Win a Date with Tad Hamilton!

# Flashbulbs go off in my face

# Think a small town with disgrace

# Just how did it come to this?

# All they see is a vacant face

# Yeah, come on, come on, come on

# We can turn it on

# Yeah, come on

# Cos you never really die, die, die

# It goes over and over and over and over, but yet

# There's something beautiful, mystical

# Over and over, goes over and over, but yet

# Still something beautiful, mystical

# Over and over, goes over and over, but yet

# There's something beautiful, yeah, come on

# Over and over, goes over and over, but yet

# Still something beautiful, mystical, come on

# Won't you wake me up from this

# All I need is a prince to kiss

# Then my beauty will be back mine

# It's my soul, my soul I'll find

# I'm calling Nike, Nike, Italy, France

# Romance

# The situation, the situation is

# Beethoven, roll over... #

RADIO: And now, for all you romantics out there, this one is for you.

JAZZ PLAYS ON RADIO

Hello, Betty.

Shouldn't you be at the hospital looking after a certain other soldier?

Is there any way you can find it in your heart to forgive me?

I wonder if these two get together.

Shh!

SLURPS

I'll forgive you on one condition.

What's that?

Dance with me.

# A morning sky, an afternoon... #

BOTH SIGH

# As long I'm here with you

# Oh, you make me happy

# Very happy once again. #

APPLAUSE

Explain one thing to me.

What kind of desperate

and pathetic emotional cripple

would actually buy that as an ending?

-Rosie?

-Hmm?

Do you think that in real life

Tad Hamilton is the man he seems to be on the screen?

-Absolutely.

-Yeah?

I mean, you just can't fake that kind of thing.

What do you think Tad Hamilton is doing right now?

I'll bet he's in church.

ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

Watch this.

TYRES SCREECHING

HORN BLOWS

Whoo!

Whoa!

Told you that was him, right?

Ooh, Tad Hamilton.

-You don't make it easy on us, Tad.

-What do you mean?

This is the shot the paparazzi got.

Congratulations.

You're actually drinking, driving, smoking, leering

and groping at the same time.

Which, on the one hand,

is just about the coolest thing I've ever seen.

-Richard.

-But, on the other hand, it can be argued

that this might be a little bad for the image.

You play characters who have heart. This person will have a heart attack.

I can't believe you guys are blaming my unemployment

on this photograph.

OK, first of all, you are not unemployed.

Dock workers are unemployed.

You are simply between million-dollar pay days.

As are we...

since we both get a percentage of your payday.

But this isn't about us.

Whatever happened to that part in the Jimmy Ing movie? I'm perfect for that.

Well, he's taking a breath.

He's what?

He's taking a breath.

He's pausing before deciding.

He's pausing and taking a breath.

And this is only gonna make him breathe more.

Well, what do we do?

We figure out how to asphyxiate the son of a bitch.

-We generate a little positive PR.

-Are you an interpreter now?

I'm saying we just need to do something, Tad,

to remind Jimmy Ing and America

that you are the boy next door.

Hey, I am the boy next door...

if you happen to live in a very dysfunctional neighbourhood.

# I ride in on the train

# Every day it's the same old thing

# It's nine to five

# Don't know if I'm dead or alive

# I'm looking for a hallelujah

# I need a little something special... #

CRUNCHING

Congratulations.

You've eaten your body weight in Pringles.

What's your favourite Pringle?

Sour cream and onion or original?

Well, the sour cream and onion has a very strong taste.

If you're eating a small amount, say, half a can, you want that strength.

But if you're eating more than that,

you want the original. It's a cleaner flavour.

Wait until you discover barbecue flavour.

You'll finally become a woman.

How's "Modern Grocer" treating you over there?

Hey, this is the swimsuit issue.

COMPUTER BLIPS

Oh, my God!

What is it?

-Win a date with Tad Hamilton!

-What?!

It's to benefit Save The Children.

God, that is so like him.

Saving children, I know.

Should I enter?

Why not?

Sure, heaven is just a mouse click away.

A mouse click and a hundred buck donation.

Oh, we can raise a hundred bucks.

With your permission, Petey.

I'm sorry?

-Paper or plastic?

-Paper, please.

Would you like to help Rosalee win a date with Tad Hamilton

and help Save The Children?

I certainly would.

-Aren't these great?

-The best.

Along with a 125 cheque

in recognition of yet another

Piggly Wiggly store Manager Of The Month award. Congratulations.

Thank you, Mr Ruddy.

So, Pete, when do we lose you to Richmond?

Cos you're running out of wall space here.

Well, I got my acceptance letter to Virginia State.

And I got my student loan.

So, er, it's just one more thing.

What?

There's someone here that I-I-I...

that I need to have a discussion with

about the going-to- Richmond-with-me issue.

DOOR OPENS

Jars are full.

I love everybody in the store so much.

Sorry for interrupting.

Sorry.

It was nice to meet you.

It was nice to meet you, too.

Goodnight. Goodnight.

-You taking off?

-Yes, sir.

Muchas gracias.

Hasta el proximo miercoles.

I am the Albanian one, Mr Hamilton.

I'm sorry.

