The Boys and Girl from County Clare

This programme contains strong language

FIDDLE PLAYS

One, two.

FIDDLE PLAYS

Back in a few days, love, all right?

Mind yourself, and don't get carried away in the shops. I'm not made of money.

Course, love.

Jimmy, you bring that trophy back and I'll get a place ready for it on top of the telly.

And take it handy with the car!

It's not paid for yet!

How are you lads? All right?

CEILIDH MUSIC PLAYS

Whoa, whoa. Hold it!

Whoa, whoa. Hold it, hold it!

What the...?

You, Louis fucking Strongarm.

-Who, me?

-Yes, you, you pillock.

-What the fucking hell do you think you're doing?

-Playing a tune?

You were playing jazz. In case you haven't noticed, this is a ceilidh band.

There's no fucking jazz in ceilidh music. Play the tune.

I was playing the tune.

No, you weren't, you were playing AROUND the tune.

There's a difference.

Stick to the melody.

Just adding a bit of spice.

It doesn't need spice.

You want spice, go down to a curry house.

This is the last practice before we get on the ferry. So I would appreciate a bit of concentration.

It's gonna be rough out there, and I don't just mean the Irish Sea. The competition is gonna be good.

-Sorry, Jim.

-You don't understand, son.

We're not playing games here, this is serious stuff.

I just wanna play music, Jimmy.

It's all I've ever wanted to do.

And play music you shall, son. You're a brilliant musician, one of the best I've ever heard.

But we're not playing jazz, leave that to The Beatles.

Right. From the top, maestros.

Clive, are you ready?

Go on, our Jimmy.

I'll be there in a minute.

For fuck's sake.

CEILIDH MUSIC PLAYS

CEILIDH MUSIC PLAYS

That's grand.

Well, it's a start, anyway.

-Pint, Patsy, please.

-Right, John Joe.

Beautiful playing, Annie.

John Joe?

-What now, Pat.

-What am I doing wrong?

-Apart from playing the accordion? Nothing.

-Must be something.

You never remark on my playing like you do Anne's.

Her music comes from the gods.

Yours, however, like mine, is significantly more earthbound.

No remarks necessary.

Why do we only play Clare tunes? Why can't we mix it up a bit?

Because we're musicians from County Clare.

ACCORDION PLAYS

We won't play any polkas?

I'll put your balls in that thing and slap it shut. Let's just stick to the sets we know.

Leave Kerry tunes to the Kerrymen. Our stuff was good enough to win last year.

It'll be good enough to win this year.

I heard maybe there's a band coming from Liverpool to compete this year?

Well, then again, maybe there isn't.

For fuck's sake. You're not driving your old man's zimmer frame.

-Drop the fucking piano.

-Can't drop the fucking piano from the van without telling me.

-Piss off, Roger. Step on it.

-Be there quicker than you can say gnat's knickers.

Careful, you'll miss the turn for the ferry. There, there! Turn!

TYRES SCREECH

Knickers!

Make sure they don't make it on time.

-There's your money.

-Consider it done.

Powers Gold Label, please.

Large.

Lads? Gents?

Lads? A moment? Lads, lads.

Just so you know, we are going to bring back something special from this trip.

Yeah, Terry's virginity, still intact.

The Irish Ceilidh Band trophy.

Eh, Jimmy? Do you really think we're gonna win?

Put it this way, Roger. If we lose, you're all walking home.

Lex? Is he serious?

-About what?

-You know, us walking home if we lose?

Didn't you bring your swimming togs?

CAT MEOWS

Here, puss. Puss, puss, puss?

Johnny? Johnny cat, where are you?

Where are you? Puss, puss, puss?

Ah, there you are.

Piss on your own bed, you mouldy whore.

How long's it been?

More than 20 years.

You've done well, Finch.

Aye, that's why I left - to move meself up in the world.

20 years!

It's a long time.

Aye, a long time.

I'll bet nothing's changed.

Well, we'll see, won't we?

-Fancy a drink?

-No.

No, I'll just finish this and put me head down.

But you go ahead, enjoy yourself.

Oh, and, er, keep an eye on the lads, make sure they don't drink too much.

-No problem there, Jimmy. They're a good bunch.

-Aye, even so.

We need to be at our best.

You set an example.

Know what you mean, Jimmy.

Right you are.

The sink. In the sink.

Oh, fuckin' hell!

-Fuckin' seasick!

-Oh, yeah, everyone gets that after 20 pints, George.

-All right?

-Yeah.

There's never any bloody soap when you need it.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Oh...

Rather you than me.

Oh...

HE SNORES

-Morning, lads. Did you sleep well?

-Oh, luxurious accommodation, Jimmy.

