Easy Virtue

Good evening. Good evening, good evening. Hello, chaps.

Thank you for coming.

Now then, we have a long way to go, so...er...

keep your powder dry.

Righty-ho...settle down, now.

One, two, three.

# I'm mad about the boy

# I know it's stupid to be mad about the boy

# I'm so ashamed of it But must admit

# The sleepless nights

# I've had about the boy

# On the silver screen

# He melts my foolish heart

# In every single scene

# Although I'm quite aware

# That here and there are traces

# Of the cad about the boy

# And Lord knows, I'm not a fool girl

# I really shouldn't care

# Lord knows, I'm not a schoolgirl

# In the flurry of her first affair

# Will it ever cloy

# This odd diversity of misery and joy?

# I'm feeling quite insane and young again

# And all because I'm mad about the boy

# I'm feeling quite insane and young again

# And a-a-a-a-all

# Because I'm

# Mad about the boy. #

She's the first lady racer.

-But she didn't actually win.

-She crossed the line first.

-It's so exciting.

-Not nearly as exciting as crossing your mother.

I think we can all ignore that.

Oh, what is that man doing?

Jackson! What did I tell you?

Get the camellias out of the rain and put them by the front door before the guests arrive! Furber.

-Madam?

-Salvage any of Jackson's appalling pruning and send it to Mrs Holborough,

who's kindly offered up a leg of mutton for dinner, which you'll fetch, Marion.

But Reverend Burton has asked me to drain the font.

My hands are clearly full.

-I'll go. Uncle George has posted the most grizzly clippings of the Valentine's Day Massacre!

-Hilda.

Seven terrified men cut down in a hail of automatic gun fire!

-Made worse by the strays that came to lap the curdled blood.

-Hilda...

The Devil Dogs! The Hounds of Hell!

The leg of lamb! Now.

Why we try and marry her off to gentry when plainly she'd prefer an undertaker. Seating.

I'm putting Sarah on your left and Philip on your right, so please try and make an effort to be civil.

Right. I shall go and brush up on my very small talk.

It might be an awkward meal. For all we know, Sarah's grazing in greener pastures.

Whilst your brother sows his wild oats in the South of France with his floozy? No.

We'll keep the home fires burning until his highness wanders home.

Hmm. Like Father did?

Yes. Like Father did.

I've got news!

-You all right, sir?

-No. Are you?

-Coping, sir.

-Hear, hear. Well done.

Well done? They look like they're waiting for a firing squad. Can't you make them more relaxed?

Last meal and a cigarette, perhaps?

I can't believe it. You'll never guess.

Houdini escaped the Chinese water torture only to die of a burst appendix. How ghastly!

Oh, and Mother's got a telegram.

"Mr and Mrs Whittaker". Your mother.

-What's it say, Father?

-Perhaps your mother should read this first.

Oh! That stupid, stupid, stupid boy!

What's happened? Has there been an accident?

It's John, he's married that f-f-f...

Francophile? Photographer?

-Pharmacist?

-Why are you smirking?

Deploying a smile. One member of this family may actually be happy.

Don't be absurd! We don't know anything about this woman. Furber!

-Furber! Oh, not again!

-Madam.

-Lord have mercy.

Mister John is coming home with his...with his wife.

Their bags have just arrived. Congratulations, Madam.

-I'll be the judge of that. Clear up this mess and get Cook to send up a ham.

-This is from Dover.

-They'll be half way here.

-Yes, Furber. Dress the mutton as ham.

Very sharp, don't cut yourself.

John married the floozy. How exciting!

# A room with a view and you

# And no-one to worry us

# No-one to hurry us through

# This dream we found... #

-There she blows. Behold the country cottage.

-Oh, Lord, it's enormous.

-So, I lied about gingerbread hedges and obese little children.

-How hard to swim is the moat?

Smoke and mirrors, darling.

Smoke and mirrors.

Oh, by the by, smoking - don't.

Apparently it wilts the azaleas.

-That makes no sense. Speak English.

-All will be revealed, darling.

Oh, give me back the wheel of my car. I'm going back to Detroit!

How romantic! Here they come!

Oh, Furber!

-Mister John and his wife are about to arrive.

-I can't see them.

Your tunnel vision.

Ooh!

-Smile, Marion.

-I don't feel like smiling.

You're English, dear, fake it.

The prodigal son returns in a blaze of gravel.

Father! You shaved.

Welcome, madam.

You look gorgeous.

It's so lovely to see you.

Oh, darling. Sorry, sorry!

Mother, this is my wife, Larita.

Mrs Whittaker, the pleasure is all mine.

-Oh, you're American.

-And very welcome. Jim Whittaker.

-This is my father.

I fought alongside many of your countrymen, Larita,

-and I must say it's an honour to have a comrade in the family.

-Thank you.

I do hope I'm not a disappointment.

-Far from it.

-And my two little blisters Hilda and Marion.

Aren't you the woman who won the Grand Prix?

First place, before disqualification.

Apparently you need chest hair to change gears in Monaco.

I saw you in the paper.

I cut your head out. I could just die!

Furber, that suitcase to the drawing room, and do be careful.

Marion. Golly, you're not a bit like what we imagined.

Somewhat older, I expect. Awfully sorry about that.

Before the frostbite sets in...

I'm looking forward to getting acquainted with the mother of my "Panda".

You'll find me quite uncomplicated, I'm afraid.

Oh! What are you doing?

Carrying you over the finish line.

-Venus de Milo meet my Venus Detroit.

-Hello.

-Mother's turned our old nursery into a boudoir.

-I wouldn't exactly call it a boudoir, Hilda.

Marvellous. All those grubby memories of Little Johnnie.

We had no time to raid the hothouse.

I only hope we can make you comfortable.

Don't go to any trouble. We're only staying a few days.

-Aren't we, Johnnie?

-Of course.

And for our next surprise...

What on earth is that?

His master's voice! A wedding gift from us to you all.

How divine! You should've got married years ago!

# Another June Another sunny honeymoon

# Another season, another reason

# For making whoopee... #

Come on, little blister. Twirl for me.

Oh, a Continental education. Not all of us have been so fortunate.

