Harebrained sports comedy. Two rival figure skaters (Will Ferrell and Jon Heder) are banned from competing in the men's singles category, so they try their luck as a doubles team.
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# Quando sono solo sogno all'orizzonte e mancan le parole
# Si lo so che non ce luce in una stanza quando manca il sole
# Se non ci sei tu con me
# Con me
# Chiudi dentro me la luce che
# Hai incontrato per strada. #
I'll take him.
# Time to say goodbye
# Paesi che non ho mai
# Veduto e vissuto con te
# It's time to say goodbye. #
# Time to say goodbye. #
The crowd swooning as he comes out of that spin flawlessly.
They are giving him the love and he is giving it right back.
Here it comes.
And he nails it!
It's the best he's been.
Now there's the arm. And you know what that means.
Yes, the galloping peacock and look at him getting air on that.
Flawless. Just textbook perfection.
There are very few women in the history of this sport
that skate with this kind of beauty.
Come on, Jimmy. Nail it!
Ending the programme showing his flexibility.
What a great effort!
He couldn't skate any better. The performance of a lifetime.
-Elegant with machine-like technical precision.
So important to remember that that dove was in his suit the whole time.
Jimmy's renowned for his personal hygiene, Scott.
But after that performance, he's starting to reek of gold!
While the judges decide Jimmy's fate,
let's take a look at this exceptional young skater.
He is a child of privilege. A classic skater defined
by elegance, precision and an ability to endure great pain.
He was plucked from an orphanage at age four
by billionaire champion-maker, Darren MacElroy.
Once a breeder of world-class racehorses,
Darren had turned his attention to nurturing athletically advanced human orphans.
His ultimate find came in the form of skating wunderkind, Jimmy.
I guess I had a pretty normal childhood.
With his father's state-of-the-art, some say questionable,
training methods, this child prodigy was forged into an uberskater.
Soon, Jimmy was sweeping the gold, while his trademark Jimmy curl
was sweeping the nation, with kids of all ages
fashion-drafting right behind their idol.
A champion, an icon, a giver.
Jimmy MacElroy, skating's little orphan awesome.
-You nailed it, Jimmy. You nailed it. You nailed it shut.
Every move exactly like I showed you. I am so proud of you.
Thanks. Dad, what did you think?
Decided on our own to do a little flourish off the triple, did we?
I knew I had it. I just felt it needed a little...
Feeling? We're feeling now?
-What are you teaching this boy?
I sent you a cup of my blood!
Did you get my blood? Jimmy!
-Please don't encourage them. Come on.
They may look cute and innocent
but they're nothing but a beehive for germs and bacteria. Remember the slides I showed you?
-You smell like a winner!
'Ladies and gentlemen, the judges' scores are...5.9, 5.9,
'6.0, 5.9, 6.0, 5.8.'
All right, not bad, not bad. As long as that 5.8 doesn't kill us.
MacElroy, was that your routine, or a performance of Cirque du So-lame?
Besides, you're too late.
They handed out the girls' medals this morning.
Shut up, Michaels. That was textbook execution.
Same scores I beat you with in Oslo.
I was on Quaaludes. I don't even remember Oslo.
But I remember Boston
and that victory was as sweet as the cream pie for which the town was named.
Step aside, home school. There's a new sheriff in town.
Here he is. Skating's outlaw, Chazz Michael Michaels.
This cowboy is cracking his whip on the haunch of this crowd and they love it!
How do you describe something like that?
He just uses everything at his disposal. The movement, the music.
And he just nails the triple Axel!
Surfing a tsunami of swagger right now.
Well, you know, he is sex on ice.
Typical of Michaels. It's not enough just to win.
He wants to make love to the crowd.
That's why those seats are so valuable.
That's what they want from Chazz Michael Michaels.
Michaels just slipped MacElroy a very public note.
You have been called out, sir.
You're welcome, Stockholm.
Unreal. An instant classic.
Just when you think you've seen it all,
Chazz Michael Michaels walks in with the unrated version.
The undefeatable underdog, ice skating backdoor lover,
Chazz has come captivated this arena like a stack of classic Euro porn.
And so while his scores are being tabulated,
let's learn a little bit more about skating's leather-clad lothario.
Chazz Michael Michaels, an ice-devouring sex tornado.
-Spawned in the hell-fires of Motown.
-Troubled childhood? If you call
being a nine-year-old kid with a 35-year-old girlfriend troubled.
At age 12, Chazz escaped a life of running cigarettes
and illegal fireworks by becoming a star
in Detroit's underground sewer skating scene.
The only skater to win four national championships
and an adult film award, which is not to say this
rough-hewn heartthrob doesn't have a softer side.
He recently published a book of poetry,
-Let Me Put My Poems in You.
-Before a big competition,
I like to work with leather. The Native Americans always said
that working with hides and pelts releases the soul.
These are a couple diaper bags I made for Faith Hill.
Two men, only one winner.
-Will it be Chazz Michael Michaels?
-Personal philosophy -
Hope you brought your silver polish, MacElroy, cos that was gold.
-That was disgusting.
-That, young man, is how babies are made.
-Get out of my face.
-I'll get inside your face.
Mr Michaels, please take your coach, family and friends
-to the bench to await your scores.
-Get this straight.
I don't have a coach. I don't need one.
And as for friends and family, Chazz Michael Michaels walks alone.
That's why they call me the Lone Wolf, on my back there.
'5.9, 5.9, 6.0...'
That's what I'm talking about.
Was it good for you, Stockholm?
Cos it was good for me. Let's have a smoke.
Eat that, MacElroy.
-Those were the same scores I got, Einstein. We're tied.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have a tie. From the United States,
Jimmy MacElroy and Chazz Michael Michaels.
What? I brought you a gold medal!
No, you brought me half a gold medal. If I wanted him to share,
I'd have bought him a brother.
It's raining men in the men's singles. Men wearing gold, that is.
And they join Team USA's other gold medallists,
the pairs team of Stranz and Fairchild Van Waldenberg.
Stranz and Fairchild Van Waldenberg,
America's brother-and-sister darlings.
The gold standard of pairs figure skating.
Children of beloved Swiss skiing gold medallists, Otto and Ella Van Waldenberg,
the twin dynamos, Stranz and Fairchild, burst out of the womb
and onto the ice while their sister, Katie, cheered from the sidelines.
