Surviving Christmas


Surviving Christmas

Yuletide family comedy. An obnoxious millionaire (Ben Affleck) facing another lonely Christmas offers a family a huge sum of money to let him spend it with them as their son.


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Transcript


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MUSIC: It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year by Andy Williams

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# It's the most wonderful time of the year

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# With the kids jingle-belling and everyone telling you

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# "Be of good cheer"

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# It's the most wonderful time of the year

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# It's the hap-happiest season of all

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# With those holiday greetings and gay, happy meetings

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# When friends come to call

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# It's the hap-happiest season of all!

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# There'll be parties for hosting, marshmallows for toasting

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# And carolling out in the snow

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# There'll be scary ghost stories and tales of the glories

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# Of Christmases long, long ago

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# It's the most wonderful time of the year

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# There'll be much mistletoeing and hearts will be glowing

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# When loved ones are near

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# It's the most wonderful time of the year!

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# There'll be parties for hosting, marshmallows for toasting

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# And carolling out in the snow

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# There'll be scary ghost stories and tales of the glories

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# Of Christmases long, long ago

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# Oh, oh, ohhhhhhhh!

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# Oh, it's the most

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# Wonderful time of the year

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# There'll be much mistletoeing and hearts will be glowing

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# When loved ones are near

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# It's the most wonderful time

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# Yes, the most wonderful time

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# Oh, the most wonderful time

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# Of the year! #

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My firm has discovered two critical things.

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One - most Americans feel that Christmas is a time for family.

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Two - most Americans feel that in order to stand

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being around their family for even one or two days,

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they need to swill as much alcohol as humanly possible. Now...

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I'd like you to meet the Noggertons.

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They're a classic American family - they're together on Christmas,

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they're fat free and they're 10% alcohol by volume. Enjoy our family

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-so you can enjoy your family. What do you think?

-So you're suggesting

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we tell people that the only way to get through the holidays

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-is to drink spiked eggnog?

-I'm suggesting we tell people

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the only way to get through the holidays is to buy YOUR fat-free,

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pre-spiked eggnog in a bottle.

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-Take care. All right.

-It's all good.

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-How do you do it?

-I'm very excited. Looking forward to it.

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-It went pretty well, huh?

-I'm a genius.

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-I feel like I could sell whale steaks to Greenpeace!

-Nice image(!)

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-Here are your tickets to Fiji.

-Ahhh!

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Missy, we've been dating for a while now and I feel

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we should take our relationship to the next level.

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-I have been hoping you would say that.

-So I got you

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-a pre-Christmas Christmas gift.

-Yeah?

-I want you to open it now

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because...it involves our future...

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a future of you and me together.

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It's, er...it's kind of for both of us in that way.

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OK.

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-Tickets to Fiji?

-Yes.

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-First class.

-Drew, on Christmas?

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Christmas is the family holiday!

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I mean, what are we doing?! What is this?! What is going on?!

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Where is this relationship headed?!

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Fiji!

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-First class!

-Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!

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OK... here's an example

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of one of our problems - you've never introduced me to your family!

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You've never even mentioned your family!

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And how can you be serious about me

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if you're not serious about your own family?! You need help, Drew!

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I think you're missing the point. If I told you everything about me,

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there'd be nothing left to discover. When there's nothing left

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to discover, a relationship dies. You don't want

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-this relationship to die, do you?

-It just did.

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C'mon! Don't be like that!

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Oh, you're going to be like that?! Go ahead, go!

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I'm going to spend Christmas with my family.

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You can spend Christmas alone.

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Missy...

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HE SIGHS

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Kathryn, I need you to, er...get, like, a Cartier bracelet

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to send to Missy. Something very expensive, a lot of diamonds,

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very flashy. Include a personal note from me.

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-What do you want it to say?

-You know, something very personal

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that shows the depth of my feelings, my emotions. You're good at that.

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OK, but it's not going to work.

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That's my man.

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Ohhhh, Dougie! Doogan! Doog-ray! Douglas!

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It's Drew.

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Drew Latham. Ha-ha-ha. Yeah, what's up, man?

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Ah, nothin', nothin'! Er, hey, man, what are you doin' for Christmas?

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Family? Nice. Nice call. Er, you got room for one more?

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Well, I think we are that close.

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I love Jewish Christ... I'll light candles, spin the dreidel.

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It'll be great! A matzo-ball soup and baklava!

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All right, that's Greek, whatever, I'm just... You still there?

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No, I know you have a baby, I'm just saying, like, you know,

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what do they do? They just lie there and crap themselves, right?

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How interesting is that? No, I'm not saying anything bad,

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I'm just sayin'... Huh?

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Well, maybe your wife doesn't have to come, man.

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Maybe it's just me and you for Christmas, dude.

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Would you mind if I came by to your house and spend Christmas?

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It's like, er... It'll be one or two, three days tops.

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HE SIGHS

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Ahhh! All right. Merry Christmas.

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OK, right over here. Right over here. Stay together. All real good.

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-OK, you got...

-Freeman! Doctor Freeman!

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-Thank God I found you!

-Oh, please, sir! Sir!

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Dr Freeman, I've got to spend Christmas alone! I'm having a panic attack!

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-You got to help me!

-Just one question. Who are you?

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I'm the boyfriend of one of your patients. Missy Vangilder.

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-Oh, you're Drew! You're Drew!

-Yes.

-Oh, God!

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-What does that mean?

-Nothing. Forget it. So, how did you find me?

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I bribed a woman at your service. Tell her to raise her standards

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-or you got to fire her. She caved for 200 bucks.

-Whatever.

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-I just need a few minutes of your time.

-Backpacks on the belt.

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-You got to help me out! I don't want to spend Christmas alone!

-Please!

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-Sir, teddy bear on the belt.

-Can't she walk it through?

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-She's got to put the bear on the belt.

-It's a puppy!

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-Put Tutu on the belt and she'll go for a ride.

-My Tutu!

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-I need one second.

-If you could just, please! Give me the puppy.

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-Step through.

-You're abusing your child.

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-Sir.

-CAN'T YOU SEE I'VE GOT MY OWN PROBLEMS?!

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-Whoa! Whoa, now!

-I'm sorry. I am so sorry.

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OK. OK. Hey, I know,

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erm,... I heard it on the radio once, best I can do. All right.

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-Write down all your grievances about your family.

-All your grievances.

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Go someplace that reminds you, er, of your childhood at sunset

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and light the paper and as the last shred of paper is burning away,

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-you whisper the words,... "I forgive you."

-I forgive you?

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-Mm-hm.

-And it burns up.

-That's it.

-I like it!

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-Oh, thanks so much, man! Have a good vaca!

-OK. Where's my daughter?

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-Sir?

-Oh, there she is!

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Whoa! C'mon out! C'mon out for Daddy!

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My grievances.

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OK, buddy, here we go. That'll be 72.50. My God!

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-That's it! That's the house I grew up in!

-How's the 72.50 comin'?

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Good. It's comin' good.

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Keep the meter running.

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-Almost out of salami.

-No(!)

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-Well, thank you for telling me.

-I don't want to run out, that's all.

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-God forbid.

-Did Brian eat?

-I dunno.

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-Brian, get down here and eat your dinner!

-I'm not hungry!

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-Yeah, you are!

-Stop yelling at me.

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I'm not yelling at you.

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Brian!

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SHE SIGHS

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BRIAN, GET DOWN HERE, PLEASE, SO YOUR FATHER CAN STOP

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-NOT YELLING AT ME!

-I'm busy!

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We shouldn't have put the computer in his room.

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-He's going to spend all his time there.

-Tom, he's advancing his skills.

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One day that computer is going to get our baby a good job.

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EROTIC MUSIC

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What he's doin' up there, nobody's going to pay him for it

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cos if they did, I would've retired at 17.

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-What?

-There's a guy out there.

-Who the hell is that?

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All right, alone on Christmas. I can do this.

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I'm going to rid myself of all my grievances. Be gone, grievances.

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What the...?

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I forgive you!

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Holy moly! This joker...!

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TYRES SCREECH

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MUSIC: Dance Of The Sugar Plum Fairies by Ed Hartman

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What are the neighbours going to think?

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He shouldn't have been burning crap in my yard.

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Is he still breathing?

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Dear God, you've killed the man!

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-Oh, shit, he's still alive!

-GROANING: Hello.

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Oh!

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My name is Drew Latham. Agh!

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Er, I-I-I-I grew up in this house.

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So that's why you tried to burn it down, huh? Brian, call the cops.

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Oh, no, no, no, that won't be necessary!

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I was just outside burning, er... Someone told me to burn a list

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of my grievances outside of the home of my birth

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to help me with some loneliness issues. It's fine.

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-Oh.

-Anyhoo, apologies and, er, I'm going to go.

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Would you mind terribly if I took a look-see around the house?

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-I'll give you a tour.

-Thank you.

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Hold on.

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-You got any more matches?

-No. No, no, no.

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-Are we done with all that?

-Yes! The burning? Yes, it's completely done.

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-I'm actually quite better.

-I'm watching you.

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Wow! I can't believe it! This is amazing!

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It's exactly how I remember!

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-You're saying it was always a shithole?

-No. No, it's great.

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SQUEAK

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Did you hear that?

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SQUEAK That stair squeaked.

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SQUEAK

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You know what we used to call that squeaky stair?

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The squeaky stair!

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HE LAUGHS AND STAIR SQUEAKS

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HE GIGGLES

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SQUEAKING

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Wow! My old room.

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My God! Hey, look at that! I can touch the ceiling!

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-It's so much smaller than I remember it. Did you do something?

-Yeah.

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We had it reduced(!) Cost a lot but, yeah, I think it was,

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er...yeah, I think it was worth it.

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This is great! This is the best, you guys sittin' around,

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eatin' dinner like a family. I always wanted that.

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It's just really wonderful.

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-Wonderful.

-So, er, what's for dessert?!

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-Kitchen's closed.

