Carry on Again, Doctor


Carry on Again, Doctor

Comedy about a doctor who intends to make a fortune selling the weight-reducing potion he discovered while working at a mission in the South Seas. With Kenneth Williams.


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Transcript


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ANGUISHED SCREAMING

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They've started early!

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SCREAMS CONTINUE

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-Oh, hello! What's the matter?

-Oh.

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-Oh, I'm sorry, I'm not dipped.

-What scared you, Miss Armitage?

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What's all the fuss?

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-Doctor Nookey, what have you been doing to this patient?

-Doing? To her?

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You must be joking! I was just having a shower when she barged in.

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-THAT is the women's washroom!

-W-w-women's washroom?

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It's just been changed while the women's is redecorated. The notice isn't clear.

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That's no excuse! You ought to apologise.

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I'm most terribly sorry.

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-Aargh!

-Miss Armitage!

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-Don't forget my appointment with...

-Ooh!

-Don't you start!

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Ooh! Why put such awkward handles on the doors?

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Oh! I'm t-terribly sorry, sir. There's been an awful mistake.

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It seems a career known for its ups and downs has reached the bottom!

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Oh!

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Pay attention. The head surgeon is doing his rounds.

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Sit up straight, now. Sit up! You must be joking! Ouf!

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As senior house surgeon, I must see that the hospital runs efficiently.

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-But Doctor Nookey is a disrupting influence.

-Oh, don't go on.

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I can't sack every doctor who makes an exhibition of himself.

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-Who was that woman?

-Miss Armitage. She's in for observation.

-Is she?!

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She observed more than she bargained for!

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That's not all. There have been other incidents with nurses.

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But you know all young doctors practise a bit of jiggery pokery.

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-I do not object to jiggery but I do take exception to pokery!

-Huh!

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-Excuse me...

-Ah! This is the kidney case, I suppose?

-Yes - Mr Bean.

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Ah, kidney bean!

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Mr Bean, how are you? Any pain?

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A bit, sir. >

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-Especially when I pass water.

-The best thing is to stop passing it.

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-Whenever you come to some, stop and turn back. Has he been X-rayed?

-Yes.

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-I'd like to see his plates.

-Yes, OK.

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-I mean his X-ray plates!

-Beg your pardon. Matron.

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Nurse.

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Thank you.

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Ah!

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Hmm. Yes.

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-It's a stone.

-No! I thought it was a trouser button.

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-Mr Bean. Do you wear a zip on your trousers?

-Why, yes!

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A stone. It'll have to come out.

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-Excuse me.

-Miss Fosdick, don't keep plucking at me - I'm not a chicken!

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-I'm sorry but you have an appointment at 11.

-It can wait.

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-It's to see Mrs Moore.

-And she... Oh, that's different.

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A wealthy private patient - I took her appendix out.

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I hope you both had a nice time.

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I'll make the jokes, Stoppidge.

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-Fosdick, get the car.

-What about the operation?

-You can handle it.

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-I hear you're a good kidney winkler.

-But I've not done it before.

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-Easy! I'll lend you my penknife.

-Penknife?!

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-It's got a thing for taking out stones.

-But I need your advice!

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Come with me and I'll explain it.

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Mr Bean!

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Bend over, dear. I'll demonstrate.

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Perfectly simple. You make an incision here. Stop squirming!

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Isn't it a bit high up, sir? I don't want to take a lump off his coccyx.

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High up?! Got a skin pencil? Show me the position of a kidney.

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Well, I would say it's just about...there.

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-What's that - a cashew?!

-His kidney.

-That little thing? He's not a hamster!

-OK.

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That's just a bit larger.

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No, no. It's not in the right place. Here, I'll show you.

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There! That's where you'll find it.

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No, sir. I beg to differ.

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-That is where his liver is.

-Nonsense!

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The liver's not there, it's there. And there's the backbone. You see?

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-Would you mind doing that again, sir?

-Yes, sir, please do.

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Thank you, nurse.

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BUZZER

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Mrs Beasley, please. About time, too.

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-Good morning, Mrs Beasley. And what's wrong with you today?

-That's for you to find out, Doctor.

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-Any rate, I brought you this sample you asked me for.

-The correct word is a specimen.

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-Call it what you like. I know what I call it...

-Not in front of Sister.

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And you should give us bottles with wider tops. I had a job getting it in.

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-You ought to have used a funnel.

-I tried one of those.

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It kept running out the other end.

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-Never mind, you've done splendidly.

-It's all right, is it?

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Fresh as a stream - nothing wrong.

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Maybe not there, but it doesn't mean there's nothing wrong with the rest of me.

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Like the bowels. They're driving me mad and nothing seems to shift them.

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-Have you tried a laxative?

-Not bowels, Doctor. BELLS!

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Ringing in me earholes all day.

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Oh, I see. I beg your pardon. Please go on, Mrs Beasley.

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There's like this swelling at night.

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..When the palpitations start, it wakes me up and that wakes HIM up. Then, he's at it again.

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-At it?

-Grousing. SHE IMITATES HIM GRUMBLING

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-Well, have you tried using separate beds?

-He won't have it. Says it's denying him his convivial rights.

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Yes, well. I'll get Sister to give you some sleeping tablets.

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-Now, I really must get on.

-This way.

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Ooh! I never told you about the rheumatism in my right leg.

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-Don't worry, it's just old age.

-My left leg's as old, I don't get it in that!

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OK, you win. Sister, would you give her some tablets for it?

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Yes, Doctor. Come along. Thank you. See you tomorrow!

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-Who's next, Sister?

-Mr Pullen for his hormone injections.

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You can bring Mr Pullen in, nurse.

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Come along, now - you're next.

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Up we get. That's it. Now, hold on tight round my waist.

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Not too tight.

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Stop it! Behave yourself.

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Yes, I know what you'd like to do to me. Isn't he awful? At his age!

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Take Dr Stoppidge back and return for me. Come on, Fosdick.

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-Good morning.

-Morning.

-Mrs Moore is ready for you. Go on in.

-Thank you.

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Dear Mrs Moore. You're looking well today. How are you feeling?

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Wonderful.

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I had no idea having one's appendix out could be so exhilarating. I feel years younger!

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Splendid, splendid!

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-Be honest now - do I look 40?

-You really feel as young as that?

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No, that's what I am!

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Yes, I was just joking. So, you're leaving today?

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-I'm not sorry. This bed's OK but I miss my slap and tickle.

-W-what?

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-Slap and Tickle - my Siamese always sleep on my bed.

-Of course.

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I'm grateful for everything. They told me you were a wonderful surgeon.

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I suppose I am a CUT above the rest.

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You know, I've been thinking. I would like to show my appreciation.

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Now, just because you're a widow, I shouldn't take advantage of you.

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Oh, I don't mind...now and then.

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Well, there is something I would... like to do.

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-Yes.

-For many years now, I've had a dream.

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A dream that would bring hope to millions of suffering people.

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The Frederick Carver Foundation.

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Is that a sort of corset?

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No, no, a private clinic. But, alas, it would be a costly project -

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-Five hundred thou...

-I wasn't thinking of financial appreciation. I don't do that.

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How modest. And the medical mission you set up in the Beatific Islands?

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But my husband died there and I was showing my gratitude.

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-For the way they cared for him!

-Quite.

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Dr Clarke to Reception.

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Hello, Doctor, another bill for ya.

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-Wotcha, Jim.

-Hello, Henry.

-Swotting up on anatomy?

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I could do with surgical equipment like that.

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-Fed up?

-You're joking! I'm getting fed up with this place, Henry.

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To specialise - that's what I want.

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Harley Street with lovely, rich women patients.

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-What specialism?

-The thing I'm good at gets you struck off!

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He's my patient.

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Fancy a game of diagnosis?

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-What, with him? Half a dollar?

-Right.

-Let's see.

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Sallow complexion, droopy eyelids.

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-I'd say pernicious anaemia.

-Sorry. Cirrhosis.

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Damn. How about that one?

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-Double or quits.

-Not one of ours.

-Go on, have a go.

-All right.

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-I'd say a slipped disc.

-Never!

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Must be haemorrhoids, and a very bad case too.

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Let's ask him.

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Sir, we're doing spot diagnoses and I was wondering if you could help.

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I say haemorrhoids and he thinks slipped disc. Could you tell us?

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Let me see. You thought it's a slipped disc.

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Right. I'm afraid you're wrong.

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-And you thought haemorrhoids.

-Right.

-You were wrong.

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-Well, what then?

-I thought I was going to break wind.

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I was wrong!

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Dr Nookey to Casualty, please.

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See you, Henry.

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-What is it, Matron?

-Accident at the advertising film studio.

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Just coming in now.

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-Something the matter?

-I've just seen you on a pin-up calender.

