Trust the Man

This programme contains very strong language.

# ..There's a smile There's a smile

# Behind all of the rain

# There's a sunshine for miles and miles

# Oh, everything, everything

# You mean everything

# You mean everything Everything to me

# Everything to me

# The colours of your garden

# They're yellow, blue and green

# And the sound of your sweet voice

# It's better than all my dreams

# Oh, everything, everything

# You mean everything

# You mean everything

# Everything to me

# Everything to me

# You're my first thought in the morning

# When I rise

# Oh, when I rise

# And you're my last thought in the evening

# When I rest my head at night

# Oh, now, everything, everything

# You mean everything

# You mean everything

# Everything to me. #

-'I need help!'

-I'll go.

-Daddy, Daddy.

-Oh, don't worry, sweetheart. Dad'll be right back.

Daddy's not leaving, honey. He's just helping your brother in the bathroom.

It's OK. Hey, look at that!

What's going on?

I'm trying to poop, but I can't.

Just relax, David. Don't work so hard.

But my stomach hurts. I had to burp, I need to poop.

Well, sometimes if you just sit there, a fart will just work its way out.

-Who said anything about a fart?

-'Honey, The Terminix guy is finished.'

A fart's just as good as a burp, David, sometimes even better.

A fart, a burp or a poop... What am I talking about?

Mr Ponson, you have a problem.

Fantastic.

'Here it comes!'

-I gotta bring these galleys I proofed into work today.

-Shouldn't your boss be proofin' those?

Yeah, she should, but she's behind for maternity leave so I'm covering for her.

So much for taking the job so you can work on your book.

Anyway, it would be great if you could drive me.

-Oh, sweetie, I can't. Today is Monday.

-So?

Well, alternate side is in effect, so I gotta move the car.

Into another parking spot?

Yeah.

You're not going to drive me because you have to park the car on the other side of the street?

Well, you're oversimplifying it now.

-How's that? You only use the car when you need to drive it 10 feet into a legal parking spot.

-If I'm lucky.

That doesn't make any sense!

Look, if we're not gonna use it, will you just sell it?

I like knowing it's there. Booyah! Bam!

-Bam!

-Right. So if there's an emergency, we always have a way out of Manhattan.

Well, you laugh now, but that thing is fully equipped.

Tobey, you've got two bottles of water in there and four PowerBars. How far is that gonna get us?

The car has special meaning to me. Can you deal with that?

Why?

Look, if you must know,

the first time I saw you, I was in that car.

Fine.

I'll take a cab.

HE BREAKS WIND

-I gotta go.

-All right, baby. Later.

'Are you kiddin' me?'

WATER TRICKLING

-OK, so it sounds like everything's goin' good.

-Yeah.

Yeah.

-I mean, there's still all the same old issues.

-What are those? What are the same old issues?

Well, you know, like no sex.

-Well, that's your issue.

-I'd say that's OUR issue.

No. I'm just not a sex maniac like you are.

I'm not a maniac. I just like it.

Twice a day.

What is that look supposed to mean? It's not like I like to kill baby squirrels. I like to have sex.

-Always from behind.

-Now, that is a lie. That's a lie.

-You know it is not, Tom!

Sometimes, I would just like to look at you.

Maybe you'd have more luck if you did something a little more romantic.

The only way to approach you is from behind because your back's always turned to me.

I'm reading. I just like to have a minute to myself without you pawing at me all day.

Well, forgive me if I want to touch my wife.

Here's what I think. I think, if I may say,

we could get a lot more work done if you'd come in more than once a year.

Would you think about it?

-We'll think about it.

-Yeah.

Would you?

And, Tom...

..listen to Rebecca and don't, don't paw at her.

And just give her some space, OK?

And, Rebecca, think about having sex with Tom.

Possibly doggy style.

OK?

And I have your cell numbers, right?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Therapy always makes me so horny.

Did he actually say...

-"doggy style?"

-Yeah. I knew I liked that guy.

-I gotta go.

-No.

Tom, I have a rehearsal. Don't suck my face off.

-Did I tell you I had a dream last night that you gave me a blow job?

-Yeah. I had a dream

that I gave you a German Shepherd.

Unhand me. And remember, you're picking up David from school and we need milk.

I know. It's my new life - househusband.

Hey, dude. You asked for it.

Yo, Rebecca...

-Yeah, you leavin'?

-You wish!

Blow me, dickhead!

Megan Sweetlander's office. Please hold.

Megan Sweetlander's office. Please hold.

Megan Sweetlander's office. May I help you?

-Hey, it's me.

-Oh, God. I'm swamped here.

-'Oh, just hang up on them all.'

-PHONES CONTINUE TO RING

-RINGING STOPS I did it.

-Oh, my God, I was kidding!

Jesus, that felt good.

Hey, do you think I'm crazy?

Not compared to other actresses, no.

How often do you and my brother have sex?

Satisfying sex or just sex?

Oh, say no more.

I try to, but he won't listen.

Ha ha.

You know, we have good...

We have good sex.

-Sometimes.

-'Elaine!'

-Um, I really gotta go.

Do you ever worry that Tobey'll cheat on you?

Only with his therapist. I'm hanging up...

Er, unfortunately, we do not accept unsolicited manuscripts. Thank you.

-'You never have time for me any...'

-Elaine?

-Yes.

"A curveball is the speed of the air moving fast..."

-BABY CRIES

-Hey...

Hey, I'm just reading your article on wrist injuries in older pitchers. That's fascinating stuff.

Yep. I really blew the lid off carpal tunnel syndrome.

Well, at least you have a job. When Rebecca asked what I was doing this morning, I said, "the usual."

