Confetti


Confetti

Improvised mockumentary following three couples as they compete to host the most original wedding of the year. Featuring a host of talent from British TV comedy.


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Transcript


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This film contains strong language.

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MUSIC: "The Wedding March" by Felix Mendelssohn

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CHURCH BELLS CHIME

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My name is Antoni Clarke and I am a bride's best friend.

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I'm not gay.

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I own "Confetti" magazine,

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but Vivien is the editor, and she's the backbone of the publication.

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She does all the day-to-day WORK, if you like.

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This will be the event of the year.

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We have to go for it as the event of the year. It's immense.

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Our reputation is hanging on a thread if we fail in this.

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It's half an hour on a Saturday afternoon, three weddings.

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It's easy. All you have to do is hold up a card and say 10 or nil point.

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We're very excited. We were going to do another Bride of the Year

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but that'd just end up being given to a woman in a white dress again.

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So we thought we'd do the most original wedding as an idea.

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We're giving away a house

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to the couple with the most original wedding.

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Not everyone wants to get married in a crazy way.

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Not everyone wants their special day, erm... ruined by a gimmick.

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But some people do.

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THROATY RASPING

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Pitch us your vision of the most original wedding.

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We're really into dinosaurs. We're raptors, actually.

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-It's a dinosaur-themed wedding?

-Absolutely.

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-We want it in a cave.

-Thanks so much for coming in.

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-So soon?

-I don't want to waste your time. Next.

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Hi, hello. Thank you so much for coming.

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All the guys are gonna be dressed as Elvis Presley.

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And the girls will be dressed as, you know, teddy girls.

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-Do you think it's been done before?

-No.

-Right, next.

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Vivien, am I gonna be meeting more mental people today?

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We're going to get married following the Daffodil Route around Wales.

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It's a train route. It starts in Cardiff.

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You wanted to come and win a house. It's not gonna happen. Goodbye.

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There are three changes on the way.

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I'm sure you loved it. You love a train.

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She was pretty. We could actually partner her up with somebody else.

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What we had in mind was a kind of ancient Roman wedding.

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Great!

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It starts with the sacrifice of a pig at the bride's house.

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Fuck me!

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But maybe with some hairstyle around it and a prescription lens.

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ANTONI SIGHS Next!

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HORN HONKS Get out.

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If we were producing an updated version of "The Joy of Sex",

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you two would be perfect.

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Naturists or "Joy of Sex"?

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"The Joy of Sex" are better looking,

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but the naturists, well, it's more...it's more "Confetti".

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I don't want them at all, I'd rather have the Romans.

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That's as may be. Naturists, tennis, musicals.

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'Our submission was accepted.'

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-And our submission is the musicals.

-A musical wedding.

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Hollywood musicals, that's what we're going for.

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The idea that we pitched is it's in the style of Busby Berkeley,

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so it's a big production number.

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We're having the bridesmaids as the chorus girls.

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You know, they have the sweeping kind of staircase of bridesmaids

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and Jen, my sister, obviously, she'll be bridesmaid-of-honour.

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-Won't she?

-Absolutely.

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She's a dancer. She's in Bahrain with a cruise.

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She travels a lot. We don't always know where she is.

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'I work in a care home for the elderly.'

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Sam comes along sometimes.

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She helps out, she helps me. She sings for them. Lovely.

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I'm slightly tone deaf, but Matt's always said

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if I wasn't tone deaf I'd have a very good voice.

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-Yeah, that's true.

-Erm...er...so I enjoy it.

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-Self-confidence, that's all it is.

-Yeah.

-A lot of it is confidence.

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-The vision for our wedding is quite simple. Tennis.

-Tennis.

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Yeah! Whoo! Come on, Josef!

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I mean, we are gonna win. If you're listening, losers,

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-the other people, give it up.

-Stop!

-Stop now cos we're gonna win.

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It's not about how good our wedding is,

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it's about can we do anything to make theirs...

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That's what you do in tennis, look at someone's game and destroy it.

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Yeah, we have a coach. Well, I say "coach"...

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-We have a coach.

-It's, er...

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Jesus. He's amazing. He's so supportive.

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My inner game's gone at the moment. He's working on that with me.

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That's what we're working on.

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-He's interested in getting inside you.

-He's fantastic at it.

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# I like to ride my bicycle with you #

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-'I'm Michael. This is Joanna.'

-'Joanna.'

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And, yeah, I've been a naturist all my life.

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-LOUD SPLASH

-Er... Joanna's... Oh!

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-Joanna's quite new to it, really.

-A beginner.

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Summerland is the oldest naturist camp in the country.

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Mum and Dad lived here and they were naturists.

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Well, my dad was a policeman, my mum worked as a legal secretary.

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And they do worry a bit that I'm in a cult.

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It's not a cult. It's not a cult.

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-'We are all naked, apart from clothes.'

-All the time.

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When you take the clothes off, it's more obvious.

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I know for this film I'm supposed to sit so you can't see my penis,

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-but I'm looking at my penis now...

-It's lovely.

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..and it seems absolutely fine to me.

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The auditions we had, I was very excited about it, but I'm not now.

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'One is a potential idea, perhaps, the musical couple.'

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No, no, no. You're going back to singing out of tune again, dear.

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The tennis couple maybe could work.

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'But the girl has the most extraordinary nostrils.'

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I can't take my eyes off them. So if you put that on a front cover

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the nation won't be able to take their eyes off them.

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The third choice?

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Oh, I mean, where do you want me to start?

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'They want to be on the front cover naked!'

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But I'm optimistic.

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I have my wedding planners coming in soon,

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Heron and Hough, and they seem absolutely dynamic.

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DOOR SQUEAKS

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Push a bit from the other side. That's it. There. All right.

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Come in.

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-Hi. Hello.

-This is my partner.

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-Heron and Hough.

-Your dreams are enough.

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I think this is going to be the most extraordinary,

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-theatrical wedding love celebration.

-A three-ring circus.

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A three-ring circus of love. We'll be right at its centre.

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Don't show them that! Come away! Don't show them that!

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-This...

-No! Stop it!

-This is our award wall.

-No!

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-Erm...

-You shouldn't show them that.

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-I know, but...

-Don't show them that one or that one.

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-'We're not clear on budget.

-No.

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'But it's a very big magazine.'

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So we're safely assuming there will be some money to spend.

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-Just a little bit.

-'We've already started.

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'We haven't met the couples yet, but we have a load of ideas

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'that we want to spring on them.'

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'One's first instinct is often the best.'

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-Black and silver sparkle.

-Lovely. Good choice.

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'Cos also we're up against time.

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'We will often plan a wedding over 9, 12, 18 months,

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'and we have three months to plan three weddings.'

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-'Which we're up for.

-Mad as cheese, the pair of us.'

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What we give people is a huge part of ourselves.

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-It's our wedding on the day.

-We have not lost one yet.

-No.

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Nobody who has been married at one of ours who is not still together.

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-Don't serve so hard to her.

-What?

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-She won't get any better.

-You are a man!

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-Are you in the room?!

-Do it again.

-What, serve so you can miss it?

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Jesus is, er...exceptionally...

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an exceptionally mediocre coach.

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My name is Jesus and I'm from Spain.

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Erm... yep. That's the difficulties of my name is

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because I'm called Jesus.

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I mean if anyone goes around calling themselves Jesus, frankly,

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it's a bit sad. There must be a deep well of insecurity in there.

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I will hurt if they're getting married,

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because I think he is not the appropriate man for her.

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'I mean, she needs more love, she needs more smiling.'

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And she needs a little bit more of sweetness.

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Back.

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-And front.

-No, don't stop. I think this is good.

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-What's good?

-I... just wait.

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-Are you ti-red?

-No, I'm not ti-red.

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-Just for the...

-I'm tired.

-Positive.

-Sorry.

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Just for the opening, I was feeling something.

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-Take my hands.

-What were you feeling?

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-That this could be used.

-BOTH: For the wedding?

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-Yeah.

-Excellent.

-Who's getting married?

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'He goes on about how warm they are in the Mediterranean,

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'that they're very tactile people,

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'but he doesn't touch anyone as much as he touches my fiancee.'

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I don't think...

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Oi! I'm watching.

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' "Rules of entry. Number one.

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' "You hereby confirm that you're not already married." '

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"Two. You agree to participate in pre-marriage counselling."

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Counselling.

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-Counselling?

-Yes.

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-I'm not doing counselling.

-Josef...

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I'm not doing counselling. I've done counselling. I'm not doing it!

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I'm not doing it!

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Let's just concentrate on how we want these people to look.

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The tennis players, we want them to look SO glamorous.

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-We want them to win, don't we?

-I quite like the musical couple.

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-They're sweet.

-They'll look wonderful.

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She's a little dowdy.

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She'll be fine if we dress her in a beautiful dress.

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You never know, the naturist couple on the day might be fantastic.

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No-one wants to see her muff.

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You chose them.

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# Summer breeze and blue, blue sky

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# Memories of that beautiful July... #

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'I was quite excited by the people we met.'

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Of the three couples, I wouldn't want to favour any of them.

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I think they're all exciting, very much in love, I think.

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'I'm having slight problems with the tennis, Isabelle and Josef.'

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'And a woman that only wears things that she's knitted herself

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-'is just gonna be difficult.'

-Yes, and...they did smell.

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# Take me back to the time when we were so carefree and easy

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# Building castles in the sand

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# While our dreams were strolling hand in hand

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# And like the love you bring

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# You're the song I sing and everything is you #

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-Well, it was...

-It was a really good day.

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-It was an amazing day.

-There were so many things to see.

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And also from the time that Sam had her makeover...

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The fact that she was chosen to have a makeover anyway was,...

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"Oh, my God!"

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# I see tomorrow in her eyes

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# And where my future lies

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# So I don't need a crystal ball at all

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# Because I've seen tomorrow in her eyes

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# And time shall hold no sad surprise

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# Nor helloes and goodbyes

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# No, I don't need a crystal ball at all

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# Because I've seen tomorrow in her eyes

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# I've seen tomorrow

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# In her eyes. #

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'They just happened to pick her

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to have a makeover out of all those people?'

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So we had to have a word. A civil word.

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'And they kindly agreed to, er... to go again.'

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-WOMAN:

-Oh! Doesn't she look gorgeous?

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Big round of applause for the lovely Isabelle!

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She's got herself in a picture.

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She's got herself in... Can you see her at the back?

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-Hi.

-Oh, hi.

-Come on in.

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-Lovely to see you.

-You, too. Perch yourself on the couch.

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-Hi. Lovely to see you. In you come.

-Thanks.

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OK. Well, first and foremost,

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thank you so much for coming and doing this job.

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-We are so excited.

-Good. I'm thrilled.

