Just My Luck

*

-Morning, Fred.

-Morning, Norman.

CLOCK CHIMES

Get your skates on!

You're late again! You'll cop it. Hurry up!

Norman... Norman!

-Yes, Mr Stoneway?

-Prepare my work. And stop looking out of that window!

-Yes, Mr Stoneway.

-How's the girlfriend, Norman?

-We travelled up together today.

-Travelled up together, eh?

-Well, same train.

Norman...shall I give you a tip?

-Please.

-Danny Boy, Hurst Park, 10:1.

-No, betting's a mug's game.

-Danny Boy's gonna win me a whole week's wages this afternoon.

I'll bet you it doesn't!

What's wrong with the favourites?! Danny Boy's the fourth one to lose.

There, Jimmy. Get that lot counted.

Mayfair 1425, please.

-PHONE RINGS

-Lumb & Weaver Turf Accountants.

..Hello, Alfie.

..It lost, eh? Jolly good.

The jockey got boxed in. It's all right for you bookmakers.

Quite a turn up. Thanks. Goodbye.

-Danny Boy beaten by Nightclub Queen at 33:1.

-We're in the money.

We'll open some champagne and buy something nice for Miss Daviot.

There's no need to buy a bonus for our staff. Staff?!

Nonsense. She's had nothing since that mink stole we bought her after that lucrative week at Ascot.

Which you pawned again after a not-so-lucrative week at Windsor.

Tomorrow morning, you and I go shopping.

-Very nice.

-Yes.

Very attractive. £2,475, if the gentleman requires something reasonable.

-It's not really me.

-No, it's not.

-Perhaps you'd prefer this really rather intriguing diamond clip. That's attractive.

-Yes, it is.

£3,250. Oh, it IS.

-Or possibly something rather more informal?

-Possibly. That pendant's quite pretty.

-This one.

-The little chap. Isn't that more you?

That depends on the price. That one is 775 guineas. A real bargain, I assure you.

Would you like it, Miss Daviot?

I'm not mad about the ruby. Could I change it for a diamond?

Madam has such excellent taste.

-BUZZER SOUNDS You'd better go.

-Me?!

-Go down to the shop and see what's wanted.

-Shop?!

-S...H...O...!

P! Er, yes, Mr Stoneway.

-And put your coat on!

-Oh, yes, Mr Stoneway.

-Take your apron off!

-Yes, Mr Stoneway.

-And Norman...

-Yes?

-Don't forget the dignity of the firm.

-No, Mr Stoneway.

Good morning. Might I be of assistance?

Yes. This pendant.

-They haven't bought it?!

-They have.

-What about this one?

-Really!

-Or this one?

-Why not the one we want?

-I

-want it.

-It won't suit you.

-No, not for me.

-For the girl who works in the shop over the road.

-And you'll buy it?

-I haven't met her yet.

-Look, have I or have I not bought that pendant?

-You have, sir.

-Oh, no...

-Silence!

Please ask Mr Stoneway to replace the centre ruby.

-What? Have it dug out?!

-Yes.

-This'll cause shocking trouble.

-Please take it to Mr Stoneway...

You don't have to work with him!

Ask Mr Stoneway to remove the ruby and replace it with a diamond!

And will you please go? Go!

-Someone's bought this.

-That's what it's here for.

-Mr Cranley said to dig the ruby out and shove a diamond in.

-Very well.

-And get a move on.

-Eh?!

-HE said. They want it delivered by lunchtime.

-Put it down. And take your coat off.

-Yes, Mr Stoneway.

-And put your apron on.

-Yes, Mr Stoneway.

-You can deliver it yourself.

-Yes, Mr Stoneway.

-I'll have it finished by 1pm.

-Me lunchtime!

Exactly. And don't you be late back!

-No, Mr Stoneway.

-HE MOUTHS

Come in.

-Oh, it's you.

-I brought your pendant.

-Well, come in.

-I'm having some sandwiches. Have you had lunch?

-I have it in the park.

Why don't you have some here?

-No, er...

-Come on. There's plenty.

Oh, well. No harm done, I suppose.

Well, that's up to you.

Er, I'd better stick to the park.

Don't be silly. I'm only joking.

Well, thank you.

-We had that diamond fixed.

-Much better.

If Mr Lumb has a bad day at Goodwood, it'll be straight in the pop shop.

-No!

-Still, I wouldn't work for anyone else.

-Why not?

-You like him, don't you?

-He's sweet. Somebody's gotta look after him.

I tell you what. If it's in the pawn and you win £2,000 on the pools,

I'll give you the ticket then you can redeem it for your girlfriend.

I worked out how long it'd take me to save up to buy the pendant.

-How long d'you reckon?

-How long?

114 years!

-No!

-Yeah.

-You'll have to back a horse.

-You'd need a big stake to win £2,000.

-Not with an accumulator.

-What?

-You back a horse at 6:1.

-How much d'you have to put on it?

-A pound.

-All right, then! A pound at 6:1.

-Fine.

-Where?

-Oh, just imagine it.

-All right. A pound accumulator on four horses, A, B, C and D.

-Yeah.

-The first one wins 6:1 - that's £6, right?

-Right.

-That £6 plus your original stake - that's £7 - goes on horse B.

-What price?

-100:6. And it wins!

-Cor! That's...

-£116...and a bit.

That plus seven goes on horse C,

a rank outsider, 33:1. It wins.