You think she knew that meant - breakfast, jerk off, nap, late lunch?

Yeah, well, maybe I shouldn't have quit advertising.

As I remember, you hated it, felt empty and hollow, worthless,

void of meaning, purposeless, any of this ring a bell?

It might be better than this. I'm beginning to feel like a kept boy.

-Only I don't know what I'm being kept for.

-Sex?

Sure, if you're up for it. Rebecca's not.

That's weird. She slept with everyone in high school.

And even when we do have sex, it's like she's not adventurous any more.

Cottage cheese.

It's like she used her sexual adventurousness to lure me in,

and it turns out she's just normal. She's just normal.

Mommy's just normal!

-I guess you hoped it'd be more like marrying a hooker, huh?

-Yeah. Except without the payment though.

Speaking of that, do you have another word for fish lover?

Hold on a second. ..Excuse me, sir.

Can we cut in front of you? We gotta get home for our nap.

We gotta rush. We're in a rush.

Erm...aficionado?

-Do you take milk?

-Oh.

I do, but I like to pour it myself.

Oh, yeah.

I just wanted to say, I think you're awesome, and I feel...

incredible to be able to, you know...

share the stage with you, Miss Pollack.

-Rebecca. What was your name again?

-Jasper.

-I had a puppy named Jasper.

-That's funny, because my last name is Bernard!

-Like Saint Bernard.

-Right.

-Like the dog.

-Right.

-Yeah.

OK. Well, I'll see you tomorrow. Oh!

Careful.

My dear.

-Do you have a moment?

-Oh, yeah.

I know you turned down a film to do this role, and I do appreciate that.

I do, however, feel the need to remind you that this is a play,

not a film, and it will require some projection.

-It was just a table read.

-No defences, OK?

Oh, Jasper!

Dad, I can't reach it. Help me!

Oh, you're close.

Reach.

Hey, Mom, I wanna take home mine too.

OK. Go ahead.

You know you're breaking the rules.

-What do you mean?

-That stuff's not supposed to go home till the end of the year.

Well, David told me he needed, he needed it.

Yeah? You also give him chocolate for dinner, right?

What are you, the room monitor or something?

No. It's refreshing to see someone breaking the rules. You're a rebel.

Mom, help me!

OK. Here we go. I'll help you too, David cos your dad

would leave you standing here all day.

-Wow, you're strong!

-Thank you.

If you tell, I'll say you did it, and they'll believe me.

Come on.

-Come back soon.

-Thank you.

-So how come only once a year?

-Well, you don't want to dissect it too much. It's like a tune-up.

If you go regularly, you just become one of those couples that disappears up their own assholes, you know?

As my father used to say.

Thank you for that image while I'm eating a whole fish.

-I don't think fish have assholes.

-Boys... No more use of that word while there's food on the table.

-Yeah. They got us.

-How's the play going?

-It's all right.

The director's sort of a pretentious moron.

-That's a drag.

-Hi, Roberto.

-Ciao, Miss Pollack.

-Um...

-(Asshole.)

-And this has got to be my last carbohydrate-heavy meal for a very long time.

-Are you kidding? You look great.

-How's the book?

-I think I'm done.

-Wow!

-I'm gonna start sending it out to agents.

-Yowsa!

-What?

-I don't know what makes me think I know anything about kids.

-No, it's a terrific idea...

-Oh, my God!

-That's Faith Faison.

-That's Faith Faison?

..He already wants to know when they're making it into a movie.

-She sees you.

-What are you doing?

-Sometimes, you get...

-Tasting the wine.

-..something caught in your mouth.

Tobey!

Aah...

Faith, wow!

How are you?

Oh, my God!

I can't believe you're here! Geez! Whoa!

Well, no, I always come here. You're not gonna find better Northern Italian food anywhere in the city.

-That's my husband.

-What?

-Oh! Well, that's my girlfriend of seven years, Elaine.

-Hi.

-Hi. It's nice to meet you.

-Congratulations on getting married.

Oh, thank you. Are you guys gonna?

What?

-We're married. And it's overrated.

-What?

-Uh oh!

I'd better go.

-So great to see you.

-Yeah. Yeah.

-Oh, Jesus Christ.

And I hope you don't mind me saying, but I love your work.

Thank you very much.

You hate that, don't you?

Bye.

So, who was that chick?

Who?

Tobey!

-You are the worst.

-What, Faith?

I don't know. Knew her in college.

Is she an old girlfriend?

No.

-She's pretty.

-Yeah.

You see her boyfriend?

I mean, do you have to work out every day?

Did you know, by the way, that muscle sinks faster in the pool?

He's her husband, actually.

Oh. Seems a little young for that, doesn't she?

You're the only one who thinks you have to be 40 to get married.

She probably wanted to do it before she was completely barren.

Oh! That reminds me.

I taped the, er, documentary for you on the Serengeti.

Tobey! I said Ferlinghetti.

It was for work.

Oh.

-Well, hey, come on. Serengeti's cool. Right?

-Yeah.

It's great.

See? I'm fun.

Mmm. Who knew lobster cannelloni was an aphrodisiac?

-Is that what this is?

-No. It's lobster Ponson.

You pay Maria when we get home and then meet me in the bedroom.

-Like for sex?

-Don't ruin it.

-Thank you so much.

-Thank you.

The kids were great.

-The kids love you.

-David drew a big picture of baboon, and the little girl...

That's great. You get home safe.

-Thank you very much.

-Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I, er, I have to go to the bathroom.

I'm gonna get a drink.

Mmm!

TOILET FLUSHES

SHE CHOKES

MUSIC: "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye

What the hell? Huh?

