Up in the World

# I've a feeling of being so up in the world

# When I'm walking out with you

# Up in the world is the feeling I get

# Even talking about you

# I pray I've made a good impression

# You're my obsession

# Forever

# Let our hearts take flight together

# Up in the world! #

What's going on?! Someone's blocked up my window!

Bloody Nora! I can't see a thing!

CACOPHONY

Morning. Morning.

Morning.

Push it.

-Well?

-Harper says the window cleaner in Banderville Park has had an accident - as arranged.

-Good.

Lady Banderville will cough up 50,000.

-She'll cough up anything to get her boy back.

-We ain't got him yet.

-We shall.

-The place is guarded like a ruddy prison. You need a pass.

-The new window cleaner will get one.

-That job comes up at the labour exchange tomorrow. Who's going for it?

-You are.

-Suppose somebody beats me to it.

-Don't let someone beat you to it.

-I'm having that job.

-Who says so?

-I did.

Who wants a job, anyway?

What's this queue for?

-Nothing.

-Oh, yeah?

Thanks for keeping my place. You can have yours back now.

Who are you pushing and shoving? You all make me so wild!

All right. Come on.

ALL: Hey!

So you couldn't even get a job as a window cleaner.

-I was double-crossed, Mick. But if I get my hands on that little...

-Forget it.

-What happens now?

-So another window cleaner meets with an accident.

KNOCK ON DOOR Come in.

-Morning. They sent me here.

-From the labour exchange?

-Yeah.

Window cleaner for Banderville Park.

-Last job?

-Well, to do with windows.

Reason for leaving?

-Er... Resigned.

-Yeah.

I handle security for Lady Banderville. Every member of staff has to be vetted by me.

-She's obsessed that her son, little Sir Reginald, will be kidnapped.

-I wouldn't do that!

-The last one who tried is in prison. Have you got a photograph of yourself?

-What for?

For your pass. You'll need one to get in and out of Banderville Park.

-I haven't got one.

-We'll do that later.

-What are you doing?!

-I've got to put your fingerprints on the pass.

Now, do your four fingers.

No! No!

-I mean the forefingers of each hand.

-Oh!

No! No! No.

You don't understand.

Look. That's a forefinger.

The index finger. Stick that on.

Marvellous(!)

Give me your hand.

Put YOUR finger on the pad.

On the pad!

That's right.

Now press it on the card.

Well, that will do very nicely.

Very well. You may go.

I'm sorry. I'm...

Er...

Yoo-hoo!

ELECTRICAL CRACKLE

BELL RINGS

DOGS BARK

ALARM BLARES

ALARM STOPS

Afternoon.

Off with you before I give you this!

What happened? That, sir.

And what is that?

I'm Norman, the new window cleaner.

-You should have been here at nine!

-Why? What happened?

-..Your pass.

I'm not getting caught again!

Admit him.

Jump to it!

All right, men. Dismissed!

Report to my office forthwith.

-Who's that on the horse?

-Major Willoughby, the estate manager.

-Where's his office?

-Along the drive.

-Very far?

-About three miles.

What time is the next bus, then?

< CAR HORN BEEPS

Milady.

< BICYCLE BELL RINGS

Good afternoon, Jeannie. Afternoon, Tom.

Was that her ladyship? Aye.

Och, I know you well enough. Bye.

-Who's that dreadful-looking man?

-Don't know, milady.

Drive on.

Hey!

-HE WHISTLES

-Oi! What about a lift?

GUNSHOT

-Did it hurt?

-Did it hurt(?)

-Can't catch me!

-I'll give you "did it hurt"!

HE WHOOPS

I'll give you whoo-whoo!

Help! Let me down!

Help!

Let me down! Go on. Let me down!

-You look better upside down!

-Oh!

Oh! Help!

Oh, no! >

Let me down! >

Is anybody about?! Help! >

Hey! Hey!

-Well, hello.

-Good afternoon, miss.

-Whatever are you doing?

-Hanging around.

-Admiring the view?

-It swept me off me feet.

-I won't disturb you.

-Don't go! I'm stuck up here.

-Who are you?

-Norman, the new window cleaner. A little boy...

-I can guess.

-Let's see.

-If you can push me up,

I could get me feet loose...

AAGH!

-Are you all right?

-Yes, thank you.

Thank you.

-When I get my hands on that little devil...

-You know who that little devil is.

-No. Who?

-Sir Reginald.

-He's Sir Re..? He ought to be kidnapped!

-He's not so bad really.

-I hope Harold's all right.

-Harold?

-Whatever's that?

-He won't hurt you.

-He's Harold, my hamster.

-He's darling.

-He's nice, isn't he?

He's my mate.

