The Matador

This programme contains strong language and scenes of a sexual nature

"It's 73 degrees on this beautiful morning."

"It's 6:59 in the am. Enjoy Mr Sunshine while you can."

"Accuweather is predicting thunderstorms tomorrow."

"So it's time to wake up and enjoy the day. Wake up."

"Wake up, Julian. Julian."

"Julian... (YELLS) Julian!"

(GASPS)

(RADIO) "The Sixth Avenue Freeway is tied up around Lincoln

"but 685 is looking just dandy in both directions."

(RADIO FADES)

(GROANS)

(EXHALES)

(CHUCKLES)

# "A Town Called Malice" - The Jam

-Hey, mister, is that your car?

-What?

The cool Porsche. You keep staring at it.

-Why don't you shoo?

-I don't want to shoo.

Didn't your mother tell you never to talk to strangers?

She's over there and says that I should talk to you.

-She did?

-Yeah.

She wants to know what you're doing here. She thinks you're cute.

I don't know anything about that car.

I'm only interested in your mother if she lost 20 pounds and 30 years.

So I'd like it if you got the fuck away.

-Whatever.

-Yeah, whatever. Goodbye. Scadoodle.

-See ya. Wouldn't wanna be ya.

-Smell ya. Shouldn't have to tell ya.

(EXPLOSION)

(CAR ALARMS WAIL)

(THUNDER)

(RADIO ON / RADIO OFF)

(THUNDER)

-Hi.

-Bean.

-You're up early.

-The thunder woke me up.

And I wanted to see you before you left.

-I'm gonna miss that.

-Me, too. I'm gonna miss everything.

It's only two nights.

With this weather and our luck, it scares me.

Honey, you know I've got to go

but I'm coming home to you in two days

with really good news, I promise.

-Hmm!

-Oh!

-Oh!

-Danny!

-Bean.

-Are you sure you have time?

Maybe not for dinner and a movie.

Oh! Danny.

(CRASH OF THUNDER)

-(CREAKING)

-Tree!

(THUNDER)

Still horny?

(LAUGHS)

(TANNOY) "Flight 421 to Salt Lake City has been delayed."

Danny. Danny!

-Oh.

-"Flight 072 has been cancelled."

-I'm so sorry, Phil.

-It's fine. Is Bean alright?

-Yeah.

-The fire department's over there.

Our crazy neighbours, the tyrannists...

She's fine. She practically forced me to get over here.

She knows what this job means.

Somebody has to pay for a new kitchen.

-Now, we better make this flight.

-Yeah. Yeah, we will.

-We have to.

-Hope the weather's better in Mexico.

-Mr Noble, how are you today?

-Couldn't be better.

But more importantly, how are you,...

..Genevive?

# Uno, dos, tres, cuatro

Gracias.

(SINGING IN SPANISH)

Buenas tardes.

Una margarita, por favor, con mucha sal.

(RATTLING)

(RATTLING BECOMES MORE DISTINCT)

Cerveza, por favor.

(SPEAKS SPANISH)

-(BOTH CONTINUE TO SPEAK SPANISH)

-Gracias.

My business is my pleasure.

-How are you doing?

-I'm... I'm a nervous wreck.

-Yeah, well, think positive.

-I'm sweating through my suit.

(GIRLS GIGGLE)

Hello, Julian.

-Getting some culture?

-Indeed.

Isn't she a tad pubescent, even for you?

-I'd make an exception for her.

-Did you study the assignment?

No, I shredded it. Then I humped the bellboy on the room-service cart.

Am I supposed to be shocked?

Adios.

(SPEAKS SPANISH)

I hate these Catholic countries.

All blushy-blushy. No sucky-fucky.

(CHUCKLES) Well, somehow, I think you'll find your way.

There's been a change of plans.

The portfolio has to be delivered sooner than we discussed.

-What are you saying?

-She's leaving for Europe tomorrow.

-I'm not a fucking magician.

-Get it done today.

-I almost forgot.

-Yeah?

Happy birthday.

Happy birthday?

Fuck!

(GUNSHOT)

-Incredible!

-What did they say?

(BOTH) "We shouldn't even need to think about it."

-That's good! Right?

-Yes, I think so.

Dos margaritas, por favor.

Phil, I think we did it.

I don't know why you were freaking out. You were remarkable.

-No, you were.

-No, you. It was you. (LAUGHS)

-No way they can't give us this job.

-You think that?

-I know.

-(YELLS)

-Yeah!

Shh. Give me two more.

(MUSIC PLAYS) "# Once a boy I know went to Mexico"

"# He knew just four words to tell his love"

-"# Yo te amo mucho"

-"# And that's that"

-"# Yo te amo mucho"

-"# And that's that"

-"# Yo te amo mucho"

-"# And that's that"

-"# Yo te amo mucho"

-"# And that's that"

"# Though his words were few"

"# Still the lady knew"

"# What this Brooklyn boy was dreaming of"

-"# Yo te amo mucho"

-"# And that's that"

-"# Yo te amo mucho"

-"# And that's that"

-"# Yo te amo mucho"

-"# And that's that"

-"# Yo te amo mucho"

-"# And that's that..."

(MUSIC FADES)

(LOUD THUD)

-"Hello."

-Eddie?

-"Yeah?"

-(CHUCKLES)

Hi, Eddie, you crazy limey bastard, it's me.

-"Who?"

-(CHUCKLES) Julian.

-"Who?"

Julian Noble from Portugal. Remember?

-"Who?"

-Julian Noble.

Yeah. I just thought I'd see how you're doing. It's my birthday.

(LINE GOES DEAD)

Eddie? Hello? (LINE CLICKS / DIAL TONE)

Hello. Is Cindy there?

