All of Me

# You took the part that once was my heart

# So why not take all of me? #

-Roger Cobb...

-GREEN

-Edwina Cutwater...

-YELLOW

-Terry Hoskins...

-BLUE

Take it, Roger!

PLAYS GUITAR SOLO - "All of Me"

SOLO ENDS...APPLAUSE

TEMPO SLOWS

-ALARM RINGS

-I'm getting too old for this.

ALARM STILL RINGING... SILENCE !

DOORBELL RINGS

RINGS AGAIN

IMPATIENT RINGING

-(Oh, God...)

-Happy birthday, my darling!

So, how does it feel to be 38?

Aw, great (!)

In two years I'll be 40. In twelve, I'll be 50. I'm really excited (!)

-It's... It's fun (!)

-Oh, sweetie!

What am I doing with my life?

What am I doing with my career?

-What am I doing with us?

-You're boring us.

-Yeah.

Do you love it?!

It's an African grave post.

IS that gorgeous?!

A grave post for my 38th birthday?

..Look, I'm sorry. I like it. I really do. It's really nice!

I've been thinking... Remember that thing you used to wanna talk about and I didn't?

You know, the 'M' word? Maybe it's time we DID the 'M' word.

-Roger, I don't think you're ready to do the 'M' word.

-I am, honest.

Peggy...I wanna get...'M'd'.

Roger, if you can't SAY the 'M' word, you're not ready to do it.

'Course I can say the 'M' word. Geez!

-CHOKING

-Marriage. There. What d'you think?

We'll not get into this now. You'll be late for work. Daddy hates that!

I just came by to wish you a happy, happy 38th!

That's a contradiction in terms.

"BLUESY" SAX MUSIC

FINISHES NUMBER

-That was very bodacious.

-He-ey! Roger Dodger, what it is! Hey, Bix!

Making any money today?

-Almost as much as I made last night.

-That bad, huh?

-Yeah.

I'm joining Jimmy Barr's Big Band. Come.

-I appreciate it, Ty, but...

-Don't gimme that "but, but" jive.

-Look at this face!

-I'm quitting the group.

-What?!

I've got to give up something.

-I can still make my name in law. I'm going nowhere as a musician.

-Aw-w-w, this is an unhappy face!

-It's not.

-Hey, this is the face of a man who is giving up the wrong thing.

-Don't pick my nose!

Correct your thinking or I'll tell the world you are a honky mook.

-You REALLY should not call another person a honky mook!

-And why not?

-For one reason, you're white.

-I AM?

-Yeah.

-MUSIC : "Auld Lang Syne"

Oh, my God, I am.

-I gotta go. I'm doing the right thing.

-Good jammin' with you, Bix.

Well?

Well, you're dying, all right.

-Since I was a child, doctors have been telling me I'm dying.

-You're really doing it now.

-How much time?

-A week, a day.

-A month?

-Uh-uh.

Good. The phone.

-Got a cigarette?

-You don't smoke.

-Can't hurt now.

Thank you.

After 32 years of marriage you're still a naughty little devil.

INTERCOM BUZZES Answer that. Maybe it's your wife.

Ever since she filed for divorce she hardly ever calls. Oh!

Edwina Cutwater's on 1. Oh, God! ..All right.

It's okay. I just wanted to tell you your wife subpoenaed me.

Gretch, I am so sorry about that!

I DO have to take this call.

-'Morning, Margo.

-Good morning, Roger. Good morning, Bix.

-Any good ones? Unfairly-evicted tenants, Indians...?

-Mr Van Rensley called. Wants to fire his chauffeur.

Mr Spencer Sen wants a premarital agreement made up for Mr Spencer Jr.

And Mr Spencer Jr called. He wants you to tell Mr Spencer Sen to mind his own friggin' business.

May justice prevail.

-Why do I do it?

-It's called paying dues.

-I've been paying dues for 11 years. I should own the club now!

Right on, Roger!

No more! I want worthwhile cases! I want a partnership.

-You're telling the wrong folk.

-I was practising. Wadding the messages is good. I'll do it for Schuyler.

She was the fourth woman today to tell me she'd been subpoenaed.

Mr Schuyler, I must talk to you.

I DON'T want her on the stand!

If you can't handle this the right way, I'll find someone who can!

-Mr Schuyler.

-I was gonna call you.

-Get Miss Cutwater's files. Go to the house. She's finally dying and her affairs are to be in order.

-No.

-I have to discuss my future here.

-We are. You're going to Edwina's.

I want a partnership.

-The day you give up bebop and concentrate on the law, we'll talk.

-Start talking.

I quit the band. I'm dedicating myself to my legal career.

-Later today, I'm going to buy a vest.

-My God! You're serious!

I am serious. I want to handle the big cases. No more "trick or treat" stuff.

-I've waited so long to hear you say that.

-But Edwina Cut...

-No, listen.

Long after Edwina is gone from this earth, her estate is going to generate more income for this office

than most small countries see in a year.

It'll take lots of sophisticated legal expertise to structure and administer those affairs.

Do this for me and I'll put you in charge of it all. If that's not big law, I don't know what the hell is.

The more I think about this thing, the better it sounds.

Don't look at me like that. I'm going as a legal adviser.

No more being looked down upon by people who think they're better than I am because they're rich.

From now on, I'll be respected... by people who think they're better than I am because they're rich.

-I'm Roger Cobb from Schuyler and Mifflin.

-You're expected. I'll show him up.

-Betty Ahrens.

-I'm Roger Cobb.

-Try not to excite her.

-Grayson! Oh, Grayson!

-Yes, madam?

Don't forget the invitations. Hand-delivered the moment I die.

The moment you die. Yes, madam.

-Ah, Mister...?

-Cobb.

-Cobb.

Ah, yes, you're the tedious one.

Would you accompany me to my desk?

Here's the name of my caterer and the evening's menu.

-Make sure they include plenty of goose pate.

-For the funeral?

-Goose pate is not for funerals!

-Engage the Fulton Norris Orchestra for the weekend.

-For a wake?

It's for a party. A corker. Guess what I'll do.

-What?

-I'll come back from the dead.

Oh...! And...what makes you think you can do that?

Because I am rich.

Grayson, come here, please. Over.