He's taken quite a fancy to you.

Well...I think we'd better get up to the house.

-I'll leave you here.

-You've been very kind.

-I hope I see you again.

-You will. I work here.

-What's your name?

-Jeannie.

-Hurry. The major doesn't like to wait.

-I'm not afraid of him.

Give your windows a good spit and polish.

I'm gonna need an awful lot of spit!

-Bye.

-Bye.

KNOCK ON DOOR > Come in.

Well, I got here!

-Sir!

-Just call me Norman.

Stand to attention. Thumbs in line with the seam of the trousers!

Atten-tion! ..That's better.

-You may be aware Lady Banderville has a son.

-I'm aware.

-A fine boy.

The apple of his mother's eye. And remember...

-Sir Reginald is always right.

-Even if..?

-Sir Reginald is always right!

The ladder house and the equipment therein are your responsibility.

Ladders must be locked away... to keep intruders out, and keep Sir Reginald in.

Follow my example and Sir Reginald will respect you, as he respects me.

Now, the key to the ladder house.

Sir Reginald is always right!

Right!

-Keep to the path. The ladder house is in front of the trees.

-Right!

PHONE RINGS

Hello. ..Yes, milady.

Sir Reginald says that Saturday will be our first football match.

Yes, your ladyship. Splendid. < WHISTLING

Hey, Major!

Major!

Will you excuse me a moment, your ladyship? Thank you.

Hey! Major!

-Sssh! What?

-There's a hole in this bucket, and I need a new leather!

We'll attend to it in the morning!

-And another thing...

-Stop shouting and go away!

And keep off the grass!

Yes, your ladyship.

WHISTLING Yes, your ladyship. Yes indeed.

Hey! Major! Major!

Will you forgive me once more, your ladyship? Thank you.

-< WHISTLING

-Hey!

What about water? Where's the tap?

At the back of the ladder house. And STOP SHOUTING!

And KEEP OFF THE GRASS!

Hey! Major! Major! MAJOR!

Yes?

Thank heaven she's gone!

'I'm still here. Are you? Hello?'

-'Hello?'

-Yes, your ladyship.

MAJOR! MAJO-OR!

CRASHING Will you excuse me, your ladyship?

-Now what?

-I left me cap up there. Chuck it down, will you?

-Your cap!

-What time in the morning?

-I've told you - 7.30 sharp!

Oh. Give us a shout about seven.

And keep off the gr..!

-Where are you off to?

-The staff hall, sir.

-This is the wrong way.

-I was told first right, first left.

-No. First left, first right. There.

-Thank you, sir.

-Don't mention it.

-Is Lady Banderville playing bridge today?

-Rather, Colonel. She's just a teeny bit late.

Ellen!

-I was looking forward to a game.

-You're a good player.

-Thank you.

-Good afternoon. You are..?

-Norman.

-How do you do?

-How do you do?

-I've been told to make myself at home.

-Do, my dear boy. Mingle!

Mingle. That's what I'll do. Mingle!

-See you later. And you.

-How do you do?

Let's get started, eh? I'm Norman.

-Good afternoon.

-Afternoon. Look at all this lot!

It is nice, but it always is here.

Ain't you gonna have none? Get this down you.

-Don't you think..?

-It's nearly half past four. Go on. You have one.

There you are.

Jam roll! ..Sorry. Bit of a scramble, innit?

Ain't you hungry? I haven't had dinner yet.

No, I don't care.

You hand these round. That's your job, innit? I'll bet ya!

-You're dressed to kill. It's your day off. I'll bet you're Cookie.

-I've never been called Cookie!

I can tell! I can guess all of you!

Good old urn. Urn!

You'll get used to me!

-Rather odd behaviour.

-Very.

-Lack of breeding.

-We meet again! Have a cake.

-Thank you.

-You get your own.

Once the rush starts, these will go like hotcakes!

-How very kind.

-It needs livening up in here. Do you play piano?

I do, a little.

-You do?

-Yes.

-Why didn't you say so?

Hold this. Listen, everyone!

Listen! Oi!

-What's your first name?

-Maurice.

-Old Maurice is gonna play the piano for us.

-If you insist.

Of course we insist! Go on, give him a big hand.

Come on! He's going now.

Go on, then. That's it.

MELLIFLUOUS OPENING TO "GREENSLEEVES"

No, no, no, no!

Beat it up! Whisk it! Give it the in-the-groove stuff!

Ba-ba-dey! Go on, then! Go on!

Hit it! Come on, everybody! Friendlify yourselves!

Go on, then!

Hey! Whose is this lot?

-Those are my nephew's.

-Keep going! Faster!

Dig-dig! Come on, get moving on the rhythm! Rock and roll!

