Two Men Went to War


Two Men Went to War

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-SOLDIER:

-By the left, quick march!

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Left, right, left, right...

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LAIDBACK SWING MUSIC

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..left, right, left, right...

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PLANE FLIES OVERHEAD

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..left, right, left, right, left, right...

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left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right...

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NEWSREEL VOICEOVER: 'Meanwhile, on the home front,

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'the war has come to the kitchen.

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'Up and down the country,

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'housewives are showing the enemy what they're made of.

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'Well done, Mrs Jones.

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'Who would've guessed that a turnip could go so far?'

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HEROIC MUSIC

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'The German pocket battleships Scharnhorst and Gneisenau

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'are still hiding in the port of Brest,'

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'dodging the Allied bombing raids.

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'The Atlantic won't be safe

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'until they're once and for all beneath the waves.

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'As the Prime Minister is piped aboard one of our finest naval destroyers,

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'Winston Churchill is proud to thank

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'the boys who have been keeping our convoys safe.'

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-Excuse me.

-'Thank you, able seamen.

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'Keep up the good work and keep Britannia ruling...'

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Excuse me.

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'Lord Louis Mountbatten salutes his heroes home.

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'Following the extraordinary bravery shown by his newly formed commandos,

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'Lord Louis is pleased to shake the hand

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'of the men who have shaken Jerry's rigging.'

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GUNFIRE ON NEWSREEL SOUNDTRACK

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'Their valiant raid on the western isles of Norway

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'have been a triumph of military strategy.

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'One grenade in the right place and bang goes another Jerry HQ.

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'So watch out, Adolf. Who knows where our boys will strike next?'

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By the right, quick march!

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Left, right, left, right, left, right,

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left, right, left, right...

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MAN: 'Fighting a war means doing one's job.

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'And in the field of battle, gentlemen,

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'every second counts.

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'One mistake, one small miscalculation,

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'and the results can be catastrophic.'

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Let me tell you a story.

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I was sitting in a shell hole, surrounded by the enemy,

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with not much left of the chap to the right of me.

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Chap to the left was no better off.

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Sitting beside me was a young soldier in screaming agony.

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Never seen anything like it.

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Rocking like a child, clutching his head and calling for his mother.

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Believe me, gentlemen, toothache in the field is no joke.

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Know what I did?

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I made a stopper out of some brackish mud,

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a shell case from my .38 and a clove of garlic.

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Chap was back on his feet and back in action in under two minutes.

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And the enemy ran like buggery when they smelled him coming.

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But I'm serious, gentlemen. What we do here is front-line stuff.

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PLANES DRONE OVERHEAD

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Alright, alright, we've all seen the RAF before.

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We all know what they do.

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While they do their bit, we'll do ours

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with an impression tray, a clear head

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and poli-pliers - the only weapons you need.

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So, let's get started, shall we?

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Three reasons why we use potassium sulphate...

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PLANES CONTINUE DRONING OVERHEAD

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SERGEANT YELLS

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What are you looking at? You haven't seen a Lancaster before?

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-Pay attention to me.

-PLANES CONTINUE DRONING

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Move!

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Wouldn't you say, Cuthbertson?

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Sir?

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Your war effort is here in this room, Private.

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So let's not waste any time, all right?

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An army marches on its stomach, Cuthbertson.

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And an army that can't bite is an army that can't fight.

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What's an army that can't bite?!

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-ALL:

-An army that can't fight, sir.

-Very good.

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Well, upward and onward.

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The use of china clay in the shade matching of dentures.

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JOLLY 1940S MUSIC

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# If you want to feel lucky

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# Like a baby with a silver spoon

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# Just turn your money in your pocket

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# Whenever you see a new moon

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# If you want to be happy

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# Like a baby with a toy balloon

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# Just turn your money in your pocket

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# Whenever you see a new moon

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# Oh, yeah Whenever you see a new moon. #

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-SOLDIER 1:

-Want a cup of tea?

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-SOLDIER 2: Yeah.

-Give us a hand.

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'Ere, is this your mug?

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Look at the state of that. That's mould that is, mould!

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You could grow mushrooms in that.

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Ah, just get on with it.

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"Captain Cuthbertson to the rescue."

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MIMICS GRENADE TOSS AND EXPLOSION

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"Ah, you saved us!"

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Cuthbertson!

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What the bloody hell are you doing in here?!

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-Nothing, Sergeant.

-Don't lie to me, soldier!

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Stand to attention. What is that?

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-It's a hand grenade, Sergeant.

-I know what it is.

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What I don't know is what it's doing in your hand!

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Well, uh...

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Give it to me. I said give it to me, Private.

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-I'll put...put it back.

-GRENADE PIN RELEASES

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W-What do we do now?

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-Will it go off?

-Uh, no.

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No. Not while I'm holding the clip.

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I'll go and get some help, Sergeant.

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No, don't! Wait!

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Put the pin back in.

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-I can't.

-Why not?

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'Cause it's bent.

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-It's meant to be bent.

-No, I-I know that.

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But this one's bent...bent.

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-SOLDIER 1:

-Bloody cold in here!

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Did you leave the door open?

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I've got an idea.

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You better not break it.

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WHIMPERS What?

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I think I broke it.

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No. No, it's all right.

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< You twit! Anybody could walk in!

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(Come on, Cuthbertson. We've got company.)

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Do you think it'll hold now I've bashed it?

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SIREN WAILS

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BELL RINGS

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-Follow me.

-Get on down here!

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-Where did that come from?

-Bloody nowhere, sir.

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-The whole building's gone.

-Anyone hurt?

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-Don't know, sir.

-Move yourselves!

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What was it?!

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Pull your feet up!

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-What do you reckon, then?

-Looks like a thousand-pounder.

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No, this is a fly in the bath compared to a thousand-pounder.

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That was a 550-pound bomb dropped from the port rack of a Junkers 88.

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How do you know that, Regimental Sergeant Major?

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Because I saw it.

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Now, don't just stand there gawping!

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Start getting this lot cleared up now!

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All accounted for, Regimental Sergeant Major, sir.

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Casualties?

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A few cuts from glass, nothing serious.

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Colonel's wife swallowed a prune stone.

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Sir!

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-Everybody alright?

-All present and correct, sir.

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Colonel's wife apparently swallowed a prune stone, sir.

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Bit of a mess, isn't it?

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Attention!

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Stand easy.

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Hmm, bit of a mess, all this.

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Any idea what it was?

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Hut 29, sir.

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-What dropped it?

-Oh, Junkers 88, sir.

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Must've had one left over, sir.

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So you don't think they were actually aiming at us?

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No, no, right. Point taken.

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That was a bloody hand grenade, Cuthbertson!

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You could've blown the whole bloody place to kingdom come!

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Saved Adolf the bother of dropping that bomb!

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-Yes, Sergeant!

-You'd have seen yourself on the Pathe bloody news then, wouldn't you?

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-Wouldn't you, Private?!

-Y-Yes, Sergeant.

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Yes, Sergeant!

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Our services are not required except for...

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and exclusively for the pulling of teeth.

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Is that clear?

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I just wanna fight for my country, Sergeant.

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Your country does not need you.

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But you've seen action. You know what it's like.

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All I want is a posting, Sergeant.

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All the army wants is for you to do as you're told.

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I joined up to fight.

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You joined up to follow orders like the rest of us.

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That's what we do, Private.

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It's known as doing our bit.

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But I don't wanna spend the rest of my war

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sat on my bum, making dentures.

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Get out.

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LOW-LEVEL CONVERSATION, GENTLE SWING MUSIC PLAYS

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-Congratulations.

-Cheers.

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SOLIDER LAUGHS

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King! Heard the news?

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Mowat's got the posting.

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HE CHUCKLES

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Congratulations.

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Thank you, Sergeant.

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I'll have a whisky.

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Whisky.

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Sorry, Sergeant. Mess Rules. You're out of credit.

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Then make it a double.

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So they chose Mowat.

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It was your...age apparently, not your experience.

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On me, sir.

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Where are they sending him?

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Egypt, I believe.

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It's all very hush-hush, of course,

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like everything else round here that's common knowledge.

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HE CHUCKLES

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My money was on you.

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HE CHUCKLES

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Looks like you're here for the duration.

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-Good luck.

-Cheers, mate.

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Uh, why don't you stay and join us?

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Cheers(!)

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SONG ON GRAMOPHONE: # Maybe

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# You'll think of me

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# When you are

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# All alone... #

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FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

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W-W-What time is it?

