Confetti

This film contains strong language.

MUSIC: "The Wedding March" by Felix Mendelssohn

CHURCH BELLS CHIME

My name is Antoni Clarke and I am a bride's best friend.

I'm not gay.

I own "Confetti" magazine,

but Vivien is the editor, and she's the backbone of the publication.

She does all the day-to-day WORK, if you like.

This will be the event of the year.

We have to go for it as the event of the year. It's immense.

Our reputation is hanging on a thread if we fail in this.

It's half an hour on a Saturday afternoon, three weddings.

It's easy. All you have to do is hold up a card and say 10 or nil point.

We're very excited. We were going to do another Bride of the Year

but that'd just end up being given to a woman in a white dress again.

So we thought we'd do the most original wedding as an idea.

We're giving away a house

to the couple with the most original wedding.

Not everyone wants to get married in a crazy way.

Not everyone wants their special day, erm... ruined by a gimmick.

But some people do.

THROATY RASPING

Pitch us your vision of the most original wedding.

We're really into dinosaurs. We're raptors, actually.

-It's a dinosaur-themed wedding?

-Absolutely.

-We want it in a cave.

-Thanks so much for coming in.

-So soon?

-I don't want to waste your time. Next.

Hi, hello. Thank you so much for coming.

All the guys are gonna be dressed as Elvis Presley.

And the girls will be dressed as, you know, teddy girls.

-Do you think it's been done before?

-No.

-Right, next.

Vivien, am I gonna be meeting more mental people today?

We're going to get married following the Daffodil Route around Wales.

It's a train route. It starts in Cardiff.

You wanted to come and win a house. It's not gonna happen. Goodbye.

There are three changes on the way.

I'm sure you loved it. You love a train.

She was pretty. We could actually partner her up with somebody else.

What we had in mind was a kind of ancient Roman wedding.

Great!

It starts with the sacrifice of a pig at the bride's house.

Fuck me!

But maybe with some hairstyle around it and a prescription lens.

ANTONI SIGHS Next!

HORN HONKS Get out.

If we were producing an updated version of "The Joy of Sex",

you two would be perfect.

Naturists or "Joy of Sex"?

"The Joy of Sex" are better looking,

but the naturists, well, it's more...it's more "Confetti".

I don't want them at all, I'd rather have the Romans.

That's as may be. Naturists, tennis, musicals.

'Our submission was accepted.'

-And our submission is the musicals.

-A musical wedding.

Hollywood musicals, that's what we're going for.

The idea that we pitched is it's in the style of Busby Berkeley,

so it's a big production number.

We're having the bridesmaids as the chorus girls.

You know, they have the sweeping kind of staircase of bridesmaids

and Jen, my sister, obviously, she'll be bridesmaid-of-honour.

-Won't she?

-Absolutely.

She's a dancer. She's in Bahrain with a cruise.

She travels a lot. We don't always know where she is.

'I work in a care home for the elderly.'

Sam comes along sometimes.

She helps out, she helps me. She sings for them. Lovely.

I'm slightly tone deaf, but Matt's always said

if I wasn't tone deaf I'd have a very good voice.

-Yeah, that's true.

-Erm...er...so I enjoy it.

-Self-confidence, that's all it is.

-Yeah.

-A lot of it is confidence.

-The vision for our wedding is quite simple. Tennis.

-Tennis.

Yeah! Whoo! Come on, Josef!

I mean, we are gonna win. If you're listening, losers,

-the other people, give it up.

-Stop!

-Stop now cos we're gonna win.

It's not about how good our wedding is,

it's about can we do anything to make theirs...

That's what you do in tennis, look at someone's game and destroy it.

Yeah, we have a coach. Well, I say "coach"...

-We have a coach.

-It's, er...

Jesus. He's amazing. He's so supportive.

My inner game's gone at the moment. He's working on that with me.

That's what we're working on.

-He's interested in getting inside you.

-He's fantastic at it.

# I like to ride my bicycle with you #

-'I'm Michael. This is Joanna.'

-'Joanna.'

And, yeah, I've been a naturist all my life.

-LOUD SPLASH

-Er... Joanna's... Oh!

-Joanna's quite new to it, really.

-A beginner.

Summerland is the oldest naturist camp in the country.

Mum and Dad lived here and they were naturists.

Well, my dad was a policeman, my mum worked as a legal secretary.

And they do worry a bit that I'm in a cult.

It's not a cult. It's not a cult.

-'We are all naked, apart from clothes.'

-All the time.

When you take the clothes off, it's more obvious.

I know for this film I'm supposed to sit so you can't see my penis,

-but I'm looking at my penis now...

-It's lovely.

..and it seems absolutely fine to me.

The auditions we had, I was very excited about it, but I'm not now.

'One is a potential idea, perhaps, the musical couple.'

No, no, no. You're going back to singing out of tune again, dear.

The tennis couple maybe could work.

'But the girl has the most extraordinary nostrils.'

I can't take my eyes off them. So if you put that on a front cover

the nation won't be able to take their eyes off them.

The third choice?

Oh, I mean, where do you want me to start?

'They want to be on the front cover naked!'

But I'm optimistic.

I have my wedding planners coming in soon,

Heron and Hough, and they seem absolutely dynamic.

DOOR SQUEAKS

Push a bit from the other side. That's it. There. All right.

Come in.

-Hi. Hello.

-This is my partner.

-Heron and Hough.

-Your dreams are enough.

I think this is going to be the most extraordinary,

-theatrical wedding love celebration.

-A three-ring circus.

A three-ring circus of love. We'll be right at its centre.

Don't show them that! Come away! Don't show them that!

-This...

-No! Stop it!

-This is our award wall.

-No!

-Erm...

-You shouldn't show them that.

-I know, but...

-Don't show them that one or that one.

-'We're not clear on budget.

-No.

'But it's a very big magazine.'

So we're safely assuming there will be some money to spend.

-Just a little bit.

-'We've already started.

'We haven't met the couples yet, but we have a load of ideas

'that we want to spring on them.'

'One's first instinct is often the best.'

-Black and silver sparkle.

-Lovely. Good choice.

'Cos also we're up against time.

'We will often plan a wedding over 9, 12, 18 months,

'and we have three months to plan three weddings.'

-'Which we're up for.

-Mad as cheese, the pair of us.'

What we give people is a huge part of ourselves.

-It's our wedding on the day.

-We have not lost one yet.

-No.

