It's a Boy Girl Thing


It's a Boy Girl Thing

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GIRL: Give me my Romeo And, when he shall die,

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Take him and cut him out into little stars

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And he will make the face of heaven so fine

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That all the world will be in love with the night

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(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS)

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And... (CLEARS THROAT) ..will make the face of heaven so fine

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(MUSIC CONTINUES)

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That all the world will be in love with...

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Ugh!

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SONG: # Shake ya ass Show me what you... #

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That all the world will be in love with the night

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Pay no worship to the garish sun...

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# I came here with my dick in my hand... #

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Excuse me!

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# Be cool

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# And don't worry 'bout how I'm rippin'... #

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Excuse me!

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# When I'm flippin' what I'm kickin'... #

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-Excuse me! (SIGHS IN EXASPERATION)

-BOY: What?

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Will you turn that down?

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-Sorry. I can't hear you.

-Turn the noise down.

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(SIGHS) I'm sorry. Did you you say something?

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I'm trying to study but it isn't possible with that racket going on.

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That's not a racket. That's Mystikal.

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Whatever it is, will you please switch it off?

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-What's it worth?

-Oh, the gratitude of a music lover.

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-Hmm. Alright. I'll turn it off.

-Thank you.

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-If you flash me.

-What?

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You show me the girls, I lower the bells.

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-You are pig slime.

-(LAUGHS)

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Anyway, I seen 'em before.

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What?!

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You have not.

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(SCREAMS)

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-(GASPS)

-(LAUGHS)

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-(SQUEALS)

-Have now! Ha-haa!

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-(MIAOWS)

-Good morning, Mr Fluffy.

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-WOMAN: Woody, are you up yet?

-Oh, yeah.

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Mmm. Morning, Daddy.

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I have some mail for you, princess. Mwah.

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It's from Yale. Oh, my...

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I have an interview next week.

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I applied for early action for you, honey.

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My precious little girl going to Yale!

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Well, I'll have to get through the interview first, Mother.

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-You won't let us down. Never have.

-Never has.

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-Mmm. Isn't it exciting, Ted?

-It's very exciting, Katherine.

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-Are you excited, Nell?

-I am, Mother.

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-She is.

-I'm so excited, I could burst.

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I could 'yale' it from the rooftops!

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(LAUGHS)

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Thank you, Mother. Mwah!

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-Shit!

-(LOUD MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO)

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-Everything OK back there, darlin'?

-No problem, honey.

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I'm just searing off a couple of fingerprints.

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Carry on, my good woman.

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The big game's coming up soon, huh, son?

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Yep.

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Coach said all the big college scouts are gonna be at the game.

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-Yeah. I know.

-Speciality of the house.

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I call it 'eggs what-the-heck'.

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So much of fine cuisine's down to presentation, don't you think, son?

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-Oh, yeah. Absolutely.

-Wouldn't that be something?

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You'd be the first member of my family to go to college.

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He'd be the first member of your family to go to frigging school!

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(LAUGHS) That's true.

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But, son, if things don't work out,

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there'll always be a job for you with Stan the man

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at Spatula World.

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(BREATHES DEEPLY)

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NELL: To me, the greatest living American

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should have individual accomplishments

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but also have a lasting influence on America and/or the world.

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And that is why, after careful consideration, my...

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-GIRL: Hey, Nell! Nell!

-(JEERING, LAUGHTER)

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(HONKS HORN) Yo!

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-(NEIGHS) Wassup, boy?

-Hey, Horse.

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(NEIGHS)

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Oh, nice grab, Horse. How's it hanging?

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To the floor, my friend.

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Now, what's say we shift this baby into warp drive, huh?

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Want you to feel the wind

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blowin' through the hair on your fine muscular ass.

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-(SNIFFS) Eugh!

-Eugh!

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-Hit it, please.

-(LAUGHS)

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-(EMINEM'S 'WITHOUT ME' PLAYS)

-Oh!

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OK.

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EMINEM: (RAPS) # Now, this looks like a job for me

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# So everybody just follow me

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# 'Cause we need a little controversy

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# 'Cause it feels so empty without me

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# I said this looks like a job for me so everybody just follow me

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# 'Cause we need a little controversy

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# 'Cause it feels so empty without me... #

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Well, lookie here!

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Is this not a pencilneck virgin girl I see before me?

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I do believe it is.

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She's standing dangerously close to a vast pool of water.

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For a smart girl, that ain't so smart.

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-Uh-uh.

-(LAUGHS)

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-Whoo-hoo-hoo!

-(HONKS HORN)

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Whoa!

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(SHRIEKS)

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-(BOYS LAUGH)

-Oh. Oh.

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(BOTH LAUGH)

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-Whoo-hoo! Whoo!

-(HONKS HORN)

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Cool. Thank you.

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Looks like she rushed it.

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NELL: OK. Just keep walking. No-one will notice.

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(LAUGHS) Who wants cotton candy?

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(LAUGHTER)

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Hey, Nell, I love what you've done with your hair.

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Thanks, Glixen.

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-Hey, watch it! Asshole!

-(LAUGHS)

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-Harry, Harry.

-What's up, baby?

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Whoa! There are people around.

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(LAUGHS) Nice look!

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Mmm.

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Oh, it's special-needs boy and his muse, the lovely Chlamydia.

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My name is Breanna, you geek.

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By the way, sorry about this morning.

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That pothole just... Phhh! ..drove right up in front of us.

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Oh, that's OK. Please don't apologise. I understand.

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-Oh?

-Uh-huh.

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But chew on this -

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while archetypal outsiders, such as myself,

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rarely fit comfortably into high school environments,

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this is as good as your life will get.

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The big football star and his vacuous cheerleader girlfriend...

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HEAD cheerleader.

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Because, let's face it,

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the old grey matter ain't exactly top-range, now, is it, Woodster?

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So you'll end up with a job in Spatula World with your dad,

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and probably marry Breanna here

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but soon you'll start drinking

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to numb this aching feeling you have inside

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and you fast-forward a few years

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and you're a drunk, fat, depressed guy at a bar

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talking about the good old days,

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while your little wife - whose looks, incidentally, have gone to doo-doo -

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is propping up her own self-esteem

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by indulging in squalid sexual encounters with your friends

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behind your back.

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(BELL RINGS)

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-What friends?

-I'm guessing most of them.

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Have a good day.

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WOMAN: Class, please turn to page 488,

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paragraph marked 'Early History', which reads,

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"Combined with the study of mankind in all its aspects,

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"especially human culture,

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"we are therefore examining that society

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"through the exploration of classical structure."

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Please make sure to reference all your source material.

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That includes the Internet. OK?

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Oh, er, Miss Bidermeyer...

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That's OK now, but you might want to omit that page

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from your reference list.

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Now, Mr Zbornak will be taking your field trip this week...

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Are you... That's quite a, um...

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BREANNA: I tried on the most amazing dress for the dance.

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Think Beyonce's wow factor

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meets Gwen Stefani's off-kilter individuality,

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with just a sprinkling of designer-slut Aguilera.

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The whole thing's very Madonna.

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Before she got old, naturally.

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Sounds hot.

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Now, I think Armani would be good for you -

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stylish yet understated,

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so you'll look good but you don't distract attention from me.

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Mr Deane? If it's not too much trouble...?

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OK! Just a minute!

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'Bye.

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-Mmm!

-Mmm!

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Now, take a look at this odd-looking fella. Hmm?!

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Tezcatlipoca, the ancient Aztec god of sorcery,

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associated with the notion of destiny.

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Now, Tez here has got an interesting resume.

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He was the god of night, lord of the smoking mirror,

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a shape-shifter,

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a powerful SOB.

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Mr Deane.

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Do you think I might have your attention?

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Or does Mr Horson have something particularly interesting to say?

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I'm betting on...unlikely.

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OK, time is short, people.

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Er, I want you to pair off and take in the rest yourselves.

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Remember, research, analyse and...

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ALL: Describe.

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Very nice.

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Mr Deane and Mr Horson, I don't think so.

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Um, Mr Horson, you go with Mr Glixen.

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Mr Deane, you go with Miss Bedworth.

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Let's get your learn on.

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So, you check out any good porno sites lately?

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I cannot believe I am stuck with you.

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Just hope I don't breathe any retard germs.

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Well, let's hope I don't get any pencilneck virgin disease.

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Get stuffed!

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-Whoa!

-I hate you!

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Because you secretly wanna have sex with me.

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Ha! When I do decide to surrender the flower of my womanhood,

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I had always imagined it being with someone of my own species.

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There is no-one else in your own species, except maybe Glixen.

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You're such a moron.

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You really think

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the world revolves around rap music,

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football and hanging out with the right crowd?

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You make me sick. You think you're so different to everyone else.

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-Different FROM.

-What?

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You said 'different TO'.

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The correct phraseology is 'different FROM'.

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Thanks for that information.

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Now I can say you're no different FROM any other geek

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with books instead of friends

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and you won't have to open your big fat mouth to correct me.

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-Neanderthal!

-Spaz.

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-Toad.

-Skank.

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I should pity you but I can't. I hate you too much.

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I'd rather cut off my legs with a rusty knife

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than be anything like you!

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Ditto.

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-'Ditto'?

-Ditto.

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Double ditto.

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Double double ditto times a thousand gazillion trillion.

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(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)

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(SINGS) # I like big butts and I cannot lie

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# You other brothers can't deny

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# When a girl walks in with an itty-bitty waist

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# And a round thing in your face You get sprung

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# Wanna pull up quick 'cause you notice that butt was stuffed... #

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(READS) "..and forevermore shall find her destiny

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"to live alone no more."

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(SIGHS)

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(MIAOWS)

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-Goodnight, Mr Fluffy.

-(PURRS)

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(CLICKS TONGUE)

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(WHIMPERS)

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Hmm.

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Hmmm!

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-(GRUNTS)

-(WHIMPERS)

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-(ALARM BLARES)

-(GASPS)

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(GASPS)

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Oh, God, my head.

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Oh, must be dreaming.

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Time to wake up.

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What was that?

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Oh!

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Tits! Oh, my God. I have tits!

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Two tits!

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I guess it's the regular number of tits, but for a guy...

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What's going on here?

