Bandits

This film contains some strong language.

# Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee

# They're throwing knives into the tree

# Two big bags of dead man's bones

# Got their noses to the grindstone

# Living in the land of nod

# Trusting their fate to the hands of God

# They pass by so silently

# Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee... #

Joe Blake and Terry Collins, this is Lieutenant McCormick

of the Los Angeles police department. Put down your weapons

and come out of the bank with your hands in the air.

One last big heist.

What a great idea.

Yeah, Joe knows best.

Yes, sirree, Joe knows exactly what he's doing...

Exactly what he's doing. And what does Joe get me?

Stuck in a bank called the Alamo, surrounded by

the entire Los Angeles police department. Look out there.

Remember now, people, these guys haven't been prone to violence yet in any of these incidents.

So everybody just stay real calm, all right?

Joe Blake and Terry Collins have finally met their match.

They're running out of luck very quickly.

They'll need more tricks up their sleeve

than Siegfried and Roy to get out of this one.

If you're just tuning in, we're at the Alamo Savings and Loan

in Century City. The place looks like a war zone.

The troops are moving in here. The SWAT Team is moving in...

Lao Tzu says that even the softest of things

can pass through a horse like invisible water.

Thank you for that completely useless bit of information, Joe.

-You know what your problem is, huh?

-My problem?

Yeah. I'm trapped like a rat!

Destined for an early grave.

Kate Wheeler.

You remember Kate...

Traitor, liar,

Queen of double cross, Empress of deceit, Duchess...

OK, I get your point, all right?

Oh, do you, Joe?

Do you really?

Because as I recall, I remember warning you

in the strongest language possible that taking on a full-time hostage

-was an error of epic proportions.

-We had no choice, OK?

-Yes, we did.

Shoot her and bury her body in the woods - that was a choice.

Hey, you brought her in, OK? I recall that!

If we'd have let her go, She'd have gone right to the cops, OK?

Joe, look outside.

She did.

That's exactly what she did.

Kate Wheeler's gonna get the thanks of a grateful nation,

not to mention a sizable reward.

GUNSHOT SCREAMING

We've got shots fired in the location.

Good evening, everybody. I'm Darren Head,

and tonight we have an incredible story for you.

It's a story that's part soap opera, part crime drama,

a story of betrayal and greed.

It's part Bonnie & Clyde, it's part Barnum & Bailey.

It's the story of Joe Blake and Terry Collins,

the most successful bank robbers in the history of the United States.

Shortly before the bloody shootout that took their lives,

I had the opportunity for an exclusive interview when they broke into my house

and, by gunpoint, made me tell their story from their point of view.

The reason I bring this up is that the footage you're about to see

was shot on a home video camera by my personal assistant Julio,

so it's a little shaky and wobbly - not exactly professional.

What happened in the exchange is Blake and Collins revealed to me for the first time anywhere

the inside story of the daring robberies that made them so famous.

24 hours later, Blake and Collins were dead,

and we have an exclusive... OK. Again.

24 hours later, Blake and Collins were dead.

So tonight on a very special edition of Criminals At Large,

the inside story, the true story,

of the Sleepover Bandits.

And...fade to black.

That was great, guys. We're gonna keep that one. All right.

Cut it. We'll use that with the B-roll.

BELL RINGS

It's ridiculous.

If it's not one thing, it's another, if it's not downright apathy.

It's just meanness, plain meanness.

I can't get any support from anybody.

Nobody else has to eat this crap like I do.

Hey, Joe.

Joe...

May I have a word with you, please? Hey, Joe.

It's a violation of my civil rights,

that's what it is.

Cruel and unusual punishment,

expressly forbidden by the constitution, you hear?

Prison is supposed to be cruel and unusual, Terry. It's the whole idea.

That's not what I'm talking about.

What are you talking about?

Garlic.

Warden Currier has banned the sale of fresh garlic in the commissary

because he doesn't like the smell. You see, Joe,

It's like a... it's a miracle drug.

High blood pressure and arthritis and cancer.

Emphysema,

allergies, anything.

-Garlic is the first line of defence, always.

-Hold on one second, Mario.

You see what I'm saying?

And I've got symptoms.

I don't care what that doctor says.

Maybe now's not a good time to talk about garlic?

Yeah.

Hey, Joe. You...you know, don't worry about it. Once you come down out of the ring,

don't do what I think you're gonna do, please.

You remember what I told you, right, Joe?

Don't...uh, don't do the, uh...

You nearly chipped my tooth, Mario.

Joe, for God's sake.

Joe.

Joe! Joe, wait, wait, wait, wait. Joe, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Hey, hey, hey. Joe. Joe, anger management.

Anger mana...Joe! Joe! Joe!

Anger management!

Joe.

Calm down.

Breathe.

# Keep me from the gallows pole

# I couldn't get no silver

# I couldn't get no gold... #

You ever read the Tao?

I'm sorry?

You know, the guy, uh, Lao...

Lay, uh, Lo-wi...Lu...

-Lao Tzu.

-There you go. Lao Tzu.

You know, Joe, I begged you to stay out of the library.

You begged me to work on my anger management.

Yeah, well, medication's quicker.

It's much more effective.

-You know what?

-Huh?

I would like to sleep in a comfortable bed tonight.

I'd like to have me a cheeseburger...

French fries...

A big old chocolate milkshake for dinner.

Ancient chinese wisdom?

No. Just hungry.

I definitely chipped my tooth.

Aah!

For the love of God,

Does no one else hear that infernal ringing?

Oh, yeah, sure, go ahead and laugh,

but according to the latest research,

tinnitus, which is what they call it - that's what I've got in my ear,

I don't make this shit up, is an actual disease.

# I couldn't get no silver I couldn't get no gold... #

Go ahead and laugh.