Nobody who has been married at one of ours who is not still together.

-Don't serve so hard to her.

-What?

-She won't get any better.

-You are a man!

-Are you in the room?!

-Do it again.

-What, serve so you can miss it?

Jesus is, er...exceptionally...

an exceptionally mediocre coach.

My name is Jesus and I'm from Spain.

Erm... yep. That's the difficulties of my name is

because I'm called Jesus.

I mean if anyone goes around calling themselves Jesus, frankly,

it's a bit sad. There must be a deep well of insecurity in there.

I will hurt if they're getting married,

because I think he is not the appropriate man for her.

'I mean, she needs more love, she needs more smiling.'

And she needs a little bit more of sweetness.

Back.

-And front.

-No, don't stop. I think this is good.

-What's good?

-I... just wait.

-Are you ti-red?

-No, I'm not ti-red.

-Just for the...

-I'm tired.

-Positive.

-Sorry.

Just for the opening, I was feeling something.

-Take my hands.

-What were you feeling?

-That this could be used.

-BOTH: For the wedding?

-Yeah.

-Excellent.

-Who's getting married?

'He goes on about how warm they are in the Mediterranean,

'that they're very tactile people,

'but he doesn't touch anyone as much as he touches my fiancee.'

I don't think...

Oi! I'm watching.

' "Rules of entry. Number one.

' "You hereby confirm that you're not already married." '

"Two. You agree to participate in pre-marriage counselling."

Counselling.

-Counselling?

-Yes.

-I'm not doing counselling.

-Josef...

I'm not doing counselling. I've done counselling. I'm not doing it!

I'm not doing it!

Let's just concentrate on how we want these people to look.

The tennis players, we want them to look SO glamorous.

-We want them to win, don't we?

-I quite like the musical couple.

-They're sweet.

-They'll look wonderful.

She's a little dowdy.

She'll be fine if we dress her in a beautiful dress.

You never know, the naturist couple on the day might be fantastic.

No-one wants to see her muff.

You chose them.

# Summer breeze and blue, blue sky

# Memories of that beautiful July... #

'I was quite excited by the people we met.'

Of the three couples, I wouldn't want to favour any of them.

I think they're all exciting, very much in love, I think.

'I'm having slight problems with the tennis, Isabelle and Josef.'

'And a woman that only wears things that she's knitted herself

-'is just gonna be difficult.'

-Yes, and...they did smell.

# Take me back to the time when we were so carefree and easy

# Building castles in the sand

# While our dreams were strolling hand in hand

# And like the love you bring

# You're the song I sing and everything is you #

-Well, it was...

-It was a really good day.

-It was an amazing day.

-There were so many things to see.

And also from the time that Sam had her makeover...

The fact that she was chosen to have a makeover anyway was,...

"Oh, my God!"

# I see tomorrow in her eyes

# And where my future lies

# So I don't need a crystal ball at all

# Because I've seen tomorrow in her eyes

# And time shall hold no sad surprise

# Nor helloes and goodbyes

# No, I don't need a crystal ball at all

# Because I've seen tomorrow in her eyes

# I've seen tomorrow

# In her eyes. #

'They just happened to pick her

to have a makeover out of all those people?'

So we had to have a word. A civil word.

'And they kindly agreed to, er... to go again.'

-WOMAN:

-Oh! Doesn't she look gorgeous?

Big round of applause for the lovely Isabelle!

She's got herself in a picture.

She's got herself in... Can you see her at the back?

-Hi.

-Oh, hi.

-Come on in.

-Lovely to see you.

-You, too. Perch yourself on the couch.

-Hi. Lovely to see you. In you come.

-Thanks.

OK. Well, first and foremost,

thank you so much for coming and doing this job.

-We are so excited.

-Good. I'm thrilled.

Now to cut to the chase, several things on my mind need to be sorted.

Firstly, I need, and this has also come from the powers above,

I need one venue for all three weddings. For the competition.

-For all the weddings?

-Yes.

Because we'd thought about Queen's Club and Roland Garros.

I love your ideas but they're not within the budget.

So, one venue. Now a second point, and one that does concern me,

are the naturists. I need the naked girl dressed.

-I need her in a dress.

-In a dress?

-In a dress, yes.

-But they're nudists.

-No, they're naturists.

-All right, but they take their clothes off.

-Well, I need them in a dress.

-Does she know that?

-No. That's your job to tell her.

-Right.

BIRDSONG

-Do they actually play volleyball?

-We're going to find out.

-I feel a bit sick actually, Archie.

-Oh, my God!

Oh, my! It's a naked man on a bike!

-It's a naked...

-Yeah, all right.

-Keep your eye on the road.

-Did you see that?

-Yeah, I'm choosing to ignore it.

-No clothes on, just riding around.

Just pull up here. Pull up here.

Then it will be obvious, won't it, when we meet them?

-How you doing?

-Hi!

-Hey.

-Nice to see you again.

-Hi.

-Hi. Joanna. Remember?

-Hi. Archie.

-Hi.

-Hiya. Glad you could make it.

-Sorry, I stood on your toe.

-I'm OK.

-Thanks for coming.

-Yeah. Let's...

-..show you round.

-Yes.

-Hi, guys.

-Hi there. Hello.

You have a game of badminton and no need to wash your kit.

So that's a bonus.

-Do you play badminton?

-No.

-Right.

You are aware that these weddings will take place in the same venue,

on the same day, one after another, concurrently?

-In a venue?

-No, I didn't know that.

No, it isn't... Well, it is clear,

but it isn't underlined, I don't think.

It just says you have to approve where we do it.

The magazine has decided that to make it easier for the judges

it all has to be inside and on one occasion.

-What's that?

-This is "Primavera" by...

-Who's he?

-No, it's a painting by Botticelli.

It explores some of nature's themes.

You've got apples, pears and things, and the elements blowing on her.

And there's flowers and so on. And the strength of the sword.

She's just slightly veiled and you can see the nakedness underneath.

But that's just wacky costumes. It's just costumes.

It's kind of theatre. It's not real. We're about nature and real.

-Oh, hi. Thanks so much.

-Quite all right. Where do you want it?

-I'll move those. Thanks.

-That's quite all right.

What are we going to do?

-They're going to want to walk in and take their clothes off, right?

-Yes.

-Do you think we should allow them to?

-Yes, if that's what they want.

-I think that too.

-Absolutely.

-They should be allowed to.

To ask them to get married clothed

is contrary to everything we believe in.

