French Film

This programme contains strong language

My films...

My films are about love.

Its beginnings. Its endings.

Its contracts. Its tricks.

The scene from my film La Fin Du Commencement,

or The End Of The Beginning.

The film portrays a difficult opening.

No?

No.

How can one take this relationship forward?

Well, they do. And in doing so, I show how the most unlikely

of beginnings can become the very glue that holds the relationship together.

Le commencement c'est tout.

The start is everything.

Life is determined by the way it began.

Even its end can be foreseen by the way it began.

The world was created by an explosion, and it will end by an explosion.

Love is the same.

Love is everything. The only reason my films are the same as love.

Prat.

The ending is in the beginning.

To understand that is to understand the films of Thierry Grimandi.

And to understand life.

I like that, it's romantic.

You are joking?

We have to go.

-HE MIMICS:

-The ending is in the beginning. To understand this is to understand life.

The man's a dickhead. And what are all those close-ups?

What is it about Gallic men that makes them think they're so profound,

so knowledgeable about la vie, about l'amour?

We have to go.

I don't know why we're doing this.

We're fine.

# I want you to die with my hands round your throat

# Or with me in the castle, you in the moat

# And everyone you know stood around laughing

# I want to watch you swing from a tree

# Or fry in a chair while you're looking at me

# And everyone in the world will be glad when you're gone

# Oh, it's silly

# To say we were never happy

# All those nights we spent kissing under the moon

# But I died inside When you ran out with my pride

# Why did you leave me alone in the make-out room?

# I wanna watch you drown in a lake

# Or get stamped by a bull or bit by a snake

# And there is not a single doctor who will come and help you... #

My father will be spinning in his grave.

That'll be the booze.

Oh, this is ridiculous.

-I've been thinking...

-Me too. Let's go home.

-About your racism.

Do you think it might be a symptom of your British repression?

It's not racism. It's xenophobia. It's a completely different thing.

-Oh!

-Yeah, racism is born out of ignorance, xenophobia out of knowledge.

And what knowledge do you have?

If they'd spent more time grafting and less time obsessing about relationships,

we wouldn't have had to subsidise their economy for the past 50 years. Fucking frogs.

So what part of France do you come from?

I spent some time in Paris.

Do you know it?

I do know Paris, yes.

-Of course you do.

-Course he does.

It's the capital. Everyone knows Paris. Even my father knew Paris, and he never left St Albans.

-I went there.

-Jed.

I was writing an article about a Czech novelist who had moved there during the communist regime.

-That's what I do. I write features and profiles about artists.

-Why?

I suppose I find it relatively interesting.

-I'd prefer if someone was doing a piece about me, but until I write that novel...

-Why here?

Why couple counselling?

Right. Well... Darling?

We're not sure.

Sorry, I'm not sure I understand how this is going to work.

It seems we're just looking at each other.

Some people come to me to save their relationship.

Others to end it.

Most to end it.

I proposed to her. We're here because I proposed to her, isn't that right?

Two weeks ago, yeah. After ten years of going out,

I took her to our favourite place, our favourite view...

-Your favourite view.

-Waterloo Bridge facing east, you know.

St Paul's, the Gherkin, the view people write about. Waterloo Sunset by the Kinks.

Waterloo by Abba. The most thought provoking skyline in London. It's our favourite...sorry, my favourite.

-And I went down on one knee and I popped the question.

-And I said no.

Mm-hm.

Tell me about the beginning. How you met, how you fell in love.

Oh, Christ, not you as well. Is this a French thing?

-Oh, God.

-OK, the beginning. Well, I didn't mistake her for a hooker.

So that's something(!)

Thierry Grimandi. I'm doing a piece about him. You probably know his...

Is there something you want to say, Cheryl?

He's a fucking coward.

Would you like to address directly to Jed?

Yes, would you like to do that?

You're a fucking coward!

What's so cowardly about asking your girlfriend to marry you?

It takes a lot of guts, as it happens.

I spent months trying to pluck up the courage, trying to forget about my parents.

Guts? Proposing to me takes guts?

I'm not coming back here.

You bloody are.

I asked you to marry me. Who gives a toss how we met?

There is nothing wrong that can't be resolved by you just working out why you said no.

He's a miracle worker.

A film is like life, is like love, like marriage.

You should always see the ending

within the first 15 minutes of the beginning.

Relax. You just had another row.

You want me to be short?

-Look who it is.

-Hey, Jed.

-How are you?

-I'm well, thanks.

-Good. God, it's been ages.

Ooh!

Oh, I'm so sorry.

-Oh, it smells great.

-Thanks, Chanel number 41.

-Actually, I meant the...

-It's Nigel Slater.

