Beautiful but Dangerous

After 100,000 miles, you'll find it'll be just as good as new.

-You like it?

-I love it.

-I'll pay on delivery. This is Corby Lane.

-Glad to know you.

-I'm John Bentley, President of the Lane Oil Corporation.

-Plummer's my name.

-When Miss Lane...

-One thing.

-What's that?

Could I have the steering wheel on the other side?

I've been in England for a while and I'm used to the wheel over here.

You're in America, we have left-hand drive.

-In England they drive on the left.

-Left, right, I don't know.

Excuse me.

Sit behind the wheel? Get a feel.

-<

-Mr Plummer?

-I'll be back in a minute.

-Get in.

-What's this for?

-I don't know.

Cigarette lighter.

-These are the lights.

-Corby, you're making a mistake.

-You don't want me to buy the car?

-I don't care if you buy 12.

But this idea of driving down there and spreading money around,

you'll will only spread inflation.

-And you don't even know the people.

-I do. There's Dr Sellers and...

And who?

I'll find out the others from him.

Just think...

They took up a collection and sent me to St Louis for the operation.

I HAVE to pay them back.

You don't just pay people.

You go and spread money around, they'll put you in an asylum.

Maybe I won't give them any money or let them know who I am.

Maybe I'll see what they want first.

CAR HORN BEEPS

Give them a library, or a church or a statue of George Washington,

but don't go down there and meddle!

Look, when I have an obligation I fulfil it.

-When I start to do a thing, I do it.

-Even as a child...

you were a meddler and I always end up with a headache!

< Lady! The sign says, "No parking."

-Can you help? I'm looking for Progress.

-It passed this town by.

It's a home-grown joke. We've used it for 50 years. This is Progress.

-What can I do?

-I'm looking for Dr Robert Sellers.

-Back behind you. Two-storey house with a picket fence.

-Thank you.

-That's one of 'em new ones.

-I think so.

-What mileage are you getting?

I just fill it up when it's empty.

-Looks like last year's.

-No, got a new piece of chrome. Very nice.

I'd hit it lickety-split for California.

-You like it?

-It'll do.

-How long have you lived here?

-All my life.

-How old are you?

-39.

How old are you?

There was a reason for asking.

-I turn to the left?

-Yeah, first left.

-Thank you.

-Who do you suppose she is?

-I don't know.

-Talks funny.

-Yeah.

I was in a television store and saw a movie where they talk like her.

A fella from Boston talked like her.

Kinda fresh of her asking how old I am.

Could be one of those survey people doing a job on rural America. >

She ain't getting cooperation from me. I'm tired of talking like a hick when one of them comes to town.

Probably one of Doc's girlfriends. He's got them all over the country.

I ain't complaining about the waste of time, I haven't got much to do, but three years is three years.

Maybe we put too much importance on one fish.

-WE put?

-YOU put.

All right, you want to quit, Digger?

I'm with you, Doc. But, I was thinking, if we switch to worms...

-Worms?!

-Yeah, worms.

Digger...you know what I plan to do with Old Hercules when I catch him?

Stuff him?

-You think I could live with him year after year and not look him in the eye?

-Worms aren't cheating.

-Know a trout-man who uses them?

-If they got hungry.

-I'm not hungry.

When we catch him we'll have nothing to look forward to.

-Yeah, until we do...

-Look, Doc.

You got him, Doc. Take it easy.

Atta boy.

Play him, Doc.

SIREN

Barbara Jordan's baby's due, ain't it? You got it!

CONTINUOUS SIREN

That girl looked as healthy as a horse, can't tell a lot about women these days!

He's slowing up.

80 seconds slower than when Ed broke his leg.

Waaah!

-What's the matter?

-I don't know. Do you want to see Dr Sellers too?

-Why did you push this?

-You're out of breath.

-SIREN STOPS

-What did you want?

I wanted to see Dr Sellers.

-The button says emergency, what's the emergency?

-None at all.

I just wanted a visit with Dr Sellers.

-Unless you're about to give birth, don't push that button.

-Who do you think you are, the Lord Mayor?

-I'm Dr Sellers.

-If you'll tell me where I can...

-Dr Sellers?

-Yes.

-Dr Robert Sellers?

-Yes, Ma'am.

I expected a much older man.

Why did you expect a much older man?

Sellers sounds like an old man.

Besides, your house is old.

-Could you have had a father?

-As a matter of fact, I did(!) I did.

-Was his name Dr Robert Sellers too?

-It was.

-Well, that explains everything.

-It certainly does.

-May we go inside?

-Of course.

Doc? What's the matter with her?

Oh!

-Sit down, Miss, er, Mrs...

-Miss.

-Miss, er...?

-Miss Johnson.

Miss Johnson, excuse me.

-You ever been examined before, by a physician?

-I didn't come here to be examined.

Oh. Well, there's still some things I'd like to know about you.

Now, how old are you, Miss, er, Johnson?

-Guess.

-18?

21.

I was hoping you'd be 21. Come over and sit down.

-I must say, I like this town.

-I'm glad you do.

-What's the trouble?

-At the general store they said this was where Dr Sellers lived, so I came to see you.

-You were just driving through?

-That's right.

-On your way to...?

-California.

Aren't you off the beaten track?

I never travel the main highway. I prefer country roads.

I see.

Well, let's get back to why you came to see me.

Well, I wanted some advice, but I expected a much older man.

-A younger man wouldn't give the same advice?

-That's right.

-Could be.

Now that we're acquainted...

