What Women Want

MUSIC: Something's Gotta Give by Sammy Davis Jr

-WOMAN:

-You know the expression, "a man's man"?

A man's man is the leader of the pack.

The kind of man other men look up to, admire and emulate.

A man's man is the kind of man who...just doesn't get what women are about.

Nick, my ex-husband, is the ultimate man's man.

I probably never should have married him. I don't think he understood a thing about me.

This is Nick Marshall's office. Wanna peek? He's never in before ten.

He'll send you on more errands than anyone in the company cos he can't do anything for himself.

He's a total bachelor and the universe's least politically correct guy.

He's king of our T and A ads. Want babes in bikinis? He's your man.

My dad?

How can I best describe him? He's always been...like an uncle to me.

Yeah. Uncle Dad.

Although Nick was a charmer.

Completely irresistible at first.

Which feeds in to the whole man's man thing.

You know about Nick's mother, right?

Because once you understand about Nick's mother,

you understand Nick.

Nick was actually born and raised in Las Vegas.

Nick's mother was a real honest-to-God Las Vegas showgirl.

When other boys were outside riding their bikes and playing ball,

Nick was backstage hanging with the girls.

He was their mascot.

Their little pet.

They couldn't get enough of those baby blues.

Bang! Bang!

If you ask me, I'd say Nick's mother just about killed it for every woman Nick would ever meet.

She had a lot of sugar daddies in her life

but only one true love.

The boy with the family jewels.

BOTH COUNT

And since Nick didn't have a father,

his mom made sure he was always surrounded by strong male role models.

Men who a little boy could really look up to.

Keep counting, kid!

There was nothing normal about the way Nick Marshall was raised.

So, what could you expect?

You don't have to be Freud to figure out this was one cockeyed way to enter the world.

ALL WHOOP

# Something really got to give! #

HE GROANS

-Don't you ever knock?

-It's almost ten. You gotta go to work and I gotta vacuum in here.

Another one who wears Vanilla. Don't you know any women who don't wanna smell like candy?

-Couldn't toss me my lighter, could you, babe?

-Babe? What am I? A little pig?

I don't have time to make you no onion bagel so please do not start to beg.

For the record, I don't like finding these things in your sofa.

-What kind of woman wears underwear like this?

-Hey, my mother did, all right?

Just put it somewhere, babe.

Babe is gonna put it in the trash compacter where it belongs.

-Do you ever consider dating a woman who wears real underwear? The kind that covers the entire bottom?

-No.

If I ever do should I give you a call?

I'm gonna go clean the kitchen.

-While you're out there could you toast me a bagel? Cream cheese, tomatoes, capers.

-Ach!

-Please!

Come on! I can't think on an empty stomach.

-All right, but only cos you didn't call me that little pig name.

-OK, babe.

-Mr Marshall, how you doing today?

-I'm fit as a dancing bear.

-I got that cab for you.

-Whoa! That's some set of pipes you got, Flo.

-Have an excellent day, sir.

-And you.

Gah!

At ease.

SHE WHISTLES

SHE GASPS Oh! I'm so sorry.

-I absolutely did not mean to do that. Here, let me get that for you.

-It's OK.

-No, I'm mortified.

I can see your hands are full. Let me get the door for you.

-Thank you.

-No, thank you.

-Half-caf grande non-fat thick foam whip cap no lid.

-Half-caf grande non-fat thick foam whip cap no lid.

-When do you find out?

-Today, I think, unless I didn't get it and then I'll never find out.

I'm sure I didn't get it. They were looking for an earth mother type. I overheard the director say

I was more a space cadet. But I'm an actress. I can be whatever you want.

-Is that true?

-Better be true or I'm stuck playing ditzy coffee-shop girl for the rest of my life.

-Thank you.

Oh! Hi, Nick.

Hi.

Lola, my love. When are you gonna let me buy you dinner?

I don't know why you don't believe me. I'm not your type. Cappuccino extra foam. Tall or grande?

-Grande, or at least, I like to think. SHE LAUGHS FALSELY

-Next!

I'm getting some really big news at work today. Why don't you come out and celebrate? I'll buy you a coffee.

Memo to you - I work in a coffee shop. Hi, what can I get you?

-I'll take...

-You want me to stop asking you out? Just a sec.

If that's what you want, just give me the word.

Yes, I'm gonna give you the word, er, because I'm an actress,

or at least, I'm trying to be one. I'm trying to concentrate on...on that

and so it would be a good thing if you wouldn't mind...stop asking me out!

-You seem so stressed.

-I am. I'm stressed. I'm stressed. I have a lot on my plate.

-So let's not talk about this now. Why don't I meet you here tomorrow? 10.30?

-OK, that'd be good.

-So, that's a date?

-It's a date. Thank you.

Sir, that was inspiring.

I know.

Good morning, Sloane Curtis.

-Morning, Mr Marshall.

-Hi. What's the dirt?

-I was at breakfast...

-Hey, Norm! You winning?

-Of course.

-Yeah?

-I heard Miller's looking for a new agency.

-I know. I'm all over it.

-Also, Darcy McGuire left BVD and O. Morning, Angela.

-Left or was fired?

-I don't know.

-I just know everyone there's thrilled to get rid of her.

-So much for itchy female vision.

So, that girl we met last night. Nothing happened after you put her in the cab, right?

It did? Something happened? But she said she had to be in bed early.

-I had her in bed by 11. Or was it a quarter to?

-You're like a genius, you know that?

What can I tell you, buddy? I'm blessed. And today is my lucky day.

Not only is my ex-wife Gigi remarrying about now,

-but Wanamaker called me, said he wanted to see me first thing.

-Call me when he makes it official.

It's not gonna be as easy for you to suck up to the creative director.

Not to worry. I'll make us a lunch res to celebrate.

-Hey, don't count your chickens, huh? One o'clock?

-Pick you up?

Mr Marshall, hi. I put the Gillette storyboards on your desk, and picked up your shoes from Barney's.

This morning's staff meeting was cancelled. Oh, and I also got your cigarettes.

-This morning's staff meeting was cancelled?

-That's what I was told.

-Hm.

Good morning, girls.

Good afternoon, sire.

-Anybody know why the staff meeting was cancelled?

-Nobody called us.

Oh, but Mr Wanamaker wants to see you as soon as you get in

-which I told his office was 15 minutes ago.

-I know.

-You couldn't show up on time

the day you know you're being promoted. But you look very sharp, by the way.

Like a creative director. Very distinguished.

-Are you two gonna be able to handle yourselves on the 44th floor?

-We were made for the 44th floor.

-Now get up there already so we can break out the bubbly.

-Don't wait up.

-Don't wait up! He's so adorable!

-He says the cutest things!

Oh, yeah.

I'm sorry, I was in a board meeting. Been here long?

-A couple of minutes.

-Jess, can I get a decaf and a couple of Tylenol

and see if we got any echinacea. And I need some club soda. I got something on my tie.

You know what? Just get me another tie.

I saw the mock-ups you did for Johnnie Walker. They're fantastic!

-Oh, that's my job.

-So you know I'm not great

at making speeches especially when I haven't got you to write them for me.

So I'll do my best. I been in this racket over 30 years.