Fuck it.

Now this smells like a party!

(APPLAUSE)

-Margarita, por favor.

-Si, senor.

You look like you could use one.

Hmm. Who couldn't?

I've had... (EXHALES)

..four, five maybe. I dunno. They're darn tasty.

Margaritas always taste better in Mexico.

-They certainly do.

-Margaritas and cock.

Gracias. And one for my friend over there.

-Er, no, no, no. That's...

-I'm not making a pass at you.

-I'm not worried. Thank you.

-If you're that type of guy...

-I don't mean to be rude but...

-I'm just messing with you.

I'm sorry about the cock comment. Kinda conversation stopper.

Kinda?

So, what are you doing in Mexico?

-Tell me something, erm...?

-Dan, Danny, Danny Wright.

Garrison & Wright.

-Tell me something, Danny Wright.

-Yes, sir.

Why the hell do you care why I'm in Mexico, huh?

-Why so interested?

-No reason, just...

-Hotel bar conversation, I guess.

-Are you with The Farm?

-(CHUCKLES) What's that?

-The Agency.

-What?

-Are you following me?

-No, no.

-I make you?

-I have no idea what you're talking-

-I fucking make you. Hmm?

OK, I'm gonna excuse myself.

-I have to go. Thank you.

-No, no, please...

No, I'm extremely tired.

-No, no, no, please.

-Thank you. It's OK.

I just get paranoid sometimes. I was wrong. Please. (SIGHS)

I'm drunk. I'm tired and I've been fornicating for the last two hours

and before that, I was doing shit, horrible business shit.

Please, come on. I was out of order.

Let's finish our drink. Come on. Here you go.

Here's your drink. Danny, here you go.

I mean, you seem like a nice guy. You know, a normal guy.

I'm sorry.

Really, it's alright.

So, are you in town on business?

Hmm? You have that way about you, Danny.

(IMITATES JULIAN) Why so interested?

(LAUGHS)

That was... (CHUCKLES)

-Very good.

-Yeah?

-Oh, I'm here on business.

-Is it going well?

Very well, I hope. My partner and I... He's upstairs.

We just had a very good pitch session.

-No shit.

-Very good.

-Oh, that's fantastic. That's great, Danny.

-I needed a day like this.

-I hear you.

-I've had a tough couple of years.

I was with this business out of Denver for nine years

and, out of the blue, they just...

-They laid me off.

-Oh.

-Yeah, just like that.

That was two and a half years ago. I've been struggling back since.

-And today you got back?

-Well, I hope.

Today, you're a man again.

Yeah.

And to be a man after they fuck you

and destroy your self-respect,...

..well, that is a great thing.

Thank you.

Dos margaritas, por favor.

-Are you married, Danny?

-Oh, yeah!

14 years.

-Let me guess, high-school sweetheart.

-It's true.

(BOTH CHUCKLE) Unbelievable! The fucking American dream, huh?

Well... What about you? What do you do for a living?

Any kids? You got kids, Danny?

-Oh, no, I crossed the line.

-No, no, you did not.

-No, I did.

-You did not cross the line. No.

-I'm sorry.

-It's fine. It's fine.

We lost our son three years ago.

It was a school bus accident.

14 children lived that day and one died.

That was Henry.

We had a bad run there for a while.

Two Mexicans walk into a cantina.

What?

Two Mexicans walk into a cantina. One is a midget.

-The other's dick is 15 inches long.

-W-W-What are you saying?

Changing the subject. The midget says to the bartender,

"They call my amigo the human swizzle stick. Know what they call me?"

-(SNIGGERS)

-This is incredible.

-What?

You're very rude.

-I'm trying to change the subject.

-Thank you for the drink.

Goodbye. Good night. Thank you.

Don't you want to hear the punch line?

It's a fucking good one. (LAUGHS)

Gracias.

# "Garbageman" - The Cramps

# You ain't no punk, you punk

# You wanna talk about the real junk?

# If I ever slip, I'll be banned

# Cos I'm your garbageman

# Well, if you can't dig me, you can't dig nothing

# Do you want the real thing or are you just talking?

# Do you understand?

# I'm your garbageman

# Yeah, something...

-Sure you don't wanna switch?

-No, get out of here.

-You have kids.

-You have a tree in your kitchen.

Want to flip another coin? Somebody's got to stay.

-I'll call the minute I hear.

-Call me sooner.

-Yeah.

-Oh, God!

-What?

-Cellphone. I left it at the desk.

-Watch my stuff.

-Yeah.

-So, you're staying an extra few days?

-What?

I couldn't help but overhear.

So, you're spying on my personal conversations now? Great(!)

Something about the asshole buyers not being completely convinced,

wanting to hear other pitches.

Sorry about that.

I knew things were too good to be true, anyway.

I'm sorry about the circumstances but I'm glad you're still in town.

It gives me an opportunity to say how embarrassed I am about last night.

You see... You see, the thing is...

..I liked you.

I kinda enjoyed talking to someone, you know. Just talking.

-Really?

-Yeah.

And yet...

..I tell you about my dead son and you mock it.

I lost my wife.

I was 24 years old. I was drunk.

-I ploughed our car into an oak tree.

-Jesus!

Since then, I've soiled my way through life.

I've been a magnificently cold moron.

I run away from anything that remotely resembles an emotion.

Thus, you tell me about your son,

I tell you a joke about a 15-inch schlong.

-So, you can forgive me, right?

-Got it!

-Better I remember it now than somewhere over Amarillo.

-Right.

-Alright, speak to you manana.

-Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

-It's gonna be alright.

-I know.

-OK.

Danny! Hey, hey, Danny, wait.

