That Darn Cat!

CAT MIAOWS

BARKING

# While the city sleeps

# Every night he creeps

# Just surveying his domain

# He roams around

# Like he owns the town

# He's the king who makes that plain

# He knows every trick

# Doesn't miss a lick

# When it comes to keeping fat

# Some city slicker

# No-one is quicker

# Than that darn cat!

# Every nook and cranny

# And garbage canny

# He inspects so thoroughly

# When he's on his rounds

# Nothing's out of bounds

# To his curiosity

# He can smile and purr

# At a pretty girl

# Till she don't know

# Where's she at

# Nose like a Geiger,

# Oh, what a tiger

# He's that darn cat!

# He's a sly old codger

# An artful dodger

# A scrounger unsurpassed

# A ball of fire

# A nine-livewire

# Who just can't be outclassed

# Yeah, this midnight rover

# He lives in clover

# It's an art he's got down pat

# There never was a greater

# Smooth operator

# Than that...

# Oh...darn...

# That darn cat

# That darn cat

# That darn cat

# That darn cat

# That darn cat #

MIAOWS

Hey, what do you say, fella?

Hey. You're taking my food.

CAT MIAOWS

Iggy!

-What kept you?

-The lousy bus.

-Where did you leave the car?

-Outside Fresno, Route 99.

OK, OK! They found it. The scam just came in on the radio.

What did I say? They'll fall for the whole deal. It's the way it is.

-Maybe they'll buy it. We've the federal fuzz on us this time.

-So?

Who cares? When they start picking up all those hot twenties

I've been dropping off, they'll lose their minds. They're going to flip.

Look at us living in this pad,

a block and a half away from where we pulled a job. Class.

What about them headlines? We're big news. Front page every one -

Shut up. Shut up, will you?

-Shut up? Sure, sure.

-"Two bank robbers stage

-"daring daylight hold-up."

-How about that?

Huh? Daring. Daring.

"Two armed men wearing masks robbed the North Valley bank early today."

I gotta look.

"They seized the teller, Miss Miller, to shield their getaway."

Wow! Does this turn you on, huh?

250,000!

Iggy.

Wow!

Iggy, we DON'T get 250,000,

like the papers say.

We get 160 grand.

16...

Are you trying to snow me?

Get your hands off me, meatball.

Get them off!

Don't you do that again.

160!

How come the papers don't say that?

Do you believe the papers or me?

What do I know? I've been outside, risking my neck, laying phony leads.

You've been in here, sitting on the glue.

Why don't you ask Miss America? She's the money lady.

Hey, it was a quarter of a million, wasn't it?

200 grand.

One lousy hundred and sixty -

Don't do it, Iggy.

Well, it don't bother you, huh?

The two of you dear hearts wouldn't have cooked this whole thing up -

Oh, come on, Iggy. You're more of a drag then she is.

What are we going to do about her?

Well, to tell you the truth, she's been a pretty good girl.

No hysteria, no gas,

no struggling.

She has consideration for other people's problems.

I say we ought to turn her off, now.

Is that another one of your big ideas?

You see this?

Everyone in town is gonna be looking at our girl's picture tonight.

They dig her now, all those helpful, little citizens.

That one little old man, eyewitness Charlie, with 20:20 vision,

who always happens to be looking out a window when you drag a body.

What's the action, then?

We cool it, all of us.

Cool it.

I'm going to take this gag off.

You got any ideas about noise?

All right. That's good,

because I've got sensitive ears.

When someone yells, I do things.

Things that make me hate myself in the morning.

Now, Mother,

here's the picture. We hole up for a few days. We're stuck with you.

We don't want you getting sick or scared or flaking out.

That's no good.

Not for us, not for you.

What...?

What are you going to do with me?

Well, first, you've got to believe one thing.

One killing more or less won't make a difference. We've nothing to lose.

Anybody we knock off from here on in is just a little more gravy.

I understand.

That's solid, Mom.

Now, let's make with the cooking. Iggy bought groceries. Come on.

We got steaks, salmon. What's it going to be?

Steak. I'll have mine rare.

Make mine well. I can't stand the sight of blood.

Some desperate character I got for a partner(!)

DOOR RATTLES

CAT MIAOWS

All right, fleabag, let's get out of here.

Let him stay a little while, Dan.

-What for?

-I like cats.

You like cats?

Yeah. Did I ever tell you about my old cat?

No, and you ain't going to.

As long as he was alive, I was always lucky. He was a real friend.

You're breaking my heart. Come on, I want to talk to you.

Well, don't stand there, flapping your ears. Make with the cooking.

I like the cat.

Don't forget, I'm watching you.

Hey, I don't trust that dame. I don't... trust her.

I don't want you to trust her.

The thing is,

she might play along,

if we con her into thinking

we might turn her loose.

You wouldn't, would you?

Are you out of your mind?

BACKGROUND TALKING

Hey, what's holding you up?

Come on, move it, move it, will you?

I...think my watch stopped.

What do I care? What's with the watch?

I wanted to time the steaks.

What's that over there? It's a clock, ain't it? Move it!

CAT MIAOWS

What do you think you're doing?

No, wait, Dan.

Someone will hear us.

He wanted to go out.

I didn't make a break.

I wouldn't do it.

I wouldn't.

OK.

OK.

Cos I've got friends,

ten little lead-nosed friends in here.

They all run faster than you do, Moms.

I... I know.

Let's get one thing straight.

Don't touch that door again.

Not that door or any window in here.

-You got that straight?

-Got it?

Y-y-yes.

You've just used up all your luck, lady.

Now, don't try me again.

How about Thursday night at the drive-in?

-What's playing?

-Night Of The Surfer.