It doesn't get any easier. As a matter of fact, it gets harder and harder.

The '80s were our glory days.

They were all about alcohol, tobacco and cars.

I felt like I was on top of my game. And then in the '90s, men simply stopped

dominating how the dollars were spent and we lost our compass.

Women between the ages of 16 and 24 are the fastest-growing consumer group in the country.

Girls who were born in the mid-'80s control our advertising dollars.

Sorry. No echinacea. Hi, Nick.

-Hey.

-Red or lavender?

Red. No, no, lavender. That's good. While we've been getting our rocks off

shooting beer commercials with the Swedish bikini team, the industry's been transformed.

We were the agency in town ten years ago. Now we're struggling to be third.

If we don't evolve and think beyond our natural ability...

-..we're gonna go down.

-Think beyond our natural... I'm not quite clear what you mean here.

-What do you know about Darcy McGuire?

-Oh, hey, I heard she just left BVD and O.

I never met her but I hear she's a real man-eater. She won that Cleo last year that we should have won.

-Oh, yeah, right. That was her? I forgot about that.

-I wish I had.

-That's very funny.

-Yeah. Why?

Because I just hired her.

To do what?

You know I love you, Nick, but it's a woman's world out there

and getting into a woman's psyche isn't your strong suit.

You can get into their pants better than anyone but their psyche is different.

You hired Darcy McGuire to do what?

I know she hasn't done it on her own yet but somebody else was gonna

grab her and she's smart. She's very smart.

-You made her creative director, didn't you?

-I'm sorry, buddy.

This isn't easy for me. I got the board breathing down my neck.

She's coming in this afternoon. You'll meet her. Roll with this.

Work with her. She's got what I need to keep this place afloat.

-She's got what you need meaning she's a woman.

-You know how we can compete with that?

He's coming! He's coming!

BOTH SQUEAL

No so fast, girls.

Put it on ice. We'll break it out soon.

We're not moving to the 44th floor?

Not today.

Hm.

OK, one more.

Gigi, your ex is here.

Honey, you look like 48 million dollars.

Thank you.

-May I kiss the bride?

-Sure.

-Nick!

-Nick!

-Ted!

Congratulations, Ted. You're a lucky man.

-Thanks. I happen to agree.

-So, you're going on a cruise?

-Two weeks, huh?

-The cruise is just the last week. Alexandra has an itinerary and I faxed one

to your office, to your apartment, Ted's office has one as does the school.

-In case I fall off the planet?

-You never know.

Ah.

Hey, here she is, pretty in pink. So, two whole weeks together, huh?

-How will you handle it?

-I'll love it.

-You can take care of your old man. Cook for me. Get me my slippers.

-Yeah, that'll be happening!

-Alexandra has a boyfriend now.

-Mom!

-I'm just saying

-so he won't be surprised when he comes by.

-You're only 13.

Am I? I thought I was 15.

We're gonna be fine.

Look, I'm gonna meet Cameron. Is it OK if I meet Dad back at his place?

-Can she?

-Yeah, well...

-What time?

-Eight? Nine, maybe?

-7.30.

-OK.

Bye, Mom.

-Oh, honey, I'm gonna miss you.

-I'm gonna miss you too. Ted, have a good time.

-Bye, pumpkin.

-Bye.

-Nick.

-Honey?

Later.

Yeah, 7.30's fine, thanks for asking.

And the name's Dad.

-There you go.

-Thanks.

-Hey, I heard! I can't believe this!

-My next headache.

-Don't worry. We'll get through it.

-Yeah.

Everyone?

Everyone, meet Darcy McGuire.

Oh. APPLAUSE

-Hi! Oh, my goodness, everybody showed up.

-How are you?

-Nice to see you.

-It's a pleasant surprise.

-Hi!

-God, what a small world.

-Welcome aboard.

I'm so glad have met you.

Hello, I'm Darcy.

Hi, I'm Nick Marshall.

-I've heard a lot about you, Nick.

-I've heard a lot about you too.

-Don't worry. Can't all be true.

Let's hope not.

Hey.

Hey,

standing room only. It's a first.

-I'm very very excited for you all to meet Darcy McGuire.

-APPLAUSE

I know Darcy's extraordinary reputation as a leader in the field precedes her. At BVD and O,

Darcy led a creative team that snagged 500 million in new business wins. That was just last year alone.

At Sloane Curtis we've always prided ourself on our strategic thinking.

Now it's time for us to step up and once again prove ourselves creatively

in the marketplace and I'm thrilled that Darcy has consented

to move across town, join our team, and lead us into the 21st century.

Thank you, Dan, and thank you all for that warm welcome.

Let me start by saying the feeling is mutual. I'm absolutely thrilled to be here.

When I started in this business it was my dream to work here.

I even applied for a job here twice.

Somebody call personnel.

-LAUGHTER

-But it was BVD and O that offered me

a home and what I learned there was that any success I had was a direct result of the team of people

I work with. I know that two heads are better than one. I know that five heads are better than two.

And I know that if we put our heads and our hearts into this company, we will deliver. I know that.

I love challenges. I love hard work. I look forward to sitting at this table,

tossing ideas around until what I fear

will be the wee hours of the morning.

But most importantly, I want our work to say something about who we are.

How we think. What we feel.

HE COUGHS Excuse me.

So, as our friends in Hollywood say,

let's cut to the chase. How are we gonna turn this company around?

When Sears decided to go after women in their advertising and said, "Come see the softer side of Sears"

their revenues went up 30%. 30%. That's huge. Female-driven advertising

totalled 40 billion last year and Sloane Curtis's share of that was...

..zero.

If you want to sell an anti-wrinkle cream or a Ford Mustang to a woman,

forgive me but this is the last place you bring your business

and we can't afford to not have a piece of a 40 billion pie. So I have put together

a little kit for everybody. Nobody panic. This is supposed to be fun. Every product

in this box is looking for new representation right now and they're all made for women.

I'm sure the women here are familiar with most of them so for the men, let's briefly run through them.

-CRACKING

-Here you go, Nick.

-Thank you.

-Each kit contains anti-wrinkle cream,

mascara, moisturising lipstick,

bath beads, quick-dry nail polish, an at-home waxing kit,

a more wonderful Wonderbra, a home pregnancy test,

-hair volumiser...

-Oh!

..pore-cleansing strips,

Advil, control-top pantyhose and a Visa card.

I want everybody to come up with something for one product,

for two, the whole box. Whatever moves you.

We'll get together tomorrow and see where we are. How's 8.30 for everybody?

Great. See you at 8.30 tomorrow morning.

Nightmare.

Read my lips.

Night...mare.

Miss! Miss! Miss!

That's another 500 bucks.

'We play our dangerous game.

'A game of chess against our old adversary.'

HE MIMICS SEAN CONNERY: "Advershary"? Surely you mean adversary.

'..Arugula salad.'

-Uh.

-'Women's political...'

'Tuck the pelvis under. Keep lifting.'

HE MIMICS SEAN CONNERY: Buns Of Shteel. I'd shteal her buns if I could.

'Here it comes.'

-Pah!

-'Yes! He nailed the dismount! Now let's check in on the women's finals.'

Women's finals. There's way too much oestrogen on television these days.