Play basketball, have fun.

In the meantime, I've got Goddamn Quasimodo going off in my head...

Bell tower, you understand me?

I got a bell tower in my head!

# Hangman, hangman

# Hold it a little while... #

-Hey, you the driver of this thing?

-Yeah.

Pretty easy to drive, is it?

Pretty easy. Uh-huh.

Aargh!

Joe?

# Did you get some silver? Did you get a little gold? #

Oh, my God,

Joe, what are you doing in the cement truck? Joe? Joe?

CHEERING

Joe, what am I doing?

What am I doing?

HORN HONKS

GUNSHOT

CHEERING

Why are we in the concrete thing, getting shot at?

Just keep your head down!

Joe!

Take it down!

# Save me from the wrath of this man, man

# Man, man, man, man, man

# Hangman... #

Joe. Jesus. There's, like, a truck! Aah!

# You got a fine sister

# She warmed my blood

# To keep me from the gallows pole... #

ALL: Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe!

# Your brother, he brought me silver

# Your sister, she warmed my soul

# But now I laugh and pull so hard... #

-How long you been planning this?

-It just sort of came up.

# Cos now I laugh and pull so hard

# And see you swinging on the gallows pole... #

Hang on to something.

# Swinging on the gallows pole

# Swinging on the gallows pole

# Swinging on the gallows pole

# Swinging on the gallows pole Whoo

# I keep swinging

# I keep swinging... #

Deer!

Plastic.

Don't you think we should be looking for a road?

-Joe.

-Stop. Stop, please.

-Ma'am.

-Uh-huh?

-We're gonna need to borrow your car.

-You are?

-Yes.

Would you just unhook your seat belt, please?

Come on. Here you go. Very nice.

Thank you.

That's a really lovely dress.

Thank you.

Come on.

-Thank you!

-Get in the car!

-OK.

Ma'am.

-Yes?

-Don't forget your purse.

Thank you.

OK. First things first. We need... What do we need? We need clothes.

We're gonna need money.

A place to hide. We better get a new car pretty quick.

I don't feel good driving down Main Street wearing clothes that say, "inmate," you know what I mean?

-Hey, why are we stopping here?

-This is where they keep the cash.

Hey! Stupid!

HORNS HONK

What cash?

-Didn't you say something about needing money?

-Well, yeah, but not right now.

Look, Joe, let's just discuss this for a minute, OK?

I mean, I know money's on the list, but it's not at the top of the list.

-Bingo!

-Bingo what?

What do you mean, bingo?

Are you gonna knock over a bank with a magic marker?

What are you gonna do, write on them? We don't even have a plan.

You have to have some kind of plan to rob a bank.

We're wearing denim uniforms that say "inmate".

Unless these people are blind, I don't think this is gonna work.

You understand?

Don't move.

Take out your gun,

Thumb and middle finger on the butt.

Hand it to me slowly.

Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.

Ladies and gentlemen, we'll be out of your way in just a second. No phone calls, no alarms, please.

Cash drawers open. Take a bag, fill it with cash.

Take a bag, fill it with cash. Cash, please.

-Ma'am, is there any other cash in the back?

-No.

-Don't touch that phone, sir. Are you sure?

-I'm positive.

-Are you telling me the truth?

-I'm telling you the truth.

-You look very honest.

-Quickly, please. Thank you.

-He made no plan whatsoever for this.

Put that right in there. We'll take that. Thank you.

Thank you, thank you. I'll take that. Here we go.

OK. Thank you very much.

Oh, there's just never enough time when you're working.

Thank you for your cooperation. No phone calls, no alarms.

Here we go. Come on. Take that. Come on. Take this.

Sir, in case you need to highlight anything. Here we go. Come on.

Hey, hey, hey. Stop, stop.

Hey, whoa, ho, ho, ho! Ho!

-Ho! Ho!

-What?

-Sir, we need to borrow your car.

-Find a bus, asshole.

Hey, come over here. This car.

# Let's steer it awhile let's steer it about

# Take the long way home

# Long way home

# Take the long way home

# Long way home

# Make this night last

# Well we drove downtown and out in the woods... #

You got the gun?

GUNSHOT

No.

# And all this time I was driving about

# She was fondling my hair and holding my neck

# And all I was thinking was Oh, what the heck? #

-Come back here, Goddamn it.

-Hold it!

Come on. Sit up and act regular.

# Take the long way home

# Make this night last. #

Hold it right there.

Chest pain, left arm a little numb,

accelerated heartbeat, spots.

I'm actually seeing spots.

Hang on. Hang on. Hang on.

I'm feeling nauseous.

# Two big red lights shining in my eyes

# I pull over and he drove alongside

# And out of his car and up to my right

# He looked at her, and she looked at him... #

Out! Out! Out! Out! Out!

Terry, come here.

Are you all right?

May I please go back to prison?

Not yet.

DISTANT MUSIC PLAYS

# I can handle this, but I can't handle anything else

# It's my own mistake

# It's based on me and not on my grades

# It's the little things in my pants

# That we're all livin' for

# I never really knew

# What that thing down there was used for

# Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo

# Yo I kill the rock, rock, Rock, rock, rock, yo

# Then she killed my

# Brain, brain, brain, brain

# Brain, brain, brain, brain

# Nothing hurts anymore

# Never mind, then she killed my

# You wicked gay But then today

# I think I'll be hardcore

# If I forget to take my medicine

# Then I'll be sick I'm so hot to trot

# I'm stealing all my beats from the blacks

# And from all the young girls is where I steal my act

# Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo

# I kill the rock, Rock, rock, rock, yo

Oh, shit!

