Wilbur Wants to Kill Himself

This programme contains some strong language.

GENTLE MUSIC PLAYS

BOTTLES RATTLE

PILLS RATTLE

PILLS RATTLE

GENTLE MUSIC CONTINUES

WATER RUNS

GLASS CLATTERS

GAS HISSES

CLATTERING, GAS STOPS HISSING

GENTLE MUSIC

COINS JINGLE

PILLS RATTLE

GAS HISSES

GENTLE MUSIC

CLANG!

I brought three with me today.

Oh, hi. Can I help you?

Will you buy them?

That's how we make a living.

Except now my father's just died.

I don't think it's affected my brother and me as much as you might fear.

OK, well, let's, uh...

Well, this one's supposed to be pretty good.

It's ideal if you're into polar stuff and tundra and that stuff.

That was one of my father's specialities.

What's that? Ju- Julia Wilson Green.

PHONE RINGS

Is that you? >

No.

PHONE RINGS

Excuse me.

PHONE RINGS

Hello, North Books. Harbour speaking.

I'll just take The Man Who Would Be King.

GENTLE MUSIC

KEYS JANGLE

GENTLE MUSIC CONTINUES

THUD!

GLASS SMASHES

GAS HISSES

(GRUNTS)

Wilbur! Wake up, Wilbur! Oh, Jesus Christ.

Breathe, Wilbur! Breathe.

GROANS

WATER RUNS

MAN: Essen, Arnhem, Hanover, Hamburg.

And, of course, back again.

Lay-by after lay-by. Maybe a porn magazine.

Mars bar if there's a tailback. Snowballs - never really caught on south of the border.

Or the Continent, for that matter.

I don't know why. I... I thought they were delicious.

But, little by little, my life just shrunk. >

No-one to miss me, anyway. I wouldn't even miss myself.

Don't say that, Wayne. >

I'm sure many of us here have grown really fond of Wayne over these last few weeks, haven't we?

SILENCE

HE SIGHS LOUDLY

Is it lunchtime?

Lunchtime is one o'clock, Wilbur. Carry on, Wayne.

Shouldn't he, Horst? Horst?

What?

You know the rest.

-Yes, and we don't want to hear more.

-No, of course not.

So, Wilbur... >

Yes, Horst.

...pills this time, huh?

And gas.

-Oh my God. It could have killed you.

-That was the general idea.

BELL TINKLES

Am I the only one starving in here?

BELL TINKLES

Yes.

BELL TINKLES

Wilbur, wouldn't you like to share anything at all?

You've got a hair sticking out your nostril.

Would, um...?

Would anyone like to, uh, say anything to Wilbur?

Um, I'm sure we've all grown very very fond of Wilbur over the past few weeks, haven't we?

Wayne.

BELL TINKLES

Um...

I don't mind him.

That's nice, Wayne. Ruby.

BELL TINKLES

You're one problem, Wayne - you're a crybaby.

But what is really life-threatening around here is you, Wilbur.

You're wasting our time, sponging off the system.

That gas thing was insane.

You put the lives of everyone in your building at risk.

As some of us here know pretty well, right, Claire?

I told you - no-one got hurt.

It's quite right, Claire.

Why don't you just die

and let someone else take your place?

Ooh. Thank you, Ruby.

Um, Wilbur, what do you think would happen,

in a broad, um, sociological sense,

if we all went around killing ourselves?

There'd be no more group.

You know, it gets more and more humiliating every time I survive.

Why did you crash in on me like that?

-How do you always stick your nose in?

-You phoned!

And you haven't let me finish what I was saying.

Harbour! Harbour, look, I know we can't stop your brother,

but we don't feel he should be living on his own.

Is there any way you could move in with him for awhile?

No way is he staying at my place.

Wilbur, from a purely professional point of view, you need all the support you can get right now.

I know this isn't strictly by the book, but you could stay with me.

I've got a light, spacious one-bedroom flat

just 15 minutes stroll from the underground.

I mean, I could make a fuss of you, and I do live practically 100% organically.

I've got a solarium above my bed.

We're expected at a funeral. Nutter.

Moira, you do perform miracles here.

Is this where mother is buried?

No, she's over there.

Over there?

Father wanted her to be able to see the shop.

Now if she leant forwards a little...

She leant forwards a little? But while she was dead and buried?

Well, he wasn't feeling too well at the time.

Just lay those down.

-So now they're lying together.

-It looks like a molehill. Come on!

Not with the flowers. Anyway, you don't get molehills that big.

At least not in Scotland.

Still, it's a bit of a shame that he's dead, isn't it?

He was crap towards end.

Now, you'd really treated him nicely, you did.

He hated me.

He was a happy as a penguin for weeks after you came by.

Otherwise he wouldn't have given you the bookshop, would he?

He didn't give me it.

Sure he did. Sure as naught - it was Dad's last request.

He didn't make a last request. He just sat there dribbling.

I think you got it wrong.

Why does it say Harbour in the will, then?

He must have mixed our names up.

I'm sure he wanted you to have it. He said so several times.

He couldn't talk!

I could tell by his eyes.

Hey.

You warm enough?

MURMURS

Hi, Alice. Sorry you had to deal with this one.

I've just got the coffee cups left.

-There are more bin liners in the store cupboard.

-Uh-huh.

Oh, Alice.

You've missed a little bit here.

Where?

Just... Just here.

Oh.

CLATTERING

I was thinking about roasting a duck tomorrow.

-Were you?

-Remember the way Mother used to do it?

No. >

How she used to cut the orange slices so she could twist them

and zigzag them all the way across the duck's back.

-GAS HISSES

-Remember?

-Not really.

I'll just remove this, eh?