Miss Cutwater, um, this is not a parking-ticket we're talking about.

This is the, em, Grim Reaper.

-You cannot bribe Him.

-I spent a lifetime, shackled by frailty and poor health,

wheelchairs, sick-beds.

It's my heart, you see.

It means well, but it's always been something of a lemon.

I've got money and can't enjoy it.

I have never been to Europe.

I've never been anywhere, really.

Oh... Sure, I've ordered from Nieman's and Gucci's

but I've never actually been there.

I've never ridden my horses,

never been to the ballet, never danced.

But Cutwaters aren't quitters.

So, I've decided that if my wealth cannot help me in this life,

-then, by God, it'll buy me another one.

-You walkie-talkied, madam?

Yes, please send in Mr Prahka Lasa

-and what's-her-name Fred's daughter.

-Miss Terry.

-Gas me!

-Am I just getting your goose pate, or do you have any legal work?

-I need you to amend my will

so that what's-her-name, um... Fred's daughter will become inheritor for my entire estate.

-Ah, Your Grace!

-OH !!

-It's all right.

-All right.

-Come in.

-Come in! Come in! Come. Come.

-Come. Come.

(What's going on here? Who's Fred's daughter?)

Hello.

-Hello, I'm Terry Hoskins.

-Roger Cobb. So, YOU'RE Fred's daughter!

Who the heck is Fred?

-Daddy, come in please!

-Oh-h...

I'm against the 'ole thing, I am.

-Father is the stableman.

-It's unnatural !

-You're going to will all your money to the stableman's daughter and he is against it?

-No.

-He just said.

-I shall inherit nothing.

-You said she was to be sole beneficiary.

-Yes.

-So you'll inherit the estate.

No, she won't.

-What am I missing here?

-You see, thanks to His Holiness, Prahka Lasa I'm going to be transmigrated.

My soul will leave my body forever and become one with the universe.

-At which time, MY soul will enter HER body.

-..Ah! Good plan (!)

I'm sorry, but I don't think it's a good plan at all !

-Her soul going off who knows where?!

-Let's not go through it again.

-I know I wasn't much of a father to her, but I won't lose her again!

-Zip it.

Miss Cutwater, as your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that...

the will may be contested if you're deemed not of perfectly sound mind.

Why, you presumptuous ambulance chaser!

Are you insinuating that I am not of perfectly sound mind?

No, I wouldn't do that, but almost everyone in the solar system would.

Mr Cobb, the last thing I need here is your ill-informed negativity. Get out!

Thanks for not exciting her (!) PRAHKA LASA CHANTS

FRED: It's unnatural ! Terry!

No, Prahka! Not yet!

Prahka, not yet! I'm all right. I'm not ready.

-Is everybody here bananas?

-Mr Cobb.

Let me explain something to you.

You see...

-Closer, please.

-WEAK COUGHING

-THAT'S for bananas! Now, get out !

-Keep your estates!

Now you've hurt my hand. I'll tell Mr Schuyler you're an insolent toad

and demand that he fire you.

-Why don't you just enter his body and do it yourself?!

-And don't you come back, you peasant!

Because my grandfather didn't rape the environment and exploit the workers doesn't make me a peasant!

It's not that he didn't want to. But, as a barber, he didn't have much opportunity!

Grayson, bring the car... and my hairdresser and the gold and diamond jewellery. Over.

Got to hand it to you, it's clever!

-What is?

-Your scam.

It's legal, it's logical, but the bit with the bowl is overdoing it a little bit.

The bowl's attuned to the harmonics of Miss Cutwater's life force.

When her body dies it becomes the repository of her life force. It's the conduit from her body to mine.

-Of course, if you're wrong you inherit 20 million bucks.

-I don't want her money.

At 15, I left home thinking I could find myself in the material world. I found only pain.

His Holiness, Prahka Lasa teaches that possessions transmit pain.

I want something more valuable than money. For it I give up my physical being and am one with the universe.

And...don't you think that's just a little bit whacko?

Feel my heart.

You are unhappy.

You are anxious and unfulfilled because you are not doing with your life as you wish.

I am at peace. Which one of us is crazy?

You are.

Well...thank you.

'Morning, Margo.

-Mr Durant needs you to set up a Bermuda Corporation so he can write off his honeymoon. And...

-Forget it.

-I'm telling Schuyler he's to play me or trade me.

-He's in the conference room with Miss Cutwater.

She's here?!

Also with her doctor, with her nurse, Mr Mifflin, some English girl with no bra

and a Hindu, holding a bedpan on a stick. I don't think you should...

Just a little bit to go over now. Are you strong enough to continue?

What? ..Oh, I'm fine!

-Really.

-COUGHS AFFECTEDLY

-Tell them.

-She may die any minute.

-Ignore her. She's trying to make me feel good!

Very sorry to interrupt.

Madam, I wish to apologise for upsetting you before.

Mr Cobb, please. Don't grovel.

I'm not grovelling.

I'm apologising.

-Can I see you...?

-If you're here to save your job, it's too late.

-What?

It's quite lost by now.

Let me tell you something.

My father worked himself into an early grave, defending the rights of needy people.

Mother became a plumber's assistant to let me study law and continue his work.

-So if the only job I can get is in some skid row legal aid office, I'd take it...

-Enough!!

-You're an energy vampire.

-Stop!

-You suck the fun out of being a lawyer!

-Stop!!

-I have never heard such a moronic load of crap in my life!

-I don't have to take that.

-Not you, HER !

-You hear what she wants to do with her soul?

-Yeah!

-Jesus Christ!

-Nuts!

But you. Roger, you've got guts!

I never saw you stand up to anyone like that. You've a fire inside you.

To defend those who really need you.

-I never knew that about your father or mother.

-I made that up.

-You didn't?!

-Yeah.

-You son of a gun!

-Was pretty good, huh?

Roger, I have a case that needs a lawyer just like you.

You win it and I'll put you up for a partnership.

-This is not for one of these rich goofballs?

-No. For a nice man who's getting divorced.

-I think I'm gonna be a partner!

-Mazeltov!

O-oh, Bix, you're gonna be a partner's best friend!

Call the Fulton Norris Orchestra.

Tell them Miss Cutwater requests her favourite saxophone player, Tyrone Wattell, for a party.

