The Cat and the Canary

CANARY TWEETS

CAT MIAOWS

WOMAN: Here, puss-puss.

Here, puss-puss. Come here.

CAT SCREECHES

MAN: Come along! Come along!

That's right. Don't fall. Don't fall.

Now, then, come here.

Take him in.

Mew-Mew! Mew-Mew!

Come along! Come along! Mew-Mew!

Come along!

Where are you?

Mew-Mew! Come along!

Mew-Mew!

Mew-Mew! Come along!

THUNDER RUMBLES

KNOCK ON DOOR

KNOCKING PERSISTS

-Good evening, Mrs Crosby. You're the first to arrive.

-Well!

Everything has been done according to your instructions.

THUNDER CONTINUES TO RUMBLE

You have kept the place immaculate, Mrs Pleasant.

Well!

Mrs Pleasant, I can't say you've missed much.

Between the Bolsheviks on one side and the democrats on the other,

the world has become unrecognisable.

Mr West is safe?

Just as you left him.

Hah!

The disintegration should be minimal.

Well, it'll be strange to...

see him again...

listen to him again.

Shall we go?

MACHINE RATTLES AND DRONES

-Has the temperature been maintained?

-Well, yes.

-Are you sure?

-Yes.

And the locks haven't been opened since you closed them.

That was a long time ago.

Yet, in a way, not so long.

20 years.

Tonight.

It's a strange feeling, Mrs Pleasant,

to find one opening something one closed 20 years ago.

Almost to the hour.

Happy anniversary, Mr West.

Welcome to 1934.

LID CREAKS

Mrs Pleasant, I don't seem to recall being informed about a moth.

It has reached its majority.

But I can't think how it happened! I haven't got a key.

Quite.

Quite, Mrs Pleasant, but I will investigate the local moth colony

and find out who they sent over.

THUNDER CRASHES

It's the spirit!

Open the door, will you? I've been pounding on it for ten minutes!

Just a moment.

Just another small moment, please.

I think your guests are beginning to arrive...

most anxiously.

HE CHORTLES

Good evening, Mrs Crosby. Good evening, Harry.

Sorry about the broken glass but... Oh, thanks, I will.

I seem to recall, breaking things is something you know a lot about.

We're flashing the sabres early tonight, aren't we?

Flashing sabres? That's a subject you also know a lot about.

< You're full of charm this evening.

Did you come down by train?

No, I drove.

But the train is in. I just managed to beat it to the crossroads.

A perfect night for the reading of the will. Am I the first?

Uh-huh. How many besides myself? I don't know.

Five were notified. Five definitely alive.

I know two and that's one too many.

Tell me, Mrs Crosby, why do relatives have to be...?

Aimed at Charlie Wilder.

Cheers.

Evening.

It's exactly as I thought it would be.

May I take your coats?

Why do you dislike Charlie so very much?

Well, second place, because he's my cousin and I don't like war heroes.

In the third, I think he's a queer.

And the fourth place, I know he's a gigolo.

In first place...

Because SHE is very fond of him.

Score two for the will reader.

I'm not going to read the will.

No? Who is?

Cyrus West.

THUNDER RUMBLES

I knew an auctioneer in Swiss Cottage once.

I bet if I called him, he could turn the place over for at least 4 million cash.

Cicily, darling, let's not get mawkishly sentimental(!)

If it's me, I'll just die. Wouldn't you just die if it was me?

Not if I'm the next in line.

I suppose you can make do with anything, if you have to.

-Good evening, Miss Crosby.

-Good evening.

CAT MIAOWS

Susan Sillsby, the noted sportswoman, and Cicily Young.

Who is noted.

I'll have a drink.

It's too early for you. ..She never drinks before sun-up.

-Did you come up from London?

-We came up together, we're roommates.

-You're cousins?

Yes, cousins AND roommates. Oh, but it won't be a problem.

We're not planning to have children.

Where do you practise, Doctor?

I used to practise in London, Beverly Hills and Geneva.

Oh, change-of-life circuit.

I know who you are.

You're the one who opens the will beforehand

and changes the heirs' names so that you get everything.

Miss Young...

I am so happy that you are free...

..to join us this evening.

Hi, clan.

Charles Howard Wilder.

-Good evening.

-Hello. Drinks for my family, for tonight we ride.

Charlie Wilder! We're cousins.

I got this coat from an out-of-work magician in exchange for flying lessons.

-Would you do me a favour?

-Anything.

-Would you take me for a ride? If I rode in a plane with Charlie Wilder, I'd just die.

-My pretty, any time.

Anything for a relative, particularly one who may be rich in a few hours.

-Maybe it'll be you, Charlie.

-I hope so. It would be funny, though.

I don't remember the old man.

Here, Harry.

Sorry you could make it. But even you can have one glass.

Everybody should have at least one glass no matter what they may have done.

-Careful! You just might get this in your face.

-Wouldn't be the first time, Harry old boy.

Even one for you, Gertrude Stein.

A glass is a glass is a glass.

Why don't you two make up?

Shake hands.

-I never thought I'd do that without gloves.

-Aren't you wearing gloves?

-Is it true that in the movies you doubled for Buddy Rogers?

-No, it was Ben Lyon.

-Haven't you always been a double?

-No, during the war I played one of the leads.

-Really, General(?)

Didn't I see your face on something to do with clean teeth?

Careful, Wilder!

In the process of keeping track of the family over the years,

I've managed to...acquire some interesting souvenirs.

HARRY LAUGHS

Well...

1932 wasn't a very good year for dogfights. I only died 17 times.

HARRY: Really?

Sure picked a perfect night for the reading of the will.