Well, what if it fell - into the water?

You need a toaster for that.

PILLS RATTLE

Now Father's gone, you can't help thinking about Mother, can you?

Yes, I can.

I don't remember any of those things like you do.

It's all those suicides.

Most people have some memories from when they were little.

And you were nearly 5 when she died.

-Do you want to borrow a pair of pyjamas?

-No.

A good pair of pyjamas is a nice thing to have.

A lot of people appreciate that.

It was a no, Harbour.

We're broke.

Father didn't leave anything - just the books.

And this. Thanks(!)

-Shouldn't we just close down, then?

-Well, it's up to you.

If you think we should close down, we'll close down.

That's what we'll do, then.

DOOR SQUEAKS SHUT

Mary.

Were there any books?

One - in the operating theatre. You've saved nearly £4000 now.

Can we go to the Chinese restaurant, then?

No, we can't afford it. We have to save it for a rainy day.

Nothing bad will ever happen to us.

But if something does happen to me, you'll have to get by.

You should see the people at the hospital and the terrible accidents. I found an ear on the floor again.

Can I read it before you sell it?

No, I want to take it to the shop today.

I think you'll miss the shop if we close down.

Father and I really got it sorted in the last few weeks.

< WILBUR MUNCHES

One morning...

-..he even took my hand.

-I'm going back to bed.

-You've got to go to work.

I must have been sacked by now.

No, it's OK. I phoned them yesterday.

They said just turn up. You're going on an outing.

THUD!

-What's the white one called?

-I don't know. They're all white.

-Yes, but that one.

-It's a snow beast.

-It looks more like weasel.

-Maybe so, but it's a snow beast, all right?

-Snow beast.

When we catch the bus, can I hold you hand?

-Fuck off!

-All right.

-Nancy boy.

Snow beasts do not think twice before they attack.

They can kill a fully grown man in seconds.

That may be possible, but one time Wilbur killed two at once.

And some day, one day, the whole lot just commit suicide.

But why?

Nobody knows. Just go out into the water and drown. They probably don't even know why. Isn't it sad?

BOYS: Yes.

When you crouch, people can see your knickers.

Thanks(!)

Do it again so we can see.

No. Now we're going to the savannah. Come along!

Will you do it when we get there?

No, I don't think so. Perhaps. Oh, all right, then.

They're mad about you. I reckon it must be your masculine approach.

You coming?

I'll be right there.

SOMBRE MUSIC

Hello.

Hello again.

-Hello.

-I'm sorry about the other day.

-Do you still want to buy them?

-Yeah, yeah, of course.

That was kind to lock up the shop.

I was scared it had been silly of me and you couldn't get back in.

Oh, no. Don't worry about it. My brother smashed a window.

-Smashed a window?

-I'd broken his door, so we had to get the builders in anyway.

-Oh.

-I did a deal with a very nice glazier - Menzies. Drives a Saab.

I think that's chewing gum.

Just in your hair.

Maybe when I fell asleep on the bus.

Shall I get rid of it?

It's not very considerate of people leaving chewing gum on bus seats.

I was a bit tired, that's all.

Keep nodding off too.

But it's not such a bad thing.

Don't you have a pair of scissors?

No. We don't dare have anything sharp around. I've got a wee brother.

Wilbur?

TENSE MUSIC

Wilbur?

Wilbur?

Now that Dad's dead, can we get rid of the smoked ham?

Oh, we just bought it. It's brand new.

-Couldn't you sleep?

-I'll have a nap at the nursery later.

You mustn't forget that roast duck.

A girl in the nursery asked me to go to her place for supper.

You could take the duck with you.

If you don't mind, Harbour, I'd rather not hear any more about that duck.

Aye, right, mustn't talk everything to death now.

We've had a nice girl in the shop a couple of times lately.

I think she used to come when Father had it.

The last time, she had chewing gum in her hair.

Sounds delicious (!)

I've got some pretty good books from her too.

After all, business can't come to a complete standstill.

It was, uh, Robert Perry's autobiography, Wuppertal by Night, and, um,

Rock Hudson - the Dream Continues, I think.

Sounds like the kind of girl who knows what she wants.

She might be right up your street.

Her hair was really soft.

Why don't you grab her?

You can't just grab them.

Of course you can.

Just gaze into their eyes, and they come walking straight over to you.

Is that all you do?

Mm.

Would you mind the shop for an hour? I've got to go out.

< Where are you going?

DOOR OPENS

We're closed.

What's become of the Kipling shelf?

We're in the middle of tidying up.

It's for my niece.

She likes Kipling.

HE SIGHS

CAR ALARM WAILS

Now, there's nothing on him, but this one's about pickling.

-Look, do you want it or not?

-Isn't your brother here?

He knows nothing about preserves either. Now beat it.

-Will you fuck off?

-Two quid.

DOOR OPENS >

DOOR CLOSES >

HE SIGHS

GROANS, GAGS

MOANS

WAILS, GRUNTS

THUD!

WILBUR PANTS

GROANS

Come on. Up here. Up here.

That's it. That's it.

GRUNTS

GRUNTS

He hasn't bothered anyone in the group directly. Have you, Wilbur?

That's irrelevant.

Ruby and Claire have drawn up a petition.

He's not to come here again.

There are private clinics if you think he's within reach of therapy.

It can't be from our father. He often whistled at breakfast.

Do you have anything to add, Wilbur?

Does Horst mean sausage in German?

No. But you're close.

PEOPLE CHATTER

Nice collar, Wilbur.

Hello.

Have you read all these books?

Some of them.

Not that one, though. Is it any good?

It's too scary for me.

-And the words are really long. >

-Do you want me to find you another?