Uh, could you tell the other one

-muchas gracias and hasta el proximo miercoles?

-Will do.

BARRY WHITE: # I've heard people say that

# Too much of anything is not good for you, baby

# But I don't know about that

# As many times as we've loved

# And we've shared love and made love

# It doesn't seem to me like it's enough

# It's just not enough, baby

# It's just not enough

# Oh, oh, baby

# Oh, baby

# My darling, I

# Can't get enough of your love, babe

# Girl, I don't know, I don't know why

# Can't get enough of your love, babe

# Lord, some things I can't get used to

# No matter how I try

# It's like the more you give, the more I want

# And, baby, that's no lie... #

OK, what do I need to beat you?

Double 14

or it's all over.

That's not gonna be a problem.

Don't miss. Don't miss.

Don't miss, don't miss, don't miss, don't miss. Don't miss, don't miss.

-Um, are you actually doing that?

-Yeah.

SQUEALS

GROANS

And now Pete will get the bartendress' attention.

She's waiting for you.

We're waiting for our round, Pete.

Fine.

Angelica.

GLASS BREAKS

Yes, Pete?

What is the object of your desire?

Um...we need another round.

One day, Pete, one day...

I know that the answer to that question will be,

"You, Angelica. You are the object of my desire."

OK.

But, er, for now, we'll just go with the beers.

Oh, Pete.

Enough. Thank you, ladies.

You don't like her the teeniest, littlest, tiniest bit?

-What? No, she's not my type!

-You are so particular.

Who the heck are they?

If that fire alarm went off again...

Why would they send a news crew for that?

Wait a second.

# Everybody, get up

# Let me do, let me see, yeah

# Shake it through till you're dead...

# You know you got to get it up

-# What you want, what I need, yeah...

-#

They said in first-class, you get a personal DVD player and may view the film of your choice.

OK. I would like to touch intimately the person who thought of that.

-TANNOY:

-We would like to begin boarding first-class passengers.

That's you!

I know!

Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys.

-Just take it easy, OK?

-Oh, Pete,

just give me a hug and tell me to have a good time!

OK.

Just...you know, just be careful, OK?

What do you mean?

I mean, that this guy is Tad Hamilton, OK?

In his life, he's probably slept with,

like, 15, 20 women.

No way. That's not even physically possible.

Besides, like he's going to be interested in me.

OK. You know what?

If at any point on your date

he claims that he doesn't really like watching sports,

-he's just trying to sleep with you.

-Got it.

-Oh, and if he claims

to love animals, then he's really just trying to sleep with you.

-OK.

-Guys are guys, Rosie,

rich or poor, famous or...

grocers.

Just do me one favour, OK?

-Guard your carnal treasure.

-OK.

No, just guard your carnal treasure.

-Thanks, Pete.

-Remember everything.

-I will.

-Remember how he smells.

-I will.

-But not just vaguely.

I want good, solid similes.

For example...

He smells like a forest on the first day of spring...

OK, Cathy, let's... You're gonna miss your flight.

-I will bring you similes.

-Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen...

Oh, I almost forgot.

I got you something.

It's regular flavour.

In case you don't like the prime rib in first class.

Thank you, Pete.

MAN: Right this way.

Just guard your carnal treasure!

I heard you.

# We got more bounce in California

# Than all y'all combined

# We got more bounce in California

# We like to party all the time

# We got more bounce in California... #

MOBILE PHONES RING

# Well, excuse me for a while

# But there's something I should say

# I'm comin' from the land

# Where the seasons never change

# Where all around the world

-# They're all lookin' to LA... #

-That's me.

-Welcome to Los Angeles.

-Thank you.

Thanks.

Hey, can I have these?

No.

Do you want to think about it?

Gee, you know, what...

Tell me again why you're making me have dinner with and Okie.

Because she's wholesome.

Wholesome as the amber waves of grain.

And she's not an Okie, she's from West Virginia.

So sorry.

I mean...you never, you never wear them.

Can I just have them?

So what's her name anyway?

Rosalee Futch.

Wow, sounds insanely hot.

It's very nice to meet you, Tad.

So nice to meet you, Tad.

It's great to meet you.

Please, just follow the rules.

BOTH: Keep smiling for the cameras, and no brown liquor or cigarettes.

-Fine.

-Very good.

What about Jimmy Ing? Have we heard anything about that yet?

No. Still breathing.

I passed Ashton Kutcher in my car

and he seemed pretty happy about something.

He's happy for other reasons.

I'm sorry, we have not heard from Jimmy Ing.

Hey, guys, how's this in the shoulders?

Seriously.

Cos I got, I got some yoga stuff.

Your films will stand the test of time.

Y-your films will stand the test of time.

KNOCKING

Hi. I'm Tad.

SHALLOW GASP

Your standing films will time and test themselves.

Thank you. Uh, you're...pretty.

It's Roseanne, right?

I'm sorry. What is it?

Uh, Ricki? R-rah...

-It's Rosalee.

-Rosalee. Rosalee. Nice to meet you.

So, you ready?

OK.

Let's...

Yikes-a-bee.

So, how was your flight?

Your films will stand the test of time.

Ah...thank you.

So, you ready?

For what?

Right this way.