-For a chef, he makes pretty good perfume.

-Doesn't he just?

Completely wasted on Marcus, of course. Bloody Luddite.

-Food or perfume?

-Both.

-I'm not a Luddite. I'm a man.

-I'm a man who likes his food simple and substantial.

-How ironic.

The same way I feel about my men.

You can't have thrown this together.

Don't be ridiculous.

This food is amazing, Sophie. You really put me to shame.

-Yeah, doesn't she?

-Oh, come on, it's only food. It all ends up in the same place.

You are so annoying.

Well, honestly. I mean, no, you're a great cook, but food has gotten out of hand.

Do you know that kids can now name more celebrity chefs than they can members of the Cabinet?

-Yeah, so can I.

-Don't be a twat.

-I'm serious.

-He is.

I'm glad chefs are more influential than politicians. They're higher up the evolutionary scale.

Oh, I agree. Cheers.

-Cheers.

-I'll go along with that.

-Ah, great. So where are feature writers in this evolutionary scale?

-Above advertising executives.

Oh, mate. Compared to you, we're exploring space.

I think you'll find you're somewhere between lawyers and molluscs.

Mind you, buddy, it's worth the wait. These thumbs are amazing.

You see, you can all laugh, but we have more influence than any of you.

What about magazine editors?

Come on, you're worse than all of us.

Look, we explore the human condition.

Through the magic of fashion(!)

And agony aunts.

Besides, we give you work.

If it wasn't for us, you'd just be failed novelists.

Ooh.

Marcus, how did you two meet?

Is this another feature you're doing?

-Yeah, kind of.

-Jed.

No, it's interesting, the how-we-met story. You were interested in it earlier, weren't you?

-Soph?

-You go ahead.

-Sophie saved my life.

-What?

I don't want to get into too many details, but a number of things had...

Things had got quite dark.

A sudden something of an existential crisis, I guess,

because it made sense to kill myself.

It just seemed so simple.

It was a kind...

of elation.

'I was a mess.

'I was about to jump off a bridge

'when I heard this voice, shouting and screaming.'

Hey, you! Stop!

Please, please, don't jump. Please. Stay there, please!

Go away and leave me alone.

-Stay where you are.

-I'm not gonna move, I'm just...

-Stay where you are.

Why can't you just...just walk away?

-Go on.

-I'm Sophie.

-What's your name?

-My name's Marcus.

All right. Please, Marcus.

What?

Don't jump.

Why not? What's it matter?

It matters to me.

'And there she was. This girl.

'This woman.

'And she talked, and talked, and talked.

'And...

'And I couldn't do it. Not with her there.

'She stopped...saved me.'

I got down eventually and we talked.

All night.

And we took it from there.

Christ.

That's...incredible.

Isn't it? Maybe I'd have just walked on if he haven't been so...

Desperate.

-Cute.

-Yeah.

-THEY LAUGH

And that's propelled us two years so far.

-Propelled?

-He believes in beginnings.

-What?

-What?

You sound like Thierry Grimandi. I may have to rethink our friendship.

-Grimandi? Do you know his work?

-I wouldn't call it work. The man's a lunatic.

Cracking on about how beginnings determine everything. Especially in love.

-I know.

-You know?

-Yeah.

The man's a genius. You know, I used to watch his films in the '80s.

There's nobody writes about love the way he does.

-Nobody writes about love the way he does. You think that?

-Yeah.

You think that? The man who can drink two pints in under a minute, vomit and do it again?

Are the two mutually exclusive?

-I've never heard you mention him.

-Well, I mean, it's a long time ago now.

-I've never even heard of this bloke.

-You're not missing anything.

-He's romantic.

-He's a prick.

-He's sexy.

-He's got a beard.

-He's got balls.

-What's that supposed to mean?

-Have you seen his films?

-I'm watching his master class.

-Retrospective coming up. They want me to interview him.

-Really?

Oh, we should go, if he's a genius.

Yeah, you should. Especially if you like meaningless close-ups, cock about falling in love with hookers

who specialise in root canals and happy endings, and any amount of self-righteous horseshit. Thank you.

I don't think he's really your kind of thing, Soph.

I won't worry my pretty little head about it, then.

-No, honey, I just mean he's bit dated.

-He's romantic.

What's wrong with romantic? He might be a bit earnest.

-Earnest? The man makes Camus look like Benny Hill.

-Well, I like him.

He believes in something.

I'm going to go and make some coffee.

Love is the only significant event in a life of a human being.

He must achieve it at all costs.

'The ones who do not cannot say that they have lived.'

HE FARTS

'We must do anything to find it. That is my obsession.

'It should be yours.

'We must find love...

