The Ladykillers


The Ladykillers

Remake of the Ealing comedy. A crooked college professor (Tom Hanks) uses his landlady's basement for 'music rehearsals', but when she gets suspicious his gang try to silence her.


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Transcript


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This film contains very strong language.

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# The earth

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# Is in a blaze

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# The world

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# Is in a maze

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# The way

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# Of life today

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# Is strange and odd

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# What happened

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# Across the sea

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# May come

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# To you and me

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# Oh, come

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# Let us go back

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# To God

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-# Go back to God

-Oh, come on

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# Let's go back to God

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-# Let us go back

-Let's go back to God

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-# Come on

-Let us go back to God

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-# Let us go

-Let's go back to God

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-# I know the way

-Let's go back to God

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-# Without my Lord

-Let's go back to God

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-# Is mighty hard

-Let's go back to God

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-# Oh, yeah

-Let's go back to God

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-# I know death has

-Let's go back to God

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-# Brought to pass

-Let's go back to God

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-# Yeah, death has marked

-Let's go back to God

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-# The path we trod

-Let's go back to God

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-# Come on, yeah

-Let's go back to God

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-# Let us go back

-Let's go back to God

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-# Go back to God

-Let's go back to God. #

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LOUD SNORING

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RADAR BEEPS

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-DOOR SLAMS

-Ah!

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Oh, afternoon, Mrs Munson.

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Afternoon, Sheriff.

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You know the Funthes boy?

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Er, Mackatee Funthes?

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No, no, not him. Weemack.

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Mackatee's eldest.

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Yeah, I believe I do.

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-Well, he's a good boy...

-Mmn-hmn.

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..but he done gone to the Costco in Pascagoula

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-and got hisself a blaster.

-What?

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-And he been playing that music!

-Well, if you want...

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-Loud!

-Well, I could go talk to him.

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-"Left My Wallet In El Segundo!"

-He left his...?

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Hippity-hop music!

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They calls it hippity-hop music,

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but it don't make me want to go hippity-hop!

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Mmn-mmn! Mmn!

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And Othar don't like that music, neither.

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It's been disturbing Othar, has it?

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Well, how could it help but do?

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-"Left My Wallet in El Segundo."

-He left his...

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And do you know what they call coloured folks in them songs?!

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Have you got any idea?

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-No, ma'am, I...

-Niggers!

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-Ooh!

-I don't even want to say the word.

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Now, I won't say it twice, I can tell you that.

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-I'll say it one time...

-Yes, ma'am.

-..in the course of my complaint.

-Yes.

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-Niggers!

-Mmn-hmn!

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2,000 years after Jesus!

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30 years after Martin Luther King!

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-The age of Montel!

-Mmn!

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-Sweet Lord of mercy, is that where we at?

-Mmn.

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Weemack down to Pascagoula

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and gettin' hisself a big ol' thumpety stereo

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so he can listen to that trash!

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-You got to help that boy.

-You want me to help him?

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Extend that helping hand. Show an interest.

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-Well, we're here to help.

-Well, God bless you for that.

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You don't want to be tried and found wantin'.

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-No, ma'am!

-Many done tunkalow parzen, Sheriff.

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Many, many done tunkalow parzen.

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Many what, ma'am?

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You been tried and found wantin'!

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-You don't want that writing on the wall.

-No, ma'am.

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-Feast of Balthazar.

-Yeah, that sounds good!

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The Apostle John said,

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"Behold, there's a stranger in our midst come to destroy us."

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BOTH: Yes, ma'am!

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# Come

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# Let us go back

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# To God

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-# Go back to God

-Oh, come on

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# Let's go back to God

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-# Let us go back

-Let's go back to God

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-# Come on

-Let's go back to God

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-# Let's go back

-Let's go back to God

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-# Come on, yeah

-Let's go back to God

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-# Let us go back

-Let's go back to God

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-# Go back to God

-Come let's go back... #

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Aww! You need something to eat, angel.

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Othar, I went and complained about Weemack today.

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Don't know if it'll do any good!

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That boy hanging by a thread. Over the pit.

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Fiery pit!

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"Left My Wallet In El Segundo."

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Oooh!

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67 years of life,

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46 years of marriage -

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you mean to tell me you never once suffered from piles?

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Well, it's the human condition!

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Most humans, anyhow.

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Like that ballplayer said,

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the world's got two kind of folks -

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them that's got the piles and them that's gonna get 'em.

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But you always was healthy as a ox.

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Passed on 'fore you could get the piles. Mm-hmm!

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Ooh, thank the Lord you never was sick.

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Just went and passed away, nice and peaceful.

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Go to sleep one night, wake up in the glory land!

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Whoo!

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CAT GROWLS SOFTLY

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SHARP RAP AT DOOR

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-CAT MEOWS

-Pickles!

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Go fetch Pickles!

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Pickles?

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Aw! He's up that tree again!

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-You better shimmy on up.

-Well, I do apologise, madam,

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but won't the feline eventually tire of his lonely perch,

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and, pining for affection, return on his own initiative?

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The point being...

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must we actually ascend the tree?

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Look, I don't want no double talk.

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If you not gonna fetch him, I guess I gotta call the police.

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-Police?

-And they not gonna be happy!

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Every time they have to fetch him,

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they swear they'll never do it no more.

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No need to call the authorities, madam.

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I did this often as a child.

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I was a positive lemur.

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Here, kitty.

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-Don't upset him, now!

-I wouldn't think of it, madam.

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Harmless little Felix domesticus.

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HE GRUNTS

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Here, kitty! Come to GH.

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Come, come. CAT GROWLS SOFTLY

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Here, kitty. Here, kitty. Come, come.

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-No, no!

-That's not how Sheriff Wyner do it.

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Here, here. Come, come. CAT HISSES

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Come to the professor.

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Oof!

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I... Thank you, madam, for your act of kindness.

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Well, you let him out.

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I certainly did, and for that, I apologise no end.

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Allow me to present myself, er, formally.

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Goldthwait Higginson Dorr PhD.

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Like Elmer?

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I beg your pardon, ma'am?

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Fudd.

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No, no. PhD is a mark of academic attainment,

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bestowed, in my case, in recognition of my mastery

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of the antique languages of Latin and Greek.

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I hold a number of advanced degrees, including the Baccalaureate

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from a school in Paris, France, called the Sorbonne.

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Sore bone. Hmn.

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Well, that fits!

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You ever study at Bob Jones University?

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-I have not had that privilege.

-Oh, that's a Bible school!

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-Only the finest in the country!

-Ooh!

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-I send 'em 5 every month.

-That's very generous.

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-I'm on the mailing list!

-Indeed.

-I'm a angel!

-Are you? Yes.

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-They list my name in the newsletter!

-Do they?

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I got the literature over here, if you'd like to examine it.

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Perhaps when my head has recovered from its...buffeting.

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Mrs Munson, are you at all curious

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as to why I darkened your door, as the expression would have it,

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on this lovely, lovely camellia-scented morn?

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I was wonderin', till you let Pickles out.

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-I understand.

-Then in all the excitement, I...

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The fact is, I saw the sign in your window

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advertising a room to let.

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And there are no other such signs among the houses

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on this charming, charming street.

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Yeah, I got a room. 15 a week.

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I'm looking for a quiet tenant.

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Madam, you are addressing a man who is quiet...

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and yet...not quiet,

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if I may offer a riddle.

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I am currently on sabbatical from the institution where I teach,

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the University of Mississippi at Hattiesburg.

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I am taking a year off to indulge my passion,

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and that is not too strong a word,

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-for the music of the Renaissance.

-Mmn-hmn.

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I perform in, and have the honour of directing,

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a period-instrument ensemble that performs at Renaissance fairs

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and other cultural fora throughout central southern Mississippi.

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We perform on the instruments

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for which the music was written and composed.

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Now, wait a minute. You got some kind of band?

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The word "band" would be, in this context,

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something of a misnomer.

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Though we do play together, hence the word "ensemble",

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the nature of the music is such

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that one would hesitate to apply the epithet "band",

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with connotations of jangling...

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So, y'all don't play hippity-hop? "I Left My Wallet In El Segundo!"

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Songs with the titles spelled all funny?

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No, no, no! We play music...

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that has been composed to the greater glory of God.

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Devotional music.

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Church music.

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-Gospel music?

-Well, inspired by the Gospel, certainly.

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The vintage, of course, is no more recent than the Rococo.

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Rococo, huh?

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Well, I guess that'd be OK.

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But I don't propose to inflict our rehearsals on you.

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May I enquire,

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do you have a root cellar?

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Ah.

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Yes.

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Yes, yes.

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-This looks promising.

-A little dank, ain't it?

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Indeed. That only improves the acoustics.

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PERFORMS STRANGE VOCAL EXERCISE

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Marvellous.

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Yes. HE GASPS

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These earthen walls are ideal

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for baffling the higher registers of the, er, lute or sackbut.

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HE YELPS

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That is why so much music of the cinquecento

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was played in crypts and catacombs.

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This is ideal. This is perfect.

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This is more than perfect. I can scarcely contain my glee.

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Oh, you containin' it OK.

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GOSPEL-INFUSED HIP-HOP PLAYS

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You gotta peel this shit out. Sometimes it sticks to the bottom.

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Man, she smells.

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Even out here on the casino floor you find goddamn mercy pads!

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I don't know what the fuck people be doing while they're gamblin'.

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Mack, I ain't peeling no funky shit with my human hands.

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That's nothin' but a prescription for diseases and viruses and shit!

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Shit, you gotta do it. Mr Gudge checks everything.

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This tunnel leads back to the land for the people that work for Mannex.

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Mannex - they own the Bandit Queen, three other boats.

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This is where they take all their corporate shit, Gudge and them.

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The light's ugly as hell, but, shit, ain't as many Tucks.

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-Let me in, motherfucker!

-<

-What's the password?

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Kiss my ass!

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LARGE MAN LAUGHS HEARTILY

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They count the dough here.

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You try to take any, Elron'll shoot yo ass.

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Goddamn!

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Dawg, this is a motherfuckin' pigsty!

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You are a squeaky-ass motherfuckin' pig!

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You got Cocoa Krispies on your uniform,

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you got breakfast there, and you still eating goddamn lunch.

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If ass was nickels, you'd be a motherfuckin' millionaire.

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Spread out. Look at you! You a disgrace before God.

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You is a fat motherfucker, I swear...

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Hey, Mr Gudge, er, how're you doin'?

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-I'm doing fine.

-All right.

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So, how's the new man?

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Oh, he's a cleanin' motherfucker.

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Is that a fact?

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What's up, my nigga?

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TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYS

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Cut!

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Cut! Cut. Cut.

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Goddamn it, his canteen fell off. Props!

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The goddamn thing's canteen fell off.

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OK. We're prepared for that.

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Mountain, put Otto into the apparatus.

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-What the hell is this?

-World War I vintage gas mask.

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It's authentic. Strapped on, so it can't fall off.

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The animal is free to be as active as he wants.

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It doesn't inhibit his movement and it really sells the doughboy thing.

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-It looks like a fucking joke.

-You're absolutely right.

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-The gas mask is a whimsical concept.

-How does it eat the Nibbles?

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Well, you're absolutely right.

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-Don't let the client see this. Or that Humane fucker.

-Course not.

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They'll shut the fucking spot down!

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Put the canteen back on! That says he's a soldier.

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Dented tin canteen. Strap it to his fucking collar!

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Easiest thing in the world. I just thought...

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-What?!

-You're right.

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Canteen's much better. Let's go with that.

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DOG GASPS FOR AIR

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What's he doing?

0:15:130:15:15

Well, he's, er... Just breathe normally, Otto.

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-The fucking dog can't breathe!

-He can breathe!

0:15:180:15:20

Er, that thing is... Just breathe normally, Otto.

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The fucking dog can't breathe! The fucking dog cannot breathe!

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Get the fucking thing off him.

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Of course. Easiest thing in the world.

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Mountain, give me your Leatherman.

