Holiday in Handcuffs

CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYS

'I'm not crazy.

'I'm a long way from crazy.

'Doing one crazy thing does not make a person crazy.

'Though I have to admit,

'this isn't how I expected to be spending my Christmas.

'And I'm sure it's not how David Martin planned on spending his.'

So, you've been walking for what, about an hour?

And you've gone exactly 1.8 miles.

The nearest gas station is 20 miles away.

You do the math.

Look, why don't you just come back to the house?

We'll make some hot chocolate, OK?

Are you OK?

Nothing smart to say?

Is your face frozen?

You...

are...

..the devil.

ALARM BEEPS

'The day started out like every other day,

'which lately, is not necessarily a good thing.'

TELEPHONE RINGS

Oh, crap!

Trudie, that word is so tacky.

-'Hi, Mum.'

-Hi, honey.

We're getting organised. We brought everything. You never know with a rental.

-'So, you have directions and everything?'

-I do.

I'm doing seating arrangements for dinner, so is Nick still coming with you?

Of course he is.

Cocktails at six sharp.

I know, Mum!

'We are so excited to meet him. It'll be a very special Christmas.'

-D'you think he could be the one?

-I don't know, Mum.

-Oh.

-Yeah, maybe he could. Look, I don't have time to talk about this right now.

-I've got to get ready for the interview.

-Oh, wait, wait! Wear your Christmas dress.

It's a great colour on you and the style really slims your hips.

Mum, no, I'm already dressed! And please, for Christmas this year, no more pink sweaters, please!

Pink is the best colour on you with your blue eyes...

-Look, I don't even know if it fits any more.

-'I am telling you, you have...'

-OK. OK. OK!

-No, no, no. I don't have time to talk to...

-'Hey!'

-Hey, Dad.

-You did tell Mr Portnoy I don't have any sales experience?

-What do you mean?

-You sold him lemonade.

-I sold him lemonade when I was 10, when he called me Little Pootie.

Never take no for an answer. Do not leave that room until the job is yours, OK?

-OK. What did you tell him I'd been doing?

-Well, I didn't. I just said you were a late bloomer,

-BUT that you're getting your life together. Make me proud. Can't wait to see you. Love you.

-OK.

Drive safe, OK? Bye. Love you.

I can feel it, honey. I think things are turning around for you!

-OK. Bye, Mum.

-Oh, honey, honey, be sure to do something with your hair.

Oh, my God!

Oh, no! This can't be happening! Aghhh!

'Yep, the day started out like any other, except it was almost Christmas.

'And the constant pressure from my parents to get a real job

'and a serious boyfriend was taking its toll.

'It was enough to drive anyone nuts.

'But aren't most of us just a hair away from crazy anyway?

'I think the difference between sanity and insanity often comes down to timing.'

You... BEEPS HORN

-Hi, Trudie Chandler. I have a...

-You're late.

-I know. I'm sorry...

-He can't see you now.

Oh, no, no, you don't understand.

My parents and Mr Portnoy are neighbours.

My dad set this appointment. It's important I see him.

If it was so important, you should have been on time.

He's in with his next interview.

No. No, he can't be. No. I can't miss this interview!

Don't even think about it!

Mr Portnoy! It's me! Little Pootie, from the corner? Come on!

Come on, you know I can sell.

-I made more money than any of those girls on the street!

-We have a code red up here.

But things are finally turning around for me!

-How'd it go?

-I'm pretty sure I didn't get it.

What are you doing? I don't pay you to chat with your friend.

Get to work, or you'll be out in the gutter.

Shut up, Taj! You're going to fire me like I'm going to sleep with you.

He'd not keep his grandfather's gun here if he knew how close I come to killing him every day.

-Oh, my God!

-Oh, I left it in too long. My mum's always complaining that my hair hangs in my face.

Oh, my God!

It's my Christmas dress. My mum got it for me.

-Taj is really into Christmas this year.

-But he's Hindu.

-How do I look?

-Oh, sweetie.

Oh, Lucy! I completely blew the interview.

I can't believe I have to go home today, there's going to be nowhere to hide!

My mum wanted this to be a special Christmas, so she rented a cabin.

We're going to be trapped like The Shining.

I'm sorry.

I'd offer to come too, but Steve and I are having our first Christmas alone together.

-I have one more chance for survival. Nick's coming with me.

-Table 2 wants their cheque.

-What? That's a little fast.

-It's been a couple of months.

I've nothing to offer them - no husband, no grandchildren, my dad already thinks I'm a lesbian.

-So you're using Nick to get your parents off your back?

-Yes. No!

He's great at first impressions. My parents will love him.

What do you have against him?

-Elitist jackasses aren't my type. They're not yours, either.

-So his family owns banks!

-What's wrong with wealthy and successful?

-He's born into wealth and handed success.

Well, he's coming at two o'clock, so can you try to control the chronic bitch-itis, please?

Table 2, cheque! Hurry up!

I said I wanted a hot fudge, you chowder-head!

-Nice.

-Excuse me.

-When are you going to quit this heinous job?

-Oh, you're here! Yes!

Oh, my God! What happened to you?

-I was trying not to attract attention from my parents.

-Yeah, about that.

-I'm going to pass on the whole holiday song-and-dance.

-What is that supposed to mean?

-Meeting your parents is a whole other level and I don't think we're there yet.

-Oh, OK. OK. Uh-huh.

Do you think that in the next 10 minutes we could get to that level?

Because my parents are expecting you to come home with me!

-I don't think we're ever going to get there.

-You can't bail on me, Nick!

I mean, cocktails are at six o'clock sharp! I need you!

Yeah, the needy thing? Not a turn on.

I can't believe this! This is not happening!

Why did you say you'd come home if you were never going to do it?

Because I knew that that's what you wanted to hear.

You know, we hadn't had sex yet, so...

Yeah. See you later.

Wait!

If you walk out that door now, we are so over.