An emotional depiction of the French postal service, Mrs Whittaker.

Come now, not Mrs Whittaker. It's Mother now.

I don't think we're quite ready for that yet.

Since time is so clearly against us, why don't you show Larita up to the nursery?

Dinner's at eight.

-You didn't tell them?

-One bombshell at a time, darling.

-That's not fair! Your poor mother.

How long are we staying?

A few days? I shoulder the shortcomings of this family and what do I get in return?

A few days! Look at her.

What am I supposed to do with the bauble of a woman?

-Hang her?

-I think she's splendid.

Do you, Hilda? Well, we can all relax(!)

-She's not what I expected.

-She's exactly what I expected.

-Surely not exactly? She wasn't drunk.

-Oh, very funny, Jim.

-Reduce this to the burlesque.

-She looks so expensive!

-Very.

-Hmm. I like her.

-Yes, Jim.

We all know what you like.

Mother!

Oh, we have all been sent to our wombs.

And so toasty.

Economics in action. She keeps half the house closed to save on heating.

That explains the frosty reception.

Well, darling. Let me warm you up.

LAUGHTER

-Well?

-She's lovely, I'm very proud of you.

-Thanks, Father.

-John? How long is a few days?

Mother, Larita and I would like to find a home in London.

-But this is your home!

-A home of their own.

But Panda, we need you here.

Since you went off around the Riviera, we've had to let go of six more people.

If you'd just listened to me and taken on some machinery.

Wouldn't that be a good idea? I could run the entire estate single-handedly.

Congratulations on your insight and your spontaneity.

Sarah and Philip are coming to dinner, and I have got a table plan

that will take the League Of Nations to unravel.

-Tonight? That's absolutely splendid!

-Don't be so fickle in your affections.

-Sarah might not be as accommodating as you expect.

-Codswallop.

She'll be delighted. If mother was so desperate for her hand in marriage, she should've asked herself!

-Strange as it may seem, I agree with your sister.

-I think you're wrong.

-On certain things, yes. Call her.

-Really?

-Really.

-Really.

Really. If Edgar were here, he'd do the manly thing.

What? Run away?

Here they come!

And the chequered flag goes to...

-Fast work, John!

-I should've written, but it happened so fast, I didn't know where I was.

-In Larita's arms, it seems.

-Please don't be disappointed.

-Of course I'm disappointed.

But tell me you're happy, and I'll tell you you're forgiven.

-You're the top, you're Mahatma Gandhi!

-Panda, don't break out the brandy just yet.

The hell we're not.

-Have I missed something?

-Let sleeping cows stand.

-Oh, you plonker!

-Rule one, push sleeping cow.

Rule two, get out of the way.

Rule three, remember rule two.

Sarah! It's so lovely to see you. I hear your poor father is not having a good day.

I'm afraid not. He sends his love.

You are a jolly good sport, turning up like this, that's all I can say.

I wouldn't miss it for the world.

-Larita is such a pretty name.

-Yes.

Excellent for musical comedy. Hilda!

I hear the cow's in a terrible way. I've sent flowers.

And did she eat them? Touche!

-Good evening to you all.

-Nobody told me tonight was fancy dress!

Then why have you come as the village idiot?

I think I'm snagged.

Let me help you with that.

Holy Mother!

Panda?

You're forgiven...tenfold.

Sarah Hurst, I'd like to introduce my wife, Larita Whittaker.

Gosh, I do like the sound of that.

Sarah...finally. Johnnie talks about you constantly.

How very annoying for you.

I hope we can be friends.

We already are. Congratulations.

-Er...I'd like to be friends, too.

-Larita, my tiresome brother...

The dishonourable Philip Hurst.

-Charmed, my dear lady.

-Indeed.

Philip, won't you escort me in?

Of course, my beautiful, little Sausage Fingers.

That's whet my appetite. Shall we adjourn to the dining room?

And toast my beautiful bride.

Had we known there was to be a wedding reception, we could have all lashed out on taffeta!

She's a lot like drowning - quite pleasant once you stop struggling.

So, John, was Larita's family able to attend the wedding?

More cabbage, Madam?

There's lots to do, Larita. You ride, don't you?

Boats, cars or planes?

No, horses, silly!

Ah, yes, horses. Faulty steering and unreliable brakes.

-I'm stealing that for Stirrup Cup!

-Stirrup what?

-Cup.

Every November, Philip and Sarah's family host the hunt.

Wait until you meet their father, Lord Hurst, he's terrific.

-And Lady Hurst?

-Was terrific, until she...stopped.

-Stopped what?

-Living.

-Oh, I'm very sorry to hear that.

Between father's polio and Philip's mania for tipping cows...

Can we please just drop the cows?

I think we'll give the fox a break this year.

Oh, no hunt? Mrs Winston gave me her saddle. I've had a wax.

Your father and I conspired to make John the Master Of The Hunt.

People come from far and wide. It's such a shame to disappoint them.

Very thoughtful, Mother.

You do hunt, I take it, Larita?

-Hypocrites, gossips or defenceless animals?

-Bravo!

You wouldn't get her to the start.

We have another conscientious objector, Father.

Company! Do you object to the circus or the slaughter, Major?

-I support Sheppard's position on pacifism.

-Good for you.

So, when does the carnage begin?

After the War Widow's Revue, but before the craft fair, in between the Dog Show and the shoot.

Don't forget the highlight, Mother's Christmas dance is the hot ticket.

She's ordered the most exquisite Japanese lanterns.

-From Japan?

-No, Fortnum & Mason's.

-Oh, yes.

Prepare for a whirlwind, Larita.

I'm breathless already.

-I won't make it to Christmas.

-You won't need to.

I won't make it to breakfast! What were we just eating?

The lumpy grey and beige concoction?

Oh, yes. That's the word I was looking for..."greige".

Absolutely no idea. But it is the speciality of the house.

-Incoming! Have you met my namesake? He's very good in bed.

-Shh!

-They'll hear you.

-I don't care.

-I do.

-I know we need the heat, but please don't smoke in here.

Mother's clairvoyant about these things.

She loathes me, Johnnie.

I'm a gold-digger, burrowing in from the land of opportunists.