Hey, I've got an extra ticket to the bullfights this afternoon.

It would mean a great deal to me if you would join me.

Oh.

Thank you. Thank you very much. That's very nice of you.

And I... I can't. I can't. I have work.

On a Sunday afternoon? Never seen a bullfight?

No.

You haven't seen the real Mexico City until you've seen a bullfight.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Come on.

(DISTANT YELLING)

(ALL YELL) Ole!

Ole!

Ole!

Ole!

Ole!

Ole!

(CHEERING)

Ole!

Ole!

Bean is not gonna believe this. I can't wait to tell her.

(CHUCKLES) Where did you ever find a woman like that?

-A woman you can share everything with.

-She's pretty special.

You must be, too. I could learn from you.

Learn what? Do you want my mortgage, my blood pressure?

I've never had my blood pressure taken and I couldn't get a mortgage

for all the teenage twat in Thailand.

-You don't own a house?

-No house.

No apartment. No address.

-Are you bullshitting me?

-I shit you not.

-Monte Cristo?

Er, yeah. Thanks.

You don't have a permanent address? Where do you live?

-I live wherever I'm working.

-So, what do you do, Julian?

What do you possibly do? You don't have a permanent home or address.

I'd rather not say.

-Oh, my God, did you see that?

-Jeez, that's so bloody!

You're lucky. That matador was good.

-It's worse when they're mediocre.

-Why?

A great matador can kill the bull with one plunge of the blade.

A lesser one has to plunge that blade more than once.

That makes the crowd unhappy.

-They don't like to see the bull suffer.

-No.

No, no, they clearly care so very much about these animals.

They respect these beasts. They want them to die with honour.

Ridiculous. There's no honour in being killed by a man with a sword,

-whether it's one plunge or 20.

-You're wrong.

-You're very wrong. There is honour.

-How would you know?

I do.

-You're a mysterious man, Julian.

-Uh-huh.

-Yet you won't tell me what you do.

-It's confidential.

Confidential? Do you work for the government?

For the government? Please!

Do you know what they pay? Forget it. Watch the picadors.

-Are you a spy or something?

-You read too many novels, Danny.

Huh? You a spy?

Huh?

-(SIGHS)

-You're not gonna tell me. It's OK.

It's OK.

Alright.

-It's alright.

-If I tell you, will you keep your cool?

-What do you mean?

-I don't want you to lose your shit.

Lose my shit?

-My God, what are you gonna tell me?

-Sometimes...

-Sometimes, what?

-Sometimes...

..people need to be eliminated.

Oh, come on! (LAUGHS)

-What, you're a hit man?

-Oh, please. Please!

My handler calls me a facilitator.

-A facilitator of fatalities.

-That's insane!

-Think what you like.

You're one of the best bullshit artists I've met and I've met some.

You're absolutely right, Danny. My name's Earl Johnson.

I sell aluminum siding in Minneapolis.

You kill people for a living?

-I do what I'm asked to do, what makes sense to me.

-For, like, the mob?

I tend to be hired on the more, kind of, anonymous high-paying jobs.

Corporate gigs.

Corporate gigs?

I'm a great helper in getting deals closed.

-(LAUGHS) I don't believe you.

-I don't believe in the Easter Bunny.

I don't believe you for a second.

-Corporate gigs.

-Think what you will.

-That's ridiculous!

-Yes.

-Corporate gigs!

-Yes! My God.

I knew there was a reason I never told anyone what I did.

Uh-huh.

-See that guy over there?

-The fat man and little girl?

-Yeah.

Say I want him dead. I want him dead, his family dead. Right now.

-Right here.

-Now? Couldn't happen.

-I know but say that it could.

-Money's no object.

-OK.

-Are you sure you want to know?

-Yeah.

-You're sure?

Yeah, I want you to facilitate it.

-OK, Danny. Alright, come with me.

-Where?

-Let's go.

(ALL) Ole!

Ole!

Ole!

Ole!

I'm a big fan of the got-to-pee theory of assassinations.

-Got to pee?

-Everyone's got to pee.

-Ah.

-Now, ask me for a cigarette.

-What?

-Do it.

-Can I have a cigarette, please?

-Sure.

These things will kill you, you know. (CHUCKLES)

Now, look around.

(COUGHS) They're scary.

-Yes and no.

-Why?

They seem more interested in the women coming from the ladies' room.

That's good for us. Just like those men at the concession stand.

They're only interested in us if they see our wallets open.

No-one is watching the men's room.

-The got-to-pee theory.

-You're catching on.

-Now, escape routes.

-Escape routes?

-Don't get caught. It sucks.

-Right.

See the main exit? That's a traffic jam.

-Where else?

-You tell me.

OK, OK, that door over there if it weren't locked.

A Vietnamese girl I knew had her legs so locked together,

I couldn't get a whiff of her spring roll.

Two drinks, half a Quaalude later, I was at an all-you-can eat buffet.

Every lock can be broken.

It's just a matter of will. Whether it's worth it.

This looks like it's worth it.

-Cigarrillos, por favor.

-Why are we buying the cigarettes?

-Cos I want to smoke.

-Gracias.

-Come over here.

Now, do your shoe laces up.

What time's our flight to Florida, Seymour?

I think two o'clock, Derek.

Let's go, Seymour.

(BAND PLAYS)

(CROWD ROARS)

-Holy shit!

-(LAUGHS)

-Are you ready?

-Ready for what?

-You wanted to see what I do.

-Yes.

Yes, I've been watching but, you know...

Show-and-tell is over. The real deal's about to start.

-The real deal?

-Hmm.

-Show-and-tell is for sissies.

-Right.

-But a sissy I'm not.