-She'd like him to receive 1,000 for the night.

-What a guy!

Now, then...

Mr Mifflin can get Mr Cutassel. I'll sign as executor of the estate,

and then we will be all signed, > sealed and...

A tunnel!

-Edwina?

-With a very bright light.

-I was afraid of this.

-What the hell's she talking about?

-Terry... Oh, Prahka.

-Oh-h-h-h-h...

PRAHKA CHANTS AMIDST CONFUSION

Did she sign everything?!

< Get me 10 IV. Hurry!

SCHUYLER: Kim! Call the insurance company!

CHANTING

Doctor? I'm losing her. I'm losing her.

Get out my way, you...!

I lost her!

BOWL CLATTERS TO GROUND

-Where am I?

-What?

-GASPS

-I'm breathing! I must be alive!

-Who said that?

-No, I just died.

I'm picking up General Hospital in my fillings.

Then, it worked! Oh, my Lord!!

What the hell's happening to me?!

-EFFEMINATELY:

-'I feel like...the healthiest woman alive! Oh-h-h!'

Who said that?! I did.

-I'm going crazy.

-Uh-oh!

-That does not sound like Fred's daughter.

-No...

I'm not going crazy. Something hit me on the head. I'm hallucinating.

-GOD !!

-Oh, shit!

-What the hell are you doing there?!

-I can't even die right!

Why are you doing this to me?

-Dear God, don't you get enough laughs? What did

-I

-do to you?!

-Somebody tell me this is not happening.

-I'm afraid it is.

Let's just go have Prahka Lasa straighten out this mess.

My right leg! I'm paralysed!

-Here, let ME try.

-Ah-h-h-h!!

-We obviously have mutual control over our body.

-"OUR" body?!

-I'LL not share my body with anyone!

-Everyone'll be real disappointed (!)

Where are we going? 'We've got to find Prahka Lasa.' I can't go in.

Schuyler'll think I'm... Excuse me, this is a private conversation. NO!

PLEASE, just do as I say.

Oh-h-h-h-h!!

BOTH STRAINING

Ah, you seem to have control over the left side of your body,

while I feel dominant on the right. Oh, let GO of that!

Oh, you bitch!

'How about a little respect for the deceased?

'Let go of my hand, you brute!' ..I will not!

If you want me out of you then you must stop this ridiculous behaviour!

Lady, I don't know how you got in there, but I'm gonna get you out of me right now. Let's go!

Just wait. I'LL go first. Calm down and try to concentrate.

I'm the right side, and you're the left. First me, then you.

Me, you.

See? If we just co-operate.

We have to find Prahka Lasa.

-There's something we have to do first.

-What?

-Take a leak.

Bix, go see Margo!

Your foot, my foot, your foot, my foot. Very good! Your foot...

You're doing wonderfully well !

-Isn't it awful ?

-You've no idea.

'I can't go in the men's room!' Shut up and do as I say!

WHISTLING

Don't you ever yell at me again!

-I'm sorry, but this is NOT my idea of a good time!

-It's not my best day. I just died.

Oh...God! YOU'LL have to do it.

-I'll have to do what?

-You know. Take it out.

-Take what out?

-The little fireman.

-Little fireman?

-My PENIS !!

-How dare you say "penis" to a dead person!

Listen, lady, if you don't give "Big Ed" some air he's gonna piss all over your half of MY body!

Mr Cobb, if you are trying to scare me, it won't work.

Stop it! Stop it!!

..All right, first, let go of your gr-r-rip.

Now, slowly take your hand... Now, slowly!! All right.

We're going to try it again.

Carefully. Very carefully.

SIMULTANEOUS CLEARING OF THROATS

-What the hell are you DOING in there?!

-Trying to release your "Mr Ed".

-Don't play with it!

-You needn't talk. I can hear your thoughts.

Oh, great! Just what I always wanted (!)

URINATES

-Shall I tap?

-Yes.

-Tap, tap.

-Thank you.

I meant what I said about yelling.

I was, uh... just talking to myself in there.

-Was nothing much.

-There's Fred's daughter!

-'Yoo-hoo, Terry!'

-From now on, don't use my mouth. Try to walk more like a man!

-All right.

-I feel so terrible.

-I know. It's not your fault it didn't work.

-How do you know it didn't work?

-You'll not believe...

-Where's the swami?

-He left. He's shy.

-Left?! Where did he go?!

-'Don't worry. I know where he'll be.' You'd better!

-Mr Cobb?

-D'you still want to go through the transmigration thing?

-Yes.

-Mr Cobb?

Excuse me. Mr Schuyler wants you.

Thanks. Where can we reach you?

-I'm staying at Miss Cutwater's. Who's "we"?

-Roger, he said NOW.

I'll explain later. Trust me.

Don't swing your arm so much!

There's something odd about Cobb. You've just noticed he's odd?! He's speaking with a funny voice.

Have you heard his secretary? He's...

We'll discuss this later.

'Tattle-tale!'

-YOU feeling okay?

-Yeah. Just this Cutwater thing got under my skin. I need leave...

-No. Court tomorrow.

-Tomorrow. I...

-Clear the decks.

Sit down.

It's MY divorce.

Nobody knew.

It's embarrassing. Seymour was representing me. Wanted me to settle.

-If you want a partnership, you do for me what you did in...

-Oh, God, not now!

-Explain what happened.

If I tell him, he'll put me away.

-First, there's something very personal I have to clear up.

-Sit down. I'll tell everything.

-No...

-Don't be embarrassed.

-I started cheating on my wife three years ago.

-Oh, goody, man-talk!

-I never intended to.

-Women started throwing themselves at me.

-'You must be joking!'

-What?

-I must be choking.

-I know it's not because I'm Paul Newman.

-'You can say that again!'

-What?!

-Could you say that again?

-I'm not Paul Newman?

-NOT Paul Newman.

Anyway,

it seems that one of my wife's best friends suddenly lost her husband.

Women usually do outlive their men.

Naturally, she found herself cut off from her normal sexual relations

-and...

-And you comforted her. You did nothing wrong.

-Yeah, I was incredible!

I think I can figure out the rest.

-Then another was widowed...

-Two indiscretions. No big deal.

And another one, and, em, another.

Soon, just going to a funeral would give me a hard-on.