-We're closed!

I thought she was one of yours from the nursery.

I don't have anyone like that.

Where are your parents?

My mum's asleep.

And my dad doesn't exist.

Mum.

I'm sorry. I just wanted to sit down.

Don't get up. Sit down. It's fine. Fine. Sit down. It's OK.

Wilbur, this is Alice. You know, the one I told you about.

Uh, Alice, this is my wee brother.

Oh, but, of course, you've already met.

Yes.

I didn't know you had a little girl.

Would you like to stay for supper?

We have a roast duck going spare, now that Wilbur can only eat soup.

Oh no. I'm late for work!

What a shame. Roast duck's really good.

Yeah. No, Mary. Come on.

No, we have to go.

I can give you a lift, if that's OK.

What the fuck are you on about?

What would you give them a lift in? Idiot!

Oh, Wilbur's kind of right. See, uh, we don't have a car.

Oh, we'll just walk.

PANTING

Sorry. Fell asleep again.

That's all right. Just hurry up and get changed, OK?

Here ya are.

Yes, I've just got to get changed. Sorry. I had to help someone.

I tell you what, Alice, just go home and get some sleep.

You needn't bother coming back.

-But it's my job.

-No! It's no good.

You're late. You can't go round with a kid - it was different when she was a baby.

I mean, it's not as if you're actually a good cleaner, is it? Pack your stuff and get out.

Mum.

Hm?

It's odd that that old bookseller was so disgusting

when he had two sons like them.

I can't go there without books.

The one in the collar is a bit of a nutcase.

But the older one is worth getting to know.

Hm.

You could sell the telephone books.

No.

Hi.

Can I help you?

Oh. That's Czechoslovakia.

I haven't got any books with me.

I'll come down.

Now, if there's anything you want to borrow, then...

I won't be getting any more, either, cos they sacked me.

And the books were ones I found at the hospital.

That was a nasty place to work, anyway.

Yeah.

-Maybe you should find yourself a husband.

-Mm.

Yeah.

-It's beautiful.

-Oh, thank you. Look at that!

Isn't it lovely?

This is a wedding present for you, Mary.

-Do you remember when you were a wee boy, you used to go missing?

-No.

I remember once we found you behind some boxes, and the last time, it was two days before you reappeared.

-Where was Mother?

-She was dead, I think.

Father couldn't make me go to school.

I sat there clutching that wee brown jacket you had.

-Yeah, it was really nice and warm, but still very light.

-It's a pencil case.

It's got lots of little things in it - all different kinds of stuff.

Your presents are waiting at home.

What have you got us?

Go on. Tell them.

No. No. They're at home, and they're waiting for ya on your bed.

Look, it's a penguin!

This can be Wilbur.

She isn't used to getting presents.

-It was really nice of you to ask me.

-It was Harbour.

He asked if there was anyone from work who I'd like to invite.

He seems lovely.

I could take Mary for you, if you'd fancy having a night to yourselves.

Wilbur's a nursery nurse.

Oh. Does he live with you?

No.

He's been evicted by the Housing Association

because he was careless with his gas.

He's just staying until he finds another flat.

-Well, in that case, I could just bring him along as well.

-Wilbur?

Yeah. He seems like the sort who just being with puts you in a really good mood.

Yeah? Yeah.

But he's not exactly talkative.

No, but I like that. It's sexy.

You think Wilbur's sexy?

< Oh, you bet he's sexy.

He is drop-dead gorgeous.

CHEERING

Mrs North, I want to dance with you.

-I want to dance with you.

-Me, Harbour. Me.

OK, come on! Whoo!

So, um, just what is waiting on the bed for them when they get back?

Shh, shh, shh.

New duvets.

New pillows. Three of each.

Made of this special down.

I can't remember what brand it was.

Duck?

CHEERING

Goodbye, Alice!

Bye!

-Goodnight, Mrs North.

-Goodnight, Mr North.

See you, Soph. Have a great evening. Thanks a lot.

-I'll get it, brother. See you later.

-Thanks a lot, mate.

OK, do you have any kids?

-No. I haven't.

-Good.

A boyfriend?

Do you have a boyfriend?

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe.

Hey. What was that?

-Well, I just thought I saw some cream on it.

-You just licked my ear.

Yeah, I just licked your ear.

I would have brought a dog if I wanted my ear licked.

Get a grip of yourself. Freak!

Can I have the bill, please?

DOOR OPENS >

THUD!

Here you go.

MURMURS

< WATER RUNS

THUD!

WATER CONTINUES RUNNING

WATER DRIPS

ALICE! CALL AN AMBULANCE!

ALICE!

< Oh God. Oh, Wilbur!

No, no.

Alice, call an ambulance!

HARBOUR SOBS

Oh my God.

They're coming.

Harbour, wrap this around his wrist.

It's too late!

No, no. Harbour. Harbour.

Put this around his wrist.

HARBOUR SOBS

Do it really tightly. Yes.

SOBBING CONTINUES

BIRDS CHIRP

< COUGHING

One day he's going to succeed.

How dare he?

What does the psychologist say?

Seems upset.

Wilbur threw Brussels sprouts at him in the cafeteria.

Well, what did your father used to think?

I tried to make sure he never heard.

Worried him so much every time Wilbur wanted to kill himself. There's a lot of Mother in Wilbur.

What, did...?

Did she kill herself?

No, no. No, it was something congenital.

She spent most of the last two years of her life at the hospital.

Shall we make a start on the atlas shelf?

Did she die there?

No, it was very cold the night she died. It was a really severe frost.

And we'd been to see her at the hospital, and...

Wilbur had just been given a wee sledge,

and he insisted on being pulled the whole way.