-What was that we saw tonight?

-Surfer Beach Party.

And the night before last?

Summer Surf and Sinbad The Surfer, a double feature.

Canoe,

do you ever get a spooky feeling

we keep seeing the same movie over and over,

and all they do is change the titles?

Yeah. It's terrific stuff, isn't it?

Couldn't we just once see a movie,

where boy meets girl, they have problems which aren't too weird,

they fall in love and live happily ever after?

Why would you want to see unhealthy stuff like that?

I don't know. Maybe I'd like to see a movie where I don't get seasick.

I'll make you a deal. You go with me to the drive-in Thursday,

next time we'll go to one of those happily-ever-after clam-digs. Deal?

I guess.

Where is The Thing playing?

Who knows? Maybe they don't even make movies like that any more.

Well, sure.

You want to know why? People don't want to be depressed by that slop.

Ha!

That Henderson boy went right into the house with her.

Right into the house!

She and the Henderson boy, the two of them.

Why shouldn't he go in? He's been hanging around there

since he was old enough to wave bye-bye.

Nevertheless, they happen to represent two separate

and distinct members of the opposite sex, alone in that house!

You tell' em, kid.

With their parents in Europe, someone's got to keep an eye

on those Randall girls.

Meantime, by authority of the Federal Communications Commission,

and the grace of a kindly providence which gave me the power

of not having to listen to people,

I am now going off the air.

Don't you dare

take it off! I haven't finished talking to you!

Good night, old woman. I can't hear what you're saying,

but whatever it is,

I disagree with you 100%.

You're running out of peanut butter! There aren't any of those olives.

-Put them on the shopping list!

-OK.

-Oh, hi, DC.

-DC MIAOWS

You know, Patti, sometimes you worry me.

You don't eat enough to keep a bird alive.

This is a wild idea, but has it occurred to you

there's more to life than surfing and eating?

Like what?

Forget it.

I just realised I was talking to myself.

Hey, your folks are in Venice.

I know.

Your father got indigestion from a white clam sauce,

but feels better now. Ha.

Bills, bills, bills.

There's nothing but bills!

Surf news should be coming up about now.

You listen. I'm going to straighten things up and go to bed.

Hi, DC.

Watch the crumbs, will you, fellas?

Pass the word. Watch the crumbs.

'According to the authorities, the desperadoes and their victim

'may have travelled north

'in an effort to escape. Their getaway car was discovered on - '

That's Miss Miller!

Who?

Miss Miller, the Christmas Club winner with the bank.

I've known her for years.

Oh, yeah. So have I.

She goes to our laundromat.

It's kind of creepy, isn't it,

this happening in our neighbourhood, and to people we know?

Shall I wait around till your sister comes home, the protecting bit?

No, thanks.

All right.

'And now, surfers, here's the word for tomorrow.'

'This is your weather girl with the beach news for the am.

'Goleta to Zuma,

'sea conditions light to moderate.

'Malibu, moderate in the early morning, with heavies expected.'

Hey, Pat!

Surf's up tomorrow. Wanna go?

Yeah, sure. 'Night.

'Night!

'That's all for tonight, surfers, The word is go!

'See you at the beach.'

Here. Come on.

There, there.

Wow! 11:15!

I gotta get some sleep.

ENGINE STARTS

SCREECHING

SCREECHING TYRES

I thought we'd almost had it there, for a moment.

Sorry. One of Patti's friends.

Oh. Ha!

-Is it a date, then?

-Mm-hm.

You won't regret it. Mother's an extremely fine cook.

I'm sure she is, Gregory.

Mother cooks the world's best duck.

As for the duck! Did I tell you it was a gadwall?

No, I don't believe you did.

I stood all day in a duck blind to get it.

It was pouring rain. I almost got pneumonia.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

It's all right, it was worth it. Well worth it.

Oh, it's a beautiful creature.

Perfectly beautiful. Superb, even.

If Mother...

Mother prepares duck in the classic old-fashioned way.

She hangs it out on the screen porch

for 48 hours before cooking.

It makes all the difference in the world.

-All the difference in the world.

-I...

I'm looking forward to meeting your mother. I've heard a lot about her.

I know that you two are going to be the very best of friends.

And now, er...

Good night.

Good night.

I'll see you in the morning.

Same time as usual.

Mm-hm.

BARKING

FRANTIC BARKING

BARKING

Quiet, Bitzy!

Good night, my little beauties.

BIRD IMPRESSION

GROWLING

CAT MIAOWS

KNOCKING AT DOOR

OK.

Where's the duck?

I beg your pardon?

I want my duck!

Your duck?

If you please.

I'm sorry, I really don't know -

Where is that sneaky, miserable guttersnipe?

He's got my duck.

What duck?

Don't you dare pretend with me! I saw him come in here with it.

Saw WHO come in?

Patricia Randall, I have had all I can take of your rotten cat!

He molests my prize fantails, crawls over my car with his muddy paws.

He digs up my mother's tulip bulbs

and has driven my dog to the brink of a nervous breakdown!

You mean DC? Well, I'm sorry,

but actually he isn't my cat. He isn't anybody's cat.

What are you talking about? He lives here, doesn't here?

Well, of course,

but don't you see? You don't own

someone like DC. He's family.

Oh...

What am I going to do?

Shoot! I spend all day in a duck blind.

Pouring rain,

and I get one duck.

One single gadwall.

That flea-raddled fiend had to go and steal it.

Gregory, I know you're upset, but be honest. It was dark, wasn't it?

It could easily have been that nasty cat across the street,

who does everything that DC gets blamed for -

CAT MIAOWS

Oh, DC!

How could you?

Hold this.

DC, give that to me this instant!