Who are you? It must be Mr Paul Jones.

Nice to see you, relative.

-Thank you. You're Charlie Wilder the flyer.

-That's true.

I knew a guy who wrote a song about you.

# Charlie Wilder The highest flyer of them all. #

-I'm a song-writer too.

-Well, you must tell me about your exploits.

-CICILY: You're the American, aren't you?

-Yes.

-You've come a long way for nothing if you're not the heir.

-Or a short way if he is. Hello, Paul Jones.

I'm strange Cousin Susan.

CICILY: Are we all here? MISS CROSBY: One still expected.

Annabelle.

Present!

Hello, everybody. Sorry I'm late.

Hello, darling.

Nice to see you.

Hello, Harry. It's nice to see you.

Hello, Charlie.

Oh, excuse me.

We've all been getting reacquainted.

This is Miss Sillsby, Miss Young, Miss Annabelle West.

-The others...I think you know.

-Yes.

Excuse me.

-Annabelle West, I'm Cicily.

-Hello.

-Hello, Cousin. Welcome to Elsinore.

Oh!

Hello!

You're Paul.

It's really nice to see you again. Long time no see, as they say.

-Hello.

-You're Aunt Emma's boy, right?

As we are all assembled, I should like to begin.

Will you please sit down?

THUNDER CRASHES

CLOCK STRIKES LOUDLY

Oh!

There's...

something wrong.

What?

-That clock.

-What about it?

It hasn't struck...for 20 years.

Maybe it's not in the union.

It struck...

seven times.

And there are eight people in the house.

THUNDER CRACKS

Some of you...

may not live.

< Are you quite sure, Mrs Pleasant?

The spirit...

is never wrong.

No, I mean, are you quite sure

that there are only eight people in this house?

On the 27th September 1914, Cyrus Camby West died in this house.

< 20 years ago tonight.

< I was instructed to assemble all his surviving relatives

< here in this room at midnight on September 27th 1934.

When do we find out who the lucky one is?

< Very soon now.

However, don't you think that all of you in this room have been... very lucky over the years?

Let's hear it for the West family.

-At least we have a celebrity in the family.

-An almost celebrity.

Well, aren't you, Miss Sillsby, well-known

for the many hunting trophies you've won as well as sharing the record for the Bengal tiger?

She certainly is!

< And you, Miss Young...

Yes, Miss Young...

are famous for shooting another kind of game.

Pity it wasn't Charlie.

< Harry, you were well-known AND successful.

Very successful with juries(!) An hour and a half to acquit you.

Now, listen, stuntman, this isn't Hollywood. I'll... < Please!

Please!

Harry!

In spite of that...unfortunate incident, your career will have been...

Peddling fifth-rate pharmaceuticals.

-Oh!

-Stop it!

I think I'm next.

Miss West. Miss West... Ah, I see...

from this newspaper article that you...

are rapidly becoming one of the most popular fashion designers in London.

An accomplishment that would be envied by someone twice your age.

Now, Cyrus West was no ordinary man.

In his lifetime, he amassed a vast fortune.

And in his retirement, he...

used his energies to...

protect that fortune from what he thought were...

..avaricious and dangerous relatives.

-HARRY: He did a good job with the necklace.

-Necklace?

The famous West necklace. It's worth over half a million pounds.

-IF you could get the diamonds today.

-Where is it?

-HARRY: That's just it, nobody knows.

It was during what was unfortunately the last year of his life

that Mr West had himself...

secretly photographed on moving picture film.

< At the same time, making synchronised sound recording.

Oh! Is this some kind of joke?

Hardly.

-CICILY: Did they have sound then?

-(Didn't you double for Buddy Rogers?

(It was Ben Lyon.)

Sound recording had, happily, been developed at that time.

We certainly come from forward-thinking stock.

He was putting on airs.

The difficulty, of course, was...

to preserve that film from disintegration during the 20 years.

That task I allotted to Mr West's...

devoted and faithful housekeeper, Mrs Pleasant.

How do we know that she didn't peek?

The integrity of Mrs Pleasant is beyond question

and, anyway, it would have been impossible.

- Would you bet your fortune on it? - My fortune is not at issue tonight.

Now, there were two films made.

The first contains Mr West reading his will, identifying his beneficiary.

The second film is not to be run tonight

and must be destroyed exactly 12 hours from now...

unless...

Unless what?

Unless the designated heir dies or...

is judged...

What?

..judged to be insane.

GASPS

Good...God!

What is that supposed to mean?

The second film contains the identity...

of the heir who is next in line.

HARRY: This is a licence for someone to kill!

The second heir would want to kill the first.

But no-one knows the identity of the second heir.

Except...

..the moth.

I would like to invite you all to a little supper on behalf of our host,

Cyrus West.

THUNDER CONTINUES TO RUMBLE AND CRACK

Do you suppose we're going to see one of Charlie's films?

Oh, I hope not, for your sakes.

Miss West, I think we shall all find

this film is more in the private collectors' category.

I hope it's as good as the one we saw on Friday night.

A film that has been made by such a man as Cyrus West.

How do we know there are no other copies?

I supervised the destruction of the negative myself.

CICILY: Tell us, who is the heir?

I can't,

because Mr West never told me and I've never seen the film. Nobody has.

Mrs Pleasant and myself are the only two people left alive who were involved with the film.

Cyrus West was the one who was insane.

He was peculiar. He was a lunatic.

Eccentric.

You must admit, this scheme makes him a little crazy.

-Ahead of his time.

-Well, you will say he was strange.

-He was unique.

He was mad. An independent thinker.

-A rich thinker.

-That's what made him independent.

Good evening, leeches. Take your places.