Er, yeah. OK.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

-Hey, what's up? I'm waiting for Jessica.

-Right over there.

-Dude, of course I'm sure.

So wish me luck, OK?

Thank you. Bye.

Hey! Hey, hey, wake up! Come on! Hurry up. Customer, Table 10. Go! Go, go.

Took you long enough!

What can I get for you?

Uh, I'll take a cheeseburger and fries and a Caesar salad, please. Dressing on the side.

Do you need to write it down?

-VOICES DISTORTED '..said you were a late bloomer.

-..you can't bail on me now!

-'..cocktails are at 6 o'clock.

-I knew that was what you wanted to hear and we hadn't had sex yet...

'..I don't think we're ever going to get there.'

You OK? Where's Nick?

Oh, merry Christmas!

RINGING

What is that ringing?

What is that?

PHONE RINGS

-Hello, Mum?

-Trudie? I knew it. You haven't left yet, have you?

-I'm sorry, Mum.

I said six o'clock! Honey, what part of that did you not understand?

'The entire world can manage to be on time, why can't you do this one thing for me?'

Are you trying to ruin Christmas?

-Trudie?

-We're leaving now.

-'Nick's bringing dinner clothes, right?'

-Yeah.

He's wearing a blue blazer, dress shirt, pink tie.

-'Did you plan the matching pink?'

-No.

-'We didn't plan it.'

-Get in the car.

-Excuse me.

-You're not going.

-This isn't the rest room?

-Come with me.

-No. I'm going to the bathroom.

Look, I'm not sure what kind of government-sponsored work programme you're part of, but I...

-What the hell's that?

-It's a gun!

-Are you sure?

-Yes. It was used to fight the British.

Maybe you've heard of a little thing called the Indian War of Independence, 1857?

-You're kidding, right?

-Move it!

Hey, watch it!

Aggh!

For the love of God!

Wake up!

Wake up.

Ah, you, listen.

-Excuse you?

-Mmm. I'm looking for my boyfriend - handsome, nice dimples.

Handsome, nice dimples. Don't see him.

Maybe this is his way of dumping you.

Oh!

-Uggh.

-Hi!

-Huh?

-Hi?

-How's your head?

How about I take the blindfold off now? How'd that be?

Hi.

Look...

Look, I'm not sure what's going on, or what you want from me,

but this plan doesn't seem very well thought out.

Let's face it, I'm a guy, and sooner or later, I will overpower you.

Good point. Unless you knock yourself out first...

..or I shoot you.

You seem like a nice girl.

Probably nothing a little lithium couldn't fix.

Come on, you're not really going to shoot me with that thing.

Aggh!

-Aggh!

-Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Sorry.

So this is the deal.

You're coming to spend Christmas with my family, as my boyfriend Nick, who couldn't make it.

I'm not doing anything like that, Looney Tunes.

-You don't exactly have a choice, Dwane.

-It's David, and...

Oh-h?

Your boyfriend dumped you.

No, I told you! He couldn't make it.

Right.

You're one of those hairy-lady man-hater types who's been rejected time after time

-and now you're taking it out on an innocent bystander!

-What? No, I'm not!

Gas, gas station. Green and white sign, green and white...

You know there's no way you're going to pull this off, right?

You going to hold the gun at Christmas dinner?

The second I tell your family how demented you are...

Hey! Hey, that's getting personal.

-Hey! What are you doing?

-No cellphone?

It's in my coat.

At the diner. Where I left it, before I was kidnapped!

Man, what is this stuff made of?

-Hello.

-Hi.

Uh, just ten dollars' worth and this.

There you go. I usually pump the gas for the pretty ladies.

Oh, please, that's not necessary.

-Oh, you wouldn't want to deny an old man one of the few pleasures he has left.

-Oh, no, really.

You don't have to do that. I can do it.

-Whoa, what's going on here, sweetheart?

-Oh, that's my boyfriend.

I'm surprising him with a weekend in the woods,

the wild kind of weekend, the tie-me-up, tie-me-down kind.

-You'd better come with me, young lady.

-I really don't have time!

These are on the house, honey!

Oh! Oh.

Thanks.

-Better watch out, or I'll come back for you next!

-Hee-hee-hee!

OK!

So, this kidnapping just got a little bit more professional.

You're kidding.

-And more comfy too, right?

-And just slightly more humiliating.

Lucky little bastard!

Look, I'd like to apologise for earlier, for raising my voice and for, you know,

shooting near your...manhood.

Beef jerky?

Thank you, that's very kind.

OK. So I think we should share a few important facts about each other.

Let me guess, um...

you're some sort of a vice-president, of a company your father owns?

OK, that's a yes.

Um...your parents bought your first house, you sail and golf.

I'm guessing a 14 handicap.

And you're probably some sort of a Zeta Beta Beta Schmeta.

OK, yes, yes and yes.

I'm a 10 handicap.

Oh, great for you(!) I think it's safe to say I've lost my job at Taj's Diner Deluxe.

I live in a crappy loft downtown, I don't golf.

That pretty much sums it up.

OK, I'll be right back.

Oooh, there she is!

Look who's here. Oh, my baby! Oh-ho-ho!

-Mum, don't cry.

-Let me look at you. Oh, my God! What have you done to your hair?

-You look like one of those actresses in a pornographic movie.

-I have porn star hair?

-How do you even know what a porn star looks like?

-Trudie! Let me look at the dress.

Oh, it looks gorgeous.

-What do you think, Richard?

-It's too tight!

-Hi, Dad.

-So, what the hell happened today?

-I don't know. I was late.

Mr Portnoy did this as a favour. It's a reflection on me.

-I know, and I'm sorry.

-Could we not talk about this now?

-I don't want to ruin Christmas by all this negative talk. Where's Nick?

-Oh, he's in the car.

You know when we go to a restaurant, and Dad tells jokes to the waitresses and they're embarrassing,

but he thinks it's funny?