They must be naked people as they get married cos that's who they are.

-Lovely. So...musical?

-Musical? "The King and I".

It's not "The King and I"!

Why does it have to be? "The King and I" this, "The King and I" that!

It offers so much design-wise.

It's East meets West, fantastic opportunity for food.

-I can get hold of elephants.

-I'm thinking "Singing in the Rain"!

I can see it. We can have the rain from Wimbledon falling over MGM.

I can just see. "On The Town". Please, "On The Town"!

-I hate "On The Town"!

-How can you hate "On The Town"?!

-That woman in the cab drives me mad.

-Oh, she's wonderful.

So, folks. El maestro.

-Sorry we're late.

-This is Paul. Sam.

Nice to meet you. Hello.

-Hi, again.

-Hello! How are you?

Paul has been working with us on some ideas for your wedding.

-Oh, lovely.

-Which we'd like to show you.

-This is nice.

-So we've put some stools out.

It's kind of like a little show. If you could take the stools.

-We're gonna show you...

-Now?

And we want to show you what we've come up with

as potential vows for your wedding.

-Shall I take my coat off?

-PIANO PLAYS

# I give you my love, always

# To have and to hold, always

# Our life to unfold

# As man and wife

# Always

# Always

BOTH: # I give my life to you

# Ever more shall my heart be true

# For the rest of our lives

# We'll live as one

# Always

# Always. #

-That is really amazing.

-Exciting, isn't it?

-That's amazing.

-Do you like that?

Yep, I love it. And it's a bit like ours.

-Off your bottom and show us.

-Ours isn't as good.

We've just cobbled that together. We'll find some middle ground.

BOTH TUNELESSLY: # I promise to love you

# I promise to care for you

# I promise to always make you laugh. #

You're both singing in different keys.

-Yep.

-Yeah, that's... harmony.

Oh.

We know we can't be here, but if it's there, it has to be clothed.

-I didn't hear them say that.

-For me it has to be clothed.

-You want it to be?

-I'm happy as a naturist with you,

but I'm not happy being undressed in front of lots of clothed people.

It's been your life forever and I'm new to it still.

You won't give them nightmares. You look beautiful.

-They'll laugh. Some will laugh.

-They won't laugh.

I'm not prepared to feel humiliation on our wedding day.

It's completely their problem. I think it's your mum that does this.

Think about your mum, picture your mum. Do you wanna get dressed?

Yes. See, there we go. It's her.

She's so...clothed!

# When we were young

# You used to laugh so much

# But now you're always buying wine

# And wanking on about your sofa. #

I'm like Eno on speed.

-I just kinda take the whole thing...

-Speedo.

Speedo. This is what we're like. This is what we used to be like.

-We still are, sort of.

-Yeah.

# You've made your bed

# I hope you lie in it

# With the girl who stole our dreams away

# She's just like Yoko Ono Dead man walking

# Can't you hear...

# Can't you hear your old friend talking? #

We can do "Wizard of Oz". "Wizard of Oz" is a musical, right?

-Yeah. You mean at the wedding?

-Yes.

You've got the bass, the Cowardly Lion.

The Tin Man on drums. Dorothy on guitar.

-The second guitar can be the, er...

-BOTH: Toto.

-The little dog.

-Not a bad idea.

-Little monkey with the wings.

-You're taking the mickey out of me.

-No, the Flaming Lips do it.

-It's not a joke, it's our wedding.

The Flaming Lips do it. Matt, I can speak to her.

You don't need to speak to her. I'm gonna have to calm this one down

-because she thinks you're taking the piss.

-I'm not.

She liked it until the monkey with the wings.

-Was it the monkey?

-It was the monkey. I saw her face and it dropped.

We don't have to do the monkey. I could be the Wicked Witch.

-'I'm a bit anxious.'

-'We're both anxious.'

'Today is a big day. We've got the wedding planners coming in,

'and hopefully they have come up with something exciting for our wedding,

-'because we've not heard much.

-We gave them a lot of information.

-'We hope they'll come back today...

-With something concrete.'

-Sorry, we're late.

-OK. Let's not waste any more time.

-Shall we just show you? It's in our heads, we'll do it.

-Go for it.

-Opening of your ceremony.

-Brilliant.

-Where do you want us?

-If you just go over there.

-You're the congregation.

-Brilliant.

-We're looking that way.

-Come on.

-Let's just give them a chance. You never know.

The parade of the ball boys.

On they come.

Go!

Go!

Ooh!

And then from the back come... you're gigantic balls!

-All the way down on the tramlines.

-Right.

Then you perform your vows and you're married.

-That's the start. What do you think?

-HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

That's not... We need to speak to someone professional.

You move beautifully both of you,

but we need someone who knows what they're doing properly

-with ball boys and ball girls. Don't we?

-Yeah.

-So a choreographer.

-We think the choreographer, really,

should be the remit of the MGM wedding couple.

We can't have a choreographer because they've got one?

Well, because their dance is key, central...

-It's central to ours.

-I've worked a lot on it.

Right before you came, I was working on the moves.

-She does dancing.

-I thought you'd injured yourself.

Yeah, whatever. We need a... We asked for a...

-The problem...

-Oh, for God's sake! It's Jesus!

Can you get rid of him? I have to explain something to you.

We have to win this competition. No, if, but or maybe, we have to win.

-We are in severe financial... What are you doing?

-I invited him along.

-Can you go away!

-No. I invited him here.

-I want him to go!

-I want him to stay!

-I want him to go!

-Hey, listen, speak nice to her.

-No, can you go?

-What's it like being short?

-Josef, stop! You're rude all the time!

What's the weather like down there?

What's Spanish for "Go away, you fairy"?

-Josef, stop it!

-Say "I love you". Not this bad word.

-I'm sorry?!

-What do you have to say to her?

-# Love is in the air...

-Stop it!

-# Everywhere I look around...

Josef! No! No!

-# Love is in the air...

-No! No! No!

# Every sight and every sound...

-Now, listen. Listen, please!

-Stop it! Stop it!

Please, listen. Please, now listen to me. You do not have an education

from a boarding school in the north of England

and be the only gay boy there and not know how to handle yourself.

If you move again, I'm going to break your arm, understand?

-He doesn't deserve you.

-He'll be fine.

-He just needs to run it off.

-Sorry.

-It's fine. It's fine.

-So from the top.

-No, I think... Oh, God!

-No!