As you know, I am Cyrus West.

First of all, let me tell you that you're all a bunch of bastards.

Oh, I know. I know the people you came from.

They're all a bunch of bastards. Your fathers, your mothers, your uncles, your aunts,

your nephews, your nieces, your sons, your daughters, not to mention the cartload of cousins!

All a bunch of bastards, except, of course, Mew-Mew and...

perhaps one or two others.

Perhaps I'm the biggest bastard of you all

to bring you here this night so distant in the future

and to sit here contemplating the interaction of you parasites.

Now, I've asked Mrs...Pleasant...

..who promised me she wouldn't die as I've been foolish enough to do,

to prepare for you the same supper she's preparing for me this evening.

CYRUS: Ah, the wine!

Thank you!

A trifle fresh, perhaps,

but YOU should have it at more or less the perfect moment.

Mm! Cheers.

I have it fresh, you have it mature. >

It's my guess that I'm mature and it's you who are fresh.

Fresh bastards.

Oh, begin, please, begin.

The foie gras, if you can still get it, comes from Perigord near Lot.

CYRUS: Some men seek immortality. That's a mistake.

A terrible mistake.

How many of the great pharaohs do we really know? None.

These people were too greedy. They asked for too much.

To be remembered for ever - really, what conceit!

I don't want to be remembered for ever

My great pleasure at the moment is to sit here

and know that I'll be spending an evening with you

20 years from the night that I pass on to where I am now.

Except that I AM with you at this moment physically and emotionally...

in a sense.

For instance...

RESOUNDING BANG

Didn't that hurt your ears?

Of course I'm with you.

I'm spending an evening with all my living relatives.

Thank you. I...

made the guest list. I lead the conversation.

I tell the amusing stories.

I set the menu. I still command my family.

It's a comfort to know we all have the same blood flowing in our veins.

Now, this is Bombay chicken.

By the way, I've asked for some extra curry to be placed on the table.

She never puts enough in. Take a moment to do it.

Go ahead. Go ahead.

I think this chicken died in 1914.

Maybe they kept it with the film.

Harry, let's make a pact. If it's either of us, we'll split it.

-Right!

-That's not a bad idea, Cicily. ..What about it? 50-50.

No good. I'd lose out anyway.

-Why?

-Nobody would declare me sane. I'd bet on it.

I had to be mad to be born into this family.

I wasn't mad when I came here, but I will be soon.

Tell some war stories, General, that'll calm your nerves.

Now, the science of the transmission

of hereditary physical and mental characteristics is called...

genetics.

Genetically speaking,

I feel as if I was looking straight into the eyes of each and every one of you

as, indeed, you are looking into my eyes.

I might say, dear relatives...

dear survivors, that's a good name for you,

that I am as I was before 20 years ago tonight,

on the very tips of my relatives' tongues.

Isn't he going to run out of film?

Before you get too impatient - and I know my family well -

let me complete my introductory remarks

by assuring you that I'll be in your hearts for the entire evening

because I know something you don't.

Returning to genetics for a moment.

If there are more than three of you present, and I don't envisage fewer,

then the mathematical probability

of one or more of you being mentally unbalanced

is, I must tell you, not in your favour.

Coffee!

Thank you.

On the table is cream and sugar. Help yourselves.

Try and keep away from the sugar. It'll kill you.

Remember - cream first...

coffee after.

Thank you.

Now, if Alison Crosby is still alive and hasn't yet dropped dead from overwork,

she probably told you that she's had my money invested for 20 years.

If she hasn't told you,

then her representative, who's probably another bastard...

..possibly has told you that if my heir is not judged sane...

then the next in line will be named in another film.

THUNDER CRACKS

I, Cyrus Camby West, being of sound mind and body,

do hereby declare

as the sole heir to all my money, bonds, securities,

estates, real and otherwise,

my descendant, man or woman, who bears the surname of West.

Congratulations.

Oh, you lucky devil!

Congratulations.

Congratulations, my dear.

That's great.

-Congratulations, Annabelle.

-Thank you, Cicily.

My astrologer guaranteed that I'd get it. I'll kill the bitch.

Quiet, please. Quiet.

Thank you.

There's an excellent cognac, which, by now, should be even more excellent

having waited for you.

Well, no necklace.

There's one more thing. Just one.

The West necklace.

You didn't think I'd forgotten, did you?

But that's not for all of you to hear.

I'm sorry, dear family, it's not for all of you.

I would like to have a word with my heir or heirs alone.

Will the others please excuse us?

All of you.

You have 20 seconds.

No, everyone, please, except Miss West.

I'll be seeing you.

DOOR CLOSES

As for the necklace, you've heard of it, I'm sure.

Well, it's here for you.

Where?

Ho-ho. I wrote the answer to that question

on something which has been waiting to take a breath for 20 years.

HE CHUCKLES

At last!

THUNDER CRACKS

Thank you, Cyrus.

APPLAUSE

CHARLIE: Well done! What a girl!

HARRY: Congratulations, Annabelle, my dear.

CICILY: Congratulations. Do you need a companion?

Cicily, darling, we don't say things like that, even in jest.

I think it's wonderful. I know you'll use the money really well.

-Thank you, Susan. You are kind.

-Remember I was a good loser.

LAUGHTER

MISS CROSBY: Choose well in life. I had to choose between my marriage and my career and I chose my career.

-And did you regret it?

-Never.

Well, I think it's great. I'd have lost it all in a month, anyway.

LAUGHTER

Hi! Why so glum?

Me? Glum? I don't know why I should be glum. I've just had dinner with a man who's been dead 20 years.

I'm in the middle of nowhere without a telephone in a hurricane

and Mrs Pleasant thinks there are ghosts in the house and we're in danger.