PHOTOGRAPHERS SHOUTING

CAMERAS SHUTTERS CLICKING

Rosalee. Futch.

It'll take a few minutes for those spots in your eyes to go away, but they will.

OK.

Now, we're right here.

Is it always like that?

Well...

pretty much.

CHUCKLES

-Shake-a-doo.

-Shake a what?

Oh, it just means, "wow".

Ah.

Shake-a-doo.

So...

you excited?

Are you kidding?

This is like a fairy tale.

Yeah, I figured.

You OK?

Oh, yeah.

I'm just not used to sitting sideways like this.

Mm.

We don't have sideways seating in West Virginia.

And I think the cigarette smoke is kind of...

Well, you can come sit back here if you like.

Uh...

I can't really move right now.

Ooh, I don't feel well.

I've always been kind of motion sicknessy.

Once this carnival came to Fraziers Bottom,

and they had that ride where it spins around

and you have to stand against the side

and the centre falls out.

-And I, um...

-Damn it.

Um... Pardon me.

VOMITING

This is so far from the way I imagined the evening going.

Hey, hey, it's, er...

it's perfectly all right.

Right, Mickey?

Perfectly all right.

Shall we?

MICKEY: Have a nice dinner. I'll just be...out here scrubbing.

-Hey, Steve.

-Thank you. This way.

Good to see you. Good to see you, Larry.

Hey, Tad.

Hey, man, how are you?

-Hi, Tad.

-Hey, man.

This way.

Doesn't it hurt, smiling like that all the time?

You get used to it, yeah.

Should I do it?

Yeah, you might not be able to hold it

for very long, but go for it.

Sure I will.

See that?

It sort of gets you right there.

That's horrible.

I told you.

You sure do have a lot of stuff.

Oh, yeah, sorry.

I got to make sure I'm never out of touch

with the people who torture and torment me.

Who are they?

Agents, managers, people like that.

This man, Jimmy Ing, who's, er, making this movie

which I'm exactly right for, but for whatever reasons, he's taking a breath.

-A what?

-He's thinking it over.

Oh.

It's just all very competitive,

this business, that's all.

Everybody seems to be chasing the same thing.

The same parts in the same movies,

the same awards, the same big money.

Well, I'm sure you have much too much common sense

to get caught up in all that.

I mean, it's just a recipe for an unsatisfying life.

Mm...

Obviously you have your priorities straight, so...

So...

Rosalee, what do you do?

I work in a Piggly Wiggly.

-I'm sorry. A supermarket.

-Ah.

I bag and check.

-Cool.

-Yeah, it's a real dream come true.

CHUCKLING

But it's fun. My two best friends work there.

So, um...

what do you do, Tad?

Oops.

What I mean is, what do you do when you're not doing...what you do?

Uh, not a lot, you know?

I, er... There's not a lot of time left for hobbies, really.

And I don't really like watching sports, so I, er, I read.

Play with my dog, my cat, my bird.

You know?

I-I-I... I love animals.

You know?

What do you think they're doing right now?

Mm, I bet they're in her hotel room.

Straining for breath.

His manhood yearning to be free.

Her hands running over the ripples in his abdomen.

Her perfect bosom crying out in ecstasy.

QUIVERING BREATHS

Oh, great.

All righty.

I had one of those.

A retainer?

Yeah, yeah, on the lowers.

And a night brace for the uppers.

I had really bad teeth as a kid.

Yeah, I'm sure you were a real ugly duckling.

I was like anybody else.

A little gawky, unsure who I was, combination skin.

-Well, you came together nicely.

-Thank you.

So did you.

-Bon

-appetit. Mm-hmm.

Thanks, Mickey.

Oh, wow.

This is beautiful.

These people sure leave a lot of lights on.

It's beautiful.

It is.

And you, if I may say so, are also very beautiful.

How would you like to come back to my house for a little bit?

Um...

Sure. For a little bit.

Shake-a-doo?

No. Shake...a-doo.

Good.

Miss Ramirez!

Sonja?

Anybody in the casa?

I think we're all alone.

Oh...

Do you want to come in a little further?

Um...

You know what, Tad?

Thank you, but I think I should be getting back to the hotel.

Wow.

OK, er...

-I don't want the concierge to worry, you know?

-Good for you.

Good for you. Uh...

-I'll take you home.

-Oh, no, no.

You don't have to do that. I mean, you're already here.

No, no, no. No, no, no. Be my pleasure.

OK. Thanks.

That's really nice.

Rosalee, it's been wonderful to meet you,

and I wish you only good things in life.

And to me, wonderfulness, too.

And to you, only those selfsame good wishes.

You know what I'm saying?

-Yeah, of course.

-Thank you for the best night of my life.

No, thank you.

May I give you a kiss goodbye?

Oh, I think you might maybe may.

Good evening.

Thank you.

Good night, Rosalee.

Sweet dreams.

SHE WHOOPS

AIRLINER PASSING

The limo door swung open...

my foot hit the ground

and I turned to take one last look at Tad...

at those eyes, at that smile.

And then, regretfully,

I headed back for the hotel.

Please tell me we're done now.

-We're done.

-Wow.

I cannot remember a time...

before you started telling that story.