'But if it is not there in the beginning, it is not there.

'It must have a beginning.

'It is a beginning that is played out again and again and again,

'so make it good.'

For God's sake, Cheryl, all I did was propose.

She's not a hooker.

Aw.

Six months later,

they were married.

I must say that came as a bit of a shock, you liking someone French.

Well, as I said, I was young.

I mean, if I saw one of his films now, I'd probably think he was a fool.

You said he was a genius.

Yeah, I thought he was...then. You have to watch all his films?

Well, I guess if I'm going to interview him I ought to, but I'm not sure I can be arsed.

I don't blame you. I wouldn't bother.

It's kids' stuff.

I don't think Cheryl and I really had our big opening.

-Sorry?

-Not like you and Sophie.

-Oh, that was just one of those things.

But, you do love Sophie?

-Jed, are you all right?

-Do you?

-Yeah, of course.

-In the way Grimandi talks about it.

Do you feel sick if you can't be with her?

Do you hate any other man she takes a second look at?

Do you see her in extreme close-up?

As I said, I really wouldn't bother that much about what Grimandi thinks.

No. I know, I know. He gets inside your head. He's like Europop.

-But, do you?

-Jesus, man! Who knows?

Do you think you've ever been in love?

Once. Definitely once.

When I was a kid.

About the same time that I wanted to be in a band.

-What about you?

-Of course.

-I proposed to Cheryl.

-Jesus Christ. That's fantastic.

-Mmh. She said no.

-That's even better.

-What?

-I'm sorry. That's...

That's awful. Why?

Well, to be frank, mate, I think that...

I think maybe...

I mean, if I'm honest...

-Shall we just drink beer?

-Yeah.

So, you proposed?

Yes.

Why?

Because I want to marry her.

-Who?

-Oh, for God's sake.

-I want to marry you.

-Why?

Look, I think the question is, why did she say no?

-Who?

-Oh, for fuck's sake. You. Why did you say no?

Because that's what you wanted me to say.

Is it true, Jed?

-Is what true?

-The reason she said no.

Who said no? Gotcha.

Oh, for God's sake. Did you want me to say no?

-That would be absurd.

-It'd be you.

Have you ever considered children?

-No.

-Mm.

Interesting. And this next question is a very difficult one.

-If it's algebra, forget it.

-Very good(!)

Have you ever been in love?

-Of course.

-Of course.

-How does it feel?

-Wonderful.

-Yeah.

Now, I'll ask you another question. Have you ever been in love with each other?

-I don't know.

-Of course.

That is very good.

Now, why don't you tell me how you met?

There is nothing wrong with our "how we met" story.

Brighton Beach, me pissed on cider.

-Diamond White.

-Yeah. You tripping your tits off on acid.

-Wouldn't have had it any other way.

-Wouldn't have got it any other way.

It's just... Do you think we ever truly fell in love?

I mean, did either of us have that feeling in the stomach? That indecipherable ache?

-Ooh.

-I'm serious, Jed.

We work, Cheryl.

-We what?

-Work.

10 years we've had this.

I think we got together because we're a bit alike.

What? Is that so bad?

I don't know.

Oh, can we just maybe not think about this any more?

Didn't we have a car?

Oh, Christ!

Science created us, and science will kill us.

Christ was created without explanation, and taken the same way.

Love is the same.

Love is everything.

I guess so.

-Thank you.

-Send my love to Prague.

-Oh, I will. Thank you.

Have a nice day.

Marcus?

-Hi.

-What are you doing here?

I just met someone.

Oh, the girl at the counter?

-What?

-She's young. That's all it is.

Get over it.

-That's how they communicate. Hardly know they're doing it.

-What?

Doesn't fancy you. Beautiful, young East European girls are sent here to remind us of our mortality.

-Remember what you look like in your underpants.

-Jed, stop talking. It was her.

-Who?

Kate. The one I mentioned the other day. I was in love once when I was a kid.

-It's her.

-The kid?

-Yeah.

She's not a kid now, obviously.

No, but you just met the girl you were in love with in here? The kid?

-After 20 years.

-How old were you?

-17.

-That wasn't love. That was erectile tissue.

-Let's get a coffee.

-She left me. Her folks moved to the States.

She had to go with them, I never saw her again.

-I was two years in love, and then gone.

-Now she's here?

She moved back to London. Divorced.

Came here today for the same reason as me.

-What reason?

-We used to watch Grimandi films together.

I came here to check out the film listings.

All that talk got me nostalgic.

-I'm sorry, have we met?

-I know it's weird,

but it must be fate.

Jesus Christ, man.

But it's fine now, right?

Yeah, of course. Is what fine?

-You're not going to see her again, are you?