-Awww!

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-I got things to do.

-Oh, boy!

-Tom, why don't you see the man out?

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-I didn't want to let him in. I'll call you a cab.

-Is that necessary?

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-Er, yeah, it is, yeah.

-You know, man, I got to tell ya,

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all these years I've been kind of avoiding Christmas

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and I just kind of realised, like, this is what I've been longing for -

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a real family, you know, in a true home. That's why I'm thinkin'

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it might be a good idea if I lived with you.

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Huh! DOOR SLAMS

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DOOR KNOCKS

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Tom.

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Tom!

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-Tom, please! Please let me stay here!

-No.

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-I'll pay you!

-My family's not for sale, pal.

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Tom, I'll pay you 250,000!

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Welcome home, son.

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LIQUID TRICKLES

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Mom...!

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TV CHATTER

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-(Tom, that guy is still here!)

-Yeah, I know.

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(Why is he still here?!)

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He's giving us 250,000 to be his family for Christmas.

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And you agreed to this without asking me?

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-Of course I did, he's giving us 250,000.

-And how would you like it

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-if I agreed to this without asking you?

-That would depend.

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Would we be getting 250,000?

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OK, what exactly did you agree to?

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-It's a big day for this family.

-Very well.

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All right, er, Mr Latham agrees to pay the sum of 250,000

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to the Valcos for services rendered until 11:59pm on Christmas Day

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and for said sum, the Valco family will aid Mr Latham

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in recapturing those childhood Christmas memories,

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including, but not limited to... all due festiveness,

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celebrations, various and sundry merriments and yuletide glee.

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-Agreed!

-Agreed, right?

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Fakin' it anyway, might as well get paid.

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-Will there be anything else?

-Oh, yeah! I got to sleep in Brian's room.

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What? No. Where is this goin' here?

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Like it says in the contract, I get to sleep in my old room!

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Creepy, grievance guy wants to sleep in my room?! If I wanted that,

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I'd use a bus ticket these guys keep sending me

0:18:350:18:37

over the internet!

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Oh, man, I just want to sleep in my old room!

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-Brian, you're in the guest room.

-My computer's not in the guest room.

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-How am I supposed to...study?

-Use your imagination.

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Well, I'm going to catch some shuteye.

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Er, who wants to go Christmas-tree shopping with me in the morning?!

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Er, apparently, you all do.

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HE YAWNS

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I'm home.

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Argh! Agh!

0:19:350:19:38

< Brian?! Brian?!

0:19:380:19:40

-I didn't do it.

-It's all right. I'll fix it!

0:19:400:19:44

LAUGHING: I'll fix it. Argh!

0:19:440:19:47

Well, that should do it, assuming no other idiot decides to...

0:19:520:19:56

-Is he eatin' my salami?

-That's what it looks like.

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-It's nine in the mornin'.

-I know, it's not really breakfast food,

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-but it was lookin' good in the fridge.

-Yeah, it is good.

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-Is that the last of it?

-Yep.

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Ohhhh! You didn't want some, did ya?

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-No, it's all right. It's fine, it's fine.

-Ah.

0:20:350:20:38

Kathryn, should anyone DESPERATELY need to reach me,

0:20:410:20:45

they can call me on my cellphone. If you need to send me anything,

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the address is 2 Edgewood Road in Lincoln Wood, Illinois.

0:20:490:20:53

Stayin' with my family.

0:20:530:20:55

Hey, Dad.

0:20:550:20:58

He's talkin' to you, genius.

0:20:590:21:02

Yeah, Drew?

0:21:030:21:06

Would you, er, do me a kindness? Put this hat on.

0:21:060:21:09

My dad always used to wear a Santa hat

0:21:090:21:12

-when we went Christmas-tree shopping.

-CHUCKLING: In public?

0:21:120:21:16

-Yeah.

-That would be no. And in private that would be no, too.

0:21:160:21:20

-Please wear the hat.

-No, I'm not wearing that hat.

0:21:210:21:25

-Tom...you got to wear the hat.

-I'm not wearing the hat.

0:21:250:21:29

-Wear the hat, Tom.

-I'm not wearing the hat. Get it away from me

0:21:290:21:32

before I shove it up your ass!

0:21:320:21:35

Tom, are you familiar with the phrase "breach of contract"?

0:21:350:21:39

-Gimme the hat.

-All right.

0:21:430:21:46

250,000.

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250,000.

0:21:490:21:51

250,000.

0:21:510:21:53

You're lookin' good, Dad.

0:21:530:21:55

-Shut up!

-Hey, Tom!

-You hear me?!

0:21:550:21:57

-TOM!

-Eyes on the road! Dad!

0:21:570:21:59

TYRES SCREECH

0:21:590:22:01

No.

0:22:010:22:03

Nope.

0:22:060:22:08

Wait a minute. This could be it. This could be it.

0:22:080:22:12

-Yep, this is it. This is the one.

-OK.

0:22:120:22:14

You're good. Excuse me, folks. Dad, you want to lift that up,

0:22:140:22:19

have a little respect for the tree or...? No?

0:22:190:22:22

It's going to be in our house, so, er... Wait, wait.

0:22:220:22:26

Where are we goin' with this?

0:22:260:22:29

All right, let's get that baby up there. Hoist that up.

0:22:290:22:32

-Get that on the roof.

-Ugh!

-Alrighty!

0:22:320:22:35

Here we go. All right! You got it. There you go.

0:22:350:22:40

-Get around! Get around on it! Get around on it!

-Rarh!

0:22:400:22:43

-Brian, get your skinny little ass out of the car!

-You got it, Dad!

0:22:430:22:47

You got it! You got it! Nice one.

0:22:470:22:50

All right, I think it's good. I think it's good like that.

0:22:500:22:53

Whoo! Christmas time.

0:22:530:22:55

-How does it look?

-Like it could trigger a seizure.

0:23:010:23:04

-I know. Wait till you see it lit up.

-I thought it was lit up.

0:23:040:23:08

Oh, no, no! We got to sing Christmas Tree first. Tom, you take the lead.

0:23:080:23:13

-You want me to sing?

-Yeah.

0:23:130:23:16

-Do I have to?

-Yeah.

0:23:170:23:21

-Would it make any difference to you if I didn't want to?

-Not really.

0:23:210:23:25

Go on.

0:23:270:23:29

# O Christmas tree, O Chri... # Christine...

0:23:310:23:34

-you want to help me out here a little bit?

-No, you're doin' great.

0:23:340:23:37

You're doin' good, Dad. C'mon, you can do it.

0:23:370:23:40

BOTH: # O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree

0:23:440:23:48

# You stand in woodland beauty

0:23:480:23:51

# You are as green

0:23:510:23:54

-# In summer snow...

-Winter snow.

0:23:540:23:56

# Winter snow

0:23:560:23:58

BOTH: # As in summer's richest glow

0:23:580:24:01

# O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree

0:24:010:24:06

# You stand in woodland beauty

0:24:060:24:11

# Ahhhhhhhhhh! # That was great!

0:24:110:24:14

-That was really good.

-Yeah, it was... Yeah.

-All right.

0:24:140:24:18

Without further ado, let's fire it up! Ready?

0:24:180:24:21

One! Two! KNOCK AT DOOR

0:24:210:24:23

HE GROANS

0:24:230:24:24

All right, people, take five. I'll deal with this.

0:24:240:24:27

(Thank Christ!)

0:24:270:24:28

KNOCKING CONTINUES Can I help you?

0:24:280:24:31

Yeah. Who are you?

0:24:330:24:36

-Erm, who are you?

-Alicia!

0:24:360:24:39

-Hey, Mom.

-Yay!

-Hi. Who is this?

0:24:390:24:42

-Mom, who is this?

-OK, what is going on?

0:24:420:24:46

Your dad's rented us out for the holidays to this millionaire.

0:24:460:24:49

Christine, since when do you have a daughter?

0:24:490:24:52

-It's her terrible secret(!)

-This is going to ruin everything!

0:24:520:24:55

-The whole bit doesn't work! I...

-You know what? Erm... Ssh!

0:24:550:24:59

-Will somebody just say something that makes some sense?

-Well, every year round Christmas I get...

0:24:590:25:04

-No, no, no, no! You, stop talking. Mom?

-Drew wants...

0:25:040:25:07

-a family Christmas, so we're going to be his family.

-That's insane.

0:25:070:25:11

-Tell me about it! I never had a sister, so this is bullshit.

-OK.

0:25:110:25:15

-You are my illegitimate love child...

-Mom!

0:25:150:25:18

-..and you had no idea about her.

-Or she could be the maid!

0:25:180:25:22

-OK! Enough!

-Hey, my baby's home!

0:25:220:25:25

-Hi, Daddy.

-How are ya, Lici?

-Hi.

0:25:250:25:27

I'm good. You've obviously lost your mind.

0:25:270:25:30

-Can I talk to you in the dining room?

-You knew about this?

0:25:300:25:34

-You stay away from my daughter.

-Mom...

0:25:340:25:36

-this guy is obviously crazy...

-I know.

-..so I'm going to go upstairs

0:25:360:25:40

and when I wake up in the morning, he's going to be gone. Right?

0:25:400:25:44

-Maybe.

-Cos, you know, I'm not going to be a good sport about this.

0:25:440:25:48

-Oh, darling, we would never expect you to be!

-Thanks.

0:25:480:25:53

< C'mon, Mom, it's tree time!

0:25:530:25:56

Okey-dokey. All right, we're back on track!

0:26:000:26:04

Yeah.

0:26:080:26:10

OK...here we go!

0:26:100:26:13

One! Two! Three!

0:26:130:26:16

-Now it feels like Christmas.

-I can smell my eyeballs burning.

0:26:180:26:23

Brian, it's very important, don't look directly at the tree.

0:26:230:26:26

-Brian!

-What?!

-Wake up! It's your brother, kind of!

0:26:360:26:39

It's snowing outside! It's snow day!