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Oh, I did model, but not for long.

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Those photographers expect too much for their money!

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What an extraordinary coincidence.

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I just thinking I could do with a bit of...

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Yes, well. What happened to you?

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-Here's the accident report, Doctor.

-Thank you.

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Miss Locks. Bruising and possible fracture.

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That's right, I was posing on this enormous packet and I fell.

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Oh, I see...I think.

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We'll need a closer look at you.

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If you would, Matron.

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Cor!

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-What's wrong?

-Nothing. It's all marvellous.

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Where are your clothes, Miss Locks?

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This is all I had on, for an advertisement.

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What were you advertising?

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Bristol's Bouncing Baby Food.

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-I can see the connection.

-I can't see any sign of bruising, Doctor.

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I fell on my bottom. There's nothing in front.

0:14:480:14:52

-I wouldn't say that.

-Ooh, cheeky!

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-I think we'd better turn you over.

-Turn over please. Miss Locks.

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Cor!

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-Can you see them?

-Ooh, yes, not 'alf!

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Um, yes, nasty, very nasty.

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Tell me if this hurts, would you?

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-Ooh, haven't you got hot hands?

-Oh, I wouldn't say that.

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I don't think there's a fracture.

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Do you feel any fever or giddiness?

0:15:240:15:27

Yes, I'm a bit...

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I meant Miss Locks!

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Oh, we'd better check. Turn over again, please.

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That one's fine.

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-Do you want an X-ray?

-Pardon?

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Do you wish an X-ray?!

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Ow! Yes, as soon as possible, please, Matron.

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Thank you. Well, it's the pulse now. May I have your hand, please?

0:15:530:15:57

-Shouldn't it be my wrist?

-Oh, of course.

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We'll get the results soon.

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I hope I'm OK. I've got a screen test tomorrow.

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-What's your first name?

-Goldie.

-Goldie!

0:16:150:16:20

-Oh...Goldie Locks!

-I know, it's shocking. But I got stuck with it.

0:16:200:16:26

-Well, what's your real name then?

-Maud. Maud Boggins.

0:16:260:16:31

Oh, never mind, eh? Goldie's a nice name.

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What's your name?

0:16:340:16:36

Jimmy. Jimmy Nookey.

0:16:360:16:38

Not much better off!

0:16:390:16:41

Goldie, how about going out with me one evening?

0:16:410:16:45

-What for?

-Well, a spot of dinner, dancing and stuff.

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-Dinner and dancing, but nothing else!

-Oh, I know.

0:16:500:16:54

< Long as you know.

0:16:540:16:56

-There we are. No fracture.

-Good.

0:16:560:16:59

-Yippee! No fracture!

-There will be if you keep going.

0:16:590:17:03

-Can I go now?

-There's no hurry. Would you like a look around?

0:17:030:17:07

-All right.

-We'll start with my room.

-I've seen a room.

0:17:070:17:12

Here, I like your telly.

0:17:120:17:14

Do you? I'll show you what's on.

0:17:140:17:17

Let's see.

0:17:170:17:19

Contact.

0:17:200:17:21

And now before your very eyes! Our Genuine Chinese Spare Ribs.

0:17:210:17:27

-The profile. Go on, ask me the time.

-What's the time?

0:17:270:17:31

Four twenty-five.

0:17:330:17:34

-Have a go!

-Yeah.

0:17:360:17:38

Whoops.

0:17:380:17:40

-How do I look?

-Boney, don't know what I see in you.

0:17:400:17:44

Ooh, I wish I could see myself.

0:17:440:17:47

Oh, I might be able to get a print of this.

0:17:470:17:51

Let's see.

0:17:510:17:52

MACHINERY WHIRRS

Now say cheese!

0:17:520:17:56

Oh! Help! Oh!

0:18:000:18:03

Stay...stay where you are. I'll pull the main fuse out!

0:18:030:18:08

Coming!

0:18:530:18:54

BELLS RING

0:18:590:19:03

I don't know how one man created such chaos!

0:19:090:19:13

We didn't recover until today.

0:19:130:19:16

I know, sir. I just can't help myself.

0:19:160:19:19

You're always helping yourself!

0:19:190:19:22

Sir, must we prolong this? I'll just resign.

0:19:220:19:25

There's no need for that! Everyone has a bit of fun now and again.

0:19:250:19:31

Do they?

0:19:310:19:32

I think you could help me. I've got a bit of a sex problem myself.

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Oooh! Well, you don't have to around here, sir!

0:19:380:19:41

There's a nurse in Ward B...

0:19:410:19:44

No! Not the physical side. I know what's what and where's where.

0:19:440:19:48

-You can't be a surgeon without noticing.

-No, sir.

0:19:480:19:53

No. A lady I'm taking to dinner, frankly I want to...

0:19:530:19:57

-impress her.

-You're on the make.

-Yes! No! In a manner of speaking.

0:19:570:20:03

I haven't had much experience.

0:20:030:20:05

Oh, I see, sir.

0:20:050:20:07

If I were you, as soon as you'd sat her down I'd give her the business.

0:20:070:20:12

-Sitting down?!

-Chat her up, a bit of flannel.

0:20:120:20:16

How beautiful you are. What big eyes you have, and other things.

0:20:160:20:21

-I can't say big other things!

-You HAVEN'T had much experience.

-No.

0:20:210:20:26

How about if I jot down lines for you to try out?

0:20:260:20:30

You'd do that for me? That would be most kind, Doctor.

0:20:300:20:34

-Is Doctor Nookey still in there?

-Yes.

-I'd hate to be in his shoes.

0:20:390:20:44

-It's time he's taken down a peg or two.

-That will give you great pleasure.

0:20:440:20:50

'I've got to say it. You are a wonderful person!

0:20:580:21:04

'Your eyes...

0:21:040:21:06

'Oh, I'm filled with ecstasy!

0:21:060:21:10

-'Now hold hands. That's good.

-What a lovely little hand you have.

0:21:100:21:15

-'Kiss, kiss, kiss. ..I adore you.

-I adore you!'

0:21:150:21:19

Jolly good, sir. By this time she'll be on the run! Please go on.

0:21:220:21:28

Darling, I must tell you. Now you do something exciting to me!

0:21:280:21:34

Eh? No, look. Darling, I must tell you now. You do something exciting to me.

0:21:340:21:41

Oh! Sorry! Yes.

0:21:410:21:44

-We've known each other for four whole weeks.

-Yeah.

0:22:000:22:04

-Is it a record?

-The longest time I've had without getting somewhere.

0:22:040:22:10

What do mean? We went to Bognor last Sunday!

0:22:100:22:14

-You know what I mean.

-Yeah, but I don't want to spoil it, Jim.

0:22:140:22:19

Silly - it likes to be spoilt.

0:22:190:22:21

-Um, have you ever thought of getting married?

-Married, what for?

0:22:210:22:26

Oh, never mind.

0:22:260:22:28

Look at that couple!

0:22:340:22:36

-Something wrong?

-Oh, no, no. I just dropped something.

-Got it?

0:22:410:22:45

Yes, thank you. Ellen, my dear, you look ravishing tonight!

0:22:450:22:50

Oh, Frederick, how very nice of you.

0:22:500:22:53

Yes. ..Mmm, Matron looks charming over there, out of uniform.

0:22:530:22:59

-This is the happiest moment of my life!

-I'd taste it first, mate.

0:23:030:23:08

Yes. Of course, thank you.

0:23:080:23:12

Ellen, my dear...to you.

0:23:120:23:14

And to you, I'm sure.

0:23:140:23:17

-Quite nice.

-Yes.

0:23:210:23:24

-You won't have to worry much longer about getting nowhere.

-Really?

0:23:240:23:29

I've had an offer to go to Italy. Filming.

0:23:290:23:33

-Italy! But that's miles away.

-Oh, clever boy.

0:23:330:23:36

-Oh, no, Goldie, Do you want to go?

-No, but I do have to support myself.

0:23:360:23:42

-Being a single girl.

-Oh, hell. There must be some way around this.

0:23:420:23:47

Yes, well, you're the doctor. Suggest something!

0:23:470:23:52

-I've got it.

-Yes, Jim? There's

-a job going here, in the office.

0:23:530:23:58

You make me so mad!

0:23:580:24:00

Next - a general excuse-me.

0:24:000:24:04

Excuse ME!

0:24:040:24:06

May I, Doctor?

0:24:250:24:27

Miss Fosdick looks quite gay, doesn't she?

0:24:440:24:48

-OVER THE MUSIC:

-My dear...

0:24:510:24:54

I can't tell you how much tonight means to me.

0:24:550:24:59

Just to see your lovely face.

0:24:590:25:02

Pardon?