Theirs seemed to be a charmed life until March 14th, 1987,
when their parents died tragically in a car crash. Katie would survive.
The world wondered, had Stranz and Fairchild gone into a layback spin from which they could never recover?
But the siblings' commitment was such
that they were back in the training rink within hours of the funeral.
So tonight, the crowd cheers on their beloved Van Waldenbergs.
Stranz and Fairchild, how heavy is that gold around your necks?
Scott, this may be solid gold but to us it's lighter than air
because dreams never weigh you down.
No. Dreams are in your sleep.
What about the amazing Michaels and MacElroy? Two gold medals?
Yeah. That's great.
Speaking of gold medals, the winners of the men's singles
are taking their place at the podium right now.
MUSIC: "The Star-spangled Banner"
This has to be a proud moment for Michaels and MacElroy.
You have to think, the only thing sweeter than winning a gold medal
is sharing it with your fellow countryman.
-Gosh, I'm getting sick. You smell like aftershave and taco meat.
-Yes, I do. Now scoot over.
Don't touch me. Nobody touches me.
-Just scoot over, man.
-You scoot over.
Now there's some jostling atop the podium and down goes
Chazz Michael Michaels.
MacElroy still waving to the crowd.
-MacElroy's also down now.
-I have never in all my years seen
anything this disgraceful on the world stage.
I am stunned silent, absolutely silent, Jim.
Get that damned bird out of my face before I break its neck.
A perfect head butt! Down goes MacElroy!
And Spaetzle's aflame! Spaetzle! Oh, my God!
As we prepare to hear testimony, Michaels and MacElroy
will be given a chance to defend their actions at Stockholm.
We love you, Jimmy.
Hey. Nancy Kerrigan.
-You an official here? Cos you have officially given me a boner.
I'm a sex addict. It's my cross to bear.
It's a real disease with doctors and medicine and everything.
Let's get started, shall we?
If either one of you would like to make a statement before the commission passes judgment,
you may do so at this time.
Fans, friends, esteemed members of the committee,
I don't know what I can say, but I pray you can all forgive me.
More than that, I pray the children can forgive me.
-Oh, my God(!)
-I place my future in their tiny hands.
-That is retarded.
-God bless you.
God bless everyone. Thank you.
God bless you, Jimmy. God bless your heart.
Maxim. Last issue.
"Chazz Michael Michaels IS figure skating".
All right, duly noted.
In accordance with the rules of the International Skating Federation,
James MacElroy and Charles Michael Michaels,
-you are to be stripped of your medals.
And banned from men's figure skating for the remainder of your lives.
Hey, you listen to me, old man!
Oh, that sucks.
I'm going to pop you in the back of the head!
Banned for life. That's a long time.
Jimmy, it'll all work out.
-It's time for a fresh start.
-Yeah, a fresh start, exactly.
Good. Jimmy, I'm un-adopting you.
-I don't think un-adopting is the right word.
Legally, I'm disowning you.
But it amounts to the same thing, so.
-But I've been your son for 26 years.
-22, so nobody can say I didn't try.
We've had a good run. Now, I think it would be best
for all of us if we didn't drag this out. Clean break.
It would make it easier for me, Jimmy, if you left now.
-It's like a Band-Aid.
Just rip it off. We'll both feel better.
Hey, everybody, get your tickets for the second show.
Second show tickets now available.
# Tra-la-la-la, tra-la-la-la
# We sing a grublet song
# We love to roam our woodsy home
# Of greenery and scenery and song
# Tra-la-la-la, tra-la-la-la
# A grublet sings along. #
I hate you.
I hate my life.
Oh, no! It's the evil wizard!
I mean, I had it with skating for the judges, you know?
Just like, I don't need that.
I mean, for me, it's so much more satisfying to see
the eyes of a small child, seeing that wonder as they see you
skate out there with a big wizard head on, you know?
Nice. Really nice.
Hey, Sammy, it's not what it looks like.
Sammy, come on, baby. You knew this was how I rolled when you met me.
No. When I met you, you were a great figure skater.
Now you're getting stoned with the Woodland Fairies.
-I don't even know who you are any more.
-You're living in the past.
Me and the Woodland Fairies, we're living in the here and now.
And we're feeling so free. Come on, join us. Woo! Baby.
Come on, babe.
Hey, Michaels! Let's go. Lace up. The fog machines are primed.
Second show's almost three-quarters full. You drunk?
But this ought to do it.
I would fire you if you weren't so goddamn beautiful out there.
You smell like urine.
Get your head on.
They don't feel right.
That's because I'm not finished.
You see, it helps to think of the laces as belonging
to three distinct groups. First, the foundation.
-Ow! They're too tight. Daddy!
-He's crushing me.
Doing it right takes a little bit longer, but it's worth it.
Hey, what are you doing? She said it's too tight.
But she's wrong. I mean, who are you going to trust,
a little girl or Jimmy MacElroy?
-Who the hell is Jimmy MacElroy?
-Is there a problem here, sir?
Yeah, this kid is torturing my daughter's foot.
I'm so sorry, sir. You know what, Jimmy?
Off the skates, you're on stockroom duty, now. Let's go.
Hector? What are you doing here?
You know I have a restraining order against you.
Oh, that thing?
You look great, Jimmy. You look amazing.
-Your hair rocks.
You look so good. Oh, my gosh. Do you look at yourself?
I totally want to cut off your skin and wear it to my birthday.
-It's coming up.
it's great to see you, Hector, but I'm really busy right now.
-OK, I'll cut to the chase. You got to start skating again, Jimmy.
It's embarrassing stalking a has-been, know what I mean?
I almost gave up on you and started working with that Ukrainian skater,
the one that looks like Elvis? And I moved to the Ukraine
and it was cold and everyone had guns and smelled like soup.
I sympathise with you, Hector, I really do, but there's nothing I can do. I'm banned for life.
Don't be so sure. Section 14, paragraph G.
"A lifetime ban is irrevocable and the banned skater
"can never again compete in any Federation-sanctioned tournament
"that exists in such a skater's division".
You see? You're only banned from your division, men's singles.
You can still compete in pairs skating. Pairs.
How is this possible?
I had so many lawyers work on so many appeals.
Because nobody can obsess like I can.
Good luck, Jimmy.
Oh, and I'm still going to kill you someday.
Oh, no! It's the evil wizard!