I think it's still in the cellar. Mary can have it.

Did she die here, Harbour?

We knew she wasn't allowed to come home while she was in treatment.

But she couldn't help it.

I don't think she could live without Wilbur.

He really was lovable in those days.

So she kept coming to the shop.

Usually father would have to carry her back again.

They kept telling her she wasn't allowed to come home - getting out of bed could kill her.

She was so frail.

I always wondered how neither father nor I heard her knocking that night.

Wilbur was the only one who woke up.

And he went down to the shop.

He saw her knocking on the window. She was just in a hospital nightgown.

And she must have been knocking for ages.

But he wouldn't unlock the door.

He didn't dare let her in,

cos father had said that it would kill her to come home.

All Wilbur did was to climb into my bed.

And I thought that he'd had a nightmare, cos he often did.

And in the morning, when we went out to clear the snow, Wilbur refused to come.

And I found her there.

I think you should ask him if he'll stay here with us.

Thank you.

< Mr Macintyre. Please take a seat. I'll be right back in a moment.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Hi.

I'm meant to remind patients to leave hospital vests and things like that behind when they're discharged.

-No offence. Keep the bandages. They're yours.

-Thanks.

I'm really sorry you can't come to the suicide group any more.

Especially now you've actually experienced being dead.

-Nice tie.

-Oh, it's vintage.

Is Harbour coming to pick you up?

-No.

-Isn't there, um, anything I can do for you?

Yeah. Come over here.

Would you mind licking my ear?

Either?

This one. This one. Come on!

Try again.

Try this one.

Yeah, OK.

You could, um, lick my ear as well, if you like.

All in good time, Moira.

Bye, Wilbur.

Don't say a word. I said I'm sorry.

Wilbur?

I was wondering if we could have a little chat

at some point.

Yeah.

-I do have a question I'd like to ask you.

-Yes.

-If you've got the time.

-Yes, I have.

Are you in any way related to the man they called Horst?

I believe so, yes. Somewhere on my mother's side. Yes.

Yeah?

In that case, I've won 75 quid.

Your liver count's still a bit high but we can do something about that.

Oh, good.

But I'd like to do more tests to identify a suitable medicine.

What's the matter with the one I already take?

Could you sit down a moment?

I'd rather not. Uh, it may be serious, but if so, you'll have to tell me another time.

I'm very busy at the moment.

Hello. Hello, Harbour.

I asked our senior psychologist to pop in,

just to make sure he's kept in the picture.

In the picture?

Well, as to the best way to tell you about this.

Oh, I know Horst perfectly well. My brother wants to kill himself.

Oh. Oh, fine.

Well, I'll let the two of you talk it over together, then.

No, don't worry about it. Not now. Uh...

We've begun renovating the shop - we sell books. Anyway, thanks. Thanks a lot.

Harbour.

So what have you been discussing?

We'd like to keep you in for a few days so we can have you scanned.

I can't accept that.

Well, you can't do it as an outpatient.

No, thanks. I'd rather not. I prefer my own bed. My wife and I have brand new duvets.

Harbour.

Look, I don't have time, I tell ya!

And there is no way I'm gonna be put in hospital!

Wilbur is coming home today.

I want to stay with him and my wife and my daughter, OK?!

It's highly improbable for all of Kipling's books

to be suddenly out of stock. Isn't Harbour ever around?

Yes, but I don't know where he is just now.

You're home.

Do you know if we've got Captain Courageous?

Um...

Don't even try.

That man is just so annoying.

We've got a lot done.

Hm?

Um, we've reached the F's.

MAN: Is Harbour here? >

No, can I help you? >

I've got some books to get rid of.

I'm sorry, but we've got too many ourselves. We only sell now.

-Could your husband have a wee look at them?

-My husband?

-Could you have a look at these?

-No, not really.

-Uh, no, he's not my husband.

-Your boyfriend or whatever.

These are good books. You want to look?

Oh yeah. The Man Brom Bristol and The Man From Bristol II.

Never heard of them. Have you?

It's sci-fi. It's a good ending.

-All right.

-£1 each?

CASH REGISTER DINGS

Bye.

It looks great...

..from here.

Great.

CLATTERING >

Don't give her too much. She'll be sick.

She's a child. She must love sugar.

All right, well, you do it, Wilbur. I've never given a party. My hands are shaking.

Oh. Happy birthday.

Happy birthday.

Birthday girl, give me a hug.

See? See what I made?

It's lovely.

There you go. Up here.

Do you think it looks like a burger?

No.

We always had a birthday cake when we were little. I made a posh one for Wilbur's 7th birthday.

It was so huge, you could hardly see over it. We had those tall pink drinks with straws, Wilbur.

That wasn't us. That was a Mickey Rooney film.

Drink your coffee, Mary. We have to go.

-How can we be sure all the children will come?

-What?

How can we be sure the children will come?

Well, we can't be. Maybe they won't.

No, they'll come.

Oh no. We forgot to buy whipped cream.

I knew there was something. I knew it!

THUD!

HE INHALES SHARPLY

THUD!

(GASPS)

Are you OK, sir?

Are you OK? Hey, Mr North.

Happy birthday.

Happy birthday, Mary.

Hi. Happy birthday. By the way, you have a stain on your blouse.

Where's Harbour?

I don't know. He's on his way.

Hi. Happy birthday, Mary.

What is it?

Doesn't Fatima look lovely?

Yes, really lovely.

You got a stain on your blouse.

Yes, I know.

Happy birthday.

Happy birthday.

There's over 100 kilos of gold in her dress.

100g.

It was my grandmother's. Her name was Fatima too.

Look at the embroidery. 24 carat gold.