# Brain, brain, brain, brain, brain

# Brain, brain, brain

# Nothing hurts anymore Never mind

# Then she killed my brain

# Oh, ooh

# Oh, ooh

# Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

# Oh, ooh

# Oh, ooh

# Whoa, whoa, whoa, Whoa, whoa

# I can't stand it

# I can't stand it... #

MUSIC STOPS

What's your name?

Cheri.

Zip up your pants, Cheri.

You, too.

I'm Phil.

So where's your mom, Cheri?

-My mom doesn't live here anymore.

-And your dad?

Oh, he's fishing for the weekend.

So your dad left you here all alone.

Oh, no. He thinks I'm at a friend's house.

And how about you, Scooter?

Oh, I told my folks I had a soccer trip.

You lied to your parents?

Oh, you're kidding, right?

No, I'm not kidding.

I'm sorry...who are you guys?

Hey, you're inmates.

What did you say your name was?

Uh, Phil.

You think there's something funny about being an inmate, Phil?

We're bank robbers, OK?

So what's on our mind?

Parizo Del Mar.

Parizo?

Paradise. My uncle owns this little hotel on the water,

about 100 miles south of Acapulco.

That's Mexico.

Right. That's where they keep Acapulco, Terry.

But I have sanitation issues, Joe.

We'll buy the hotel, turn it into a nightclub and resort.

I could wear a tuxedo, sell margaritas to the tourists.

We could have some fun.

You'd do that?

I mean, you and me?

Yeah.

Partners?

Partners.

Tuxedos and margaritas?

-Good, right?

-Yeah.

I can run the kitchen.

You could work the room.

It's a high-risk business, but, I mean, considering the alternatives,

I got to say I think that sounds really good.

I just have one question. How do we pay for it?

Well...

We ARE bank robbers.

So where is it?

Below my belt and above my knees.

No. You know what I mean.

You are gonna get us killed.

Maybe I'll save the day, and we'll both be rich and famous and on TV.

I think there's a way to do it right. I'm sure of it.

So, where is it?

In Daddy's closet, behind the golf clubs.

All right. I'm going.

What's the biggest problem every time you rob a bank?

-Getting caught?

-Exactly.

There's guards to shoot at you. There's tellers to hit alarms.

-There's customers to get in the way, right?

-Right.

-Huh?

You need to control the environment...

No guards, no tellers, no customers.

Yeah, but if you work at night, you still got to deal with the alarms.

But we don't work at night.

When do you do it? Holidays?

No.

We do it with the bank manager in the morning,

with the bank manager's keys and the bank manager's vault codes

because we kidnap him the night before.

I mean, think about it.

We pick a town. We pick a bank.

We find out who's in charge. We pay him a visit.

We spend the night with him, like we are here.

The next morning, we all go to work together

before anybody else gets there...

..and we take the money and run.

Tuxedos and margaritas, Joe, just like you said.

Life will be like one big sunset.

Want to see something neat?

Aim the shotgun at me.

What?

Aim it at me.

Freeze?

Pretty good. But first you got to pump a shell into the chamber.

Like this.

Neat.

The conversation is over, all right?

I feel good in this collar, I've always liked this kind of collar.

But you boned me on the pants, Joe.

It's really not fair. It's a low blow.

I picked those pants out for me.

I laid them out. I specifically chose those.

Well, well, look at you gentlemen.

Are the clothes all right?

Ooh! Aren't we looking a bit spiffy in plaid?

Oh, he likes plaid.

-Oh, two sugars, right?

-Thank you very much.

-Cheri, we're gonna have to borrow Phil's car.

-Hey!

-That's OK. He doesn't mind.

-The hell I don't.

That's a new transmission.

So where are we headed?

-Rufus.

-Where's Rufus?

-It's up the road a little ways.

-What's at Rufus?

Pow.

Pollard...

Harvey Pollard.

What?

Oh, you feel the need to shoot?

Well, go ahead and shoot, then.

-CLICK CLICK

-Mmm!

What, you feel the need to shoot?

Well, go ahead and shoot, then.

CLICK

Oh, to hell with it.

Feel the need...

Draw! Oh!

IMITATES GUNSHOTS

Aah!

Ooh! Uhh!

Hey!

Yo, dog!

-Joe!

-Ha ha ha!

Joe?

HE BARKS

-Heh heh heh.

-Joe.

-HE GROWLS

-Woof woof!

-What's up? I thought you were still in...

-No, no. No. Got out early.

Let out early. Terry...

say hello to my cousin Harvey Pollard.

Glad to know you. Any friend of Joe's, man...

Was it Harry?

Terry.

Those are wicked pants.

So, what are you doing? Working?

Special effects.

Well, stunt work, primarily.

Well, mostly training right now. Damn squibs won't fire.

We're looking for somebody who can handle a car.

Oh, I can do that. Why?

Banks.

You're fooling with me.

Hell, Joe, I'm just the man you're looking for.

You want a beer?

-Yeah, I'll take a beer.

-OK.

BANG

BANG BANG

Timer malfunction.

Draw!

Heh heh heh.

I'm gonna get a beer.

He's honest, and he falls real good.

Heh heh heh!

Me, I'm gonna make a name for myself in fire.

I've been practicing with gels,

you know, mostly on my hands, but I need a suit.

Harvey, speaking of the job...

You ever wonder why a man set himself on fire

-and jump off the top of a 12-storey building?

-Gosh, no, I didn't, Harv.

Women love a man who loves danger.

HE CHUCKLES

'You guys were talking about the frontman. You kept mentioning this guy.

'Will you explain what exactly the frontman does and who he is?'

Well, Darren, the frontman handles

pretty much everything else except robbing the bank.

He rents the rooms.

He gets the supplies, the food that, you know, we would eat.

He drives the getaway car.

Right. Joe and I maintain what you call a low profile.

-Right.

-If the frontman is never seen in a bank,

we're never seen out of one.