# Love is in the air...

-Oh, my God!

-# Love is in the air

You stop it! And you stop it! Just stop it! This is ridiculous!

It's just stupid! I come here for this?!

I was appalled by that and shocked.

It was terrifying. It was a terrifying experience.

It's in my top ten terrifying experiences.

It's not what we're used to, it's not the world we work in.

But we showed them a few things and we'll come back and show them more.

You showed them some things, you stood up for me and yourself.

It was amazing. It was wonderful, Archie.

It was really wonderful. You do know that. I'm so proud of you.

-Come on, let's go. We'll see you later. Bye.

-Bye.

People don't like me, do they?

-Josef, people like you.

-Who?

-I like you.

-You don't count.

-Why not?

-You do, but not in people who like me.

-Why not?

-Because you obviously like me.

-Do you like me?

-Josef, I...

-I don't like me.

-Maybe that's the real problem.

-Thank you, Dr Freud.

Well, I'm just saying. I have more experience, I went to counselling.

-I'm not going to counselling.

-I'm saying if you had stayed longer,

maybe we could have answered these questions.

We're gonna get you in a positive space right now.

I don't feel that you are. Know what we've got?

You wanna hold that for a while? Hold it. Huh? That's what we've got.

-And we've got...

-I won this ten years ago.

Hold this. Come on, hold it.

Look at me. Ugh! Come on, Josef, give me the...

-That's it!

-HE SIGHS

-Hello.

-Nice to see you. You all right?

-Hello, Sam.

-Hi. This is Jen, my sister.

-Oh, hello. Nice to meet you.

-Hi.

If you two lovebirds would like to flutter down with me.

-Do you want to come as well?

-Yeah, Jen's coming as well.

Jen's really interested. Jen's a professional choreographer.

And she'd like... She's gonna be choreographing the show.

-Oh.

-I've got loads of ideas.

I've done loads. I've been a dancer for 12 years, I've loads of ideas.

We're sorry about the other lady, but Jen really wants to do it.

We have the best dance choreographer in the country, you do realise that?

We were just explaining that I'm actually a professional dancer.

-Oh, really?

-And we've come up with some ideas.

What we're thinking is we've kind of got it wrapped up, really.

I can show you what we've got.

I'm not quite sure what the ideas are. I'm a bit new to this.

-Well, shall I...?

-Can you explain what it is?

I don't know that it is all wrapped up. The theme that we've gone after

-is '30s and '40s musicals, right?

-Right. Fred Astaire.

Exactly. Yeah.

-Who's the water woman?

-Sort of like Esther Williams.

-Yes. With hundreds of girls...

-Exactly.

A smaller version of that.

-It's like...

-Jen?!

-I might as well hop up.

-Jen's worked some moves out.

You've got two rows of girls. In Busby Berkeley they're in tinfoil.

And then, out! And the next girl, out!

And on the other side, all at the same time, out! Next girl, out!

-Next girl, out.

-Jen?

-And then Matt and Sam can sink down.

And you know the dream ballet in "Oklahoma"?

Dream Laurey comes out, me, same costume, wig, so I'm Sam.

-Jen?

-It just gives you an idea.

We do stuff like it on the ships all the time, you know.

-What do you think?

-If you'd like to do it, that's fine.

You don't need me.

What did you think about the dream ballet?

Cos Sam, with her physical dyslexia, she's gonna be all nervous.

-What?

-Sorry?

-Sam's got physical dyslexia.

-What's that?

Well, she's like...clumsy.

-Clumsy? You mean she can't dance?

-No, she can dance.

We danced as kids.

-We did competitions.

-I think it's great we've got Jen.

I'm sure she can play a strong role in this, but we're got Jenny here,

who is an expert in choreography as opposed to a dancer,

and we should be using her like we said.

-You weren't there, Chris.

-She's done the cruises for years.

-Exactly, cruise ships.

-She works out all the dances.

-Right.

-Who's a professional dancer? She is.

And this choreographer's not a professional?

All she wants to do is help her sister.

-Nothing wrong with that.

-No, but this isn't an ordinary wedding.

This is a competition. We've got to abide by the rules.

-It's still her wedding day.

-It's mine as well.

-Most important day of her life.

-Mine as well.

-I'll be your sister-in-law. Have you thought about that?

-Every night.

I know you're stressed and I know you're getting up really...

I know you're working hard and I'm totally...amazed...

-I'm getting married in a competition.

-But you're being so lovely.

You're being so lovely and you're putting your heart and soul into it.

-Yeah, for you.

-And I know that, but they don't.

They should know it. Why don't they know it?

-Cos they've not met...

-Not met me? I've lived here for nine months!

-They will see it.

-Christ!

All I'm saying is that you need to go and just do a bit of diplomacy.

-I will.

-I love you and I'm completely with you.

And I'm totally day by day

just amazed at how wonderful you are.

And I'm so pleased to be marrying you.

HE SIGHS

I come down the aisle, you're waiting at the altar for me

with Snoopy doing the sway, whatever.

I come shuffling down the aisle or whatever, in time, hopefully,

and then meet you at the altar.

The other question that I am worried about is who's gonna take me down?

What about your dad?

I don't... I'm not sure if he's gonna be there to be honest.

-At the moment it doesn't look like it.

-Why?

Because I haven't invited him, Mum hasn't, you haven't invited him.

I'd like him to be there, but I'm not in a position to...

-To invite your dad to your wedding?

-I...

I'm not in a position to...

I'm not in a position to... to do that.

You do want him there, don't you?

Him being there's more important than anything else we're talking about.

Or your family being there is more important than getting a song right.

I think your mum's gonna have to lump it for four hours of her life.

PIANO PLAYS

Feel this bit. That's it. Out.

And run to each other and round.

And turn out.

And back. Hold his face.

-LAUGHTER

-Should I hold him like that.

Where's Snoopy's bit?

You haven't done any of the music. It can't be this surely, you know.

Cos we've got a thing. La, la. Not that, it's bigger.

# Nomothetic relationship

# It makes me sick So very sick

# Your shining eyes like twisted wire

# On the cover of a dirty magazine

# Mouth full of razor blades

# Tongue just like shining steel

# You're making me ill

# On the cover of a dirty magazine... #

-Can you believe this?!

-I can do the twiddly bit.

-That's not good, but...

-I thought that could be the big...

-It's just not...

-It's called "Steel Ill"

Still ill, steel ill.