Oh!

Uh! Uh!

-Uh! Uh!

-Agh!

It was my last night of carbs and I wanted to take advantage of it.

You know, sometimes it's those near-death experiences

that make us wanna participate in life that much more.

I can still kinda taste the throw up.

Good.

Whoa, whoa! Oh!

Bouncy, bouncy.

Bouncy, bouncy. Just one more thing, then we're gonna go home, OK?

-Is that it?

-Let me get one of those.

-This one?

-No, no, no. Three down from Sports World and one to the left.

-Uh...this one?

-No, no. Your other left. Diagonal from there.

Shaved?

Ah, good one!

That's 3.15... Here. Candy for the baby.

-Good man.

-And the candy, one dollar.

No, I don't wanna be too hard on him.

It's just that I feel like he's not directed, and that makes him unhappy.

And the more unhappy he gets, the more desperate he gets.

-And the more desperate he gets, the less I wanna have sex with him.

-Oh. For Tobey,

desperation is foreplay.

You know, I should probably be...

more attentive.

-Or at least permissive.

-Do you ever wonder what your life would be like if you'd chosen someone different?

Like, OK, I was on the train the other day.

This guy was sitting across from me.

He was wearing this big, cosy Vermonty sweater.

Just seemed...

old fashioned, like he probably had tons of kids

who climb all over him at bedtime. They go sledding in the winter.

Pick flowers in the spring.

Kill deer in the fall.

No. I just did not expect to want to have a baby this soon.

A baby?

Oh, I don't know.

All of a sudden, it just...

-feels right.

-Honey, you're so young, you know?

-And Tobey, he's just like a teenager with a checking account.

-Excuse me.

These are from the young man over in the corner.

He wanted you to know that you are, "like, awesome."

Who is that?

See ya at rehearsal.

I'll tell ya later.

-That was kinda fun.

-Yeah.

Maybe I should become a first grade teacher.

-Who was that mother you were talking to?

-Who?

Oh, that's, uh, that's Shannon's mom, you know?

She's a divorcee, right?

I don't think anybody's used that term since, like 1954.

-She's pretty.

-I guess.

You know, uh, you do kinda owe me.

-I owe you?

-And I know you're tired.

But I have a way where you don't have to exert any energy at all.

Do you have to wear your retainer?

If that's one of your tapes, you can forget it.

# Da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da-da Da-da! Da-da! Da-da... #

OK. Here's how it's gonna go down.

I'm gonna close my eyes and you have to tell me everything that's happening on TV.

No way in hell I'm gonna do that.

It's either that, or actual sex.

You make the call.

This is erotic for you?

-OK.

-Oh. No, no, no.

OK. There's some kind of a credit sequence happening.

Just, uh, it's very simple.

-Black on white titles.

-OK, Scorsese.

Save your breath for the good stuff.

Now there's some people...in the worst set design I have ever seen.

-Come on.

-OK. Um, OK, no, here they go. Here they go.

Wow. Um, yeah, pants are off.

Dress is off. Penis is hard. They're starting.

A little less like a list, please.

Oh, Jesus.

-What?

-This guy's dick is green and kind of crooked.

It's like, twice the size of yours!

Another, um, another woman's coming in.

-Yeah?

-She is Chinese.

-Nice.

-No. No.

-Uh, Filipino.

-OK.

She's hiking up her uniform.

And that is a terrible wax that she has. It's all irritated.

And, what would you call that?

Um... I guess it's a piercing.

I really don't know how to describe it accurately, but whatever it is, it's flaring the lens.

# Have a hap, hap, happy Christmas... #

Ho, ho, ho! Cookie, sir?

No, thank you.

# ..Let the music fill the air

# Have a hap, hap, happy Christmas

# You're sweet as sugar to me You're my apple pie... #

SHOUTING

Well, the most important thing is to remain calm.

Honey. Honey.

Calm down. Let's just start again.

Take the cable remote...

The one that says cable. That's right. Hit the power button.

What do you see?

OK. Well, you probably just changed the channel on the TV.

So get the TV remote.

Not cable, but TV...

That's right. Hit three.

..Nope. That's impossible.

Is the TV plugged in?

I would like to have electronic freedom. Um...

You must have a VCR and a cable box.

Does your...wife have this much trouble?

Let's not go there again, shall we, Tobey?

Why is it so important for you to know about my personal life? Hmm?

Let's keep this about you.

Um...you haven't mentioned death today.

There is a phrase that you've uttered in, um,

yes, in every session, so far.

"I mean, we're all going to die.

"Doesn't that freak you out?"

And you never answer me.

Actually, it does seem to me that this whole kind of television...

TiVo tangent thing is really an elaborate avoidance for what's really going on.

Oh.

And what's really going on?

You tell me.

-Oh!

-Come on, baby!

-Oh!

Oh, my God!

-Wow.

-Ah...

Wow. That was...that was good.

Phew!

I mean, the candles and the whole lighting design in general.

-Thank you.

-That was some setup.

-Yeah.

-You were like, um,

-that guy from the Yankees.

-HE CHUCKLES

That one. That... That pitcher that they bring in at the end.

-Mariano Rivera, the closer?

-Yeah.

Huh. Huh. Heh!

He always looks so confident, like he's gonna do whatever it takes.

You know, he almost never loses a game.

I bet he's got a really big family.

-No.

-Oh, I love those big Spanish families, you know?

You know, they've got lots and lots of kids.

Well, they're Catholic. They're not allowed to use birth control.

That's not what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about...

valuing cultural reproduction.

Well, maybe if they valued cultural reproduction a little less, we wouldn't be in the middle of a...

population explosion that's...

running the risk of using up all our natural resources.