< COUGHING

Has something happened to Wilbur?

No, no, no. Here you go.

Where's the cream?

There weren't any more clean coffee cups. But this juice, this is good.

Is there any cream anywhere?

My wife needs some for whipping. Our little girl's nine today.

All the children from school will be wanting whipped cream on the cake. They appreciate whipped cream.

Listen, why don't we go down to my office?

I think I've got a bottle of bourbon somewhere.

Do you think alcohol's a good idea if my liver count's so high?

It won't make any difference.

If he doesn't come home now, you'll have to ask them to leave.

I don't know what to say to them, Wilbur. We've never done this.

And that tall girl, she keeps staring at my tights in a weird way. But they were the only ones I had.

They're very nice.

There you go.

She's just jealous.

The children are much bigger than I...

Listen, listen...

I've been to somewhere between 300 and 400 kiddies' birthday parties,

and they're all identical. Children are always happy, someone always chucks up,

but they're always OK in the end.

Listen, I can see why you wouldn't want to stay here,

but it is the wisest option.

I should've drunk more of this stuff.

Have you ever been to Tennessee?

Actually, yes. I went to a jazz festival.

Do you like jazz?

No. Not any more.

I used to. I used to play the trombone.

Will you let them admit you? Please?

You don't play any more?

Nope.

My dad wasn't in favour.

He wanted me to get a decent job.

Yes.

He must be proud of you.

He committed suicide.

Was he ill?

He also had my dog put down.

He made an appointment at the vet's.

If only my dog had been ill, I would have been able to understand it.

He thought I spent too much time with it,

because it was always lying there, listening, when I played trombone.

What, was his ears all, like, pointing up?

Exactly. Yeah.

Do you expect me to die?

It's hard to tell.

That's why we want to start treatment right away.

That was a wrong thing to do, just having your dog put down like that.

Yeah.

I know a lot of dogs appreciate a good jazz album before they go to sleep.

Yeah.

CHILDREN GIGGLE, CHATTER

Go on, Wilbur. Please stand on your head.

You must be joking. >

What, do you not like children or something?

No, I don't.

What about Mary?

Mary doesn't count.

Please, Wilbur, will you stand on your head?

OK.

Here goes.

Wow!

CHILDREN EXCLAIM

CHILDREN APPLAUD

Well, what the hell happened to you?

Alice, I've got the cream. Don't worry.

Don't you want a plate?

Uh-uh.

Do you not like children as well?

Sure I do.

Will you stand on your head for us, then?

You bet I will.

Now hold that for me.

-HE RETCHES, CHILDREN EXCLAIM

-Ugh! That's minging!

Alice, what the hell have you put in the cake?

Children, don't eat the cake. Don't eat Alice's cake.

Now, we'll scrape that off... I'm sorry.

That's the last time you make a cake, Alice.

That was the best birthday party they've ever been to.

Was it?

Lena says she's gonna make her dad puke up all over the place at her birthday party too.

Go to sleep.

Don't be angry with Harbour, please.

I won't.

Goodnight.

HARBOUR SNORES

It wasn't too bright, was it?

Well, he had no idea what he was doing.

Yeah, that's because he's not used to drinking alcohol.

Maybe he won't remember anything in the morning.

It's a bit rough on Mary, though.

It could have been worse. He was only trying to stand on his head.

This one's still a bit dirty.

Is it?

I didn't like the cake either.

Sorry. Sorry.

I'm sorry. Alice, it was nothing. I'm sorry!

Did I seem very drunk?

No.

No harm was done.

I still think I should phone all the parents.

It will only make matters worse.

I'm so sorry.

You are a fucking moron.

Wilbur.

You know, when you were dead, what was it like?

Harbour, you're hungover. You're not gonna die.

Yeah, of course I'm not. I know that. But what was it like?

How do you mean?

Is there anything there? Is there some kind of huge white light?

It's as dull as dishwater. There's nothing.

Just blackness and utter silence.

It's a bit like being in Wales.

I see.

< WATER RUNS

Where's Mary and Harbour?

They've gone to Fatima's to help wash her dress.

Look, I'm sorry about yesterday.

Yeah, so am I.

I don't know what happened.

It's a very stupid thing to do.

Yeah.

We've never given a birthday party before.

No.

You know, I've been thinking about this all day.

Maybe I should get a girlfriend.

Yeah, that might be best.

Well, that depends on who the fuck it is, of course.

Is that cos it was then?

Well, there were fewer cars.

And the shop is still the same.

Yeah, almost. Ever since I can remember.

Even that old horrible disgusting doormat.

Is that as old as you and Wilbur?

Yeah, I think so. We could get rid of it.

But they're expensive.

Aye, so we'll keep it.

It's not locked.

Ah, Wilbur must be home.

Alice?

Wilbur?

Alice?

Wilbur?

Fatima's mother was calm. It seems the whole family's named Fatima,

except for her younger brother, Bob.

It turns out he goes to Wilbur's nursery.

And the dress is machine washable.

< Hasn't he come home yet?

WATER RUNS

He went out again.

What kind of mood was he in?

Um, a good one, I think.

Arms up.

Shall we make an early night of it?

I think I'd better just go straight to sleep.

After all, I did have a few drinks with one of my friends yesterday.

OK?

Just here.

Hey, why don't you drop by sometime?

Yeah, that would be great.

Hello?

There's somebody here who would like to ask you a question. Um,...

Harbour North, the doctor.

Would you have a look at this medical text book?

Don't look at the illustrations. They're rather macabre.

The book's pretty old.

-But even then, it's not that - 1958 MCMLVIII

-Accepted.

Well, there you go.

See, even then, you can see that I'm no more ill

than they were able to cure, even in those days.