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Main gate. Five minutes. Full battle dress.

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UPBEAT 1940S MUSIC

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Move!

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# We're going to hang out the washing on the Siegfried line

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# Have you any dirty washing, Mother dear...? #

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Here comes the Kaiser.

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# We're going to hang out the washing on the Siegfried line... #

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Poor little bugger.

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# 'Cause the washing day is here

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# Whether the weather may be wet or fine

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# We'll just rub along without a care

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# We're going to hang out the washing on the... #

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Where are we going, Sergeant? Gunning and back?

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-The station.

-The station? Why?

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# Whether the weather may be wet or fine

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# We'll just rub along without a care

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# We're going to hang out the washing on the Siegfried line

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# If that Siegfried line's still there. #

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Halt.

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BOTH PANT

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Bring your knee up to your chest.

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You got your pay book?

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-Yeah, why?

-Give it to me.

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HE GRUNTS

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What are you doing?

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Posting it.

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-Who to?

-Prime Minister.

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Come on.

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Miss our train.

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STEAM HISSES

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Where are we going, Sergeant?

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If the mountain won't come to Mohammed,

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Mohammed must go to the mountain.

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What mountain?

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Cornwall, then France.

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But I got dental anatomy in an hour.

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Fair enough.

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Just tell the CO that your pay book is with Winston Churchill,

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together with a letter explaining you're on your way to invade France.

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Invade France?!

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-MAN:

-All aboard!

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By the bye, Private, just in case you're wondering,

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you are absent without leave as from now.

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WHISTLE BLOWS

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TRAIN WHISTLE TOOTS

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TRAIN WHISTLE TOOTS

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HE PANTS

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I hate dental anatomy.

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"Dear Prime Minister, By the time you receive this letter

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"we shall, God willing, have landed safely

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"on the coast of occupied France.

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"From behind enemy lines we will carry out a land-based assault

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"on the port of Brest.

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"Our objective is to destroy

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"the pocket battleships Scharnhorst and Gneisenau.

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"We are trained soldiers, proud to be in the service of His Majesty

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"and willing, if necessary,

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"to lay down our lives for our country.

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"As proof of identity and evidence of good faith,

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"we enclose our army pay books

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"and conclude with the Army Dental Corps' regimental motto,

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"Ex Dentibus Ensis - from the teeth comes strength.

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"We are, sir, your obedient servants,

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"Sergeant Peter King and Private Leslie Cuthbertson."

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Just one grenade in the right place is all it takes.

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-What's the right place?

-Right in the belly of the ship.

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Liners, destroyers - they're all the same.

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Oil-driven steam turbine.

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One explosion - bang! - the whole bloody lot goes up.

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Just going for a jimmy riddle.

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This is the Queen Mary, Sergeant.

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-SOLDIER:

-Pass and travel warrant, please, Private.

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Oh, uh...

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-Got a problem, have we, Private?

-No...Corporal.

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Is this what you're after, Corporal?

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Private Cuthbertson.

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Sergeant King.

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-Where are you off to then, gents?

-Plymouth.

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Weekend leave, is it?

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-Yes.

-Yes.

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Sergeant and private travelling together.

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It's a bit unusual, isn't it?

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Is it, Corporal?

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H-He's my uncle.

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Yeah, uh...we're, uh... we're staying with my aunt.

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His wife.

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L-L-Linda.

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Linda.

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Have a nice trip.

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From now on, you leave the talking to me, all right?

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-But he believed it.

-That's not the point.

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Would either of you gentlemen be interested

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in a pair of silk stockings?

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That'll be 1s 4d.

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Thank you.

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I've thrown one in for good measure.

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-Thanks very much.

-That's all right.

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Goodbye.

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What are those?

0:20:100:20:12

Supplies.

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Don't know when we're gonna eat next, do we?

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Ain't this abroad.

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-Do you want one now?

-No.

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And stop waving those stockings about.

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How long do you reckon we're gonna be?

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Once we get a boat, four days.

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What if the letter doesn't get to Mr Churchill?

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I mean, I sent a birthday card to my sister in Durham,

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it took six weeks.

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I'll tell you something, though.

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She ain't half a fibber.

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They're not the only German battleships.

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No. We'll find other ones.

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St Nazaire.

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-What?

-South of Brest.

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Full of U-boats.

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U-boats? Yeah, even better.

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Sure you don't want one of these?

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No.

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Look, we don't want to do anything to draw attention to ourselves.

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Right, sorry.

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So put those in the bag.

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I can't. They're full of... (something else.)

0:21:410:21:44

Give them here, then.

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# When the twilight is gone

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# And no songbird is singing

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# When the twilight is gone

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# You come into my heart

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# And here in my heart you will stay

0:22:030:22:08

# While I pray... #

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SOLIDER YELLS ORDERS

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Left, right, left, right...

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COLONEL: Well, has anyone got any ideas?

0:22:180:22:20

Because I'm running out of patience here!

0:22:200:22:22

I will not have deserters in my regiment.

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We don't actually know they are deserters...

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Don't interrupt me, Major! I want these men found and punished.

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I absolutely will not have this kind of behaviour in a time of war.

0:22:290:22:33

I want you to find them and throw the book at them!

0:22:330:22:36

Do I make myself clear?

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-Yes, sir.

-Sir!

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# My prayer

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# Is to linger with you

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# At the end of the day... #

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What if we're caught?

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We're in uniform. We'll be prisoners of war.

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Not by the Germans, by the English.

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They'll already be looking for us, won't they?

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-WOMAN:

-Can I help?

0:23:010:23:03

Uh...we're fine, thanks. We're just looking for the harbour.

0:23:040:23:08

Follow me, I'll show you.

0:23:080:23:11

That's a bit of luck.

0:23:150:23:17

Do you want a hand?

0:23:230:23:25

Thanks.

0:23:250:23:27

Not much here.

0:23:290:23:31

What with rationing, I'm lucky to get anything at all.

0:23:310:23:34

# May they still be the same

0:23:350:23:39

# For as long as we live

0:23:390:23:43

# That you'll always be there at the end... #

0:23:430:23:47

-On holiday, are you?

-Uh, sort of.

0:23:470:23:50

-Where are you from?

-Uh...

0:23:520:23:54

I'm afraid I'm not allowed to say.

0:23:560:23:58

I meant, where do you live?

0:23:580:24:00

Oh, uh, London.

0:24:000:24:02

Must be horrible with all those bombs.

0:24:060:24:08

Yeah.

0:24:080:24:09

You're better off staying down here.

0:24:090:24:12

Two of our boys were killed by mines last week.

0:24:130:24:17

Oh.

0:24:170:24:18

Your friend doesn't look very happy.

0:24:210:24:24

-No, well, uh...he's a sergeant.

-So?

0:24:240:24:27

They have their sense of humour removed at birth.

0:24:270:24:29

HE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY

0:24:290:24:31

SHE GIGGLES

0:24:310:24:32

BOTH LAUGH

0:24:320:24:36

So, where are you staying?

0:24:360:24:37

Oh, I don't know. We haven't decided yet.

0:24:370:24:40

The pub's got rooms. You should stay there.

0:24:400:24:43

Oh, right.

0:24:430:24:45

Thanks very much.

0:24:500:24:51

Oh, that's all right.

0:24:510:24:53

'Bye.

0:24:550:24:56

'Bye.

0:24:560:24:58

Uh, which boat, then, Sergeant?

0:25:050:25:08

-We need to get closer.

-Yeah. Yeah.

0:25:100:25:13

Any of those will do.

0:25:260:25:28

We'll wait till it's dark, then requisition one.

0:25:280:25:32

I've spoken to Mum! She says it's fine!

0:25:320:25:35

To anyone else, we're booked up,

0:25:350:25:36

but I'm not having our brave boys going short.

0:25:360:25:39

I've got a very nice double with a sea view.

0:25:390:25:42

If you'd like to step inside.

0:25:420:25:44

-It's very kind of you, madam.

-Don't you mention it, Colonel.

0:25:440:25:47

Shall I take this in for you?

0:25:470:25:48

What have you got in here, then? The family silver?

0:25:480:25:51

Now...hot water's on between 6:00 and 7:00.

0:25:510:25:55

When you're finished, let me know, and I'll use it for the turnips.

0:25:550:25:59

# The sun shines bright and the world's all right

0:25:590:26:01

# It's a happy, happy, happy day. #

0:26:010:26:05

It's not a problem.