I know you don't think that.

I do?

Do you believe in fate?

I'm not talking about the fact that we're all fated to death, but...

the fact that there are some things that are meant to happen and some things that are not meant to happen.

-I have no idea!

-You don't, do you?

DOOR SLAMS

PHONE RINGS

Ponson, Ponson, Ponson, Hirsch, Jacoby & Ponson.

What's another kind of flower you can get a woman, other than a rose?

-What about an orchid?

-'You kidding?'

That's even more expensive.

Well, it must be an important occasion.

'Just trying not to get kicked out of my house.'

-You could go down to Central Park and pull up something for free.

-'That's not a bad idea.'

But I'd have to wrap it myself.

Elaine is not going to kick you out of the house.

-She mentioned fate.

-Uh-oh! I'd spring for the orchid.

What kind of porn you looking at?

Good old-fashioned man-woman, woman-horse stuff.

-'You're such a purist.'

-I am. I thought you were supposed to become less horny when you turned 40.

-What?

-'You can't give a woman berries, can you?'

-Oh, I've taken a wrong turn somewhere.

-Ooh, I've gotta go! I think I found the flowers I want.

Hi, oh!

-Hello?

-'What kinda sale we talkin' about?'

HORSE NEIGHS

How did I get in here?

-I'm gonna throw it to you next... Good throw.

-Me! Me!

-Mr Ponson!

Mr Ponson, throw it to me!

Hold on. I'm gonna throw one to Liam.

-That was like fishing.

-Hey.

-It's the rebel without a cause.

-Hey.

-Sorry, Mr Ponson.

-Nice catch.

-Hi.

Uh, listen. The kids and I, we're going up to Serendipity to...

celebrate the anniversary of their father leaving us.

-Hi, Mommy.

-Hi, honey.

Do you guys wanna come along?

-Wait. So you wrote that?

-Uh huh.

-I love that commercial.

-Oh...

"Got milk?" God, it just cuts through all the bullshit. It's...

It's inspired.

Well, I wouldn't say it's inspired. It's just simple.

So what did you do, like take time off to write a book, or something?

Uh, no. Not exactly. I've thought about that, but...

Oh, you should. You'd be great. Really.

I have a sense about these things. Here...

Yep.

Author.

Definitely.

-You see that, there?

-Yeah, I do.

"Surrounded by friends, she was happy and snug.

"She smiled to herself and said, 'Maybe life in the big city

"'isn't that bad after all.' The end."

Wow.

It would be crazy not to publish this immediately.

It's very timely.

It's about a little girl battling a dragon.

Right, but with women's lib and all.

You see my point.

Oh, my God! I hope they like it!

They're gonna love it.

There's one thing.

Oh, Tobey, come on. The book is finished.

Please, I can't make any more changes.

Hey, it's not about the content of the book, OK?

It's about the presentation.

-OK.

-OK?

This picture?

Just seems so goody good.

Well, it is a children's book.

Right. I know that. But the people who publish it aren't children.

This is, you know, just it's just slightly annoying, you know?

Show some cleavage.

You actually think I should show cleavage?

Mmm. Yes, I...

That's what I'm talkin' about.

-Are you crazy?

-What? Kids, they love the beach.

And this shows them that you're fun.

Don't underestimate that.

Wait a second.

You don't think it's a little...

too much?

I wanna pay attention to that girl.

Standing at three foot seven, weighing in at 47 pounds of strapping lefty, digs in.

Got a hold of that!

-That's a home run!

-Yep.

Touch 'em all.

Hello! What's goin' on?

Just a little thing that we like to call spoonball.

Oh. OK. Well, Mommy's home.

Spoonball is over before someone gets hurt.

Aw, come on, Mom.

Yeah, come on, Mom. It's the bottom of the ninth!

We should be having boy time because my dad made me have girl time.

What do you mean, honey?

-Dad made me have a play date with Shannon from my class.

-Really?

-Nobody made you do anything, David. They invited us to Serendipity.

-Oh, really? They?

Come on, Dad. Pitch it!

Yep. OK.

Ow! Oh!

Ahh...

Oh, my... Tom!

-Goddamn it!

-Let me see.

Dude, you only get one.

This is a complicated one. I gotta get the wording right. Got it.

THEY CHEER I gotta hit the head.

-So?

-Please don't ask her anything inappropriate in front of me.

-I can ask her whatever I want.

For such a closed-off person, it's like you have no boundaries.

It's better than living surrounded by the Great Wall of China.

What does that mean?

-You know what that means?

-Mm hmm.

It means you're closed off.

Like a Chinese person?

No. It means you like to talk, but about nothing important so whenever your emotion or resentment

or dark stuff builds up, you throw a spoon at me.

-I didn't throw the spoon. David threw the spoon.

-Shut up.

We only have a minute before he gets back from the bathroom.

So, um, anything come up?

Did he say anything at all?

-No. He's been really busy.

-Busy? Tobey, busy?

-Stay out of it.

-It's fine! It's just our lifestyle these days.

I mean, it's not just our lifestyle.

It's our whole society's lifestyle, you know?

I mean, there are a lot of people who are tethered

by an old fashioned sense of love and, er, family...

and sometimes I look at them and I wonder

if living such a simple life can actually be completely gratifying,

and if they understand how rich and fertile

living in the grey area is.

I mean, it's all really about being happy.

-Right?

-Honey.

-No.

Do I wish that there was a little bit more romance?

Yes. Of course I do. But it's an ebb, a flow.

It's shifting, and I'm on that journey.

-What'd I miss?

-That's all there is to it.