-Oh, my God!

-Come on.

-My God! Fire!

-Are you crazy?

-It's a distraction. Fire or tits.

Either one will distract most cops.

-Ready to finish what we started?

-That was extremely dangerous.

-I think you proved your point.

-Baloney!

The cops may have gone to the fire. His bodyguard probably stood firm.

-Bodyguard?

-If I'm asked to kill a person, they always have a bodyguard.

-I slit the guard's throat.

-Christ!

Push him into the bathroom.

Now we set out for the kill.

-Where did you get the knife?

-He's not peeing.

-It must be number dos.

-Joke's over. Point made, Julian. Let's go.

-Not yet. It's not made.

-No, no, the point's made.

-Let's get out of here.

-Don't fucking ruin things! Don't.

OK. Julian...

-I'm asking you to stop this!

-No way. Job's not done.

-It's not a job!

-You said money was no object.

# Bingo was his name-o # This is what you wanted.

-No.

-You helped me.

-I didn't help you.

-Yes, you did!

-Yes, you did.

-No.

Oh, God, no!

Oh! Disculpa, por favor. Lo siento.

Fun, eh? (LAUGHS)

Come on. (CHUCKLES)

-Whoo-hoo! That was incredible.

-(LAUGHS)

-You scared the hell out of me!

-Like that?

-Oh!

-I really thought it.

-What, that I'd stab a stranger?

-I don't know.

-Just like that?

-(LAUGHS) A complete stranger?

-Yes! Yes, I did.

-I'm not psychotic, Danny.

-I know.

-Psychopathic but not psychotic.

-I don't think you're psychopathic.

I kill people. Doesn't that seem a wee bit psychopathic?

-Yeah, but you know...

-Don't get the wrong impression.

Just because we shared a laugh doesn't mean I'm not unsavoury.

No, no, what you do is unsavoury.

You know what they say. You are what you do.

-Gracias.

-Gracias.

Tell me,...

..will Bean stay with you if this job doesn't come through?

What?

Will Bean stay with you if you continue this losing streak?

-If she ever left me, I'd fall apart.

-You're not answering my question.

To be quite honest,...

..I don't know how much faith the woman has left in her.

(EXHALES) Hey.

Hey.

-Comforting me?

-(CHUCKLES)

-Let's change the subject, please.

-I agree.

-Something sunnier.

-Sunnier!

Absolutely! There was something I wanted to talk to you about.

-It's a favour.

-Sure.

-It's a pretty big favour.

-It's OK.

See,... the thing is, I could use your help.

-Help in, what?

-I'm down here.

-I finished my other job early so I let it be known.

-Let it be known?

Yeah, to the powers that be, that I was available.

-The powers that be?

-Yeah. They called me up.

-An urgent thing. Has to happen today.

-Another job?

-Uh-huh.

-Jesus Christ!

The things is, I could really use your help.

Oh!

-You're kidding right now.

-I'm as serious as an erection problem.

-I mean, I...

-Gracias.

-I can't help you, Julian.

-You could.

I could but I can't. I'm not gonna help you kill an innocent man.

-Who says he's innocent?

-Ridiculous.

-Just assist.

-No!

-You just have to -

-I'm not listening.

-I can't hear you. I can't hear you. (CHATTERS)

-You're being childish.

-Ooga-shacka.

-You're being childish.

-Not listening.

-You're being childish. All I'm asking...

-Da, da-da, da, da.

Alright, alright. I won't tell you.

-Good.

-I won't mention it.

-Great.

-Just trip on the street next to him.

-I can't believe you.

-Trip so his bodyguards look away.

No way.

-50,000. That's what I've got.

-No!

-That's a lot of money. Cash.

-It could be real interesting.

-No. I said no.

-He's a real prick.

I don't give a darn who he is or what he did or anything.

I'm not gonna help you, Julian. I'm not gonna do that.

If you bring it up again, I'll leave.

-Fine.

-Fine.

-Change the subject.

-You.

-Change it.

-You.

-Fine.

-OK.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be a cheerleader.

-Really, a cheerleader?

-Yeah.

I wanted to be thrown in the air and march in the band.

-Seriously?

-Uh-huh.

That's so funny. My brother-in-law is a male cheerleader -

Jesus Christ, I'm fucking kidding! I didn't want to be a cheerleader.

All I want to do with cheerleaders is shower with them.

I want to talk about what I wanted to talk about.

There's nothing to talk about.

Well, then, it was nice knowing you.

Oh, Julian! Come on! What, are you just leaving?

I've got business to attend to.

-I really thought...

-Nothing. Think nothing.

Just consider me the best cocktail-party story you ever met.

Bye, Danny.

Julian!

(PHIL) "Unfortunately, I was right."

"I got in touch with Alejandra. She said her bosses are leaning

towards Cardenas and his group and not us."

"Things might break in our favour. Their instinct was to go with us

but they're getting intense pressure to sign with a Mexican company."

"I'm trying to get Antonia so I can set up one more meeting tomorrow."

"I'll call when I hear something. Hang in there. It's not over yet."

-(ANSWER PHONE BEEPS)

-"Es el fin de sus mensajes."

(KNOCK AT DOOR) 'Danny.'

'Danny, it's Julian.'

'Danny, I just want to say I'm sorry.'

'I know it's late and I'm a little fucked up but I'm sorry.'

I'm a mess. I'm a fucker! (CHUCKLES)

Look, I shouldn't have asked you to help me.

I infringed... I infringed on your kindness.

But please, let me tell you I'm sorry.

'Let me apologise.'

'Can't you see how guilty I feel?'

'Danny! Danny!'

(GLASS SHATTERS)

# "It's Not Unusual" - Tom Jones

Oh, yeah, yeah! Oh, yes.