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Chitra! Keep that Humane fucker from coming over here.

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-He'll shit if he sees us.

-There we go.

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Mountain, run me a stinger. Don't give up, Otto!

0:15:380:15:41

-Mountain, I need two live leads!

-But the gennie's 100 yards away.

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Otto will have brain damage in 30 seconds!

0:15:450:15:47

Here we go. OK. Kiss of life.

0:15:470:15:50

Otto is fucking dead! What the fuck are you doing?

0:15:500:15:52

Otto is fucking dead!

0:15:520:15:54

Set! 320!

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320! Hut!

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Ooof!

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90, tiger, x-slant, on one. Ready? Break!

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Hut!

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Split left. 68. Z-go. You the man.

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Hey, butthead!

0:16:330:16:35

You the man!

0:16:350:16:37

-Me the man?

-On one. Ready? Break!

0:16:370:16:40

390!

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390! Hut!

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CROWD ROARS

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Oof!

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WHISTLE BLOWS

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Hudson! Get your ass off the field!

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Get your ass off the field!

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Goddamn it! Hudson, get your ass off...

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You couldn't catch a cold!

0:17:150:17:17

-# Just another day, another dollar

-Just another day

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-# Just another day, another dollar

-Just another day

0:17:190:17:21

-# Just another day, another dollar

-Just another day... #

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DOOR BEEPS

0:17:330:17:36

Hi, Dragon Lady. We want that fuckin' money.

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We want that doughnut money.

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SHE SPEAKS CHINESE RAPIDLY

0:17:400:17:43

SHE YELPS

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-OK, papa san!

-Whoa, whoa!

0:17:460:17:47

-We want that doughnut money.

-We ain't fuckin' around, Mr Hi-ho!

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It ain't complicated.

0:17:510:17:52

You give us the fucking money, don't get shot in the head.

0:17:520:17:55

Aye? You got three seconds.

0:17:550:17:57

You got three fuckin' seconds, aye?

0:17:590:18:01

-One, two, three. Understand?

-We want that doughnut money!

0:18:010:18:04

Uno and two...

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Uhhh!

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His fingers are way the fuck up my nose!

0:18:130:18:17

Get your fingers out of my man's nose!

0:18:170:18:20

SHE SPEAKS CHINESE

0:18:200:18:21

Coffee?

0:18:210:18:24

HE HOWLS

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-# Shine on

-Let it

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-# Shine on

-Come on now, let your

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-# Light from the lighthouse

-Let it shine on me

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-# Let it

-Shine on

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-# Come on now, let it

-Shine on

0:18:470:18:49

# You've got to let your

0:18:490:18:51

-# Light from the lighthouse

-Let it shine on me

0:18:510:18:54

-# Let it shine

-Shine on

0:18:540:18:57

-# Let it shine on me

-Shine on

0:18:570:18:59

-# Let it shine on

-Shine on

0:18:590:19:01

-# You got to let it shine on me

-Shine on

0:19:010:19:03

-# When you're walking in darkness

-Shine on

0:19:030:19:05

-# You got to let it shine

-Shine on

0:19:050:19:08

-# If you want to see the light

-Aaah

0:19:080:19:10

-# You've got to let it shine

-Shine

0:19:100:19:12

-# You've got to let it shine

-Shine

0:19:120:19:14

-# You've got to let it shine

-Shine

0:19:140:19:16

-# Come on, shine

-Shine

0:19:160:19:19

-# Come on, shine

-Shine

0:19:190:19:21

-# Come on, shine

-Shine

0:19:210:19:23

# You've got to come on let it shine

0:19:230:19:25

# Whoo

0:19:250:19:26

# Let it shine

0:19:290:19:31

# Let it shine

0:19:320:19:33

-# Let it shine

-Shine on

0:19:410:19:43

-# Let it shine

-Shine on

0:19:430:19:45

-# Let it shine

-Shine on

0:19:450:19:47

-# Let your light

-From the lighthouse

0:19:470:19:50

# Shine

0:19:500:19:52

# On

0:19:520:19:54

-# Me

-Let it shine on me

0:19:540:19:57

# Yeeeaaaah! #

0:19:570:19:59

I know you all remember...

0:20:150:20:17

that when Moses came down the mountain... ALL: Oh, yeah!

0:20:170:20:20

..carrying the Word of God... ALL: Word o' God!

0:20:200:20:22

..come down that Sinai peak... ALL: Yeah!

0:20:220:20:24

..he caught them Israelites red-handed.

0:20:240:20:27

What did he catch them doing? ALL MURMUR

0:20:270:20:29

He caught them worshippin'... ALL: Ah!

0:20:290:20:31

..a golden calf. ALL: Oh!

0:20:310:20:33

He caught 'em worshippin'... ALL: Worshippin'!

0:20:330:20:35

..a false god.

0:20:350:20:37

He caught them Israelites...

0:20:370:20:39

in decline. ALL: In decline!

0:20:390:20:42

What did Moses do when he saw those...

0:20:420:20:45

declinin', backslidin', never-mindin' sinners?

0:20:450:20:47

ALL: What he do?

0:20:470:20:49

Moses smote those sinners in his wrath! Yes, he did! ALL: He did!

0:20:490:20:53

Y'all know what "smote" is? ALL MURMUR

0:20:530:20:56

I smite, you smite, he smites, we done smote!

0:20:560:20:58

LAUGHTER

0:20:580:21:00

To smite is to go upside the head!

0:21:000:21:03

Because sometimes, brothers and sisters, that's the only way!

0:21:030:21:07

The only way.

0:21:070:21:10

To smite is to remind,

0:21:100:21:12

we got to stop that decline

0:21:120:21:14

and scramble back up to the face of the Almighty God!

0:21:140:21:18

Amen!

0:21:180:21:19

Instead of worshippin' that golden calf,

0:21:190:21:22

that earthly trash on that garbage island,

0:21:220:21:25

that garbage island in the shadowland,

0:21:250:21:27

wa-a-a-y...

0:21:270:21:32

way outside the Kingdom of God!

0:21:320:21:34

That garbage island where scavenger birds feast

0:21:340:21:38

on the bones of the backslidin' damned!

0:21:380:21:41

WHOOPING

0:21:410:21:43

And so...

0:21:430:21:45

let us pray.

0:21:450:21:47

HUMMING

0:21:490:21:51

SHARP RAP AT DOOR

0:21:530:21:56

My dear lady, I do hope this is not an inopportune time for our first practice.

0:21:570:22:01

-Somebody die?

-I beg your pardon?

0:22:010:22:04

Oh! HE CHUCKLES

0:22:040:22:06

No, no! I'm not bereaved.

0:22:060:22:09

Though, it is so kind of you to enquire.

0:22:090:22:11

The hearse is simply a vehicle commodious enough

0:22:110:22:14

to accommodate our entire ensemble.

0:22:140:22:16

And, of course, our instruments,

0:22:160:22:18

contrived in an age ignorant of miniaturisation.

0:22:180:22:22

Allow me to introduce my friends, colleagues, devoted musicians...

0:22:220:22:26

Ain't no smokin' in this house.

0:22:260:22:29

Oh. Sorry.

0:22:290:22:31

INSTRUMENTS ARE TUNED

0:22:310:22:34

What do you think, General? Present any problems?

0:22:490:22:53

TRUMPET BLOWS

0:22:530:22:55

Good, then.

0:22:570:22:59

Gentlemen, why don't we crowd around

0:22:590:23:01

and go over the plan?

0:23:010:23:03

GENTLE CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS Gentlemen, this is the Bandit Queen.

0:23:070:23:11

Gambling den, cash cow,

0:23:110:23:13

Sodom of the Mississippi Delta, and the focus of our little exercise.

0:23:130:23:17

Here is Orchard Street.

0:23:170:23:19

Here is the residence of Marva Munson,

0:23:190:23:21

the charming lady whom you just met moments ago.

0:23:210:23:23

I'm sure you're aware that the Solons of the state of Mississippi,

0:23:230:23:27

to wit, its legislature,

0:23:270:23:29

forbid any gaming establishment within its borders upon dry land.

0:23:290:23:33

They may, however, legally float.

0:23:330:23:36

While the gambling activity is restricted to riverboats,

0:23:360:23:39

no such restrictions apply to functions ancillary to this cash-besotted business.

0:23:390:23:43

The casino's offices, locker rooms, facilities to cook and clean

0:23:430:23:47

and, most importantly, its counting houses,

0:23:470:23:49

the reinforced, secret, super secure repositories of the lucre,

0:23:490:23:55

may all be situated...

0:23:550:23:57

wherever.

0:23:570:23:58

Gawain...where is "wherever"?

0:23:580:24:02

Say what?

0:24:020:24:04

-Where's the money?

-Oh!

0:24:040:24:07

OK, look. At the end of every shift,

0:24:070:24:10

the pit boss brings the cash down to the hold of the ship in a cash box.

0:24:100:24:14

Once a day, all the cash is moved to the counting room.

0:24:140:24:18

And where is the counting room?

0:24:190:24:22

Well, right there in that square where you pointin'.

0:24:220:24:26

And what, to flog a horse that, if not dead,

0:24:260:24:30

is at this point in mortal danger of expiring,

0:24:300:24:33

does this little square represent?

0:24:330:24:35

Offices! Underground.

0:24:360:24:39

Ha!

0:24:390:24:40

Underground!

0:24:400:24:41

Mmn...

0:24:410:24:43

Under...ground.

0:24:430:24:45

During the casino's hours of operation,

0:24:450:24:48

the door to this counting room is fiercely guarded.

0:24:480:24:50

The door itself is redoubtable Pittsburgh steel.

0:24:500:24:53

When the casino closes, this entire complex is locked up

0:24:530:24:56

and the armed guard retreats to the casino's main entrance.

0:24:560:25:00

There, far from the guard, reposes the money,

0:25:000:25:05

behind a five-inch-thick steel portal.

0:25:050:25:08

Yes.

0:25:080:25:09

But the walls...

0:25:090:25:12

the walls are but humble masonry,

0:25:120:25:16

behind which is only the soft, loamy soil

0:25:160:25:19

deposited over centuries by the Old Man,

0:25:190:25:22

the meandering Mississippi,

0:25:220:25:24

as it fanned its way back and forth across the great alluvial plain,

0:25:240:25:29

leaving earth...

0:25:290:25:31

..this earth.

0:25:320:25:34

The General, whose curriculum vitae comprehends tunnelling experience

0:25:350:25:41

through the soil of his native French Indochina,

0:25:410:25:43

shall be directing our little tunnelling operation.

0:25:430:25:46

Garth Pancake, though a master of none,

0:25:460:25:49

is a jack of all those trades corollary to our aim.

0:25:490:25:52

He will be doing such fabricating and demolition work

0:25:520:25:55

-as our little caper shall require.

-Happy to be on board.

0:25:550:25:58

Gawain is our proverbial "inside man".

0:25:580:26:02

He has secured himself a berth

0:26:020:26:04

on the custodial staff of the Bandit Queen.

0:26:040:26:06

Damn skippy!

0:26:060:26:08

And this brings us to Lump.

0:26:080:26:11

To look at Lump, you might wonder

0:26:110:26:13

what specialised expertise could he possibly offer

0:26:130:26:16

our merry little old band of miscreants?

0:26:160:26:19

Well, gentlemen, in a project of such risks,

0:26:190:26:22

it is imperative to enlist the services of a hooligan,

0:26:220:26:26

a goon, an ape, a physical brute.

0:26:260:26:28

Someone who will be our security,

0:26:280:26:30

our battering ram, our blunt instrument.

0:26:300:26:34

And on our behalf, I wish him a warm Mississippi welcome.

0:26:340:26:37

-Fuckin' A.

-Whassup, my nigga?

0:26:370:26:39

Well, gentlemen, here you are,

0:26:390:26:41

men of different backgrounds and different talents,

0:26:410:26:45

with but two things in common.

0:26:450:26:46

One, you answered my advertisement in the Memphis Scimitar.