Peter, I was asked to provide

a detailed description of the evening.

Yeah, and you did. Actually, Rosie, you did a great job.

I felt like I was there.

Sort of against my will, but, I did.

OK, guys, er, with your permission,

I think we should all now return to our normal lives.

Mm... OK.

Actually, er...

Rosie, I kind of had something that...

that I wanted to ask you.

Rosie.

Whatever.

Um, it's something that...

I think you're going to like.

I hope you're going to like.

Something I really hope you're going to like.

Um...it's kind of been a long time coming,

so it might be kind of a surprise.

Or not, or maybe not. I don't know.

I'm like...wah!

Look, OK, look.

What I'm trying to say

is that...

I've...

-WHISPERS:

-Hey.

Let me ask you, what would be the absolute worst thing

that could happen to me... right now?

SCREAMS

Hi.

Hi.

I'm Tad.

Oh, er, this is my Cathy friend.

WHIMPERS

Hey.

And my Pete friend.

Hey, I'm Tad.

It's quite pleased and pleasant to me...

Uh, I've heard a lot about you both.

-Have you?

-Yeah. Yeah.

Um...so what are you doing here?

-I came to see you.

-No way.

-You're just...

-No.

-That's just...

-Yeah.

-You can't... Here?

-It's true.

You mean to say your normal business itinerary does not include Fraziers Bottom, West Virginia?

No.

OK, Cathy.

-So, am I too late to take you to lunch?

-No.

Great. Shall we?

Yeah.

Um, if that's OK, Pete.

Well, actually...

-If that's OK, Pete?

-No, it's OK.

At which point, Tad,

if you're going back to the airport, I'll ride with you,

and by the Route 73 cloverleaf,

I will have given myself to you

in ways you've only read about in the drugstore.

-It was great to meet you.

-You, too.

Oh, was there something that you wanted to tell me?

-You know, it was nothing.

-OK.

Wow, nice car.

Thanks. I asked the manager at the rental place for a convertible,

and he gave me his wife's car.

Really?

And that was the last time we ever saw her.

CHUCKLES SOFTLY

Cathy...

he's not her type.

No. Rich, famous, handsome,

ass like cement.

You are absolutely right.

Move these cheeseburgers.

All right, here you go, sweet pea.

Oh, my God.

-Here you go, Rosie.

-Thanks.

-Thank you.

-Mm-hmm.

I... I still can't believe you're here.

It was something I had to do.

Sure. Fly clear across the country

to have lunch at the Fraziers Bottom diner.

I couldn't let the other night be the last time I ever saw you.

Can I just stop you right there and remind you of one thing?

-What's that?

-I'm nobody.

Rosalee, nobody is nobody.

Fine.

I'm following my gut. Sometimes you have to do that,

even if what you're doing seems crazy.

Because...in the gap between what prudence says we should do

and what our heart tells us we must do, well, Rosie...

therein lies our humanity.

That's from The Road To El Dorado.

You really are a big fan, aren't you?

Is that how you get women?

-You steal lines from your own movies?

-Not any more.

I hope not, cos that would seriously shoot a hole in your credibility.

OK, Rosie, the truth...is... that when we went on our date,

you said something that really resonated with me.

You said...you were sure I had my priorities straight,

but...here's the thing.

I don't. I really don't.

My entire life since I was a teenager has been

about becoming successful, becoming famous,

becoming this... this thing that I am,

and you're right, it really is unsatisfying.

I need a positive influence.

I need somebody with solid and substantial qualities,

somebody who seems to understand life

and how to live it in a good and happy way, like you.

I just want to be around you.

I want some of that goodness to rub off on me.

Do you mean goodness in a romantic way?

No, no, I mean a platonic goodness.

And I mean that very seriously. No funny business here.

Did I say something wrong?

No. No, no, no.

No.

So, are you going to be in Fraziers Bottom for a while, then?

I think I have to. If I'm going to reset my priorities, I got to get out of LA. I gotta...

I got to get out that fish bowl.

So, what do you say?

I say, yikes-a-bee!

-What does that mean?

-Oh, it's just something my dad and I say sometimes

when life surprises you in the way that it does and there's nowhere to go but forward.

Is that like "yes"?

-Yes.

-Yes.

Thanks for lunch.

See you at 7:00, then.

-See you at 7:00.

-OK.

You go, girl! You get your man!

It's room eight.

You just go down to the door marked eight.

Right.

It's just past seven, and if you hit nine, you've gone too far.

Gotcha. Uh, no phone calls, please.

Thank you.

-Have a great night.

-You, too.

-Uh, I'll see you tomorrow.

-Very good.

-I'm on at

-11:00. OK.

FLY BUZZES

CART SQUEAKS

He wants your goodness

to rub off on him.

I know, right?

I see.

And you...actually believe this?

-Why wouldn't I?

-Wow, Rosie.

Wow. There's innocent, there's childlike,

-and then there's just asking for it.

-OK, Pete...

Look, he wants your goodness to rub off on him?

He wants your ass to rub off on him, is more like it.

-Oh, my God.

-Yeah. Whatever. You can't go out with him tonight anyway.

Wait, what do you mean, I can't go out with him tonight?