# It's not unusual to be loved by anyone

(DOG GROWLS)

# It's not unusual to have fun with anyone

# But when I see you hanging about with anyone

# It's not unusual to see me cry

# I wanna die

# It's not unusual to go out at any time

# But when I see you out and about

# It's such a crime

# If you should ever wanna be loved by anyone

# It's not unusual, it happens every day

# No matter what you say

(BELL CHIMES)

(GENTLE CLASSICAL MUSIC)

Hello, Julian.

Getting some culture?

-Any time I can.

-You look tired.

-I am. I need a break.

-What are you saying, Julian?

Moscow, Las Vegas, Vienna, the Philippines.

-Now Budapest. I'm exhausted.

-You know what it's like.

You take a break, we go with a younger, cheaper kid.

He does alright and then maybe we don't want you back.

-You'll always want me.

-No, no, not always.

Not if we can save a few dollars.

Not if it gets sloppy again, like in Manila.

-That was one time.

-It made some people nervous.

-It made me nervous.

-That's why I need a break.

I don't want that to happen again.

-It can't.

-I know, that's what I'm saying. I'm feeling burnt out.

I'm feeling... shaky.

Can you believe this shit, the words coming out of my mouth?

-Did you ever think you'd live to see the day?

-I never thought you would.

There's not a retirement home for assassins, is there?

Archery at 4:00. Riflery at 5:00. Early-bird dinner at 6:00.

Goddamn it, you leave the game, even for a while,

I don't know if they'll let you back in. Then what are you gonna do?

Waste your days picking up illiterate teenagers

for suck-and-fuck sessions?

-Sounds delightful to me.

-Julian, do this job.

-If you don't, you'll regret it. I promise you that.

-How do you know?

Just do it, Julian. Please do it. OK?

(GASPS)

(PANTS)

(GUNSHOT)

(BELLS CHIME)

We have a problem, Mr Randy.

The problem is Julian Noble.

It seems he didn't deliver the portfolio.

You know, it says it took 53 years to paint this ceiling.

People are upset, Mr Randy.

Mr Stick is upset.

-Mr Stick knows?

-Mr Stick knows.

Well, he knows we can fix it.

-I'm just the messenger.

-But he knows we can fix it.

-We always fix any problems.

-You can't fix it with Noble.

Ladies.

Alright, I'll replace him.

No. Yes.

You'll replace him but, no.

Mr Stick has asked for other things.

No, it's ridiculous. Julian's been with us for 22 years.

-Two little mistakes...

-Julian Noble is a dead man.

-(GRUNTING) Oh, yeah!

-(DRYER RUMBLES)

-That's it, Danny.

-Oh, yeah!

-That's my Danny boy.

-Oh, yeah!

(MOANS)

Oh, Danny boy. Oh!

-(GRUNTS)

-(MOANS)

(SIGHS) Excellent.

-(LOUD BUZZING / DRYER STOPS)

-Laundry's done.

Tomorrow's four years.

I know.

It's such a long time when you think about it.

It seems like yesterday, right?

Henry was alive.

Here.

When I was in high school, I told you they made fun of me.

They called me Hippo Hips and Plate Of Beans, the works.

Even though I did basketball and chorus

and I had a few friends, and I acted strong,... I never was.

Because I believed them, always, every last cruel word.

And I... I always thought I would believe them.

Until I met you.

You arrived in 12th grade.

And you told me that I was pretty.

For the first time, I believed that.

You told me that I was sexy.

You were sexy back there on the dryer.

And when Henry died,

you told me to stay strong...

..and that we would get through it.

And we did.

We did.

-Because you never gave up on me.

-I never could.

I never will.

(DOORBELL CHIMES)

Who could that be at 11:30 at night?

(DOORBELL CHIMES)

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

-(THUDDING AT DOOR)

-Yeah?

-'Danny Wright?'

-Yes. Who's there?

'Danny, Danny!'

Danny with the large white fanny!

-Julian!

-'Would you mind opening up, Danny?'

'It's freezing out here. My balls are like bonbons.'

(LAUGHS)

I was praying you'd remember me. It's been a spell.

-(CHUCKLES)

-Please, come on in.

-Thank you. Thank you.

(CHUCKLES)

-Hey!

-I decided to...

-How did you find me?

-I found a whore with a heart of gold once.

I can certainly find Danny's card in my address book. (CHUCKLES)

-Oh, excuse me. I didn't realise.

-It's OK.

You must be Bean.

My wife.

Oh, this...

My boots...

-I've heard so much about you.

-And me you.

There's no doubt you're every bit as lovely as Danny said. (CHUCKLES)

Danny! I always said you were the luckiest man I ever met.

Well...

What are you doing here, Julian?

I really don't know. I don't know.

I hope it's alright my being here. I guess it's the middle of the night.

-Yes.

-Well...

I could sure use some coffee. Just a cup.

Yes, alright.

-I can get some coffee.

-That'd be great.

-Or maybe some whiskey.

-That's even better.

-Mmm!

-Tonight's a night for whiskey.

-And song and dance.

Well, whiskey at least.

This is really odd. Really, really odd.

-I could ask him to leave.

-We just asked him to stay.

-We could change our minds.

-Why? Do you think he's dangerous?

He's an assassin, Bean. Of course he's dangerous.

But I mean dangerous dangerous. You said he was a nice guy.

He is. For an assassin, he's very nice.

Fuck!

Fuckity fuck!

What? I'm allowed to curse. Especially now. If not now, when?

True.

This is the fucking perfect time to be fucking cursing.

There's a fucking killer standing in our fucking living room.

Do you think he would show me his gun?