0:25:020:25:03

To hear your lovely voice. Must you play so blasted loud?

0:25:030:25:09

-I can hardly hear myself think!

-Go on, Frederick.

0:25:090:25:13

-Go on?

-With what you were saying.

0:25:130:25:16

Oh, yes. Oh, I've dropped my napkin. Excuse me.

0:25:160:25:20

-Your eyes...

-Frederick! I don't know if you're after me or my money,

0:25:220:25:27

but put that piece of paper down and stop messing about.

0:25:270:25:31

Dr Stoppidge!

0:25:360:25:37

-Miss Armitage is having one of her turns.

-Oh, no.

0:25:370:25:42

-Excuse me, sir.

-Of course, Doctor, run along.

0:25:420:25:45

SCREAMING

0:25:460:25:49

Stay there!

0:25:490:25:50

Oh, death before dishonour.

0:25:500:25:53

Keep that nasty lecher away from me!

0:25:540:25:58

-Who does she mean?

-You, Doctor.

0:25:580:26:00

Oh, I didn't think it showed.

0:26:000:26:04

It's that incident with Dr Nookey. Thinks every man's after her.

0:26:040:26:10

Well, she's disturbing the other patients.

0:26:100:26:13

Now come, don't be a silly girl!

0:26:130:26:16

Keep back! Keep back!

0:26:160:26:19

You know me. I'm Doctor Stoppidge.

0:26:190:26:22

Huh! You're all the same, you're only after one thing.

0:26:220:26:27

No, not true, Miss Armitage. I only want to get you into bed.

0:26:270:26:31

Get out!

0:26:340:26:36

Sex maniac!

0:26:360:26:38

It's Dr Nookey's fault. The sooner he goes the better.

0:26:380:26:42

You didn't help matters, Doctor.

0:26:420:26:45

-Is a private room free?

-Number ten.

-Put her in there tonight.

0:26:450:26:49

I'll give you a sedative for her.

0:26:490:26:52

Right. Use these. She'll think it's the Pill - never mind.

0:26:550:26:59

Thank you.

0:27:130:27:15

-There we are, my dear.

-Thank you.

0:27:170:27:20

-I was wondering if you could help me.

-I'd do anything for you - you know that, my dear.

0:27:200:27:26

-You see, I'm in trouble.

-I don't think I could do anything like that.

0:27:260:27:32

-You don't know yet! It's that medical mission of mine in the Islands.

-I see! How can I help?

0:27:320:27:41

We lost our resident doctor and I haven't been able to replace him.

0:27:410:27:46

-Not surprising! Any doctor would be foolish to bury himself in such a dump!

-Can't you find me someone?

0:27:460:27:53

I don't know anyone so STUPID.

0:27:530:27:56

I don't know, though. Dr Nookey!

0:27:580:28:01

-Yes, sir.

-How would you like a good job with a medical mission abroad?

0:28:010:28:07

A medical mission? Abroad? You must be joking!

0:28:070:28:11

-LAUGHING:

-A medical mission!

0:28:110:28:14

See! And they don't come stupider than him!

0:28:140:28:18

Well, if you can't do that to help ME, why should I help you?

0:28:180:28:22

-Don't be like that...

-It isn't much!

-No, and I promise I'll do my best to find someone.

0:28:220:28:29

You'd better.

0:28:290:28:31

-And a fruit cup, sir.

-Thank you very much indeed. Oh!

-Hello!

0:28:310:28:36

-How's that, sir?

-Well, I do like a bit of meat.

-Yes.

0:28:360:28:40

SLOW, SMOOCHY MUSIC

0:28:570:29:02

Sorry I've been so long. Right, ham and turkey for you and one for me.

0:29:190:29:24

-I'm sorry, it's only fruit cup.

-No thanks, I have to watch my figure.

-It's well worth watching!

0:29:240:29:31

-Or I blow up like a balloon.

-I know a good game with balloons! Cheers!

-Cheers!

0:29:310:29:37

As I was saying...

0:29:400:29:42

HE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS

0:29:420:29:47

That's pretty good stuff! Mmm!

0:29:490:29:52

You'll be all right now. There are no men in this room.

0:29:520:29:57

Nurse.

0:30:000:30:01

HIS SHOUTS ACCOMPANY JAZZY MUSIC

0:30:020:30:08

-DRUNKENLY:

-I'm very sorry!

0:30:260:30:29

-The boss has got a beady eye on you.

-You know what he can do with it!

0:30:290:30:34

-Ooh!

-Yeah, that wine cup must have been good. Have you forgotten you're driving me home?

-It's OK.

0:30:410:30:49

-What about the breathalyser?

-I can still breathe!

0:30:490:30:52

Never mind, I'll walk home.

0:30:520:30:55

-No! I've got an idea. Stay here.

-And where am I going to sleep if that's not a silly question?!

0:30:550:31:02

I've got it all worked out. There's a private room empty. N-number ten.

0:31:020:31:07

-I dunno. Is it allowed?

-W-well, of course! W-who's to know? Come on, quick, before the rush.

0:31:080:31:16

-Jim. This isn't such a good idea.

-Nonsense! It's a great idea.

0:31:220:31:26

-But I haven't got a nightie.

-I have.

-A nightie?

0:31:260:31:30

-No, I'll lend you my jypamas.

-PYJAMAS!

-That's right - jypamas.

0:31:310:31:36

-Go and get undressed and I'll bring them.

-Jim, we don't want to spoil things.

0:31:360:31:42

-We won't spoil them - they're nylon, drip dry!

-I didn't mean the pyjamas.

0:31:420:31:47

Shh! Now this is the room.

0:31:470:31:50

-N-number ten. I'll go and get them and we can have a little...

-Jim, not that old bit!

0:31:500:31:58

Shh! I love you. B-back soon.

0:31:580:32:01

HE HUMS MERRILY

0:32:010:32:05

Come on, where are you?

0:32:050:32:07

Ah! Moet, me old chum. Your hour has come.

0:32:090:32:13

Taxi will be here in a minute, Miss.

0:32:130:32:16

Oh, thank you. Would you get this to Dr Nookey first thing tomorrow?

0:32:160:32:21

Certainly, Miss. Thank you.

0:32:210:32:23

HE CONTINUES TO HUM

0:32:240:32:28

Ah, you're in bed, eh? Won't be a sec.

0:32:350:32:39

J-just a drop of passion juice to get us in the mood, eh?

0:32:430:32:47

CORK POPS Aargh!

0:32:470:32:50

It's all right! It's only the cork!

0:32:500:32:53

-I said it's only the...

-SHE SCREAMS

-Ah!

0:32:530:32:56

Oh n-no, n-not you again!

0:32:560:32:58

-SHE SCREAMS HYSTERICALLY

-No, shush! I don't want you. I want Goldie.

0:32:580:33:05

-SCREAMS CONTINUE

-The private patient's suite. Quick!

0:33:050:33:09

Goldie! Where are you?

0:33:090:33:12

Gol-die!

0:33:130:33:14

Gol-die!

0:33:150:33:17

-I might have known.

-Get back you... Carver! Or I'll chop your head off!

0:33:170:33:23

-Get him! He's mad!

-Anyone for Casualty?

0:33:230:33:26

Goldie! Goldie, where are you?

0:33:290:33:33

Gol-die!

0:33:360:33:38

CRASH Help!

0:33:390:33:41

-Goldie?

-Ouch, ouch! Help!

0:33:410:33:44

Goldie?

0:33:440:33:46

Goldie!

0:33:470:33:48

Gol...Aargh!

0:33:490:33:51

Aaaah!

0:33:580:34:01

Look out!

0:34:010:34:02

Oh, no!

0:34:070:34:08

HE GIGGLES

0:34:180:34:20

Dr Nookey says he went to the private ward to see his girlfriend.

0:34:310:34:36

-That is correct.

-But if there was a girlfriend, why did she disappear?

0:34:360:34:41

Can't always knock down a coconut!

0:34:410:34:44

Hmm. I think he means that he had arranged a clandestine meeting with the girl, who then changed her mind.

0:34:440:34:52

Quite. We shouldn't condemn him because he made the wrong diagnosis of what is, or is not, crumpet.

0:34:520:35:00

"I'm sorry, darling. I guess I'm just an old-fashioned girl at heart.

0:35:050:35:10

"And I just don't like wearing jypamas!

0:35:100:35:13

"Goodbye. It's been fun.

0:35:130:35:15

"Goldie."

0:35:150:35:18

Well, he cannot be allowed to practise in any hospital.

0:35:180:35:22

Of course not. But let me talk with him, as I may have a solution to satisfy everyone -

0:35:220:35:29

with the exception of Dr Nookey!

0:35:290:35:31

All right, Mr Carver.

0:35:330:35:35

-Bad news, sir?