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Now to cut to the chase, several things on my mind need to be sorted.

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Firstly, I need, and this has also come from the powers above,

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I need one venue for all three weddings. For the competition.

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-For all the weddings?

-Yes.

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Because we'd thought about Queen's Club and Roland Garros.

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I love your ideas but they're not within the budget.

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So, one venue. Now a second point, and one that does concern me,

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are the naturists. I need the naked girl dressed.

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-I need her in a dress.

-In a dress?

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-In a dress, yes.

-But they're nudists.

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-No, they're naturists.

-All right, but they take their clothes off.

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-Well, I need them in a dress.

-Does she know that?

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-No. That's your job to tell her.

-Right.

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BIRDSONG

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-Do they actually play volleyball?

-We're going to find out.

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-I feel a bit sick actually, Archie.

-Oh, my God!

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Oh, my! It's a naked man on a bike!

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-It's a naked...

-Yeah, all right.

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-Keep your eye on the road.

-Did you see that?

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-Yeah, I'm choosing to ignore it.

-No clothes on, just riding around.

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Just pull up here. Pull up here.

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Then it will be obvious, won't it, when we meet them?

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-How you doing?

-Hi!

-Hey.

-Nice to see you again.

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-Hi.

-Hi. Joanna. Remember?

-Hi. Archie.

-Hi.

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-Hiya. Glad you could make it.

-Sorry, I stood on your toe.

-I'm OK.

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-Thanks for coming.

-Yeah. Let's...

-..show you round.

-Yes.

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-Hi, guys.

-Hi there. Hello.

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You have a game of badminton and no need to wash your kit.

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So that's a bonus.

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-Do you play badminton?

-No.

-Right.

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You are aware that these weddings will take place in the same venue,

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on the same day, one after another, concurrently?

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-In a venue?

-No, I didn't know that.

0:17:440:17:47

No, it isn't... Well, it is clear,

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but it isn't underlined, I don't think.

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It just says you have to approve where we do it.

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The magazine has decided that to make it easier for the judges

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it all has to be inside and on one occasion.

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-What's that?

-This is "Primavera" by...

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-Who's he?

-No, it's a painting by Botticelli.

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It explores some of nature's themes.

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You've got apples, pears and things, and the elements blowing on her.

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And there's flowers and so on. And the strength of the sword.

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She's just slightly veiled and you can see the nakedness underneath.

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But that's just wacky costumes. It's just costumes.

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It's kind of theatre. It's not real. We're about nature and real.

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-Oh, hi. Thanks so much.

-Quite all right. Where do you want it?

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-I'll move those. Thanks.

-That's quite all right.

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What are we going to do?

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-They're going to want to walk in and take their clothes off, right?

-Yes.

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-Do you think we should allow them to?

-Yes, if that's what they want.

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-I think that too.

-Absolutely.

-They should be allowed to.

0:18:570:19:01

To ask them to get married clothed

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is contrary to everything we believe in.

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They must be naked people as they get married cos that's who they are.

0:19:060:19:10

-Lovely. So...musical?

-Musical? "The King and I".

0:19:100:19:14

It's not "The King and I"!

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Why does it have to be? "The King and I" this, "The King and I" that!

0:19:170:19:21

It offers so much design-wise.

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It's East meets West, fantastic opportunity for food.

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-I can get hold of elephants.

-I'm thinking "Singing in the Rain"!

0:19:260:19:31

I can see it. We can have the rain from Wimbledon falling over MGM.

0:19:310:19:36

I can just see. "On The Town". Please, "On The Town"!

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-I hate "On The Town"!

-How can you hate "On The Town"?!

0:19:400:19:43

-That woman in the cab drives me mad.

-Oh, she's wonderful.

0:19:430:19:47

So, folks. El maestro.

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-Sorry we're late.

-This is Paul. Sam.

0:19:520:19:54

Nice to meet you. Hello.

0:19:540:19:56

-Hi, again.

-Hello! How are you?

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Paul has been working with us on some ideas for your wedding.

0:20:000:20:05

-Oh, lovely.

-Which we'd like to show you.

0:20:050:20:08

-This is nice.

-So we've put some stools out.

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It's kind of like a little show. If you could take the stools.

0:20:110:20:15

-We're gonna show you...

-Now?

0:20:150:20:18

And we want to show you what we've come up with

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as potential vows for your wedding.

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-Shall I take my coat off?

-PIANO PLAYS

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# I give you my love, always

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# To have and to hold, always

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# Our life to unfold

0:20:390:20:42

# As man and wife

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# Always

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# Always

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BOTH: # I give my life to you

0:20:530:20:59

# Ever more shall my heart be true

0:20:590:21:04

# For the rest of our lives

0:21:040:21:08

# We'll live as one

0:21:080:21:15

# Always

0:21:150:21:19

# Always. #

0:21:190:21:26

-That is really amazing.

-Exciting, isn't it?

0:21:290:21:32

-That's amazing.

-Do you like that?

0:21:320:21:34

Yep, I love it. And it's a bit like ours.

0:21:340:21:38

-Off your bottom and show us.

-Ours isn't as good.

0:21:380:21:42

We've just cobbled that together. We'll find some middle ground.

0:21:420:21:46

BOTH TUNELESSLY: # I promise to love you

0:21:460:21:52

# I promise to care for you

0:21:520:21:57

# I promise to always make you laugh. #

0:21:570:22:02

You're both singing in different keys.

0:22:020:22:05

-Yep.

-Yeah, that's... harmony.

0:22:050:22:08

Oh.

0:22:080:22:10

We know we can't be here, but if it's there, it has to be clothed.

0:22:100:22:15

-I didn't hear them say that.

-For me it has to be clothed.

0:22:150:22:19

-You want it to be?

-I'm happy as a naturist with you,

0:22:190:22:23

but I'm not happy being undressed in front of lots of clothed people.

0:22:230:22:27

It's been your life forever and I'm new to it still.

0:22:270:22:30

You won't give them nightmares. You look beautiful.

0:22:300:22:33

-They'll laugh. Some will laugh.

-They won't laugh.

0:22:330:22:36

I'm not prepared to feel humiliation on our wedding day.

0:22:360:22:40

It's completely their problem. I think it's your mum that does this.

0:22:400:22:44

Think about your mum, picture your mum. Do you wanna get dressed?

0:22:440:22:48

Yes. See, there we go. It's her.

0:22:480:22:52

She's so...clothed!

0:22:520:22:56

# When we were young

0:22:560:23:00

# You used to laugh so much

0:23:000:23:04

# But now you're always buying wine

0:23:040:23:07

# And wanking on about your sofa. #

0:23:070:23:11

I'm like Eno on speed.

0:23:110:23:13

-I just kinda take the whole thing...

-Speedo.

0:23:130:23:17

Speedo. This is what we're like. This is what we used to be like.

0:23:170:23:23

-We still are, sort of.

-Yeah.

0:23:230:23:25

# You've made your bed

0:23:250:23:30

# I hope you lie in it

0:23:300:23:33

# With the girl who stole our dreams away

0:23:330:23:37

# She's just like Yoko Ono Dead man walking

0:23:370:23:42

# Can't you hear...

0:23:420:23:44

# Can't you hear your old friend talking? #

0:23:440:23:47

We can do "Wizard of Oz". "Wizard of Oz" is a musical, right?

0:23:470:23:51

-Yeah. You mean at the wedding?

-Yes.

0:23:510:23:54

You've got the bass, the Cowardly Lion.

0:23:540:23:58

The Tin Man on drums. Dorothy on guitar.

0:23:580:24:02

-The second guitar can be the, er...

-BOTH: Toto.

0:24:020:24:06

-The little dog.

-Not a bad idea.

0:24:060:24:08

-Little monkey with the wings.

-You're taking the mickey out of me.

0:24:080:24:12

-No, the Flaming Lips do it.

-It's not a joke, it's our wedding.

0:24:120:24:17

The Flaming Lips do it. Matt, I can speak to her.

0:24:170:24:20

You don't need to speak to her. I'm gonna have to calm this one down

0:24:200:24:24

-because she thinks you're taking the piss.

-I'm not.

0:24:240:24:27

She liked it until the monkey with the wings.

0:24:270:24:30

-Was it the monkey?

-It was the monkey. I saw her face and it dropped.

0:24:300:24:34

We don't have to do the monkey. I could be the Wicked Witch.

0:24:340:24:39

-'I'm a bit anxious.'

-'We're both anxious.'

0:24:410:24:44

'Today is a big day. We've got the wedding planners coming in,

0:24:440:24:49

'and hopefully they have come up with something exciting for our wedding,

0:24:490:24:53

-'because we've not heard much.

-We gave them a lot of information.

0:24:530:24:58

-'We hope they'll come back today...

-With something concrete.'

0:24:580:25:01

-Sorry, we're late.

-OK. Let's not waste any more time.

0:25:010:25:05

-Shall we just show you? It's in our heads, we'll do it.

-Go for it.

0:25:050:25:09

-Opening of your ceremony.

-Brilliant.

0:25:090:25:11

-Where do you want us?

-If you just go over there.

0:25:110:25:15

-You're the congregation.

-Brilliant.

-We're looking that way.

0:25:150:25:19

-Come on.

-Let's just give them a chance. You never know.

0:25:190:25:24

The parade of the ball boys.

0:25:240:25:27

On they come.

0:25:270:25:29

Go!

0:25:360:25:37

Go!

0:25:410:25:43

Ooh!

0:25:470:25:50

And then from the back come... you're gigantic balls!

0:25:500:25:55

-All the way down on the tramlines.

-Right.

0:25:570:26:02

Then you perform your vows and you're married.

0:26:020:26:05

-That's the start. What do you think?

-HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

0:26:050:26:10

That's not... We need to speak to someone professional.

0:26:100:26:14

You move beautifully both of you,

0:26:140:26:17

but we need someone who knows what they're doing properly

0:26:170:26:20

-with ball boys and ball girls. Don't we?

-Yeah.

0:26:200:26:25

-So a choreographer.

-We think the choreographer, really,

0:26:250:26:29

should be the remit of the MGM wedding couple.

0:26:290:26:35

We can't have a choreographer because they've got one?

0:26:350:26:38

Well, because their dance is key, central...

0:26:380:26:42

-It's central to ours.

-I've worked a lot on it.

0:26:420:26:45

Right before you came, I was working on the moves.

0:26:450:26:48

-She does dancing.

-I thought you'd injured yourself.

0:26:480:26:52

Yeah, whatever. We need a... We asked for a...

0:26:520:26:57

-The problem...

-Oh, for God's sake! It's Jesus!

0:26:570:27:02

Can you get rid of him? I have to explain something to you.

