Carry on Again, Doctor

ANGUISHED SCREAMING

They've started early!

SCREAMS CONTINUE

-Oh, hello! What's the matter?

-Oh.

-Oh, I'm sorry, I'm not dipped.

-What scared you, Miss Armitage?

What's all the fuss?

-Doctor Nookey, what have you been doing to this patient?

-Doing? To her?

You must be joking! I was just having a shower when she barged in.

-THAT is the women's washroom!

-W-w-women's washroom?

It's just been changed while the women's is redecorated. The notice isn't clear.

That's no excuse! You ought to apologise.

I'm most terribly sorry.

-Aargh!

-Miss Armitage!

-Don't forget my appointment with...

-Ooh!

-Don't you start!

Ooh! Why put such awkward handles on the doors?

Oh! I'm t-terribly sorry, sir. There's been an awful mistake.

It seems a career known for its ups and downs has reached the bottom!

Oh!

Pay attention. The head surgeon is doing his rounds.

Sit up straight, now. Sit up! You must be joking! Ouf!

As senior house surgeon, I must see that the hospital runs efficiently.

-But Doctor Nookey is a disrupting influence.

-Oh, don't go on.

I can't sack every doctor who makes an exhibition of himself.

-Who was that woman?

-Miss Armitage. She's in for observation.

-Is she?!

She observed more than she bargained for!

That's not all. There have been other incidents with nurses.

But you know all young doctors practise a bit of jiggery pokery.

-I do not object to jiggery but I do take exception to pokery!

-Huh!

-Excuse me...

-Ah! This is the kidney case, I suppose?

-Yes - Mr Bean.

Ah, kidney bean!

Mr Bean, how are you? Any pain?

A bit, sir. >

-Especially when I pass water.

-The best thing is to stop passing it.

-Whenever you come to some, stop and turn back. Has he been X-rayed?

-Yes.

-I'd like to see his plates.

-Yes, OK.

-I mean his X-ray plates!

-Beg your pardon. Matron.

Nurse.

Thank you.

Ah!

Hmm. Yes.

-It's a stone.

-No! I thought it was a trouser button.

-Mr Bean. Do you wear a zip on your trousers?

-Why, yes!

A stone. It'll have to come out.

-Excuse me.

-Miss Fosdick, don't keep plucking at me - I'm not a chicken!

-I'm sorry but you have an appointment at 11.

-It can wait.

-It's to see Mrs Moore.

-And she... Oh, that's different.

A wealthy private patient - I took her appendix out.

I hope you both had a nice time.

I'll make the jokes, Stoppidge.

-Fosdick, get the car.

-What about the operation?

-You can handle it.

-I hear you're a good kidney winkler.

-But I've not done it before.

-Easy! I'll lend you my penknife.

-Penknife?!

-It's got a thing for taking out stones.

-But I need your advice!

Come with me and I'll explain it.

Mr Bean!

Bend over, dear. I'll demonstrate.

Perfectly simple. You make an incision here. Stop squirming!

Isn't it a bit high up, sir? I don't want to take a lump off his coccyx.

High up?! Got a skin pencil? Show me the position of a kidney.

Well, I would say it's just about...there.

-What's that - a cashew?!

-His kidney.

-That little thing? He's not a hamster!

-OK.

That's just a bit larger.

No, no. It's not in the right place. Here, I'll show you.

There! That's where you'll find it.

No, sir. I beg to differ.

-That is where his liver is.

-Nonsense!

The liver's not there, it's there. And there's the backbone. You see?

-Would you mind doing that again, sir?

-Yes, sir, please do.

Thank you, nurse.

BUZZER

Mrs Beasley, please. About time, too.

-Good morning, Mrs Beasley. And what's wrong with you today?

-That's for you to find out, Doctor.

-Any rate, I brought you this sample you asked me for.

-The correct word is a specimen.

-Call it what you like. I know what I call it...

-Not in front of Sister.

And you should give us bottles with wider tops. I had a job getting it in.

-You ought to have used a funnel.

-I tried one of those.

It kept running out the other end.

-Never mind, you've done splendidly.

-It's all right, is it?

Fresh as a stream - nothing wrong.

Maybe not there, but it doesn't mean there's nothing wrong with the rest of me.

Like the bowels. They're driving me mad and nothing seems to shift them.

-Have you tried a laxative?

-Not bowels, Doctor. BELLS!

Ringing in me earholes all day.

Oh, I see. I beg your pardon. Please go on, Mrs Beasley.

There's like this swelling at night.

..When the palpitations start, it wakes me up and that wakes HIM up. Then, he's at it again.

-At it?

-Grousing. SHE IMITATES HIM GRUMBLING

-Well, have you tried using separate beds?

-He won't have it. Says it's denying him his convivial rights.

Yes, well. I'll get Sister to give you some sleeping tablets.

-Now, I really must get on.

-This way.

Ooh! I never told you about the rheumatism in my right leg.

-Don't worry, it's just old age.

-My left leg's as old, I don't get it in that!

OK, you win. Sister, would you give her some tablets for it?

Yes, Doctor. Come along. Thank you. See you tomorrow!

-Who's next, Sister?

-Mr Pullen for his hormone injections.

You can bring Mr Pullen in, nurse.

Come along, now - you're next.

Up we get. That's it. Now, hold on tight round my waist.

Not too tight.

Stop it! Behave yourself.

Yes, I know what you'd like to do to me. Isn't he awful? At his age!

Take Dr Stoppidge back and return for me. Come on, Fosdick.

-Good morning.

-Morning.

-Mrs Moore is ready for you. Go on in.

-Thank you.

Dear Mrs Moore. You're looking well today. How are you feeling?

Wonderful.

I had no idea having one's appendix out could be so exhilarating. I feel years younger!

Splendid, splendid!

-Be honest now - do I look 40?

-You really feel as young as that?

No, that's what I am!

Yes, I was just joking. So, you're leaving today?

-I'm not sorry. This bed's OK but I miss my slap and tickle.

-W-what?

-Slap and Tickle - my Siamese always sleep on my bed.

-Of course.

I'm grateful for everything. They told me you were a wonderful surgeon.

I suppose I am a CUT above the rest.

