In the Loop

This film contains very strong language.

Good morning, my little chicks and cocks.

Malcolm, monitoring...

-All the usual.

-How did your team do at the weekend?

All right, yeah, we won.

(Wanker.)

Sam, morning. How are you?

Well, pop pickers, what disc shall we start with today?

Wonky Ron or how about Simon Foster?

On the Eddie Mair PM programme on the BBC.

'Well, I'm joined by Simon Foster, the Minister for International Development...'

-Coffee?

-Yes, very, very black please.

-'..Do you think you're making headway?

-Yes, I do.

'You'd expect me to say that, I suppose.'

Mark?

You're co-ordinating the Millennium Goals press release?

Co-ordinate it better, please.

Is that the minister? OK.

Have we heard anything from Malcolm about last night's interview?

No, not yet.

Perhaps he didn't hear it.

Or maybe he's dead.

He might be dead!

He might have finally had that massive stroke he's been heading for.

It's been in the fucking post.

'Preventable sickness in many of the poorest countries around the world.

-'And of course, the big one is diarrhoea...'

-Ah, diarrhoea.

This is the Minister for International Development!

He should be talking about food parcels, not fucking arse-spraying mayhem.

'..So if we can tackle the easy things like diarrhoea, then...'

Oh, say it again. Yes, very good.

What is this, the shitting forecast?

'..Hopefully that will strike another blow in the war against preventable diseases.

-'You mentioned the word "war"...'

-Steady, Eddie.

-'..against preventable diseases.

-All the evidence now points to a US military intervention

'in the Middle East. Is that your view?

'Well, personally, I think that war is unforeseeable.'

-Sam. Sam!

-'Unforeseeable?

-'Yes.'

-No, you do not think that!

Sam,

I'm going to have to go to International Development to pull Simon Foster's fucking hair.

He did not say "unforeseeable".

You may have heard him say that,

but he did not say that. And that is a fact.

Now, he'll want you to row back on that "unforeseeable" thing on Question Time tonight.

On Question Time, you know the funny question

-they always have at the end?

-Yes.

I think we should prep that now.

Cos I'd like to shine on the funny question.

I'm a funny guy, with a light touch.

This guy, he's a property tycoon.

He bought a South Sea island. It might be something like that, if you had to spend the rest

of your life on a desert island with someone, who would it be?

Well... I can't say my wife, cos I haven't got one.

I can't say my girlfriend, because I haven't got one of those either.

-And don't say Mandela. That's...

-No, no, boring. And a bloke.

Or Keira Knightley.

-That's a good idea.

-Pervert. Sex. Minister. People don't want to know.

I don't think so.

Did you take the washing out of the machine?

-No.

-What do you mean, no?

I didn't take the washing out the machine.

-It's going to go really stale...

-It'll be fine.

-It's not fine.

-I'll wear stale pants.

-I don't want to go out with someone wearing stale pants.

Well, there we go. I could go commando,

but I don't think that's accepted in Government.

Please! Have you got everything you need for your first day?

Oh, yes, all in here. My massive intellect

and an apple for Simon Foster.

Simon "Fluster", don't you mean?

Don't call him that, I'm re-branding him.

He was crap on the radio last night.

He sounded like a chicken with a wasp up its arse.

Give me a week, I'll have him sounding like a chicken without a wasp up its arse.

Good luck at the Foreign Office. Try not to annoy Russia.

-See you later.

-See you later.

-I'll give you a call later.

-Keep your phone on.

-All right.

-Be careful.

-Cars.

-Oh, really? Thanks for that.

Helpful.

OK, OK, go ahead and print "unforeseeable".

Assume I tell your wife about you and Angela Heaney at the Blackpool conference,

what would be best, an e-mail, a phone call or what?

I could write it on a cake! With those little silver balls.

"Your hack husband betrayed you on October the 4th, and congratulations on the new baby."

Yeah, maybe it's better to spike it, yeah. OK, fuckity bye.

-'Just a quick thing - did you put away the lasagne?'

-Yes, of course, it's in the fridge.

It's got Clingfilm on it and everything.

Thank you, sir.

Why did you put Clingfilm on it?

Because that keeps it fresh. That's the point of Clingfilm.

I don't want to hold.

It might dry out - that's an amateur mistake.

-I'm not holding any longer. What's he waiting for, a fucking sex change?

-It doesn't give you cancer.

-What, Simon Foster?

Clingfilm doesn't give you cancer any more than...

-Diarrhoea Of A Nobody. I like that.

-..aluminium foil

gives you AIDS, or, you know, lasagne gives you syphilis. It's not a thing.

No, you relax!

'God, who's that?'

Get me fucking Brian!

If you don't get me fucking Brian, I'll come over there,

lock you in a fucking flotation tank and pump it full of sewage until you fucking drown!

-Paris Hilton.

-Are you serious?

-Lily Allen.

-No, no women.

-Yeah?

-The Olsen twins.

-Thank you.

-Who was that?

-Malcolm. He's coming to see you.

-Oh, shit, he's still alive.

-When's he due?

-Now!

And don't say you weren't prepared, because I rang ahead.

Give us a minute, please, love.

In the words of the late, great Nat King fucking Cole,

unforeseeable, that's what you are.

Who's that geezer?

Oh, I know who he is.

You're Dan, right?

-Daniel? The new adviser?

-Toby.

Toby. Oh. Sorry about the Dan thing.

You guys are often called Dan so it's worth a punt.

I'm Judy, Judy Molloy. Director of Communications for International Development.

Is this a normal morning?

-The minister was rubbish on last night's interview...

-He was rubbish?

-Yes. Rubbish.

Come on, Malcolm, he asked me for... for a personal opinion.

Why didn't you say? He asked you. Fuck, of course, that explains it.

If he'd asked you to fucking black up, or to give him your PIN number

or shit yourself, would you have done that?

I would've blacked up, yes. It was radio, nobody would've known.

-Very good.

-War is basically unforeseeable, isn't it?

That is not our line. Walk the fucking line.

We've got Karen Clark over from Washington today.

-We've got enough fucking Pentagon goons here to stage a fucking coup d'etat.

-Minister.

Not the time, love. I'm busy. Fuck off.

-This is Toby.

-Toby, hi. I'm glad you could make it.

It's a bit of an odd morning here.

Welcome to the madhouse. I apologise for Malcolm.

Don't apologise for me. Apologise for yourself.

Did I not just tell you to fuck off and yet you're still here?

It's true, I am, yes, still here.

Hey, foetus boy, lesson one, I tell you to fuck off, what do you do?

F off?

-You'll go far. Now fuck off.

-Right.

Judy and I were thinking that I could row back

on Question Time tonight.

You're not going on Question Time.

-We've been prepping Question Time.

-Why wasn't I told about this?