Here, I'll have that. Get yourself another one.

-Oh! Morning, Rog.

-Morning!

-Sleep?

-Like a baby.

Mm.

-Rog?

-Mm-hm?

-I rescued these for you last night, mate. Remember?

They're not mine.

No. I got mine.

-What's the matter with him?

-I know...

CAT MEOWS

TANNOY: 'Welcome to the Republic of Ireland. We're now at Dun Laoghaire...'

Customs, sir. Pull over there.

What do you mean, "pull over"?

Morning, sir. Morning.

-Have you anything to declare?

-No, nothing. We're just visiting.

-Visiting. Aye, I see, sir.

-And, er, what's the purpose of your visit?

-The all-Ireland finals.

Football or hurling?

Music!

-Pillock!

-You would have musical instruments with you, then, sir?

Well, of course we have instruments!

-How do you think we'll play music without fucking instruments?

-I'm only doing my job, sir.

Y'see, we got a report of stolen instruments.

-I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to unload everything.

-Unload everything?!

That's right, sir, everything.

And if you'd bring it in there.

That's if you don't mind.

We're fucked now.

SHIP HORN BLARES

-Morning, Sean.

-John Joe!

VAN HORN BLARES

-Tell me you bring good fortune, Sean.

-Would I let you down, John Joe, huh?

-The cream of rejection.

-Would have been a long, dry weekend without it.

-Who d'you know in Africa?

-Africa?

-Aye.

Nobody.

Come on, John Joe.

Time to go!

-Better be off.

-Good luck.

Aye, it's in the bag.

I always thought he was good at getting round this official stuff.

You don't become a millionaire building contractor by not knowing how to grease palms.

All right.

Nearly an hour without a word from you.

What's the matter?

The usual.

She treats me like some precious Ming vase.

She only wants the best for you.

I'll never meet anyone!

Of course you will.

That's them.

Do you ever get lonely, John Joe,

-living on your own?

-Lonely, me? No.

Far too busy.

Y'know, with the farm and the music.

Yeah, but all the same, did you never think of marrying when you were younger?

When I was younger?

-I can hardly remember what I did last night, never mind when I was younger.

-Did you never fancy my mam?

You both seem very close.

Any man would.

She's a beautiful woman.

She passed it on.

You always say nice things to me.

-Hey, Michael! We should break the journey. We've plenty of time.

-Right, so.

Nice to be home again, Jimmy?

Well, put it this way, Johnny. I'll be happy when I'm back on the ferry with a trophy in me hand.

Ah, look on the bright side.

It's a sunny day, we're men of the open road with nobody wanting to know what time

we're going to be home, nobody nagging, nobody telling you you've had enough to drink, nobody...

Nobody telling you to shut the fuck up and watch the road. Well, come on, Jimmy Shand.

We have to be there in time for registration.

CLOCK TICKS

We should be going. We haven't much time to spare if we want to make the registration.

Aye, you're probably right there, Michael. Thank you, missus.

Thank you very much. It was a lovely pint.

DUCKS QUACK

-I'm telling you, you need a fucking hammer.

-I wouldn't need a fucking hammer if you knew how to drive.

A couple of belts with a hammer would straighten it up.

Whoa, look!

Cows! Great!

Never seen cows before.

This is great!

If you've never seen 'em before, how d'you know they're cows?

I don't understand it. They were on the bus when we parked.

We were only in here two hours. Who'd want four wheels?

What time is it? Oh, God, it's twenty-five to six.

If we don't register for the competition before eight, we're out.

You know how strict they are. You'd have to be a priest to get around the rules.

I do, I do. Hey, missus?

Is there anywhere around here where we can get four wheels?

-No.

-Is there a garage handy?

-No.

Well, that's it. We're out.

So, what's the story, then?

Oh, Maisie,

we're in deep trouble.

We've about fifty miles to go and we need to register before eight o'clock.

We'll never make it in time.

I think we're, like, lost.

We're musicians.

-Musicians, you say?

-Yeah.

Yeah, we all play the bad ron.

-The bodhran.

-Yeah, the bad ron.

And I'll bet you know all the tunes.

We need directions for the music festival.

And no better man to give them to you.

I'm a walking map of Ireland.

If they'd had you two map-reading on D-day, they'd have invaded the fucking Orkneys.

How hard can it be to find a big fucking town?

-It's the signposts, Jimmy.

-What's wrong with them?!

-There aren't any!

Oh, for fuck's sake. Come on, just drive, will you? Go. Go, go!

TANNOY: 'Pat Flynn, please go to the County Hotel, where his mother is waiting for him?'

OK, good luck! Thanks for the lift.