Hey, little forest creatures.
None of you sons of bitches try to be heroes.
You hear me?
Hey, Chazz. Come on. It's Gary. What are you doing?
Hey, everyone! This is Gary, the squirrel. Now, listen up.
Gary's been a long-time friend.
We've been skating for two and a half years.
I remember when we were hanging out at the bus stop in Tucson
and Gary said, "I've got a third ball".
Damn it. I just threw up in here, people. That's the reality.
Another layer to the legend.
I am nothing but a human onion.
In fact, we all are.
Ladies and gentlemen, Grublets On Ice will be cancelled
until further notice. No refunds will be given.
Bring it on!
Let it rain down on me.
There's a loophole. I was banned from men's singles but not pairs.
-I can skate in the winter sport Games again.
-I knew it.
I knew after three years, you just weren't checking in.
-I moved on, Jimmy. You got to move on, too.
-But I'm a skater.
There's nothing to move on to,
except for winning the gold again and keeping it this time.
You know how hard it is to find a partner?
Even if you did, you've got to qualify for Nationals.
-That's a month away, sign-up is in two days.
-It can't be that hard.
Figure skating. Give it up, Jimmy. It's like a cruel bitch mother.
She'll seduce you with chocolates and roses
and then kick you to the side of the road like a dead raccoon.
Forget it. I got to go.
It's good to see you.
Another great walking through the halls of the Grublets.
Welcome to my little production.
If you're here to thank me for firing Chazz Michaels,
-it was my pleasure.
-Chazz was here?
Yeah, unfortunately, but it's fantastic that you are here.
And yes, no need to ask, I'll consider you for a position.
I'm not looking for a job. I'm actually looking for a female skater
-to compete with me at Nationals.
-Are you trying to skater poach?
-You trying to break up my family?
Why don't you get out of here before I throw down?
Hey, where you going?
I see you got fat.
I see you still look like a 15-year-old girl, but not hot.
-You crushed my dreams.
-Dreams? Shit. I haven't had one of those in years.
Zip it, Chazz, or I will punch you in your crap lousy face.
-Hey, this ends tonight.
-It's daytime, you douche.
-Now it's on!
-You're so fat!
"Figure skating fans got more than they bargained for today
"when a children's ice show was interrupted by a street fight between two former champions.
"Jimmy MacElroy and Chazz Michael Michaels, once at the top of the skating world,
-"picked up today where they left off more than three years..."
"Fans remember Michaels and MacElroy as gold medallists who became banned from competition for life.
"I sat down with Michaels and he's a complex man."
"I'm a sex addict and I'm attracted to women.
Two men skating together? That's a riot.
That's a laugh riot.
-I don't see what's so funny.
-If you were as drunk as me, you would.
Look, Coach, I know I said I wanted to skate pairs, but two men?
Even if we wanted to, they'd never allow it.
There's nothing in the rule book that says you can't.
That's not my style. Chazz Michael Michaels goes it alone. OK?
That means no coach and no partner.
Especially not a dude.
Especially not the precious and pampered Richie Rich.
-You don't know what you're talking about.
-I know more than you think I know.
-I know more than you know you know.
-You could never keep up with my flawless technique.
That's why I floored you in '02 and the spring of '99.
Technique doesn't get you 18 medals and a Kristi Yamaguchi Lifetime Achievement Award.
-I am figure skating.
-Stop it! For three years I've been trying to get over the nightmare you two created.
I wasn't sure I'd ever forget it.
Now maybe underneath all your bullshit, we can still find something beautiful.
I don't know, Coach.
-I mean, I'm really desperate to win that gold, but...
How's the partner search coming, kid? What's so funny, Cool Whip?
-You getting a lot of satisfaction from those 15 hookers?
-I am never satisfied. It's a curse.
The registration for the National Finals closes in exactly 12 hours.
Now, let me ask you boys a question.
Do you wanna make history?
No way. This guy could not hold my jock sweat.
-I could hold it all day long. Try me.
-You challenging me, Princess?
-I'm not inviting you to the Skating Federation's Annual Christmas Party.
-Then bring it on!
-It IS on!
Good. We're in agreement then.
-Welcome back to competitive skating, gentlemen.
I'll pick you up in the morning.
A little help?
Here we go.
Stranz. Fairchild. Melissa Kelly, ESPN 2.
So, let me ask you, any thoughts on the competition? And what does a new gold medal mean for you?
It doesn't mean as much as winning America's hearts. That's very important to us.
Now, we haven't seen you in about three and a half years.
-What have you been up to?
Now, apparently, you're dedicating this performance to the children of the world...
-Chazz, fill this out.
Yes. I'll get yours, Jimmy.
-Who is that girl?
-You mean Katie Van Waldenberg?
-She's Stranz and Fairchild's sister?
-Fairchild's legs and Stranz's ass.
Mind bottling, isn't it?
-Did you just say "mind bottling?"
-Yeah, mind bottling.
When things are so crazy, it gets your thoughts all trapped, like in a bottle.
Let's go do this. Loud and proud.
What are you two doing here?
You know damn well I'm not letting either of you sign up.
-I'm not here to sign up Michaels or MacElroy.
I'm here to sign up the pairs team of Michaels AND MacElroy.
Now, there's your front-page headline.
Jimmy, can you wave to the fans?
So, Jimmy and Chazz together and no fighting, huh?
Two men skating together and in our division, no less. Why, Stranz?
Why is God singling us out for the greatest suffering the world has ever known?
-I don't know, Sis. Those two are nothing but a couple of freaks.
-Yeah, and the media loves freaks.
Makes my blood boil. All they're doing is just leeching the dignity out of our beloved sport.
You know, I'm not a violent person, but I would like to hold them down and skate over their throats.
Guys, maybe, maybe if you concentrate on the skating,
people will forget all the hype and they'll focus on the purity of the sport
and the spirit of honest competition.
-You guys just want to cheat again, don't you?
-That's a good idea.
Katie, please, will you just take this camcorder, OK?
I don't know how to turn it on. Thank you.
-I'm not spying for you again.
-We're just asking you to discreetly tape their routines.
-Find someone else.
-What's that, Mother?
You and Father are sad that you were killed driving Katie to her ice skating lesson all those years ago?
-Yeah. Me, too.
-Remember how they used to be alive?
Papa? I can't hear you, Papa.