0:26:460:26:50

Two, you're all going to be, in consequence,

0:26:500:26:52

very, very, incredibly rich.

0:26:520:26:54

Let us revel in our adventure, gentlemen.

0:26:540:26:57

Let us make beautiful... HE CHUCKLES

0:26:570:26:59

..music together!

0:26:590:27:01

And, by all means, let us keep this to ourselves.

0:27:010:27:04

What we say in this root cellar, let it stay in this root cellar.

0:27:040:27:09

There's no "I" in team.

0:27:090:27:11

# Trouble in and trouble out

0:28:030:28:05

# Trouble's what this world's about

0:28:050:28:06

# Troubles of this world

0:28:060:28:08

# The devil's in this world

0:28:080:28:10

# Trouble in and trouble out

0:28:100:28:12

# Trouble's what this world's about

0:28:120:28:14

# Trouble's of this world

0:28:140:28:16

# The devil's in this world

0:28:160:28:17

# You up the river without a paddle

0:28:170:28:19

# In a lot of trouble

0:28:190:28:21

# Without a doubt you going under

0:28:210:28:23

# Running out of bubbles

0:28:230:28:25

# Pass me the body bag

0:28:250:28:27

# Watch me dump 'em

0:28:270:28:29

# It ain't nothing for you to get squashed like a pumpkin

0:28:290:28:32

# I try so hard and play my cards

0:28:320:28:34

# And pray to God I ain't involved

0:28:340:28:36

# I gotta call I'm much appalled

0:28:360:28:38

# I came to Oz and broke the law

0:28:380:28:39

# Bring on the casket Ain't too glad

0:28:390:28:41

# Cos dirty hazard wrapped in plastic... #

0:28:410:28:43

KNOCKING AT DOOR

0:29:020:29:04

WHISTLES

0:29:040:29:05

MUSIC CEASES

0:29:220:29:24

That's OK. Don't stop on account of me.

0:29:260:29:29

No, not at all, madam. Not at all.

0:29:290:29:32

We were about to take a break, anyway.

0:29:320:29:34

The glissandi on this piece are technically very demanding,

0:29:340:29:37

and I'm sure we would all welcome a moment of R&R.

0:29:370:29:42

Well, I just thought you'd like to see...

0:29:420:29:44

What you gotten into, honey? Why you sweating like that?!

0:29:440:29:49

-Er... Er...

-HE MUMBLES NERVOUSLY

0:29:490:29:52

Er, t-that boy right there -

0:29:520:29:54

he plays one bitch barrel full of a sackbut!

0:29:540:29:58

Ain't that right, Lump? I'm telling you, he can tear it up.

0:29:580:30:01

Nobody play the sackbut like Lump right there.

0:30:010:30:04

Oooh! Don't be shy, Lump.

0:30:040:30:06

That boy, he go at it like it was some pussy!

0:30:060:30:09

-Oh, shit!

-Mind your mouth!

0:30:100:30:12

This is a Christian house, boy.

0:30:120:30:14

Ain't no hippity-hop language in here.

0:30:140:30:17

Sometime it's the only way.

0:30:170:30:19

-You ain't gonna hit me...

-I'm trying to help you, boy,

0:30:190:30:22

better yo'self.

0:30:220:30:24

And so you should, madam.

0:30:240:30:27

Gawain is so far transported

0:30:270:30:30

by his love of the music of the early Renaissance...

0:30:300:30:34

Don't make me no never mind he transported!

0:30:340:30:36

-Have you been smokin'?

-Certainly not!

0:30:360:30:39

I understand your indignation,

0:30:390:30:41

and I was offering an explanation, not an excuse...

0:30:410:30:43

-Hey, don't be explaining me, dawg!

-THE PROFESSOR CONTINUES TO CHATTER

0:30:430:30:46

You can't read my motherfuckin' mind!

0:30:460:30:49

You might got your PhD, but I got my GEB!

0:30:490:30:53

Nigga!

0:30:530:30:55

A fiery lad.

0:30:550:30:58

But then, youth is fiery.

0:30:580:31:01

A fact often remarked upon by the poets of the Romantic era.

0:31:010:31:06

In my youth, I was in church! I wasn't walkin' around fiery.

0:31:060:31:09

Youth ain't no excuse for nothin'.

0:31:090:31:11

Anyhow, I just came to show you the fife.

0:31:130:31:15

Othar's fife.

0:31:150:31:17

Burned his own.

0:31:170:31:19

I thought maybe you being a man of music, you'd be interested.

0:31:190:31:22

Oh, indeed I am.

0:31:220:31:25

Cut it hisself and burned his holes.

0:31:250:31:28

The Israelites called it a khalil.

0:31:280:31:31

You can read all about it in the Bible.

0:31:310:31:33

-Ain't nothin' new under the sun!

-SHE CHUCKLES

0:31:330:31:35

Indeed...not.

0:31:350:31:38

SHE SIGHS HEAVILY

0:31:390:31:41

Gone these 20 years.

0:31:410:31:44

He was some kind of man.

0:31:450:31:47

Blowed the khalil.

0:31:530:31:55

I don't suppose...

0:32:000:32:02

Othar ever...

0:32:020:32:04

turned his hand or... HE CHUCKLES

0:32:040:32:07

..turned his lip, to blowing the shofar?

0:32:070:32:13

The ceremonial ram's horn

0:32:140:32:16

sounded by the priests of the Hebrews.

0:32:160:32:19

I don't know nothin' about that.

0:32:190:32:22

Othar never blowed no shofar!

0:32:220:32:25

-Of course not.

-Not to the extent of my knowledge.

0:32:250:32:28

The khalil was good enough for my Othar.

0:32:280:32:31

-SHE SIGHS CONTEMPLATIVELY

-Some kind of man.

0:32:320:32:35

Some kind of man.

0:32:380:32:40

Oh, goddamn! Come on, girl, let me get one little peek.

0:32:420:32:45

Don't be cruel. Just one butt cheek. Pull that ass out and make it clap.

0:32:450:32:49

Just cos I'm dressed like a janitor don't mean you gotta do me dirty.

0:32:490:32:54

This motherfucker's the jackpot. Come here and blow on these dice.

0:32:540:32:58

I'm a seven on the roll, but I'm a ten the hard way,

0:32:580:33:00

and I ain't just talkin' crap.

0:33:000:33:02

Mr Gudge,

0:33:040:33:06

she had a ass that could pull a bus.

0:33:060:33:09

I mean, it was more than ass, it was literature.

0:33:090:33:12

I don't care how big her ass was, MacSam.

0:33:120:33:15

-You're fired.

-You say what?

0:33:150:33:17

No fraternising with customers on the Bandit Queen. Clean out your locker.

0:33:170:33:21

-I wasn't...

-Get out of here. You're fired.

0:33:210:33:24

You can't fire me! I'll sue your ass!

0:33:240:33:27

Sue me? For what?

0:33:270:33:29

For fuckin' punitive damages, man!

0:33:290:33:31

-Punitive damages.

-Yeah, you goddamn skippy!

0:33:310:33:34

HE CHUCKLES Punitive damages?

0:33:340:33:36

I see why you're firing me. It's simple and plain.

0:33:360:33:40

You firin' me cos I'm black.

0:33:400:33:43

MacSam, everybody on the custodial staff is black.

0:33:440:33:48

Your replacement is gonna be black.

0:33:480:33:50

His replacement, no doubt, will be black!

0:33:500:33:53

Well, the fucking judge is gonna be black, motherfucker.

0:33:530:33:56

And you, you gonna stand tall before the man.

0:33:560:33:59

Your replacement is gonna be black! Motherfucker!

0:33:590:34:02

Thank you.

0:34:020:34:03

Oh, my!

0:34:050:34:07

Oh, my, my, my, my, my! This is a severe setback.

0:34:070:34:10

I am distraught. I am more than distraught.

0:34:100:34:13

I am devastated.

0:34:130:34:15

I am beside myself. I'm at a positive loss for words.

0:34:150:34:18

You still talkin' OK, though.

0:34:180:34:20

Have y'all decided?

0:34:200:34:22

Madam, we must have waffles. We must all have waffles forthwith!

0:34:220:34:27

We must all think, we must have waffles,

0:34:270:34:29

and think, every one of us, to the best of his ability.

0:34:290:34:32

Perhaps if you apologised to the man and gave him flowers.

0:34:320:34:36

Or perhaps a fruit basket,

0:34:360:34:38

with a card depicting a misty seascape

0:34:380:34:40

and inscribed with a sentiment.

0:34:400:34:42

I ain't apologisin'! He fired me cos I'm black!

0:34:420:34:45

He can't do that.

0:34:450:34:47

-Sue him. Open-and-shut case.

-Fuckin' A.

0:34:470:34:49

Chocolates have been known to melt the heart of the hardest misanthrope.

0:34:490:34:54

That man ain't rollin' over for no candy bar.

0:34:540:34:56

We've had a bit of a setback on the tunnelling front, too.

0:34:560:34:59

We've run into a pretty large rock.

0:34:590:35:01

Rock!

0:35:010:35:03

Very bad. Very bad.

0:35:050:35:07

Oh, my!

0:35:070:35:09

It seems that the poet was right -

0:35:110:35:14

"Troubles never singly come."

0:35:140:35:18

We can get through the rock. Easiest thing in the world.

0:35:180:35:20

We just blow right through it.

0:35:200:35:22

I got a pyro licence - just bore a hole in the rock

0:35:220:35:25

and pack in a little plastique

0:35:250:35:27

and igneous blows pretty good...

0:35:270:35:29

Hello, Garth. Am I ordering primer cord?

0:35:290:35:32

Yes, Mountain. We were just talking about that.

0:35:320:35:34

And some plastique.

0:35:340:35:36

-What the fuck is this?

-This is Mountain Girl.

0:35:360:35:39

Mountain is my right hand. She helps me out with ordnance.

0:35:390:35:42

Helps me with damn near everything.

0:35:420:35:44

Hey.

0:35:440:35:46

You brought your bitch... to the Waffle Hut?

0:35:460:35:49

Ahem! I must confess myself to be puzzled, as well.

0:35:490:35:53

I thought it was understood that when it came to our enterprise,

0:35:530:35:57

"mum" was the word.

0:35:570:35:59

Of course. I understand. But this is Mountain Girl.

0:35:590:36:02

I don't keep secrets from Mountain.

0:36:020:36:04

That's not how you maintain a loving, caring relationship!

0:36:040:36:07

You brought your bitch... to the Waffle Hut!

0:36:070:36:10

The man...brought his bitch... to the Waffle Hut!

0:36:100:36:15

I will thank you to stop referring to Mountain that way.

0:36:150:36:19

She is the other half of my life.

0:36:190:36:20

Everybody looking at me like I'm some kind of fuck-up

0:36:200:36:23

for losing a sorry-ass job,

0:36:230:36:25

and this motherfucker brings his bitch

0:36:250:36:29

to the motherfuckin' Waffle Hut!

0:36:290:36:31

-Punk, shut your goddamn mouth!

-You better raise the fuck up!

0:36:310:36:33

Yeah, you better back the fuck up!

0:36:330:36:35

-Back the fuck up!

-Gentlemen...

0:36:350:36:37

-Gentlemen, please.

-What? What?

0:36:370:36:39

Please, gentlemen,

0:36:390:36:41

this behaviour does you no credit in the eyes of your colleagues,

0:36:410:36:44

nor in those of the other patrons of this Waffle Hut.

0:36:440:36:48

Punk! Look at this! I got blueberry syrup on my safari jacket!

0:36:480:36:52

Gentlemen, I propose that we consider the matter of this woman,

0:36:520:36:57

-Mountain Water to...

-Mountain Girl!

0:36:570:36:59

I'm so very sorry.

0:36:590:37:01

I propose that we consider this matter closed.

0:37:010:37:04

We shall choose to trust her... MOUNTAIN GIRL WEEPS

0:37:040:37:06

..since we have no choice,

0:37:060:37:08

and since she shall share only Mr Pancake's portion of the booty.