-Again.

No. God.

No, I have Sophie now.

-That would be...

-No. Good, because Sophie's wonderful.

-Thank you.

-I was actually complementing her, but...

I have to go.

I feel odd.

MUSIC: "Au Cafe De La Paix" by Thomas Fersen

Loser!

I don't believe it. Lunch at Harringtons. How did you manage this?

I did a piece on the chef and he offered me a table. It's meant to be amazing.

Thank you so much.

Oh, well, it's from both of us so...

-Of course. Thank you, Cheryl.

-You're welcome.

Happy birthday, Sophie.

I thought maybe you could educate Marcus.

To be more like you?

Where is he, anyway?

Actually, I have no idea.

Did Marcus happen to tell you that Jed and I are in couple counselling?

I'm so sorry I'm late.

-Hi.

-Hello.

-Hiya.

-Hey, mate.

-What happened?

-I got caught up at work.

And then I had to go and get your present.

Ah.

SOPHIE GIGGLES

Well, open it.

Ah...

-Well, what do you think?

-Oh.

What?

Oh, God.

No. Oh, God.

You thought... No.

No, erm...

It's just a present.

Well, it's beautiful.

It's really... It's lovely.

HE MOUTHS

I think you were relieved when I said no.

I think you thought it meant you could leave me and no-one would question why.

"After all, she said no." Your conscience could be clear. I think that was your thought process.

We've been together for ten years. It was a natural progression.

Like I said to you, we work.

Yeah, like the vacuum cleaner you bought me for my birthday.

You said we needed one.

What I needed was... lunch at Harringtons.

You don't like posh food.

You have no idea what I like.

Jed, could you tell Cheryl how do you feel now?

Frustrated!

Yes. But do you love her?

-Yeah, I love her to pieces.

-Who?

-Cheryl.

-So tell her.

Cheryl, I love you to bits.

-To bits?

-Yes, to bits.

What is "to bits"? To pieces?

-It's an expression.

-An expression of truth?

-No, it's an expression.

-For goodness' sake, you have them in French.

-We have them in French?

Yeah, an expression!

I had to learn them at school.

Fait du picnic. Comme ci, comme ca. Ou est le parking? En face de la banque. Evidement.

Jed, could you tell her you love her without your qualification?

Of course, don't be ridiculous.

-So go on, then.

-What?

Go on.

Je t'aime.

I love you.

Cheryl, do you love Jed?

Well?

Cheryl?

Are you telling me you don't love me?

I'm telling you I don't think I ever did.

This is very good progress.

Well done. Both of you.

Getting in?

I think I'll walk.

Jed? Jed, I'm sorry.

Me too.

-I feel terrible about saying what I said.

-You shouldn't. It's true.

Why don't we have a chat?

-I mean, about all of it?

-Yeah, we should probably do that.

Well, do you want to get in?

I don't think so.

-So how do you want to do this?

-I don't know. We could wait for a red light.

-Will you come to my launch party tonight?

-Would you like me to?

-Yes, I would.

-Then I will.

-Thank you.

-You're welcome.

I'll see you later, then.

# Chanson d'amour...#

We must do anything to find it.

That is my obsession.

It should be yours. We must find love.

# Here in my heart

# Ra-da-da-da-da... #

-Jed.

-What? You scared the hell out of me. What are you doing here?

I need to talk to you.

-What?

-Love.

-I heard you.

-I understand it.

I need to tell somebody, I need to tell you.

In case you've forgotten, we're men.

No, I saw Kate.

-You'd better tell someone else.

-There's nobody else to tell. You're my best mate.

Proper mates don't talk about love.

Proper mates can go for years without talking or even thinking in each other's company.

This isn't mateship, this is...

That's why I was late for Sophie's birthday last night. We'd been for a coffee.

-How could you do that?

-Because her number was burning

a hole in my pocket, and her smile was burning a hole in my heart.

Tell me that's not Spandau Ballet.

Well, I know... I mean...

You're not going to think much of me for this, Jed, but...

..this is it.

How do you know this thing is love?

The coffee.

The coffee?

It tasted different. When I was with Kate, the coffee tasted like it's never tasted before.

-Maybe it was decaf.

-You see, you don't get it, do you?

-Apparently not.

-Everything was different, Jed.

Like the sky, the air, the pavement and the river's colours, Jed.

It's got hundreds of colours. I could feel and hear and smell.

It's like all my senses were buzzing, you know?

I mean, London was alive.

I was alive.

And...and...

and then we kissed.

I mean, Jesus Christ, I didn't know what I was doing, but she felt the same.

I mean, I could feel that she felt the same.

I'm not exaggerating, Jed.