A toast, maybe?

To a stranger arriving in the middle of the night.

-Well, you're not a stranger.

-No, I'm pretty strange.

Be that as it may, you're not a stranger, Julian. Far from it.

The toast really should be to you, Danny.

And to you, Bean.

For your hospitality and your warmth.

-(COUGHS)

-(CLEARS THROAT / CHUCKLES)

-I never thought I'd see you again.

I never thought I'd see you again, Danny.

Well, things...

Things change.

They just change.

Is that...?

-You saved it.

-I did.

-You saved it. I can't believe it.

-He still talks about that all time.

-No. It's...

-It touches me that you kept it.

-How could I not?

-That was a special day.

-Yes.

-So, Danny told you what I did?

Professionally?

Did you bring your gun?

Yes, as a matter of fact.

-May I see it?

-Really?

-Yes, please.

-He's not just gonna...

-Here you go.

-OK.

-That a .38?

-Yes, it is.

-You know your guns, Bean.

-Yes, well...

-My God! You are a magnificent woman.

-(CHUCKLES)

Bean knows a lot of things about a lot of things.

Bean, tell me,

did Danny tell you everything about our time in Mexico together?

Yes, I'm sure. Why?

Oh.

My God, you look great, Danny. (CHUCKLES) Really great.

-You do, too, Julian.

-No, no.

I look like a Bangkok hooker the morning after the Navy left town.

But you, life's been good to you, am I right?

-Pretty good, yeah.

-Your work?

-You have that respect you wanted back again?

-I do.

-Yeah?

-So, you got that job in Mexico?

-We did.

And your luck? It's better, right? No more trees in the kitchen?

-(ALL LAUGH)

-You told him about that?

And you love Bean more than ever.

-That I do.

-Then, what more could you want?

Here's a toast. To a man with respect again.

To a woman who's more lovely than any man deserves.

And to me. (GLASSES CHINK)

-What is the toast to you for?

-Toast to a dead man, Bean.

Toast to a dead man.

About three months ago, I had this job in Manila.

Normally, this would make me happy. I like the hot climate.

Guys look like chicks. It's fucking fantastic.

The thing was, I was burnt out. I didn't know it.

I didn't know what burnt out meant at the time. But I was.

I was a classic textbook case.

'I was having panic attacks, completely losing control of myself.'

'I tried to counter this with booze, of course, but nothing was working.'

'I drank and drank and...'

'Nothing! I was still feeling edgy.'

'Still feeling like my head was going to explode.'

'So I moved on to my other usual diversions,

a wonderful little whorehouse I knew right off of Robini Street.'

'That wasn't working either. And a good fuck usually does.'

-Excuse my French.

-Go on.

So I had this assignment. Nothing special.

Some copper-wire executive someone doesn't want around. My usual gig.

Well, I knew that this copper-wire guy

always came to a little outdoor market every Thursday to buy fruit.

'The guy liked his fruit.'

'It was a simple plan.'

'As he walks through the crowds, I bump into him and stab him.'

'The thing was, I was still a mess.'

'Every time I looked at the guy, I didn't see him,

but I saw a little boy instead.'

'And it wasn't just any boy.'

'It was me.'

Me as a child.

Freaky shit, right?

'Real nervous-breakdown sort of stuff.'

'I still readied the knife, I still prepared for the job but...'

'I couldn't do it. I just couldn't do it.'

-Then what happened?

-I woke up in a pile of donkey shit.

'I fainted.'

I guess I landed in a pile of donkey shit.

(BRAYING)

And since then, it's been extremely hot and cold.

Some jobs go OK, others not so OK.

A few weeks ago, I fucked up again in Budapest.

Froze right at the moment I should've been firing.

I didn't finish the job. And that was that.

Now it's just a matter of time.

Well, isn't there somebody that you can talk to?

Like Mary Beth in Human Resources?

Come on, this is insane. They're gonna kill you for botching a job?

-Uh-huh.

-Well, can't you just say to them,

"You know what? I'm sorry. I was a little burnt out

and I'm a little messed up." Can't you do that?

But you were seeing images of yourself as a small boy.

If that's not a Freudian meltdown, I don't know what is.

-Certainly they have to see that.

-No, they don't. They don't.

I mean, I'd be dead today

if my handler hadn't tipped me off on the company plans.

I barely got out of Budapest alive.

And how did you end up here, in Denver?

It's funny.

Some people run home in a time of crisis.

My problem, the problem I shared with Danny in Mexico,

is that I don't have a home.

I mean,... that's why I'm here.

-You're the only friend I have.

-Oh!

But that's ridiculous. You have... You have friends.

I don't. I really don't.

You're it. (LAUGHS)

It's fucking crazy, right?

You're my only friend and I barely know you. (LAUGHS)

This home...

Your home...

It's the only home I know.

'God, she's really fantastic, Danny.'

She's lovely.

-She's everything to me.

-Yeah, you said that in Mexico.

I nodded and listened.

But now I see.

I see.

You were right.

You told her everything that happened in Mexico?

I told her about our time together, yes.

And where does that story end?

She knows the last I heard of you you were knocking on my hotel room

asking forgiveness for trying to involve me in a job.

That's what you said,

that I knocked and knocked and you never answered?

Yes.

Gentlemen.

-I'm a bit drunk.

-(CHUCKLES)

That's a nice place to be.

Julian, you will stay the night of course.

Thank you, Bean. I promise I'll be out of here tomorrow.

Let's not talk about that now. You know, I don't think

I've been up with a guest until 2:30 in the morning in a long time.

-It's good, right?

-Oh, it's very good.

-Hey, can I turn on your stereo?

-Sure. Now?