0:37:080:37:12

-Wouldn't have it any other way.

-Damn right you won't.

0:37:120:37:16

-Up yours, punk!

-Fuck you and the Swiss miss.

0:37:160:37:18

The matter of disposing of our igneous impediment...

0:37:180:37:21

-Coach?

-..is also closed.

0:37:210:37:24

-Settled.

-Coach...

0:37:240:37:26

That leaves us only with the question...

0:37:260:37:28

-Coach!

-..of Gawain retrieving his job.

0:37:280:37:31

-Coach?

-Yes, Lump?

0:37:310:37:33

Couldn't we just bribe the guy?

0:37:330:37:36

# One of

0:37:370:37:40

# These mornings

0:37:410:37:46

# I'm a-going

0:37:460:37:50

# Away... #

0:37:500:37:52

You are a readin' fool, aren't you, Mr Dorr?!

0:37:520:37:56

Yes, I must confess,

0:37:570:38:00

I often find myself more at home in these ancient volumes

0:38:000:38:03

than in the hustle bustle of the modern world.

0:38:030:38:07

To me, paradoxically,

0:38:070:38:10

the literature of the so-called "dead" tongues

0:38:100:38:13

holds more currency than this morning's newspaper.

0:38:130:38:16

In these books,

0:38:160:38:18

in these volumes,

0:38:180:38:21

there is the accumulated wisdom of mankind,

0:38:210:38:24

which succours me when the day is hard

0:38:240:38:27

and the night lonely and long.

0:38:270:38:30

Hmm!

0:38:320:38:34

The wisdom of mankind, huh?

0:38:340:38:36

What about the wisdom of the Lord?

0:38:360:38:38

Oh, yes, yes. The Good Book. Hmm.

0:38:380:38:42

I have found reward in its pages.

0:38:420:38:45

But to me, there are other good books, as well.

0:38:450:38:51

Heavy volumes of antiquity,

0:38:530:38:55

freighted with the insights of man's glorious age.

0:38:550:38:59

And then, of course...

0:39:000:39:03

I just love, love, love... the works of...

0:39:030:39:07

Mr Edgar Allan Poe.

0:39:070:39:09

Oh, I know who he was. Kinda spooky!

0:39:090:39:12

No, madam, no, no.

0:39:120:39:14

Not of this world, it's true.

0:39:140:39:18

He...he lived in a dream.

0:39:180:39:21

HE INHALES DEEPLY An ancient dream.

0:39:210:39:23

Helen...

0:39:260:39:28

..Thy beauty is to me

0:39:290:39:34

Like those Nicean barks of yore

0:39:340:39:39

That gently, o'er the perfumed sea

0:39:390:39:43

The weary, way-worn wanderer bore

0:39:430:39:47

To his own native shore.

0:39:470:39:52

Who was Helen?

0:39:570:39:59

-Some kinda whore of Babylon?

-One doesn't know who Helen was.

0:39:590:40:03

But I picture her as being...

0:40:040:40:07

very, very...

0:40:070:40:10

extremely...

0:40:100:40:12

..pale.

0:40:130:40:15

Mrs Munson, I have been trying...

0:40:210:40:24

to figure out some way of expressing my gratitude to you

0:40:240:40:29

for taking in this... HE CHUCKLES

0:40:290:40:32

..weary, way-worn wanderer!

0:40:320:40:36

It's just a little old present. Why, it's hardly anything at all.

0:40:360:40:40

Why, Mr Dorr!

0:40:400:40:42

You are a gallant man!

0:40:420:40:45

Madam, I blush!

0:40:450:40:46

I happened to hear of this gospel concert tomorrow night,

0:40:460:40:49

The Mighty, Mighty Clouds Of Joy,

0:40:490:40:51

and thought you and a friend from church perhaps would...

0:40:510:40:54

-Yes. I have a widow lady friend.

-The concert is up in Memphis,

0:40:540:40:57

so I have arranged a car service to transport you thither.

0:40:570:41:01

-SHARP KNOCK AT DOOR

-Huh?

0:41:010:41:02

Why, Sheriff Wyner! How are you doin'?

0:41:040:41:07

Good evening, Mrs Munson.

0:41:070:41:08

I just stopped by to let you know I did have a talk with Weemack.

0:41:080:41:11

He told me he'll comply with your request in keeping that music down.

0:41:110:41:15

Have yourself a pleasant evening.

0:41:150:41:17

I've got somebody I want you to meet.

0:41:170:41:20

Ma'am, I'm a little pressed for time.

0:41:200:41:22

A gang of bank robbers you chasing?! Come on in here and say hello!

0:41:220:41:26

-Mrs Munson, I...

-Yeah, we were havin' tea, and...

0:41:260:41:29

GRAMOPHONE PLAYS A GOSPEL TUNE

0:41:290:41:32

Huh?

0:41:340:41:36

Bussed his own dishes! You can always tell a gentleman.

0:41:360:41:39

-Somebody was in here, ma'am?

-Yeah, with me and Othar.

0:41:390:41:43

Maybe I'll catch him the next time.

0:41:430:41:45

Come on up to his room with me and...

0:41:450:41:47

Mrs Munson, my wife got dinner on the table!

0:41:470:41:49

I really have to be going.

0:41:490:41:52

Oh, my! He is neat!

0:41:540:41:58

Yes, ma'am, he very neat.

0:41:580:42:00

He probably went down to the cellar to play with his friends!

0:42:000:42:04

Ma'am, I really got to be going now.

0:42:040:42:07

What...?

0:42:070:42:08

Ma'am, I really need to be gettin' back.

0:42:080:42:11

Mrs Munson, you don't have to... You don't...

0:42:120:42:15

-M-Mrs Munson?

-SHE LAUGHS

0:42:150:42:17

Why, Professor!

0:42:170:42:20

What in the world are you doin' havin' tea down there?

0:42:200:42:24

Er, Mrs Munson? Oh, Lord Jesus.

0:42:240:42:27

SHE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

0:42:270:42:31

HE LAUGHS POLITELY

0:42:330:42:35

Mrs Munson!

0:42:350:42:36

Land o' Goshen, child! Come on out from under there!

0:42:360:42:40

Mrs Munson, my pager just went off. I got to go.

0:42:400:42:44

I'll meet you and your friend later.

0:42:450:42:47

SHE CONTINUES TO LAUGH

0:42:470:42:49

-That was...refreshing! <

-Have a good evening now!

0:42:510:42:54

We academics are inordinately fond of wedging ourselves into confined spaces.

0:42:540:43:00

At Yale, students see how many of their number

0:43:000:43:02

they can enclose in a telephone booth.

0:43:020:43:05

At Harvard, a broom closet.

0:43:050:43:07

I hope I didn't spill my tea.

0:43:070:43:09

Well, what the hell is this?

0:43:100:43:12

I guess it's just my way of sayin', er...

0:43:130:43:16

HE SIGHS

0:43:160:43:18

Well, goddamn it, Mr Gudge.

0:43:180:43:21

Look here, I don't know what it's like walkin' in your shoes,

0:43:210:43:24

you know, with you being a tight-ass an' all,

0:43:240:43:27

and I'm pretty sure you don't know what it's like walkin' in my shoes.

0:43:270:43:30

See, Mr Gudge, there's the custodian, right?

0:43:300:43:33

And then there's the man inside the custodian.

0:43:330:43:37

And that's the motherfucker we got a problem with.

0:43:370:43:39

See, that man, he got needs, Mr Gudge,

0:43:390:43:42

and, normally, those needs got to do with women with big asses.

0:43:420:43:45

I guess my point bein' is, er, I realise I'm a bunkie junkie.

0:43:450:43:49

But if you would've seen the kettle drums on this girl, Mr Gudge. Whoo!

0:43:490:43:53

Well...we all human.

0:43:530:43:57

This apology buys you a one-week probationary period.

0:43:570:44:01

Thank you, Mr Gudge!

0:44:010:44:03

Stay away from the customers, MacSam.

0:44:030:44:06

CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY

0:44:130:44:15

This drill bit's getting awfully hot.

0:44:150:44:19

Gawain, maybe you could fill a Hudson sprayer

0:44:190:44:22

and spritz it down while I drill.

0:44:220:44:25

Fuck you!

0:44:250:44:26

I ain't your motherfuckin' house nigger. I'm the inside man.

0:44:260:44:30

Are you gonna have a bug up your ass the rest of the time we're working?

0:44:300:44:33

-I'll get the sprayer.

-No, no, no. No.

0:44:330:44:36

Me and this gentleman here have to get square.

0:44:360:44:39

Let me tell you something, MacSam.

0:44:390:44:41

I'm gonna tell you about how I came down to Mississippi.

0:44:410:44:44

I wasn't born here, you know. I'm from Scranton, Pennsylvania.

0:44:440:44:47

RUMBLING

0:44:470:44:49

What the fuck?

0:44:490:44:51

Scranton, Pennsylvania.

0:44:520:44:54

I came down here in 1964. Greyhound bus.

0:44:540:44:57

With the Freedom Riders.

0:44:570:45:00

Do you know who the Freedom Riders were?

0:45:000:45:02

No. And I don't give a fuck.

0:45:020:45:04

Just tell me when the fuck they gonna leave.

0:45:040:45:06

The Freedom Riders were a group of concerned liberals from up north,

0:45:060:45:11

all working together, just like we are here.

0:45:110:45:14

Involved citizens, who came down here

0:45:140:45:17

so that local black folk could have their civil liberties.

0:45:170:45:20

So that people like you could have the vote.

0:45:200:45:23

HE TUTS

0:45:250:45:28

You know what, man?

0:45:280:45:29

What, brother?

0:45:290:45:32

-I don't vote. So fuck you!

-You little fucking ingrate.

0:45:320:45:35

-And the bus you rode in on, jackass!

-Step outside!

0:45:350:45:38

-Fuck the outside! Come on...

-KNOCK AT DOOR

0:45:380:45:41

My friend Mrs Funthes is here so I'm about to go out.

0:45:440:45:47

Just thought I'd leave y'all with some cinnamon cookies.

0:45:470:45:50

Why, that is lovely.

0:45:500:45:53

Ooh, y'all sound good!

0:45:530:45:56

Maybe you could come by to church one Sunday, give us a recital!

0:45:560:46:01

How kind of you!

0:46:010:46:02

-O-Our music, however, is...

-There you go.

0:46:020:46:05

..well, how shall I put this?

0:46:050:46:07

A bit Roman in its outlook?!

0:46:070:46:09

Many of our pieces were commissioned by the Holy See.

0:46:090:46:12

Oh, I see, all right.

0:46:120:46:14

But we don't make no big whoop-dee-do about denomination.

0:46:140:46:17

Everybody welcome at our church!

0:46:170:46:20

We had a Methodist come in, Episcopalian...

0:46:200:46:24

And back in the '60s, we had a Jew come in!

0:46:240:46:27

Yeah, he had a guitar.

0:46:270:46:29

THE PROFESSOR CHUCKLES A Jew with a guitar!

0:46:290:46:31

If you will excuse me one moment, madam, I-I shall see you out.

0:46:310:46:35

If you gentlemen can labour harmoniously in my absence,

0:46:350:46:39

upon my return we shall be prepared to explode that old piece of igneous.

0:46:390:46:43

Oh, Professor! This is Mrs Funthes.

0:46:450:46:49

Enchante, Mrs Funthes.

0:46:490:46:51

Rosalie, this is Professor GH Dorr PhD.

0:46:510:46:56

Oh, my! That's an awful lotta letters.

0:46:560:46:59

HE CHUCKLES Well, now...

0:46:590:47:00

Of course, in my youth, I was known simply as Goldthwait.

0:47:000:47:05

Uh-huh!

0:47:050:47:06

All right, safety meeting.

0:47:060:47:08

Let's listen up. General, hand me that primer cord.

0:47:080:47:11

Before we set the charge, we will run through our procedure.

0:47:110:47:14

I have earplugs for whoever wants 'em. Just wedge those in your ears.