Honey. Looks like I finally digested that corn.

TOM SPLUTTERS

What?

-How much further?

-Just one more block.

Come on. We're close.

Why'd you park so far away?

This is the only legal spot after 11.

What the fuck?

What?

My car is gone!

It was right here!

Well, they probably towed it.

Can we just get a cab? I'm freezing.

But this is a legal spot!

They didn't tow this guy's car! Oh, I swear to God!

Tobey, would you shut up? Please!

All right. It's...it's OK, Elaine.

They just tow it to the pound.

We can get it out.

SHE SOBS

I want to get married and have a baby!

And you don't.

OK. Let's just get a cab.

Oh, I have wasted seven years of my life with you!

Oh, shit.

I need you to find somewhere else to stay tonight.

Hey!

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Honey. Honey, what is it?

What happened?

Aw, sweetie. He did?

PHONE RINGS

Hey, what's going on? Rebecca's on the other line with her right now.

-Hi, Tom.

-Pamela?

I hope I'm not getting you at a bad time.

Erm, no, no.

I was just, er, relieving myself.

-What?

-I mean, er...

-Hello?

-I mean I'm just... I'm relieved that it's you.

-Good.

MUSIC: "Don't Mean You Lost Your Love" by Libby Johnson

Come in.

-Hey.

-Hi.

-You all right?

-Oh, yeah.

You look a little tense.

Oh.

Oh!

Have you ever had a...

Ever had a problem, you know?

I guess you haven't been listening to me for the last 15 years.

No, like, like... like another woman problem?

Issue.

What, do you have one?

Tom?

Please don't say anything.

-I'm not sure what's going...

-Hey!

-Hi!

-Hey!

Oh! You're the last person I expect to see.

Yeah, well. Here I am.

Eating soup.

Yeah.

-Yeah. You remember Tom?

-Hi.

Are you OK? You look tired.

Uh, well, actually...

Elaine and I split up...

..about, about three weeks ago.

-Oh, God, I'm sorry.

-Yeah, well, it was a long relationship.

-You know what? I'm gonna go.

-OK...

-Wait. I thought we were gonna go see a movie together.

-I gotta check something out.

-Hey, watch where you're going, asshole.

-Sorry.

-Shit!

-Honey! Honey, look who's here.

See this prick that just knocked me? I shoulda smacked him upside the head.

No. No, don't do that. Honey, remember Tobey?

-Hey. What's up, bro?

-Hey.

-All right.

-Oh!

Paper covers rock.

Remember that?

Hey, do you like music?

You know, cos Rand is promoting this great new club and it's really, it's really hot.

-Yeah.

-Oh!

Oh, well, I'd love to. I mean, if that's an invitation.

Absolutely!

Yes, I just need an email address.

Er...yeah.

It's...

A S...

S M...

A N 2 0 4 at AOL dot com.

SHE LAUGHS

Got it.

-1 through 203 were taken.

-OK.

-Well, I will email you the details then.

-All right.

-Assman!

-My man.

-Hi, are you Norah?

-Norah.

Wow! Hi. I'm so sorry I'm late.

I was afraid that they weren't gonna let you sit down.

Oh, it was difficult, but I finally managed to persuade them.

SHE LAUGHS

I never imagined when I submitted my book that it would elicit a response from the head of the company.

I'm grateful you agreed to see me, actually.

Are you kidding?

Do you know who you are?

-I think so.

-I'm sorry.

That was crass.

I just got out of a relationship with a crass man, nothing to do with gardening.

Anyway, I don't know. I say these things.

I don't know where they come from.

-Excuse me. I'm so sorry.

-Are you OK?

-I'm fine. Are you OK? Jesus!

-I'm fine. I'm just wet. You're choking.

No, because I called. Because I left a message for you.

Would you just fuck you for just a...

I'm sorry. Look, I'm really sorry.

Excuse me.

Yeah... No, I'm fine. No, you know, I'm a little tense today.

Susie, you know I

I love talking to you, but I don't think that on my cell phone right now is...

She called me this morning and she's screaming at me.

I'm really in very bad shape.

Basically, I'm exhausted. The bank is calling me all the time and

the contractor called twice.

I don't know what the fuck I'm doing here.

Really, really difficult day.

The lady who lives upstairs from me, that horrible bitch?

CAR HORNS BEEP

HE SHOUTS: Douche bag!

I want to start off this meeting by first thanking Sensei Goldberg for the use of his dojo.

THEY APPLAUD

I would like to also welcome the Sensei as our newest member

of the Broadway division of Sex Addicts R' Us.

So that means if you are here for the previously scheduled seminar

on owning your orgasm, you're in the wrong place.

-Shit...

-It's been moved to the basement of Our Lady of Poland on 34th Street.

-34th?

-Yeah.

Are you here for the meeting?

-What? The meeting?

-Yes.

The meeting?

Yeah. The meeting. Yeah. I thought I'd check it out.

Welcome...

-Your name?

-Tobey.

ALL: Hi, Tobey.

Well, my friend Rebecca says...

She thinks that men are never really ready to have a baby and that you have to trap them.

-What do you think?

-I don't really think about it.

But I certainly think you shouldn't be spending your energy trying to trap a man.

You're way too talented.

I believe in fate.

I think you're meant to have this time, Elaine. You're meant to...

..to explore.

Sounds like you need it.

I don't know what I need.

Well, I think, you know more than you're willing to admit.

This is me.

Oh. Sweet.

Thank you so much for lunch and for the walk.

It was delicious, don't you think?

Yes.

So do you think there's any chance you're gonna publish my book?

You know, Elaine, you're a very talented young woman

and, quite frankly,

I was very taken with the photo you sent with your submission.