What are you... You're crying?
Still? In heaven? You're still dead?
-Fine, I'll do it.
-Yes. Now you're playing for team Van Waldenberg.
All right. You'll be staying here for the duration.
You're gonna skate as a pair, you'll live as a pair.
And if you're at all interested in self-preservation,
you take off your shoes before you set foot on the Berber.
Why would we step in baby food?
-He's talking about the carpet. Berber?
-What are you? The Rug Doctor?
-Maybe I am.
-I'm the rug master.
-What does that even mean?
-Shut up and take off your damn shoes.
-I don't share rooms.
-I don't share shit. The night is a very dark time for me.
-It's dark for everyone, moron.
Not for Alaskans or dudes with night-vision goggles.
All right, this is gonna stop right now. From here on out, you guys are a team.
You are going to eat together, sleep together.
You are going to pee together. You're gonna file a joint income tax return. Practice starts now.
End of discussion.
I just put those into order.
I need some counter space too.
Mane 'n' Tail. Is this horse shampoo?
-Yes, it is.
-Do you use this stuff on your hair?
For a lustrous coat. Does this actually work?
You bet your ass it does.
It makes my hair shine like Orion's belt out on the ice.
And then I brush my hair 100 times with this.
Not just a brush
but a Verticoli.
Handmade in Italy. They carve it out of illegal whalebone.
They only make 11 of them a year. This one cost me 12,000 or 30 million lira.
Perfectly balanced, low drag, minimal torque.
I bet you'd like to know.
Help yourself to the Mane 'n' Tail all you want, but don't even look at the Verticoli.
Cos I will knock your block off.
No exaggeration, I could not love a human baby as much as I love this brush.
-I call top.
-Sorry, I already called it in my head.
-No. You can't do that. That doesn't count.
-Yes, it does. Get used to it, Jimmy.
You're in Chazz's world now.
You know what? I permanently called shotgun.
You do not get shotgun every time. What is this place?
It smells like fish.
This ice has not been properly Zambonied.
-And where's the warm-down room?
-We don't have any of that.
It's a cold storage unit that a buddy of mine let me flood with a garden hose.
Nice choice, Coach.
Turned out well.
The dance lift, the press lift, the twist lift, the side-by-side jump, the throw jump.
All of these are weapons in the pairs skaters' arsenal.
And, used properly, they can slay your opponent.
Used improperly, you can break every bone in your body.
All right, gentlemen, waltz position.
-You know what, dude, your hand has to be on top.
-No way. The girl's goes on top.
-Yeah. Ergo chick.
-I'm not the girl. I'm stronger.
-No, I'm stronger and don't have a vagina.
You are not stronger. Watch this, fat ass.
-It doesn't really matter, it's waltz position.
One guy, you put your, just...
See that? It's pure pec, bicep and tricep.
Jimmy, get off your hands. You're gonna need those later. Now, come on.
-All right. OK, you know what? I can do something cool, too.
You think you're so tough. Huh? I'm not fat. I can do this.
-Chazz, put your skates back on.
-No, it's too late. They're off. Look, I'm like lightning.
-Put your skates back on. What are you doing?
-Yeah. God, that burns.
-Jimmy, you put your clothes on. Jimmy! Damn it!
-Watch my icy hot super slide.
It's not gonna matter cos you're flat in front, like Ken.
-You're the girl.
You're my pretty lady, MacElroy.
-Because you whine like one. And no-one can lift your fat ass.
-You're on a diet, starting now.
-What are you talking about?
-Let's go! Come on!
Is this about my muscular, thick thighs?
Could one of you all pass me a biscuit?
-You got another five miles, then you get a LUNA bar.
So, Coach, I was thinking about the music for our routine.
-We're gonna skate to one song, one song only.
Lady Hump by the Black Eyed Peas.
# What you gonna do with all that junk All that junk inside my trunk
# I'm gonna get you, get you drunk
# Get you drunk off my lady hump
# My hump, my hump My lovely lady hump... #
I'm not skating to anything with references to lady humps.
-I don't even know what that means.
-No-one knows what it means, but it's provocative.
No, it's not. It's gross.
-It gets the people going.
-That's enough! Why do you guys keep doing that?
You didn't see shit!
Throw me some chicken!
Two men. Together.
-You're really gonna go through with this, huh?
-Oh, yeah, course.
Why not? I mean, I need your help. What do you say?
Look, I'm just a choreographer. What do I know?
Bring them by the dance studio tomorrow.
I'm not a magician. I ain't making no promises. I'm just saying that I'ma do what I can do.
Your problem is your boundaries.
That ends today. Out on my dance floor you won't know where one man's body ends and another begins.
Because if you can't dance with a man, you damn sure can't skate with a man. All right? So come on, let's go.
-Yeah. That's what I thought.
That a boy, Jimmy. Come on. OK.
Break it down. Show me what you got.
OK. That's a start. That is a start.
If you tense your face, you're gonna make it harder for yourselves.
Rewind it. I wanna see his head bang down again.
No. No, no. You act right or you leave my studio.
Beautiful butterfly into a prayer.
Let them get it out. Let them get it out.
Chazz, release to Jimmy. Easy, see? Release.
-You nailed it!
-Yes, I did. See that? Pure power. You could use a nickel's worth, junior.
Maybe if you released me at that quarter-turn, I wouldn't have to save your ass with my landing.
It's called improvisation. Even your precious Kenny G does it.
Well, at least they're getting the moves down.
Yeah, but can they do it in front of five judges and 30 million people?
Denver, Colorado, last stop on the road to the World Wintersport Games in Montreal.
The finest skaters from all over the country have trained tirelessly
for years for their chance to make it onto the world stage.
But all those stories have been eclipsed now by what many dub the ideshow of the century.
The male-male pair of Jimmy MacElroy and Chazz Michael Michaels.
The anxiety was palpable when they arrived this morning
as the skating community continued to voice its outrage.
Those two are turning this sport into a freak show.
As if figure skating wasn't gay enough already.
Let me show you something.
Does that look right to you?
Nothing in here about two men skating.
That blond chick's a dude? Oh, man.
Now let's join Stranz and Fairchild Van Waldenberg
as they wind up their routine - an edgy look at urban culture told in the language of the streets.
And boy, look at them! They are really having fun with this.
The bling is king.
This pair is willing the crowd into a frenzy.