You know, I've been thinking. I would like to show my appreciation.

Now, just because you're a widow, I shouldn't take advantage of you.

Oh, I don't mind...now and then.

Well, there is something I would... like to do.

-Yes.

-For many years now, I've had a dream.

A dream that would bring hope to millions of suffering people.

The Frederick Carver Foundation.

Is that a sort of corset?

No, no, a private clinic. But, alas, it would be a costly project -

-Five hundred thou...

-I wasn't thinking of financial appreciation. I don't do that.

How modest. And the medical mission you set up in the Beatific Islands?

But my husband died there and I was showing my gratitude.

-For the way they cared for him!

-Quite.

Dr Clarke to Reception.

Hello, Doctor, another bill for ya.

-Wotcha, Jim.

-Hello, Henry.

-Swotting up on anatomy?

I could do with surgical equipment like that.

-Fed up?

-You're joking! I'm getting fed up with this place, Henry.

To specialise - that's what I want.

Harley Street with lovely, rich women patients.

-What specialism?

-The thing I'm good at gets you struck off!

He's my patient.

Fancy a game of diagnosis?

-What, with him? Half a dollar?

-Right.

-Let's see.

Sallow complexion, droopy eyelids.

-I'd say pernicious anaemia.

-Sorry. Cirrhosis.

Damn. How about that one?

-Double or quits.

-Not one of ours.

-Go on, have a go.

-All right.

-I'd say a slipped disc.

-Never!

Must be haemorrhoids, and a very bad case too.

Let's ask him.

Sir, we're doing spot diagnoses and I was wondering if you could help.

I say haemorrhoids and he thinks slipped disc. Could you tell us?

Let me see. You thought it's a slipped disc.

Right. I'm afraid you're wrong.

-And you thought haemorrhoids.

-Right.

-You were wrong.

-Well, what then?

-I thought I was going to break wind.

I was wrong!

Dr Nookey to Casualty, please.

See you, Henry.

-What is it, Matron?

-Accident at the advertising film studio.

Just coming in now.

-Something the matter?

-I've just seen you on a pin-up calender.

Oh, I did model, but not for long.

Those photographers expect too much for their money!

What an extraordinary coincidence.

I just thinking I could do with a bit of...

Yes, well. What happened to you?

-Here's the accident report, Doctor.

-Thank you.

Miss Locks. Bruising and possible fracture.

That's right, I was posing on this enormous packet and I fell.

Oh, I see...I think.

We'll need a closer look at you.

If you would, Matron.

Cor!

-What's wrong?

-Nothing. It's all marvellous.

Where are your clothes, Miss Locks?

This is all I had on, for an advertisement.

What were you advertising?

Bristol's Bouncing Baby Food.

-I can see the connection.

-I can't see any sign of bruising, Doctor.

I fell on my bottom. There's nothing in front.

-I wouldn't say that.

-Ooh, cheeky!

-I think we'd better turn you over.

-Turn over please. Miss Locks.

Cor!

-Can you see them?

-Ooh, yes, not 'alf!

Um, yes, nasty, very nasty.

Tell me if this hurts, would you?

-Ooh, haven't you got hot hands?

-Oh, I wouldn't say that.

I don't think there's a fracture.

Do you feel any fever or giddiness?

Yes, I'm a bit...

I meant Miss Locks!

Oh, we'd better check. Turn over again, please.

That one's fine.

-Do you want an X-ray?

-Pardon?

Do you wish an X-ray?!

Ow! Yes, as soon as possible, please, Matron.

Thank you. Well, it's the pulse now. May I have your hand, please?

-Shouldn't it be my wrist?

-Oh, of course.

We'll get the results soon.

I hope I'm OK. I've got a screen test tomorrow.

-What's your first name?

-Goldie.

-Goldie!

-Oh...Goldie Locks!

-I know, it's shocking. But I got stuck with it.

-Well, what's your real name then?

-Maud. Maud Boggins.

Oh, never mind, eh? Goldie's a nice name.

What's your name?

Jimmy. Jimmy Nookey.

Not much better off!

Goldie, how about going out with me one evening?

-What for?

-Well, a spot of dinner, dancing and stuff.

-Dinner and dancing, but nothing else!

-Oh, I know.

< Long as you know.

-There we are. No fracture.

-Good.

-Yippee! No fracture!

-There will be if you keep going.

-Can I go now?

-There's no hurry. Would you like a look around?

-All right.

-We'll start with my room.

-I've seen a room.

Here, I like your telly.

Do you? I'll show you what's on.

Let's see.

Contact.

And now before your very eyes! Our Genuine Chinese Spare Ribs.

-The profile. Go on, ask me the time.

-What's the time?

Four twenty-five.

-Have a go!

-Yeah.

Whoops.

-How do I look?

-Boney, don't know what I see in you.

Ooh, I wish I could see myself.

Oh, I might be able to get a print of this.

Let's see.

MACHINERY WHIRRS

Now say cheese!

Oh! Help! Oh!

Stay...stay where you are. I'll pull the main fuse out!

Coming!

BELLS RING

I don't know how one man created such chaos!

We didn't recover until today.

I know, sir. I just can't help myself.

You're always helping yourself!

Sir, must we prolong this? I'll just resign.

There's no need for that! Everyone has a bit of fun now and again.

Do they?

I think you could help me. I've got a bit of a sex problem myself.

Oooh! Well, you don't have to around here, sir!

There's a nurse in Ward B...

No! Not the physical side. I know what's what and where's where.

-You can't be a surgeon without noticing.

-No, sir.

No. A lady I'm taking to dinner, frankly I want to...

-impress her.

-You're on the make.

-Yes! No! In a manner of speaking.

I haven't had much experience.

Oh, I see, sir.

If I were you, as soon as you'd sat her down I'd give her the business.

-Sitting down?!

-Chat her up, a bit of flannel.

How beautiful you are. What big eyes you have, and other things.

-I can't say big other things!

-You HAVEN'T had much experience.

-No.

How about if I jot down lines for you to try out?

You'd do that for me? That would be most kind, Doctor.

-Is Doctor Nookey still in there?

-Yes.

-I'd hate to be in his shoes.