What would you do if someone came into your office

and handed you some money?

-How much money?

-5,000.

-What for?

-Just handed it to you out of the blue sky.

First, I'd give whoever it was a sedative,

and there's a place here that's very large and homey. Only thing is you can't get out.

I see.

You weren't thinking of handing me 5,000, were you?

-Don't be silly. Do you think I'm mad?

-Of course not.

Thank you, Doctor. I have to go.

-California?

-No, I'm staying here for a few days. Didn't I tell you?

-No.

Yes, I must say, I like this town.

Is there a hotel that I could...?

There's a boarding house. That's the only place to stay in town.

-What will you do to kill time?

-Get to know the people, as I told you.

-I must say...

-Sure do like this town.

BELL RINGS

-Hello, Doc.

-Hello, Sally.

-Aren't you going to ask me in?

-Sure, come on in, Sally.

-I brought more coleslaw.

-Thanks.

-Who was that?

-Her name's Johnson.

-What's wrong with her?

-I don't know.

-Did you examine her?

-No.

-You didn't?

-Um-umm.

-She's very pretty, isn't she?

-Yeah.

CAR HORN BEEPS

Excuse me.

-You like to press buttons and blow horns.

-I wanted a bell boy.

-There's no bell boy. This is a boarding house.

-Oh.

-I'll help.

Be careful of that one. That's got the money in it.

Yeah, it feels like money(!)

There's some more in the back.

Hey, Digger, give me a hand, will you?

Hey, Doc. Need any help?

-Wouldn't want you to strain yourself(!)

-Why didn't you ask me?

-What's your first name?

-Corby. C-O-R-B-Y.

-How do you spell Johnson?

-J-O-H-N-S-O-N.

Miss McMurty, this is Miss Johnson. She wants to stay for a while. She likes this town.

How do you do? I'll take those. I'll show you your room.

Come with me.

-Thank you very much.

-What's that?

-Thank you for your help.

-Any time.

-I'll see you.

-Tonight.

-Tonight?

-I'll be seeing you.

Six o'clock.

Six o'clock.

HE WHISTLES

Hey, Digger.

-That new patient of Doc's, what's the matter with her?

-Loose marbles.

-What?

I can't tell you more, it ain't ethical to reveal the diagnosis of a patient's illness.

Huh?

This is a concoction of Harley's. Only he knows the ingredients.

-Oh, now, Doc.

-To Harley.

The next one's on the house.

Works every time!

-By the way, Doctor...

-Doc.

Doc. Were you engaged in some sort of clinical...?

What were you doing when I pressed the button?

-Fishing.

-I thought it was important.

Corby, I had the biggest fish in Arkansas on that line.

-That's different.

-It is.

-To the biggest fish in Arkansas.

-Old Hercules.

-Hercules?

-That's what I call this particular fish. To Old Hercules.

To him.

Complements of Harley's Tavern.

Well, here's to Harley's Tavern.

You're English, aren't you?

-I'm just like you.

-But your speech is so perfect.

I was educated in England.

My father died.

He was a good man. Raised me from when I was a little girl to when I was ten.

My mother died when I was a baby.

So, I was sent to my aunt in England, where I went to school,

except when I went to Switzerland.

-What did you do in Switzerland?

-I went to school.

Oh.

-What was your aunt's name?

-Aunt Gertrude.

-Her last name.

-Same as my father's.

-She was my father's sister.

-And your father's name?

My father's name was...

Hey!

My father's name was Johnson. Just like me.

-Er, Harley.

-Yeah, Doc?

-Fix us up a couple more.

-Right.

-You're not trying to pump me, are you, Doc?

-No...

That's what I thought.

Do I look kind of blurry to you?

Yeah.

Well, don't let it worry you.

You look kind of blurry to me.

I can feel it now, a bit.

When did you arrive in this country?

-Five weeks ago.

-To see the country?

Just came back to see the country.

SHE HICCUPS

Now, I'll...

-ask you some questions.

-OK.

What makes you so nosey?

-Dick Jordan called. He wants you to come over right away.

-OK.

-Anything serious?

-A new baby is expected.

Here's to the new baby.

Come on, let's go.

You better drop me at the boarding house.

Takes a long time to have a baby.

No, you'd better come with me.

BABY CRIES

Oh, hooray.

-All over?

-You have met the enemy and he is yours!

-What is it?

-It's no longer an "it", it's a "she".

-Where's Dick?

-In the kitchen oiling up his daughter.

They seem to be getting along pretty well.

-He'll probably use his gun on her.

-Don't talk, just rest.

I'll try to answer your questions.

The baby's perfect in every respect.

Looks just like Dick and I doubt you had anything to do with it.

Weighs six pounds two ounces,

screams like a banshee and has a glint in her blue eyes that promises trouble for the boys round here.

Can I see her?

Strange request. I'll see what I can do(!)

BABY CRIES

Dick!

Hey, Dick.

Dick, you're on.

Put her down. She won't break.

Hi.

-Was it too rough?

-I could have done it with my eyes closed.

Do you like her?

-I think she'll do.

-Me too.

Try her for a week, if she doesn't satisfy you, trade her in for a boy.

Now she's oiled, what do we do next?

The general idea is to feed her when she's hungry, then she grows.

I'll drop round some books on child psychology to confuse you.

Kiss your wife and let her rest.

She's done more work today than you'll do in your life.

-Thanks.

-You're welcome.

-She hasn't moved an inch.

-Better make her some coffee.

I don't intend to let anything past my throat again.