-Disastrous!

0:35:390:35:41

You're up the alimentary canal without a paddle!

0:35:410:35:46

The medical council, then?

0:35:460:35:48

No. I think I can dissuade the board - provided you clear off abroad somewhere.

0:35:480:35:55

-Where?

-There's that job with the medical mission.

0:35:550:35:59

-I have not sunk that low.

-I suppose there ARE other jobs for ex-doctors.

0:35:590:36:04

W-w-where is this...mission?

0:36:050:36:08

Asia Bay in the Beatific Islands. Very good salary, too!

0:36:080:36:13

The Beatific Islands? That doesn't sound too bad.

0:36:130:36:17

Imagine it, Nookey. A tropical paradise. Beautiful warm seas.

0:36:170:36:22

The smell of oleander. Dusky maidens. Great big coconuts.

0:36:220:36:27

Oh. I love great big...coconuts.

0:36:270:36:30

-No shortage of them! The heat has a funny effect!

-W-when can I go?

0:36:300:36:35

-Right away!

-I couldn't do that, sir. I've got things to buy and to pack.

0:36:350:36:40

Shall we say...half an hour?

0:36:400:36:42

The Beatific Islands(!) Someone has a sense of humour!

0:37:040:37:09

-Are you sure we're in the right country?

-Yes.

0:37:090:37:12

-All right, Dr Cookey!

-Nookey, mate. Nookey!

-Yes, Cookey.

0:37:120:37:17

Look!

0:37:170:37:19

There's medical mission.

0:37:190:37:22

Oh, gawd blimey!

0:37:230:37:25

Come on.

0:37:270:37:29

Well, give us a push!

0:37:290:37:32

Watch it! There's a crocogator!

0:37:360:37:38

Wait, please. I get mission orderly - Mr Gladstone.

0:37:470:37:51

Mr Gladstone! Mr Gladstone!

0:37:510:37:55

Gladstone?

0:37:550:37:56

Big doctor from England come!

0:37:560:37:59

I was just breaking in a new nurse! Showing her where everything goes!

0:38:040:38:09

-This, Dr Kinky.

-Cookey! No! I mean Nookey!

0:38:090:38:13

-I've been sent to take over this mission.

-They didn't tell me.

0:38:130:38:17

-That's obvious.

-Welcome to Azure Bay, doc. May the fertility of Sumaka swell your coconuts.

0:38:170:38:25

-Pardon?

-A local greeting. Nothing personal!

0:38:250:38:28

-I'm the orderly - Gladstone Screwer.

-Screwer?

-People call me Gladstone.

0:38:280:38:33

I'm not surprised.

0:38:330:38:35

-Well, may I come in?

-Oh, yes!

0:38:350:38:38

Chop! Chop!

0:38:380:38:40

Argh!

0:38:420:38:44

I'm sorry about that. It's woodworm.

0:38:440:38:46

-Ooh!

-You all right?

-Just a slight compound fracture(!)

0:38:470:38:52

-Would you like to see the doctor?

-I was only jo... You already have a doctor here?

0:38:520:38:58

-Well, a local medicine man.

-A witch doctor?

0:38:580:39:02

-What, doctor?

-Witch doctor.

-Yes! Very good for witches!

0:39:020:39:06

Ha! Would you like to look round the mission?

0:39:060:39:10

No. Tomorrow morning will do. I need a good sleep.

0:39:100:39:14

-I see you've got a hammock.

-I wouldn't...

0:39:140:39:18

Oh, well. He shouldn't last too long.

0:39:240:39:27

INSECT BUZZES

0:39:310:39:34

BUZZING CONTINUES

0:39:360:39:38

SQUIRT!

0:39:520:39:54

Good morning, Mr Gladstone. Morning.

0:40:100:40:13

-Morning, doc. Have a good sleep?

-No. I didn't.

0:40:190:40:23

-Those damn mosquitos!

-Right. It's the drains.

-What's wrong with them?

0:40:230:40:28

-We haven't got any.

-Why not? What do you do with Mrs Moore's money?

0:40:280:40:33

You know, there's always lots of important medical supplies to be bought...

0:40:330:40:39

-It hasn't been spent on decoration.

-Coffee, doc?

-Thank you.

0:40:390:40:43

-Coconut?

-No. I'll have it black.

0:40:430:40:45

Mmmm. Unusual flavour.

0:40:470:40:49

Yes. Locally made from beetles.

0:40:490:40:52

-Beetles?

-Betel nuts, that is.

-That's better.

0:40:530:40:57

Yeah. The women roast the nuts, crush them in their teeth, then spit them out on mats to dry.

0:40:570:41:03

Fascinating. I'm glad they get good drying weather. I've only seen rain.

0:41:050:41:10

-It only rains for nine months of the year.

-Nine months?

0:41:100:41:14

-We're in the pregnant belt.

-And the other three months?

0:41:140:41:18

-That's the hurricane period.

-Marvellous(!) Rain and hurricanes.

0:41:180:41:22

The natives call these islands All Pees Na Fafa.

0:41:220:41:26

-All Rain And Wind.

-Charming. Well, what time is surgery?

0:41:260:41:31

-Any time you like, doc. Nobody ever comes.

-What?

-Well, they don't believe in white man's medicine.

0:41:310:41:38

-Why am I here?

-There's bags to do! Swimming, if you don't mind sharks!

0:41:380:41:43

-And indoor sports - I could fix you up with a bit of cr...

-No. Thank you.

0:41:430:41:49

Hang on. We've got a jigsaw puzzle here.

0:41:490:41:52

Queen Victoria and her family! 500 pieces.

0:41:520:41:55

No - 499. One dropped down the wotsit.

0:41:550:41:59

Look, what is the good of spending all this money on medicine?

0:41:590:42:04

There's masses of it.

0:42:040:42:06

Just look at that!

0:42:060:42:08

Whisky? Where did that come from?

0:42:100:42:12

That... That came from an old wreck.

0:42:120:42:15

-What old wreck?

-The last doctor we had!

0:42:150:42:18

-Ha! Ha! Ha!

-This is ridiculous! Just look at this place! It's a...

0:42:180:42:24

There's nothing in there. What...?

0:42:250:42:28

-I thought you said there were no patients.

-They're not patients, doc.

0:42:340:42:39

-What are they doing here?

-They're my wives and kids.

-Your wives?

0:42:390:42:44

Only these five. I'll introduce you.

0:42:440:42:47

There's Monday...Tuesday...

0:42:490:42:52

..Wednesday, Thursday...

0:42:530:42:55

-And last, but not least...

-Friday.

-That's it.

0:42:560:42:59

At least YOU know what to do with your spare time.

0:42:590:43:03

But there's not much doing at the weekend!

0:43:030:43:07

I hope you don't mind them stopping here, doc.

0:43:110:43:15

It does save me a long walk to the village.

0:43:150:43:18

And I see you need every ounce of your strength!

0:43:180:43:22

Did the last doctor leave this here?

0:43:220:43:25

-That IS the last doctor.

-That does it!

0:43:250:43:28

Call me in a couple of weeks!

0:43:340:43:36

If you last that long!

0:43:370:43:39

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ooh!

0:43:390:43:42

Twit!

0:43:420:43:44

My dear, it'll make a marvellous private clinic.

0:43:470:43:51

20 bedrooms, the attic studio as an operating theatre and magnificent drawing rooms!

0:43:510:43:57

-If I put up the money. What do I get out of it?

-A partnership of course. You know that.

0:43:570:44:04

-I haven't said yes yet.

-You said if I find a doctor for your mission...

0:44:040:44:09

I don't even know if he's all right. I haven't heard from him. Anything might be happening.

0:44:090:44:16

DRUMS BEAT CONTINUOUSLY OUTSIDE

0:44:250:44:30

Breakfast, doc?

0:45:060:45:07

-Good news. The rain's stopped. The hurricanes are here.

-I had noticed.

0:45:090:45:14

Doc. Why don't you go home? This place is no good to you.

0:45:150:45:20

There's nothing to go home for, Gladstone. Nobody loves me.

0:45:200:45:25

You'll go barmy if you stay here. My father did. He was a missionary.

0:45:250:45:30

Missionaries are good men.

0:45:300:45:32

People love them.

0:45:320:45:34

Oh, Gladstone. Why do you stay here yourself?

0:45:340:45:38

-I was born here. I don't know any different. I get enough for my needs.

-In the hospital, eh?

0:45:380:45:45

A bit of that wouldn't do you any harm. These jigsaw puzzles can't replace the other.

0:45:470:45:53

No. I only want one woman.

0:45:530:45:55

-To start with, yes.

-I didn't mean that.

-Listen to me!

0:45:550:46:00

We have a bird here, unattached - beautiful!

