Frequently Asked Questions About Time Travel

This film contains very strong language.

Time travel.

It'll turn your brain into spaghetti if you let it.

Best not to think about it. Best just to get on

with the job in hand, which is destroying the enemy

before they're even born and have a chance to threaten us.

We're expecting any resistance to be light,

as the ancestors of our enemies have yet to evolve any thumbs,

or indeed spines.

But that does not change the fact that they may one day evolve

into a species that may pose a threat to us.

And for that reason, we are going to rain down a fiery death upon them

that will turn the surface of their planet into a radioactive desert

because we are the Planetary Peace Corps and that is what we do!

Now, are you nappy-wearing motherfuckers ready to lock and load and get it on?!

THEY START CRYING

What?! No, no, no, no! Shh!

Look, it's not even a real gun! Ooh!

Ooh! Look at all the lights!

SIRENS BLARE

TANNOY: 'Due to technical difficulties,

'the Star Ride is closed until further notice.

'Due to technical difficulties,

'the Star Ride is closed until further notice.'

Two for one at Dinoburger.

Two for one at Dinoburger.

It doesn't even make any sense. Why would we do this?

Toby, don't start.

All right, love? All right, love? Two for one at Dinoburger.

We're encouraging people to eat dinosaurs, to eat us, you know?

-Why would we do that?

-We're not real dinosaurs.

-We should be dressed as cavemen.

-Tobe, why do you always do this?

-You were the same on the Ghost Train.

-That wasn't logical, either.

Everyone knows werewolves and vampires are natural enemies.

There is no way they would team up to attack a train.

Toby, stop thinking! And talking!

Yeah, you're right.

We can't think much cos a dinosaur's brain is only the size of a walnut.

As far as talking goes, it's just like...

Roahhhwwww.

Roahwwww.

Tobe, Tobe, Toby!

Tobe, stop it! Be careful you don't get lost in the role.

I heard of this one guy over on the Star Ride.

Thought he was a Space Ranger. Traumatised a load of kids, they sacked him.

Oh, hello, Ray. Didn't see you there.

Pete. Tobe.

It was a crappy job, anyway.

Yeah. Says the man dressed as a dinosaur.

-So...what are you going to do?

-I don't know.

I was thinking about maybe moving back home, taking that job at my uncle's place.

-Why do you want to do that? We can get you another job. Here.

-Where?

Barry Burp's Bubble Ride?

Get you a job there easy.

-High turnover cos of the chlorine in the eyes.

-Hmm, it is tempting(!)

But there should be more to life than dressing up as a bubble.

Maybe it's time to get real.

So?

In an ideal world, what would be your perfect job?

-I don't know. Comic shop?

-Oh, come on. Think bigger.

Astronaut?

Yeah, cool!

But your absolute dream job?

-I mean, if there was...no limits.

-No limits?

Well, it's obvious.

-It's got to be Time Lord.

-Oh, come to daddy! Ooh. What's that?

-4 minutes 32.

-That's bollocks! You led him on.

-What's this?

It's a bet. He reckons you'll mention time travel in under five minutes.

You're making bets on me?!

On the day I get fired, you're making bets on me?!

He did. I didn't want to.

-I do talk about other things.

-What? Like sky-fi?

How many times? It's not sci-fi, Pete, it's science fiction,

or SF, which can also stand for speculative fiction.

Jesus! And you wonder why you can't get laid.

I can.

I do.

Some girls are into science fiction.

You see, that's your problem, Ray.

Your ideal girl is you. With tits.

THEY LAUGH

In fact, your ideal girl is him.

I object to that!

Now, that was a shit film.

Yeah. Someone should write and complain, you know.

"Dear Hollywood, you're shit."

How hard can it be to make a film that doesn't suck?

I've got millions of great ideas.

-Like what?

-What?

-Come on. I want to hear one of your great ideas.

-OK.

Right.

Prepare to be amazed.

Ninja Yodeller.

Are you just, like, saying random words, Tobe?

No. Yodeller by day, ninja by night, you see?

-Oh, yeah, because the other way around would be really stupid(!)

-Stupid.

No, you've got, like, ninjas who are really quiet, yeah?

Yodellers, really loud. There's a conflict for the character.

-Torn between two worlds.

-He's really thought about this.

OK. All right.

You know the way sometimes you come up with a really shit idea,

-like, on purpose to try and test us out?

-Yeah?

Is this one?

Yeah, you got me.

-Nearly had you, though.

-And him.

-Yeah.

-Ninja Yodeller!

Ninja Yodeller.

-How's your REAL script going?

-I'm doing most of the work up here, really.

Besides, every writer needs to get out in the real world.

Have some experiences, fresh ones, to enrich his work.

Really? I thought a writer needed to stay in and write.

Yeah. That's the eternal enigma of creativity. We should discuss it...

-in the pub.

-Give me that.

-Oi!

Oh, you thieving git!

-I said that!

-Come on, all great writers steal.

-Oh! Ray said that?

-What?

Give it to me. Give me my book. Come on.

You'll see. One day I'll be famous and then you'll be sorry.

"Dear Hollywood, please stop making so many crappy movies.

"Here are a few tips to help you out.

"One - story is king. Always has been, always will be."

This is eating into our drinking time.

OK. Er, remakes, Jude Law...

hand-shot first.

More Firefly and/or Serenity.

The end.

Well, that's Hollywood sorted.

-Shall we move on to the Middle East(?)

-Pen's running out.

-Oh, always the way.

-COUGHS:

-Nerds!

Hey! Didn't we all agree to stop using the N word? Didn't we?

-I didn't agree to anything.

-Nerd is the word they use to keep us down...

-You should use the term imagineer.

-Yeah.

That's the nerdiest thing I've ever heard!