Rock and roll! Wang-wang! That's it! Round and round!

Bip-bip-peddy! Come on, Snake Hips! Have a go!

Come on! Get moving!

-Mammy!

-Are you really on intimate terms with Lady Banderville?

She's my mistress.

Lady Banderville!

What can we do? Get her a glass of water.

Quick. The trolley!

Jeannie, stop!

Yes, sir.

-Do you mind?

-Sorry.

-I'm Norman.

-We've met.

-Where?

-I saw your guest appearance at Lady Banderville's tea party.

-I can't do this.

-I'm Norman, the new window cleaner.

-Here.

Come and sit down.

You'll have to sit nearer.

-Do you think you'll like it here?

-It's not very friendly.

-We'll have to change that, won't we?

-Yeah.

-PHONE RINGS

-Answer it, can you?

Hello?

Mr Harper?

-Mr Harper wanted.

-Yes, that's me.

-You're wanted on the phone.

-I know, idiot.

-Thanks(!)

-Sorry.

Wait a minute. Don't be ridiculous!

Now, keep calm.

We can get it off our feet.

-Do mind my wool!

-Let me get me foot out!

He won't be a minute.

Now look what you've done!

Oh, go on. It's your call.

Sorry. You can use it for mending socks.

Oh, Norman!

-Busy?

-Yes, very.

-Thank you for helping me...

Sorry, boss. I was tied up.

Max didn't get the window-cleaning job. It's up to you to see that the situation becomes vacant again.

It'll be a pleasure, boss. Don't worry. It's as good as done.

-Good morning.

-Morning, Sir Reginald.

To the right.

Back a bit.

Forward.

Back. Back!

Now, straight back.

Keep going.

HE LAUGHS

Where is that boy? He needs discipline. He should be sent to Eton.

-With those ruffians? No!

-Make a man of him.

-He's far too sensitive.

-He needs a mother's guiding hand.

-He needs an uncle's guided foot.

-Maurice is a very good tutor.

-Thank you, Sybil.

Morning, uncles. About time, too.

I take the minutes of the last meeting as read and approved. All those in favour...

-Maurice?

-Oh, yes.

-Very well.

Now, the financial statement. The assets of the trust

amount to £17,008,427.

You can put your hand down, Sybil.

This is an increase of £4,500,000.

-It's nice to know the boy will be comfortably off.

-Any more comments?

Maurice, I'm sick of this nonsense. Reginald is hopelessly spoiled.

Protecting him is one thing, Sybil.

-But you're turning him into a fool.

-You're dreadfully hard, Fletcher.

Rubbish. If you had any sense,

-you'd know it.

-But he's getting on so well.

That's all very well. But as I've said to Sybil...

-It's that horrible man!

-Don't be ridiculous.

-He looks like a kidnapper!

-Everyone does, to you. It's the new window cleaner.

GLASS SQUEAKS Maurice, get him to go away. As I was trying to say...

# Don't laugh at me

# Cos I'm a fool..! #

Oh, I'm sorry, sir! I didn't know you were coming out!

-Let me wipe you down.

-No!

-I didn't do it on purpose.

-Let him alone.

-He's all right.

-Do you mind?!

-Just look at my suit!

-I'll dry you down. Hold this.

-Aah!

Go away!

Outside! Outside! Back to your work!

Oi!

Help!

The ladder! Come on!

-Monstrous man!

-Potential criminal!

-FLETCHER: Amiable half-wit.

Go away! He can't!

Why not? Wrong window. No ladder!

Good heavens!

-Aagh!

-Hold on, for heaven's sake!

-Pull me up!

-I shall need some help. He's slipping!

Keep out of the draught, darling.

Pull me up!

Maurice! Come and be of some use!

Fletcher, pull!

Send for the fire brigade!

A ladder! Anything!

Save me!

Hold on! Fletcher, pull!

I AM pulling!

Don't despair. You'll be all right!

Stay where you are, and I'll climb up. Stay there!

That's it!

Let's get the Major or we'll all be out of work.

-Come on, young fellow. For heaven's sakes, help!

-I've got him.

You..!

Report to my office at once!

Oi, Major!

Keep off the grass!

Too big for me!

No, you don't, Sybil. Let's close the session. The best one we've ever had.

Norman, hello.

-Jeannie!

-How are you getting on?

-Well, I think I made an impression.

-Good.

-See you later.

-Norman...

-Yes, Jeannie?

-Would you like to come to the fair in the village this evening?

-With you? Yes, please.

-At six, then.

Fine.

-Norman?

-Yes, Jeannie?

-Be careful.

Don't worry about me. I'm as safe as houses on ladders.

-Bye.

-Bye.

-You wanted to see me, sir?