0:46:000:46:03

-And I'm already doing a five-day week.

-No, no, no...

-Listen.

0:46:030:46:08

She'd do anything for you - absolutely anything.

0:46:080:46:12

-Anything?

-Anything.

0:46:120:46:14

Ooh, I could do with a bit...hic! ..of help with my jigsaw!

0:46:140:46:19

That a boy, doc. I'll bring her in. Scrubber!

0:46:190:46:23

Scrubber? That's a funny name for a girl!

0:46:230:46:26

-What's up? Don't you like?

-Ooh, no.

0:46:330:46:36

No! It's just that she's... Could we be alone for a few moments?

0:46:360:46:42

-Yes! I'll be back in a minute.

-No! You and me!

0:46:420:46:46

Oh. I see. All right, then. Ktanga bulat.

0:46:460:46:50

-Something's bothering you, doc.

-Well... It's just that...

0:46:530:46:57

She's charming, but not quite what I expected.

0:46:570:47:01

-She's not big enough for you.

-On the contrary!

0:47:010:47:04

-She's like the original white man's burden!

-What? We like them big!

0:47:040:47:09

A woman's attraction is judged by her size.

0:47:090:47:13

I'm certain her mantelpiece is stuffed with trophies.

0:47:130:47:17

You see, where I come from, we like them sort of more...

0:47:170:47:21

M... Just a minute.

0:47:210:47:24

See? More like THAT!

0:47:260:47:29

-Straight?

-With a bit of a wiggle here and there.

0:47:290:47:33

Preferably there!

0:47:330:47:35

Amazing, innit? If that's what you want, give us a week.

0:47:350:47:39

Gladstone, what's the point...?

0:47:390:47:42

-Oh, those damn drums! Why do they keep pounding...?

-Sssh!

0:47:420:47:46

DRUMS CONTINUE Hang on.

0:47:460:47:49

Gladstone, where are you going?

0:47:490:47:52

Gladstone?

0:47:520:47:53

-Gladstone...

-Ssssh!

0:47:530:47:56

DRUMS BEAT It can't be.

0:47:560:47:59

What's wrong?

0:47:590:48:01

"Manchester United, six.

0:48:010:48:03

"Chelsea, one."

0:48:030:48:06

DRUMS CONTINUE

0:48:060:48:08

"Arsenal, five.

0:48:080:48:10

"Wolves, nil."

0:48:100:48:12

Wait here.

0:48:260:48:28

Is Mr Carver in?

0:48:340:48:36

Yes, he is. He's seeing someone. That's right. Me.

0:48:360:48:40

Take a breath and don't breathe out until I say so.

0:48:400:48:44

Good. Now...

0:48:440:48:46

Oh, my dear! How fortunate. I've got the contract for the house...

0:48:460:48:51

-Look at this!

-"Gladstone Screwer"?

-The orderly at the mission. Read it.

0:48:510:48:58

"Madam, it is with great regret

0:48:580:49:00

"that I write to inform you of the disgraceful behaviour of Dr Nookey.

0:49:000:49:06

"He's done nothing but drink whisky and...debauch women!

0:49:060:49:10

"Unless he's recalled, both will soon be exhausted.

0:49:100:49:15

"He's neglected his duties

0:49:150:49:17

-"and the natives are dying like flies."

-Flies!

0:49:170:49:21

Flies. Yes.

0:49:210:49:23

SPLUTTER

0:49:230:49:25

All right. You can breathe out now.

0:49:250:49:28

Over-susceptible.

0:49:300:49:32

-I had a premonition.

-I don't know what to do.

-Well, do something.

0:49:320:49:37

-I'll write a stiff letter - on cardboard!

-You have to find another doctor.

0:49:370:49:43

-I had enough trouble getting him there.

-Shall I tear this up?

-Wait!

0:49:430:49:48

-I'll fly out there. How about that?

-Very well. So long as it's right away.

0:49:480:49:54

Doc? Hey, Dr Nookey!

0:50:200:50:23

-Is that Goldie?

-No. It's me, Gladstone.

0:50:230:50:26

I bought that bird back, Scrubber.

0:50:260:50:29

-Oh, no.

-Yes. You'll like her this time. Scrubber!

0:50:290:50:33

No. No. No.

0:50:330:50:36

I told you last week. All I want...

0:50:360:50:39

-Is that the same woman?

-Of course.

0:50:430:50:46

But last week she was as big as... with the...

0:50:500:50:54

-Now! How did she do it?

-The doctor gave her some stuff.

-Medicine?

-Yeah.

0:50:540:50:59

I know women back home who'd give a fortune for that stuff! A fortune!

0:50:590:51:05

-That is it!

-You all right, doc?

-Fine. How does he make that stuff?

0:51:060:51:11

Oh, a little juice from the banyan tree, parrot droppings, gnats' milk.

0:51:110:51:16

-Could I make it?

-No. There's an art to it. Have you milked a gnat?

0:51:160:51:20

-But if I were to pay for it, would he give it to me?

-Pay?

-Yes. Money. Ackers!

0:51:200:51:27

How about 100 English cigarettes a bottle?

0:51:270:51:30

-Cigarettes?

-That's the usual currency here.

-200 if you like!

0:51:300:51:35

It's a deal! Here we are - twice daily for a week injected. Cigarettes?

0:51:350:51:41

No. I'll give them to him to make certain of a regular supply.

0:51:410:51:46

That doctor I told you about is me!

0:51:460:51:49

You?

0:51:490:51:50

Him? I might have known it!

0:51:500:51:53

There! There's plenty more coming so get out your milking stool!

0:51:590:52:04

INAUDIBLE

0:52:040:52:07

Can she do something to please you?

0:52:070:52:10

Oh, no, no.

0:52:100:52:11

Yes! Yes, there is!

0:52:110:52:13

-What?

-She can help me pack. I'm going back home!

0:52:130:52:17

Thank you, George. I shall be going back to the clinic at twelve.

0:52:270:52:32

WOMEN CHATTER

0:52:420:52:44

THEY ALL SHOUT AT ONCE

0:52:480:52:52

There he is!

0:53:070:53:08

-Thank you Miss Filkington-Battermore.

-Diedre.

0:53:110:53:14

Oh, Diedre, yes. I don't know what I would have done without you.

0:53:140:53:19

One should do everything one can to please one's employer.

0:53:190:53:24

I mean, when one doesn't do all that silly typing and shorthand,

0:53:240:53:29

one has to make up for it in other ways, doesn't one?

0:53:290:53:33

Well, I expect so. Yes. I suppose it's about time we got down to it.

0:53:340:53:39

Anything you say, Doctor.

0:53:390:53:41

-I'm ready.

-Good.

0:53:480:53:50

I meant to go through the letters!

0:53:540:53:57

Oh! I should point out that I like my employers to make their needs absolutely clear, Doctor.

0:53:570:54:05

Well, now, er...

0:54:050:54:07

-HIGH-PITCHED

-Are these all...?

0:54:070:54:10

-Are these applications for treatment?

-Yes, Doctor.

0:54:100:54:13

What time's my first appointment?

0:54:130:54:16

In ten minutes, Doctor.

0:54:160:54:18

So if there's anything else you want...

0:54:180:54:22

Well, as a matter of fact, I... I would like to look at my paper.

0:54:220:54:28

It's there for you, Doctor.

0:54:280:54:30

Oh, yes. I know it is!

0:54:300:54:33

Oh, the paper! Th... Thank you very much.

0:54:350:54:39

What's this? "Well-known surgeon saved!"

0:54:450:54:48

"Mr Frederick Carver, eminent British surgeon,

0:54:480:54:52

"boarding a plane for England.

0:54:520:54:54

"Mr Carver was a survivor of the Bella Vista which floundered in a hurricane off the Beatific Isles."

0:54:540:55:02

Keep the change.

0:55:150:55:17

Mr Carver, sir!

0:55:220:55:25

Welcome back! You're looking so well.

0:55:250:55:28

Never mind that! Where's Dr Nookey? Where is he?

0:55:280:55:32

-He's not been here.

-What do you mean...?

-Oh!

0:55:320:55:35

Be off with you. There are no beds here for vagrants.

0:55:360:55:40

Vagrants?! Who's that?

0:55:420:55:44

-The new matron, sir.

-What happened to Miss Soaper?

0:55:440:55:48

-She left three months ago.

-Why? What's going on? Where's Dr Stoppidge?

0:55:480:55:55

He'll be in his... in YOUR office, sir.

0:55:550:55:59

In MY office indeed?!

0:55:590:56:02

Hello, sir. You're back!

0:56:060:56:08

-Why are you lolling around my office?

-They asked me to take over.

0:56:080:56:14

-We didn't know if you were coming back.

-I nearly didn't!