0:47:140:47:18

Now, here we have...

0:47:180:47:20

-..Not yet, Lump.

-Oh.

0:47:200:47:21

Now, primer cord.

0:47:210:47:23

Gelatinite. C4.

0:47:230:47:26

Time comes, we pack the hole in the rock with the C4,

0:47:260:47:30

and insert two leads -

0:47:300:47:32

A and B.

0:47:320:47:34

I remember my father saying to me,

0:47:340:47:36

and it's one of the few memories I retain of the man,

0:47:360:47:39

from one of his visits home, and how I do cherish it,

0:47:390:47:42

he said to me, "Goldthwait, you are not formed as other boys."

0:47:420:47:48

He a man of learnin'?

0:47:490:47:51

This is the same procedure we will be using when we collapse the tunnel

0:47:510:47:54

after entering the casino vault and returning to the root cellar.

0:47:540:47:58

He was a self-educated man. Didn't have a career as such.

0:47:580:48:02

But the government did recognise the breadth of his reading

0:48:020:48:05

by making him librarian of the state nervous hospital in Meridian,

0:48:050:48:09

where he was a distinguished... inmate.

0:48:090:48:13

Once these materials are combined,

0:48:130:48:16

only the professionals may handle them.

0:48:160:48:19

-That means me or the General.

-LUMP GRUNTS

0:48:190:48:22

Separately, they are harmless. Completely inert.

0:48:220:48:25

You could light this stuff on fire, hit it with a hamm...

0:48:250:48:29

DEAFENING BOOM

0:48:290:48:31

ALARM WAILS DOGS BARK

0:48:310:48:34

What in the name of heaven was that?

0:48:340:48:37

Well, I'm...quite certain there's absolutely no reason to be alarmed.

0:48:380:48:42

Why, I-I'm not even absolutely certain I-I heard anything at all.

0:48:420:48:46

Didn't hear nothin'?!

0:48:460:48:48

Well, something. Perhaps.

0:48:480:48:51

Nothing that need discompose us, was the sense I was trying to convey.

0:48:510:48:54

Now, I will not have you missing your musical recital. Off you go!

0:48:540:48:58

I shall call the gas company, or the water company,

0:48:580:49:01

or whatever subterranean utility is implicated in this contretemps.

0:49:010:49:06

I shall see to the matter,

0:49:060:49:08

as only a highly educated classicist could.

0:49:080:49:12

BANGING AND SHOUTING

0:49:160:49:19

Blood! Blood, Professor! Blood! Blood!

0:49:190:49:23

-THE GENERAL SHOUTS INCOHERENTLY <

-It's nothing to make a fuss about.

0:49:230:49:26

-It's perfectly all right.

-Get yo ass back and find that shit!

0:49:260:49:29

Really, I'm perfectly all right.

0:49:290:49:31

Jackass, you just blew your goddamn finger off!

0:49:310:49:35

The motherfucker down there, flappin' the fuck around!

0:49:350:49:37

Get yo ass back down there and find it!

0:49:370:49:39

I ain't picking up your goddamn finger!

0:49:390:49:42

I gather there was a premature detonation?

0:49:420:49:44

Tell the motherfucker he can sew the shit back on.

0:49:440:49:46

Like that dude whose wife cut his dick off, threw it on the freeway.

0:49:460:49:49

She called AAA, they towed the dick and sewed the motherfucker back on!

0:49:490:49:52

-I saw the motherfucker in a porno. The thing still worked!

-Yeah...

0:49:520:49:56

Looked like a chewed-up frank, but that motherfucker be working it!

0:49:560:50:00

It's mangled, but he be fucking the bitch all ways with a twisted dick!

0:50:000:50:03

SHOUTING CONTINUES

0:50:030:50:05

They're using the house to practise music.

0:50:100:50:13

-Of the Rococo.

-Mmm-hmm.

0:50:130:50:16

I propose we get our fallen comrade to the hospital.

0:50:160:50:20

The General will follow when he manages to recover the severed digit.

0:50:200:50:24

No, really, I'm perfectly all right.

0:50:240:50:26

I don't know what all the fuss is about.

0:50:260:50:29

Good news! Good news!

0:50:290:50:31

Pickles! Go catch him!

0:50:310:50:33

The house is in apple pie order, though we do need medical attention for Mr Pancake

0:50:330:50:38

who, in the disturbance, pinched his finger in the valve of his sackbut.

0:50:380:50:42

You let the cat out!

0:50:420:50:44

The General is even now exercising every effort

0:50:440:50:48

in retrieving your mischievous little Pickles.

0:50:480:50:50

Please, go on. Go on and enjoy the concert!

0:50:500:50:52

Driver! Au revoir, mesdames. CAT HISSES

0:50:520:50:55

Despite our setback, we find ourselves on schedule

0:51:070:51:10

to penetrate the vault here this afternoon,

0:51:100:51:13

while Mrs Munson is at church,

0:51:130:51:15

having blasted that rock to pieces during Mrs Munson's choir practice.

0:51:150:51:19

Garth, run us through the game plan for what remains of our tunnel.

0:51:190:51:23

Of course. Why, it's child's play now.

0:51:230:51:25

Easiest thing in the world.

0:51:250:51:27

Only a couple of feet separate us from the vault.

0:51:270:51:30

Just the usual spade work until we get to the masonry,

0:51:300:51:33

and then we just drill through.

0:51:330:51:35

And will you be able to... wield the drill

0:51:350:51:38

with your maimed extremity?

0:51:380:51:40

Oh, I should think so. It's, er, it's only one finger.

0:51:400:51:43

It inhibits me in doing finer work, of course.

0:51:430:51:46

-I'll always have to live with that.

-HE SIGHS

0:51:460:51:50

-CLEARS THROAT

-I'm just thinking out loud here,

0:51:500:51:53

maybe since, as you say, there will be problems later...

0:51:530:51:57

maybe, er, I mentioned this to Mountain Girl,

0:51:570:52:00

she agrees with me, so it's not one person's opinion,

0:52:000:52:03

maybe, er...I should...

0:52:030:52:06

get a little extra compensation for the accident.

0:52:060:52:10

A somewhat larger share.

0:52:140:52:16

If this was any other line of work, I'd get workman's comp, wouldn't I?

0:52:180:52:22

Might even have a pretty good lawsuit.

0:52:220:52:24

You gonna sue yourself for blowin' your own goddamn finger off?

0:52:240:52:28

Well, that is simply asinine!

0:52:280:52:29

But you see, Garth, this is not what you just called

0:52:290:52:32

-"some other line of work".

-No, but if it were...

0:52:320:52:35

This is a criminal enterprise, not to put too fine a point on it,

0:52:350:52:38

entailing risk not involved in honest labour.

0:52:380:52:40

Governmental regulations and civic safeguards

0:52:400:52:43

cannot be assumed to apply to antisocial pursuits.

0:52:430:52:46

Yeah, but he lost his finger.

0:52:460:52:49

We don't give a fuck!

0:52:490:52:50

That fool could blow his dick off, it don't make no never mind to us!

0:52:500:52:53

Pay this jackass for blowing off goddamn body parts?

0:52:530:52:56

Get yo fuckin' head out your ass!

0:52:560:52:58

ALL BICKER AT ONCE

0:52:580:53:00

No extra share!

0:53:000:53:01

BICKERING CEASES

0:53:010:53:04

OK. Majority rules.

0:53:050:53:07

It was just a trial balloon.

0:53:080:53:09

The hand's not so bad, really. I even get some phantom feeling.

0:53:090:53:13

You pull on your prick, you get phantom feeling!

0:53:130:53:15

-Fuck you!

-Fuck you.

-Fuck you!

0:53:150:53:16

Fuck you, nubbie!

0:53:160:53:18

Well, now that matter is settled,

0:53:180:53:20

let us synchronise our watches before Gawain reports to work.

0:53:200:53:23

In 20 seconds, it will be exactly 12.16.

0:53:230:53:26

15...

0:53:260:53:28

It'll be 12.15?

0:53:280:53:30

No, 15 seconds. Well, 11 seconds now. It'll be... 12.16.

0:53:300:53:34

HE SIGHS Eight...

0:53:340:53:36

-Professor?

-Seven...six...

-P-Professor?

0:53:360:53:39

-Five...

-Prof...

-Yes, Lump?!

0:53:390:53:41

I don't have a watch.

0:53:410:53:43

# There'll be no more weepin' and wailin'

0:53:450:53:50

# No more weepin' and wailin'

0:53:500:53:54

# No more...

0:53:540:53:56

# Weepin' and wailin'

0:53:560:53:58

# Goin' to live with God

0:53:580:54:01

# Soon I will be done with the troubles of this world

0:54:020:54:05

-# Troubles of this world

-# Troubles of this world

0:54:050:54:09

# Soon I will be done with the troubles of this world

0:54:090:54:13

# I'm goin' home to live with God

0:54:130:54:16

# Soon I will be done with the troubles of this world

0:54:170:54:20

# Troubles of this world

0:54:200:54:23

# Troubles of this life

0:54:230:54:25

# Soon I will be done with the troubles of this world

0:54:250:54:29

# I'm goin' home to live with God

0:54:290:54:32

# Soon I will be done with the troubles of this world

0:54:330:54:37

-# Troubles of this world

-Troubles of this crazy life

0:54:370:54:41

# Soon I will be done with the troubles of this world

0:54:410:54:44

# I'm goin' up to be with God

0:54:440:54:48

# I'm going up to see King Jesus

0:54:480:54:52

# Shake Him by the hand

0:54:520:54:55

# I'm gonna tell Him all about my troubles

0:54:550:54:58

# Travellin' through this land

0:54:580:55:03

# Soon I will be done

0:55:040:55:06

# With the troubles of this world

0:55:060:55:10

# Yeah, soon I will be done

0:55:110:55:14

# I'm goin' home to live with God

0:55:150:55:17

# Soon I will be done with the troubles of this world

0:55:180:55:23

# Troubles of this world Troubles of this crazy life

0:55:230:55:27

# I soon will be done with the trouble, yeah

0:55:270:55:30

# I'm goin' home to live with God! #

0:55:300:55:36

-Whoo-hoo-hoo!

-HE LAUGHS

0:55:390:55:42

Ain't that somethin'?

0:55:420:55:45

HE GROANS

0:55:500:55:52

RUMBLING AND GRUMBLING

0:55:520:55:55

IBS!

0:55:550:55:56

You be what?

0:55:560:55:59

Irritable bowel syndrome!

0:55:590:56:00

Is there a men's room?

0:56:000:56:02

You can't use the men's room now!

0:56:020:56:04

Or a ladies' room. Quickly. IBS.

0:56:040:56:06

-Why didn't you shit at the house!

-Quickly!

0:56:060:56:09

We don't want Elron finding yo ass on the crapper!

0:56:090:56:12

No choice! It's a medical condition. Quickly!

0:56:120:56:15

You are one disgustin' individual, you know that?

0:56:150:56:18

Come on! Follow me.

0:56:180:56:19

TOILET FLUSHES

0:56:210:56:23

Ahhh...

0:56:250:56:27

-I feel 30lbs lighter.

-Come on with your stink ass.

0:56:280:56:30

Thank you for being so understanding.

0:56:300:56:33

Not everyone is, of course, which is why the biggest challenge of IBS

0:56:330:56:36

is educating the public.

0:56:360:56:39

Afflicts over two million people, yet most have never heard of it.

0:56:390:56:43

It strikes without regard to age, gender or race.

0:56:430:56:46

Fuck, man! I don't wanna hear about this shit.

0:56:460:56:49

That's exactly the kind of attitude we're fighting.

0:56:490:56:51

I never told you that's how Mountain Girl and I met -

0:56:510:56:54

-at an IBS weekend at Grossinger's, up in the Catskills.

-HE FARTS

0:56:540:56:58

Course, tourism there has suffered, with the demise of the Borscht Belt,

0:56:580:57:02

so they have various promotions, mixers, so on.

