Gladiatress

This programme contains some strong language.

What's this place call itself?

It's called the Britain, Generalissimo.

And the people - they're rough?

Rough? No.

No! They're mad!

They shave all over the body.

They got justa moustaches.

-20 mile you say?

-Si.

And the women!

Caesar, the women!

They fight like-a the mens.

-The ladies like-a to fight?

-Si.

Get the ships.

This I gotta see.

Launch the ships! We go to the fight.

Hey! HEY!! Oh!

'But Caesar did not reckon on fighting the Dubunni,

'a tribe famed worldwide for their Celtic kick and their digging.

'And he did not reckon on fighting my sisters.

'The eldest, Princess Dwyfuc, noble and brave.'

HORN BLARES

'And babyless.

'The middle child, Smirgut the Fierce, whom we never speak of.

'For various reasons. And me, Worthaboutapig.

'Though, admittedly, I was probably less of a threat.

'But I was immensely popular in the village.'

Hi, guys, how are we today?

Go away!

'With the animals!'

Good, good.

-Morning!

-Argh!

Morning!

Nice top. Argh!

Sorry!

'I was a career bee herd.

'Did I tell you that?

'I loved my job.

'I was working on hypnotising the bees with a special language I had invented.'

Bahnala ornan assida gwynach!

'And then borrow their honey.

'They do everything I say.'

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ow! OW!

Ow! Ooh. Ooh!

'I remember that day was the day of the husband trials, and all the men were gorgeous!'

I am Drith, son of Froth of the Golden Knees.

My arm is smooth.

From my mighty organ,

a great white river flows, both in the morning and at night.

Always, my big moustache tastes of pork.

-Ooh, Drith's back.

-Thank you.

-Is this the last batch?

-Mm.

Seen anyone you fancy?

-Name?

-Vissel.

Seems a better standard than last year.

Please!

HE BREAKS WIND

Next!

I'd have done him! For the prestige.

Imagine it - I'd be Mrs Hairy Geordie Woman!

-I'd be somebody!

-Worthaboutapig!

-Yes, sorry.

-My problems first.

Of course.

This is Cax of the Belgae, ma'am.

Nice shoes.

Excuse me. What's wrong with him?

He doesn't speak.

What is it actually about men that you don't like?

Look at them - the flower of British manhood!

And the whole smooth thing - it's all wrong!

Their hair's in the wrong place.

You can't have sex with a man like that. It's like...

-kissing a seal.

-I'm never gonna live that down, am I? Twice! Twice!!

The first time was a dare.

Princess!

Princess Dwyfuc. Come quick!

There's a foreigner come, with huge, great big, hairy, wandering hands!

-Make way for Princess Dwyfuc.

-Morning!

Hello, all. Morning, all.

Hello, Mrs thingy-basket-woman.

How's the disease? Good.

Hello, you poorly little chap.

-How's the croup?

-Make way!

Princess coming through! Ow!

Ooh, look! A Gaul!

Isn't he Gaulean, Dwyfuc, Gaulean! Unusual.

Sister, don't talk to me in front of the people!

Sorry. Forgot.

Ye Gods!

It's detachable!

Not for me.

He's all yours.

What? Mine?

Mine?! What, really?

The Queen! The Queen!

All hail our Queen!

Where am I? What's going on?

We're outside now, ma'am.

You stand before Great Queen Tuathfhlaifthfth of the Dubonni.

-Eldest daughter?

-Yes, almighty Queen.

Stop licking my arse.

Our land stretches from farthest west to distant east.

From over there to over there.

Mighty are we, and none do we fear.

He can't understand! He's a Gaul!

Well, fetch the one who knows the language of the Gauls!

Yes!

Bonjour...

Monsieur.

Hm?

Sorry...a little slower.

The novels.

He comes from a land of giant cakes.

I know what he's saying, he says the Romans have landed.

Ssh, Pig, don't think he did.

Romans! Here?

Where?

-In Kent. Les Kents.

-Did you say "the Kents"?

Oui.

The Romans are attacking the Kents!

ALL: Yeah!!

We hate the Kents.

Look after him, sister.

I've got a husband to find.

Knickers...

Stinky stuff...

Welcome to my humble home.

Oh, isn't it hot?! I'll light a fire... No.

This is my bed.

This is where I sleep. This is how I sleep...

Me Worthaboutapig.