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Oh, my God! It's gone.

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It's gone! Oh!

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OK, this looks bad.

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If it's gone and I have tits, that means...

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(WHIMPERS)

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Oh, this must be a dream.

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A very, very bad 'now I have tits' kind of dream.

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(WHIMPERS)

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Ohhh!

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Argh!

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Ahhh! What is this?

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Oh!

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This isn't my room.

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Oh!

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(BOTH SCREAM)

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We need to talk.

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Talk? She wants to talk?

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Alright, let's talk about why I'm going through a drawer

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full of underwear with the days of the friggin' week on them!

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Oh, God!

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OK. Yippee.

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Now my pubes know it's Wednesday.

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Oh, gross. (WHIMPERS) Oh!

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It's tough enough getting these damn things OFF. Argh!

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How the hell does anyone know how to get these friggin' things on?

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Ladies, looks like you and me's going au naturale. Hmm!

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Go away.

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Go away, go away, go away.

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Alright, coast is clear.

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-(GROWLS AND HISSES)

-(GASPS)

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Get... Get...

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-(HISSES)

-Get off me!

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-Good morning!

-Oh!

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-Oh!

-Nell, is everything OK?

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Mm-hm. I just, er, didn't see you there.

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Your oatmeal's on the table.

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Er, not hungry. Gotta go.

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Nonsense! Now, you sit down and have some breakfast.

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It's the most important meal of the day.

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And oatmeal is wonderful for promoting

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healthy and regular bowel movements.

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That's cool. I already took a dump, like, the size of my own head.

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-Excuse me?

-Oatmeal's good, Mommy.

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(ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO)

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Is this meat?

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-Do you have oatmeal?

-Are you shitting me?

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(CRUNCHES) Hmm, hmm!

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Red meat is good. Eat up, son.

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Go on.

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Hmm... (GAGS)

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Jesus! People eat puke!

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Ahh!

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Golly. You must've been hungry.

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-You need a second helping.

-No!

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You wait there, young lady.

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(TOOTS HORN)

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(NEIGHS)

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(CHUCKLES) Let's go, pretty boy.

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Let's go!

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It'll turn you into a big strong girl.

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(BURPS) I'm alright.

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-See you later.

-Nell?

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-Mm-hm?

-Aren't you forgetting something?

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Oh, holy crap!

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Look at the size of that thing!

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What thing?

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-Gotta go, Mom. See you later.

-Thing? Er...

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Yo, hop in, man.

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We got places to go, people to see, women to impregnate. Let's go.

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You OK?

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Yeah. I'm fine.

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You wanna hit it?

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(LOUD HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS)

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(GROANS) Stupid bitch stole my ride.

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Oh, no.

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(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS)

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(CHUCKLES)

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Aren't we going a little fast, Horse?

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You bet your sweet ass we are! Whoo!

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-(THINKS) I am going to die.

-(CHUCKLES AND TOOTS HORN)

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Oh, God. Gotta get on a bus.

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Haven't been on a bus since eighth grade.

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Oh! Hey! Hey!

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Hey!

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Come on!

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Screw you, asshole!

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That's no way for a young lady to talk!

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Sorry! Get a little bitchy when I'm on the rag, know what I'm saying?

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-Whoa!

-Oops. Sorry.

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-Up yours!

-Yeah, you too.

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You! What the hell have you done to me, you rich lady?!

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Get your hands off me, you big bully.

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God, you think I'm responsible for this?!

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I certainly am not and you're the one who always knows everything.

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That does not include this.

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Whatever this is. This is...

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This is impossible.

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This cannot happen!

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Well, it's happened, OK?

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You better figure out how to get my damn body back, alright?

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Trust me, there is nothing I would like more.

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You think I relish waking up into the day with the Simpsons?

0:19:090:19:11

-Leave my rents out of it, would you?

-What is up with your mother?

0:19:110:19:14

Has she never heard of volume control?

0:19:140:19:16

There's yak farmers in Tibet praying for her to keep the volume down.

0:19:160:19:19

And...and her language! My goodness!

0:19:190:19:21

At least my mother does not have

0:19:210:19:23

a mole on her face the size of the White House!

0:19:230:19:25

So she has a problem with moles.

0:19:250:19:26

Besides, it's not a mole. It's a beauty spot.

0:19:260:19:28

Well, I can spot that beauty all the way from Wisconsin!

0:19:280:19:31

You insensitive pig.

0:19:320:19:34

-No, no, no, no...

-I don't wanna be a boy, OK?

0:19:340:19:37

I especially don't wanna be you.

0:19:370:19:38

No, no, no, no!

0:19:380:19:41

Don't cry! Don't cry! Not here.

0:19:410:19:43

-Look...look...

-(WHIMPERS) This is stupid.

0:19:430:19:44

Maybe it's just one of those 24-hour things,

0:19:440:19:47

like a head cold.

0:19:470:19:49

-A head cold?!

-Yes.

0:19:490:19:51

Tomorrow we could be back to normal.

0:19:510:19:52

Just gotta get through the day.

0:19:520:19:54

Try not to attract any unnecessary attention.

0:19:540:19:56

-OK.

-Hey?

0:19:560:19:59

Gross! I have to touch it?!

0:20:140:20:16

(WHIMPERS)

0:20:160:20:18

I will never eat finger food from a buffet again for as long as I live.

0:20:190:20:24

(URINATES)

0:20:240:20:27

MRS BIDERMEYER: Your homework was to prepare a speech

0:20:310:20:33

on the greatest living American.

0:20:330:20:35

So, Breanna?

0:20:350:20:37

Oh, I'm sorry, Miss Bidermeyer,

0:20:370:20:38

but I was excused homework due to cheerleading practice.

0:20:380:20:42

I see. And Nell?

0:20:420:20:45

-Nell?

-What?

0:20:470:20:49

Your speech, please, on the greatest living American?

0:20:490:20:52

OK.

0:20:560:20:58

Huh. I think the greatest living American is...

0:21:000:21:05

..J.Lo.

0:21:090:21:11

J.Lo?

0:21:110:21:12

You know, Jennifer Lopez. Singer, movie star.

0:21:120:21:16

She had a bit of a thing with Diddy and that dude from 'Pearl Harbor'.

0:21:160:21:20

No, I-I...I know who J.Lo is, Nell.

0:21:200:21:22

I am just very interested to hear what you perceive

0:21:220:21:26

qualifies her for such a unique accolade.

0:21:260:21:29

Right.

0:21:290:21:30

Well, see, the thing about J.Lo is that she's from the streets.

0:21:300:21:35

And now she's, like, this big movie star

0:21:350:21:38

and, er, she's still really cool.

0:21:380:21:41

She used to have a little. Now she's got a lot.

0:21:410:21:44

But she's still Jenny from the block.

0:21:440:21:47

And I think that's pretty damn great.

0:21:470:21:49

Oh, and...she's American.

0:21:500:21:53

And she's alive.

0:21:530:21:56

-Well, I see...

-(BELL RINGS)

0:21:560:21:59

J.Lo? You said J.Lo?

0:22:030:22:04

Pretty good, huh? It just flew right into my head.

0:22:040:22:07

At least there's plenty of space for it to land.

0:22:070:22:10

You made a complete fool out of me in there.

0:22:100:22:12

What is your problem?

0:22:120:22:14

I happen to like J.Lo. She has a hot booty.

0:22:140:22:16

You do not bestow an honour such as 'greatest living American'

0:22:160:22:19

solely on the fact of a hot booty!

0:22:190:22:21

I didn't!

0:22:210:22:23

She also happens to have a terrific set of funbags.

0:22:230:22:25

Woody Deane, you're an idiot and a philistine.

0:22:250:22:29

You know what?

0:22:290:22:30

I don't appreciate you calling me an idiot.

0:22:300:22:32

And I dunno what that other thing is

0:22:320:22:34

but I'm sure as hell not one of them either!

0:22:340:22:36

(SIGHS)

0:22:410:22:42

..he punches it down...

0:22:460:22:48

Hey! Woody!

0:22:480:22:49

Oh! What a lovely sight.

0:22:490:22:52

-Swill time at Yeti Central.

-(FARTS)

0:22:520:22:55

ALL: Aw! Ohh!

0:22:550:22:57

Dear God, now I have to eat with these creatures.

0:22:570:23:00

Hey, Woody.

0:23:000:23:02

-Whoa!

-My parents are going out tonight.

0:23:030:23:05

Maybe you wanna come over to discuss

0:23:050:23:07

what you wanna wear for the homecoming dance?

0:23:070:23:09

Er, I have things to do.

0:23:090:23:12

OK, what I meant was we'd be alone.

0:23:120:23:16

So maybe I might do that thing where I...

0:23:160:23:18

-Oh!

-(CRASH!)

0:23:220:23:24

You filthy little slut!

0:23:240:23:26

You'd do that?!

0:23:260:23:29

Last week he begged me to do that.

0:23:320:23:34

-So what is it? What do you do?

-Get lost, you little spastic.

0:23:350:23:39

D... Hey! Go!

0:23:390:23:41

I cannot believe Woody turned down

0:23:420:23:44

the chance to have sex with me tonight.

0:23:440:23:46

Am I in, like, bizarro world?

0:23:460:23:48

If I had Richard Wainwright sniffing around me,

0:23:480:23:51

I wouldn't be wasting my time on Woody.

0:23:510:23:53

It's not that simple, Tiffany.

0:23:530:23:55

Today, football captain. Tomorrow, 'GQ' Man of the Year.

0:23:550:23:59

Sports is celebrity. We need to plan these things.

0:23:590:24:02

Personally, I'd be relieved if Horse didn't wanna have sex.

0:24:020:24:05

Sometimes I think it's the only reason he's with me.

0:24:050:24:07

That is so not true, Chanel. You have many fine qualities.

0:24:070:24:11

Really? Like what?

0:24:110:24:13

You have excellent taste in earrings.

0:24:140:24:16

And your hair doesn't do that frizz thing in the rain.

0:24:170:24:19

And you're friends with me. Case closed.

0:24:220:24:25

HORSE: Yo, yo!

0:24:290:24:31

Hey, hey, Woodster!

0:24:320:24:34

-Come in, my man.