0:57:020:57:06

This was a weekend for irritable bowel singles

0:57:060:57:09

to meet, support each other and share stories.

0:57:090:57:12

I don't wanna hear a single one of them stories.

0:57:120:57:14

-Now, some of them are very moving...

-Not one fuckin' story!

0:57:140:57:17

Look, I didn't choose to have IBS.

0:57:170:57:19

Man, shut...the fuck...up!

0:57:190:57:22

There's no cure, you know. Only control. Lifelong condition.

0:57:220:57:26

Being an asshole's a lifelong condition, too.

0:57:260:57:29

Just drop the fuckin' tools.

0:57:290:57:31

I'm not complaining. I did meet Mountain Girl.

0:57:310:57:33

Get in the fuckin' hole!

0:57:330:57:35

Oh! HE LAUGHS BREATHLESSLY

0:57:360:57:38

Marvellous. Marvellous! This way, gentlemen!

0:57:380:57:41

Oh, excellent! Excellent.

0:57:410:57:44

Flawless. Flawless. Thumbs up.

0:57:440:57:46

Can't stop shitting.

0:57:500:57:52

Can't stop talkin' about shitting.

0:57:520:57:54

Gentlemen, to we few,

0:57:580:58:00

we who have shared each other's company,

0:58:000:58:03

each other's cares, each other's joys,

0:58:030:58:05

and who shall reap the fruits of our communal efforts shoulder to shoulder

0:58:050:58:09

from each according to his abilities, so forth and whatnot,

0:58:090:58:12

we have had our little differences along the way,

0:58:120:58:14

but I'd like to think they only made us value one another all the more,

0:58:140:58:19

each of us coming to appreciate the other's qualities and potencies,

0:58:190:58:23

and, mmn, yes...

0:58:230:58:25

foibles.

0:58:250:58:27

I suggest that we shall look back upon this little caper one day,

0:58:270:58:32

one distant day,

0:58:320:58:34

aah... grandchildren dandled upon our knee,

0:58:340:58:38

and perhaps a tear will form,

0:58:380:58:42

and we shall say, "Well...with wit and grit

0:58:420:58:46

"and no small amount of courage,

0:58:460:58:48

"we accomplished something on that day."

0:58:480:58:53

"A feat of derring-do, an enterprise not ignoble."

0:58:530:58:58

We merry band,

0:58:580:59:00

unbound by the constraints of society

0:59:000:59:03

and the prejudices of the common ruck.

0:59:030:59:07

HE INHALES DEEPLY We happy few.

0:59:070:59:09

HE SNORTS EMOTIONALLY Gentlemen, to us!

0:59:100:59:12

ALL: To us!

0:59:120:59:14

LAUGHTER

0:59:160:59:17

HE SNORTS

0:59:170:59:19

LAUGHTER FADES

0:59:190:59:22

The charge should've gone off already.

0:59:220:59:24

Ah! I do beg your pardon?

0:59:240:59:26

The charge to collapse the tunnel. I set it for eight minutes.

0:59:260:59:30

Well, that much time and...

0:59:300:59:32

more has certainly elapsed.

0:59:320:59:34

I need not remind you, it is of the essence of this plan

0:59:370:59:41

that the money should appear to have vanished,

0:59:410:59:43

-spirited away, as it were, by ghosts.

-Of course.

0:59:430:59:46

The conundrum of the undisturbed yet empty vault.

0:59:460:59:48

The riddle of the sealed yet violated sanctum

0:59:480:59:51

is of the utmost importance,

0:59:510:59:52

not only to make our caper more intellectually satisfying,

0:59:520:59:56

it is exigent as a matter of practical fact.

0:59:560:59:58

I remind you that if any tunnel is ever found

0:59:581:00:02

leading to this house...

1:00:021:00:04

..the owner knows...

1:00:051:00:07

all your names.

1:00:071:00:09

HIP-HOP BEAT HEARD FAINTLY

1:00:231:00:26

GROWLING AND RUMBLING

1:00:351:00:37

GROANS

1:00:371:00:39

MUSIC PLAYS LOUDLY

1:00:391:00:41

HE BREATHES LABOUREDLY

1:00:441:00:47

HIGH-PITCHED BEEPING

1:00:531:00:55

BEEPS MONOTONOUSLY

1:00:551:00:58

LOW-PITCHED RUMBLING

1:01:221:01:25

You just fart?

1:01:421:01:45

-HE CHUCKLES

-No!

1:01:451:01:47

HE LAUGHS WEAKLY

1:01:471:01:50

No, no, I'm fine.

1:01:571:01:59

Perfectly all right. Not a problem.

1:01:591:02:01

There's no hole left!

1:02:011:02:04

Professor!

1:02:041:02:06

I'm surprised!

1:02:071:02:09

Well, er, properly speaking, madam,

1:02:091:02:13

we are surprised, you are...

1:02:131:02:15

taken aback. HE CHUCKLES

1:02:151:02:17

I do acknowledge that the sense that you intend

1:02:171:02:20

is gaining increasing currency through its use, yes.

1:02:201:02:24

You have returned from your devotions betimes.

1:02:241:02:28

I had to make tea.

1:02:281:02:29

I want to talk to you, Professor, so don't you be leavin'!

1:02:291:02:33

And you!

1:02:331:02:35

I told you I don't want any smokin' in this house!

1:02:351:02:39

DOORBELL RINGS

1:02:391:02:41

ALL GREET ENTHUSIASTICALLY

1:02:481:02:52

EXCITABLE VOICES DRIFT DOWN

1:02:571:02:59

Tea ladies.

1:03:051:03:08

DOOR OPENS

1:03:121:03:14

I don't know what you boys been up to,

1:03:191:03:21

but I know mischief when I see it.

1:03:211:03:24

I want an explanation, but first,

1:03:241:03:26

get your fannies up here with your instruments.

1:03:261:03:29

I been telling the ladies about your music

1:03:291:03:31

and they wanna hear you play.

1:03:311:03:34

Professor?

1:03:481:03:50

Yes, Lump?

1:03:501:03:52

I can't really play the buttsack.

1:03:521:03:56

CHATTER CEASES

1:03:571:03:59

Madam, or, rather, mesdames,

1:03:591:04:03

accept our apologies for not being able to perform,

1:04:031:04:06

for, as you see, we are short-handed.

1:04:061:04:08

Gawain is still at work,

1:04:081:04:10

and we could no more play with one part tacit

1:04:101:04:13

than a horse could canter shy one leg.

1:04:131:04:17

Perhaps I could offer,

1:04:201:04:23

as a poor but ready substitute,

1:04:231:04:26

a brief poetic recital.

1:04:261:04:29

Though I do not pretend to any great oratorical skills...

1:04:291:04:34

HE CHUCKLES BREATHLESSLY ..I would be happy to present,

1:04:341:04:37

with your ladies' permission,

1:04:371:04:40

verse from the unquiet mind

1:04:401:04:42

of Mr Edgar Allan Poe.

1:04:421:04:45

Ladies...

1:04:511:04:54

Thy beauty is to me...

1:04:541:04:57

Like those Nicean barks of yore

1:04:571:05:01

That gently, o'er a perfumed sea

1:05:011:05:05

The weary, way-worn wanderer bore

1:05:051:05:09

To his own native shore.

1:05:091:05:12

ALL MURMUR: Ah!

1:05:121:05:14

My, my, my...

1:05:141:05:15

On desperate seas

1:05:151:05:18

Long wont to roam

1:05:181:05:21

Thy hyacinth hair

1:05:211:05:24

Thy classic face

1:05:241:05:27

Thy Naiad airs have brought me home

1:05:271:05:31

To the glory that was Greece

1:05:311:05:34

And the grandeur...that was Rome.

1:05:341:05:38

-Glory Hallelujah.

-ALL MURMUR: Amen. Glory.

1:05:381:05:41

FRONT DOOR OPENS ALL CONTINUE TO MURMUR

1:05:411:05:44

MURMURS SLOWLY CEASE

1:05:441:05:47

Huh?

1:05:481:05:49

Bye-bye, ladies. It was my pleasure.

1:05:491:05:52

ALL CHATTER AT ONCE

1:05:521:05:54

Thank you, ma'am. Such a pleasure.

1:05:541:05:57

Safe home. Safe home. LADIES CHUCKLE

1:05:571:06:00

-Now I wanna know what's goin' on.

-Oh, indeed! Indeed!

1:06:001:06:03

The thirst for knowledge is a very commendable thing.

1:06:031:06:06

Though, I do believe when you hear the explanation,

1:06:061:06:10

you shall laugh riotously, slapping your knee,

1:06:101:06:13

and perhaps even wiping away a giddy tear,

1:06:131:06:16

relieved of your former concern.

1:06:161:06:19

Lump here is an avid collector of Indian arrowheads,

1:06:191:06:22

and, having found one simply lying on your cellar floor,

1:06:221:06:26

a particularly rare artefact

1:06:261:06:28

-of the Natchez tribe...

-W-What?

1:06:281:06:30

..he enlisted the ensemble in an all-out effort

1:06:301:06:32

to sift through the subsoil in search of others.

1:06:321:06:36

Apparently, in doing so, we hit a mother lode of natural gas.

1:06:361:06:39

I became acutely aware of the smell of "rotten eggs".

1:06:391:06:43

And it was just at this inopportune moment that the General

1:06:431:06:48

violated the cardinal rule of this house

1:06:481:06:50

and lit himself...a cigarette.

1:06:501:06:54

So sorry.

1:06:541:06:56

Well, what about all that money?

1:06:581:07:01

Ah...

1:07:011:07:03

the money.

1:07:031:07:05

Well, the money is Mr Pancake's.

1:07:051:07:07

-That's right.

-Who only just remortgaged his home

1:07:071:07:11

in order to raise the money for a surgical procedure

1:07:111:07:14

to correct the wandering eye of his common-law wife, Mountain Water,

1:07:141:07:17

who suffers from astigmia strabismus and a general...

1:07:171:07:22

..curdling of the...vitreous jelly.

1:07:221:07:25

Mr Pancake is an ardent foe... HE CHUCKLES

1:07:251:07:28

..of the Federal Reserve,

1:07:281:07:30

and is one of those eccentrics one reads about

1:07:301:07:33

hoarding his entire life savings, in Mr Pancake's case,

1:07:331:07:36

in a Hefty bag that is his constant companion.

1:07:361:07:40

A steel sack.

1:07:411:07:44

Don't trust the banks. Never have.

1:07:441:07:47

Uh-uh. Don't smell right to me. I'm calling Sheriff Wyner.

1:07:541:07:58

Madam! Madam, please!

1:07:581:08:01

Madam, no, no, I beg of y...

1:08:011:08:03

Yes! Yes! It is a lie!

1:08:031:08:05

It is a fantastic tale! You have us dead to rights.

1:08:051:08:08

But, madam, please, allow me to tell you the truth.

1:08:081:08:12

In private.

1:08:121:08:14

Madam...

1:08:171:08:19

Madam, we are not musicians...

1:08:221:08:25

..of the late Renaissance.

1:08:251:08:28

-Nor of the early, nor mid period.

-Mmn-hmm.

1:08:281:08:31

We are, in fact...

1:08:311:08:34

..criminals.

1:08:361:08:38

Desperate men, Mrs Munson.

1:08:381:08:40

We have... HE INHALES DEEPLY

1:08:401:08:43

..tunnelled into the nearby offices of the Bandit Queen gambling emporium

1:08:431:08:48

and relieved it of its treasure.

1:08:481:08:51

-Lord have mercy!

-It is true.

1:08:511:08:53

The Bandit Queen is a den of iniquity,

1:08:531:08:56

a painted harlot, luring people into sin

1:08:561:08:59

by exciting the vice of greed with her promise of easy winnings.

1:08:591:09:03

Her gains are ill-gotten.

1:09:031:09:06

But... HE SIGHS

1:09:061:09:09

I offer no excuses...

1:09:091:09:11

save one.

1:09:111:09:14

We men have each pledged one half of our share of the booty

1:09:141:09:18

to a charitable institution.