Everything went sepia.

The whole world. People.

Sepia. My stomach was turning over and over and over. I mean, it was incredible.

It's that thing, and I know what it is.

Weird-tasting coffee?

It's Kate. It always was.

Well, what about Sophie?

-If Kate is love, what is Sophie?

-Um...

How's the coffee when you're with Cheryl?

I don't drink coffee.

See?

It's possible, Jed.

It's possible to feel like this.

And you have to find it, man.

So, what are we going to do?

MARCUS BELCHES I still find that so impressive.

This was a really good idea.

I feel more relaxed already.

-Thank God for pubs, eh?

-Yeah.

I can't believe you can do this to Sophie.

I haven't done anything to her yet.

MARCUS BELCHES

You kissed Kate.

It doesn't count.

Oh, right. So, if I kissed Sophie, it wouldn't count?

No.

MARCUS BELCHES

MARCUS BELCHES

-Another one?

-Why not?

-BOTH:

-Tom?

How exciting.

-Hey.

-Hey. Thank you so much.

-You're welcome. You're welcome. Great party.

-Thank you. Thank you.

Excuse me, sorry.

Cheryl, you have done us proud.

And may I say, you're looking absolutely marvellous too.

-Well, thank you.

-Don't tell me you're here alone?

-No, no.

Jed should be here somewhere.

I'm sorry about tonight.

It's fine.

-It was Marcus.

-Stop it.

No, seriously. He was in a state, and I had to have a drink with him.

He's in love with a girl from school.

-Poor Sophie.

-Mmm.

So, what was your advice?

Well, I told him he wasn't in love with Kate.

I told him he had a virus or something.

-A virus?

-Hm.

You really... You think he has a virus?

-Don't you believe that ANYONE can truly be in love?

-Do you?

I thought you'd be angry about tonight.

Me too.

I'm not angry.

Not any more.

You not turning up tonight doesn't make me angry.

You not being able to tell me you love me

without saying "to bits"

doesn't make me angry.

That you put more thought into a present for Sophie

than you ever have for me, it doesn't make me angry, Jed.

The anger, the frustration, at least they felt like something.

I thought that was love.

Maybe it was. I don't know, but...

But liking you,

understanding you,

feeling for you...

feels like something else now.

It feels like pity.

You will know love

when you feel it.

And when you do, I beg you, if my films teach you anything,

it is that the beginning is everything.

Recognise it...and take it.

PHONE RINGS

-Jed Winter.

-'Hey, you. It's Sophie.'

Sophie?

Oh, I'm sorry, is this a bad time?

No, no, no. I was just... Sorry, no, no.

It's today. The lunch you gave me.

-Oh!

-'Marcus was supposed to come,'

but something's come up at work.

A new account or something.

-Oh.

-'Sorry?'

-Oh, a new account?

Well, I suppose that happens a lot.

Well, not a lot, but... Oh, that's a shame.

Jed, I was wondering, I wasn't sure about asking you this, but...

Ask away.

OK.

Well...

Do you? You and me. Do you fancy...?

Fancy? I thought you'd never ask.

I try not to, with you being Marcus's girlfriend,

but you shouldn't feel weird about asking, because the answer's, "Yes, I do."

Sophie?

I was wondering if you fancied joining me for lunch.

No, I know. I know that.

-I was joking.

-Oh, God. Oh.

'Oh, God, I'm sorry.'

-How ridiculous of me.

-No, it's not ridiculous.

It's just me. I was just... I was being an arse.

-I would love to have lunch with you.

-Great.

And you weren't being an arse. I was being an arse.

Well, my arse is bigger.

Look, I'll see you in a bit.

OK, OK. Bye.

Dick!

Dick.

-Hey, you.

-Hi.

-Hi.

-You look smart. Here in your suit.

-This old thing...

Here we go.

Thank you. Oh, stop it.

You think so? But I'm just fed up with it.

It's meant to make your life so easy. "Broadband makes your life so easy." I mean, that's the campaign.

But I got on the phone to Bangalore,

talking to a man who clearly thought I had a degree in computer science,

and who, frankly, I couldn't really understand.

I know, I felt bad pointing out that I was struggling with his accent,

but after a couple of hours, I sort of got the hang of it, and we had a lovely chat about his family.

You got your broadband sorted out, right?

No.

-But I've adopted an elephant called Maude.

-That's hilarious.

-That's what you should be writing about in your novel.

-You think?

-Yes!

You're far more interesting than those wankers you have to write about.

According to Cheryl, I'm a failed novelist.

You're not a failed novelist.

You're a scared one.

Smoked fish and chips ice cream.

Hold it in your mouth for ten seconds, and enjoy the memories.