What's more, there's insanity in the family

and there could be a paid-up lunatic sleeping in the next bed.

Why should I be glum?

-Don't worry, it'll all work out.

-Yeah?

-Sure - where there's a will, there's a way.

I wish I could get the hell out of here.

You must all stay the night, Harry.

In case we have occasion to hear the second part of the will.

THUNDER RUMBLES

GONG SOUNDS

Seems quite friendly compared to swinging from the chandeliers.

You're lucky I used to do this for a living.

Thank you very much.

And would you take those two?

Hmm - my favourite period -

early Devil's Island.

He really was a bastard. They should give the losers something.

Maybe we're not losers...

quite yet.

THUNDER RUMBLES

Ho! Temper, temper - that's no way to fly a plane, Colonel.

Listen...

..lay off that gigolo routine.

-What, am I getting too close to the bone?

-You always do, you damned killer.

Mrs Crosby was right - you should be inside.

I did not kill anybody. It was an accident.

Of course it was(!) The alcohol is for the patients, not the doctor.

Modest little dwelling.

-What's the commotion?

-It sounds like Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn are at it again.

I'll go down, you change.

-Thanks, Susan, you are kind.

-Not at all. What's a poor relation for?

What the hell?

Oh. Forgive me.

Please. Had I shot you, I would have felt terrible.

My name is Hendricks,

I am the chief psychologist at the Fairview sanatorium.

-What's that?

-An asylum for the criminally insane just up the road.

Well, that's convenient.

Mr Hendricks?

Mr Hendricks, please come in and take off your wet things.

Yes, thank you, I'd like to. I'd like a word with everybody, please.

I hope you will forgive my unconventional use of your window.

You saved his life.

He saved your neck, you mean.

Time, fellas, time.

Actually, I was afraid for the safety of all of you.

What do you mean by that, Mr Hendricks?

I'm sorry to report that one of our patients has escaped.

-I knew - I felt something.

-Is he dangerous?

Extremely, a complete maniac.

-Well, he'll feel right at home here.

-And homicidal. He's a real killer.

Have you seen anyone around since seven o'clock?

That's about the time we arrived.

That explains what I felt.

-What do you mean?

-Actually, we've all been a bit tensed up tonight.

-Do you really think he's here?

-I didn't say so.

I'm looking at all the houses in the area.

Have you some reason to imagine that he's... close to here?

Or in this house?

He always tries to get into a house whenever he escapes.

He's escaped before?

-Yes, I'm afraid so.

-What do you use, the honour system?

His method is to get into a house and hide until everyone's gone to bed.

What does he look like?

When he got out, he was wearing a long coat and a black slouch hat.

He's not a young man, very little hair,

sharp teeth and fingernails like...

..claws.

I think I took his daughter out once!

He believes that he's a cat.

-A cat?!

-Nobody believes he's a cat.

-Nobody in his right mind.

-Last name West, by any chance?

I do assure you all that he is not in his right mind

-and he indeed believes himself a cat.

-Is this some sort of joke?

Not at all - in fact he kills his victims by slowly ripping them apart.

-Good night, I'm leaving. It's been a stimulating evening.

-That would be most unwise.

I'm asking everyone in the area to lock themselves in until morning.

-What?!

-I don't think you've much choice

-How do you propose to apprehend this homicidal animal? Do you have an extra weapon.

-No.

Weapons can be as dangerous as maniacs.

-Anyway, I hope to get him alive.

-Why, as long as you get him?

Well, I've been studying him.

There's a seminar this spring and I was hoping to give a paper on his behaviour.

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

Everybody lie down.

Don't anybody move!

Cicily, for God's sake!

-Thank God it's you.

-You nearly got shot.

-Some cat.

This is Mr Hendricks who is bringing some important news to everyone living in the area.

-What is it?

-I'm not here to alarm you.

Certainly not! There's absolutely no cause for alarm.

It's just a homicidal maniac who thinks he's a cat got loose.

He's not dangerous, he just tears this friends apart, slowly.

But don't get upset. Ha! They strap him down in a rubber room

and a few times a year, he gets out. Nothing serious.

It's a collection of incompetents and this is the chief incompetent

who should be investigated by the State Board of Medical Inquiry

allowing a homicidal maniac to escape is criminal negligence.

A killer is on the loose and you're responsible.

There are many killers loose -

very often it is not clear precisely who is responsible.

Mr Hendricks, I'm sure you'd like to know who you are speaking to -

I am Allison Crosby, the West family lawyer. This is...

Harry Blythe.

How do you do?

How do you know so much about the State Board of Medical Inquiry?

I used to practise medicine.

Ah. In which branch of medicine?

Surgery.

Surgery? That's interesting.

Surgery.

Hmm. Very interesting.

My patient cuts with his hands,

or whatever he can find,

you cut with a scalpel.

The results are very different, to be sure,

but who is to say that the urge is not the same?

Your man has an uncontrollable aggressivity.

Unlike you when we met in the hall?

Why did you stop operating?

He went into somebody's brain and ripped them apart. Like your cat, only on the operating table.

-Shut up!

-This is Charlie Wilder,

of whom I'm sure you've heard.

-Ah, the famous hero.

-Glad to know you.

All right, Lily-white, tell him how many brains you got into with your bomb.

I lost an older brother in the War.

I believe we all owe Mr Wilder some measure of gratitude

-for what he accomplished on behalf of us all.

-Ha!

But wasn't it Bertrand Russell who asked, "What is a killer

"but a hero out of uniform?"

Do you want any help?

He thinks there's a reward.

Thank you, no.

There are several of us out and the weather's on our side.