Wow! Flawless, as always.
These two blue-eyed funk machines are going to find themselves popping and locking their way
to the championship in Montreal.
And those good vibrations seem to have spread all the way through this arena.
You guys are up.
And now the moment this crowd has been waiting for.
And how is this going to work? Completely different skaters, known to be enemies of one another,
combining to be the first male-male pair team in the history of the sport.
Either the locked-in technical style of MacElroy will not mesh with Michaels' improvisations
or they create great music together and reinvent the sport in their own image.
-They're laughing at us.
-They laughed at Louis Armstrong when he said he was gonna go to the moon.
Now he's up there laughing at them.
Well, they titled this routine Fire and Ice.
They've always been that way as competitors, as individuals and now as a pair team? So appropriate.
So far, so good.
Their first move's so difficult. Throw triple Axel.
-What an unbelievably disastrous beginning to this routine!
I've never fallen once in competition.
Come on. Take my hand.
We can do this.
-And they're up.
-Come on, Denver, get off your asses!
-And the crowd responds.
It's the first time they've shown them any level of support.
Side by side double Axels! Beautifully delivered!
And again, a male-male pair team. They're doing things that no other pair would dare to do.
So many moves in this programme I've never heard of before.
Unbelievable finish to an incredible routine!
-And they've won this crowd over!
This might be enough to send them to Montreal as the first
male-male representatives this sport has ever seen. History in the making.
We love you, Denver!
City by the bay! John Denver!
-Was the fire really necessary?
-That's what I'm talking about!
-I'm so proud of you. Good job.
What up, homes?
-You guys were great out there.
-Thanks. I'm Jimmy.
I know. Katie.
I like your buttons.
-Did you see that?
They were actually pretty good.
Way to go. None of what they did was on your video.
-Let's not let them get into our heads.
-Into our head?
Not only did we embarrass Marky Mark, we let down the Funky Bunch.
Yes! We're going to Montreal, bitch!
Well, it's all smiles here in the Crest kiss and cry area.
You're the guys everybody's talking about. How does it feel?
You know, we're just so grateful for this wonderful opportunity to be out here on the ice again...
Michaels and MacElroy are a freight train from hell, OK?
We're going straight up the ass of the competition, Scott.
-I'm not gonna say wow, but wow!
-They got by on 97% adrenaline and 3% bullshit.
If they wanna take home the gold, they gotta do something spectacular.
Robert, I know where this is going. How many times do you have to make the same mistake?
Till I get it right. You gotta trust me, Jesse.
I'm not gonna spend the rest of my life in a cage of fear.
Top of the morning. And it is a beaut.
Do you mind?
-I'm trying to eat here.
-Just thought you'd like to see what a skater's body really looks like.
Go ahead, drink it in. Don't be shy.
Looking's for free. Touching's gonna cost you something.
Checking out my ink? Some people refer to me as the Illustrated Man.
Each tattoo tells a different tale.
-They're like chapters of my life.
-Really? So, what's that one about?
That one represents the dragon lady.
You might know her as Michelle Kwan.
That's Michelle Kwan, most decorated figure skater in US history?
-You tapped that?
But perfection can drive a woman mad.
She was ready to quit, hang up her skates, settle down and pump out a few little Chazzlings.
I couldn't let her do it, not the way I roll.
So, what's that one with the horse?
My blonde Ukrainian she-devil.
Not Oksana Baiul?
At 16, she won the gold, turned pro, and was named one of Barbara Walters' most fascinating persons of 1994.
Yeah. But don't let her fool you. She's as cold as the ice she skates on.
She's like dry ice.
Wait. She's colder than that. What's colder than dry ice?
-I don't know.
-I'll tell you what is. Oksana.
What about that one on your shoulder? Who's that?
That one? It's nothing.
What about you? You got any tats?
I had my face painted at the Blueberry Festival one year.
Seems about right.
Well, I could have one. I could have a killer one.
I have a crush on the enemy, Katie Van Waldenberg.
Good choice, my man.
How's that for forbidden love?
I have no idea, but I'd like to find out.
-Wait. What are you doing?
-I'm calling her. Or rather, you are.
-I can't do that. It's crazy.
-It's not crazy.
What am I supposed to say? No, you can't. I can't.
It's ringing. Go.
Maybe it's Nike.
Van Waldenberg Companies.
Hi. It's Jimmy MacElroy.
Is Katie there?
-It's MacElroy, for her.
-What? For me? Why?
-I can't do it.
-I'll coach you. Get on the phone.
-OK. "Yo. It's the Mac attack. What up? "
Yo. Hi. It's the Mac attack. What up?
OK. Say, "Oh, my, you're just catching me getting out of the shower".
You know, you just caught me getting out of the shower.
-She just got out of the shower.
-Oh, me likey.
-No. I have to call her back.
-No! Are you insane? Get back on the phone. Say, "Shower?
"I gotta get me one of those cos I just got back from the gym doing my squat thrusts."
Um, I gotta...
Yeah, shower. I need one of those cos I just got back from the gym doing my squat thrusts.
Squat thrusts must be hard, real hard.
-Squat thrusts are hard.
They're hard, all right. But it's worth it to get a sweet burn deep in your thigh.
It's worth it to get a deep burn in my sweet thighs.
You know how you can soothe a nasty burn?
Pour some sweet cream on it.
Do you know what you can do for a burn? Pour sweet cream on it.
Oh, my God, you've bagged a wild lynx.
OK, say, "Sounds to me like your cream needs to be whipped", and then go...
Um, I was wondering if you wanted to get a snow cone sometime?
I would like to get a snow cone.
I haven't had a snow cone in a couple of years, actually.
No, you have to be sexy. Say you want a snow boner. Snow boner.
8 o'clock tonight. That sounds great.
It will "get me time to get my jugs waxed".
OK. Well, I'll see you.
What happened? What's the word?
8 o'clock tonight. We did it!
Oh, my God!
All right, listen up. You guys barely squeaked by at Nationals.
How are we gonna compete against teams that have been doing this for years? There's only one way.
OK. What do you guys have that none of the other teams have?
We have to do something that only two men can do together.
Something never seen before.
Jesse, put in the tape.
Come on. Put in the tape, Jesse.
Jimmy, I never told you this before, but I used to coach pairs.
I was on track to head up the Olympic squad.
I wanted it badly, so I developed a move.