That's £4,059. So, horse D comes up 2:1,

that's two diamond pendants and a Rolls.

So I just won £12,000 then?

-Yes...on paper.

-Still, if only two of 'em came up, that'd be £100.

-You'd lose it all on the third.

-Oh, I've gotta win 'em all?

-'Fraid so. They don't often work accumulators...

-But when they do...!

-Afternoon.

-Afternoon, sir. Miss Daviot's looking after you, I hope?

-He's not a client. He's from Dormier's with Miss Daviot's pendant.

-Oh, I see.

-I showed...

-Norman.

-..how to make £12,000 out of £1.

-Jolly good.

-Tea, Miss Daviot.

We need a shilling for the meter.

-No tea.

-Are you gonna have a bash?

-I dunno. What's the quickest way for me to have one of these...? What's it called?

-Accumulator.

-Yes.

-Back a jockey.

-Like you do horses?

-Yes. Bet on each horse he rides.

-Which is the best jockey?

-The Goodwood hope is Eddie Diamond.

Diamond... Diamond! That's the one I'll have!

-This is all I got.

-A shilling - just what we need for the meter.

-He'll get it back, won't he?

-Of course.

-I'll have a pound on all Diamond's mounts tomorrow.

-Only two tomorrow.

-I want six.

That's ALL of his mounts. They won't all win.

-I'll chance it.

-You've no pound.

-I will tomorrow.

-I'd think it over.

-No, I'm gonna have a go.

-If you say so.

-I say so.

I'll bring a pound in the morning. 19 shillings.

-CLOCK CHIMES

-Two o'clock!

And don't forget! I'm a client now!

Poor Norman. Like taking sweets from a child.

Mugs like him on a larger scale are our bread and butter.

Jolly nice.

Tea, Miss Daviot. Right, Mr Weaver.

-Come here.

-There was something I wanted to talk to you...

-Sit down.

-What I was gonna say was...

-Put this on.

-Oh, no!

-Don't argue!

-What I was gonna say was could I have a sub?

-What do you mean?

-You know, just a pound till the end of the week.

-What for?

-I've got a bit of business on.

-What did you do with last week's wages?

-I gave that to me mum.

-To your mum?

-Oh, yeah.

-I...

-Do you always do that?

-Yeah. She gives me some for me train fares.

-I like to hear of a man who gives his money to his mother.

-Really?

-It warms my heart.

-Does it?

-Very sensible woman she appears to be.

-She is.

-She wouldn't trust you with a pound, would she?

Not ordinarily, no.

She's quite right. Neither would I!

Mind the doors! >

Sir! Sir! Your pound!

Oi! Your pound! I've got your pound! You dropped...!

Oi! Not yours!

Hey, you! ..Guard, guard!

-Evening, Mr Hedges.

-Evening, Norman.

-Norman! Is that you?

-Yes, Mum.

-There you are. Bit late, aren't you?

-Don't think so.

-I've got a nice piece of liver for you.

-I'm not hungry.

Nonsense. Put that paper away.

-It's an evening paper. I hope you found it on the train.

-I bought it.

Bought it?! Whatever next? Throwing away your money like that!

-What did you want it for?

-To read.

What are you looking at?

Racing! Norman, have you been backing horses?

-No, Mum.

-You sure?

-Yes, Mum, honest.

You'd better not. You'll be the same as your father.

As soon as the craze got him, that was it.

-Left us, he did.

-Yes, Mum, I know.

-Walked out and left us flat.

-I wouldn't mind seeing Dad again.

Oh...

Wouldn't mind(?) If I thought you were following in his footsteps...

-Turn out your pockets.

-Oh, Mum, really!

-Come on.

-Is that all?

-Yeah.

-Shilling short.

-I know.

-Where is it?

-A gentleman borrowed it.

-What gentleman?

-A customer.

-A fine gentleman he sounds(!) Get it back!

-All right.

-I'll have to cut your allowance.

-We'll put it in the holiday fund.

-How d'you expect me to get to work? Walk?!

From now on, I'll give you your exact fare. Evening papers, indeed. Give it to me.

Ooh-ooh!

-That'll be Phoebe.

-Oh, no!

-..Come in!

Hello, Norm.

-Am I early?

-No, he's late.

-Hello, Phoebe.

-How's your mother?

-Nicely, thanks.

-What picture are we gonna see, Norm?

-Sorry, Phoebe. I haven't any money.

-I can pay.

-I don't want you to pay for me.

-It doesn't matter for once, does it?

I've got over a pound.

-Have you?!

-Yes.

-Well, what are we waiting for? Come on. Bye-bye, Mum.

-Norman.

-Yeah?

-No monkey business.

Seats 3/6, 2/4 and 1/9!

-Get 1/9's.

-We'll go in the 3/6's.

-Don't break that pound.

-Why not?

-Look, I need it.

-Whatever for?

-It's urgent.

-Well, I don't know!

..Two 2/4's, please.

Thank you.

-D'you want orangeade?

-No, I don't, but you can. Go on, get your straw.

Come on. And stop messing about.

ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS

-Why have you got your eyes shut?

-I don't want to see the end before the beginning!

-< Single seats only.

-Come on, Phoebe.

-Singles?! No!

-I'll see you later.

-Norman, come back!

I thought you said there was a seat here!

SLURP!

MUSIC REACHES CRESCENDO

Norman! A seat! Come over here!

-You come over here!

-You come over here!

-You come here!

-Who paid for it?!

MUSIC STARTS AGAIN

-Will you sit down?

-My foot has got stuck.

Sit down in front there!

And take your hat off.

There. That's better, isn't it?

I can't see very well from here.

-D'you want that pound?

-Of course.

-Then you'd better be nice to me!

Do you mind?

Mind WHAT?

Are you going to be nice to me?

Oh, all right.

-Drop of this, then?

-I mean put your arm round me.

Oh, Norm.

Oh, this is more like it.

SLURP!

GURGLE!

Oh, for heaven's sake, finish that!

Would you please keep quiet?!

Sit still and enjoy yourself.

-Phoebe?

-Yes, Norm?

I w-wanna...I wanna blow me nose.

Just when I'd got comfortable.

Oh, you are a nuisance!

-I've gotta blow me nose, haven't I?

-Can't you just blow it left-handed?

It must be in me mac.

Oh, Norman, pack it up!

BLOWS NOSE LOUDLY

-Ssh!

-Be quiet!

-Norm...

-Don't start again, Phoebe.

I've lost me earring.

Cor blimey!

DISAPPROVING GROANS

-Can't you keep still?!

-I had to blow me nose.

You're spoiling it for everybody!

-What, ME?!

-Oh, take no notice, Norm.

..Teddy boy!

-Put your arm back, Norm.

-Oh, it's, er, gone to sleep.

Well, then...

-give me a kiss.

-Oh, no. Not here!

-You want that pound, don't you?

Keep quiet and I'LL give you a pound.

If you don't give me a kiss, you don't get the pound.

-That's blackmail.

-No kiss, no pound.

-On the lips, Norm.

-Listen, I am not...!

Go on, Norm. Send me crazy!

SHE SNORES

STAIR CREAKS

CREAK!

GROAN! CREAK!

CREAK!

C-C-CREAK!

SQUEAK!

MUFFLED SCREAMS

SNAP!

CREAK!

SQUEAK!

CUCKOO! CUCKOO!

CUCKOO! CUCKOO!

CUCKOOING GETS FASTER AND LOUDER

CRUNCH!

Oh...you're...er...

-That's right. And you're from opposite.

-Yes.

-Bit warm in here, isn't it?

-Yes.

-I often see you in your window.

-I've seen you too.

-Yes?

-And now we've met.

-We have.

Oh...sorry.

-You sell some smashing clothes in your shop, don't you?

-Wonderful jewellery they have in yours.

-D'you like jewellery?

-If I could get it at Dormier's.

-Maybe you will.

-If my luck changes.

-D'you believe in luck?

-I think you have to push it a bit.

-That's what I'm gonna do.

-What's your name?

-Norman.

-Mine's Anne.

-How are you?

-I've been hoping we'd meet.

-So have I.

-Have you?!

-It's not quite so crowded now, is it?

-No...

-Oh, sorry. I was miles away.

-It didn't seem like that to me!

KNOCK AT DOOR Come in.

It's me.

-Hello.

-Hello. I've brought it.

-What's that?!

-My accumulator.

-Tell him, Miss Daviot.

-We only accept money on the course.

-You mean I can't back me jockey?

-Only if you have a credit account.

-Let's have one.

-Open a credit account for this gentleman,

-limit 20 shillings.

-All right?

-Perfectly.

-If you lose, settle your account later.

-You don't want it?!

-No.

-All this fuss I had to get it!

-You can leave it, just to show goodwill.

-Is that legal?

-Yes. You haven't staked it. You bet on your account.

I'll leave it, then. I've gotta go now.

-(I met her.

-That's good.)

PHONE RINGS Stoneway.

Oh, yes. It'll be ready tomorrow.

News and Standard! Paper! Race results! >

I'll see about that. Goodbye.

This has to be ready by tomorrow. Right, sir.

I've run out of cigarettes.

-I'll go and get you some.

-Thanks, Norm.

I've got a packet he can have.

-Shall I go and make the tea?

-Tea? We don't have tea till half-three.

I thought you might like it early,

cos it's so hot and the heat makes your throat all parched.

Nothing like a cup of tea to unparch it.

Imagine it running round your mouth, then down your throat,

giving you a lovely feeling inside.

You think of it now, with sugar, milk, and no tea leaves.

It's very good for your nerves too, nice, hot, strong tea.

It makes you feel that perhaps life is worth living after all.

G-Go and get it!

Yeah.

< News and Standard! Race results! Paper!

How's it going, Lofty? OK, now, Fred.

Have you got the 2.30 result? Eddie Diamond's riding Blue Peter.

Charlie! I'm ready to solder this leak! Turn off the gas main!

He's done it!

-Are you sure?

-Yeah!

Right.

Now what?!

Yes, that'll do.

-Hello, Mr Stoneway.

-Where were you?

-Er, getting the tea.

-Where is it?

-It won't be ready till the next race.

-What?!

-Half-three.

-Get back to work.

-Yes, Mr Stoneway.

HE LAUGHS

CLOCK BELLS CHIME

I'll be back soon. Mr Roberts, see that nobody leaves this room.

Very good, sir.

-Mr Roberts, can I use the phone?

-Yes, all right.

PHONE RINGS

Lumb & Weaver.

-Hello. This is Norman.

-Norman? Oh, Norman!

-Yeah. Have I won?

-We don't know yet. It's a late start.

-They're off.

-I'll put the phone by the blower. You can hear for yourself.

Your horse is Shy Lover, by the way.

OK?

'..And it's Mayflower just in front,

'half a length from Golden Goose, Minotaur, and Radiant Light going well on the inside.

'They're closing up a bit. Shy Lover's challenging Minotaur.

'Minotaur's holding him off...'

-LINE GOES DEAD

-Hello? Hello?!

Hello?!

-Hello?

-Can I help you?

-I-I got cut off.

-I

-didn't cut you off.

-I don't suggest it was you.

-If you have a complaint, I'll connect you to the supervisor.

-I want my number.

BUZZ! Supervisor. Can I help you?

I was connected to Mayfair 1425 and got cut off.

I'll give you the operator.

-Operator, here.

-Look, miss, I...

-Number, please.

..Which number are you calling?

It's Mayfair, er...

Oh, I had it just now.

Lumb & Weaver's in Bond Street.

-I'll give you directory enquiries.

-I don't want directory enquiries!

Directory enquiries. What number?

I want Mayfair 1425. That's it! Mayfair 1425.

It's a bookmakers, round the corner. I could walk there in half a minute.

-Why don't you, then?!

-Well, I'm...I'm not allowed out.

-I'm not surprised!

-Look, I want Mayfair 1425!

The race'll be over by the time...

Hello? Hello?!

'..Shy Lover coming well now...'

How are you getting on? ..Hello? Hello?

Hello?!

-Are you flashing?

-Flashing? I'm exploding!

There must be something wrong with this phone.

Am I asking too much? Just one call. It's just round the corner.

Mayfair 1425.

Excuse me, sir. Did you want Mayfair 1425?

-Yes, please.

-Well, why didn't you say so?

Cos I-I...

Mayfair...1425.

PHONE RINGS Hello? ..Norman, where did you go?

-I was here all the time.

-I tried to talk to you and the line was dead.

Norman!

'..And number three, Cutter's Lament...'

-What do you think you're doing?

-I...er, it rang, Mr Stoneway.

Get back to your work.

PHONE RINGS

Stoneway.

If you want the result, hold on.

- The result?! - Shy Lover won.

This is a jewellers, not a bookmakers! ..Shy Lover, indeed!

Shy Lover! It's happened to me!

It's happened! Oh, Mr Stoneway, Shy Lover!

-I'll see you all right.

-You certainly will!

Here's our accumulator expert.

-That's it...

-Your bet's all right so far.

-I want to stop it.

-Stop it?!

-Stop it?!

I'll settle for the £145.

-You don't understand.

-Course I do. I don't mind cancelling the bet.

-YOU don't mind(?)

-I don't want to be greedy.

-He's got cold feet.

-Your pound is on all six horses and there it stays.

-Until I lose, I suppose.

-I'm afraid so.

-And to think, at this moment, I'm worth £145.

-On paper.

-You might pull it off.

-What's he riding tomorrow?

-Three mounts.

-Yeah?

-Popcorn, Fricassee at 4pm, Red Pepper at 4.30.

-Any of them fancied?

-No.

-Oh, well, it was nice to be rich for one day.

Be philosophical about it.

Popcorn, Fricassee and Red Pepper!

-Makes you sick to think about it!

-Poor little devil. Well, he'll be out of his agony tomorrow.

-Yes.

If either of them lose, I'll lose my original stake of a pound.

I'll keep my fingers crossed.

It's not the pound that worries me so much as the way I got it.

-How did you get it?

-I borrowed it from me and my mum's holiday fund.

-Oh. Will she mind?

-Will she mind(?)

-It gives me a shocking headache to think of it.

-Here, take these.

-What are they?

-Only aspirin.

-Thank you.

-Can you manage without water?

-Well, I'll chew 'em.

Oh, it's not as bad as all that.

I'll have this as a souvenir, eh?

-So you live with your mother?

-Yes. Dad left home when I was only a kid.

Oh, dear. Another woman?

-Oh, it was worse than that. Horses.

-Oh. Horses.

Funny, you know, us not talking until this morning and now we're in the park together.

I like it. Nice.

-Have you got a family?

-I live with my father. That's who I'm meeting.

-Oh.

-We're going to the theatre.

-Oh, I really must go.

-Can I come?

-Better not.

-Sorry.

-See you tomorrow, though.

-D'you really mean that?

-Mmm.

-Honest?

-Of course. I must fly. Bye.

-Goodbye.

Coming home last night wet through! Wonder you haven't got pneumonia!

What were you doing in the park?!

Don't keep opening your mouth! How can I take your temperature?

Careful, careful! Oh, let's have a look at it, then.

-Ooh! That's a bad sign.

-What is it?

-Normal.

-Oh.

-No, you don't!

-You said it was normal.

You've always been subnormal. Under them bedclothes. No work for you today, my lad. There you stay!

PHONE RINGS

Stoneway. ..Who is that?

Norman's mother. He's ill in bed with a temperature. I'm afraid he won't be able to come today.

He was perfectly all right yesterday.

This is really most awkward. We're short-staffed as it is.

If he's not here tomorrow, we shall need a certificate.

Don't you worry. If my boy's away tomorrow, he'll be certified.

'..And it looks like a walkover for Eddie Diamond on Popcorn.

'He's well in front now, quite unchallenged.

'He's passing the post now! It's Popcorn, ridden by Eddie Diamond...'

TURNS DOWN VOLUME

TURNS RADIO OFF

'In the next race, number five carries seven stone nine,

'number seven carries seven stone eleven...'

How is it? Diabolical.

-What are our commitments? £790.

-We'll pay.

We won't, you know. The bank was on the phone this morning.

-That's a nice brooch... The firm didn't buy this.

-Pity.

Where's the pendant? In a safe place.

-Don't worry. It'll all balance.

-Three ponies, guv.

-See?

I'm not so sure. What about our friend's accumulator?

-He wouldn't know where to collect his money.

-What about our office?

-We'd have moved by then.

-Welched.

-Miss Daviot! Removed to a new address.

-Poor Norman's pound is about as safe as my pendant.

We won't see his eager little face again.

Passes, please. Thank you.

Thank you. ..Thank you.

Er, your passes, please. Passes.

HE SPEAKS ITALIAN

Your passes?

THEY PLEAD IN ITALIAN

All right. In you go. ..Your passes, please.

Thank you.

NORMAN SPEAKS GIBBERISH

I beg your pardon?

Not far off Hindustani, my dear.

I'm sorry. I don't understand. Allow me, sir.

HE SPEAKS HINDUSTANI

GIBBERISH

I think he's trying to speak Latvian. Latvian?!

Latvian(!)

HE SPEAKS LATVIAN

He's trying to speak Hindustani. No, he's trying to speak Romanian.

SHE SPEAKS ROMANIAN

He's speaking Latvian. Nonsense!

He's trying to speak Greek!

ALL SHOUT AT ONCE

Gentlemen, gentlemen, please...

-Hello!

-Good heavens!

-I heard the result of the two o'clock.

-It ain't half exciting!

-We're absolutely hysterical(!)

-What's my winnings so far?

-You haven't won a penny yet.

-But I will.

-What do you think it is?

-What was the price of Popcorn?

The SP was 100:8. That's exactly £1,957.

One thousand...?!

Wahoo!

-Tenner on Black Boy.

-Mr Gray.

'In this race, number three carries grey, green sleeves and yellow cap.

'Number 13 carries blue, white sleeves and a blue-and-white cap.'

They're under starter's orders now!

This is gonna be it.

What you got? Fricassee! That's the one.

-Where are you off to?

-Run out of cigarettes.

Oh, I've got a shocking headache. I've got a couple of aspirins here.

-Fricassee's playing up.

-Sandboy's quiet.

Steady! Keep them in line! Come in, jockeys.

Keep them in line! Steady. >

Keep them in line. Steady. Keep them in line. Steady!

Fricassee! Fricassee!

Go on, Eddie!

Fricassee! Go on, Eddie! Get him up the front!

Fricassee! He's boxed in. I can't see him.

-Where's Fricassee? ..Who's leading?

-Fricassee.

Fric...?!

Gangway.

Oh, Mum, I didn't mean to...

Norman, how COULD you have done it?

You naughty boy.

The bottle's empty. I've taken the lot.

-I emptied the bottle.

-You emptied the bottle? What bottle?!

This is no ordinary faint. He's swallowed a bottle of aspirin.

The stomach pump. I'll tell your ambulance.

-Swallowed them all, so you'd better warn them.

-What's that?

Aspirin. ..A whole bottle.

He's swallowed a whole bottle!

Swallowed a bottle, has he? Right, I'll warn them in casualty.

Oh, that bottle. Oh, no, cut it out.

Yes, they probably will, son.

Casualty? Hall porter, here.

Emergency coming in from the races. A bloke's swallowed a bottle.

Right. I'll warn them in surgery.

BELL RINGS

Take him straight to the theatre.

No, look, I'm supposed to be at the races.

I stand to win a lot of money.

There's nothing wrong with me! Where are you taking me?

Where are you taking me? There's nothing wrong with me!

A drink of water would've done! Pack it up!

Where are you taking me?

What's going on?! Oi!

..Well, get his things off! We'll have to chance his blood count.

You'll chance nothing with me!

-We haven't much time.

-It's a lot of nonsense. I only fainted!

-Get his trousers off!

-You ain't getting nothing off!

-Otherwise we can't operate.

-Operate?! Who d'you think you are?

We must get that bottle out of your tummy.

- Get him under! - Right, sir.

Hold him still!

-You dirty lot of kidnappers!

-Quickly, nurse! Strip him!

-Get hold of him.

-Get your hands off me!

What do you think you're doing?! Get him under!

-I won't stand for this!

-Get him on the table.

Hold him!

Get the table ready. He'll soon be under.

- Get him on the table! - Come on! It won't take a minute!

We're trying to help! Be still!

Oh, don't make such a fuss!

I'm terribly sorry, sir. It was an accident.

You must hurry! Get it off! I can't. It's stuck!

-I've got to get to the races.

-Oh, sir! The trouble you've caused!

Through there, second entrance. Thank you very much.

'Ere!

You! Are you all right?

-VERY SLURRED:

-Don't you worry about me.

-Did Fricassee win?

-Are you interested?

-Course.

Take my tip - have a lie down.

Don't you tease me! Did Fricassee win?

Yes. Second favourite, Eddie Diamond.

-What have you been drinking? Chloroform?!

-How did you guess?

'And the tote returns.

'Win, number nine, 3/6, number four, 2/3.'

Oh, gracious! I beg your pardon. ..Sorry, my dear.

HE CHUCKLES

Excuse me. Sorry, sorry.

Oi-oi!

Oi-oi!

There's a little ticktack in there, got a very good tip for Clarius.

Hello!

Hello!

-What you got on?

-I beg your pardon?

Yeah. Yeah, I got a bet on, yeah!

I'll have it in me hand. I'll be rolling in money!

They must be putting a fortune on this horse. He's showing odds-on.

Odds-on?

We're gonna win! Gonna win! Yeah.

He says it's all right.

There's no doubt in my mind.

Then we'll have a drink. We'll gallop the wallop!

Here, rub that off. It's on the blower!

Have a gallop of the wallop, pushing it back!

'Scuse me, 'scuse me.

-Is this the 4.30 race?

-Been celebrating a bit?

-Wait till you've won before you do that.

-I don't drink. I'm as sober as a newborn judge, I am.

-What won that race?

-Red Pepper.

-What horse was mine?

-Red Pepper.

-Diamond's hat trick.

-His fifth win in your accumulator.

-MY accumulator?

Red Pepper?

That's my horse!

I've done it yet again!

Congratulations!

-Congratulations!

-You'd better go and drink a gallon of black coffee.

Here, I can afford it now! ..Congratulations.

I've had a big win today.

How about you?

-Really!

-I'll keep an eye on him. Why?

-Somebody's got to.

-Why?

-Tea and a bun, please, miss.

-Tea and a bun.

Sixpence, please.

-I haven't got any.

-Oh, what a shame(!)

Oh, no! I know it sounds daft,

-but I'm worth over £16,000.

-Fancy that!

Yeah. Look, here's the account. This is my bookmakers account and I'll pay you tomorrow, maybe.

-Sorry, dear.

-Oh, be a sport, just for the sake of sixpence.

Find your bookmaker, borrow sixpence and you can have your tea, but not before.

Ain't it marvellous?

You'd think a fellow rolling in money would be able to have a stale cake

-and a chipped cup of tea.

-Have you done?!

-D'you wanna borrow ten bob?

-Oh, I didn't see you.

-I'm not surprised.

Thank you. Miss, two teas and two cakes, please.

I'll pay you back out of my winnings. Your firm owes me over £16,000.

Not unless Old Casper wins tomorrow.

-What chance has he got?

-They're offering 100:1 against.

Hello, Eddie. Usual high tea? Yeah. No milk, no sugar.

What if he doesn't ride Old Casper?

What if he doesn't ride another horse for the rest of the meeting?

-Then we write you a cheque for £16,848.

-That's it!

-Look who's here.

-That's him. That's him.

- Watching your weight, Mr Diamond? - That's right. Nothing to eat.

< You must be hungry.

Starving. I've got to lose some weight before tomorrow.

-Good luck.

-Thank you.

-Tidy yourself up.

-Miss, those cream cakes, I'll have them.

-What, all of them?!

Just to start with.

-Afternoon, Mr Diamond.

-Hello.

..Thank you.

Cor, smashing cream.

-Want one?

-No, thanks.

-Oh, come on, have one. Take your pick.

-No, no, I daren't.

-They're light as feathers, these are.

-Please!

Oh! Mmm-mmm!

It's all chocolate coated.

-You sure you won't change your mind?

-Yes, quite sure.

Just have a taste, eh? Go on.

-Cut that out, will you?

-You might as well finish it.

I found this on his pillow when I got back.

"Dear Mum. Felt better. Gone to work. Norman." Well?

I rang the shop when I was out and he hasn't been there at all!

He'll go the same way as his father. Oh, I'll give him such a...

Don't take on so, Mrs Hackett.

-Ooh-ooh! Ma says, should she phone the police?

-The police? What for?

To see if there's any news. I mean, he might've been knocked down.

- Don't worry. They don't charge. - For what?

-For an ambulance. Not now it's nationalised.

-If it's an accident, it's free.

What are you talking about, girl?

-I know what I'd do.

-What's that?

-Drag the river.

Hardly worth it. They float to the top after three days.

-What?

-Bodies, blown up like balloons.

-If you lose tomorrow, I'm gonna lose £16,000.

-You've lost it.

-If you don't ride, I'll share my winnings.

-Nothing doing.

-I'll give you £10,000.

-My jockey licence is worth more than £10,000.

-Any chance of the old woman not running her horse?

-No.

-What if I offer her money?

-She's rich already.

You could go and see her, offer to buy the horse.

-What would I do with a horse?

-Scratch it.

-Eh?

-Stop it running. If you own it, you can do what you like.

-D'you think she'd sell?

-It's worth trying. You'd clean up.

-D'you know where she lives?

-Somewhere in Surrey.

-They're all out!

-There must be someone... Oh, shut up!

-Is this Mrs Dooley's house?

-Yes. Come in.

-I take it you're the gentleman who telephoned.

-That's right, miss.

In here.

-You're Mrs Dooley, aren't you?

-I am.

-You're the scallywag who wants one of me horses?

-Yes, ma'am.

-Well, sit down, then.

-Sit down, sit down!

Make yourself at home. It's Josephine's bath night.

Shake the young gentleman by the hand, Josephine.

-Be polite. Say good evening to him.

-Good evening, Josephine.

That's a good girl. What d'you think of the young man?

JOSEPHINE BLOWS RASPBERRY

She's a bold girl. Tell me, what makes you want to buy Old Casper?

I can't see the point in racing horses who've no chance of winning.

Win? I don't race me horses to win.

I like them to have the exercise and the fun, so me trainer races them when they look depressed.

You wouldn't mind selling Old Casper, would you?

How can a young man afford to buy a race horse?

I can't, but I will if I do own him. Old Casper means a lot to me.

-Be after ringing that bell. Have you had anything to eat?

-Not since tea, no.

-We sup at 3am - the best time to eat.

-Yeah?

-We sleep by day and watch through the night, in case the children have a need of us.

-Children?!

The animals!

-That's another one of me in India.

-Yes, yes...

That's me late husband.

Look, now.

Me late husband. No, not that one! That's a warthog.

-This side.

-Oh, yes, yes...

COCK CROWS

-Morning, Kathie.

-Morning, ma'am.

-Good news, ma'am. The ostrich laid an egg.

-The clever girl!

Morning, Charles.

-It's daylight already!

-It's morning.

-What's the time?

-Quarter past seven.

-I've been sitting here all night.

-Here's me whiskered bat...

-It's today! This afternoon!

-What's this afternoon?

-Just about Old Casper.

-We can talk about him later.

Can't I have something on paper saying he's mine?

-What's the hurry? I'm off to me bed now.

-Please, Mrs Dooley, don't go to bed,

-not till the horse is signed over. After today will be too late.

-What?

Er...well, it's my girlfriend, we're engaged.

Today's her birthday, so I want to give her the horse.

I'll pay tomorrow, but I must give her it today.

-Your sweetheart's birthday.

-Yes. We're very much in love.

You're in love.

Very much in love.

Me husband and I were your age when first we met.

We used to ride together.

-He died before our love had time to blossom.

-Oh.

What were we talking about?

-Old Casper.

-Oh, yes.

-For my fiancee.

-What's her name?

-Anne.

-Is she very pretty?

-Smashing.

Smashing, eh? I MUST see her!

If I like her, you shall have the horse. Bring her to me now, today.

-But...

-That's enough! Go and fetch her and we'll see about me horse.

All right. I'll fetch her.

Hello, Anne. Look, I need your help very badly. I must get the horse!

-Get the horse?

-THE horse. I wanna buy it.

-Norman, are you ill?

-Yes! Er, no, no, no.

Look, I want to buy someone a present...

as a sort of...well, a proposal.

-I need your help. Can you get the day off?

-Well, it is my day off.

Listen, Anne, this is what I want you to do...

ELEPHANT TRUMPETS

Lovely grub!

Oh, Anne, I'm glad you got here.

That necklace, I want to buy it for you.

-You know why, don't you?

-Are you trying to propose?

Well, it's more than I dare do...

Yes.

It is a bit sudden. I'll explain later.

-When we go in, could you look as if you love me?

-I'll try.

-Come you in.

-Mrs Dooley, this is Anne.

Ah, charming. Perfectly charming.

Come and sit near me, me child.

Don't mind Josephine. There's no harm in her at all. Sit down.

Kathie, come and take Josephine to her bed.

-Come on.

-There's a good girl. Go with Kathie to your bed.

Well, now, so you intend to marry this young man?

-Yes, ma'am.

-When?

-Well, as soon...

-Shh. When, my dear?

-As soon as possible.

You could do far worse. He and I had a lovely night together.

-Where are you going to live?

-We haven't decided. Have we, Norman?

Not exactly, but we'll find somewhere. Won't we, sweetheart?

-Yes, darling.

-It's all one when you're in love.

Igloo or hut, castle or cottage, I've tried them all.

-Really?

-Mm-hm. So you want to give her me horse?

-Yes, please.

All right. This assigns the dear, faithful creature over to you.

Thank you! Come on, Anne.

-It's no use, Mrs Dooley. I can't lie. I want Old Casper because of a bet.

-A bet?

I want to make enough money to buy Anne a pendant. She's so wonderful.

-Oh, Norman.

-And I can't stop the bet now. That's why I must have Old Casper.

..I've come to a decision.

-Yes, ma'am.

-I'm afraid I can't sell Old Casper.

I couldn't expect any different.

I'm going to GIVE him to you, as a wedding present.

-Oh, Mrs Dooley!

-Thank you, Mrs Dooley!

Now you'll want to see his swan song at Goodwood.

-His what?

-His last race.

-Oh, yes! Thank you. Bye!

-Off you go.

Ah-ha! The young.

May God bless them.

Reckless...foolish...mad!

Crazy.

Adorable.

Wait for us!

Oh!

-What's the matter?

-I haven't got a pass. He knows me.

-Leave it to me.

It was rather a gay evening...

Excuse me. That man's following me. I want him arrested.

Oh, yes. I know him.

Will you be a witness? To what?

That he's been following me! But I haven't witnessed him.

You can witness him now. What?

Watch.

Hey, come back here!

-There!

-Where can I find Old Casper's trainer?

-Old Casper? That's Ritchie. He's over there.

-Mr Ritchie!

-Are you Mrs Dooley's trainer?

-Yes.

-Old Casper's mine. I want him scratched.

-What?

-I bought Old Casper off Mrs Dooley. I want him scrapped at once.

-It can't be done.

-What?!

-You can't scratch a horse once it's been declared.

-Declared?!

-Confirmed as a runner.

-Look, I tell you he's not running!

Shouting won't help. Let's go and see the stewards.

Yes, we understand...perfectly.

You purchased this horse overnight and you wish to scratch him.

-That's what I've been trying to tell you!

-But he's fit to run.

Jockey Club rules stipulate that horses must be scratched three quarters of an hour before the race.

-He'll have to go to the post.

-It's my horse. Nobody can MAKE him run.

You can't do a thing. We'll see about that. ..Come on.

It's no use. Eddie Diamond's riding Old Casper in the handicap.

-Ah, but is he? That's the point.

-Who's gonna stop him?

-You are. He works for you. Well, sack him.

-That's it! You've got it!

Hey, you can't go in there!

-I want to speak to my jockey.

-Who's that?

-Eddie Diamond.

-He's not here.

-Where is he?

-Sweating off weight at the Turkish baths.

Mr Diamond! Mr Diamond!

There you are! The horse is not running.

It's not running. I'm the boss now.

You can get dressed and go home.

More steam! ..Over!

Look, the horse is not going to run. Mr Diamond...!

You're wasting your time, Mr Diamond. It's no use.

Just collect your cards and I'll pay you tomorrow...

-Oh! It's no use trying to get away.

-Where's the sweat box?

I don't even know what a sweat box is!

Oh, no, pack it up! Put me down! Let me out!

All right? Thanks.

-Are you all right, sir?

-Let me out.

-It's good for you.

-No, it's too hot. Much too hot.

-Too hot? Soon fix that. Stand by for the cold.

-Don't put the cold on.

Don't! Ah!

Oh, it's f-freezing!

I've gotta get out! Let me out!

I think you've had about enough.

You've got your clothes on!

-I came in to find Eddie Diamond.

-He's halfway up the course by now.

Oh, no! I've gotta stop him.

Eddie Diamond! Eddie Diamond!

'In the next race, number three carries grey, green sleeves and a yellow cap.

'Number 13 carries blue, white-hooped sleeves and a blue-and-white quartered cap.

'Number three carries eight stone and number thirteen carries eight stone two.'

Hey, stop the race! Come back!

Oh, Norman!

Stop! I'm the owner! Get off my horse!

Stop the race! Don't start it! Old Casper's not going to run!

-Who are you? Get off the course!

-I'm the owner and I've scratched him!

-Come in, jockeys.

-Stop the race! Don't touch that handle!

-Don't start it!

-Will you get off the course?!

-Stop the race!

-Steady.

-Where are you going? Let me down!

-Norman!

-What are you doing?!

-I'll have you horsewhipped!

-Stop! Old Casper, come back!

-Get off there at once!

-No, stop!

Norman, are you all right?

-What happened to Old Casper?

-He was last!

-Oh, now I'm broke.

-Never mind, Norman. Money isn't everything.

Let's go and see our Old Casper.

Where's Old Casper, please? Over there.

-Thank you, duchess.

-AMERICAN: It's just like Ascot!

-Is this Old Casper?

-Yes. We had a nice little walk.

-Did you ride him?

-Yes.

-You're not Eddie Diamond!

-You catch on quick.

-Where is he?

-Over there.

-There's Eddie Diamond!

-That's not our horse!

-He won!

-You again?!

-You won!

-Yeah, but not on Old Casper.

-But...

-I know. I couldn't make the weight.

-But you won.

I've won. We've won!

Come on. Let's go and collect it!

-Here we are.

-They're not here.

-No.

The office!

-They've gone!

-Welched!

-We'll get the police.

PHONE RINGS

'British Airways flight to Paris...'

-Still no reply.

-Where is she?!

-How should I know?

-Really!

-Keep calm, old boy.

-Keep calm?! I have never fled the country before!

Shh. We're flying to Paris to refresh ourselves and consider our financial position.

-We're cleaned out, broke!

-Don't keep saying that.

-Where could she be?

-We'll leave her.

-No. We've got five minutes yet.

-Here!

-All right, son.

-They took everything.

-Me winnings!

-Did you want something?

-Yes.

-My money.

-I've been expecting you.

-Are you in charge?

-Yes.

-And you owe this gentleman money?

-Er...

-£33,696.

Perfectly correct. Our cheque for £32,000.

£921 in cash...

and I have deducted £775 for this.

-A pawn ticket?

-For the pendant.

PHONE RINGS Excuse me. ..Hello?

-..Miss Daviot?

-Mr Lumb, how nice of you to ring.

Don't hang about in the office. The police'll be there soon.

They're here already. Norman's here too. I've settled up with him.

With what funds?!

-The winnings from the pound

-I

-put on Eddie Diamond.

-What?!

-I covered our liability with another firm,

then I laid off Norman's accumulator after his fourth win using the pendant for security.

D'you mean you've saved our bacon? You're a genius. I love you.

-I can't do without you.

-Will you ask me to marry you?

-Anything you like.

See you in Paris at the George Cinq. May I call you Betty?

..I may? Thank you, Miss Daviot.

..Gilbert, we're on my honeymoon.

Norman!

Just like his father!

-Mum!

-You've been betting and getting in the papers!

I brought our holiday bottle back. This is my fiancee.

Your fiancee? Whatever next? DOOR SLAMS >

Ah! Greetings, my boy. My successful boy.

Dad!

My darling, how wrong I've been and how much I've missed you.

Let's forget the past and start all over again, shall we, eh?

Subtitles by Neil Gemmill BBC Scotland - 1999