0:27:020:27:07

We have to win this competition. No, if, but or maybe, we have to win.

0:27:070:27:11

-We are in severe financial... What are you doing?

-I invited him along.

0:27:110:27:16

-Can you go away!

-No. I invited him here.

-I want him to go!

0:27:160:27:19

-I want him to stay!

-I want him to go!

0:27:190:27:22

-Hey, listen, speak nice to her.

-No, can you go?

0:27:220:27:27

-What's it like being short?

-Josef, stop! You're rude all the time!

0:27:270:27:31

What's the weather like down there?

0:27:310:27:33

What's Spanish for "Go away, you fairy"?

0:27:330:27:36

-Josef, stop it!

-Say "I love you". Not this bad word.

-I'm sorry?!

0:27:360:27:40

-What do you have to say to her?

-# Love is in the air...

0:27:400:27:44

-Stop it!

-# Everywhere I look around...

0:27:440:27:48

Josef! No! No!

0:27:480:27:50

-# Love is in the air...

-No! No! No!

0:27:500:27:53

# Every sight and every sound...

0:27:530:27:55

-Now, listen. Listen, please!

-Stop it! Stop it!

0:27:550:27:59

Please, listen. Please, now listen to me. You do not have an education

0:27:590:28:03

from a boarding school in the north of England

0:28:030:28:06

and be the only gay boy there and not know how to handle yourself.

0:28:060:28:10

If you move again, I'm going to break your arm, understand?

0:28:100:28:14

-He doesn't deserve you.

-He'll be fine.

0:28:140:28:18

-He just needs to run it off.

-Sorry.

-It's fine. It's fine.

0:28:180:28:22

-So from the top.

-No, I think... Oh, God!

-No!

0:28:220:28:27

# Love is in the air...

0:28:270:28:30

-Oh, my God!

-# Love is in the air

0:28:300:28:33

You stop it! And you stop it! Just stop it! This is ridiculous!

0:28:330:28:39

It's just stupid! I come here for this?!

0:28:390:28:42

I was appalled by that and shocked.

0:28:420:28:46

It was terrifying. It was a terrifying experience.

0:28:460:28:50

It's in my top ten terrifying experiences.

0:28:500:28:53

It's not what we're used to, it's not the world we work in.

0:28:530:28:57

But we showed them a few things and we'll come back and show them more.

0:28:570:29:03

You showed them some things, you stood up for me and yourself.

0:29:030:29:09

It was amazing. It was wonderful, Archie.

0:29:090:29:13

It was really wonderful. You do know that. I'm so proud of you.

0:29:130:29:17

-Come on, let's go. We'll see you later. Bye.

-Bye.

0:29:170:29:22

People don't like me, do they?

0:29:220:29:24

-Josef, people like you.

-Who?

0:29:240:29:27

-I like you.

-You don't count.

0:29:270:29:29

-Why not?

-You do, but not in people who like me.

0:29:290:29:33

-Why not?

-Because you obviously like me.

0:29:330:29:35

-Do you like me?

-Josef, I...

-I don't like me.

0:29:350:29:39

-Maybe that's the real problem.

-Thank you, Dr Freud.

0:29:390:29:43

Well, I'm just saying. I have more experience, I went to counselling.

0:29:430:29:47

-I'm not going to counselling.

-I'm saying if you had stayed longer,

0:29:470:29:51

maybe we could have answered these questions.

0:29:510:29:54

We're gonna get you in a positive space right now.

0:29:560:29:59

I don't feel that you are. Know what we've got?

0:29:590:30:02

You wanna hold that for a while? Hold it. Huh? That's what we've got.

0:30:050:30:10

-And we've got...

-I won this ten years ago.

0:30:100:30:13

Hold this. Come on, hold it.

0:30:130:30:17

Look at me. Ugh! Come on, Josef, give me the...

0:30:170:30:21

-That's it!

-HE SIGHS

0:30:210:30:24

-Hello.

-Nice to see you. You all right?

0:30:270:30:30

-Hello, Sam.

-Hi. This is Jen, my sister.

0:30:300:30:34

-Oh, hello. Nice to meet you.

-Hi.

0:30:340:30:37

If you two lovebirds would like to flutter down with me.

0:30:370:30:40

-Do you want to come as well?

-Yeah, Jen's coming as well.

0:30:400:30:44

Jen's really interested. Jen's a professional choreographer.

0:30:440:30:49

And she'd like... She's gonna be choreographing the show.

0:30:490:30:53

-Oh.

-I've got loads of ideas.

0:30:530:30:56

I've done loads. I've been a dancer for 12 years, I've loads of ideas.

0:30:560:31:00

We're sorry about the other lady, but Jen really wants to do it.

0:31:000:31:04

We have the best dance choreographer in the country, you do realise that?

0:31:040:31:09

We were just explaining that I'm actually a professional dancer.

0:31:090:31:13

-Oh, really?

-And we've come up with some ideas.

0:31:130:31:19

What we're thinking is we've kind of got it wrapped up, really.

0:31:190:31:25

I can show you what we've got.

0:31:250:31:28

I'm not quite sure what the ideas are. I'm a bit new to this.

0:31:280:31:31

-Well, shall I...?

-Can you explain what it is?

0:31:310:31:34

I don't know that it is all wrapped up. The theme that we've gone after

0:31:340:31:40

-is '30s and '40s musicals, right?

-Right. Fred Astaire.

0:31:400:31:44

Exactly. Yeah.

0:31:440:31:46

-Who's the water woman?

-Sort of like Esther Williams.

0:31:460:31:50

-Yes. With hundreds of girls...

-Exactly.

0:31:500:31:53

A smaller version of that.

0:31:530:31:55

-It's like...

-Jen?!

0:31:550:31:59

-I might as well hop up.

-Jen's worked some moves out.

0:31:590:32:02

You've got two rows of girls. In Busby Berkeley they're in tinfoil.

0:32:020:32:07

And then, out! And the next girl, out!

0:32:070:32:09

And on the other side, all at the same time, out! Next girl, out!

0:32:090:32:14

-Next girl, out.

-Jen?

-And then Matt and Sam can sink down.

0:32:140:32:19

And you know the dream ballet in "Oklahoma"?

0:32:190:32:21

Dream Laurey comes out, me, same costume, wig, so I'm Sam.

0:32:210:32:25

-Jen?

-It just gives you an idea.

0:32:250:32:29

We do stuff like it on the ships all the time, you know.

0:32:290:32:32

-What do you think?

-If you'd like to do it, that's fine.

0:32:320:32:36

You don't need me.

0:32:360:32:38

What did you think about the dream ballet?

0:32:380:32:40

Cos Sam, with her physical dyslexia, she's gonna be all nervous.

0:32:400:32:45

-What?

-Sorry?

0:32:450:32:47

-Sam's got physical dyslexia.

-What's that?

0:32:470:32:50

Well, she's like...clumsy.

0:32:500:32:53

-Clumsy? You mean she can't dance?

-No, she can dance.

0:32:530:32:58

We danced as kids.

0:32:580:33:00

-We did competitions.

-I think it's great we've got Jen.

0:33:000:33:03

I'm sure she can play a strong role in this, but we're got Jenny here,

0:33:030:33:09

who is an expert in choreography as opposed to a dancer,

0:33:090:33:13

and we should be using her like we said.

0:33:130:33:16

-You weren't there, Chris.

-She's done the cruises for years.

0:33:160:33:20

-Exactly, cruise ships.

-She works out all the dances.

0:33:200:33:23

-Right.

-Who's a professional dancer? She is.

0:33:230:33:25

And this choreographer's not a professional?

0:33:250:33:28

All she wants to do is help her sister.

0:33:280:33:31

-Nothing wrong with that.

-No, but this isn't an ordinary wedding.

0:33:310:33:35

This is a competition. We've got to abide by the rules.

0:33:350:33:37

-It's still her wedding day.

-It's mine as well.

0:33:370:33:41

-Most important day of her life.

-Mine as well.

0:33:410:33:44

-I'll be your sister-in-law. Have you thought about that?

-Every night.

0:33:440:33:47

I know you're stressed and I know you're getting up really...

0:33:470:33:51

I know you're working hard and I'm totally...amazed...

0:33:510:33:56

-I'm getting married in a competition.

-But you're being so lovely.

0:33:560:34:00

You're being so lovely and you're putting your heart and soul into it.

0:34:000:34:04

-Yeah, for you.

-And I know that, but they don't.

0:34:040:34:08

They should know it. Why don't they know it?

0:34:080:34:11

-Cos they've not met...

-Not met me? I've lived here for nine months!

0:34:110:34:16

-They will see it.

-Christ!

0:34:160:34:18

All I'm saying is that you need to go and just do a bit of diplomacy.

0:34:180:34:23

-I will.

-I love you and I'm completely with you.

0:34:230:34:27

And I'm totally day by day

0:34:270:34:32

just amazed at how wonderful you are.

0:34:320:34:36

And I'm so pleased to be marrying you.

0:34:360:34:41

HE SIGHS

0:34:410:34:44

I come down the aisle, you're waiting at the altar for me

0:34:520:34:56

with Snoopy doing the sway, whatever.

0:34:560:35:00

I come shuffling down the aisle or whatever, in time, hopefully,

0:35:000:35:05

and then meet you at the altar.

0:35:050:35:08

The other question that I am worried about is who's gonna take me down?

0:35:080:35:12

What about your dad?

0:35:120:35:15

I don't... I'm not sure if he's gonna be there to be honest.

0:35:150:35:21

-At the moment it doesn't look like it.

-Why?

0:35:210:35:24

Because I haven't invited him, Mum hasn't, you haven't invited him.

0:35:240:35:28

I'd like him to be there, but I'm not in a position to...

0:35:280:35:35

-To invite your dad to your wedding?

-I...

0:35:350:35:37

I'm not in a position to...

0:35:370:35:44

I'm not in a position to... to do that.

0:35:440:35:49

You do want him there, don't you?

0:35:510:35:54

Him being there's more important than anything else we're talking about.

0:35:560:36:00

Or your family being there is more important than getting a song right.

0:36:000:36:05

I think your mum's gonna have to lump it for four hours of her life.

0:36:050:36:11

PIANO PLAYS

0:36:110:36:13

Feel this bit. That's it. Out.

0:36:190:36:22

And run to each other and round.

0:36:270:36:30

And turn out.

0:36:300:36:32

And back. Hold his face.

0:36:320:36:34

-LAUGHTER

-Should I hold him like that.

0:36:340:36:38

Where's Snoopy's bit?

0:36:380:36:40

You haven't done any of the music. It can't be this surely, you know.

0:36:410:36:46

Cos we've got a thing. La, la. Not that, it's bigger.