DC, I want you to know

I'm very, very disappointed in you.

GROWLS

Oh.

Oh, Greg, I am sorry.

I can't think what could have come over him.

Bad, bad cat! Bad!

"Bad, bad cat!"

You're a menace to the whole neighbourhood.

If I had my way, the authorities

would do away with you!

Wait a minute, Gregory. DC's a cat.

He can't help his instincts.

He's a hunter, just like you are,

only he's not stupid enough

to sit in the pouring rain all day.

Well! Let me make myself quite clear.

You keep him locked up, cos the next time time I see him,

I'll give him a pants-full of buckshot!

Nine times if necessary.

CAT HISSES

I know.

I don't care for him much, either.

But he does have a point, don't you think?

Was that Gregory

-I heard down there?

-Correct.

He sounded angry.

Yeah. I believe he was.

What goes on here, anyway?

Nothing. Nothing at all. DC just happened

to take a duck off Gregory's back porch.

Happened to take a duck?

Yes. Gregory came stamping and banging over to find it, furious.

He made a perfect fool of himself. I don't think he's a stable person.

-There goes my duck dinner.

-Your what?

He invited me for dinner. His mother was going to fix the duck.

Fix the...?

Ingrid, don't you see,

you're walking into a trap?

Patti, for goodness sake. Gregory drives me to work in the morning.

At night, he picks me up and he takes me home.

If he goes to all that trouble,

the least I can do is be courteous if he asks me to dinner.

Ingrid, how can you be so blind?

The guy with the old car pool routine, right?

Why not? His law office happens to be right next door to where I work.

The point is, there used to be five people in that car,

then Gregory traded in his sedan for a two-seater sports car.

Mr Burke, Miss Batters, Miss Mosely

were ruthlessly squeezed out

to find other transportation. Right?

Now, Patti, listen -

Creeping matrimony is what it is.

The car pool, the duck dinner,

a movie here and there.

Ingy, you're taking the gas, and you don't even know it.

Thank you. I'm sure you mean well,

but I think I can handle the Gregory situation in my own bumbling way.

I'm sorry, but I suppose at your age,

when that important person hasn't come into your life, well...

Well what?

Well, I suppose a tinge -

just the faintest tinge -

of desperation begins to blow your judgement.

Good night.

There is no tinge of desperation, however faint, in my outlook,

and my vision is exceptionally clear.

Good.

Which brings us to some of your friends.

-My friends?

-Yes, dear.

The one we've tripped over for years.

Canoe? Oh, that's very unfair.

Canoe is...

Well, he's just defenceless.

He's very sweet and young, and needs help.

Well, I agree he needs something.

He mopes around in raggedy shorts and eats us out of house and home.

It just shows how little you know him.

Canoe has... He has plenty of ambition.

What? To be the first 50-year-old surfer at Santa Monica?

If you ask me, he's...

What's the matter?

DC's wearing a wristwatch.

Well, what will that dear sweet innocent cat

be bringing home next? The Hope Diamond, I imagine.

Where do you suppose he got it?

I don't know. Probably some child slipped it on,

or some teenager put it on for a joke.

Check with Lost & Found in the morning.

Ingrid!

Look. Someone started to scratch something on the casing. See?

H, E and that looks like

part of an L.

H-E-L...

I'll bet somebody was trying to write "HELP" and they were interrupted.

Somebody's in trouble.

What cooks in that wild little head of yours now?

Somebody's in trouble. I feel it in my bones.

You bet. Now let me go to sleep.

I'm a working girl, you know.

Don't you think we ought to do something?

Good night.

Come on, DC. Give.

Someone does need help, don't they?

I know you could find a way

to tell me if you really wanted to.

A smart cat like you.

You can be such a rat, sometimes.

Don't say anything. Point me towards the coffee.

What's wrong with you?

Oh, I didn't close my eyes once last night.

Oh, I've got huge dark circles

under my eyes.

And me so young!

What's bothering you?

I just couldn't stop thinking about this watch.

Especially that pitiful cry for help on the back.

You're not going to start that all over again, are you? So help me -

You know, I've thought and thought and thought,

and I finally know the answer.

The watch belongs to her.

-The kidnapped woman?

-Yeah.

Oh, come off it, Patti.

Does it have a name on it?

CAR HORN

No, but it's the sort of watch

a woman like that would wear.

Feminine, yet bank-tellerish,

if you see what I mean.

Patti, you are absolutely impossible.

Have a nice day at the office, Ingy.

Patti, you've got that terrible

butter-won't-melt-in-your-mouth expression.

I know exactly what's going on in your tiny mind, and I forbid it.

What do you mean?

You can't over-dramatise this, like everything else.

I forbid you to get the police stirred up

with a hallucination about people in trouble.

Check.

You're not to go to the police with that watch, OK?

-Certainly.

-Bye.

-GREGORY:

-Good morning, Ingrid.

-Good morning.

Naturally I wouldn't go to the police.

This is a job for the FBI.

May I help you?

Yes, I'd like to see a...

We call them agents, here.

-I'd like to see an agent.

-May I ask what about?

I have information about a crime.

Thanks. Would you wait over there?

Yes.

These are for you, Mr Hart.

Thank you. I'm back at 11 o'clock.

Morning, Hart.

-Good morning, Mr Kelso.

-Anything for me?

No, sir.

Well, if a Mr Paul calls about the bank records, put him through.

See you around.

Is he an agent?

Yes, he is.

Nice face, hasn't he?

-Why, yes.

-TELEPHONE RINGS

Yes, Mr Ellenden.

The messenger hasn't arrived yet.

I can put a tracer on it.

No, sir. We haven't heard from Denver all morning.