Oh, by the way, about earlier.

When I said that I... About the fancying thing...

Oh, don't. I clearly have no sense of humour.

-Oh, well, I clearly am not funny.

-We should do a double act.

Yeah. No jokes, no laughs, just awkward misunderstandings.

-We'd be a sellout.

-It makes ME laugh.

It's this Grimandi guy. His relentless stream of shit just permeates my mind.

Nice imagery.

Mmm.

I feel 16 again.

Really?

Freshly cut grass.

Long summers.

-It really takes me back.

-Well, that's apparently what he does here.

Taste is meant to... make you feel again.

It does. He's a genius!

Mmm.

It tastes like magic.

It's incredible.

Oh, Jed.

I feel like I'm at the seaside.

Just been for a swim in the sea. Mmm.

Standing on the pier.

The sun shining on my face.

It's exactly how fish and chips used to taste when you were a kid.

They just don't taste like this any more.

Mmm. No-one would believe us if we told them.

You're right. He's a genius.

So.

Tell me about this Grimandi's philosophy of love.

Well, he thinks that the greater the meeting, the falling,

the better chance a relationship has.

He believes in...sparks.

-Do you believe that?

-I don't know what I believe.

Thank you.

Sweet beef with roast potato and leek custard,

served on a bed of chocolate jelly and bacon. Enjoy.

OK, this is officially the best present anyone has ever given me.

You're a very special man, Jed.

-Cheers.

-Cheers.

A whole baby pigeon wrapped in marzipan really should be disgusting.

It reminded me of my first boyfriend.

Isn't taste incredible?

Actually, it was the little turned up nose and the bony feet!

THEY LAUGH

-It's funny.

-What is?

-Nothing.

-Nothing's funny.

# Give me a kiss to build a dream on

# In my imagination

# We'll thrive upon that kiss

# Sweetheart I ask no more than this

# A kiss to build a dream on... #

You don't smoke.

I know.

It's love. I mean, it's really love.

-I think it is.

-Do you?

-It's interesting, it's such a fine line

-between being in love and being Care in the Community.

-So you think it is love?

I mean, I'm really in love.

-Oh, for God's sake.

-I need to know, mate.

-I mean, it feels like it is but how do I know?

-PHONE BEEPS

Does she make you feel like you could give up everything else in your life for her?

I think she does.

Would your life be intolerable without her?

Yes.

Does she make you feel like you felt when you were happy?

-Even if happiness is a myth.

-Yes. Yeah, she does.

Could you leave your partner for her, regardless of the consequences?

I think I could.

Then, my friend,

you're in love.

Cheers.

-I keep hitting the shift key, and I just get this error thing. Listen.

-BEEPING

What?

Do I? Yes, of course I know what a shift key is.

OK, I'll try the other one.

Same thing, same thing.

Do I? I'm sorry, I don't...

Look, is Ranjit Vinsaka there?

He understands me.

Oh, is he? Oh, dear.

No... Why do you need my postal code now?

We're past that, you've been helping me. You don't need my post...

N5 4PF.

N.

No, N for Norwich. Norman.

For naan. Naan.

Five. Yeah.

Four.

Four. Four! No, just one four.

Forget it.

There's coffee in the pot.

You don't drink coffee.

Thought I'd give it a whirl.

No luck with the broadband?

No, it's not for me.

Good night?

Good.

Yours?

Good. Thanks.

Good.

Are you all right?

I'm fine.

PHONE BEEPS

-I'll take a shower, then.

-Yeah, I better get back to work.

He's having an affair.

Are you sure?

A woman knows.

Yeah, I suppose they do.

Has he said anything?

Of course not. Fucking coward.

Has he said anything to you?

No.

Oh, Jed.

I saved that bastard's sorry little life.

Yeah, you did.

Mind you, is that a reason to be with someone?

I don't know why I called you.

Don't know what I wanted you to say. This is pointless.

No.

Wait, I...

I need to find Marcus.

-She knows you're having an affair.

-I know.

She wanted to know if I knew anything.

-Did you tell her?

-Of course not!

I'm not going to do your dirty work for you.

-I'm going to tell her tonight.

-Tell her what?

-I'm leaving her.

-What?

-I'm leaving. I just quit this nonsense too.

-What?

Yeah, Kate and I are going to go and live in Paris.

We're in love, Jed.

-Do you understand? Kate and I are in love.

-Paris?

-Didn't I mention Kate's French?

-French?

-Shh.

Are you just going to repeat everything that I say?

Look, this is madness.

I'm glad you're pleased for me.

This is real this time. No tricks.

-Tricks?

-See, you're doing it again. I gotta go.

How can you leave someone who loves you?