Well, sometimes when Nick feels awkward in a social situation,

he does this "I've been kidnapped" thing.

Kind of weird, but he thinks it's funny. So just laugh along so it doesn't make him feel bad, OK?

OK.

We're very excited to meet him.

Dad, please try not to embarrass him, OK?

Yeah, fine.

OK, we're on.

No! I'm not going.

Well, it's nice and warm in the house. You'll freeze to death out here.

Fine, this charade's about to end right now.

Welcome. This is so, so special.

-You are the first boyfriend Trudie's ever brought home.

-Yeah,

-we thought maybe she liked the innies, you know, not the outies.

-Richard!

-You know what I mean?

OK, listen to me very carefully.

She forced me to come here.

This woman held me at gunpoint, kidnapped me and brought me to this house as her hostage.

-Yeah!

-I see what you mean.

What are you laughing at? Did you just hear me?

Your daughter is a crazy, dangerous criminal.

Yes, she is.

Would you like some egg nog?

I have a secret ingredient that makes all the difference. It's ground cloves.

What's the matter with you people? Are you all nuts?

-All right, honey, that's enough.

-I will be right back.

-Have yourself a seat, Nick.

-My name is not Nick!

-Yeah, he does that too.

-And I will not have a seat.

-OK, well, I'm going to go help Mum with the egg nog.

Well...

Hey, look! Nick, have a seat. Come on.

Mum, I was wondering if I could be key master this year.

Really? Usually, you hate the idea of key master.

Being forcibly trapped for the holidays used to bother me

-but now I see the higher social purpose.

-Aha.

Are you sure you can handle Grandma?

-You know how she is. That's before she dips into the egg nog.

-She's 75 years old.

-Yes, but she's still freakishly strong.

-I think I can handle it.

I'm trusting you.

Hello!

Hello!

Is anyone out there?

Help.

Look, sir. I think I can clear up this situation and we can forget the whole thing ever happened.

-I just need to use the phone.

-No phones in the house.

What about a cellphone?

The key master's got all the cellphones.

Apparently, it interferes with our quality family time.

Oh, God. What are you going to do?!

The gang's all here.

-Hey!

-Hello, how did my kids get so good-looking?

-The most beautiful girl in the world.

-Merry Christmas.

I want to hear all about school. Hey, how are you stud?

It's good to see you. So glad you're here.

Gosh, you look stunning. Have you lost weight?

No, I cut out dairy, though.

-You look fantastic.

-Thanks, Mum.

-Hi.

-Mum, you have really made it look perfect and Christmassy.

Yes, some digs.

-Did you cash in Dad's 401k?

-Where's Jen? I thought she was coming.

-I told you she had to work.

I'm lucky I could take the time off.

-You work too hard.

-Well, markets don't stop when I'm not there, Ma.

Hey, numb nuts. Come here.

-Look at this hair. What is that?

-Stop it.

Jake, we have company. We'd like you to meet Trudie's boyfriend, Nick.

-Hey, nice to meet you.

-I'm not her boyfriend!

I met her today when she poked a musket in my ribs,

tied me up with furry handcuffs and drove me to wherever I am right now.

Furry handcuffs?! Now I'm embarrassed.

THEY LAUGH

He's... It's... Oh, it's a whole thing...

Come here. Look, Jake... Is it Jake?

You look like a reasonable person.

Listen to me, man. You may think your sister is normal, but she's not.

Believe me. She is a psychopath!

Tell me about it. Huh?

All right, I want egg nog.

Come on, Nick.

Merry Christmas. Come on.

OK, Nick, you'll be in here.

Mum, I am 27 years old, I'm going to sleep in the same room as my boyfriend. End of story.

OK, dear.

Yeah, you better get used to these bunk beds.

That's what you'll be sharing with your new jail buddies, Mad Dog and Roz.

Why don't you try and relax?

Make no mistake, freakshow, I WILL find a way out of here.

What's going to keep me going is the look on your twisted face as they haul you off to the slammer.

You might as well settle down because there's no way out of here.

As the key master, I have control of all the car keys

and cellphones which I've hidden well, if I say so myself.

You might as well get a good night's sleep

because we have a couple of big days ahead of us, shnookums.

(Be the keymaster. Be the keymaster.)

There's got to be a neighbour somewhere.

So, you've been walking for, what, about an hour?

Why don't you just come back to the house, we'll make some hot chocolate, OK?

No hot chocolate for you, then?

MOBILE BUZZES

-Hello?

-Hey, it's me. What happened to you yesterday?

You looked strange and then I turned around and you were gone.

-Are you OK?

-Yeah, I'm fine.

Well, not exactly fine.

I think I had a little bit of a nervous breakdown.

I didn't know they came in sizes.

Yeah, and I did something kind of crazy.

Hey! Good morning.

-Morning.

-Come on, sit down. I'll make you a special breakfast.

-It's not that big of a deal.

-Not that big of a deal?!

You have to let him go now.

What will you do after the holidays? You can't keep him. He's not a puppy.

I know. I haven't thought that far ahead, but I'll figure it out.

I hope you like eggs benedict and I hope you're hungry.

Fruit salad.

-There you go.

-Thank you.

You didn't sleep in those clothes, did you?

-I'm trying to tell you that...

-In all the chaos, we forgot his suitcase.

That's right. I left it at the diner.

I should call about that, bunny. Could I borrow your phone, please?

Sorry, I didn't bring my phone, sweet pea.

Yes, you did. It's in your...

Trudie!

You were supposed to put that away.

Right. Forgot.

I'll go get you something to wear while I wash your clothes.

Richard always brings a few things he thinks he'll be able to fit into if he loses ten pounds.

-Give me the phone.

-Come and get it.

-Give it!

-No!

-I ran track in high school.

-I played football and my nickname was Flash.

Ooh, scary.

You know, I was also really good at home ec.