Your father's an interesting study, Quietly sardonic. I like that in a man.

That won't earn you many brownie points under this roof.

After the Armistice, Father didn't come straight home.

He caroused around France and Italy, drinking, having affairs.

A lot of men did similar...couldn't settle down.

Why didn't she go after him?

A question of pride. He finally just wandered home.

Still a bit of a sore point. We try not to speak about it.

Except in public. You see, she feels she's missed out on something.

Which means, of course, she's missed out on everything.

Exactly. The war robbed her of all her expectations. She takes one look at a woman like you...

The harlot stealing into the nursery.

The delicious concubine

with the delectable ears...

nose...

neck.

I could just...eat you.

After that meal, I'm not surprised.

MUFFLED MOANS

Dear Lord, thank you for bringing John and his floozy home safely.

MUFFLED MOANS

Why is Larita always so late?

-You can't hurry perfection.

-Edgar was never late for a meal.

He's missed a few lately.

Good morning. How are we all on this glorious day?

There she is! Morning, darling.

What would madam like for breakfast?

I think Madam will get more sustenance from a kipper.

But it won't be as much fun.

Aren't you riding with us?

Darling, I think it's about high time that your mother and I have an intimate tete a tete.

Just us girls.

-Lovely.

-What a frightening thought.

Two hemispheres under one roof. Papua New Guinea, India, the Argentine.

I may not have travelled, but the world has come to me.

Are you coming down with something?

Pollen. But if I hold my breath long enough...

-How peculiar.

-Which is why we should get to know one another.

Where does one start?

Shall I make headway? I was born in Detroit.

My father worked in a steel plant.

He was one of the first lured over to Henry Ford.

-Ah, hence the love of motoring?

-Yes, but I also love animals.

I am a city girl. I take chickens to the vet.

Oh! You can't be squeamish about livestock now that you are living in the country.

Which was never my intention.

I was happily carving out a niche for myself on the race circuit when I was unexpectedly flagged down

by someone irresistible. Remarrying was the farthest thing from my mind.

I see.

May I ask...?

Oh, dead, unfortunately. No children.

Oh... How disappointing for you.

Still, he provided well, though?

Yes, but there were a lot of hidden costs associated with his passing.

Oh, that beautiful motor car. Surely, you must have independent means?

I'm more than happy to discuss my means, but I think you'll be a tad disappointed.

The car is my sole source of income,

which makes living in London an imperative.

But what will John do in the city?

Work. It's not uncommon.

Oh!

John was brought up in the country, Larita. Where will he work?

Chalk Farm, perhaps? Or St Martin's In The Fields?

I know this is not perfect, so that's why I'm asking for your guidance.

So, please, how can I make this pleasant for everybody?

Well, erm...wartime experience dictates that you keep your head down and you fit in as well as you can.

Oh, there's a war on?

Oh, no. Not necessarily.

Australian mimosa. Mmm...beautiful.

Oh!

-"And then the British troops opened fire." How grizzly!

-How'd it go, Mother?

Oh, marvellous!

Marvellous.

-Thanks for the invitation!

-Oh, it's Lord Hurst!

I fear storm clouds are gathering, Mrs Whit.

Stop being maudlin, Father.

It's the future!

-Spanner!

-Father, allow me to introduce Panda's new chauffeuse.

-Lovely La La Larita.

-Watch it, Philip.

My son is prone to fabrication, but I can see on this occasion he has been perfectly frank, Mrs Whittaker.

Yes, that's right. There are two of us now.

No shortage of Whits around here any more. OK, stand back!

I give you, the future!

All right, John. You can take my baby out for a spin.

Ha-ha! Allergies. She inflates like a puffer fish.

You just want to squeeze her until she pops.

# Working at the car wash

# You might not ever strike it rich

# But let me tell you, it's better than digging a ditch

# Working at the car wash!

# Working at the car wash, man

# Come on, now, sing it to me

# It's better than digging a ditch... #

The missus is a bit trigger-happy this week.

Bleeding tinnitus is killing me.

I like the new Mrs Whit. Reminds me of the old one before the war.

Only more reasonable. You can tell she's run her own household.

Oh, be silent! Good morning, Furber, Jackson, Millie, and...?

Cook, I can't call you a verb.

-Your name?

-Beatrice.

All right, all right... it's Doris. Sorry, madam.

Always wanted to be called Beatrice.

Well, Beatrice, would you mind if I helped myself in the mornings?

I fear I shall be rising later and later.

Well, if it pleases, Mrs Whit.

The point of the bell...

when I ring it, you come to me, not the other way round!

Larita. May I have a word? Come along!

Would you please refrain from chatting to the staff?

It's chore enough trying to keep this motley crew together.

I had a brilliant French maid in Paris.

Perhaps I should send for her?

Thank you, no...erm... I'd prefer to keep English the first language in this household.

Ah, there you are.

-IN BRITISH ACCENT:

-I say! Anyone for tennis?

-Yes. You!

-John, Shackleton wouldn't let a dog out today!

-The fog has lifted and Whittakers don't do winter.

-You go ahead, darling. I'll play with myself.

-No, really. I'm a lot of fun.

-Ooh...

John! It's brass monkeys out here!

Day one of the Antarctic Open.

Mr Whittaker to serve.

-Hole in one!

-Deuce.

-I see your pair of deuces and I raise you a tenner.

The Titanic could have hit that!

Sarah, you're an embarrassment to the family name. I'll have you killed.

Good God! What's wrong with you? No!

Stop now! Stop, everybody! Listen!

Shoot the court jester!

-Nice backhand!

-Is that a backhand compliment?

# Mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the midday sun

# The Japanese don't care to

# The Chinese wouldn't dare to

# Hindus and Argentines sleep firmly from 12 to one

# But Englishmen detest a siesta... #

Laurel and Hardy step up to the crease. The fillies are lining up.

Miss Hilda Whittaker looking most fetching in her feed bag and bridle!

One woman's heaven.

Oh, she's absolutely beautiful.

Broken, tarnished and completely useless.

Things guaranteed to keep my wife at bay.

-May I?

-If you don't mind getting your hands dirty.

In Detroit, what we lack in dirt, we make up for in filth.