Why would I tell you about it?

I've told you to fuck off twice.

You should tell me about it cos it's a scheduled media appearance

by this department's Secretary of State, so it falls well within my purview.

-Your purview?

-Yes.

Where do you think you are, a Regency costume drama?

-This is a Government department, not a fucking Jane fucking Austen novel.

-Malcolm...

Allow me to pop a jaunty bonnet on your purview

and ram it up the shitter with a lubricated horse cock.

Your swearing does not impress me.

My husband works for Tower Hamlets

and believe me, those kids make you sound like...

Angela Lansbury.

-She's married? Poor bastard.

-Malcolm,

Judy's lubricated horse cock aside for a second,

are you saying I'm now no longer allowed to make media appearances?

-Correct. Not until we can trust you to keep the line.

-I was going to keep to the line.

I was going to say, I don't think war is unforeseeable...

-What is it, then?

-I don't know. Foreseeable? No.

No! Not foreseeable.

That's fucking declaring war. Do you want to fucking declare war?

I'm a Cabinet Minister.

I didn't get here by screwing up every media appearance I ever had.

Write this down. It's neither foreseeable nor unforeseeable.

Right, so not inevitable, but not...

-You'd better walk on this fucking line.

-...Evitable.

You, hey, put the snifter out there that if the BBC ambushes a minister

with another surprise question about the war, I'll drop a bomb on them.

I can't do that, can I? That's political.

Does that not fit within your purview, Marie Antoinette?

Why don't you just scuttle off back to fucking Cranford

and play around with your tea and your cakes

and your fucking horse cocks?

Let them eat cock! Hey, you!

Ron Weasley, you do it.

No, no, you needn't worry about the Canadians,

they're just happy to be there.

Yes, well, they always look surprised when they're invited.

Shall I give Toby a call about this Simon Foster thing?

Yes, good idea.

No, I'm not talking to you. Get me the Angolan charge d'affaires.

Yes, well stop him playing football.

PHONE RINGS Hello?

So, how's it going? Found the bogs?

It's a bit... Manic. Never like this at Agriculture.

People tend not to get so sweary about wheat.

Sorry, Michael, do you mind just turning it down a bit?

Just a little bit...

Grating. Bloody music.

-Listen, I've got a bit of leg-up for you, actually.

-Yeah?

I think we can get Simon Foster into the three o'clock with Karen Clark.

Karen Clark? Was she the woman who went round Britain in a coracle for leukaemia?

No, Toby. Karen Clark, US Assistant Secretary of State.

Oh, right, Karen Clark. Wow, great.

-Hang on, Michael wants to say something.

-Meat.

-Meat?

Meat?

His man is only going to be meat in the room.

No talking. He's just padding.

The Americans don't feel like they're getting a proper meeting

unless there's 30 people on each side, so he's basically going to be bulk in the room.

He's not going to be relevant, but he'll be present.

I won't tell him that, to be honest.

OK, I've got to go, darling. I love you.

OK, yes, likewise. Affirmative on that one.

All right, darling, take care, bye.

Can I turn it back up now?

You're on sexual health, aren't you?

That's ironic. Right, Toby, quick tour.

I should probably just go and...

This is Mike. Just leave it to Mike, cos he knows what he's doing.

-Don't you, Mike?

-What?

-MOBILE BEEPS

-Exactly. He's an idiot.

Listen, I understand your hostility at new wood being brought in...

Sorry, that's the end of the tour, I'm afraid.

There is really a lot of very important people

that you ought to know about, but I have to...

-Toby, hi.

-All right, boss.

I'm sorry about earlier - Malcolm.

He's a bit of an alpha male, isn't he?

Yes. Listen, I was just, um...

-Don't sit on Anna's desk.

-Sorry.

I have managed to get you into the big Foreign Office meeting this afternoon.

The Karen Clark meeting?

Really? Shit. How did you do that?

I did it through sheer bloody hard work.

-Judy?

-Yeah?

Tobes here has got me into the big Karen Clark meeting this afternoon.

Oh! The big "meat".

Impressive, eh? How are you spelling that, by the way?

-Two Es.

-Oh, right.

Just one thing.

Talking wise, you might find once we get in there, that the bulk of it...

Can we just wait for Judy?

Of course.

-Simon.

-Michael, hi.

-Hello. Welcome.

-Michael?

-Yes.

-Hi, I'm Chad.

We'd like a dual horseshoe formation for the meeting set-up.

An enclave for Ms Clark. An enclave for the Pentagon delegation.

And, politely, we requested the presence of both carbonated and non-carbonated waters.

-Right.

-Is that all?

-Yeah, that's it. Thank you so much.

Not at all. Wow, who was that? Young Lankenstein?

He's probably running something relatively major.

They're all kids in Washington.

It's like Bugsy Malone, but with real guns.

Thank you all for coming today to the Interim Anglo-American Resources Forum. I'd particularly like

-to welcome...

-What's your view like?

Well, it's pretty basic.

-OK, can we swap?

-I don't want a consensus forming around the premise

that military action is necessarily the primary option at this point.

This paper which was authored by one of my aides, Liza Weld...

Liza, I hope you don't mind if I foreground this paper.

It's not strictly my paper.

In the sense that you were the one who put in the requests...

Miss Weld is very, very modest, but this is her paper.

And she's highlighted several reasons why

we cannot envision a theatre deployment for at least 12 months.

Should I say something? She invited me. I should say something.

If you don't say something in the first ten minutes, you might as well not say anything.

-I really think you shouldn't say anything.

-No, I should say something.

-No, Simon, don't, just don't...

-Don't pull my hand down.

The committee feels a quicker deployment is possible.

Ah, which committee?

It was discussed in a number of committees. If I mentioned one committee...

-You did.

-..then it was a slip of the tongue.

What, because you've accidentally alluded to a secret committee, a war committee?

If I may intercept. I understand we are pressed for time.

Liza, do you know if Linton has set up a secret war committee?

-No. I have no idea.

-Get me on it.

I think it's worth noting that ministers in the UK Government,

such as our colleague here, Simon Foster,

have made it very clear that they feel currently war is unforeseeable.

Isn't that right, Simon?

Er...well, yes.

That's what I said. And I stick to what I said.

That doesn't mean that what I said won't change

in the future.

Um...it's not immutable or mutable.

It's... It's... It's... It's a developing... Obviously it's...

I think there are areas of mutual discussion that we

could come onto now, and then if there's time left at the end...

Judy, can you just pass that on? Is that fine?

Yes, that's all fine, thank you.

Right, come here.

We need to talk.

What do you mean, stop being a tit? In what way was I being a tit?

Why am I even over here?

You were just meat in the room, Simon.

-Yeah.

-Meat in the room?

-Yeah.

For fuck's sake, Judy, I've taken an hour out to come over here

-and be room meat.