But what's it gotta do with the wedding?

-It's shiny.

-Is that what you think I am,

a girl on the cover of a porno magazine with a steel tongue?

-No, I'm not saying that.

-That it's nomothetic.

Nomothetic relationship, it makes me sick.

-So, our relationship makes you sick?

-No!

If you wanna sing that at our wedding, that's what it sounds like.

I'm saying everyone else's relationship is nomothetic.

-This is...

-There is no nomothetic.

What does pedantic mean?

-That's the whole...

-That's an interesting question,

-but now isn't the time to work it out.

-Listen to this.

# You're dragging me down

# You're making me frown

# Saw you crying in your sleep

# Please don't cry

# What does pedantic mean? #

-We're gonna have...

-You can do the lyrics.

Snoopy has a vital part to play in this wedding, no doubt.

He is Matt's best friend and he's talented and he will be there,

but this is their dream wedding and I'm prepared to kill or maim

for them to have that wedding, understand?

-Out you come, my honey.

-Here it goes. Bless.

She's looking a bit ragged.

-The squirrels have fallen.

-There. Which way around?

We're all moving around. It's like Dunsinane, isn't it?

-Right.

-That's "Midsummer Night's Dream"?

Yes, fairies, "Midsummer Night's Dream".

-They would arrive...

-Where's the couple?

-There we are.

-They're hiding.

-They're not going to be naked.

-This is our problem.

-It's tricky convincing them...

-We need this for the front cover.

-We can't have nude people.

-They're fine nude.

They won't be on the cover cos they won't win. I think we all know that.

-They may do.

-They may not.

-Don't write them off just cos they've got no clothes on.

What about having a little bush, if you'll pardon the language,

a bush area that covers the...

A bush area?! How elegant is that going to be on the cover?

If the topiary is done properly, I think it could be rather lovely.

-BOTH:

-Well...

-I gave you an agenda.

The agenda is no nudes.

To begin with, the dance is very formal.

Then...more country.

Oh! Suddenly, bright lights!

Oh! It's a rumble of something. What's this?

What it is is the arrival of your camper van. And inside, you...

..are the Queen of the Fairies.

And me, Oberon-like, King of the Fairies emerges from the camper van.

The Green Man guides them and comforts them.

And he is of course our Green Man/Registrar.

And you're married.

Well, I just think that completely sucks.

That whole thing is rubbish. This is our wedding.

We can't be prancing around like berks.

We have a little problem here that I think we ought to share with you.

That is that our brief, if you like,

is that your naturist wedding must not be naked.

That's come right from the top.

I really have to apologise. I mean, I chose these people.

And it was after lunch, they were the best of a bad lot,

I'd had a few glasses of wine, and I think...

-I made an error of judgement.

-We just need to deal with it now.

-We need to get them dressed.

-Yes, we do. We absolutely do.

-Michael, Joanna, lovely to see you.

-Come on in.

This gentleman is James Thursk. He's our lawyer.

And he sorts things out. We've got some sorting-out to do today.

Yeah. Erm... Well... We've been talking, and the problem is

that we were asked for an idea for an original wedding

and our idea was a naturist wedding and we've found out

that this is going to be a naturist wedding featuring no nudity.

Mr Thursk.

You can't expect anyone to put naked people on the cover of a magazine.

I'm talking about our wedding and us getting married.

As naturists, we know that you can't be a bit naked.

-You're naked or you're not.

-You're not naked now, you seem comfortable.

Is that some kind of challenge? OK.

-I don't think...

-Michael! This isn't good!

People don't appreciate that you're either naked or you're not.

Stop it there. Please! We're trying to have a civilised discussion.

I'm having a civilised discussion.

I can have a civilised discussion whether I'm dressed or not.

-He's becoming impossible!

-I'm staying here

until you write a new contract saying we can have the wedding

you said we could have.

That's just not going to happen. That simply isn't going to happen.

We cannot put out a magazine with people in it naked.

-Sorry about that, but we cannot do it.

-OK.

-That is the end of it.

Yeah, I guess it is. I guess that's the end.

Joanna, maybe if you just wore a wedding dress.

I'm not even sure I want to get married.

This is not what I dreamt of.

It's not becoming what I wanted for a wedding.

He's sleeping in the kitchen at the moment.

What if you dressed yourself up to allure him? You're always naked.

Maybe you become immune to each other cos being naked all the time,

you've got used to your bodies. There's no magic. James?

There's something very romantic about a wedding dress.

If I can just start by explaining why we're here, what it's all about.

We're here today to talk about what it means to be getting married.

There's not much to talk about. I felt that what we were going to do

was have a naturist wedding

and that'd involve people acting like naturists, AKA being naked.

It's A-K-A not AKA.

And, apparently, not everybody feels the same way,

including the person I hoped to marry.

I've expressed not a made-up problem but a real issue with me

that being naked in front of non-naturists is not that easy.

Nobody's going to laugh.

Your body is the most eloquent expression of how beautiful you are.

Get it into your thick head how much I respect you.

If we can just take "thick" out, there were nice words there.

You can always replace one.

-Let's take "thick" out then.

-Let's take "thick" out. Good. Good.

Could you...? Are you ready to shuffle up a bit yet on the...

settee? Well done.

Lovely. OK.

# I was walking along, minding my business

# When out of an orange-coloured sky

# Flash! Bam! Alakazam!

# Wonderful you came by

# I was humming a tune, drinking in sunshine

# When out of an orange-coloured view

# Flash! Bam! Alakazam!

# I got a look at you

# One look and I yelled, "Timber"

# "Watch out for flying glass"

# The ceiling fell in and the bottom fell out

# I went into a spin and I started to shout

-# "I've been hit"

-This is it! This is it!

# I was walking along, minding my business

# And love came and hit me in the eye

# Flash! Bam! Alakazam!

# Out of an orange-coloured sky. #

The wedding planners are not giving us the same service.

They are getting a choreographer. We're not allowed a choreographer.

-Next?

-She had a makeover at the fair

before we made a fuss and I got Isabelle to have one.

-Yes, you did.

-They're getting resources we are not.

-Is it rigged? Is that what it's about?

-Please!

-Is it rigged? I mean...

-Just tell us.

-Absolutely not!

Well, it doesn't seem like that from where we're sitting.

I chair the panel, I've got the casting vote, it will not be fixed.

You have the casting vote?

Yes.

So what do you... What are you looking for?

Isabelle, let's have a look at your nose.