I know the feeling, I had my bachelor dinner at Harley's.

I'm sorry, very ashamed - what must your wife think?

Women aren't much help at a time like this.

You'd better have some food. I ordered some steaks at Harley's.

-Was it a boy or a girl?

-A girl.

-Oh, the poor thing.

-Maybe a drink might help.

You'll feel better after you've eaten.

-How much do I owe you?

-75 bucks.

Oh, a couple of pigs. I'm up to my attic in chickens.

Good night.

HOOVER WHIRS LOUDLY

HOOVERING STOPS

-Morning, honey.

-Good morning.

-Breakfast?

-Just coffee. Black.

-Can I have it outside?

-Sure. Get some fresh air.

I'll bring it out.

-Seen the morning paper?

-No, thanks.

Tax is going up.

Whole country's going to pieces.

Ever since I've been able to read a paper, seems the country is going to pieces. But it's still here.

-You was out with Doc last night?

-Out is right.

-Harley told me when he delivered my stuff.

-What stuff?

Harley makes a delivery to me every morning.

You see, I've got a drinking problem.

You've got more than a problem if you drink that stuff of Harley's.

It's pretty bad to an outlander like you, but to me it's just right.

-Just right?

-If it's any better you couldn't afford it, any worse you couldn't drink it, so just right.

You mind?

Go ahead.

Yep!

It's a terrible affliction.

An article the other day said what I had was a "compulsion."

-Oh?

-Yeah, it said the cause of my drinking was "obscure".

-I don't know anything about your problem, Mr...

-Chalmers, Odie Chalmers.

-My name's Corby Johnson.

-How do.

As I said, I don't know about your problem,

but it seems to me that in the interest of survival you'd change to something else.

How's that?

What I mean is, while you're looking for the cause, you should try to live through the effect.

That's an interesting approach.

Having done some research on Harley's moonshine, I can tell you, I'd rather chance sunstroke.

I'll take that into consideration. I've got to get to the general store.

-Do you work there?

-Oh, no, I just sit there.

Doc's making me money - he sends a boarder and kills her appetite.

-Odie wasn't bothering you?

-No, he was telling me about himself.

I'm surprised he left(!)

Drink that, it'll fix you up.

You're foolish getting up. I could have brought you breakfast in bed.

I have some things to do.

-Tell me...has Odie Chalmers lived in Progress very long?

-All his life.

And how long have you lived here?

All my life. Why are you so interested in who lives here

and for how long?

No reason. I just like the place.

Hi, Sally.

Hi.

Sally Watson. She's taking the Doc a jar of her home-made coleslaw.

-She took a jar of something yesterday.

-Coleslaw.

-You mean...

-Every day.

-He must have a cellar-full.

-Why?

She's tried everything else and coleslaw is her last resort.

-Better?

-Thanks for the coffee.

-When can I expect you back?

-For dinner.

Here, dinner is supper and lunch is dinner, so there ain't any lunch.

Good, I've been eating too much anyway.

Afternoon.

-Hello, Odie. How you been?

-I can't kick due to rheumatism.

Bring that crate of chickens, I've got shopping to do.

You ain't spending in one place?

If you think he's squandering it at Harley's place, you got another thing coming.

I don't go to Harley's, he comes to me.

-Afternoon.

-Hello, Ed.

-What can I do for you?

-Where's that shopping list? Here.

-One pair of overalls.

-Medium.

-NORA:

-How much for ginger?

-< It's going up.

-NORA:

-Chickens are up too. Hi, Doc.

Hello, Nora.

Did the Jordans order anything?

Diapers. Amos, help Doc and Digger get them diapers.

Digger and I can manage.

-NORA:

-One pair of work shoes. Large. A sack of flour.

I don't want to monkey with them.

It hasn't been long since you wore them. Grab a hold.

-Hi, Ed.

-Hello, Doc.

-How's it going?

-Same old miserable way -

work, work, work and never getting a nickel ahead.

And besides that, my back is killing me now.

-How's your leg?

-My leg's all right now. It's my back that's bad.

Here. These ought to help you.

Thanks, Doctor. Looks like the same kind you gave me for the leg.

-No, those are back pills.

-Back.

-I'll see you later, Ed.

-I sure hope you do, Doc.

-I wonder what that store's got that Ed ain't got.

-Well, what do you know!

Come on, Digger, let's go.

MUSIC: "Rock-a-bye Baby"

You know I've only got one baby.

-Where do I put this?

-Over there.

Any idea who sent this stuff?

No, sir. We just follow the stork.

Where's this baby going, overseas?

-Want to see something funny?

-Something else?

-Come here.

I bought all this from Ed Meeker last month.

Then 20 minutes ago this landslide started.

-Did you call the department store?

-Twice.

The manager said, "No mistake, it's a gift. The person who sent it doesn't want to be named."

The whole thing is weird.

-How's Barb?

-OK, I guess.

Oh, she's fine, so is the baby.

Good.

Hey, Doc, don't tell her about this stuff.

She'd worry if she knew the place was cluttered like this.

It's just misplaced generosity.

-But what do I do?

-Have another baby, I guess.

You won't have to wash 'em, just burn 'em.

PHONE RINGS

Where's the phone? Over there?

That's just the box. The phone's on the cord.

Hello.

Oh, yes, Miss McMurty. ..Yes.

Yes, I'll tell him.

Doc...

BABY CRIES

Miss McMurty's on the phone, Odie's bad sick.

Tell her I'll be right there.

Sure.

-See you tomorrow, Barb.