And as we all know, the perfect antidote to oestrogen...

..is Frank. Oh, I need some Frank.

Help me, buddy. Help me now.

MUSIC: I Won't Dance by Frank Sinatra

HE SINGS ALONG: # I won't dance, don't ask me

# I won't dance, don't ask me

# I won't dance

# Madame, with you

# My heart won't let my feet do things that they should do

# You know what

# You're lovely

# You know what, you're so lovely

# And you know what you do to me

# I'm like an ocean wave that's bumped on the shore

# I feel so absolutely stumped on the floor

# When you dance you're charming and you're gentle

# Specially when you do the continental

# But this feeling isn't purely mental

# For heaven rest us

# I am not asbestos

# And that's why I won't dance

# I won't dance, how could I...? #

Don't panic. This is supposed to be fun.

OK. OK, I can do this. I'm a professional.

Lipstick. All right.

Lipstick on a guy's collar. No, women'll hate that. Lipstick on a guy's collar that won't rub off.

No, that's even worse. OK, OK. I gotta think like a broad.

All right.

I'm a broad.

I see lipstick...

on a dark-haired Tahitian beauty standing under a waterfall

wearing nothing but a thong, water cascading down her ba...

I'm a lesbian.

I gotta change the music.

I wonder. I wonder.

Ah, Alex. Thank you.

Come here.

Jackpot.

Hm. Er...

Mm. She's hot.

# I hate the world today

# You're so good to me I know but I can't change

# I can understand how you'd be so confused

# I don't envy you

# I'm a little bit of everything... #

You go, girl.

# I'm a mother

# I'm a brother, it's confusing

# And I volumise my hair

# I am not aware... #

Oh, my God, it looks like big dandruff.

Smooth that. Smooth. Oh, cool.

Now mascara.

Yeah, that's got it.

Mm. Nice thick lash... Oh!

Ow! That stings! What the...?!

OK.

I need some anaesthetic here. Ah!

GARGLES

HE BURPS Beautiful.

Ah, OK.

FRENCH ACCENT: Now, for the piece de resistance, we have...

We have the right leg... Yes, I think so. ..And the hot...

..hot wax. The very hot wax. Here we go.

Ow! Oh! Ah! Ah! Jesus!

Ooh, that's hot!

OK, test of manhood.

HE GRUNTS: OK, you passed.

And next we immediately apply the disposable cloth over the waxed...

area. Straight ahead.

Yes.

Yeah. That feels kinda nice.

I don't know why women complain about waxing their legs. "In one smooth motion yank the strip quickly

"in the opposite direction of the hair growth." No, that'll be north. One, two three.

Argh! Oh! Aw!

Oh! Aw!

PANTS: Oh! Oh, Jesus!

CLANKING

Women are insane. Who would do that more than once?

I don't know.

Why would anyone even do the other leg?

Ah, yes, that's right, girls.

Wax it off and cover it up. Yeah.

Allez oop! Ooh!

Oh! I guess this takes a little finesse.

One down, two to go.

Well... HE GRUNTS

Ow! Oh! Ah! Ah!

OK. OK. Get up.

GRUNTS

OK.

Ah!

Yeah.

Mm.

Honey, you just lost yourself five pounds.

All right, where's my Wonderbra? Oh.

SHE GASPS Now, let's see which end is up here.

-Hi!

-What are you doing?

Exfoliating.

-Yo.

-You must be, erm...

Cameron, my boyfriend. This is Nick.

Her father.

-That's nice nail polish you got there.

-Yeah, I'm just doing a new research thing at work.

-Trying to get into the female psyche.

-Whatever.

-Yeah.

-I should probably take off.

-No, you don't have to go.

-It's cool. I'll see you later, all right?

-OK.

-Bye.

-Bye.

-I'll call you.

-OK.

Nice meeting you, Nick.

Yeah.

-Did you just kiss that guy?

-Where did you get this?

-Your bag. You're kissing guys?

-I can't believe you went through my stuff.

-It was an emergency.

Are you allergic to listening? You never listen.

If I'm gonna be stuck staying here my stuff'll be laying around, OK? I don't want you going through it.

-I listen to you.

-You think so?

-Yeah!

-You do? What's my boyfriend's name?

Er, it's...

Goodnight.

No, no, no! Wait! Come back! It's Dustin, is his name. That's his name, right? No. Don't slam the...

G... Car... Carson!

Carmen! Carmine! Carmine!

Carmichael!

You can't remember a guy's name and they figure you're not listening to them.

What do women want?

I know it has three syllables.

Cameron. His name is Cameron!

HE PANTS

Oh, Jesus, that's so dangerous.

90% of all accidents happen...

Argh!

Argh! Oh, God!

Oh, what the hell has he done now?

I hope he's not dead.

HE GRUNTS

No, I'm fine.

I'm fine. I'm fine. I think.

Are you sure?

No. Yes.

HE GROANS

Cleaner pores. Thicker hair.

Very weird headache. Very weird.

Now I gotta clean up bras and home pregnancy tests?

He doesn't pay me enough for the things I have to do.

Oh, Jesus, he's wearing pantyhose?

-Now he's a cross-dresser?

-I was just experimenting with a few products from work, all right?

Did I say anything?

-Oh, God. It's eight o'clock already.

-One day I'd like to sleep till eight o'clock.

-He'd fire me if I wasn't here to wake him.

-Whoo! Are we in a mood today!

The same as every other day.

-SHE MIMICS:

-Honey, make me a little bagel with cream cheese. You know I can't think on an empty stomach.

For your information, I'm not even hungry.

Who said you were?

Mr Marshall.

-Morning, Flo.

-Let me get you a cab, sir.

-Sure.

-Thank you, Flo.

-'You're welcome, my little sweet ass.'

-What did you say?

-Me? Nothing.

You sure?

Yes, sir.

HE GROWLS

-I think I'll walk today. I could use a little fresh air.

-You have a great day, sir.

'Did I turn the coffee maker off? I walked over to it but did I turn it off?

'I can't remember. I saw the light

-'but did I turn it off?'

-What? What?

-'One kiss doesn't make me a lesbian.

'Does it?'

-I'm sorry.

-'Two slices of toast - 150 calories plus a tab and a half of butter - another 150.'

'So, oestrogen is good for the heart but bad for the breasts. What?'

-'My kid doesn't need Ritalin.

-I want him to listen.

-Monsieur! I need to poop!'

-Argh!

Oh, God! Oh, boy!

ALL TALK AT ONCE

-Argh!

-Argh!

'Oh, God! He nearly killed me.

'Too bad he missed.'

BEEPING

-Morning!

-Morning.

'Don't look up. He'll make me hear another disgusting joke. He's such a schmuck.'

She thinks I'm a schmuck?

'Whoa! Lighten up with that aftershave, buddy.'

'What? Oh, yeah, like you've got the perfect body?'

Jeez!

-Hi.

-Argh! What?

-What? I was just gonna tell you the Gillette budget's on your desk

and I got you that Merlot you wanted. Here's your credit card back.

-Thank you.

-Are you OK?

-Y-Y-Yeah.

-'Do you realise that I have an Ivy League education and that running your stupid errands

'has put me in therapy? Why don't you take me seriously and give me some real work?'