0:56:140:56:18

I know! All those dusky beauties. Pretty hot stuff!

0:56:180:56:22

I was three months on that wretched island. All of them in bed, trying to stop them scratching!

0:56:220:56:30

I'd no idea they were so passionate.

0:56:300:56:33

-They had chicken pox. So did I.

-You must have had it before.

0:56:330:56:38

I've never had it. Never had time to have it.

0:56:380:56:41

When I got off the island, the boat sank!

0:56:410:56:45

-How awful!

-You know who's responsible - Nookey!

0:56:450:56:49

He'll never practise medicine again! He won't get a job curing kippers!

0:56:490:56:55

-Oh. Then, you haven't heard, sir.

-Heard what?

0:56:550:56:59

-He's on the way to making a fortune.

-What?

0:56:590:57:02

He's discovered a cure for chronic over-weight.

0:57:020:57:06

-He couldn't discover a soft cushion to cure a boil on the backside!

-It's been in all the papers.

0:57:060:57:13

-Fancy consulting rooms, country clinic...

-Where'd he get the money from?

0:57:130:57:19

-He's gone into partnership with the wealthy widow, Mrs Moore.

-Oh, no!

0:57:190:57:25

I'm afraid so, sir. There's a picture of their new clinic there.

0:57:250:57:30

That's the place she was going to buy for ME!

0:57:300:57:34

He must be making a fortune!

0:57:360:57:39

Gladstone, we'll have to get in on this!

0:57:390:57:43

Saturday! Oi!

0:57:440:57:46

Yes, dear? Did you call?

0:57:490:57:51

Yes. I'm taking a trip. That's nice.

0:57:510:57:55

Would you like me to come? No. You have a rest.

0:57:550:57:59

"Come unto us all you who are heavy laden."

0:58:110:58:14

Eugh!

0:58:140:58:15

In our first three months, we've cleared ten thousand!

0:58:180:58:24

So that's what they mean by living off the fat of the land!

0:58:240:58:28

Jim, I'm so glad you came to me with this.

0:58:280:58:32

It was fated - us to get together.

0:58:320:58:35

Now, Helen, this is purely a business partnership.

0:58:350:58:39

I MEAN business, believe me!

0:58:390:58:42

-Yes, well...about these clinics.

-I've decided.

-Yes?

0:58:430:58:47

-I WANT to have it off.

-What?

0:58:470:58:50

-I want to have the cure.

-Oh, that! How about next Monday? The stuff should have arrived by then.

0:58:500:58:58

-What stuff?

-Oh, I use certain things in my serum that I have to order from abroad.

0:58:580:59:05

-And they haven't come?

-No.

0:59:050:59:07

-I've sent a cable. ..Come in!

-KNOCK KNOCK

0:59:070:59:11

-Doctor. Mr Carver's here.

-Hello. This looks like trouble.

0:59:130:59:17

When he saw I was here, he practically blew his top!

0:59:170:59:22

-You're not afraid of Frederick?

-Me? Ha ha! Yes!

-Why?

0:59:220:59:27

It was my fault he went to Devil's Island.

0:59:270:59:30

Leave it to me. It just needs tact and understanding.

0:59:300:59:34

Well! Well! Well! Talk about bad pennies turning up!

0:59:370:59:41

Traitress! Jezebel! Viper in my bosom!

0:59:410:59:45

We'll have none of that filthy talk here!

0:59:450:59:49

What have you done to me? This was to be my dream - a temple dedicated to advanced surgery.

0:59:490:59:56

You turned it into a lard-removing factory.

0:59:560:59:59

How dare you say that? Jim's doing wonderful work.

0:59:591:00:03

Oh! It's "Jim" now, is it? Oh!

1:00:031:00:07

So he's after you, too! He's even madder than I thought!

1:00:071:00:12

Dr Nookey and I enjoy a business relationship - HE enjoys it. I can't say I do.

1:00:121:00:18

I'm going to expose him for the fake that he is.

1:00:181:00:22

You're always exposing something. And you haven't even seen what he's doing.

1:00:221:00:28

I don't need to. I've seen enough. "All you who are heavy laden!"

1:00:281:00:33

-Disgusting!

-Do you want to see around?

-Well, now that I'm here.

1:00:331:00:38

-Right. The befores first.

-What?

1:00:381:00:41

The clinic is divided into two sections.

1:00:411:00:44

Before...and after.

1:00:441:00:47

Good grief! It gets worse and worse.

1:00:471:00:51

-If he asks, tell him I've gone to town for a year or two!

-Yes, Doctor.

1:00:581:01:04

Dr Nookey!

1:01:091:01:11

-I wanted a word with you.

-I know what a mess I got you into with the mission...

1:01:111:01:17

Don't worry. It was entirely my fault for sending you out there.

1:01:171:01:22

A waste of a valuable talent.

1:01:221:01:24

-Eh?

-You're doing a wonderful job.

1:01:241:01:27

Excellent results. How do you actually do it?

1:01:271:01:31

It's just an injection - a serum, sir.

1:01:311:01:34

A serum? Really? What's in it?

1:01:341:01:37

-A hundred guineas a week!

-I didn't mean that...? A hundred guineas? That is interesting!

1:01:371:01:44

Naturally, the formula is a secret.

1:01:441:01:47

Naturally! You don't want every Tom, Dick and Harry cashing in on it!

1:01:471:01:52

Just a select few members of the medical profession!

1:01:521:01:57

-We don't need any more partners, if that's what you mean.

-Of course not.

1:01:571:02:02

I'll be getting on. Carry on the good work. You have my full support.

1:02:021:02:07

-What's up with him?

-You mean, what's HE up to?

1:02:091:02:12

He must have picked it up in the Beatific Islands.

1:02:121:02:16

"Natural Diseases And Their Remedies".

1:02:161:02:20

"Ancient Tribal Medicine". "The Arts Of The Witch Doctor".

1:02:201:02:25

Nookey goes out there an ignorant idiot and comes back a productive genius.

1:02:251:02:31

-I must know his cure.

-You need someone IN his clinic.

1:02:311:02:36

-But who could I trust?

-Me.

-But he knows you.

1:02:361:02:40

In any case, they're only taking women at the moment.

1:02:401:02:44

Yes...

1:02:441:02:45

Yes! He'd never suspect a woman, would he?

1:02:461:02:50

No. Of course he wouldn't. But who could be the woman? Ha ha ha!

1:02:501:02:55

-KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

-Come in.

1:03:011:03:04

Oh, Doctor. Miss Madder has arrived. She's in her room.

1:03:051:03:09

-Madder?

-Melody Madder.

-Oh! The film star from Italy!

1:03:091:03:14

Get the scales ready, Matron.

1:03:141:03:16

-By the way, Mr Carver's bringing a Lady Puddleton for treatment.

-We're full, Doctor.

1:03:161:03:23

But I owe the old basket a favour. I'll try to talk them out of it.

1:03:231:03:28

No-one will get treatment if Gladstone doesn't send some stuff soon. What the devil's he up to?

1:03:281:03:35

Eight and six, guv. Eight and six?

1:03:421:03:44

Hang on. Eight and six, that's about 33, ain't it?

1:03:441:03:49

That's for you!

1:03:561:03:59

'Ere! Wait a minute!

1:04:001:04:02

-KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

-Come in.

1:04:041:04:07

Doctor, Miss Madder's here.

1:04:071:04:10

I'll be a moment. Please take your clothes off...

1:04:101:04:13

Same old Jim!

1:04:131:04:15

Goldie?

1:04:161:04:18

-Goldie!

-It's me all right.

1:04:191:04:22

-Don't you like it?

-Yes. Yes. I do. But, Melody Madder?

1:04:221:04:27

That was the studio's idea. Still, it's better than Goldie Locks!

1:04:271:04:32

But why didn't you tell me?

1:04:321:04:34

I wasn't sure I wanted to see you again. Then the studio said I had to get weight off and here I am!

1:04:341:04:41

You're joking! You think I'd sabotage that gorgeous figure?

1:04:411:04:46

It may be gorgeous to you, but it's unfashionable.

1:04:461:04:50

In case you hadn't noticed, the bone has replaced the boobs!

1:04:501:04:55

You're not going to Italy. You're staying here with me.

1:04:551:05:00

-No, I've waited too long for this!

-And I've waited too long, too.

1:05:001:05:04

Now... You stay away from me, Jim.

1:05:041:05:07

-I don't want to.

-You're not getting away from me again, Goldie!

1:05:071:05:12

Do you MIND? As a matter of fact, I don't.

1:05:311:05:34

Well, I DO. How about it, then?

1:05:341:05:37

Who are you? Why are you here? Screwer - Gladstone Screwer.

1:05:371:05:41

Gladstone...? Oh. Well, I'm the matron here.