I mean that...I need you to stay for the late shift.

Uh, Janine's sick. Yeah, she's got a cough.

-She does not.

-Yeah, no, not...

yet, but she will. She's definitely coming down with something.

No, she's not.

-Janine, cough for me.

-Huh?

Cough for me, Janine.

See? God, it's all in your lungs.

-What is?

-Nothing, Janine.

-You're fine.

-You're not. Do not tell my employees

-when they are and when they are not fine.

-She's fine!

And even if she weren't, you'd have to find

somebody else to take the late shift, Petey,

because I am going out with Tad Hamilton.

-Stop that.

-You know, I did feel something in my lungs.

You're not getting off tonight, Janine.

Bob, not now!

PHONE LINE RINGING

'Everywhere Inn.'

Yeah, er...do you guys have any other rooms?

-Or how about suites?

-Oh, well, yeah, we've got sweets.

We've got some lollies down here by the register,

if you want to come on by and get yourself a lolly.

No, I mean, maybe something a little bigger? Or newer?

-Bigger and newer?

-Yeah, I understand what you mean, and no.

No, we don't have suites like that.

OK, I guess, that's cool.

-PHONE RINGING

-That's cool, I guess.

-Can you hold on a second?

-Yeah, yeah, sure.

Hello?

'Hi, big guy!'

-Hey!

-'Where are you?'

I'm at a motel in Fraziers Bottom, West Virginia.

OK. Words I never heard anyone utter.

-Oh, she's special, Richard.

-Who?

The girl from the charity thing.

-The win-a-date girl?

-Yeah.

You flew to a place actually called Fraziers Bottom, West Virginia,

and are staying in a motel in order to nail the win-a-date girl?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I don't want to nail her. Please don't put it in those terms.

Oh. Forgive me, Lord Byron.

I want to be around her, you know?

-Mm-hmm.

-She has a goodness.

-Right.

There's a lot that I can learn from her.

I'm trying to feed my soul, OK?

I'm trying to find a way to actually be happy.

You want to be happy now?!

This is big for me, Richard.

This is a turning point for me.

That's what you think today,

but by the end of the week, when you've nailed her...

you're going to feel differently, and...

and what do you suppose happens then?

I will tell you what happens then.

You pulverise her heart,

and then the press finds out,

and all the good that was done

by the Win-a-date promotion gets washed away,

and Jimmy Ing continues breathing.

A person like you cannot have a relationship with a girl from Montana.

-West Virginia.

-Whatever it is!

-Why not?

-You're too different.

Your values are different. For example...she has them!

No, no, this can work.

It can't, and when it ends, very bad for business.

There are more important things than business, for God's sakes.

I don't even know who I'm talking to now.

Hello? Hello? Is this Tad?

What have you done with Tad?

I gotta go, OK?

No, you don't. You do not gotta go.

What you gotta do is understand

that you're going through some kind of a phase right now,

some kind of an extreme version

of your normal, in-between-jobs insanity,

and it has a hold of you.

You need to come back to LA, have a Bushmills and a Percocet,

go out on a date with an actress looking to advance her career,

and put an end to all this self-destructive behaviour.

-I'll talk to you soon.

-No! No, Tad! Bad Tad!

-Bye, Richard.

-Don't hang up on me!

Ow...!

Hello?

Yes, Mr Hamilton, I am here, sir.

You guys wouldn't happen to have a masseuse on staff, would you?

Uh, no, but I am a very fast learner,

and I could, um...

Hello?

# Back to you

# It always comes around

# Back to you

# I walk with your shadow

# I'm sleeping in my bed

# With your silhouette

# Yeah, should have smiled in that picture

# If it's the last that I'll see of you

# It's the least that you could not do... #

DOORBELL RINGS Coming.

You must be Tad.

Must be. You are Tad. I know what you look like.

-Nice to meet you, Mr Futch.

-Henry, for God's sake. Please come in.

Thank you.

Rosie'll be down in a minute.

OK, great.

May I, er, offer you a chocolate martini?

-Oh, wow, look at that.

-I hear they're very big out your way.

Yeah, yeah, I guess they are.

But I'm driving, so...

That-a-boy.

Have a seat.

So...

it looks like, Emperor's New Clothes

will top 100 mil in domestic BO, huh?

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

And that Quantum Studios, I-I...

I think they're looking to vertically integrate,

either by buying a Web or a Weblet.

-Could be.

-I...

Oh-ho, yes. Yeah.

Hey.

-Hi.

-I see you've met Dad.

Yeah. We've been talking shop.

So, what do you want to do tonight?

Well, er...do you guys have a movie theatre?

The Warner.

It's part of the Loews family of theatres.

Have you seen King Arthur of Britain yet?

I've been wanting to.

Well, you two enjoy yourselves.

Have her back by dawn and no cocaine, huh?

No, sir.

How was I?

-You were great, Daddy.

-OK.

Goodnight. Bye-bye.

I'm telling you, that's him.

Oh, yeah.

Mom, I swear it's him.

You think so?

You look so sad there.

Give me a break - I'd just lost my wife and my goat.

TV: 'Next week, on a very special Paramedic Rescue...'