-It's time he's taken down a peg or two.

-That will give you great pleasure.

'I've got to say it. You are a wonderful person!

'Your eyes...

'Oh, I'm filled with ecstasy!

-'Now hold hands. That's good.

-What a lovely little hand you have.

-'Kiss, kiss, kiss. ..I adore you.

-I adore you!'

Jolly good, sir. By this time she'll be on the run! Please go on.

Darling, I must tell you. Now you do something exciting to me!

Eh? No, look. Darling, I must tell you now. You do something exciting to me.

Oh! Sorry! Yes.

-We've known each other for four whole weeks.

-Yeah.

-Is it a record?

-The longest time I've had without getting somewhere.

What do mean? We went to Bognor last Sunday!

-You know what I mean.

-Yeah, but I don't want to spoil it, Jim.

Silly - it likes to be spoilt.

-Um, have you ever thought of getting married?

-Married, what for?

Oh, never mind.

Look at that couple!

-Something wrong?

-Oh, no, no. I just dropped something.

-Got it?

Yes, thank you. Ellen, my dear, you look ravishing tonight!

Oh, Frederick, how very nice of you.

Yes. ..Mmm, Matron looks charming over there, out of uniform.

-This is the happiest moment of my life!

-I'd taste it first, mate.

Yes. Of course, thank you.

Ellen, my dear...to you.

And to you, I'm sure.

-Quite nice.

-Yes.

-You won't have to worry much longer about getting nowhere.

-Really?

I've had an offer to go to Italy. Filming.

-Italy! But that's miles away.

-Oh, clever boy.

-Oh, no, Goldie, Do you want to go?

-No, but I do have to support myself.

-Being a single girl.

-Oh, hell. There must be some way around this.

Yes, well, you're the doctor. Suggest something!

-I've got it.

-Yes, Jim? There's

-a job going here, in the office.

You make me so mad!

Next - a general excuse-me.

Excuse ME!

May I, Doctor?

Miss Fosdick looks quite gay, doesn't she?

-OVER THE MUSIC:

-My dear...

I can't tell you how much tonight means to me.

Just to see your lovely face.

Pardon?

To hear your lovely voice. Must you play so blasted loud?

-I can hardly hear myself think!

-Go on, Frederick.

-Go on?

-With what you were saying.

Oh, yes. Oh, I've dropped my napkin. Excuse me.

-Your eyes...

-Frederick! I don't know if you're after me or my money,

but put that piece of paper down and stop messing about.

Dr Stoppidge!

-Miss Armitage is having one of her turns.

-Oh, no.

-Excuse me, sir.

-Of course, Doctor, run along.

SCREAMING

Stay there!

Oh, death before dishonour.

Keep that nasty lecher away from me!

-Who does she mean?

-You, Doctor.

Oh, I didn't think it showed.

It's that incident with Dr Nookey. Thinks every man's after her.

Well, she's disturbing the other patients.

Now come, don't be a silly girl!

Keep back! Keep back!

You know me. I'm Doctor Stoppidge.

Huh! You're all the same, you're only after one thing.

No, not true, Miss Armitage. I only want to get you into bed.

Get out!

Sex maniac!

It's Dr Nookey's fault. The sooner he goes the better.

You didn't help matters, Doctor.

-Is a private room free?

-Number ten.

-Put her in there tonight.

I'll give you a sedative for her.

Right. Use these. She'll think it's the Pill - never mind.

Thank you.

-There we are, my dear.

-Thank you.

-I was wondering if you could help me.

-I'd do anything for you - you know that, my dear.

-You see, I'm in trouble.

-I don't think I could do anything like that.

-You don't know yet! It's that medical mission of mine in the Islands.

-I see! How can I help?

We lost our resident doctor and I haven't been able to replace him.

-Not surprising! Any doctor would be foolish to bury himself in such a dump!

-Can't you find me someone?

I don't know anyone so STUPID.

I don't know, though. Dr Nookey!

-Yes, sir.

-How would you like a good job with a medical mission abroad?

A medical mission? Abroad? You must be joking!

-LAUGHING:

-A medical mission!

See! And they don't come stupider than him!

Well, if you can't do that to help ME, why should I help you?

-Don't be like that...

-It isn't much!

-No, and I promise I'll do my best to find someone.

You'd better.

-And a fruit cup, sir.

-Thank you very much indeed. Oh!

-Hello!

-How's that, sir?

-Well, I do like a bit of meat.

-Yes.

SLOW, SMOOCHY MUSIC

Sorry I've been so long. Right, ham and turkey for you and one for me.

-I'm sorry, it's only fruit cup.

-No thanks, I have to watch my figure.

-It's well worth watching!

-Or I blow up like a balloon.

-I know a good game with balloons! Cheers!

-Cheers!

As I was saying...

HE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS

That's pretty good stuff! Mmm!

You'll be all right now. There are no men in this room.

Nurse.

HIS SHOUTS ACCOMPANY JAZZY MUSIC

-DRUNKENLY:

-I'm very sorry!

-The boss has got a beady eye on you.

-You know what he can do with it!

-Ooh!

-Yeah, that wine cup must have been good. Have you forgotten you're driving me home?

-It's OK.

-What about the breathalyser?

-I can still breathe!

Never mind, I'll walk home.

-No! I've got an idea. Stay here.

-And where am I going to sleep if that's not a silly question?!

I've got it all worked out. There's a private room empty. N-number ten.

-I dunno. Is it allowed?

-W-well, of course! W-who's to know? Come on, quick, before the rush.

-Jim. This isn't such a good idea.

-Nonsense! It's a great idea.

-But I haven't got a nightie.

-I have.

-A nightie?

-No, I'll lend you my jypamas.

-PYJAMAS!

-That's right - jypamas.

-Go and get undressed and I'll bring them.

-Jim, we don't want to spoil things.

-We won't spoil them - they're nylon, drip dry!

-I didn't mean the pyjamas.

Shh! Now this is the room.

-N-number ten. I'll go and get them and we can have a little...

-Jim, not that old bit!

Shh! I love you. B-back soon.

HE HUMS MERRILY

Come on, where are you?

Ah! Moet, me old chum. Your hour has come.