A move the likes of which the world had never seen before.
A move so revolutionary, so dangerous
that it would have catapulted the team that stuck it straight to the top.
And like many revolutionary ideas, it just scared the shit out of the establishment.
So I quit.
And I took it to the one place on earth batshit crazy enough to give it a try.
Behind the Bamboo Curtain, they call it
The Iron Lotus.
Look at the grace, the beauty.
They almost have it, until...
Oh, my gosh.
-OK. What do you say, let's give it a try?
-Are you nuts?
What? That's crazy.
See, after all these years, I know what went wrong.
The physics were off.
It was a man and a woman, that's why it didn't work. You're two men. You should be fine.
Be warned. The Iron Lotus demands your respect.
She has no time for lone wolves, Chazz.
Jimmy, you've gotta be willing to improvise.
You two are the last pieces of the puzzle. Go on! Fit them together.
Keep your speed up.
Keep it up!
Jimmy! Don't let your legs buckle.
Come on, Chazz, focus! Focus!
You gotta be careful, man. Unlike you, I actually use these things.
Oh, yeah? Well... Well... Well, yeah, you're right.
I'll try to be more careful next time. Sorry.
Look, I didn't mean to drag your balls into the discussion.
That was uncalled for. They're fine, I overreacted.
All right, gentlemen, let's get up and try it again.
Let's do this.
This was my favourite place growing up. By the way, you look really nice.
-Oh, really? I like your glitter-tooth necklace thing.
Foy, can I have another blue one?
You guys were so good at Nationals, it scared my brother and sister.
-They wanted me to spy on you.
-Is that why you're going out with me right now?
I don't care if they win.
I don't care about skating at all. I mean, really, what's so great about skating, anyway?
It's basically just gliding, trying not to fall, with a couple of jumps thrown in, right?
And spandex and glitter.
-But it's not the ice.
It's what the ice lets you do. Out there,
I feel like I can do anything.
It's the only place where life makes sense.
-You've never skated?
-When I was a kid, a little.
But my brother and sister don't like anyone to steal their focus.
My life was nothing but focus. You know what I got for my 10th birthday?
A six-pack of protein shakes and a subscription to Men's Health.
I didn't have a 10th birthday.
My sister told all my friends I was in jail for armed robbery.
When I was nine, my dad insisted on having me circumcised to minimise wind resistance.
While driving me to skating practice, my parents were in a fatal accident.
My brother and sister blame me for their death and they force me to work for them like a slave.
Wow. I never really thought of that as a romantic story before.
So, how'd it go with your lady? Carve up any ice with your wiener?
All right, ladies, tea party's over.
We got two days till Montreal. I want to see an Iron Lotus.
OK, try it again.
You're going to kill him! Watch the blade!
Try it again!
One more. I'm really close.
Hello and welcome, everyone, to the Orbitz World Wintersport Games here in beautiful Montreal, Canada.
The world turns its eyes now to this frozen sanctuary as the globe's finest
athletes arrive to compete and to revel in the glory that is sport.
And so now we are honoured to bring you the wonder,
pageantry and spectacle of these, the 20th World Wintersport Games.
Didn't you once say, and I quote, "Jimmy MacElroy is a lifeless robot on the ice"?
-He would never say such a...
-Yes, I did.
But I was referring to the precision and beauty of robots.
If they'd published the rest of the quote...
They did publish the rest of your quote.
You go on to say, "I've had lint at the top of my ass crack with more personality than that Daddy's boy".
All right, Mr Smart Reporter, showing off.
You figured out how to work the Google on the internet machine.
Well, here's a new quote for you, all right?
Chazz Michaels and Jimmy MacElroy are figure skating. Boom!
Jimmy! Has pairs skating helped your popularity?
I have the best fans in the world.
I mean, WE have the best fans in the world.
SHE SPEAKS JAPANESE
No, that's in the other room.
HE SPEAKS JAPANESE
Great! Press loves them, and now so do the sponsors.
Stranz! So, Katie,
it looks like your date went really well the other night, huh?
What? I guess so. Why?
No reason. I was just wondering how it went. Did it go well?
Yeah, we had snow cones. And we saw this ice sculpture.
-We want you to turn your attention to Chazz now.
MacElroy's heart is like a beautiful apple that's in your hand and now you need to bite it.
-Nothing breaks up a team faster than...
No. I'm not gonna make Chazz Michael Michaels fall in love with me.
-Who's talking about love? We just want you to have sex with him.
-I am not gonna have sex with Chazz.
Come on, Katie. Do the honourable thing here.
The honourable thing is to walk away and that is exactly what I'm doing.
OK. Stranz, let her go. It's OK. She's made up her mind.
We'll just move on to Plan B.
What's Plan B?
I'm sorry, don't worry about that. You stood your ground. We respect that.
But if something should happen to your new boyfriend's leg,
I don't know, under his knee, or above his ankle,
at least you did the honourable thing.
-Where are you going?
-Sex addicts meeting. Turn weakness into strength.
-Good for you.
-Thanks, brother man. Have a good night.
This must be for you.
So glad you're all here. OK, let's get started.
Chazz, would you like to start the day off by sharing?
I was just trying to find some peace.
A haven, a place where I could feel safe.
And then what happened?
Well, she was my yoga instructor.
So I knew she was limber.
-But, Chazz, you realise this would just set you back
and further hurt your progress in maintaining control over your libido, correct?
Yes. Thank you, Taylor.
Until her friend, a massage therapist, walked in the door naked.
With a big bottle of canola oil and a monkey who was trained to work on a video camera.
And she rocked my world.
Guys! Chazz, I have asked you to leave before and I don't wanna do it again.
Taylor, come on, man.
Let's just move on. Who'd like to talk about chlamydia?
Syphilis, gonorrhea, etc. Should we...
Hi. I'm sorry I'm late. I was...
Welcome. Why don't you go ahead and introduce yourself?
(I know her.)
Oh, and I'm a sex addict.
-ALL: Hi, Katie.
Wow, so, you're a sex addict, too.
Sex, sex, sex. What can I say?
Right. Right. I mean, you said it all.
It's such a burden. I mean, people don't realise what we go through on a day to day basis.
Come to my room tonight and we can comfort each other?
Come on, people. Break it up!