0:26:070:26:08

No.

0:26:080:26:10

It's almost dark.

0:26:120:26:13

Give it 10 more minutes.

0:26:130:26:15

KNOCK AT DOOR

0:26:150:26:17

I brought you some towels.

0:26:290:26:31

When you're ready, Mum says she's kept back a couple of nice pilchards.

0:26:310:26:35

-All right?

-Yes. Thanks a lot.

0:26:350:26:37

Thanks.

0:26:410:26:43

Towels!

0:27:110:27:12

DOGS BARK IN THE DISTANCE

0:27:220:27:25

By the jetty with the what's-his-name sticking up.

0:27:290:27:31

The mast. Got it.

0:27:310:27:33

(I'll check the fuel.

0:27:550:27:57

(Look for the crank handle.)

0:27:570:27:59

(I got it!)

0:28:030:28:06

(Tank seems full to me.)

0:28:060:28:07

ENGINE SPUTTERS AND FIRES

0:28:130:28:16

Are we completely cast off, Cuthbertson?

0:28:200:28:22

We are, Sergeant.

0:28:220:28:24

MOTOR CHUGS AND GRINDS

0:28:310:28:35

MOTOR GRINDS AND FADES

0:28:380:28:40

Is there a brake or something?

0:28:400:28:43

Oh, the tide's going out.

0:28:460:28:49

You'll have to get off and shove.

0:28:490:28:51

MOTOR CHUGS MORE POWERFULLY

0:29:040:29:08

MOTOR DIES DOWN

0:29:120:29:14

I'm afraid you're going to have to get in too, Sergeant!

0:29:140:29:17

SNIFFS: When was he last seen?

0:29:190:29:22

0500 hours, sir,

0:29:220:29:23

leaving the barracks with Private Cuthbertson, sir,

0:29:230:29:25

heading in the direction of the railway station.

0:29:250:29:27

Stationmaster thinks they might have taken the train to Plymouth, sir.

0:29:270:29:31

Hmm. Plymouth.

0:29:310:29:33

Tell me, Regimental Sergeant Major, what kind of spirits was he in?

0:29:340:29:37

Fine and dandy, sir. First-class soldier, sir.

0:29:370:29:39

Yes, yes, yes, quite.

0:29:390:29:40

-And off the record?

-Barking mad, sir.

0:29:400:29:42

It's not a problem.

0:29:470:29:49

No.

0:29:490:29:51

We'll wait until the tide's back in and then we'll give it another go.

0:29:510:29:54

SCRAPES GENTLY

0:30:000:30:02

It's a good thing we got the room, Sergeant.

0:30:050:30:08

KNOCK AT DOOR

0:30:170:30:19

Mum says, "How do you like your pilchards?"

0:30:300:30:33

HE SIGHS

0:30:360:30:37

RADIO: 'We've been getting a lot of letters from listeners

0:30:370:30:40

'who advise cooking with steamers and...'

0:30:400:30:41

-MAN:

-Two pints of stout, Brenda!

0:30:410:30:43

Be with you in a minute, Ross.

0:30:430:30:45

More potatoes, Private?

0:30:470:30:49

I'm...fine, thanks, Mrs Fraser.

0:30:510:30:53

Are you sure the Colonel doesn't want something on a tray?

0:30:530:30:56

He, uh...he says he's not hungry.

0:30:560:30:57

OCEAN ROARS

0:31:150:31:18

Better?

0:31:330:31:35

Much.

0:31:350:31:37

You smell like a damp dog.

0:31:390:31:41

I'm sorry about that. I fell in the harbour.

0:31:410:31:44

That's all right. I like dogs.

0:31:440:31:46

What were you doing in the harbour?

0:31:470:31:50

Oh, I'm afraid I'm not allowed to tell you that.

0:31:500:31:53

You could be anyone. You could be a spy.

0:31:550:31:57

That's right. I could.

0:31:580:32:01

And...walls have ears, don't they?

0:32:030:32:05

That's right, they do.

0:32:070:32:08

Is it very...dangerous, what you do?

0:32:120:32:16

Oh, yes. Very.

0:32:160:32:19

And are you going somewhere dangerous now?

0:32:190:32:21

Oh, uh...yeah.

0:32:210:32:22

(Yeah.)

0:32:220:32:24

You will be careful, won't you, Leslie?

0:32:240:32:27

Of course I will...Emma.

0:32:270:32:29

I'll be fine.

0:32:290:32:31

-RADIO REPORT:

-'British commandoes have done substantial damage

0:32:320:32:34

'to the submarine pens and dry docks.

0:32:340:32:37

'It will be months before St Nazaire is operational again.'

0:32:370:32:41

Did he say St Nazaire?

0:32:410:32:43

BRASS BAND PLAYS ON RADIO

0:32:430:32:46

-I don't care. I'm not interested.

-It's not my fault.

0:32:460:32:48

It'll be high tide soon.

0:32:480:32:50

Get out of here, get a boat and go.

0:32:500:32:53

-Well, where to now, Sergeant?

-France.

0:32:530:32:56

We'll sleep during the day, travel by night.

0:32:560:32:59

The whole place will be crawling with men and machinery. Move!

0:32:590:33:02

There's a war on. Or had you forgotten?

0:33:020:33:04

-MUMBLES:

-Right. "Travel by night.

0:33:040:33:08

"Crawling with men and machinery"?

0:33:080:33:10

-CRANK HANDLE WHIRRS

-Leslie! What are you doing?

0:33:180:33:22

Oh, for Christ's sake. Get her sorted out!

0:33:220:33:24

What are you doing? You can't do that!

0:33:320:33:34

E-Emma, we're on a secret and very dangerous mission.

0:33:340:33:37

You can't tell anyone we're here, all right?

0:33:370:33:38

I'll have to tell Aaron. It's his boat!

0:33:380:33:40

No, you don't. We told him already.

0:33:400:33:42

Cuthbertson!

0:33:420:33:44

I've got to go. I'm sorry.

0:33:450:33:48

Sorry.

0:33:530:33:55

MOTOR CHUGS

0:33:590:34:01

Take care of yourself, Leslie.

0:34:230:34:26

BAG CRUNCHES AND RUSTLES

0:35:140:35:17

-Morning, ladies.

-ALL:

-Morning, Arthur.

0:35:310:35:34

-How's the allotment?

-Oh, potatoes are coming on well.

0:35:340:35:36

Might have a cabbage by Christmas.

0:35:360:35:39

And how are the lovely Garden Room girls this morning?

0:35:390:35:42

-ALL:

-Good morning, Major.

0:35:420:35:44

-Morning, Arthur.

-Morning, sir.

0:35:440:35:46

And what has our Prime Minister received today

0:35:470:35:50

from the great unwashed?

0:35:500:35:51

Nothing for the PM's eyes yet, Major Merton.

0:35:510:35:54

Oh, anything good in the potty pile, Daphne?

0:35:540:35:57

Eight death threats,

0:35:570:35:59

three requests to open air-raid shelters,

0:35:590:36:01

7s 6d in postal orders,

0:36:010:36:03

and...

0:36:030:36:05

..a cigar.

0:36:050:36:07

-Ah!

-Probably poisoned.

0:36:070:36:09

God bless the lunatics.

0:36:100:36:12

Do you know, without them, this war could be really...quite serious.

0:36:120:36:15

MOTOR CHUGS, GULLS CRY

0:36:220:36:24

-Were you ever married, Sergeant?

-Why would I want to do that for?

0:36:240:36:27

Did you ever ask anyone?

0:36:290:36:30

Why do you want to know?

0:36:300:36:33

I'm only interested.

0:36:330:36:34

Sorry.

0:36:340:36:36

Gladys.

0:36:400:36:41

Nurse. Gladys Potter.

0:36:420:36:46

Stitched up my leg.

0:36:460:36:47

Field hospital, Passchendaele.

0:36:470:36:50

Tucked me in of a night,

0:36:500:36:52

plumped up my pillow.

0:36:520:36:54

-I asked her.

-Really?

0:36:540:36:56

Really.

0:36:560:36:57

Do you... Do you want a bun?

0:36:590:37:01

-They're a bit stale.

-No, thank you.

0:37:010:37:04

So what'd she say, then, this Gladys?

0:37:110:37:14

She said that she'd spent too much of her life trying to mend people

0:37:140:37:17

to spend the rest of it with someone who smashed them up for a living.

0:37:170:37:20

That wasn't very nice of her.

0:37:200:37:22

Ach! Did me a favour.