-OK, Shall I...?

-Yes, please. Can you look in the mirror?

-I love that nose.

-What I see in your nose is that the dorsum here,

the bridge, is a little too wide and too flat. OK?

The nose is a little bit too short and is pointing up too much.

And when I look at you, I see inside your nostrils.

-And I personally don't like that.

-OK.

# I've played tennis all over

# From Florida to Bosnia-Herzegovina...

I'll have to check if that country's called that.

# ..But I've never met a girl as beautiful as Isabelle

# More beautiful than Maria Sharapova

# Felt like I was being torn apart by the hounds of hell

# Day I fell in love with my Isabelle

# Oh...

# Isabelle. #

-That's all I've got at the moment.

-That's beautiful.

Here we go. So...voila!

That's your basic set, as it were.

-Your wedding area.

-Dark, innit?

-It'll be lit. It's not this dark.

And it's peopled with, as you described to us before,

maybe a little panoply of people.

-I don't know what you think.

-It just looks so dark to me.

-Will the floor be black?

-I'm saying it'll be lit.

For a wedding, you don't want black walls and a black floor.

-No, these are star lights.

-Do you?

-No.

-These are like little stars.

-I don't care, that's a black floor

and it's not right for a wedding.

It makes it easier for you to stand out in your white or in a colour.

-I don't like the sound of it. Carry on, but I don't like it.

-Carry on.

-I don't like the sound of it.

-Matt?

A few flowers to cheer it up. It looks like a morgue.

Flowers don't exist in this concept. In this theme.

Busby Berkeley was not full of flowers.

-What are you doing?

-It was about angles, geometrics,

art deco, shapes, bodies... She's nodding, she knows.

What are the lights for?

With spotlights in black, we'll just see you,

-not the people hanging around.

-What's the point in having people?

Shut the fuck up! Seriously, shut the fuck up!

Excuse me, this is my house.

Excuse nothing. We had this out yesterday.

-Shut up!

-I beg your pardon! Goodness me!

-Who the hell do you think you are?

-We're losing the wedding planners.

Blimey! It's all gone pear-shaped.

-No, you put it pear-shaped.

-Your fault!

Not mine, not Sam's, not Jen's,

you shouted like you were on a market.

If you want to come and see us,

you two do, but we don't need to deal with your sister and mother,

because it is not their wedding and we won't do it.

Don't be so rude! Can you leave my house, please?

It will be an absolute joy.

This green is giving me a headache. Speaking of headaches...

Can you stop commenting on my house? Oh, my godfathers! I've had it!

-I've had enough.

-All right. OK. Take care.

-Thank you very much.

-You need that house.

-I don't want to talk to her again.

-That makes two us.

Thanks for coming. Have a safe journey.

That was a complete waste of time. That's all we need.

I was only trying to help. You might as well pack your bags now and go!

You've really upset me this time.

You won't apologise and repair it this time. Bugger off.

Matt's gone! He's gone out! I don't know where.

Could be lying on a bench somewhere.

He's gone cos of you, cos of the way you behaved.

Don't say you're worried about him, not after the way he behaved,

shouting at your sister and me, shouting in front of you.

Language like that? No!

He's shouting because he can't stand it. And I can't stand it any more.

Stand what any more?

Stand me and mum trying to help? Me wanting to do the choreography?

"I'll help out. I'll be in a dream ballet sequence."

I was so pleased when I heard you were coming back from the cruise.

I was so excited to see you. Then you come back and try and take over.

It's like you don't trust that I can do it on my own.

I've had to sit there and watch you and clap you

with half a flamingo coming out of your head.

"Look at Jen!" And it's my turn now!

I want to have a chance. I want it to be me and Matt.

Me and Matt getting married, loving each other.

Getting married in that spotlight. Give me one day, just one chance,

to have my day, my wedding day.

And I want you to be there loving me and supporting me,

not making me feel like some idiot!

BIRDSONG

HE SIGHS

Hello.

-HE WHISTLES

-Morning. Are you well?

Yeah. Cheers. Thanks a lot.

# Marriage is for old folks

# Old folks, not for me

# One husband, one wife, what've you got?

# Two people sentenced for life. #

You're not the first person to turn up here freaking out.

-Really?

-No. You've just got to accept

it's a stressful time. Take some time out and look after yourself

and look after her and don't get so wound up with it all.

You need a bit of "me" time. It's very difficult.

There's so much pressure. Particularly with this.

TUNELESS DISTANT SINGING

What's that?

Jesus Christ! What are you doing?! HE LAUGHS

Stop it! I better go and... HE LAUGHS

-# While I give to you...

-HE LAUGHS

# And you give to me...

-Fly, my Romeo. Fly!

-# True love...

-Aw! He's coming down!

-# True love

-# So on and on...

-Oh! Archie, look!

-Ooh!

-Lovebirds!

-# True love...

-That's beautiful!

# True love #

Oh, Archie!

# Summer breeze and blue, blue sky

# Memories of that beautiful July arriving early in the sun

# Playing games and having fun together #

Just put something on! Please!

I'm not going to get dressed just because your mother's coming.

-I'll have to go somewhere else.

-It's our room.

When I go to her house, I'll put some clothes on.

-Tubsy, darling!

-Mummy. Hello.

-How are you, sweetheart?

-Good, thank you.

-How are you?

-Fine. Where have they put you here?

-Oh, it's quite nice.

-It is nice.

Sweetheart, you're looking thinner. Well done. That's excellent.

Right. Well, I've had a long day, so it's lovely to be here.

There you are, sweetie.

-Hello, Mrs Roberts.

-Oh, hello.

Well, I suppose now I should call you Mum.

-Erm...

-Pleasant trip?

-'Down. And up.'

-Oh, my God!

Look at them!

That's ridiculous. That is absolutely ridiculous.

ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS

-Move over. I'm almost in these chairs here.

-Are you ready, Mum?

I don't know where Matt's coming from.

-Is that him? Is that us? Jenny, is this us?!

-Six. Seven. Eight.

-Go!

-Go!

Lower the arm.

-Oh, my God!

-What's he doing here?

-Oh, No! I don't believe it!

How did he know about it? Who talked to him? That's what I wanna know.

-Matt obviously knew about it.

-I could have been warned.

You all right? Don't get upset cos then it's like he's winning.

All right, Dave? You never said.

I wasn't sure he was coming but I'm glad he's here. Shall we get on?