Is there anything else I can get you?

Oh, good. You're on time.

What's the matter? You look a little different.

-I think maybe it's his hair. It looks a little thicker, doesn't it?

-Give me your coat.

-OK.

-You smell good today.

-New cologne?

Th-That's it? No other thoughts?

-What do you mean?

-Are you feeling all right, doll?

HE MUMBLES

Linings, linings, loans, locks.

Hello? Nick?

Er, Nick?

-We gotta go. What are you doing? It's 8.30.

-Can't go. Can't go. Gotta find a doctor. Need a cure.

-You sound like the guy from Shine. What's wrong?

-Maybe I don't need a doctor. Maybe I need an exorcist.

-HE MUMBLES

-Er, there are no exorcists in the greater Chicago area.

OK?

Sorry to interrupt. Here you go.

HE PANTS

Your hair looks really good today. 'Maybe it's OK you pay me minimum wage

'because I used the company phone to call my boyfriend in Israel for an hour.'

-Tell me you heard that.

-Your hair looks really good. So what?

-The other thing. What she was thinking.

I don't think she thinks too much. She's not exactly a genius.

-She went to an Ivy League school.

-I doubt that.

-What she said about the boyfriend, calling him in Israel, you heard that, yes?

-No, cos she didn't say it.

Now, let's pull it together. We're gonna be late for our sorority meeting, OK?

Morgan...in case I, like, maybe died...

Can we walk and talk? Cos in case you live, I don't wanna be late.

Here's what happened, if the coroner asks. I got drunk last night and tried the products from the pink box.

-You did not!

-I put on all the products, OK? Nail polish, pantyhose, everything.

-You tried on pantyhose?

I tripped and fell into the bathtub and electrocuted myself. I blacked out and when I woke up...

-I could hear what every woman around me was...thinking.

-Uh-huh.

I'm talking personal, private stuff. Stuff that nobody is supposed to hear. I hear that stuff.

-I can hear what women think.

-Can you? Good, cos that's not a talent a lot of guys have these days.

-You want me to prove it? You see this attorney coming toward us?

-Yeah.

She thinks you're overpaid. And gay.

-What?

-I can hear what they're all thinking. It's driving me crazy. Even French poodles.

OK, just so we're on the same page I need you to know. You sound insane.

You freaked over losing the job but if you tell anyone else you can hear a French poodle's thoughts,

-you're fired.

-'What if I just jumped out the window? Put the fruit down and jumped.

-'Would they notice? Probably not if I didn't get glass on anybody.'

-That girl with the fruit. She's funny.

-Suicidal, b-but she's funny.

-Nick, what girl with the fruit?

Th...

'Last one to arrive. Wants me to know I'm not his boss. OK, you're a star. I get the message.'

-She thinks I'm late because I want her to know she's not my boss. What's she talking about?

-Put a lid on it.

'I can't believe I have butterflies in my stomach. It feels like the first day of school.'

OK, so, let's see how we did.

'Nobody wants to go first.

'Everyone's avoiding me.

'Except Nick Marshall.

'Unbelievable. The only one with good eye contact.

'At least he's looking in my eyes and not down my blouse.'

-So, Nick, what did you come up with?

-Me?

-Mm-hm.

-What did I come up with?

'He's so wired.'

Mostly...I thought about the moisturising lipstick.

Er, never having worn lipstick myself,

I tried to imagine what I'd want from a lipstick

-if I were a woman.

-'Oh, spare me!'

-'OK, he's trying to be honest.'

You know, to be perfectly honest, the, er, the first thing I thought of

-was a Tahitian beauty bathing under a waterfall.

-'Oy! I'm gonna die here with these kinds of ideas.'

But I'm working on it and it's evolving.

I don't suppose anybody's interested in an idea involving

-the Swedish bikini team. I do know them all personally.

-Of course you do!

-'Oh, what an idiot.'

-'Jerk, grow up already!

-What a pig.

-You are so foul.

-I should have asked for more money.'

-Excuse me.

-Dina?

Erm, I spent the night trying to figure out how to sell Advil just to women.

'You know what?

'You should sell it to women like me.

'I take it every time I need to fake a headache. Works like a charm.'

I-I-I got a brainwave. It just came to me. Do you mind if I interrupt?

No, go ahead. 'I hate that you've seen me naked.'

All right. So, we're in a bedroom, the lights are out, there's a woman in bed

and she's taking an Advil. Her husband turns over and suggestively rubs her back

and...

we say, "Advil. So mild and gentle,

"you can take it even when you're faking a headache."

MEN LAUGH: Huh? And then the woman turns to her husband and she says,

"Oh, not tonight, dear. I need an Advil."

-Right?

-He's back!

Wh-What? Come on. That doesn't reach women on a personal level?

-No.

-Well, women do that, don't they?

-Not me.

-I don't.

-No? Sue Cranston.

-Hm?

You've done that, haven't you? Faked a headache to, you know...

No, Nick, I haven't. Thanks for asking.

No, no, wait, wait. Be honest, now. I mean, you've been married, what, 10, 12 years? And you've never,

in all that time, faked a headache? It doesn't...work like a charm?

No, Nick, I haven't! I mean... No, it doesn't, OK?

Jeez!

-OK, I guess I'm way off base here.

-OK, erm,

what's good about your idea is that you're looking at Advil from a woman's point of view.

I don't think Advil will go for it and I'm pretty sure every woman in America will hate it.

Other than that, I thought it was great so you're on the right track. Go ahead.

Great antenna there, babe. The, er, poodle give you that one?

# I see you, baby

# Shakin' that ass #

-THEY GASP, SHE SCREAMS

-Dad!

-Why are you home so early?

-I have my first migraine.

'Hideous! My boyfriend feeling me up in front of my father!'

-Don't think of it. The outlook was bad for the team that day. The score was 42.

-'Where's my bra?

-'Where is it?'

-Oh, God.

-SHE SOBS:

-Oh, God.

-Whoa, OK.

Look. Everybody just needs to chill out here, all right?

-There'll be no chilling. Just get your stuff...and move on.

-Come on, man! Relax!

-How old are you?

-I just turned 18.

-She's 15. She was 10 five years ago. Know what I'm saying, stud? Get out.

Dad! 'We're going to the prom. Don't ruin it!'

-You're not going to the prom with him.

-How did you know that?

I don't know. Mom told me. But it won't happen because he's too old for you and I know what boys his age want

-and he's not getting it from my daughter.

-Suddenly I'm your daughter.

'I want Mom.'

Hey, look. I'm just gonna take off.

-I'm really sorry about this.

-Save it.

That's mine.

-Where are you going?

-OK.

Great day(!)

THUNDER CLAPS

I can't go on like this. I'll lose my mind.

I'm already losing my mind.

This'll work. It's gotta work.

Got to work. Ow! Ow! Ow!

# I can understand how you'd be so confused

# I don't envy you

# I'm a little bit of everything

# All rolled into one

# I'm a lover

# I'm a child, I'm a mother

# I'm a sinner, I'm a saint

# I do not feel ashamed

# I'm your hell, I'm your dream

# I'm nothing in between

# You know you wouldn't want it any other way... #

RIPPING SOUND Argh!

Come on!