This is chronic pancreatitis. This is a completely different disease.

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

It's OK. Uh...

I'll take it back to the bookshop.

Yeah, do that. It's a fine book.

Fine book.

How's your brother reacting to all this?

Oh, he seems...he seems better.

There was this girl at our wedding - Sophie. Sophie there.

She's a really, really nice lass. Very natural.

Yeah, I know Sophie.

Do you want to be admitted?

I have to tell everyone first.

They might find it strange if I just disappear.

Yeah, well, you probably ought to think about breaking the news to them soon.

I think I'll wait until spring. His mood's always a bit brighter then.

You don't have that long.

No, I can see that's a...problem.

Uh, I suppose I'll, uh...

I'll just have to tell them the way it is.

INDISTINCT CHATTER >

I love him.

I've never loved a man before.

I'll never love anyone that way.

I know.

I know you won't.

I'd rather die than hurt him.

You might not think that's much coming from me, you know. Dying, I mean.

But he is my brother.

I don't want to lose either of you.

Maybe I'll find that girlfriend, yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's a classic.

MAN CHATTERS

I'm off to the nursery.

Don't forget your lunch bag.

Too late.

I know what you're going through. I've got a niece who's retarded.

She can't tell what a strain she is on the rest of us when she's not feeling well.

You had a father to look after too, didn't ya?

Unfortunately, it never bothered him if he was a burden on anyone.

And your mother? Way back then.

Aye, she was in terrible pain towards the end, of course, and...

in those circumstances, you don't always think clearly.

Well, I hadn't ridden a bike for years, but...

well, suddenly I began to realise how beautiful it is on the lake.

Huge, those swans.

Now, I wasn't afraid of them. Not in the slightest.

Hi, Wilbur. Hi.

< Hello. SOME GROUP MEMBERS: Hello.

Don't say hello to him.

What you doing here, anyway?

You've got absolutely no right to be here whatsoever.

OK, I'll, um,...

just see what I can do, all right?

Is that OK, Horst?

By all means.

I think all I need now is the love of a good woman.

You know, just a little one I could take care of or...

or even a bigger one that would take care of me.

Maybe a nurse.

Yeah. That should get the old bus back on the road again.

No metaphors, please.

Sorry.

Something like that?

Mm.

Nearly.

Have another go.

Oh.

SHE SIGHS

-Just try kissing me here. Licking it.

-What?

Just licking right here.

Try some of this, Mary.

Oh, whoops!

Or whatever they say in China.

It's one of those words which is the same in every language, like taxi.

Bus.

Bus?

I don't think so.

You sure you don't want any?

No thanks. I only eat unpolished rice.

The nutritional value of white rice is far too low,

and I think we all know that deep down inside.

ORIENTAL MUSIC PLAYS

To hell with it! I might as well tell you who it was.

It was our Danish senior psychologist, Horst.

He was quite affected when I confided that I'd begun seeing Wilbur out of hours.

I could tell very clearly that he felt torn.

He's not the sort of man to wear his heart on his forehead,

but I suppose I've got the professional expertise.

I can see straight through a facade like that. Straight through.

I'm sure you can.

What's more...

I felt it would be dishonest if I didn't tell him quite frankly

that Wilbur possesses a sexuality

that goes far beyond what the layman would call a normal range.

Um, uh, well, how do you mean?

What about?

The, uh, sexuality bit.

Oh, that.

Christ, well...

I mean, we could go on and on.

Wilbur gets to me in places that I had no idea existed,

even as a nurse.

I'm pretty intuitive myself. I'm sure you've sensed that but...

Wilbur is a rhino...

between the sheets.

Excuse my Chinese.

How lovely for you both.

I wouldn't put any more of that in my mouth, if I were you.

They use monosodium glutamate

and there's a lot of indications it's not just allogenic,

but it also weakens your immune defence system.

Are you a cook?

I'm a nurse.

But I am taking courses in what is erroneously referred to as alternative medicine.

Don't we have something on that in the shop?

Uh, I don't know. Do we, Wilbur?

You're asking me?

If you're having traditional treatment, you have to be very wary of that kind of food.

You know, you can help your husband by taking such matters seriously.

What?

You know, living healthily, if he's gonna have chemotherapy.

I'm not saying you should all change your diets, but you could be supportive.

Chemotherapy?

< I know, it's idiotic.

There's no scientifically proven benefits with pancreas cancer.

I mean, you're all taking it really well.

Pancreatic cancer?

All right! Anybody wanting any pudding here tonight?

Um, no. No, not for me. Thank you.

Nor me.

I don't want any either.

Hang on, it's included in the four-season menu anyway.

Uh, the deep-fried banana sounds good. I'll have that.

< Banana.

Wilbur?

I'll have some of those mandarin things that...

Wee mandarins, aye.

Mandarins. And ice cream for my daughter.

< There'll be ice cream, aye.

I'll have the deep-fried banana too, please.

-A really mushy one.

-< Really mushy.

-She'll have hers to go.

-< No problem, sir.

WATER RUNS

TV BLARES FROM NEXT ROOM

Mary really feels tired after a day like that, huh?

How dare you? Do you think we're complete idiots?

Of course not.

You just can't do that.

You can't just waltz in here

and not bother to tell us you're terminally ill!

You can't do that, Harbour! What about Mary? You're her father now.

What do you take us for? Didn't you think we might want to help you?!

TV VOLUME INCREASES

Of course it is, you stupid man! Of course it is!

And you know it isn't just up to you. It's up to the both of us.

You have to have treatment! You stupid man!

Shall we watch something else?

No, I'm going to bed.

We're just popping over to the hospital.

Now?