-Speaking on behalf of the dead, I find this disgusting!

-I got the picture.

-It's not just sex.

Let me tell you.

These sweet, darling ladies have given new purpose to my life...

Are you all right?

-Fine. Fine.

-Oops, sorry!

Do you understand what I'm saying?

I get to give love and happiness to people who really need it.

Hell, I'm the West Coast distributor of love and happiness.

-I should get a dinner, not court.

-HE should get a social disease!

-I won't let you down.

-I hope not.

Shake hands with him, like a man.

Crazy musicians!

-You won't regret this.

-I know.

If I do, you'll never practise in the Free World again.

-I certainly hope you plan on losing that case!

-How'd it go?

-I plan to lose YOU!

-Thanks a lot!

You've a lot to learn about making someone feel welcome.

I never liked you when you were in your body. I hate you in mine!!

Why are YOU getting so upset?

'Cause I want my body back! I want my freedom and my privacy!

-To take a leak and not be fondled.

-It may be hard to believe,

but fondling you as you make pee-pee is not my idea of fun.

Fine... Fine!

It's two o'clock. I have a lot of work to do.

-I want you out of me by 3.15. Now, where's the swami?

-Well...

He's never been away from Tibet,

so I've put him up at the Ambassador. What IS the number?

Hotels. H... H... H...

HUMMING

-#

-Let your fingers do...

-#

-Here it is! The Ambassador.

And look over here! Arlington!

Where Mummy, in spring '62, had her amethyst stolen. Distressing!

GIVE me that!!

SINGS QUIETLY

FLUSHES, PHONE RINGS

SWAMI MIMICS "RINGING" FROM BIDET

FLUSHES, RINGING CONTINUES Ring!

FLUSH, RING Ring!

FLUSHES, PHONE STOPS RINGING

No. He hasn't checked out.

-Oh, dear.

-Yeah. Oh, dear (!)

-"I know where to find him". Good going, Edwina (!)

-Miss Cutwater.

Hi, Margo. Oh, hi, Peg.

Anyone fondling me in a men's room, I can be on first name terms with!

-'You told me to pull out your penis.'

-Coffee?

Where is she?!

Oh, boy...

-WHERE is she?!

-There's nobody here.

-Liar!! I heard her.

-So you wanna get married?

-There's nobody else here.

-You little slut!

'Who is she calling a slut?!' SHH!

I heard that!

-Where is she?

-It was me. Bix, stop!

-It was you?

-I was talking to myself.

-Listen. 'Your perfume suits you. It's cheap and common.'

-Your side!

-Who fondled you in the men's room?

-Me.

-Liar!

-How DARE she!

-Edwina!

Edwina?! My name is Peggy, you pig!

No, let me explain. It's Edwina Cutwater, she died today.

..You did it with a DEAD woman?!

-No...

-Roger, you are sick!

-To think I came up here to discuss marrying you, even though I heard what you're doing to Mother.

-What?

-You're going to court to represent "the other side" against my mother.

-I'm representing your father!

-To beat my mother!

-Oh, God...!

-If you do this, we're through.

-If I don't your father'll have my balls.

Then it's either me or your balls.

But you can't have both!

Mmm...

I'm not sure what purpose balls serve, but they've got to make a better pair than the two of you.

Well?

-I'm very attached to them, Peg.

-Goodbye, Roger.

By the way, I never liked your dog!

And I think jazz is stupid!

..And I faked all those orgasms.

Sound familiar (?)

Yeah, well I faked mine...too...

Aw, we're better off without HER. She just isn't right for us.

-Ever since our "accident", I have sensed a lot of hostility coming from you.

-Well, excuse me (!)

But I'm watching my entire career go down the sewer 'cause I've got a dead woman living inside me.

-The only one who can get you out is a cosmic weirdo you can't find!

-I can... Wait! D'you have a car?

-Oo-h, this is fun!

-Dammit!

-Whee-ee!

-What are you doing?

-I'm gonna learn how to drive.

-What are all these pedal things?

-Get your foot off the gas!

-Ow! I could strangle this mangey mongrel !

-All right. That's it.

-This isn't the way! Where are we going?

-I'll not submit my dog to this, one minute more. Tyrone!

Oh, great! I gotta talk to you.

Roger Dodger! Got a call from the union about some gig. Wouldn't say who recommended me. Had to be you.

-Thanks.

-Hey. 'Can we get on?'

-Someone with you?

-Sort of, yeah.

Well, introduce me to the lady.

Edwina Cutwater, Tyrone Wattell.

'Pleased to meet you.'

Pleased to meet you. Hairy knuckles for a chick.

-I need your help. Can you take care of Bix for a few days?

-Sure, I'd...

-Wait a minute. What's wrong?

-I don't think I can explain.

-WHAT'S wrong?

Well... Edwina died today.

-Her soul entered me and took over half of my body.

-Why didn't you say so?

-I knew you'd understand.

-I got friends crazier than you, but I ain't got many better.

-Thanks. Go, Bix.

Come, Bix. Nice meeting you, Edwina.

-'Bye!'

-SCREECH OF TYRES

A woman who would rather buy a candle than curse the darkness.

-CHOIR SINGS SOFTLY IN BACKGROUND

-Boy, you pack 'em in, don't you (!)

-(Come in.) I'll start over, if you like.

-Uh, no, thank you.

And we wonder, oh, Lord, what it means when a person passes away

-and so few take the time to pay final respects.

-Oh, big deal (!)

He's not here. Let's go find him.

-We HAVE received a number of mailgrams from bereaved loved ones.

-Wait! I must hear this.

-I have to prepare for the most important case of my life. Come on.

-No! I want to hear this!

-Really...

-I mean it. SIT !!

-Very touching. "We will miss her. Bellaire Oxygen Supply Co."

-Sweet.

"She was truly a great customer. J & J Wheelchairs."

They remembered!

-From Browning Orthopaedic Mattresses "May she continue to rest in peace".

-How deeply touching!

-Mr Cobb.

-Huh...?

-Mr Cobb.

Oh, hi.

What...?

-What time is it?

-Almost midnight. This morning you were going to tell me how you knew it didn't work.

Oh, God...

Edwina?

She's asleep.

-Who's asleep?