What's on our side, Mr Hendricks?

My entire staff,

to whom I've issued orders to shoot on sight

Oh.

Although I hope it's not necessary.

-What else can you do with a wounded animal?

-You're Susan Sillsby, aren't you?

A classmate of mine almost broke your record in Kenya last summer.

He always admired your courage.

He wouldn't be very pleased with me tonight.

Anyway, I'm not a killer,

I'm a sportswoman.

That's not what the tigers say.

Oh, but my dear sir,

I must tell you I've never agreed with those who couldn't see the difference.

-This is Miss Cicily Young.

-How do you do?

Are you going to stay with us all night?

I wish I could.

But there's a lot of ground to cover, so to speak.

Er...Miss Young,

do forgive me, but a colleague of mine testified in a fascinating case

-in London involving...

-It was kill or be killed

What are you talking about? >

I don't mind, Susan.

I was the girl dancing at the Cosy Club in London

whom the manager doped and tried to attack in his office.

Having no course of action open to me to prevent him accomplishing his unspeakable intentions

and seeing his gun on the desk, I gave it to him,

right in the face.

Self preservation's the first rule, certainly.

Er...how many times?

Six.

Hmm.

As I recall, the condition of the body was...somewhat mutilated when they found it.

After the shots, I fainted. I never remembered anything after that.

Oh, understandable, certainly.

Yes, well now...

And what about Mr Paul Jones?

He's a songwriter from the United States.

How do you do?

Fine, thank you.

Well, very often we know a man by his creative efforts.

What's your latest work?

A love song.

It's called You Scratch My Back And I'll Scratch... Yours.

-Mm-hm.

-Look, before you start, let me tell you,

I er, I used to put red ants in with black ants and er...

Oh, yes - once I killed a skunk on the State Parkway,

but if your cat decides to show up, don't count on me, because it was all a long time ago

and I've hung my guns up for good.

Oh, but I can count on you, Mr Jones.

From what I hear on the radio, songwriters are the worst killers in society.

What about Mrs Allison Crosby?

THUNDER ROLLS

Mrs Crosby, you're a lawyer

and all lawyers are sharks.

And sharks are the worst killers

and the most bloodthirsty creatures in nature.

THUNDER ROLLS

I really shouldn't stay any longer.

Would you mind getting my coat for me, please?

< What do we do if the cat gets in?

He can have our room.

We'll hang onto him, don't worry. >

Just pray he doesn't hang on to you.

-Twice this year I've had to shoot him.

-What?

Once here,

and once here.

That seems a little excessive.

Regardless, the last time he was captured,

he succeeded in getting his hands on...

me.

It took three good men to get him off.

You will take my advice and avoid socialising with him at all costs.

Whatever you say.

There's a good chance that he's looking to get in out of the weather. If he hasn't already.

So I must ask each of you again not to go out before morning.

And be sure to lock all outside windows and doors.

If we get him, I'll let you know. Thank you.

So we're prisoners?

Well, I prefer to think that he is the prisoner, out there.

Would you please tell anyone else in the house about the situation.

Ladies and gentlemen, whatever the purpose of your gathering,

I hope this won't prove too much of a disturbing element.

I wish you all a good night.

Remember,

as Bismarck said, "A little caution outflanks a large cavalry."

Good night.

THUNDER CRASHES

Now, check all the doors and windows.

-Let's begin with the basement.

-You mean the basement with no lights on because of the storm?

-Right.

Please,

I think it would be wise

if nothing of this was mentioned to Miss West.

If she asks, just say we're looking round her beautiful house.

Do you agree?

-Mm.

-Of course.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Come in.

Just wanted to see if you're OK.

Sure, I'm fine.

-Everyone's looking round your beautiful house, I think I will too. I want to talk you you later.

-OK.

I just wanted to see if everything was all right.

Everything is fine.

Not nervous, are you?

-No!

-Good.

I think I'll look around your beautiful house.

I'll see you later.

Er, I wanna talk to you.

OK.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Just wanted to see if you're all right.

Thanks, Susan. What's happening?

Nothing, nothing.

You look a little upset.

I'm fine.

Well, there's so much to admire in your beautiful house, I'm going to have a look around.

Oh, just one thing,...

..we just heard there's a maniac loose in the area.

He thinks he's a cat. He may even be inside the house.

A cat!

Yes, a cat. K-A-T.

See you later.

KNOCK AT DOOR

-Hi.

-Oh!

Chilly here.

You know it's bad luck for an heiress to catch cold on her first night? Like brides.

I never heard of that.

Oh, sure - they take half your money away. It's a local law.

You're very sweet to be so concerned.

What kind of fortune hunter would I be if I didn't look into these things?

Paul, I don't catch colds easily

and I am not allergic to cats.

Susan...

I'll never tell.

It's nice to know who your relatives are. I'm sure she exaggerated.

-Actually, I wouldn't worry about one cat outside.

-No?

It's the wolves inside I'd be scared of.

Oh, Harry and Charlie?

They're harmless and I do think they're sincere.

No-one is more sincere than a greedy cousin -

that's Paul Jones's theory of relativity.

-Hm.

-Anyway, you don't wanna get involved with people like...

-Like you?

You don't have to worry about me - I admit I'm after your money.

Paul, please, be careful.

Do not fear - tonight, the mouse will outfox the cat.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Oh, Charlie.

Well, d'you find anything?

-What?

-She knows - Susan spilled it.

-The idiot. there's nothing to worry about.

-I know. Where have you been?

-Checking windows. Have you finished?

-No, I have to get started.

I'll see you all. If this is a play, I hope I don't have the role of first body discovered.