-See you?! You're fired!

Get out! Get out!

Harold, listen to this.

"Dear Jeannie, This is to say goodbye.

"I dropped in to see the Major and he gave me the sack.

"Ever so sorry about not seeing you this evening. I don't suppose we'll meet again. Yours truly,

"Norman."

"PS: I think...

"you are...

"wonderful."

-Key to the ladder house.

-Thank you.

-Two weeks' wages in lieu of notice.

-Yes.

-Less PAYE, national insurance, and deductions for breakages.

-Breakages?

-Breakages.

-Let's have it, then.

-Leaving...one and fourpence.

-Cor blimey!

Here's a letter for Jeannie Andrews. Please see that she gets it.

-Keep the bob.

-Thank you.

-Let's go, Harold, before we get searched.

Hey!

Norman! Where are you off to?

-You ought to know, getting me the sack.

-The sack? What do you mean?

-Sawing through my ladder!

-I didn't. Really, I didn't.

Hmm!

The last one was useless. Excuse me. ..Sir Reginald?

You sacked Norman. I had occasion to do so.

I'm giving you the occasion to take him back.

Yes, Sir Reginald.

Report back to my office forthwith!

Can't you tell me now? I ain't gonna walk all the way back! Hey!

Oh...

-The fates have been kind! You mean I haven't got the sack?

-Precisely.

-I can't believe it!

-Against my better judgement, I'm giving you one more chance.

What about the letter, and the bob?

The shilling you can have back.

-The letter has already reached the young person.

-Oh!

I'll get the key to the ladder house.

Thank you, Major. Off we go again!

-Jeannie!

-Norman! I thought you got the sack.

-I've been taken on again.

-I am glad.

-Really?

-Mm.

Come here.

-Thank you for your letter.

-I wouldn't have written it if I'd known. Silly, wasn't it?

I thought it was rather nice.

-What about that bit at the end?

-I thought that was rather nice, too.

-I wouldn't have dared if I'd...

-Well, I know what you mean.

# Dee da-da-dum, da-da-dum

-# Da-da-da da-da...

-Da-da dee da-dum #

# La da-da dum... #

# I used to be scared of affection

# But now I'm not

# I used to go cold at its mention

# But...whew!

# Now I go hot

# I used to run a mile

# If a girl even began to smile

# But I'm not afraid any longer

# One smile from you

# And my love grows stronger

# I've a feeling of being

# So up in the world

# When I'm walking out with you

# Up in the world is the feeling

# I get even talking

# About you

# I confess that I tremble

# At your touch, my dear

# It's cos you're here so near

# If you'd say yes

# Then my eager lips would press one kiss

# That means so much to me

# My plea is to be

# Tied to the strings of your heart

# Make me feel that I'm someone

# Really new

# Don't cut me loose or my life falls apart

# And I'm no-one without you

# I pray I've made a good impression

# You're my obsession

# For ever

# Let our hearts take flight

# Together

# Up in the

# World. #

Oi! What's the matter?

Oi!

What's the matter? Come on! Get it moving!

Here, you.

-Yeah?

-You say "sir" to me.

-They've all got titles here!

You're playing in the football match this afternoon.

-Good!

-Sir Reginald captains the outdoor staff and they always win.

-Do you understand?

-Always? I shall do my best.

Are you any good?

No, not really.

You'd better play for the indoor staff, against Sir Reginald...who always wins.

WHISTLE BLOWS

May the better side win!

Skip it. We were going to play this way anyway.

Very good, Sir Reginald.

BLOWS WHISTLE

That dangerous little man is playing!

Have you got a spare ball in here?

Good luck, Norman! >

Come here.

Listen. I insist on scoring. All right?

WHISTLE BLOWS

Well done, Reggie! Shoot!

That's it!

Well played!

-It's a goal! We've scored!

-Offside!

-Offside(!)

-OFFSIDE!

Free kick. Offside.

What?! I brought it through meself!

-Free kick!

-Get out of it!

You were offside.

-Have you gone raving mad?

-Have YOU gone raving mad?

-Get on with the game!

-Yes indeed, milady.

-Yes indeed, milady(!)

Her ladyship won't be pleased! She won't!

Pass the ball to Sir Reginald!

Reginald! He's awfully good, you know.

-Let Sir Reginald have it.

-Pleasure!

Hey!

Foul!

-Foul!

-Foul!

I meant the ball!

Foul. Free kick.

-Hello.

-Put him in goal!

-He's not big enough!

-Not Sir Reginald - you! Get the jersey on.

Up the double!

-Show them, Norman!

-Come on, Norman!

-You're doing fine.

-Thank you, Jeannie.

Aagh!

-APPLAUSE

-Whose side are you on?!