Well, that's a pretty good programme.

Will you look after Mary?

Yeah.

Alice, please, you should go home to Wilbur.

It will be a real mess if he goes and kills himself.

If he's afraid I'm gonna have to go through what Mum went through.

-I'm staying with you.

-But it's a men's ward.

-Come on.

Come here.

WATER RUNS

-Are you going to have a bath?

-Um...

No.

WATER RUNS

Have you read The Blue Flag?

WATER RUNS

HE TURNS OFF TAP

READS: 'And whilst he ran and ran through the heather,

'watched only by a narrow sliver of moon,

'that was when it struck him -

'they are taking his childhood from him.'

SHOUTING COMES FROM OUTSIDE

-BOY: Don't go!

-I have to look after my brother.

-You go, I'll go.

Take us with you, Wilbur! We're not bloody staying in this nursery without you.

You must leave Wilbur alone. It's not his fault he's got to leave.

Are they sending you to the front?

If only General was looking for an extra helping hand.

Wilbur's brother's in hospital.

Is he gonna have both legs cut off?

It won't be easy with all those phantom pains.

It's often the best who are the first to die.

Wilbur, we're coming to live with you.

-Please leave Wilbur alone, won't you?

-Put a sock in it!

Sentimental crap is the last thing Wilbur needs.

-What did you have for breakfast this morning?

-Snowballs. Why?

Look, come and see me at the shop when you can read. Now scram!

BOYS GIGGLE

It's gonna be hard to find a replacement who's as lousy with kids as you are.

Goodbye!

They don't make them like you any more.

Hi, Mum.

There's coffee in the pot.

Why you looking like that?

I'm not.

When is Harbour coming home?

-I don't know.

-Will he have to go to the surgical ward?

No, not there. He's on medicine.

If he doesn't come home soon, I don't think we'll be able to keep the shop.

There's nothing you can do, Mary.

Is this the rainy day?

Yes, it is.

Is this the worst that could happen?

No.

The worst that could happen would be if you were the one who was ill.

Or Wilbur.

I'd like to spend the money on the shop.

Well, you have got £4,000, but I'm not sure.

< I want to stay here. I don't want to go anywhere else.

If we give the money to Harbour, we can stay here.

-I don't think he'd accept it, Mary.

-Harbour's like a father to me.

-Where did you read that?

-Somewhere in the bookshop. He's my safe secured haven.

I'm a little shit in the night, and he's my lighthouse.

You're a ship, Mary. I think it was a p.

Maybe. But...

SHE SNIFFS

Are you missing your girlfriend?

I'd be lying if I said I was.

Shouldn't you be getting some sleep?

Yeah.

Can I have a glass of water?

Yeah.

Come on.

Did you ask Harbour if he'd take my money?

Yes. He can't accept it.

-Can I sleep in your room tonight?

-Yeah, come on.

Wilbur, can you come too? You can sleep on Harbour's side.

-I'm not going to bed now.

-Please, or I won't be able to sleep at all.

OK... I'll be right there.

Harbour, um... can we talk about something?

-Alice, they can't tell. They're doing their best.

-No, it's not that.

I mean, that young one said I was responding better to treatment than they'd expected,

but they're not allowed to say much more than that.

-Did Wilbur come to see you yesterday?

-Oh, aye.

Aye, with a huge box of chocolates.

They get bigger and bigger each time.

The whole ward has put on weight.

-Let's just sit down a minute.

-Yeah.

-OK.

HE GROANS SOFTLY

That's better... Things all right at home?

Yeah.

We miss you.

Do you think you could keep a wee bit of an eye on Wilbur?

You have to know him well to tell he's in a state.

He's...he's been acting strange lately.

How are you getting on at home? >

Fine.

-He's read the complete works of Enid Blyton aloud to Mary.

-Oh. Poor child!

-Do you promise me you'll keep an eye on him?

-Yes.

Hey! Where are you going?

Hey!

You there!

WILBUR YELLS

HE GRUNTS

HE YELLS

HE GASPS

Ruby!

Leave me alone!

RUBY GRUNTS

It's too cold. You'll die. You idiot!

Come on. I'll buy you an ice cream.

VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRS

VACUUM STOPS

-Is it raining?

-No.

-Have you been in the river?

Yeah. Just one last time.

HE SIGHS

-How's Harbour?

-Not as cold as you are.

Good. I'll go and see him tomorrow.

Are you gonna move out if he comes home?

Yeah.

I'm going to bed now.

Are you?

-Goodnight.

-Goodnight.

-You're looking quite perky.

-I'm doing very nicely.

We got those books sorted, Harbour.

You won't recognise the place when you come home.

You make sure you leave a wee bit of time for yourselves now and then.

-Oh, if you don't mind, I ought to have a wee bit of a nap.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

That bloody medicine makes you so tired.

-We'll just come back later. Or I will and Wilbur.

-Okey-dokey.

-Right?

-I was just sneaking out.

Bye-bye.

-Thanks for coming.

-Yeah.

Bye, Wilbur.

Hi.

Did you feel like sharing anything?

-Well, you can have my pudding if you want.

-Oh.

No, I don't eat puddings. Goes straight to my buttocks.

Still trying to attract the right man to pop the question.

You'll find someone.

What you have to do, you have to look straight in their eyes,

then, I don't know, they'll do the rest.

-Really?

-Yeah, it works sometimes. Give it a whirl.

-Thanks.

I don't know. Maybe I've been too focused on my work or something.

They've got to have something to hold on to, you know, to believe in, and I...

I mean, it's different with the seriousness of your condition.

I know the outlook is very bleak.

It must be terrible for you and your family. It's horrific.