Really, that's useful.

Right, it is because I was really good at making one dish.

-What's that?

-Beef tenderloin.

-Extra tender.

-Don't do it!

-Here you go, Nick.

-Thank you.

This sucks.

So the sheepdog says, "Sheepdog don't talk".

-Do you get it?

-No.

-Oh, nice look.

-Reaganomics!

NO!

I forgot the extra virgin olive oil.

How could that have happened?!

-I'd be happy to go to the store for you.

-No, Mum.

I should go. It'd be rude to send a guest.

It is a long drive.

No, really. It'd be my pleasure.

Nick, thank you so much but, you know what? Richard will drive, you go with him.

-Mum...

-Trudie, this is a good opportunity for the men to have some quality time together.

-Mum!

-Gertrude Marie.

Well, come on, Nick.

-Richard is driving.

-You go get the keys. Thank you.

HE HUMS

This should undo the damage.

I don't know what you were thinking.

Who perms their hair anymore?!

No offence, but this look says desperate.

Guys can tell when you're trying too hard.

-Are you dating anyone at law school, Katie?

-I'm dating a few guys.

Katie!

I didn't say I slept with them. I'm not a slut.

I know.

I want to know how Trudie hooked up with Nick. He is so hot.

Oh, I just gave him no choice.

-But to love me.

-Well, he is something. He's well-spoken, he's successful.

He's handsome. I think your father's taken a liking to him.

I'm sure they're bonding.

-Mister, you have to help me, I've been kidnapped!

-Let me guess.

By a sexy lady in a pink dress?

Yes, yes, you remember!

And she tied you up and blindfolded you?

Yes, that's right, that's right!

-And she spanks you and does naughty things.

-What are you doing?

That's disgusting.

Extra virgin olive oil.

What does that mean? Can you really be an extra virgin?

THEY LAUGH

That little woman at home loves to have everything lathered up in oil.

Not that I'm complaining.

That's the best thing about the holidays -

no guilt. Right, son?

KNOCK AT THE DOOR

Where in God's name are we?

I'm freezing my ta-tas off.

Merry Christmas to you too, Grandma.

Don't call me that.

All right. I'm not leaving until you help me.

I'm using that phone!

There's not going to be any trouble in my store, super freak.

Now, back that ass up nice and slow.

I'm going to turn the radio...

I'm busting out of here!

-Calm down, son.

-I just want to go home.

-I know.

Relationships can seem suffocating at times but, you know, it'll pass.

Don't you worry, this'll be our little secret.

-There it is.

-Don't take the pieces from my side.

-There's pieces missing.

-How did it go?

Everything's fine, honey.

Yeah, everything's fine.

TROUSERS TEAR

Oh, just like Paul Newman.

-Nice, firm...

-Grandma?!

Dolores Grant.

Nice to meet you.

Hey, dude, I've got some clothes you can borrow. Come on.

Whatever. Thanks, man.

I didn't like those pants anyway.

Here. Try those.

You have a phone?

Yes. Keep it to yourself.

You know how my mum is about phones at Christmas.

I need to make a call. Could I borrow it for a minute?

-Sure.

-Thanks.

SHE KNOCKS

-I'll be out in a minute.

-Let's go, in there, sunshine.

'Hi, you've reached Jessica's voicemail.'

Damn it!

PHONE RINGS

Maria.

Hello?

Mrs Barber? It's David.

Hello, darling. Merry Christmas.

I was looking for Jessica, but I don't have time for that. Listen, I've been taken hostage.

Maria, I can't reach my drink.

-Mrs Barber, are you there?

-Let me get Jessica for you, darling. Jessica!

-No, Mrs Barber, wait!

-Maria. Maria.

Aah!

Oh, no, Mrs Barber. Not again.

Hey, where's Nick?

-He's on the phone.

-Phone?! What phone?

My phone.

Oh, man!

-Hello?

-Jessica.

Who's this?

It's David. I've got something important to tell you.

Really? Because you said you had something important

to say yesterday and then you stood me up.

Is my boyfriend in there?

-Daisy May has been in there primping for 10 minutes.

-Open this door.

-'I skipped my Gamma Pi Delta alumni luncheon to meet you.'

-Jessica, please listen to me.

And I am sure that Betsy Palmer jumped at the chance to campaign for my spot as social chair.

Open this door!

I was on Broadway once.

Hey!

I was kidnapped from the restaurant yesterday by a waitress.

She's about 5'2", she's got crazy hair and crazy eyes.

If this is your way of getting out of Christmas Eve with my parents...

Listen to me, I'm a couple of hours outside the city.

North, I think. It's a log cabin.

Six plus four, rustic charm.

-Are you drunk?!

-Please, sweetheart. I love you.

The important thing yesterday,

-I was going to propose.

-Propose?

Go to the police and tell them what's happened.

Jessica, are you there?

-Oh, you're serious.

-Yes.

I have to go.

Did you talk to someone on the phone?

-Nope. Couldn't get any reception in the bathroom.

-I don't believe you.

You talked to someone.

OK, you're right, I did, and it's only a matter of time now until I'm broken out of this asylum.

But I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

Until that time, I've decided I'm going to help you.

I'm going to be the best boyfriend ever and your parents are going to fall in love with me.

Why would you do that?

Because it's going to be more satisfying for me when your family learns the truth about you.

You have to swing your hips in conjunction with your shoulders.

If you watch Tiger, it's all connected.

One fluid motion. There you go.

Playing through.

OK, so, what is it that you do, Nick?

-I work for a real estate development company.

-Really? Which one?

-Barber and Partners.

Barber and Partners is a good company. My firm did some legal work for you on the Pinehurst condos.

-OK.

-What do you do there?

-I'm the Vice-President of New Business.

There was a time we thought that Trudie,

with all her causes, might go to law school like her sister, Kate.

Being a Democrat is not a cause, Dad.

But, she got her degree in liberal arts.