0:36:460:36:50

# Nomothetic relationship

0:36:500:36:54

# It makes me sick So very sick

0:36:540:36:57

# Your shining eyes like twisted wire

0:36:570:37:01

# On the cover of a dirty magazine

0:37:010:37:06

# Mouth full of razor blades

0:37:060:37:09

# Tongue just like shining steel

0:37:090:37:12

# You're making me ill

0:37:120:37:15

# On the cover of a dirty magazine... #

0:37:160:37:20

-Can you believe this?!

-I can do the twiddly bit.

0:37:260:37:29

-That's not good, but...

-I thought that could be the big...

0:37:310:37:37

-It's just not...

-It's called "Steel Ill"

0:37:370:37:41

Still ill, steel ill.

0:37:410:37:43

But what's it gotta do with the wedding?

0:37:430:37:46

-It's shiny.

-Is that what you think I am,

0:37:460:37:49

a girl on the cover of a porno magazine with a steel tongue?

0:37:490:37:53

-No, I'm not saying that.

-That it's nomothetic.

0:37:530:37:57

Nomothetic relationship, it makes me sick.

0:37:570:38:01

-So, our relationship makes you sick?

-No!

0:38:010:38:03

If you wanna sing that at our wedding, that's what it sounds like.

0:38:030:38:07

I'm saying everyone else's relationship is nomothetic.

0:38:070:38:11

-This is...

-There is no nomothetic.

0:38:110:38:14

What does pedantic mean?

0:38:140:38:16

-That's the whole...

-That's an interesting question,

0:38:160:38:19

-but now isn't the time to work it out.

-Listen to this.

0:38:190:38:22

# You're dragging me down

0:38:220:38:24

# You're making me frown

0:38:240:38:26

# Saw you crying in your sleep

0:38:260:38:30

# Please don't cry

0:38:300:38:34

# What does pedantic mean? #

0:38:340:38:38

-We're gonna have...

-You can do the lyrics.

0:38:380:38:40

Snoopy has a vital part to play in this wedding, no doubt.

0:38:400:38:45

He is Matt's best friend and he's talented and he will be there,

0:38:450:38:49

but this is their dream wedding and I'm prepared to kill or maim

0:38:490:38:54

for them to have that wedding, understand?

0:38:540:38:56

-Out you come, my honey.

-Here it goes. Bless.

0:39:000:39:04

She's looking a bit ragged.

0:39:040:39:06

-The squirrels have fallen.

-There. Which way around?

0:39:060:39:10

We're all moving around. It's like Dunsinane, isn't it?

0:39:100:39:12

-Right.

-That's "Midsummer Night's Dream"?

0:39:120:39:17

Yes, fairies, "Midsummer Night's Dream".

0:39:170:39:20

-They would arrive...

-Where's the couple?

0:39:200:39:22

-There we are.

-They're hiding.

0:39:220:39:24

-They're not going to be naked.

-This is our problem.

0:39:240:39:28

-It's tricky convincing them...

-We need this for the front cover.

0:39:280:39:33

-We can't have nude people.

-They're fine nude.

0:39:330:39:37

They won't be on the cover cos they won't win. I think we all know that.

0:39:370:39:40

-They may do.

-They may not.

-Don't write them off just cos they've got no clothes on.

0:39:400:39:46

What about having a little bush, if you'll pardon the language,

0:39:460:39:50

a bush area that covers the...

0:39:500:39:53

A bush area?! How elegant is that going to be on the cover?

0:39:530:39:57

If the topiary is done properly, I think it could be rather lovely.

0:39:570:40:01

-BOTH:

-Well...

-I gave you an agenda.

0:40:010:40:04

The agenda is no nudes.

0:40:040:40:06

To begin with, the dance is very formal.

0:40:120:40:17

Then...more country.

0:40:200:40:24

Oh! Suddenly, bright lights!

0:40:240:40:27

Oh! It's a rumble of something. What's this?

0:40:270:40:30

What it is is the arrival of your camper van. And inside, you...

0:40:300:40:35

..are the Queen of the Fairies.

0:40:380:40:41

And me, Oberon-like, King of the Fairies emerges from the camper van.

0:40:410:40:46

The Green Man guides them and comforts them.

0:40:460:40:49

And he is of course our Green Man/Registrar.

0:40:490:40:54

And you're married.

0:40:540:40:56

Well, I just think that completely sucks.

0:40:570:41:01

That whole thing is rubbish. This is our wedding.

0:41:010:41:05

We can't be prancing around like berks.

0:41:050:41:07

We have a little problem here that I think we ought to share with you.

0:41:070:41:12

That is that our brief, if you like,

0:41:120:41:16

is that your naturist wedding must not be naked.

0:41:160:41:20

That's come right from the top.

0:41:200:41:23

I really have to apologise. I mean, I chose these people.

0:41:230:41:28

And it was after lunch, they were the best of a bad lot,

0:41:280:41:32

I'd had a few glasses of wine, and I think...

0:41:320:41:35

-I made an error of judgement.

-We just need to deal with it now.

0:41:350:41:39

-We need to get them dressed.

-Yes, we do. We absolutely do.

0:41:390:41:43

-Michael, Joanna, lovely to see you.

-Come on in.

0:41:430:41:46

This gentleman is James Thursk. He's our lawyer.

0:41:460:41:49

And he sorts things out. We've got some sorting-out to do today.

0:41:490:41:53

Yeah. Erm... Well... We've been talking, and the problem is

0:41:530:41:57

that we were asked for an idea for an original wedding

0:41:570:42:00

and our idea was a naturist wedding and we've found out

0:42:000:42:04

that this is going to be a naturist wedding featuring no nudity.

0:42:040:42:08

Mr Thursk.

0:42:080:42:11

You can't expect anyone to put naked people on the cover of a magazine.

0:42:110:42:16

I'm talking about our wedding and us getting married.

0:42:160:42:20

As naturists, we know that you can't be a bit naked.

0:42:200:42:23

-You're naked or you're not.

-You're not naked now, you seem comfortable.

0:42:230:42:27

Is that some kind of challenge? OK.

0:42:270:42:31

-I don't think...

-Michael! This isn't good!

0:42:310:42:33

People don't appreciate that you're either naked or you're not.

0:42:330:42:37

Stop it there. Please! We're trying to have a civilised discussion.

0:42:370:42:42

I'm having a civilised discussion.

0:42:420:42:45

I can have a civilised discussion whether I'm dressed or not.

0:42:450:42:49

-He's becoming impossible!

-I'm staying here

0:42:490:42:53

until you write a new contract saying we can have the wedding

0:42:530:42:56

you said we could have.

0:42:560:42:59

That's just not going to happen. That simply isn't going to happen.

0:42:590:43:02

We cannot put out a magazine with people in it naked.

0:43:020:43:05

-Sorry about that, but we cannot do it.

-OK.

-That is the end of it.

0:43:050:43:09

Yeah, I guess it is. I guess that's the end.

0:43:090:43:13

Joanna, maybe if you just wore a wedding dress.

0:43:190:43:23

I'm not even sure I want to get married.

0:43:230:43:26

This is not what I dreamt of.

0:43:260:43:28

It's not becoming what I wanted for a wedding.

0:43:280:43:32

He's sleeping in the kitchen at the moment.

0:43:320:43:34

What if you dressed yourself up to allure him? You're always naked.

0:43:340:43:39

Maybe you become immune to each other cos being naked all the time,

0:43:390:43:43

you've got used to your bodies. There's no magic. James?

0:43:430:43:47

There's something very romantic about a wedding dress.

0:43:470:43:51

If I can just start by explaining why we're here, what it's all about.

0:43:510:43:57

We're here today to talk about what it means to be getting married.

0:43:570:44:02

There's not much to talk about. I felt that what we were going to do

0:44:020:44:07

was have a naturist wedding

0:44:070:44:10

and that'd involve people acting like naturists, AKA being naked.

0:44:100:44:14

It's A-K-A not AKA.

0:44:140:44:17

And, apparently, not everybody feels the same way,

0:44:170:44:21

including the person I hoped to marry.

0:44:210:44:24

I've expressed not a made-up problem but a real issue with me

0:44:240:44:28

that being naked in front of non-naturists is not that easy.

0:44:280:44:32

Nobody's going to laugh.

0:44:320:44:34

Your body is the most eloquent expression of how beautiful you are.

0:44:340:44:38

Get it into your thick head how much I respect you.

0:44:380:44:41

If we can just take "thick" out, there were nice words there.

0:44:410:44:46

You can always replace one.

0:44:460:44:49

-Let's take "thick" out then.

-Let's take "thick" out. Good. Good.

0:44:490:44:54

Could you...? Are you ready to shuffle up a bit yet on the...

0:44:540:44:58

settee? Well done.

0:44:580:45:01

Lovely. OK.

0:45:010:45:04

# I was walking along, minding my business

0:45:120:45:15

# When out of an orange-coloured sky

0:45:150:45:19

# Flash! Bam! Alakazam!

0:45:190:45:22

# Wonderful you came by

0:45:220:45:26

# I was humming a tune, drinking in sunshine

0:45:260:45:30

# When out of an orange-coloured view

0:45:300:45:34

# Flash! Bam! Alakazam!

0:45:340:45:37

# I got a look at you

0:45:370:45:41

# One look and I yelled, "Timber"

0:45:410:45:45

# "Watch out for flying glass"

0:45:450:45:48

# The ceiling fell in and the bottom fell out

0:45:480:45:50

# I went into a spin and I started to shout

0:45:500:45:52

-# "I've been hit"

-This is it! This is it!

0:45:520:45:56

# I was walking along, minding my business

0:45:560:45:59

# And love came and hit me in the eye

0:45:590:46:02

# Flash! Bam! Alakazam!

0:46:020:46:07

# Out of an orange-coloured sky. #

0:46:070:46:10

The wedding planners are not giving us the same service.

0:46:100:46:14

They are getting a choreographer. We're not allowed a choreographer.

0:46:140:46:17

-Next?

-She had a makeover at the fair

0:46:170:46:20

before we made a fuss and I got Isabelle to have one.

0:46:200:46:23

-Yes, you did.

-They're getting resources we are not.

0:46:230:46:27

-Is it rigged? Is that what it's about?

-Please!

0:46:270:46:30

-Is it rigged? I mean...

-Just tell us.

-Absolutely not!

0:46:300:46:33

Well, it doesn't seem like that from where we're sitting.

0:46:330:46:38

I chair the panel, I've got the casting vote, it will not be fixed.

0:46:380:46:42

You have the casting vote?

0:46:420:46:44

Yes.

0:46:440:46:46

So what do you... What are you looking for?

0:46:490:46:54

Isabelle, let's have a look at your nose.

0:46:540:46:58

-OK, Shall I...?