You are just threatened.

You are threatened because you don't understand our world.

What's to understand? I saw one Star Trek film,

-I hated it and never looked back.

-Really? Which one?

The first one with the big gold robot and the little fat mate.

-You mean Star WARS, don't you?

-Do I? Aren't they the same thing?

No. No, they're not.

He knows.

-How would I know? I'm not a nerd. Or even an imagineer.

-Better.

I'm glad you're happy.

Whose round is it?

-I got the last round.

-I got the biscuits from the garage.

-I paid for you to get into Scandals that time.

-I paid for the cloakroom.

-I brought teabags round when you ran out!

-I lent you my coat.

The snug's less busy.

Can you get me some crisps?

Thanks.

THUD!

-He could be wearing stealth lederhosen.

-Jesus, you took your time.

-Yes, I did.

-I'll get the next round.

-Well done. I was impressed.

-What?

-It's a lot of effort to go to.

I mean, I'm, er...

-I'm rather touched.

-What are you talking about?

Cassie. Next door.

-She fed me her little story.

-Cassie?

-The girl in the snug.

Come on, guys. Fit, funny, dodgy American accent.

-You set it up.

-Just now?

Yeah. Look, whatever. I just want to say thank you

cos I think I might actually be in with a chance there.

I can see why you think it'd be a wind-up.

-You want to hear what happened or not?

-Absolutely! Go on.

-Make her double-jointed.

-Ignore him.

-Come on. I want to hear it.

-OK.

Hello, Ray.

Hi.

Erm... I'm sorry. Do I know you?

I'm Cassie.

You don't know me, but I know you very well.

At least, I feel like I do.

I've read all about you.

-All about me?

-Yeah. I guess from your perspective,

those books haven't been written yet, but, er...

-Haven't been written yet, like from the future?

-Exactly.

Ah.

Ah, I see. You're a time traveller.

Bingo! Yes.

-I didn't say I believed her.

-You've invented a girlfriend!

-I have not.

Time-travelling hottie visits time-travel fan. It's not a bad idea.

-How far back in time have you come?

-150 years.

And where's your time machine?

-Inside me.

-Oh! That's handy, isn't it?

Is it like a little pill?

Uh, no, it's hard-wired into my bones

which have been replaced with a polymer composite.

-So it's flexible, but very standard issue.

-Are you a space lady?

-IN HIGH VOICE:

-"Hello!

"Nanu.

-"Phone home."

-No!

No, I repair time leaks.

Sounds exciting.

No. No, it's not.

Really. It's quite dull.

This is the only perk of the job.

-What is?

-Meeting famous people from history.

Me?!

I read that you would be in here on this day, you know.

I just couldn't pass up a chance of meeting Ray the Great.

-It's what she said.

-Ray the Great.

-Shut up.

So, what other famous people, like me, have you met?

Have you met Einstein or Elvis?

You know what you should do? You should go back and kill Hitler...

-That's a classic.

-That's also a time crime.

-You're no fun.

-Yeah.

We call it editing. It's trying to erase people from history.

-Like Hitler.

-Yeah, like Hitler.

But, a lot of the time, it's more of a personal taste thing.

Like, Paris Hilton?

-Who?

-Brilliant.

Well, um, yeah, they try to erase them from history

just because they don't like them,

or don't like their songs or their films or whatever.

They are totally psychotic, Ray.

There's even one bunch of Editors who try to kill artists immediately after their greatest works.

-I don't get it.

-Well, it's to avoid a decline in quality.

It would be like killing, say...

Kevin Costner right after Dances With Wolves.

You could do Morrissey.

-After The Smiths?

-No. Just generally.

-George Lucas after Jedi?

-Ooh! Empire, surely?

Hmm. You'd miss the Ewok battle.

-Who cares?

-I care.

Let's see how good your research really is. What is...

the grandfather paradox?

I...

I've got to be honest with you, Ray, I didn't exactly finish the manual.

It was like a brick. I'm more of a quick-start pamphlet kind of girl.

Yes. Sure. I mean hey, who's got the time, you know?

-It's only history we're messing with.

-Look, I'm not totally stupid.

I mean, I can safely talk to you

because everyone knows you're obsessed with time travel.

-So?

-So, no-one will believe you when you tell them about this.

Very clever, Ray. Double bluff.

Still don't believe you.

What about Chaos Theory?

-You do know about Chaos Theory, right?

-Oh!

Yes, of course. Chaos Theory is the idea

that all actions have consequences...

..when you take that... quantum leap...

OK, erm, bit of advice. When you are talking about this stuff,

might be a good idea to speak with a bit more confidence about it.

OK. Well, I will. I'll bear that in mind. Thank you.

Chaos Theory is the idea that tiny things can have huge consequences.

So because you delayed me going through there,

all the things I was going to do have been delayed subsequently

and that has a knock-on effect, which can totally change the future.

So, so wait, that means you're going to drink your pint a bit later,

which means you're going to go to the bathroom a little bit later.

My God, Ray, you're right. That's terrible. We're all doomed!

Do you have any idea how rare it is to find a girl

who's into science fiction who doesn't have everything pierced?

How do you know I haven't?

Um, listen, you should come through.

Join us. I'll tell the guys what a good job you did.

Have they paid you yet? I could get you a tip.

Not in a stripper kind of way because you're not

a stripper, obviously. But you'd make a good one.

You'd make a fine one. I'm sure you'd look great naked.

Well put.

No. Thank you. I have to go, actually.

Oh, no. What's the rush?

I've got a time leak to find, remember?

Of course.

OK. Er, well... I'll see you later, then.

Hey, in the future, maybe.

Yeah, maybe.

-Could you...?

-Oh, yeah.

I'm sorry. Thanks.

-Bye, Ray.