You?

Jean...

Marcosivellauniviromandiboule.

What a big name!

Have a look at your arm...

Slap some honey on that.

Before bed.

Oh, why do I find it so easy to talk to you?

It must be my lucky night.

I'm not meant to be lucky. I...

Was born...

On the shortest day.

You see?

That's why I'm an outcast.

An outsider.

Like you.

-Ow!

-Oh, sorry.

You, me - jiggy, jiggy, jiggy?

Yes?

I'll be that one.

Do you like what you see?

Be gentle with me, but use your own judgment.

HORN BLARES

-Erm, ignore that...

-Ce qui..?

It's nothing. It's just the alarm.

OK. Oh!

Where... Where are your tits?

Where are they?

Toward the East!

To the hill fort!

We don't have a hill fort.

Don't go to the hill fort!

Shh! Shh! Shh! Do you guys want to keep it down a bit?

It's a very big day for me.

-Pig!

-Yes?

-The Romans are here.

-Lovely.

-HELP ME!

-Did you?

-We started to, then he said I had boring breasts and just nodded off.

I think he had rather a bad crossing.

The Romans arre here.

-Give them to me!

-No, Ma'am...

You're wrong. The war is over there.

-No, Ma'am, no...

-Can you give me the reins?

-Great Queen...

-I command you!

-Ma'am...

-SHE SHOUTS IN CELTIC

-I'm doing the driving!

-No, please...

-No, no, no!

No, people! To the east!

To the east! To the east!

Follow me!

To the east! To the east!

And so the Dubonet charged west towards the bogs, while Dwyfuc and a

small band of ex-boyfriends go east to face the mighty Romans alone.

-General?

-Si?

A message from Caesar,

from a place is called Kent.

He says they cannot find a safe harbour for the ships and we must return at once to the fleet.

Pity.

It's a nice country.

We take-a the fighting lady, put her in the wagon. Come on. She could be useful later.

Oh, shut up, will you? She's not dead!

My daughter has been taken by the Romanians!

Romans, Great Queen.

We must ask the gods what we must do.

Fetch the One Who Talks With The Gods.

One Who Talks with the Gods, tell us of Dwyfuc, my daughter, future Queen of the Dubonet.

Show us what cannot be seen.

Urgh, there!

Well, what do you see?

I see blood,

-guts and gore.

-And Dwyfuc?

They have taken her and left...

Her shield.

We knew this! Look at it!

Tell us something new!

They are taking her back across the water, to their own land.

Where does it say that?

-Just there.

-Oh. Oh, yes. She must be rescued.

Dwyfuc must be rescued.

If she is not brought home when I pass to the other world, it will be the idiot one who shall be Queen.

Who is... All right, all right.

-Who will undertake this almost certainly pointless and fatal mission to Romania?

-Rome, Great Queen.

Who shall rescue Dwyfuc,

my daughter?

-I will.

-I will!

-I will!

I will! I will rescue her!

I will rescue Dwyfuc! I...

The Unlucky One has been the loudest. Worthaboutapig shall go to Bucharest.

Worthaboutapig shall rescue Dwyfuc!

Pig! Pig! Pig! Pig! Pig! Pig! Pig!

Actually, I thought about this overnight and I don't know how practical this really is.

-The gods will protect her.

-Yes!

Sure. Sure. I just feel I'm...

not really the hero type.

And I suppose it's partly finally finding a boyfriend makes me

reluctant to go at this particular juncture. I mean, will he wait?

Goodbye! Goodbye! Have a nice trip! Left hand up the hill!

Right, everyone. Back to work.

MY LOVE!

I... I go!

But I shall return, with my sister.

SNIFFS Ugh!

And more arresting breasts.

..to somehow get bigger breasts, and it's going to be fine.

SHE SOBS

I don't even know where Rome is.

Shit!

-Gods, I need your help.

-You're not kidding!

Are you from the other world?

I'm Andrasta, Goddess of Victory.

Yes!

Your mission... to save your sister is hopeless.

You have another sister,

Smirgut the Fierce.

-We do not speak of her.

-You do not speak of her because there is bad blood between her and Dwyfuc.

See, Smirgut had this bucket of blood that she was going to use

for pudding, but then she left it in the sun and it went off,

and Dwyfuc accidentally tipped it over her head, so Smirgut was absolutely livid.