Do your thing! Turn me into me again!

Uh!

Oh, good.

I'm not dead.

Oh, please. Please, please, please tell me I got rid of it.

-Please be a woman. Please.

-'What city, please?'

-You couldn't do me a favour and think of your favourite colour or TV show, could you?

-'What city, please?'

Flo?

Hey, Flo? Flo? Huh!

I can't believe this.

I need a woman.

LOUD DRILLING NOISE

-Try this one.

-Oh, I love this. This is fantastic. It's my mother's birthday next week

-so I need two gift sets.

-Thanks, you've been a great help.

-Do you have a Kleenex back there?

-I'm sure she'll like it. It's a best seller.

-Do I get a free gift with this?

Yes, you get a travel bag.

Thank you!

-Yah!

-'Stop it! You got the dress. Treat yourself to lipstick.

-No, I have enough at home.

-'You may as well get one while we're here.

-I have too many. I don't need it.

-I'll buy it for you.'

'If he doesn't answer that phone in the next two rings, I swear to God...'

-'Hi, blue eyes.

-I really feel bad about it.'

-Ugh!

ALL TALK AT ONCE

Aa-a-a-a-argh!

-Dr Perkins.

-Yes?

-You may not remember me. I'm Nick Marshall. I came here ten years ago with my ex-wife Gigi.

-'Oh, not him.'

-Oh, good. You remember me.

I'm sorry to barge in like this but I don't know who to turn to. I'm desperate.

I'm afraid to go to work. I'm afraid of my door woman. I'm afraid to get a cup of coffee.

Please slow down. Let me make sure I completely understand what it is you're saying.

All right.

I hear what women think.

Yeah. You know, Mr Marshall, this kind of imaginary displacement scenario...

-I'm not ima...

-..Really isn't my thing. I do, however, have a good friend at University Hospital

whose specialises in men with male menopause and testosterone depletion.

She's fabulous. I think I'll just give her a ring and send you over there.

'Why did I answer my door? I was so into buying that lamp on eBay.'

-How much was it going for?

-How much was what going for?

-The lamp on eBay.

Oh. I see. That's good. Very clever.

-Dr Scolmouth, please.

-All right, you don't believe me. Well, then, try another one.

-No, go on. Pick a number. Give it a whirl. Any number.

-OK. A number between one and...

-A million. Why not?

-One and a million?

All right.

Mm..

644,998.

99. 90.

Wanna make a decision here?

-'Oy vey!'

-Oh, you can say that again.

-I didn't say anything.

-I know but that doesn't mean I didn't hear it.

OK. OK.

Let's say...say I do believe you.

That you, er, you can hear what women think.

Even though I'm a grown woman of... '51...'

..47.

Oh, my lips are sealed.

-Oh, forgive me.

-It's all right.

But this is phenomenal.

-You can hear inside my head!

-Yes.

-Why would you wanna get rid of such a brilliant gift?

Well...

You might find this a little unorthodox but would you mind awfully if I smoked?

-No, no, no, I understand.

-Thank you. Thank you so much.

You know, Freud died at age 83 still asking one question.

-What do women want?

-Hm.

-Wouldn't it be strange and wonderful

if you were the one man on Earth finally able to answer that question?

Listen to me, Nick. Something extraordinary and, I think, miraculous has happened to you.

My advice is, you must learn from this.

There isn't a woman that I treat that doesn't wish her man understood her better.

If men are from Mars and women are from Venus, then you speak Venutian.

The world can be yours.

I don't know how this happened to you or why

but you may just be the luckiest man on Earth.

Imagine the possibilities.

If you know what women want...

you can rule.

'Hubba-hubba. Here he comes, looking awfully good today.

'Oh, why did I tell him to stop asking me out? I'm an idiot! Idiot! IDIOT!'

Hey, Nick. How's it going?

Lola, my love.

-I can't take no for an answer.

-About what?

About what?

-About us.

-'Ooh, just don't hurt me, Nick. I've been hurt

'too many times.'

I know how hard it is to go out with someone new. I mean, there's always that fear of...

well...getting hurt.

-Well, at least, that's how I feel inside.

-Do you really?

-All the time.

-Me too, all the time.

-So, let's just take it slow and see how it goes.

Slow is good.

-Slow is really good.

-Yeah.

Are you free tonight?

-So, you never said you think I'm gay?

-I never said that.

-It doesn't mean you didn't think it.

-Is it the hair? The highlights are natural.

-I have a meeting.

-And you don't think I'm overpaid either?

-You know... Oh, God! I really don't think I ever said that.

-Yeah, OK.

-'Who has he been talking to?'

-Morning!

-Morning.

-Melvin, check your e-mail. I sent it over an hou...

Hi! How's the boyfriend in Israel? By the way, thank you for picking up that wine. I appreciate it so much.

Er, can I get you a cup of coffee?

-Or some water or any beverage?

-No, but thank you. If I'm thirsty I know where the coffee room is. Hi.

'That's right, guys. Don't help. Just walk right past me.

-'Why don't you just step on my hands, you big...'

-There you go.

-Oh.

-How you doing?

Oh, fine.

-Thank you, Mr Marshall.

-You're welcome, erm...?

-Erin.

-Erin. You be careful, all right, Erin?

Yeah, sure.

Heavy.

'Whaddya know? There is life on this planet.'

Breakfast Tuesday sounds great. Absolutely. Thanks for the info. Oh, and thanks for the champagne!

SHE LAUGHS

You too. OK, bye-bye.

'Set meeting.

'Nike women's division.'

-Hi!

-Hi! Well, you've been here five minutes. It looks like you've been here a year.

Oh, yeah. I'm compulsive. It's a problem.

'Why do I always feel like he's checking me out?

-'Wonder what he's got up his sleeve?'

-Great photographs.

-'No clue.

-'They're all Margaret Bourke-White.'

-Are they all Margaret Bourke-White?

Yeah, they are.

Wow. It's a beautiful collection.

-Thanks. So, how's it going?

-You know, I was gonna ask you the same thing.

-It's starting slow. I'm evaluating some of the staff and that's always hard.

-Oh, yeah.

Yeah, right.

Well, I don't wanna beat around the bush, so what I'd like to propose...

-'Mm, he's proposing so soon?' Ooh!

-Oh, sorry!

-Sorry. Er, yes.

-Excuse me.

-You got another one.

-Thanks.

-'Wow!'

As I was saying,

obviously I know nothing about the products you're going for, but I do believe I can sell anything

once I know what the buyer's needs are and what I'd really like, with your kind indulgence,

is to go after that really big fish, I mean, the one you really wanna net. I'll reel them in for us.

-'No, actually, I think I'll reel them in for us.'

-Of course, unless

-you're going after something in particular.

-No. But there are several big fish out there.

What's your biggest fish? I mean, to your mind, who's your whale?

Erm...Nike? Women's division?

You heard they were shopping?

-I got wind of it.

-Oh. That's amazing. I heard no-one knew.

-You knew.

-I heard no-one else knew.

-Look, it's OK if I know what you know. We're on the same team.

-Yeah.

-Besides,

-I heard someone say once two heads are better than one.

-Oh, you were listening.

-More than you know.