-Sh-h. Edwina. Don't wake her. Wow...!

-This is great when she's asleep!

-She's dead.

No, she's not. She entered me instead of you.

-What?

-Where's the swami?

-I haven't seen him.

-Maybe he's back at the hotel.

-I called. He's not.

We should go there and wait for him. I can't take much mo...

Oh, dear! Relax. Stop worrying.

-I really think we ought to go find him.

-I'm sure he'll help you more tomorrow morning.

If Miss Cutwater really is inside you, he will help her leave your body and enter mine...

Okay.

Mr Cobb.

This morning,

-when I placed your hand on my heart, did you feel anything special?

-Yes.

-I felt your left...

-Yes.

I felt something very special pass between us.

Oh, Mr Cobb, by this time tomorrow, my soul will be gone. I want to know love, one last time.

-If you think we really ought to...

-Please, Mr Cobb...

Let me take the memory of passion to sustain me in the next world.

So this would be, like,

-for a good cause?

-Oh, yes...

(God... We have to be VERY quiet!)

Sure! Sure!

Good cause. It's for a good cause.

I'm ready, Mr Cobb. Take me!

Keep sleeping, Edwina.

-SHE MOANS

-Now!

-SLEEPY SIGHING

-What...? What IS all this?

-What's going on here?

-Oh, no!

-Oh, yes...

-What ARE you doing to her?

-I'm not doing anything.

Go back to sleep. You're dreaming. 'Why, Miss Hoskins! You whore!'

'You lascivious whore!' Oh, no!

-Oh, YES !

-'You're a shameless little slut!'

-Yes!

-Shut up!

-Talk dirty.

-'You're nothing but a cheap sex tramp!'

-Good! Good!

Now, call me a poodle. Call me a cheap, slut, sex poodle.

-'You deserve a good spanking!'

-Oo-oh, Mr Cobb!

-'Oh, you... You little bad bunny!' Edwina! No!

-Mr Cobb, YES ! You love rocket!

-'Stop talking like that!'

-Spank me again, you bad boy!

-Edwina, stop it!

'She should be ashamed of herself! And you should, too!' HEY !!

Mr Cobb...!

Edwina, go away! 'I own that body. What if you got her pregnant?'

-No, YOU have no right! 'And you have no class. You're crude and unattractive.'

-God, it IS her!

I'm sorry you had such a lousy life, I really am.

Just 'cos nobody did this to you...

I am quite proud of my virginity! It's a thing I always treasured.

-Nobody else ever wanted it!!

-DOOR SLAMS

Terry, wait!

SIGHING

Lady,

if Prahka-CACA doesn't show up by tomorrow, I'm gonna get a lobotomy,

or something. But you're getting the keys to the street!

Oh, stop being such a martyr.

-As soon as I'm not dead any more, I'll pay you for your troubles.

-It's why no-one was at the service.

You forgot to hire mourners.

-You're an insensitive horse's ass. D'you know that?

-Drop dead!

Look, Cobb, I am talking to you!

There's a good reason why nobody showed up at my memorial service.

-Yeah? What?

-I have no friends.

I'm looking back at an entire lifetime, and I don't have one friend.

I've never had any friends.

I've had only nannies and tutors and servants and nurses...

Once my parents hired a clown to entertain me. But he didn't like me.

And when my parents weren't in the room, he'd just sit there without even trying to amuse me.

That's a terrible clown!

Yes. Well, that's not all.

When Fred's daughter was a little girl, she'd come to my house to visit her father.

The nurses would push my oxygen tent over to the window to let me watch her and all her friends

ride my horses and swim in my pool and run and play and laugh.

And dance... Oh...

And I swore

I'd give every cent I had to be able to do all that. To be free. To be like HER.

Well... Well, I've humiliated myself.

Anyway, what I really wanted to say was I'm sorry I spoiled your birthday.

-I'm sorry if I made your being dead an unpleasant experience.

-I AM dead, aren't I? Make me not dead.

I can't, Edwina.

No sense wishing.

I feel MUCH better.

-It's late. Go back to sleep.

-Well, aren't YOU coming to bed?

-YAWNING

-I can't.

I gotta prepare for this case tomorrow. YOU go to sleep.

-SHE YAWNS

-Okay. Goodnight, Roger.

Goodnight, Edwina.

Roger! Roger!

Roger, wake up. Funeral time.

Let's go! We've got to get up, Roger. Come on! Up, up! Let's go!

Did you have a good night's sleep last night?

Oh, yeah. Got the full seven, seven and a half minutes.

Oh, God...

CHANTING

PHONE RINGS

HE SINGS: # Ring! #

FLUSHING AND "RINGING"

# Ring!

# Ring! #

PHONE RINGS OUT

Roger!

-All right, I'm awake!

-You've no idea what it's like to be in a healthier body than ever before!

I tried to find out last night.

I cannot believe you are still upset about that. Careful.

Of course you can't! Hurry this up.

Your problem is, you don't understand how life is to be lived. To be experienced and savoured.

I know. Why d'you think I've gone to so much trouble and expense to buy another chance?

-Because you mistakenly assume it'll make a difference.

-It will, too!

-You'll still be the same sourpuss.

-As bitter and alone as ever.

-No.

I'm gonna dance, I'm gonna twirl and spin.

I'm going to cha-cha-cha and dip deeply.

-Go like this...

-Too unattractive.

So is a deep scar. Just do as I say, we don't have time to argue.

-My funeral's not until 10.30.

-I've to be in court at 8.30!

-How are we gonna make the 10.30 funeral if you've to be in court?

-I'll figure it out at 10.29.

You're cranky when you're tired.

Do you recognise your signature on this cheque? Yes.

On this? Yes.

And this?

Yes. No further questions.

-Counsellor?

-Roger?

Roger!

Roger! Oh, my God!

You can't fall asleep on me now!

-< Counsellor?

-'Just a second!'

Roger, please, wake up!

Counsellor, the court is waiting.

'Uh... Your honour, I...'

Edwina, a man! Act like a man!

-'Your honour, I...'

-DEEPLY

-'Your Honour.

-'Aw-w, gosh...'

-CLEARING THROAT

'Uh...'

Proceed.

-What the hell's the matter with you?

-'I'm just a little nervous.'

-Don't be. It's just your career at stake.