'And what were your respective ages?

'I was 12, and she was, er...30.

'Did your mother...'

'Hasta el proximo miercoles.'

ANNOUNCER: 'Ahora disponsible en viernes...'

TURNS TV OFF

So, what do people do at this point in the evening

in Fraziers Bottom, West Virginia?

Well, they go to the diner.

We could do that. We haven't eaten anything in almost 15 minutes.

Or they go home.

Well, it is a school night, so...

Of course, if it were a date, we might go to the Watergap... Overlook.

And...what do people do there?

They park.

And then?

And then they marvel at what a feat of engineering the gap is.

But, you know, this isn't a date - we can't do that.

-No.

-Rosalee, I don't want to do anything

that might harm the friendship.

Me, neither.

Over two trillion tons of water...

pass through the gap every hour.

That's enough water to float a battleship.

Or put out every fire in West Virginia.

-PHONE RINGING

-No kidding.

Excuse me.

RINGING CONTINUES

RINGING FADES

RINGING IN DISTANCE

SPLASHING

CHUCKLES

PHONE RINGING

-Hello?

-Hi, Mr Futch. Uh, it's Pete.

Hiya, Pete. Uh, Rosie's not here.

She's out with Tad Hamilton.

Really? I hadn't... OK, cool.

Well, good for her, then.

He seems like a very nice guy.

He does. Lovely...

lovely guy.

So, like, er, where'd they go?

-The movies.

-Oh, the movies.

OK, well, it looks like the...

7:00 would get out 8:45, 8:50...

Or...so someone happened to...

just mention to me in passing.

So, I guess that would put them...

out and about and on to their...

next activity.

Yeah, I guess it would, Pete.

I'll leave Rosie a note that you called.

Oh, yeah. I had a little, er, inventory question,

a little...dairy case...query,

but, you know, we-we can, er, clear that up tomorrow.

OK, Pete. Goodbye.

All right.

-Rosie?

-Huh?

SIREN BLARES

Hi. Could I see your driver's licence and regis...

Yikes-a-bee.

Hello, officer.

Rosalee?

-Hi, Tom.

-Hi.

Wow. Oh, boy.

OK. OK, then.

-We, er, we heard you were in town there, Mr Hamilton.

-Did you?

Pretty fond of our Rosalee there, huh?

Uh-huh, yes... yes, I am, Officer.

Oh, er, right, right.

Uh, listen, we got a call saying

that there was someone parked here,

and well, you know it's illegal after sunset, so...

You got a call this hour?

Yeah, yeah, we got a call.

From who, a raccoon?

ENGINE STARTS

Never mind.

I am gonna kill that Pete,

bring him back to life and then kill him again.

OK, calm down, calm down.

Well, why aren't you upset?

Because it doesn't matter. OK?

What happened here tonight...

was a force of nature.

Yeah.

Two people set out to be friends, but...

nature would have none of it.

Nature wanted them to be more...

and nature is gonna want that tomorrow.

What did I tell you?

What did I tell you about your...

carnal treasure?

You said to guard it.

I said, "Guard it," and what did you do?

You-you...practically chucked it at him.

You're acting like it was some sleazy night.

-It wasn't. It was classy.

-Oh, that's right.

I mean, it's not like he took you to the movies

-and then felt you up in his car.

-The evening evolved, Pete.

Oh, my God. Did he actually say that?

It started out as two friends going to the movies...

And it evolved into dry humping.

He fought it. He didn't want to do anything

-that might wreck the friendship.

-Wow. I... Um...

Wow, did he actually...um...

I can't believe he used that line.

-And I can't believe that you bought it.

-It's not a line.

OK, fellas, a show of hands.

Who here has used some form of the

"don't want to harm the friendship" line?

-Oh.

-Father Newell?

Well, prior to my enfrockment.

Rosie, what are Tad's pectorals like to the touch?

Are they warm yet firm, like...?

Cath, it's really not helping right now.

Sorry, Pete, got caught up.

Thanks. Listen, Rosie, just...

Listen to me. Bottom line...

Tad Hamilton is an actor.

OK? How do you know that he's not acting with you?

He's not acting.

No. He is.

He's playing a role.

The role of Hollywood bad boy trying to find virtue.

OK, after you guys...

..after you guys have, like,

been together a couple times,

he is out of here, OK?

You will never see him again.

Hey, Rosie, guess what?

I bought a house. I bought a house!

Can you believe it?

It's actually a farm with a house and a silo for my wheat.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-You bought a house?!

-I bought a house.

Now we're putting down roots, baby.

What do you think of that?

-I think that's good.

-So, come see it. Maybe after work?

-I'd love to.

-Yeah, I'd love to.

Great.

So, he's going to stay in the motel while he fixes up the farm.

What, like he's a farmer all of a sudden?

I think he'll be a good farmer.

Rosie, he's from Malibu, California, OK?

-The only thing they grow there are breasts.

-Could you smile a little bit?

-This means nothing.

-You are unbelievable.

What? Rosie, people like this buy houses all the time.

It's called a tax shelter.

Oh, Peter!

I can guarantee you that by the end of today,

Tad's farm and his house...

his fricking wheat...

right back on the market.