Taxi will be here in a minute, Miss.

Oh, thank you. Would you get this to Dr Nookey first thing tomorrow?

Certainly, Miss. Thank you.

HE CONTINUES TO HUM

Ah, you're in bed, eh? Won't be a sec.

J-just a drop of passion juice to get us in the mood, eh?

CORK POPS Aargh!

It's all right! It's only the cork!

-I said it's only the...

-SHE SCREAMS

-Ah!

Oh n-no, n-not you again!

-SHE SCREAMS HYSTERICALLY

-No, shush! I don't want you. I want Goldie.

-SCREAMS CONTINUE

-The private patient's suite. Quick!

Goldie! Where are you?

Gol-die!

Gol-die!

-I might have known.

-Get back you... Carver! Or I'll chop your head off!

-Get him! He's mad!

-Anyone for Casualty?

Goldie! Goldie, where are you?

Gol-die!

CRASH Help!

-Goldie?

-Ouch, ouch! Help!

Goldie?

Goldie!

Gol...Aargh!

Aaaah!

Look out!

Oh, no!

HE GIGGLES

Dr Nookey says he went to the private ward to see his girlfriend.

-That is correct.

-But if there was a girlfriend, why did she disappear?

Can't always knock down a coconut!

Hmm. I think he means that he had arranged a clandestine meeting with the girl, who then changed her mind.

Quite. We shouldn't condemn him because he made the wrong diagnosis of what is, or is not, crumpet.

"I'm sorry, darling. I guess I'm just an old-fashioned girl at heart.

"And I just don't like wearing jypamas!

"Goodbye. It's been fun.

"Goldie."

Well, he cannot be allowed to practise in any hospital.

Of course not. But let me talk with him, as I may have a solution to satisfy everyone -

with the exception of Dr Nookey!

All right, Mr Carver.

-Bad news, sir?

-Disastrous!

You're up the alimentary canal without a paddle!

The medical council, then?

No. I think I can dissuade the board - provided you clear off abroad somewhere.

-Where?

-There's that job with the medical mission.

-I have not sunk that low.

-I suppose there ARE other jobs for ex-doctors.

W-w-where is this...mission?

Asia Bay in the Beatific Islands. Very good salary, too!

The Beatific Islands? That doesn't sound too bad.

Imagine it, Nookey. A tropical paradise. Beautiful warm seas.

The smell of oleander. Dusky maidens. Great big coconuts.

Oh. I love great big...coconuts.

-No shortage of them! The heat has a funny effect!

-W-when can I go?

-Right away!

-I couldn't do that, sir. I've got things to buy and to pack.

Shall we say...half an hour?

The Beatific Islands(!) Someone has a sense of humour!

-Are you sure we're in the right country?

-Yes.

-All right, Dr Cookey!

-Nookey, mate. Nookey!

-Yes, Cookey.

Look!

There's medical mission.

Oh, gawd blimey!

Come on.

Well, give us a push!

Watch it! There's a crocogator!

Wait, please. I get mission orderly - Mr Gladstone.

Mr Gladstone! Mr Gladstone!

Gladstone?

Big doctor from England come!

I was just breaking in a new nurse! Showing her where everything goes!

-This, Dr Kinky.

-Cookey! No! I mean Nookey!

-I've been sent to take over this mission.

-They didn't tell me.

-That's obvious.

-Welcome to Azure Bay, doc. May the fertility of Sumaka swell your coconuts.

-Pardon?

-A local greeting. Nothing personal!

-I'm the orderly - Gladstone Screwer.

-Screwer?

-People call me Gladstone.

I'm not surprised.

-Well, may I come in?

-Oh, yes!

Chop! Chop!

Argh!

I'm sorry about that. It's woodworm.

-Ooh!

-You all right?

-Just a slight compound fracture(!)

-Would you like to see the doctor?

-I was only jo... You already have a doctor here?

-Well, a local medicine man.

-A witch doctor?

-What, doctor?

-Witch doctor.

-Yes! Very good for witches!

Ha! Would you like to look round the mission?

No. Tomorrow morning will do. I need a good sleep.

-I see you've got a hammock.

-I wouldn't...

Oh, well. He shouldn't last too long.

INSECT BUZZES

BUZZING CONTINUES

SQUIRT!

Good morning, Mr Gladstone. Morning.

-Morning, doc. Have a good sleep?

-No. I didn't.

-Those damn mosquitos!

-Right. It's the drains.

-What's wrong with them?

-We haven't got any.

-Why not? What do you do with Mrs Moore's money?

You know, there's always lots of important medical supplies to be bought...

-It hasn't been spent on decoration.

-Coffee, doc?

-Thank you.

-Coconut?

-No. I'll have it black.

Mmmm. Unusual flavour.

Yes. Locally made from beetles.

-Beetles?

-Betel nuts, that is.

-That's better.

Yeah. The women roast the nuts, crush them in their teeth, then spit them out on mats to dry.

Fascinating. I'm glad they get good drying weather. I've only seen rain.

-It only rains for nine months of the year.

-Nine months?

-We're in the pregnant belt.

-And the other three months?

-That's the hurricane period.

-Marvellous(!) Rain and hurricanes.

The natives call these islands All Pees Na Fafa.

-All Rain And Wind.

-Charming. Well, what time is surgery?

-Any time you like, doc. Nobody ever comes.

-What?

-Well, they don't believe in white man's medicine.

-Why am I here?

-There's bags to do! Swimming, if you don't mind sharks!

-And indoor sports - I could fix you up with a bit of cr...

-No. Thank you.

Hang on. We've got a jigsaw puzzle here.

Queen Victoria and her family! 500 pieces.

No - 499. One dropped down the wotsit.

Look, what is the good of spending all this money on medicine?

There's masses of it.

Just look at that!

Whisky? Where did that come from?

That... That came from an old wreck.

-What old wreck?

-The last doctor we had!

-Ha! Ha! Ha!

-This is ridiculous! Just look at this place! It's a...

There's nothing in there. What...?

-I thought you said there were no patients.

-They're not patients, doc.

-What are they doing here?

-They're my wives and kids.

-Your wives?

Only these five. I'll introduce you.

There's Monday...Tuesday...