0:37:220:37:25

TELEPHONE RINGS

0:37:310:37:33

TELEPHONES RING

0:37:350:37:38

Morning, Faith.

0:37:420:37:43

Is he in?

0:37:440:37:45

-He hasn't left, Major.

-Well, it's chucking it down outside.

0:37:470:37:50

-WISTFULLY:

-Outside.

0:37:510:37:53

Remind me again - where is that exactly?

0:37:530:37:56

What's this doing here? This ought to be upstairs.

0:37:560:37:59

Give it to me. He's been on one of his wanderings again.

0:38:000:38:03

-CHURCHILL:

-And don't come back until you have something.

0:38:030:38:06

It's not been a good morning.

0:38:130:38:16

Rommel advancing, Tobruk falling,

0:38:160:38:18

Roosevelt telling him how to run the war,

0:38:180:38:19

and it's not even 10 o'clock.

0:38:190:38:21

Merton, get in here!

0:38:210:38:23

Faith, you look terrible. Get some sleep.

0:38:260:38:28

-I can't see a sodding thing.

-Shh!

0:38:490:38:52

(Keep looking.)

0:38:520:38:53

MAST CREAKS

0:38:530:38:56

Do they always shoot deserters?

0:39:000:39:02

We're NOT deserters!

0:39:020:39:04

Well, WE know that, but do they, Sergeant?

0:39:040:39:07

-Do you think he's got it yet?

-Has who got what?

0:39:090:39:12

-The Prime Minister, got the letter.

-Course he has.

0:39:120:39:16

TELEPHONE RINGS

0:39:190:39:22

MOTOR FADES AND DIES

0:39:490:39:52

Oh! Oh!

0:39:540:39:55

Sarge! I...I w-wasn't asleep.

0:39:550:39:57

Shh. Listen.

0:39:570:40:00

WAVES LAP GENTLY

0:40:000:40:02

FAINT RUMBLING APPROACHES AND INTENSIFIES

0:40:020:40:05

What's that?

0:40:090:40:11

What's that?

0:40:150:40:16

RUMBLING AND METALLIC CLANKING

0:40:160:40:19

Arggh!

0:40:240:40:25

Ooh.

0:40:280:40:29

I'm so bored of powdered egg. Aren't you?

0:40:560:40:58

Gives me the most frightful dreams.

0:40:580:41:00

Yes, but we all have to do our bit.

0:41:000:41:02

Any word from Ken?

0:41:040:41:06

Still on convoys...as far as I know.

0:41:060:41:09

Well, you know what they say -

0:41:090:41:11

no news is good news.

0:41:110:41:13

These are soldier's pay books, aren't they?

0:41:180:41:20

How much further, do you think?

0:41:420:41:44

-Two or three hours. Got to be.

-HE SIGHS

0:41:440:41:47

Take the controls!

0:42:010:42:03

Keep your head down.

0:42:050:42:07

GULLS CRY

0:42:100:42:13

BIRD TWITTERS

0:42:360:42:38

HE PANTS

0:42:580:43:00

We need to find a land marking.

0:43:000:43:03

WOMAN'S VOICE RAMBLES

0:43:050:43:07

-WOMAN:

-Then you turn it onto a flat plate...

0:43:090:43:11

What the hell's that?

0:43:110:43:13

When it's cold, cut it into...

0:43:130:43:15

Oh, it's...it's just some women.

0:43:150:43:17

Going on about some recipe.

0:43:190:43:21

What did you say?

0:43:210:43:23

Down there somewheres.

0:43:230:43:25

Just some women going on about a recipe or something.

0:43:250:43:27

-WOMAN 2:

-Oh, that sounded very tasty.

0:43:270:43:30

From my grandma. Have you met her?

0:43:300:43:33

-What?

-Speak French, do you?

0:43:330:43:35

No, they're speaking English.

0:43:360:43:39

SHEEP BLEAT

0:43:390:43:42

HE INHALES SHARPLY HE SIGHS

0:43:420:43:44

-Bugger!

-Welcome home, Private.

0:43:440:43:47

GULLS CRY

0:43:470:43:49

How could that happen?

0:43:490:43:51

We... We'd have known, wouldn't we?

0:43:510:43:53

We'd have known if we were going round in circles.

0:43:530:43:55

At least Mohammed found the right sodding mountain.

0:43:550:43:58

HE SIGHS

0:43:580:44:00

Well, at least we tried, Sergeant.

0:44:020:44:04

Lot of people would've packed it in in Cornwall.

0:44:040:44:06

This is Cornwall! This is bleeding Cornwall!

0:44:060:44:09

WOMEN'S VOICES CONTINUE

0:44:090:44:11

We'll be the laughing stock of the regiment.

0:44:110:44:14

Well, we can explain, can't we?

0:44:140:44:16

HE GUFFAWS

0:44:160:44:17

We can explain alright. We'll have to!

0:44:170:44:19

Bloody court martial!

0:44:190:44:21

I don't mind dying, Cuthbertson.

0:44:230:44:26

But I won't be...humiliated!

0:44:260:44:29

What a complete bloody fiasco!

0:44:310:44:33

W-W-We still got the boat.

0:44:330:44:35

Well, I don't mind giving it another go.

0:44:360:44:38

Do you want to give it another go?

0:44:380:44:40

PLANE DRONES OVERHEAD

0:44:400:44:43

-WOMAN ON RADIO:

-'And then stir in half a leek,

0:44:510:44:53

'one teaspoon of mixed herbs and one teaspoonful of salt.

0:44:530:44:57

'You got that?'

0:44:570:44:59

WOMAN 2: 'Half a leek, one teaspoon of mixed herbs

0:44:590:45:02

'and a teaspoonful of salt.'

0:45:020:45:04

'Yes, and then stir two ounces...'

0:45:040:45:06

Psst!

0:45:060:45:08

Psst!

0:45:080:45:10

Arggh!

0:45:130:45:15

Sergeant!

0:45:150:45:17

WOMEN'S VOICES CONTINUE

0:45:170:45:19

Was that you, Sergeant?

0:45:210:45:23

What are you doing?

0:45:300:45:31

-What are you...?

-PANTS: A German.

0:45:320:45:35

There's a German.

0:45:350:45:36

# Run, rabbit, run, rabbit

0:45:360:45:38

# Run, run, run

0:45:380:45:41

# Run, rabbit, run, rabbit Run, run... #

0:45:410:45:44

Shouldn't we go back and kill him?

0:45:440:45:45

-What for, eh?

-Well, he's a German!

0:45:450:45:47

I haven't come all this way to shoot a kraut that likes cooking.

0:45:470:45:50

He's probably gone by now, anyway.

0:45:520:45:54

-PANTS:

-At least we're here.

0:45:540:45:58

That's the main thing.

0:45:580:45:59

# Run, run, run

0:45:590:46:01

# Don't give the farmer... #

0:46:010:46:03

Open wide, Adolf. The dentists are coming!

0:46:030:46:06

Cuthbertson!

0:46:060:46:08

Sorry, Sergeant.

0:46:090:46:11

# So run, rabbit, run, run, run. #

0:46:110:46:15

PHEASANTS CRY

0:46:160:46:17

-CUTHBERTSON:

-Well, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to.

0:46:170:46:21

Well, if you must know, it's cold, wet,

0:46:230:46:26

with more rats than you can shake a stick at.

0:46:260:46:29

Blimey.

0:46:300:46:31

28 days, you're bored out of your senses,

0:46:310:46:34

then, on the 29th, boof!

0:46:340:46:37

Sky lit up.

0:46:370:46:39

You got your head down, ran like the clappers and...

0:46:390:46:42

hoped some other poor bastard got it, not you.

0:46:420:46:44

Now go to sleep.

0:46:460:46:47

But didn't you save the life of a general or something?

0:46:490:46:52

Oh, yes.

0:46:520:46:54

General Sir William Hyde.

0:46:550:46:58

I was his driver.

0:46:580:46:59

-What happened?

-Nothing.

0:46:590:47:02

Go to sleep.

0:47:020:47:03

My dad was in the trenches.

0:47:080:47:10

At Amiens.

0:47:120:47:14

He was one of the lucky ones. He...came home in one piece.

0:47:150:47:19

DRUMS WITH HANDS

0:47:240:47:27

What are you doing?

0:47:280:47:30

Tapping. Sorry.

0:47:310:47:34

-It's a habit when I'm nervous.

-Well, stop it.