"God grant me the serenity not to have sex with my friend's girlfriend,
"the courage to go home tonight without having sex with my friend's girlfriend
"and the wisdom to know that masturbation is sometimes the most sensible solution."
Oh, sweet Jesus.
You're right on time. Come in.
MUSIC: "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye
Would you like some champagne?
No, I can't, I...
I just came by cos I had something I had to say to you.
Do you have a bathrobe or a parka you could pu...
Sorry. I'm hot.
Wouldn't you feel more comfortable saying what you need to say from the bed?
-It's a Posturepedic.
Well, then, in that case, it's good for my back, so might as well try it.
OK, here it goes. I know that sex...
I know that sex addiction is a disease. Oh, God, they feel so good.
Oh, God, this is so wrong. Jimmy's my friend. I'm not gonna do this.
-Wait. Do you really mean that?
-Yes. I think so.
Yes, I do. I do. I can't go through with this.
-Oh, God, what a relief.
He's got a heart of gold.
You... You... You sex demon!
You... You sex fiend!
No, you got it all wrong.
Jimmy! No! Damn it.
-Come on. Pick up. Come on, buddy.
-MESSAGE: 'Hey, it's Jimmy.
'If you can dream it, you can do it.'
Jimmy, it's me, Chazz.
Look, what happened back there, so not a big deal.
Just think of it as like a boob-handshake between me and your lady's...
Look, that's not coming out right. I'll explain it. Call me back, please. It's me, Chazz.
-I'm committed to this thing called friendship.
If you think I'm going anywhere, you're wrong. You know why? Because I will not back down, ever!
-I've won a lot of radio contests cos I refused to get off the line.
-END OF MESSAGE BEEP
If we went to a Halloween party dressed as Batman and Robin, I'd go as Robin.
That's how much you mean to me.
That was stupid that I said that.
You know what? No. I don't think that's stupid. I'm glad that I said that.
-Hey, turd-face, guess what?
I've taken all your teddy bears and I've stuffed them down my pants.
Hey. Yikes. Sorry.
-For about a month,
my urine smelled like marshmallows.
-# Don't wanna close my eyes
# Don't wanna fall asleep
# Cos I miss you, Jimmy And I don't wanna miss a thing
# So call me back now! #
RINGING TONE ON PHONE
MESSAGE: 'It's Jimmy. If you can dream it, you can do it.'
Hey, it's me again.
Jimmy, please, call me back, so I can explain.
Wow! Nice work. Somebody got busy in a big way.
Scene of the crime.
-I didn't have sex with Chazz.
-Fine. Make love. Whatever.
-I didn't sleep with Chazz.
-I feel as slimy as if I had.
-Where do you think you're going?
-To make this right.
-Jimmy needs to know the truth!
-You would do that to your own family?
Don't give me that guilt trip.
After all we've done for you? After all you did to Mom and Dad?
Mom and Dad were not wearing their seatbelts and they made an improper left-hand turn.
Come on, Katie, don't go. We love you and stuff.
Look, it's up to us, OK?
We are forced to take Michaels and MacElroy out of play, no matter what.
That might require some bad behaviour.
Hello and welcome to Day 3 of the Orbitz World Wintersport Games.
The best Chinese and Russian pairs have fallen away, setting up the ultimate gold medal showdown.
Just two pairs remain. Both American.
Both hell-bent on reaching the top.
And it's come down to this.
Tonight, they leave it all on the ice.
The big story is the men's pairs figure skating team
of Michaels and MacElroy.
These same-gendered sensations have taken centre ice
in the hearts of millions of skating fans everywhere.
They've literally taken this sport by storm.
Jimmy's here at the arena, you ass.
He's been staring at a pack of gum for nine hours. What did you do to him?
I'm on my way.
World Wintersport Games. And, yes, I am Chazz Michael Michaels.
PA: 'Skaters, please clear the ice in preparation for the pairs competition.'
Actually, it's quite the opposite. See, your days of stealing the spotlight are over.
You crazy bastard!
What are you doing?
You are evil. Pure evil! Your whole family's evil! Your brother.
-And most of all, your sister.
-Don't even think about putting us in the same league.
If she was half the woman I was, she would have done her job and slept
-with your partner like I told her to.
She couldn't. Because of you.
I don't get it.
Gross. Get me out of here! Somebody help me!
Whoever invented rope was a real a-hole.
I'm late, sis.
My hair is just not coop...erating.
Who's gonna save you now, Chazz?
Is Little Lord MacElroy gonna come and meet you down here?
What are you doing there?
No. Wait, wait. It's OK. No.
-Stranger danger! Stranger danger!
Let's do it, Chazz!
All right, Stranz.
Time for a little Chazzle Dazzle.
I'm coming, Chazz.
-CAR HORN HONKS
CAR HORNS CONTINUE HONKING
Give me your hand.
-I won't hurt you.
-I'm coming for you, Chazz!
Damn it, Stranz.
-Have you seen Jimmy? I can't find him anywhere.
-He was here a minute ago.
If you find him, would you tell him to get his ass down here?
I really appreciate this. That man who's chasing us is trying to kill me. So, thanks.
Who are you supposed to be anyway? Rod Serling?
-It's gonna make sense.
-No, no, no. It'll be fine. Yeah.
Try to get through that!
Don't make me kill her.
From the United States, the pairs team of Stranz and Fairchild Van Waldenberg.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So, the favourites, Stranz and Fairchild Van Waldenberg, now taking the ice.
As Marilyn Monroe and JFK, they'll be dramatizing a forbidden romance, Jim.
-'I take pride in the words, "Ich bin ein Berliner!"'
-'Calling for preparation on ice of the United States team of Michaels and MacElroy.'
Well, that was an interesting take on American history.
Indeed. I think it's worth noting the fantastic attention to detail this pair has demonstrated.
An absolutely seamless use of props integrated into choreography
that is both physically impressive and artistically moving.
A rare ballet of ice and history.
And those scores keep Stranz and Fairchild in first place,
but Michaels and MacElroy are up next.
-Did I make it in time? Where's Chazz?
-Where the hell you been?
-If your partner's not here in 30 seconds, I have to disqualify you.
-I know, I know.
We're finished. Done. That's it. It's over. Damn it.
-Just like that.
-Coach, he'll be here.
'Skaters to the ice.
'20 seconds to disqualification.'
Jimmy MacElroy stands alone at centre ice. And you have to wonder what is going on.