-EFFEMINATELY

-'Mr Schuyler...

-DEEP "MAE WEST" VOICE

-'You didn't really give those women a half a million dollars in gifts?'

Yes, I did.

-VERY DEEPLY

-'OH-H-H-H-H... I bet you had a darn good reason.'

-(Why are you acting like this?)

-'Say yes.'

-Yes.

'He had a darn good reason!'

-Proceed.

-'Proceed.'

Proceed, Edwina. Like a man. Proceed like a man.

-'Wait a second! Every Christmas, you gave me... You gave, uh, Miss Cutwater darling little gifts.

-Yes.

'So it is your practice. Indeed, ladies and gentlemen of the...world

'it is standard practice among many business professionals

-'to reward valued clients with gifts, is it not?'

-Yeah.

Yes, it is! Objection.

The money came from the Schuylers' account and cannot be construed as business gifts.

'GOOD point, toots!

'Women! Can't live with them, can't live without 'em!'

Oh, Roger, please wake up!

Mr Cobb.

I'm sorry, Roger.

ROGER !! WA-A-A-A-AKE U-U-U-U-UP!

-Mr Cobb, are you all right?

-Yeah...

-(No problem.)

-How do you respond to the objection?

-Objection?

Uh... Could you read that back?

"The money came from the Schuylers' account and cannot be construed as business gifts."

-Business gifts?

-Sorry, couldn't think of...

-You're brilliant!

Your Honour, Mrs Schuyler's sole source of support was Mr Schuyler.

His source of income was his law firm, so the better his business was, the more he could take home.

Therefore, since business gifts are intended to increase business,

the more generous Mr Schuyler was with his gift-giving, the more able he was to support Mrs Schuyler.

Give me a minute.

Oh, Edwina, I could kiss you! We're gonna win it, I'm gonna get my partnership and make that funeral.

-None of those women were clients, but I won't tell if you...

-What?

-Objection overruled.

-Thank you.

-Just a second. This isn't fair!

-I move... 'Those women were not...' Shut up!

-What did you just say?

-Nothing.

-Just tell me.

-I said nothing.

-Not his what?

-N... 'Not his clie...'

-Are you all right?

-Bit my tongue.

-Mr Schuyler, were any of those women clients of yours?

-'Here we go!'

No.

-You're dead-meat.

-Edwina soul's inside me.

'Blame it on me!' I had it won. 'I did, but it was wrong.'

'I'll not be party to unfairness.' Fairness?! In a court of law (?)

That'll be 500, contempt of court.

-'Good for you, Judge!'

-1,000.

-You shut up!

-YOU shut up! 1,500!

-Not you, her!

-Shut up!

-'Huh!

-I

-contributed to your campaign!'

2,000! Better throw this jackass out of my court!

I'm going to the State Bar. You're a lunatic!

He's a pervert! Plays with himself!

He had sex with a dead body. You're fired, Cobb!

Oh, Roger, I see what you mean about "life is to be savoured"!

It's SO... It's SO dramatic!

I am going to KILL you!

I was just trying to help.

You failed!

D'you know what's happened to me since you've been helping me?! I've lost my girl, my job...

Broke my sunglasses. Stop helping!

You know, you are SO ungrateful !

If it weren't for me, you would get that partnership and you'd HAVE to take cases like that.

-You'd be married to Peggy. Is THAT savouring life?

-YOU can talk!

I spent my life in a sickbed. What's YOUR excuse?

It's just like a dead person to say that.

-How much to the airport?

-Thirty bucks.

-Here's 100. Pan-Am Airlines.

-This flight's not till midnight.

-Make it 200.

-No problem! > No problem.

-Bon voyage!

-Voyage.

-We're wasting time. Let's get to the cemetery.

-He'd better be there.

-Maybe...

-He'd better!!

There's the elevator. Hurry! Oh, I LOVE running!

-You seen Prahka?

-Hoped you had.

-I stopped by the hotel this morning. He wasn't there.

-Oh, God!

What is THAT?

Who are all those people behind my hearse?

-I invited them.

-What d'you mean?!

Last night while you were asleep, I...wanted to surprise you.

I thought it might make your funeral a little more...fun.

Edwina?

Ed... Edwina?

Have you got a mirror? A compact?

Thank you.

Ooh! Oh, Roger! Thank you!

Okay, okay! Don't make a big deal out of it. I just...

I just did it 'cause I thought I liked you. I got over it. Come on.

It's all right. I'm okay, now.

-I'm fine.

-You're okay?

-Yes.

It's the... It's the nicest thing anybody's ever done for me!

-Don't say that.

-But it IS !

LOUD SOBBING

You're the best friend I've ever had.

-Thanks.

-Are you all right?

Oh, yeah. The music got to me.

And I will dwell in the House of the Lord forever. Amen.

BAND PLAYS LIVELY JAZZ TUNE

Terry!

I have this terrible feeling we'll never see Prahka Lasa again.

-We've gotta find that guy. Maybe he's back at the hotel.

-He's not.

..Hey, maybe he's trying to get home. Let's check the airport.

-You may be right about the hotel. We should try there first.

-Okay.

-What are you doing?

-You may not have another chance.

-But I don't...

-Please, Roger.

-I want to feel your naked skin next to mine. I want to feel our bodies merge.

-I guess a quick merge is OK.

Oh, no you don't! Do we have to go through this again?

Relax. You may learn something.

-We have to find Prahka Lasa.

-I'm just taking a little breather.

-Put your little breather back in your trousers and...

-Don't I excite you?

-Edwina! What're you...?

-I am thinking of very old nuns.

-Please don't do this to me!

-Roger, don't you want me?

-Oh, God!

Now she's thinking of dead kittens! Would you excuse us?!

All right! What happened to "Oh, Roger, you're my best friend"?

I just don't feel like performing a sexual act on Fred's daughter.

-She could perform one on us?

-No!

-PLEASE !

-What is so important about sex?

-What is so important?

That's like saying, "What's so important about laughing?", or Duke Ellington or the World Series.

It makes you feel you're living.

I am already glad to be alive.

I don't need to play tonsil hockey with some English tart to feel good. I already feel good.

-I feel quite tingly.

-Those are MY tingles you're feeling.

-What?

-It's called sexual excitement.