But I want to be honest with you.

I don't like to rush these things.

-I like to go slow.

-OK.

So let's meet and see how it goes.

OK.

Hey, get a room!

It was never enough.

No matter how many times,

different positions,

none of it made me feel whole.

In fact, it just made me feel empty.

How's the sandwich?

OK, so...just to recap.

Er, John is not happy unless he can fit his penis

inside a hard, inanimate object.

Preferably coarse.

Right...

Sarah, you had a relapse this week,

again putting yourself in danger with a power tool.

And, er, Gordon.

The sex you are having with your wife's mother and your

wife's mother's sister is putting your home life in major jeopardy.

That leaves...Tobey.

-I'll pass.

-Great.

Sandwich guy's gonna pass?

Great. Very trusting.

It's traditional that everyone shares.

Well...

I've been having an affair.

With a woman...

..who is not my wife.

And, erm...

I, er...

I like her to wrap me in deli meats.

I need her

to wrap me in deli meats in order to achieve an orgasm.

Usually ham.

Thinly sliced.

I know it's not normal.

No-one here knows what that word means, Tobey.

You're amongst friends.

Continue.

And hand me the sandwich.

Am I allowed to wear fur?

Do I, like, give off that vibe?

-Is she attractive?

-So funny.

Afterwards, all I wanted to do was tell Tobey.

He'd have died of excitement, a possible threesome.

I had a threesome once. It was with two guys who turned out to be gay.

I was just kind of the window dressing.

It all made sense in retrospect, but I can't tell you

what it did for my self esteem.

Yeah, it seems really damaged.

What does that mean?

Nothing.

You know, I don't get what people think of me? That I have no problems or feelings, I'm perfect,

I'm like a robot?!

No, honey. Nobody thinks that.

We all think you're great.

We all have problems.

You know, I always thought of a relationship as two people holding a stick.

Sometimes the stick is short, you're close and can look into each other's eyes and other times

it's long, you can barely see the other but you both hold on to your end of the stick.

You don't let it drop.

I'm OK. I'm just stressed.

We should go out.

Just you and me.

SHE GASPS

-Jesus, what?

-I just thought of a great guy for you.

Oh...I don't know.

No weapons in the club. If you've got a weapon, you gotta give 'em up at the door.

-No exceptions.

-Would you move?

All right, make room for her.

Hey, Wall Street, make way for the lady.

-Hey.

-How are you?

Good to see you. Have a good time.

-Hey, you're here.

-I'm glad I didn't bring my piece.

Hi. How are you?

-Where's, where's...

-Rand? He couldn't make it.

Oh, I'm sorry he couldn't make it.

-He, er...

-I'm not!

Oh, come on. Let's dance.

Oh, no, no... No, no, I don't...

-That's not really my thing.

-Come on!

More of a slow dancer.

All right.

APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Hey, baby, will you hold this for me? Thank you. Hold my horn.

That's a little something we call Serenade For A French Horn in F sharp.

This next one...

we call Juniper.

And if any of you out there know what a juniper plant is,

I think you'll understand.

Peace.

My God. He just bowed to you.

-It wasn't to me.

-It wasn't to me. He doesn't even know me.

I told him all about you already.

-When?

-On the phone.

-Oh, my God.

I didn't even bow back.

# I can't wait for you

# Anymore... #

I'll introduce you to him after and you can bow then.

# Closing the front door

# Air travel makes me ill

# Think I'll take another pill

# Cos you're here, Juniper... #

Hey, you guys, that was great. So flowing, man. I could feel it tonight.

Hey! How's the comedienne?

-Oh, my God. Oh!

-Ooh!

-Oh, dizzy.

-You taste as good as ever.

You were great. You were great tonight.

You were really good.

Well, I was just working off that energy that you were sending up to me.

Phew! You have a really beautiful voice.

Well, I can't take credit for that, you know?

It's all the big man.

# Hey! #

You know, ever since I became a minister, my vocal range has just gotten insane.

You're a minister?

Yes, yes. But don't worry, ministers are free to fornicate.

Should we get a drink?

Lots of 'em.

Go! Go!

THEY CHANT: Tobey! Tobey! Tobey! Tobey!

Tobey! Tobey! Tobey!

Tobey! Tobey! Tobey!

Tobey! Tobey!

GLASS SMASHING Ow! Watch it!

-Dante.

-Lewis, buddy.

Good to see you.

What is the deal with you two?

Oh, come on, "you taste as good as ever"?

We had a thing in college.

I didn't tell you because I didn't want to discourage you.

Mmm.

He's sexy!

And very attentive.

Oh.

He really is a freak, isn't he?

You don't have to marry the guy.

So, what are we gonna do about this?

-This?

-Mm-hm.

Oh, come on. Don't tell me you haven't thought about it.

Every time we've seen each other since college.

Oh, I've thought about it...

Sure, you're, you're...

I'm what?

Very...

Very what?

Talk dirty to me.

You taste amazing.

Thank you.

Erm, could you, could you stop doing whatever that it is that you were just doing

and...

leave?

Oh...

I would be wearing...

..shorts.

And you would...

..be in a swimsuit?

Oh, God. Just relax.

I'm sorry.

It's just, you know, you have a...

husband.

Rand.

What kind of name is that anyway?

Aah, Mm-mm.

No, doesn't matter. OK?

None of it matters, Tobey.

-Hmm? What? What's that mean?

-I mean, in 50 years, we're gonna be dead

and nobody's gonna remember us or even know we existed. So, come on...

In 50 years, I'm only gonna be 86.

Mmm. Whatever!