Well, this is Rice without Montana.
Ali without Frazier.
Han Solo without Chewbacca.
Hey, Jimmy! Jimmy!
Hey, I didn't sleep with Katie!
-We didn't even get to second base.
Well, maybe I did. What I felt in my pants was weird and shameful.
OK. You kind of have to be down here right now or we're gonna be disqualified.
-Katie is not a whore!
-OK, I get it. Just stop talking.
-'Skaters to the ice.'
-'10 seconds to disqualification.'
Wow! A dramatic entrance for Chazz Michael Michaels.
I'm OK! I'm all right.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And there's another unique Michaels skill.
Out of his clothes in a hurry when he has to.
And women's skating champion Sasha Cohen catches Michaels' jock strap.
I love you, Chazz!
-I made it.
-I knew you would.
-Let's capture the dream.
Capture the... I love it. Where did you come up with that?
I have no idea where I came up with it.
-Let's kick some ice.
The boys seem to be using a science fiction theme tonight.
Fitting, considering these two men may very well be the future of the sport.
Well, I'll tell you something, Jim, it's like these two men did beam in from outer space
to flip this sport inside out.
MUSIC: "Flash" by Queen
# Saviour of the universe... #
The lights are on and so is this crowd.
A Mr Roboto to start the routine.
And they hit it beautifully!
Everything they do is drenched in drama.
Side by side skate clashes.
And more sparks!
Look at the athleticism here.
No other pair in the world could do this.
Fireworks display in Montreal.
What are you doing?
-We're freestyling. You're the steak, I'm the sizzle.
-We didn't practice that.
Do it for Katie. Burn up the ice with your red hot love.
Michaels and MacElroy turn up the thermostat.
These guys put the "bon" in Zamboni.
All the endorsements, everything gone.
-Oh, my God, I can't get a real job. It'll kill me.
-God, I have to do everything in this family.
A serious stumble in an otherwise perfect routine.
-Perfection's what they need if they want to beat Stranz and Fairchild.
-I think I broke my ankle.
-I'm gonna put some weight on it to see.
HE SCREAMS WITH PAIN Ah!
I don't know, Scott. I'm not sure interpretive dance moves are gonna win these judges over.
-What the hell are they doing?
I can't do the Lotus with a shattered ankle. I'm just a man, for God's sake.
-We'll switch places.
-I swear to God, if you cut my head off...
-They're going for the Iron Lotus, in reverse.
-My God. This is happening all over again.
They're picking up speed for something spectacular.
Looks like they might be trying something I have never seen done.
It is the fabled Iron Lotus.
No! Don't do it! I was wrong! It's suicide!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And they nail it! Unbelievable performance! This crowd is going wild.
They're on their feet.
I never thought I'd see it with my own eyes. The fabled Iron Lotus.
A historic event here in Montreal.
Michaels and MacElroy have brought the legend to life.
Scott, I seem to have wet my pants.
-Chazz. Chazz. We did it!
-Did we win?
-I don't know.
-I think I see the Virgin Mary.
No. That's not her.
We got you, Mr Michaels.
HE CRIES OUT IN PAIN
-Oh, I don't wanna die.
-You'll be OK.
-I don't wanna die.
-Take a puff of that.
-I'm gonna have to cut your pants off.
OK, but start up near the crotch. That's a better access point.
-You were incredible.
-Really? I thought my landing was all bad...
You've been practising.
Chazz taught me some stuff.
Stranz Van Waldenberg.
You're under arrest for the desecration of an international icon.
Snowflake? It was her idea.
-She broke his ankle.
I hate you!
Come on now. Let's get out of here.
And that's why I was a sex addict.
Because no-one ever loved me.
But I learned something here today.
That ice doesn't belong here.
It belongs out there.
Out on the ice...
in an ice rink.
I never had a father, OK?
But I don't care!
Because now I've got a brother.
This is my brother! And this is my brother's new girlfriend.
And she is not a whore.
I'm in a lot of pain. I feel like I'm gonna barf.
-Chazz, they got to get you to a hospital. Come on.
And miss the smell of sweet gold?
Not on your life.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Jimmy, you did it!
The gold medal, baby. You did it. I wanna wear the gold medal, naked.
Hey, I've got something I wanna show you. I had it done last weekend.
That's you - the wolf that runs with the Lone Wolf.
So that the Lone Wolf never has to be alone again.
That's how much you mean to me, bro.
-You were drunk when you got it, weren't you?
-Yes. Absolutely hammered.
-Welcome to the pack.
-Let's get outta here.
# I'm a lone wolf in a cage
# Lost my partner to a lie
# Like a bird with broken wings, yeah
# It's impossible to fly
# I tried to live for two But only trust in one
# Is there nothing that we can do?
# Are we truly done?
# Every day we do or die
# As we're sailin' across the sky
# Now we're comin' home
# On these blades of glory
# Settin' fire to the ice
# Is the dream that keeps us alive
# Now we're comin' home
# On these blades of glory
# Could this be the end
# Of our mythic story? #
(The gold medal has been won by Jimmy and Chazz, thanks to Hector's idea.)
We did it, Hector! Boom! We sure did.
Thank you, Hector. He did it for us.
Where is Hector? Here I am, guys.
We did it. High-fives.
Cool. Way to go, guys. Gold medal.
You guys are the best.
Hey, Jimmy? Yeah, Hector? Can you give me a time-out here with Chazz?
Yeah, sure. Are you crying? No.
I'm fine. OK.
I'll go over here. Sandwich.
What is it? Boom.
I just wanna say you guys are partners now.
I've been friends with him for ever and you take good care of him.
I will. Boom. He just... He loves food.
And he likes dreams and whispers and his favourite movie is Short Circuit and Fried Green Tomatoes.
And just watch over him. All right?
I will. Boom. You have my word. High-five.
God bless you.
Sweet. Jimmy, you can come back.
What was it you guys were talking about? Just stuff, you know.
Hey, guys. You're amazing.
I just wanna say keep dreaming because there's a lot of dreams to be had.
Chazz Michael Michaels and Jimmy McElroy are two polar-opposite rival Olympic ice skaters. Stripped of their gold medals and permanently banned from any men's singles competition after their hostility ruins an awards ceremony, they sink into desperate obscurity. Surprisingly, however, their number one fan finds a loophole that will allow them to qualify as a pairs team.