-I've just had an altercation. Have you got something for a cut lip?

-Yes.

Did I hear you once doubled for Buddy Rogers?

No, it was Ben Lion.

I bet everybody tells you that.

No - hardly ever.

I bet you didn't get this kind of service in France.

-I had better.

-Thanks a lot!

But you smell nicer than any medic.

You seem to know a lot about people who smell nicer than medics.

Annabelle, what happened?

I mean, what happened?

-Everyone keeps asking for you, I don't know what to say.

-Stop that.

I can't help it.

Yoy!

Be brave, my sentry.

Where would I hide if I were an escaped homicidal maniac

who thinks he's a cat?

Good fit.

I told you I loved you before you were rich.

I don't care about money in spite of what they say. Tell me.

-Why was I grounded?

-Charlie, be original.

You're right - I've said that too many times.

That's my trouble - I'm the world's original carbon copy.

Except nothing is original.

-Really?

-Except when I was with you.

-I...

-You're the one I was truly original with.

I really liked you, you know.

But I have to tell you, Charlie, you are moody sometimes

and I don't like sharing things with the girls I know.

You haven't heard my side of that.

Thank God. The one I heard was bad enough.

But that's over, Charlie.

Look, Charlie, this has been a wonderful night for me

in spite of strange people wandering about,

so please, please, try to get on with Harry.

Does he mean that much to you?

Everybody means something to me. Even you.

Don't joke with me, I'm serious.

Like it or not, Charlie Wilder doesn't give up.

You'll come back to me, I know it.

And if I don't?

And if you don't, well,

I can always say I once held a real, live heiress in the palm of my hand.

You are sweet.

Not even that's original. I saw it in The Scarlet Pimpernel.

Annabelle, I'm hopeless.

Save me, please.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Who is it?

Miss Annabelle, Mrs Crosby would like to see you in the library.

I've got to go.

THUNDER ROLLS

Well...

looks like it's gonna be you and me.

Stay out.

Oh, thank you for coming.

What are you looking for?

I was looking for an old family photograph album.

Oh?

Yes. Miss West, I take it you are aware

-that what passed between McCloud and his lawyer is privileged information?

-Of course!

Good. Well, I was close to Mr West

so naturally I gained facts about his fortune and his family.

But now I feel it my duty, in the light of recent events,

and particularly in view of the fact that, well, a life may possibly be in danger,...

-CAT MEOWS

-..I feel it my duty to suspend normal tact...

CLOCK STRIKES THE HOUR

Five, six,...

Six.

It only chimed six times, Mrs Crosby.

Does it mean that...

Mrs Crosby!

Mrs Crosby?

Um...

Mrs Crosby!

THUNDER CLAPS

WOMAN SCREAMS

Mrs Crosby! Mrs...

Mrs Pleasant, did you see Mrs Crosby leave?

-No, I didn't.

-What happened?

-Mrs Crosby's disappeared.

-Can you blame her?

-Are you sure you didn't pass her in the hall?

-Annabelle, was that you screaming?

-Yeah, you all right?

-What happened?

-Yeah, when did you miss her?

Just a minute ago. She was in the middle of a sentence.

-Where were you?

-Here.

She was standing right over there saying she had something important to tell me for my own safety.

-Did she say there was danger all around you?

-Yes. Yes, something like that.

-There were unknown people out to harm you?

-Yes.

-Sure?

Charlie, you remember, she said she wanted to see me.

Did you find her?

Well, of course! She was right over there.

And I was here and I saw a cat.

-A cat?

-Yes, I was holding the cat when the clock started to chime.

-Which clock?

-Well, I don't know.

The clock started chiming.

-I turned to talk to...

-To who?

-To Mrs Crosby, who do you think I was talking to?

You heard me, Mrs Pleasant, didn't you?

I only heard your voice, Miss Annabelle.

-And you didn't see her leave?

-She didn't leave.

Then where is she?

You won't find Allison Crosby.

I don't see any cat.

What are you all looking at?

Are you trying to tell me I've been hearing things?

Of course not.

I told you, I was holding the cat.

A clock started to chime, it only chimed six chimes.

-Which Mrs Pleasant said that somebody...

-It's been a very exciting evening,

perhaps you're a little over stimulated.

I'd hate to tell you some of the things I've thought I've seen.

Are you trying to tell me I've been seeing things?

No! Are you crazy? I'm sorry.

Annabelle, nobody's said anything of the sort.

Yes, they did.

Who said that Annabelle could be crazy?

Cyrus West.

Well, if it was my imagination,

where is Mrs Crosby?

I expect she's somewhere checking with Harry.

Where HAS Harry been?

I'm going to take Cicily and lock us in our room.

Good idea. I'll go and find Harry.

I'll look in on you later.

SHE SIGHS

Do you think I'm crazy?

-No. Do you?

-No.

If I were crazy, I'd be a much better designer.

THUNDER CRASHES

We'll find Mrs Crosby.

Just between us, I think she and Mrs Pleasant have something going on down in the basement.

You'll see, I'm right.

Hmm.

Hmm.

'As for the necklace, you've heard of it I'm sure.

'Well, it's here, it's here for you.

'Where? Oh-ho, I wrote the answer to that question

'on something that's been waiting to take a breath for 20 years.'

Waiting to breathe.

Oh!

Ice.

Ice.

THUNDER RUMBLES

Who is it?

It's me. Harry.

Oh. Come in!

Just wanted to see if you were OK.

Oh, I'm fine, thanks, Harry.

Well, I'm still in one piece anyway.

Where have you been?

Around. Checking out the house.

Have you seen Mrs Crosby?

No, but Charlie told me she was missing,

-that she disappeared right in front of your eyes.