-Bye.

Not bad. Not bad at all.

Can't really say I'm buying the time-travelling skeleton thing.

-A bit too Terminator.

-No, but I like the sexy time-traveller.

-How does it end?

-I don't know because I'm not making it up.

-She was real.

-I know what it is.

You know how you can pay a prostitute

-to act things out for you?

-No, I don't.

Someone who knows Ray well treated him to a time-travelling hooker!

-She was nice!

-And you didn't even sleep with her.

That was probably in with the price.

She wasn't a prostitute.

You should have slept with her. You know why?

-Why?

-Cos she'd have shagged you into the middle of next week.

Eh? Eh? Come on. Come on.

Thank you. Thank you. My name's Pete and I'll be here all week.

Down those and we'll catch last orders at The King's Head. I'm going to take a leak.

-Oh, because of the future thing!

-Hm.

-Ah!

# Every now and then I fall apart

# And I need you now, tonight

# And I need you more than ever

# And if you'll only hold me tight

# We'll be holding on for ever

# And we'll only be making it right

# Cos we'll never be wrong

# Together we can take it to the end of the line

# Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time

# I don't know what to do I'm always in the dark

# We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks

# I really need you tonight

# For ever's gonna start tonight

# For ever's gonna start tonight

# Once upon a time I was falling in love

# Now I'm only falling apart

# There's nothing I can say

# A total eclipse of the heart

# Now I'm only falling apart

# Nothing I can say

# Total eclipse of the heart. #

MUSIC: "The Land Of Make Believe" by Bucks Fizz

Oh, my God!

It's me!

GLASS BREAKS

HUBBUB

MUSIC: "Total Eclipse Of The Heart" by Bonnie Tyler

# Nothing I can say Total eclipse of the heart

# Total eclipse of the heart... #

Are we off, then?

Oh, shit! I will see your time-travelling hottie

and raise you a pub full of dead bodies!

Is that piss on your jeans?

No.

-Not all of it.

-Bollocks!

Couldn't this be that leak your woman was looking for?

-So you believe me now, do you?

-I still don't, for the record.

After what I've just seen, I'll believe anything.

-Guys, I just saw my own dead face.

-Whoo, ooh, ooh!

Go in yourself. You'll see.

I don't know. I mean, first a future woman and now this.

It's...it's like a time-travel murder mystery. You guys...

It's not me!

-Are you winding us up?

-No.

Look, something very bad is going to happen.

I've just had a premonition of my own death.

Then, why don't you just leave?

If you're so spooked, why don't you just run away? Go home?

-Right.

-Because it's not tonight.

The other me, the dead me, he had a beard.

Oh, I see. Little beard.

A tenner says something happens when you go in.

Another bet? What trick have you got up your sleeve, Petey?

This is great.

Come on. Let's all go.

No chance. I'm staying right here.

Well, get my money ready.

-Come on.

-Are we going to go in? Ah, brilliant.

Are those two dead?

What? What do you mean?

Are those two dead?

Oh. No, not yet.

-Whaa!

-Pack it in!

Hello, Petey.

-Change your mind?

-No. Just going to watch from here.

Eurgh! It certainly smells like someone died.

Shit, shit, shit! What the fuck are you doing?

If you've got anything planned, you're going to get it, too.

-I haven't got anything planned. Will you let me out?

-Nope.

Oh, shit. I'm in again. Oh, shit!

Ray, check the loos.

-What?

-He's probably got some bloke in a Scream mask.

Or something even more brilliant.

Ooh! It really does stink in here.

-You might as well just pay me now.

-Oh, it's like a dung-y, zoo-y kind of...

It's Pete's bullshit you can smell.

Listen!

This isn't a wind-up.

Do you really want to see the future?

-I'd love to.

-OK.

You've got to do exactly what I did.

What do you mean?

# If you'll only hold me tight

-# We'll be holding on for ever... #

-I can't believe I'm doing this.

I feel like I'm doing the conga at a really shit party.

# Cos we'll never be wrong... #

-Is this really necessary?

-I don't know, it might be...

-Don't look! I can't do it if you're looking.

-I wasn't looking.

# Together we can make it to the end of the line

# Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time. #

Right, hold on.

-For what?

-There must be easier ways of making money.

It's a science experiment.

Mm-hm.

Now, hold on tight for this bit.

# I don't know what to do I'm always in the dark

# We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks. #

Here's an idea. Instead of a time machine that runs on karaoke

and urine, maybe they could have one with a dial on, you know?

With dates on it?

-Something crazy like that.

-# I really need you tonight... #

-Oh, God!

-# For ever's going to start tonight

# For ever's going to start tonight

# Once upon a time I was falling in love

# Now I'm only falling apart. #

Pete, do you really do this every time you take a piss?

Tenner says something happens.

Yeah, but it's got to be something definite,

like, say, a pub full of dead people.

-Not just some bollocks weirdy feeling.

-OK.

# Nothing I can say

# A total eclipse...

# Of the heart. #

-What's that I can hear?

-Wait.

Oh, come on. What are they, the talking dead?

Oh, my God! Everyone's still alive!

I don't know what happened out there, but I feel dirty.

-I'm going to get some peanuts now.

-Pay up.

-Didn't shake hands.

What?! What are you, 12?

I swear to you, I saw myself right here.

< Story is king.

< Always has been, always will be.

< This is eating into our drinking time.

Oh! Hi.

-Someone's got our seats, Ray.

-Have they? Our stuff's over there.

-Yeah. They looked familiar, didn't they, Pete?

-Just a bit.

There's spare seats in the snug.

That's not really the problem, Ray.

-What is the problem?

-I think you'd better go and have a look.

< Shall we move on to the Middle East?

-Pen's running out.

-Always the way.