-Yes, please. Can you look in the mirror?

0:46:580:47:01

-I love that nose.

-What I see in your nose is that the dorsum here,

0:47:010:47:06

the bridge, is a little too wide and too flat. OK?

0:47:060:47:10

The nose is a little bit too short and is pointing up too much.

0:47:100:47:14

And when I look at you, I see inside your nostrils.

0:47:140:47:19

-And I personally don't like that.

-OK.

0:47:190:47:24

# I've played tennis all over

0:47:270:47:30

# From Florida to Bosnia-Herzegovina...

0:47:320:47:36

I'll have to check if that country's called that.

0:47:370:47:41

# ..But I've never met a girl as beautiful as Isabelle

0:47:410:47:45

# More beautiful than Maria Sharapova

0:47:460:47:50

# Felt like I was being torn apart by the hounds of hell

0:47:510:47:56

# Day I fell in love with my Isabelle

0:47:580:48:02

# Oh...

0:48:040:48:08

# Isabelle. #

0:48:150:48:18

-That's all I've got at the moment.

-That's beautiful.

0:48:200:48:24

Here we go. So...voila!

0:48:320:48:36

That's your basic set, as it were.

0:48:380:48:41

-Your wedding area.

-Dark, innit?

-It'll be lit. It's not this dark.

0:48:410:48:46

And it's peopled with, as you described to us before,

0:48:460:48:51

maybe a little panoply of people.

0:48:510:48:54

-I don't know what you think.

-It just looks so dark to me.

0:48:540:48:57

-Will the floor be black?

-I'm saying it'll be lit.

0:48:570:49:01

For a wedding, you don't want black walls and a black floor.

0:49:010:49:05

-No, these are star lights.

-Do you?

-No.

0:49:050:49:08

-These are like little stars.

-I don't care, that's a black floor

0:49:080:49:11

and it's not right for a wedding.

0:49:110:49:14

It makes it easier for you to stand out in your white or in a colour.

0:49:140:49:20

-I don't like the sound of it. Carry on, but I don't like it.

-Carry on.

0:49:200:49:24

-I don't like the sound of it.

-Matt?

0:49:240:49:26

A few flowers to cheer it up. It looks like a morgue.

0:49:260:49:30

Flowers don't exist in this concept. In this theme.

0:49:300:49:33

Busby Berkeley was not full of flowers.

0:49:330:49:36

-What are you doing?

-It was about angles, geometrics,

0:49:360:49:39

art deco, shapes, bodies... She's nodding, she knows.

0:49:390:49:43

What are the lights for?

0:49:430:49:45

With spotlights in black, we'll just see you,

0:49:450:49:49

-not the people hanging around.

-What's the point in having people?

0:49:490:49:52

Shut the fuck up! Seriously, shut the fuck up!

0:49:520:49:56

Excuse me, this is my house.

0:49:560:49:59

Excuse nothing. We had this out yesterday.

0:49:590:50:02

-Shut up!

-I beg your pardon! Goodness me!

0:50:020:50:05

-Who the hell do you think you are?

-We're losing the wedding planners.

0:50:050:50:08

Blimey! It's all gone pear-shaped.

0:50:080:50:10

-No, you put it pear-shaped.

-Your fault!

0:50:100:50:14

Not mine, not Sam's, not Jen's,

0:50:140:50:17

you shouted like you were on a market.

0:50:170:50:20

If you want to come and see us,

0:50:200:50:23

you two do, but we don't need to deal with your sister and mother,

0:50:230:50:26

because it is not their wedding and we won't do it.

0:50:260:50:29

Don't be so rude! Can you leave my house, please?

0:50:290:50:33

It will be an absolute joy.

0:50:330:50:35

This green is giving me a headache. Speaking of headaches...

0:50:350:50:39

Can you stop commenting on my house? Oh, my godfathers! I've had it!

0:50:390:50:43

-I've had enough.

-All right. OK. Take care.

0:50:430:50:47

-Thank you very much.

-You need that house.

0:50:470:50:51

-I don't want to talk to her again.

-That makes two us.

0:50:510:50:55

Thanks for coming. Have a safe journey.

0:50:560:50:59

That was a complete waste of time. That's all we need.

0:50:590:51:03

I was only trying to help. You might as well pack your bags now and go!

0:51:030:51:08

You've really upset me this time.

0:51:080:51:10

You won't apologise and repair it this time. Bugger off.

0:51:100:51:15

Matt's gone! He's gone out! I don't know where.

0:51:170:51:21

Could be lying on a bench somewhere.

0:51:210:51:24

He's gone cos of you, cos of the way you behaved.

0:51:240:51:27

Don't say you're worried about him, not after the way he behaved,

0:51:270:51:30

shouting at your sister and me, shouting in front of you.

0:51:300:51:34

Language like that? No!

0:51:340:51:37

He's shouting because he can't stand it. And I can't stand it any more.

0:51:370:51:41

Stand what any more?

0:51:410:51:43

Stand me and mum trying to help? Me wanting to do the choreography?

0:51:430:51:47

"I'll help out. I'll be in a dream ballet sequence."

0:51:470:51:50

I was so pleased when I heard you were coming back from the cruise.

0:51:500:51:53

I was so excited to see you. Then you come back and try and take over.

0:51:530:51:58

It's like you don't trust that I can do it on my own.

0:51:580:52:01

I've had to sit there and watch you and clap you

0:52:010:52:04

with half a flamingo coming out of your head.

0:52:040:52:07

"Look at Jen!" And it's my turn now!

0:52:070:52:10

I want to have a chance. I want it to be me and Matt.

0:52:100:52:14

Me and Matt getting married, loving each other.

0:52:140:52:17

Getting married in that spotlight. Give me one day, just one chance,

0:52:170:52:22

to have my day, my wedding day.

0:52:220:52:24

And I want you to be there loving me and supporting me,

0:52:240:52:28

not making me feel like some idiot!

0:52:280:52:31

BIRDSONG

0:52:340:52:36

HE SIGHS

0:52:410:52:44

Hello.

0:52:440:52:47

-HE WHISTLES

-Morning. Are you well?

0:52:470:52:49

Yeah. Cheers. Thanks a lot.

0:52:510:52:55

# Marriage is for old folks

0:52:550:52:57

# Old folks, not for me

0:52:570:53:01

# One husband, one wife, what've you got?

0:53:030:53:06

# Two people sentenced for life. #

0:53:060:53:09

You're not the first person to turn up here freaking out.

0:53:120:53:16

-Really?

-No. You've just got to accept

0:53:160:53:19

it's a stressful time. Take some time out and look after yourself

0:53:190:53:22

and look after her and don't get so wound up with it all.

0:53:220:53:26

You need a bit of "me" time. It's very difficult.

0:53:260:53:29

There's so much pressure. Particularly with this.

0:53:290:53:32

TUNELESS DISTANT SINGING

0:53:320:53:35

What's that?

0:53:370:53:40

Jesus Christ! What are you doing?! HE LAUGHS

0:53:420:53:47

Stop it! I better go and... HE LAUGHS

0:53:470:53:51

-# While I give to you...

-HE LAUGHS

0:53:510:53:55

# And you give to me...

0:53:550:53:59

-Fly, my Romeo. Fly!

-# True love...

0:53:590:54:04

-Aw! He's coming down!

-# True love

0:54:040:54:08

-# So on and on...

-Oh! Archie, look!

0:54:080:54:12

-Ooh!

-Lovebirds!

0:54:120:54:16

-# True love...

-That's beautiful!

0:54:160:54:21

# True love #

0:54:210:54:24

Oh, Archie!

0:54:240:54:28

# Summer breeze and blue, blue sky

0:54:380:54:43

# Memories of that beautiful July arriving early in the sun

0:54:430:54:48

# Playing games and having fun together #

0:54:480:54:51

Just put something on! Please!

0:54:510:54:54

I'm not going to get dressed just because your mother's coming.

0:54:540:54:57

-I'll have to go somewhere else.

-It's our room.

0:54:570:55:00

When I go to her house, I'll put some clothes on.

0:55:000:55:03

-Tubsy, darling!

-Mummy. Hello.

0:55:030:55:05

-How are you, sweetheart?

-Good, thank you.

0:55:050:55:08

-How are you?

-Fine. Where have they put you here?

0:55:080:55:12

-Oh, it's quite nice.

-It is nice.

0:55:120:55:15

Sweetheart, you're looking thinner. Well done. That's excellent.

0:55:150:55:19

Right. Well, I've had a long day, so it's lovely to be here.

0:55:190:55:23

There you are, sweetie.

0:55:230:55:26

-Hello, Mrs Roberts.

-Oh, hello.

0:55:260:55:28

Well, I suppose now I should call you Mum.

0:55:280:55:32

-Erm...

-Pleasant trip?

0:55:320:55:36

-'Down. And up.'

-Oh, my God!

0:55:360:55:39

Look at them!

0:55:390:55:41

That's ridiculous. That is absolutely ridiculous.

0:55:430:55:48

ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS

0:55:480:55:51

-Move over. I'm almost in these chairs here.

-Are you ready, Mum?

0:55:540:55:59

I don't know where Matt's coming from.

0:56:070:56:10

-Is that him? Is that us? Jenny, is this us?!

-Six. Seven. Eight.

0:56:100:56:14

-Go!

-Go!

0:56:140:56:17

Lower the arm.

0:56:240:56:26

-Oh, my God!

-What's he doing here?

-Oh, No! I don't believe it!

0:56:310:56:35

How did he know about it? Who talked to him? That's what I wanna know.

0:56:350:56:39

-Matt obviously knew about it.

-I could have been warned.

0:56:390:56:43

You all right? Don't get upset cos then it's like he's winning.

0:56:430:56:49

All right, Dave? You never said.

0:56:490:56:53

I wasn't sure he was coming but I'm glad he's here. Shall we get on?

0:56:530:56:58

It would've been nice if you'd told me that your dad was gonna be here.

0:56:580:57:02

-Sorry.

-Is he gonna be dancing?

-Yeah.

-No.

0:57:020:57:06

-Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Two. Three.

-Go!

0:57:060:57:12

One. Two. Three. Four.

0:57:120:57:16

And run. Good. Very good. Perfect.

0:57:160:57:19

Five. Six. Seven. Eight. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

0:57:190:57:24

-I'm sorry, but...

-Keep going! Keep going!

0:57:240:57:28

He's too close to me.

0:57:280:57:30

-Two, three, four. And up.

-For God's sake, Dave!

0:57:300:57:34

Do me a favour!

0:57:340:57:36

-I'm trying my best.

-How can anyone be so insensitive?

0:57:360:57:40

-Punch me in the back of the head.

-I'm not Fred Astaire.

0:57:400:57:43

-Pushing me like that.