-Nothing that spectacular.

But she did disappear, she did do that.

Annabelle, you've been through a lot tonight.

First the money and now I hear Susan told you everything.

Not everything, just enough for a small breakdown.

Please believe me, you have nothing to fear while Harry is here.

I know that everyone will think it's because you're the first heir,

but we meant a lot to each other.

At least, you meant a lot to me.

I'd like to make us more permanent.

Harry, I do feel something for you.

Only something?

Well, you know how much I like you.

You know how much I like you.

Please, let me protect you.

I'd kill for you, you know that.

That temper of yours is one of the reasons I stopped seeing you.

Oh, Annabelle.

Well, perhaps it'll come in handy tonight.

Do you know where Mrs Crosby is?

Stop talking about Mrs Crosby for a minute - I'm being serious.

It's not the moment, Harry.

I do appreciate what you're saying,

but let's talk about it later.

I need to relax for a while.

All right. But you haven't heard the last of me.

Oh, Annabelle, you're driving me crazy.

Oh, Harry... It runs in the family.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Oh, am I interrupting something?

Oh! No, no, um...

Harry was, er...

just leaving.

I didn't know you made house calls, Doctor.

I'll see you later.

Yes.

DOOR CLOSES

I just met Paul. He said I shouldn't have told you about Hendricks.

I'm sorry if I upset you earlier.

Oh, that's all right, Susan.

In these circumstances, everyone in the camp

should know what's waiting in the darkness for them, however gruesome it is.

Susan, this is Glencliff Manor, not Tanganyika.

You're wrong. It's a jungle.

And there's a wild animal around who kills for the pleasure of it.

He's got sharp teeth and long nails.

And he hides in houses and waits till everyone's asleep and then he takes his victim

and very, very slowly tears the flesh off them.

Susan, please!

In case he gets in...

and in case he gets you...

take this.

And if a bullet won't stop him,

shoot yourself.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Come in.

Mrs Pleasant.

I'm afraid.

I think that I'm in some sort of danger.

If you're afraid, you ARE in danger.

Mr West always said fear is what you have to be afraid of.

He told me that he'd seen fear make people lose their minds.

Ha!

Permanently, in just a few hours.

Mr West said a canary in a cage almost dies of fright

when the cat walks round the cage.

It dies a thousand deaths -

although it's quite safe. Hm!

That's a comfort.

Unfortunately...this is a house...

not a cage.

SHE CHUCKLES

Oh!

Well, no Allison Crosby. I think she got disbarred and left.

What have you been doing?

Getting a lot of advice. And trying to figure out what "ice" means.

-Ice?

-Mm. Ice.

Here. Look.

Ice.

Ice.

Didn't Crosby say something about the fact that the biggest problem

-was preserving the film?

-Mm-hm.

How do you go about preserving something?

BOTH: Ice!

THUNDERCLAP

Oh, my God, what's that?

I don't know, but...

You look there and I'll try here.

Oh!

-Have you found anything?

-No, not yet.

I think I've found something.

Look down there.

Can you see anything?

There's something.

Oh!

Wow.

I'll be around, so if anything happens, you just scream.

And I'll run and get Cicily.

Better than nothing.

Ha-ha!

Ha! Ha! Ha!

Attack! Attack!

Lift!

Ha!

Attack! Attack!

It's a fine weapon. Fine weapon, Mrs Pleasant.

DOOR CREAKS

CREAKING CONTINUES

THUNDERCLAP

THUNDER CONTINUES

SHE SCREAMS

SHE SCREAMS AGAIN

Help! Someone help!

Please, help!

Help!

Please, help!

COMMOTION

A creature in my room stole my necklace! I thought he was trying to kill me!

-What does he look like?

-Where did he go?

Calm down, everyone!

Annabelle and I found the West necklace.

-How do we know you didn't take it?

-It didn't fit. >

-How do we know YOU didn't take it?

-I put it on in bed.

Where did he come from?

Well...Right here, I think.

Oh, really, Annabelle, you can't be serious!

Anything could happen in a house like this.

-He came out of the wall?

-Yes!

-But you said you were sleeping?

-I was!

-He must have been here! I bolted the door!

-Maybe he was in already.

Or wasn't in at all.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, really! Annabelle's been strange the whole night.

Why don't you just say that I've got the running West insanity?

Relax, Susan.

Anybody can get a little hysterical.

I am not hysterical!

The creature was here!

How did he get in?

That's not hard to figure out.

I thought they invented secret passages in this country.

What's so strange about the cat sneaking in and accidentally finding one?

One that led to this room.

Is there a passage that leads here?

Er, er, er, I don't...know.

There's gotta be some explanation for all this.

MECHANISM WHIRS AND GRATES

Do you suppose it's really Mrs Crosby?

Jesus!

It could have been you!

Now do you think she was seeing things?

Where does that lead to?

I don't know.

That maniac may still be in the house.

My God! Suppose he's still here!

I hope our friend Hendricks comes back soon.

Nobody is to go down there. >

Why don't you two charmers lock this room up and put Annabelle someplace safe?

I'm going to look around again.

I didn't think it would turn into this kind of evening.

Let's get the body downstairs.

I told you what that maniac does.

Yes, Cousin Susan.

You described it most perfectly.

Almost too perfectly.

THUNDERCLAP

FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING

Oh!

I must be hurt worse than I thought.

Oh!

Where have you been?

Not very far.

What have you been doing?

Thinking.

Being alone in this place gives me the double creeps.

Stretch out. I'll relax you.

Mm.

Hi.

-Victim number two.

-Oh, you're hurt!

-I'm all right. I think the left side of my head's missing.