-COUGHS:

-Nerds!

-Hey!

Didn't we all agree to stop using the N word? Didn't we?

Nerd is the word they use to keep us down.

You should use the term imagineer.

Shall we get the fuck out of here?

So, what do we do now?

-What?

-This is your thing.

-This is not my thing.

My thing is reading books about this shit, not actually being in it.

What about the rules? There's always rules, isn't there?

-Yeah, but it depends who you read.

-Well, even I know some rules.

-Like what?

-Like you can't tread on any butterflies.

-What?!

Not just butterflies, anything.

You can't kill anything in the past because it wipes out all its descendants in the future

and you could end up wiping out the whole human race.

Don't sleep with anyone. It always ends up being your mum or gran.

-That's just sick!

-Ray, it's still tonight - we haven't gone back to the Blitz.

-You asked for rules, I'm giving you rules.

-OK. Don't kill anything, don't fuck anything.

-What else?

-Don't touch yourself.

-To be honest with you, Ray, my mind's on other things right now.

No. I mean, don't touch the other us.

We can't bump into or speak to the earlier us.

Why? Couldn't we just warn them not to go into the bog?

-No, we can't do that because that would cause a paradox.

-A what?!

If they don't go into the bogs, then they don't go back in time,

and if that doesn't happen then we cease to exist.

-It's a variant on the grandfather paradox.

-Fucking hate sci-fi.

-Science fiction.

-So, do we go back in the toilets?

No! That could take us anywhere.

But last time it took him back to where we started, didn't it?

Yeah, but it also took me to a room full of dead bodies.

-He's right, it's not predictable.

-So where does that leave us, Ray?

I think I've got an idea.

Hiding in a cupboard?

-Yeah.

-And that's going to stop me being dead?

Look, it's simple. We wait for the earlier us to go into the loos

and disappear into the past.

How long do you think that's going to be?

-About another half an hour.

-Oh, you're joking.

My neck's killing me already.

Ow, ow.

Hot!

-Bugger. Ow!

-Can I sit down?

I don't know. Can you?

Oh!

No pulling!

Ooh, I think I found a light.

-Maybe leave the light off.

-Yeah.

Yeah.

Anyone want a peanut?

No.

I really thought time travel would be a bit more thrilling than this.

Mm. I know what you mean.

Oh. Oh, no, wait a minute.

-Oh, my God!

-What?

-We're half an hour in the past. She's still here.

-Oh!

Have they paid you yet? I could get you a tip.

Not in a stripper kind of way, because obviously you're not a stripper.

But you'd make a good one. You'd make a fine one.

I'm sure you'd look great naked.

Wait a minute. What's this?

I can feel a fir tree through here.

There's... There's a whole other world back here

with snow and thorns and talking lions!

Is there?

No.

Dick.

I love Narnia.

Bye, Ray.

Cassie! Cassie!

Ray, I really have to go.

Oh, no, no, no! You think I'm him? I'm not him.

I mean, obviously, I am.

Cassie, we really need your help.

First of all, I now believe you are a time traveller.

Sorry about doubting you there,

-and sorry about the whole stripper, space woman thing.

-OK.

And second of all, I think we found your time leak. It's in the gents.

Oh, oh, very good. Very good.

So the leak is, er...?

In a toilet. Yes, yes! It seems the universe has a sense of humour.

And it's very funny, and quick, too.

You don't believe me.

-Touche.

-Oh, no. No, no!

This is for real, OK? Pete saw dead bodies in the pub.

OK, well, I've got to go climb back into my spaceship and disappear.

Look, why else would I have two men in this cupboard?

I'll see you around, future boy.

Wait, Cassie! Cassie!

I think it's time we had another little chat.

So you're sure we're OK out here?

Yes, we're fine. No-one's due out in the garden for another 23 minutes.

OK. Good.

Um...

So this is a bit of a new look for you.

-Do you like it?

-Yes.

I mean, you know, it's very nice.

-Very quick, too.

-Well, not from my point of view.

It actually took quite a bit of time to sort all this out.

-Oh, yeah? How long?

-Six months.

So you just went through the door,

went into the future for six months and then came back out...

One second after I left you.

Wow!

Oh, thank you.

So, it's, erm...

It's all sorted, then, with the time leak and dead bodies?

-Yep. All sorted.

-Are you sure?

Ray, I didn't spend the last six months just dyeing my hair.

I'm a professional.

So what was all this about, then?

-I'm sorry, I can't tell you.

-What? Why not?

Because that knowledge is anachronous to your time period.

That sounded like you really knew what you were talking about.

I know, I know! It's great, isn't it?

I did what you told me and started saying everything with confidence,

even if I don't have a clue.

It's just had an amazing effect. I even got a promotion.

Really? You got a promotion?

Well, I got off probation.

Mmm. That's pretty much the same.

Yeah.

And what did you reckon to me avoiding that paradox in there?

Ray, you hid in a cupboard.

I thought I did well under the circumstances.

I mean, sure, I don't have a manual to ignore.

Will you stop it with the manual?

So, how do we get back to the right time?

Well, er... we're nearly there, anyway.

-So we just wait?

-Yeah.

In the cupboard?

I'm afraid so.

No glowing portal?

No vortex? No big starship?

-Just sit and wait in the cupboard?

-Yeah.

Not exactly the glamour that I had expected from time travel.

I did warn you.

Any chance I could wait out here with you?

-Why?

-Just, erm, because...

It's better than wedging myself in a cupboard with two very sweaty men.

Not a good thing.

No. No, I imagine not.

So, we'll just hang out here for a while.

Yeah. That'd be nice.

DOOR OPENS

I thought you said we had 20 minutes.

Yeah. Oh, it's...

..not a problem.