Maybe we can play some tunes together later.

-Good luck, now.

-Right.

We've no more rooms available.

Aye. Just here to register. Cutting it fine.

No way through here! No way through here! No, no. Stop the vehicle.

Youse'll be playing tomorrow at two thirty.

Many people entering?

Hundreds, counting all the competitions together.

-How many ceilidh bands are here?

-Fifteen so far.

Any from, er, Liverpool?

No.

Good luck, then.

-Well, that about does it.

-Where do I register?

-Am I too late?

-No, just in time.

What the hell are you doing here?

Sign here, please.

Is there a John Joe McMahon here?

-I'm John Joe McMahon.

-There's a call for you.

'John Joe? Hello? Hello?'

-Hello.

-'John Joe?'

-Who's this?

-'It's Gerry. Your brother is on his way.'

Don't you think I don't know that?

-I thought you were supposed to delay him at the customs.

-'Oh, I did, I did, I did!'

But you don't understand.

Believe me, I do.

Delay me at the customs, eh?

-And I suppose you know nothing about missing bus wheels(!)

-Bus wheels?

What are you talking about?

What is the matter with you?

-Did you think you could beat me fair and square?

-Fair and square?

And what were you afraid of, huh? Competition!

Big brother, still worried that I'm better than you are.

Twenty-four years.

Twenty-four years and not a word from you.

Well, at least I made something of meself. And look at the state of that suit, huh?

I swear it's the same one you went to England in.

No, it's not.

That one wore out eight years ago.

Oh, two suits in twenty years, huh?

I buy twenty suits a year.

Ah, who cares?

That's typical!

Drag everything down the Bog Road.

You were jealous then and you're jealous now.

Well, you're not in the land of twenty suits now.

You're on my turf.

It's mine, too, remember?

Not any more.

You gave it up to better yourself.

Well, we'll see how much better you are.

Because if there's anywhere where twenty suits counts for nothing, it's on the bandstand.

Do you think the judges or the dancers care about your lapels?

No, they don't.

It's about the music.

And you had bad rhythm then, and I'll bet you have bad rhythm yet.

I do not!

If you think you can just turn up after all these years and become

Yehudi Paganini, then you've another thing coming.

Alberto Paganini. And you know full well this isn't just about the music.

Well, we'll see about that.

-How did you give the missus a miss?

-I said I was coming...

Here, Jimmy!

Total success, boss.

We robbed the wheels off the minibus. They're stuck miles away!

You fuckin' eejits.

You're fired!

TRADITIONAL MUSIC PLAYS

Hey! Hey! See you in the pub!

TRADITIONAL MUSIC PLAYS

So we were lucky, really.

Got the four wheels for £20. They're as good as my own.

We're very lucky.

They WERE your own wheels, Michael.

My own wheels? I don't understand.

It was Jimmy. He'd organised it.

How d'you know that?

-Because he's my brother.

-Jimmy?

Jimmy's here?

-He is. Yes, he is.

-Oh.

Ah, Maisie...

Maisie?

Maisie!

Why didn't you tell me Jimmy was here?

I didn't really know myself until yesterday.

I'm going to go home, John Joe.

But you can't! We need you! The band needs you.

I don't want to see him.

Where am I going to get another piano player at this stage?

-Anne can play. She's far better than I am, anyway.

-Then we'll be short of fiddles.

Play louder.

Leaving won't change anything.

Well, your sister's got the kit now.

She's always got the kit, though.

-But promise me you won't bring up the old business.

-All right. I promise.

Gene Crooper. What a drummer. Oh, the stories I could tell.

Did you know he played Carnegie Hall?

It was back in 1940-something.

What's the matter with you?

Ah!

And there I was, thinking football was your only love.

Come on, Casanova, let's go and show her your flute. Come on.

-Excuse me, do you mind if we sit in?

-No. Please.

-So you don't mind us walking you home?

-No.

-Where are you staying?

-My aunt's. Where are you staying?

A tent just by the river, there. I'm Alex, by the way.

So you said earlier.

And the handsome chatterbox there is Terry.

-You told me.

-We're from Liverpool.

-And there I was, thinking you were from Bombay(!)

-Bombay!

The nearest we've been to Bombay is probably the chicken vindaloo at the El Morocco.

A little Chinese place by the docks.

-Are you competing this weekend?

-Yes.

So are we!

-In the ceilidh band competition?

-Are you?

Fraternising with the enemy. What will they say?

-This is where I'm staying.

-Good night.

Good night, Teddie.

Night.

Come on, Romeo, we've got a tent to put up.

-Is that you?

-Yes.

-Aunt Fernie.

-Look at you!

-A picture!