-Who did it?

I found him in the basement.

-You'd have been proud. I didn't bounce.

-What happened?

DOOR OPENS

DOOR CLOSES

THUNDER AND LIGHTNING

Then I saw Mrs Pleasant looking down at me.

This story makes a lot of sense, doesn't it?

It does to me. But try telling it to the others. They'll think you're insane too.

They may have a point.

Some maniac is trying to kill us.

Look what just happened to you.

Maybe he's not trying to kill us. Maybe he's a little overstimulated, as Susan would say.

Very funny, Paul.

I am scared. Really scared.

Old Cyrus's game was to give everyone here a licence to kill.

What better way than to let everyone think he has a chance of the jackpot?

He mentioned everybody - Mrs Crosby, Mrs Pleasant...

And Mew-mew.

Yeah.

Who the hell was Mew-mew?

THUNDERCLAP

SHE SCREAMS

SHE SCREAMS

SHE SCREAMS AGAIN

Want to hear my new song? I wrote it while I was unconscious.

It's called Kiss My Heiress.

Want to hear my first hit?

Want to hear my last hit?

It's the same hit.

Come on.

I want you to lock me out.

I'll get the second film from Mrs Crosby's body and find out the name of the second heir.

-I've got an idea.

-What?

-I want to have a talk with whoever it is.

Don't let anyone in. Not even old Cyrus West himself.

Paul.

What kind of cousins are we?

Kissing cousins.

Isn't that illegal?

Only if it feels good.

BOTH: It's illegal.

I could do this for the rest of our lives.

Which may not be very long.

-No. Fifty years. I'm personally going to photograph your will.

-Please be careful.

-Remember what happened last time.

-I was younger then, without responsibilities.

It's different now.

THUNDERCLAP

DOOR CREAKS

(The passage.)

(Paul! Paul!)

THUNDERCLAP

(I've found it!)

(I've found the secret passage.)

(Paul!)

(Paul!)

Paul!

THUNDERCLAP

SHE SCREAMS

SHE PANTS AND WHIMPERS

Please!

SHE TRIES TO SCREAM

SHE SCREAMS

SHE SCREAMS

Help!

Charlie!

Yes, of course.

You see,

it turns out I'm quite original after all.

I'm quite original,

especially with people who cheat me.

How?

How did I cheat you?

You got my inheritance.

-Yours?

-Of course.

You cheated me. The money was mine.

I was the old man's favourite.

First it was his damned cat that was the favourite.

But I took care of the cat.

Then I was the favourite.

You didn't know I used to play around this house when I was a kid, did you?

The old man showed me the secret passages.

He showed ME because I was the favourite.

That's why I phonied up my war record - to keep him proud of me.

This was Cyrus's private entertaining room.

No-one knows about it except me...

Cyrus...

and Mrs Pleasant.

Please...

That money is mine.

I should have been the heir and I would have been if it hadn't been for your damned name.

You're next in line!

That's right. It says so in this.

Mrs Crosby figured it out.

Susan tried to figure it out.

Susan...!

What have you done with her?

Exactly what I'm going to do to you.

Oh, thank God you've come!

He's a maniac! He's trying to kill... Oh!

Well done.

Thank you.

But everything was well done.

The clock chimed on cue.

I saved you from Cousin Harry in the nick of time.

I thought you'd never arrive.

Now let's take a little time with her.

No need to rush it as you did with the others.

Hey.

Where's your lucky medal?

Must have dropped it upstairs. I'll go and get it.

Don't start without me.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Hi, Charlie.

I figured it out.

I wanted to be here.

The star of the evening.

Scream, please. Do scream.

If you feel like it. You can't be heard now.

Please. I'll give you the money.

I'll have the money anyway.

In a little while...

Charlie will have everything.

Why are you doing this?

Charlie's insane!

Charlie and I were in the Army together.

He asked me to help him inherit some money.

In return for which, I would have certain rewards.

Some material...

and some...

non-material.

FURNITURE BANGS AND CRASHES

Hope you're not busy for the next few hours.

There's a clock on the table over there.

Soon you'll be able to see how slowly time passes...

when you're having fun.

Mrs Pleasant!

Annabelle is in danger.

Please don't.

Please don't.

Please.

Are you all right?

Just barely.

Is the...is the cat out for the night?

I think the cat's out for good.

You know, if this were a song, I'd say something about it's gonna be a real nice day.

And I'd definitely agree.

-Annabelle.

-Oh, Cicily. Are you leaving so soon?

Yes, Harry's giving me a lift.

Cicily, I'm terribly sorry about Susan.

Me too.

What are you going to do?

Well, I'm going to go to Kenya for the winter and then we'll see.

Just let me know as soon as you get back. OK?

Thank you.

Ah! Good morning, leeches.

BOTH: Good morning.

And now you know what leeches you really are.

So the heir named West cracked up.

Turned out to be the one to whom I bequeathed our strain of insanity.

Bad luck.

Or perhaps they didn't make it through the night.

Even worse luck.

Well, you remaining bunch of bastards, I'll tell you which of you is next in line.

The suspense must be killing you.

It's that curly-haired little rascal

Charlie Wilder.

He was so nice when the cat died.

So you, Charlie Wilder,

or, if you're dead by now,

the institution that will get the money,

you're going to learn what life is all about, what it's really all about.

It took me a lifetime to learn it.

Greed.

Greed and power.

That's what it's all about.

Forget everything else. Forget what they try to talk you into.

Money.

Learn to get it.

And now that you've got it,

learn to hang onto it.

That's all.

Our visit is concluded.

For the time being.

As I said last night,

I'll look for you all later.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd, 2007

E-mail [email protected]