Your first husband from that neck of the woods?

Oh...well, word gets about.

So where is he now?

Dead.

Cancer.

He was a fair bit older than me.

I spent a while playing the unmerry widow, but the black wore thin.

You didn't care for him, I gather?

I cared too much.

Life was just such an unpleasant experience for the man.

I'd be a liar to say I wasn't glad when he was relieved of it.

-When were you last in France?

-Just after the war.

On a personal reconnaissance, trying to ascertain what exactly all those fine young men had died for.

Apparently, I'm of the romantic Lost Generation.

What did you lose?

I'm not sure.

DOG BARKS

Oh, hello...hello. Who was the tiny tank? Who's a pretty, little, cheeky chorizo?

On bended knees, please come and play with me.

Johnnie, dear, you know how much I love you, so please try to take this in the best possible light.

I'm getting a machine gun and mowing down your entire family.

That's fairly disappointing.

I thought at least you and Father were getting along.

Yes, I might spare the men folk.

But it's awfully dispiriting. We have absolutely no privacy here.

-I never needed any privacy before. This is my home.

-It's not mine, and I very much want one.

# We're all alone, no chaperone can get our number

# The world's aslumber, let's misbehave... #

DOG BARKS

Timing is everything, you little brute!

Umpire at least. Philip is pining for you.

If I knew you played tennis, I never would've signed the marriage certificate!

DOG BARKS, CRUNCHING

Not a bad day for it.

-Reading. My fiance Edgar was always hiding behind books.

-Um...

you're needed on the tennis court. John was just asking after you.

Would you like to see a photo of him...my Edgar?

Poppy!

That's Enrico Caruso.

Who's dead, I know that.

But if you ignore the nose and the mouth, and the ears, there's a striking resemblance.

I don't actually have a picture of Edgar.

Well...mustn't keep you.

No, no. Of course. Looking forward to getting stuck into a good book.

-Poppy!

-You haven't seen the beast, have you?

The dog? Nope. I haven't.

Poppy!

Oh, poor, poor Poppy. I'm so sorry.

Larita!

I've been sent in to badger you. Please help us make up doubles?

Oh, Hilda, I can't. I'm only good for the cocktails between sets.

-We're between sets now.

-You can't possibly want me on court.

Philip! Go get him.

Poppy!

Poppy! Poppy!

What are you doing?

Reading. Sodom And Gomorrah.

A Biblical Story.

Who gave you this filth?

Go and find the dog!

Larita! Please refrain from giving my daughter pornographic literature.

Yes, yes, of course.

Oh, and I've volunteered you and Hilda to perform the Dance Of The Dying Swan for the War Widows' Revue.

-We're short on numbers.

-Lovely.

Anything to help.

-Have you seen the dog?

-No.

-Not recently.

-Probably out seizing the sunshine like everyone else.

Poppy!

Furber!

-Oh, it's you, madam. I'm sorry. Can I get you anything?

-A shovel.

Shovel. Of course.

Go and get Philip a hot toddy.

Philip. You look so...so...so...

-The suspense is killing me.

-Poppy!

Oh...sorry.

It's fine.

Your brother is such a sharply honed twit.

Where's our beautiful cougar hiding?

Under a book, I expect. I wish she wouldn't slack indoors so much.

Some people would kill to be indoors with Larita.

She isn't built the same as us.

Still, it is annoying, though.

You're such a sport, always ready for anything.

I haven't got Lari's beauty or charm or intelligence.

She is clever, isn't she?

Hmm. Clever...and bored.

I don't understand it. I'm not bored, you're not bored, nobody else is bored.

Your father is, out of his mind.

Father was born bored. If only she made an effort to play along.

Stop being so torturous, Panda.

You had her playing charades last night. What more do you want?

John!

John?

To tell the truth, I never really liked her.

Crabby, snappy, little bitch.

I didn't like the dog much, either.

Poor Poppy. Casualty of war.

If I may be so bold, madam?

These people ride horses.

Lots of horses. It would be advantageous to do the same.

And I thought Detroit was a tough town.

# You do something to me

# Something that simply mystifies me... #

Oh, has your horse run out of gas?

Oh, John, don't hurt it.

Far from it. We've got a hunt coming up.

Poor little mite needs a head start.

Go on...run!

So much to learn about each other.

My curriculum vitae. The brook is the border of Sarah's property.

Mother always imagined we'd join forces and invade Surrey.

Oh, and how about those foot soldiers on high?

That's Davis, Lord Hurst's man.

And there's Lord Hurst.

Closely followed by my mother-in-law.

I wonder what the devil they're surveying?

Are you disappointed you didn't marry Sarah?

Of course not. We've seen each other naked since we were one.

She's part of the...the...scenery.

You can hack it a little while longer, can't you?

How long is a little?

And don't say two weeks again.

Well, there's the War Widows' Revue, the craft fair, the hunt.

-The memorial service.

-What memorial service?

Friends, we are gathered here today in remembrance of our missing friend, Poppy.

Oh, Poppy. Wherever you have chosen to sow your seeds, we pray that you are blooming.

We pray that you have gone to a better place. Shame we don't know exactly where that place is.

Anyway, now for a eulogy from Emily Dickinson, queen of mirth.

"Because I could not stop for death, he kindly stopped for me.

"The carriage held but just ourselves and immortality."

Or maybe the carriage didn't stop and Poppy got squished.

HILDA GIGGLES

-Scraped off the road and put in a sausage.

-Oh, Hilda!

Thank you, Mr Gribble.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, behold Reverend Burton

and Marion Whittaker as they reach for the scissors in Samson And Delilah.

Hark! I hear my husband snore!

What the hell happened to Delilah?

Looks like a sock full of oranges.

I'll creep forth on padded foot and relieve him of his ample follicles.

LAUGHTER

-How hilarious!

-It's meant to be a tragedy!

Then you succeeded beyond your wildest dreams.

Your father seems to have a fan.

Don't read too much into it.

She was a godsend during mother's last months.

Sometimes I wonder where they'd be without each other.

Marion, my ample follicles are in dire need of a trim.

I wouldn't taunt the artistes, my little dying swans. You're on next.