It really is horrific. If I was in your position, I don't know if I'd have the bravery to cope.

Do you want a tea cake?

Oh, I'd love one.

-There you go.

-Thank you.

-It won't go to your buttocks.

Thank you... Mmm!

Maybe it will go to my chest.

DOOR OPENS >

-All right.

-He's just sleeping, isn't he?

-Yes.

Come over and say hello.

What are all those things for?

They're there to help him get better.

Mary, come over and say hello. Come on.

VENTILATOR PUFFS

-Hello.

-Hi.

Harbour, you look like a Hoover.

-You flirting with me?

-No.

How's the partner? >

Partner?

If you invest in the shop, that makes you a partner.

In that case, I think we should get a new doormat.

Ah, we'll have to discuss that at the general assembly.

Is he dying?

-Does he know?

-Yes. Yes.

Wilbur?

I think he'll come over later, Harbour.

We were discussing at the morning conference whether you could come home for a visit.

Today?

Christmas, maybe.

Nothing much will be going on here anyway.

Would you like to join us?

Oh.

Yeah, my brother loves roast duck.

No, thank you. Uh...

..I'm working.

What time is it?

It's almost 2 o'clock now.

Oh, Sophie will be cleaning your room.

Yes, well, thanks anyway.

HORST SIGHS

I haven't been up here for a very long time.

You're Sophie, aren't you?

You spent some time here as a patient, didn't you?

-Didn't you lose a daughter?

-Yeah.

Eight years ago.

-I'd just moved here.

-Yeah, your English was even worse then.

We couldn't understand a word you said. Maybe that's why it helped.

"AULD LANG SYNE" PLAYS

-Is that a dead duck?

-No, he's hanging in there. He's a fighter.

-Could you get me a cook book?

-There aren't any.

There aren't any? We live in a bookshop.

No, there aren't any duck recipes.

-Doesn't it say anything on the wrapping?

-No. It doesn't.

-# ...for auld lang syne... #

-Did you make this?

No, I think Harbour did. He was more into Christmas decorations.

# ...For the sake of auld lang syne... #

-Shall I show you how to fold one?

-No. I tell you what, why don't you go through there

and hang up all that old junk, eh? After you've switched the music off.

BANG! Why does this have to be so fucking revolting?!

Shall I help you?

No, Harbour will be home in half an hour. He can do it. And he can cut up all the oranges.

He knows how to do all that shit. That's the way it is.

I can't even speak properly to Mary, and you know what I can't stand - you know what I can't bear?!

Is the thought that you might sleep together just because it's Christmas tomorrow.

I know it's not on. I know it's not on, but...

that's the way it is. OK?

Do you know if there's a star?

What? Harbour will be back soon. Ask him!

-He knows these things.

-Stop it.

HE MURMURS

The star...

Star, star, yeah.

"O COME ALL YE FAITHFUL" PLAYS

Hi, Mary.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Ooh, that should be on the tree.

Wilbur made this. Didn't you, Wilbur?

Yep.

Yeah.

Hi, love.

-You all right?

-Yeah, yeah. Hell, yeah.

It's so peaceful here.

-Couldn't find the cookery book, could we?

-No.

-Well, you should never do roast duck according to a cookery book.

-No?

-Have you bought the oranges?

-They're in the fridge.

-Let's go.

-Can we open it now?

-Yeah.

Wait.

-Do you like the coat?

-Yeah, it's so soft. Did you choose it?

-No, they did.

I thought you should have had the red coat. Would you rather have had the red coat?

Yeah, I expect so.

-But after all, you can't always have what you most want.

-I do.

Are you going to sleep in Wilbur's old room?

No. I have to go home.

-Night, night.

-Night.

HE GROANS

-It turned out to be a lovely evening after all, didn't it?

-Yeah.

Wilbur seems like a new person.

Maybe he's finally settled in.

I wish Father could have seen it.

Wilbur didn't come by very often during the last days, but...

sometimes Father thought I was him.

He was so fond of Wilbur.

So was mother.

About two days before he died...

he felt a wee bit better, and when I came in that morning...

he suddenly grabbed my hand and he opened his eyes,

and he said, "Wilbur."

So I was Wilbur.

He thought you were Wilbur?

My father always loved Wilbur very much.

I better go outside and wait for that taxi.

I expect he's got a family to go to as well.

It's OK.

I'm sure Wilbur will see me out.

CAR APPROACHES, ENGINE STOPS

-Are you sure you won't stay?

-I have to get back for treatment.

That's amazing. I don't feel the cold at all in this.

-You'd never believe it when it was so light.

-Yeah. That's what Alice said too.

You are looking after her properly, aren't you?

I don't know.

You must be as nice to her as you possibly can. Promise me that.

-And Mary.

-Sure.

-You know Wayne?

-Hm?

-Wayne, the long-distance driver from the suicide group?

-Wayne, yeah.

Well, he's found himself a girlfriend.

-It's the one with hairy nostrils that you went out with.

-How nice.

-It's nice that people can get together when they don't have anyone else.

-Yeah.

ENGINE STARTS

-You OK there?

-Nae bother. Nae bother.

OK, Wilbur.

All right.

PILLS RATTLE

PILLS RATTLE

HORST CHATTERS

And... A place called...

KNOCK AT DOOR

-Do you want something to help you sleep?

-No, thanks.

More water?

If I want some, I'll get it.

Thanks for your help.

-You're all so very kind.

-Sleep tight.

-There he is.

-Yeah.

-Can he see the shop from here?

-Yeah.

-Why isn't there a headstone with "Harbour" on it?

-He wouldn't have wanted one.

I'm sure he would have thought it was too much trouble to look after.

Promise you'll never forget him.