-All right, thank you, Doctor.

He's in his room.

-What's the matter with him?

-He seems to be out of his head.

He didn't recognise me, just stared.

-Didn't he talk?

-Not a word.

He MUST be sick. Something's happened to this town.

Does that package have anything to do with it?

-What package?

-He got a package this afternoon.

I saw the delivery truck. It wasn't local, must be from Little Rock.

-What kind of package?

-The size of a lot of peaches. Was all he could do to carry it up the stairs.

Never saw him until I heard him fall.

CAR HORN BEEPS

Miss Johnson. Hey, Miss McMurty.

-What's the matter?

-That's fishing equipment she's got.

Maybe she's blowing her horn for help. Give her a hand.

-Scotch.

-Scotch.

I saw a strange delivery, but I didn't know what it was.

-Why would Odie buy expensive scotch?

-I don't believe he bought it.

-How is he?

-He'll be all right.

Here. Take this and lock it up.

Don't let Odie anywhere near it.

And you'll do me a favour if you mention this to nobody.

It never happened.

Little Rock.

-Hi, Corby.

-Hello, Doc.

-You must've had a big day.

-A wonderful day, I've been shopping.

-That Little Rock's quite a shopping centre.

-Oh, I went to Pine Bluff.

Pine Bluff? You have to go through Little Rock to get there.

Really? I never noticed.

Corby, Little Rock is a lot bigger than Pine Bluff.

I'm surprised you overlooked it.

I think lots when I'm driving, and I don't notice towns.

-Little Rock's a city.

-What's the difference?

-Did you have a nice day, Doc?

-Pretty bad.

-What happened?

-Some idiot's running around town playing Santa Claus.

-Some who?

-Idiot. You a fly fisherman, Corby?

What's wrong with being kind to people, playing Santa Claus?

Nothing usually. In this case, the whole scheme backfired, causing no end of trouble.

-What kind of trouble?

-It's Odie, Corby.

Odie's sick in bed. Alcoholic poisoning.

Alcoholic poisoning?

I shouldn't have mentioned it. Now you're all upset.

-I shouldn't bother you with our problems.

-You should.

I'm interested in your problem.

You're on vacation. Why waste time on an empty-headed idiot?

-How about a movie tonight?

-No, thank you.

I can't. I'm fishing with Digger in the morning,

and must get to bed early.

Some other time. See you later, Corby.

Empty-headed idiot, am I?

SALLY: Hello, Doc.

Hi, Sally. Go on inside.

Empty-headed idiot.

DOOR BANGS

-That was Doc, wasn't it?

-I guess so, he came out of Doc's house.

-Wasn't there a girl with him?

-Yeah.

It was Sally, wasn't it?

-What day is it?

-Friday.

It was Doc and Sally then. Friday's their movie night.

Oh.

He asked me first. You heard him.

I know.

I suppose he and Sally go around together.

-Who and Sally?

-Doc and Sally.

No more than Doc and Myrtle or Doc and Peggy.

-I'm surprised he isn't married.

-Most of the girls here are too.

Digger,

he may be a good friend of yours, but you must admit

he is terribly conceited.

I wouldn't say conceited. I think it's more... Well, Doc's confident.

-Aren't there other bachelors?

-Joe Wheelan.

-What sort of a man is he?

-Ugly.

-You don't have to be good-looking.

-He's 60.

It's not a healthy situation, whichever way you look at it.

Well, Doc does his best.

-What do you mean?

-He sure spreads himself around as much as he can.

It's been the hardest day since ants got in my pantry.

-How's Mr Chalmers?

-Who?

Oh, Odie? Better, I think.

I brought him chicken broth and he took it.

I can't figure who'd do a thing like that to Odie.

He may be a drunk, but he's one of the nicest people.

Digger! What are you doing up at this time of night?

My mother knows. I said I was staying with you.

-Why aren't you in bed?

-I was waiting for you.

Look at this. Her real name.

While you've been to the movies, I've been detectiving.

Corby Lane. Lane Oil Corporation...

-Where did you get this?

-I copied it from the registration in her car.

It was in the glove compartment. And that's not all.

She didn't go to the movies because of an engagement.

I kept an eye on her, like you said, and a fella turned up.

Oh, no, he was an old man. She called him Bentley.

They talked privately and went for a walk.

Take it easy, Digger. Lane.

-Corby Lane.

-Ring a bell?

Maybe.

I knew there was something fishy.

-How am I doing?

-Know the penalty for rifling cars?

-You said, "Keep an eye on her."

-A friendly eye. A friendly eye.

-Forget it. You may have solved the case single-handed.

-What's this?

My father's files. If we're on the right track, the answer's here.

Lane.

E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L!

Here it is, Corby Lane.

Aged two years and two months.

Father...

I remember the whole thing now.

I was ten years old.

Father was an oil man, down on his luck. Kid was on the verge of death.

Dad wasn't equipped to handle the operation so he took her to a clinic in St Louis.

Her father didn't have money to get to St Louis or pay the expenses,

so my father took up a collection, everybody in town.

He and Dr Upton performed the operation. Kid was good as new.

Shucks! The least she could have been was a bank robber.

-She's a nice girl.

-I was hoping for something else, like murder.

-Get me a carton of eggs.

-Eggs?

Eggs!

-What you going to do with them?

-A little bartering.

-Like what?

-Go to bed, Digger.

Go to bed.

And, Dig, how's the chances of just keeping this between us?

-Night, Doc.

-Good night.

-She's stuck on you.

-Nah.