-I'm not Ginger Rogers.

0:57:430:57:46

You're making me lose me balance.

0:57:460:57:49

There's only a little bit of room. We all have to try...

0:57:490:57:53

What I'm saying is, he's standing right next to me... Bish-bash-bosh!

0:57:530:57:58

-Making me wobble over.

-I'm doing me best.

-We've all gotta try...

0:57:580:58:02

If you were a bit more sensitive to what was happening...

0:58:020:58:06

And...

0:58:090:58:10

-Hi, guys.

-Hi.

0:58:140:58:16

-What's happened?!

-What do you mean?

-What's happened to your face?!

0:58:160:58:19

A nose job. A nose job. This is just protecting it.

0:58:190:58:23

-It's next week!

-How long's it on for?

0:58:230:58:25

-It's gonna be fine.

-Don't worry.

-We're not worried about this.

0:58:250:58:29

I'm only worried because I had to pay for it myself.

0:58:290:58:33

Right, Cliff Richard?

0:58:330:58:35

-Very possibly, yeah.

-What do you mean possibly?

0:58:350:58:38

He's out of the country, but if he can get back, he will.

0:58:380:58:41

If not, he'll send someone else who is more like him than he is.

0:58:410:58:45

-The big ball?

-We've got you a big ball.

0:58:450:58:48

-Where?

-It's arriving on the day.

-On the day?!

-It's £1,000 a day!

0:58:480:58:52

-How many ball boys?

-Six.

0:58:520:58:55

Or possibly even eight.

0:58:550:58:57

Choreographer?

0:58:570:58:59

We're still talking to her. We're still talking to her.

0:58:590:59:03

But we've got so many things to do.

0:59:030:59:05

If we can get a shape, right? We haven't got the budget

0:59:050:59:09

to get a choreographer in to do the whole thing. Listen.

0:59:090:59:12

If we can get a shape to it, on the day we can get her in.

0:59:120:59:16

We can get her in and she can tidy it up at the end.

0:59:160:59:19

But she's very busy with the other wedding.

0:59:190:59:22

She is a choreographer A choreographer is used to...

0:59:220:59:26

-Choreograph.

-Dance pieces!

-And provide ideas! Provide ideas.

0:59:260:59:30

No! That's what couples do who want to get married.

0:59:300:59:33

-We have given our ideas!

-Where have your ideas been?

0:59:330:59:37

We wanted dancer ball boys. We wanted you to arrive at a net.

0:59:370:59:42

-And everything was thrown out!

-No, you didn't. You never said...

0:59:420:59:46

We came to you at your club and said entrance of ball boys.

0:59:460:59:51

It's not our fault that you don't have enough friends to bring along

0:59:510:59:55

-who can do these things for you.

-Fuck you!

0:59:550:59:58

-No, please, Isabelle.

-We have friends!

-Where are they?

0:59:581:00:01

-Fuck off about the friends! It's not about friends!

-Of course it is!

1:00:011:00:05

-On the day, we need people...

-They can't make it!

1:00:051:00:09

-Her family are from Canada.

-We can't afford to fly them.

1:00:091:00:12

We can't afford it because we've had to spend all our money on her nose!

1:00:121:00:16

Thanks very much.

1:00:201:00:23

Oh, Arch, come on. Don't be silly. Come on, don't be silly.

1:00:251:00:30

Oh, come on. It's not your fault.

1:00:301:00:33

I just...

1:00:331:00:36

Oh. Come here. Come here.

1:00:361:00:39

Silly sausage.

1:00:391:00:42

Silly sausage. It's not your fault. They'll come back.

1:00:421:00:45

Don't be silly.

1:00:451:00:47

Come on, my big bear. Don't be silly. Come on.

1:00:491:00:53

Don't be silly.

1:00:531:00:56

I think they're coming back.

1:00:591:01:02

Don't let them see you like this. Don't let them see you.

1:01:021:01:05

Why not? They think I'm a stupid poof anyway.

1:01:051:01:08

Don't be stupid. I'm the poof, you're the straight man, silly.

1:01:081:01:12

-I'm sorry.

-It's OK.

1:01:191:01:21

I just wonder how long before she gets sick of me.

1:01:251:01:29

And before she, erm...

1:01:311:01:34

If we don't win the competition, I've got nothing to offer her.

1:01:361:01:40

I'm at the end of my tennis career and...

1:01:401:01:42

-OK.

-I've got no money and...

1:01:421:01:46

But I don't know whether in a year's time

1:01:461:01:50

she'll still wanna be married.

1:01:501:01:52

You know, if I haven't provided anything good for her or...

1:01:521:01:58

You know, if I'm not winning any tennis matches.

1:01:581:02:02

They're under huge pressure, these people, to...

1:02:021:02:07

to sort of have the perfect wedding.

1:02:071:02:10

So it's natural that they should take that out on us, I suppose.

1:02:101:02:15

If we didn't like it, we wouldn't be doing it, would we?

1:02:151:02:19

-You're tired, aren't you?

-Sorry?

1:02:221:02:25

-You're just tired. Just tired.

-No, I'm not tired. I'm fine.

1:02:251:02:29

Tell Mr Rusedski to ring me. I won't ring again.

1:02:311:02:35

The wedding's really soon and he wanted to come. OK?

1:02:351:02:39

Josef Worrell. You have my number. Thank you.

1:02:391:02:43

Do you like it?

1:02:551:02:58

HE LAUGHS

1:02:581:03:00

-Yeah.

-You don't.

1:03:001:03:02

I do. Why are you crying?

1:03:021:03:06

-Don't cry. Don't cry.

-It's good?

-I like it. Don't cry.

1:03:061:03:10

-It's OK, I like it.

-You do?

-Yeah. It's just a bit of a shock.

1:03:101:03:15

-Do you wanna see it from the side?

-OK.

-OK.

1:03:151:03:18

-You look gorgeous.

-Thanks.

1:03:301:03:32

-You all right?

-We're tremendous.

-Terribly exciting, isn't it?

1:03:341:03:37

-How can that nose go on the cover?

-Well, I didn't say it,

1:03:401:03:44

but I implied change it for the better.

1:03:441:03:46

-It wasn't for better, was it?

-It's ever so subtle.

1:03:461:03:50

-It's fucking out here!

-It looks like it's been broke and they reset it.

1:03:501:03:55

Is that the mother over there?

1:03:551:03:57

-She's not gonna be naked, is she?

-No.

-No-one wants to see that.

1:04:001:04:04

-Who's that?

-That's her sister.

-Sister of who?

1:04:041:04:09

Are you insisting that they wear clothes?

1:04:111:04:14

-I think it'd be better.

-I couldn't agree more. Stop this silly stuff.

1:04:141:04:19

-"Looking at the view." I've heard that one.

-Mum!

1:04:231:04:27

You think Jen would be that cheap to go with a stranger and have sex?

1:04:271:04:32

-We were going up there talking.

-This is my little girl here.

1:04:321:04:35

I can assure you, sir, that nothing... Vivien? Vivien?

1:04:361:04:41

So, here's to a wonderful day.

1:04:411:04:44

Here's to "Confetti". ALL: Cheers!

1:04:441:04:48

Oh, look, look. Somebody's set this right-handed.

1:05:111:05:15

OK, but it's good. It's good.

1:05:171:05:20

It's lovely. It's lovely. It's just detail. It's just detail.

1:05:201:05:24

-Start getting ready now.

-I'm getting ready, love.

1:05:241:05:28

-What's this?

-They need to come out. Go and see Marella now.

1:05:281:05:33

CHATTER

1:05:331:05:37

-Is everybody all right?

-All right?

1:05:371:05:39

You're short of numbers. A few people have disappeared.

1:05:391:05:43

-They've just gone to the loo.

-Please just make it a loo run.

1:05:431:05:47

-You look absolutely fabulous. All of you.

-So do you.

1:05:471:05:51

Thank you very much.

1:05:511:05:53

I can't say I hope you win, cos I don't, but good luck with it.

1:05:531:05:57

-Hope it goes well.

-I hope yours goes well.

-Thanks.

1:05:571:06:00

-No panic in the camp?

-No, it's lovely.

-Is it?

1:06:001:06:05

-I'm really worried.

-What are you talking about?

1:06:051:06:08

-I don't know if I can do it.

-Hey, hey. No, no, no.

1:06:081:06:11

-Just cos of the singing and stuff.

-Sam, it'll be fine.

1:06:111:06:14

Sam, listen to me. Breathe.

1:06:141:06:17

-You're singing...

-I'm gonna be sick.

1:06:171:06:20

-Sam, do you want me to come?

-I'm gonna be sick.

1:06:201:06:23

Keep her hair away from her face, if she's sick,

1:06:231:06:26

otherwise you get sick on the hair.

1:06:261:06:28

If it's something different that you'd like and you think

1:06:281:06:31

this is something new, regardless of whether you like it or not...

1:06:311:06:37

If you hate it, say, "That was original but I didn't like it."

1:06:371:06:40

Just popped by to say on behalf of "Confetti" magazine,

1:06:401:06:46

-the best of British. All right?

-Thanks.

1:06:461:06:49

And I think you've got a very, very strong chance. All right?

1:06:491:06:53

-Thank you. That's very nice.

-Smashing.

1:06:531:06:56

Yes, if you keep your clothes on. See you later.

1:06:561:07:00

What I'm about to say now is not meant as a criticism,

1:07:021:07:06

but you know you're sort of painted brown,

1:07:061:07:09

it's like there's a line.

1:07:091:07:12

I don't know if you'd noticed it and wanted to change it.

1:07:121:07:15

I know you're a perfectionist and I thought you might wanna change it.

1:07:151:07:19

Because you're a perfectionist and you wanna look as good as you can.

1:07:191:07:23

-I've fake-tanned it and done it...

-But that looks a bit like...

1:07:231:07:27

You don't get brown palms when you sunbathe.

1:07:271:07:29

-You don't sunbathe like that.

-No, but you look like Biffo the Bear.

1:07:291:07:34

There's a brown and a white... Huh?

1:07:341:07:37

We have to win. We have to win, so we will win.

1:07:371:07:40

We will win. Come on, Josef.

1:07:401:07:43

Come on. Do you wanna go through it?

1:07:431:07:46

-What if we lose?!

-We're not gonna lose.

1:07:491:07:51

-Why? How do we know?

-Because we're winners!

1:07:511:07:54

-We're going to win this!

-They'll kill us out there!

1:07:541:07:57

I'm sure you'll agree with me when I say marriage is about commitment.

1:07:571:08:02

We at "Confetti" are committed to pushing the envelope in weddings.

1:08:021:08:08

Today is about doing new and exciting weddings,

1:08:081:08:10

things that maybe you haven't seen before.