OK, here's what I heard. Nike is shopping, quietly, but if they make a change it's gonna happen fast.

You know this is a tough one for us to get.

It'd be a tough one for anybody to get but if we got it that's all we'd need.

I hear you.

So, what do they want, exactly?

They wanna empower women.

-What?

-What? I'm sorry.

-That won't work.

-No, OK.

-I'm sorry. I understand. Go on.

-They wanna get inside women's heads and reach them on a very real level.

Don't be insulted but yesterday you got jumpy talking about a lipstick.

Nike is state-of-the-art hard-core woman power. Are you sure you wanna go after this one?

If you get them here in two weeks, I'll be ready.

-'Huh! This guy's kind of exciting.'

-Hey! Glad I caught you both. You got a minute?

-BOTH: Sure.

Look at these boards for US Air

-before they come by this afternoon.

-Right.

-It's just like something's missing from it.

'Mm. I don't like the graphics. It feels a bit parochial.

-'Maybe it should be in black and white.'

-What do you think, Nick?

Well, I don't know who you've had working on these, Dan, but...

I don't know. It seems kind of... What's the word? ..parochial to me. What do you think?

I totally agree, especially about the graphics.

They're...parochial. It's so funny you just said that.

Yeah? Hm. You know, why don't you get them

to try it in black and white? It might punch it up a little.

What? Did you say something?

No. But I swear I was thinking the exact same thing.

Were you?

Black and white could really help. Good idea, Nick.

-'Good idea, Nick? Speak up! Quick, before he leaves.'

-Dan?

-Dan?

-Yeah?

-If you want me to take another look

-at the boards once they have another stab at it, give me a buzz.

-I will.

-Er, Dan?

-Yeah?

If they find Nick's idea too retro, which they might - they may hear "elegant"

and think it's old fashioned - ..I'd be ready with some... Maybe a dotcom thing?

Maybe something about getting on line and being on line at the airport?

-No, I think we're fine. Really, we're good. I like Nick's fix on this.

-Great.

-Hey, you wanna come by later? I got a box of new Cubans just came in.

-Great!

-Cool.

You smoke cigars?

No.

-Your office is looking really snazzy. I love the red.

-Thanks.

-Me too.

-Mr Marshall, your daughter's on line one.

-Oh!

-Oh.

-I'm sorry, I'll only be...

-Here you go.

'There's a daughter? I didn't picture that. How old?'

-She's 15. She's staying with me while her mom's away.

-'He's married?'

-Away on her honeymoon.

-Oh.

-Alex, hi! Uh-huh? Sure, honey.

"Honey"? Who are you trying to impress? I'm going out with my friends after school

-then can I bring them back to your place or will you freak out again?

-No problem. Whatever you want.

-'What time will you be home?'

-I don't know. I gotta go.

It's fine.

I love you too. Bye, sweetie.

-'Total shocker. He's, like, a nice guy.'

-Sorry. Duty calls.

Of course.

-She's 15?

-Yeah. Yeah. Got a boyfriend that's 18.

-And you hate that, right?

-Oh, hate it.

But she digs him and he's invited her to the prom and it's a big deal, I guess.

-Going to the prom is mostly about the dress. You know that, right?

-Is it?

-Oh, yeah.

Once you've got the dress handled, it's all downhill.

'This feels like a date. Why did I go into all that? He needs to go.'

-Well, I'm outta here. Do some research downtown, get inside women's heads.

-If you need any help...

-Oh, I'll be picking your brain.

-You got it.

-I'll take it.

Oh, God!

It's candy! She won't last a month.

-I like that but it says you can't wear it if you have hips.

-That one's cute.

-But I can't wear low-cut.

-KNOCK AT DOOR Alex?

-It's open.

'What? Say something.'

Er, hi! I'm Alex's dad, Nick.

-Hi.

-Hi.

-'Deadbeat.

-Mr No-food-in-the-house.

-'Forgot her birthday.

-Why is he just standing there?'

Oh, I just wanted to let you know that I was home and, er, that I've got a sort of a date later on tonight

so I'm going out but I'll be home early. Why don't you order a pizza? There's not a scrap of food in.

I wanted to know if you and I could go out on a date soon. I'd like to take you shopping for a prom dress.

-'That is so sweet!

-I wish my dad would do something like that!

'I love him!'

I don't get it. You throw Cameron out. Now you wanna take me shopping so I can go to the prom with him?

Well, I overreacted and I just wanna make up for it by taking you out shopping.

It's a pretty important thing. They say it's all downhill after the dress.

'He must be stoned. Fine.

'I'll get the most expensive dress, shoes, make-up. He can afford it.'

Ah...what the hell? Let's go crazy.

-While we're at we'll get you new make-up, shoes, the works. What do you say?

-Fine. Whatever.

Whatever, meaning, yes, yes?

-Yes.

-Great! Well, erm, nice to have met you two. I hope to see you again soon.

-Definitely.

-Bye, Mr Marshall.

-Bye.

-Love the apartment.

-Great view.

Thank you. Oh, OK.

I gotta tell you,

I'm not usually like this on a first date.

It's just, you've been so amazing all night and been so sensitive

and so understanding and... Hey...

-Wanna come up?

-Oh, yeah.

-'I can't believe I asked him up. Am I ready for him to come up?

'If I sleep with him he'll think I'm a slut and never call me again or call me all the time cos he'll think

'he can get it whenever he wants. Oh, what's the difference? He's so great. He reminds me of my sister.'

So, what do you think?

I'll only come up if you really want me to. I don't want you to do anything you're not ready for.

I can wait.

Oh! My heart! My heart is beating so hard!

'Who would have thought?

'Slow starter then turns out to be a genius in bed!

'Ladies and gentlemen, Nick Marshall is a sex god!'

Oh, yeah.

Mm.

MUSIC: Mack The Knife by Bobby Darin

# Oh, the shark, babe

# Has such teeth, dear

# And he shows them

# Pearly white

# Just a jackknife

# Has old MacHeath, babe... #

'Last night was so good.'

# Out of sight

# You know... #

'I'd love to live in Paris. I could learn French.

-'Think, think. What do I think?

-All I really wanna do is...'

# Start to spread

# Fancy gloves, oh, wears old MacHeath, babe

# So there's never

# Never a trace of red

# Now on the sidewalk, uh-huh, uh-huh

# Ooh, sunny morning, uh-huh

# Lies a body

# Just oozin' life

# Eek! And someone's sneakin'

# Round the corner... #

'Living life.

'Life - keep on living it.

'Ooh, that's good.'

# There's a tugboat, huh, huh

# Down by the river, don't you know?

# Where a cement bag's just a-droopin' on down... #

'If I take this promotion...

'And Jeff wants to get married. I'll be 44 and I wanted kids...'

# Five'll get you ten old Macky's back in town... #

Ha!

# Said Jenny Diver

# Whoa, Sukey Tawdry

# Look out, Miss Lotte Lenya

# And old Lucy Brown... #

I know. Hold on one sec.

# On the right, babe

# Now that Macky's... #

No, it's great!

# Look out, old Macky is back. #

I heard that in a beauty shop this morning. But seriously,

Dee, that other thing we were talking about before?