-How are you?

0:24:340:24:37

Cool as a frozen shit-cube, homey.

0:24:370:24:39

Yo, we got an extra practice tonight, alright? Don't forget.

0:24:390:24:43

-Practice?

-Yeah.

0:24:430:24:45

I'm in the mood to kick some serious ass.

0:24:450:24:47

Oh, yeah. Me too.

0:24:470:24:49

Only I have a prior engagement

0:24:490:24:51

that conflicts with the whole ass-kicking thing.

0:24:510:24:54

We're a week away from the game against Lamont.

0:24:540:24:57

Do you know what the coach will do to your nuts

0:24:570:25:00

if you don't show up tonight?

0:25:000:25:02

No? I'll tell you.

0:25:020:25:03

He will grind them into dust.

0:25:030:25:06

Nut dust.

0:25:060:25:07

Then the only kids you gonna be able to have

0:25:070:25:09

is them little itty-bitty powdered ones.

0:25:090:25:11

(NEIGHS)

0:25:110:25:13

-BOY: Yeah!

-(ALL CHEER)

0:25:150:25:17

ALL: One!

0:25:190:25:21

Two!

0:25:210:25:23

Three! Four!

0:25:240:25:27

Alright, here we go.

0:25:480:25:50

Yo, Wood!

0:25:500:25:51

-Cut the ball, man!

-What?

0:25:520:25:55

(COACH BLOWS WHISTLE)

0:25:580:25:59

-Woody!

-Sorry, Coach.

0:26:000:26:03

Alright, yeah, let's get this.

0:26:060:26:08

-Wood?!

-Go.

0:26:100:26:12

-Do it, man! Come on!

-Wake up, boy!

0:26:160:26:19

S-sorry, Coach.

0:26:190:26:21

OK, go.

0:26:230:26:24

Huh! Got it.

0:26:240:26:27

What the hell were you doing out there?

0:26:340:26:36

-You're playing like a damn woman!

-Just feeling a little peaky.

0:26:360:26:39

-'Peaky'?

-Yeah. It means 'off colour'.

0:26:390:26:41

Yeah, I know what 'peaky' means!

0:26:410:26:43

You listen to me, and you listen good.

0:26:430:26:46

This homecoming game is gonna be the biggest day in these boys' lives.

0:26:460:26:49

You may have a God-given talent and think you can coast it,

0:26:490:26:52

but I will not risk you letting 'em down.

0:26:520:26:54

-You hear me, son?!

-Yes.

0:26:540:26:56

-"Yes, Coach!"

-Yes, Coach.

0:26:560:26:59

You get your shit together, boy,

0:26:590:27:00

or you'll be watching the game from the sidelines.

0:27:000:27:03

Hey, Woodster, don't let it bug you, OK, buddy?

0:27:050:27:08

You just hang in there, OK?

0:27:080:27:09

Look, you just hit a slump, OK? It's like a golfer.

0:27:090:27:13

It doesn't matter how big you are,

0:27:130:27:15

every now and again you lose your swing.

0:27:150:27:17

OK, so you keep working on your stroke, you know?

0:27:170:27:19

Banging those balls out all over the place.

0:27:190:27:21

You wanna try touching my helmet?

0:27:230:27:25

-What?

-My lucky helmet.

0:27:250:27:28

I mean, it works for me. Maybe it'll do you the same.

0:27:280:27:30

Go ahead, give it a rub.

0:27:300:27:32

(ALARM BEEPS)

0:27:410:27:43

('CANDLE IN THE WIND' BY ELTON JOHN PLAYS)

0:27:430:27:45

Oh, man!

0:27:490:27:51

What is this crappy music?

0:27:520:27:54

Here he comes.

0:28:010:28:03

-I see you.

-Oh, whoops. Darn. Sorry.

0:28:030:28:05

-Loser!

-Yeah, you too.

0:28:050:28:07

And your mama.

0:28:070:28:09

Whoa! Ow!

0:28:130:28:15

I heard about the football practice.

0:28:150:28:17

Those boys are really rough. I'm covered in bruises.

0:28:170:28:19

I don't care about your bruises!

0:28:190:28:21

Coach drops me, my life is over.

0:28:210:28:23

Why is everybody getting so worked up? It's only a game.

0:28:230:28:26

No! No, it is not 'only' a game. It's football!

0:28:260:28:30

Jesus! Don't you get anything?

0:28:300:28:31

I get that whatever this is, it clearly isn't a head cold.

0:28:310:28:34

Oh! You have any better theories, Miss Smartass?

0:28:340:28:36

Oh, look at you.

0:28:370:28:39

What am I wearing?

0:28:390:28:41

Chinos and an Oxford cotton button-down.

0:28:420:28:43

I found it in the back of your closet.

0:28:430:28:45

Which is exactly where it's meant to stay

0:28:450:28:47

until another one of my relatives croaks!

0:28:470:28:49

Nonsense. You can't beat a classic look.

0:28:490:28:51

My hair! You've made it all dorky!

0:28:510:28:53

-A centre parting is very European.

-No, it is very dorky-looking.

0:28:530:28:57

Excuse me for taking a little pride in your appearance.

0:28:570:28:59

You're gonna ruin my life. I look like a male version of you.

0:28:590:29:02

Well, as long as I'm stuck inside this disgusting body

0:29:020:29:06

you'll just have to put up with it.

0:29:060:29:09

Alright, if that's the way you want it, sweetcheeks.

0:29:090:29:13

Whoa.

0:29:180:29:21

('FILTHY/GORGEOUS' BY THE SCISSOR SISTERS PLAYS)

0:29:210:29:23

SONG: # You're walking down the street

0:29:230:29:24

# And a man tries to get your business

0:29:240:29:28

# 'Cause you're filthy

0:29:280:29:31

# Ooh, and gorgeous

0:29:310:29:34

# 'Cause you're filthy

0:29:340:29:38

# Ooh, you're looking gorgeous

0:29:380:29:42

# You're disgusting

0:29:420:29:44

# Ooh, and you're nasty

0:29:450:29:48

# And you can grab me

0:29:490:29:52

# Ooh, 'cause you're nasty... #

0:29:520:29:54

(WOLF WHISTLING)

0:29:570:30:00

Nice legs!

0:30:000:30:02

BOY: You are lookin' fine, sugar!

0:30:020:30:04

What are you doing?

0:30:060:30:07

Protecting your modesty. You look like a common prostitute!

0:30:070:30:10

Damn! I was going for high-class hooker.

0:30:100:30:12

You cannot walk into school like this.

0:30:120:30:13

I can do whatever I want. Get your hands off me or I'll scream.

0:30:130:30:17

Oh!

0:30:170:30:19

# 'Cause you're filthy

0:30:190:30:21

# Ooh, you're looking gorgeous

0:30:220:30:25

# 'Cause you're filthy

0:30:250:30:28

# Ooh, you're looking gorgeous

0:30:280:30:32

# You're disgusting

0:30:320:30:35

# Ooh, and you're nasty... #

0:30:360:30:39

What are you doing? It's supposed to be Shakespeare!

0:30:430:30:47

Jesus!

0:30:470:30:49

Hmm. OK, here goes.

0:30:540:30:56

Nice penis.

0:30:570:30:59

# 'Cause you're filthy

0:31:050:31:08

# Ooh, you're looking gorgeous

0:31:080:31:12

# 'Cause you're filthy... #

0:31:120:31:14

Ahhh! God!

0:31:140:31:16

Nothing like a little bit of personal hygiene.

0:31:190:31:22

Phwoar!

0:31:220:31:24

Whoa! Whoa-ho-ho!

0:31:250:31:28

Oh, man. Well, it has to be done.

0:31:310:31:34

-(SNAP!)

-(GIRL SCREAMS)

0:31:340:31:37

And she's totally pretending to be pretty.

0:31:400:31:42

I mean, you either are pretty or you're not.

0:31:420:31:45

-Hmm.

-Oh.

0:31:450:31:46

-Hello, Woody.

-Hello, Breanna.

0:31:470:31:49

I have something I'd like to say to you.

0:31:490:31:51

Let me guess. You're sorry about blowing me off.

0:31:510:31:53

No. I'm afraid we can't see each other anymore.

0:31:530:31:57

(LAUGHS INCREDULOUSLY)

0:31:570:31:58

Very funny, Woody.

0:31:580:32:00

Well, I don't find you that attractive anymore.

0:32:000:32:03

ALL: What?!

0:32:030:32:04

You just look kinda...plain.

0:32:040:32:07

And don't worry about your moustache.

0:32:080:32:10

Some guys are really into that shit.

0:32:100:32:12

Oh-oh!

0:32:120:32:13

Suck on this, Woody Deane.

0:32:130:32:16

-He did not just say that to her!

-You can't even see the hairs.

0:32:160:32:19

Unless you're, like, right five feet away.

0:32:190:32:21

What just happened?

0:32:210:32:22

Seems you and your girlfriend just broke up.

0:32:220:32:25

-Commiserations.

-No!

0:32:250:32:27

-Me and Breanna?!

-'Breanna and I'.

0:32:270:32:29

But let's not quibble over details.

0:32:290:32:31

-You broke up with my girlfriend?!

-You'll get over it.

0:32:320:32:35

Hey, babe, wanna take a ride?

0:32:360:32:38

I have to go. Tonight's a big night for me.

0:32:380:32:41

-You too.

-What?!

0:32:420:32:45

Congratulations. Tonight's the night you finally get to lose it. (POP!)

0:32:460:32:50

Hey, Nicky!

0:32:530:32:54

(GASPS)

0:32:540:32:56

There you go, babe.

0:33:110:33:13

Thanks.

0:33:130:33:14

Nice, er...trailer.

0:33:160:33:20

It's a dump.

0:33:200:33:21

But, er, my folks are away.

0:33:210:33:24

And, er, we won't be disturbed.

0:33:250:33:27

Wow. I've never seen a chick drink like that before.

0:33:320:33:37

(BURPS) My, um... my throat's a little dry.

0:33:370:33:41

Maybe I could... moisten it up a little.

0:33:430:33:47

Oh-ho-ho-ho!

0:33:470:33:49

Er... I think, er, I need another beer.

0:33:490:33:52

Sure.

0:33:540:33:56

-You OK?

-I'm fine, thank you.

0:34:050:34:08

You've been acting kind of weird lately.

0:34:080:34:10

I think I know what's on your mind.

0:34:100:34:13

-I don't think you do.

-Well, let me guess.

0:34:140:34:17

I think you think if you don't impress those scouts

0:34:170:34:20

that you're gonna end up working with your dad in Spatula World.

0:34:200:34:24

What?

0:34:250:34:26

I ain't stupid, Woody.

0:34:260:34:29

Just let things fall into place.

0:34:290:34:31

Whatever you do, we'll be proud of you.

0:34:310:34:35

So, you don't wanna work with spatulas.

0:34:370:34:40

What the heck, huh?

0:34:400:34:42

-Whoa!

-Come on, baby.

0:34:480:34:49

Er...not here.

0:34:490:34:51

-Mm-mm.

-OK.

0:34:510:34:53

Let's go through to the master bedroom.

0:34:530:34:54

Let's get cracking, baby, 'cause Daddy's packing.

0:34:580:35:01

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

0:35:010:35:02

Oh... (GRUNTS) ..yeah.

0:35:020:35:04

Oh, God. What was I thinking? This is so gay!

0:35:040:35:07

What are you waiting for, babe?

0:35:100:35:12

Daddy wants to see some flesh.

0:35:120:35:14

He's gonna make me his bitch.

0:35:150:35:16

I'll be Woody, the bitch boy.

0:35:160:35:18

Maybe you need a little...help?

0:35:180:35:20

-I have to pee.

-Now?

0:35:230:35:26

Yeah. I could fill a frickin' moat.

0:35:260:35:27

So...you get undressed.

0:35:270:35:29

And...don't start without me.

0:35:290:35:31

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

0:35:310:35:33

Hey! Wait!

0:35:350:35:37

Hey! Come back!

0:35:390:35:40

('CANDLE IN THE WIND' PLAYS)

0:35:460:35:48

Not this shit again, man!

0:35:480:35:50

It's very melodic.

0:35:500:35:52

Come on, if you give it a chance, you might learn to enjoy it.

0:35:520:35:55

ELTON JOHN: (SINGS) # While those around you crawled... #

0:35:570:35:59

Nope. Still shit.

0:35:590:36:01

Hear the juice on that greaseball Nicky?

0:36:010:36:03

No.

0:36:030:36:04

Him and Pencilneck got it on last night.

0:36:040:36:06

(CHORTLES)

0:36:080:36:10

-Like, how low can you go?

-Oh, my God. What? What?

0:36:110:36:13

I know!

0:36:130:36:15

-Didn't you guys hear?

-No. What?

0:36:150:36:16

She did it at a trailer park.

0:36:160:36:18

Hi, Woody.

0:36:180:36:19

She probably didn't even know it was a trailer park.

0:36:200:36:22

Come on!

0:36:220:36:23

(WEEPING)

0:36:230:36:27

Woody.

0:36:300:36:32

Are you...are you crying?

0:36:320:36:33

(TEARFULLY) Yeah.

0:36:330:36:35

(SNIFFLES)

0:36:350:36:36

-What's...what's wrong?

-(SOBS)

0:36:360:36:38

I'm sorry.

0:36:390:36:41

I just found out I lost my virginity in a trailer park.

0:36:410:36:44

(WEEPS)

0:36:460:36:48

OK. Alright.

0:36:480:36:49

(SOBS)

0:36:510:36:53

Here's... here's what we've got to do.

0:36:530:36:55

I've got to...I've got to go.

0:36:550:36:57

I've got a class.

0:36:570:36:58

(SOBS)

0:36:590:37:01

-TIFFANY: Ah! Ooh! What is that?

-BREANNA: Get it off! It's a bee!

0:37:020:37:05

-It's a bee!

-Guys, guys!

0:37:050:37:07

(GIRLS LAUGH)

0:37:100:37:11

(STUDENTS CHATTER)

0:37:110:37:14

Hey. Do you think she might, like, do it with me?

0:37:240:37:27

No! Get lost.

0:37:280:37:31

What?

0:37:390:37:40

Huh. Look, about that, don't worry. You had a great time.

0:37:420:37:46

Trust me. You'll never forget it.

0:37:470:37:50

-How could you do this to me?

-What?

0:37:500:37:53

Look, I know he ain't the best-looking guy in the world.

0:37:530:37:55

But what the hell? It's only sex.

0:37:550:37:58

I wanted it to be special.

0:37:580:38:00

Oh. Well, you started it!

0:38:000:38:02

"A centre parting is very European-looking"?

0:38:020:38:05

You lost me my girlfriend!

0:38:050:38:07

I was saving it for the boy I fell in love with.

0:38:070:38:09

Look, nothing happened, OK?

0:38:180:38:19

-Really?

-Really.

0:38:220:38:24

Well, that's not what Nicky's telling everyone.

0:38:260:38:28

Well, Nicky is a liar!

0:38:280:38:30

Try telling that to the entire world.

0:38:310:38:33

How does it feel being a cheap little slut?

0:38:340:38:36

Looks like I'm gonna have to have a talk to that sonofabitch

0:38:400:38:43

because nobody calls us a slut.

0:38:430:38:45

Pass! Pass!

0:38:590:39:01

BOY: Hey, hey, Nicky! Here's your ho!

0:39:020:39:04

Hey!

0:39:060:39:07

Been looking for you!

0:39:070:39:09

Yeah? Well, you found me, babe.

0:39:090:39:11

What the hell did you say?

0:39:110:39:12

Huh?

0:39:120:39:15

Nothing...

0:39:150:39:16

Oh, really?

0:39:160:39:18

..that wasn't 100% true.

0:39:180:39:21

-BOY: Nicky, you dog!

-You're a greasy, scumbag liar.

0:39:210:39:24

And you've got a very dirty little mouth.

0:39:240:39:27

But then again, I already knew that.

0:39:290:39:32

You're a regular little hellcat, aintcha?

0:39:340:39:36

Asshole!

0:39:360:39:37

-That's no way to treat a lady!

-Ugh!

0:39:400:39:42

What kind of word is 'aintcha'? It's just wrong on so many levels.

0:39:420:39:45

Why don't you tell everyone what really happened, huh?

0:39:450:39:48

-Tell 'em!

-Nothing!

0:39:480:39:50

Nothing happened!

0:39:500:39:51

Then I think you owe this sweet, innocent,

0:39:510:39:53

yet still very attractive young lady an apology.

0:39:530:39:55

(GROANS) I'm sorry!

0:39:550:39:58

Huh?

0:39:580:40:00

I'm sorry!

0:40:000:40:02

Thanks.

0:40:020:40:04

It's so much fun to hit someone. I wanna go back and punch him again!

0:40:100:40:14

Easy, champ.

0:40:140:40:15

Doesn't mean I forgive you about screwing up Breanna and I.

0:40:160:40:20

"Breanna and ME."

0:40:200:40:22

Sorry.

0:40:220:40:24

I'll try and fix things.

0:40:240:40:25

What's the point? I'm a girl, remember?

0:40:250:40:28

Jeez, what am I gonna do?

0:40:300:40:31

Homecoming's next Friday.

0:40:310:40:33

I know. It's a complete disaster.

0:40:330:40:35

What were we doing before this happened?

0:40:350:40:38

-Arguing.

-We always argue.

0:40:380:40:40

-Not always.

-(CLEARS THROAT)

0:40:400:40:42

We were at the museum...

0:40:420:40:43

..in front of that ugly Mexican dude.

0:40:450:40:46

Aztec.

0:40:460:40:48

Tezcatlipoca.

0:40:480:40:49

That's the guy.

0:40:490:40:51

He is the ancient god of sorcery.

0:40:510:40:53

BOTH: No...

0:40:570:40:58

GUARD: Closing in five minutes, folks.

0:41:040:41:06

(CLEARS THROAT)

0:41:110:41:12

(WHISPERS) OK, you go first.

0:41:150:41:17

(WHISPERS) No, you go first. You have the biggest mouth.

0:41:170:41:20

Hi. How are you?

0:41:200:41:21

Is that the best you can do? He's a god, not your Aunt Betsy!

0:41:210:41:25

Now, you may have gotten the impression that this young fellow -

0:41:250:41:28

this lovely young fellow - and I didn't like each other.

0:41:280:41:31

But let me tell you, that could not be any farther from the truth.

0:41:310:41:35

That's right.

0:41:350:41:37

Sure, we were fighting, but all friends fight, right?

0:41:370:41:39

I mean, how could you not like Nell?

0:41:390:41:41

She's, er...tidy, very tidy.

0:41:410:41:44

And, er...smart. Way smart.

0:41:440:41:47

Kinda cute, especially when she does that thing with her nose.

0:41:480:41:51

We get along really well.

0:41:510:41:53

Yeah. We're actually very close.

0:41:530:41:56

The closest. Real homeys!

0:41:560:41:59

-To the end, bro.

-Don't overdo it.

0:41:590:42:01

So, uh...now that we've got that cleared up,

0:42:030:42:06

here's what we're gonna do.

0:42:060:42:08

We'll close our eyes, count to three,

0:42:080:42:10

and when we open them up, we'll be back in our right bodies.

0:42:100:42:13

If that's OK with you.

0:42:130:42:16

Which I'm sure it is, 'cause it's just a big misunderstanding.

0:42:160:42:19

We'll probably laugh about it in years to come.

0:42:190:42:21

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Let's do it!

0:42:210:42:25

One.

0:42:310:42:32

BOTH: Two.

0:42:330:42:35

Three.

0:42:360:42:37

Maybe he only speaks Mexican.

0:42:450:42:48

So what are we gonna do next? Buy him an enchilada?

0:42:480:42:51

I had my heart set on Yale.

0:42:520:42:54

Oh, no, please not the tears! Please!

0:42:540:42:57

Look, you think I wanna end up working in my dad's spatula store?

0:42:570:43:01

I don't know.

0:43:010:43:03

Wait...

0:43:070:43:10

You beat up Nicky!

0:43:100:43:12

So?

0:43:120:43:13

So, you have my body, my strength!

0:43:150:43:19

All I need to do is show you how to use it.

0:43:190:43:22

-Huh?

-OK.

0:43:230:43:24

And we could study, so you can get through my interview.

0:43:260:43:28

Huh?

0:43:280:43:30

('TRYIN' TO HELP' BY ORSON PLAYS)

0:43:300:43:33

SONG: # Come on, baby Why the long face?

0:43:440:43:45

# You're messing up my headspace

0:43:450:43:48

# Now I can see you've had a long day

0:43:500:43:52

# Let's talk about it anyway

0:43:520:43:54

# Hey, there's a million ways to do the same thing

0:43:560:44:00

# I know I don't always get it But you gotta give me credit now

0:44:030:44:07

# Whoa, oh

0:44:070:44:09

# Look, I'm only tryin' to help

0:44:090:44:12

# I'm only tryin' to help

0:44:120:44:14

# I'm only tryin' to make it through another day

0:44:140:44:16

# Look, I'm only tryin' to make it through another day

0:44:160:44:20

# Another day

0:44:200:44:21

# Uh!

0:44:210:44:23

# Oh, yeah... #

0:44:230:44:24

Sorry!

0:44:250:44:26

The quarterback...

0:44:330:44:35

-C'est moi?

-Yes.

0:44:350:44:37

Once the snap count has been given,

0:44:370:44:39

the centre snaps the ball to the quarterback,

0:44:390:44:41

and that's when play begins.

0:44:410:44:42

Are you with me so far?

0:44:420:44:44

-Yes.

-Good.

0:44:440:44:46

Now, the offence has a limited...

0:44:460:44:47

"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?

0:44:470:44:50

"Thou art more lovely and more temperate.

0:44:500:44:53

"Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,

0:44:530:44:57

"and summer's lease hath all too short a date."

0:44:570:45:00

So...

0:45:000:45:01

He's not actually saying that she's like a summer's day,

0:45:010:45:04

he's saying she's kind of hot, like a summer's day.

0:45:040:45:07

-Yeah, that's it exactly.

-Huh. Right.

0:45:070:45:10

You know, I still can't imagine

0:45:100:45:13

ever actually saying something like that to someone.

0:45:130:45:15

It'd be, like, so uncool.

0:45:150:45:17

Maybe you just have to meet the right person to say that kind of stuff to.

0:45:170:45:21

Or maybe I just don't wanna look like a doofus.

0:45:210:45:24

Old Shakey must've really liked that one.

0:45:240:45:26

She must've been some babe.

0:45:260:45:28

Actually, Shakespeare wrote this to a young man.

0:45:280:45:30

-Shakespeare was a homo?

-We don't know that exactly.

0:45:300:45:33

(LAUGHS) He writes a poem to a guy, telling him how hot he is,

0:45:330:45:36

and you don't know exactly?

0:45:360:45:38

Jeez, what do you have to do before you know exactly?

0:45:380:45:40

Write an ode to a schlong?

0:45:400:45:42

I think that's enough for today.

0:45:430:45:45

The Bard was a bender. Who would have thought?

0:45:450:45:47

See you tomorrow.

0:45:490:45:50

-'Bye.

-'Night.

0:45:500:45:52

Listen, I was wrong about your parents.

0:45:580:46:00

They're alright once you get used to your mom's language.

0:46:000:46:02

-Mom's pretty cool.

-Yeah.

0:46:020:46:06

Woody, can I ask you a question?

0:46:060:46:08

Sure.

0:46:110:46:12

Um...

0:46:120:46:14

In the morning...

0:46:140:46:15

-Never mind.

-What?

0:46:170:46:19

-No, it's nothing, really.

-Go on.

0:46:190:46:21

It's a little embarrassing...

0:46:210:46:22

..but every morning, you have, uh...

0:46:230:46:25

..this thing.

0:46:260:46:28

-You know.

-No.

0:46:300:46:31

-A...thingummyjig.

-What?

0:46:310:46:35

You know...

0:46:350:46:37

..every morning...

0:46:370:46:38

Oh, you mean the old boner!

0:46:400:46:42

No, that's not exactly the word I would have used.

0:46:420:46:44

Boy, do I miss that guy.

0:46:440:46:46

I'm sure you do. What I'd like to know is how can I get rid of it?

0:46:460:46:49

Only one way I know how.

0:46:510:46:52

Woody, that's disgusting! I would never...

0:46:520:46:56

There's gotta be another way, right?

0:46:560:46:58

Well, there is one thing that I do in case of emergencies.

0:46:590:47:04

Sort of lets the air out of the old tyre, if you know what I'm saying.

0:47:040:47:07

First, I close my eyes.

0:47:070:47:09

And then I think of you. Psssst.

0:47:100:47:12

Works every time.

0:47:140:47:16

-Goodnight.

-See ya!

0:47:160:47:18

Hey, want one?

0:47:330:47:34

No, thanks.

0:47:360:47:38

You were kind of quiet up there tonight. You OK?

0:47:400:47:44

Yeah. Yeah, I was just studying with Nell.

0:47:440:47:46

Oh, is that what you young people are calling it these days?

0:47:460:47:49

Nell's not that kind of girl.

0:47:490:47:50

No, I know. I know. She's a good kid.

0:47:500:47:54

You know, way back, her dad Ted and I used to hang out together.

0:47:550:48:00

He was a good guy, Ted.

0:48:000:48:02

He still is.

0:48:020:48:04

I mean, as far as I know.

0:48:040:48:06

Whatever happened between you two?

0:48:080:48:10

Oh, Nell's mom, Katherine -

0:48:100:48:11

I guess she didn't really approve or something.

0:48:110:48:15

We weren't her kind of people, I guess.

0:48:160:48:20

(LAUGHS) Goodnight, son.

0:48:200:48:22

'Night...

0:48:240:48:25

..Dad.

0:48:250:48:27

-(SOBS)

-Oh, God, she's crying.

0:48:350:48:38

-Chanel?

-(SNIFFS) Yeah?

0:48:410:48:43

You OK?

0:48:430:48:44

No. (SOBS)

0:48:450:48:47

(THINKS) Oh, crap.

0:48:470:48:48

What's wrong?

0:48:520:48:54

It's Harry.

0:48:540:48:55

He's seeing some other girl.

0:48:550:48:57

No, he wouldn't do that.

0:48:570:49:00

Well, then, how come I saw him with his tongue stuck down her throat?

0:49:010:49:04

Oh...

0:49:040:49:06

-Did you see who it was?

-No.

0:49:060:49:09

They were in his car.

0:49:090:49:11

But I saw what they were doing clear enough.

0:49:110:49:14

Why are guys such jerks?

0:49:140:49:17

Why am I asking you, right?

0:49:210:49:23

You know less about guys than anybody on the planet.

0:49:230:49:25

-I'm sorry.

-No.

0:49:280:49:29

I didn't mean that.

0:49:290:49:31

-You're right.

-I'm sorry.

0:49:310:49:32

What do I know about guys?

0:49:320:49:34

I'm so stupid! I know what Horse is like.

0:49:360:49:40

Then why do you go out with him?

0:49:420:49:44

'Cause when I started at Westdale I felt invisible.

0:49:460:49:50

And then I started going out with Horse

0:49:510:49:54

and I became friends with Breanna, Tiffany, Woody and everyone,

0:49:540:49:57

and then people started to notice me.

0:49:570:50:00

And I like that.

0:50:020:50:03

So I guess I'm just afraid of feeling invisible again.

0:50:050:50:10

You know, I think a lot more people feel that way than you realise.

0:50:110:50:15

You don't.

0:50:160:50:18

You go your own way no matter what anybody thinks.

0:50:180:50:21

I admire you, Nell.

0:50:240:50:26

And this is my room.

0:50:310:50:33

And this is Mr Stinky. You have to say hello.

0:50:330:50:35

Why did you invite that pencilneck to our sleepover?

0:50:350:50:38

Um...Nell's OK.

0:50:390:50:41

She just wants to hang. Right, Nell?

0:50:410:50:44

Oh, yeah. Can't wait till we all get in our jammies.

0:50:440:50:49

I guess...

0:50:500:50:51

I see you've finally seen the errors of your geekish ways.

0:50:530:50:55

Oh, I have. This girl just wants to have fun.

0:50:550:50:58

OK! OK!

0:51:000:51:01

So let's get into our PJs!

0:51:010:51:03

GIRLS: Whoo! Whoo-hoo!

0:51:030:51:06

(THINKS) Oh, man.

0:51:080:51:10

Life is such a bitch.

0:51:100:51:12

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS)

0:51:140:51:16

Lock target and fire at will-you-check-out-that-ass?

0:51:160:51:21

-What about Chanel?

-Huh?

0:51:210:51:24

Nah, don't see her.

0:51:240:51:26

Think about it, Harry.

0:51:260:51:28

Are you willing to betray the love of a good woman

0:51:280:51:30

for the cheap thrill of a tawdry one-night stand?

0:51:300:51:33

(LAUGHS)

0:51:330:51:36

You crack me up. You know that, boy?

0:51:380:51:40

You were always into the faithful thing, buddy. I'm the Horse.

0:51:400:51:44

Horse people know no such boundaries.

0:51:440:51:46

And plus, tonight, I'm gonna lock target -

0:51:460:51:50

early.

0:51:500:51:51

-What?

-You know how it happens.

0:51:510:51:54

A few drinks, quality control goes out the window...

0:51:540:51:56

Before you know it,

0:51:560:51:58

you're sucking face with some swill-muncher from downtown.

0:51:580:52:01

Or worse still, I end up here with you,

0:52:010:52:03

drunk on some dark street, telling you I love you.

0:52:030:52:07

And you know neither of us want that to happen, homey.

0:52:070:52:10

Let's go to the party.

0:52:100:52:11

So, Breanna, you're not seeing Woody anymore?

0:52:130:52:15

Ugh, that is so over.

0:52:150:52:17

It's such a shame. I mean, you guys were, like, the perfect couple.

0:52:170:52:20

Duh! I was only seeing him because he's football captain.

0:52:200:52:24

Without me, he's just another dumb jock with his brains in his shorts.

0:52:240:52:27

Which is convenient, because there's not much else going on down there,

0:52:270:52:30

if you catch my drift.

0:52:300:52:32

MAN: Oh, yeah! Ooh!

0:52:350:52:37

You're a loser, man!

0:52:410:52:43

Manicures, pedicures, face masks... Are we done yet?

0:52:490:52:53

Nell, I couldn't help but notice

0:52:530:52:56

that you're a little on the, um...bristly side.

0:52:560:52:59

-(CLEARS THROAT) What?

-Down below.

0:53:000:53:03

You've got sort of, um... a rainforest thing going on.

0:53:040:53:09

Ain't it supposed to be bushy?

0:53:090:53:12

Oh.

0:53:120:53:13

We've all gone totally Latino.

0:53:130:53:15

BOTH: Totally.

0:53:150:53:16

-Really?

-You should too.

0:53:160:53:18

-Yeah.

-Absolutely.

0:53:180:53:20

You know, we could do it for you right now!

0:53:200:53:22

Latino!

0:53:230:53:26

What the hell? Let's do it.

0:53:260:53:27

OK, girls, we have a green light on the Brazilian.

0:53:280:53:31

Whoa, whoa!

0:53:310:53:32

Tiffany, bring me scissors and depilatory strips.

0:53:320:53:34

Chanel, I'm gonna need towels and hot water.

0:53:340:53:36

Lots of it.

0:53:360:53:37

Nell, sit back, relax,

0:53:370:53:39

and do exactly what I say.

0:53:390:53:41

(SQUEALS)

0:53:410:53:42

ALL: Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

0:53:420:53:45

Yeah!

0:53:450:53:47

One more. Gimme one more.

0:53:510:53:52

ALL: Oi, oi, oi!

0:53:520:53:54

Chug-a-lug! Chug-a-lug! Oi, oi, oi!

0:53:540:53:56

-Bite down on this.

-(SQUEALS)

0:53:580:54:00

On three. One...

0:54:000:54:02

-(THINKS) I think this is a bad idea.

-..two...three.

0:54:020:54:04

(SQUEALS, CRIES)

0:54:040:54:07

-HORSE: Did I say I love you, man?

-(SINGS) # And it seems to me... #

0:54:070:54:11

-I really do love you, man.

-# You lived your life... #

0:54:110:54:13

You're like...

0:54:130:54:14

..my twin brother.

0:54:140:54:16

You white, but you my twin brother.

0:54:180:54:21

Ah!

0:54:250:54:26

Man, this is one tender Brazilian.

0:54:260:54:28

How are you feeling?

0:54:310:54:32

(SIGHS) A little better.

0:54:320:54:35

-How much did you drink last night?

-I don't know.

0:54:380:54:41

I just remember feeling unusually happy

0:54:410:54:44

and having a really good time

0:54:440:54:46

and it's like someone picked up the room and started spinning it.

0:54:460:54:49

I don't know. I'm such an idiot.

0:54:490:54:51

Think of it as a rite of passage.

0:54:510:54:53

Just go easy next time.

0:54:530:54:55

Mmm.

0:54:550:54:57

Thanks for taking care of me.

0:54:580:55:00

Yeah.

0:55:020:55:04

See you after lunch?

0:55:040:55:06

-We have stuff to do today.

-Mmm. I know.

0:55:060:55:09

OK.

0:55:090:55:11

Draw it back, pump fake, and then throw the ball.

0:55:110:55:15

OK.

0:55:150:55:16

Alright. I can do that.

0:55:160:55:18

-Back...

-You're telegraphing.

0:55:220:55:23

You're already telegraphing. Watch me. Follow what I do.

0:55:230:55:26

-Ooh. What is that?

-What's what?

0:55:290:55:31

What's sticking in my ass?

0:55:310:55:33

Oh. Sorry.

0:55:330:55:35

-We're meant to be playing football.

-Look, it's not my fault.

0:55:350:55:38

I'm sorry. It's...it's your thing, not mine.

0:55:380:55:41

Yeah, but you're behind the wheel.

0:55:410:55:42

I guess that means you find me attractive.

0:55:420:55:44

(SCOFFS) Oh, no, actually, that means you find ME attractive.

0:55:440:55:47

Let's not read too much into it, OK? This thing finds minerals attractive.

0:55:470:55:50

That is such a guy thing to say.

0:55:500:55:51

Can we just keep playing football, please?

0:55:510:55:53

Sure. As long as you keep my dick out of your butt.

0:55:530:55:56

Hoo-uh! (GRUNTS)

0:56:270:56:29

Ah! Came through the window.

0:56:310:56:33

One of the many skills I've acquired of late.

0:56:330:56:36

-NELL'S MOM: Are you OK?

-Oh, keep our voices down.

0:56:360:56:38

If my mom knows I've got a boy in my room, she'd spontaneously combust.

0:56:380:56:42

Trying to decide what to wear for your interview.

0:56:420:56:45

Navy suit, white blouse and sensible shoes.

0:56:450:56:47

You don't think something a little hotter?

0:56:470:56:49

This is an interview!

0:56:490:56:51

You're joking.

0:56:550:56:56

Mm-hm. At least now you can tell.

0:56:560:56:58

(SIGHS) I've been thinking.

0:56:590:57:01

While we're like this,

0:57:010:57:03

I wonder if it'd make sense that we go to the homecoming dance together.

0:57:030:57:06

I mean, only because... well, who else would we go with?

0:57:070:57:10

I don't want to be stuck with Pencilneck for the whole night.

0:57:100:57:13

It wouldn't be a date!

0:57:130:57:14

-No, no, no.

-No.

0:57:140:57:16

-I-I'd like that.

-Great. It's a date.

0:57:190:57:21

A non-date date. Hmm.

0:57:220:57:25

NELL'S MOM: Nell, wash hands. Dinner!

0:57:250:57:27

-Oh.

-That's my cue to go.

0:57:270:57:29

(WHISPERS) OK. Date.

0:57:320:57:34

Oh! (GRUNTS)

0:57:340:57:36

-(THUMP!)

-It's alright. I'm OK.

0:57:360:57:40

Mmm. I'm going to be kinda late tomorrow. (SNIFFS)

0:57:420:57:46

Kind OF.

0:57:460:57:48

Kind of late tomorrow.

0:57:510:57:53

What is with you at the moment? Ted?

0:57:540:57:57

Sometimes I feel as though I don't know who you are anymore.

0:57:570:58:00

She's growing up, Katherine.

0:58:000:58:02

So are you going to tell me what you're doing or is it a secret?

0:58:060:58:11

It's no secret. I'm studying with Woody.

0:58:120:58:15

Again?!

0:58:150:58:16

Yeah. You got a problem with that?

0:58:160:58:18

No.

0:58:190:58:21

If you want to waste your valuable time, that's your affair.

0:58:250:58:27

Who says I'm wasting my time?

0:58:270:58:29

Oh, Nell. You only have to look at the boy.

0:58:290:58:32

What's wrong with him?

0:58:320:58:34

He's stupid, he's trouble and he's a loser.

0:58:340:58:36

You told me so yourself.

0:58:360:58:38

And there's nothing you can do to change that.

0:58:410:58:43

Look at his family.

0:58:430:58:45

You're up against basic genetics.

0:58:450:58:47

Hi...Mr Bedworth.

0:59:090:59:12

Is Nell around?

0:59:130:59:15

Um, she's gone back to school, I think, son.

0:59:150:59:18

She said she had to do some extra studying.

0:59:180:59:20

She has her interview with Yale tomorrow.

0:59:200:59:22

Oh, OK.

0:59:220:59:24

Well, thanks.

0:59:240:59:26

So, how have you been, Mr Bedworth.

0:59:270:59:30

I'm fine, Woody. Just fine.

0:59:300:59:32

Good. Good.

0:59:320:59:34

Well, give my best to your wife.

0:59:340:59:37

-I will do.

-Alright.

0:59:370:59:39

'Bye.

0:59:390:59:40

(GRUNTS)

0:59:470:59:49

What are you trying to do?

0:59:530:59:55

(GRUNTS)

0:59:550:59:56

(GRUNTS)

1:00:001:00:01

-Stop. You're going to hurt your...

-Back off!

1:00:011:00:03

Why are you doing this?

1:00:061:00:08

Because this is who I am.

1:00:111:00:12

This is all I've ever been.

1:00:151:00:17

I'm not even that.

1:00:201:00:21

(GRUNTS)

1:00:211:00:23

Football's not who you are.

1:00:271:00:28

You don't get it, do you? People like you never do.

1:00:311:00:34

People like me?!

1:00:341:00:36

What exactly is it that people like me don't get?

1:00:361:00:38

People like ME.

1:00:381:00:39

Then educate me, please.

1:00:411:00:43

OK.

1:00:441:00:46

We like to play ball.

1:00:491:00:50

Maybe we're even pretty good at it.

1:00:521:00:54

So maybe we get accepted to some second-rate shitkicker college

1:00:541:00:58

or maybe we go work for our dad at the spatula store.

1:00:581:01:02

Who knows?

1:01:031:01:04

But what we don't get is a great job, a big apartment in the city,

1:01:041:01:09

and a Yale education.

1:01:091:01:11

So that's what this is about? The interview?

1:01:111:01:13

No.

1:01:131:01:15

Yes.

1:01:181:01:20

I don't know!

1:01:201:01:21

It's OK to be nervous.

1:01:211:01:24

Nothing is OK!

1:01:241:01:26

Nothing!

1:01:261:01:27

Tomorrow I'm supposed to be playing the most important game of my life.

1:01:281:01:32

It's my destiny!

1:01:321:01:34

Mine!

1:01:341:01:35

I'm not supposed to be attending some college interview.

1:01:361:01:40

So we've got the wrong lives.

1:01:401:01:42

But sometimes you've just got to get on with life.

1:01:421:01:44

Let things fall into place.

1:01:461:01:47

Do me a favour.

1:01:511:01:53

Save your inspirational speeches for someone who gives a damn.

1:01:531:01:56

I know who I am.

1:01:571:01:59

I'm a loser, I'm trouble and I'm stupid. It's basic genetics.

1:01:591:02:03

Can't help it.

1:02:051:02:06

Funny. Never took you for a quitter.

1:02:091:02:13

SONG: # Take as much time as you need to heal

1:02:131:02:18

# Such a pretty girl

1:02:181:02:21

# I once was where you are

1:02:251:02:28

# So alone

1:02:281:02:32

# I once had begged the great Lord above

1:02:321:02:38

# Please bring him home

1:02:381:02:41

# Be strong

1:02:441:02:47

# So strong

1:02:471:02:51

# I know you can, baby girl

1:02:511:02:55

# Hold on

1:02:551:02:58

# Be strong

1:02:581:03:01

# So strong

1:03:011:03:04

# 'Cause now your man, baby girl, is gone... #

1:03:041:03:10

You can go in.

1:03:181:03:20

Miss Bedworth.

1:03:261:03:28

Yes. Nell.

1:03:281:03:30

Please take a seat.

1:03:301:03:31

Well, Nell.

1:03:331:03:35

One of the qualities we hope for in any Yale student

1:03:351:03:38

is their passion.

1:03:381:03:40

Your term papers and test results are exemplary.

1:03:401:03:44

In fact, your love and knowledge of literature

1:03:441:03:47

is rare in a person of your years.

1:03:471:03:50

Thank you. It's an important part of my life.

1:03:531:03:56

Go on.

1:03:571:03:59

Poetry, for instance.

1:04:021:04:03

I like the way that it can articulate and express feelings -

1:04:061:04:09

complicated and difficult feelings that you can't explain literally.

1:04:091:04:14

What about modern literature?

1:04:211:04:24

Are there are any contemporary writers or poets

1:04:241:04:26

that you particularly admire?

1:04:261:04:28

Hmm.

1:04:281:04:30

No. Not really.

1:04:321:04:34

Well, why is that?

1:04:341:04:38

Because they suck.

1:04:401:04:42

Oh.

1:04:421:04:43

ANNOUNCER: (OVER P.A. SYSTEM) Welcome, everybody, to homecoming,

1:04:431:04:46

the biggest game of the year.

1:04:461:04:48

Surely if poetry is no longer relevant,

1:04:481:04:51

then poets and their artform are doomed to extinction.

1:04:511:04:56

Ooh.

1:04:561:04:58

I think that will be all.

1:05:031:05:06

Actually, I do like some modern poets.

1:05:211:05:24

In fact, I love 'em.

1:05:251:05:27

-Oh.

-Yeah.

1:05:271:05:29

50 Cent, Petey Pablo, Marshall Mathers.

1:05:291:05:32

I don't believe I'm familiar with their work.

1:05:321:05:34

Well, they're rap artists.

1:05:341:05:35

And you consider that to be poetry?

1:05:351:05:37

Absolutely.

1:05:371:05:39

It's urban poetry, sir.

1:05:391:05:40

They talk about their lives and their experiences

1:05:401:05:42

and they can be very brutal

1:05:421:05:45

but often undercut with humour, a dark humour.

1:05:451:05:49

Here. Check it out.

1:05:491:05:51

ANNOUNCER: Let's hear it for the home team.

1:05:511:05:53

The Westdale Bay Beavers!

1:05:531:05:55

(AUDIENCE CHEERS)

1:05:551:05:57

That's my boy!

1:05:571:05:59

Let's hear it for our star quarterback, Woody Deane.

1:05:591:06:02

That is my boy! That is my son!

1:06:021:06:04

That's my son!

1:06:041:06:06

(HORN BEEPS)

1:06:061:06:07

Wait!

1:06:071:06:09

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

1:06:241:06:25

ANNOUNCER: Here we go!

1:06:251:06:27

(REFEREE BLOWS WHISTLE)

1:06:301:06:32

Number 83, Johnny Chapton for the Beavers, on a 10-yard pass.

1:06:321:06:37

Beavers rule! Beavers rule!

1:06:371:06:39

The 30-yard line. First and down.

1:06:391:06:41

MAN: Good luck, 82!

1:06:411:06:43

Hut!

1:06:471:06:48

Hey, you! Leave him alone or I'll sort you out.

1:06:521:06:56

(GROANS)

1:07:051:07:06

(REFEREE BLOWS WHISTLE)

1:07:061:07:08

Ahhh.

1:07:081:07:09

ANNOUNCER: That's a touchdown to the Razorbacks, folks,

1:07:091:07:14

and, uh, they've obviously been practising their celebrations.

1:07:141:07:19

And it's fourth and down.

1:07:231:07:25

Oh, no, no!

1:07:311:07:33

-(REFEREE BLOWS WHISTLE)

-And it's touchdown Razorbacks.

1:07:351:07:39

They take the lead 14-0 early in the fourth quarter.

1:07:391:07:43

There's still time, folks,

1:07:431:07:45

but Woody Deane's really gotta make some big plays.

1:07:451:07:48

Hut!

1:07:571:07:59

(REFEREE BLOWS WHISTLE)

1:08:011:08:02

Oh, the 12-yard loss of play.

1:08:021:08:06

Deane sacked again. This is really unusual, folks.

1:08:061:08:09

Hey, man, come on. Go!

1:08:091:08:10

Buddy, you just messed with the wrong girl.

1:08:101:08:13

Hi.

1:08:171:08:18

Hi, Nell. I didn't know that football was your bag.

1:08:181:08:21

Yeah, I just came to cheer on...the team.

1:08:211:08:24

Yeah. We're not doing too good.

1:08:241:08:26

What... Whoa, whoa. Whoa!

1:08:301:08:32

That's my boy!

1:08:341:08:36

He's my boy! He's my flesh and blood!

1:08:361:08:38

-(AUDIENCE CHEERS)

-Yeaaah!

1:08:461:08:48

Beavers! Great run by Harry the Horse!

1:08:481:08:51

ALL: Play for a touchdown!

1:08:511:08:53

-Yes! Yes! Yes!

-Hey, hey. Sit your fat arse down.

1:08:531:08:56

Point taken.

1:08:561:08:57

-Wanna munch on some dog?

-Yeah, thanks.

1:09:001:09:02

Thanks, Dad.

1:09:051:09:06

Ooh!

1:09:101:09:11

-Oh!

-(WHISTLE BLOWS)

1:09:141:09:17

And the kick is good!

1:09:171:09:19

ALL: Push it back! Push it back! Whoo!

1:09:191:09:22

And this is it, folks. Five seconds to go.

1:09:221:09:24

Time for one more play.

1:09:241:09:26

This is make or break for the Beavers.

1:09:261:09:29

Ready?

1:09:331:09:35

Hut!

1:09:351:09:36

Come on!

1:09:371:09:39

Go, girl.

1:09:471:09:48

-It's a touchdown!

-Yeah!

1:09:591:10:02

Touchdown! Westdale Bay Beavers win the game on the last play!

1:10:021:10:06

Woody Deane!

1:10:061:10:09

-Ha-ha!

-Woody Deane wins it!

1:10:091:10:10

Whoo!

1:10:101:10:12

..for a touchdown and the Beavers win!

1:10:121:10:15

Yeah!

1:10:151:10:16

Yes!

1:10:161:10:18

Beavers! Beavers!

1:10:201:10:21

What are you waiting here for?

1:10:231:10:25

(ALL CHEER)

1:10:301:10:33

It was a great game, son. Great game.

1:10:381:10:40

-Thank you.

-Decided on a college yet?

1:10:401:10:41

I've had my heart set on Yale since I was a little girl.

1:10:411:10:44

That's funny. You know what?

1:10:441:10:46

Get your parents to give me a call, alright?

1:10:461:10:48

We're not Yale but I think you might like what we have to offer.

1:10:481:10:51

-Thank you so much.

-No problems. It was a great game.

1:10:511:10:54

Thank you.

1:10:541:10:55

(LAUGHS)

1:10:591:11:01

You did it!

1:11:011:11:04

You were great!

1:11:041:11:05

Thank you. Did you see me out there? We totally kicked ass!

1:11:051:11:08

Oh, and that guy back there, he was a scout. He gave me this card.

1:11:081:11:11

You're going to college. No spatulas.

1:11:111:11:14

That's... Thank you.

1:11:141:11:17

You know what the best part is? I totally loved it.

1:11:171:11:20

I mean, your adrenaline gets pumping and the crowd was totally into it.

1:11:201:11:23

Oh, the interview.

1:11:271:11:29

Oh, my God. I totally forgot.

1:11:291:11:31

How was it?

1:11:311:11:33

It was amazing. I mean, the place was.

1:11:341:11:39

For a moment I really felt like...part of it.

1:11:391:11:42

I gave it my best shot.

1:11:451:11:48

I'm sure you did.

1:11:481:11:51

And that's all anyone can ask.

1:11:511:11:53

And I'll tell you something -

1:11:541:11:56

they would be lucky to have someone like you.

1:11:561:12:00

Thank you.

1:12:001:12:02

Oh! Ditto.

1:12:021:12:04

(CHUCKLES)

1:12:041:12:06

You know, if I have to spend my life as someone else...

1:12:061:12:10

..I'd be honoured to be you.

1:12:111:12:14

Ditto back at ya.

1:12:161:12:17

-Double ditto.

-BOTH: Double, double ditto.

1:12:181:12:21

(BOTH LAUGH)

1:12:211:12:22

(RUMBLING)

1:12:221:12:25

Hey, there he is! Whoo-hoo!

1:12:301:12:32

(ALL CHEER)

1:12:321:12:34

Woody...

1:12:431:12:46

Hey, guys. Hey, I'm back.

1:12:461:12:48

HORSE: What are you talking about 'back', man?

1:12:481:12:51

Whoo!

1:12:521:12:53

Hey there, Mr Football Hero.

1:12:551:12:57

Do I look attractive enough for you now?

1:12:571:13:00

Woody?

1:13:121:13:14

Please, Mrs Bedworth. I need to speak to Nell.

1:13:191:13:21

Well, she doesn't wish to speak with you.

1:13:211:13:23

I have to talk to her.

1:13:231:13:25

She isn't going to the dance, Woody.

1:13:251:13:26

But she did say she hopes you have a good time with Breanna Bailey.

1:13:261:13:30

For just one moment, Woody, I thought you'd changed.

1:13:341:13:38

Oh!

1:13:431:13:45

Come on, honey. Why the sad face?

1:13:451:13:49

You've got everything we've ever wanted.

1:13:511:13:53

('LIFE NOT LIVING' BY DANCE YOURSELF TO DEATH PLAYS)

1:14:051:14:09

Oh, my God! Look at that dress! You look fantastic.

1:14:161:14:20

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

1:14:201:14:22

So, do you like my dress?

1:14:341:14:37

Yeah. Yeah, you look nice, Breanna.

1:14:381:14:40

It's so tight, it shows everything.

1:14:401:14:42

I had to leave my panties off.

1:14:431:14:46

Let's hope you don't get diarrhoea, then.

1:14:461:14:48

I'm gonna go get some punch.

1:14:491:14:51

(SINGS) # Pretending that they haven't seen her aflame... #

1:14:511:14:56

-Harry...

-Mmm?

1:14:561:14:58

Do you like my dress?

1:14:581:15:00

Yeah, yeah, baby. It looks good on you.

1:15:001:15:01

WOMAN: (ON RADIO) This is WBCR

1:15:011:15:03

coming to you live from Westdale Bay Homecoming.

1:15:031:15:05

A big hi to everybody making their way here this evening.

1:15:051:15:08

Who's going to be homecoming king and queen?

1:15:081:15:11

-I am so nervous.

-Are you kidding me?

1:15:171:15:19

-You've got this in the bag.

-I know.

1:15:191:15:21

-Check make-up?

-Yeah.

1:15:211:15:23

We won't be a minute. Oh!

1:15:231:15:25

Woody, straighten your tie. Photographers!

1:15:251:15:27

You know, seeing you in that tuxedo is making me feel kind of horny.

1:15:331:15:37

Let's do it in the bushes.

1:15:371:15:39

Are you serious?

1:15:391:15:41

Yeah, it'll be like doing it with James Bond.

1:15:411:15:43

Well, you know me - 009.5. Licensed to thrill!

1:15:431:15:49

Hang on, baby.

1:15:491:15:50

(BREATHES HEAVILY) OK, wait.

1:15:521:15:55

What?

1:15:551:15:56

You wait over there and then I'll walk by, like Halle Berry,

1:15:561:16:00

and then you jump up and grab me.

1:16:001:16:02

I'm loving this.

1:16:021:16:03

(NEIGHS, LAUGHS)

1:16:031:16:06

(LAUGHS AND GASPS)

1:16:111:16:14

Whoo! (LAUGHS)

1:16:141:16:16

Ready when you are, baby.

1:16:201:16:23

Ah...come and get me.

1:16:231:16:25

Chanel?

1:16:251:16:27

(STARTS ENGINE)

1:16:271:16:29

Chanel?

1:16:291:16:30

Goodbye, Mr Bond.

1:16:321:16:35

(ENGINE REVS, TYRES SCREECH)

1:16:351:16:36

What the...?

1:16:361:16:38

Halle Berry wouldn't have done that.

1:16:391:16:42

Good evening, Westdale Bay!

1:16:421:16:45

(ALL CHEER)

1:16:451:16:47

And the presentation of the crowns for this year's homecoming...

1:16:471:16:51

(DOOR OPENS)

1:16:521:16:55

Hi, princess.

1:16:591:17:00

Hi, Daddy.

1:17:001:17:03

So you're not going to the dance?

1:17:041:17:07

No.

1:17:071:17:09

Does this have anything to do with Woody?

1:17:091:17:12

No.

1:17:141:17:16

Maybe.

1:17:181:17:20

He likes someone else.

1:17:211:17:23

But is she a princess?

1:17:251:17:27

Any time soon, she'll be a queen.

1:17:281:17:31

No contest. Princesses are younger and prettier.

1:17:311:17:35

Especially when they're my daughter.

1:17:351:17:37

You really like him, don't you?

1:17:421:17:44

Yes.

1:17:451:17:47

Me too.

1:17:471:17:49

I think he's a good one.

1:17:491:17:53

I think you should go.

1:17:531:17:55

I don't have anything to wear.

1:18:031:18:05

Oh, ah...just...

1:18:051:18:08

There. (LAUGHS)

1:18:131:18:15

Now, I'm not usually known for my taste in fashion

1:18:151:18:17

but the young lady in the store said it was 'dope'.

1:18:171:18:20

I have no idea what that means, of course.

1:18:201:18:22

(GASPS)

1:18:221:18:24

-It's beautiful.

-Ah...good. Ah...well... (CHUCKLES)

1:18:251:18:29

She said you'd need these too. Now, apparently these are...'heavy'.

1:18:301:18:36

And for all I know, they could be dope as well.

1:18:361:18:39

Oh! Thank you.

1:18:391:18:41

The title of Westdale Bay High Homecoming King

1:18:421:18:46

goes to...

1:18:461:18:48

..our very own footballing hero, Woody Deane.

1:18:491:18:52

(ALL CHEER)

1:18:521:18:55

And now for the biggie.

1:19:101:19:13

This year's Westdale Bay Homecoming Queen is...

1:19:131:19:19

..Breanna Bailey.

1:19:211:19:23

(SCATTERED APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

1:19:231:19:26

Thank you, Miss Bidermeyer, Principal Johnson,

1:19:341:19:38

and thank you, Westdale Bay.

1:19:381:19:40

There are so many people that I need to share this great honour with.

1:19:401:19:44

My mother, for her undying support

1:19:441:19:47

and generous attitude toward cosmetic surgery.

1:19:471:19:49

My hairdresser, Georgios Theodopoulos. My...

1:19:491:19:52

Thank you, Breanna.

1:19:521:19:54

Another round of applause, please, for our homecoming king and queen.

1:19:541:19:58

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

1:19:581:19:59

('GOODBYE TO ROMANCE' BY OZZY OZBOURNE PLAYS)

1:19:591:20:02

OZZY OSBOURNE: (SINGS) # Yesterday has been and gone

1:20:061:20:09

# Tomorrow will I find the sun

1:20:091:20:13

# Or will it rain? #

1:20:131:20:15

(SONG CONTINUES)

1:20:191:20:21

(MURMURING)

1:20:211:20:23

(MUSIC FADES OUT)

1:20:411:20:44

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?

1:20:541:20:57

Thou art more lovely and temperate...

1:20:571:21:01

Rough winds, blah, blah, blah.

1:21:011:21:04

There's something in there I can't remember.

1:21:041:21:06

And, ah...yadda yadda yadda.

1:21:061:21:09

I'm sorry. I...

1:21:091:21:11

I'm no Shakespeare.

1:21:121:21:14

I guess Romeo wasn't much of a quarterback either, right?

1:21:151:21:18

No.

1:21:181:21:19

I really wish I had

1:21:191:21:21

the most perfect and beautiful words in the world to say to you,

1:21:211:21:24

'cause if I did, I'd say them, but...

1:21:241:21:26

I'd tell you how great you make me feel when I'm with you.

1:21:271:21:31

And how I love that little thing you do with your nose when you smile.

1:21:311:21:34

And you always correct my stupid grammar and I hate it.

1:21:361:21:38

Most of all I'd... I'd tell you that...

1:21:391:21:43

..you make me a better person.

1:21:451:21:48

My own person.

1:21:501:21:51

And that's why I know that this means nothing.

1:21:531:21:57

And you mean everything.

1:21:591:22:03

But hey, I'm just a stupid quarterback.

1:22:041:22:08

I don't have the right words.

1:22:091:22:11

Those were lovely words.

1:22:121:22:14

Perfect words.

1:22:151:22:17

Come here, dumb jock.

1:22:171:22:20

Try and stop me, pencilneck.

1:22:201:22:22

ALL: Aw! Ohh!

1:22:241:22:25

Stop that!

1:22:251:22:28

I'M the homecoming queen!

1:22:281:22:30

Let's get out of here.

1:22:301:22:32

(GASPS) Out of my way!

1:22:321:22:34

I'm the homecoming queen!

1:22:341:22:36

Not so fast, bitch!

1:22:361:22:38

Hey-hey! Nice ass, baby. How about a little twirl?

1:22:381:22:41

(UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC PLAYS)

1:22:421:22:45

Do you know if I missed this? The homecoming... Did Woody Deane win?

1:23:031:23:06

(POP!)

1:23:091:23:11

Sweet lord!

1:23:111:23:14

-So how are we going to do this?

-What?

1:23:301:23:33

You going to your shitkicker college and me going to Yale.

1:23:331:23:36

What?

1:23:371:23:39

You did it. It came this morning.

1:23:391:23:42

Congratulations.

1:23:421:23:44

-What?!

-Uh-huh.

1:23:441:23:45

You got in?

1:23:451:23:46

(LAUGHS) Oh, my God. I did it.

1:23:461:23:48

Me and you done pretty good, huh?

1:23:491:23:53

You and me.

1:23:541:23:55

Or...I.

1:23:551:23:59

Will you just kiss me already?

1:23:591:24:01

Yes, ma'am.

1:24:011:24:03

('HIGH' BY JAMES BLUNT PLAYS)

1:24:031:24:07

JAMES BLUNT: (SINGS) # Beautiful dawn

1:24:101:24:12

# You're just blowing my mind again

1:24:151:24:20

# Thought I was born to And last night

1:24:201:24:25

# Into your shine

1:24:261:24:31

# High... #

1:24:311:24:32

You cannot be serious. A year's sabbatical?

1:24:431:24:46

I won't allow it. We're talking about Yale, for heaven's sake.

1:24:461:24:49

(SHRIEKS) Yale!

1:24:491:24:51

I know, Mom. But what the heck, huh?

1:24:521:24:55

Er...Katherine.

1:24:561:24:58

Won't be needing this.

1:25:141:25:16

If I may quote Snoop Dogg, "Let's get it started."

1:25:271:25:33

('LET'S GET IT STARTED' BY THE BLACK EYED PEAS PLAYS)

1:25:331:25:35

Break it down. Huh? You see what I'm saying?

1:25:361:25:40

Actually, I'm not sure if this is Snoop.

1:25:411:25:44

It...it could be One-Eyed Peas or 38 Cents.

1:25:441:25:49

I'm down with it anyway, bitch.

1:25:491:25:52

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

1:25:521:25:55

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