1:08:101:08:13

The couples are backstage now. Do remember the work is over now,

1:08:131:08:19

everything is prepared, so just relax, take a breath,

1:08:191:08:23

and get ready to enjoy yourselves.

1:08:231:08:26

Let's move on to our first wedding. It's taking place over here.

1:08:261:08:29

You can guess what the theme is.

1:08:291:08:31

Ladies and gentlemen, "Confetti" gives you Josef and Isabelle.

1:08:311:08:36

WIMBLEDON THEME TUNE PLAYS

1:08:361:08:39

MC: Welcome to Wimbledon on this absolutely glorious summer's day.

1:08:501:08:56

There's a palpable sense of excitement here

1:08:561:08:59

amongst this full house. A real buzz around Centre Court.

1:08:591:09:03

This really does promise to be the most wonderful occasion.

1:09:071:09:12

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

1:09:151:09:18

Oh, and here they are! Here they come!

1:09:241:09:28

I say!

1:09:281:09:30

# What a day this has been

1:09:301:09:33

# What a rare mood I'm in

1:09:331:09:35

# Why, it's almost like being in love

1:09:351:09:40

-# And there's this smile on my face for the whole human race...

-BANG!

1:09:401:09:45

# Why, it's almost like being in love

1:09:451:09:50

# And all the music of life seems to be

1:09:501:09:55

# Like a bell that is ringing...

1:09:551:09:58

-Who'll call?

-I will.

1:09:581:10:00

Heads.

1:10:011:10:02

-Sorry, it's tails.

-I'll serve.

1:10:021:10:06

Josef Cecil Worrell has won the toss and elected to serve.

1:10:061:10:11

APPLAUSE

1:10:111:10:12

Quiet, please. And play.

1:10:161:10:20

-I, Josef Cecil Worrell,...

-# Love is in the air...

1:10:201:10:23

..know of no legal reason

1:10:231:10:25

-why I may not be married to Isabelle Frances Fontaine.

-15-love.

1:10:251:10:29

I, Isabelle Frances Fontaine, know of no legal reason

1:10:291:10:32

-why I cannot be married to Josef Cecil Worrell.

-15-15.

1:10:321:10:36

I, Josef Cecil Worrell, take you, Isabelle Frances Fontaine,

1:10:361:10:41

-to be my lawfully wedded wife.

-30-15.

1:10:411:10:44

I, Isabelle Frances Fontaine, take you, Josef Cecil Worrell,

1:10:441:10:48

-to be my lawful, legal husband.

-30-30. New balls, please.

1:10:481:10:52

Isabelle...

1:10:561:10:58

..I've never won a tournament,

1:10:591:11:02

but I don't care, because I've won you.

1:11:021:11:06

40-30.

1:11:061:11:09

I know it's not been possible to have friends or family here today,

1:11:091:11:15

but that doesn't matter

1:11:151:11:17

cos you're here and that's all I'll need now and forever.

1:11:171:11:20

Deuce.

1:11:201:11:22

Isabelle, I can't promise I'll never be jealous again,

1:11:221:11:26

but I can promise that I'll look after you and love you

1:11:261:11:30

till the day I die.

1:11:301:11:33

MUSIC: "Love Is In The Air" by John Paul Young

1:11:331:11:36

# Love is in the air... # CHEERING

1:11:361:11:40

Josef Cecil Worrell, Isabelle Frances Fontaine,

1:11:401:11:43

it gives me great pleasure to pronounce you...

1:11:431:11:46

THUNDER

1:11:461:11:48

MC: Well, what a shame. Covers are going on.

1:11:501:11:53

Looks like a passing shower, so hopefully it'll not...

1:11:531:11:58

What's this? THUNDER

1:11:581:12:00

Someone's standing up! It's Cliff Richard!

1:12:001:12:03

Oh, my goodness! He's going to sing!

1:12:031:12:07

What a privilege to be here!

1:12:071:12:10

# I've got myself a crying, talking, sleeping, walking, living doll

1:12:101:12:17

# I've got to do my best to please her just cos she's my living doll

1:12:171:12:23

# I've got a roving eye and that is why she satisfies my soul

1:12:231:12:29

# I've got my one and only walking, talking, living doll! #

1:12:311:12:36

CHEERING

1:12:361:12:38

# Love is in the air

1:12:441:12:46

CHEERING

1:12:461:12:48

# ..Love is in the air... #

1:12:481:12:51

MC: Game, set and match.

1:12:531:12:55

# ..Love is in the air. #

1:13:031:13:05

-You could try a bit harder.

-I am trying!

1:13:051:13:08

But this isn't what we wanted to do.

1:13:081:13:10

I've had everybody telling us what to do, sticking stuff on us.

1:13:101:13:14

I've got leaves in places I didn't know existed!

1:13:141:13:17

How do you think I feel? They've done it to me!

1:13:171:13:19

Right. Well, as if that wasn't a treat enough,

1:13:191:13:22

and I think it was, we've got three weddings to get through

1:13:221:13:26

and we're on to our second.

1:13:261:13:28

This one's very interesting. I love it, I love the concept.

1:13:281:13:31

I've not seen anything yet but I love the idea.

1:13:311:13:34

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Michael and Joanna.

1:13:341:13:37

CHEERING

1:13:371:13:39

# I lay before you all I have to offer

1:13:541:14:02

# King of my heart

1:14:031:14:07

# I need to know you

1:14:091:14:12

# And I need to love you more

1:14:121:14:18

# King of my heart

1:14:181:14:23

# And you're king, and you're king

1:14:231:14:26

# And you're king, and you're king

1:14:261:14:31

# So I'm queen

1:14:311:14:33

# And you're king in my heart

1:14:331:14:36

# And it's love, and it's love

1:14:381:14:41

# That I lay at your feet, at your feet

1:14:411:14:48

# King of my heart

1:14:481:14:53

# I love you, king of my heart

1:14:541:14:59

# How I love you, king of my heart. #

1:15:001:15:07

Oh, Tubsy!

1:15:201:15:22

I vow to never make you cover up for shame or fear or duty.

1:15:221:15:27

You'll never need to shed your clothes for me to see your beauty.

1:15:271:15:30

I won't ignore our differences, but let them just connect.

1:15:301:15:34

One word for that is compromise, a better one's respect.

1:15:341:15:37

They drove you mad, but do not fear, for now you have a wife.

1:15:371:15:42

Your husband's here, screw them, my dear,

1:15:421:15:44

their wedding but our life.

1:15:441:15:47

For you join the dots between the stars like a pen of heaven's manna.

1:15:471:15:51

You make two houses into one, you join me up, Joanna.

1:15:511:15:55

You're like an angel overhead, but with me on a cycle.

1:15:551:16:00

Come live with me and be my love, my Gabriel, my Michael.

1:16:001:16:05

Ladies and gentlemen, now that Michael and Joanna

1:16:111:16:15

have exchanged head rings and promised themselves to each other,

1:16:151:16:21

a solemn moment has come for the couple to make their marriage contract.

1:16:211:16:26

Would you please all stand?

1:16:261:16:28

I call upon these persons here present to witness that I,

1:16:341:16:37

Michael Gabriel Collier,...

1:16:371:16:39

I call upon these persons here present to witness that I,

1:16:391:16:43

Michael Gabriel Collier,

1:16:431:16:45

do take thee, Joanna Martha Roberts, to be my lawful wedded wife.

1:16:451:16:49

I call upon these persons here present

1:16:491:16:51

to witness that I, Joanna Martha Roberts,

1:16:511:16:54

do take thee, Michael Gabriel Collier,

1:16:541:16:57

to be my lawful wedded husband.

1:16:571:16:59

It gives me great pleasure to pronounce you man and wife.

1:16:591:17:02

You may kiss the bride.

1:17:021:17:04

APPLAUSE

1:17:081:17:10

BELL RINGS

1:17:111:17:13

Whoo-hoo!

1:17:251:17:28

Well, ladies and gentlemen, that was Michael and Joanna.

1:17:331:17:38

And I think we can all... Let's all raise our glasses to them.

1:17:381:17:43

The happy couple, Michael and Joanna. What a wonderful, wonderful thing.

1:17:431:17:47

Listen, everyone, we're not going to worry about the steps, the tune,

1:17:471:17:52

we're just gonna have fun, OK? None of us are singers or dancers.

1:17:521:17:56

-I am.

-Well, sorry, yeah.

-I'm nervous about forgetting that bit.

1:17:561:18:00

-Do you know what? It doesn't matter.

-I got it all wrong before.

1:18:001:18:04

-I thought, "I'm letting you down."

-Girls, this is stage fright.

1:18:041:18:08

-I've seen it a thousand times.

-I don't want to let you down.

1:18:081:18:11

Calm. Deep breaths. This is gonna be fabulous.

1:18:111:18:14

-We're gonna do a wonderful show.

-For once, Jen, I think you're right.

1:18:141:18:18

Ladies and gentlemen, I want you to give the same warm reception

1:18:181:18:22

to our final couple. It is Matt and Sam.

1:18:221:18:26

-CHEERING

-All right! Yeah!

1:18:261:18:28

-I love you.

-Love you, too. All right.

1:18:291:18:32

CHEERING

1:18:321:18:34

DRUM ROLL

1:18:361:18:38

FANFARE

1:18:381:18:40

FEMALE CHORUS: # A beautiful girl makes the world a beautiful place

1:18:591:19:05

# Nothing compares to her effortless style and grace

1:19:071:19:14

# Her smile lights up a room

1:19:141:19:19

# Her voice is a lovely tune

1:19:191:19:24

-MALE CHORUS:

-# The way she walks Her hair, her eyes

1:19:241:19:28

# And her fabulous face

1:19:281:19:32

ALL: # Yes, a beautiful girl makes the world a beautiful place! #

1:19:321:19:38

Hi, you two.

1:20:171:20:19

Matthew Norris, Samantha Whiston, marriage according to

1:20:191:20:24

the law of this country is the union of one man and one woman,

1:20:241:20:29

voluntarily entered into, for life, to the exclusion of all others.

1:20:291:20:33

Now, ladies and gentlemen, Matthew and Samantha

1:20:351:20:39

are going to make their marriage vows through the medium of song.