I saw a record I wanted to hear, In The Wee Small Hours Of The Morning,

since we're in the wee small hours of the morning.

-Is that OK?

-Certainly, I guess.

# "In The Wee Small Hours Of The Morning" - Dave Van Norden

-Danny

-Hmm?

I hope you approve, but I'd really like to ask your wife to dance.

Julian, you have had too much to drink.

Bean, please, may I have this dance?

# In the wee small hours of the morning

# While the whole wide world is fast asleep

# You lie awake

# And think about the girl

# And never ever think of counting sheep

# When your lonely heart has learned its lesson

# You'd be hers if only she would call

# In the wee small hours of the morning

-# That's the time...

-Bravo!

-(CHUCKLES)

-Bravo!

I learned to dance in a South American jail by a man named Morales.

Anyway, that's another story. Another time.

A final nightcap.

I can't think of the headache I'm gonna have. Then don't.

Or do. Take three aspirins and a raw egg before you go to bed.

Where did you hear that one, The Assassin's Book Of Home Remedies?

(ALL LAUGH)

The only woman I ever loved, my mother.

-What about your wife?

-Hmm?

My wife?

Danny told me that she died in a car accident. You loved her.

Oh, my God! I can't believe this!

(SIGHS) I was never married.

-I can't believe this.

-There wasn't a car accident?

-No.

I'd been insensitive about your son. I was trying to win Danny over.

-It was juvenile, stupid.

-I'm the one that was stupid.

No. You're not stupid. I'm a prick.

It's me, not you.

I could've kept lying to you but I chose not to as a sign of respect

-because, well, now we're friends.

-Oh!

We are friends, aren't we?

So, what other bullshit did you pour over me?

Are you even a hit man, Julian?

A facility fatalitator, whatever the fuck you call yourself.

Yes, I am. To answer you question, Danny.

I lie when I need to, tell the truth when I can.

With you,... it's mostly been the truth.

Shall I go?

-No.

-No.

(LAUGHS) Aren't we fucking cosmopolitan?

Having a trained assassin stay over the night.

Letting heartbreaking lies

just roll over us like the summer breeze.

Next, we shall be wife swapping.

You don't have a wife, remember?

(BOTH LAUGH)

(LAUGHS)

That's a good point.

(WHISPERS) Danny.

Danny.

-(LOUDER) Danny.

-Oh! I want chicken.

Come on. I've got to talk to you.

-What is it? What do you want?

-I can't talk about it here.

-What?

-Come on.

OK, Julian. We're in your rent-a-car. What is it?

The thing is, Danny, the thing I didn't tell you,...

..the thing that I omitted because Bean was present,

was that I've been offered a way out of my fatal predicament.

-Well, that's good.

-I know. I know.

-No, that's really good. What is it?

My handler, Mr Randy, contacted me like he always does

with an ad in the International Tribune for cat-sitters in Bali.

Is that how you stay in contact, cat-sitter ads?

-Yeah.

-OK, you know, this is ridiculous.

-I'm so tired, Julian.

-He contacted me four days ago.

Basically, he said he'd been to the higher-ups and got me a reprieve.

Well, like I said, that's great news.

The thing is,... he's asked me to do one more job.

-I have no choice. It's do the job or else.

-Alright.

That brings us to the dirty little problem.

Alright.

What's the problem?

It's a pretty big problem. and you're not going to like it.

-I'm not going to like it?

-Not at all.

Because the job involves you.

You're not saying what I think you're saying.

What do you think I'm saying?

You know what I think you're saying.

No. I don't think I know what you think I'm saying.

Does somebody want me dead?

-No.

-What's that?

-No-one wants you dead, Danny.

-Jesus!

-(WHIMPERS) You got your gun cocked.

No, no.

You were doing that.

-I need your help in facilitating a fatality.

-What?

-I need your help.

-No, my help is exactly what you don't need.

I'm a mess, Danny. I'm a complete mess.

I don't know if I can this job by myself.

Talk to somebody else, a colleague.

-I don't know any colleagues.

-You must.

-I don't.

Well, I can't help you.

-I know you're not the ideal candidate.

-Ideal?

I'm far, far from ideal, Julian.

Remember my reaction last time you proposed something this asinine?

I was trying to show you a good time.

-Killing somebody is a good time?

-Can be.

-I'm going to sleep.

-Danny, come on.

-You don't need a second person.

-You've done these things yourself.

-Some jobs are better with two men.

I think it's better if the second man isn't scared shitless

and unprepared and unqualified and uninterested.

-I'm going to go to bed, Julian.

-I'm in a very dangerous position.

I'm in no shape to try this myself.

An assassin without confidence is a horrible thing.

It's like a relief pitcher who fumbles the ball.

Please tell me you know you mixed two sports in your metaphor.

I can't do that.

Danny, please! I need your help. Someone's going to die.

A stranger or me, which would you rather?

Look, if I can do the job successfully, I'm free and clear.

Free and clear.

I can retire to a beautiful Greek island with beautiful Greeks.

-Heaven awaits me if you and I do this job.

-I can't

-Damn it, Danny! You're my only friend.

-Oh, Julian!

-It's true.

And... Oh!

-And, what?

-And...

(SIGHS)

You owe me.

If this were to happen, when would it take place?

Today, at the horse races.

-Today?

-Yeah, Arizona.

-No, that couldn't happen.

-Sorry, no choice.

No, today is the four-year anniversary of my son Henry's death.

-We go to the cemetery.

-What time does the cemetery close?

I don't know.

We'll have you back here 4:30, flowers in hand, I promise.

Oh, you will? How will you do that, Julian?

We have a 7:40 plane reservation to Tucson this morning.

-Plenty of time to catch the 2:30 back.