-There's a cup of tea made.

-I think I'll go straight to bed.

-You're in your usual room.

-Thank you. See you in the morning.

-Good night!

She looks happy.

She is beautiful.

Oh, you've noticed?

A word of advice - forget it, son, because behind every Irish girl is

a disapproving mother, who'll put your balls in a mangle if you try to get too close.

We're only here for a couple of days, so

go for the foreign birds.

One look at the length of your flute and you're in!

Always sex with you, isn't it?! You think of nothing else, don't you?

Depends on whether Liverpool are playing home or away.

TANNOY: 'The under-16 fiddle has been moved from the town hall to the priests' house.

'That's the under 16s, the fiddle, has been moved from the town hall

'to the priests' house.'

Ted, Ted, wake up!

Teddy. Wake up.

There's a bird swimming naked in the sea. She's in the sea naked!

Hi.

Very fucking funny.

Fine birds. I'm telling you, Ted.

Fine birds.

-Morning, Jim.

-Oh, all right?

You look a bit delicate.

Bad pint.

I never touch the stuff myself.

Top shelf only. Powell's Gold Label.

The Manchester United of whiskies. Get some breakfast in you, you'll feel better.

Just in time. What can I get you?

Just a pint of Guinness.

It's not good to eat on an empty stomach.

TANNOY: 'A child has been found.'

'A little girl called Eva. Grey skirt and a white blouse...'

Good morning, Teddy.

Whoa. Oh, good... Whoa, whoa! Ahhhh!

BOY PLAYS FIDDLE OUT OF TUNE

Thank you.

-You did your best. Winning isn't everything.

-They'll be no fecking ice-cream for you!

TRADITIONAL MUSIC

I enjoyed playing with you.

I mean, you know, last night, the music...

I enjoyed playing with you, too.

I started on the piano accordion.

But then we all make mistakes.

It's what my dad used to play.

Never knew my father.

-Did he walk out?

-What makes you say that?

Well, just because my dad walks out so often that the whole carpet needs replacing twice a month!

No, my mother never talks about it. It doesn't really matter to me. He'd be like a complete stranger anyway.

What's it like in Liverpool?

Same as any dump.

We've got all the usual things.

The Beatles, riots...

What's it like where you're from?

-It's nice. It's quiet.

-You could never accuse Liverpool of being quiet.

You should visit some day.

-I could show you the sights.

-Are there any?

Not that I know of.

-Maybe I will.

-It's a date then.

Oh, my God, what time is it?!

-It's nearly two.

-We're playing at 2.30pm.

-Can I see you later?

-If you like.

Yeah, I do.

Hello, mate.

-Did you score?

-It's not like that.

Oh, no, not love.

What about you? Did you score?

-Like Pele, mate.

-Kevin Keegan.

-That hippy girl thinks that I'm the best thing since Sergeant Pepper.

-Who's Kevin Keegan?

-Liverpool signing from Scunthorpe!

Scunthorpe? They must be fucking mad.

-Nothing's come out of their that's any good. What's he like?

-Keegan?

-No idea. Probably useless.

-What did they give for him?

-Deck chairs.

Where the hell is she?

She'll be here. And stop pacing like that, you'll give yourself a heart attack.

CEILIDH MUSIC

-Thank God. Where have you been?

-What does it matter? She's here now. I'll talk to you later.

Ready?

One, two...

CEILIDH MUSIC

So? What's the story, Jimmy?

Oh, they're good. But we can beat them.

CHEERING

Good luck, now.

Good luck, now! And, remember, winning isn't everything.

Fuck off!

Cheeky fucker.

Pint of red wine!

-Yeah, that's me.

-What are you all having?

-I'll have a vodka and lemonade. You?

-Pint, please.

-Two.

-What are you doing?

-I've taken care of it.

Listen, lads, I want you to keep it tight and steady, right?

And you, none of that fucking jazz, do you hear me?

I'll play it straight, Jimmy, don't worry.

What the...

Where the hell did you get that?

I pinched it back at the Customs.

My contingency plan.

Are you mad?

What were you thinking? Who do you think he's going to blame?!

HE PLUCKS FIDDLE STRING

He'll kill me.

I'm going to fucking kill him.

Right, lads, we're ready for you.

-Come on, OK?

-Right then, boys, this is what we've waited for.

Here! Lend me your fiddle, will you?!

Fuck off!

New fiddle, Jim?

It's a spare.

-Clive, are you ready?

-Yeah.

One, two...

CEILIDH MUSIC

OUT OF TUNE NOTE PLAYS

What are you doing?

You don't take a man's fiddle from its case like that. What were you thinking?

-I was only trying to help the cause.