And I plotted all the banks that we would rob from Oregon to California.

Our first bank on the list was the Oregon City Bank.

So the schedules and the routines and the bank guards, the tellers,

we got it all down,

but mostly we watched our first hostage.

Darill Miller, the bank president, who didn't know it yet,

-but he was about to spend the night with the sleepover bandits.

-Whoa.

-That sounded good, right?

-Yeah, it's pretty...

"..didn't know it yet, but he was about to spend the night with the sleepover bandits."

It's very newsworthy.

Look, it's his job, all right?

I asked him to get me a good moustache,

but this looks like it come out of a cracker jack box.

This is not about the moustache. We're going to work.

He got you a nice wig.

Look at you. You look great.

Have you noticed the burns? They're kind of flapping.

DOORBELL RINGS

WOMAN: Hon, can you get the door?

Everybody, dinner in a half-hour!

Howdy. TRIGGER COCKS

We're here to rob your Goddamn bank. Now just get in there.

WOMAN SOBS

It's OK, Mommy.

The important thing here...

The important thing to remember...

The important thing is that we spend a quiet night together,

then tomorrow morning, bright and early,

we all go down to the bank together and...

It's really a reasonable proposition if you think about it.

Sure.

Whatever you say.

That's the spirit.

-Stop playing with your food, Erika.

-But it's too long.

Here. Next time, I want you to try to wrap it around your fork...

just like daddy does.

-Cut mine, mom.

-Just a second, hon.

-The sauce is too red.

-It's not too red.

Yes, it is. The sauce is too red.

You know, actually, Mrs Miller, this sauce is quite terrific.

-It's delicious.

-Isn't it?

I hate it.

Thank you.

-What time's the vault set for?

-7:30.

-Tomato lemon?

-Yes.

-Mm-hmm.

Lemon zest, oregano, a little cream... See, I cook a little.

Keys?

Two.

I have one.

The operations officer has the other one.

There's something in here I can't identify, though. Is it basil?

-No.

-Hmm?

Rosemary? No, don't tell me.

Don't tell me.

It's not that big of a deal.

It's saffron.

Yes.

Yes, it's saffron.

Bingo. I knew it.

You know, sometimes I put a little sugar in mine. It cuts the acidity.

-Sugar.

-Thank you. I'll...

-try to remember that.

-Little tricks, you know.

Want to see something cool that I can do?

Sure.

SHE BELCHES LOUDLY

THEY GIGGLE

-Monica!

-What?

We've got guests...

Sort of.

# Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee

# They're throwing knives into the tree... #

You really think you're gonna fool anybody in that getup?

You look like Neil Young from that... What was that album?

After...The Horses or...

It was After The Gold Rush, and that's not the one.

It's the one where he's leaning against a tree in the snow.

That's what I was actually going for.

'Getting out of the bank is almost as important as getting into it.

'The hostages were kept under the strictest possible guard

'To prevent escape or alarm of any type, you see?'

See, we had to bring their kids along,

uh, the Miller children.

-Butane?

-Copy. This is Butane.

You're all clear and ready to rock and roll.

Please turn your music down. I can't hear a word you said.

-You're ready to rock and roll!

-Thank you.

OK, girls. You just stay right here.

Everybody should be here in ten minutes.

-What's the all clear?

-What's that?

Washington... on the inside.

What?

George Washington.

When it's all clear, he's facing in.

Oh.

Make it all clear, Darill.

# They walk among the stately trees

# They know the secrets of the breeze

# Tweedle Dum said to Tweedle Dee... #

Cool.

# Your presence is obnoxious to me

# Feel like baby sittin' on a woman's knee

# Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee

Three more.

-Good morning.

-Good morning, Darill.

- Good morning, Darill.

Good morning, ladies.

Is this a joke?

No, ma'am. This is a bank robbery.

Hurry it up. It's not a parade. Come on.

All righty, then. Just have a seat with everybody else.

It's not gonna take long. Monica?

-I have to go to the bathroom.

-No more juice boxes, Chloe, OK?

If it weren't for the fact that the kids had bladders

the size of hummingbirds, it would have been done.

Well, they drank a lot of juice.

One of these days, you're gonna get caught. It's a very dangerous job.

Aren't you ever scared and afraid?

Ha! When you know danger the way we do,

I know it like an animal, Like a wild animal.

You know what they call me in jail?

-No, I don't.

-The panther.

Thank you very much for your cooperation.

Please make no attempt to escape. We'll monitor the police scanners, and we'll kill you if you do.

When you're a well-oiled machine,

-you exude danger.

-Sure.

People fear you.

They fear your presence.

The gun, really, is secondary.

-OK!

-Thank you.

# They run a brick and tile company

# Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee... #

Now listen. We go our separate ways.

-Two weeks from today, we meet...

-Klamath Falls.

Right. You take this map. It's on there.

-I want to go with Joe.

-You can't do that.

They're looking for two men, that's why we're splitting up and going solo as planned.

What am I supposed to do for two weeks?

-You stay out of trouble. Try that.

-What about the minivan?

-You leave it here.

-I like the minivan. It's roomy.

I appreciate that, but as it's a stolen minivan,

It's probably better that you leave it here.

-Let's go.

-What about my money?

There's yours right there. We split it three ways, nothing fancy.

I'm gonna buy me a fire suit, first thing.

-I bet I can mail-order one out of LA.

-Way to go.

-Good job, man.

-You too, buddy.

-Did good.

-Be careful.

-Be careful. Stay out of trouble.

-What are you gonna buy with your shares?

-Paradise.

Two weeks. Klamath Falls. Be careful!

MEGAPHONE: Joe Blake and Terry Collins,

This is Lieutenant McCormick of the Los Angeles police department.

Put down your weapons and come out of the bank

with your hands in the air.