-We do?

-I made it yesterday.

First class. Real fancy.

Chop-chop. Upstairs. Get dressed. Make a story up to Bean.

We've got to get this road on the show, eh? Danny.

# "Heat Of The Moment" - Asia

# I never meant to be so bad to you

# One thing I said that I would never do

# A look from you and I would fall from grace

# And that would wipe the smile right from my face

# Do you remember when we used to dance?

# And incidents arose from circumstance

# One thing led to another, we were young

# And we would scream together songs unsung

# It was the heat of the moment

# Telling you what your heart meant

# The heat of the moment

# Shone in your eyes

(YAWNS)

# Heat of the moment (ALARM)

# Telling you what your heart meant

-# Heat of the moment...

-I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I-I...

I did it. I did it.

I leaned against that. I was yawning and I apologise.

Agh! Turn it off. I'm sorry.

Bingo.

(TRUMPET PLAYS FANFARE)

(CROWD CHEERS)

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

(WHISPERS) Julian?

Hey, Julian.

Julian?

Julian!

Julian?

Hey.

What the hell is going on?

Julian.

You dragged me out to Arizona, to the goddamn horse races,

to do this job, right?

To do this job, this one last job.

To kill somebody that I don't even know

so you can live your life with Greeks.

(MIMICS JULIAN) "Beautiful Greeks, Danny."

I do everything perfectly. Not you. Me. Did you see me?

I was brilliant! You had a clean shot and you don't take it?

-What's going on?

-I've lost it, Danny.

They're gonna kill you, Julian.

-But I've lost it.

-That's an unacceptable answer.

-But it's the truth.

-Oh, jeez!

Hey, concentrate here, OK? I need you to concentrate.

Look at me, Danny, look at me. I'm a wreck. I'm a parody.

You've got to go up there and finish this job.

No, no, no, just leave me alone. Please just forget everything.

I can't believe I'm in a stairwell

trying to convince you to assassinate somebody!

Just go. Just go, Danny. Just go. Go.

No.

-No, we're gonna do this.

-I can't.

-Julian, you have to.

-You have to, OK?

-If you don't, they're gonna kill you, understand?

-Yeah. Understand?

And I won't let that happen.

Huh? I refuse to let that happen. How about that?

We're gonna go up there together. I'm gonna talk you through it.

I'll talk you through it. You are gonna do the job you came to do.

OK?

OK? Alright?

-Huh?

-Yeah.

-Huh?

-Yeah, OK.

-OK.

-OK.

-Alright, up, up, up, up, up.

There you go. OK?

-You're gonna stay up there with me?

-Oh, yes.

-You're gonna talk me through it?

-That's right.

-Thank you.

-Alright, then.

-Let's go kill this motherfucker and get the hell out of here.

-OK.

(CHEERLEADERS) Go, Julian! (CHEERING)

Thank you.

No, really, I mean it.

I was a mess back there. You helped me.

You helped me a lot.

You know, I think can handle the deviant Julian.

I can handle the lying Julian. I can even handle the killing Julian.

I just don't know if I can handle the humble-pie Julian.

(CHUCKLES)

Well, enjoy it. It won't last.

That's a given.

Really, it's no problem.

You said it yourself. I owed you.

Do you think if you hadn't opened the door in Mexico City

we'd be sitting on this plane?

Probably not.

'(KNOCK AT DOOR)' 'I just want to say I'm sorry.'

I know it's late and I'm a little fucked up but I'm sorry.

'Can't you see how guilty I feel?'

'Danny! Danny!'

-Hold on, Julian. I'm coming.

-(GLASS SMASHES)

I don't know what I'll do if I don't get this job.

You're sure if I kill this Cardenas guy, you'll get the contract?

-He's our only competition.

-And you can live with that?

Yeah.

You can live with blood on your hands?

Isn't that what people do?

Don't people,... successful people,

always live with blood on their hands?

'You became my friend that night, Julian.'

You became my lifelong friend.

I'm not gonna do it for you.

You're making a late-night, exhausted, desperate decision.

If I did it, you would regret it instantly

and feel nothing but guilt and shame for the rest of your life.

I'm so scared, Julian.

Guys like you, you think you have no luck,...

..but you have all the luck in the world.

You just need to see it. She's at home waiting for you.

If I did that job for you,

your luck would run bad for the rest of your days.

You don't want me to do it. You're not that type of person.

That's why I like you. (LAUGHS) You're the exact opposite of me.

'You surprised me that night.'

I surprised myself.

Well, I guess your boss must be satisfied, right?

You completed the assignment. No longer on the hit list.

I'm no longer on the hit list but I didn't do any assignment.

I don't understand.

I thought your boss wanted you to do this job.

My boss, Mr Stick,...

..he was the job.

You mean, we just killed...

We killed the man who wanted to kill me. Problem solved.

You...

(CHUCKLES)

-You sonofabitch!

-Among many other things.

-Don't ever hit me again.

-Sorry.

-(CHUCKLES)

# When there's nowhere else to run

# Is there room for one more son

# One more son

# If you can hold on

# If you can hold on

# Hold on

# I wanna stand up

# I wanna let go

# You know, you know, no, you don't, you don't

# I wanna shine on in the hearts of men

# I want a meaning from the back of my broken hand

# Another head aches

# Another heart breaks

# I am so much older than I can take

# And my affection

# Well, it comes and goes

# I need direction to perfection, no, no, no, no

# Help me out, yeah

# You know, you got to help me out

# Yeah

# Oh, don't you put me on the backburner

# You know, you got to help me out

# Yeah #

# "El Matador" - Los Fabuloso Cadillacs

(SINGING IN SPANISH)