Well saved, little'un!

Well done!

-GOAL!

-Oh!

Jeannie, I've scored! I...

-We'll show 'em!

-Get back to your goal instantly.

Game little fellow!

Bullies!

Owww!

Oh!

Reggie, my darling! ..You great hulking brute!

Let's see. Come on.

-Stop the game.

-Nonsense! I'll play on.

-So brave!

-Sorry, milady...

-How dare you!

-Come on, Sybil.

Reggie. Reggie!

WHISTLE BLOWS

JEANNIE: Well saved, Norman!

-He moved!

-What do you expect?

-You moved!

-Stop!

-This is too much.

Oh, my dear Sibyl!

Get back. WHISTLE

No! Play the game!

Oh, innit marvellous(!)

-Oh, Norman!

-Oh!

Where's your banjo?

Let me help. There we are.

I'll teach that little blighter a lesson. You go to bed for the rest of the day.

NORMAN WHISTLES "UP IN THE WORLD"

-You nearly copped it then!

-I didn't think you'd be working today.

I feel fine. ..Oh!

-Does it hurt?

-No. It'll be all right.

Norman...

-There's a dance on in the village tonight.

-Yeah?

Well... Could I take you to it?

That's what I was hoping. Yes.

I'll meet you on the terrace...

..about half past six, eh?

-Hi, Norman!

-Yes, Sir Reginald?

-Come up here.

Ha-ha(!)

-Morning, Sir Reginald.

-Come on in.

-Relax.

-Yes, Sir Reginald.

-Skip the title. I'll show you a trick.

See this empty box?

Say the magic words "uzguz guzalum".

No, honestly!

Uzguz guzalum.

Hey presto!

-Where'd you get this?

-Saved my pocket money.

-Big pocket! Not bad.

I wish I could conjure like the Great DeMilo. He's on in London.

"The White Cockatoo. The Great DeMilo." I've seen him before.

You can have all this if you take me to see him.

No. Get somebody else. I'm going back to work.

You might as well clean my windows - the outside.

I don't mind doing that.

What are you doing? What are you doing?!

Let me in! Don't lark about!

-Swear to take me up to London.

-I certainly will not!

Don't mess about! What are you doing?!

-Are you going to take me?

-I will not!

-We'll see about that!

I will not. No. I'm not ticklish... I'm not...

I'm not ticklish!

No, don't! No!

I'm not ticklish!

WILD LAUGHTER

It's that little fellow. Yes, happy at his work.

I give in!

-You give up?

-Yes.

-You'll take me up to London?

-Yes.

Put a ladder by this window at dusk tonight.

Anything you say. ..No, not tonight.

-I promised...

-Tonight!

Tonight!

All right! All right!

Good.

-Seen Jeannie?

-Certainly not.

Afternoon, Norman.

-Afternoon.

-Nice day, innit?

-Yeah.

-Switch on the TV, will you?

-All right.

-What?

-Now you've done it.

-What?

-What was that?

I told him not to touch the TV.

-You...

-Silence.

Shall I phone a man who can fix it?

Yes, Harper. I'll tell the gatekeeper to expect him. The cost will be deducted from your wages.

What is that?

It's a pyjama case for Reginald.

It's rather pretty, don't you think?

-Where is he?

-Gone to bed.

-Already?

-He was yawning all evening.

-I hope he's not sickening for anything.

-No. Just sickening.

Fletcher, you're not fair to the dear boy.

Such an oppressive evening. I think I'll turn myself in.

-Must catch up on my beauty sleep.

-Yes, you need to.

-Really, Fletcher!

-Good night, dear Sybil.

-Good night.

Tiptoe past Reggie's room. Don't disturb him.

-I'll be quiet as a mouse.

-Sweet mouse dreams.

Who is it? Express TV Repairs.

How many in the van? Only me.

Get down. Quickly!

Carry on!

Well, we're in. On the dot. Harper is pinching that ladder.

DOGS BARK

OWL HOOTS

< WHISTLE

-OK, Sir Reginald?

-Call me Reggie tonight.

-Sir Reggie?

-No. Just Reggie.

-OK. Reggie.

-CAR APPROACHES It's a van.

-The ladder!

-Shove it over there.

Harper's put the ladder by the boy's room. But the light's on.

GARGLING

We'll have to wait.

(Close the door.)

Sssh! Are you trying to wake up the whole mansion?

Shouldn't we take another one?

-No. I can drive this one.

-You drive?

-Yes.

-Besides, Mother always uses this one.

-But Lady Banderville won't be in it.

-Won't she?

We'll give him five minutes.

-< Not bad.

-Think so?

-In you get, Mother!

-Let's go.

SNORING

Oh!