-Yes, but...

but a prime cut, you know, not offal.

Oh, great. I'm not liver.

-What was I, tit meat?

-Well, no, I...

Just...

Come on. Let's get back.

-Hey, Liza.

-Yeah. Hey.

I just want to say congratulations.

Your paper got a major citation.

You must be psyched that Karen brought it up.

Yeah, well, that was, you know, her call. Not mine.

You couldn't write a paper that clashes more violently with the current climate if you were trying.

-It seems like you were trying.

-I wasn't trying!

You're like the woman in The Omen - you gave birth to a demon and it's going to kill you.

-You probably identify with the kid from The Omen, right?

-Ooh!

You're an only child, aren't you?

I don't understand how my parents' limited reproductive ability reflects badly on me.

I'm the sperm that made it, so...

-Liza.

-I'm being called by our boss.

-OK, retreat. See you later.

-Yeah, have fun with yourself.

Have fun with your career kryptonite.

What's going on? That looks important.

My teeth are killing me. I want to know if they're chipped.

I think that one has always been there, right?

It was a chip on the veneer.

-Don't look at my teeth for a long time.

-I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

-It just surprised me.

-Liza!

-Toby.

-Toby! Hi.

-Hi.

-Give me a call!

-Yeah.

-OK.

-Liza?

Liza Wells. She did the Kennedy Scholarship at my college.

I had a thing for her at the time.

-I can imagine, yeah.

-Don't think she remembered me, to be honest.

That is one of the side effects of Rohypnol.

Linton has set up a secret war committee. I just know it.

I mean, Linton is an absolute lunatic, Liza. He is dangerous.

-It's not good.

-The voices in his head now sing barbershop together.

I really, really hope there isn't a war, it's going to be a nightmare.

It's bad enough having to cope with the fucking Olympics.

ALL: Minister? Just a quick word, sir?

This is your chance to nail the line. Do you want to nail the line?

No, I'll freestyle it. Hello, there. Hi.

So is war unforeseeable, Minister?

Look, all sorts of things,

that are actually very likely are also unforeseeable.

For the plane in the fog,

the mountain is un...

unforeseeable, but then it is suddenly very real and inevitable.

Is this your opinion or is this the Government position?

The mountain is a hypothetical mountain that could represent anything.

So, who is the plane and who is the mountain?

-Is the Government lost in the fog?

-I'm saying...

that to walk the road of peace...

sometimes we need to be ready to climb...the mountain of conflict.

-Thank you so much.

-We be climbing the mountain alone, minister?

That's it, thank you.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, why didn't we nail the line?

Simon, I did try to warn you.

Yes, you tried to warn me, but you didn't actually stop me, did you?

-I can't tackle you to the ground.

-That's like shouting "Train!"

at somebody as they get hit by a train. You should go "Train!

-"There's a fucking train!"

-Bollocks!

-Fuck, it's Malcolm.

-It's Malcolm for me, too.

How does he do that?

Simon, I don't like finding out about people

employed by this Government via the news, unless they've just died.

Be here now.

'..The Government must be prepared to climb the mountain of conflict.

'It's unclear if his view is shared...'

Maybe we should get it out there.

Float the idea that the war is a resigning issue for you.

You can't say it's a resigning issue, cos then you have to resign.

You're having a really great first day, you know that?

You are supposed to be a Cabinet Minister!

You are supposed to be Officer Class!

Don't do this, don't make fucking waves.

We can do without the ritual humiliation.

You know I'm against talking up the war.

Against talking up the war? Is that why you said,

"Climb the mountain of conflict"?

Do you know what you sounded like? A fucking Nazi Julie Andrews.

I'm just saying I might be forced to the verge of making a stand.

A stand?

Right, The White Stripes, outside.

Eh-eh...

There's only two people in The White Stripes.

I, um...

I admire you.

I really do, I admire you.

Making a stand. So, I take it, I can tell the PM that you...

You don't want to go to Washington?

-To where?

-To Washington. See, the PM, he wants you...

Well, he wanted you to go on a fact-finder, you know?

Problems we might have to face if it all goes boombastic

in the Middle East.

Oh, right.

But, you know, that's you, you're on the verge, aren't you?

You're on the verge of your stand, so...

Well, Malcolm, come on, I don't know what words I used

in the heat of the moment.

Maybe in a sense, yeah, I am on the verge, but that's the important thing. I'm on the verge.

I'm not in any way decided.

Christ on a bendy bus. Don't be such a fucking faff-arse.

-No, I'm standing my ground, on the verge.

-Right, OK,

when you go to America,

talk to Karen Clark at the State Department, yeah?

-Right, OK. I'll give it a whirl.

-Keep away from Linton Barwick.

He's pushing the war for Caulderwood's lot. I'll deal with him.

He uses a live hand grenade as a fucking paperweight - true story.

Wow, I won't talk to him.

Talk to as few people as possible, that would be best for you.

OK, Liza, the priorities are shower, get me on Linton's war committee

and get me to a dentist, not necessarily in that order.

Shower later. What has Linton been up to while we've been gone?

Have we declared war on California yet?

-Ah, Karen.

-Linton!

-How was London? Good meetings?

-Very good meetings.

You know we had some great discussions there, I think our...

Thank you very much, I will read your words

when they come through. Thank you, Karen.

You won't read the words, Linton.

Is Chad coming? Chad?

No, he's probably doing his desperate chorus girl thing,

hanging around Linton's office, trying to catch an eye, you know?

That's why he's wearing his push-up bra today. Have you noticed?

Assistant Secretary of State, hi.

-Brad, how are you?

-Chad.

-Yep, yep, yep, exactly.

-Can I...?

-Yep, yep, you betcha, OK.

Hey, listen, the war committee.

What you have to do is you've got to look for the ten dullest named committees

happening out of the executive branch.

Because Linton is not going to call it the Big Horrible War Committee.

He'll hide it behind Diverse Strategy, or something so dull you're going to want to self-harm.

Get me General Miller at the Pentagon, please.

(My teeth hurt. My teeth hurt like hell.)

I'm sick of hearing about the teeth, frankly.

Hi, yeah. I'm checking the status on a paper that was circulated by a staffer here.

It's called "Post War Planning - Parameters, Implications and Possibilities".

This is the one by... this is the one by Liza Weld, right?

PWIP PIP?

Oh, God, it already has an acronym.

You know another acronym? DOA...

Your career.

My golly, I can't see why anyone

would choose to work in a glass office, huh?

Glass offices, in my opinion, are for perverts.

-I could request the glass be frosted.

-Frosting is on cakes, huh?

Now,

what else happened in London?

-Ah, generally positive, two glitches...

-Really, what?

-Karen flagged a report by one of her staffers.

-Really?

She's obviously trying to use it as some kind of roadblock.