This could be a bad time, but I just want to point out

-that I did warn you that that woman would be the ruin of us.

-Right.

Understood.

But as our future looks rather bleak and miserable,

I suggest we figure out what got us here in the first place...

Which brings us back to that woman.

TAPE RECORDER: 'The most common symptom of vaginitis

'is an abnormal vaginal discharge, often...'

TAPE FAST FORWARDS

'..probably from an allergic reaction to mites.'

MUSIC: "Holding Out For A Hero" by Bonnie Tyler

# I need a hero

# I'm holding out for a hero till the morning light

# He's got to be sure and it's got to be soon

# And he's got to be larger than life

# Larger than life

# It's gonna take a superman to sweep me off my feet

# I need a hero

# I'm holding out for a hero till the end of the night

# He's got to be strong and he's got to be fast

# And he's got to be fresh from the fight

# I need a hero

# I'm holding out for a hero till the end of the night... #

Out of gas.

Shit.

What is that smell?

It's a gratin of Florence fennel,

new potatoes,

clam and sorrel soup

with cream and mirepoix

and stuffed quail.

Kate, I have a dinner tonight - clients.

Tonight?

Oh, well, it's just for fun.

I'm going to the gym. See you.

-Sweetheart?

-Yeah?

Why don't you go see a movie?

TYRES SCREECH

# We'll be holding on forever

# And we'll only be making it right

# Cos we'll never be wrong

# Together we can take it to the end of the line

# Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time

# All of the time All of the time

# I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark

# We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks

# I really need you tonight

# Forever's gonna start tonight

# Forever's gonna start tonight

# Once upon a time I was falling in love

# Now I'm only falling apart

# There's nothing I can do

# A total eclipse of the heart... #

Aah!

Stop!

-Oh, my God!

-Ow!

-Oh, my God!

Are you all right? Are you OK?

HORNS HONK

Come on. I'm so sorry.

Come on. Hospital, hospital.

'Cascade Memorial Hospital is located at...'

Can you wiggle your toes?

Voices...

'22nd Avenue...'

Hearing voices.

Where are the voices? Are they... Are those in my...

Hey, wait.

Uh, hey. You pull... You pull...

You pull over and... You pull over and get out of the car.

You don't have to get all huffy about it.

You need to pull the car over.

-It was an accident.

-Listen, I'll shoot you with this thing.

Oh, go ahead. It'll be an improvement, believe me.

-Will you listen to me, miss?

-Kate.

Kate. I'm a desperate man.

-Desperate?

-Yes.

-You don't know the meaning of the word.

Desperate is when you wake up in the morning and wish you hadn't.

It's knowing that every time you get behind the wheel of a car,

you're only a tree away from ending the empty charade

that your life has become. So don't talk to me about desperate.

TYRES SCREECH

On second thought, why don't you just pull over and let me out here?

-Thank you for the lift, but I'll be fine.

-No!

-I'll walk from here.

-Why?

-I'm feeling very fragile at the moment. I don't think I should be alone.

-You're insane!

TRUCK HORN HONKS

I'm unhappy.

It's not the same thing.

Hey. I'm a fugitive from justice.

I'm a dangerous criminal.

-Oh, well, that explains the hijacking.

-You hit me!

You can't step in front of a moving automobile and expect it to stop.

-Yes, you can. I've seen it done.

-Would you not yell at me?

Can you slow down or something? I want to get out of here.

I'll jump. That's what I'm gonna do.

How do you unlock this door?

Push a button. Let...let... Unlock this door.

So, where you headed? I'll drop you.

You're in no shape to drive.

So you're a fugitive, huh? What did you do wrong?

Everything.

'Alert. Your global positioning system is rerouting.'

Where is that coming from? What is that?

Between the second set of trees.

The second set of trees right here.

Look at me! I'm on fire! Ha ha ha ha!

Just don't ask.

Lookee! Yeah!

What the hell is this?

Kate, Paul Bunyan. Paul, Kate.

Kate?

-I ran out of gas.

-And?

And she hit me...with her car.

OK. She hit you with her car.

What the hell did you bring her here for?

Well, one...I had no choice.

Two...I may have suffered a slight concussion,

and three...she's mentally unbalanced to a spectacular degree.

I can hear you.

I tried to escape. She wouldn't stop.

I almost jumped from a speeding car, do you hear me? I had double vision.

What was I gonna do?

Your left eye's a fraction darker than your right one.

Nobody ever noticed.

I'm Joe.

I'm Kate.

-Oh, what happened to your tooth?

-All right. OK.

Why don't you just go on your way, OK?

Act like you never met us.

-Send us a postcard from crazy town.

-Can I stay here?

Just that I don't know where else to go.

It'll only be one night.

-Please?

-I'm not sure we can do that.

Absolutely no way. There's... that's not possible.

I can't go home.

I can't.

I could go to the police.

I mean, what's to stop me leading them straight to your hideout?

What are you hiding from, anyway? He wouldn't tell me.

He's very, very discreet.

-Come here, Joe.

-What are you...

-What's with the pulling?

-I want to talk with you.

Jeez, this is a very, very bad idea.

In the history of bad ideas, this is a humdinger, OK?

-No. She's right about the police.

-Shoot her.

-Bury her body in the woods.

-What am I, invisible?

-She doesn't have anyplace to stay.

-It's none of our business.

-It is now you've brought her here, isn't it?

-I needed a ride, OK?

I mean, there I was sprawled out on the asphalt, OK?

You know the hardest thing about being smart?

-No.

-I always pretty much know what's gonna happen next.

There's no suspense.

And don't think I didn't see the look in your eye over there

and feeling her little hair and all that kind of stuff.

I'm implementing a 24-hour rule from now on, OK?

It's in effect.

24 hours.