Why? What are you gonna do?

Nothing. Just, you know... just be a good neighbour.

Howdy!

Tad, this place is unbelievable.

Thanks, little lady.

Well, this barn sits on what they call the "south 40".

Yep. I'm not sure exactly how many acres that is, but, er...

I'm gonna guess that's a lot.

I'm gonna guess 40.

Oh, yeah.

Could be.

Being a new farm owner and all, I know you'll probably get some people

to run this place for you,

but, hell, I'd be happy to show you a couple of everyday farm chores.

Really? Wow, that'd be great. Thank you.

Oh, Tad... that's not a problem.

Tad, what you're gonna do here

is grab on to one of the-the...

COW MOOING

Essentially, one of the nipples.

And, er, you know, just pull it firmly but gently towards the pail.

Now, you're gonna freak out...

MILK SPLASHING

Mmm, look at all that creamy milk.

That-a-girl, Arleen!

That-a-girl.

Boy, you are making old Tad thirsty. Mmm!

Where'd you learn to do that?

Remember my remake of The Grapes Of Wrath?

OK, so, trick is to take a full swing,

so as to split the log in one swift...

..stroke.

OK...

Yeah.

Let's do this.

Hey, so, er...you work out?

Nah.

Yeah, me, neither.

I know, it's like... me, neither.

OK, er...just basically one... swift...stroke.

And sometimes, you know, basically,

you get a bad piece of wood... basically.

And you know, sometimes you don't.

-That's good.

-Beginner's luck, you know?

First time's the charm.

And the luck continues.

That's great. Good for you, man.

Pete, you ever see a movie I did called "A Man Named Jackson"?

If it came out, Tad...

then I saw it.

No, I think the axe is actually broken, yeah.

You got it? Good. Yeah.

Which is why I try to stay away from melodramas.

Oh, my God. I finally did it.

People...are you watching this?

Rosie?

Whoa! Pete!

-Hey, Tad.

-Um...hey!

Can I talk to you for a sec?

Yeah. Sure.

-Forgive the intrusion, but, er...

-No, no, no, no.

Please, er, er, fire away.

OK. Here it is.

You win.

OK? Fair and square.

You win.

Thank you.

I mean, you did have an advantage or two going in.

Excuse me! We're...in the middle of something here.

Yeah. No problem.

I want Rosie to be happy,

so, er, I gotta ask you, like, a couple questions. Uh...

Do you know how long she keeps her hair in straight mode

-and how long in curly?

-Uh, wh-what?

-Or why her favourite necklace is a starfish clasp?

-No.

-Do you even know that she has six different smiles?

-Six smiles?

Yeah. One when something just flat-out makes her laugh,

and one when she's laughing out of politeness.

But there's one when she makes plans,

one when she makes fun of herself,

one when she's uncomfortable...

and one...

one when she's talking about her friends.

Uh... I don't know those things yet, Pete.

No, you don't, Tad.

I'm telling you, she is more of a-a...

a treasure than you can possibly know.

She is not just some wholesome, small-town girl,

some, like, good-for-you breath of fresh air.

Tad, she is a wonderful person with a huge heart.

And the kind of beauty that a guy only sees once, you know, once.

Listen, Tad, if there's even a chance

that you could break her heart, please, just,

for her sake...

walk away, man.

I could never break Rosalee's heart, OK?

Good.

Cos if you do, I swear to God,

I will tear you to pieces with my bare hands.

Or...vicious rhetoric.

You're a good guy, Pete.

But you know, it's...

apparently, not good enough.

Do you mind if I, er...?

Oh, yeah, no. My bad.

-Finish up in here. Sorry.

-Thanks.

MUSIC PLAYING

You're a good kisser.

-But I guess it doesn't come as a shock to you to hear that.

-No.

You're a really good kisser.

Even compared to Hollywood girls?

-Mm-hmm.

-Well, that's just ridiculous.

-KNOCK ON DOOR

-< Oh, Tad Hamilton!

-Your favourite two people are here.

-You gotta be kidding me.

-Who is it?

-Guess who?

It's my agent and my manager.

Taddy?

Oh, this is a nightmare.

< Housekeeping!

< Let us in!

< Hey, Tad...

I'd like to apologise for...

< Open zee zleibenshlocken!

Come on! You're not gonna be punk'd.

-Fellas.

-Tad!

Tad Edward Hamilton.

Oh, howdy, little lady.

Hi.

Uh... my manager, Richard Levy

and my agent, Richard Levy.

-Uh...you're both named Richard Levy?

-Who isn't?

-You... you must be Rosalee.

-Yes.

-Uh, did we come at a bad time?

-I hope so.

-Actually, yes.

-Well, Tad...

Jimmy Ing stopped breathing.

-What?

-You got the part, pal.

Seems he saw something that reminded him that he had to have you.

It was... It was the body of your work.

-I knew it!

-Your credits. The reality of you and who you are.

That's right. He called me up, and he said, "Who am I kidding?

"Tad Hamilton has to play this part. There's nobody else!"

Oh, oh, fellas, I gotta tell you.

I have never felt better than I do at this moment.

Yeah, except for that weekend in Cabo.

That is exactly what...