1:09:181:09:20

In compensation for use of your home,

1:09:201:09:23

we had planned to donate a full share

1:09:231:09:26

to Bob Jones University,

1:09:261:09:29

without burdening you with guilty knowledge by informing you.

1:09:291:09:34

But now you have wrested the information from me.

1:09:341:09:36

HE CHUCKLES BREATHLESSLY There you have it!

1:09:361:09:38

It is on your table, Mrs Munson.

1:09:381:09:41

The "awful truth".

1:09:411:09:44

Stolen money.

1:09:441:09:46

But find the victim, Mrs Munson. I challenge you.

1:09:461:09:51

Even the casino itself, that riparian Gomorrah,

1:09:511:09:53

shall suffer no harm.

1:09:531:09:55

It has an insurance company -

1:09:551:09:58

a financial behemoth

1:09:581:10:00

that will cheerfully replenish its depleted vaults.

1:10:001:10:04

That is its function!

1:10:041:10:05

That insurance company has tens and tens of thousands of policy holders.

1:10:051:10:10

We have done the calculations,

1:10:101:10:12

so that at the end of the day, at the final reckoning,

1:10:121:10:16

each one of those policy holders shall have contributed one penny,

1:10:161:10:21

one single, solitary cent,

1:10:211:10:24

to the satisfaction of this claim.

1:10:241:10:27

-One penny?

-One penny.

1:10:271:10:29

Think of it, Mrs Munson,

1:10:291:10:31

one penny from those thousands upon thousands of people,

1:10:311:10:35

so that Bob Jones University

1:10:351:10:38

can continue on its mission.

1:10:381:10:42

I have no doubt that were those policy holders made aware

1:10:421:10:44

of the existence of that august institution,

1:10:441:10:46

each and every one would have volunteered some token amount

1:10:461:10:50

for the furtherance of its aims.

1:10:501:10:52

Well, that's probably true!

1:10:521:10:54

Sadly...

1:10:541:10:56

the criminal stain is upon my soul.

1:10:561:11:00

But the benefit shall accrue to any number of worthy causes,

1:11:001:11:05

as long, that is, as the secret...

1:11:051:11:07

stays with us.

1:11:071:11:10

-Well...

-SHE BREATHES DEEPLY

1:11:131:11:16

I can't hardly see the harm in it.

1:11:161:11:20

One penny?

1:11:211:11:22

-I'm sorry.

-Excuse me?

1:11:341:11:36

I'm sorry, it's wrong.

1:11:361:11:38

-Don't be leadin' me into temptation.

-Madam...

1:11:381:11:40

I'm sorry. It's just plain wrong.

1:11:401:11:42

-Stealing.

-Madam...

1:11:421:11:44

-I know your intentions was good.

-They weren't!

1:11:441:11:46

I won't call the police if you return the money

1:11:461:11:49

and y'all go to church on Sunday.

1:11:491:11:51

And engage in divine worship?!

1:11:511:11:54

I've made up my mind.

1:11:561:11:58

You can double talk all you want.

1:11:581:12:01

It's church or the county jail. Think it over.

1:12:011:12:05

I gotta feed the cat.

1:12:051:12:08

HE PLUCKS DESPONDENTLY

1:12:161:12:19

Motherfuck!

1:12:241:12:26

Yes. Unfortunately, Mrs Munson has rather complicated the situation.

1:12:261:12:31

I know how to decomplicate it.

1:12:311:12:33

Bust a cap in the old bitch's head. Simple.

1:12:331:12:36

Not easy to do.

1:12:411:12:43

For many reasons. Practical ones.

1:12:431:12:46

Quiet neighbourhood. Sleepy town. Reasons of moral repugnance.

1:12:461:12:50

A harmless woman, a deed conceived and executed in cold blood.

1:12:501:12:54

No, no, Gawain. Would that it were simple.

1:12:541:12:58

Fuck! We gonna give the money back and go to church?

1:12:581:13:01

PLUCKS OFF-KEY I shudder and I quake.

1:13:011:13:06

You, sir, are a Buddhist.

1:13:061:13:09

Is there not a "middle way"?

1:13:091:13:11

GRUNTS CONTEMPLATIVELY

1:13:111:13:14

Must float like a leaf on the river of life...

1:13:161:13:20

..and kill old lady.

1:13:221:13:24

Yes, yes, I suppose you are right.

1:13:261:13:30

It is the active nature of the crime, though, that so abhors -

1:13:301:13:33

the squeezing of the trigger, the plunging of the knife, it...

1:13:331:13:38

But...let us think a moment.

1:13:381:13:41

What other tools do we have at hand?

1:13:411:13:44

We have the cellar.

1:13:441:13:46

We have the cavity.

1:13:461:13:48

We have masonry and trowel.

1:13:481:13:53

Perhaps we could simply...

1:13:531:13:57

-immure her.

-Sure. Easiest thing in the world!

1:13:571:14:00

I can whip up some mortar in a snow saucer,

1:14:001:14:03

lay the bricks, anchor in chains. Mountain can outsource the manacles.

1:14:031:14:07

Ah, gentlemen, we delude ourselves.

1:14:071:14:10

No, shortest and painless is best.

1:14:101:14:14

Gawain's gun,

1:14:141:14:17

retort muffled by a pillow,

1:14:171:14:20

into the brain.

1:14:201:14:21

HE CLAPS The affair of an instant.

1:14:211:14:24

The only question is,

1:14:241:14:26

who wields the weapon?

1:14:261:14:29

I believe it is traditional in such circumstances to...

1:14:291:14:33

-draw straws.

-Fair enough.

1:14:331:14:36

Here you go, Lump.

1:14:361:14:37

I'm thinking, though, that, er... since I lost a finger,

1:14:381:14:42

and I mean literally lost it, cos of that fucking cat,

1:14:421:14:46

maybe I should be excused from this thing.

1:14:461:14:49

Hard for me to squeeze a trigger, anyway.

1:14:491:14:51

You one whiny motherfucker.

1:14:511:14:53

I'll squeeze your fuckin' nutsack, you keep that bullshit up.

1:14:531:14:56

-Shut up, punk!

-I'll kick your goddamn ass!

1:14:561:14:59

Gentlemen! No special pleading. No exceptions.

1:14:591:15:02

It is of the nature of the situation we would all prefer to be excused.

1:15:021:15:06

Well, OK. It was just a trial balloon.

1:15:071:15:09

Er...

1:15:301:15:31

HE WHIMPERS

1:15:341:15:36

HE SIGHS HARD

1:15:361:15:38

Long straw. You all see it.

1:15:461:15:49

-All that fuss for nothing, punk.

-Fuck you!

1:15:491:15:52

Motherfuck!

1:16:051:16:07

# Lord, I'm in trouble

1:16:071:16:10

# Lord, I'm in trouble

1:16:101:16:13

# Lord, I'm in trouble all about my soul

1:16:131:16:18

# My Lord, but

1:16:181:16:21

# When I get up in the kingdom, Lord

1:16:211:16:27

# I won't be in trouble no more

1:16:271:16:30

# Oh, Lord, I'm in trouble

1:16:301:16:34

# Lord, I'm in trouble

1:16:341:16:37

# Lord, I'm in trouble. #

1:16:371:16:39

TV: 'Would you like a hot cross bun?

1:16:391:16:42

-'No! Just an explanation.

-Coming up...

1:16:421:16:46

'Hi, George. What's going on?

1:16:461:16:50

'George! How did they get in here?!'

1:16:501:16:53

CANNED LAUGHTER

1:16:531:16:55

What you got there, Gawain?

1:16:571:16:59

-Why, nothin', Mamma...

-Nothin', my ass!

1:16:591:17:03

-You got a dog there!

-No, Mamma!

1:17:031:17:05

A filthy, noisy, little pest of a puppy dog

1:17:051:17:08

gonna shit all over the house!

1:17:081:17:10

He won't shit in the house! I'll train him!

1:17:101:17:13

-I'll train him real good.

-I'm gonna train you real good!

1:17:131:17:16

Wait till your daddy get home! He gonna lay into you proper!

1:17:161:17:20

No, Mamma! Please, Mamma! I love you!

1:17:201:17:22

Daddy gonna kick your ass!

1:17:221:17:24

Mamma's whuppin' Gawain's ass!

1:17:241:17:27

Ain't you gonna use the strap?

1:17:271:17:29

I love you, Mamma.... I'm sorry, Mamma. I love you.

1:17:291:17:33

I swear I'll wash the dog's ass an' everythin', Mamma.

1:17:331:17:37

-HE WEEPS

-I'll train him to shit in the toilet, Mamma!

1:17:371:17:40

I'll wipe his ass an' everythin'...

1:17:401:17:43

What you doin'?

1:17:431:17:44

What you doin' with my pillow?

1:17:441:17:47

Nothing, ma'am. I just came down to...

1:17:471:17:49

-I'm displeased with you!

-But...

1:17:491:17:51

Fine coloured boy like you,

1:17:511:17:52

falling in with that trash downstairs!

1:17:521:17:55

Now, I know your mamma taught you better than that!

1:17:551:17:59

I can't do it. She reminded me of my mamma.

1:18:021:18:06

-Look, man...

-Why, this is most irregular.

1:18:061:18:09

You motherfuckers draw straws again.

1:18:091:18:11

Accept your responsibilities, young man, and shoot that old lady.

1:18:111:18:16

Fuck you and your irritated bowel!

1:18:161:18:18

-Must shoot.

-Easiest thing in the world.

1:18:181:18:21

Just pretend her head's a melon, and the gun is a melon baller...

1:18:211:18:25

What the fuck are you talking about? A melon baller?

1:18:251:18:27

-Look, man, you do it.

-This is most irregular.

1:18:271:18:30

Now, look, with equal rights comes equal responsibility.

1:18:301:18:34

Mr Pancake is correct. We cannot draw straws again.

1:18:341:18:37

The exercise loses all credibility if the loser can simply beg off.

1:18:371:18:41

Must shoot.

1:18:411:18:43

Hey, look, man,

1:18:441:18:46

she's just an old coloured lady to you. Come on, man. You do it.

1:18:461:18:49

Why, you snivelling little coward.

1:18:491:18:53

-What did you say to me?

-Snivelling little coward.

1:18:531:18:55

Whiny motherfucker.

1:18:551:18:57

I'll come up your irritated asshole with this gun

1:18:571:19:00

and give you a lead colonic!

1:19:001:19:02

Think you scare me, you mewling punk?

1:19:021:19:04

You don't scare me. Bull Connor and all his dogs didn't scare me!

1:19:041:19:08

Now, be a man.

1:19:081:19:10

You fuck! You ain't no fuckin' man!

1:19:101:19:14

-Why, this is most...

-Be a man!

1:19:141:19:16

You ain't no fuckin' man! Fuckin' a 60-year-old with pigtails!

1:19:161:19:19

You bastard punk! Mountain Girl is 53!

1:19:191:19:23

-She could ride your ass to jelly!

-Oh, yeah?!

1:19:231:19:26

-Gentlemen!

-I'd rather stick my dick in a ham!

1:19:271:19:30

GUNSHOT

1:19:301:19:32

Oh, my God.

1:19:381:19:39

Oh, no!

1:19:391:19:41

Oh, my.

1:19:411:19:43

I think he's hit.

1:19:431:19:46

Oh, no...

1:19:461:19:49

I'll just check the carotid artery.

1:19:511:19:54

That's a negative.

1:19:581:20:00

Is he dead, Professor?

1:20:001:20:01

Sure he's dead, Lump. I checked his carotid artery.

1:20:011:20:04

Well, this is most irregular.

1:20:041:20:07

We shall need a Hefty bag.

1:20:071:20:10

GOSPEL MUSIC PLAYS

1:20:111:20:13

She's in the kitchen.

1:20:181:20:20

You steal out with the carcass

1:20:201:20:22

while I dazzle her with conversation.

1:20:221:20:24

My dear Mrs Munson,

1:20:291:20:32

I have outlined your position with my colleagues,

1:20:321:20:36

and I now return to you to render our collective verdict.