It is only by Smirgut that your fate can be turned, and even then you must persuade her to help you.

But they hate each other,

and she lives in the north.

With the Brigante and they're really, really rough, and they talk like that,

and they wear their manes long at the back, like a mullet. And they've

got three nipples.

Oh! I'm looking for someone called Smirgut.

No, I'm her sister.

I think we must be close.

LOUD MUSIC

Don't ever touch my pint, you lanky git!

Pig?!

Is it really you?

You've really picked up the accent.

Fuck off! You haven't changed.

I know. How's the drinking? Any...incidents?

None. Clean.

Right off it. Don't touch it.

Not even tempted.

-I nearly lost my gooseberry!

-You didn't?! Who?

Oh, not old Squintygreenteeth the Pigman?

No! God! No!

No. No, he chucked me. With a Gaul.

Yeah. Nearly got lucky for once.

How's Mummy?

-Fine.

-And...

And that stuck-up bitch of a sister?

Dead, I hope.

No. She's fine.

Pity!

I would have written, but no alphabet. Or paper.

What's the matter?

I said the thing which is not true.

-Lied?

-Yes.

Some Romans came, you see, and that's why I'm here, because they...

They took away...

They took... They took away...

Mummy?!

Yes.

We'll head for the coast.

The druid there does boats and prophecies.

-Be back later, love! Ta-ta, children!

-Bye, Mum!

Don't eat the pets.

Blow that when we get to a corner. That's not a corner!

Sorry, I was confused.

-It was your accent.

-Shut it!

# I've got a little Gaul... #

It's nice, this. We can have a girly chat.

Shut it, you demented pixie!

Nice parking!

OK, Gareth, you stay.

Stay, and guard the boat. Stay.

-Good.

-I'm gonna eat that goose.

So would you say you're more hard since you went up north?

Yeah, fuckin' hard as nails, me.

Brilliant. Those Romans better watch out for you!

Woah... Oh, I didn't realise it was gonna be that big.

You could beat that, though, couldn't you?

No! No! We mustn't alert them!

Right, we're gonna have to be very, very clever.

A disguise?

Something Continental. Agh!

Just airing my slave.

If you do that again, I'm going to maim you.

Sorry!

-What are they building?

-Amphitheatre.

Oh, I wonder what's playing.

Turks.

Must be the German quarter.

Look out.

Bollocks.

Swedes.

Fake money?

No thanks, got a big bag full.

That is not fair, here we are all cosy and poor Dwyfuc's being poked with Romans.

We're coming to get you, Dwyfuc,

don't despair.

Coming to get you.

Oh, Lofacta. All this luxury.

Is it right?

Sometimes I think to myself, why should I be the lucky one?

Then a little voice says, "Fuck it!"

-What's for dinner? I could eat a horse.

-Horse, with a sauce.

Excellent, who's coming?

Any celebs?

Prefect Grassus.

Oh, what a tit.

General Rhinus with the ex-gladiator Rosalius Crocus.

-Ooh!

-He's a friend.

-Oh.

-Oh, what do I fuck? Now the legions are back from Germany,

we'll find you a husband, I promise.

Nobody wants a British princess.

Just because I'm a bit rough round the edges.

It takes time to adapt to foreign ways, my dear.

Even for us Gaulish women, the invasion was a terrible shock. It took some of us days.

Morning.

These are actually rather good, you know.

I don't suppose you also remember the last thing you said before we went to sleep, do you?

Nighty night?

Oh, yes, no, yes, I said how this morning, we'd get up and rescue Dwyf...

I was saying how this morning we would go and rescue Mummy.

-No, you didn't.

-I did. Didn't I?

You said Dwyfuc.

Really?

Oh. Could you hold that a moment?

Shift.

Here, love, are you being chased?

In here, it's all right, we're British.

You see, the smell of the soap is totally covered by the cannabis.

No soap tax. Genius, eh?

She needs a place to hide.

Does she?

Hi.

I'm Worthaboutapig.

What an absolute treasure trove.

-Worth less than a pig?

-No, Worthaboutapig.

I'm sorry to be a picky poo. It is about a pig, never ever less.

-I'm worth about a pig.

-Yes, well, we'll be the judge of that.

Have a pull on that, look, it's a local custom.

Thanks. When in Rome.

No, no.

Oh, sorry.