-24 hours and not a minute longer, missy.

-Thank you.

"Missy."

Hey. I'll cook dinner.

I cook the dinners around here.

Sorry. Not familiar with the outlaw code.

Does that mean I'm a hostage?

Well, I was in Las Vegas. Don't get excited.

I'm not talking to you. Well, Joe, you know the costs.

Hotel remodelling, real estate.

I've estimated 20,000 for the kitchen alone.

We're talking about restaurant quality here

-and that's not to mention the nightclub.

-I got a crippled cousin

in New Hampshire that's going in for her seventh operation on her leg.

I got my mother's people up in Ottawa, the aunts and the uncles.

-These bills add up, Terry, OK?

-Listen, I'm duly impressed

by any and all charitable contributions. How crippled?

Did you know you could bet on Irish hurling?

Hey, hey, hey. Excuse me, Harvey.

I'm trying to figure out why my partner here,

when he wasn't helping improve the Blake family standard of living,

managed to spend 200,000.

-I met a very lovely young lady from the Netherlands down in San Diego...

-Oh, colour me surprised.

..who took me to this Oktoberfest deal and they had a big parade

and she wanted to ride on one of the floats, OK?

So I bought her one.

Now, we're drinking these big steins of, uh...Holland beer,

and one thing leads to another and I'm throwing 50 bills out to the crowd!

-The thing about Irish hurling is that it's like football with sticks.

-Stop it.

Stop it, please.

For God's sake, Pollard, OK?

OK. You meet a girl. You go to a festival.

-October festival.

-Oktoberfest. You throw 50 bills to the crowd.

-I notice you got a new gold watch.

-An 18 carat gold watch.

-I don't give a shit how many carats it is.

-36 grand. It's no big deal.

You could ask somebody for the time, it's a lot cheaper. Anything else?

Well, yeah. We stayed a couple days longer than I thought we were gonna

down in San Diego, and I had to get her back to the Netherlands,

So I chartered a private jet to take her home.

Oh, of course you did.

-The Netherlands.

-Yeah.

Joe.

What?

Listen.

Let me try to explain something to you. Paradise doesn't come cheaply.

Now, I've figured this down to the last nickel.

Now, and here's the important part...

Every nickel that we spend is a nickel that we have to steal.

Now, that's a lot of nickels, Joe.

I don't want to rob banks for the rest of my life.

The stress level is just too damned high.

Harvey? Joe?

Dinner's almost ready.

Now, this is not bad.

It's a little...

It's a little chewy, but...

You boys ever eat and talk at the same time?

We used to.

So, what sort of work do you do, crimewise?

Bank robbery.

Well, they rob banks. I drive the getaway car.

Harvey.

That's enough, Harvey.

Wait a minute. You're not the...

The guys who go to the bank manager's house

-the night before, and you...

-They do. I drive the getaway car.

Harvey!

For the love of God.

You're the Sleepover Bandits.

Oh, my God, you're practically famous.

The Sleepover Bandits?

-That's us?

-Don't you watch Criminals At Large?

You should. They're watching you.

You're astounding, Harvey.

So...

You rob banks. Well, that's impressive.

What, some little old lady's savings account and cub scout dues

and homeless orphan Christmas funds? Is that what...

We never stole a penny from anybody who earned it, lady.

That money's federally insured by the government.

The government steals money from people and we just take it back from them.

Any more questions, Kate?

Got a spare toothbrush?

Didn't have time to pack.

God, nobody could be that sick.

Put that down.

May I?

What are you doing here?

Cleaning my teeth.

I mean, manic depression, delusion,

I understand all of that. It's very impressive, but...

Do you know how many germs are on your finger? That kind of defeats the purpose.

Well, if you don't give me a toothbrush, I don't have much option, do I?

I don't think you're crazy at all, You know that?

I think you're bored.

I think you're bored with your life

and you're expecting that some miracle's gonna drop out of the sky

and suddenly make everything better or at least hopeful,

because you lost hope a long time ago

and your marriage sucks.

But I'm sorry, Kate. We can't help you.

You don't know me. You only think you do.

You're joking.

Saw it in a movie.

How does it end?

With a wedding.

Beavers and ducks!

Suckers.

I'm not waiting for anything to fall out of the sky.

I'm not bored. I'm angry.

Maybe he's right about running out of hope.

It's not entirely my fault.

It's just that I picked the wrong life.

SHE SOBS

The Valley Spirit is a woman.

Use her root at the gateway of heaven

and it will never fail.

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Not a clue.

I'm hoping it means, "Figure out what you want and just take it."

Oh, please.

What, like robbing a bank?

Like that, yeah.

If only life were that simple.

# Like a shadow on me all of the time... #

I don't know what to do...

I'm always in the dark...

We're living in a powder keg giving off sparks...

Once upon a time I was falling in love...

Now I'm only falling apart...

Nothing I can do...

Total eclipse of the heart.

# Once upon a time there was light in my life

# Now there's only love in the dark

Nothing I can do...

Total eclipse of the heart.

Oh, my God.

Give me a break.

Turn around, bright eyes.

I can't believe you know that song.

Yeah. Bonnie Tyler.

Total Eclipse Of The Heart. It's the ultimate sappy chick song.

-It's not a sappy chick song.

-It's very sappy.

No, it's not. Please don't argue. I'm having a really hard day.

This is the song that all girls...

-It is an epic haiku to the complex...

-A what?

It's a haiku to the complexity of love.

It's also pretty embarrassing for guys.

When that song was out, I used to listen to it on the radio.

I have to admit,

I would get a little misty.

Really?

Yeah, a little.

And...I would appreciate it if you didn't mention that to anyone.

I won't...I won't tell a soul.

Thanks.

-Oops.

-HE LAUGHS

THEY BOTH LAUGH

-That's all right. I'll get it.