1:20:391:20:43

BOTH: # I promise to love you

1:20:471:20:55

# I promise to care for you

1:20:551:21:03

# I promise

1:21:031:21:06

# To always make you laugh... #

1:21:061:21:13

# ..I give you my love, always

1:21:181:21:24

# To have and to hold

1:21:241:21:29

# Always

1:21:291:21:33

# Our life to unfold

1:21:331:21:36

BOTH: # As man and wife

1:21:361:21:43

# Always

1:21:431:21:46

# Always... #

1:21:461:21:50

-# ..I give you my love, always

-I promise to love you

1:21:531:22:02

-# To have and to hold, always

-I promise to care for you

1:22:021:22:10

-# Our life to unfold as man and wife

-I promise to make you laugh

1:22:111:22:19

IN UNISON: # Always

1:22:211:22:26

# Always... #

1:22:261:22:31

# ..I do

1:22:351:22:37

# Me, too. #

1:22:401:22:43

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

1:22:481:22:50

ORCHESTRA PLAYS: "Cheek To Cheek" by Irving Berlin

1:22:541:22:58

FANFARE PLAYS

1:23:581:24:00

CHURCH BELLS CHIME

1:24:051:24:08

CHEERING

1:24:151:24:18

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

1:24:211:24:23

Couples, thank you for sharing this day with us.

1:24:261:24:29

It's been so wonderful for us.

1:24:291:24:31

It's been good of you to open up your most precious day to our magazine.

1:24:311:24:36

Thank you so much.

1:24:361:24:38

Smile. Look like winners. They won't give us it if we look like losers.

1:24:401:24:44

Right. First off, let's go through couple by couple. Couple by couple.

1:24:441:24:48

The judge in the green suit seems to be a fan.

1:24:481:24:51

-He was lovely, wasn't he?

-He keeps saying, "Well done."

1:24:511:24:55

-We want to say congratulations.

-Thanks.

-Good luck.

-Thank you.

1:24:551:24:59

-Congratulations.

-Yeah.

1:24:591:25:02

-Have a drink later.

-Yeah.

1:25:021:25:04

They are so two-faced.

1:25:051:25:07

-It was innovative, wasn't it?

-Well, let's all put down a score.

1:25:071:25:11

-It was original enough.

-Yeah.

-In that you wouldn't do it again.

1:25:111:25:15

-You look so beautiful

-So do you.

1:25:151:25:17

-Congratulations.

-Great body.

-Thanks so much.

1:25:171:25:21

I had to tell him to stop looking at your bum.

1:25:211:25:24

They know they've won.

1:25:241:25:26

No, they don't. They have not necessarily won.

1:25:261:25:29

We could still win. Goodness sake!

1:25:291:25:32

Ladies and gentlemen, if I could have your attention, please.

1:25:321:25:36

The judging panel have reached a verdict.

1:25:361:25:39

Vivien, the editor of the magazine, has the golden envelope.

1:25:391:25:43

And I think it would be churlish not to let her do the honours.

1:25:431:25:46

She's done so much of the work for this. So, Vivien, over to you.

1:25:461:25:51

OK. And the winner is...

1:25:511:25:54

DRUM ROLL

1:25:541:25:57

Yes!

1:26:001:26:02

Matt and Sam!

1:26:031:26:04

CHEERING Matt and Sam! Come on!

1:26:041:26:07

CHEERING

1:26:071:26:10

-Oh, God!

->

1:26:101:26:12

Wonderful! Matt and Sam!

1:26:121:26:15

Fix! It's a fix!

1:26:441:26:47

-No. Well, not really the time.

-It's a fix!

1:26:471:26:50

Josef, it is not the time. Don't be a bad loser.

1:26:501:26:53

-It's a fix!

-It's not a tennis match.

1:26:531:26:55

-Donkey!

-It's a fair-and-square competition

1:26:551:26:58

run by "Confetti" magazine. I object to that strongly.

1:26:581:27:01

Let Matt and Sam have their moment. Round of applause for Matt and Sam.

1:27:011:27:05

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Matt and Sam.

1:27:051:27:08

Now I've got the key to a half-a-million-pound house

1:27:091:27:14

for Matt and Sam, our winners. Winning fair and square.

1:27:141:27:18

CHEERING

1:27:181:27:20

# Heaven

1:27:261:27:29

# I'm in heaven

1:27:291:27:32

# And my heart beats so that I can hardly speak

1:27:331:27:38

# And I seem to find the happiness I seek

1:27:391:27:44

# When we're out together dancing cheek to cheek

1:27:461:27:52

# Heaven

1:27:541:27:57

# I'm in heaven

1:27:571:27:59

# And the cares that hung around me through the week

1:28:001:28:05

# Seem to vanish like a gambler's lucky streak

1:28:071:28:12

# When we're out together dancing cheek to cheek... #

1:28:131:28:19

GUITAR SCREECHES

1:28:201:28:22

# ..Oh, I love to climb a mountain

1:28:271:28:31

# And to reach the highest peak

1:28:311:28:34

# But it doesn't thrill me half as much as dancing cheek to cheek. #

1:28:341:28:39

CHURCH BELLS CHIME

1:28:391:28:42

Since that competition, I've trusted my intuition,

1:28:431:28:46

I've trusted in my dreams.

1:28:461:28:48

You have an idea like that and it's that big a success

1:28:481:28:51

and you think, "Just trust in yourself and go for it."

1:28:511:28:56

So what I've done is taken some of the profit from that competition

1:28:561:29:00

and I've invested it in music.

1:29:001:29:02

Not just a couple of CDs. I've bought a record label.

1:29:021:29:06

And, you know, doing some A&R.

1:29:061:29:08

TRUMPET PLAYS

1:29:081:29:10

BOTH: # One looks for happiness

1:29:101:29:12

# One longs to find a partner

1:29:121:29:14

# One knows that nowadays

1:29:141:29:16

# One love will be the answer. #

1:29:161:29:18

Well, please God, you know, the deeds are gonna come through soon.

1:29:181:29:23

They've told us not to worry, that it's all all right, it's all OK.

1:29:231:29:27

But, of course, you never believe it till you're there in your new home.

1:29:271:29:32

-So we're keeping our fingers crossed.

-Yeah.

1:29:321:29:35

-BOTH:

-# One love

-CHORUS: One love

1:29:351:29:37

-# And only one

-And only one

1:29:371:29:39

-# One love

-One love... #

1:29:391:29:41

I would say to anyone thinking of getting married, do it

1:29:411:29:44

if you are doing it for the reason that you just love the other person.

1:29:441:29:48

BOTH: # ..One love

1:29:481:29:50

# While we're still living... #

1:29:501:29:52

I went into a bit of a decline after the weddings.

1:29:521:29:55

-Post-nuptial depression.

-In bed for four weeks.

1:29:551:29:58

-Hit him pretty hard.

-Very hard.

1:29:581:30:00

But we're over that. I'm coaching now.

1:30:001:30:02

He's fantastic. Watching him with children.

1:30:021:30:05

The forehand is there, there, there! Got it? Right. Go away.

1:30:051:30:08

-Now we're thinking of having one.

-Yeah.

1:30:081:30:11

Who knows what, er...

1:30:111:30:13

..nose they'll get.

1:30:141:30:18

-# ..One nose

-One love

1:30:181:30:20

-# And only one

-Only one

1:30:201:30:22

-# One nose and no misgivings

-One love

1:30:221:30:26

-# One love

-One love

1:30:261:30:28

# Only one love

1:30:281:30:30

-# One love

-One love

1:30:301:30:33

# While we're still living... #

1:30:331:30:35

Mainly, we've just found out

1:30:351:30:37

that the only people we need to be naked in front of is each other.

1:30:371:30:41

We don't call ourselves naturists any more, we call ourselves...

1:30:411:30:45

-Well, I call myself Michael.

-And I'm Joanna.

1:30:451:30:47

-And, yeah, that seems to work better.

-Better, I think.

1:30:471:30:51

-BOTH: # ...One love

-One love

1:30:511:30:54

-# Only one love

-One love

1:30:541:30:56

# One love

1:30:561:30:57

# While we're still living... #

1:30:571:30:59

-Erm...

-Don't. You can't do this. Are you?

1:30:591:31:03

-Are you really doing this?

-Shh! Be quiet! This is my bit.

1:31:031:31:08

Gregory Hough, erm... will you marry me?

1:31:081:31:12

HE GASPS

1:31:121:31:14

Is that the right hand?

1:31:151:31:17

It's actually...

1:31:171:31:20

-BOTH: # ..One love

-One love

1:31:201:31:22

-# Only one love

-One love

1:31:221:31:23

# One love while we're still living

1:31:231:31:27

-One love.

-# One love

1:31:271:31:29

-Peace.

-# And only one... #

1:31:291:31:30

Don't stand around at other people's weddings

1:31:301:31:33

crying at pretty brides and thinking, "Wouldn't it be nice if..."

1:31:331:31:37

You see what you want, go and get it. So...that's what we're doing.

1:31:371:31:42

-And that's what you should do.

-Heron and Hough...

1:31:421:31:45

BOTH: Your dreams are enough.

1:31:451:31:47

-# ..And only one

-Only one

1:31:471:31:50

-# One love with no misgivings

-One love

1:31:501:31:54

-# One love

-One love

1:31:541:31:56

-# Only one love

-One love

1:31:561:31:59

# One love

1:31:591:32:00

# While we're still living. #

1:32:001:32:02

-You were great.

-I'd say you were.

1:32:021:32:05

MUSIC: "One Love" by Ian Dury And The Blockheads

1:32:051:32:10

# One looks for happiness

1:32:281:32:30

# One longs to find a partner

1:32:301:32:32

# One knows that nowadays

1:32:321:32:34

# One love will be the answer

1:32:341:32:37

# One sees a crazy world

1:32:371:32:39

# One needs a fresh perspective

1:32:391:32:41

# One comes to realise

1:32:411:32:43

# One love's a true objective

1:32:431:32:45

# One seeks a perfect verb

1:32:451:32:47

# One learns to tell the difference

1:32:471:32:49

# One finds in consequence

1:32:491:32:51

# One love is all that makes sense

1:32:511:32:53

# One hopes there'll be a way

1:32:531:32:55

# One peers into the distance

1:32:551:32:57

# One thinks that come what may

1:32:571:33:00

# One love will be the best chance

1:33:001:33:02

-# One love

-One love

1:33:021:33:04

-# And only one

-Only one

1:33:041:33:06

-# One love

-One love

1:33:061:33:08

# To last forever

1:33:081:33:10

-# One love

-One love

1:33:101:33:12

-# Only one love

-One love

1:33:121:33:15

# One love

1:33:151:33:17

# It's now or never. #

1:33:171:33:19

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

1:33:191:33:22

E-mail [email protected]

1:33:221:33:24

Improvised mockumentary featuring a host of talent from British TV comedy including Martin Freeman and Robert Webb.

Weddings magazine Confetti launches a competition to find the most original wedding of the year, and selects three eccentric couples - with suitably eccentric wedding ideas - who battle it out amongst themselves to win the title and prize. In the running are a couple of neurotically competitive tennis players, two fans of MGM-style musicals, and a pair of naturists.


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