My point is that this is all so temporary so let's just enjoy it.

Please?

DOOR BUZZER

Elaine!

Elaine!

Elaine... Is asleep.

She's gone to bed.

Er, wait...

HE STAMMERS

You were just up there?

Yes. Yes, I was.

Nothing to write home about.

I think I got a song out of it.

HE HUMS

Why would you do that? You know I invited Elaine and her new boyfriend.

I know, but he just looked so pathetic. And, you know...I forgot.

You did not forget, Tom.

He's just blathering on about how much he misses Elaine.

He can't function without her. He's gotta see her.

-I wanted somebody here who doesn't know anything about the theatre, somebody to talk to.

-Fine.

He's sitting far away from Elaine.

Next to Amis.

-The guy in the yellow turtleneck? Rebecca, he's your brother. Don't do that to him.

-Hey!

-My man.

-I, er...brought a bottle of wine.

-Thank you.

-That's what you do at a dinner party, right?

-Very grown-up.

-Yep. Hey!

-Hi. How are you?

Hello? >

Your door was wide open.

-Hi, my name's Tom.

-You look so pretty.

-Thank you.

Goren. Nice to meet you.

Hi, Elaine.

Hi, hi. Nice to see you...again!

Oh, wow! Wow, that was a lot of kisses!

Hello!

Hey! Tobey.

To-bey. To-bey.

Let me take your coat.

-Hiya.

-Yeah.

-Here you go. Yeah. Take your coat too. Take it off.

-All right.

Oh, the theatre. No, no, no... the theatre is completely different.

I mean, it's all star-driven, you know? Stars, stars, stars.

They can't walk. They can't talk.

I mean, it's just like the film industry, where you hail from, my dear.

Actually, Amis, I hail from New Jersey.

No? New Jers...

Charming. Charming as ever.

Tom, you are a lucky man.

Spunk doesn't usually come in such a beautiful package.

TOBEY LAUGHS

You know, I...

I think it's this, uh these departures...

from the literatures which makes it worse in this societies.

It goes, er, the wrongest.

What do you mean, Goren?

No. No, yeah...

It's... Because it is this, uh, connection between

the past and the futures.

Er...well, because it was there before any of the other arts.

-Except painting.

-And dance.

-This is great wine.

-Isn't it?

So, Goren, are you...

technically a citizen?

There are more than one, erm, places for which, erm, to be citizens with than this one.

So, you're on a limited visa or something?

CLATTERING

ELAINE COUGHS

You all right?

ELAINE COUGHS

-I am. I'm...

-You OK?

SHE CONTINUES TO COUGH

TOBEY COUGHS

Wow! This is good soup.

SHE MOUTHS

SHE SIGHS

Tobey! We can't do this.

What do you mean? It's all right.

They're... you know...

We're not together anymore.

Do you get that?

But it's not right for me, Elaine.

I mean,

it's Tobey and Elaine.

That sounds right to me.

Those two names. They...they... they go together.

That's your plea?

That our names go together?

It seems right.

It's not right.

I'm just starting with someone new, and I'm happy.

That... that...that...

sprocket out there?

He's...he's...he's...

-in a unitard, for Christ sakes!

-ELAINE LAUGHS

Better. That is the Tobey that I know.

Oh, oh, oh!

"I think The Canterbury Tales really provides a basis for all of ze modern literatures.

-"And watch me dance."

-You know, you're right, Tobey.

You hit the nail on the head! He is...

-a pretentious sprocket.

-Yes!

He's a pretentious sprocket

with a huge cock!

N... Well, he... he... he... does not look

like he has a huge cock!

Well, he does.

And you...

you don't know what a relationship is.

Boy, that water pressure in there really sucks.

It's been a long time, hasn't it?

-Where'd she find this guy, Zorro, anyway?

-It's Goren.

And let's not talk about him.

I gotta be up early for Mommy And Me.

OK.

That's not really fair to say, now, is it?

We've known each other a long time. We deserve each other's honesty.

I have been in love with you since the moment I saw you.

You only think you have.

What's the difference?

That's a cocksucker of a speech. I get it right?

How come I didn't get the cursing gene?

I've never had this much trouble remembering my lines.

It must be menopause.

Becca, you're 38. Would you please not talk about your vagina? You're my sister.

Bad enough my best friend has sex with you.

Walk back to the theatre with me, would you?

HORNS BLARE

HORNS BLARE

Hey! What the fuck?

Hey!

Hey, Evel Knievel, what the fuck?

Since when do you smoke?

I know he's seeing someone.

You know, I wasn't really sure, but that look confirmed it.

That's not fair. You said you already knew he was.

-So he is?

-No! I...

I mean, I know nothing.

I'm not the guy who tells someone something like that. I refuse to be forced into being that guy.

This is not about you,

you little fucking twit.

-Well, I... Hey, you hit me!

-You know, Tom's right about you.

You're...what'd he call you?

The play-by-play guy. What you call the guy who sits -

talks about everything that's going on without playing?

Never fucking participating.

Just letting life pass you by.

Never participating!

Well, if I'm that guy, then he's the quarterback

who wants to screw everything with two legs!

To...continue the...

the...the metaphor, that is.

Fuck!

Thanks for reading with me, Tobey.

I'm sorry. I'm so...

Oh, hey.

-Aaargh!

-Oh!

Aaah!

Cosmos, would you be a sweetheart, and let Mr. Ponson in?

He's already here, Mom.

So they're really that sensitive, huh?

Women don't seem to believe that, but, yes, they are.

Oh, so now I'm being lumped with all women?

Pamela, we need to talk about something.

No.

I know what you're gonna say. And you're right.