0:47:340:47:36

Did he...

0:47:430:47:45

..say much...

0:47:470:47:48

your dad, about the trenches?

0:47:480:47:51

-My dad?

-Yeah.

0:47:520:47:53

I thought you wanted to go to sleep.

0:47:560:47:58

I do.

0:47:580:48:00

But I'd rather you talked than tapped.

0:48:010:48:03

Not much.

0:48:070:48:09

He was killed by a tram when I was three.

0:48:090:48:11

So I never really knew him.

0:48:120:48:14

He was just a face at my bedroom door.

0:48:150:48:17

My mum always showed me pictures.

0:48:230:48:26

And I think about him sometimes.

0:48:260:48:28

He tells me off in my head.

0:48:320:48:34

Not always, though.

0:48:350:48:37

Sometimes I make him laugh.

0:48:380:48:41

HE LAUGHS QUIETLY

0:48:410:48:43

Can I ask you something?

0:48:450:48:47

What now?

0:48:470:48:48

Why did you choose me?

0:48:540:48:56

Who else would be daft enough to carry the ruddy grenades?

0:48:560:49:01

HE LAUGHS SOFTLY

0:49:060:49:07

He'd like this.

0:49:130:49:14

It'd make him smile.

0:49:160:49:18

-Can you reach it?

-I would if you stood still!

0:49:370:49:40

Here...

0:49:410:49:42

Here...you do it.

0:49:450:49:48

-It's your idea.

-Really?

0:49:480:49:50

Thanks.

0:49:500:49:52

-How many shall I cut?

-Cut them all.

0:50:020:50:05

For gawd's sake, keep your voice down.

0:50:050:50:07

It's a lot harder than you think.

0:50:130:50:15

-PING!

-Hoo! Did you see that?

0:50:160:50:19

Could have your eye out with one of those.

0:50:190:50:22

I got a good idea.

0:50:220:50:24

We make a list of all the things we do

0:50:240:50:26

and then we can hand it in at the end as proof.

0:50:260:50:29

WIRE ZINGS

0:50:300:50:31

We could even tot up the damage.

0:50:310:50:34

How much do you reckon these lines are worth?

0:50:340:50:36

Five quid each?

0:50:360:50:38

Well, that's...

0:50:380:50:40

Well, there's... That's 25 quid, the lot.

0:50:400:50:43

Depends what's on the other end.

0:50:430:50:45

That's a point. I hadn't thought of that.

0:50:460:50:49

Just supposing that these go to, like, the hospital

0:50:490:50:51

or...or the Resistance, even!

0:50:510:50:54

Just suppose you get on with it.

0:50:540:50:56

PING!

0:50:560:50:57

Still...

0:51:000:51:02

25 quid's 25 quid, isn't it?

0:51:020:51:05

HE PANTS

0:51:100:51:12

Well, it's not, actually. It's...only 20.

0:51:120:51:16

What do you mean?

0:51:160:51:18

-I left one.

-What for?

0:51:180:51:21

Well, in case of emergencies!

0:51:210:51:26

-How much does cement cost?

-What?

0:51:310:51:34

Well, if we were gonna blow up a gun emplacement,

0:51:340:51:37

I was trying to work out how much it's worth.

0:51:370:51:40

-What for?

-Well...

0:51:400:51:42

We put the damages we do in the left-hand column

0:51:420:51:45

and what we think it's worth in the right.

0:51:450:51:47

So what are you, an accountant now?

0:51:470:51:49

No. No, listen.

0:51:490:51:52

I had a mate who bought a Riley Roadster before the war, right?

0:51:520:51:55

Now, he was out there every Sunday polishing it

0:51:550:51:57

but the birds kept crapping all over the bonnet.

0:51:570:51:59

So what he did was, he bought a garage.

0:51:590:52:02

Only problem is, he reckons the garage cost more than the car.

0:52:020:52:06

Has this got a point, Private?

0:52:060:52:09

Yeah, yeah, the point is

0:52:090:52:10

I reckon that two garages costs the same as one gun emplacement.

0:52:100:52:17

Sergeant...

0:52:180:52:20

Or to put it another way,

0:52:200:52:22

one gun emplacement costs the same as three Riley Roadsters.

0:52:220:52:25

You've got an 'ead like a toy box, Cuthbertson.

0:52:270:52:29

When are we gonna eat, Sergeant?

0:52:330:52:35

-Hello? Hello?

-PHONES RING

0:52:350:52:37

Africa, Merton. That's where we stand or fall.

0:52:370:52:41

I've got him, Prime Minister. He's on the line now.

0:52:410:52:43

About time. Put him through.

0:52:430:52:44

I want answers yesterday, Merton.

0:52:440:52:47

Lose Africa and we lose the Med.

0:52:470:52:50

Hello?

0:52:500:52:52

No-one here, Faith.

0:52:530:52:54

One moment, Prime Minister.

0:52:540:52:56

We lose the Med, then Malta's down the drain.

0:52:560:52:58

He's on line three, Prime Minister.

0:52:580:53:00

Hello, Monty! How are you, old cocker?

0:53:000:53:03

Jolly good.

0:53:030:53:05

Now, tell me something, General,

0:53:050:53:07

what do you knees look like in shorts?

0:53:070:53:11

"Sleep during the day, travel by night," you said.

0:53:160:53:19

That's alright. So far it hasn't been necessary.

0:53:190:53:23

"Crawling with men and machinery," you said.

0:53:240:53:27

Thanks, Private.

0:53:270:53:29

All we need do is find a road or a signpost.

0:53:290:53:32

To where?

0:53:320:53:33

There's nothing to do.

0:53:330:53:35

That's fine. It's not a problem.

0:53:370:53:39

There'll be plenty to do when we get there.

0:53:390:53:42

Get where?

0:53:420:53:44

There's no-one around. The whole place is shut.

0:53:440:53:46

Hello?

0:53:490:53:51

Anyone?!

0:53:510:53:52

We're here!

0:53:520:53:54

-We've invaded!

-Shut up!

0:53:540:53:56

I'm starving.

0:53:590:54:01

I'm Sergeant King. How do you do?

0:54:010:54:02

Well, maybe we could get something to eat or something?

0:54:020:54:07

Maybe we could steal a car, Sergeant.

0:54:070:54:09

Oh, yes! Good idea.

0:54:090:54:11

Which one of the many fine vehicles you see before you

0:54:110:54:15

would you care to requisition(?)

0:54:150:54:16

First rule of survival behind enemy lines, Private,

0:54:220:54:26

live off the land.

0:54:260:54:28

GUN CLICKS

0:54:390:54:41

Oh, sorry! Er...

0:54:440:54:46

Um, I'm English.

0:54:460:54:48

Um, er, English?

0:54:480:54:51

I'm really sorry. I'm just so hungry.

0:55:120:55:14

I'll put it back.

0:55:140:55:16

Look, see?

0:55:160:55:18

SHE SPEAKS IN FRENCH

0:55:320:55:34

Wrap it?

0:55:470:55:49

Do you want me to wrap it?

0:55:490:55:52

Can I go now?

0:56:050:56:07

Thank you.

0:56:150:56:17

Thanks very much.

0:56:170:56:19

I was only getting some food.

0:56:460:56:47

I don't know what the problem is.

0:56:470:56:50

I did what you asked.

0:56:500:56:53

You said, "Get some food," so I did.

0:56:530:56:54

-Anyone could have been in that house.

-But they weren't, were they?

0:56:540:56:57

The whole bloody Third Reich could have been in that house.

0:56:570:56:59

-We should be so lucky.

-What?

0:56:590:57:02

Nothing. Can we eat the pie now?

0:57:020:57:04

Don't you get lippy with me. Don't you get lippy with me, son!

0:57:040:57:07

I should knock the living daylights out of you.

0:57:070:57:09

I said, "Can we eat the pie now?"

0:57:090:57:11

You've jeopardised every step of this operation.

0:57:110:57:13

You've been like a kid on a school outing

0:57:130:57:15

buying buns, waving stockings about,

0:57:150:57:18

cosying up to your little Cornish pastie.

0:57:180:57:20

Now I'm a deserter.

0:57:200:57:22

I've nearly been drowned.

0:57:220:57:25

And I'm tired and I'm hungry.

0:57:250:57:27

And whether you like it or not, I'm gonna eat this pie.

0:57:270:57:31

I can't believe you done that.

0:57:360:57:38

No, I take that back.

0:57:430:57:46

I CAN believe it.