-It is?

-Yes, and if you think THIS feels good,

wait till you feel what a hot, passionate boffing feels like.

-What happens? Better tingles?

-O-o-o-oh, MAJOR tingles!

-But will she still respect us in the morning?

-She doesn't now.

-Let's boff.

-Oh, dear! This could be sort of embarrassing.

-For who?

-For me! As soon as I get Terry's body you'll know what I look like naked.

-I won't tell.

-Thanks.

You're welcome. Now, shut up!

What should I do? How can I help?

-Fantasize.

-I'm good at that.

-Oh, Terry...!

-Oh, Roger!

-'Oh, Clark!'

Wait a second. Right!

-What are you doing?!

-Fantasizing.

-My head is filled with pictures of Clark Gable taking his shirt off.

-It's hot!

-It's cooling me off.

It's making me tingle like crazy!

-Just throw in a couple of women on top of him and we're in business! Okay?

-Okay.

-Is it all right now?

-Sort of.

She's got the whole cast of "Gone With the Wind" humping in my head.

-Oh, Roger...

-Oh, Terry...

-Oh, Clark, Vivien and Olivia! Oh, Ashley...! Butterfly!

CLANGING

-Oh, no! Son of a bitch!

-Of a bitch?

I don't believe... Where have you been?

Been.

Airport...? Why were you at the airport?!

It is now time for Miss Cutwater's soul to enter Miss Hoskins.

-Miss Hoskins.

-'It's me, Prahka.

'I'm inside Roger.'

-HU-U-U-UM !

-Go get the bowl ! YEAH !!

CHANTING

Terry.

I guess it wasn't meant to be between us.

But I want you to know that wherever it is you're going

-I hope you'll be happy.

-I will.

I've got a wonderful house and beautiful horses and all the money in the world. I'll be happy.

-If you think I'm going through with this...

-'What...?' I'll handle this.

When I heard about this, I thought, "If the mad woman wants to give her money away she can give it to me."

You just can't leave her in me!

I'd love to stay, but you've served your purpose.

I've got to get back for my party.

Ciao.

By the way, don't bother coming.

The guards know to keep you out.

Bye, Roger. Goodbye, Miss Cutwater. So long, Prahka (!)

PRAHKA'S HUMMING STOPS

Please, don't say it.

Oh, dear God! All I wanted was a second chance.

A fair shake.

Instead, I've made a mess of your life.

And I've... I've left all my money to a lying, cheap, slut sex poodle! Oh...!

'Prahka.

'I want you to release my soul. Give Roger his freedom.' NO !

-She cheated us. We'll fight.

-No.

Perhaps Prahka can put my soul into an eagle.

Or some wonderful bird, Roger.

So that I can fly free with the wind, hover over my house and SHIT on HER head!

-Stop that.

-I can't help it. I'm pissed.

I became a lawyer 'cos I wanted to fight injustice.

-To help the little guy against the big guy.

-Big guy.

Instead, I wound up representing powerful, rich people, like you.

But now, don't you see?

You're a pauper, bilked out of what is yours by Terry, now one of the wealthiest women in California!

You wanna be a bird? Forget it!!

-Oh-h-h-h...

-Don't go soft on me.

Offering you your freedom is the first unselfish thing I've done.

-How does it feel?

-Wonderful !

You're OK. Give me the Fulton Norris Orchestra's number.

-Dad, you don't have to do that. You're not an employee any more.

-Someone's got to!

-I'll hire someone.

-Pack. You're moving to the house.

-No.

-I won't have people saying my father lives in a stable.

-You're coming to the party. For God's sake take a bath!

-You're nicer to that horse than to people.

-You should take 'IM to your party.

-I would if I thought it appropriate.

Oh, you're lucky you're a gelding!

Step it up, guys. Thank you.

Smile. Gentlemen, if you have to winkie, let's do it now. Full rehearsal in five minutes.

(C'mon! C'mon!)

­ How d'you plan to pull this off?

-Beats the heck out of me!

-If I can be of any help. You're in worse trouble than I thought.

-Strum! Strum!

-This is SO much more fun than being a lawyer!

-I know.

-I think you should forget the law and become a musician full-time.

-I can't.

There's nothing sadder than looking back and saying "I didn't do it right." Believe me, I know.

-My solo's coming up. I need control of my hand! Can you give it to me?

-Sure.

PLAYS ROCK RIFFS HAM-FISTEDLY

Sorry, again.

Is THIS some sort of a joke?! You didn't LIKE that?

-Listen, I'll be okay. I just...need a minute.

-Okay, let's take a break.

-Bring bowl.

-Bowl.

-C'mon.

Your friend's a real freak. Thank you!

See you in the morning.

I've got to put on a bloody tuxedo!

(Okay, Prahka.)

CHANTING

Edwina?

-(Okay. Miss Hoskins.)

-Hoskins.

-Grab the bowl !

-Stop it!!

-CHANTING

Edwina in bowl?

Where's Edwina?

Edwina.

-Edwina in water?!

-Edwina.

You made a big mistake! Guards!

-Can you put her back in the bowl?

-Back in bowl?

-Back in bowl !

-Back in bowl ! Neem.

Neem?

-Oh, you have to FIX the bowl?

-Bowl.

-Fix bowl.

-Fix bowl.

-Fix bowl.

-You put Edwina back in bowl. Edwina...

-Back in bowl !

-Go!

-Go!

Edwina, if you can hear me, blow some bubbles, or something. ..I'm talking to a bucket.

Get that bucket! Get the bucket!!

Don't let him get away!! Hurry!

Ty. Feel this? Take care of it.

-What is it?

-It's very, very special.

-No problems.

What are you doing with the bucket?

Get out of my way!

That way!

Aw-w-w-w! Damn!

It's all right.

No!

Want us to throw him out, ma'am?

No, he's harmless now.

Goodbye, Edwina.

Good evening.

Ah, Mr Mifflin, good evening. Mr Schuyler. We have rather a pleasant orchestra. Come and dance.

Daddy, how debonair!

I'm Terry Hoskins. Welcome to Hoskins' Manor.

-#

-All of me

-#

-Why not take all of me?

-#

-Can't you see

-#

-I'm no good without...?

-#

ORCHESTRA PLAY "ALL OF ME"

God rest her wonderful soul.