Oh, it's easy.

She doesn't love me, and I don't love her.

But she saved your life.

No, she didn't. Sorry.

But love is never what it seems.

Maybe love is nothing more than a confidence trick.

If we can deceive others,

'we can deceive ourselves.

'We can make ourselves believe anything we want to believe.

'We only know our own truth,

'nobody else's, but we must know our own.

'We must know it.'

You were right.

I proposed hoping you'd say no.

I'm not in love with you...

..but I couldn't admit that to you, to myself.

I needed you to leave me.

I'm a coward.

MAN CLEARS HIS THROAT

Sorry.

I think we met at a time

when we both needed something in our lives.

I think that's what it was and I think that has nothing to do with love.

We were just kids.

Pissed, lonely kids.

So the proposal was an endgame.

Yeah.

Fascinating.

-I was right.

-Yeah.

And what made you realise this?

You said it yourself.

Working isn't enough.

Wonderful. This is wonderful.

Why don't you just shut up?

I'm sorry.

It may not feel like it now, but this is a success story, Cheryl.

Success?

You came here to separate and now you achieve it.

Do you really believe that he...?

Do you think that...?

Because I...I want...

I want to feel something.

I haven't felt anything for...

Even when we met, we were numb on drink and drugs and...life,

and I thought being together was enough.

You know, other people fall in love.

They talk about it all the time.

They write songs about it, for Christ's sake. I just... I never...

really believed them.

It's all my bloody magazine talks about.

I think I might want to fall in love.

I'm nearly 40

and I've never done it.

I want something to feel.

I want a story to tell.

I want my beginning.

No, she went fucking mental.

She kept telling me what a twat I am.

-You are.

-She knows it's not true.

She's just upset, which is fine.

Whatever's best for her.

Less grieving, I suppose.

Grieving. God, I hadn't thought about the grieving.

-I hope you can help Sophie through this.

-Me? Why?

Well, because you get each other.

You know, she's always going on about you.

If I cared, I'd think she had a thing about you.

-Don't be ridiculous.

-Look, me and Kate are leaving for Paris on Friday.

We're on the first train out of here. And just so's you know,

I'm not proud of myself.

Sorry about you and Cheryl.

It's a fucking minefield.

See you, man.

LAUGHTER

I tell you,

love is, of course, a prominent subject in my life.

-As well as sex.

-Love you, Thierry.

Get the number of this woman.

And if it was a man, get him a good surgeon.

So, Thierry, you've said before that love can sometimes be a confidence trick.

Now, do you truly believe that, or is it simply a motif in your films?

There is no such a thing as a motif in a film.

Film is my life. My life is film.

Evidement.

And in La Fin Du Commencement, was she really a prostitute?

Monsieur Jed...

..she was no more a prostitute than he thought she was.

He made it up.

He knew if he could pull off a beginning like that, they'd have a real chance at love.

So he never thought she was.

Of course not.

He wanted a beginning.

-That's not love, that's deception.

-I like that.

How should it feel?

I mean, when you...

feel it, when you know, when you think,

when you find it,

how should it...? For you, what are the signs?

The coffee.

The coffee?

The taste is different.

Love is tasting different.

Love is sepia. Seeing a woman's lips,

her eyelashes, her fingernails, her soul.

Love is sickness.

Longing. Illness.

Love is...

Love is close-ups.

Now, let me show the scene from Le Suicide Amour.

-You know it?

-I'm ashamed to say I haven't seen it yet.

It is a film about romantic deception, where love and mendacity collide in beauty.

In beauty.

RAPTUROUS APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thank you.

I'm so sorry.

I can't believe it.

I can't believe it.

Not only does he run off with someone from his maths class,

but he pretended to fucking kill himself so that he...

-Jesus.

-We don't actually know that's what he did.

-That's exactly what he did.

-Well, Soph, I mean...

Don't try and defend him, Jed.

What made you come today?

I wanted to make some sense of what he and this Kate shared.

And you thought Grimandi would have those answers?

Well, as it turns out, he did.

Evil little prick.

-Did you love him?

-What?

Marcus.

-Did you love him?

-Of course, I bloody love him to bits. What kind of question is that?

-What are you smiling at?

-Nothing.

It's just someone asked me if I love Cheryl, and I said, "Of course, to bits."

-So?

-But I didn't.

Nor she me.

He's left me.

You must have known.

-What?

-He must have told you.

-In the pub, over a pint...

-No, no.

Men like him don't keep secrets from other men.

Sophie, if I'd known that he'd done something like that...

What? If you'd known, what?

-You'd have told me?

-Well, yeah.

Don't lie to me, Jed. Do not lie to me.

Of course I'd have had told you.