0:26:390:26:42

Why the hell are you waking me up?!

0:26:420:26:44

-I don't want you to miss the fun, man!

-What fun?

0:26:440:26:49

Ohhhh! Facial! Ice ball! Whoo! Look out!

0:26:490:26:54

-Oooooooooh! Right in the nuts!

-I can't feel my toes.

0:26:540:26:58

-Here he comes! The look of vengeance! Eye of the tiger!

-Ugh!

0:26:580:27:03

Oh! Oh! Now he's getting furious! Whoo! Whoo!

0:27:030:27:06

Whoo!

0:27:070:27:09

-What's up, Tom?

-Brian, go inside.

0:27:120:27:16

-See you later, Bri! It was fun.

-You like throwing snowballs?

0:27:160:27:20

-Ah, I was just having a good time, you know?

-Yeah.

0:27:200:27:24

-Throw one at me.

-Ah, it's cool! It's all right. Don't worry about it.

0:27:240:27:28

-We're kind of finished now.

-C'mon! Like you said, it'll be fun.

0:27:280:27:31

-It's gettin' a little chilly, it's all right.

-C'mon, throw it.

0:27:310:27:36

All right, I'll throw one. I'll throw one.

0:27:380:27:41

Good one.

0:27:460:27:50

Now it's my turn.

0:27:500:27:52

SCREAMS: No!

0:27:540:27:55

That was great. Any time you want to do that again, you let me know.

0:27:580:28:02

-We said no ice balls, man.

-Did we?

0:28:020:28:05

Morning, Mom. Freak.

0:28:070:28:09

You know what? We may have gotten off on the wrong track the other day.

0:28:110:28:17

-We should just start over.

-Here you go.

-Aw, thanks, Mom!

0:28:170:28:20

-Mmmm...

-Problem?

0:28:200:28:22

Yeah, my real mom puts marshmallows in the hot chocolate.

0:28:220:28:26

You know what I was thinking? If you don't want to play my sister,

0:28:260:28:29

maybe you could be, like, a mysterious Ecuadorean cleaning lady.

0:28:290:28:34

Or a Swedish cleaning lady. I think cleaning lady is good.

0:28:340:28:38

-Oh! Mmmm...

-What?!

0:28:380:28:40

My real mom used the mini marshmallows. Sorry.

0:28:400:28:44

Speaking of your real mom, why aren't you annoying the hell out of

0:28:440:28:47

-your own family?

-That's not really your business, is it, Consuela?

0:28:470:28:51

Ho, ho, ho!

0:28:580:29:01

Alrighty! Welcome, everyone.

0:29:010:29:03

-There you are.

-What is this?

-These are what we in the business

0:29:050:29:09

-call scripts, Tom.

-Excuse me?

-You don't have to worry about it

0:29:090:29:13

-because your role is what we call small.

-Er, well, you're what

0:29:130:29:16

-we in real life call a jackass.

-I don't know about that

0:29:160:29:20

but I do know that my being here

0:29:200:29:22

-may have caused some awkwardness within the family.

-You think(?)

0:29:220:29:25

I do, Tom, seriously, and it's even possible that some of it could,

0:29:250:29:29

er, potentially be in some small way partly my fault.

0:29:290:29:33

-Which part wasn't your fault?

-Ah, bop, bop, bop, bop! I'm talking, OK?

0:29:330:29:37

So what I've done is I went ahead and wrote a sequence

0:29:370:29:41

so you guys can get a sense of what I'm goin' for here.

0:29:410:29:44

-We're all going to read this aloud.

-I feel like I'm insane.

-And...

0:29:440:29:48

-that's why you have no lines. Mom, I believe you go first.

-OK.

0:29:480:29:52

"Oh, look at us! I sure hope you like the meal

0:29:520:29:57

"I so lovingly prepared for the people I love.

0:29:570:30:00

"She smiles at Tom." No...

0:30:000:30:02

-Have you acted? You've acted before.

-A little theatre.

-Yeah.

0:30:040:30:08

-I can tell. I can see it.

-You were in Pippin in high school.

0:30:080:30:12

-You played wind.

-Tom, you have the next line.

0:30:120:30:17

Er... "Say thank you to your mother for all her hard work

0:30:170:30:21

-cooking this meal for us."

-"Thank you."

0:30:210:30:24

-"Oh, I don't work nearly as hard as you, dear!"

-That's true.

0:30:240:30:28

- Tom, let's stay on book, please. Brian, go ahead! - "Gee, Mom,

0:30:280:30:33

"I love you like the dickens. Should we pray?"

0:30:330:30:35

Gee, Beav, do you think Wally's going to give ya the business?

0:30:350:30:40

Oh, there you are, Consuela! Five waters for everyone, please.

0:30:400:30:45

Gracias.

0:30:450:30:47

Er, Brian, you were about to say grace.

0:30:470:30:50

- "Dear God..." - Brian, we hold hands in this family at grace.

0:30:500:30:54

"Dear God, thank you for this meal. Thank you for blessing us

0:30:570:31:02

"with a family. Not everyone has a nice family and also we, O Lord,

0:31:020:31:06

"are so lucky to have Drew in our lives."

0:31:060:31:09

Amen.

0:31:090:31:11

"An emotional moment." Sorry, I keep doing that.

0:31:130:31:16

"Brian, if you eat it all up,

0:31:160:31:19

"I will let you sleep with me like I never did when you were little."

0:31:190:31:22

An awkward moment.

0:31:250:31:27

Skip ahead! That doesn't work! That's not supposed to be in there!

0:31:270:31:31

What does this mean? "Doo-Dah enters in his bathrobe."

0:31:310:31:34

Sweet Jim Jiminy! Cold corn in the mornin'!

0:31:340:31:38

-Whoo-hoo! This weather is killin' my joints!

-Brian, go get the shovel.

0:31:380:31:43

Oh, no, no, no! Listen! When Alicia came, she ruined everything.

0:31:430:31:46

-Because everything was so normal up until that point(?)

-Silencio.

0:31:460:31:50

So what I had to do was expand the family to get my real family -

0:31:500:31:54

I had to find my grandpa! So I went and found my doo-dah! Here he is!

0:31:540:31:58

Your doo-dah looks exactly like the guy we saw in Christmas Carol -

0:31:580:32:02

-Scrooge.

-I do a lot of community theatre. This Christmas night

0:32:020:32:05

I'm reprising my role as Scrooge in the Lincoln Wood

0:32:050:32:09

theatre group's production of A Christmas Carol.

0:32:090:32:12

- I hope you can make it. - Please stay in character, Saul, OK? "Doo-Dah,

0:32:120:32:16

"I'm so glad that you came here and you're going to stay for the holidays!"

0:32:160:32:20

Whoa, whoa, whoa! No, he's not! I agreed to let YOU in the house,

0:32:200:32:23

-not Doo-Doo over here!

-Doo-Dah.

0:32:230:32:25

-Nobody's talkin' to you!

-All right, look, I'll give you 25,000.

0:32:250:32:29

How ya doin', er, Doo-Dah? You can stay in the living room.

0:32:320:32:35

-No, no, Dad, I'm sleeping in the living room.

-Not any more.

0:32:350:32:39

Where am I going to sleep?!

0:32:390:32:41

DOG BARKS

0:32:410:32:44

BUZZES

0:32:460:32:47

Agh! I hate these people.

0:32:470:32:49

MUSIC: Christmas Wrapping by The Waitresses

0:32:500:32:52

# Bah, humbug, no, that's too strong Cos it's my favourite holiday

0:32:520:32:55

# But all this year's been a busy blur

0:32:550:32:58

# Don't think I have the energy

0:32:580:32:59

# So deck those halls, trim those trees

0:32:590:33:02

# Raise up cups of Christmas cheer... #

0:33:020:33:04

Everybody, get some presents, get your shopping done,

0:33:040:33:07

then meet back at four o'clock at Santa's Village to take pictures.

0:33:070:33:11

Kids, don't lose track of time! Mom, you want to stick with Doo-Dah?

0:33:110:33:15

-Why me?

-He's your father.

0:33:150:33:17

-How come you never call?

-Tom, Tom, Tom!

0:33:180:33:21

-Yes, Drew?

-Aren't you forgettin' somethin', T-Bone?

0:33:210:33:24

Here you go, Lenny. Happy holidays to you and the family.

0:33:260:33:30

-Thanks. You, too.

-Hey, Tommy!

0:33:300:33:32

-LAUGHS: Nice hat!

-How is the holidays?

0:33:320:33:36

Considerin' I got a pain in my ass

0:33:360:33:38

-about six-feet tall in my house, all right.

-Relatives, huh?

0:33:380:33:41

-Kind of.

-Oh, your wife's family! They hang around your house all day

0:33:410:33:45

-and drink your beer.

-Then eat your salami.

0:33:450:33:48

Hey, guys! Wait up!

0:33:500:33:52

SHE SIGHS

0:33:520:33:54

TYRES SCREECH AND HORNS BLARE

0:33:540:33:56

DRIVER: Asshole!

0:33:560:33:58

# You better watch out, you better not cry

0:33:580:34:00

# You better not pout I'm telling you why

0:34:000:34:03

# Santa Claus is comin' to town

0:34:030:34:06

# He's makin' a list and checkin' it twice

0:34:100:34:12

# He's going to find out who's naughty or nice

0:34:120:34:15

-# Santa Claus... #

-All right, there we go!

0:34:150:34:19

Excuse me!

0:34:190:34:22

SANTA: All of you?!

0:34:220:34:25

-Mom, this sucks.

-Tell your father, he made the deal.

0:34:290:34:32

-Say, "Merry Christmas."

-SANTA AND DREW: Merry Christmas!

0:34:320:34:37

-Doo-Dah, interest you in a Christmas cookie?

-I can't, I'm diabetic.

0:34:410:34:45

The real Doo-Dah wasn't diabetic, so go ahead and take one.

0:34:450:34:49

Look, kid, I get that, but if I eat this thing, I can't act not dead!

0:34:490:34:54

TYRES SCREECH

0:34:540:34:55

Hey! Slow down, the roads are icy

0:34:550:34:57

-and I don't want you TO KILL YOUR FAMILY!

-Perfect, Christine.

0:34:570:35:01

-That's just what my mom would have said.

-Before your father

0:35:010:35:05

threw her out of the car.

0:35:050:35:06

-Ah, the old carriage house! Brings back memories.

-What's goin' on?

0:35:080:35:12

-Brian, go inside.

-What?! C'mon! Dad, look,

0:35:120:35:16

-I'm in my pyjamas! What, you want me to sleep outside?!

-Go!

0:35:160:35:20

Fine.

0:35:200:35:23

I can't go in my room, I get... You know,

0:35:230:35:25

when I become a serial killer, don't act all surprised.

0:35:250:35:29

Think positive! Use your positive mindset!

0:35:290:35:32

That's not what we talked about!

0:35:320:35:34

It's hard to get through to him. So, what's goin' on? What's up?

0:35:340:35:37

-You got to go.

-What?

-We can't do this no more.

0:35:370:35:42

-What do you mean? What can't we do?

-Christine and I...

0:35:420:35:45

-Uh-huh.

-..we're thinkin' about breakin' up.

0:35:450:35:49

What?! Why?! Is it my fault?! Is it something I did?!

0:35:490:35:53

-Is it the hat?! Don't worry about the hat! Forget it!

-No, it's not you!

0:35:530:35:57

It's nothin' to do with you! It's been goin' on for a long time!

0:35:570:36:01

It's not workin' out. We were going to wait till after the holidays

0:36:010:36:06

to tell the kids and, you know, with you here

0:36:060:36:09

-with your Christmas-cheer crap, it's makin' it worse.

-Tom, first of all,

0:36:090:36:13

I want to reward you for openin' up with a big thank you

0:36:130:36:16

cos that deserves some credit. Second of all,

0:36:160:36:19

let me tell you what you need to do. If I was you, coming into some money,

0:36:190:36:23

I'd do somethin' you always wanted!

0:36:230:36:25

-Somethin' for Tom that makes you happy!

-I want the money,

0:36:250:36:29

-I really do. It's Christine, she...

-Let me worry about Christine, OK?

0:36:290:36:35

I'll worry about Christine, you worry about Tom cos it's Tom time.

0:36:350:36:41

KNOCKS ON DOOR

0:36:410:36:42

-Christine.

-Yes?

-Can I talk to you about something?

0:36:420:36:45

Of course, dear. I'm your mother, you can talk to me about anything.

0:36:450:36:48

-Are, er, are you all right?

-Uh-huh.

0:36:480:36:52

-Are you sure? Cos you just put a bra in Brian's sock drawer.

-Oh.

0:36:520:36:57

That's your brother - 15, likes to experiment. We still love him.

0:36:570:37:01

Look, Christine,

0:37:010:37:04

I know about what's going on with you and Tom

0:37:040:37:07

and, first of all, I just want to say that, er,

0:37:070:37:10

I'm feelin' a little ripped off here, you know,

0:37:100:37:13

cos I thought I was gettin' a real family.

0:37:130:37:15

Well, it's time you grew up and faced facts, then, isn't it?

0:37:150:37:19

Mommies and daddies fall in love, make babies, pay bills,

0:37:190:37:22

get mad and stop touching each other!

0:37:220:37:25

Er, second of all, I was thinking maybe I could do something

0:37:280:37:32

to make you feel better. How about just me and you go shoppin'?

0:37:320:37:36

-For what?

-I dunno. Let's go shoppin'! You know what I mean?

0:37:360:37:40

It's fun just to buy shit sometimes! Listen to me. I know

0:37:400:37:43

all the best make-up and hair people.

0:37:430:37:46

-Er, the best fashion photographer in Chicago owes me HUGE!

-So...?

0:37:460:37:50

You don't see it, do you?

0:37:500:37:52

You don't see what a beautiful woman you are.

0:37:520:37:56

You have grace and kindness and...sensuality

0:37:560:38:00

and this incredibly striking,

0:38:000:38:03

kind of, offbeat beauty that's... You look in the mirror

0:38:030:38:06

and you don't see it. We're going to show it to you.

0:38:060:38:09

How would you like me to arrange your very own hip,

0:38:090:38:12

very sexy, yet tasteful, very elegant, very modern,

0:38:120:38:15

very expensive photoshoot just for you?

0:38:150:38:19

SHE SOBS

0:38:220:38:23

Or not. I mean, whatever...

0:38:230:38:26

Oh, Drew, you've made your mother so happy!

0:38:260:38:29

Great!

0:38:310:38:33

SHE SOBS

0:38:330:38:34

Oh, Mom! Mom.

0:38:340:38:36

Hey, Alicia! You want to go tobogganing with me?

0:38:430:38:47

Oh, I'm sorry, Drew, have I been sending you mixed signals?!

0:38:470:38:50

I just thought maybe instead of sitting around the house

0:38:500:38:54

hating me all day, you might actually like to have some fun.

0:38:540:38:57

No, thanks.

0:38:570:38:59

Ahhh, I see! I get it. You're afraid of fun.

0:38:590:39:04

-You don't like having fun.

-What does that even mean,

0:39:040:39:07

"I don't like fun"? Of course I like fun. Everybody likes fun,

0:39:070:39:11

-it's fun.

-All right, so, then, why won't you go with me?

0:39:110:39:16

-Because it would be with you.

-You know what I think?

0:39:160:39:19

I think you're afraid that you will go and you will actually have fun

0:39:190:39:23

and you might even enjoy yourself a little bit

0:39:230:39:26

-and you'd be with me and, then, what would that say about you?!

-Really?

0:39:260:39:30

-Mm-hm.

-Let's go.

0:39:300:39:34

-All right.

-Ready, Freddie.

0:39:350:39:38

-Well, hello there, youngsters! Goin' tobogganing, huh?

-Breakneck Hill.

0:39:380:39:42

-That'll be fun.

-Yeah.

0:39:420:39:44

-What do you know?

-Back in my day, we couldn't afford fancy toboggans.

0:39:440:39:49

Are you smoking pot?

0:39:490:39:50

HORN TOOTS

0:39:500:39:52

RADIO BLARES

0:39:520:39:54

-What do you think?

-Nice.

0:39:580:40:01

-This'll keep you from dying(!)

-I had one of these when I was single,

0:40:010:40:05

-let me tell ya.

-I bet.

-You know what happened to me on the way here?

0:40:050:40:10

-No.

-Got propositioned by a hooker. Yeah?

-The blonde with the big cans?

0:40:100:40:14

-Hey, Doo-Doo, watch your language around my daughter!

-Bri!

0:40:140:40:18

-Take a look at your father's new automobile!

-What do you think?

0:40:180:40:22

-It's old.

-< All right, all right. Hey, Bri, c'mon.

0:40:220:40:26

-We're going to go tobogganing.

-That's...great.

0:40:260:40:30

She's ready.

0:40:340:40:36

Hi. I'm Christine.

0:40:370:40:39

I feel so pretty.

0:40:410:40:43

-What are you doing?

-Modelling.

0:40:500:40:52

Here.

0:40:540:40:57

Chad, have you ever seen me so elated?

0:40:580:41:03

It must be this woman. Yes! Isn't she sexy?

0:41:030:41:07

Erotic?

0:41:070:41:09

-Speak!

-Oh, absolutely, Heinrich!

0:41:090:41:12

-She's got that special quality -

-Get out.

-But I'm agreeing with you.

0:41:120:41:16

-You hesitated.

-Yeah, you heard him. Get out!

0:41:160:41:20

-Beat it!

-Get out!

0:41:200:41:22

-Beat it!

-Uh-oh! He thinks we're serious!

0:41:220:41:26

We're very serious.

0:41:270:41:30

Very serious.

0:41:300:41:32

Yeah! Yeah!

0:41:340:41:37

Ausgezeichnet! Ja! Yeah!

0:41:370:41:40

Ja!

0:41:400:41:42

Ah, erotik! Ja! Ja!

0:41:420:41:44

Oh, yeah! Great!

0:41:440:41:47

Oh, more! Lick the lollipop! Ja!

0:41:470:41:51

-I do not want to do this!

-Oh, you say that now!

0:41:510:41:54

Once you get goin', you'll run and jump and squeal with joy!

0:41:540:41:59

-OK?

-All right, let's do this.

-Here we go. Centre your weight!

0:41:590:42:04

Breakneck Hill!

0:42:040:42:06

Whoo-hoo!

0:42:100:42:12

Whoo! Whoo! That was crazy(!) Did you see him fly down the hill?!

0:42:120:42:15

-That was crazy(!)

-It was obviously scarier...

0:42:150:42:18

-Can we go home now?

-..when I was younger. No!

0:42:180:42:21

We are going to risk permanent paralysis or going to die trying!

0:42:210:42:25

That one! Land!

0:42:300:42:32

Yes, sir! Whoo! It's going to be some serious fun!

0:42:360:42:40

Sure, in a Sonny Bono kind of way.

0:42:400:42:43

What's that I hear back there? A little chicken? A little...

0:42:430:42:46

HE CLUCKS

0:42:460:42:48

-..chicken?

-Yeah, and very much so.

0:42:480:42:51

-I'm going to go home now.

-Seriously? You're leaving?

0:42:510:42:54

-See you at the chopper.

-Wow! Never thought I'd see the day

0:42:540:42:58

that taunt would lose its power. What about you? A little chick?

0:42:580:43:01

No, actually, er, a part of me thinks that it's incredibly stupid

0:43:010:43:05

and the other part of me is in wholehearted agreement.

0:43:050:43:09

-That means you're chicken.

-You know what I think? I think that you

0:43:090:43:12

had no intention of going down this hill. I think

0:43:120:43:15

that you knew that we wouldn't go down it. I think

0:43:150:43:19

-you were showin' off, that's what I think.

-You think I'm chicken?

0:43:190:43:23

-Mm-hm.

-You think I'm chicken? I'm going to give a little clue here, OK?

0:43:230:43:27

You think I'm chicken? I'll show you who's chicken.

0:43:290:43:32

I'm ready to go! Where are you?! Nowhere to be seen! Chicken!

0:43:320:43:36

-Let's go.

-You're getting on?!

-Yeah.

-No, no, no, no!

0:43:360:43:40

Push off!

0:43:400:43:41

BOTH SCREAM

0:43:410:43:43

MUSIC: Crash by The Primitives

0:43:430:43:45

BOTH: WAAAAAAAAAAH!

0:43:560:43:59

BOTH SCREAM

0:44:020:44:05

Ow!

0:44:050:44:07

HE LAUGHS

0:44:070:44:10

BOTH LAUGH HYSTERICALLY

0:44:110:44:14

Oh, God!

0:44:150:44:17

See, I told you you'd have... have fun with me.

0:44:170:44:21

LAUGHTER FADES

0:44:250:44:27

Atchoo!

0:44:310:44:33

LAUGHING: Sorry.

0:44:340:44:36

That's cool. It's OK.

0:44:360:44:38

-Here you go.

-Thank you.

0:44:410:44:45

-It's kind of my fault you got sick.

-It's not your fault.

0:44:450:44:49

We might've gotten sick without tobogganing.

0:44:490:44:52

-Although, it didn't help walking home in wet clothes.

-Want to watch TV?

0:44:520:44:56

Uh-huh.

0:44:560:44:58

HE GROANS

0:44:580:45:00

Aaaaagh!

0:45:000:45:02

MUSIC: Cherry Pie by Warrant

0:45:040:45:07

# She's my cherry pie

0:45:090:45:12

# Cool drink of water, such a sweet surprise

0:45:120:45:15

# Tastes so good make a grown man cry

0:45:150:45:17

# Sweet cherry pie, yeah! #

0:45:170:45:20

-Hey.

-Hi.

0:45:260:45:29

You look different. Did you do something?

0:45:330:45:37

-Are you serious?

-I just mean that, er...

0:45:380:45:42

..you look good.

0:45:440:45:46

Thanks.

0:45:480:45:51

Where'd you go?

0:45:510:45:53

Nice wheels.

0:45:530:45:56

-Yeah. You like it?

-Yeah.

0:45:560:45:59

Does it seems at all...familiar?

0:46:010:46:04

-Yeah. Didn't somebody we know have one of these?

-Yeah, us.

0:46:060:46:09

Maybe this'll help.

0:46:110:46:13

Yeah, I remember.

0:46:180:46:20

-So, what's your deal, anyway?

-My deal?

0:46:370:46:40

Sometimes you have these moments of lucidity,

0:46:400:46:43

but then other times just...not so much...normal.

0:46:430:46:49

I don't understand. I mean... I don't want to be alone on Christmas.

0:46:490:46:53

When you're alone on Christmas it's not like being alone,

0:46:530:46:56

-it's alone alone.

-This wouldn't be one of those lucid moments.

0:46:560:47:00

-I wasn't goin' for that.

-Oh, OK. I see.

0:47:000:47:03

All right, little Miss Grinch,

0:47:030:47:05

I know you're a sophisticated, modern woman

0:47:050:47:08

that's very jaded, nothing gets to you and you have no emotions,

0:47:080:47:12

but I would be willing to bet that even you, before you got old-...

0:47:120:47:17

-er than you are now but still as young and attractive

0:47:170:47:21

-and smart and beautiful how you are now...

-That's better.

0:47:210:47:25

I don't know, like... some...moment in your childhood

0:47:250:47:29

before everything got complicated, when you were happy.

0:47:290:47:32

I know you must have some moment in your life that you'd like to relive.

0:47:320:47:36

Yeah.

0:47:390:47:41

Once...I was... I was, like, nine years old

0:47:410:47:46

and we had just had this ice storm

0:47:460:47:50

and I was walking home from school through Bishop Park

0:47:500:47:54

and you know that one big oak tree in the middle?

0:47:540:47:58

It was completely frozen and all the branches were just icicles.

0:47:580:48:02

It was just...it was... it was incredible.

0:48:020:48:05

It completely stopped me in my tracks.

0:48:050:48:08

I just remember standing underneath it,

0:48:080:48:11

pretending that I was a princess in a magical crystal palace.

0:48:110:48:15

It was really...

0:48:150:48:17

It was beautiful.

0:48:170:48:20

BOTH HONK

0:48:220:48:24

MUSIC: Feliz Navidad by Jose Feliciano

0:48:240:48:26

# Feliz Navidad

0:48:350:48:37

# Feliz Navidad

0:48:390:48:40

# Feliz Navidad

0:48:420:48:43

# Prospero ano y Felicidad

0:48:430:48:46

# Feliz Navidad

0:48:480:48:50

# Feliz Navidad

0:48:510:48:53

# Feliz Navidad

0:48:540:48:56

# Prospero ano y Felicidad

0:48:560:48:59

# I want to wish you a merry Christmas

0:49:000:49:03

# I want to wish you a merry Christmas

0:49:030:49:07

# I want to wish you a merry Christmas

0:49:070:49:09

# From the bottom of my heart

0:49:090:49:13

# I want to wish you a merry Christmas

0:49:130:49:16

# I want to wish you a merry Christmas

0:49:160:49:19

# I want to wish you a merry Christmas

0:49:190:49:22

# From the bottom of my heart

0:49:220:49:26

# Feliz Navidad

0:49:260:49:27

# Feliz Navidad

0:49:280:49:30

# Feliz Navidad

0:49:320:49:34

# Prospero ano y Felicidad

0:49:340:49:37

# Feliz Navidad

0:49:380:49:40

# Feliz Navidad

0:49:420:49:43

# Feliz Navidad

0:49:450:49:47

# Prospero ano y Felicidad

0:49:470:49:49

# I want to wish you a merry Christmas

0:49:510:49:54

# I want to wish you a merry Christmas

0:49:540:49:57

# I want to wish you a merry Christmas

0:49:570:50:00

# From the bottom of my heart

0:50:000:50:03

# I want to wish you a merry Christmas... #

0:50:030:50:06

Hey, er, would you come outside with me for one sec?

0:50:060:50:10

-I want to show you something.

-OK.

0:50:100:50:13

-Where are you taking me?

-Do you trust me?

0:50:130:50:16

-Er, no, not necessarily.

-OK, try and trust me for one sec

0:50:160:50:20

-cos I want to blindfold you.

-Oh...

-It's a surprise.

-OK.

0:50:200:50:23

-All right?

-All right.

0:50:230:50:26

-Oh, God, why...?

-Follow me.

-Why do I get the feeling

0:50:260:50:29

this is going to end with, "And she was never heard from again"?

0:50:290:50:33

-Step, Step. Step. Right there. Stop.

-OK.

0:50:330:50:37

-Turn this way. OK?

-All right. All right.

0:50:370:50:39

SHE GASPS

0:50:460:50:48

(Oh! Oh, my God.)

0:50:480:50:51

-I...I can't believe you did this.

-Wait till you see this.

0:50:540:50:58

Hit it, guys.

0:50:580:51:00

ALL: Hut! Hut! Hut!

0:51:000:51:03

Hut! Hut!

0:51:030:51:06

You see that?! That's you! I know this excellent props guy.

0:51:210:51:24

He owns all these figurines and he painted your hair like that.

0:51:240:51:28

-Those guys aren't even pros.

-I'm sure.

0:51:280:51:31

-I had to show 'em how to do the thing...

-Oh, wow!

0:51:310:51:34

..and it's not easy to get a camel.

0:51:340:51:36

It's not easy taking a very, erm, personal and private moment

0:51:360:51:40

that I have never told anybody in my entire life

0:51:400:51:43

and turning it into a theme park.

0:51:430:51:45

< ALL SING CAROL

0:51:450:51:46

Shut...up!

0:51:460:51:47

ALL STOP SINGING

0:51:470:51:49

But I'm not disappointed, OK? I'm not mad,

0:51:490:51:52

I'm just mad at myself for thinking that there was more to you

0:51:520:51:55

-than I thought and...that's you.

-It's a wrap!

0:51:550:52:00

Alicia. Alicia, wait a second! I care about you!

0:52:020:52:06

-I was trying to show you that!

-Look, Drew,

0:52:060:52:09

let me just give you some advice. Save your big,

0:52:090:52:12

expensive gestures for some girl who's impressed by them

0:52:120:52:15

and when you find her, hold on to her,

0:52:150:52:18

cos otherwise you are lookin' at a lifetime of lonely Christmases.

0:52:180:52:22

SHE GASPS

0:52:270:52:29

-I'm telling you, he is wonderful!

-It's Cartier.

0:52:290:52:33

-At least he's got manners.

-Well, I mean, he's in the neighbourhood.

0:52:330:52:37

-He is?

-Darling...

-What?

-..it's a day bracelet.

0:52:370:52:40

-Do you like it, darling?

-I love it!

0:52:400:52:44

-You're the expert on jewellery.

-Are you disagreeing with me?

-No.

0:52:440:52:48

-She just got a present, why pick at her?

-I'm not.

0:52:480:52:51

(Oh, yeah.)

0:52:510:52:53

KNOCKS ON DOOR

0:52:540:52:56

Brian, tell Drew that I had to take off. There was...

0:52:560:52:59

-Holy cow! What are you lookin' at?

-It's just...

0:53:040:53:08

-It's research.

-You know, when I was young, we didn't sit alone

0:53:080:53:12

in our rooms drooling over nude ladies on computer screens. No, sir.

0:53:120:53:16

We had to go behind a barn with the dirty girl

0:53:160:53:19

and pay her a quarter so she could show us her goodies.

0:53:190:53:22

-How does this work?

-Oh, well, er, here, let me help you here.

0:53:230:53:29

-What are you into? We got Hot Cheerleaders and 3 Way Fun.

-Uh-uh.

0:53:290:53:33

-Middle-Aged Hotties -

-Now you're talkin'.

0:53:330:53:36

Old enough to know how it's done, young enough to still want to do it!

0:53:360:53:40

-That's gross.

-Whoo!

0:53:410:53:43

-Come...to...Papa!

-That's not bad, right?

0:53:430:53:46

Dude, it's your mom!

0:53:500:53:53

-Oh, my God!

-Hey, can you print that for me?

0:53:530:53:56

Mom, Dad, listen. Please, Drew has to go tonight, OK?

0:53:590:54:02

-I cannot spend one more second in this house with him.

-Well, yeah?

0:54:020:54:06

-So what?

-So he's making fools of us! Of all of us!

0:54:060:54:11

-< Alicia?!

-All right, look, I'm going to take the car

0:54:110:54:14

-and when I get home, I really hope he's gone.

-Alicia...!

0:54:140:54:18

Be careful...with the car.

0:54:180:54:20

-Can't we talk about this?!

-No.

0:54:200:54:23

DOOR SLAMS

0:54:230:54:24

-What the hell happened?

-Nothing. I think she's right - it's stupid.

0:54:260:54:32

This is a mistake. I've imposed on you folks and I'm sorry

0:54:320:54:35

and, er... I'll write you a cheque and I'll spend Christmas, er...

0:54:350:54:39

Well...I dunno, I'll spend Christmas somewhere.

0:54:390:54:43

No...we don't want your money.

0:54:430:54:46

In cash. A cheque'll be just fine.

0:54:460:54:49

I'll get you a pen.

0:54:500:54:52

PHONE RINGS

0:54:520:54:53

-What's wrong with you?

-Hello?

0:54:530:54:55

-"Merry Christmas to you, too(!)"

-Missy!

-The bracelet is amazing.

0:54:550:54:59

-Thank you.

-Er, I'm in the middle of something right now. Erm...

0:54:590:55:03

-How did you know my favourite is Cartier?

-Er, it's a lucky guess.

0:55:030:55:07

-How did you find me?

-I talked to your secretary

0:55:070:55:10

and she said you were with your family. Oh, Drew,

0:55:100:55:13

-I am so happy for you and for us!

-Us?

-I know what this means for you,

0:55:130:55:18

reaching out to your family after all this time.

0:55:180:55:21

It means you want to be more serious about yourself and me.

0:55:210:55:25

-I want to meet your family, Drew.

-I'm sure you will,

0:55:250:55:29

-and they want to meet you one day.

-Oh, great! Then we can go to Fiji.

0:55:290:55:33

How about...tomorrow?

0:55:340:55:37

Fiji? Tomorrow?

0:55:370:55:39

You're kidding?! That's fabulous, actually! That's perfect!

0:55:390:55:43

Then, tonight we can spend Christmas Eve together with our families.

0:55:430:55:48

Er...that's going to be hard, er, to pull off, you know?

0:55:480:55:53

Er, it's very short notice and, erm...we, er...

0:55:530:55:57

(Er, one of the family members is, er...challenged

0:55:570:56:02

(and, er,...requires a lot of time to put on, you know,

0:56:020:56:07

-(the proper headgear and...)

-Oh, no problem!

0:56:070:56:10

-We're right here!

-You're here?

-Look outside!

0:56:100:56:13

Oh, my God! You're here?!

0:56:200:56:23

I-I-I mean, oh, my gosh, you're totally here!

0:56:230:56:27

My girlfriend is here with her family! You guys have to help me!

0:56:290:56:33

Just pretend for, like, a couple of hours! I'm begging you!

0:56:330:56:36

-No, read paragraph three - you bailed, we're done!

-What?!

0:56:360:56:41

No! Look, I want to go, I'm dying to go, I want to get out of here

0:56:410:56:44

but I got to have a life to go back to! I can't tell her

0:56:440:56:47

-that I rented a family.

-I'm sure she knows you're crazy,

0:56:470:56:50

-it kind of, er...shows.

-No, a deal's a deal!

0:56:500:56:54

-Unless you want to sweeten the pot a little bit.

-That's extortion!

0:56:540:56:57

-I hear the doorbell.

-No! No, no, no, no!

0:56:570:57:00

I'll give you another 75 grand, but you guys got to do it good

0:57:000:57:05

or else I'll be SO MAD AT YOU GUYS! C'mon!

0:57:050:57:07

DOORBELL CHIMES

0:57:070:57:08

-I'm not wearin' a hat!

-Sure!

0:57:080:57:12

-Missy!

-Hey, Drew!

-Mrs Vangilder.

0:57:120:57:15

-Captain. C'mon in. Merry Christmas.

-Mwah!

-Hi, honey. Merry Christmas.

0:57:150:57:20

-Welcome to the childhood home of my childhood. C'mon in.

-Hi.

0:57:200:57:24

-I'm Drew's father and this is his mother.

-Christine.

0:57:240:57:27

-Letitia. Horace.

-And he's our son, there's no doubt about that.

0:57:270:57:31

That's for sure.

0:57:310:57:33

ALL LAUGH

0:57:330:57:34

Oh! You know, I would love to see pictures of Drew

0:57:430:57:47

-when he was small.

-Oh, babe, we're not going to bore everybody!

0:57:470:57:52

-Good idea. Bath time for baby.

-Awww!

0:57:520:57:55

-Thanks, Mom(!)

-Look at him!

0:57:550:57:58

-Drew, are you sure that's you?

-Oh, that's me all right!

0:57:580:58:01

-I remember it well. It was autumn and the...

-I don't think so.

0:58:010:58:06

-There's no little...dingle.

-No.

-No.

0:58:060:58:09

Ah, well, yes, it's there but you can't see it

0:58:110:58:14

because it was so...long, er, that Mom had to tuck it back

0:58:140:58:18

-when she gave me a bath. It used to get tangled. Remember, Mom?

-Yeah.

0:58:180:58:22

From the moment he was born, it was, er...freakishly long.

0:58:220:58:25

Right. Yes.

0:58:250:58:27

KNOCK AT DOOR

0:58:270:58:28

-I'll get it!

-No, I'll get it, son.

0:58:280:58:30

-You stay right there.

-Thanks, Dad.

0:58:300:58:33

-So, here we are.

-Yeah.

-Are we keeping you folks

0:58:330:58:37

-from dinner plans or...?

-No, we don't have any plans.

0:58:370:58:40

Oh, we couldn't possibly impose! No.

0:58:400:58:43

ALL CHATTER

0:58:430:58:45

Who was that, Dad?

0:58:450:58:48

-It's Doo-Dah.

-Doo-Dah? Doo-Dah's my grandpa.

0:58:480:58:52

-He'll tell us some stories...

-I want to meet Doo-Dah!

0:58:520:58:55

..about the 1800s. I know. We don't usually leave him outside

0:58:550:58:59

-in the cold, we usually let him in, Dad.

-Let me talk to you, son.

0:58:590:59:02

-OK.

-OK.

-Don't go anywhere.

-OK.

0:59:020:59:05

(There's a guy out there, he's Doo-Dah's understudy cos Doo-Dah...)

0:59:050:59:09

-(Fine.)

-(But he's not white.)

-(They don't know he's not right!)

0:59:090:59:12

-(They don't know the old Doo-Dah! Let him in!)

-(Fine!)

0:59:120:59:15

-This is my grandfather, Doo-Dah!

-Sweet Jim Jiminy!

0:59:150:59:19

-Cold corn in the mornin'!

-Who are you?

0:59:190:59:22

I'm Saul's understudy. I just came to help out. Feliz Navidad!

0:59:220:59:26

-(Is he Black?)

-(Yep.)

0:59:260:59:29

-I can't do it!

-My family's this close to 350

0:59:310:59:35

and you're not going to weasel out on us! Put some maple syrup on the ham.

0:59:350:59:39

-Drew.

-Huh? Agh! Agh! Agh!

0:59:480:59:51

I'm sorry! Agh! Jesus! I'm sorry! I know I'm not supposed to be here

0:59:520:59:57

-and I'll leave right away! I don't want to cause any problems!

-Drew.

0:59:571:00:00

-I'm in a little bit of a jam right now!

-Drew, wait!

1:00:001:00:04

-What?!

-Listen, I...

-Yes?!

-Listen, I came back

1:00:041:00:07

-because I wanted to apologise.

-Right.

-Yes, the thing in the park

1:00:071:00:11

was a bit garish and obnoxious but, I mean, that's you.

1:00:111:00:14

I mean, not that you're garish and obnoxious,

1:00:141:00:17

-it's just that you do things in a big way...

-I do, I do.

1:00:171:00:20

-..and I'm touched.

-Well, thank you.

1:00:201:00:24

-That means a lot to me but...

-No, thank you.

1:00:241:00:27

Mmm.

1:00:351:00:37

You smell like fear.

1:00:371:00:40

-There have been some developments...

-Oh, I have a gift for you!

1:00:401:00:44

-I'll be right back.

-OK.

1:00:441:00:46

-No! Hi!

-LAUGHING: Hi, honey.

1:00:491:00:52

-Erm, your mom sent me in here to get a cheese ball. What's that?

-Er...

1:00:521:00:57

this is a cheese ball! Let's play a game where you don't come back

1:00:571:01:02

-till they eat the whole cheese ball, OK?!

-Your family isn't

1:01:021:01:05

what I expected but I'm just so glad you wanted to introduce me.

1:01:051:01:09

-Me, too.

-It's all I ever wanted.

-Me, too.

-Thank you.

1:01:091:01:12

-OK.

-All right. Mwah!

-Yes, I know. I love you. OK.

1:01:121:01:15

-Fiji's going to be great.

-It will be great. I can't wait. Fiji time!

1:01:151:01:19

That's what this was about? You put us through this for a girl?!

1:01:231:01:27

No. No, no, no, no. I just, er...

1:01:271:01:30

-Can I open my present now?

-Sure.

1:01:321:01:35

-C'mon!

-I thought this was because you had a painful childhood!

1:01:381:01:41

You told me you never wanted to see me again, so I accepted that!

1:01:411:01:45

She just showed up and she wanted to meet my family

1:01:451:01:49

and I couldn't tell them that it was a totally rented family!

1:01:491:01:52

I know you hate me, OK?! I hate me! I hate my own guts

1:01:521:01:56

and I know this is a horrible thing to ask but could you just help me out

1:01:561:02:00

so I can just get through this?! Just, like, take a ride for an hour!

1:02:001:02:04

-Your parents will call you when the coast is clear!

-Drew!

1:02:041:02:07

-Your dad wants more salami!

-They're playing along?

1:02:071:02:12

Your parents, they're crazy. They think it's fun.

1:02:121:02:16

I'm sorry, OK? I got to go. I'll see you later. I miss you.

1:02:161:02:19

Thank you. You're welcome. See ya.

1:02:191:02:21

They think it's fun, huh?

1:02:251:02:28

Maybe they're right.

1:02:291:02:32

Your tree, Christine, it's so colourful. It reminds me of Mexico.

1:02:331:02:38

Not the better hotels but the colours of the simple people.

1:02:381:02:42

I mean, it's so bright and vulgar.

1:02:421:02:44

CHRISTINE LAUGHS

1:02:441:02:46

-Mom, Dad, I'm home!

-Alicia, you're back!

1:02:461:02:50

-There's Alicia!

-Hi, Momma.

-Aw, you're back!

1:02:501:02:54

This is our daughter, Alicia. This is Mrs Vangilder.

1:02:541:02:57

-Please, Letitia.

-I'm just so pleased to meet you, really.

1:02:571:03:02

-And this is our little Missy.

-Missy, Missy! Oh!

1:03:021:03:07

Oh, gosh, I've just heard so much about you from Drew!

1:03:091:03:12

God, you're gorgeous! And you are so not fat! Drew!

1:03:121:03:17

-What is the matter with you?!

-I'm sorry?

1:03:171:03:20

-Drew, I'm not fat.

-No. I was just thinking that...

1:03:201:03:23

-You must be Mr Vangilder.

-I wouldn't say that.

-Don't mind us,

1:03:231:03:27

-we're just a bunch of kidders.

-Hi. I like the family.

-Oh, well,

1:03:271:03:31

you obviously haven't met Brian. By the way, where is Brian?

1:03:311:03:35

HE GROANS

1:03:391:03:42

Here.

1:03:441:03:46

I think your mom's startin' to like your grandfather hittin' on her.

1:03:461:03:50

There's a sentence you don't often hear on Christmas Eve.

1:03:501:03:53

It's unbelievable! Poor thing.

1:03:531:03:57

-Excuse me.

-It's true.

-What's happening over here?

1:03:571:04:01

-What's going on?

-Oh, I am learning so much about you!

1:04:011:04:04

-Oh, you are?! Great!

-I didn't know you were a baton twirler.

1:04:041:04:07

-Yeah. Gave away the big secret, I guess, didn't you?

-Not the big one,

1:04:071:04:12

-so don't push me.

-Well, let's go talk to Doo-Dah!

1:04:121:04:15

-I want you to see the Cartier bracelet Drew got me.

-Cartier, huh?

1:04:151:04:20

Wow! Look at that. That's just beautiful. Wow!

1:04:201:04:23

That's my brother - never afraid to put a price tag on his feelings.

1:04:231:04:27

That's my sister - never understanding love

1:04:271:04:30

and that you can care about somebody and want to show it in a big way

1:04:301:04:34

-and that you shouldn't be put down for that!

-But when you love somebody

1:04:341:04:38

-you don't have to show it in a big way.

-So were you slumming it

1:04:381:04:42

when you were makin' out with me in the kitchen?!

1:04:421:04:45

It's a very...a very affectionate family. We show our love.

1:04:501:04:54

-Italians. We're just very warm.

-Red-hot, even.

1:04:541:04:59

All right, that's it! Gimme this! Get up! Sit down!

1:04:591:05:03

OK, who wants a tour of the house?

1:05:031:05:06

Now, what you're using right now are the stairs.

1:05:061:05:09

We like these for going up. Er, this is the bathroom...

1:05:091:05:14

(What are you doing to me?!)

1:05:141:05:16

-(What?!)

-(You're killing me!)

-(I'm just playing along, brother!)

1:05:161:05:20

-(You know what you're doing!)

-(Missy likes me.)

1:05:201:05:23

-And this was little Drew's room, now it's Brian's.

-Awww!

1:05:231:05:27

Brian, don't be rude. We have guests.

1:05:271:05:30

He would live up here in front of this screen if we let him.

1:05:301:05:33

I guess it's that insatiable appetite for knowledge. Oh, shit!

1:05:331:05:37

Brian, what have you done?! Tom, I don't know what that is.

1:05:371:05:41

I do. It's my wife on my son's computer shooting a V for victory

1:05:411:05:45

-with her legs.

-It's been a while but that's what it looks like.

1:05:451:05:48

-LETITIA: Honestly!

-That's my little girl!

1:05:481:05:51

-Get our coats!

-What's going on?

-Missy, get your coat!

1:05:511:05:56

-There's ham!

-We're not going! We're staying!

1:05:561:05:59

Lighten up! I had some pictures taken just for me!

1:05:591:06:03

Where would you get a stupid idea like that?!

1:06:031:06:06

Coats! Someone said coats! Get the coats! Got to get the coats!

1:06:081:06:12

SHE GASPS

1:06:131:06:16

-Some things cannot be...unseen.

-Brian?

1:06:221:06:26

-Brian?

-Great(!) Just great, Christine(!)

1:06:261:06:30

I'll be at the Travelodge.

1:06:351:06:37

HE SLAMS DOOR

1:06:391:06:41

-Merry Christmas.

-Mom?

1:06:451:06:48

-Mom?

-LETITIA: Oh, dear God!

1:06:481:06:51

Er, wait! There's more of Mom's Christmas buffet!

1:06:511:06:54

If you think we're staying after that, think again!

1:06:541:06:57

Trollops who pose for dirty pictures and various incestuous overtones

1:06:571:07:01

and old...unexplained men! This is, without a doubt,

1:07:011:07:06

-the WORST Christmas that I...

-Oh, shut up, Letitia!

1:07:061:07:11

-What?

-I've put up with your high-and-mighty act for 25 years

1:07:111:07:15

but these people don't have to! I don't remember you being so superior

1:07:151:07:19

back when you got yourself knocked up by Skippy Altsheller

1:07:191:07:22

-and then tricked me into marrying you!

-Oh, my God!

1:07:221:07:26

-I'm sorry, Missy.

-Missy, darling, it's not true!

1:07:261:07:31

-Er, you were, you were premature!

-Oh, c'mon, Letitia!

1:07:311:07:35

Tell your mother thanks, Drew, and, er...merry Christmas.

1:07:351:07:39

Missy, we'll wait for you in the car. You know, really.

1:07:411:07:45

-Yuletide's a bitch, ain't it?

-Oh, shut up! Just shut up!

1:07:481:07:53

OK, Fiji! Let's go to Fiji right now!

1:07:531:07:56

You were right, Drew - just screw family, all we need is each other!

1:07:561:08:00

Just take me away!

1:08:001:08:02

HE SIGHS

1:08:021:08:03

I'm sorry, Missy, I can't.

1:08:031:08:06

Just go home, OK? I'm sorry about all this.

1:08:061:08:10

I'll spend Christmas alone.

1:08:101:08:13

Fine.

1:08:171:08:20

OK.

1:08:201:08:23

Well, then...the only thing

1:08:241:08:26

I have left to say to you... is I am keeping this bracelet!

1:08:261:08:30

I feel bad drinking liquor you're going to need. I better go.

1:08:341:08:39

-Merry Christmas.

-All right.

1:08:391:08:42

Missy, get in the car! My God!

1:08:431:08:46

SHE CONTINUES SHOUTING

1:08:461:08:48

You know, I have to ask. Just how bad is your real family

1:09:001:09:04

that you would rather spend your Christmas like this?

1:09:041:09:07

Er...

1:09:111:09:14

..there was no...

1:09:171:09:19

real family.

1:09:191:09:21

What do you mean "There is no family"?

1:09:211:09:25

C'mon, you must have had a family.

1:09:251:09:27

-I mean, you must have had a Doo-Dah, right?

-Er, I had a friend

1:09:271:09:31

whose grandfather, you know, was called Doo-Dah.

1:09:311:09:34

I always kind of liked that.

1:09:341:09:36

My dad, er...walked out on us on Christmas when I was four.

1:09:371:09:43

It was basically just me and my mom. She was a waitress

1:09:431:09:48

at, er, the 24-hour coffee shop and she didn't have a lot of money,

1:09:481:09:53

so...when Christmas came around, it was an opportunity for her

1:09:531:09:57

to take a double shift. She did...and, erm...

1:09:571:10:02

..you know, my Christmases were, basically, I just kind of

1:10:031:10:06

sat around the house, you know? And then at night I'd walk down there

1:10:061:10:11

and Mom would always buy me a grown-up stack of pancakes...

1:10:111:10:14

..er, and I would, er, sit by myself at the end of the counter

1:10:161:10:19

and eat 'em. And, er, I did that for Christmas, er, every year

1:10:191:10:23

till I turned 18.

1:10:231:10:25

I haven't been able to walk into a coffee shop since, though.

1:10:251:10:29

-Where's your mom now?

-My mom died when I was in college.

1:10:291:10:33

I'm sorry.

1:10:351:10:37

You know what, Drew? There's nothing that you can do

1:10:391:10:42

about those Christmases but the one that you can do something about,

1:10:421:10:46

the one that's here and now, you just spent that

1:10:461:10:49

-destroying my family.

-Alicia, look, just for the record,

1:10:491:10:54

I didn't destroy your family.

1:10:541:10:56

-What are you talking about?

-Your parents are splitting up.

1:10:561:11:01

It's obvious. Brian knows it, that's why he spends all his time

1:11:011:11:04

in his room on his computer.

1:11:041:11:07

You just didn't want to see it and I can understand that.

1:11:071:11:11

I'm going to go get my dad. Lock up when you leave.

1:11:111:11:15

Well...all right.

1:11:371:11:39

I forgive you.

1:12:151:12:17

HE SIGHS

1:12:291:12:31

LIGHTNING CRACKS

1:13:331:13:35

No! No, Spirit! No! I will honour Christmas

1:13:351:13:38

in my heart and try to keep it all the year!

1:13:381:13:41

KNOCK AT DOOR

1:13:411:13:43

No-one's home!

1:13:431:13:45

KNOCKING CONTINUES

1:13:451:13:46

HE GROANS

1:13:461:13:48

KNOCKING CONTINUES

1:13:501:13:51

What?! I hear you!

1:13:511:13:53

-Are you going to hit me?

-No.

-Are you going to

1:13:571:14:00

-do something else to me that's not hitting but still hurts?

-No.

1:14:001:14:04

-Are you going to invite me in?

-Really? You just stopped by to hang out,

1:14:041:14:08

-catch up, reminisce?

-You owe me money.

1:14:081:14:13

Right. The money. Yeah.

1:14:131:14:16

OK, c'mon in. I'll get my chequebook.

1:14:161:14:18

You rented my place when you could've been stayin' here?

1:14:311:14:34

-Well, I got to admit, this is nice.

-Thanks.

1:14:391:14:42

You still splittin' up with Christine?

1:14:441:14:47

-Yeah, I...I guess.

-That would be a shame.

1:14:471:14:52

DREW CHUCKLES

1:14:531:14:56

-What are you laughin' at?

-Nothin'.

1:14:561:14:59

I mean, it's...it's kind of ironic - I paid all that money

1:14:591:15:03

to be part of your family and you're giving it away for nothin'.

1:15:031:15:07

Look at this. That's the ticket to Doo-Dah's play.

1:15:091:15:13

Yeah, I got mine, too.

1:15:131:15:15

I'm not very good at apologisin'. I don't even know

1:15:241:15:27

-if they're in there.

-C'mon, Tom, what do you have to lose?

1:15:271:15:31

-What do you want with me?!

-Much!

-Who are you?!

1:15:341:15:39

-In life I was your partner...

-(See anybody?)

1:15:391:15:43

-(That's Doo-Dah right there.)

-What is the reason for this visit?!

1:15:431:15:47

-It is getting late and I've been hard at work!

-(He's not that bad.)

1:15:471:15:51

-To warn you, Ebenezer Scrooge...

-(He's not that good, either.)

1:15:511:15:55

-(I'm going to find Christine.)

-Learn from me!

1:15:551:15:58

My spirit never walked beyond our counting house,

1:16:001:16:05

it never roved beyond our money-changing hole.

1:16:051:16:11

So I am condemned to wander through the world

1:16:111:16:16

to see what I might have shared on earth,

1:16:161:16:19

then turned to happiness.

1:16:191:16:22

-(What are you doin' here?)

-You were always a good businessman.

1:16:241:16:29

(Doo-Dah's family, right?)

1:16:291:16:31

(Brian, move over.)

1:16:331:16:36

(No, man, go find one of the other empty seats.)

1:16:361:16:39

(Move over, Brian. C'mon.)

1:16:391:16:42

-(Where's your sister?)

-BOTH: (Ssh!)

1:16:471:16:50

-Dear brother!

-Fanny!

1:16:511:16:54

(Christine, I...)

1:16:541:16:56

(If I were to leave, I wouldn't even know where to go.)

1:16:591:17:02

(Then, why leave?)

1:17:021:17:05

-(That's what I'm sayin' - I don't want to leave.)

-(Then, don't.)

1:17:051:17:09

-(All right, I won't, then.)

-(OK.)

1:17:121:17:15

-(Is that all right?)

-(Yeah.)

1:17:171:17:20

(It's good.)

1:17:201:17:23

(Hey, Bri...that girl's, er... She's kind of cute for you.)

1:17:291:17:34

-(Talk to her.)

-(Stop it.)

-(Talk to her.)

-(Stop it.)

1:17:341:17:37

-(I saw you looking at her, Bri.)

-(Would you please stop it?)

1:17:371:17:40

(I can hear you.)

1:17:401:17:42

DREW CHUCKLES

1:17:421:17:44

(That's embarrassing. That's our grandfather up there.)

1:17:451:17:49

(This is Brian. Brian, you're all set.)

1:17:491:17:52

HE CLEARS THROAT

1:17:551:17:57

(I'm sorry.)

1:17:571:18:00

(Is that your brother?)

1:18:001:18:03

(Yeah.)

1:18:031:18:06

-How do we travel exactly?

-Through the air!

1:18:061:18:10

-We fly!

-Not so hard! Wedgie!

1:18:101:18:13

-AUDIENCE LAUGHS

-Wedgie!

1:18:131:18:16

Alicia?

1:18:351:18:37

-Hey.

-Hey.

1:18:371:18:40

Were you, er...in there the whole time?

1:18:401:18:43

-No, I was just here to pick up my mom.

-Oh.

1:18:431:18:47

She's in there, er... with your dad, actually.

1:18:471:18:50

They're...they're kind of makin' out in the third row.

1:18:501:18:54

-Really?

-Yeah.

1:18:541:18:57

-That's good.

-Look...

1:18:581:19:00

..I don't expect you to want to talk to me or anything,

1:19:001:19:04

so I'm not going to call you and bother you and give you a hard time

1:19:041:19:08

and...camp outside your place and stalk you, you know,

1:19:081:19:12

but I do want to say that I'm sorry for...what I put you through

1:19:121:19:17

and...say thank you.

1:19:171:19:19

So, who are you renting for New Year's? Cos, you know,

1:19:291:19:32

-us Valcos, we book up kind of fast...

-I see that!

1:19:321:19:36

-..and I'd get on it...

-Yeah.

-..if I were you.

1:19:361:19:39

I'm looking for a family with a...you know, maybe a bearded,

1:19:391:19:43

irascible dad with a heart of gold, er,

1:19:431:19:46

a brother who...stays in his room all the time by himself...

1:19:461:19:52

..and, er...you know, a sister who is...

1:19:531:19:57

..wonderful and smart...

1:19:591:20:02

..and really beautiful

1:20:041:20:07

cos...I think that's the kind of person

1:20:071:20:10

that, er... I could fall in love with.

1:20:101:20:15

-You know anybody like that? I know it's tough.

-Let me think.

1:20:161:20:21

-Not offhand but I'll get back to you on that.

-Let me know.

1:20:211:20:24

MUSIC: Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas by Judy Garland

1:20:241:20:26

# Have yourself A merry little Christmas

1:20:261:20:32

# Let your heart

1:20:321:20:34

# Be light

1:20:341:20:38

# Next year all... #

1:20:381:20:41

Daddy, stop the car!

1:20:411:20:44

Oh, my God!

1:20:441:20:46

Oh, my God!

1:20:461:20:49

-He's kissing his sister.

-That is open-mouth.

1:20:491:20:54

-'Tis the season to be jolly, honey.

-Get us out of here!

1:20:541:20:57

-Maybe they're just trying to keep warm.

-Get out of here! C'mon!

1:20:571:21:00

# So

1:21:051:21:08

# Have yourself

1:21:081:21:11

# A merry little

1:21:111:21:14

# Christmas

1:21:141:21:17

# Now. #

1:21:171:21:23

MUSIC: Coming Home by The 88

1:21:341:21:35

# Won't you be good to yourself?

1:21:351:21:38

# Don't you feel like comin' home?

1:21:381:21:42

# It'll be good

1:21:421:21:45

# It'll be like comin' home

1:21:451:21:49

# Blend all the days into weeks

1:21:491:21:53

# Keep all your thoughts to yourself

1:21:531:21:56

# It'll be good

1:21:561:22:00

# It'll be like comin' home

1:22:001:22:04

# Because you need a place to stay

1:22:041:22:07

# And I've been feelin' dead since you went away

1:22:071:22:11

# You better believe what I tell you cos you're comin' home!

1:22:121:22:18

# Won't you bring light to my day?

1:22:191:22:22

# Won't you be somebody new?

1:22:221:22:26

# It'll be good

1:22:261:22:29

# It'll be like comin' home

1:22:291:22:33

# Because you need a place to stay

1:22:331:22:36

# And I've been feeling dead since you went away

1:22:361:22:40

# You'd better believe what I tell you

1:22:421:22:44

# Cos you're coming home

1:22:441:22:47

# Tell me that you're coming home

1:22:471:22:49

# Tell me that you're coming home

1:22:511:22:53

# Tell me that you're coming home

1:22:551:22:57

# Tell me that you're coming home

1:22:581:23:00

# Tell me that you're coming home. #

1:23:021:23:04

MUSIC: Happy Holidays (Beef Wellington Remix)

1:23:061:23:09

# Happy holidays

1:23:091:23:10

# Happy holidays

1:23:101:23:12

# While the merry bells are ringing

1:23:121:23:14

# May your every wish come true

1:23:141:23:17

# Happy holidays

1:23:171:23:19

# Happy holidays

1:23:191:23:21

# May the calendar keep bringing

1:23:211:23:24

# Happy holidays to you. #

1:23:241:23:26

Yuletide family comedy. A lonely, obnoxious young millionaire splits up with his girlfriend when he won't introduce her to his family. In desperation, he pays a reluctant family to be 'his' for the holiday, staying with them and doing festive things in an attempt to recapture his childhood.