I've encouraged my girls to undertake something a little more contemporary.

Hilda and I seem to have a talent for the Can-Can.

The traditional Can-Can, performed without underwear?

-Oh, Philip!

-Anything for you, Philip.

-Yes, anything.

-That'll raise a bit more than money for the war widows. I'm doubling my donation.

Oh, Pinkie.

Fans at the ready, gentlemen!

All the way from gay Paris, I give you Miss Hilda Whittaker

and, for her debut performance, Mrs John Whittaker,

doing the Can-Can!

Is it my imagination, or is your daughter dancing without her scanties?

Bravo!

-It's not Lari's fault.

-She said it was traditional!

Philip said it, not Larita. And it was a joke.

Everyone understood that except Nelly No Knickers here!

Hilda isn't as experienced as your wife, John. No-one is.

-If you're not prepared to have a straight talk to her, I am.

-Don't be ridiculous. You'll lose a finger.

Lord Hurst will never speak to me again.

Rubbish. I saw you with the surveyors in the fields.

-Preparing the jumps for the hunt!

-I'm completely humiliated! I'll never get a husband now!

-After tonight, I'd have thought they'll be lining up round the block.

-I hate her! Hate, hate, hate her!

The advance notices are sensational, Mrs John.

Is it my imagination or is the cutlery particularly deafening this evening?

I don't know how many times I have to say this, Hilda. I am sorry.

That's easy for you to say.

It's surprisingly hard to be easy.

-You're smiling, Jim.

-God forbid, the wind might change.

Hilda, if I had any inkling that you were going to take me seriously...

You could have made an effort to enjoy it less.

I had my underpants on. I was having a grand time.

It's not fair! You've got two husbands, and I've had none.

-Technically, I have one.

-But you've had two.

I've had two shoes and it's a great deal more practical.

I dare say you've worn down more soles than that.

John...

Marion, Larita's first husband died of cancer. Stop being so callous.

Oh, I'm sure Marion can appreciate the pain of watching a loved one slip through her fingers.

She's scandalous! You should hear what they're saying about her in the village.

Well, let's stop the wagging tongues, shall we?

Is it true you've had as many lovers as they say?

Of course it's not true, Mrs Whittaker.

Hardly any of them actually loved me.

That was uncalled for. I realise it was a joke, but still.

-You threw me to the wolves in there.

-Marion hardly constitutes wolves.

All right, you threw me to the voles. Either way, you abandoned me.

Your sisters need to be restrained.

Restrained? Hilda breaks loose once and she's almost institutionalised. And poor old Marion...

Edgar drops by for a cup of sugar, and mother has his name engraved on the family crypt.

-I'm sorry, but it really is very funny.

-Hilarious(!)

Welcome to the petrified circus. Meet the resident contortionist who can't bend any further.

Then stop. Be yourself. Let them live in your spell.

# You do that voodoo that you do so well... #

You're right, of course.

I'm a hypocrite, pretending to be someone I'm not.

Especially since it isn't working.

What the devil has that dog dug up?

Pilot, what have you got there?

Aargh!

How could you not tell us?

Marion, it was an accident. I am walking on eggshells here

and I believe I panicked. And once again, I'm very, very sorry.

How could you do it? How could you?

I imagine she bent her legs and lowered her full weight onto the Chihuahua beneath her.

-Marion, please.

-John, did you have anything to do with this?

No. No, I was the sole perpetrator of Poppy's demise. And ever since I have been wracked with guilt.

Please, please, please let me buy you a new dog.

You might buy your loved ones in the United States, but you can't in the United Kingdom.

How unfortunate.

You could at least show some remorse.

I am full of remorse. I just refuse to invest in amateur theatrics to convince you of my sincerity.

That's not how I came off the assembly line. I'm sorry.

I can't change. Not for you...

not for anybody...any more.

And I wouldn't want her any other way. So...

Madam, the dog.

Oh, stay back! Stay back!

I knew it the second I laid eyes on her. She's a killer.

She sat on poor Poppy deliberately.

Don't be ridiculous. Of course she didn't.

My brother has married a dog murderer. She should be put down.

-Put through a divorce court.

-The Lord does not sanction divorce.

The Lord is almighty, Marion. He can sanction anything he likes.

-The sooner they move out the better.

-They move out? John isn't going anywhere.

Watch and learn.

MUSIC PLAYS

It's so unfair. Why can't I have a room like this?

I could die of envy!

Laying to rest this tragic incident, we've had this splendid set of rooms made over for you, haven't we, Jim?

Yes. My wife would like you to rest in peace.

I even had an old friend of Johnnie's brought down from the attic.

Old Faithful Awaits His Master's Return.

I used to sleep under that silly painting.

Very comforting, I'm sure, but we're expected back in Mayfair.

But these are the largest rooms in the house. You'll find nothing like it in London.

-She has a point...

-She always does.

-Sometimes I don't know why you ever did wander home.

-And miss all the fun?

-Cook would like to inform you, Mrs Whittaker, the bird is stuffed.

-Oh!

What bird, hmm?

Thursday is bubble and squeak. I hadn't made any arrangements.

Oh, but I have!

In appreciation of your understanding, and now for that delicious double bed.

We'll think of you every time we use it.

-What exactly are we celebrating?

-Thanksgiving.

Thanks for what, hmm?

The annihilation of an entire indigenous people.

A loving union of two great cultures.

-Just like us.

-How transcontinental.

-I can't believe you got access to the kitchen.

-Beatrice did put up a fight.

But technically, I outrank her.

-Who's Beatrice?

-Your cook.

Or now my undercook, since I'm qualified cordon bleu.

-That's a degree.

-Furber, can you take the vegetables down to the kitchen and tell Cook to cook them?

No, Furber, thank you. I think I'll surprise my alimentary canal.

Mother, if you don't mind, I'm going to eat my meal before it gets cold.

-Furber, I've changed my mind, bring it back!

-Me, too.

Gobble, gobble!

Yes!

Here's a tip, Hilda. A sure way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Or his mother.

Larita, look, I've found another likeness of Edgar.

-Marion, this is Fatty Arbuckle.

-Who's in jail, I know that.