..Wednesday, Thursday...

-And last, but not least...

-Friday.

-That's it.

At least YOU know what to do with your spare time.

But there's not much doing at the weekend!

I hope you don't mind them stopping here, doc.

It does save me a long walk to the village.

And I see you need every ounce of your strength!

Did the last doctor leave this here?

-That IS the last doctor.

-That does it!

Call me in a couple of weeks!

If you last that long!

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ooh!

Twit!

My dear, it'll make a marvellous private clinic.

20 bedrooms, the attic studio as an operating theatre and magnificent drawing rooms!

-If I put up the money. What do I get out of it?

-A partnership of course. You know that.

-I haven't said yes yet.

-You said if I find a doctor for your mission...

I don't even know if he's all right. I haven't heard from him. Anything might be happening.

DRUMS BEAT CONTINUOUSLY OUTSIDE

Breakfast, doc?

-Good news. The rain's stopped. The hurricanes are here.

-I had noticed.

Doc. Why don't you go home? This place is no good to you.

There's nothing to go home for, Gladstone. Nobody loves me.

You'll go barmy if you stay here. My father did. He was a missionary.

Missionaries are good men.

People love them.

Oh, Gladstone. Why do you stay here yourself?

-I was born here. I don't know any different. I get enough for my needs.

-In the hospital, eh?

A bit of that wouldn't do you any harm. These jigsaw puzzles can't replace the other.

No. I only want one woman.

-To start with, yes.

-I didn't mean that.

-Listen to me!

We have a bird here, unattached - beautiful!

-And I'm already doing a five-day week.

-No, no, no...

-Listen.

She'd do anything for you - absolutely anything.

-Anything?

-Anything.

Ooh, I could do with a bit...hic! ..of help with my jigsaw!

That a boy, doc. I'll bring her in. Scrubber!

Scrubber? That's a funny name for a girl!

-What's up? Don't you like?

-Ooh, no.

No! It's just that she's... Could we be alone for a few moments?

-Yes! I'll be back in a minute.

-No! You and me!

Oh. I see. All right, then. Ktanga bulat.

-Something's bothering you, doc.

-Well... It's just that...

She's charming, but not quite what I expected.

-She's not big enough for you.

-On the contrary!

-She's like the original white man's burden!

-What? We like them big!

A woman's attraction is judged by her size.

I'm certain her mantelpiece is stuffed with trophies.

You see, where I come from, we like them sort of more...

M... Just a minute.

See? More like THAT!

-Straight?

-With a bit of a wiggle here and there.

Preferably there!

Amazing, innit? If that's what you want, give us a week.

Gladstone, what's the point...?

-Oh, those damn drums! Why do they keep pounding...?

-Sssh!

DRUMS CONTINUE Hang on.

Gladstone, where are you going?

Gladstone?

-Gladstone...

-Ssssh!

DRUMS BEAT It can't be.

What's wrong?

"Manchester United, six.

"Chelsea, one."

DRUMS CONTINUE

"Arsenal, five.

"Wolves, nil."

Wait here.

Is Mr Carver in?

Yes, he is. He's seeing someone. That's right. Me.

Take a breath and don't breathe out until I say so.

Good. Now...

Oh, my dear! How fortunate. I've got the contract for the house...

-Look at this!

-"Gladstone Screwer"?

-The orderly at the mission. Read it.

"Madam, it is with great regret

"that I write to inform you of the disgraceful behaviour of Dr Nookey.

"He's done nothing but drink whisky and...debauch women!

"Unless he's recalled, both will soon be exhausted.

"He's neglected his duties

-"and the natives are dying like flies."

-Flies!

Flies. Yes.

SPLUTTER

All right. You can breathe out now.

Over-susceptible.

-I had a premonition.

-I don't know what to do.

-Well, do something.

-I'll write a stiff letter - on cardboard!

-You have to find another doctor.

-I had enough trouble getting him there.

-Shall I tear this up?

-Wait!

-I'll fly out there. How about that?

-Very well. So long as it's right away.

Doc? Hey, Dr Nookey!

-Is that Goldie?

-No. It's me, Gladstone.

I bought that bird back, Scrubber.

-Oh, no.

-Yes. You'll like her this time. Scrubber!

No. No. No.

I told you last week. All I want...

-Is that the same woman?

-Of course.

But last week she was as big as... with the...

-Now! How did she do it?

-The doctor gave her some stuff.

-Medicine?

-Yeah.

I know women back home who'd give a fortune for that stuff! A fortune!

-That is it!

-You all right, doc?

-Fine. How does he make that stuff?

Oh, a little juice from the banyan tree, parrot droppings, gnats' milk.

-Could I make it?

-No. There's an art to it. Have you milked a gnat?

-But if I were to pay for it, would he give it to me?

-Pay?

-Yes. Money. Ackers!

How about 100 English cigarettes a bottle?

-Cigarettes?

-That's the usual currency here.

-200 if you like!

It's a deal! Here we are - twice daily for a week injected. Cigarettes?

No. I'll give them to him to make certain of a regular supply.

That doctor I told you about is me!

You?

Him? I might have known it!

There! There's plenty more coming so get out your milking stool!

INAUDIBLE

Can she do something to please you?

Oh, no, no.

Yes! Yes, there is!

-What?

-She can help me pack. I'm going back home!

Thank you, George. I shall be going back to the clinic at twelve.

WOMEN CHATTER

THEY ALL SHOUT AT ONCE

There he is!

-Thank you Miss Filkington-Battermore.

-Diedre.

Oh, Diedre, yes. I don't know what I would have done without you.

One should do everything one can to please one's employer.

I mean, when one doesn't do all that silly typing and shorthand,

one has to make up for it in other ways, doesn't one?

Well, I expect so. Yes. I suppose it's about time we got down to it.

Anything you say, Doctor.

-I'm ready.

-Good.

I meant to go through the letters!

Oh! I should point out that I like my employers to make their needs absolutely clear, Doctor.

Well, now, er...

-HIGH-PITCHED

-Are these all...?

-Are these applications for treatment?

-Yes, Doctor.

What time's my first appointment?

In ten minutes, Doctor.

So if there's anything else you want...