-It's called PWIP PIP.

-PWIP what?

-PWIP PIP.

What is it, a report on bird calls? What does it even stand for?

I can't recall. It's factish. Intel for and against intervention.

We have all the facts on this we need.

We don't need any more facts.

In the land of truth, my friend...

the man with one fact is the king.

You said there was something else. What is that?

In the meeting with the Foreign Office,

the committee was accidentally and briefly alluded to.

Which committee?

The...the war committee, sir.

All right, Karen is not to know about this, huh?

She is an excitable, yapping she-dog.

Get the minutes - I have to correct the record.

-We can do that?

-Yes, we can. Those minutes are an aide memoire for us.

They should not be a reductive record of what happened

to have been said, but they should be more a full record of what was intended to have been said.

-I think that's the more accurate version, don't you?

-Sir.

-Right.

-I don't like this section, let's cut that.

-Aye aye, sir.

-Let's reverse this.

-That was something Karen said, sir.

It's not right, so let's change it.

Aye, aye, sir.

-And... I like this.

-Ah, thank you, sir.

-Yeah, let's say everyone agreed with that, huh?

-Excellent.

So... So the car will pick you up from the airport. It's supposed to be

quite a good one, I believe. The Americans are doing that.

I've just got the contact numbers.

What's she so fucking happy about?

She's probably on a personal call.

SHE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

Why has she got control of the blinds?

I think it's...

I'm a Government Minister and I don't have control of my own blinds.

I could order you some blinds.

I could order you some nice, heavy curtains,

with swags and a pelmet maybe?

Yes, do that.

OK.

Will you come with me?

HE BANGS THE SCULPTURE

So, listen...

my team for the US, Team Simon,

I'm thinking of taking you and leaving Judy.

I could work with that, definitely. Plus, she can be a bit, you know...

SILLY VOICE: "Everything's a bit shit, isn't it?"

Yeah, it's true. No, she can be,

"Oh, so you're the President

-"and I'm supposed to be impressed by that?"

-Yeah!

"My husband works in Tower Hamlets."

"Which is much harder than being President."

Yeah, OK. Well, that's settled. Fuck it, she's staying here.

-Go and tell her.

-What?

Well, that moves us on to any other business.

I think I've flagged everything

I need to discuss, as I usually do.

-Everything you're prepared to discuss.

-What is that?

-What are you doing?

-I understand you started a new committee.

-What is that called?

-What makes you think that?

It was mentioned at our meeting in London.

-Well, you must have misheard me.

-No. I misheard the word "committee"?

Maybe it was another word.

Like, say, Khomeini.

You're sitting on a new Khomeini?

-Possibly. There are a lot of words. Kansas City. Kitty.

-Itty.

Itty? Itty is not a word, Bob.

-Commissary.

-Thank you, James.

-Chad.

-Chad.

Why don't you just recap for me, at the moment, all the committees that you're currently sitting on?

I'm sorry, Karen, but you...you appear to be bleeding from the teeth.

Let me see that. Holy Mother of...

Well, don't try to change the subject.

I'm sorry, everyone. Just ignore the blood. We haven't finished the meeting.

I can't ignore... I'm sorry.

I don't mean to be rude, but this is a tad repulsive.

I'm sorry. Excuse me.

Liza, come with me, I need you. Chad, stay here.

Go, Buffy, you belong to the vampire queen now.

-Liza.

-I'm coming.

Oh, my God. Shit! He's in there alone.

I cannot stand to see a woman bleed from the mouth.

It reminds me of country and western music, which I cannot abide. Huh?

That stuff is just choking the airwaves.

-Look, sorry, we just need...

-Oh, my God!

-It's really bad. It's really bad.

-I can't touch anything.

Nobody was joking.

I need to catch it.

How far are you with the committees?

I've got it down to two, actually. One is the Aims And Policy

Alignment Committee. The other is the Future Planning Committee.

It's not the first one, because I set that up.

Does it really sound dull to you? I thought it was a good name.

Right, no...it is a good name.

Well, find out if it really is, whatever, the Future...

-Planning Committee.

-Find out if it really is that.

Um... OK, well, I might go and do that.

You're not going to shout at me if I do that, are you?

I'm not a monster, Liza. OK?

Will you stop implying that I'm some kind of monster?

Bob!

-Oh, hey.

-Hey. I wanted to tell you

we're having this stupid "hunk of the month of the office"

-kind of contest.

-Sure.

And I just didn't want, you know, you to feel objectified in any way,

-or anything like that.

-No, not at all.

And Karen knows about the Future Planning Committee.

-I have no idea what you're talking about.

-No?

No. Excuse me.

Future Planning Committee, that's what it is.

Wow!

This is fucking cool.

Don't be callow, Toby, we're on official business.

-This way, gentlemen.

-Oh, thanks.

-That was a little bit fucking cool.

-Yep.

-Did you book a car?

-Me? No.

Well, Judy will have booked a car.

Judy?

-Hi.

-For fuck's sake!

I was wondering about the car situation?

It's Robbie's job to book it and your job to check it.

There's obviously...

some snarl up at her end, I think.

-"Simon Forester."

-Oh.

Thank you very much.

"England Government, Simon Forester."

My name's Simon Foster, it's British Government.

POLICE SIREN

Hey, Gav, I'm in a fucking motorcade. Yeah.

I feel like we should have hookers, do you know what I mean?

-Yeah!

-I mean in here...now.

-DRIVER: Do you want girls?

-No, no, no, no, no, no.

Absolutely not.

No, sorry. No hookers, it was just a joke.

I hate hookers. Not in an aggressive way, but, no, thank you.

Strange hotel.

It's like a hangar for businessmen, isn't it?

-That's better, isn't it?

-It's big, yeah.

Just bring them here, that's fine.

Tobes, have you got any m...

Well, I haven't been to an ATM, so I've not... I've only got English.

I mean, I don't suppose English money is...

This and this, sorry that's...

It's usually a dollar a bag.

Ooh, well, there's the Capitol,

you can see there through that window and that tree.

Technically, you've got a Capitol Hill view.

Hi.

-Ooh.

-Excuse me.

Hello. How are you doing? Was it something I said?

I haven't seen you in a month.

I haven't felt that in years. Thank you.

-You're beautiful.

-Oh, thank you. I'm sure you say that to all the girls.

Yes, I do...

and some of the soldiers, too.

That's why you shouldn't run for office, bimbo eruptions.

Don't believe that shit. I'm not running for office - I'm trying something different.

I know. It's one of the reasons I like you.

I know your passion about education and housing and...

-Lingerie.

-There you go.

-Bestiality.

I'd forgotten about that.

-Are you still allergic to the dog?

-Yes, yes, I wake up and my eyes are closed

and my head is swollen and I look like a giant ball sac.