-Fine arts.

-I don't even know what that means.

It's an expensive way to say, "Do you want fries with that?"

-Home-made ornaments.

-Trudie made that one when she was five.

She was a little withdrawn as a child.

-OK, Mum.

-You know, her brother and sister were so out-going and had so many friends, but Trudie was...

I don't know, a little anti-social.

-Really?

-We even paid a little boy down the street to be her friend, but he gave us our money back.

-All right!

-So from then on, it was Trudie and her projects and of course Bo Bo Blonkers.

-Bo Bo Blonkers?

-Her imaginary friend.

-Thanks, Mum. Thanks a lot.

-What was that?

Are you talking to Bo Bo Blonkers now?

I have an idea, why don't we let Nick put the angel on top of the tree this year.

Mum, I've been doing it since I was four years old.

Remember when Dad used to hold me up to the top of the tree and I was so cute up there?

I know, honey, don't be selfish.

Dad, it's my thing, this is my moment, it's tradition, doesn't anybody care about that any more?

Trudie, what's wrong with starting a new tradition?

Nick, up the tree.

Thank you.

There she is.

Nick! Nick! Come on!

THEY SHOUT

This is really a great place.

You know there is an incredible craftsmanship that goes into a cabin like this.

I'd say this is Adirondack-style with a contemporary twist.

-Yes, in the Adirondacks, I starred in a revival of Medea.

-Yes we know that, Mother.

You don't need to shout, dear. I'm not deaf.

Nick, would you like another piece of pie?

Sure.

Trudie, would you get another piece of pie, please?

He knows where the kitchen is.

Are you trying to ruin Christmas?

Thank you, bunnykins.

Nick, every Christmas Eve, we read 'Twas a Night Before Christmas

and I was wondering if maybe you would like to do the honours?

Really? Oh, wow.

OK.

That's it, I've had enough.

Whoa!

I'm going to... Yeah.

Smart.

-What's the matter with you?

-What's the matter with me?!

They're fawning over you like the last piece of flaming yarn.

Isn't that the whole point of all of this?

-Yes, but...

-But what?

My family likes you more than they like me.

I didn't even want to read the stupid story.

So don't read the story, I don't care if you read the story.

Well, then, fine, I'm going to read the story.

-Fine.

-Fine.

Love mince pie.

Is everything OK?

Yes. It's fine, Mum.

OK, here we go.

"Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house,

"not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

"The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, in hopes that Saint Nicholas soon would be there.

"The children were nestled all snug in their beds, while visions of sugar plums danced in their heads..."

Mum, we don't have to leave Oreos and milk for Santa this year.

What if Santa's hungry?

Will you put that away?

Mum, we're adults, we don't have to write letters.

How is Santa going to know what you want?

-Good night.

-Good night.

-You can't eat those.

-What is it going to look like if Santa doesn't eat his cookies?

-Figures you're a dunker.

-Of course, what are you - a twister?

That's so wrong in so many ways.

All right, let's get this over with. This is so dumb.

I hope you're not expecting much from Santa.

A federal offence probably puts you on the naughty list this year.

Laugh it up, you've got to do one too.

This may take a while.

I'm going to ask for a new fully-loaded SUV.

Hmm, interesting. I'm going to ask for an end to global warming.

-What, you think my list is superficial?

-Let me see it.

-No!

You want a pasta machine?!

-I like to cook.

-Don't you want something more meaningful?

I have everything I want - great job, beautiful girlfriend.

Let me see yours.

"Tiki lights, Chinese teapot...

"stop disappointing my parents."

Come on, I'm sure that's not true.

Believe me, it's true.

Look, your parents are good people, they love you.

I just wish for once, they'd look at me...

you know, the way they look at you.

-They do.

-They don't.

The best Christmas I ever had, I was ten.

I was taking figure-skating lessons and I was at this big recital on Christmas Eve.

There was this huge snowstorm and they cancelled it.

I was SO upset.

But our house had this patio on the back, my dad shovelled it, ran the hose over it and made ice.

My mum put lights in all of the trees in the backyard.

The glow was so beautiful.

It was so quiet.

That Christmas Eve, I skated my little routine with my parents watching.

It was like I was the only person in the whole world.

They were so proud of me.

Somewhere along the way, things changed,

and I wish they still felt that way about me.

You know, I think parents want the best for their kids,

but sometimes they don't know what that is.

We should probably hide the evidence.

Hello?

Hello?

CHATTING

Excuse me, there's a concerned citizen here who needs help from her civil servants.

Yoo-hoo! HEY!

CHATTING STOPS

Somebody better pay attention to me.

Let me guess, domestic disturbance?

No, thank you very much.

I'm here to report a kidnapping.

-Merry Christmas.

-Mother, isn't it a little early?

Early for who, sugar britches?! I have to spend another entire day trapped with you yahoos.

Mamma's going to need a little help.

OK, everybody, here's the schedule for today.

Jake and Katie, you'll be on kitchen duty with me, Richard, you are chopping firewood, Mother...

Do whatever you want. Trudie, you and Nick go out and have some fun. I've left warm jackets by the door.

Presents are at four, dinner will be at seven.

That's it.

You know, about last night, I didn't mean to get personal...

What?

Oh, my God, never mind.

What?

It's great, you're checking out my sister.

Why wouldn't you be? Of course you are. She's gorgeous and graceful.

Your sister is very limber.

-You're jealous.

-Am not.

-Are too.

-Am not!

-Are too.

-Do rich kids even play hockey?

-I played my fair share.

I've been playing with my brother since I could walk. Let's go.

I'm OK, I'm OK.

-You sure you want to do this?

-Yes, come on.

Sorry. I give it to you.

-Pretty scrappy.

-I think you've had enough for now.

-So what you do for fun?

-For fun?

What are you interested in?

-I paint.

-Really?

What kind of things?

Portraits, mostly.

Post-impressionist stuff, the focus on colour over line.