1:05:411:05:45

Miss Soaper. Soaper? I don't like that.

1:05:451:05:48

I'll call you Sunday!

1:05:481:05:51

Well, I won't be in.

1:05:511:05:53

Dr Nookey's been worried about you. This way, please.

1:05:531:05:57

Gladstone!

1:06:011:06:02

That's a new one on me!

1:06:021:06:05

W-w-what are you doing here?

1:06:071:06:09

That's her! The flat one with a bit of here and there!

1:06:111:06:15

Is that how you refer to me?

1:06:151:06:17

No. I'll explain later. Matron, take Miss Madder to her room.

1:06:171:06:22

-Gladstone, why haven't you sent the stuff this month?

-Stuff? The stuff you were so clever to discover?

1:06:221:06:30

That wasn't my idea. You know what newspapers are like.

1:06:301:06:34

-Big pieces of paper with print all over.

-Why didn't you send it?

1:06:341:06:38

I thought I'd bring it, as it's making all that money!

1:06:381:06:43

You brought it? Good old Gladstone! You didn't have to go to all that trouble.

1:06:431:06:49

-No trouble! I enjoyed the trip.

-And you'll want to enjoy the trip back.

1:06:491:06:55

-No rush. I thought I'd stay a little.

-No. You can't. You'd hate it!

1:06:551:07:00

And I don't suppose you brought your wives with you.

1:07:001:07:04

I've only got one left - Saturday. Miss Fosdick, old Carver's secretary.

1:07:041:07:09

She got rid of the others. Said she wasn't going to queue up! Whisky?

1:07:091:07:14

-No. This stuff.

-Let's drink to our new partnership.

1:07:141:07:18

-P-partnership?

-That's when you split it all 50-50!

1:07:181:07:22

I couldn't do that, Gladstone. I've got a partner already.

1:07:221:07:26

But I could increase the payments! King size cigarettes?

1:07:261:07:31

-Half the money and I'll buy me own smokes!

-I can't do that, Gladstone.

1:07:311:07:36

-I'm sure you'll agree.

-You won't give me the stuff unless I do?

1:07:361:07:41

No! I wouldn't do a rotten thing like that!

1:07:411:07:44

Hang on. That's the one!

1:07:441:07:47

-Thanks. But no partnership! Definitely!

-We'll see tomorrow!

1:07:471:07:52

It looks a bit thicker than usual.

1:07:521:07:54

The gnats' milk can get a bit rich.

1:07:541:07:57

-KNOCK KNOCK

-Come in.

1:07:571:07:59

Excuse me. Mr Carver's just driven up.

1:07:591:08:03

Carver? I'd like to see him again!

1:08:031:08:06

No. It's not the same Carver. It's another bloke. You just sit there.

1:08:061:08:12

WHISPERS

1:08:121:08:13

Matron wondered if you'd like to go to her room with her.

1:08:161:08:21

-All right. I'll just finish me drink.

-She can't wait -

1:08:211:08:25

for you to finish it.

1:08:251:08:27

This way. Down the corridor. Please hurry!

1:08:311:08:34

Swinging Britain? This is ridiculous!

1:08:341:08:37

-Keep him here till Carver's gone.

-Yes. This way.

1:08:371:08:41

-It's you, sir. Do come in.

-I have a rather important patient for you.

1:08:431:08:47

Lady Puddleton, don't be shy.

1:08:471:08:50

I'd be very grateful if you took her on. She's very distinguished.

1:08:501:08:55

-This is Dr Nookey, my dear.

-How do you do?

-Oh, hello!

1:08:551:09:00

-You can see Her Ladyship's trouble - top heavy.

-The top is heavy.

-It is heavy.

1:09:001:09:06

It gets in the way of her horse's head.

1:09:061:09:09

Can't see where you're going! I hope you'll start treatment right away.

1:09:091:09:15

We're full at the moment. Do you mind sharing?

1:09:151:09:19

Oh, no. As long as it's with another man.

1:09:191:09:22

-Pardon?

-Your ladyship! You can't do that here!

1:09:231:09:27

You know these country folk!

1:09:271:09:29

Off the horse and on the job! I'll leave you with Dr Nookey! Thank you.

1:09:291:09:36

-Good luck, Lady Puddleton.

-Wait!

1:09:361:09:38

I can't share a room!

1:09:391:09:41

-Undressing!

-She'll have nothing to surprise YOU.

-I'll have something to surprise HER.

1:09:411:09:48

Anyway, I'll come back later to see you.

1:09:481:09:51

-And we can leave together if you've already had it.

-Had it?

1:09:511:09:56

-Had what?

-The treatment, you fool.

1:09:561:09:58

Don't worry, my dear. Dr Nookey will take care of you.

1:09:581:10:03

-Of course. She'll be all right with me.

-Thank you.

1:10:031:10:07

-You must try to relax, Lady Puddleton. I guarantee...

-Doctor!

1:10:071:10:12

Doctor Nookey! I must talk to you at once!

1:10:121:10:16

Very well, Matron. In my office, please.

1:10:161:10:19

-Excuse me, Lady Puddleton. I won't be moment. Sit here.

-Thank you.

1:10:191:10:24

CREAKING

1:10:241:10:26

CREAKING

1:10:271:10:29

Don't wait, Doctor. I'm quite all right.

1:10:291:10:32

CREAKING

1:10:371:10:39

-Funny woman. Well, Matron, what's your problem?

-I cannot stay with that man any longer!

1:10:461:10:54

-Well, Carver's gone now. What happened?

-I'd rather not say. All he thinks about is whisky and sex.

1:10:541:11:01

-On his island, you can't get soda!

-That's not funny, Doctor.

1:11:011:11:06

-He shouldn't be here with all these women.

-I aim to get rid of him soon.

1:11:061:11:11

-But something worries me more.

-Yes, Doctor?

1:11:111:11:14

That Lady Puddleton. There is something very peculiar about her.

1:11:141:11:19

It's old Stoppidge! I'll be damned!

1:11:411:11:44

-So that's what they're up to.

-Fancy Mr Carver doing that.

1:11:441:11:48

-You'll get rid of him at once!

-Yes. No!

-No.

1:11:481:11:52

He came for the treatment. And he's gonna get it - the full treatment.

1:11:521:11:57

We'll teach him and Gladstone a lesson they'll never forget!

1:11:571:12:01

-There you are, Gladstone!

-Hello, doc.

1:12:061:12:09

Hello, nurse.

1:12:091:12:11

We're full up at the moment. But Matron says that you can sleep in her room tonight.

1:12:111:12:17

That's real hospitality. I am moving in with Nurse Trumper!

1:12:171:12:22

-What's she? Frigid?

-The women over here aren't quite so uninhibited, Gladstone!

1:12:241:12:30

-What about this submissive society?

-There is one women here who definitely fancies you.

1:12:301:12:37

-Only one?

-This will be enough. Her name's Lady Puddleton.

1:12:371:12:41

-Tallish woman. Thin faced. Glasses.

-I've seen her. The one with the big...

1:12:411:12:47

That's him - her! Not much to look at, mind.

1:12:471:12:51

We don't bother about looks - our nights are very dark!

1:12:511:12:55

Lady Puddleton, have you met Mrs Moore?

1:12:551:12:58

How do you do? You'll be sharing her room.

1:12:581:13:02

-We have a mutual friend, Lady Puddleton. Mr Carver.

-Indeed.

1:13:021:13:07

Such a charming man. Have you known him long?

1:13:071:13:11

Rather! We roomed together at medical school.

1:13:111:13:15

Good evening, ladies. I'm pleased to say your big moment has arrived.

1:13:161:13:21

As soon as you're all in bed, I shall be round to give you your first injection. Off you go, ladies.

1:13:211:13:29

Except Miss Madder and Lady Puddleton.

1:13:341:13:38

Jim, I'm definitely having that treatment!

1:13:381:13:41

-Of course. It's just that you have yet to be weighed.

-Oh.

1:13:411:13:46

-That's all right.

-If you both go with Matron and do it now - stripped, of course.

1:13:461:13:52

-Lady Puddleton.

-I can't undress in front of other people.

1:13:531:13:58

-Why not?

-You see, I've got rather...

1:13:581:14:01

-WHISPERS

-You have, haven't you?

1:14:011:14:05

Nobody's going to look. After all, it's all girls together, eh?

1:14:051:14:10

Come on!

1:14:101:14:12

Your tyres are a bit flat...

1:14:121:14:14

Have you met Mr Screwer, Lady Puddleton?

1:14:141:14:18

How do you do? See you later in Matron's room!

1:14:181:14:22

-Come on, Lady Puddleton.

-I'm going to bed.

1:14:221:14:25

Do what the doctor says. I can wait!

1:14:251:14:28

-In you go, Lady Puddleton.