It would've been nice if you'd told me that your dad was gonna be here.

-Sorry.

-Is he gonna be dancing?

-Yeah.

-No.

-Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Two. Three.

-Go!

One. Two. Three. Four.

And run. Good. Very good. Perfect.

Five. Six. Seven. Eight. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

-I'm sorry, but...

-Keep going! Keep going!

He's too close to me.

-Two, three, four. And up.

-For God's sake, Dave!

Do me a favour!

-I'm trying my best.

-How can anyone be so insensitive?

-Punch me in the back of the head.

-I'm not Fred Astaire.

-Pushing me like that.

-I'm not Ginger Rogers.

You're making me lose me balance.

There's only a little bit of room. We all have to try...

What I'm saying is, he's standing right next to me... Bish-bash-bosh!

-Making me wobble over.

-I'm doing me best.

-We've all gotta try...

If you were a bit more sensitive to what was happening...

And...

-Hi, guys.

-Hi.

-What's happened?!

-What do you mean?

-What's happened to your face?!

A nose job. A nose job. This is just protecting it.

-It's next week!

-How long's it on for?

-It's gonna be fine.

-Don't worry.

-We're not worried about this.

I'm only worried because I had to pay for it myself.

Right, Cliff Richard?

-Very possibly, yeah.

-What do you mean possibly?

He's out of the country, but if he can get back, he will.

If not, he'll send someone else who is more like him than he is.

-The big ball?

-We've got you a big ball.

-Where?

-It's arriving on the day.

-On the day?!

-It's £1,000 a day!

-How many ball boys?

-Six.

Or possibly even eight.

Choreographer?

We're still talking to her. We're still talking to her.

But we've got so many things to do.

If we can get a shape, right? We haven't got the budget

to get a choreographer in to do the whole thing. Listen.

If we can get a shape to it, on the day we can get her in.

We can get her in and she can tidy it up at the end.

But she's very busy with the other wedding.

She is a choreographer A choreographer is used to...

-Choreograph.

-Dance pieces!

-And provide ideas! Provide ideas.

No! That's what couples do who want to get married.

-We have given our ideas!

-Where have your ideas been?

We wanted dancer ball boys. We wanted you to arrive at a net.

-And everything was thrown out!

-No, you didn't. You never said...

We came to you at your club and said entrance of ball boys.

It's not our fault that you don't have enough friends to bring along

-who can do these things for you.

-Fuck you!

-No, please, Isabelle.

-We have friends!

-Where are they?

-Fuck off about the friends! It's not about friends!

-Of course it is!

-On the day, we need people...

-They can't make it!

-Her family are from Canada.

-We can't afford to fly them.

We can't afford it because we've had to spend all our money on her nose!

Thanks very much.

Oh, Arch, come on. Don't be silly. Come on, don't be silly.

Oh, come on. It's not your fault.

I just...

Oh. Come here. Come here.

Silly sausage.

Silly sausage. It's not your fault. They'll come back.

Don't be silly.

Come on, my big bear. Don't be silly. Come on.

Don't be silly.

I think they're coming back.

Don't let them see you like this. Don't let them see you.

Why not? They think I'm a stupid poof anyway.

Don't be stupid. I'm the poof, you're the straight man, silly.

-I'm sorry.

-It's OK.

I just wonder how long before she gets sick of me.

And before she, erm...

If we don't win the competition, I've got nothing to offer her.

I'm at the end of my tennis career and...

-OK.

-I've got no money and...

But I don't know whether in a year's time

she'll still wanna be married.

You know, if I haven't provided anything good for her or...

You know, if I'm not winning any tennis matches.

They're under huge pressure, these people, to...

to sort of have the perfect wedding.

So it's natural that they should take that out on us, I suppose.

If we didn't like it, we wouldn't be doing it, would we?

-You're tired, aren't you?

-Sorry?

-You're just tired. Just tired.

-No, I'm not tired. I'm fine.

Tell Mr Rusedski to ring me. I won't ring again.

The wedding's really soon and he wanted to come. OK?

Josef Worrell. You have my number. Thank you.

Do you like it?

HE LAUGHS

-Yeah.

-You don't.

I do. Why are you crying?

-Don't cry. Don't cry.

-It's good?

-I like it. Don't cry.

-It's OK, I like it.

-You do?

-Yeah. It's just a bit of a shock.

-Do you wanna see it from the side?

-OK.

-OK.

-You look gorgeous.

-Thanks.

-You all right?

-We're tremendous.

-Terribly exciting, isn't it?

-How can that nose go on the cover?

-Well, I didn't say it,

but I implied change it for the better.

-It wasn't for better, was it?

-It's ever so subtle.

-It's fucking out here!

-It looks like it's been broke and they reset it.

Is that the mother over there?

-She's not gonna be naked, is she?

-No.

-No-one wants to see that.

-Who's that?

-That's her sister.

-Sister of who?

Are you insisting that they wear clothes?

-I think it'd be better.

-I couldn't agree more. Stop this silly stuff.

-"Looking at the view." I've heard that one.

-Mum!

You think Jen would be that cheap to go with a stranger and have sex?

-We were going up there talking.

-This is my little girl here.

I can assure you, sir, that nothing... Vivien? Vivien?

So, here's to a wonderful day.

Here's to "Confetti". ALL: Cheers!

Oh, look, look. Somebody's set this right-handed.

OK, but it's good. It's good.

It's lovely. It's lovely. It's just detail. It's just detail.

-Start getting ready now.

-I'm getting ready, love.

-What's this?

-They need to come out. Go and see Marella now.

CHATTER

-Is everybody all right?

-All right?

You're short of numbers. A few people have disappeared.

-They've just gone to the loo.

-Please just make it a loo run.

-You look absolutely fabulous. All of you.

-So do you.

Thank you very much.

I can't say I hope you win, cos I don't, but good luck with it.

-Hope it goes well.

-I hope yours goes well.

-Thanks.

-No panic in the camp?

-No, it's lovely.

-Is it?

-I'm really worried.

-What are you talking about?

-I don't know if I can do it.

-Hey, hey. No, no, no.

-Just cos of the singing and stuff.

-Sam, it'll be fine.

Sam, listen to me. Breathe.

-You're singing...

-I'm gonna be sick.

-Sam, do you want me to come?

-I'm gonna be sick.

Keep her hair away from her face, if she's sick,

otherwise you get sick on the hair.

If it's something different that you'd like and you think

this is something new, regardless of whether you like it or not...