0:57:460:57:48

Look at you.

0:57:480:57:50

You know why everybody calls you the Kaiser?

0:57:520:57:54

'Cause you're a jumped up, washed up,

0:57:550:57:58

over-the-hill has-been.

0:57:580:57:59

-Finished?

-No!

0:57:590:58:01

You know what? Back home...

0:58:020:58:05

I thought you had guts and a head on your shoulders

0:58:050:58:08

but you know what?

0:58:080:58:09

The only thing you're good at is whingeing.

0:58:090:58:11

It's a good thing your dad died when he did!

0:58:110:58:13

ENGINES ROAR

0:58:130:58:17

Can you...can you see anything?

0:59:040:59:06

Nothing.

0:59:060:59:08

A sign or something?

0:59:080:59:10

No.

0:59:100:59:12

We've got to find out where we are.

0:59:120:59:16

I'll see what I can find.

0:59:340:59:36

I...didn't mean what I said about your dad.

0:59:410:59:47

I'll stand guard then.

0:59:510:59:52

And, Sergeant,

0:59:550:59:57

they don't all, er, call you the Kaiser.

0:59:571:00:00

Yes, you stand guard.

1:00:001:00:02

(OK, Sergeant.)

1:00:041:00:05

(OK, Sergeant.)

1:00:091:00:10

DOOR OPENS

1:00:501:00:52

DOOR CLOSES

1:00:541:00:56

FOOTSTEPS RETREAT

1:00:561:00:58

BUZZING

1:01:321:01:36

I'm sorry, Sergeant.

1:02:061:02:07

I missed him. He just got past me.

1:02:071:02:10

TRAIN CHUGS

1:02:101:02:14

Train!

1:02:191:02:20

WHISTLE BLOWS

1:02:201:02:23

It's stopping. Let's wave the signal.

1:02:231:02:26

Well, which one is it?

1:02:271:02:29

BRAKES SCREECH

1:02:291:02:31

Must be one of these.

1:02:311:02:33

HE SHOUTS IN GERMAN

1:02:471:02:49

HE CONTINUES SHOUTING

1:02:551:02:57

WHISTLE BLOWS

1:03:141:03:16

They're on their way up.

1:03:241:03:25

No, wait. It's gotta be a lock.

1:03:261:03:29

HE SHOUTS IN GERMAN

1:03:301:03:33

Now try.

1:03:341:03:35

HE GRUNTS

1:03:381:03:39

SOLDIERS SHOUT

1:03:481:03:51

Danke!

1:03:521:03:54

Supplies.

1:04:311:04:33

What should we do with him? He'll tell someone he's seen us.

1:04:331:04:38

Drunk in charge of a signal box.

1:04:451:04:47

No-one will believe a word he says.

1:04:471:04:50

BUZZING CONTINUES

1:04:531:04:57

SUSTAINED BUZZ

1:05:011:05:04

Mind the string.

1:05:201:05:22

How much do you reckon a railway line's worth?

1:05:231:05:26

-About 70 quid?

-More.

1:05:261:05:28

80.

1:05:281:05:30

Put that away.

1:05:301:05:32

Ready?

1:05:351:05:38

DISTANT EXPLOSION

1:05:421:05:44

What was that?

1:05:441:05:45

What was what?

1:05:461:05:48

I think I heard something.

1:05:481:05:50

SOLDIERS SHOUT IN GERMAN

1:05:501:05:54

No. It's nothing.

1:05:561:05:59

-Bloody hell!

-Gordon Bennett!

1:06:091:06:11

I think I've gone deaf.

1:06:161:06:17

Have you gone deaf?

1:06:171:06:19

Looks buckled to me.

1:06:221:06:23

Does it look buckled to you?

1:06:231:06:26

Yeah, definitely.

1:06:261:06:28

Loose as old knickers, that is.

1:06:291:06:32

I wouldn't fancy travelling on it.

1:06:321:06:35

One grenade in the right place.

1:06:351:06:37

Yeah.

1:06:371:06:38

-Just like you said.

-Come on.

1:06:381:06:41

# Whether the weather may be wet or fine

1:06:521:06:57

# We'll just rub along without a care

1:06:571:07:01

# We're going to hang out the washing on the Siegfried line

1:07:011:07:05

# If that Siegfried line's still there. #

1:07:051:07:10

Let's find out where we are.

1:07:111:07:13

You've got the matches.

1:07:131:07:15

Ergh! Is that cheese off?

1:07:201:07:22

Nah. It's French.

1:07:221:07:23

-SNIFFS:

-Do you want some?

1:07:231:07:26

No, I want you to strike a match so that I can see what I'm doing.

1:07:261:07:30

Closer. That's better.

1:07:361:07:37

Now, then, there's the railway line.

1:07:391:07:41

So we went... PLANE ENGINES DRONE

1:07:411:07:44

Lancasters.

1:07:441:07:46

I'll be buggered.

1:07:461:07:48

Hold it still.

1:07:481:07:50

Sitting down to bacon and eggs in half an hour.

1:07:501:07:52

Hold it still. You and your belly!

1:07:521:07:54

HE GASPS

1:07:541:07:56

SIREN WAILS

1:07:581:08:01

BOMBS EXPLODE IN DISTANCE

1:08:101:08:12

Oh, you're still here.

1:08:271:08:29

So are you.

1:08:291:08:31

We're all still here.

1:08:331:08:34

Faith, you look terrible.

1:08:341:08:36

-Is HE still here?

-No.

1:08:361:08:38

He's at a meeting with the joint chiefs.

1:08:381:08:41

A chance to make a break for it.

1:08:411:08:42

Ah! Good luck.

1:08:421:08:44

Thanks.

1:08:441:08:45

A little more light reading for you, Major.

1:08:451:08:47

Oh, sorry about the cigar ash.

1:08:471:08:49

He was on one of his nocturnals again.

1:08:491:08:51

Oh, and this belongs up here, I think.

1:08:511:08:54

I don't know how we're supposed to run a war

1:08:541:08:56

when the Prime Minister keeps interfering.

1:08:561:08:59

-DOOR SLAMS CHURCHILL:

-Nobody listens!

1:08:591:09:02

-Faith!

-DOOR SLAMS

1:09:061:09:08

Oh, bad luck, Faith. 10ft short of the wire.

1:09:081:09:11

DOGS BARK

1:09:161:09:18

MEN CONVERSE IN GERMAN

1:09:181:09:20

-CUTHBERTSON:

-They look like teacups.

1:09:201:09:21

-What do you think?

-Ahh, too risky.

1:09:251:09:29

What's that flyswat thing?

1:09:311:09:32

Flyswat?

1:09:321:09:34

Looks like an aerial or some sort of listening device.

1:09:341:09:39

That must be worth a fortune.

1:09:391:09:42

Come on. We wouldn't make it to the fence.

1:09:421:09:44

Move.

1:09:441:09:46

But it's just over there.

1:09:461:09:48

You can see for yourself, it's crawling with bleedin' Germans.

1:09:481:09:52

Well, course it's crawling with Germans.

1:09:521:09:55

That's why we came.

1:09:551:09:56

I don't believe this.

1:09:591:10:00

You were gonna blow up the Scharnhorst with one grenade.

1:10:001:10:04

Destroy St Nazaire single-handed.

1:10:041:10:08

Now we find one piddly observation post

1:10:081:10:11

and you say it's too risky.

1:10:111:10:12

Keep your voice down! Move yourself.

1:10:121:10:14

"One hand grenade," you said.

1:10:141:10:16

Once it's dark and I'm inside,

1:10:431:10:46

I'll attach some grenades to the flyswat,

1:10:461:10:49

move straight to the ops room with the remainder of the grenades,

1:10:491:10:52

then up it go.

1:10:521:10:53

Just a minute. Where am I?

1:10:531:10:55

-You're that pebble there?

-What pebble?

1:10:551:10:57

By the fence where we cut through the wire.

1:10:571:10:59

Well, what am I doing there?

1:10:591:11:00

Standing guard.

1:11:001:11:02

I don't want to stand guard.

1:11:021:11:03

I didn't come all the way here to stand guard.

1:11:031:11:05

I can stand guard back in Aldershot.

1:11:051:11:07

Cuthbertson, I am giving you an order!

1:11:071:11:09

Well, I'm disobeying it.

1:11:091:11:10

-I'm younger and I'm faster and

-I

-want to blow up the flyswat.

1:11:101:11:14

-You can't.

-Why not?