Well, as a matter of fact, I... I would like to look at my paper.

It's there for you, Doctor.

Oh, yes. I know it is!

Oh, the paper! Th... Thank you very much.

What's this? "Well-known surgeon saved!"

"Mr Frederick Carver, eminent British surgeon,

"boarding a plane for England.

"Mr Carver was a survivor of the Bella Vista which floundered in a hurricane off the Beatific Isles."

Keep the change.

Mr Carver, sir!

Welcome back! You're looking so well.

Never mind that! Where's Dr Nookey? Where is he?

-He's not been here.

-What do you mean...?

-Oh!

Be off with you. There are no beds here for vagrants.

Vagrants?! Who's that?

-The new matron, sir.

-What happened to Miss Soaper?

-She left three months ago.

-Why? What's going on? Where's Dr Stoppidge?

He'll be in his... in YOUR office, sir.

In MY office indeed?!

Hello, sir. You're back!

-Why are you lolling around my office?

-They asked me to take over.

-We didn't know if you were coming back.

-I nearly didn't!

I know! All those dusky beauties. Pretty hot stuff!

I was three months on that wretched island. All of them in bed, trying to stop them scratching!

I'd no idea they were so passionate.

-They had chicken pox. So did I.

-You must have had it before.

I've never had it. Never had time to have it.

When I got off the island, the boat sank!

-How awful!

-You know who's responsible - Nookey!

He'll never practise medicine again! He won't get a job curing kippers!

-Oh. Then, you haven't heard, sir.

-Heard what?

-He's on the way to making a fortune.

-What?

He's discovered a cure for chronic over-weight.

-He couldn't discover a soft cushion to cure a boil on the backside!

-It's been in all the papers.

-Fancy consulting rooms, country clinic...

-Where'd he get the money from?

-He's gone into partnership with the wealthy widow, Mrs Moore.

-Oh, no!

I'm afraid so, sir. There's a picture of their new clinic there.

That's the place she was going to buy for ME!

He must be making a fortune!

Gladstone, we'll have to get in on this!

Saturday! Oi!

Yes, dear? Did you call?

Yes. I'm taking a trip. That's nice.

Would you like me to come? No. You have a rest.

"Come unto us all you who are heavy laden."

Eugh!

In our first three months, we've cleared ten thousand!

So that's what they mean by living off the fat of the land!

Jim, I'm so glad you came to me with this.

It was fated - us to get together.

Now, Helen, this is purely a business partnership.

I MEAN business, believe me!

-Yes, well...about these clinics.

-I've decided.

-Yes?

-I WANT to have it off.

-What?

-I want to have the cure.

-Oh, that! How about next Monday? The stuff should have arrived by then.

-What stuff?

-Oh, I use certain things in my serum that I have to order from abroad.

-And they haven't come?

-No.

-I've sent a cable. ..Come in!

-KNOCK KNOCK

-Doctor. Mr Carver's here.

-Hello. This looks like trouble.

When he saw I was here, he practically blew his top!

-You're not afraid of Frederick?

-Me? Ha ha! Yes!

-Why?

It was my fault he went to Devil's Island.

Leave it to me. It just needs tact and understanding.

Well! Well! Well! Talk about bad pennies turning up!

Traitress! Jezebel! Viper in my bosom!

We'll have none of that filthy talk here!

What have you done to me? This was to be my dream - a temple dedicated to advanced surgery.

You turned it into a lard-removing factory.

How dare you say that? Jim's doing wonderful work.

Oh! It's "Jim" now, is it? Oh!

So he's after you, too! He's even madder than I thought!

Dr Nookey and I enjoy a business relationship - HE enjoys it. I can't say I do.

I'm going to expose him for the fake that he is.

You're always exposing something. And you haven't even seen what he's doing.

I don't need to. I've seen enough. "All you who are heavy laden!"

-Disgusting!

-Do you want to see around?

-Well, now that I'm here.

-Right. The befores first.

-What?

The clinic is divided into two sections.

Before...and after.

Good grief! It gets worse and worse.

-If he asks, tell him I've gone to town for a year or two!

-Yes, Doctor.

Dr Nookey!

-I wanted a word with you.

-I know what a mess I got you into with the mission...

Don't worry. It was entirely my fault for sending you out there.

A waste of a valuable talent.

-Eh?

-You're doing a wonderful job.

Excellent results. How do you actually do it?

It's just an injection - a serum, sir.

A serum? Really? What's in it?

-A hundred guineas a week!

-I didn't mean that...? A hundred guineas? That is interesting!

Naturally, the formula is a secret.

Naturally! You don't want every Tom, Dick and Harry cashing in on it!

Just a select few members of the medical profession!

-We don't need any more partners, if that's what you mean.

-Of course not.

I'll be getting on. Carry on the good work. You have my full support.

-What's up with him?

-You mean, what's HE up to?

He must have picked it up in the Beatific Islands.

"Natural Diseases And Their Remedies".

"Ancient Tribal Medicine". "The Arts Of The Witch Doctor".

Nookey goes out there an ignorant idiot and comes back a productive genius.

-I must know his cure.

-You need someone IN his clinic.

-But who could I trust?

-Me.

-But he knows you.

In any case, they're only taking women at the moment.

Yes...

Yes! He'd never suspect a woman, would he?

No. Of course he wouldn't. But who could be the woman? Ha ha ha!

-KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

-Come in.

Oh, Doctor. Miss Madder has arrived. She's in her room.

-Madder?

-Melody Madder.

-Oh! The film star from Italy!

Get the scales ready, Matron.

-By the way, Mr Carver's bringing a Lady Puddleton for treatment.

-We're full, Doctor.

But I owe the old basket a favour. I'll try to talk them out of it.

No-one will get treatment if Gladstone doesn't send some stuff soon. What the devil's he up to?

Eight and six, guv. Eight and six?

Hang on. Eight and six, that's about 33, ain't it?

That's for you!

'Ere! Wait a minute!

-KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

-Come in.

Doctor, Miss Madder's here.

I'll be a moment. Please take your clothes off...

Same old Jim!

Goldie?

-Goldie!

-It's me all right.

-Don't you like it?