I know what post-impressionism is. Like Cezanne or more like Alice Neel?

I love Alice Neel. You know Alice Neel?

You shouldn't jump to conclusions about people.

So what you do, besides build cookie cutter condominiums for the masses?

I didn't start out to do that. I actually study architecture.

For a while there, I thought I was going to go out to my own.

Why didn't you?

It is risky and there is no money in it unless you're established.

Wouldn't your parents have helped you get started?

They would have if they had two nickels to rub together.

They were both school teachers.

They died in a car accident when I was nine.

Oh...I'm so sorry.

You said you grew up well off.

No, you did. I lived with my grandfather in a one-bedroomed apartment until I was 18.

I worked my way through college mowing lawns for the city.

That must have been tough.

It actually helped me in certain ways.

I learnt at an early age that we are all on our own.

-Would you go, please?

-Don't rush me.

Oh, for the love of God!

Ha!

Ha! That's too bad. Making a move like that must be killing you.

-Hey!

-Why are you hitting yourself? Seriously, what are you doing?

I'm starting to worry about you. You have to stop that.

-Give it back, I didn't mean to do that.

-But you did it, it's done.

-It was a mistake.

-You can't take something back once it's done.

Even if you realised right away it was wrong and you're sorry?

Fine.

But know that you are a cheater.

Such a cheater.

I'm going to get some milk for these.

Oh...! Oh...!

-We're not into public displays of affection.

-Right.

Come on, don't be such a prude.

Sorry, you have no choice. It's mistletoe.

SHE HUMS THE WEDDING MARCH

Mum! I'll get the milk.

This is it - the scene of the crime. Are you going to draw your guns?

Merry Christmas, welcome to Taj's Diner Deluxe.

We have a delicious ho, ho, ho, hot dog special today.

We're not here to eat. We're here because my boyfriend was kidnapped by one of your waitresses yesterday.

Female, 5' 2", crazy hair, crazy eyes.

-You know anyone who fits that description?

-Apparently, he was taken at gunpoint.

Do you know where she may have gotten a gun?

No, no, I don't know. I don't know anything.

Mum, isn't it time for presents?

-Is it?

-It's 4pm.

-What are you doing?

-I'm folding your father's jockey shorts.

Sometimes I have dreams that hundreds of pairs of underwear envelope me.

Do you have dreams like that?

No. Mum, are you OK?

Do you know your father is the only man I have slept with?

Have you slept with more than one man?

-No!

-Of course you have, it's the way of the modern world.

You boink a whole lot of different people. You don't just pick one and hope for the best.

I'm pretty sure it is time for presents.

Oh, honey, you're right. OK, let's go, go, go.

Nick, it's time for presents!

Grandma.

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

-Have you noticed anything strange about Mum?

-Like, more than usual?

Yeah. I don't know, I just had a weird conversation with her.

I think she might not be so happy with Dad.

What?! That's crazy.

-She used the word, "Boink."

-Ow!

Nick, for you.

-Thank you.

-Trudie, for you.

-Can I...?

-It's a back scrubber!

-Wow!

-Exfoliation is the key to good skin.

-Cool.

-Wow, good job, Mum.

-Thank you.

-It just lights up your face.

-Pink.

Smile. Oh, beautiful.

Right.

-Gotta look the part. Greed is good!

-Wow.

-Your dad found that. It lists every law firm in America.

-OK.

You're always saying you don't have enough underwear.

Gosh, this is really heavy!

Oh, great for tightening screws.

I picked that out.

Oh, Trudie. One more gift, it's for you.

Well, we just thought that...

-Yeah.

-Hey, look. Trudie, I don't know what happened the other day with Mr Portnoy, but...

-I think it's time to get your head out of the clouds.

-What do you mean?

You need to grow up and get focused on a legitimate career.

You're unsettled, you're unfocused.

-You need to find something to do really well.

-I have, I do.

Painting is the only thing I care about - the only thing that makes me feel like me.

That's nothing to do with what I'm talking about.

You can paint or draw, or COLOUR in your spare time.

I'm talking about your life, here.

-So am I!

-Don't you want to do something with your life?

-Yes, but...

-Honey, we just... We were just trying to help.

Mr Chandler, if you don't mind me saying, sir...

I've seen Trudie's paintings and, well, they're raw and expressive.

Complex and...

a little strange...

..but really beautiful.

And...I've one more gift for her.

Gertrude Chandler...

..will you marry me?

Yes.

Oh, my!

Oh, my gosh! This is the best Christmas present you could ever give me.

I'm so excited.

-I can't wait to start planning the wedding!

-Son!

-Congratulations.

OK, next on the agenda is dinner in three hours.

-SHE LAUGHS

-I'm sorry!

So, everybody just get changed and do whatever and we'll meet back in the dining room at seven o'clock.

That's it!

I don't...

That was...something.

I figured we may as well give them all the bells and whistles.

-At least for a couple more hours.

-Thank you.

I assume you made up the part about the paintings?

I saw your album. It was sticking out of your purse.

Oh, you were looking in my bag? Well, the keys aren't there.

No, it was an accident. Relax.

-So, do you just carry an engagement ring in your pocket all the time?

-Yeah.

Right.

Well, I just want to say, I'm sorry about everything.

To tell you the truth...

it hasn't been that bad.

If you can just hang in there through Christmas dinner,

I promise I'll take you wherever you want to go tomorrow.

-Hey, Mum, can I help you with anything?

-Oh, yes.

You can bundle up take out the garbage, thank you very much, honey.

Hey! What are you doing out here?

-I'm just enjoying a little down time.

-Well...

that sounds good to me.

-Hey, want one?

-Yeah.

So, you're engaged. Man!

-I'm so happy for you, Trudie.

-Thank you.

-You know...

-I really hope that happens for me, someday.

What do you mean? It's happened for you, Jen is great.

Yeah, about that. Um...