Oh, my God. You know, they do have modern medication for that sort of thing.

-Beautiful ball sac, though.

-Thank you very much.

-How's the Pentagon?

-It's kicked up. They're talking invasion reasonably seriously.

-Is there somewhere we can talk about this?

-I don't know.

-There must be.

-I don't live here.

-Follow me.

-Go that way.

-Don't let people know we're leaving.

This is good. Her daughter's not home, I talked to her.

-In here?

-Yeah. Although, I don't know what we'll say if somebody comes in right now.

No, I can't think of a good possible excuse, no.

-No, me neither, me neither. What?

-Come here.

Just be careful, don't mess stuff up.

-Oh, come on, it's toys.

-Let's sit down.

-So...

-Yeah.

Not enough troops. Total minimum European requirement.

The Far East, Asia.

OK. That's how many we have.

Total there, yes. And then we have the contingency already deployed.

OK, I don't... You've lost me.

Hold on a minute...

-Oh, fuck this.

-What?

-CALCULATOR:

-# La-la-la, la-la-la-la, la-la-la.

-# Good.

Your military hardware is impressive, General.

Well, not any more, it isn't.

TOY CALCULATOR BLEEPS

So, you add these together.

CALCULATOR BOINGS

So this is the number of combat troops available

for an invasion, according to these figures.

-CALCULATOR:

-12!

Thousand?

-No, 12. 12 troops.

-Oh, come on, you're shitting me?

I am shitting you.

12,000 troops, 12,000 troops, but that's not enough...

that's the amount that are going to die.

And at the end of a war you need some soldiers left, really,

or else it looks like you've lost.

-CALCULATOR:

-Bye for now!

You know what? I've got some Brits I have to meet tomorrow. A guy named Simon Foster.

-Who's Simon Foster?

-He's this guy that said publicly

that war was unforeseeable.

And I think he could be very useful on the war committee.

He can internationalise the dissent - start to.

You're going to use him as a little meat puppet?

Tobes?

-Hi.

-Hi.

What are we going to...do tonight?

-Tonight?

-Yes, what are we up to, my...

-my chief aide?

-Well... yeah, I mean,

I sort of thought tonight we'd probably be just a bit tired, really.

No, I am tired. But,

I'm also a career politician, Toby,

in the political powerhouse of the world for 48 hours and I thought

it might be nice to go out rather than just sitting in my room

trying to spank one out over a shark documentary,

because I'm scared if I watch a porno it'll end up in the Register of Members' Interests.

So...

-What have you got for us to do?

-Right, what have I got?

Well, so far we've got...

Well, there's a leaflet through the door for happy hour at the bar, which might be interesting.

Also, I do have the number of a guy I was at uni with

-who works for CNN out here.

-No.

-No?

-No.

-Where are you?

-I'm waving at you.

-I don't see you, be more visible.

-I'm, like, practically on top of you, I'm coming to you.

-Ah!

You can stop talking on your cell phone now.

Of course I can.

Look, I have to leave. Phone Simon Foster's guy,

tell them, come to the war committee.

I'll give them some face time tomorrow around ten o'clock.

It'll be coffee and Danish. Tea. They'll want tea.

-Tea and sympathy, tea and a hand job, whatever.

-OK.

'There's still much that's unknown about hammerhead sharks, such as their mating habits.'

-MOBILE RINGS

-You can definitely spot the female ones, can't you?

-Hello.

-Hi, Toby, what are you doing tonight?

Well, it's unbelievably hectic. Actually we're...

'Their courtship is a violent affair.

'The male will bite the female until she acquiesces'

The war committee, that's a big thing, Liza.

Yeah, well, I have been on committees before,

the Challenges For The Cheese Market, that was one of the big ones.

Yeah, God, yeah. Love a drink.

40 minutes is perfect, yeah, yeah.

Bye-bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye, bye.

MOBILE RINGS

-Matty, how's CNN?

-'Great.'

I can't, mate, no.

Liza Wells got us onto the Future Planning Committee in the morning.

-The war committee to the likes of you and me.

-'What are you talking about?'

The Future Planning Committee is Linton's war committee.

Do you not work for CNN or is it the Cartoon News Network?

KNOCK AT THE DOOR

Come in. I just wasn't expecting to see you here. Physically here.

you're always in my heart.

I'm here, I'm there, I'm fucking everywhere, I'm the egg man.

Have you come to insult me in a different time zone?

Yeah. No, sorry, I'm just off out for a drink with her just now.

No. You're barking up the wrong cock there.

Little Toby is staying very much in his hammock this evening.

-Simon, I've got us on the...

-Hiya.

Jesus, fucking hell, Malcolm.

You're supposed to shit yourself in there, not out here.

I've got us on Linton's Future Planning Committee for tomorrow morning.

Brilliant. What is that?

-It's the war committee.

-What?

The actual war...the actual war committee? Who's going to be there?

Karen Clark, Liza Weld, me and Simon...Simon and me.

How about the rest of the committee, who are they?

Jimmy Osmond, Gwyneth Paltrow? It's a diversion.

The real committee, that's at the White House.

I'll text you the details - I'm going to go out for a drink with some State Department bods now.

Don't mention this to the press, OK?

Don't mention it to anyone. If the press get a whiff that there's

a war committee, even a cardboard one, every fucker in this town will turn up and try and get on it.

So no matter what gay bar you end up in, keep it shtoom.

I was watching that.

Yeah, well, I have to have a word with you.

You might want to slip into your negligee.

LOUD ROCK MUSIC

-You see this mosh pit?

-Yeah.

-Well, they're mostly house staffers, senators' interns.

-Oh, yeah?

Tonight they rage hard, but tomorrow they go back to the Hill and argue noise reduction legislation.

Is this yours or mine?

I don't know, I've got three.

So one of these has got to be yours.

Those are like fluids that I've never...

Would you call wax a fluid?

-No, it's not a fluid, it's a...

-That's very intimate.

It's an ooze...it's an ooze.

Ooooh...eurgh!

Karen will want you to say, "War is unforeseeable."

And Linton will want you to talk up the "climbing the mountain of conflict" line.

You say nothing, OK?

You stay detached, otherwise that's what I will do to your retinas.

-Right.

-Can I go to bed now, please? No, no, no, no.

We're going to stay here and you are going to rehearse saying nothing.

Am I being tortured?

-You look worried.

-It's the paper that I wrote for Karen.

It's called PWIP PIP, it's about war.

The pros and cons, and I came up with too many cons.

I'm, like, fucking worried because...

This is, like, my career on the line.

I thought you were worried, because you were looking worried.

But you know, don't...

I mean, don't...don't worry.

-Thank you.

-OK.

-Sure.

-Thank you.

God damn it!

Are you OK?

Yeah, I'm just taking off my shoes.