-HIGH VOICE:

-Hey, I feel fantastic. Have never felt so good in my whole life.

-Where is she?

-Who?

She bleeding hit me.

-Who hit you?

-That bird out there.

Did you hit him? What did you hit him for?

Yes, tough bird, are you? Come on, then.

-Oh Kents.

-Kents, is it?

Come on, you heard me.

Come with me.

You'll have to kill me first.

You scheming miserable little shit.

Mother!

And these British women, they even have the hair and they

have the armours.

Oh general, you rascal.

Lady soldiers give me a hard on.

You pretty, you gave us quite a scare.

Well, we do love a bit of a hack.

When we invade again, it will be a different story.

If it wasn't for this storm that broke up the ships,

Britain would already be ours.

Let's eat.

So, tell us more, Principessa of Britain.

Ah, lovely. B, not C, B, B, B, for Britain.

One could never tell you were once barbarian.

But tell me, did you never fear when you were first taken by us beastly Romans

that you would never again know the status of a princess?

In my island, we have a saying.

Class will out.

FARTS

FARTS MORE LUODLY

FARTS EVEN MORE LOUDLY

FARTS

FARTS VERY LOUDLY

You know we have a saying too - if the cat will not purr, it will be

tortured until it does, or dies in agony.

We Brits clearly have much to learn in the...

proverb department.

Si, and we Romans in other departmentitties.

We probably have more departments ,

we need much to have to learn... of.

Perhaps, perhaps not.

No women here.

I'd better go, then.

-Just one thing.

-What?

Anything, a large one, no straw.

Two pints of goat's milk, slightly on the turn,

and a Pernod for the lady.

-Picts?

-Aye, southern scum.

May your forest be levelled, your Highlands cleared of people,

all your food fried in yesterday's fat and your country languish eternally under a southern yoke.

May your empire decay, your country become a joke to all nations,

riven with class division, forever ruled by ponces.

Cheers.

-Holiday or business?

-We're ambassadors, hen.

Here to make a treaty against you lot. Will you join us?

No.

When I drink I can become violent,

-Don't we all?

-And rude.

I don't want to talk about it.

-What's the matter, hen?

-I'm a Celtic Warrior.

First class. A trained killer.

My sister's been captured.

Don't tell me, I know what it is.

You have had the wee ones and you thought you could step back into the workplace again.

Yes, yes.

-But it is not so easy, is it?

-I can do the maiming.

It is the killing, isn't it? You keep seeing their mothers, am I right?

It was the same for her after we had wee Tiffany.

You've just got to get back out there, girl, believe in yourself.

Here, there is only one way to handle this.

You've got to just drink your way through it.

Oh, that horse has gone right through me.

The best part of the evening, I always think.

Ooh, thank you!

I wonder what the men talk about when we're not there.

Nothing I am sure to worry our pretty little heads about.

We must discover a safer harbour for our ships.

Why don't we just torture the heathen sow. Oh, let me,

please, please, please.

No. The pretties can be stubborn, very stupid, no, my way is the best.

Quickly, run to the legion, bring me the soldier with the nicest arse.

You are incorrigible.

Personally, I never listen to the rumours.

Anyway I said, that's his business.

Lofacta told me that Dwyfuc requires a man.

We shall find her one.

Oh, and Crassus. I am not that way, do you understand?

No, no, of course not because that would be Greek

and we are...

Romans.

Enough.

Gladiator.

-Next.

-Next?

British.

Female.

HE LAUGHS

Excellent.

Perhaps now we see the famous Celtic kick.

Oh God!

This is so provincial.

I will guard the preparations for the game.

Most perfectly, General.

Some of the local animals are not wild as we would like.

And the Gladiators?

Prima quality.

Who is the top of the bill? You got Schlaffwaffe?

Unfortunately, his agent has been a little bit difficult

but we have some of our best lawyers on the case.

Look at me!

OK. I go into town, I need different feathers for my helmet.

GIRL SCREAMS

Want anything?

No.

GIRL SCREAMS

Come on, boys.

We could put her up against the legless Kurd.

Make her a domestic.

They said I did really well considering it was my first time and if I wanted, I could be a slave.

I was delighted.

Oh...the ennui!

At home I would be in the open,

hunting, riding, perhaps a little butchering in the afternoon.

But here,

what is there to do?

If this ennui continues, I may have to retire early and have a little blanquette.