Come on. He can't just ignore you all night, stay glued to the TV like some zombie

and then expect you to turn on like a light bulb. I mean, wouldn't put up with that.

I mean, you're either interesting or you're not. Ask him to decide.

Can I write that down? I'm either interesting or I'm not.

OK, I did it. I told Haim I wasn't moving to Israel.

-Yeah? Good? And?

-I said what you said. He can be a writer anywhere.

-If I'm going to be in advertising, I need to be here and not there.

-And then he said?

-I don't know. It was in Hebrew. But I don't think it was, "You got it. See you next Tuesday."

-I don't know.

-I'd wait it out. He'll call you.

-'I can't. I'd better call him back.'

Be strong. He will call you.

Well, girls, it's been nice chatting. I gotta get back to work.

-Wait!

-Don't you want some coffee?

-Want me to make you a sandwich?

-Oh, no, I'm cool.

Really.

Er, but thank you anyway. This was fun.

ALL: Aw!

'This is good.

'More insightful than I would have thought.

-'This line doesn't feel exactly right.'

-If you're thinking that that line isn't perfect, I agree.

There's something not exactly right about it, isn't there?

It's not bad. It's insightful, actually. It's just...

-Well, what do you think this woman's thinking?

-Er, well...

Let's see.

Er, she's thinking about what she wants out of life. What's she gonna accomplish?

How's she gonna do all that? Women, you know, they think about that a lot.

Surprisingly, a lot. They worry all the time about everything.

You're so right. How do you know that?

Well, you know, even I had a mother.

Well, maybe running gives her time off from all of that.

Maybe it gives her something she can't get any place else. Look at her.

God! I wanna be her!

She looks so free, doesn't she?

No-one's judging her. No boss or guys to worry about, no games to figure her way through.

-I like that. No games. That's good.

-It'd be nice and light, wouldn't it?

-OK, can I just think for one second?

-Sure. Take your time.

-OK.

OK. 'No games.

'How do I get that in? She's running. It's early.

'It's quiet. Just the sound of her feet on the asphalt.

'She likes to run alone. No pressure. No stress. This is the one place she can be herself.

'Look any way she wants, dress any way she wants, think any way she wants. No game playing. No rules.

'Games. Sports. Rules. Games. Sports. Rules. Playing by the rules. Playing games versus playing...

'Playing by the rules. Playing games versus playing...'

-Why are you nodding?

-Because I think you're on to something.

-Am I?

-Aren't you?

-Well, I was thinking about a play on words.

Erm, something about games versus...

-Then it goes on to something good. Er, playing games versus playing...

-Sports?

-Yes! Do you like any of it?

-A lot! I like the idea that you can be yourself on the road.

-I do too! Did I say that out loud?

-N-no, I was j...

-Cos I was circling around the exact same thing. Which is great that we're on the same...

Sorry, I'm not thinking straight. My glands may be swollen.

-Maybe they should be more swollen. You're doing great. Nike. No games.

-Just sports.

All right, we should write that down!

All right.

'Did he come up with that or did I?

'All right, can I be...'

What?

Er...well, can I be honest with you?

Please do.

Before I came here I heard you were a tough chauvinistic...

-I didn't know you were gonna be that honest.

-I'm sorry.

-No, that's OK.

-Sorry.

-You must have looked so forward to meeting me.

-Dreaded it. I had a whole other person built up in my mind.

Since we're sharing, I heard a few things about you too.

-Oh, yes, I'm sure. I'm the man-eating Darth Vader of the ad world.

-Verbatim.

Really?! All right. Well, nice to meet ya.

'That's not who I am at all.'

Just for the record, I don't think that's who you are.

Thank you. I appreciate that.

See? No games equals embarrassing moment.

-'Don't fall for a guy at work. Don't fall for a guy at work. Don't fall for a guy at work.'

-Why?

Why what?

W-why don't I just work on these storyboards and then bring them round to you tomorrow,

-if you're free?

-I'm free. Call me any time.

'I'm flirting! What's wrong with me?'

# I've got you

# Under my skin

# I've got you

# Deep in the heart of me

# So deep in my heart... #

Are you laughing at me?

-Yeah.

-Oh, good. I didn't think anyone else was still here.

-I didn't know anyone was still here.

-What time is it?

-It's after ten.

I didn't realise it was so late. 'I feel so alone.'

Erm, I didn't catch that. Sorry?

I said I didn't realise how late it was. 'And I'm glad you're here. I'm stuck and I feel so alone.'

-Want me to give you a hand?

-No, thanks, I'm OK.

-Yeah, I'm not buying. What's going on?

I have an early meeting with Dan. I wanted to make it later in the week so I'd be more prepared

but then I heard you slipped in and took the only time he had left which left me with 8.15 tomorrow morning.

-It's fine. I'm just not as ready as I wish I was.

-Sorry.

Oh, listen. You didn't do it on purpose. I just don't want him to be disappointed.

-Hey, why don't we go through some of these together?

-Really?

-I insist. Unless you're too tired or something.

-No, no.

-I'm not tired.

-Yeah, well, hey, I can see that.

Oh!

It's just so far beyond tired at this point.

-I've basically stopped sleeping ever since I took this job.

-You have?

-Yeah, it's weird. I, erm... 'How do I say this?'

-You don't feel quite like yourself here, do you?

No, I don't. Not yet, anyway.

Boy.

Plus I'm mad that I'm getting sick. I never get sick.

-You don't have to sit so close to me if you don't want to.

-No, come here. I'll brave it.

-So, where do we kick off? Control-top pantyhose. What do you say?

-OK.

Personally, I think they do the trick.

You've worn control-top pantyhose?

-Did you put a pair in the pink box?

-Seriously?

-Oh, yeah.

-You are full of surprises!

-Yeah.

No, no, I mean that as a compliment. I love that. And how did you look in them?

Ooh, hot.

My daughter and her boyfriend walked in and I'd got them on.

And they said what when they saw you in pantyhose?

I think it was the turquoise Wonderbra they noticed first.

And, of course, the nail polish on fingers and toes...

# But each time I do just the thought of you

# Makes me stop just before I begin

# Cos I've got you

# Under my skin. #

-The dress you picked out is totally hideous. I'm not coming out.

-It can't be that bad. Come on out.

-I look like a nun. And an ugly nun.

-Why? Because it's grey? Grey is the new black.

# Do you play with the girls, play with the boys?

# Do you ever get lonely... #

-If he says he likes it, I'll die.

-OK. Next.

This, I love.

Thank you. Next.

# What a girl wants, what a girl needs, yeah, come on

# Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

# Hey, yeah

# I wanna thank you for giving me time to breathe

# Like a rock you waited so patiently

# While I got it together

-# Oh, while I figured it out

-# Yeah

# I only looked but I never touched

# Cos in my heart was a picture of us

# Holding hands, making plans

# And it's lucky for me you understand

# What a girl wants, what a girl needs

# Whatever makes me happy sets you free

# And I'm thanking you for knowing exactly

# What a girl wants, what a girl needs

# Whatever keeps me in your arms

# And I'm thanking you for giving it to me

# What I want is what you got and what you got is what I want

# There was a time I was blind I was so confused

# Run away just to hide it all from you

# It's for keeps, yeah, it's for sure

# And you're ready and willing to give me more

# Than what a girl wants

# What a girl needs

# Whatever makes me happy sets you free... #

-I think this is the one.