-Why is that? Is it a mosque?

-It's just, like...

THE GIGGLE

Is it... Is it a bouncy castle?

HE BURPS

-THEY GIGGLE

-OK...

THEY KISS Mmm...

Can I just say, what happens in Washington,

stays in Washington, yeah?

Well, I live in Washington, so that doesn't, like, really work for me.

Yeah?

A number for a cab company in Washington DC, please.

Just straight through, straight through.

Hi, I need a cab.

Well, I don't know.

I'm outside number 1427 moving on...

I don't know, it's a nice street, it's quite leafy, federal houses.

Marcel's is nice. I like their wraps.

And you should go to La Taverna, the Greek place, it's fantastic.

They do that thing - set fire to the cheese.

What's that called? It's fun.

Yeah, that sounds fun.

And, well, there's the Aerospace Museum and the National Gallery.

Do they set fire to the pictures?

-THEY LAUGH

-Yeah.

Hi, sorry I'm so late for the meeting. One or two issues getting here, but...

-I'm Karen.

-Hi. Toby.

Pull an all-nighter?

Well, I...

-I was led astray.

-Oh. By who?

-I... I just ran into some people from the MOD and...

-Not Penny Grayling?

No. Another...gang.

-Wow, I didn't realise we had so many delegations in town.

-No, well...

"The British are coming!"

So, um...

Yeah, you know what? I have a lot of things to check on just now.

So this would probably be a good place to break things up.

No problem.

Brilliant. Bye.

I've brought your bag for you.

-Cheers, man.

-Tobes, I don't want to have to read you the riot act here,

but I am going to have to read you some extracts from the riot act.

Like section one, paragraph one -

don't leave your boss twisting in the wind,

and then burst in late smelling like a pissed seaside donkey.

"The British are coming."

All right, I was late for the meeting. I am sorry, but it's not like I threw up in there, is it?

No, you're right, I'm being unfair.

I should be thanking you for not throwing up.

Well done, you're a star.

You didn't wet yourself, did you? You're in the right city.

You didn't say anything overtly racist.

You didn't pull your dick out

and start plucking it and shouting, "Willy banjo."

No, I'm being really unfair.

You'd got so much right without actually being there

for the beginning of one of the most important moments of my career.

Thanks, you're a legend.

That was just the beginning, do you think? Are we going back in there?

I don't know, we barely said hello.

I've had muggings that lasted longer. We talked about flammable cheese.

What if our meeting has finished?

What if Karen comes back, and then we're still sitting here?

It's going to be embarrassing, isn't it? We're going to look like groupies.

What if it hasn't finished and she comes back and we've disappeared?

Maybe I could call Judy? She could...

Please can we try and just do one thing without Judy?

Fine.

I think we've drawn

long enough from that...

teat.

Surprisingly enough,

-a lot of the marble in the building is not imported.

-Really?

-It's interesting...

-Very interesting.

-If you study the stonework.

-Not at the moment.

So, you made it in OK, right?

Yeah, hunky-dory, thanks.

-Can I get a coffee?

-Sure, sure.

If we just get started, my assistant should be bringing in coffee shortly.

-Your assistant?

-Yeah.

So, item...

We need to have a conversation about the mood of the British Parliament,

-the bumps in the road ahead and what not.

-I'm sorry, I don't...

This situation here is... Is this it?

No offence, son, but you look like you should be at school

with your head down a fucking toilet.

Your first point there, the offence?

I'm going to have to take it.

Your second point, I'm 22, but item, it's my birthday in nine days, so...

If it'll make you feel more comfortable, we could wait.

Don't get sarcastic with me, son.

We burned this tight-arsed city to the ground in 1814.

And I'm all for doing it again, starting with you, you frat fuck.

You get sarcastic with me again and I will stuff so much cotton wool

down your fucking throat it'll come out your arse like the wee tail on a Playboy bunny.

I was led to believe I was attending the war committee.

Yes, Assistant Secretary of State, Linton Barwick

asked me to brief you on the Future Planning Committee.

I'm away.

And here we are. The fucking Vice President

has also graced us with his presence.

Give him a bottle of milk.

You didn't wake me up.

The thought crossed my mind, but you just looked so sweet there.

You know, with the jet-lag and all.

I don't know, I thought you knew what you were doing.

I didn't know what I was doing, I was asleep.

That's how people walk through windows, that's how that happens.

-Hey, Liza?

-Yeah.

I've got another call for you about the committee from Senator Crudden's office.

Crudden? What is going on?

How did CNN know about the committee?

-Did Linton post, like, an invite on Facebook or something?

-Liza?

Everyone is so hot for this paper, I just wanted to let you know.

I'm about to run off another ten copies.

-Just stop.

-It's like a Harry Potter book,

if Harry Potter made people really, really angry.

You're in hot water, you're lobsterising. Do you smell lobster?

Because I smell lobster. Strong...

bisque wafting this way.

How far would you go with Linton?

You freaky little stalker.

Downtown? Or all the way up Brokeback Mountain?

-Smells like bisque.

-Smells like bisque?

-Smells like bisque.

Where's the war committee? I thought I was going there.

Simon's going. I thought you were doing your one-to-one?

-Just tell me where the fuck it's happening!

-The State Department on the seventh floor.

-Malcolm?

-What?

-Do you like how I'm telling you what's going on where you are?

Let me tell you what's going on where you are. A certain vinegar-faced, manipulative cow-bag

is about to discover that she's out of a fu...

job... Fucking hung up! You fucking hoity-toity fucking...

Hey, buddy? Enough with the curse words, all right?

Kiss my sweaty balls, you fat fuck.

There's the grenade.

I know, I'm looking at it.

He's got "climb the mountain of conflict" on his picture.

He's picked up on that?

On the bumper sticker.

(Shit, there's Karen Clark.)

Have a meeting, have a meeting.

What about the dialectic, as it spreads across the territories?

-Interesting dialectic...

-Oh, hi.

-Hi. I'll see you at the committee.

-We're just sorting out a bit of prep, finishing stuff.

-Very good, that's great.

-Liza, they're still here.

-I know. I told them where it was.

-OK, let's go, let's go. Come on. Quick! We've got to keep up with them.

-Let's roll.

No, you can't say "let's roll". They don't like it here.

-That's just who asked to be in on the committee, it's crazy.

-Yeah.

-Hello.

-Hello.

Are you joining us, or shall we see you there?

Oh, I'm so sorry. No, see you there.

I don't need to do any of the things that you need to go in there to do,

so I'll just see you there.

-Toby, do you need to use the...?

-No, no, no.

I don't need the restroom.

All right, OK.

(Yeah, they're insane.)

-Where is it?

-(I don't know.)

-We can wait here.

-Wait round here.

When they come out, we'll follow them again.