Uh, I'm just going to go check that out

and maybe you should get back in that cupboard.

But everything's going to be OK?

Ray, relax. I told you, I'm a professional.

Well, they do say that things taste better outside.

Thank God.

Things taste better outside...

Twat!

-THEY YELL IN THE MEN'S TOILET

-Hang on.

Pack it in. >

This is it.

Hello, Petey. Change your mind?

No. Just going to watch from here.

Shit, shit, shit! What the fuck are you doing?

-Where are you going?

-I need a piss.

-You can't go in there!

-You said your woman fixed it.

I'm sure she has, but the other us might still be in there.

Oh, my...! Just go to the ladies'.

Ladies'?

-I'm confused.

-You're pissing in the ladies', of course you're confused.

So, the other versions of us...

-Have gone back in time and become us.

-Oh, you see?

You say that like it makes sense.

To me it's just crazy talk.

I quite like it in the ladies'.

I'm so confused.

Look, Pete, don't worry about it.

All you need to know is that we're back in the right time

and everything is going to be OK.

Did you get that girl's number, Ray?

-Oh, shit.

-You said she'd fixed it.

She said she had.

Maybe she didn't expect us to go into the ladies'.

And we didn't do that conga thing.

Yeah, maybe that wasn't vital.

-Oh, fuck this, lads.

-No, Pete, wait!

-Oh!

-Maybe he's got the right idea.

-Yeah, maybe.

Don't go in!

Oh! Oh, thank God!

It's so good to see you again.

At last!

-What the hell happened to you?

-I don't want to talk about it.

Let's never speak of this again.

Er, Pete, have you got shit on you?

Yeah!

-They won't attack you if you wear their scent.

-Who won't?

I don't want to talk about it.

-Ray?

-Yeah?

-What shall we do now?

-Don't know.

-Shall we go back into the toilets?

-Yeah.

-No!

It's not safe. We need weapons and food.

What the hell did happen to you?

I really don't want to talk about it.

All I will say is that weapons and food

would be a really good idea.

Eugh!

Maybe we'll have a look around for weapons and food first.

Yeah. Sounds like a plan.

What do you think happened?

-You're a little bit excited, aren't you?

-A little bit!

Come on, it's the future!

I've always wanted to go there.

Not alone any more. No more running. No more hiding. No more bad dreams.

You know, for someone who really doesn't want to talk about it,

he can be quite chatty, can't he?

Weapons and food. That's what we need.

Crisp, anyone?

Have you checked the sell-by date on those?

May...

2094.

How do they taste?

Off.

So, whose round is it?

-Ah.

-Er.

Guys...

I think I've seen us.

-What?

-One time I bumped into three guys who were dressed like this.

Like we are now.

Only I didn't recognise us.

-Us? In the future?

-Must have been.

But we've only just put these on.

It's time travel. Shit like that happens.

Did we look well?

Yeah, I suppose so.

Too busy running in the other direction to notice.

Come on. Let's get back to the toilets.

Whoa, whoa! What?

But we've only just got here.

I think we've all got the idea, haven't we? The future's broken.

We have to have a little look around. I mean, how can we not?

-Are you serious?

-Have you actually looked out there?

This might just be a bad area.

In a bad area, all right, windows get put through, kids drink on corners. That is the end of the fucking world!

Ray, don't you want to go home?

Of course I do.

Just, you know, in a little while.

The way home isn't out there, it's in there,

and I want to go home. I really do, and every time I go in and come out,

I pray I'll be in the right time.

One day I will be.

Pete, exactly how long have you been doing this?

Long enough to know it's better to hunt in packs...

-That doesn't sound good.

-So they can't attack from behind.

-Or that.

Let's just sit down, all right,

in the warm and wait...for rescue, OK?

Rescue? No-one knows we're here. At least out there,

there might be someone who can help us.

-Like who?

-I don't know. Like...

Oh, like friendly future people with huge heads.

You're living in a dream world, both of you!

I'm going to go and get a bit of wood.

Thanks, Pete.

Not for the fire. I'm going to turn this into a spear.

And when I get back, you two,

you'd better be ready to go cos I'm not going alone again.

-What's up with you?

-What?

How many times have we talked about seeing the future, Tobe?

I'm not going out there. Those look like the sort of streets

monsters run down.

Besides, I haven't really got the right shoes on for the rubble.

There's always something, with you, Tobe, isn't there?

"Oh, I couldn't send my script out, the margins were too wide.

"I couldn't go to that job interview, there was a spot on my elbow.

"I can't go exploring, it's the end of the world!"

That last one's actually quite a good one.

No, it's fine. You just...

You just wait there.

For rescue.

And you call yourself an imagineer?

Ray? Ray?

Toby!

-Pete!

-What's going on? Are you OK?

Is everything all right out here?

Oh, my God.

What does it mean, Ray? What does it mean?

-It's us.

-Do you think?

Your woman said you'd get famous, right?

-Well, maybe we ALL do.

-What for?

I don't know. Maybe we form a band.

Can anybody play anything?

Maybe we learn.

And maybe it's not a band.

Do you think they did it from photos, or do you think we posed?

We're dressed as we are now.

Yeah, that's a head-fuck.

-Whoa! What was that?

-What was what?

-A noise.

-There is no noise.

Pete?

-CREAKING

-Shit. What the fuck was that?

Sounded like mandibles.

-What?

-It's what insects eat with.

-I know what mandibles are.

-Big insects.

-There was another sound, like a moaning sound.

Big, moaning insects.

-Back to the toilets.

-No, wait.

-We don't know that for sure.

-It needn't be insects. It could be, um, anything.

Right. It could be my big friendly future people.

You know, with their spindly bodies and their huge hands.

I think we got a little bit spooked over nothing.