But I don't want to.

Look, I can't... I can't do this anymore.

We have to stop this.

SHE SIGHS

THUNDER

HORNS BLARE

Hey, you wanna see what Cosmos taught me?

Sure. Oooh!

'Mommy!'

Hey, is that my big boy?

-Hi, sweetheart.

-We didn't expect you to be home.

-Well, I missed my family, so I came home early.

-Mmm.

-Are you wearing cologne?

-No.

David learned some interesting things on his play date today.

Oh, really, like what?

I learned how to silence someone!

-How do you do that?

-You hit them in the balls.

Oh.

Yep.

That sounds like a good idea.

OK, everybody, let's get ready for dinner. Come on. Let's go.

Whoops. OK.

Here you go, buddy.

Table for one. Watch your hand.

-Here you go. Oops, sorry.

-Oops.

-There you go.

-Thanks.

-Enjoy.

-You OK?

-Um...

I'm thinking about dropping out of the play.

What? Why?

Things aren't working out the way I want them to.

Aw, you'll do great. Rebecca, you always have these moments of doubts before an opening.

Not about so many things.

What are you doing, Tom?

I look at you, I feel like I don't even know who you are anymore.

And maybe that's my fault.

No. It's not your fault.

I...er...

I just...

I feel lost.

And er...

I don't know who I am right now.

SHE SIGHS

You should leave, Tom.

Till you figure it out.

We can't do it for you.

What a good boy.

Eating all that spaghetti.

Sorry, I'm late. It's all the idiots.

-Tobey.

-Could you explain the psychology behind people who wait in line at the store

and don't take their money out until their total is rung up, as if it's a surprise?

"Oh, you want money for this?

"Well, I had no idea.

"Wait, while I unzip my fanny pack,

"and dig through my man-purse for my wallet."

So, do you think you might be avoiding the issue?

What issue is that?

That you've been following me?

TOBEY LAUGHS INCREDULOUSLY

I think not!

Oh! Oh! That was you? I thought it might have been,

but there was just, you know, so much of a coincidence.

What were you hoping to find out, Tobey?

That I'm a Libra?

That I had a heart attack?

Oh, you had a heart attack?

I also had a withholding father, and an inappropriate mother.

And when I was 20, I had a nervous breakdown.

And...I think it's time to terminate your therapy.

I'm sorry?

Well, this is not working out.

Well, Tobey, not for you, and not for me.

OK.

Have a little trust, Tobey.

The world is not against you.

I mean, no wonder his advice was so bad.

He had a nervous breakdown.

A heart attack. Messed-up parents.

I mean, could he be any more unhealthy?

He said something to me, though, when I left, that really bugged me.

He said, "The world is not against you, Tobey.

"Have a little trust."

Well, that kinda goes against my whole philosophy.

The world is not against me - huh? Then how do you explain my life?

Jesus Christ! Can you just shut up?

I mean, I don't have time for this bullshit about your shrink.

Have you noticed that I've been kicked out of my house and my life is falling apart?

Oh, yeah. OK.

I gotta go.

Do you think I should get Botox?

-Definitely.

-Really?

-Uh-huh.

If you wanna lose me as your friend.

You're so strict.

Saw that bitch at school. She actually said hi to me.

What did you do?

Oh, I showed her.

I said hi back and smiled. And then I just walked away.

She must be reeling.

REBECCA SIGHS

-How are the kids doing?

-They're OK.

He comes by to see them every day.

I just can't bear to look at him.

He's in that overly sweet, hangdog stage,

where I could set him on fire, and he'd thank me for it.

It's not a bad idea.

How's Goren The Terrible?

Terribly boring.

He does wanna have a baby, though.

Hey, can I have a blintz?

This early? It's all I've been thinking about since last night.

It's an acceptable crossover food, right?

Why do you think we're such wise-asses?

Probably a good way to avoid thinking that we're all gonna die.

When are you gonna get over that?

Um...

Never.

It's a pretty big deal.

You know what I think?

I think it's a good way to avoid taking responsibility for anything.

It's like, "Hey, we're only joking, right? We're all gonna die, right?"

We miss the biggest moments of our lives - all we talk about is sports, blintzes.

It's just it's, uh...

it's pretty depressing not living with your kids.

Or the woman you love.

Or the woman that you love.

Just because you happen to be an immensely flawed and selfish human being.

Hey...

you're not so great yourself.

TOM LAUGHS

I think the blintz is fully acceptable as a crossover food.

And I would like one myself.

You're the man.

No, you the man.

Up top.

'I guess the first thing I should say is that my name is not Tobey.'

It's Todd.

ALL: Hi, Todd.

No, it's not... It's...er...Tom.

My name is Tom.

It really is, OK?

And...secondly, I have no relation at all to deli meats.

I just made it up to try to fit in.

Um...

I... I don't know what I am, but I'm pretty sure that I have a problem.

Although, not as..as...as big a problem as all of you seem to have.

Erm... Anybody else hot?

TOM CLEARS HIS THROAT

I...

I also use humour,

and complaints about the temperature...

as a way of diverting attention...

..from the...very serious fact...

that I'm ruining my life.

And, uh...

I just...I just thought it would do me some good

to tell my real story here today.

So...

Er...

I...er...

I come from...

a family of poor peasants.

LAUGHTER

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm just kiddin'.

# I've come over to the other side

# Now I've stopped looking back

# At myself... #

PHONE RINGS

# And letting go

# Of the way I felt... #

Oh!

It's hims, again.

# And I've been looking for a reason

# To doubt you

# But this faith is all I find

# And I've been thinking 'bout going away

# But you made me change my mind... #

CHEERING