But if you cut out his cheeks and give him a bald patch, there's a striking resemblance.

Edgar's away on a trip across the pond, sewing his wild oats, or something agricultural.

-She's good, I'll give her that.

-I think you're over-reacting.

Lari? Lari!

Not the vase! Not the vase!

"Taking the corncockle buds and bee-kissed roses roughly in his calloused hands, his hot,

"moist tulip exploded in her river of delights..."

Larita?

-Early Christmas present. For you, darling.

-Ooh, the mind boggles.

Well, it's...it's...

-It's magnificent.

-It's monstrous!

It's me. I posed for a young Spaniard.

Don't you absolutely adore it?

-Very expressive, darling, but I can't quite see you in it.

-You can see everything else!

You took your clothes off in front of a total stranger?

Of course she took her clothes off.

-I think it's unholy.

-I'm not sure I approve of you being nude.

You know, without...without me.

Extraordinary. What exactly are you hoping to achieve?

Just trying to get into the swing of things...Mother.

Marvellous! Well, then, you'll be riding in the hunt with us, won't you?

-I might be persuaded if the painting stays.

-Hunt.

-Paint.

-Hunt.

-Paint.

-Hunt!

Very well.

Hunt.

View, hello.

Hello, everyone. Good to see you. Richard.

Morning, Jim! After generations of false starts, we've finally managed to combine our cavalry.

Congratulations. A marriage of minor convenience.

You'll be fine, I promise.

The second you have the Holborough boy's eye, flirt outrageously.

-But Warwick Holborough has ears like the Cambridge Cup!

-And Philip's the prize.

Now, if you want a man's attention...ignore him.

Warwick The Wingnut and Sausage Fingers? What a handsome couple.

They'll have puppies not children.

Wait... There's something I need to say.

I see you, you're wasted here.

When the time comes, give me a ring.

If I could find your neck, Philip, I'd wring it.

-Larita's making sheep's eyes at Philip.

-She's a Venus de Flytrap!

She wants him all to herself.

She's not interested in Philip. Nobody's interested in Philip.

-I am!

-Mount up, Larita.

If you don't mind, I think I might give the fox a head start.

Lari, get on the pony, please.

Oh, it's just as I thought.

Oh, I said I'd ride, and I'm always good for my word.

Tally-ho!

# Spy on me, baby, use satellite

# Infrared to see me move through the night

# Aim, going to fire, shoot me right

# I'm going to like the way you fight

# Now you've found the secret code I use

# To wash away my lonely blues

# So I can't deny or lie cos you're the only one to make me fly

# Sex bomb, sex bomb You're my sex bomb

# You can give it to me when I need to come along... #

# Sex bomb, sex bomb You're my sex bomb... #

-What is she doing?

-A victory lap, by the look of things.

There's something wild about that child that's so contagious.

Whoo-hoo!

Well, she promised she'd ride. Ha-ha!

# No chaperone can get our number

# The world's in a slumber Let's misbehave!

# There's something wild about you, child, that's so contagious

# Let's be outrageous Let's misbehave!

# When Adam won Eve's hand he wouldn't stand for teasin'

# He didn't care about those apples out of season

# They say that spring means just one little thing to little lovebirds

# We're not above, birds Let's misbehave! #

Whoo!

Miss Hilda, telephone from New York.

Uncle George? Oh, thank God, a friendly voice.

Yes, and she's a complete nightmare.

Really? How salacious.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Come in.

Mother? I'd like to apologise for today's schmozzle.

That really won't be necessary.

Larita made no secret of her disapproval of blood sports.

She did ride as promised.

Well, we should credit her with her imaginative way of keeping her word.

You must be very proud of her.

Mother, I think... I think maybe Larita and I ought to go.

Oh... Yes, I see. Very well.

Feel free to drop in whenever it takes your fancy. Off you go. Enjoy.

Don't be like that.

I'm sorry, dear, wasn't Mummy being kind enough? Take these, they might get you as far as Constantinople!

And this, Casablanca.

-Mother, stop it!

-No. You stop it!

Stop being so naive!

The money's gone, John. Nothing left.

The only thing standing between this family and bankruptcy are those surveyors in the back field.

Lord Hurst is offering to buy 400 acres to keep the bailiffs away.

It's your legacy, John Whittaker, and I'm selling it.

-I had no idea.

-No. No, you don't.

You were supposed to take over the estate, take your responsibilities.

But you were unexpectedly flagged down.

I've been struggling for years with a man who doesn't care, waiting for you to step up to the mark.

No. You just go. Go to Algiers with your racing car driver.

I'm too tired to care any more!

It's not exactly surprising, John. Look at the grounds. Your mother is being very practical.

-In what sense?

-You're not coming back.

Your father moved out decades ago. Philip's not going to marry Hilda.

Nobody's going to marry Marion.

-Subdividing the land and selling to a trusted neighbour is an elegant solution.

-Somewhat harsh.

I've had my fair share of selling off my past, and it is an auction

of innocence that's neither fun nor pretty, but it is realistic, something your mother excels in.

But it's my responsibility.

Gracious, how can I have been so blind?

Oh, winter hydrangeas! How do you do it?

It's a controlled mixture of passion, persistence and horse manure.

I was hoping to catch a glimpse of the new bride.

Ah! John's wife has very fickle allergies.

Allergies to what?

Flowers, Emma. Can you believe it?

That is a strange choice of bed fellow for this neck of the woods.

You'll just have to make do with John and Sarah.

It'll be like old times.

# When you're smiling The whole world smiles... #

Why the big Panda eyes?

-Sarah, I've often meant to ask you something, but I hadn't the courage.

-Well, don't then.

Did you think I behaved like a cad, marrying Larita without telling you?

No, of course not. You took the opportunity and married for love. I respect you for it.

If we'd have married it would've been for friendship and convenience.

-Would it?

-Yes! We knew one another far too well.

I want my marriage to be thrilling, romantic, with passionate love letters.

-I could've written you love letters.

-Well, you didn't, did you?

I did love you all the same.

John, stop it.

He's very different from the man I met in France.

Boy. The same, sweet boy.

Is it true what she says? Are you really selling off the land?