Shh! Things can come in here as well you know.

-Things? What kind of things?

-Sshh.

-No, I will not sshhh! You are freaking me out!

-Toby, leave him alone.

No, no, Ray. Look at him. He's covered in shit and scared shitless.

Don't you think it'd be handy to know what did that?

Aren't you just a little curious about how come he's...

Sshh!

One time I came in here

and went out through that door

and I fell. It must have been when the ground level was different.

40 feet different.

I landed in a wood.

I couldn't tell you what time I was in.

If it was the past, our fossil records are far from complete.

-But I wasn't the first to fall.

-You met other people?

I didn't say they were alive.

There was things in that wood

that only came out at night.

The breathing.

The noises.

The screams.

SCREAMING

-Pack it in!

-Change your mind?

Shit, shit, shit! What the fuck are you doing?

If you've anything planned, you're going to get it, too. It's us!

I haven't got anything planned.

-We can warn ourselves.

-If we do, then we cease to exist.

Exactly.

Ray, check the loos.

He's probably got some bloke in a Scream mask.

Not a fucking sound.

-Oh. Really does stink in here.

-You might as well just pay me now.

It's like a dung-y, zoo-y...

It's Pete's bullshit you can smell.

Listen! This isn't a wind-up.

Do you really want to see the future?

-I'd love to.

-You've got to do exactly what I did.

What do you mean?

# A total eclipse...

# Of the heart. #

They've gone.

Oh, that's just great!

That's just fucking great!

I could have saved myself. Saved us!

Pete, we'll cease to exist!

Yeah, well, I don't care! If I get the chance to warn myself again,

I'm going to do it and to hell with anyone who tries to stop me.

Oh, shit!

-I was wondering when that would happen.

-Wait!

Pete, no!

-What is this?

-OK, Ray. Keep it together.

What would Miss Marple do? What would Miss Marple do?

There's hundreds of us.

How can there be hundreds of us?

Did Pete touch himself? Is this what happens when you do a big paradox?

They aren't us, Tobe.

-They're only dressed like us.

-Ah, well, that's all right, then.

Now it makes complete sense(!)

OK, what we need to do now is find Pete and get the hell out of here.

MUSIC: "The Land Of Make Believe" by Bucks Fizz

Tobe? I think I know why everyone is dressed like us.

-Why?

-It's a theme night.

A fan theme night, based around us.

Come on! That's a bit of a stretch, isn't it? What makes you think that?

Big sign just over there.

Fans...of us.

-Do you think we're here?

-What?

-The famous future us.

-Oh, my God.

I hope not.

Yes, it is me! Hello!

-What the hell are you doing?

-Chill out, Ray. These are my people!

No, they're not, and this isn't even our time!

Can't we just soak up a bit of a laugh?

No, we can't.

Now, this is what I call a future.

Well, tough,

because we are just here to find Pete and get the hell out of here.

So you just stay where I can see you.

Guys? Is it the real you?

-It's the real us.

-Oh!

Did you touch yourself?

No, but I think I've broken time.

-The whole world is full of us!

-You haven't broken time...

-Yes, Pete.

What you did was very, very dangerous.

I want you to promise me that you will never do it again.

-No.

-What's that?

Someone slapped it on me.

He's won the Pete look-alike competition.

Well, he does look a lot like him.

You do. I wonder if they did one for me?

-OK, let's go.

-Oh, guys.

What?

Look.

Oh!

Look at the table.

I'm writing.

I'm Jesus and I'm writing.

It's that letter thing to Hollywood.

This isn't my fault as well, is it?

When I broke time.

This is probably something else, Pete.

Are you sure it's that letter?

It's blank in the painting, but I left it on that table.

It has to be that.

Someone does a painting of us because we slag off some films?

Of course it sounds stupid if you put it like that.

-You ripped that page out of your little book, right?

-Yeah.

-And?

-Was there anything on the back?

-Might've been.

-Might have been?

Shut up. I'm just trying to think.

You know, every time I come up with a genius idea,

or one of you says something stupid, I put it in there.

God, it could be anything.

-It doesn't matter what it is, does it?

-What do you mean?

Well, you don't do paintings of nobodies.

Whatever I wrote, it turned us into somebodies.

I think it is safe to say, we are rich and we are famous!

Then, why aren't we smiling?

I don't know. Maybe the artist wasn't very good at teeth.

-Maybe it's a memorial?

-Oh!

Drop it with the bodies.

His woman said she'd fixed it.

Oh, yeah. She said she'd fixed the time leak and I end up getting chased about by monsters.

If Cassie said that we are safe, then we are safe. I trust her.

-Are you sure?

-Yes.

Sure.

-Let's go.

-Whoa! Slow down!

Got to finish this drink.

Where did you get that?

Some waiter guy. It's a free bar.

-Would you like to stock up on the buffet while we're here(?)

-There's a buffet?!

Hey, guys. The cavalry's here.

-Cassie says hello.

-You know Cassie?

I trained her. Sergeant Porter, Causal Adjust.

But you can call me Millie. Hi!

-I'm here to get you home.

-Oh, hello, Millie!

-Hi!

-We have been looking for you guys everywhere!

-Oh, so are we safe?

We don't get killed?

Oh, well, officially I can't comment, but unofficially everything's sorted.

But I still get rich and famous, right?

Officially I cannot comment but, unofficially, you get your own island.

Yes!

-So how the hell do we get out of here?

-Leave that to me.

-OK.

OK. Come on.

OK, a little bit weird but, erm, it turns out everybody in the future is American.

Come on.

-I thought she'd do something more than tell us to get back in the bogs.

-Yeah.

-Me, too.

-So, are we back?

We're back!

Yeah, but at what time of night exactly?

-We can't slag off sequels. There have been some really good sequels.