-I like that. No, I love that.

'OK. This is it. Let me take a look.

'Yes! I look older. This is great.

'Oh, God. I need boobs.

'I'll buy a padded bra later. Oh! I can't believe this is what I'll be wearing the last night I'm a virgin!

'Or should I say, what I'll be taking off.'

Argh!

-Alex?

-Mm?

I wanna talk to you about something that's pretty important.

I've never talked to you about this before.

'Oh, God, he's actually gonna try to be a dad. This should be hilarious.'

-I realise I haven't been the perfect dad.

-'Understatement of the century.' Pass the bread?

Sure. But that does not mean I don't have the right

to talk to you about...about...

-HE CLEARS THROAT

-About?

-All right.

You're a young woman now and you may be...flirting with the idea of... of...of...

Having sex? Oh, can I get a lemonade, please?

You know, boys and girls think very differently about sex

and my hunch is that girls, they just want guys to like them and hang out with them whereas guys,

and not all guys, all right, but most guys...they pretty much just wanna have sex.

OK.

What I'm trying to say here is... I don't want you to feel pressured just because

-your boyfriend's older than you.

-Please, save it. Mom had this talk with me

when I was 11. I know you should have sex when you're in love and you want it special. I know everything.

Mom knows me for real and knows my friends and Cameron so let's leave the parental talks up to her, OK?

-'Plus I promised Cameron I'd do it prom night.'

-Jeez!

And don't make me part of this Nick make-over or whatever this new thing is, OK?

-What new thing?

-This ridiculous new guy you're trying to be. Clowning around with me

all of a sudden? Asking if we can make a salad together?

And watch Friends together? I mean, it's nuts after 15 years of no relating.

I mean, come on. Who are you to talk about relationships anyway?

'You've never had a real relationship with anyone in your entire life.'

Look, I'm supposed to meet my friends so I'm gonna go, OK?

-Sure.

-Thanks for the dress.

-'She didn't even finish her lunch.

-Johnny-come-lately giving her advice?

-'I think the talk worked.

-She's totally right.

-Move on, dude. It's over.'

Oh, please.

Now you've seen how the cake is assembled, the next time you admire a wedding cake you'll be able

-to appreciate its hidden architecture...

-Wow. That looks so gorgeous.

Fit, vibrant hair.

-Ugh.

-I always hated being overweight. I wanted to be thin and pretty and wear cute little clothes.

It builds and my health deteriorated and I couldn't walk and I couldn't stand up

at the park for ten minutes while my kids played.

I tried sitting on the swings and the chains cut into my hips and it hurt and I couldn't run or move

and I was tired and I wanted to be a good mom...

What the hell's wrong with me? PHONE RINGS

-Hello?

-'Oh, what am I doing?'

-Darcy?

-How did you know it was me? I didn't say anything.

-I, er, just sensed it.

-'I'm such an idiot! I didn't think he'd be there.'

-Excuse me?

I didn't mean to really call you.

I had your number here and I was thinking of you. Thinking of calling you.

-Obviously I did call you.

-Oh, no, that's all right. I, erm...

I was thinking about you too.

SOFT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS

# I could show the world how to smile... #

Here's to another great idea.

-You mean us meeting for a drink?

-Yes, that's exactly what I wanted to say.

Sometimes I think you're a bit of a mind-reader.

-But I don't have to be a mind-reader with you cos you always say what you think.

-I know. It's a curse.

Are you kidding? It's an enormous relief. Do you know how rare that is, to actually say what you think?

Do you know how rare that is for someone to actually like that about me? Trust me, this has not been

a great thing in my life. My ex-husband didn't love me, just put it that way.

He didn't love you?

Did I just say that?

Oh, God!

Erm, no, just it. He didn't love it,

when I spoke my mind.

Actually, I'm not sure he ever did really love me.

Yes! There's a conversation starter.

God! A smart person would just get so very drunk now.

How long were you married?

A little less than a year. I've been divorced about nine months now. We worked together. You know that?

Yeah, I knew that. I heard.

What was that like?

It was...great in the beginning.

Then it changed. It became competitive.

Suddenly the better I did the worse we did.

The price I pay for being me. I know that now. No, truly.

-Well...

-No, no, it's true.

-Do you wanna know all this about me?

-Keep going.

Well, that's why I needed to get out there on my own, scary as it was.

I mean, not scary but, erm...

-Well, yeah. I was kinda scared.

-Why?

I don't know. I guess I wasn't sure I could do the job. I mean, I thought I could but I'm finding

Sloane Curtis a much tougher place to navigate than I thought.

-I'm sorry. This is insensitive of me.

-No!

-I know you were up for my job. I'm sorry that I'm the one

-that got it.

-I'm not. I'm not. I'm not!

-I've learned a lot from you.

-Like what?

-For starters, you really love what you do.

-You really love what you do.

-Not as much as you do.

-It just comes out, like...

-How can you say that? You're so great at it. You're so great at it!

I think Dan's wondering why he hired me. Really. I think the bloom is definitely off the rose.

-You wanna hear something really great?

-Yeah.

I just closed escrow on my first apartment, ever. Finally I own my own place.

-What? Now I wish I was a mind-reader.

-No.

I was just thinking...

..how men like me can get so screwed up.

I don't think there are men like you.

If we kissed would it ruin everything?

Listen to me.

I think...

you're one of the great women. I really do.

I'm sorry.

I just meant to say thank you.

I'm so sorry.

# There's nothing I couldn't do

# If I had

# You! #

-Well, I, er, I guess I'll see ya.

-Hm.

In three and a half hours.

Nick, may I just say...you are an exceptionally great kisser.

No, I mean really, really great.

Well, I haven't had this much fun making out since the f...

I've never had this much fun making out.

Me neither.

Let's not let this get weird at work. We have nothing to be embarrassed about.

We made out.

You and I made out.

-But if I may, it was...

-Sexy as hell.

-God, that's just what I was about to say.

-But I think I said it first. I think.

-No, you did.

-Oh.

-Erm, well, all right, then.

-Mm.

'Oh, I'm a grown woman. Just say it.

'Do you want to come back to my place?

-'Say it. Do you want to come...'

-Goodnight, Darcy.

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

What am I doing?

Lola.

'OK. Here he comes.

'OK.'

Lola?

-I know why I haven't heard from you.

-Lola, how long have you been out here?

Erm, just a few, erm...hours. Nick, you said that you wouldn't hurt me and then you slept with me

and then you didn't call me for six days so that, in the world of me, that's torture.

I mean, we have this totally unbelievable life-altering sex and then you just disappear.

I mean, you stopped drinking coffee.

Lola, I'm so sorry.

It's OK. It's OK because I've figured out your little secret.

-You did?

-It's so obvious. How else would you know the things that you know?

-It wasn't so obvious to anybody else.

-Nick, come on.

You're so sensitive, you're so aware of my feelings, you're so tuned in, you...

You talk to me like a woman, you think like a woman. Nick! Come on!

Admit it! You're totally and completely gay!

I am?

You're not? Oh! I mean, if you're not you gotta tell me. You gotta tell me