1:20:361:20:40

-Uh-huh.

-There was much spirited discussion

1:20:401:20:42

in an atmosphere of frank give and take.

1:20:421:20:45

Some were appalled at the idea of returning the money.

1:20:451:20:49

Some were more receptive.

1:20:491:20:51

I don't care if they was receptive or not!

1:20:511:20:53

And that attitude, madam, was a factor in our discussions.

1:20:531:20:56

I must say, they were devastated at the prospect

1:20:561:21:00

of not being able to contribute to the respective charities.

1:21:001:21:02

Well, that is a shame.

1:21:021:21:04

Indeed. But at the end of the day, your position prevailed.

1:21:041:21:08

So we have decided to return the money, every last cent,

1:21:081:21:12

and attend Sunday services,

1:21:121:21:14

rather than spend the rest of our days

1:21:141:21:16

in the Mississippi Mens' Correctional facility.

1:21:161:21:19

Though that was the original preference of some.

1:21:191:21:22

FOGHORN BLOWS

1:21:421:21:45

You are not assisting with the cadaver.

1:22:001:22:03

-Oh, no need.

-HE FARTS

1:22:031:22:05

Just chucked it off the bridge. Easiest thing in the world.

1:22:051:22:07

I'm just cleaning up here.

1:22:071:22:09

-DOOR BANGS

-Oh, that's them. Back already.

1:22:091:22:13

I'll just go dump these in the hearse.

1:22:131:22:16

Yeah. Easiest thing in the world.

1:22:161:22:19

General!

1:22:351:22:37

No extra share, huh?

1:22:371:22:40

HE GRUNTS UNCOMFORTABLY

1:22:451:22:47

HE SNORTS

1:22:501:22:52

-Mountain?

-Garth?

1:23:021:23:04

HE SNORTS GUTTURALLY

1:23:041:23:07

IBS, dear?

1:23:071:23:09

# Oh, come...

1:23:131:23:17

# Let us go back

1:23:171:23:21

# To God

1:23:211:23:22

# Go back

1:23:221:23:24

# Oh, how long?

1:23:241:23:26

# Let's go back to God

1:23:261:23:29

-# Let us go back

-Let's go back to God

1:23:291:23:32

-# Come on...

-Let's go back to God... #

1:23:321:23:36

Get Garth!

1:23:361:23:38

# Oh, come

1:23:381:23:39

# Let us go back

1:23:391:23:43

# To God

1:23:431:23:45

# Go back

1:23:451:23:47

# To God. #

1:23:471:23:51

Excellent.

1:24:021:24:04

I believe, at last, we have the right man for the job.

1:24:041:24:08

SHE SNORES LOUDLY

1:24:081:24:10

# They crucified

1:24:561:25:00

# The saviour

1:25:001:25:03

# They crucified

1:25:031:25:07

# The saviour

1:25:071:25:10

# They crucified

1:25:101:25:13

# The saviour

1:25:131:25:17

# And nailed him to the cross... #

1:25:171:25:21

CUCKOO! CUCKOO!

1:25:281:25:30

HE GULPS

1:25:301:25:32

# And ascended in a cloud

1:25:321:25:34

MUMBLES

1:25:341:25:36

# And ascended in a cloud

1:25:371:25:41

# And ascended in a cloud... #

1:25:411:25:44

MEOWS ANGRILY

1:25:441:25:45

# And ascended in a cloud

1:25:511:25:54

# And ascended in a cloud

1:25:541:25:56

# And ascended in a cloud

1:25:561:25:58

# And ascended in a cloud

1:25:581:26:00

# And ascended in a cloud

1:26:001:26:03

# And ascended in a cloud. #

1:26:031:26:07

The old woman...

1:26:081:26:10

is a more formidable antagonist than one had imagined.

1:26:101:26:14

FOGHORN BLOWS

1:26:141:26:17

Now, Lump...

1:26:351:26:38

it falls to you to finish the job.

1:26:381:26:41

The...comedy must end.

1:26:431:26:45

You know, I-I've been doing some thinking, Professor.

1:26:451:26:50

-Oh, dear.

-Maybe we should be going to church...

1:26:501:26:55

Oh, dear Lump, I feared those would be your words.

1:26:551:26:58

I appreciate your giving the matter the benefit of your thought,

1:26:581:27:02

but recall, dear boy, our respective functions in this enterprise.

1:27:021:27:06

I am a professor. The professor, as you so often say. The thinker.

1:27:061:27:11

Trained in the arts of cogitation.

1:27:111:27:13

You are the goon, the hooligan, the dumb brute,

1:27:131:27:16

whose actions must be directed by a higher intelligence.

1:27:161:27:19

-I know, but...

-No buts!

1:27:191:27:21

Do not repeat the error of thinking. Now is the moment of praxis.

1:27:211:27:26

Now, Lump, you must act.

1:27:261:27:29

But I can't do it, Professor.

1:27:321:27:34

A nice old lady like that.

1:27:341:27:36

Think of the riches you and I alone shall divide.

1:27:361:27:39

-I know, but...

-And if you decline to act,

1:27:391:27:42

thus forcing me to do so,

1:27:421:27:44

you have no entitlement to the money.

1:27:441:27:46

Your offices shall have been nugatory.

1:27:461:27:50

You mean, you're gonna kill her?

1:27:501:27:53

Of course, yes. My hand shall be forced.

1:27:531:27:57

I can't allow you to do that, Professor.

1:27:571:28:00

HE CHUCKLES BREATHLESSLY You...

1:28:021:28:05

-Allow?

-Mmn-hmn.

1:28:051:28:08

Not allow?!

1:28:081:28:10

Mmn-hmm.

1:28:101:28:12

What presumption!

1:28:121:28:15

You...stupid boy!

1:28:151:28:17

You very...

1:28:171:28:19

..very, extremely stupid boy.

1:28:201:28:23

Oh, yeah?

1:28:231:28:25

Who looks stupid now?

1:28:251:28:28

GUN CLICKS

1:28:281:28:31

FOGHORN BLOWS

1:28:311:28:34

No bullets?

1:28:361:28:37

Praxis...

1:28:441:28:46

had to be thus.

1:28:461:28:49

Lo, in yon brilliant window niche

1:28:501:28:54

How statuelike I see thee stand.

1:28:541:28:57

HE GASPS A raven!

1:29:011:29:03

HE CHUCKLES

1:29:031:29:06

CAWS

1:29:061:29:09

FOGHORN BLOWS

1:29:091:29:11

The agate lamp within thy hand.

1:29:131:29:16

Ah, Psyche,

1:29:161:29:19

from the regions which...

1:29:191:29:23

are holy land.

1:29:231:29:26

CAWS

1:29:261:29:27

RIPPING

1:29:391:29:41

Huh?

1:30:191:30:20

Uh-huh.

1:30:261:30:27

Professor?

1:30:301:30:32

Mmn-mmn-mmn.

1:30:351:30:37

Couldn't face the music.

1:30:371:30:39

-We don't know what to do.

-< I'll check that.

-Tried that, too.

1:30:451:30:48

-HE STAMMERS

-Oh, er...

1:30:481:30:51

Er, Mrs Munson?

1:30:511:30:52

Gotta make a statement, Sheriff...

1:30:521:30:55

Ma'am, could it wait? We're kinda busy today.

1:30:551:30:57

Well, I suppose it could wait,

1:30:571:30:59

but it's about that casino money.

1:30:591:31:02

Let me call you back.

1:31:041:31:06

-You know something about it?

-Something? Everything!

1:31:061:31:09

-I got it at home.

-You got what at home?

1:31:091:31:12

The money! 1.6m.

1:31:121:31:15

-It's down in my root cellar.

-How'd it get there, Marva?

1:31:151:31:18

A bunch of desperate men stole it and put it there.

1:31:181:31:21

See, they was musicians

1:31:211:31:23

of the Renaissance period.

1:31:231:31:25

Turned out they really couldn't play.

1:31:251:31:27

But they could recite poems that'd break your heart.

1:31:271:31:31

The ringleader spoke in dead tongues.

1:31:311:31:34

-Does he now?

-I tried to get you to see him.

1:31:341:31:37

-That night.

-Yes, ma'am.

1:31:371:31:39

-I had to holler at him about stealin' all that money.

-Mmn-hmn.

1:31:391:31:42

I guess I made 'em feel real bad,

1:31:421:31:44

cos they just picked up and left without taking the money!

1:31:441:31:49

And they let Pickles out!

1:31:491:31:51

-HE GROANS

-So, you want us to come fetch him?

1:31:511:31:54

Oh, no, no. He's back.

1:31:541:31:56

-What you want me to do with the money?

-Wh...?

1:31:561:31:59

You keep it!

1:32:031:32:05

Why don't you keep it?

1:32:051:32:07

Keep it?

1:32:071:32:09

Go on, keep it, Miss Marva.

1:32:091:32:11

Well...

1:32:131:32:16

It is just a penny off of everybody's policy.

1:32:161:32:21

Could...?

1:32:241:32:26

-You don't suppose I could...?

-Yes, ma'am?

1:32:271:32:29

Could I just give it all to Bob Jones University?

1:32:311:32:35

Yeah!

1:32:411:32:43

That'd be nice.

1:32:431:32:45

Give it all to 'em!

1:32:451:32:47

That's a good idea!

1:32:471:32:49

As long as everybody knows.

1:32:561:32:59

# My Lord

1:33:001:33:02

# He's done just what he said... #

1:33:021:33:05

How you doin'?

1:33:051:33:07

# ..Let your light From the lighthouse

1:33:071:33:09

# Shine on me... #

1:33:091:33:11

SHE LAUGHS HAPPILY

1:33:111:33:14

-SHE GASPS

-Pickles!

1:33:161:33:18

Oh, Lord! Pickles!

1:33:181:33:20

# Shine on

1:33:201:33:22

# Let it shine on

1:33:221:33:25

# Let it shine on

1:33:251:33:28

# Let your light

1:33:281:33:30

# From the lighthouse

1:33:301:33:32

# Shine on me

1:33:321:33:34

# Shine on

1:33:341:33:36

# Let it shine on

1:33:361:33:39

# Let your light

1:33:391:33:41

# From the lighthouse

1:33:411:33:43

# Shine on

1:33:431:33:45

# I know I've got religion

1:33:451:33:48

# And I ain't ashamed

1:33:481:33:50

# Let your light

1:33:501:33:51

# From the lighthouse

1:33:511:33:54

# Shine on me

1:33:541:33:56

# Angels in heaven

1:33:561:33:58

# Done wrote my name

1:33:581:34:01

# Let your light

1:34:011:34:02

# From the lighthouse

1:34:021:34:04

# Shine on

1:34:041:34:06

# Let it shine on

1:34:061:34:09

# Let it shine on

1:34:091:34:12

# Let your light from the lighthouse

1:34:121:34:15

# Shine on me

1:34:151:34:17

# Shine on

1:34:171:34:19

# Oh, let it shine on

1:34:191:34:22

# Let your light from the lighthouse

1:34:221:34:25

# Shine on me...

1:34:251:34:27

-# Go, man, go!

-Shine on

1:34:351:34:39

-# All night long

-Shine on

1:34:391:34:41

# Shine, shine, shine...

1:34:411:34:44

-# You got to feel it

-Shine on

1:34:521:34:56

-# In your heart

-Shine on

1:34:561:34:59

-# You got to feel it

-Shine on

1:34:591:35:01

-# In your soul

-Shine on

1:35:011:35:03

-# You got to take His hand

-Shine on... #

1:35:031:35:06

Remake of the classic Ealing black comedy, this time set in Mississippi. God-fearing spinster landlady Marva Munson rents a room to G Higginson Dorr, a silver-tongued college professor. She gives him permission to use the basement for rehearsals with his 'Medieval music ensemble', but what Munson doesn't know is that Dorr's latest project is criminal rather than academic. When the landlady gets suspicious the ensemble decides to silence her.


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