Just remember how comforting it'll be to look around this magnificent home and see Edwina in everything.

Yes. Especially the flower-bed.

Yes.

Ty, I thought I had everything under control.

Sorry, ma man, I didn't see her grab the pitcher.

It's not your fault, Ty.

Oh, man, I feel empty.

You know, I know this sounds crazy, but I actually miss the old girl.

EFFEMINATELY: 'Old girl?!'

It's not funny, Ty.

-'I'm not trying to be funny, you peasant!'

-Edwina!

-'No, it's Pearl Bailey (!) Who the hell d'you think it is?!'

-Oh, Edwina!

-That's MY side, stupid!

-'I'M over here.'

-Why are you in Ty?

-'How should I know?! Can't see!'

When you brought the pitcher, I thought it was gin and drank some.

Why didn't you say something?!

-'I wanted to see if you missed me.'

-Cute! Come on, Ty. Come on!

(Come on!)

Hey, Bix!

Prahka!

-Fix bowl.

-Fix bowl ! Great!

-Edwina in water?

No, Edwina not in water. Speak.

'Your Holiness, it is I, Edwina Cutwater.'

Edwina! 'I fail to see humour in this situation.'

-He drank her.

-Drank her?

-Drank her.

-He drank her?!

-He drank her!

LAUGHTER 'Had it not been for Mr Wattell, I'd be Edwina, the flower-bed! Dope!'

-Dope.

-Look, take Edwina out. Put back in me.

-In me?

-Okay?

-Okay!

-It's the only safe place.

-'Oh, you really ARE my friend!'

I hope nobody else can see this.

Okay.

PRAHKA CHANTS

Goodnight. If you need anything, call Grace.

-Goodnight.

-Goodnight.

-Goodnight!

-Ty, you gotta get back on the bus!

-No way, Jose. I gotta find out how this ends.

-Ty!

-Besides, I can be a help. Walking around in the dark's my territory.

-Okay.

Oh, God!! This way.

What kinda seein' eye dog is he?!

(You hang back here.)

PRAHKA: Hang back here.

Hi, sailor.

-Are you having a good time?

-Yeah, I am!

-I hope I have as much fun in my new body as I've had in yours.

-Thanks.

-There she is!

-Roger.

Now that you know what a horrible person she is, aren't you glad you weren't intimate with her?

I thank my lucky stars.

I'm glad you said that.

I've been thinking.

-If things work out, you might get another chance.

-Edwina Cutwater!

That's our cue.

-Let's go!

-Let's go.

-(Ty.

-Watch.

-Sh-h-h!

(Come on, Prahka. Come on, Prahka!)

Bix, go outside. Go on! Go on!

-Prahka, take care of Ty.

-Ty.

-Good.

OWW!

-CLANG !

-Shhh!

-Shhh!

-Shh!

Neem!

-Hello, darling (!)

-Grab her! COCKS GUN

-Roger, man, I think she has a gun.

-Let's all take a nice little walk.

-Where?

-Shhh, you'll wake my guests.

-What're you going to do?

-I shall say you sneaked back to rob me.

-That you took this gun...

-We're in trouble...

You led me at gunpoint to a quiet room. This is IT. In!

-It won't work.

-I'll tell the truth.

-You took me here, we struggled...

-What's going on?! That sounded like a gunshot!

­ They're fighting now.

CLATTERING Sounds like a table with china on.

It's okay. It's all over. Who won?

-We did, Ty.

-I'M calling the police!

-No, don't!

-I'll go back to jail!

-Back to jail?

What? ­ Where did all the people come from?

Get me the police. Police?!

Attempted homicide. Two counts. That'll be your third conviction.

You're going into the slammer and they'll throw away the key.

-I won't go. I'll kill myself first!

-She would.

-Police? Burton Schuyler. I want to report an attempted homi...

-Stop.

-Miss Cutwater.

-'Yes?'

If I go to jail, I take my body with me.

Hang up, Schuyler.

I'll make a deal with you.

PRAHKA CHANTING

Terry!

'Oh, my Lord, that was powerful !'

-Edwina?

-'Roger!

'It worked! It REALLY worked!'

Is Terry in there too?

'She's gone.'

-Terry?

-SNORTING

Are you sure this is what you want, honeybun?

-Thank you, ma'am. I don't know how to explain it to her parole officer but thank you.

-That's all right.

Come on, baby.

No more thieving, swindling, just running, prancing and jumping the rest of your life.

SLOWLY PLAYS: "All of Me"

PRAHKA PLAYS FIRST NOTE OF EACH LINE

BURSTS INTO LIVELY ACCOMPANIMENT

Well, how do you feel?

Alive and healthy and...

And scared.

Why?

Because I've finally got what I always wanted. No excuses any more.

Welcome to the REAL world.

What?

-It tingles.

-It's supposed to.

-You ought to try it more often.

-Is that advice from my lawyer?

-I'm no lawyer. I'm a musician.

-You are?

I've had more real feeling in the last two days than in the last ten years in that office!

Papers stacked up to here...

Most of us have one shot at life. I'll not spend mine behind a desk.

-I love it when you talk like a beer commercial.

-Hey, let's dance.

-I don't know how.

-Oh, it's easy!

Now, put your feet on top of mine.

-SHE GIGGLES

-That's how kids learn how to dance.

Now, try with your own feet.

MUSIC : "All of Me"

# All of me

# Why not take all of me?

# Can't you see

# I'm no good without you?

# Take my lips

# I wanna lo-ose them

# Take my arms

# I'll never use them

# Your goodbye Left me with eyes that cried

# How can I Go on, dear, without you?

# You took the part

# That once was my heart

# So why not take all of me?

# Why not take a-all

# of me?

# Take all of me

# Can't you see

# I'm no good without you?

# Take my lips

# I wanna lo-ose them

# And take my arms

# I'll never u-use them

# Your goodbye

# Left me with eyes that cried

# How can I Go on, dear, without yo-ou?

# You took the part

# That once was my heart

# So why not, why not, why not

# Why not, why not, why not

# Why not, why not, why not

# Why not take all of me-e?

# Why not take all of me, baby?

# Why not take all of me? #

Subtitles by Valerie Maguire BBC Scotland, 1990