-I'll tell you what you can do to help the cause.

-You can leave town now, before you do any more damage.

-So you feel that way about it?

Sorry.

-I'll say no more about it.

-Oh.

I have something to tell you.

I want a word with you.

And before you say anything, it wasn't me, it was him.

-What?

-Acting for you?!

Oh, no, I was acting for myself.

I've already had this out with him.

-Apologise.

-John Joe, I'm very sorry.

-Not to me, you eejit, him!

-All right.

I apologise.

-That's low. Even for you. Taking a man's fiddle.

-Look, Junior, I've already told you...

Don't call me that! It's Jimmy.

You're junior to me.

And you always will be.

Besides, it was my fiddle anyway.

You lost it in a bet, remember?

Oh, is it a bet you call it?!

It's not my fault if you're too blind to see the obvious!

The obvious? And what's that? Going behind your own brother's back?

You had your chance. She wasn't interested.

You went behind my back.

She wasn't spoken for!

Stop it! Just stop it!

You promised me, John Joe.

-I'm sorry, Maisie.

-You promised!

Hello, Maisie.

-Jimmy.

-You're looking well.

-Maisie, I...

-I don't want to hear it.

Not a word out of you.

Look at you -

you're children. You've learned nothing, like two little boys.

Junior!

He must be 50 if he's a day.

Mammy! Mam, hold on! Wait, Mammy.

-What was all that about?

-Nothing.

It was stupid of me.

It all happened a long time ago.

Is this to do with my father?

What made you say that?

I don't know. You never talk about it, I just thought...

Please, tell me.

-Has John Joe been telling you things?

-No!

Mam, tell me, please.

-It was all a long time ago.

-Please.

He promised he'd take care of me.

He didn't keep his promise.

-That's all.

-Is he my father?

Is he my father?

You played great, Anne!

Pat. Thanks, Pat. You did, too.

Anne, is everything all right?

I'm not sure.

But I think I need a drink.

Will you take me somewhere?

Whatever you want.

I can't believe you're still angry.

What do you expect?

Two brothers who up and leave me to run a farm on my own.

-You could have left as well.

-I did, remember?

Two weeks hardly counts.

I would've stayed longer, but for you.

Are you never gonna forget that?

Well, how can I?

I'm reminded of it on a daily basis.

I know.

I'm sorry.

# No nay never, no more Will I play the wild rover

# No never, no more... #

-Do you ever hear from Padraig?

-Not a word since he left.

He's a missionary somewhere. That's about all I know.

Will the owner of the white van with Patsy's Porcupines written on the side please move it...

CHATTER AND LAUGHTER

OK.

You've a good band.

Huh!

-That flute player...

-Teddy?

Teddy.

Doesn't get any better than that.

He's my best player.

A fucking genius. He'd give the Beatles a run for their money.

The girl?

Her name's Anne.

Anne... Anne.

-She's good.

-Best I ever heard.

She's her mother's daughter.

-What about me?

-Well what about you?

-Wha...

-No matter what nature might say about it, you've still got bad rhythm.

-I do not!

-Still speeding up.

-I am not!

-Yes, you are.

Jesus!

Still picking on me after all these years.

Just stating a fact.

You may not have noticed, but I'm not wearing short fucking trousers.

No...but I bet you've 20 pairs at home.

Come on.

-Come on.

-No, I'm okay, thanks.

-I don't really...

-Come on, handsome Teddy.

-No.

You're no fun any more.

-Oh!

-No!

-Oh!

SHE SCREAMS

Anne! Anne! Anne!

Anne! Anne!

Help! Somebody help! Anne!

Are you looking for me?

Teddy? Are you looking for me?

I thought you drowned.

No, but I did drink a lot of water.

My knight in dripping armour.

Oh... Oh my God!

Will I put the kettle on?

-Sorry?

-The kettle?

I'm putting the kettle on.

What about food? They'll be hungry.

Eating's the last thing on their minds.

What's the matter?

Nothing.

In the pig's eye...

I met Jimmy.

Ah!

I hit him.

Hard.

I might never play the piano again.

A price worth paying. He deserved it.

Did he?

Maybe I expected too much.

-Expecting honesty?

-We were so young.

All the more reason not to have left you in the lurch.

I'll make sandwiches for them.

Here, I'll help.

So...is there Mrs Junior?

Don't call me that.

It makes me feel old.

Well, is there?

There's...four of them.

Four?!

Going on five.

-Five wives?

-Yeah.

There's no hairs growing on your knees, that's for sure.

How about you?

No women left.

You cornered the market.

Did you and Maisie never...?

No.

No.

Pat, what now?

You'll never believe that tunes I've just heard, John Joe. Incredible!