Yes! That's what I'm talking about!

Oh, easy! I got a bad back. Oh!

That's exactly what I'm talking about!

Ah! I told you all you needed was a little good career news

to put your head back on straight.

Oh! Yes!

-So then, you're leaving?

-Yes.

You've got fittings all day Monday and rehearsals start Tuesday.

You're back on the beam, Pally.

Boy, things happen fast, huh?

Oh, my God. You're right.

No, no, no. It's fine.

-I'm going to turn it down.

-What?

-What?

-Wha...?

I came here vowing to change my priorities,

and at the first opportunity, I'm...

I'm abandoning that.

Tad, come on. You're not going to turn down the part.

-We both know that.

-Yeah.

Give us a minute, will you, fellas?

We will be in the lobby.

I wonder if they have a masseuse on staff.

-I want you to go with me.

-What?

-What?!

-Shh!

She absolutely cannot go with him.

I'm not taking the part unless you go with me.

Although I'm sure we could work something out.

-Really?

-Yes. Really.

Rosie, have you been listening to anything I've been telling you?

I love you.

How many times in your life have you said that?

Ay, yi, yi.

Uh...not counting the movies?

Not counting.

I've said it a few times.

But...

But I-I never knew what it meant.

I can't go with you, Tad.

Because you don't love me.

Oh...

You maybe want to love me,

but I think what you love right now is the idea of me.

You can't love someone for what they stand for, or what they seem to be.

You have to love them for their details,

for the little things that are true of them and only them.

-But I do love you for your details, Rosie.

-You don't.

-Yes, I do.

You couldn't possibly. You don't even know what they are.

You have six smiles.

What?

You have six smiles. Did you know that?

One when something really makes you laugh,

and one when you're just...

laughing out of politeness.

One when you're making plans,

and one when you're making fun of yourself.

And one when you're uncomfortable,

and one when...

one when you're talking about your friends.

-How many is that?

-Like 50.

I told you. I told you.

That is so much better than any speech from any of your movies.

I had a better writer.

LAUGHS

So...

..will you go?

Yes.

# I'm goin' back to Cali, to Cali, to Cali... #

-What are you thinking?

-Nothing.

I'm done thinking.

If I'm making some huge mistake, I don't even want to know.

You're not making a mistake.

You know, as a bartender,

you do learn to kind of recognise

those customers who...need to talk.

Angelica, I'm fine. But could I have, like, six more of these?

No, Pete, you really need to talk.

OK.

Um... I think that, er, our friend, Rosie,

-might be falling in love with Tad Hamilton.

-Yeah.

Didn't have to be a bartender to see that one coming.

But the problem with that is...

..that I'm in love with Rosie.

You know...I always thought that maybe you were.

So, how much do you love her?

Is it love? Is it big love?

Or is it great love?

Wh...like, how... what do you mean?

Well, love you get over in two months, big love, two years,

and great love...

Yeah...?

Great love changes your life.

Oh, my God.

It's great love.

Isn't that great?

Well, you've got to win her back.

Angelica...

trust me.

I have tried...

everything.

Well, what did she say when you told her that you love her?

Well...er...

actually, maybe not everything, but, er...

What did she say when you kissed her?

OK, maybe it's more like, er... two things I haven't tried.

Well...what have you tried?

I have very unsubtly implied how I feel about her.

OK. Get up.

-What?

-Get your ass off the barstool.

Angelica...

Hey, if you feel it

and you don't do everything in your power to reach for it,

you are basically slapping life in the face.

Hey, I hate to break it to you,

but I don't stand a chance here, OK?

As my father told me when I said

I'd never get that job in a bar,

"Honey, your odds go up when you file an application."

Sure, but, um... I'm up against...

Tad Hamilton.

You are Tad Hamilton.

-What?

-Don't you see?

Everybody's Tad Hamilton to somebody, Pete.

Rosalee's Tad Hamilton to you, and you're Tad Hamilton to me.

Angelica, thank you.

So start acting like it.

OK.

Yeah. OK.

You are a really good bartender.

-Hi.

-Hey.

-Come in, come in.

-I have something I want to talk to you about.

-Me, too.

-Really? You go first.

-No, you go first.

-No, seriously, you go first.

-OK.

Tad got a part in this huge movie,

and he asked me to go with him to California for the shoot.

We leave tomorrow afternoon. Isn't that great?

I probably should have gone first.

Why? what were you going to say?

It's nothing.

It was nothing.

Just, you know...

Travel safely, OK?

And just really enjoy the shoot.

Actually, no. I remember what I was going to say.

I love you, Rosie.

I always have.

If I've been a jerk this last week,

it's because I have been fighting.

I have been fighting for you.

I don't want to lose you to Tad Hamilton or anyone else.

You're the one.

So, er...any reaction to any of this?

Because now would be an excellent time.

Now? You kiss me now?

You say this to me now after 22 years of being my friend?

Yes, um... to all questions.

I'm...

I have to pack.

You, um...

You're telling me that you can't answer

the most important question that I'll ever ask in my entire life,

because you have to pack?

Well, not only do I have to pack,

but I have, like, a load of whites in the dryer, and, um,

my dad called my relatives from San Clemente