-Like?

Like, er...

Mad Max II, Godfather II.

Yeah, well, for every good one there are...

I wish they'd hurry up and bugger off.

-It's going to be a little while.

-Look at us. Not a care in the world.

They have no idea what's in store.

Yeah. We look so happy.

OK, ladies. Um, we know they stay there for a while.

I think it's worth the risk.

-Going to get some peanuts.

-Didn't shake hands.

What? What are you, 12?

I swear to you, I saw myself right here.

Where are my crisps? I'm starving.

The bar was a little busy.

Maybe later.

Well, get my money ready.

Are we going to go in? Brilliant!

-Am I really that fat?

-Well, they say that time travel adds 20lb.

And you've travelled a lot.

-Are those two dead?

-What?

What do you mean?

-Are those two dead?

-Oh, no, not yet.

Finally.

-Are we ready, children?

-Come on.

Get on with it!

ALL: Ah!

-Well, I never!

-It's nuts.

I never would've thought it was that.

So, do we just leave it here?

Yeah. Yeah, I assume someone just finds it and it all goes from there.

I think, er... I think I feel good about it.

You feel good about it, Tobe?

It was my idea.

-My idea.

-Our idea.

You might have come up with the seed, but I watered it.

Yes, but without our seed you have nothing.

Yeah, you got mud.

-All right. You can have a little bit of my island.

-Screw that!

I don't want to live on your island.

Fine by me.

I need a piss.

Yes, I'll go outside.

And don't touch yourself.

Oh-ho.

Yeah. Good times.

I want my own island.

-Hi!

-Hi!

I was, er, hoping you'd come back.

Obviously not at that precise moment, but, erm, hey.

So, how long has it been for you since we were last...?

Oh, another six months.

I got a promotion.

-Oh.

-This time it's for real.

Yeah, it was for sorting all this out, so...

-You want to ask me if I read the whole manual.

-Thought never even crossed my mind.

Well, Ray, I am rewriting the manual.

Good for you.

So, erm, you have a nice night tonight?

Oh, you know, just a quiet drink with the boys in the pub. Very dull.

-I did meet this one girl, though.

-Really?

-She said she was from the future.

-What was she like?

-She was just...

-..awful.

-Oh!

-Oh, no, she was great.

She was great.

You know, I'd never thought I'd say it but...

it's good to be back in the present.

I don't know. All this fuss over half an hour.

What?! What are you talking about?

We went years in the future.

-Decades.

-Oh? That's very funny.

Cassie, I'm deadly serious.

We went into the ladies' through another time leak.

It brought us to this pub, but in the future, way into the future.

You were searching for us. Millie and you. Causal Adjust.

-Ray, Causal Adjust is another name for the Editors.

-The who?

I told you about them. They kill people at their finest hour.

-Millie's an Editor, Ray.

-Oh, shit!

But she brought us back here. Why would she do that?

Why do you think? To kill you!

Oh, no!

-What do we do?

-OK, well, I'm going to go get help and you just stay put.

I've got to warn the boys!

-Ray, it's not safe in there!

-I can't just leave them, Cassie!

Look, you bring help and I'll, er,

-do what I can.

-Ray!

Please be careful.

-Guys, we're screwed.

-What?

-Millie is an Editor.

-A what?

An Editor. Remember, they kill people in their finest hour?

Like Kevin Costner? And I think that this...this was ours.

Come on. Let's get out of here.

No, no, no. Wait. There's no point.

There's no point, they'll only find us. Some other time, some other place.

-What do we do, Ray?

-That's odd.

I can't get a signal.

-We burn this.

-What?

-We burn this, we change history.

Without this they have no reason to kill us.

-You don't know for sure if we're in danger.

-Cassie said...

-I don't care what she said!

-Tobe, I saw this place full of bodies.

Ray, just think about what you're throwing away, all right?

-If you burn that, we don't get rich, we don't get famous.

-We don't get dead!

Look, I've come up with a lot of ideas, a lot of shit ideas.

-Tobe!

-I know you laugh at them but...

I don't mind, because I thought, you know, if I keep going then...

one day I'd come up with something good.

But what if this is it? The one idea that makes it for me?

My one chance...

Don't burn it, Ray.

It's not even your idea. I say we burn it.

Well, you fucking would! You've always hated my ideas!

-It's not even your idea!

-Guys, guys! OK, guys.

We don't have time for this!

Just, Pete, give me the lighter.

-Pete, what's up with this?

-Two months in a wood trying

to stay alive, that's what's up with the lighter.

OK. You keep trying.

I'm going to get some matches.

-Give me a go.

-No.

-Give me a go. I'll be fine, just give me a go.

Excuse me...

-Hi.

-Hey! What's happening?

-We're on our own. I'm offline.

-What do you mean?

-My time machine inside me, it's blocked.

-Give me the letter.

-Just give it me.

-No way.

Give me the fucking letter, Pete!

Not a chance!

And so you deny me three times. That's why you were in the painting!

-You're Judas!

-Excuse me!

All I want is a box of matches.

What's your point?

In the Bible, it's Peter who denies Jesus three times.

You fat twat!

Hey! That's enough, lads! Time in the bar!

Get off me, you bell-end!

This is it.

Hi!

I have seen the original before, of course,

but in a museum, so to be here tonight with the creators on the night it all began...

is just such a rush.

But I am sorry to say, tonight is as good as it gets.

You don't change or add to culture in any meaningful way.

This is what you're always going to be remembered for,

so why not go out with a bang rather than fade away?

Get away from him, you bitch!

Hello! I'm sorry.

I'm pointing a rather large gun at you!

Er, yeah, which you got from when, exactly?

Centuries beyond your time.

So, what is it?

What is it?

I'll tell you... I'll tell you what it is.