Plenty of room down the back.

We seem to be overrun with insurgents, Bob, huh?

There must have been a leak.

Really, no kidding(?) Unbelievable!

Is this the wrestling? Is that the ring?

There's General Miller.

-I think it's best that we move...

-Reconvene.

-..reconvene to a larger venue.

If you follow my lead. Take an agenda.

-Please take an agenda, we want to stick to that.

-This is a cluster fuck.

-How did CNN know about this?

-< Hold onto that one!

I'm thinking we could you Miller to sign it?

If we could do this with a certain amount of energy.

Just this way, folks.

Moo!

Moo...

HE PANTS

-Find a chair, wherever you're comfortable.

-More this way.

Excellent(!) I'm room meat again.

This is a massive abattoir of room meat.

Just so you know, Karen and I did not appreciate having to skulk around like Mulder and Scully

to find out about the committee.

Well, you're both here now, huh, John and Yoko?

We need to talk.

How about my office, 12.30 tomorrow, huh?

-OK, off you go.

-What do you mean?

-I've got this covered.

Go and find the next thing.

Talk to that Chad boy, the boy from The Shining. He knows things.

-Don't make me pump Chad.

-No, I'm making you pump Chad.

-Go on, it'll be easy peasy lemon squeezy.

-No, it won't.

It'll be difficult, difficult, lemon difficult. That is what it'll be.

Have a lovely afternoon.

Stop a war for me.

So, welcome to the somewhat engorged session of the Future Planning Committee.

Yes, Assistant Secretary, on point six, it feels like there's already been an assumption

that we're invading, and don't you think that we should discuss the practical implications?

I mean, this is, after all, the war committee.

This is the Future Planning Committee.

Well, unofficially, it is called the war committee.

Well, Karen, unofficially, we can call anything whatever we want.

Unofficially, this is a shoe, but it's not, Karen. It is a glass of water.

And this is the Future Planning Committee.

Unofficially, this appears to be bullshit.

Hey. What's all this?

"Climb the mountain of conflict".

We're just choosing a font that... looks appropriate.

What about that font the SS used? Have you thought about using that one?

-Er...well, that obviously has bad connotations.

-Heavy metal?

-No, the SS.

-Oh, right.

Has a decision already been made, in principle, to advocate invasion?

I would refer you to the recent comments

of our colleague from the UK, Mr Simon Foster, in that regard.

Yes, I think that Mr Foster would have something to say to that.

I'm... I'm certainly hearing both sides.

In England, we have a saying for the very situation such as this,

which is that it's difficult, difficult...

lemon difficult...

You betcha. Huh?

I do think a consensus is forming.

-No, no, it's not, and you have no basis for saying that.

-Karen...Karen, calm down.

Because we don't want you to have another haemorrhage.

-Linton! Linton!

-Hmm?

Mr Tucker, isn't it? Nice to see you again.

Are you fucking me about?

Is there a problem, Mr Tucker?

-I've just come from a briefing with a nine-year-old child.

-You're talking about AJ.

AJ is one of our top guys.

He's a Stanton College Prep, Harvard.

One of the brightest and best.

Well, his briefing notes were written in alphabetti spaghetti.

I nearly tripped up over his fucking umbilical cord.

I'm sorry it troubles you that our people achieve excellence at such an early age.

But could we just move on to what's important here?

Now, I understand that your Prime Minister has asked you

to supply us with some, let's say, fresh British intelligence,

-is that true?

-Yeah.

Apparently, your fucking master race of highly gifted toddlers can't quite get the job done...

-OK.

-..between breast feeds and playing with their Power Rangers,

-so a grown-up has been asked to fucking bail you out.

-Ah, Minister!

Thank you so much for your support. We appreciate it.

And what did you say, "climb the mountain of conflict"?

-That's terrific.

-It's quite complicated in terms of my...

It's early days, my friend. All roads lead to Munich.

All roads lead to Munich?! What the fuck does that mean?

I think it just means... Actually, I don't know what it means.

You see that? Pull that out, America deflates.

Very easy to mock. The closest you'll come to getting one of those is buying a fucking Toblerone.

I'll meet you in the car. Come on, back to London.

So, what are we going back to, apart from a nice cup of tea and some knife crime?

Constituency surgery in Northampton.

Oh, great(!)

Meeting my constituents.

It's like being Simon Cowell but without the ability to say, "Fuck off, you're mental."

It's stuck.

Simon, do you mind?

If you just kick it at the bottom really hard, that should do it.

I'm just going to go and deal with that guttering.

-We've just come back from America, Roz.

-Right.

-How was the President?

-Good, actually. Yeah.

-Good!

Oh, dear, how the mighty have fallen. From White House to shite house.

Actually, mate, sorry, fuck this, could you get under there?

-Is that any better?

-No.

This septic tank, if we didn't even know it was there, how come we're responsible for it now?

-I think what's causing the problem is that it's not actually a COUNCIL septic tank.

-Uh-huh.

-You should leave this to us now.

-Really?

Certainly. I'm completely on board.

-Is he?

-Thanks for coming in.

-Yeah.

-Right.

-All right?

-Yes, thank you.

-Thank you.

-Thanks very much.

-Thanks.

-Thanks.

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Mr Foster.

-Call me Simon.

-Right, OK.

-You've met Roz.

-I know I have.

-Lovely.

-I'll keep it brief, I know you're a busy man.

-There's a fellow over there who wants to stop people talking in foreign languages in shops.

-Yeah.

Well, this sometimes can be a magnet for people who are slightly mentally dispossessed.

And also very sensible people, like yourself, Paul.

-Paul, why don't you...

-Don't you fucking patronise me, mate.

Paul, why don't you just outline the whole issue?

Right, OK, I'll tell you again. Your constituency side wall...

-Uh-huh.

-..is falling down.

Your wall...

is falling into my mother's garden.

She tried to call the office, but she was fobbed off.

Fobbed off by your people, because she's not Lord Snooty in a posh car, or Madonna on a horse.

-I find that sort of thing incredibly irritating myself.

-PHONE RINGS

-It's a patch from London, it's Karen Clark.

-Right.

-Urgent.

-Hello? Sorry, am I not here?

-Sorry, Paul. I have to take this.

-Am I being fobbed off?

-Absolutely not.

What's the difference between being fobbed off and what happened? You won't be able to forget me!

What's going on there, Simon?

It's...it's departmental business.

It's about a wall.

-Oh, Gaza?

-Uh-huh.

I'm wondering where you were in committee, Simon.

I called for back-up and you sat there like a dumb sack of shit.

Only maybe worse, because, on a molecular level, shit is probably fizzling with energy.

I have to say, Karen, I do have a clear strategy on this, which is, I'm playing...playing the long game.

-<

-Still here, Simon.

They've bounced us into a short game, and you just sat there like a...

What do you call it in England? A wanker.

-No, we don't call it that.

-<

-Paul. Paul.

Perhaps if I had a bomb strapped to my chest, I'd get more attention.

-He's mentioned the matter of a bomb.

-I'm not going to let a bomb off!

-I work for the National Trust.

-How do I know you're not going to let a bomb off?

-It's fine.

Paul, why don't I give you the details of my cell so that you...

-Mobile phone details.

-Mobile phone details.

-Have you got a mobile, Paul?

-Of course I've got a fucking mobile!

-Roz, what is wrong with you?

-Five megapixels.

-Can we look at the wall? Would that satisfy you?

-Well, it's a start.

Friends again? Let's go and do it.

I'm not NOT your friend, and I'm not your friend. I'm just...

-Thank you.

-That's a pleasure.

-Thank you.

-Just...

-Done. I'm done, I'm done.

-I'm done.

-Let's go have a good look at that wall.

Four more constituents. How many are going to be like that?

-MOBILE RINGS

-OK, hang on.

Also, the committee got leaked and that leak came from your department.

'I want a head on a plate, to go.'

You're not my boss. Er...fuck off!

You can't make me sack people.

Why does she want someone sacked?

Ah, she said there's a leak.

The detail of the committee meeting in America was made public.

There shouldn't have been as many people there.

Right, and who does she want sacked?

Somebody from our office.

-Right.

-Let's forget about it.

Come on, next person.

-Could it have been Judy?

-Probably.

-PHONE RINGS

-Judy?

-Yes.

-Can you come into my office? I need a word.

One second. Tobes, that's for you.

-What is it?

-It's that madman about the wall.

-The wall?

Wall! Ooh.

Will you please come into my office so I can give you a bollocking?

-Yeah, OK, OK. What?!

-Hello. Argh!

-Fucker!

-I want a word with you. And you, Charlotte fucking Bronte.

-Eh?

What can I do for you, Paul?

-You know those buttresses that you had put up for the wall?

-'Yeah?'

-They are utterly insubstantial to even the untrained eye, and I'm looking at them.

-'OK.'

And my eye's trained.

No, I get that, I do. I understand that.

If that wall collapsed and my mother was in the greenhouse, that could crush her to death.

Do you know how old she is? Tell the reporter how old you are.

-I'm 60.

-She's... You're not fucking 60!

If it's going in the newspaper, I'm 60.

Olivia Newton-John's 60, and she's not on the fucking statins!

-I didn't leak anything.

-Don't you fucking walk out on me.

-I'm just getting my tea.

-Let her get a cup of tea.

Could you just get your mum to stay away from the wall for the time being?

She can't. She's got to water her plants.

Could she maybe do it with a hose, from a distance?

She's got a WATERING CAN!

Calm down, Paul, calm down.

I'm not... I'm fucking Zen.

-I've brought my nunchucks if you need 'em, sir.

-See how the meeting goes.

12.30.

Hold on. General?

Yeah...

Secretary Linton Barwick asked me to let you know that his last meeting

-looks like it's overrunning. He sends his apologies.

-When will he be here?

I don't have that information at this moment.

What the fuck?

-Huh? Did he stand me up?

-No! No, sir. You're more than welcome to wait.

-Do you know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to take a nice big shit on his desk, just to let him know that I was here. Is that OK with you?

I don't think he'd like that too much, sir.

You can wait. We have some very interesting periodicals.

-There's, um...

-Oh, yeah!(!)

You want me to read a periodical at this time of national crisis? Huh?

Sit here with my thumb up my ass reading a paper?

Finding out what? Which little starlet fucked some guy this week?

No, I wasn't suggesting that, sir.

Give this to your boss.

Yeah...

(Get out of my way.)

Oh, my God.

-What's up?

-Fucking Linton stood me up. He's playing me,

-like a turkey stick on a bass drum.

-Do you know where he is? He's playing squash.

With this little fucking twit?

No, not with... No, that's Chad.

He just carries that every day, because he's hoping to play squash.

I was going to eat lunch in here.

-Can you digest? Do you want some food?

-Oh, yes, I can digest, yes.

Chinese OK?

Why don't you order me some little mammals?

A little bunny and a little puppy and a little cat,

-so I can twist their fucking neck off and drink their blood.

-My, my. All right.

"While Foster jets around at the taxpayers' expense, his constituency wall is collapsing

-"and he doesn't give a shit."

-It doesn't say that?

-No. But it does say "Wall-ace and Gromit".

-Wall-ACE, though.

You're portrayed as the biggest twat in Northamptonshire and that's going some.

I've got bigger fish to fry, believe me. I'm giving this to somebody else. Jamie!

Ah, the crossest man in Scotland.

Well, if it isn't Humpty Numpty.

What is this? Surround bollocking?

Hey, with due respect,

I hadn't finished. If it isn't Humpty Numpty

sitting on top of a collapsing wall like some clueless egg cunt.

-Now I'm finished.

-Hi, Jamie, this is Toby.

-Oh, um...

Toby Rice, I'm Simon's aide.

Hi. Toby? Toby, I'm very pleased to meet you. Please sit down.

-That's enough of all the fucking Oxbridge pleasantries.

-What's Oxbridge about saying hello?

Shut it, Love Actually! Do you want me to hole-punch your face?

Right, I'm off to deal with the fate of the planet. Be gentle with them.

-Oh, you know me, Malc. Kid gloves... but made from real kids.

-Ha-ha.

-Butch and Gaydance, this wall story is playing badly. There's a cartoon of you as a walrus.

-A walrus?

I'm not fat, I don't even have a moustache. Fuck, they've given me tusks.

-Walrus.

-Yes, I know.

-You get it? Walrus, walrus.

-I can see.

-We called some builders. They didn't turn up when they said they would.

-What did you expect?!

They're builders! Have you ever seen a film where the hero is a builder?

No! No, because they never fucking turn up in the nick of time. Bat-builder? Spider-builder? Huh?

That's why you never see a superhero with a hod!

You know, my theory is Malcolm built him in a lab out of bits of old psychopath.

-Hello, ladies.

-Hello.

-OK, well, I'm just going to go to the bar.

-Good idea, we're on the Sancerre.

-If you can afford that. I'll be fine.

-IF you can get served at the bar.

-Thank you, Oscar Wilde.

-He might not get served, bless him.

-PHONE BEEPS

-Toby's got a message.

What's that?

-Oh, fucking wow, I don't believe it.

-What?

-I don't fucking... I don't believe it, he's done it again. Little shit! He's such a shit.

-Aw.

-What?

-Here he is.

There you are. The finest Sancerre in the Westminster reach.

So, this Liza, you shagged her, yeah?

-What? No.

-Were you aware he was ball-deep in some Washington wonk?