-Oh, I'll get it.

No, no. Why don't you just stay under the covers there?

You know what other song jacked me up when I was a kid?

That song about the pony - Wildfire. You know that song?

Oh, I love that pony song. I love all pony songs.

-Really? You know...

-Yeah.

It's the one that goes # Ride, pony, ride... #

That's Mustang Sally. Close. It's a horse.

-Wasn't the pony called Sally?

-Not this pony. He was called Wildfire. He busted down the stall.

# Busted down his stall... # You don't remember that?

And they called him Wildfire.

Joe?

Yeah.

I think I know what I want.

Amazing.

Joe, the 24-hour rule is all that stands between us and chaos.

Are you listening to me?

We're at kind of a crossroads here and I want you to be very clear about my meaning.

I'm changing the 24-hour rule, OK?

No, you don't understand. She's a missing person.

Missing...meaning that someone's looking for her. You get it?

I'm changing the 24-hour rule.

May I help you?

Oh, I'm sorry. We're here to rob your bank.

What the hell's that?

It's a disorder that affects your ability to regulate sleep and wakefulness.

I thought he was dead.

No. That's cataplexy, a secondary symptom.

Sudden loss of voluntary muscle control.

I just have one question. Why now?

Well, in Lare's case

emotional stress is the primary ignitor.

Do you have a guest bedroom here, ma'am?

-Now we're just gonna ask you to step right over here in the manager's office.

-Go ahead.

'You never know what's gonna happen during a robbery.

-That's the thing.

-Sure.

-There's always a surprise of some kind...

I mean, beyond your control... But, I mean, the thing is

that you have to remain calm under pressure and think on your feet.

All I'm saying is it just seems a little silly falling asleep during a bank robbery.

Well, it may appear silly to you

but there's a perfectly reasonable explanation.

Uh...

I'm sorry. I'm a little nervous.

It's OK, Larry. There's nothing to be nervous about.

You see, my body chemistry

is extraordinarily sensitive to suggestion.

Any symptom can be manufactured, given the right circumstances,

and that, by the way, doesn't mean it isn't real.

Aah! Jesus, this stuff is hot.

THUMP

Go get Mrs Fife.

So I met this girl, and, you know, I wanted to impress her, so I said,

"You want to see me light my hands on fire?"

You know, because I bet she'd never seen anything like that before,

and she said, "What about your head?"

-Your head?

-Yeah, my head. Like, I don't have the proper gear

for that kind of stunt, at least not yet. I said, "No way,"

but she wouldn't listen, you know?

Flaming hands wasn't enough.

She wanted to see me set my head on fire.

So what did you do?

Singed off half my hair.

A little bit more, sweetheart. Here you go.

-Is he coming around?

-Yeah.

-Because we really need him to come around.

-He's coming around.

We don't have much time. This is ridiculous.

-It's the emotion thing.

-Nervous breakdown here.

Guys, we have a problem.

We got multiple bogies at 9 o'clock.

-BELL RINGS

-What the hell is that?

It's the drive-up window. Someone's at the drive-up.

At 8:00 in the morning?

HORN HONKS

-What do we do?

-Nothing.

-Hello?

-HORN HONKS

I'm telling you, you act too eager,

Dottie's never gonna give you a second look.

Women do not respond to need.

HORN HONKS

It's the police.

Good morning.

Where's Dottie?

Who?

The drive-up girl.

Oh, I'm sorry. Dottie. Of course. Uh, she's sick.

Sick with what?

Vaginitis. She's been suffering from an abnormal vaginal discharge.

It's a common symptom - a viscous fluid usually associated with, uh...

Well, vaginitis.

It's usually is associated with...

All clear, bubba.

-You all right?

-That was great.

-It's exciting, right?

-Yeah.

Why a college parking lot?

Always lots of cars around, even in the morning.

Leave the Jaguar here.

No gambling.

I'll see you in Tonopah in two weeks, you understand?

-Yeah. All right.

-You hear me?

Eh, he'll get tired of her. It just takes time. You'll see.

I don't know. Kate's a special lady.

Kate is an iceberg waiting for the Titanic.

Has anybody seen Kate Wheeler? Local authorities are investigating the possible connection

between the missing woman and the latest in a series of bank robberies

committed by the Sleepover Bandits. Wheeler vanished just 24 hours

before the robbery of the San Andreas Bank.

Her abandoned automobile was discovered a short distance

from the automobile belonging to bank manager Lawrence Fife.

But a much bigger question remains unanswered, people.

Who exactly are these mystery men?

In a related development, a federal task force has been assembled

to try to piece together this mystery.

Is there a connection between her and the Sleepover Bandits?

Is Kate Wheeler associated with the Sleepover Bandits or part of the gang?

We'll keep you updated right here

as this whole story unfolds on Criminals At Large.

# All God's children need travelling shoes

# Drive your problems from here

# All good people read good books

# Now your conscience is clear

# I hear you talk, girl

# Now your conscience is clear

# In the morning when I wipe my brow

# Wipe the miles away... #

-Harvey?

-Yeah?

-Do you remember what I said about conspicuous behaviour?

-Keeping a low profile.

-Are you achieving it, do you think?

-You bet.

Good boy.

What do you think of my boots?

Very lifelike.

# Look, your love has drawn red from my hands

# From my hands you know you'll never be

# More than twist in my sobriety... #

Hey! 19.

We'll be right there, and just so you know,

I got a bee up my ass about you two.

Congratulations, Kate, you're a famous missing person,

practically a TV star.

Different for you, bad for us. We pretty much try to keep ourselves

-out of the spotlight whenever possible.

-Nobody saw me. We barely left the room.

-Go home!

-No.

-Yes!

Joe.

It's up to Kate.