Really? Well, that's just fine, Pat.

You can teach them to us back home.

# No nay never, No nay never no more

# I will play... #

What? God, what happened?

-She had a little too much to drink and fell in the river.

-She did what?

I'm fine, I just need to change.

-Oh my God, what...?

-What were you doing?

Just walking, she tripped and fell.

-Don't make such a fuss.

-You, go upstairs, now!

And you, go back to Liverpool with you. You're nothing but trouble.

-I haven't done anything wrong.

-It's not Teddy's fault.

If he hasn't done anything wrong, why are you in that state?

NOW!

Stop treating me like I'm a child.

What do you expect when you behave like this?

Behave like what? The minute I meet anyone you step in and stop it.

-I know his type.

-What type? What the hell is his type?

-He'll charm you into bed and you'll never hear from him again.

-He's not like that.

-They all are!

-Is this because it happened to you?

-I beg your pardon?

-It is. That's the reason.

What happened to me is of no concern of yours.

Who was it? Was it that man?

Tell me, Mam. Tell me.

Tell her.

She's a right to know why you've been so crabby all these years.

Crabby?! I have not been crabby!

You have. Now tell her.

Tell her or I will.

I was about your age...

..and I thought I was in love.

-I didn't know what love was.

-Who is he?

He's John Joe's brother, Jimmy.

And he's my father?

I was just another conquest to him.

Oh, he promised to marry me when I told him I was pregnant.

He was already engaged to somebody else. A nightclub singer.

So I came home after you were born

and people chose to believe I was a widow

and I tried to make the best life I could for you...for us.

But why did you never tell me I still had a father?

Because you didn't. He might as well have been dead for all I knew.

Because of your mistake, you don't want me seeing Teddy?

I just don't want you to ruin your life the way I did.

But it's my life!

-My life!

-Anne, please.

I'm so sorry I've ruined yours.

Is that one of your better ideas?

On the contrary.

The last person in the world to hear about your scarlet past

is the one person you should have told from the beginning.

CHATTER AND HAPPY LAUGHTER IN BACKGROUND

Oh! GROANING

-MAN GROANS:

-Ah! Oh!

Oh!

Oh, yeah, just there.

Come on, let me dance. Let me dance.

That's it.

WOMAN MOANS: Oh! Oh!

You should tell her you're sorry.

Don't you think I haven't wanted to?

And you should tell her about the five wives here.

I might be stupid but I'm not suicidal.

Make her see how lucky she was.

Having a child out of wedlock's one thing.

But getting divorced, Jesus!

The parish priest would have her excommuniated.

Excommuni-cated!

Well, he'd certainly take a dim view.

Guinness.

-Bring up the cases for me, will you?

->

On second thoughts, maybe you should leave the wives out of it.

Impressed by the suits, were they, the five of them?

Jimmy.

Maisie.

I want to apologise for hitting you.

I-I want to apologise, too...

-Please, let me finish.

-Sorry.

What happened is past, but I'm worried about Anne.

I've told her everything.

Maisie, I...

I don't want her having anything to do with that young man.

I don't want her making the same mistakes I did.

Teddy's a good lad.

I've known him for years.

She's a grown girl, Maisie.

-She can make her own decisions.

-Keep out of this, John Joe.

You owe me that much.

As her father, you owe me that. If she comes to you,

I want you to put her straight.

She won't listen to me now.

If that's what you want.

It is. That's all I came to say.

Go on.

Maisie...

..I'm sorry.

-Hey, Candy?

-Hey.

-There you are.

-Where you been?

-Hello, ladies.

What the fuck happened to your shirt?

I think someone puked all over it.

Oh, phew...

< Testing, testing, test...

The town of Naas is a terrible place,

Kilcock is just as bad.

But of all the towns I was ever in...

Fuck me, Kinnegad.

Peter Piper...

pecked a pick...

Peter Piper pipped a... No, that's not right, no.

Pickle Peter...

Oh, fuck. How was that?

Never heard better.

Anne...?

Don't forget.

Winner plays at the ceilidh tonight.

What the fuck have you been doing?

You can't go up on stage looking like that.

I don't know what happened, Jim.

Here. I've a spare shirt up in my room, man.

You fucking eejit, you!

Sort yourself out, mate.

-Hello.

-Hello.

I put your fiddle away.

I was going to bring it round to the house but I had second thoughts.

I'm too young to die yet.

Thanks.

Your mum's mad at me.

It's not you. She's mad at everyone.

It's nice to know you're not alone in the world.

I'm sorry...

for what happened.

You've got a clean shirt.

Actually, it's Alex's.