You were laughing at me. You and him, and all his mates at work.

You were all having a good old laugh.

And what about this, this Kate?

Did you know about that?

-Yes.

-You did? You knew?

-I was going to tell you.

I wanted to.

Jesus Christ, you as well.

Soph, I didn't know what to do.

You really were both having a good laugh.

-How fucking stupid am I?

-That's not how it happened.

-That's not what happened.

-Why don't you have a laugh now?

Go on. We could have a good old chat about who else Marcus is shagging.

-Will you stop this?

-Yeah, we can have a good cackle at good old Sophie.

Would you like that? Would you all bloody like that?

-I love you.

-What?

I... I...

I... Christ, I'm sorry.

I think...

You lied to me,

and I think you should leave now.

Please, just leave me alone.

I need to talk to a woman.

You stupid,

stupid, stupid,

stupid,

stupid, fucking stupid, fucking stupid, fucking fuck!

Fuck. "I love you" You twat!

Hairy-arsed fucking twat!

Ow! Fucking hell. Ow.

Love is everything.

The only reason... I say to you once.

Look, love is the only significant event in

the life of a human being.

We must do anything.

That is my obsession.

Monsieur Jed, have you found love?

Hey!

That's my fucking bike! Hey, come back!

TYRES SCREECH

-Marcus!

What are you doing here?

-Jesus!

-How could you do that?

-You just fucking hit me!

-You fucked her up, and now you've fucked me up, too.

-What the fuck are you talking about?

No wonder you were so weird about Grimandi.

They were his lines, weren't they? The coffee, the sepia.

-What?

-We saw the film, Marcus!

Soph and I, we saw Grimandi's film.

OK.

I admit I got the idea

from Grimandi, but that was just how we met. I loved Sophie.

At least... At least, I thought I did, until Kate.

I lied to Sophie about the suicide.

I lied to you about not liking Grimandi, but this is true, me and Kate. We're true.

True, like a French film true?

No. Like the man says, true.

If you haven't experienced love, then you haven't lived.

Whatever it takes, Jed.

Whatever it takes.

I should've come clean, though.

-I wanted to.

-I should've done my research.

Well, you've always been lazy.

-I've always been honest.

-No, you haven't.

-Well, I am now.

I'll see you.

Christ.

Soph, what...? Why are you here?

I needed to see Kate.

Why?

I'm a woman.

-She's pretty.

-You think?

-I saw what you did.

-Oh, God, did you?

-I'm not much of a fighter, I'm afraid.

-Did you hit him for me?

I'm so sorry about last night.

-Me too.

-Really?

You were just trying to be kind.

No, I wasn't.

I meant it, Soph.

I...

Something happened for me. Something started.

At that lunch, or at your birthday, or... God, when we first met, I don't know when, but, erm...

..it happened.

I'm sorry, Soph.

Look, Jed, I...

I'm gonna shut up.

In fact, I'm gonna leave.

-Are you expecting a guest?

-No. Thank you.

KNOCK ON DOOR

-Sophie.

-I'm glad.

For what?

That you don't know when it started.

-When what started?

-This.

When this started.

So you think it has?

I think

there are other meetings, other than suicides and prostitutes.

Less dramatic.

Like what?

Like this.

How about this?

My doorstep?

It might have to be dramatic enough.

-You know what I like best about France?

-Surprise me.

-Leaving it.

SHE LAUGHS

SIREN WAILS

MUSIC: "Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien"

# Dirty old river

# Must you keep rolling

# Flowing into the night

# People so busy

# Makes me feel dizzy

# Taxi light shines so bright

# But I don't need no friends

# As long as I gaze on Waterloo sunset

# I am in paradise

# Every day I look at the world from my window

# But chilly, chilly is evening time

# Waterloo sunset's fine

# Waterloo sunset's fine

# Terry meets Julie, Waterloo Station

# Every Friday night

# But I am so lazy

# Don't want to wander

# I stay at home at night

# And I don't feel afraid

# As long as I gaze on Waterloo sunset

# I am in paradise

# Sha, la, la

# Every day I look at

# The world from my window

# Sha, la, la

# But chilly, chilly is evening time

# Waterloo sunset's fine

# Waterloo sunset's fine

# Millions of people

# Swarming like flies round

# Waterloo underground

# But Terry and Julie

# Cross over the river

# Where they feel safe and sound

# And they don't

# Need no friends

# As long as they gaze on

# Waterloo sunset

# They are in paradise

# As long as they gaze on

# Waterloo sunset

# They are in paradise

# As long as they gaze on

# Waterloo sunset

# They are in paradise

# As long as they gaze on

# Waterloo sunset

# They are in paradise. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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