1:11:141:11:15

Because whoever goes in there is gonna die.

1:11:151:11:18

Then what's the point in standing guard?

1:11:181:11:20

Here. Take the grenades. Blow your arse off.

1:11:241:11:29

-Can't stop being a hero, can you?

-I wasn't a hero.

1:11:291:11:31

-Don't give me all that tosh.

-It's not tosh.

1:11:311:11:34

I changed a tyre, Cuthbertson, that's all I did.

1:11:341:11:37

What? I don't understand.

1:11:391:11:41

The General was in the back seat.

1:11:411:11:44

I didn't know where we were. A bombardment went up.

1:11:441:11:47

Piece of shrapnel caught the front tyre and we got a puncture.

1:11:471:11:50

And?

1:11:511:11:52

And General Sir William Hyde told me to get out and change it

1:11:521:11:55

which I did very quickly.

1:11:551:11:57

A shell exploded to the right of us, the jack slipped,

1:11:571:12:00

the car fell on my foot.

1:12:001:12:01

I drove some 10 mile with a smashed heel.

1:12:011:12:05

So you were decorated for changing a tyre?

1:12:071:12:10

Yes, I know. RAC patrolmen do it every day.

1:12:101:12:15

Can we now get on with the weapons check?

1:12:161:12:19

Two revolvers

1:12:211:12:23

and 20 rounds.

1:12:231:12:27

Grenades?

1:12:271:12:29

Five in the bag and five in the nylons.

1:12:291:12:33

So how long was it until you saw action again?

1:12:331:12:36

I didn't. I was invalided out, I joined the medical corps.

1:12:361:12:40

So you haven't done anything like this before, have you?

1:12:421:12:44

No.

1:12:441:12:46

Well, I hate to say it, Sergeant, but I wish you hadn't told me that.

1:12:481:12:54

That's fine. It's not a problem.

1:12:541:12:56

Four for the flyswat, the rest for the ops room.

1:13:001:13:04

And no-one stands guard. Agreed?

1:13:041:13:06

Agreed.

1:13:101:13:12

Hope you've got a handbag to go with them stockings.

1:13:141:13:17

-You ready?

-Yeah.

1:14:231:14:25

Through you go.

1:14:261:14:28

Wait! MEN CHATTER IN GERMAN

1:15:081:15:10

Cuthbertson. Mirror.

1:15:101:15:13

LAUGHTER

1:15:201:15:22

Right.

1:15:291:15:31

-HE SNIFFS:

-I can smell beef.

1:15:311:15:35

And onions.

1:15:351:15:37

Now.

1:15:371:15:38

DOG GROWLS AND YAPS

1:15:561:15:58

MAN: Tiger! Komm hier!

1:15:581:16:01

Komm hier!

1:16:011:16:04

DOG WHIMPERS

1:16:041:16:07

Komm hier!

1:16:081:16:11

KOMM!

1:16:141:16:17

When you're ready, I'll be in position. Good luck.

1:16:401:16:44

DOG BARKS

1:17:221:17:25

MEN CHATTER

1:17:311:17:34

ALARM BELL RINGS, SHOUTING

1:19:241:19:27

Bugger!

1:19:321:19:33

HE MUTTERS SOFTLY

1:19:481:19:50

TRIUMPHANT MUSIC

1:20:191:20:23

MEN SHOUT

1:20:371:20:40

-SOLDIER:

-Halt!

1:21:131:21:15

MACHINE-GUN FIRE

1:21:151:21:18

SHOUTS ECHO HOLLOWLY

1:21:231:21:26

SIREN BLARES

1:21:331:21:35

Pack it in!

1:21:421:21:44

TYRES SCREECH

1:21:441:21:46

Sergeant Mohammed, it's Private Mountain.

1:21:461:21:50

What kept you?

1:21:541:21:56

GUNFIRE, WHISTLE BLOWS

1:22:061:22:08

We did quite a good job there, eh?!

1:22:401:22:42

Keep your eyes on the road!

1:22:421:22:44

Have you driven one of these before?

1:22:441:22:47

It's not a problem!

1:22:471:22:48

GUNFIRE IN DISTANCE

1:22:571:23:01

We couldn't have done all that, could we?

1:23:031:23:06

Let's get the hell out of here!

1:23:061:23:07

KNOCK AT DOOR

1:23:491:23:51

(Leslie!)

1:23:511:23:53

Sorry to trouble you. I'm looking for a Miss Emma Fraser.

1:23:571:24:00

Now, Africa is the absolute priority.

1:24:031:24:08

PHONE RINGS

1:24:081:24:10

No... Oh, what the hell did I do with that thing?

1:24:101:24:13

I want to know everything that is going on out there.

1:24:131:24:16

And when I say everything, I mean everything.

1:24:161:24:20

I don't want a camel to so much as break wind

1:24:201:24:23

without it ending up on my desk.

1:24:231:24:25

Oh, here it is.

1:24:251:24:27

Uh...no, it isn't.

1:24:271:24:29

What the hell is this?

1:24:291:24:33

Oh, funny.

1:24:341:24:36

Now, I don't want another shambles like Singapore, gentlemen.

1:24:361:24:41

BOAT ENGINE SPUTTERS

1:24:411:24:44

Hold up.

1:24:481:24:50

We're out of petrol.

1:24:531:24:55

Cop a hold of that oar, Cuthbertson.

1:25:041:25:06

(Oar?)

1:25:081:25:09

We're not gonna row, are we?

1:25:261:25:28

No, we're gonna knit a jumper(!)

1:25:281:25:31

It'll give you an appetite.

1:25:311:25:33

One, two, three.

1:25:331:25:36

He's depressed. He won't get out of his cot.

1:26:121:26:15

You try Clemmie?

1:26:151:26:17

She's at dinner with the Archbishop of Canterbury, Doctor.

1:26:171:26:20

He's an old man. He needs a holiday.

1:26:211:26:24

Failing that, a victory.

1:26:241:26:25

Anything.

1:26:251:26:28

Something to lift his spirits. Good luck.

1:26:281:26:30

-Whose turn is it?

-Yours.

1:26:321:26:34

I sat with him for an hour last night...

1:26:341:26:36

-BOTH:

-Reading Kipling.

1:26:361:26:38

Why don't you go home, Faith?

1:26:391:26:41

Yes, I know.

1:26:411:26:43

I look terrible.

1:26:431:26:45

HE SIGHS AND KNOCKS

1:26:451:26:48

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

1:26:541:26:57

I promised the King victory, Merton.

1:27:001:27:03

Gave my word to the country.

1:27:051:27:08

Don't know if I can do it.

1:27:101:27:13

Well, uh...would you like a whisky, sir?

1:27:151:27:17

No, Merton, I don't want a whisky.

1:27:191:27:21

I want a wander.

1:27:231:27:25

I don't know if this rabbit is going to come out of the hat.

1:27:301:27:34

Cuthbertson...

1:27:421:27:45

we got company.

1:27:451:27:47

It's following us!

1:27:591:28:00

Throw something!

1:28:061:28:07

I bet it's one of ours.

1:28:311:28:33

It can't be one of ours!

1:28:331:28:36

That's not fair!

1:28:361:28:38

Not after what we done. Now, that's not fair!

1:28:381:28:40

Come on! Blow, you sod!

1:28:461:28:48

MAN SPEAKS GERMAN

1:29:071:29:09

7536394.

1:29:091:29:13

Sergeant King.

1:29:131:29:15

MAN CONTINUES IN GERMAN I don't speak German.

1:29:161:29:19

HE SHOUTS Sergeant King.

1:29:191:29:22

7536394.

1:29:221:29:27

MAN SIGHS

1:29:271:29:29

10511436.

1:29:311:29:35

Private Cuthbertson.

1:29:351:29:38

We're dentists.

1:29:411:29:42

MAN SIGHS

1:29:421:29:44

HE SIGHS

1:29:481:29:49

Have we got the girl?

1:29:491:29:51

-She's on her way.

-Good.

1:29:511:29:53

Is there any tea in this pot?

1:29:551:29:56

Stewed, I'm afraid.

1:29:561:29:58

Right.

1:29:581:30:00

-Yes, that's Leslie.

-Are you sure?

1:30:071:30:09

Positive. Where were they?

1:30:091:30:11

Reconnaissance spotted them in the Channel.

1:30:111:30:14

-Floating on some wood.

-That was lucky.

1:30:141:30:17

Well, that rather depends on how you look at it, doesn't it?

1:30:171:30:19

I mean, we don't take too kindly to spies.