It's a Mark IV Corbomite Assault Staff.

The Planetary Peace Corp's best friend.

It'll work in an absolute vacuum and in absolute zero. Cold fusion battery, good for 50 years.

It fires homing plasma orbs that will cut through titanium plate four inches thick.

Really?

Well...

You didn't, like,

-mention its range.

-I'd hit you from here.

Now get off the big guy.

Millie, I know what you're trying to do.

The future generations leading from this room that wouldn't be born.

Chaos Theory on a massive scale... Oh! Oh!

Cassie?

-Cassie?

-Right, that's it!

I'm calling the police.

SCREAMING

Oh, stop it. Fucking stop it!

-Everybody freeze! Ain't nobody going nowhere!

-Hey! Drop your weapons!

You see any weapons, Ray?

See, my time machine has a built-in armament system.

So, to drop my weapons would require about...

yeah, 12 hours of surgery.

You know what? I think we're going to have a little stand-off here today.

Oh...unless, of course, you're bluffing.

Unless, of course, that is a plastic toy gun you made for work, Ray.

Oh, poo!

That's a nice try.

I messed up, Ray.

-I'm sorry.

-Don't worry about it.

All in all, it's been a pretty good day.

I travelled through time. I met you.

You know what?

I am sensing a little bit of resistance to this whole immortality deal I am offering here.

Toby, all you have to do is destroy that little piece of paper

and you get to live to write another day in your book of bad ideas and your dead-end job.

Wow! Or you could give it to me

and I'll turn you all into legends.

What do you say?

Come on, Tobe.

I just need a little time to think.

-What is there to think about? She's going to fucking kill us!

-It's not that simple.

Now, this is his choice and his alone.

MUSIC: "The Land Of Make Believe" by Bucks Fizz

Oh, no! The song!

-This fucking song!

-If there was one thing I could change about this

situation, it would not be the song on the fucking jukebox!

Time's up.

Now, what's it going to be?

Toby...

(Fuck you!) CHUCK IT!

No-o-o-o-o-o-o!

Wow!

-Did you do that?

-Yep.

With my pint?

Were we just dead?

Yeah.

But now we're not.

-No.

-So, what happened exactly?

-I knocked a pint onto this...

MY pint, MY pint.

I knocked Pete's pint onto this, so no-one could read it.

So the future then changed because we didn't become famous,

so the Editors didn't send anybody to kill us.

Wow.

-I think you got that wrong.

-Why?

Pete downed his pint, didn't he?

So, that was probably MY pint.

Jesus! Could we focus on the "us being alive again" thing?

-Well, yeah, obviously. Well done, Ray.

-Is that it?

Is it all over?

-We're all OK?

-Yeah, I think so.

Wow.

I've gone off this pub a little bit.

-Shall we go down The King's Head?

-Why not?

So, everything that happened...

Couldn't happen. Didn't happen.

Including me meeting Cassie.

Yeah.

Come on, let's go.

I swear I will never use a pub toilet again. It's too dangerous.

-And that's all you're taking away from this evening?

-No!

So, we're definitely safe now, yeah?

-I suppose.

-Suppose?! You're the nerds.

-Can't you work it out?

-Well, yeah.

Time resets, so the pub was never full of dead people.

So, you owe me a tenner. Come on.

OK, then, if time reset, the bet never happened.

Well, I did only say suppose.

-It's Cassie!

-Ray! Oh, thank God you're alive!

Oh!

So, you remember me, then?

Of course I remember you.

-We've been going out for two years.

-We've what?! Really? Two years?

-Yeah.

-That's, er, wow! Oh, er...

Right, this is Pete and Tobe.

-Hiya.

-Hello.

This is Cassie.

She's my girlfriend.

Ray, listen, when you knocked that pint over,

you created a feedback loop through the fabric of space-time.

-The repercussions have been enormous. Leaks everywhere.

-Whoa!

Two years, huh? Wow!

So, we must have... Have we had any of the, er...?

Hm?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Unless, of course, you mean sex, which yeah, we've done that lots.

Lots!

Was I any good?

Ray, I love you, but we only have 14 hours to save the Earth!

-You have to come with me now!

-Oh, OK.

Yeah. Good luck with that, guys.

Yeah. We'll be in The King's Head.

What? You guys have to come, too.

I think I've done enough time travel for one night, thanks.

It's not time travel. It's a parallel universe.

-Parallel universe?!

-Let's go. The portal's closing!

What the fuck's a portal?

-Come on!

-Look, why don't you two go?

Someone should stay and look after the coats and the bags.

-Besides, I thought I might go for your job on the Star Ride.

-I was going to apply for that!

-I said it first!

-Guys, guys! Listen to yourselves! Look!

This is our one chance to do something important.

Yeah, we might fuck it up. To be honest, we probably will.

OK, we definitely will, but...

Who's with me?

Please?

As long as we're back for last orders.

There's my imagineers.

OK. Let's do this.

One...two...

I fucking hate sci-fi!

Science fiction. Three!

# It's the final countdown

# The final countdown

# We're leaving together

# But still it's farewell

# And maybe we'll come back

# To earth, who can tell? #

-Have we gone?

-I suppose.

All right. Come on, Tobe. It's over.

Bollocks!

# It's the final countdown

# The final countdown

# We're heading for Venus

# And still we stand tall

# Cos maybe they've seen us

# And welcome us all, yeah

# With so many light years to go

# And things to be found

# And things to be found

# I'm sure that we'll all miss her so... #

You freak!

Help me!

HE PANTS

Toby! Wait!

This is all getting a little bit too complicated.

Get back, freak!

Help me!

Toby!

Wait!

Don't be frightened! It's me! Toby!

This is all getting a little bit too complicated.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd