In Search of a Midnight Kiss

This film contains very strong language.

# I feel it happening

# My heart's giving in

# There's nothing wrong with me... #

The midnight kiss.

It's not just another kiss.

It's all the hope of romance of the year culminating in just one moment.

And that overhyped kiss in which there is so much calling, texting, IM-ing, planning, hurrying,

drinking to make happen is all set at a moment when time itself takes centre stage, when you can palpably

feel the weight of the year to come mixed with the loneliness and missed opportunities of the years gone by.

For years, I used to work at a video store, and on New Year's I would always deal

with what I thought were my people - those brokenhearted souls that hated the whole pageantry of the night,

the ones who wanted to quietly and privately wallow in their own self-pity, getting drunk

on the fictional romance and heartbreak of others.

That was me, the lonely hunker-down type, waiting for the night to blow over.

But sometimes you're so low you can no longer follow that routine any more.

# I feel it happening

# My heart's giving in

# There's nothing wrong with me

# Can't wait to begin

# Your love surrounds me... #

Oh, Jeez, I'm sorry.

-Oh, God! Oh, man! I didn't know you guys were here, man!

-It's all right.

-I thought you guys were at Min's house.

-Yeah, we got home early.

Ah, don't worry about it. It's OK, man.

-I'm really embarrassed.

-Don't be. Everybody jerks off. It's natural.

I had no idea you guys were even here.

We just got home before. Don't even worry about it, man.

You know?

Hey, what the fuck is this?

It's...

-Is that Min?

-No, it's nothing. It's nothing.

I'll explain that in a second. Just don't go in there, Jacob.

-It looks just like her.

-No, it's not.

-Well, what is this?

-I'll explain in a second, all right?

Hey, Min?

Min, get in here, OK?

-No, no, no, no, no, come on. Jacob...

-Is that you?

God, no! Jacob!

-Oh, man!

-Is that you?

-No!

-What do you mean, that's not you? That's definitely you!

That is not you? You're telling me that's not you? Are you sure that's not you?

No, it's not!

-Positive?

-It's not me!

Just give it to me straight.

That's you? What happened? It doesn't matter.

ARGUMENT CONTINUES

# I'll take a trip on a slow boat through paradise with you. #

I'm a worthless piece of shit that should just die and not be buried.

I mean, I can't even get a job in this town.

-You just need to get laid.

-I'm trying!

-You're trying?

What, are you hitting on the fucking girl at the grocery store when you buy your tub of Chunky Monkey?

You don't see it. I mean, I put myself out there...

All you've done is sit around, eat your ice cream and fucking smoke bongloads

You haven't even looked for work, man.

Look, if you just want to sit there and stare out the window with your beer and smoke your cigarette,

that's fine, and jack off to pictures of my girlfriend on New Year's Eve, just be my guest.

Jacob, leave him alone. I thought it was sweet.

You thought it was sweet that he was jacking off to pictures of you?

I thought it was really flattering.

You are the cutest thing in the world! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, what is this?

We could give him some more material, you know?

Well, I'm going to go check my e-mail.

-Dude, quit!

-OK...

It's just the whole world that I find depressing right now, you know?

Just the wars and the lies and Columbine and George Bush...

Columbine was ten years ago!

I'm just saying, there's so much hatred and just violence out there.

Look, if you really want to meet somebody that's pretty and cool and interesting, you can do that.

All you got to do, my friend, is put an ad up on the Craigslist.

I don't know, man. The whole online dating thing, I think it's a little bit too...

-pathetic for me.

-It's not pathetic. I mean, everybody does it. I have a MySpace page, Facebook.

-Min does, too. Everybody does.

-That's different than Craigslist.

Look, you don't have time to do MySpace. Craigslist is the only way.

Look at it as research into the world. You haven't written anything since you've been here.

Here, check this out.

Look at all these lonely people. All these women are online right now.

If you go to a bar, nobody's even going to talk to you.

They're won't look at you. You have to message them, you have to say,

"Hey, yeah, I'll send you a message," in order for them to trust you.

Listen, if you don't do that, it's just going to be weird and creepy.

Hey, Min, don't you think he should do it?

Yeah, yeah, absolutely! You should do it before it's too late.

Just type it.

Just write the damn thing.

This is humiliating.

Misanthrope seeks misanthrope.

If you respond to this ad, you're probably not the kind of woman I'd go out with.

I guess I'm lonely and it's New Year's and I'm willing to embarrass the hell out of myself with this ad.

My girlfriends have over the years been intelligent and beautiful.

In the end they've all broken my heart, whatever that means. My friend says I need a photo, so here it is.

-Talk soon. Wilson.

-Well, yeah, that's good. Very clever. Sounds really good.

OK, all we have to do now is put up a photo and put your number in.

Put our home phone number on there. I don't want my cell phone ringing off the hook.

-I can't believe we're doing this. We're inviting total insanity into our house.

-That's good, man!

You're not going to find it sitting around the apartment.

We're going to get robbed. I'm going to get raped.

All right, look, it's all up on the World Wide Web now, all right?

Now it's time to see if you're really hot or not.

Your phone is going to be ringing off the hook. You're going to have14-year-olds calling you,

you're going to have grandmas calling you. Better be excited about this one.

'There's no way I could have understood their pain.

'And when I see that, you know, I just want to do something.'

-Totally.

-HE COUGHS

'Are you smoking pot?'

Yes.

'While you're talking to your mother on the phone?'

Look, Mom, you're just talking and talking. I just figured... Oh, hey, Mom, thank you so much.

I got the package. It came yesterday.

'Are you sure this is what you want?'

Yes, absolutely. I love it.

God, you two are so lucky to have each other. I mean, I just miss that sort of comfort and connection.

Like Karen and I. We worked at the same restaurant,

and we'd sometimes leave early and go to the McDonald's drive-through,

and we'd just sit there, eating and just sitting there,

sharing that moment, y'know, just being there with one another.

Yeah.

It seems like yesterday we were back in Texas.

So much has happened over these three months, unfortunately all bad for me.

LA has been a disaster.

The day after we broke up, on my drive out here, I flipped my car.

The tread on the tyre separated and I lost control. The photo is attached.

It was surreal. There I was, standing in the middle of I-10 with everything I own

flung across the freeway in the middle of Arizona, you were on the opposite side of the world,

all my close friends were 16 hours to the east and I was to move to a place I'd loathed my whole life,

LA. And I'd arrive there without a car.

The script that we all thought would sell has been delayed

after my laptop was stolen one night during a walk with my sister.

'Someone biked by and took my computer.

'I stupidly left it in my nephew's stroller a few feet away from me.'

BOY LAUGHS That's funny, right?

Since then, I've been in a total daze and bordering on suicide.

I probably would have done it if the bathtub here wasn't so filthy.

I don't know what I'm doing here in LA.

I miss you more than I could possibly imagine. Just hearing your voice would melt all my anxiety,

as I would know that there's someone out there that still cares whether I live or die.

Karen, hope you're feeling well. Happy New Year.

Looks like my script's going to sell. Finally I can pay off all my debts!

Now who knows what's next? I'd love to hear your voice sometime.

-So, what happened the other day with the woman across the hall?

-She died.

-Oh, gosh.

-She absolutely died.

-You know why? Because she was very old.

-Oh, you know what?

I didn't see her on Willard. She was, what, in her eighties?

But apart from that, she was a bitch. She was a bitch.

Between the running of the water and the showers, the bath, I'm sorry, but it was just insane with her.

-They must have buried a prune!

-That's kind of harsh.

Well, hey, it's the New Year's.

Out with the old, in with the new.

-Oh!

-Happy New Year. And what are you doing for New Year's? Anything interesting?

PHONE RINGS

Oh, shit, it's on now, man.

Hello?

# Happy, happy birthday today

-'# Happy, happy birthday anyway...'

-Who is it?

-'# ..any day'

# Baby boy, baby boy baby boom-boom-boom!#

-Hey, Mom. How's it going? God, you sound like you're at a party or something.

-I am! Hi!

'Oh, I love Florida! God!'

-I have so many friends!

-Glad you're having a good time.

Wilson, I have something very serious to discuss with you.

-What?

-You have to promise. You can't joke or laugh about it.

-I mean, it's hard enough as it is.

-Mom, I'm not going to judge you.

-You promise?

-I promise! Mom, what?!

-I'm getting breast enhancement.

-'At a discount!'

-What?! Why?

Well, Wilson, you said you wouldn't be judgmental.

I'm not judging you!

Y'know, you're a nice woman settling into her old age. You don't need a boob job.

La, la, la, I'm not listening!

'I'm doing it anyway. La, la, la.

Hang on, I got another call.

Hello?

'Hello?'

Are you the misanthrope?

Um, uh, yes.

Are you the misanthropee?

Um, I don't know. I had to look it up.

You know, it sounds pretty intense, but I guess for today that's me, so, um, I'll give you a shot.

But listen, I'm not wasting my New Year's Eve on somebody I don't like.

We'll meet, and within five minutes I'll know if I like you. Where do you want to meet?

Whoa, that seems like a lot of pressure. I don't know if I can handle that.

Yeah? Well, life's full of pressure, y'know? So, is La Poubelle OK with you?

Uh, yeah, it's...

Then I'll see you there at about four o'clock.

Wait, hold on. I don't even know what you look like.

I mean, you've seen a picture of me.

Well, I'm 300lb, I'm into bondage, and I like Hello Kitty.

'God, I'm just kidding! What can you not find out in five minutes?'

No offence, but I'm meeting three other guys before I meet you.

I'm going to figure out which one I like best. OK?

I'm not going to waste my New Year's Eve on some total fuck-up. Do you get what I'm saying?

-Are you going to meet me there at four?

-'OK.'

-OK, great.

-'Wait, wait.'

What will you be wearing?

What? Is this some kind of fucking sex thing?

No! No, no, I'm just going to be sitting there all nervous

and looking at every girl that comes in, and, y'know, it's embarrassing.

Well, too bad, OK? That's your fucking life right now. I can't help you. So, I'll see you at four?

-Will I see you at four?

-OK.

OK, bye.

-I'm sorry about that.

-Who was that?

It was, uh, just a friend.

-A girl?

-Yeah, actually it was.

-What's her name? What's she do?

Mom, it's not at that point. Just let it be, OK?

I mean, honey, you're hedging on thirty.

You'd think you'd be on a serious relationship.

Mom, Mom, Jeez, come on!

-OK? Just drop it.

-Oh, OK.

Y'know, you sound good, honey, you really do.

I mean, I thought maybe when Karen dumped you I'd be worried about you,

-but you sound good!

-Yeah, I've never been happier.

That's my go-get-'em kid! You go get 'em, honey.

Happy New Year, baby.

-I think you look great.

-Really?

-You're going to need a belt, though.

Jacob! Can you grab some belts?

Got the belts! Which one?

-This one.

-OK.

You're looking good, man!

You look great! I like the whole Freddy Krueger look and everything. I love that sweater on you, man.

-I feel like a rodeo clown.

-You're not. Hey, Bui, get in here, man.

Help me with this guy. What do you think of this guy's outfit?

Oh, man! Yeah, you look New York.

Well, I just don't like wearing clothes that I look back in ten years and I feel humiliated.

That's not this outfit. That's nice. That's a classic. That's timeless, man.

-Clothes make the man! You got to feel comfortable.

-I feel good. I mean, the belt's not working.

-Do you have another belt, Jacob?

-I got it. I used to wear this belt.

You just need to come down, buckle my shoe, right there. Yeah!

-You're feeling it. So, this is the outfit, then?

-Yeah.

-All right, good, you're dressed.

-I would totally fuck you.

See? I would fuck you, too. We'd all do an orgy.

She'd fuck you, I'd fuck you.

Would you fuck him?

OK. Yeah! Yeah, I mean...

See? Look, you're looking good. This is like the heartbreaker outfit.

-You'll break hearts in this outfit. You ready to break a heart?

-Yeah, I feel Mr Heartbreaker.

-Now we're talking! There you go. All right, high five?

-High five.

-High five, everybody. High five.

-I'm feeling confident.

Sorry about that, man. I just don't feel confident wearing those clothes.

It's all right, you got to wear what you like. That's how it works.

So, thanks for letting me borrow your car tonight.

-I'll fill it up with gas.

-It's not a problem, it's not a problem.

Do you want to borrow some money? You can buy the girl some flowers.

I don't need to borrow any money from you.

-We used to take baths together when we were ten. You can borrow anything.

-Whoa, we weren't ten,

we were, like, two.

Hey, don't eat her out.

What?! What are you talking about?

We're not in Texas any more. This is LA, man. Girls are dirty here, man.

Just don't eat her out. And wear a condom.

I'm not even thinking about that right now.

Look, I don't want to get some disease because I used the same bar of soap as you

or cos I sat on the toilet with you, y'know?

Just don't do it. Just don't do it.

-Well, I don't have any condoms, so...

-Don't worry about it.

-I got you covered. I brought some for you.

-Whoa! Jeez!

I don't need five!

Actually, I don't need any. I don't like having them on me.

It's too predetermined.

It's reality! It's not predetermined, it's reality.

If it gets to that point, I can just run out and get some.

Jesus Christ, you're acting like you're in seventh grade, man!

We fuck, we suck. We're animals, we're apes.

We stick fucking pieces of plastic in us so that we can come,

we fucking stick each other's dicks in each other's asses.

You don't get upset when they leave toilet paper next to the toilet seat

because they assume you have to wipe your ass, do you?

Well, do you or not, man?

Shit, no, you don't, man!

Girls aren't going to carry those things. Girls don't do that thing.

They feel guilty. They feel like sluts if they carry these things around, so just take 'em.

-I'll take two.

-No, take three.

Sometimes you get tired and you're going to need to slip on one.

That's a big one. That's an extra large. I don't know your size, but it might come in handy.

I haven't seen a condom in six years.