-Yes. Yes. I do. But, Melody Madder?

That was the studio's idea. Still, it's better than Goldie Locks!

But why didn't you tell me?

I wasn't sure I wanted to see you again. Then the studio said I had to get weight off and here I am!

You're joking! You think I'd sabotage that gorgeous figure?

It may be gorgeous to you, but it's unfashionable.

In case you hadn't noticed, the bone has replaced the boobs!

You're not going to Italy. You're staying here with me.

-No, I've waited too long for this!

-And I've waited too long, too.

Now... You stay away from me, Jim.

-I don't want to.

-You're not getting away from me again, Goldie!

Do you MIND? As a matter of fact, I don't.

Well, I DO. How about it, then?

Who are you? Why are you here? Screwer - Gladstone Screwer.

Gladstone...? Oh. Well, I'm the matron here.

Miss Soaper. Soaper? I don't like that.

I'll call you Sunday!

Well, I won't be in.

Dr Nookey's been worried about you. This way, please.

Gladstone!

That's a new one on me!

W-w-what are you doing here?

That's her! The flat one with a bit of here and there!

Is that how you refer to me?

No. I'll explain later. Matron, take Miss Madder to her room.

-Gladstone, why haven't you sent the stuff this month?

-Stuff? The stuff you were so clever to discover?

That wasn't my idea. You know what newspapers are like.

-Big pieces of paper with print all over.

-Why didn't you send it?

I thought I'd bring it, as it's making all that money!

You brought it? Good old Gladstone! You didn't have to go to all that trouble.

-No trouble! I enjoyed the trip.

-And you'll want to enjoy the trip back.

-No rush. I thought I'd stay a little.

-No. You can't. You'd hate it!

And I don't suppose you brought your wives with you.

I've only got one left - Saturday. Miss Fosdick, old Carver's secretary.

She got rid of the others. Said she wasn't going to queue up! Whisky?

-No. This stuff.

-Let's drink to our new partnership.

-P-partnership?

-That's when you split it all 50-50!

I couldn't do that, Gladstone. I've got a partner already.

But I could increase the payments! King size cigarettes?

-Half the money and I'll buy me own smokes!

-I can't do that, Gladstone.

-I'm sure you'll agree.

-You won't give me the stuff unless I do?

No! I wouldn't do a rotten thing like that!

Hang on. That's the one!

-Thanks. But no partnership! Definitely!

-We'll see tomorrow!

It looks a bit thicker than usual.

The gnats' milk can get a bit rich.

-KNOCK KNOCK

-Come in.

Excuse me. Mr Carver's just driven up.

Carver? I'd like to see him again!

No. It's not the same Carver. It's another bloke. You just sit there.

WHISPERS

Matron wondered if you'd like to go to her room with her.

-All right. I'll just finish me drink.

-She can't wait -

for you to finish it.

This way. Down the corridor. Please hurry!

Swinging Britain? This is ridiculous!

-Keep him here till Carver's gone.

-Yes. This way.

-It's you, sir. Do come in.

-I have a rather important patient for you.

Lady Puddleton, don't be shy.

I'd be very grateful if you took her on. She's very distinguished.

-This is Dr Nookey, my dear.

-How do you do?

-Oh, hello!

-You can see Her Ladyship's trouble - top heavy.

-The top is heavy.

-It is heavy.

It gets in the way of her horse's head.

Can't see where you're going! I hope you'll start treatment right away.

We're full at the moment. Do you mind sharing?

Oh, no. As long as it's with another man.

-Pardon?

-Your ladyship! You can't do that here!

You know these country folk!

Off the horse and on the job! I'll leave you with Dr Nookey! Thank you.

-Good luck, Lady Puddleton.

-Wait!

I can't share a room!

-Undressing!

-She'll have nothing to surprise YOU.

-I'll have something to surprise HER.

Anyway, I'll come back later to see you.

-And we can leave together if you've already had it.

-Had it?

-Had what?

-The treatment, you fool.

Don't worry, my dear. Dr Nookey will take care of you.

-Of course. She'll be all right with me.

-Thank you.

-You must try to relax, Lady Puddleton. I guarantee...

-Doctor!

Doctor Nookey! I must talk to you at once!

Very well, Matron. In my office, please.

-Excuse me, Lady Puddleton. I won't be moment. Sit here.

-Thank you.

CREAKING

CREAKING

Don't wait, Doctor. I'm quite all right.

CREAKING

-Funny woman. Well, Matron, what's your problem?

-I cannot stay with that man any longer!

-Well, Carver's gone now. What happened?

-I'd rather not say. All he thinks about is whisky and sex.

-On his island, you can't get soda!

-That's not funny, Doctor.

-He shouldn't be here with all these women.

-I aim to get rid of him soon.

-But something worries me more.

-Yes, Doctor?

That Lady Puddleton. There is something very peculiar about her.

It's old Stoppidge! I'll be damned!

-So that's what they're up to.

-Fancy Mr Carver doing that.

-You'll get rid of him at once!

-Yes. No!

-No.

He came for the treatment. And he's gonna get it - the full treatment.

We'll teach him and Gladstone a lesson they'll never forget!

-There you are, Gladstone!

-Hello, doc.

Hello, nurse.

We're full up at the moment. But Matron says that you can sleep in her room tonight.

That's real hospitality. I am moving in with Nurse Trumper!

-What's she? Frigid?

-The women over here aren't quite so uninhibited, Gladstone!

-What about this submissive society?

-There is one women here who definitely fancies you.

-Only one?

-This will be enough. Her name's Lady Puddleton.

-Tallish woman. Thin faced. Glasses.

-I've seen her. The one with the big...

That's him - her! Not much to look at, mind.

We don't bother about looks - our nights are very dark!

Lady Puddleton, have you met Mrs Moore?

How do you do? You'll be sharing her room.

-We have a mutual friend, Lady Puddleton. Mr Carver.

-Indeed.

Such a charming man. Have you known him long?

Rather! We roomed together at medical school.

Good evening, ladies. I'm pleased to say your big moment has arrived.

As soon as you're all in bed, I shall be round to give you your first injection. Off you go, ladies.

Except Miss Madder and Lady Puddleton.