HORN BLOWS

Lady Lofacta.

Dwyfuc! Let me introduce you to the centurion.

The British princess.

Won't you join us.

GROWLING

I mentioned to General Rhinus how nervous I have become of shopping outside the palace gates.

I did not expect him to send someone so soon.

Unfortunately I have no time.

A little man comes today to do my lice.

I don't have any lice.

Lice are a sign of good living.

They live only in the greenest air.

I had a vole.

My lice are always very big and healthy.

They wintered down there and raised a small family.

My lice sometimes wave at me.

My vole used to wish me good night.

"Good night, good night Princess Dwyfuc! Go to sleep!"

Oh, why don't you go shopping with Rhinus?

Now that would be hairy.

Nice horn.

Slave.

Slave.

SHE HUMS TO HERSELF

-Slave.

-Oh, sorry, I keep forgetting.

There's a job for you, kitchen.

Brill.

Thanks.

Bloody Celts.

A date to remember.

GRAPE RICOCHETS

Oh, Firmus.

Why do I feel so happy?

Because...you know tonight you get some.

Yes, yes probably.

And perhaps too you are happy because you are hot...

like a candle.

You know that after dinner I will pleasure you in 1,000 ways

and leave your body like a pool of melted wax.

Oh, Firmus,

I do believe you're flirting.

Let's go.

GROWLING

Do you need a lawyer?

No, no? Good, I'm not a lawyer, I'm a legal exec, that's why I'm not in there. But I...

No win, no fee?

Get off.

And she's back.

FIGHTING OUTSIDE

Noisy tonight.

PURRING

So, it's true what they say about Roman men.

Yes, we are the world's fastest undressers.

In between your knees.

Oh, yes! Yes!

Oh, my God!

Yes! Actually just a touch less left hand.

Ooooooh, my God!

Eh, that's not as bad as it looks, you know.

This part here remind me of a harbour

in the way it is shaped.

You have such things in Britain?

Yes, we do.

And where would such harbours be?

A deep one, where, for instance,

a sailor might come in very, very close, unload his little boat.

Yeah, keep talking like that... with the actions, yeah.

There's one in...

Yes, there's one in...?

Yes, there's one in...

Yes!

Yes, yes?

Yes, yes, yes....in Deal, in Deal!

There's one in Deal!

And where is Deal?

It's just between Sandwich and Rams...

SQUELCHING ...gate!

Right, my turn. Roll over.

Pig? Pig?

SHE SCREAMS

I think we can claim for this.

Cold? I am, too.

Tired? I am, too.

Wholewheat? Good choice.

LOUD, DESPERATE SCREAMS OUTSIDE

-Pig!

-Ah.

Yes?

Please don't hit me.

Oh, OK.

Was that you upstairs?

Quite messy now in the mosaicry.

I wonder if you might get me out of this.

I can't. It's off my remit. I'm strictly cleaning and errands.

I like being a slave. I've got parameters and a sense of belonging. And I've had something called a bath.

See, this is the invidious nature of the slave system.

The individual feels gratitude towards the oppressor for removing

inherent conflicts of the liberated self.

Now, this could take about 2,000 years to work through.

Try a slap.

I'm cured.

SHE CRIES HYSTERICALLY

What's the matter now?

I mean, what's the point of it all, you know?

And what are we all ultimately doing here anyway?

Uh, we're here to save Dwyfuc.

Who is?

We are.

-Both of us?

-Yes!

Yes, and it was the most fortunate timing, Caesar.

We have just this moment secured the intelligence Your Excellency has been desiring.

Ah, a harbour at last.

You've done well, Rhinus.

We invade Britain tomorrow.

Let's rescue the cow and get home.

So it is true what they say about British women.

Gravy on everything.

Oh, in my country, we have a saying, you know.

Oh, what is that?

More gravy.

Ah, such a mysterious people.

I have never before made love like that,

stopping only on the hour, every hour for meat.

SHE BLOWS KISSES

No, basta, I cannot bear it.

My Gods, how could I?

And to the only woman

who, in the act of love,

has made the tears run down my cheeks.

It's all the hair.

-There's gonna be chafing.

-No, no, no, no, no.

You do not understand.

Tomorrow I rejoin my legion, we invade your country.

I only make love to you so you reveal a harbour for our ships.

That's why all of the moves,

all of the...business downstairs.

My, at times almost unnatural withholding of personal release.

Mmmm, now, that's a relief. I thought you had a block in.

Reveal a harbour?

So you mean it was all a...

Even when you did that...thing with your...?

BELL TINGLES

Mmm.

You faked my orgasm!

Well, I only wanted you for your seed.

And now I've got it, so...ha!

Er... No, no, but I...

I-I never...

Get out.

Get...out!

SHE STARTS TO CRY

HE SPEAKS LATIN

Pig?

-Dwyfuc.

-Pig!

-Oh! Oh!

-I can't believe it.

-Pig!

Look who I've brought.

Look, it's Smirgut.

Said I'll rescue her.

-Don't have to talk to her.

-Sorry, beg your pardon. It's just your accent. I can't quite...

SMIRGUT GROWLS

Look, will you stop it!

-Ewww.

-Dwyfuc, someone's told the Romans where they can land their boats.

-What?!?

What kind of idiot did such a thing?

What a stupid, stupid, silly, silly, kind of stupid,

kind of, sort of, slipped out, did a kind of silly, stupid thing?

Oh...

Oh, Dwyfuc!

I'm afraid I've been rather a silly Sue.

Oh, I've got to get back in one try.

Yes, we've got to get back in one try.

Yeah, we've got to get back in... No, no. You go.

No, I'm not going. I don't want to.

Errr, I'm very important here.

They've named a cake after me.

And a washing-up utensil.

I've got a mural. I need to be here, I need to, I...

Oh, my God!

She's fallen in love.

No, I haven't!

Help!

Ridiculous.

Lofacta!

My friend!

This is Lofacta, my best friend.

These are my sisters, Pig, the Runt.

How do you do?

Nice to meet you.

And Smirgut.

The Fierce.

SMIRGUT GROWLS

You've got great breasts!

Gaulish women in general have, I mean.

I haven't.

Oh, I was telling them about my mural.

-Oh, you have not seen?

-No.

Come, come, come!

There's me being captured.

And there's me entertaining the rich and famous.

There's me having coitus.

But even you, Dwyfuc, have not seen the final one.

Yes, now you have betrayed your country

and the Romans have what they want, they're going to execute you.

I thought you liked me.

Liked you? "Oh, I can eat anything.

"I don't get fat." I hope you die slowly, you bitch!

Now piss off!

I want to go home.

Well, come on!

Errr! What is that smell!?

Yuck. Yuck, yuck, yuck.

Oh!

Get down.

ACCORDION MUSIC

(Hey, I think I see a way of just walking out of here.)

Rhino...

Have you been shaving your leg?

Absolutely not, sir.

Why do they do it?

Nobody knows. No-one speaks their language.

Who's next?

Pictish ambassadors.

Ah, at last some real business.

'Smirgut's plan was dazzling in its simplicity...perhaps too dazzling.'

-All have piles.

-Huh?

-I suffer the same.

-Ah, yes, it's the northern damp, you know.

It's the terrible, terrible damp.

Anyone for a treaty?

You are the Pictish ambassadors?

Oh, absolutely!

So, you want treaty?

Against the British?

Oh, yeah. See, we abhor them.

Pssst.

Erm, excuse me for a minute, will you?

(You dickhead!)

(It's a trick question.)

(Picts are British.)

What are you saying, exactly?

(Picts regards themselves as British.)

Oh, fuck it!

To seal our treaty against the British,

perhaps you'd like to perform for us

the famous Pictish Dance...

of the Fish.

Try and stop us.

Aye, aye, the Dance of Fish.

BAGPIPES PLAY

The fish, the fish, the terrible fish.

The fish, the fish, the terrible fish.

With a cloudy eye. With a cloudy eye. It'll make you gag.

Gag. Oooh. The fish, the fish, it goes with...pirates, aye!

Crassus, I think we have another act for your games.

It's the invasion. We've got to get out of here and warn the tribe.

We must stick together.

If we stick together, we live.

Ooh, no one who ever died in a Roman arena ever thought of that one. Tch!

-If you make that noise once more...

-What noise? This noise? Tch!

I think you'd both better come and look at this.

They execute people in cold blood without even goading them.

We may be barbarians, but we're not savages.

Except on holidays!

Mummy!

Oh, hello, there. What happens now exactly?

-Warm up.

-Oh, great. Hold those?

We have brought the British women forward in the programme, Generalissimo,

so that you can make the morning time.

Are you growing a beard?

No.

Open the gates!

Ah, have mercy!

Not that is a Goth!

What scheiss hole is this?

It's not even finished.

-Bologna, your viciousness.

-Who are they?

British, oh cruel but technical one!

For the benefit of Caesar.

I think he saw me.

To celebrate Caesar's invasion of their country, and to warm in your magnificent muscles.

There's something odd about them.

-They're women.

-Ah, so those are women!

I've seen women before.

I like it. Give them swords!

I must warn you,

I'm a fully trained Dobunni warrior queen - skilled in over a dozen martial arts,

including the Celtic kick or feet of thunder as it has become 'popularly'ly' known.

I can kill a man in

17 different ways - 18 if you include cooking.

-Are we friends now?

-Yes.

Right.

You faint and I'll do him.

Yeah, I agree but the other way round.

No, I've got to deliver the first blow.

-I don't want to explain that because I've had kids.

-Yeah, bring that up! I'm single.

You've got to be first, haven't you?

Chippy, chippy, middle child.

-Me chippy?

-Now you're going to cause a scene in front of the German.

-I'm not causing a scene.

-"I'm not causing a scene!"

-Oh, shut up!

-After you shut up!

-So I can be the first when it comes to shutting up, can I?

CROWD: Kill, kill, kill!

Kill, kill, kill!

Kill, kill, kill!

I feel good.

Okey-dokey, that's a lunch.

It's all my fault.

Don't!

She came here to rescue me.

She did, didn't she?

I was always so horrible to her.

I wasn't even horrible to her.

I wish I'd been more horrible to her or laughed at her a bit.

It's too late now.

She's gone.

If only there were gods to help us. If only they were real,

not just some primitive society projecting its own moral system,

and an unknowable cosmos in order to justify itself.

-Fucking hell!

-Who are you?

I look after your sister.

I've been a little remiss.

You wouldn't have such a thing as magic chicken innards on you, would you?

Yeah.

If these are what I think they are, we may be in luck.

Stand back!

She's completely mental.

-Disappointing! Right.

-Look!

THEY COUGH

Where does this go?

The other world!

Go, quickly!

The invasion has already begun.

Oi!

Tunnel-phobic.

-Shut up.

-I don't like it.

Hyper panic attack.

Do you know what, I think this is one of those tunnels that goes on and on...

Oh!

What the bloody hell's going on here?

It's like home. It's beautiful.

-Oh, it's like when we were kids.

-Are we on drugs?

CHANT: You're great, you're brilliant, you're wonderful!

CHANT: No, seriously, you're great, you're brilliant, you're wonderful.

Oh, stop it!

Sisters, you came!

Sorry, sorry, do excuse me!

Hello. Hello.

-So, this is your other world.

-Yeah.

It's everything I ever dreamed of. Everything's perfect here and everybody loves me.

-We've come to take you back.

-What? Why?

Because we love you.

-Yeah.

-Oh!

You have never said anything like that to me before.

Still not coming and you can't make me.

Ah, but you must want to be rescued or we wouldn't be here.

What? Um...

Well, I've changed my mind,

which I can because it's my world.

Actually, you know, that's an unanswerable argument.

It is. Grab her legs.

I see some steps going up.

Thank you, thank you, God.

Fresh air!

-Bollocks!

-It's them. Kill them.

CROWD: Kill, kill.

Let's just take it nice and easy. They may not have noticed us.

Kill, kill, kill!

There you see, what did I say?

Call out the guards.

Right in the heart.

Yes, normally that would be fatal.

However, I had my heart moved to the other side of the chest to counter this.

In the same operation, I had my entire nervous system ripped out of my body,

so I'm not able to feel any pain in the vital organs.

Your God!

I do little one first.

Strange, I've killed you before, haven't I?

So many shows.

I'm Maurice. I think, this time,

I will cut to in two, like I would half a pig.

What did you call me?

You called me "half a pig!"

No, I said I would half you like a pig.

No, you didn't. You said, "I will cut you, ha, ha, ha, half a pig!"

No, I said half with an F, not half a pig, the adjectival clause,

but half, the active verb, to half!

My name is Worthaboutapig!

We have covered this point, I think.

-Say it!

-No.

ARGH!

I can't feel nothing.

Oh, no, it's not enough to be killed once in one day, is it?

I tell you, I have had enough. I am officially wee'd off.

Just because I'm unlucky and a coward and have bad boobs,

and a face like a pie, it's all right to always pick on me, is it?

My mother kept me in a bag of weevils till I was five.

Oh, he's not even listening. You're not even listening to me, are you?

Why does no one ever, ever listen to me?

My only friend is a goose.

Come back, you coward. I want to die.

I want to be dead.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Nice work there, technically, with the teeth!

OK there, little sis?

Yeah. I feel strangely liberated.

I feel good.

Pig!

No, it's the time for the Celtic kick.

Yes.

Be careful!

They have the famous feet of thunder.

Always keep the eyes on the feet.

Right! Run like...fast!

This way!

What are you doing?

-Are you mad?

-We might never come back here.

Actually, they're really nice.

I think I'll have a pair too. Nines, nines?

Got anything a bit less strappy?

Have either of you noticed anything about my breasts?

-Wow, you've still got your other-worldly ones.

-That's the thing.

These are actually mine. Incredible, isn't it? It's this Gaulish boob holder.

What's going on?

-Come on!

-There's something I've got to take care of in Deal.

We've got to save Britain.

Fat chap is a two-faced poncey French git.

There must be thousands of them.

Ah, but how many are we?

50, including geese.

The fools! They have us surrounded.

They made the most elementary mistake in the art of war.

Or, have I got that wrong?

-Oh, who cares? They have forgotten they are facing the mighty...

-SHE SPLUTTERS

-I'll summon up a swarm of bees.

-No!

I said, I'll summon a swarm of bees.

She's getting very wilful, isn't she?

OK, OK.

Right, you go that side, I'll go behind.

If we don't see each other again, I'm sorry about the...hate.

The funny thing is, I can't even remember why we hate each other.

-Right!

-Right! No prisoners.

SHE CHANTS

Ah, they come!

Tribe, this is it.

Look, there!

Come on, boys! Good! Attack!

Last one in's a Celt!

Be careful, ma'am.

What's going on?

They are women.

They take us from behind.

Barbarians.

Hail, Caesar! I come from Deal harbour.

The ship anchors had been cut in the night. A storm comes.

If we do not retreat, we will lose touch with the fleet.

To the sea.

I never get to see the ladies fight.

Everybody, relax!

Caesar, he piss off home.

CHEERING

Fuckers! Bastards! Filthy bees! Ow!

Go! Save yourself, Caesar.

The Republic needs you.

This invasion is going to need one hell of a speech.

Free at last.

Oh, my brave boys!

Congratulations! Well done!

Lovely war, really lovely. Oh, you have got a big wound, haven't you?

Hello, well done. I love the blue round the eyes.

Really nice. Well done!

Look, great queen, it's...

the Princess - returned.

How many times must I tell you, not to cheat strangers?

Smirgut!

-Mummy.

-My daughter!

What a family!

Break open the offal and fetch the pots of beer.

Baby Smirgut.

I actually brought her back,

and rescued Dwyfuc.

Oh, yeah. I remember now.

That's what the argument was about.

Oi, you lot, what do you think you're doing with that prisoner?

And defeated Schlaffwaffe the Goth in single combat.

It won't mean much to you, but he's huge on the Continent.

I told you before,

do not goad or torment the Romans.

We found him hiding in the woods.

Reckon he's an asylum seeker.

Oh, right, pass me that sickle. Let's get his head on a stick while he's fresh.

Firmus!

Be quick.

I shall use this one for sperm.

Have him oiled, take him to the maypole and tent.

I'm going to have a baby!

I'm back.

Absolutely pooped.

Mes dieus!

What?

Your tits!

-Do you mind if I, er...?

-Yes.

Not until you've swept the floor

and given me a big rub, and made the dinner.

Sure, baby, sure!

Thank you.

Yes!

And so Smirgut moved down south, Dwyfuc got her baby and I got you.

-Hmm?

-I'm saying, I got you.

-What?

-I get you as a kind of prize for doing well and I get to keep you in my heart....

You don't understand what I've been saying?

You don't understand what I've been saying for an hour and a half.

-Your tits!

-You don't speak any English at all.

-Your tits!

-So, what have you been doing while I've been away?

-Your tits.

-Bloody French!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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