What do you mean, it's up to Kate?

Relax, Terry Lee. We went shopping.

Bought me my first disguise.

You went shopping?

Yeah, we went shopping. What's the big deal? Man!

We have a wig.

We have a hat for those long sunny days on the lam.

-What do you think?

-I don't care about it. I've told you.

Hey. What happened to Kate?

You made a joke.

Oh, that's cute. They made a little love joke.

So, Joe, is she worth it?

I mean, in theory, isn't one woman just like the next?

So I was just wondering, you know? I mean, is she worth it?

-She's got saliva in her mouth.

-Well, of course she's got saliva in her mouth.

-Everybody does. It's glandular.

-She's got more.

-Really? How much?

-A lot.

A lot? Well, that sounds like some sort of tumour in the parotid gland.

-You know, rabies is transferred that way...by saliva.

-Terry...

No one has ever kissed me like that before...

..ever.

Law enforcement officials have finally discovered

the identities of the Sleepover Bandits.

Joe Blake and Terry Collins escaped from an Oregon state penitentiary just three months ago.

Today, for the first time ever, Blake and Collins were added to both

the FBI and the Federal Marshal's top ten most wanted list.

Not only that, but a 500,000 reward was offered for their capture.

The identities of these modern-day Robin Hoods were first confirmed by two teenage hostages

who were taken after the amazing prison break.

MAN: Darren, here they are.

Cheri Woods, wait. Cheri Woods?

-Please get back.

-WOMAN: Are you hurt?

What was it like? Did they tie you up?

No, they were really nice. We had pizza and played video games.

-MAN: Please back up.

-WOMAN: Did they take anything?

PHIL: Yeah, they took my car. CHERI: They didn't do anything. They were very nice.

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for your cooperation.

Please make no attempt to escape as we will monitor police scanners and kill you if you do.

-Thanks again for your cooperation.

-Bye, Joe. Bye, Terry.

That's great. "Bye, Joe. Bye, Terry." Did you hear that?

Harvey? Harvey?

Harvey, aren't we supposed to be following the guys to the rendezvous?

-Pink.

-The girl?

-Pink boots.

-Number one lesson on how to get a girl, play hard to get.

-Let's go, sweetheart.

-You think she needs a ride?

-No.

-I think she needs a ride.

-I think I need a ride. Let's go.

Accelerate and go. Go.

# Do you ever feel the same?

# You wear it so well

# Wear it so well

# Suits you just fine... #

-Is this the only road?

-Don't worry. We'll find them.

You just rest your little head, young lady.

There they are.

It's OK.

We got them. Whoo!

HONKS HORN

All righty!

HONKING

-We thought we'd lost you.

-Go!

You are so cute.

You are really cute.

Harvey. The truck!

Harvey! No!

Aah!

Aah!

Dispatch, you better call 911. We've got a major accident here.

We're probably gonna need an ambulance.

Oh, God.

I think the condition of things is just...

I don't think they should probably even move us.

I'm not sure we should even be moving at all.

I mean, we should be, like, restrained.

We're in Scotland with a bunch of sheep.

-I don't know what this is all about.

-Hey.

-Our hoses should be like...

-You all right? Are you all right?

I need a stabilizing collar. You probably do, too. You can't just...

We shouldn't even be moving around, and now there's sirens in my head.

-I probably have a concussion.

-Wait. Shh.

-Do you understand?

That's not your head. SIRENS

-Listen. Those are...

-You hear them, too?

-It's the police. We should go. Come on. Let's go right now.

-Oh, sirens!

Come on down here. Hey!

Listen. Yeah. Like, real sirens.

Listen to me. Pay attention to me.

Listen to me. Listen to me. You got to get Kate and get out of here now.

-I'll get the money, all right?

-I'm going with you.

-No. No. Go now. Go. Go.

-You OK?

Go with Terry and get out of here now! Get going.

You all right?

-Kate, go with Terry now!

-The police!

-I know.

-The police!

-Just go with Terry now! Go! Just go on!

I'm just gonna put her in Pollard's car.

Terry, that's Kate right there. Take her.

The police! The police!

No. We can't go. We can't leave them.

Stop flailing your arms!

Go!

SIRENS

-Do you hear sirens? Because I still hear sirens. Are they real or not?

-Calm down.

-Joe will know what to do.

-Joe and Pollard are long gone by now.

-His car's still here.

-Well, he can get another car.

As a matter of fact, he can get another girl.

He wouldn't leave without me.

Kate, memo to yourself...

Joe is not exactly the flowers and hearts kind of guy,

if you haven't noticed. And when it comes to running from the police,

you don't figure into his thinking or mine, either, OK?

Well, I'm not leaving without him.

Suit yourself.

Well, what are you gonna do?

What am I gonna do? I'll tell you exactly what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna flee from the scene of the crime in the nick of time.

I'm gonna give myself a couple of weeks to get my heart rate back to normal,

and then join Joe at the other bank, OK?

That's what I'm gonna do.

Well, I'm going with you.

You stay away from me forever.

Please don't make me beg.

# Rudiger stands in the rain and the snow

# Briefcase and spectacles

# Strange and respectable

# He knows the meaning of being alone

# Oh, Rudiger

# Rudiger

# Rudiger

# Oh, Rudiger... #

-MAN: you are one lucky fella.

-I am?

I got the last room in town.

Oh, but that won't do. I need two rooms.

No. No such thing. You see all those cars out there?

It's a Debbie Day Cosmetic Convention.

I've never seen so much pink in my Goddamn life.

-It's a hell of a thing to do to an automobile.

-Right. I don't care what it is.

-I have to have two rooms.

-Do you want the room or not?

DISTANT SINGING

You asleep?

Uh, no, this weeble-wobble song or whatever it is,

it scared me half to death.