(OK, Max. It's in the bag.)

Are you asleep, my darling?

Reggie!

AAGH!

Kidnapped!

Reggie! They've taken my Reggie!

Milady.

-It worked!

-Milady(!)

Help! Where is everybody? Sir Reginald - he's gone!

-Milady?

-Kidnapped! Don't just stand there - do something!

-What is it?

-Kidnappers!

-What do you mean?

-They've taken Reggie! My little boy!

Remove the ball.

Brandy, quick - make it two.

SIREN BLARES

Press on. ..No news yet, but the arm of the law is reaching out.

-I knew this would happen!

-Why take Maurice, too? ..Not that I mind.

He probably surprised them at their dirty work.

This wouldn't have happened at Eton.

-Norman the window cleaner is missing.

-What did I tell you!?

An inside job, eh? That's the man.

A thug if ever I saw one.

-Where is my poor little Reggie?

-Obviously at some quiet hideout.

# Talent! We say it's talent!

# Talent is what the public want... Ooh!

# We don't think that it's de rig-ger

# For a girl to show her figure

# While the fellows' eyes get bigger all the time

# They don't come to see our faces

# They just come to find the traces

# Of some old familiar places down the line

# They find talent

# What else but talent?

# Talent is what the public want

# Ooh! Competition we can fight it

# We don't need Shakespeare to write it

# We just do it as you like it every night

# We may not be ambitious

# And they'll grant us all our wishes

# For as long as we're delicious they will fight

# Like real good talent

# We say it's talent

# Talent is what the public want

# We wouldn't fool you

# Talent

# Is what the public want! #

Ginger beer?!

It's OK, Mick. Nice work, boys. >

The boy's been missed already. It's been a piece of cake.

-Cake will keep me in meat for a long time.

-Let's take a look at him.

What the..?

You birdbrains!

-You got the wrong one.

-Wrong one?

-Is that a boy of 14?

-Perhaps he's prematurely aged.

-Shut up!

-We'll collect a ransom! They're glad to be rid of it.

That's the one you should have got.

Someone else has him. Someone's pulled a fast one on us!

-What shall we do with this?

-Dump it.

-Where?

-Anywhere, but DUMP IT!

DRUM ROLL

Introducing the Great DeMilo, Master of Mystery!

HE WHISTLES

Good old Milo!

Smashing! I ain't never seen nothing like that in all my life!

Thank you, but it wasn't as good as all that.

-We like to give credit where it's due.

-Yes.

If I may be allowed to continue, I would like to borrow a man's watch.

Would any gentleman lend me their watch?

-No!

-Why not?

-It's the only decent thing I have.

-Thank you.

-Hey! Give me my watch back! What's up with you?

Don't worry, little man. I am going to wrap this gentleman's watch in an ordinary piece of paper.

-Do you know what I'm going to do with your watch?

-No, sir.

I'm going to place it on the table

and break it up into little pieces.

There.

I suppose you think your watch is smashed.

-Come now.

-Go on. Get out of it!

You know it's broken. Everybody saw you hit it as hard as you could!

That's just where you're wrong.

See?

There you are.

Gone.

I suppose you would like to know where your watch is.

Yes, please, sir!

Follow me very closely.

Whose watch is this, eh? Whose is it?

-Norman's! Yes!

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-I've got me watch back! Look, Reg!

-What a trick!

-Norman, I'd like you to help me in another trick.

-Yes, sir.

-Pick a card.

-Any one?

-Any one.

-That one.

-Look at it, and keep it.

Madam, will you take a card, please?

And you, sir?

Thank you. Please, take a card.

Madam, will you take a card?

-POSH:

-Ladies and gentlemen, I shall wrap this gentleman's watch

in an ordinary piece of paper!

Do you know what I'm going to do to your watch?

I shall put it on this table

and I intend to smash it up into lots of tiny, weeny pieces!

I suppose you think your watch is smashed up. That's where you're wrong.

There.

Very clever!

I got a hunch the boy's in London, but where?

DeMilo's going very well tonight.

Yeah. What's going on out there, anyway?

-What's going on?

-A couple of customers have mucked up the act.

Help!

-< I protest! Call the manager!

-The boy!

I haven't finished me food! Let me wrap some up in a bit of paper!

Yes, sir.

Help! Let me down! Stop just a minute.

Our apologies. It's a mistake. Please return, everything is on the house.

I should think so. ..On the house? Come on, Reg.

Cut the cabaret, get the lights down to midnight level, and get the band going!

-Tell Sid and Steve to stand by.

-OK.

Play a rumba.

-I'm so sorry, sir.

-It's no good. Any more nonsense and I'll take action.

Hello, boys. You would like for me to join you?