-I'd much rather...

1:14:301:14:33

Argh!

1:14:401:14:41

Blimey! She can't wait!

1:14:451:14:47

Good evening. Don't worry, just a little prick!

1:14:521:14:55

Oh, what a pretty nightdress, your ladyship! I always sleep in the raw.

1:15:021:15:08

My husband preferred it. He was an active man.

1:15:091:15:13

Oh! I wonder if you'd mind unhooking this for me.

1:15:151:15:19

Thank you so much. We shan't be needing these things much longer!

1:15:271:15:32

KNOCK KNOCK Come in.

1:15:381:15:41

Well! How are we getting on, then?

1:15:411:15:44

Like a house on fire!

1:15:441:15:47

I'll bet you two girls have plenty to talk about. Who's first?

1:15:471:15:52

-Me! Where do you have it?

-Face down on the bed.

-Oh, there!

1:15:521:15:56

Right, hold still now.

1:16:031:16:05

Now, it's your turn, Lady Puddleton.

1:16:131:16:16

Thank you, Matron.

1:16:171:16:19

No!

1:16:211:16:22

No. I can't have it there.

1:16:221:16:25

We put it where it won't be seen, your ladyship.

1:16:251:16:29

I'll have it in my arm. I keep that well covered!

1:16:291:16:33

Very well. If you wish.

1:16:331:16:35

Might I know what is in your serum?

1:16:351:16:37

Certainly! There's banyan tree juice, powdered parrot droppings and gnats' milk.

1:16:371:16:44

Of course, the proportions are a secret!

1:16:481:16:51

Good night, ladies. Sleep tight.

1:16:511:16:53

I'd love to watch those two for the rest of the night. Is that all?

1:16:581:17:03

-Only Miss Madder left, Doctor.

-I'll see to her, Matron.

-Yes, Doctor.

1:17:031:17:08

-Good night, Doctor.

-And you, Matron.

1:17:091:17:12

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK Come in.

1:17:141:17:17

-Good evening, Miss Madder.

-Good evening, Doctor.

1:17:221:17:26

-Time for your injection. If you still want it!

-There's nothing else I'd rather have.

1:17:261:17:32

Right. Turn over, please.

1:17:321:17:35

I'll need your nightie pulled up.

1:17:411:17:44

-Go ahead. I'm sure you've had plenty of practice doing that.

-All right.

1:17:441:17:49

-Are you absolutely sure you want me to...?

-Absolutely!

1:17:541:17:58

All right, then.

1:17:581:18:00

Good night and good luck.

1:18:061:18:09

KNOCK KNOCK

1:18:251:18:27

Come right in, darling. Everything's re...

1:18:271:18:30

Oh. It's you. I'm sorry to disappoint you.

1:18:311:18:34

I require some night clothes.

1:18:341:18:36

Help yourself. You don't have to move out. It's a big bed.

1:18:361:18:41

As I said earlier, I'm not your sort of woman.

1:18:411:18:45

I'd marry you first!

1:18:451:18:47

Marry me in the middle of the night?

1:18:471:18:50

Well, it's a very simple ceremony.

1:18:501:18:53

Just cut our left hands, put them together, say "we are one" and it's legal!

1:18:531:18:58

- I see. Sort of instant wedlock! - We call it a bleeding ceremony.

1:18:581:19:04

They often call it that here, too.

1:19:041:19:07

You ready then? No!

1:19:071:19:09

I have no urge to marry you.

1:19:091:19:12

Don't worry! The urge comes later!

1:19:121:19:15

No. Thank you, but no!

1:19:151:19:18

You'll feel different when I'm a partner here.

1:19:181:19:22

Fortunately, that is something you will never be, Mr Screwer.

1:19:221:19:27

No?

1:19:271:19:28

I wouldn't be too sure about that!

1:19:321:19:35

There! Oh, that's better.

1:19:361:19:39

I wonder if you'd mind rubbing some talc on my back?

1:19:401:19:44

I'm ready.

1:19:501:19:52

-Oh, sir. Thank goodness you're here.

-What's happened?

-Nothing yet.

1:20:041:20:08

-Have you had it?

-Up to the neck!

-The treatment!

-I've had the lot!

1:20:081:20:13

-DOOR SLAMS

-Quick! In here!

1:20:131:20:17

-Well, what is it?

-It's an injection.

1:20:201:20:23

-Do you know what's in it?

-Yes. He told me.

1:20:231:20:27

-Marvellous! What is it?

-Let's see... Banyan tree juice, powdered parrots' milk and gnats' droppings.

1:20:271:20:34

-What?

-Or the other way round.

-You sure?

-That's what he told me!

1:20:341:20:39

You fool! He was having you on. I'll show him.

1:20:391:20:43

Next time you have an injection, pinch some of the stuff.

1:20:431:20:47

No! There won't be a next time. I'm not staying here!

1:20:471:20:51

-But you must.

-I can't. It's bad enough having to sleep with a woman!

1:20:511:20:56

-But there's a horrible man chasing me too.

-What man in his right mind would do that?

-Do you mind?

1:20:561:21:03

-He invited me to his room tonight.

-What's his name?

1:21:031:21:07

-Oh, it's Gladstone or something.

-Gladstone?

1:21:071:21:12

-It's all making sense.

-Not to me, it isn't.

1:21:121:21:16

Marvellous! And he wants you to go to his room tonight?

1:21:161:21:20

-Yes.

-Well, off you go.

-All right.

1:21:201:21:23

Go on! I'll be just out here!

1:21:291:21:31

Who is it?

1:21:311:21:33

Well, I'd almost given you up!

1:21:411:21:44

-I can't stay very long.

-As long as it's long enough!

1:21:441:21:49

-I feel weak from the injection.

-Lie down on the bed.

1:21:491:21:52

-What's in it.

-The bed?

-No! The injection!

1:21:521:21:56

-Who cares?

-I bet a clever man like you knows.

-Maybe.

1:21:561:22:00

Do tell!

1:22:001:22:01

I'll have to know you better first.

1:22:011:22:04

-What are you doing?

-Getting married!

-What?

1:22:041:22:07

-Just a quick slash!

-I don't want...to get married!

1:22:071:22:11

Suit yourself. Don't complain to me afterwards!

1:22:111:22:15

You mustn't. Stop it!

1:22:151:22:17

Cheeky! Come here!

1:22:191:22:21

Ah! Ha! Ha!

1:22:221:22:24

Hello?

1:22:241:22:26

Oh, blimey! It couldn't have been!

1:22:301:22:32

It was! Doctor Nookey! Doc!

1:22:321:22:35

Doctor Nookey!

1:22:351:22:37

Doctor Nookey! Doctor Nookey, where are ya?

1:22:371:22:40

Let's get out of here.

1:22:411:22:43

Doctor!

1:22:451:22:46

No good! In here!

1:22:461:22:48

All right. All right. What's wrong?

1:22:511:22:54

-That woman!

-Lady Puddleton.

-She's a fella.

1:22:541:22:57

-I know. How did you find out?

-I'd hate to tell ya.

-Where is she?

-Through there.

-Let's have a talk.

1:22:571:23:05

Look! The serum! Just what we've been looking for.

1:23:091:23:12

-Serum?

-Yeah.

1:23:121:23:14

-Well, what's in it?

-Search me. It might as well be gnats' milk.

1:23:141:23:19

-You've done analysis.

-Yes.

1:23:191:23:22

-Put some on your tongue, man. Taste it.

-Oh.

1:23:221:23:26

A-ha!

1:23:281:23:30

So that's your game!

1:23:421:23:44

-I'll trouble you for that bottle!

-No. The medical council will be interested in this.

1:23:441:23:51

-Dr Nookey's brilliant discovery(!)

-Can't we talk this over?

1:23:511:23:55

-No! Unless you're offering me a partnership.

-I've got a partner!

-I've got the stuff!

1:23:551:24:02

Oh, no, you haven't, mate. I have.

1:24:021:24:05

It isn't the weight-reducing serum?

1:24:051:24:08

-No. That stuff does something very queer.

-What does it do?

1:24:081:24:13

SCREAMING You're just about to find out!

1:24:131:24:17

-A sex change?

-Good gracious!

1:24:291:24:31

EVERYONE: Bye-bye! Bye-bye!

1:24:441:24:47

How about a kiss, Mrs Nookey?

1:24:471:24:50

Ooh! You didn't shave this morning.

1:24:521:24:54

Don't worry! I will before tonight!

1:24:541:24:57

Subtitles by BBC Subtitling - 1997

1:24:591:25:02

Comedy about a doctor who stumbles upon a shaman's weight-reducing potion while working at a mission in the South Seas. Realising the potential of the potion, he returns to England with the aim of making a fortune.


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