Jen and I broke up six months ago.

-Shut up!

-And I've started seeing someone else.

Shut up!

And HIS name is Ryan.

Oh, my gosh!

Well, you know...

..I think, maybe I knew.

-Yeah, I knew.

-What?

You didn't know. Come on, I didn't even know!

-I kind of knew, but...

-Does anyone else know?

I thought I'd tell everyone at dinner.

Are you out of your mind?!

Dolores!

What are you doing?

I'm going back to the city to get a decent steak and a cognac.

You can't drive. Give me the keys.

You want to come along for the ride, rosebud?

-Come on, let's blow this rinky-dink log cabin.

-Dolores!

HE SCREAMS

CAR CRASHES

-Oh, my God!

-Grams?

Oh, my God. Are you OK, Grandma?

Don't touch me, and don't call me that!

-Are you all right?

-Yeah.

-What happened to not trying to escape anymore?

-I was just trying to make sure she didn't hurt herself.

Well, I'm glad you're OK.

I swear to God, Mary had better be giving birth to baby Jesus outside... Oh, just as good.

-Police officers.

-Come on, Mrs Claus, it's time for Stevie-weevie to open another...

Cut it out, Steve!

What can I do for you?

The owner said that you were her best friend.

I don't know where they went. She just took off.

You know, when we catch her, you'll be put away too.

For accessory to kidnap and obstructing justice.

It's not her fault. It's men.

They drive women crazy.

-Oh, I'm sorry.

-It's OK.

I, um, just needed the, uh...

..toothpaste.

Here you go.

Do you need to take a shower?

No, I'll wait until you're dry.

Dressed! Done.

Phew! OK.

Well, I should probably go now.

Probably.

HE KNOCKS

I didn't mean to scare you off back there.

You didn't scare me off.

You look great.

So do you.

Come on, I want to show you something.

I'm not giving you a rematch right now.

Hold on just one sec.

OK, put these on, please.

-It's almost dinner time, and I'm in a dress, you moron.

-Please, shut up.

-Shut up?

-Just put these on.

Right.

Whoa.

Oh, my gosh.

I can't believe you did all this.

It's beautiful.

-Thank you.

-You're welcome.

-But, you owe me something in return.

-What?

-A show.

-No way.

Come on, I want to see this infamous routine.

Really?

OK, but if you laugh...

Here you go. Warm bread.

-Your tie's crooked.

-You tied it!

It's still crooked.

Oh!

Mum! Aren't you going to make your annual toast?

I'm hungry, let's just eat.

Um, excuse me...

I've something I think I should share with everyone.

Actually, I've something I'd like to say first.

It's about school.

Oh?

I'm not going to law school.

What did you say?

It's just not for me.

I dropped out last semester.

Last semester?!

What have you been doing with all the tuition that I've been sending?

I used it as a down payment.

Down payment? On what?

-On a pilates studio in California.

-Pilates?

I don't know what that is. Could somebody translate that?

Dad, it's great.

It's a type of exercise mixing ballet techniques with yoga, used to stretch the muscles.

Moving to the land of fruits and nuts, going to lay around all day and stretch.

LAUGHTER

I think it's very creative.

Kudos, Katie.

-Thanks, Mum.

-What are you talking about?

Our daughter has just made a fool out of us.

Yeah, you did put one over on us, didn't you?

You're not dropping out of school, no.

I'll tell you what's going to happen.

You'll get the money back and re-enrol.

Lighten up, dick.

Everyone, I, uh...

I want to say something too.

I'm gay.

Oh, honey, I know.

For God's sake, Catherine, what's wrong with you?!

What's wrong with me?

Let me think. Um, I hate the way you moan when you chew your food.

What are you talking about?

Mmm, mmm, mmm. It's disgusting, it makes me want to throw up.

And also, I hate that we never talk about anything important!

Many that's because we all live in your world, Catherine,

a world where nobody can say anything honest because it might be upsetting!

You are the puppet-master and I'm your little clown. Boom.

Stop it! God, you two, what are you guys doing?

You think I'M controlling?! You're the ass who's forcing your children

to become mini versions of yourself.

This isn't my world, because if this was MY world, I wouldn't have

-to picture Clint Eastwood just to get through our annual birthday sex!

-Oh!

Aren't you glad you're gay?

Everybody freeze!

-Calm down, everybody. Just relax.

-Wait. What is going on?

We believe that woman is guilty of kidnapping.

-That can't be, that's absurd.

-Kidnapping? Who?

David Martin.

Who's David Martin?

No, that's her boyfriend, Nick.

No, Mum. It's not.

I'm not her boyfriend.

This is getting weird.

I don't know who brought home the bacon, but I'm going to fry it up in a pan.

Mother, no!

Somebody has to protect this family, and it looks like it's me.

-Put the gun down.

-Is she having a Civil War flashback?

-She's had too much egg nog.

Um, she's an actress, and the gun is probably just a prop.

-You take the big one.

-Dolores...

Oh.

Oh. I...

I was on Broadway once.

I know.

Merry Christmas.

Mum...

Kidnapping?

-Kidnapping?!

-Mum, look at me.

Where did I go wrong?

-Was I not a good mother?

-Yeah, of course you were.

-This is not your fault.

-I don't want to talk about it.

-Dad...

-Not now, Trudie.

Poor schmuck didn't press charges.

-You're free to go.

-Thank God.

Bye.

-Mmm?

-Not you, Grambo.

Why, officer...

what did you have in mind?

One change purse.

-One can opener/kitchen.

-Comes in handier than you think.

One... Holy crap, look at that rock!

Girl, you hold on to that man.

Yeah.

-Hi.

-Hi.

Just wanted to say thanks for...

not pressing charges.

I can't say I ever imagined saying that in a sentence.

-Is everyone OK?

-Yeah, they're fine.

They're not too happy with me right now.

I really did it this time.

I wanted to give this back to you.