Er... No, thank you.

-You would like to dance?

-Oh...

-Why not? It would be an experience.

-Oh...I bet it would!

-Go on, Norman.

-You go on yourself!

-Please!

-No!

Come on. In three minutes' time the lights will go out. Get that kid!

I've had enough. I'll go now.

Not on your life, chump. My spare time job is teaching judo.

Let me go! Let me go! Put me down, will you?

What's the matter with you?

Harold! Harold, come back!

AAGH!

MUFFLED CRIES

Nice work, boys.

This is the Banderville car, all right.

The Cockatoo. I wonder...

Place is due for a raid anyhow.

< Officer!

Come quick! there's something peculiar in my dustbin!

Go and see what she wants, will you?

This is the one, Officer.

Oh. Oh, hello. I do think policemen are wonderful!

You might as well relax, son.

Soon as your mother's paid up, we'll let you go.

MUFFLED CRIES

Nobody's going to get hurt.

You all right?

Yes, I'm fine. I say, isn't this all smashing!

We'll get the kid to sign it, then you can take it to Banderville.

Steve, keep your eyes skinned here.

Is someone coming?

Put your hands up! Put 'em up! Come on!

All of you! You as well!

Get over to the barrel! Come on!

Oh, no you don't!

Keep back.

WHISTLES BLOW AND WOMEN SCREAM

-Am I glad to see you! They've been trying to kidnap us!

-The game's up.

-I was trying to get him out!

-It's no use, boss. Just go quietly.

-Boss?! I've never seen them before!

-Take him away.

I'm innocent, I tell you! Ask the boy!

NORMAN CONTINUES COMPLAINING

HE GIVES INSTRUCTIONS Yes, sir.

He needs complete quiet. He has amnesia.

-How awful! What's that?

-Loss of memory.

How long will it last? Months, maybe years.

-Won't he know I'm his mother?

-I doubt it.

We'll break it to him gently.

It is abundantly clear from the evidence that you're the brains behind this dastardly crime.

I shall give you the maximum sentence for the offence.

25 years' hard labour!

SQUEAKING

MOUSE SQUEAKS

FOOTSTEPS

Visitor to see you.

Come on, look lively! Left, right!

Left, right! Left turn!

< Left, right, left, right. Prisoner, halt! Left turn!

You have two minutes.

-Hello, Jeannie.

-Hello.

-I still believe in you, Norman.

-You're the only one who does.

-If only Sir Reginald hadn't lost his memory.

-Well, he did.

Don't worry, Norman, dear. I'll wait for you.

-If you want me to.

-If I want you to?!

Thank you, Jeannie.

I'll only be 50 when I come out.

-Jeannie?

-Yes?

-Do me a favour?

-What's that?

-Look after Harold while I'm away.

-Of course.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Prisoner, attention! Right turn! Quick march!

< Left, right! Left, right! Left, right...

No, you don't! No trying to get away.

This is 3709935. >

Cheer up! First 25 years are the worst.

25 years!

25 blinkin' years!

-Blimey, a big shot!

-Delighted to meet yer, guv.

We're just small-timers.

Jocks. Robbery with violence. 18 years.

Damon. Arson. 13 years.

Williams. Assault and blackmail.

Only ten years.

Oh! Ooh!

-Look! He's on the job already!

-Go on, show 'im!

Fine little tunnel. With your help we can get clear in five months.

No. Count me out.

Out before then? Gonna play a lone hand, eh?

(Yeah.)

Yeah. That's it.

I'll play a lone hand.

I shall be taking over in here.

Right now, whose is this bunk?

That's mine.

Well, from now on it's mine, see?

Well, that's enough Latin for today.

Just leave me to study, Uncle.

Excuse me, Sir Reginald. Your costume's arrived.

Oh.

Have you remembered Norman yet? I never knew a Norman.

Sir, he took you to London! I've never been there.

Poor Norman!

WIND HOWLS

Oi, you! Break up that bit.

OK, boss.

OFFICER: Keep working! Put your hat on!

Working yourself to death(!)

-I'm responsible for most of the big ones!

-My foot!

Owww!

3709935!

You're a dab hand at cleaning windows, aren't you?

I've done one or two.

You, you, you and you, follow me!

WIND HOWLS Left, right! Left, right! Left, right! Left, right! Halt!

All right, get it up there!

Those are the Governor's quarters.

Couldn't I carry on breaking up stones instead?

You'll do 'em and you'll do 'em nicely, 3709935!

All right, get it up there!

Up, up, up, up, up! >

Gently! >

-Pity the poor blighter who's got to go up there in this wind.

-Yes!

Hey, you! Pick up that bucket! >

-Not in this wind.

-Up you go!