Yeah. I hope she don't fish as crazy as she does everything else.

That accent fooled me.

STONES HIT THE WINDOW

WHISTLING

-Hi.

-It's you! How was the movie?

-You should've seen it.

-Sorry, I couldn't go. Now I can't sleep.

Maybe you're hungry. How about a nice, tall ice-cream soda?

-At this time of night?

-Yeah.

Where? Harley's?

-No, this is on the level.

-Wait, I'll get dressed.

BELL RINGS

-He doesn't lock it?

-No.

Somebody might need something in the night - pabulum for the kids, ice-cream sodas.

Hardly anybody locks the doors here.

Sit down.

-I must say, I like this town.

-I've heard somebody say that before.

-What will you have?

-A strawberry soda.

-Coming up.

-What are you going to have?

-Some ice cream with some chocolate.

I thought you'd have some coleslaw on it.

You are a very adept dispenser.

That's English for soda jerk. I'm the best in town. Strawberry?

-I suppose you're the best doctor in town, too.

-I'm the only one.

But you're a pretty good doctor.

Pretty good? I'm perfect.

Graduated from university with honours, young lady.

-What are you doing in a little town?

-Thought you liked this town.

I do. Surely a man like you would... Well...

-You mean, why don't I go to a city and become an important man?

-You could be.

-Maybe.

Your father died and you took his place.

-I'm in a rut?

-I didn't say so.

-It's not a bad rut.

-And you like to fish.

What's wrong with living in a small town?

If nobody wanted to live in small towns, there wouldn't be any.

-Wouldn't take you long to find out how that would affect our way of life.

-Don't get angry.

I'm not angry, just trying to explain to a big city girl what's good about a small town.

May take time to understand, but you'll catch on, eventually.

There you are, Miss Lane. Drink up.

Looks delicious.

How's that?

How long have you known that I'm Corby Lane?

I put the pieces together tonight.

-How much more do you know about me?

-Not much.

I suspect lots. You sent the Scotch to Odie?

Yes.

-You sent that stuff to the Jordans, didn't you?

-Mmm-hmm.

-Why?

-When I was a girl...

-I know. I saw your case history.

The people of the town saved my life.

I owe a debt and will repay them.

Well, my part in saving your life was small,

but if you feel you must repay me...

You taste just like chocolate.

What will Sally Watson say when she finds out? No more coleslaw.

That's a low blow.

Tell me something. If Mr Chalmers doesn't get sick after drinking that concoction of Harleys,

why should he get sick on good Scotch?

Well, for the past two years Harley's been working with me.

We've been steadily cutting Odie's quart with water

so now he gets a half pint of the real stuff a day.

If Odie wants to stagger around on a half pint that's his business.

-But a full quart of Scotch might have killed him.

-Oh, dear.

-How about that stuff you sent to the Jordans?

-Didn't they like it?

Honey, they had a fully-equipped nursery.

I thought they couldn't afford it. He offered two pigs for your bill.

That's the way the town's run. Everybody barters.

In 1940, a doctor charged 5 for a house call,

that 5 bought a 12-pound ham.

I charge 10, that buys a 12-pound ham. Why work it out in money?

A house call is worth a 12-pound ham.

Babies are another story. See my back yard - pigs, sheep, chickens, ducks, everything.

You won't tell the Jordans? There's no harm done.

No. Not till Barb gets out of bed and has to straighten it all out.

-She might end up in bed again.

-I hope not.

-They're not poor?

-They have one of the finest farms in the county.

All right, I made a mistake.

Two mistakes. Isn't that enough?

Everyone makes mistakes. I have a debt to pay.

Corby, would you really like to do something useful?

-What?

-Get married and have some children.

Get married and have children. Like you say, "Take a pill after food."

Sure. Anyone you'd care to marry?

-As you're prescribing, why don't you tell me.

-How about me?

-Do you always prescribe yourself?

-I do all right.

-Indeed!

-Take you for instance.

This is our second time out and I've kissed you and proposed to you.

-You ill-mannered...

-Wouldn't kiss you the first time, you were drunk.

-Those eggs were to pay for the sodas.

-I'll pay for my own soda!

-What's the matter?

-I haven't any money.

Pay for mine with this!

DOOR SLAMS

-VICAR:

-Good morning.

-<

-So glad you could come this morning.

-Good morning, Miss McMurty.

-Morning, Reverend.

Reverend, this is Corby Johnson.

-Glad to know you.

-Thank you.

It's nice to see a new face here.

There are backsliders but I keep after them. If I had a new steeple...

-Morning.

-You're early.

< Turned over a new leaf one by one.

As I was saying, if I had a new steeple bell,

a loud one, I'd make Sunday morning in bed miserable.

-Nice of you to bring Miss Johnson.

-DIGGER:

-Thank you.

SALLY: Good morning.

-Miss Johnson meet Miss Watson.

-Hello.

-Anything wrong, Miss Johnson?

-No, nothing's wrong.

-Hello, Doc.

-Hi, Sally.

-Do you know Dr Sellers?

-Slightly.

-I thought you did.

-Come on, Corby.

-That's an attractive coat.

-Yes, isn't it?

With the free trade rules round here,

you can get almost anything...for anything.

Sally.

-Come on, Corby.

->

You go ahead. May I, Miss Johnson?

-Are you sure you're all right?

-Oh, yes.

-You seem a little dazed.

-I am at first, you'll get used to me.

-What's your sermon about?

-I'm talking about Joseph's coat of many colours.

-Morning, Odie.

-Morning, Elmer.