1:30:191:30:21

Spies?

1:30:211:30:23

Yes. Or deserters.

1:30:231:30:24

Don't worry. We'll find out soon enough.

1:30:261:30:29

-MAN:

-Out!

1:31:071:31:09

Prisoners and escort, sharp!

1:31:241:31:27

Quick march!

1:31:271:31:29

-EMMA:

-No, he said that he had to do something dangerous.

1:31:481:31:51

But he couldn't talk about it, you see, on account of it being secret

1:31:511:31:55

and that I might be a spy.

1:31:551:31:57

So the point is, I know they're not spies because they borrowed a boat

1:31:571:32:03

and said they were going somewhere,

1:32:031:32:05

which must have been France, which is where the war is,

1:32:051:32:08

so they can't be deserters either, can they?

1:32:081:32:11

Sorry, do I sound a bit...muddled?

1:32:141:32:16

Not at all. Thank you, Miss Fraser. You may sit down.

1:32:161:32:20

Well, gentlemen.

1:32:281:32:30

Let me tell you, I've presided over many a court martial in my time -

1:32:301:32:33

too many, if I'm honest.

1:32:331:32:35

It's not a task I relish.

1:32:351:32:37

But never before have I been asked to listen to such appalling drivel.

1:32:371:32:42

You're deserters. You know it. I know it.

1:32:431:32:47

Everyone in this room knows it.

1:32:471:32:50

You ran away for a coward's chance on easy street

1:32:501:32:52

and when your boat sank on the way to Ireland

1:32:521:32:56

you invented this...fairytale to save yourselves.

1:32:561:33:01

And what sticks in my throat more than anything else

1:33:011:33:03

is that even after you've failed to produce

1:33:031:33:05

one shred of evidence in your defence,

1:33:051:33:08

you still persist in this ridiculous boy's-own adventure

1:33:081:33:13

of some personal invasion of France.

1:33:131:33:16

You, Private Cuthbertson, have brought shame on the uniform

1:33:191:33:23

worn so bravely by so many.

1:33:231:33:24

You, Sergeant King... you're beyond contempt, frankly.

1:33:261:33:30

Not only have you duped an impressionable...

1:33:301:33:32

DOOR OPENS

1:33:321:33:34

Begging the court's pardon, sir.

1:33:361:33:38

Who is this? What does he want?

1:33:381:33:40

I'm so sorry, Colonel,

1:33:401:33:42

but if I might crave the court's indulgence for a few moments?

1:33:421:33:47

Who are you?

1:33:481:33:50

I'd like to interview the prisoners.

1:33:501:33:52

What?!

1:33:521:33:53

I'm Major Desmond Merton -

1:33:531:33:55

Chief Intelligence Advisor to Mr Churchill.

1:33:551:33:59

Now, I have here...

1:34:001:34:04

a ground plan...

1:34:041:34:07

of some buildings.

1:34:071:34:09

Major, these are official proceedings!

1:34:091:34:11

Now, these buildings that you see here, gentlemen...

1:34:111:34:13

..do you know what they are?

1:34:151:34:17

Yes, sir. That's a listening post, sir.

1:34:171:34:19

A, uh...Cap de la Hague, sir.

1:34:191:34:22

Interesting. How do you know that?

1:34:221:34:25

Well, it...says so at the top, sir.

1:34:251:34:27

Does it?

1:34:301:34:32

Well, so it does.

1:34:341:34:35

-Major!

-One moment, please, Colonel.

1:34:351:34:38

Now, would you say you were familiar with these buildings?

1:34:381:34:41

Uh...yes, sir. I think so, sir, yes.

1:34:411:34:43

Good. What can you tell me about them?

1:34:431:34:45

Well, that's the flyswat thing, sir.

1:34:451:34:47

The...the what?

1:34:471:34:50

The signal receiver thing, sir.

1:34:501:34:52

It appeared, to the uninitiated eye,

1:34:521:34:55

to be a giant emblem for the swatting of flies.

1:34:551:34:58

I see. What about these chaps here?

1:34:581:35:01

They're the two teacup things.

1:35:011:35:03

That is to say they have the general appearance

1:35:031:35:05

of teacups placed on their side, sir.

1:35:051:35:08

They were outside the perimeter, so we left them alone.

1:35:081:35:11

Excellent. Right.

1:35:111:35:13

Now, what exactly was it you say you did?

1:35:131:35:16

Blew up the ops room, sir, with grenades.

1:35:161:35:19

Major! BANGS GAVEL

1:35:191:35:20

These men are disgraced.

1:35:201:35:22

They are guilty of theft, deceit and desertion.

1:35:221:35:25

You're not suggesting there's any substance to their story, are you?

1:35:251:35:28

I'm not suggesting anything, Colonel.

1:35:281:35:30

I'm merely trying to ascertain the facts.

1:35:301:35:32

Now, this, uh...operations room.

1:35:321:35:34

Did anything strike you as unusual about it?

1:35:341:35:37

No. Nothing, sir.

1:35:371:35:40

-Apart from the smell.

-The smell.

1:35:411:35:43

The smell? What smell?

1:35:431:35:45

Uh...beef and onions, sir.

1:35:451:35:47

-Beef and onions?

-Burned beef and onions.

1:35:471:35:49

Major, I really must insist.

1:35:491:35:52

BURNED beef and onions! Ah!

1:35:521:35:56

Thank you, Colonel.

1:35:571:35:58

I've heard all I need to hear.

1:35:581:36:01

Well, thank God for that.

1:36:011:36:02

And in your opinion, Major, are they telling the truth?

1:36:021:36:06

No, sir. They are not.

1:36:061:36:09

They didn't destroy the operations room at all.

1:36:121:36:14

They destroyed the cookhouse.

1:36:141:36:17

LAUGHTER

1:36:171:36:21

BANGS GAVEL: I'm sorry. I'm not putting up with this.

1:36:211:36:24

You can wave what letters you like, Major,

1:36:241:36:26

but unless you can substantiate that claim, I intend to pass sentence.

1:36:261:36:29

Oh, I'm sure that I can, Colonel.

1:36:291:36:31

How? You're not going to tell me you were there, are you?

1:36:311:36:34

-HE CHUCKLES:

-Not personally. No, sir.

1:36:341:36:37

But the 2nd Parachute Regiment were.

1:36:371:36:40

-The Paras were there?

-Be quiet!

1:36:401:36:42

119 of them, to be exact.

1:36:421:36:45

They were after those two teacup things

1:36:451:36:47

which you were good enough NOT to blow up.

1:36:471:36:50

Their task was to break bits off and bring them home

1:36:501:36:53

for our boffins to play about with, which they did.

1:36:531:36:55

There were reports of an unexpected and very useful diversion.

1:36:551:37:00

But until now, no-one's been able to confirm it.

1:37:001:37:03

Initially, we put it down to the French,

1:37:031:37:06

but, uh...it just didn't tally.

1:37:061:37:09

Anyway, there we are. And well done, gents.

1:37:091:37:12

And thank you, Colonel, for allowing me to clear up that little puzzle.

1:37:121:37:16

Oh, yes. And I nearly forgot.

1:37:171:37:20

Message from the Prime Minister.

1:37:201:37:22

He thanks you very much for the letter. It cheered him up no end.

1:37:221:37:27

He apologises for the delay in replying,

1:37:271:37:30

but he has had rather a lot on.

1:37:301:37:32

However, next time you're in Whitehall,

1:37:321:37:34

he'd be delighted to see you for a cup of tea.

1:37:341:37:37

Uh...that is tea for King and Cuthbertson, sir,

1:37:381:37:41

not, um...

1:37:411:37:43

well...

1:37:431:37:45

Uh...oh, yes, and, um...

1:37:451:37:48

here are your pay books back,

1:37:481:37:51

which he has signed.

1:37:511:37:53

He didn't want you to go short.

1:37:531:37:56

And as he said to me, "A few..."

1:37:561:37:59

A few more lunatics, like those dentists, Merton,

1:37:591:38:02

and I could win this war by Christmas.

1:38:021:38:05

HE CHUCKLES

1:38:051:38:06

Cookhouse. The bloody cookhouse.

1:38:251:38:28

-Well done!

-SOLDIERS CHEER

1:38:481:38:51

SOLDIERS CONTINUE CHEERING

1:39:091:39:11

I'll see you in 28 days, Sergeant!

1:39:411:39:43

I'll be here, Private!

1:39:441:39:47

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