-Can't you get someone else? Oh, no!

-Go on! Get up there!

-Ow!

-Get up there!

-Why do I have to go all the way up there, when you could choose from this lot?

Argh! Ah!

What the devil are you doing? This is a prison, not a circus!

Argh! Ah! Put me back! Oh!

THEY LAUGH Hey! Get me out of here!

Oh! Oh, no! Put it back!

Guv'nor!

Hold it, hold it, hold it!

Argh! Argh!

Here I go! Oh!

Blimey! He's done it!

3709935, come back!

Stop him!

POLICE WHISTLE

DOGS BARK

POLICE WHISTLE

DOGS BARK

Ooh! Ooh!

Oh!

You're right, sir. He is making for Banderville.

DOGS BARK

BARKING FURTHER IN DISTANCE

DOGS BARK

BELL RINGS

Stout fellow! Here first! This will get you promotion.

Take his name... Open up!

< It's the Army! What's all this in aid of?

Escaped convict heading this way!

Hop on!

Who are you, lad?

-Norman.

-Good boy.

One of you chaps needs a bath! Meanwhile, forward!

BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYS

-Care for an 'op, milady?

-Oh, certainly!

Robertson, Jackson, Thomas, come with me! Sergeant, stay here!

SERGEANT: Righto, lads. Light up.

-Gotcha!

-Argh! It wasn't me!

-Enjoying yourself?

Go on in. Have some fun.

Excuse me.

-Norman!

-Shh!

-What are you doing here?

-Tell you later. I've got to find Sir Reginald. He MUST remember!

-Of course. I have an idea. This way.

MUSIC ENDS AND CROUD APPLAUDS

Arrest that man!

Come on! What the blazes are you doing?

It's the wrong man! Told you so!

I beg your pardon. Care for a drink? Not on duty.

Which is Lady Banderville? Madame Pompadour.

Drinking on duty! I know, you're in fancy dress.

-Yes, Inspector?

-We have news.

A word in your ear.

Norman, the window cleaner, is here.

There, Norman!

Come, come, we can't have two ladies dancing together.

Thank you, Major. I've already danced with you.

Please! In this country the man always leads.

My, my, you are a shy little flower. Come along, look up.

Oh, yes, come along, my dear, let me see you.

Mm, I knew it! What lovely eyes!

-I bet all the boys are after you!

-I'm being chased all over the place.

You're delightful.

MAJOR HUMS A TUNE

Oh, enjoy yourself. It's a party. Sing with me!

Dum-dee-dee... NORMAN HUMS IN ARABIAN STYLE

MAJOR CHUCKLES

NORMAN SHRIEKS AND WAILS That's the way!

# Boya balara... #

Ooh, yes, a pleasure.

-Sir Reginald.

-Yes?

-It's me. Look! Norman!

I've never seen you.

Don't be afraid! We'll get him! No stone left unturned!

Think hard! Try! Try!

Norman!

The door! Quickly! Hey! Where are you taking me?

Help! POLICE WHISTLE

JEANNIE SQUEALS

Lock it, Jeannie!

Sergeant! FOR-WARD!

Oh, no! Not in the carrier, you fool! Back!

How dare you?!

Men! Seize that man!

And you keep off the grass!

Jeannie, keep him back. Try and get him to remember.

You'll never get up!

Ready, Jeannie? Now!

Got 'em!

Don't push!

An American dance, I imagine.

Right, you lot. Are you giving in?

Sergeant, ready, tear gas? Yes, sir!

Be careful of my Reggie!

Under the table! They're using tear gas!

Oh! Ha-ha!

Fire another one, Sergeant.

Well done!

HE CHUCKLES

That's Norman. Remember? No! Let me go!

-HE SOBS

-Come on, let's have more fun!

Please let me go! No!

Stay under, Jeannie! Stay under! Oh!

Well stopped, sir!

Oh!

HE LAUGHS

Hey, Guv'nor, try this for size!

Well caught, boy!

ALL LAUGH AND CRY What's going on?!

It's the escaped convict, Colonel. Do your duty!

After him, men! You too, Sergeant! Yes, sir!

Leave it to me! I'll cut him off!

JEANNIE GASPS

Ha! I arrest...you!

My baby!

Somebody clonked me! I did, sir. I'm sorry.

Norman!

MAJOR: This scoundrel kidnapped you.

Kidnapped?! Idiot! He tried to save me!

-Save you?

-Yes, truly!

I told you so!

CHURCH BELLS RING

LAUGHTER

HE CHUCKLES

Oh, he's started! Little...

NORMAN STARTS TO LAUGH

JEANNIE GIGGLES

Subtitled by Miriam Greenblum, Intelfax, for BBC Subtitling - 2001

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