-Sure is Monday, ain't it?

-Sure is, Odie.

-Morning, Doc.

-Morning, Odie.

Sure is Monday, ain't it?

Sure is. Get any sleep last night?

Yes, but I dreamed all night I was awake.

-How do you feel now?

-Only got two ways of feelin' - either I feel bad or awful bad.

You're a pretty sick man, Odie.

I'm sure going to lay off that crummy imported stuff.

Doc, there's a whole case of that stuff.

I remember opening it but I can't remember where I put it.

It's psychological, like you said.

-I didn't say that. You read it.

-I read some article by some doctor.

You're going to have to think about quitting completely.

I already made me a promise about that.

-What promise?

-A secret.

-I see.

Don't be short with me, Doc.

Hey, Doc. Seen Joe Wheelan this morning?

-No, why?

-Looks like we've got a problem. About 10pm last night Joe was at Ed's to tell him "Goodbye."

Goodbye? Where's he going?

-California, for good.

-For good?!

-This afternoon in his new car.

What new car?

That's what started this all, the new car.

Last night, a dealer drove in with a new convertible for Joe, said it was a present, didn't say who from.

-There's a lot of presents here, lately.

-There sure are.

Ed, Odie told me about Joe. Couldn't you talk him out of it?

I tried. We all tried.

He's determined to take that car there and sell it. Joe's been itching to go to California.

He can't run off. He's the only vet for 100 miles.

That's why we're sad. Tim Markle's hog has colic.

He's about ready to shoot Joe.

-Where's Joe?

-It won't do much good.

-Where is he?

-He's packing his car and arguing with Tim Markle.

-Odie, can you locate Judge Hobart?

-What time is it?

Five and nine.

He's still in bed.

Get him up and tell him to draw up an attachment on Joe's car.

-Who's complaining?

-Me, he's owed me 110 for five years.

-How long will it stick?

-Until sense is banged into his head.

Ed, get the Sheriff to my house. Odie, tell the Judge we'll meet in my office.

Looks like that car ain't no better than the whiskey.

According to the Constitution, a man has certain rights.

We don't mean nothing personal, Joe.

I'll make something personal! Go home and check your bank books, cos I'm going to sue.

You resisted an officer.

-Yeah.

-Don't give me legal talk.

You're in office due to politics.

-Let's look at this sensibly.

-You do that, I'm going to California.

-You growed up here.

-That's enough for any man.

What about Tim Markle's hog and the Judge's mare?

That old mare is going to be sick all its life,

living close to contamination!

Take it easy. I'm not sure that car wasn't stolen.

Try something like that. Just try something!

-Ed.

-I know who gave it to me.

ALL: Who?

An old lady drove through here with a sick poodle.

What's hard to believe about that?

You read in the papers, somebody's nice to an old lady

then she dies and leaves her place to them.

Yeah. She's the one all right.

Wonder what I done for her?

Joe, you've got a perfect right to go to California if you want.

I do, thank you, Doc(!)

Just wait till we get another vet.

-No!

-Two weeks, Joe.

-I won't stay another minute. I wouldn't touch that mare with a disinfected pole.

Just an animal lover, aren't you?!

Any animal must be neurotic to live with you.

You...

I ain't heard name-calling for ages.

-I ain't even started yet!

-I got a real sick horse, Doc.

All right. Bring it over to mine, I'll look at it.

-He can pay you in people.

-You may as well untie him, Sheriff.

I'm withdrawing the attachment. Enjoy California.

This is the same kind of fly Doc uses.

-It's dead, isn't it?

-Oh, sure.

Does Dr Sellers ever take that Sally fishing?

Nah, she wouldn't go anywhere she couldn't dress up.

Her mind's on marrying.

-Did you see the coat she wore yesterday?

-I never notice clothes.

-It was my coat.

-How she get it?

I'd like to know. I gave your doctor the coat to pay for a soda.

That's funny bartering.

I didn't exactly give it to him. I threw it at him.

I want to know what your doctor...

Wait. He ain't my doctor. I've never had a sick day.

Here, I'll show you how to cast.

-It looks like she got the coat from him.

-It does.

Reel in.

-Boy, this is a keen rod!

-I'm glad you like it.

Bring it back like this and let it go like this.

Good morning, Miss Santa Claus.

You fish like you do everything else.

Probably end up with that hook in Digger's breeches.

I'd prefer they're not Digger's!

Your latest good deed was a real humdinger.

You've turned me into a horse doctor.

I have no doubt that you're a horse doctor, but how can you blame me?

Joe Wheelan. You gave him a new car.

-So?

-He's leaving. He's our only vet.

Maybe you can tell me how Sally Watson got my coat?

-Only vet and you get rid of him.

-You gave it to her.

I've got to doctor hogs, cows, every living thing cos of you!

-You gave it to her, that's stealing.

-That's stupid! Who cares?

-If I was a man I'd punch your nose!

-I'd show you who'd punch who.

You beast!

Hey, Doc!

-Tim Markle's hog!

-Tim Markle's hog.

Yeah, had a relapse.

Put me down! Put me down!

Oh!

HE SNEEZES

I'll get even, you pig doctor.

You folks play the funniest games.

-Want to go home?

-No, I want to fish.

Your rod's over there.

We may as well go home, you've scared the fish.

You've got him! Reel him in.

-How?

-Turn the reel.

Reel again!

That's wrong. That's wrong. That's right.

That's it.

Come on.

-You take it.

-It's your catch. Claim!

-Claim what?

-Turn your reel. Turn again.

-What do I do when I get him?

-Get him first.

I'll take him off the hook for you.

-Gosh!

-I got him, didn't I?

-Yeah.

He's pretty big, huh?

Gosh, this is Old Hercules. Poor Doc.

You mean that's Old Hercules?

All those spats ain't nothing compared to how he'll act when he finds out you caught his fish.

It's awfully smelly.

-You're stuck on Doc.

-Don't be ridiculous.

You put the fish back when you're mad at him.

-That proves you're stuck on him.

-I'm not!

I just wouldn't even have a fish that had anything to do with him.

-How you feelin'?

-Could hardly make it out here today.

-How come you're so late?

-Everybody got a letter today.

Whole lot of them from Little Rock.

Don't make sense.

-You've been waiting for a letter for three years.

-I get lots of mail.

Yeah, circulars and catalogues.

Those letters are alike - no return address.

-Ain't you gonna open it?

-When I'm good and ready, I will.

-No need to be uppity. It's probably an ad.

-Time will tell.

-I'd like one of those big bottles of Aspirin.

-Any better cigars?

-I'll buy a straw hat.

-How much is this?

-One at a time. ODIE:

-Where's Harry?

He quit.

-Doc. Got yours yet?

-What?

-You haven't heard?

-What?

-You better sit down.

-And speak to us respectful.

We are men of means. Look.

-Bet you never seen anything like that before.

-I never did.

Here's your aspirin. That's 26 cents.

Charge it.

-Where did this money come from?

-From heaven via the mail, Doc.

When I got mine, I thought I'd drunk that whiskey.

-Is there any at my house?

-Sure is! Every house in town!

-See you later.

-Ain't you going to get yours?

-It won't fly away, Odie.

-Where does it come from?

It must be one of them Government spending projects.

What do you think?

Oh, I don't see that it makes any difference. The money's good, isn't it?

-ODIE:

-It's the first thing we checked.

-Why give it to us?

I can't figure it out.

-ODIE:

-Don't worry. Like Doc says, maybe it's a reward for clean living.

I guess I'll go and get mine.

Nice to know you've got wealthy friends, ain't it?

-Yeah.

-It will make a difference to this community, huh?

Yes.

-What will you do with yours?

-I saw a bomb shelter for sale. I'll buy it and hide till this blows over.

See you later, boys.

He sure seems depressed.

Doc's dealt in livestock, it will take a while to get used to money.

-Miss Mac!

-Good morning, Doc.

-Any word of Corby?

-No.

-She didn't mention going to Fort Knox?

-She went to Little Rock.

-I figured that.

-She'll be back. She's gone on account of business.

-(What a business.)

-What did you say?

-Nothing.

I don't think she meant to tell me where she was going. It slipped out.

She, er, stammered and...

stuttered and...and she said...

The populous of Progress, Arkansas, a town of about 200 people,

are singing Rudi The Red-Nosed Reindeer,

cos, today, every resident had a letter from Little Rock, in which there was a great deal of currency.

'No message, no return address, just the money. Now...'

Lucky we're passing through this state. We could make it by tomorrow.

-What about California?

-If I've got to go where it rains, I'll go where it rains money.

CAR HORN

How far to Progress, Arkansas?

-Five gallons.

-Give me five gallons.

-Seen the papers?

-Which way is it?

-Highway 33.

'We're in front of Ed Meeker's store in Progress, a small village north-west of Little Rock.

'The citizens received letters with money. We're talking to recipients.

'What's your name? Odie Chalmers.

'What did you do to get this money? Tore open the envelope and there it was.

'Thank you. Now, we're going to talk to others...'

-Hey, Sally.

-Hi.

-Hi, Sally. Come in.

-No, thanks, I haven't time.

-What's your hurry?

-I'm leaving town.

-Yeah?

-I'm doing a business course now I can afford it.

-A business course?

-A girl has to look after her future.

Good luck.

-If you don't want me to go, I won't.

-A girl's got to think of her future.

-You'll think of me?

-Every Friday, at the movies.

-Bye, Sally.

-Good bye.

Digger, when my hand gets steady, I'll write to you.

Doc!

-You're leaving town too?

-Wait a minute, Doc. I'm a loyal citizen.

-What's the suitcase for?

-I'm in a predicament.

-Remember I got that foreign whiskey?

-Yeah.

I promised myself, if I got well and had the money, I'd go to Kansas City and take the cure.

I thought it was a safe promise.

That's a real predicament, Odie.

-A man can't break a promise to himself, he'd have no faith in himself.

-That's right.

The only thing that can save me would be for you to advise me that these cures are medically harmful.

I never heard of anyone dying from NOT drinking.

Maybe there's discoveries you ain't heard of.

-No. What time's your bus?

-Any minute.

-I'll drive you.

-I'll walk, maybe won't get there on time.

-What about the rest of your money?

-I took care of that.

These cures ain't infallible, so I left the rest with Harley, in case.

-I'm glad wealth hasn't changed you.

-So long, Doc.

-So long, Odie.

That suitcase is kinda heavy, isn't it?

Yeah. I've got it full of Harley's stuff to take me through the cure.

Digger. Stand up.

Turn around.

-What are you dressed up for?

-Ma says I'd better get used to them.

-You'll be a well-dressed man now?

-Yeah.

-Let's go fishing.

-I'd scare the fish.

-Change your clothes.

-Ma burned them up.

-I can't go fishing with you anymore.

-Why?

I'm going to school to get educated and study music. I hate it.