Get used to it, man. I mean, these ladies out there, they are insane.

They are trying to hook a man. We are getting older. They'll poke holes in condoms.

No, I'm serious. Especially the Asian ones, man.

They will fucking poke holes in condoms so they get knocked up,

cos if they get knocked up they get citizenship.

Yellow fever? Wear the fucking life jacket.

That's it. Your nut sack is filled with green cards, all right?

So just be safe and bring your own.

Man, I don't even know if she's good-looking.

I mean, she said she was 300lb and into bondage.

All right, man, here. Just take all five. This is fucking hilarious.

Look, you got to promise me you're going to come to the party tonight. It's important.

Well, I'll try. I don't know what's going to happen in here. I may be tied to the dominatrix's bed post.

Fuck, uh, there's something very, very special that I'm going to do,

and it would mean a lot to me if you were going to be there.

What?

What are you talking about?

All right, don't say anything, but...

..I'm going to propose to Min.

You're serious?

Yeah. I love her. I just figure, y'know, why not get married?

Do you have a ring?

Yeah! Yeah. My mom just sent it yesterday.

This came yesterday. Look at that.

That's the ring of doom.

My father gave that to every one of his five wives, and every one of them ended in divorce.

My mom is the only one that kept it.

And that ring has so much fucking hatred and just anger and aggression

and fucking frustration and just divorce all tied into that. But you know what?

I don't care. My love for Min is so strong that I'm going to beat the McIntyre curse.

That right there is going to become the ring of love.

Man, I'm so happy for you.

I was going to do it this morning, but your little jack-off stunt kinda killed the mood.

You just made the whole thing that much more memorable. It's great.

Oh, that's great(!) Now you're going to tell that story every time somebody asks you how you proposed.

Yeah, man, that's why I love you.

I love you for that.

All right, man.

Good luck. I'm happy for you, man.

-I'm really happy for you. Good luck.

-And you. Good luck.

-I'll see you tonight.

-All righty.

-Hey, uh, I'm just meeting someone here.

-Sure. Two?

-Two, yeah.

-Wherever you like.

OK. And can I get a double espresso?

No problem.

Wilson!

Hey.

You're not that bad. You should've seen the last guy I interviewed.

Said he was an acupuncturist.

Wanted to take me to his house, lights candles and stick fucking pins in me. I fucking hate men!

-I think they're going to end up being so simple, and they're just fucking apes.

-Yeah...

So, uh, how old are you?

What?!

-How old are you?

-Don't you think that's a fucking rude question?

No! I mean, obviously you're extremely attractive.

-What?

-C'mere, c'mere.

Actually, to tell you the truth, I'm 17.

But don't freak out. I'm going to be 18 in eleven months.

I know you probably want to have sex. So do I, but you can still come over.

My mom's room is way down the hall, and my dad goes hunting every weekend.

And to tell you the truth, Wilson,

I don't know if I can wait.

My pussy is so wet right now.

It's going to be too hard.

Oh, my God.

-What?

-You're fucking thinking about statutory rape right now.

-You're a mental statutory rapist. That's fucking great. I'm 27.

-Oh.

You really thought I was 17?

No! I mean, I'm glad that you're not.

-Why, so now you can fuck me?

-What? No!

-Just get a life, OK?

This isn't a "get laid for free" night, OK? Damn it. I think we should pray.

-What? Are you serious?

-Yes! Do you have a problem with that?

-Well, actually, I...

-Shhh!

Close your eyes.

Dear God, whoever you are, please help us find whatever it is we're looking for tonight.

And please let Wilson know that he's not going to get in my pants.

I don't want him to be too heartbroken. In God's name, amen.

Amen.

That felt really good. I haven't prayed in a long time.

-So, are you, like, really religious?

-Uh-uh. I just said that so you wouldn't want to have sex with me.

I can't stand religious guys. They're all so fucking hyper.

Well, maybe God IS watching over us tonight.

So we can find what we're looking for?

What are you looking for?

The love of my life.

On Craigslist?

No. God, no, forget it. I can't even stand any more relationships.

Oh, I have one more interview after you, and actually, I think the guy is here.

-So if you don't mind sitting over there for a second...

-Are you serious?

-Yeah, just go sit over there.

-Don't you think...

-Just go fucking sit!

Hi. You must be Stevie.

Yes, I am. Thanks for meeting me. Mm. Wow, you're really good-looking, I have to say.

Thank you. That's very flattering.

-Mm-hm.

-So tell me, what do you do?

-What's your occupation?

-I run a termite company.

I used to have a restaurant, but the termite company's really good. Really good.

-That's the main thing I do.

-Wow. So, you seem like a really nice guy. Why are you posting ads on Craigslist?

-Don't you think that's a little pathetic?

-It's not something I normally do.

Come on, Stevie, everybody says that.

I mean, uh, I'm divorced, I'm lonely.

It's hard to meet single women.

Y'know, all my friends are married, and I have two kids.

Does that freak you out at all?

-Mm-mm.

-I'm just trying to meet somebody.

-Right, right.

-So, kids. Two of them.

-Yeah.

Mm-hm. Boy-girl? Boy-boy? Girl-girl?

Oh, boy-girl. Jack, he's five.

And Melissa, she's three. And they're just beautiful kids.

Well, um, you see like a really nice guy, Stevie, but to tell you the truth.

I just don't think it's going to work out.

Well, I just drove down here from Irvine.

I mean, for sixty seconds? It was, like, an hour and a half drive.

I mean, we could go out. We could have a really good time. I mean, sure, we could get along.

It'll be fun. I'm a really fun guy.

It's just not going to work out today.

-It was really, really nice meeting you.

-Oh, my God!

-Oh, and have a happy New Year!

-Yeah, happy New Year.

Let's go.

Don't you think you were a little harsh back there?

No. When you have eleven siblings, you know how to just go out there and get what you want.

You can't waste any time. I think that's what's really going to give me my edge out here.

Your edge? What do you mean, your edge?

Well, I'm an actress, and out here it's a dime a dozen, and I just don't think people out here have

the raw ambition that I do. I don't know.

You're a real All About Eve, huh?

I don't know who Eve is, but yeah, I guess so.

-Whoa, where are we going?

-I don't know. I was following you.

-Well, I was following you.

I'm not getting into a car with you.

-OK. We could take the subway.

-Yeah! Yeah, yeah, that sounds good.

Public place, there are people around, you can't rape me. That's great.

-You're a real trusting soul(!)

-Y'know, I'm giving you until sunset, and then I'm going to figure out

if I like you or not. If not, I'm going to go out with somebody else.

-You're kidding, right?

-No! I don't have time to fuck around.

I mean, so far, you seem like a really nice guy, but I'm not going to be standing there at midnight

next to a bunch of people fucking kissing all over each other next to some fucking dud.

So, you ever been down to the MOCA?

-What's that?

-It's, um,

the Museum of Contemporary Art.

-I guess you've never heard of it.

-MOBILE RINGS

-I hate museums.

Oh, fuck you.

As if I'm going to pick up. I mean, seriously, what is wrong with men?

What the fuck is wrong with you guys?

Um, I don't know.

'Hey, this is Vivian. Leave a message and I'll call you back.

'Thanks!'

'Viv, it's been five days, and I'm just driving around looking for you.

'I don't know what else to do.

'If you, uh,

'got all these messages and you're ignoring me

'and you want to move on with your life, that's fine, I understand, but...'

'..I cannot let that happen.

'Call me, honey. I love you.'

Hey, you shouldn't smoke in here.

-Why not?

-For starters, it's not allowed.

-Wow.

-Second of all, I hate litter.

-Aren't you a goody two shoes?

No, I just don't like litter!

You're a real wild man.

-Listen, I have my moments.

-You're right,

it's the quiet guys we have to look out for,

-they tend to be the freakiest.

-Yeah, and you're not freaky?

I almost walked out of that coffee shop when you said that shit to that guy.

Oh, my God! That is pathetic, you're too soft.

Well, that guy probably went home and slit his wrists.

Fine by me, it's survival of the fittest.

-If you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen.

-Jeez!

Don't you think it's that random act of unkindness from some total stranger

that's the coup de grace? And all of a sudden... Boom!

..he'll bleed to death on the bathroom floor.

You know what? That's an excuse.

If you're at that point, do it, you're rotting in hell for eternity anyway.

Come on, we're going to miss the train. You should think about therapy,

-your Catholic upbringing has given you a sensitive edge.

-Yeah, Catholic schoolgirl here.

I got my uniform in my purse, want me to take it out for you?

-I know you're into that whole paedophilia shit.

-Fuck!

Have you read that book City Of Quartz?

No, books suck. Hey, we should go down to The Standard.

-Yeah! What's that?

-It's this hotel downtown, they have this cool bar on the roof.

I read about it. Lindsay Lohan eats lunch there every day.

Oh, so she's eating again?

Yeah, but I don't know where it's at, so...

Well, I'm sure we could find it.

-Really?

-Yeah! I mean, if you want to go.

Yeah, I'd love... I don't know, that'd be cool.

I just never get to do stuff like that, because my boyfriend's such an asshole he never wants to go out.

Yeah, well, I LOVE doing stuff like that.

SHE SQUEALS

Wow, the Los Angeles Stock Exchange.

"Founded on integrity."

Well, that's destined for failure.

Could you imagine if this happened to the New York Stock Exchange?

Like, all the banks left, someone closed down the stock exchange

and put a chain on the door? These things happen.

You look at our country and you think it could never fail.

But look at something like that, it makes you wonder.

It's like everything good in life eventually tragically fails.

No, you're just cynical.

-I am not cynical.

-Yes, you are!

What goes around comes around. You have no hope.

-It's not about hope.

-Yes, it is!

I mean, if King Tut was a CEO today, he...

Whoa, whoa, King Tut?! King Tut?! We're talking about King Tut?!

Go ahead. I'm sorry.

Well, they would have called him grossly negligent for simply not wanting a normal mausoleum.

And those things were built by hand!

There are still things made my hand. I mean, I make my own jewellery. See?

That's not bad!

It'd be really, really cool to go inside one of them

and see what they look like, you know?

-Inside one of the theatres?

-Yeah, yeah.

-You want to?

-Really?

-Yeah!

Um...

-All right, stay here. Don't leave.

-Where are you going?

-You promised me. Six o'clock.

Hey, there. How are you?

Hey, I was wondering if we could just come in here and take a look at the theatre?

-What did you say to the security guard?

-I told her she could sleep with you.

-What?!

-Well, what? You're OK with that, right?

-No, not really!

-Well, so then, maybe?

-Oh, God.

Well, at least we got in.

Well, at least we got in.

-Oh, my God.

-This is so amazing.

-Wow! Look at the ceiling!

-Oh, my God, this is incredible!

-Oh, God!

-And it's huge! Huge! Huge!

Huge! Huge!

-Can you imagine what this place looked like when it opened?

-I know!

Look at that ceiling. Oh, it's beautiful!

God, I can't believe this theatre is just sitting here.

Theatre's dead in LA.

Do you know, I've been on stage every year of my life since I was 12.

-Really?

-I mean, that's why I came to LA, to be an actor.

My friends threw me the most amazing going-away party.

I got so fucking wasted I couldn't even pack the U-Haul.

Yeah, and so I get here

and I waste all my fucking time with my stupid hick boyfriend.

Yeah, well, welcome to LA!

Embrace the pain.

Wilson, look at this place! Look at this theatre, this empty theatre, just sitting here.

So many all over town, I can't believe it.

And think about all these out-of-work actors,

out-of-work writers, and all these amazing theatres just sitting here.

You need to get off your ass, write something, and we can do it here.

-It's not that easy.

-Write me a character.

Write me something really good that I can do.

You know, something sexy and edgy and something where I get to use a knife.

I've only really written comedy.

You write comedy? You're the least funny person I've ever met.

-Well, I've had a rough year.

-OK, get over it.

Time is a-ticking away, you are getting old.

Think of anything and we can do it right here.

I don't know, I'm a prostitute...

-I like it.

-..who has AIDS, and I'm dying of cancer.

-Nothing funnier than AIDS and cancer(!)

-OK, OK, OK.

-So, I'm... I'm a real-estate agent...

-OK.

..who is showing the theatre to a young, decent-looking guy who's a little bit annoying, but...

No, no, no, no, no! He has potential.

-Thank you(!)

-And so he decides to buy this theatre and fix it up and bring the theatre back to LA.

And during all this, all this connection, we fall in love.

Then we go broke. The end.

That sounds hilarious(!)

You're bitter now, you can do it.

OK, um...

Interior - theatre.

Day.

Um, she's showing him the theatre for the first time, and they're alone.

And then what happens?

She's hungry and wants to get something to eat.

And he should be starved.

She needs a cigarette.

My boyfriend? Well, hold on, we should say my ex-boyfriend.

God, he has the worst accent. I mean, he's a total redneck.

Oh, I can't believe I was with him for three years.

Yeah. Well, you know, I think LA is where love comes to die.

I haven't met one couple that's moved out here that's made it.

-Sorry.

-No, it's...

Hey, it's New Year's, so we're supposed to have fun, right?

Fun, fun, fun. You know, there was a study done

that found people were less happy when asked if they were having a good time.

It's like the second someone asks, "Hey, you having a good time?"

you're having a bad time.

Totally! It's kind of like being asked to smile for the camera.

You know, when somebody says, "Smile!"

-No, you look so stupid.

-Yes! You ever seen a picture of yourself where you're laughing,

and you say, "I'm actually happy in this moment"?

Yeah. I mean, yeah, kinda like this.

Whoa!

-Kinda.

-Well, wait. Really look.

-No?

-No.

-Am I happy?

No! There you go. See?

You can't fake it!

You're right, you got me.

Oh, my God!

-It's a boot.

-I know!

I've been taking pictures of lost shoes for about three years now.

-Really?

-Yeah, yeah. I have a website - thelostshoeproject.com.

-thelostshoeproject.com?

-Yeah.

I've been noticing women's shoes, you know, high heels, with the heel broken off.

Or babies' shoes, and work boots.

And there's always just one shoe.

I mean, that just fascinates me.

I mean, how could anybody just lose one shoe?

It's really cool.

-Thanks.

-I mean, you know, it's really interesting.

So, let's find food.

I've never even been here before.

-Do you miss Texas?

-No! No, I fucking love LA.

Have you been auditioning much?

No, but this year, I'm going to take it more seriously.

I need to get new head shots and stop wasting my time with my loser ex-boyfriend.

What about you?

Austin? I think a lot of people move back home because they miss it,

but they're just trying to go backwards in time.

Oh, I agree. I'd be so depressed if I had to move back right now.

-MOBILE PHONE RINGS

-Tell me about it.

-Who was that?

-Oh, it was just Jack.

Jack's the...

The ex.

The hick.

Sure is calling a lot.

'Hey, this is Vivian. Leave a message and I'll call you back. Thanks!'

'Vivian, this is Mom.

'I was just calling to, um, wish you a happy New Year.

'Hope everything's OK. Jack called and said that he had not seen you or heard from you in a couple of days.

'He said that you were "missing", whatever that means.

'I know that Jack can be a little out there, so I'm a little concerned.

'So give me a call as soon as you get this message. I love you.'

So, um, how long you guys been broken up?

Last week.

Oh!

"Oh"? "Oh", what?

-Oh, I'm not thinking anything.

-No, wait. You said, "Oh!" as if you knew something I didn't.

OK, I was just, thinking this is, um... You know...

No, I don't know. What?

-Come on, you know.

-I know what?

-Come on, don't make me say it.

Say it. What?

OK, this is, um...revenge sex.

Revenge sex?!

-Yeah.

-SHE LAUGHS

-Oh!

-You want to make him hurt. It's cool, you can use me.

-No, let me tell you,

this is not revenge sex, because we are not having sex.

And I don't give a shit what he does.

He can go fuck himself, for all I care.

-Yeah, right(!)

-Oh, what makes you so fucking smug?

-Because you're kidding yourself right now.

-I am not!

-Revenge sex is very much a part of it.

-I'm leaving.

-OK, before you go, just answer me this one question...

..did you or did you not trim your pubic hair before we met?

-I am not answering that.

-Did you?

-That's none of your business.

-Why?

Because you're afraid of the answer.

No, it's none of your fucking business.

Did you or did you not prep before we met?

I happen to trim regularly, because I like to keep well groomed.

But you didn't have to trim this morning,

but you thought me or someone like me was going to see your vagina tonight.

Whether you admit that or not, actions speak louder than words.

-I hate to break the news to you...

-Break it to me.

..but you're never going to know the answer to that question,

-because you will not be seeing my vagina.

-Oh! Easy!

-The night is still young!

-My God! Keep dreaming!

How's that cigarette and nicotine with that dairy?

Get the fuck out of here!

This is so beautiful out here.

-Don't you think it's kinda special that we were sitting on this very spot 364 days ago?

-We were?

Yep.

Yeah, remember we went to the party where I got super hammered,

put on the diaper and started chasing everybody around like a madman?

And I lost my shoe somehow.

So you took me to the store and you bought me the sandals.

You saved my life.

And rather than going home, we went to the beach and watched the sun come up.

That was this spot 364 days ago. Incredible, huh?

I'm really cold.

Hey, I have a surprise for you.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-Where?

-Follow me.

-OK.

You know...I think you're so amazing, and I know that I'm stupid

and I'm stubborn and I just fight, and all that shit,

but I've never happier than when I'm with you.

I think you're great, too. Thank you.

You know, I think I may be going to London in March.

Neptune's got me some gigs there which would be perfect.

He says he's going to pay for my trip. And, um, yeah,

I've always wanted to go to London, so it'd be like a perfect thing.

Don't you think that's great?

Hey, let's go skinny-dipping.

-OK.

-Pervert.

Guilty.

I like public nudity. I think it's kinda sexy.

-Ah, do you now?

-Yeah.

-So, come on, let's play truth or dare.

-What are you, 12?

-No!

-Truth or dare.

-Listen, when you get to be a certain age, you stop playing games like truth or dare.

Wait, wait. Stop, stop, stop, stop.

Look, you had a ladybug in your hair. Wait, wait, it's good luck!

So, make a wish and then, you know, blow.

Wait, wait, wait! What is your wish?

Well, if I tell you, then it's not going to come true.

No, you have to say it out loud so it will come true.

OK. I wish that you wouldn't leave at six o'clock.

I hope I didn't kill it with that thrust.

Well, I guess we'll know at six o'clock.

'Hey, this is Vivian. Leave a message and I'll call you back. Thanks!'

MALE TEXAN ACCENT: 'I've only got hours till the New Year.

'I can't make it to the next year unless I hear from you. I can't.

'What am I supposed to do, pop champagne while you're in the bottom of a ditch somewhere?'

'I don't want to get a call from the police, I want to hear from you.

'OK. I love you. Bye.'

-There's this guy who did this art project.

-Yeah?

He took postcards and he dropped them off, all in public places all over the city,

like in subways and bathrooms and buses.

And he basically invited people to write an anonymous confession on a postcard,

something they had never told, and then drop it off in the mail.

-OK.

-You know, he asked them to kind of be creative with the postcard,

-you know, use it almost like a canvas or something.

-Mm-hm.

Well, within a year, the guy had collected over 10,000 confessions,

and all were just completely amazing.

And what kind of confessions?

Oh, my God, all kinds! I mean, some totally hilarious, some really sad.

Like, there was this one that said,

"I wish my mom loved me for who I was and not who I hadn't become."

-God, that's horrible!

-Oh, and there was this really fucked-up one.

This baby-sitter said that she had come across some of the owner's condoms

and poked holes in them to ensure that she had work for years to come.

Isn't that crazy?

God, that's horrible!

I got to get a copy of this book. If I ever see you again, can I borrow it?

IF I ever see you again?

Yeah, sure.

So these people just wrote these things in themselves?

-I mean, no catch or nothing?

-Yeah.

I mean, I think just saying whatever to somebody

and not have them totally freak out

or completely write you off as a human being is...comforting.

You want to go up there?

Sure. Look at those people kissing.

God, I love it down here.

Look, the Metropolitan Water District, established in 1917.

-Very good, very good.

-Wells Fargo.

That's where I do all my banking.

So, why don't you tell me a confession that you've never told anyone before?

I don't know, I don't think that's a good idea!

Well, come on, you said how much you liked that art project,

and how healing it was and how it made everybody feel good after they confessed.

Why don't you throw out a confession for me?

Yeah, but I don't know. I don't want you to judge me,

-not that I have anything to hide.

-I won't judge you.

OK, if you do it, I'll do it.

OK, I'll do it on one condition.

OK.

You have to kiss me.

-And what do I get out of it?

-You get a chance to kiss me.

-I think I'll pass.

-OK. Well then, I'm not confessing anything.

OK, fine.

And it has to be a real kiss, an adult kiss, like with tongues.

Deal.

-Deal?

-Deal.

OK. This is really embarrassing, um...

I don't know if this is a good idea.

Come on, tell me.

All right, this morning I was in my apartment and I was really lonely and I was horny, and...

I don't know, this isn't a good idea.

What is it? Just tell me.

All right.

I Photoshopped a picture of my friend's girlfriend and I was using it to masturbate.

-What?!

-HE LAUGHS

I know! It's totally something I would never do.

I mean, it was totally humiliating too, they walked in on me.

-I cannot believe you did that.

-I know, me neither! I feel gross!

-That is so sick.

-I know!

And it's totally something I would never confess.

-Well, you shouldn't have.

-Now you have to kiss me.

-I'm not kissing you.

Hey!

-Hey! Where are you going?

-I want to go home.

-Why? Because I was masturbating?

-Yeah, well, I'm a little disturbed.

Well, grow up, because everybody masturbates.

Not to their friend's girlfriend's photo!

Yeah, well, it has to be real or I can't get off.

-Oh, my God, you are sick.

-Yeah? Well, who isn't?

I'll bet your confession is ten times worse.

-You're wrong.

-Really? Well, what do you masturbate to?

-That is none of your business!

-But you do masturbate.

You know what? This date is over. I told you at sunset, it is so over.

Don't you think you're overreacting?

Listen, I don't understand what you're so mad about.

Listen, I was just being brutally honest with you, OK?

Listen, I thought that's what you wanted.

Let me ask you something. Do you have condoms on you right now?

-No!

-You are such a liar.

-I'm not a liar!

-Then let me search you.

-No way!

Listen, you didn't hold up your end of the bargain.

OK. You're right. I'm sorry.

-Oh, my God. You are such a liar.

-Damn it. Listen, I can explain!

Five?! Five?! You brought five condoms?!

Did you think we were going to fuck all night?

No, these aren't mine! Damn it! They're my buddy Jacob's.

He told me to take them, and he doesn't know anything about anything.

-But you thought we were going to have sex on date number one!

-No! Can I explain myself?

Will you just stop for two seconds and let me talk?

Stop!

Listen, I've never had a one-night stand in my life. OK?

This is my first date in six years!

-I brought these so that you didn't have to feel like a slut.

-What?!

-No, I mean...

Just listen. I brought them so that if the moment presented itself,

I wouldn't have to run out in the night and get some.

You don't get in a fit if there's toilet paper next to the toilet

-when you take a shit, do you?

-What the fuck are you talking about?

You're just overreacting. Listen...

Would you please stop?

I mean, come on. You'd think it'd be more insensitive if I didn't bring them,

as if I don't care, like, that you get a disease or get pregnant.

Fuck you and all men like you.

# Wake up and try

# You're not listening, and neither am I... #

(Fucking bitch.)

# But it's only a matter of time

# Before we're walking out the door

# Sit with me on the bed

# And stop pacing and pacing instead

# Cos it's only a matter of when

# This heart-to-heart will end

# And, oh

# Before we go

# Goodbye, safety brace

# Goodbye, baby clothes

# As you

# Describe

# A straight line

# Through all these rooms

# I want you

# To put your hands on my face

# Run them over and over and trace

# The lines that are starting to indicate

# How long I've been in this place... #

# The sun shines all day

# On the curb where our valuables lay

# Waiting all to be taken away

# Like we brought them in before... #

Vivian! Please! Look, I'm sorry.

All right. Just... Come on, don't go home.

Will you please just stop?

Listen, I've spent the last three months in my room being depressed,

and it's New Year's Eve and I just...

I don't want to be left alone.

So just stick around with me till midnight.

At midnight, you can go. You can go home at midnight.

You can do whatever you want.

I mean, every year on New Year's Eve

I'm going to think I just sent this girl home in tears!

I'm going to wonder what happened to you.

So just...let me take you out to dinner.

-I want to do something nice for you.

-You don't have...

-Honestly, let me take you out.

I have 100 in my bank account.

I'm going to go out and I'm going to pulse it out,

and I'm going to take you wherever you want to go. Any restaurant in this town.

I mean, as long as it's not more than 50 per person minus the tip.

Come on...

It would make me feel like a man.

Well, there is this Italian restaurant I've always wanted to go to.

-I love Italian!

-You do?

-I love it.

-OK.

You want to go there?

Come on. This is perfect.

My roommate dropped off his car for me on Hollywood and Cahuenga.

Look, I'm going to show you.

Please, please, please...

See, I'll show you. Look.

-No, just to show you I'm not lying.

-You don't...

Eight dollars.

-You don't have to do this.

-No, I want to do this.

I just wanted to show you.

You're sure it's no more than 100, right?

Buona sera! Happy New Year!

Benvenuti! Welcome to Oliva.

-Thank you.

-Hi. Ciao, bella!

-Oh, thank you!

Table for two? This way, please.

You know, my best friend's proposing tonight.

-I don't know if you're into it, but if you want to, we can go there.

-Where is it?

Downtown, in the Warehouse District.

He's a DJ, so it's like a house-music thing.

Is he proposing to the girl that you jacked off to this morning?

Yes, as a matter of fact, he is.

But it's OK, because she wasn't offended, she actually said it was flattering.

-That it was flattering?

-Mm, she did.

-That you were jacking off to her?

-Yes, she enjoyed it.

-She liked it?

Mm, she did.

OK, I have to meet this girl, then.

-You will, tonight.

-Yeah, that sounds good.

-Well, here. Cheers. To a better year.

-To a better year.

Now, isn't this better than going home and feeling lonely and awful?

-Yes, it is.

-Now we can feel lonely and awful together.

Oh, what a terrible evening.

Oh, it's the worst.

Just a beautiful girl,

-just had a nice dinner, bottle of wine...

-MOBILE PHONE RINGS

-..your phone keeps ringing off the hook.

-Sorry.

-I love this song!

-You do?

-No. Hey, you should really think about changing your ringtone.

It's on my to-do list.

-All right, jeez, turn that thing off or answer it.

-No, I can't, I can't, I can't...

If you can't pick it up, why have a phone?

I can't because this is my ex-boyfriend calling, and he's driving me crazy.

Pick it up and tell him to stop calling. He's not going to stop!

-You don't even...

-I don't...

-Listen! I left my house five days ago.

I've been staying at a fucking motel. He is calling,

my mom's calling. Everybody's worried, and I'm going to have to explain myself.

-I don't want to...

-I don't want to listen to your phone ring.

-Hold on, you're staying in a motel?

-Listen, I'm having an amazing time with you right now.

If I pick this up, he is going to fuck it up so bad.

-He's not going to fuck up...

-He is.

I pour a bottle of wine down you and it all comes out.

I think you're overreacting.

-Let's go get more.

-No, we're not going to go get more wine.

It's New Year's Eve. He's not going to stop calling. Just pick it up and end it.

I mean, do you want this hanging over your head for another year?

-Hello?

-'Honey!

-'Honey, you're all right!'

-Yes.

'Your mom's been calling, she's called the FBI.

'Your daddy wants you on the back of a milk carton, I called a private investigator.'

-Give me a break, I am fine.

-'I didn't know what else to do, I thought you were kidnapped.'

Just don't worry about it, Jack.

-We're over. You have to understand that, it's over.

-'We're going to work this out.'

-It's over.

-'We made a vow - we'd both go to LA and we would be stars.'

Oh, well, you should have thought of that before you started fucking that girl.

-'We were just hanging out.'

-Hanging out?

Well, hm, that's strange, because that's not what David told me.

'David is a liar! And we both know he's been trying to get in your pants since ninth grade!'

Oh, God. Shut up, Jack. It doesn't even matter about David, because I saw you.

I saw you with my own eyes.

-'Honey, calm down.'

-You know, it doesn't even matter any more.

It doesn't matter. You know why? Because I am on a date tonight.

And I am on a date with this wonderful, amazing, smart, attractive, handsome man.

And you know what? He thinks I'm beautiful, Jack.

-I'm going to get shot.

-'You're with a guy?'

-Oh, yeah.

I like this guy so much that I think I'm going to go home and I'm going to fuck this guy tonight,

and I'm going to fuck him over and over and over and over.

-That's awesome...

-'Put him on. Put homo fag on.'

-You want to talk? He's right here.

-'Put him on.'

-I'll put him on the phone if that's what you want.

-'I want to talk to this son of a bitch.'

-Fine.

-No.

-'Your imaginary fucking friend! I want to hear about him!'

-No, no.

-Please, he doesn't believe me.

-I'm not talking to your ex-boyfriend!

-Please, just say anything.

-Just anything!

-What do you want me to say to him?

Anything! Just take the phone!

'Put him on the fucking phone.

'Hello?'

Hello...

Who the fuck are you, homo fag?

Listen, man, I'm just a guy.

'If you so much as touched her'

anywhere,

I'm going to come over there

'with a shotgun in hand

'and I'm going to tie the two of youse up in my fucking house,

'pour some gasoline on you, cut your fucking dick off.

'I'm going to cook it while I burn you motherfuckers with a couple of marshmallows.

'I need a late-night dinner.'

Then I'm going to take your fucking carcass and punch you in the mouth

-'so you have a mouth full of teeth.'

-Hey, listen, man...

'It is not about words, motherfucker, it's DO.

'I will DO to you things.'

Freddy Krueger wouldn't do this shit, motherfucker.

'Cos that is MY woman.'

She is MINE.

She-is-mine, she-is-mine!

She-is-mine! She will always be mine.

And she will never leave, and if she does, I will fucking kill you.

-'Hey...'

-You're dead, motherfuckers.

Calm down, man.

Son of a bitch! You are fucking dead, man!

You're fucking dead! You're a fucking dead man!

You are a fucking dead motherfucker!

-Good God!

-'There is no sense in you talking, motherfucker.'

Your funeral has already occurred.

There's a bullet in your fucking skull with my name on it in cursive writing that says, "Fuck you."

-You can say what you want.

-'I'm going to...'

-No, no, no, no.

It's what I will do to you and that fucking whore slut you're with.

No, no, just listen. You can say what you want.

'Do you understand me?'

But it's New Year's Eve.

And your girlfriend,

your beautiful, beautiful girlfriend

is out with me.

So that's just something that you're going to have to deal with.

SILENCE

-Hello?

-'Put Vivi on right now.'

He wants to talk to you.

-Hello.

-Honey, I'm driving over to our place right now, and I'm going to burn all of your shit.

-Shit.

-What did he say?

-He said he's going to my house and he's going to burn all my shit.

-Oh, shit!

I think if we take Fountain, we cut across, we'll save time, it's just way too crowded right now.

-Whoa, I'm not going to your house.

-You have to help me...

-No way I'm going to your house.

-We're going to get there before he shows up. Please.

-No, no, no.

-No way.

-I do not have time to argue with you.

He is going to burn pictures of my grandmother. There's so much I have to save.

Please, I am begging you.

I will drive. That means I'm not getting out of the car.

I will drive. I'm the driver.

OK, go. Oh, shit! Get the light.

Go in the living room and look for his truck.

-What colour truck does he drive?

-I'm going to get stuff out of the bedroom.

-Help me grab some stuff!

-What am I supposed to grab?!

-Get my weed!

-Where's your weed?

-It's right in the heater.

-Where's the heater?

-Grab my lamp. I got it at the garage sale, I love that lamp.

Do you need this? Just grab memorable stuff!

Oh, and there's a little picture of me as a little girl by the window.

Oh, my God, you're so cute.

-Did you get it?

-What do you need? How about a picture of your cat?

-Yes, get my weed! In the heater!

I don't know where it is.

I'm looking and there's no fucking weed here.

-Oh! Oh!

-What?

Get my bongo drums! I have lessons on Tuesdays.

TYRES SCREECH

-Oh, shit!

-Oh, shit!

Go now! Go! Run!

Oh!

Ah!

-Get my bunny!

-Abort!

I should have aborted the bunny! Go! Happy New Year, Jack!

Come on!

SHE GIGGLES

# I tried to save a girl I truly loved

# And didn't quite know how to help her

# So now she's sleeping as her parents up above

# Cry over things that they can't tell her

# And when I did my good deed

# Thought I'd feel unbroken gladness

# But standing in the street alone I just felt sinking sadness

# Girl, your dad will not us bless

# So hang up your veil and dress

# Look at me and take one guess

# Where this best-intentioned love will lead us... #

This is, I think, where he said it was.

CHEERING AND LOUD HOUSE MUSIC

Hey-hey, hey-hey, hey!

What's up, Jacob?

Ah, you made it, you made it! Thank you so much for coming.

-I wouldn't miss it for the world.

-Oh, thank you.

-Jacob, Vivian.

-Vivian, Jacob.

-Hey. How are you?

-Nice to meet you. Happy New Year.

Oh, thanks. God, I completely forgot it was New Year's Eve.

-We've had such a crazy night.

-Crazy, yeah.

-Really?

-She fucking hit me.

-No way!

-I'll tell you about it...

-She hit you?

I'll tell you about it later.

Oh, man, you need to be hit!

I know, I know. I know.

-Hey, did you guys get drinks yet?

-Um, no. Do you want a beer?

Yeah, that sounds good.

-Oh, thanks!

-Oh, thanks!

Um, cheers to the best year of our life.

-Cheers.

-Could not be any worse than this year.

-Oh, yeah. Hear, hear.

Hear, hear.

So, have you done it yet?

No, I haven't.

Are you nervous?

I have butterflies, but you know, it kinda feels good.

-I want to do this now. Let's do this. Let's go, let's go. I'm ready.

-Do it. Yeah.

-Just... I got to go to the bathroom.

-OK.

-20 minutes.

-It's, like, 30 minutes till midnight, so you got a little bit of time, OK?

-Hi.

-Hey! How's it going? Good to see you!

-You too.

-How you been?

-I've been good.

-Good, good!

-You look cute.

Thanks. I dressed myself tonight.

-God, I'm having so much fun with that girl.

-Oh, great.

Yeah. So, Jacob's about to go on, so I'll see you in there in a minute.

Hey, um... Real quick, I...

-I have a present for you.

-What is it?

-Come here and I'll tell you.

-What?

I'm sorry, I thought you were attracted to me.

Hello, everybody. Hey, everybody!

CHEERING AND WHISTLING

OK, turn the light on, please, for me, there. That would be great.

Thank you, um...

I just want to be the first one to say happy New Year to all of you great people.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yeah. Um...

Tell me what happened.

I'll tell you about it in the car.

I wouldn't normally turn off the music like this,

but there's something important that I need to do.

Min? Where are you, Min? Come on. Come here, please.

-THEY CHANT:

-Min! Min!

Hi!

This has been the love of my life for the last two years.

Um...

I've been trying to find the right time to do this all day,

but the moment just never seemed to come up, so, um...

CHEERING AND WHISTLING

I've loved you more than I've loved anybody I've ever met in my entire life.

Honestly, the connection that I have with you,

it's amazing. I've never felt anything like this before.

OK, before I ask you this question,

I don't want you to answer till after midnight,

cos I want to give you, like, a symbolic year to think it over.

I want you to be my wife till the day I die.

Will you marry me?

Don't answer, OK?

CHEERING AND WHISTLING

God, why did she put me in that predicament?

-Listen...

-She lives in our house!

I know, don't worry about it. Who cares? I don't care, you know?

-I mean, love is strange. It's OK.

-Yeah, but this is the one couple that had their shit together.

Oh, God, nobody has their shit together.

They had their shit together.

No, we are all hanging on by a thread.

Trust me. Might as well enjoy what you have until that thread breaks, that's what I say.

RADIO: '1 minute and 45 seconds to go, Los Angeles.

'How are you spending the remaining seconds of the year? Are you listening to a radio show?

'We've got another song, but we won't get to the end of it, we're just about out of time.

'If you're not where you want to be, I'd suggest running.

-'It's T minus 1-39, 1-38...'

-Oh, this is great(!)

Oh, and that's it. I guess we're parked.

People are getting out of their cars.

This is so typical.

New Year's Eve in Los Angeles, and I'm stuck in traffic.

CAR HORNS BEEP

I guess it's not too bad.

You know, sometimes you just got to give in to the shit storm.

There's no way of avoiding it, you know?

You just got to get that umbrella and get out there and party.

-That's very well said.

-Thank you.

So, come on, it's New Year's Eve.

You got time for some resolutions. What do you got?

-To be honest with you, I haven't even really thought about it.

-What?!

Well, you better hurry up!

Come on, close your eyes. Come on!

'Here we go, Los Angeles,

'the final grains of sand are slipping away quickly, there's just a few remaining.

'We are fast approaching the one-minute mark, starting right...

'60 seconds.'

# My darling, it's true

# You know that nobody else will do

# I'm slowly turning blue

# Because I'm sitting here... #

RADIO: 'Whatever you wanted to do this year,

'you now have 25 seconds left in which to do it

'or come to terms with the fact that you're not going to get it done.'

'We're down to the final 15 seconds.

'Get ready for the final countdown. Here it comes, Los Angeles.'

-ALL:

-Ten! Nine! Eight!

Seven! Six! Five! Four! Three! Two! One!

SCREAMING AND CHEERING

RADIO: 'Happy New Year, Los Angeles! I love you! I love you to death.

'I love you for struggling and for fighting against the traffic,

'all the obstacles we have before us, just to get together in this city. Good luck finding love.

'And all the people that come here that put their careers ahead of love,

'I hope to God you find what you're looking for tonight,

'because this waking moment on this planet

'is our one chance to make it happen.'

MIN: I would love to marry you!

So, um, take a seat on the couch,

and I'm going to...get some wine and turn on some music.

That sounds great.

-I like your place.

-Thanks!

You know, if you ever need a place to crash for a few days, you're welcome.

No, actually, I think I'm going to stay with my sister. She's out in the Valley.

-So your sister lives out here?

-Yeah. She said I could crash there for a couple of nights.

-ANSWERING MACHINE:

-'You have five new messages.'

-Oh, Mr Popular!

'Hi. Don't get upset if you're straight,

'but you didn't mention whether you're gay or not.

-'You posted under Holiday Dates, so it said "gender neutral." '

-Shit, wait one...

-Wait, wait, wait, wait. I want to hear this.

-What?

-Let me hear this.

-'I think you're hot, from your photo. Bye.'

-ANSWERING MACHINE:

-'Tuesday, 6:02pm.'

'I'm calling for the misanthrope. My number's 310-555-8934...'

OK, this is really embarrassing.

'I divorced recently, and now I'm back out there.

'I think I'm pretty attractive, and I have a good body.

'So, with that, I don't know what to say!

'Um, well, I hope I'll hear from you.'

-ANSWERING MACHINE:

-'Tuesday, 5:41pm.'

'Hi. I'm 36-24-36, blonde, and I want to show you a really good time...'

-Maybe I jumped the gun!

-'..and my pager is 323...'

-Pager? Who has a pager any more?

-Hookers. She was a hooker.

-ANSWERING MACHINE:

-'Wednesday, 12:03am.'

-'Oh, happy New Year, sweetie'

-That's my mom.

-'I called your cell, but you didn't pick up!

'I can't wait to hear about this girl you're seeing!'

-Oh, shit.

-'It's about time.

'I want to hear all about her.'

-What girl?

-Um, I was on the other line with her when you called, so I didn't know what to tell her.

'Um, it's me.'

'Happy New Year. I hope when you get this, you're having a really good time in LA, and...

'Sounds like everything's really working out for you. I knew it would,

'You're so smart and you're so driven and talented, and, um...

'I don't know, I miss hearing you tell me your stories,

'and someday everybody's going to see what you've been working on.

'I'm just really proud of you for doing it.

'I just have complete faith that this is just what you're meant to do.

'Um... I don't know, things are going OK over here.

'I'm just spending a lot of time doing lesson planning and...

'I don't know. I miss you.

'I was really, really glad when I got your e-mail.

'And...give me a call, and I don't know, we can talk.

'All right...bye.'

-ANSWERING MACHINE:

-'End of messages.'

What's wrong?

Nothing. Will you just hold me for a second?

Yeah.

Do you want me to tell you that confession I never told you earlier today?

If you want to.

It's something I haven't told anybody in the world yet.

What is it?

I'm pregnant.

He doesn't know, does he?

I was going to tell him, and then I found out he was cheating on me.

I just left and went and checked myself into a hotel.

And I've been there ever since.

Are you going to keep it?

I don't know.

I mean, if I do...

..it's, like, no more nights like this, no more... No more acting.

I guess I'll just...

move back to Texas and maybe live with my mom, wait tables.

GROANS

GROANS AND SQUEALS

Are they serious?