I'll connect you to Morrow.

He's got the reports on that case.

CLEARS THROAT

We've got 22 Howards in Los Angeles. We'd better start at the top.

Mr Kelso, I have something to report

on one of your cases. It's the family cat. He's called DC.

That means Darn Cat. Daddy named him, and called him something much worse.

Mother won't let us use that name.

Excuse me. First, what is your name?

Patricia Randall. 808 Pendleton Avenue.

Uh-huh. What is this information you have, Miss Randall?

Well, it's DC, our cat.

He likes to prowl around at night, as cats do, nothing wrong with that.

He likes people as a rule.

If they're nice to him, and give him food, he goes back.

He has a regular route to pick out food, like a milkman in reverse.

You say that this relates to one of our cases?

Yes! Yes, it does.

Last night, DC was out, roaming around and stole a duck

from Mr Benson down the street.

Ah, Miss er...Randall.

I'm afraid that that's a police matter.

You see, our jurisdiction is limited to certain fields of investigation.

At present, duck stealing is not one of them.

How about bank robbery and kidnapping?

I'll hear the rest of your story, Miss Randall.

Thank you.

Well, last night,

DC came home wearing a wristwatch.

Wearing a wristwatch?

Yes. Instead of his collar.

Oh.

I couldn't help thinking what I would do

if I were this poor woman, Miss Miller,

held prisoner by two hoodlums,

and a stray cat

-came wandering in.

-Mm-hm.

Don't you see? I'd put something of mine on the cat as a clue,

like a wristwatch, maybe try to scratch something on it.

Do you have this wristwatch?

Mr Kelso, I knew you'd understand.

That's why I selected you personally.

Here.

You see, of course, on the back,

where she started to scratch "HELP." She was interrupted.

H-E-

and that squiggle could be an L.

Well, it doesn't quite spell "HELP", does it?

But she was wearing a wristwatch at the time of her abduction.

We have only a superficial description.

-But -

-This may or may not be the watch.

But wouldn't it be enough to start on?

Miss Randall, I wonder if you could wait here for just a few moments?

Of course not, Mr Kelso. My entire day is at your disposal.

Thank you, Miss Randall.

Well, it's a goofy idea.

-That's what I thought, sir.

-The only thing is, I like it.

You do, sir?

I don't like this paper chase someone has lead us on.

Those twenty dollar bills from the bank job

we've picked up along the valley.

Oh, you mean they went in another direction?

Stayed right here in the city.

This watch lead ties in with that. How's your workload, Kelso?

Me, sir? Well, I'm going over those old bank records on Johnny Lacouts.

I'm ready to trip him up.

Lacouts can wait. Kidnapping takes priority.

I want you to set up a surveillance and tail this cat.

Tail the cat?

He may take us to the robbers.

That's all.

Actually, sir, I don't have any experience in tailing cats.

For that matter, who does?

Sorry, sir. You want me to set up a surveillance on this... informant,

exactly as if we thought of him as a person?

Unless, of course, it works out better to think of him as a cat.

Sir, I think it's only fair to tell you, I don't get on well with cats.

There's a kind of an antagonism between us.

Is that so?

Yes. Also, I have this allergy.

Allergy? I make it my business

to know the medical records of every man here.

Have you been keeping it from me?

A very small allergy, sir, hardly worth mentioning.

Good. Then don't. Stay in touch.

I'm available on this case 24 hours a day.

Yes, sir.

Sir, it's just that every time I'm around c-c-c...

Atchoo!

Gesundheit, and good luck.

Thank you, sir.

HE SNEEZES VIOLENTLY

Yes, a lot of people are going to be sorry

for the things they said about DC.

Wait till they find out he's working with the FBI.

I don't think we should expose your cat's relationship with us yet.

I'd like to remain as inconspicuous as possible.

You don't want people knowing who you are and what you're doing?

Exactly. They become over-stimulated when they discover an FBI man.

It tends to interfere with the quiet,

orderly process of investigation, especially in kidnap cases.

This places the life of the kidnap victim into additional jeopardy.

You mean we have to be careful not to generate too much heat?

The kidnappers are liable to kill Miss Miller,

dispose of the remains and take off?

Er, that's one way to put it, yes.

Right. Now, you go first.

Remember, everything quiet, calm and inconspicuous.

Quiet, calm, inconspicuous.

WHISTLES INNOCENTLY

The brazen creature! Right in broad daylight!

What are you cackling about now?

A strange young man just went into the house with Patti.

So what?

He was carrying a bag.

Don't get yourself up in a sweat, old woman.

It's probably the plumber.

It was not the plumber! This man was nicely dressed!

That's the way plumbers dress, now.

The prices they charge these days,

I'm surprised he wasn't wearing a tuxedo.

Do you have any friends? I mean,

people in and out of the house?

Yes, I'm afraid so.

Father says we run a rehabilitation centre

-for punch-drunk juveniles.

-Uh-huh.

I'd prefer a room on the second floor, actually.

It'll reduce the chance of someone coming in and finding me at work.

-Is this your room?

-Ingrid's, my sister.

-Would she mind?

-No, she'd be only too happy to help.

That's the side door to the kitchen you were telling me about?

Yes. That's the exit DC uses

when he goes out for a night on the town.

Well, tonight, we'll set up our communications unit in here.

Whatever you like.

Now, I suppose I'd better meet the c-c-c...

Bless you. What did you say?

I said I'd...

I'd suppose I'd...

better...meet...the...

Oh. DC.

He's probably goofing around under the bed.

It's his favourite spot.

Your sins have caught up with you.

This is your FBI.

Well...

So, this is the...

Informant, as we say at the office.

You hear that, DC?

You're the informant, now.

CAT GROWLS

Nice little kitty-cat. Good, good kitty-cat.

-Is he friendly?

-Mm.

HISSES

He almost got me that time, didn't he?

He's all right, really. Don't make any sudden moves

as it sets off his reflexes or something.

Oh... He doesn't seem to like me, does he?

I guess that's a bad sign, the kind of people that animals don't like.

Oh, it doesn't mean a thing. DC and Daddy loathe one another,

and Daddy's the lamb of the year.

Say... I w-w-w...

I wonder if you would excuse me

for one minute. We better get this show on the road.

What are you going to do?

I have some preliminary work to do with DC

before we start our surveillance. Photo's and so on.

-For the papers, you mean?

-Oh no, for our own people to study.

There's pawprints and plaster impressions, samples of his fur to -

CAT MIAOWS

Oh, bless you. You're catching a terrible cold.

DC, pull yourself together.

Do you want me to get you something?

No, I'm fine. It's just a slight allergy that I have around c-c...

Around er...

I wonder if you'd put him on the bed. Let me get a picture of him.

There you go.

Could you get him to stand?

I'll get a full figure shot.

Oh, yes.

There you go.

Oh, come on, DC. Co-operate.

Come on, DC. You're working with the FBI. There.

There.

That's not going to be any good.

I can't see him properly.

Wait a minute. Here's what he likes.

Here!

-MIAOWS

-Where did he go?

Back under the bed.

I should have taken the pawprints first.

You're right. He's not about to come out.

Well, can't we just get hold of him and drag him out?

Sure - if you want to lose a hand.

The Bureau has spent 19,800 of the taxpayer's money

training me for emergencies.

They expect something for their cash.

I have no intention of being intimidated by this c-c-c... animal.

GROWLS

-You are a very brave man.

-Thank you.

All right, when I count three, we'll both grab him at the same time,

-but move fast.

-All right. Let's go.

-Are you ready?

-Let's go.

One, two, three!

MIAOWS

Argh!

Oh, DC!

Gadzooks, you're bleeding.

Oh, it's nothing, probably just an artery.

Would you get him down for me?

You're not going ahead with this!

Miss Randall, you underestimate me.

We shall proceed with the pawprinting.

All right.

Come on, now, DC.

Don't be difficult.

What's that?

It's ink.

Ink! Can't we do that in the bathroom?

Ingrid will murder me if we get ink on the rug.

Sure. Let's go.

MIAOWS Don't make such a fuss, DC.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Sorry about the washing. A girl's bathroom, you know?

It's OK.

Come on, now!

Good old kitty-cat. Nice, nice kitty-cat.

DC GROWLS

I'll just rub this on here.

Let's see. I guess I'll put the pawprint in the space for the thumb.

Oh, hurry! I can't hold him any longer.

Oh. All right. Here we go, now.

Right, now just relax.

Take it easy there, now. It won't hurt a bit.

KNOCKING AT DOOR Oh, Canoe!

Can I what?

No, Canoe is a friend.

I promised to go to the beach.

That's not good. Does he hang around?

Yes. He has kitchen privileges.

He's not easy to -

Try to get rid of him, will you? It's important.

What will I say?

Anything! Just keep him away from here.

< INSISTENT KNOCKING All right.

Hurry back, for the love of heaven.

OK, Tiger.

-It's either you or me.

-CAT YOWLS

Patti?

Yes?

What kind of a get-up is that?

Do you want the crowd to think you're an eccentric?

Oh, please go on without me.

I don't think I can make it today.

Well, Patti, Patti, are you all right?

I've never seen you like this before.

Can I help?

No, it's all right.

I just feel terribly, terribly weak.

If you're so weak, how come

I can't get through the door?

Please go, Canoe.

I can't bear you to see me looking like this.

-KELSO SCREAMS

-What was that?

What was what?

That bloodcurdling scream!

Canoe, please go.

Oh, I'm very sorry.

I didn't know I was butting in on murder(!)

Oh, don't be silly.

GLASS SMASHES

You know how DC hates water. He's having a bath.

By himself?

OK. If you won't go to the beach with me,

then I'll make myself a sandwich.

Kitchen privileges are temporarily withdrawn.

Oh, he's gone!

Pawprints everywhere!

Yeah. Except on the card.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Aha! The best pawprint I ever made.

The first point I wish to make is that time is not on our side.

The word is move, and move swiftly.

We'll be following an informant

whose information may or may not be reliable.

However, he could lead us to the Miller kidnappers.

OK, here's the physical. Name of the informant, DC Randall.

Nationality: Siamese. Sex: Male.

Eyes: Blue. Weight: 17 pounds.

17 pounds?

Exactly.

Hair - in this case fur - black,

-streaked with tan and white.

-You did say fur?

Correct.

You want us to follow a cat?

That's the assignment.

How do you follow a cat? They go through fences.

They climb trees and phone poles.

Whither he goest, you will go.

Do you have a question, Graham?

No, I was just thinking I've got an old dog

who's a lot better at tracking cats than I am.

We don't have time for comments.

I'd like to remind you a woman's life is involved.

Sorry.

OK.

Now, tonight you'll take up your initial positions

in the area surrounding

the Randall house, here.

When the informant leaves,

we'll contain him loosely within a moving, fluid perimeter.

It's important he doesn't become aware of us.

This may alter his normal pattern of behaviour.

Hold it! Who do you think you are kidding?

What do you mean?

You think I don't know what's going on?

You do?

I didn't come in from Stupidsville

on last night's bus. You've a woman

-in that apartment.

-Hold it. What does that mean?

Don't double-talk me. I've got ears.

It's Dan's mother.

She...came unexpected, sudden, like. We didn't know, that's all.

I don't care if it's Pocahontas!

You've three people in there.

It will cost you an extra 20.

I'll bring it right down.

Don't bother! I'll come up and get it. I like to know my tenants.

You can't do it. She's sick, you see.

What's wrong? Nothing catching, is it?

It's her nervous system. It's all boiled up. She can't stand visitors.

Iggy.

We have to leave, Dan. We've got to get out of here.

-What for?

-The battle-axe downstairs

knows we've got a dame. She heard her talking.

We have to go. I said it was your mother.

Why didn't you tell her it was the TV?

I told you a million times, the TV!

All right. I've got to talk to you, Dan, in private.

Why private? We've got no secrets from Moms.

Come on, will you? Please, Dan.

All right, all right.

Go in the kitchen and get a glass of water.

Stand by the sink, where I can see you.

OK. Fill me in.

Yeah. I found a place.

Where?

I got a big bin. I spotted it in an alley two blocks away,

at the back of a store where they dump trash.

Not so good. It's too close.

Anyway, I don't like bodies.

They always turn up at the wrong times.

We've gotta unload her.

The lady downstairs is going to start nosing around.

We're OK, as long as we sit tight.

I say we gotta make a move.

-We sweat it out right here.

-Listen, Dan.

Anything else, I'd play it your way, right?

Just one condition.

Who says you make conditions?

-Just one!

-Such as?

She goes.

All right.

But not until later,

and not in the trash bin.

See if you can boost a car somewhere.

Get her out of the city.

Are you sure your sister

won't mind us using her room?

No, not a bit. She'll be happy to help.

Good, good.

Spires, this is control. Do you read me?

Sweet and clear. You reading me?

Affirmative. What's your exact position?

In the alley, about 30 feet from the Randall back gate.

You are in the forward spot. You'll see DC when he hits the alley.

Let me know which way he turns.

Cahill, what's your field of vision?

West to Whittier, east to the bend of Wetherby Drive.

Stand by. About three minutes to go.

You're young to be doing this work,

aren't you? It's terribly responsible.

I'm really not that young.

Kelly, are you settled in?

South side of Maple, about 50 feet from the junction with Wetherby.

Got it.

You're very athletic-looking. Do you surf?

No, no. Not any more.

My legs always looked ridiculous in those shorts.

Besides, I was scared to death, half the time.

I don't believe that. Look at all the brave things you do in your job.

Miss Randall, maybe we could chat some other time.

As you pointed out today,

a woman's life may depend on what we're doing.

I'm sorry. Do you want me to leave?

Maybe that would be best, yes.

Oh, all right.

I only thought if DC

happened to wake up and find a strange man in the bedroom,

I just don't know how he's going to take it.

Er, you've got a point, there.

Graham, are you settled in?

Opposite the west end of the alley.

'If the informant goes west, you've got him.'

If he goes the other way, stand by. I'll give you a new position.

-Who's the square eight one?

-That's the informant.

-Informant?

-Yeah.

Oh, DC! Ah.

Say... are you sure he always goes out at 9:00?

Oh, yes.

Unless, of course, it's one of his contrary nights.

HE SNORES

CLOCK CHIMES

All agents now stand by.

-For goodness' sake - act casual.

-What?

Don't let him suspect anything's going on.

Oh.

Oh. Ha.

Nice kitty-cat.

-CLEARS THROAT

-Good old kitty-cat.

Mm-hm. You can save the hypocrisy. He knows you don't like him.

Oh.

CHIRPING

You're all tensed up. He's getting the idea something's wrong.

(Can't you act casual?)

Well. Nice weather we're having, isn't it?

And there's a bit of wind from the east.

(That's terrible. Can't you do any better than that?)

-Well...

-And be careful what you say.

MIAOWS

Well, now, he... certainly can't understand what I'm saying, can he?

Not everything, of course. He's just a cat.

But mostly everything.

I told you before! Let my stuff alone!

Ow...

And come on in the house. Come on.

-(I thought he went out at nine.)

-Shh.

Spires, he's on his way.

I have the informant in sight.

He's turning west on the alley toward Whittier Drive.

Graham, he's coming to you. Pick him up.

I've got him.

He's in the yard of the second last house on Maple St. I'll investigate.

Spires and Kelly,

informant is moving north. Stand by for positions.

He's looking up at the side windows.

-Who lives here?

-The Hendersons. They came last year.

'He's moving on to the street.'

Kelly, next to last house on Maple. He's coming through.

I make him, Control. He's bearing toward the business area.

All right, Kelly. Follow the informant on foot.

Spires, go to Whittier and College.

'Informant approaching Whittier and State.'

OK. Graham,

move to 7th and State. Junction 7th and State.

'Informant has now turned west onto State St.'

Cahill,

move to 8th Street, half a block south of Main.

Informant is moving down the alley from State to Main.

Informant has stopped on Main St at a delicatessen.

That's Mr Bartle's. DC's always hanging round.

It drives Mr Bart out of his mind.

MIAOWS

Get outta here!

Informant's crossing to the south side of the street.

Stay put, Kelly.

Graham, move to 7th and Main.

-Cahill, have you got a visual?

-Have him, Control - approaching me.

Informant is past my position, heading for the middle of the block.

Informant is in the yard of an apartment building.

Stick with him.

-Does DC know anybody on 8th St?

-Who knows?

MIAOWS

He's still in the yard.

'He seems interested in something on the second floor.'

-HE WHISTLES

-Pull in our perimeter.

Kelly, move down 8th to the building.

Cahill, stay with the informant.

Graham, cut through the back yards behind the apartment.

-DC won't be hurt?

-I must ask you to be quiet.

Spires, drive toward the location slowly with your lights on.

CAT MIAOWS

THE CAT MIAOWS

Back away from that window!

Why not just let her stick her head out and yell, meathead?

What'd I do?

CAT MIAOWS

Hold it. Informant's on the move again.

'Proceeding north on 8th St, the way he came in.'

Oh, no! All right, Cahill, stay with him.

Other agents return to positions.

I thought we had something for a minute.

Oh, I love DC, but he can drive you up the wall sometimes.

-We didn't expect to find what we wanted at first.

-Good.

DC makes the scene all over.

-He must have dozens of stops.

-Dozens?

-'Informant crossing Main St.'

-Stay with him.

Maybe I shouldn't have said that.

I don't want to see you tensed up. It can't be healthy.

Miss Randall, I do not get tensed up.

We are trained not to be emotional. Alert, yes. Tense, no.

Oh, I am relieved.

HE EXHALES

Ingrid, when you come to dinner at the house,

would you wear something yellow?

Oh, Gregory, I look yuck in yellow.

Well, do make an effort, dear. It's Mother's favourite colour.

Control, I'm getting hot.

The informant is suspicious.

Try and stay with him to the end of the alley. Graham's coming in.

OK.

CLATTER

Control? The... the informant has broken off contact.

I've lost him.

All agents abandon present position.

Converge on the alley from Wetherby to Maple.

-Say!

-Shh!

Shh? What's going on here?

Quiet, please. Report to me.

How dare you? Why is this man in my room?

Ingrid, I want you to meet Mr Kelso,

from the Federal Bureau of Investigation.

Please stop chattering, or leave. Report that again?

Mr Whoever-you-are, where do you get off? It's my room!

Patti, you MUST be quiet, and that goes for -

Oh, hi. Cahill, what happened?

-What's going on?

-Ingrid, be still!

It's a matter of life and death. I'll explain later.

No. Get Tom Swift and his electric scoreboard out of here,

or I'll call the police.

You don't call the police to the FBI. They won't come.

Spires, approach from the east and meet Cahill and Kelly.

That just makes it absolutely official.

Control, we're at the rendezvous. Negative.

OK.

-BRAKES SQUEAL

-There he is!

'I've got him.'

Graham, Kelly, stay. Cahill, Spires, circle ahead. Don't lose him.

There he goes!

I'm not going to have hysterics.

I am going to ask everyone, as nicely as possible,

-please leave my room!

-Just come into the hall.

-I'll explain it all.

-I'm NOT going in the hall.

-Graham, where are you?

-'I'm not sure. I doubled back.'

Keep the informant in sight.

Bingo. There he is.

Walking along a branch toward a light frame house.

'Control, I see him too, at a French door on a balcony,

'trying to get it open. There are people in the room.'

-How many?

-'I just see shadows.'

'Take care. They may be armed. Wait for the others.'

I'm moving to the front. Kelly's behind me.

-They're closing in!

-CLOSING IN WHAT?

Spires and I will go in the balcony.

There won't be shooting, will there? DC's in the middle!

-We'll try to surprise them.

-Oh, man!

-The front door is unlocked.

-Good. Use the stairs.

Cahill, Spires, are you in position?

Ready.

Go on in.

THEY ALL SCREAM

-What's the idea?

-The cat came in here.

Are you guys out of your mind? There's no c...

HE GASPS, THEN SNEEZES

What's the ma...

CAT MIAOWS Oh, you poor darling.

Frightened to death.

-That...

-HE SNEEZES

..cat!

HORN BLARES

-Oh, good morning, Mr Benson.

-Good morning, Mrs MacDougall.

I hope Ingrid is feeling better.

Better? Is something wrong?

Well, I figured she was sick.

She had the doctor over last night.

Er... leastwise, I ASSUME he was the doctor.

Er, who else

would be up there, in her room?

Exactly.

Mrs MacDougall, just exactly what time was this?

Look at the old buzzard. I can imagine what she's saying.

"It's not my business, but there was a man in Ingrid's room."

Hm. You won't tell him they're FBI men, will you? No-one must know.

So I say the Iguanas Club is having fall manoeuvres here?

You're a love, Inky. I know you won't give everything away.

Miss Miller's life is in the balance.

So does my car pool.

My reputation won't be worth a nickel unless you get them out.

-But think of Miss Miller. We have to co-operate.

-Of course.

However, the FBI has got along beautifully without using my room.

I want Mr Whoever he is and his ham radio or whatever it is

out by the time I get home, or I'll become very difficult.

-Is that clear?

-Yes. Quite clear.

Have a nice day, Inky.

Good morning, Ingrid. How do you feel this morning?

Be careful, Gregory. Be extremely careful what you say.

I've had no coffee, and I'm in no mood for irresponsible remarks.

Oh.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Come in.

Kelso. I was just looking at your report.

Yes, sir. It may look a little peculiar on paper. If I amplify...

All it needs is Chester Conklin and the Mack Sennett Bathing Girls.

Ah, ha... that's very good, sir. But we did learn something.

Yes, sir. Too many men on the detail. The informant, ie. the cat,

became suspicious and disturbed. I felt we crowded him.

That's the conclusion I reached. I've assigned the men to other work.

Fine, sir. I won't need them.

In fact, I've decided to wrap up this whole cat angle.

You can go back to work on Johnny the Cooch.

Mr Newton,

I never wanted to be involved in this cat thing.

However, I would like to try once more myself.

Just how, alone, at night, can you follow this animal?

With a transmitter, sir.

-A transm... You want to bug the cat?

-That's right.

OK, Kelso. One more night.

-One. No more.

-Thank you, sir.

And don't try to be a hero.

-If you get anything, bring us in.

-Absolutely, sir.

I appreciate your help, Miss Randall.

It's all right. Our parents are away.

Don't worry about your reputation, Inky.

Later we can explain why all these men were in your room.

-Thanks.

-We'll restore your image as a quiet, respectable girl,

who wouldn't dream of getting involved with men.

Oh, please. I don't mind being respectable,

but I don't want to be known as a cold potato.

I don't think there's any danger of that. Do you?

No, I... hardly think so.

-Thanks.

-The collar's ready.

OK. Shall I slip it on the informant?

Oh, yes. Please.

You'd never guess.

-That's the bug.

-Bug?

Microphone. And here's a miniature transmitter. Sweet, isn't it?

Wherever DC goes, Mr Kelso can hear everything.

Conversation, music, footsteps - anything.

But suppose DC simply shakes him off his trail?

He did last night, didn't he?

Impossible. Then the direction-finder goes to work.

-Ah... Be careful with that, Patti.

-Absolutely.

You see, DC has a built-in beeper in his collar, which sends out signals,

and they're picked up on this.

Just by turning it, Mr Kelso can tell by that needle exactly where DC is.

-Oh, come on, Patti.

-I'll prove it.

Look.

I'll borrow the spare collar, hide you in the house...

..and we'll get Mr Kelso to find you!

Patti, don't be ridiculous. I've got things to do.

You don't want to see how the government spends your taxes?

You don't want him to think you're stuffy.

Patti, I couldn't care less if the gentleman thinks I'm stuffy.

Oh, it'll be fun! Here's the collar.

-Hey, hey!

-No, it works like a charm.

-OK. Ingrid's all ready.

-Good. Good.

Ready for what?

KNOCK AT DOOR Oh! Canoe!

I promised I'd go to the drive-in.

It's almost nine. Can you get rid of him?

Yes. I'll do the Camille thing again.

Hey, wait a minute! Is he liable to hang around?

-Possibly. He's sweet, but fly-paper.

-No, Patti, keep your date.

Get him out of the area.

This is my last surveillance. I can't risk gumming it up.

Oh, but I wanted to help.

Well, this will help, Patti. Now, please, hm? And hurry.

All right. KNOCK AT DOOR

Ergh!

HE KNOCKS HARD I'm ready. Let's go.

-I was going to make a sandwich.

-Are you out of your mind?

You'll miss the opening of Night Of The Surfer,

with Kit Gladsby, King of the Roaring Surf?

I thought these pictures made you seasick.

Of course! Don't they everybody?

'Mr Kelso, if you don't mind...

-'let's get going.'

-Be patient. It's not nine o'clock.

Say that again.

-HE SNEEZES

-'Let's get going!'

Now, wait a minute.

Let's just... try and pull ourselves together here.

'Patti, you little wretch, let me out of here! I'm suffocating!'

Oh...

Hey!

-Patti! Let me out of here!

-Patti's gone to the movies.

Gone to the movies?

Something seems to be stuck here.

Open it! There's no air!

Let me out! I'm suffocating!

You'll be all right. I'll get a screwdriver.

I'm suffocating! Let me out of here!

I'm sorry, but the cat's going out now.

-I've got to follow him.

-Open the door!

Let me out of here!

-Help!

-I'll be back as soon as I can.

Probably just an hour or two. Lie on the floor. There'll be more air.

I'm going to scream!

Worst thing you can do.

-Uses up all the air.

-PIERCING SHRIEK

I distinctly heard a woman scream.

Right. And if you don't keep away from that door, you'll hear another.

OK. Push.

I'd have that latch fixed,

if you go in there a lot.

Excuse me, but I've got to run. I just hope I haven't lost him.

Go ahead and follow that cat!

And when you find him, do me a favour!

The both of you just please stay there!

BEEPING

MOTORBIKE REVS

Aahhh?

DOG PANTS

DOG SNARLS

DOG BARKS

Thank you, sir. Turn off your lights, please.

Good evening, sir. Enjoy the show.

Hey!

You can't drive in without a car! Come on.

CAT MIAOWS

Lost something, mister? Your car, perhaps?

-What's that thing?

-Er, a litter meter.

-For public places.

-What business is that of yours?

Health inspector. Boy, this place is a mess.

It pushes the needle right off the scale. I bet you get mice.

Sir, a mouse is no more permitted here

-than a man without a car.

-Why are there all these cats?

There goes another one. Excuse me.

Health inspector? Where's your badge?

HORN BLARES

There's sure something weird going on at your house.

-What do you mean, weird?

-Well, like,

whose car is that parked outside all the time?

Canoe, will you stop grilling me and watch?

Wow! Isn't he something?

And that's another thing.

How come you like surf movies? You said they made you seasick.

If you ask me, you're the one who's coming on weird lately.

You used to be so sweet.

Aw, I don't know what's happening. I'm all churned up inside.

Tell you what. Go and get a nice pizza to settle your stomach.

I don't feel like a pizza.

Well, for Pete's sake stop grumbling and watch the movie!

Oh, all these surf pictures look alike.

DC!

Oh, DC, what are you doing? You should be prowling.

What are you getting so hysterical for? If he wants to stay, let him.

I certainly will not. You know what you're supposed to do.

Now get with it! Make the scene.

Take off.

SHE COUGHS

My smoking bother you?

I like the smell. It's the fumes from all those matches.

-Can't you keep it lit?

-All right. All right. Forget it.

Forget it.

I'm sorry, Canoe.

I guess neither of us is in a very good mood.

You can say that again.

Why don't we just settle down and watch this fascinating movie?

Oof...

HORNS BLARE

It's DC! What on earth's he doing there?

HORNS CONTINUE