If you hate it, say, "That was original but I didn't like it."

Just popped by to say on behalf of "Confetti" magazine,

-the best of British. All right?

-Thanks.

And I think you've got a very, very strong chance. All right?

-Thank you. That's very nice.

-Smashing.

Yes, if you keep your clothes on. See you later.

What I'm about to say now is not meant as a criticism,

but you know you're sort of painted brown,

it's like there's a line.

I don't know if you'd noticed it and wanted to change it.

I know you're a perfectionist and I thought you might wanna change it.

Because you're a perfectionist and you wanna look as good as you can.

-I've fake-tanned it and done it...

-But that looks a bit like...

You don't get brown palms when you sunbathe.

-You don't sunbathe like that.

-No, but you look like Biffo the Bear.

There's a brown and a white... Huh?

We have to win. We have to win, so we will win.

We will win. Come on, Josef.

Come on. Do you wanna go through it?

-What if we lose?!

-We're not gonna lose.

-Why? How do we know?

-Because we're winners!

-We're going to win this!

-They'll kill us out there!

I'm sure you'll agree with me when I say marriage is about commitment.

We at "Confetti" are committed to pushing the envelope in weddings.

Today is about doing new and exciting weddings,

things that maybe you haven't seen before.

The couples are backstage now. Do remember the work is over now,

everything is prepared, so just relax, take a breath,

and get ready to enjoy yourselves.

Let's move on to our first wedding. It's taking place over here.

You can guess what the theme is.

Ladies and gentlemen, "Confetti" gives you Josef and Isabelle.

WIMBLEDON THEME TUNE PLAYS

MC: Welcome to Wimbledon on this absolutely glorious summer's day.

There's a palpable sense of excitement here

amongst this full house. A real buzz around Centre Court.

This really does promise to be the most wonderful occasion.

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

Oh, and here they are! Here they come!

I say!

# What a day this has been

# What a rare mood I'm in

# Why, it's almost like being in love

-# And there's this smile on my face for the whole human race...

-BANG!

# Why, it's almost like being in love

# And all the music of life seems to be

# Like a bell that is ringing...

-Who'll call?

-I will.

Heads.

-Sorry, it's tails.

-I'll serve.

Josef Cecil Worrell has won the toss and elected to serve.

APPLAUSE

Quiet, please. And play.

-I, Josef Cecil Worrell,...

-# Love is in the air...

..know of no legal reason

-why I may not be married to Isabelle Frances Fontaine.

-15-love.

I, Isabelle Frances Fontaine, know of no legal reason

-why I cannot be married to Josef Cecil Worrell.

-15-15.

I, Josef Cecil Worrell, take you, Isabelle Frances Fontaine,

-to be my lawfully wedded wife.

-30-15.

I, Isabelle Frances Fontaine, take you, Josef Cecil Worrell,

-to be my lawful, legal husband.

-30-30. New balls, please.

Isabelle...

..I've never won a tournament,

but I don't care, because I've won you.

40-30.

I know it's not been possible to have friends or family here today,

but that doesn't matter

cos you're here and that's all I'll need now and forever.

Deuce.

Isabelle, I can't promise I'll never be jealous again,

but I can promise that I'll look after you and love you

till the day I die.

MUSIC: "Love Is In The Air" by John Paul Young

# Love is in the air... # CHEERING

Josef Cecil Worrell, Isabelle Frances Fontaine,

it gives me great pleasure to pronounce you...

THUNDER

MC: Well, what a shame. Covers are going on.

Looks like a passing shower, so hopefully it'll not...

What's this? THUNDER

Someone's standing up! It's Cliff Richard!

Oh, my goodness! He's going to sing!

What a privilege to be here!

# I've got myself a crying, talking, sleeping, walking, living doll

# I've got to do my best to please her just cos she's my living doll

# I've got a roving eye and that is why she satisfies my soul

# I've got my one and only walking, talking, living doll! #

CHEERING

# Love is in the air

CHEERING

# ..Love is in the air... #

MC: Game, set and match.

# ..Love is in the air. #

-You could try a bit harder.

-I am trying!

But this isn't what we wanted to do.

I've had everybody telling us what to do, sticking stuff on us.

I've got leaves in places I didn't know existed!

How do you think I feel? They've done it to me!

Right. Well, as if that wasn't a treat enough,

and I think it was, we've got three weddings to get through

and we're on to our second.

This one's very interesting. I love it, I love the concept.

I've not seen anything yet but I love the idea.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Michael and Joanna.

CHEERING

# I lay before you all I have to offer

# King of my heart

# I need to know you

# And I need to love you more

# King of my heart

# And you're king, and you're king

# And you're king, and you're king

# So I'm queen

# And you're king in my heart

# And it's love, and it's love

# That I lay at your feet, at your feet

# King of my heart

# I love you, king of my heart

# How I love you, king of my heart. #

Oh, Tubsy!

I vow to never make you cover up for shame or fear or duty.

You'll never need to shed your clothes for me to see your beauty.

I won't ignore our differences, but let them just connect.

One word for that is compromise, a better one's respect.

They drove you mad, but do not fear, for now you have a wife.

Your husband's here, screw them, my dear,

their wedding but our life.

For you join the dots between the stars like a pen of heaven's manna.

You make two houses into one, you join me up, Joanna.

You're like an angel overhead, but with me on a cycle.

Come live with me and be my love, my Gabriel, my Michael.

Ladies and gentlemen, now that Michael and Joanna

have exchanged head rings and promised themselves to each other,

a solemn moment has come for the couple to make their marriage contract.

Would you please all stand?

I call upon these persons here present to witness that I,

Michael Gabriel Collier,...

I call upon these persons here present to witness that I,

Michael Gabriel Collier,

do take thee, Joanna Martha Roberts, to be my lawful wedded wife.

I call upon these persons here present

to witness that I, Joanna Martha Roberts,

do take thee, Michael Gabriel Collier,

to be my lawful wedded husband.

It gives me great pleasure to pronounce you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

APPLAUSE

BELL RINGS

Whoo-hoo!

Well, ladies and gentlemen, that was Michael and Joanna.

And I think we can all... Let's all raise our glasses to them.

The happy couple, Michael and Joanna. What a wonderful, wonderful thing.

Listen, everyone, we're not going to worry about the steps, the tune,

we're just gonna have fun, OK? None of us are singers or dancers.

-I am.

-Well, sorry, yeah.