Music? Who knows about music here?

Pa wants me to go to the St Louis Conservatory of Music. Ma prefers the Kansas City Conservatory.

I reckon I'll wind up in Kansas City.

I'm sorry for the day I picked out that piano.

All because of a scatter-brain who wants to do good.

-She's stuck on you, Doc.

-Oh, no.

-You know Old Hercules?

-What about him?

-She caught him.

-She caught him!

-Probably used a worm?

-Fly.

After all these years I've been trying to land that two-timing fish and a giddy idiot catches it.

-She threw him back.

-She what?

Threw him back. That's why I said she's stuck on ya.

Hello, Digger.

-S'pose she heard you?

-No.

-Why's it locked?

-Miss McMurty's out of business and gone to Little Rock.

I wanted to get some things. I'm leaving. I'm going back to New York.

Miss McMurty's left everybody's things down at the general store.

Thank you, Digger.

-Why didn't you say something to her?

-What?

Maybe you're right, maybe you shouldn't.

SHOUTING

-Who is it?

-Corby Johnson. May I see you, Mr Meeker?

What's all the trouble out front?

Crazy people, half of them complete strangers.

They want to register, figured on getting money in the mail.

Half who've got money are leaving forwarding addresses.

Half want to buy on credit and spend money in Little Rock.

-That's three halves. It doesn't make sense.

-Nothing makes sense. The whole town's gone crazy.

So I just locked up.

-You think it's because of the money in the mail?

-I don't think, I know.

-The idiot who sent it should be put in a straitjacket.

-Straitjacket!

Hey, did you see that sign?

I don't believe in signs.

You're breaking the law.

-Are you the law?

-No, I'm not but...

BOTTLES BREAK

ALL: Oh!

That settles it. I'm going to get the Sheriff and have you put in jail.

Don't you dare go away.

Sheriff, a joker parked his car in a bus space, when I told him, he kicked my suitcase and it's leaking.

There he is.

Ain't you gonna arrest him? It ain't hospitable.

If I was Sheriff, I'd arrest him.

Judge, swear him in. Hold up your right hand.

Do you swear to act as Sheriff?

I do. You are.

Oh, no.

LOUD LAUGHTER

Just a moment.

SHE WHISPERS

GUNSHOT ODIE: Your attention.

Ladies and gentlemen, I owe you an apology.

First, I'd like to say that I came to this town a few weeks ago

with the purpose of helping people who once helped me.

Instead I have caused a great deal of trouble.

I felt I owed a debt to the people here.

-Why isn't important.

-Get to the point.

-What's this all about?

-Is this a trick?

Let her talk.

I'll get to the point.

You may as well go home, there isn't going to be more money.

THEY ALL SHOUT / GROAN

I know because I'm the one who sent it.

CROWD GASPS

My only excuse is that I was trying to do good.

-Hey, lady, you're not giving more money?

-I certainly am not.

-I drove 200 miles.

-You can drive 200 miles back.

LAUGHTER

Again, I'd like to say I'm sorry...

That does it.

As Sheriff, I arrest you on three counts -

you parked in a bus space, assault and battery, and on general count.

You coward!

What did you want to do that for?

-Don't you hicks come any closer.

->

-The lady's been giving away money.

Stay where you are. Let me have that gun.

Don't come any closer.

Put this away, Judge.

Odie, are you all right?

I'm all right, Doc.

-Are you sure?

-Yeah.

-I'm sorry for having to do that to you, Mister.

I don't blame you for coming here. I don't blame any of you.

We all like the idea of easy money,

but there isn't any. I've been alone in arguing against it.

We're with you now, Doc.

I'll tell you how it's going to end.

There isn't enough water for you all. Sanitary conditions are worse.

Sickness and epidemic will start.

I'm a doctor, I know what I'm talking about.

We've always been a happy, friendly, little town.

There aren't many of us so we like visitors.

This stupid gold rush when there's no gold can only end up in disappointment and tragedy.

My advice is to clear out. Go back home.

Or where there's adequate facilities.

If you want to stay then you'll have to plan and work

-and help straighten the tangle we're in.

-We could use a good horse.

Give the Sheriff his badge and do something useful. That's about all I have to tell you folks,

except thank you for listening,

and to say how sorry I am that this whole...idiotic affair had to happen. Thank you.

If you want to do something constructive, pass a hat around to collect enough money

for people to buy gasoline for these people to get out of town.

SIREN WAILS

Five seconds off the record.

If he bent over, his hip pockets would dip in sand.

SIREN STOPS

-Oh, it's you.

-Yes, it's me!

-Why are you yelling?

-Cos you were!

I was not yelling.

-I expected you to.

-I've screamed at you long enough.

-You hate me.

-What makes you think that?

You've stopped screaming at me.

Why did you push the button?

An emergency. I wanted to apologise to you and the others for all the trouble I've caused you.

-I've apologised to everyone. You were last on the list.

-It's all right. Forget it.

Believe me, it isn't easy to apologise to you. When I set out to do a thing, I finish it.

Certainly do.

Well, I'll say goodbye.

Wait a minute.

-Where you going? What will you do?

-What difference would that make?

I've got used to having you around.

-You'd better get used to something else.

-Something else won't get it.

If you're asking me to stay, no thank you.

I'm not asking you to stay, I'm asking you to marry me.

You'd have no scruples about marrying a girl with money?

It might cost me a few sleepless nights, but I'll get over it.

I'll think it over.

Doc!

I've...thought it over.

Doc, I don't have to take them piano lessons.