To be perfectly honest, I haven't the faintest idea.

But it's your home, it's your community. Doesn't that matter?

-No.

-You're a dark horse.

Have you noticed how few men of my age there are in this village?

14 years ago, we all took the King's shilling. We all signed up together.

My brother, friends, staff.

All hunkered down in the front row of the Great War.

I thought they kept Majors safely behind desks?

Promotion for surviving.

As Captain, it was my job to get them all out of the trenches.

Within the first four minutes of our first charge,

20,000 men died.

In Thorverton, down the road here, they were stationed in Morocco.

Their Captain brought them all home.

I didn't bring a single man back.

This whole village died.

I think there's a glimmer of life in you yet.

Well, if there is, it has no time for pet cemeteries and Japanese lanterns.

Why did you come back?

I had no choice.

Bonjour, Madame.

Qu'est-ce que vous voulez?

She came for you?

Why the lie?

She thought "wandering home" sounded better.

And to be perfectly frank, I no longer cared.

I hate new games. There are too many balls, I can't sink anything.

Sink some gin, Sausage Fingers!

-I never, ever win.

-Oh, well done!

Stop sucking it. Come and help. Come on, Pops.

All right, missy, hold your horses.

Right, clear the decks, puppies.

May I?

I was hoping to have a word.

Oh, we're accentuating the positive today, I don't have a mind for anything else.

Of course, of course. I know you are under considerable stress.

Regarding what?

Lord Hurst's kind offer to buy into your property.

The realtor I'm dealing with in London also specialises in subdivision.

Perhaps he could help negotiate a premium price.

Thank you, but really this is of no concern of yours.

Of course it's a concern. I am a member of this family now and I'd like to help.

And this is your interpretation of "help", is it?

Carving up our heritage and selling it off to the highest bidder?

Coming from a country no older than the chair you are sitting in, it seems a very practical solution.

Just forget the seven generations of people who have devoted their entire lives to farming this land.

Get someone else to do it. With a machine, no less.

Who do you think you are?

Swinging your wherewithal like a cat on heat.

If you really want to be of assistance, Larita, I think you know what's required.

Right. I think it's time an expert showed you how this game is played.

Bravo! What a sportswoman, I must say.

Can you imagine? Fantastic!

-Lari, you're confusing me.

-I'm feeling trapped.

-I don't understand.

-It's this house!

It has an air of doom hanging over it.

And I can barely stand the weight much longer.

The answer is to go abroad again.

Not yet. This is my life for now, you know that.

-And what part do I play in it?

-Do you have to be so loud?

Of course I do! I'm American.

HE LAUGHS

What is the use of bickering like this? It doesn't lead anywhere.

You never know. It might lead to a natural end.

Do you want it to?

Do you?

No! I just want some peace and quiet.

You're far too young to make a remark like that.

I can't help my age...Grandma.

Look, I'm sorry that I leave you alone so much.

-Honestly, I'm sorry.

-Good. Then let's do something about it.

Why are we driving so fast?

The thrill of escape!

You're looking very game today. Fairest game in the land.

A penny for your thoughts?

It's more than pennies, I'm afraid, Pinkie. I don't think I can afford the party this year.

But the Japanese lanterns!

No, cancelled. Had to choose, Japanese lanterns or the maid.

You're not getting out of it that easily.

My offer of cellar and staff still stands. It wouldn't be Christmas without your knees-up.

GUNSHOT

Oh! This is the first piece of clarity I've had since arriving.

Whoo!

Why can't we live in moments like these for ever?

Why? Because you've stopped loving me, my darling!

How can you say that?

Oh, I just open my mouth and the words come out.

Then let's make a fresh start.

There are so many things I need to tell you about me. Hard things.

-I don't care.

-I do.

It doesn't matter.

I trust you absolutely.

Come on.

Shot!

John!

-Top hole.

-Oh!

I can't decide which is worse, that you had to sneak outside to get some privacy,

-or that you were caught by Veronica.

-Who's Veronica?

I am. It's my name.

-I fail to see the humour in it!

-No, darling, you're quite right.

I can certainly see the serious implications. It's not a laughing matter.

-It's only a laughing matter.

-Indecent exposure is illegal.

Even in America.

Yep. You're right. And we're very, very sorry, aren't we?

No, I'm not. This is my husband.

-And this is my home!

-Maybe it's time for the young ones to fly the nest?

Certainly not. They will stay put and brazen this out.

And you can get that ghastly painting out of my house!

We do not need any more reminders of your easy virtue!

-Excited, Furber?

-Overwhelmed, sir.

Miss Hilda. Uncle George.

How explosive!

Furber, I recognise that as asparagus.

Correct, Madam.

Ha! I pity poor Panda.

Oh, what is it now?

Read! The Detroit News. Uncle George is a super sleuth!

-Collecting old newspapers is the last refuge of a truly boring man.

-Boring? Far from it.

It was a scandal! Wasn't it...

Mrs Morley?

Mrs Tom Morley of Detroit, Michigan.

Don't be grotesque, Hilda.

Well, I suppose I'd better finish my meal before it wilts entirely.

-Any dressing?

-Oh, I am genuinely shocked!

-No, thanks, I always end up wearing it.

-We've been hoodwinked!

-Especially that runny vinaigrette.

-Fire and brimstone!

-Mayonnaise has more ballast.

-Will you stop this insulting behaviour immediately!

Oh, I always hated that photo of myself.

Of everything I ever expected, nothing prepared me for this.

-For what?

-She was charged with murder.

-I was acquitted.

-And that's consolation?

-I told you my husband died.

But you didn't tell us how, did you?

-Does John know about this? I see.

-It's no concern of ours.

-Father! Really!

-Yes, and after Hilda went to all that trouble digging it up.

I'm going outside for a cigarette.

-Care to join me?

-Thank you, Jim. Don't mind if I do.

No concern?

-The pack's closing.

-This woman has taken advantage of our son!

He'd never have married her if he'd known the truth.

-You know that, do you?

-You'd have preferred we had an affair?

It would've been more appropriate!

-Mother!

-Unfortunately, I agree with you!

It's easy to talk like this now.

It isn't easy, it's heartbreaking. I love John, but it's not blind love.