They were in the tent but I couldn't get in. I lost the keys.

Are you stuck to those fucking stools or...?

Are you stuck to the stools or what? Time to get to the hall, come on.

Can I come with you?

Yeah. Yeah, course.

PA SYSTEM: 'Extra car-parking space can be found

'at the back of Wheelies Bar on the side street.

'Extra car-parking space can be found

at the back of Wheelies Bar on the side street.'

HUM OF CHATTERING VOICES

All right?

-Nice shirt, mate.

-Yeah, Jimmy gave it to me.

-Said I was a disgrace.

-No-one gets past Jimmy.

Better tell the others.

So what happens now?

Well, they announce the winner and then we go up on stage and play.

-You do, do you?

-Well, that's what happened last year.

Shhh!

And the year before.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

You're all welcome here tonight for the ceilidh

and to dance to the music of this year's winning ceilidh band.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

All the prizes for the solo competitions have been awarded

and...what competitions they've been!

The standard has been the highest we've seen here since...

Well, since last year.

LAUGHTER

And the judges found it very hard,

in particular,

to select the winner of the ceilidh band competition.

But in the end...they did.

WHISTLING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, there's a winning ceilidh band

ready and bursting to entertain you all.

And, without further ado, I'd like to call on the chairman of the committee

to announce the winner and to present the trophy.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

There's something you should know.

HE WHISPERS

What? I can't hear.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

It's a great pleasure for me to be associated with this event.

And the name McMahon has been...

-You're not serious?

-..long associated with it. This year...

-Here?

-..it's a McMahon that has triumphed again.

-I was trying to tell you.

I'm delighted to announce the winning band.

They were late arrivals, but we're very glad they made it.

So, ladies and gentlemen, would you please put your hands together

and give a very warm welcome to, from across the water,

Father Padjo McMahon and his South African Township

Ceilidh Band!

UPBEAT FOLK MUSIC

-BOTH:

-Padjo?!

I thought you said he was some kind of missionary.

I did.

He could have picked another fucking mission!

Not bad, are they, John Joe?

Saw them earlier on. I tried to tell you.

-Dance?

-Dance.

-Maybe we should congratulate him.

-He'll find us.

You can bet your life on that.

Here.

What's this?

I want you to have it anyway.

Take it. Me da' left it to you.

Betting on who takes the girl home at the end of a night.

It's not something I'm proud of.

-D'you mean it? You really want to give me back my fiddle?

-You take it.

I don't know what to say.

"Same again" always works for me.

Ahem.

You've a great band.

And a trophy to prove it.

Padjo!

-It's the ugliest fucking thing I've ever seen!

-Padjo!

When are you going?

In the morning.

Wish I was going with you.

You could.

Well, you know, if you wanted to, to come with us.

You could get on the bus,

come to Liverpool.

I'll show you the sights.

What are you saying?

Teddy? What are you saying?

I don't know.

But I've never felt like this before.

-Still speeding up.

-I am not.

He's right - you are.

Will the pair of you stop picking on me!

And next year we play straight.

No funny business. No games.

Aye, no funny business. Ha ha!

Band against band.

Will you be back next year, Padjo?

Well, they're posting me to South America.

-Oh, where?

-Brazil.

-Oh, where the nuts come from, uh?!

Just so long as none of them play the fiddle.

Well, if they do, I'll be bringing them back next year.

Oh!

Anne?

-Where did you stay last night?

-I was with Teddy.

-I see.

-I'm going with him.

I'm going to Liverpool.

-Anne, don't.

-I love him.

-Sure, you hardly know him more than a day.

-Long enough to know.

And what has he promised you? The world?

Nothing. He's promised me nothing.

What'll you do you do for money?

-I'll get a job.

-And when he leaves you for somebody else?

-He won't.

-Let him come to you.

Don't go running after him.

He'll only break your heart, Anne.

If he loves you,

let him come to you.

Just because it happened to you doesn't mean it's going to happen to me.

I'm going to start a life.

I can get to know my father.

Anne, please, listen.

What are you going to do?

Keep me locked up till I become a bitter old maid like you?!

No.

Coming home with the milk.

I haven't done that in a while.

I thought Miko had a bus over at Bernie's.

I'm going to England with Teddy.

Don't do this out of punishment.

I don't care about her.

I don't believe that for a second.

Well, you'll have to find another fiddle player.

-Bye.

-Oi.

See if you can do something about Jimmy's...your father's fiddle playing.

He's still inclined to speed up on the changeovers.

Is that all you ever think about?

-Music?

-Well, when you've got the music, you've got friends for life.

That's why I'm never lonely.

Remember that.

Nice and tight, now.

Right-on, yeah.