Jim, I'm definitely having that treatment!

-Of course. It's just that you have yet to be weighed.

-Oh.

-That's all right.

-If you both go with Matron and do it now - stripped, of course.

-Lady Puddleton.

-I can't undress in front of other people.

-Why not?

-You see, I've got rather...

-WHISPERS

-You have, haven't you?

Nobody's going to look. After all, it's all girls together, eh?

Come on!

Your tyres are a bit flat...

Have you met Mr Screwer, Lady Puddleton?

How do you do? See you later in Matron's room!

-Come on, Lady Puddleton.

-I'm going to bed.

Do what the doctor says. I can wait!

-In you go, Lady Puddleton.

-I'd much rather...

Argh!

Blimey! She can't wait!

Good evening. Don't worry, just a little prick!

Oh, what a pretty nightdress, your ladyship! I always sleep in the raw.

My husband preferred it. He was an active man.

Oh! I wonder if you'd mind unhooking this for me.

Thank you so much. We shan't be needing these things much longer!

KNOCK KNOCK Come in.

Well! How are we getting on, then?

Like a house on fire!

I'll bet you two girls have plenty to talk about. Who's first?

-Me! Where do you have it?

-Face down on the bed.

-Oh, there!

Right, hold still now.

Now, it's your turn, Lady Puddleton.

Thank you, Matron.

No!

No. I can't have it there.

We put it where it won't be seen, your ladyship.

I'll have it in my arm. I keep that well covered!

Very well. If you wish.

Might I know what is in your serum?

Certainly! There's banyan tree juice, powdered parrot droppings and gnats' milk.

Of course, the proportions are a secret!

Good night, ladies. Sleep tight.

I'd love to watch those two for the rest of the night. Is that all?

-Only Miss Madder left, Doctor.

-I'll see to her, Matron.

-Yes, Doctor.

-Good night, Doctor.

-And you, Matron.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK Come in.

-Good evening, Miss Madder.

-Good evening, Doctor.

-Time for your injection. If you still want it!

-There's nothing else I'd rather have.

Right. Turn over, please.

I'll need your nightie pulled up.

-Go ahead. I'm sure you've had plenty of practice doing that.

-All right.

-Are you absolutely sure you want me to...?

-Absolutely!

All right, then.

Good night and good luck.

KNOCK KNOCK

Come right in, darling. Everything's re...

Oh. It's you. I'm sorry to disappoint you.

I require some night clothes.

Help yourself. You don't have to move out. It's a big bed.

As I said earlier, I'm not your sort of woman.

I'd marry you first!

Marry me in the middle of the night?

Well, it's a very simple ceremony.

Just cut our left hands, put them together, say "we are one" and it's legal!

- I see. Sort of instant wedlock! - We call it a bleeding ceremony.

They often call it that here, too.

You ready then? No!

I have no urge to marry you.

Don't worry! The urge comes later!

No. Thank you, but no!

You'll feel different when I'm a partner here.

Fortunately, that is something you will never be, Mr Screwer.

No?

I wouldn't be too sure about that!

There! Oh, that's better.

I wonder if you'd mind rubbing some talc on my back?

I'm ready.

-Oh, sir. Thank goodness you're here.

-What's happened?

-Nothing yet.

-Have you had it?

-Up to the neck!

-The treatment!

-I've had the lot!

-DOOR SLAMS

-Quick! In here!

-Well, what is it?

-It's an injection.

-Do you know what's in it?

-Yes. He told me.

-Marvellous! What is it?

-Let's see... Banyan tree juice, powdered parrots' milk and gnats' droppings.

-What?

-Or the other way round.

-You sure?

-That's what he told me!

You fool! He was having you on. I'll show him.

Next time you have an injection, pinch some of the stuff.

No! There won't be a next time. I'm not staying here!

-But you must.

-I can't. It's bad enough having to sleep with a woman!

-But there's a horrible man chasing me too.

-What man in his right mind would do that?

-Do you mind?

-He invited me to his room tonight.

-What's his name?

-Oh, it's Gladstone or something.

-Gladstone?

-It's all making sense.

-Not to me, it isn't.

Marvellous! And he wants you to go to his room tonight?

-Yes.

-Well, off you go.

-All right.

Go on! I'll be just out here!

Who is it?

Well, I'd almost given you up!

-I can't stay very long.

-As long as it's long enough!

-I feel weak from the injection.

-Lie down on the bed.

-What's in it.

-The bed?

-No! The injection!

-Who cares?

-I bet a clever man like you knows.

-Maybe.

Do tell!

I'll have to know you better first.

-What are you doing?

-Getting married!

-What?

-Just a quick slash!

-I don't want...to get married!

Suit yourself. Don't complain to me afterwards!

You mustn't. Stop it!

Cheeky! Come here!

Ah! Ha! Ha!

Hello?

Oh, blimey! It couldn't have been!

It was! Doctor Nookey! Doc!

Doctor Nookey!

Doctor Nookey! Doctor Nookey, where are ya?

Let's get out of here.

Doctor!

No good! In here!

All right. All right. What's wrong?

-That woman!

-Lady Puddleton.

-She's a fella.

-I know. How did you find out?

-I'd hate to tell ya.

-Where is she?

-Through there.

-Let's have a talk.

Look! The serum! Just what we've been looking for.

-Serum?

-Yeah.

-Well, what's in it?

-Search me. It might as well be gnats' milk.

-You've done analysis.

-Yes.

-Put some on your tongue, man. Taste it.

-Oh.

A-ha!

So that's your game!

-I'll trouble you for that bottle!

-No. The medical council will be interested in this.

-Dr Nookey's brilliant discovery(!)

-Can't we talk this over?

-No! Unless you're offering me a partnership.

-I've got a partner!

-I've got the stuff!

Oh, no, you haven't, mate. I have.

It isn't the weight-reducing serum?

-No. That stuff does something very queer.

-What does it do?

SCREAMING You're just about to find out!

-A sex change?

-Good gracious!

EVERYONE: Bye-bye! Bye-bye!

How about a kiss, Mrs Nookey?

Ooh! You didn't shave this morning.

Don't worry! I will before tonight!

Subtitles by BBC Subtitling - 1997