MARION SNORTS

Marion, does that sound indicate contempt or asthma?

-You can't palm us off like that, Mrs Morley.

-This is your doing, child.

-You're a bigger fool than you look.

-Larita is your type, isn't she, Father?

That is the nicest thing any of you have ever said.

Hello, are we having a picnic?

John, I think your wife better unveil this one herself. Don't you, Larita?

Before we met...

..I was involved in a court case over the death of my husband.

It was seedy and stressful,

but since I was found innocent I didn't think it necessary to burden you with the details.

-Innocent?

-She was responsible for a man killing himself!

The verdict was suicide, but that's not where it started.

I thought it was cancer.

It was. But he was so desperately sick.

If you'd known him, you would've understood how forgivable it was.

-It's not as if she poisoned him herself.

-That's what everyone thinks.

-She's a black widow.

I pity you, Marion.

-Really? Well, I won't let you!

-Right, that's it!

You have a dance to organise, I suggest you all get to it! Go on!

Now!

Hilda! Come on, inside!

John...

Are you crying because you're angry or ashamed?

Neither.

Coming here has been the most demoralising experience of my life.

Why didn't you tell me?

I wanted to, everything just happened so fast.

That's not good enough.

I tried to, several times.

But you trusted me..."absolutely".

And you saw the field day those fatuous hypocrites made of it.

Please remember they're my family.

I shouldn't think of them at all if they weren't.

Still...you should have told me.

You should have loved me more.

I couldn't love you any more.

You should have loved me better.

I don't understand you, Larita.

I don't understand you at all.

-Are you all left feet?

-Dancing with you is like trying to move a piano.

I wonder what the American will be wearing.

Or who she'll be poisoning!

Do you like long, moonlit walks?

Only when taken by people who annoy me.

You've got me all to yourself. Larita's upstairs with a headache.

And which little fool, pray tell, gave her that?

Do you think you ought to go and see if Larita is coping?

-I already have. She's fine.

-It's been a very trying day for her, John.

Go and escort your wife down.

I wouldn't worry. You know my wife, she'll make an entrance when she's ready.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Come in.

Quickly, you'll blow my cover.

Why are you sitting in the dark?

Watching.

People are so universally similar when their guard is down.

It seems they are universally similar when their guard is up, as well.

May I?

-Thank you for being gallant today.

-You are damn cool in a crisis.

The judge at my trial said something similar.

Why did you do it?

Why did you marry John?

My first husband was older, and his end was messy.

Long afterwards, this...boy,

this pure boy arrived fresh and unblemished.

I married him because any other relationship seemed cheap and squalid.

My first marriage cost me my youth, and here I am stealing someone else's.

What will you do?

The best I can.

Oh, Davis, thank you. And thank you, Pinkie.

No, not at all, my dear. Just look at this turnout.

Hmm. They've only come for a repeat performance of the Cincinnati succubus.

May I have the pleasure?

Tango, please.

Certainly.

Dance with me, John.

Lari, don't.

Please? Dance with me.

-You've got to stop them, Mother.

-No, I don't.

Oh, marvellous! Marvellous!

Straight from the bordellos of Buenos Aires to the Hippodrome of London. Maestro, take it away!

Jim, this is the end.

-Congratulations, madam.

-Have you been drinking, Furber?

-Yes, madam. Prodigiously.

-You are full of surprises.

Oh, yes, madam. I was even arrested once.

What for?

Bigamy.

Ah, there you are, Pinkie, I've found you.

Larita, where are you going?

Away, Sarah. For John's sake. Far, far away.

-Is there anything I can do?

-You can look after him.

Women like me are tiresome in love. We expect too much.

Marry John. It's the way things always should've been.

I'm just so sorry I got in the way.

You love him that much?

Go.

I'll cover for you.

-Sweet Sarah.

-So glad you've recovered from your headache.

Please don't build any convenient social lies on my behalf.

-I say, Mother is only...

-Fighting to keep the charade alive?

You've shown tremendous fortitude holding this family together, Veronica, and I can respect that.

What I can't respect is the manipulative road you've chosen to maintain control.

This war is over.

-Move on.

-"Move on." Oh, how convenient.

Oh, wake up, Marion.

Edgar's not coming back.

And that ring isn't stuck, you are.

And Hilda, you've got such promise, yet you're squandering it on malice.

My advice to both you girls? Run! Go see the world through your own eyes.

So speaks the siren, leading the sailors to their death.

-At least I'm not Medusa, turning them to stone.

-Get out!

Larita? Lari? Lari, don't go.

John, I have to. I can't live here. Nothing can.

But you're my wife, and I love you.

Oh, John, my darling...

..you don't know what love is.

You have no idea what it means to love someone so much that you will do anything for them.

Even inject them with poison when they were too feeble to do it for themselves.

I don't believe that you could've ever loved me like that.

Oh, John, let her go.

Let her go, off into the sunset to inject another family with her poison!

-Mother...

-Off you go! Before your past catches up with you again!

Mother!

Oh, you evil...!

Mother! Shut up!

-They are predicting warmer weather, madam.

-Yes, Furber, I believe they are.

Thank you.

-Very generous.

-There's something special in there for Jackson. Please make sure he gets it.

Of course. Where will madam be staying?

Who knows?

Good luck.

And you, Furber.

-Would you forward the painting please, Furber?

-To where, sir?

I shall enjoy passing on the good news, sir.

Well, my dear, when the going gets tough, the tough get going.

-# I've got something to tell you

-Really?

-# I got something to say

-I'm all ears

# I'm going to put these wheels in motion

# And let nothing stand in my way

# Darling, I'll climb any mountain

# Darling, I'll do anything

# When the going gets tough

# The tough get going

# When the going gets rough

# The tough get rough

# Gonna get myself across the river

# That's the price that I'm willing to pay

# I'm gonna make you stand and deliver

# And give me love in that old-fashioned way

# Oh, darling, I'll climb any mountain

# Darling, I'll do anything

# Cos when the going gets tough

# The tough get going

# When the going gets rough

# The tough get rough... #

My lords, ladies and gentlemen, introducing the Easy Virtue Orchestra.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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