-That's it, Jimmy.

-Everyone here?

-Yes, Jimmy.

-Got to get a move on.

Tide and ferries wait for no band.

"A concertina has been found in the public toilets at the football pitch."

"I reiterate, a concertina has been found in the public toilets at the football pitch."

I'm coming with you.

-I don't believe it.

-All aboard the Liverpool Express.

Welcome aboard, love.

Plenty of room next to me.

Jimmy.

None of this is my idea.

I know.

It's just something I wanted to say.

-What?

-If as much as a hair on that child's head is harmed,

I'm coming to Liverpool...

..to cut your balls off.

That's all.

That's fair enough.

In the circumstances.

All the best.

So, she really has gone, then.

We're never going to see her again.

Worse than that...

..Jimmy's poached our best player.

Here, not so fucking fast!

We are catching today's ferry, Einstein, not yesterday's.

Look, sheep.

-Whoa, slow down.

-Sheep.

-Slow down.

Jimmy...

I'm so sorry.

No, I'm the one who's sorry.

I said terrible things to you.

You'll never forgive me.

There's nothing to forgive. Nothing.

You all right, John Joe?

I am now, Pat.

I am now.

Cheers.

Don't worry, mate.

Put it down to a Roman holiday.

Rome? We weren't anywhere near Italy.

No! Gregory Peck.

The scene in the pictures, he goes to Rome and he falls for... What's her name?

Anyway, turns out that she's a princess so he's fucked!

So, what happens?

He doesn't get his end away, you know, cos she's royalty.

You think of nothing else, do ya?

-What else is there?

-I love her, Lex.

Argh! You think you do.

You think you do now but that's just your dick talking, mate.

Trust me, I know.

Any time I fancy a girl, the big fella down below tells me that she's the one.

Just forget about it, Ted.

Besides, we're playing Chelsea at home soon so that means dolly birds up from the smoke and all that.

Yeah.

-Yeah, maybe you're right.

-Yes, I am right.

Would I steer me best mate wrong?

Would I?

Right. Everybody here?

I've never heard ya sounded better, d'ya know that?

If only you played like that all the time!

-John Joe.

-Hi. Maggie, how you doing?

It beats the box any day.

-Evening, John Joe.

-Evening, all.

John Joe.

Ah, very good.

What the hell's Pat up to?

He's getting ready for next year.

He thinks we should surprise the Africans with a taste of their own medicine.

I said it him that needs the medicine.

Mind you,

if we could bottle him, we'd make ourselves a fortune.

Well, surely.

A shame he left the fiddle.

Ready, one, two.

Mind if I sit in?

It's better to gain a musician than to lose a daughter,

I always say.

-And what would Jimmy say?

-Feck him.

Ready, one, two.

No funny business, huh?

This means war!

# As I was going over

# The far-famed Kerry mountains

# I met with Captain Farrell

# Ad his money he was counting

# I first produced me pistol

# Then produced me rapier

# Saying "Stand and deliver"

# For you are the bold deceiver

# Wish a wack fall the diddle-a, wack fall the diddle-o

# Wack fall the diddle-o

# There's whiskey in the jar

# I counted out me money

# It made a pretty penny

# I put it in my pocket

# And gave it to my Jenny

# She sighed and she swore

# She never wanted to see me

# The devil take the women

# For they never can be easy

# Wish a wack fall the diddle-a, wack fall the diddle-o

# Wack fall the diddle-o

# There's whiskey in the jar

# I went to my chamber

# For to take a slumber

I dreamt of gold and jewels

# And for sure it was no wonder

# But Jenny took me charges

# And she filled them up with water

# And sent for captain Farrell

# To be ready for the slaughter

# Wish a wack fall the diddle-a, wack fall the diddle-o

# Wack fall the diddle-o

# There's whiskey in the jar

# 'Twas early in the morning

# Before I rose to travel

# The guards were all around me

# And likewise captain Farrell

# I then produced me pistol

# For she stole away me rapier

# I couldn't shoot the water

# So a prisoner I was taken

# Wish a wack fall the diddle-a, wack fall the diddle-o

# Wack fall the diddle-o

# There's whiskey in the jar

# If anyone can aid me

# 'Tis my brother in the army

# I think that he is stationed

# In Cork or in Killarney

# And if he'd come and join me

# We'll go rovin' in Kilkenny

# I swear he'd treat me better

# Than me darling sporting Jenny

# Wish a wack fall the diddle-a, wack fall the diddle-o

# Wack fall the diddle-o

# There's whiskey in the jar

# Wish a wack fall the diddle-a, wack fall the diddle-o

# Wack fall the diddle-o

# There's whiskey in the jar. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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