Thanks.

Listen, um, this whole situation's sort of confusing.

But I wanted to say...

David, let's get out of here, honey.

Uh, give me one minute, OK?

Who's this?

Is this her?

-You have some nerve.

-Look, I wanted to apologise again to both of you.

Save it.

You and your band of hooligans would still be in jail if it were up to me.

Let's go.

-I, uh...

-David!

-Take care of yourself.

-Yeah, you too.

Are you sure you don't want your old job back?

-You want lunch?

-Sure.

-Here.

-What about Taj?

Ah, please! He's a softie under all that bluster.

Besides, we've reached a new stage in our relationship.

-Oh, what's that?

-Partners.

-That's great!

-Thank you. Yeah.

So, how's the real job search going?

Oh, not so great. Apparently, I have no "real" skills.

-Mm-hmm.

-I don't know, my parents are right. I have to be realistic.

I can't just wish for something that's never going to happen.

There is no perfect job, perfect family, perfect guy.

-So you haven't heard from him, then?

-No. That's what I'm talking about.

I can't believe I thought I had feelings for some guy I kidnapped.

What did I think was going to happen?

-I like the nuptial script.

-All right, done.

Where is Maria with the next dress?

Maria! We have three more dresses to go, where are you?

Do you like that font? David!

Font.

I'm sorry, I...

I need some air.

Hey.

-Hey.

-Can be a bit overwhelming in there.

-You don't say(!)

-Are you all right?

-Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine.

Well, we need you inside.

OK.

Jess, um, do you, uh...

ever have any doubts about us?

What?

Well, it's just that you could be with any number of guys. Why me?

Because we make sense.

And we're going to lead a life that most people dream of.

All right? You and I are going to have a fairy tale wedding, and a fairy tale life.

-Maria!

-I hate my life.

MOBILE RINGS

-Hello?

-Trud, hey, it's me.

-Hey.

-How's it going?

-I've been better.

Did you talk to Mum and Dad yet?

No, I've been avoiding them.

Trud, you should call them.

-Oh, my God, Jake.

-I'm just saying, you know, be the bigger person.

No, no, no, I've been accepted into a show at Gallery 717.

-Wow, that's great.

-It's a new artists' exhibit, they want a piece from me!

Trud, that's fantastic! When is it?

A week from Saturday. Will you come with me, please?

Yes, of course I will. Are you going to tell Mum and Dad?

No, I don't want to fight with them.

I just want this to be my night, you know?

-Trud.

-I'm so happy you're here!

-I wouldn't miss it for the world.

-So, um, this is Ryan.

-Hi.

-Jake, you didn't do her justice.

-It's so nice to finally meet you. I'm a little nervous.

I don't know what people are saying about the piece. Go over and eavesdrop for me?

OK. OK, but listen...

-um, there is one other thing.

-What?

Now, don't freak out, but I, uh, I brought a few more people with me.

I told you I didn't want them here!

I don't have time to do this tonight, OK?

Just for one night, I don't want to feel like the black sheep, the wrong one, OK?

OK. We hear you.

-What?

-Your father and I have found that keeping open lines of honest

communication is the way to restore a healthy relationship.

-What?

-They've been in therapy.

It really is working.

So, what else, honey?

Just let it out.

I'm tired of trying to live up to your ideals, you know?

And I won't live my life to please you.

Sometimes I feel like you have no idea who I am.

-Mm-hmm.

-I'm a slob.

Sometimes if I leave in a dish in the sink too long, I throw it away instead of washing it.

And, Mum, I hate pink, I hate it.

I don't want a job in computer sales, Dad. I'm an artist. That's who I am.

And I love you guys, but if you make me choose between me and you, I choose me.

OK.

OK?

Yes. OK. We hear you.

OK.

We worry about you, kiddo.

We don't want you to get hurt. We want you to be safe.

If I could, I'd have you live inside a plastic bubble, but I was told that's a little too impractical.

Now, we never meant to make you feel weird or wrong.

We love you.

Whatever you want, that's what we want for you.

-Thanks, Dad.

-Come here.

-I love you so much.

-I love you too, Mum.

I love your paintings. I love...

The compositions are amazing.

It's great to meet you.

Are you OK, sweetheart?

-Someone bought it.

-I know.

It's wonderful.

What's the matter?

Just feels different than I thought it would.

Oh, how?

I don't know. It's...

Nick?

No, not Nick. Well, maybe. Well, no. I mean, it's not Nick. It's David.

-Stupid is what it is.

-It's not stupid.

If there's one thing I know, it's the corrosive nature of silence.

It leads to regret, and it'll eat away at you bit by bit.

Look at your dad and me. It's never too late.

Actually, it is.

He got married today.

Cheers.

Hey, hey!

Just so you know, I have a black belt and my hands are considered lethal weapons.

-Ooh, scary!

-David?

-What's going on here?

-Pay back.

-It's a bitch.

-Aren't you supposed to be on your honeymoon or something?

OK, how about I take that blindfold off now?

-How would that be?

-Wow!

Where are we?

Trudie, you are...

..unorganised and pushy and crazy.

And I'm working on those things and if you'll just listen to me...

-And you talk too much.

-OK.

I lost a lot because of you.

But I've realised that I don't want any of those things.

Wait...you don't?

Everything I want is right here.

Martin Art and Architecture.

A gallery and studio.

Wow!

-It's amazing.

-And I've just acquired my first piece.

I don't know what to say.

That's a first.

I've spent my entire life striving for things that I didn't even want,

because I thought that's what I was supposed to do.

I thought I had something to prove.

But I don't have to prove anything to anyone any more.

You don't?

Well, maybe one more thing.

Can you take these off me now?

'There may be no such thing as a perfect job, a perfect family or a perfect life.

'But there is such a thing as a perfect moment.

'So I take back what I said.

'Doing one crazy thing probably does make you crazy,

'but it can also make you happy.'

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