Man of the Year

This programme contains some strong language

-Nine minutes to air.

-Checking Dobbs.

Stand by, lights, for cue one.

-Welcome to The Tom Dobbs Show.

-Please have your tickets ready for the ushers.

Cue visa graphics. Ready, camera two.

Even numbered seats to the right.

The last mic warm up. Check, one, two.

Please turn off all cellphones and pagers.

Ladies and gentlemen, take your seats, please.

-Tom Dobbs will speak to you before the show.

-Bring that light down to camera level.

This story might fall under the heading of "one thing leads to another".

It started on August 20th.

At 7pm, Tom Dobbs, who had a successful cable show

featuring political comedy, was talking to the audience

during the warm-up routine prior to the taping of his show.

Thanks for coming here. This isn't the actual show -

the cameras are pointing at nothing and some critics have said that too.

But I'm just here to kind of talk to you, warm up the audience, a little bit of foreplay... Sorry.

I'll back up now just for harassment reasons.

The Government said recently...

Well, a lot of people said that we're cutting back spending. But NASA

actually spent 28 million to develop a fountain pen that would write upside down in space in zero gravity.

The Russians solved the same problem with...

five-cent pencil.

(IN RUSSIAN ACCENT) Very easy, writes upside down, zero gravity. After two cases of vodka, still writing!

If you have the GPS, be very careful.

I bought a Mercedes recently, it had the talking GPS.

"Up ahead, take a right". I opened the door, the car went, "Are you Jewish?"

LAUGHTER

But soon all of your appliances will talk to each other.

You'll get on the scale and the scale will go, "Psst! I've talked to the microwave".

LAUGHTER I notice many of you with your little cellphones.

Soon they'll get so small, you won't see them, they'll just be inside...

Hold on, I got a call. Hello?

No, I'll make it louder. Hold on.

LAUGHTER

Wait a minute, wait a minute, I'm taking a picture!

Oh, wait, wait, wait. I got mail.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It was during a Q&A that a woman made a statement...

-Yes, yes, ma'am?

-Hi.

I feel so frustrated with the political system

and I hear my friends say the same thing all the time.

-Maybe you should run for President.

-CHEERING

The comment was quickly forgotten and minutes later

the show got under way.

Senator, I'm picking up that the public is frustrated with the polarisation of the parties

and lack of accountability. I mean, it's crazy!

A woman in the audience tonight said I should run for President. CHEERING

Maybe I should.

Within three hours, there were four million emails endorsing Dobbs for President.

Over the course of the next week,

Tom Dobbs mentioned this four more times. The Internet was on fire -

over eight million emails.

It was a grass-roots movement fuelled by the power of the Internet

and the cult of personality.

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for your patience.

We have a great show for you tonight, so without any further ado...

-On September 2nd something very, very unusual happens.

-Tom Dobbs!

Tomorrow I will officially announce my candidacy for President of the United States.

Did you write that?

Where's the punch line?

Maybe it was sheer vanity, maybe it was a political stunt,

or maybe it was because Tom believed his audience demanded it. Who knows?

As Tom Dobbs' manager, I was as shocked as everyone around me and I wasn't exactly pleased.

Does this mean I'm out of a job?

Shortly thereafter, Tom Dobbs was upon the ballot in 13 states.

That was part one of the unusual progression of events.

On the West Coast, the second domino toppled over.

'In today's America, technology empowers the public

'in nearly everything they do.

'And now, voting with confidence.

'Introducing the Delacroy Voting System.'

Congress decided that Delacroy Systems would have the national

franchise for computerised voting in the coming presidential election.

In hindsight, not one of their better decisions.

'For ease of voting, speed and accuracy of vote.

'It eliminates long lines and confusion at the polls.'

It was of course a major coup for this Silicon Valley-based company.

When the dubbed versions come in, I need to see the contracts.

'Delacroy.'

As CEO of Delacroy, James Hemmings lovingly watched his stock rise.

In the bowels of the building, something else was about to take place.

I just got the ballot from San Mateo so I thought I'd run my own election.

-With all the referendums, propositions and amendments, just add the candidates' names.

-Why?

We've never run a configuration like this ballot, so I thought I'd give it a test drive.

Oh, God.

-I think I burned my lip.

-It's like democracy on the head of a microchip.

Yes, but no matter how you slice it, it's what you're voting for and not how easy it is to vote.

Whether she was being diligent in her work,

whether she was obsessive-compulsive,

or whether she really didn't have a personal life, who knows?

But late that night, she found something that seemed very wrong.

"Mills, I voted for you three times as much as I voted for President Kellogg.

"Why did the President win?"

Like a good, dedicated employee, she sent an email to CEO James Hemmings.

She wrote that something was wrong.

She used phrases like "a glitch in the system,"

"compatibility problem," things like that.

Hemmings read the email...

and reacted as a CEO whose stock fortune

was wrapped up in his newest enterprise.

IF there really was a problem it was too late to correct it,

so he ignored the memo and hoped the problem would go away.

I've read a lot of Op-Ed pieces recently saying that Tom Dobbs doesn't talk about the issues.

All right. I will address THE issue.

The issue revolves around representation.

The people of America are not being represented.

Our political leaders are too indebted to special-interest groups and party politics.

This country was founded on the principle of government

of the people, by the people, for the people.

We are the wealthiest nation in the history of the world, we are the most powerful nation on this planet,

and yet we can't educate our own children!

Thought that went pretty well.

Lincoln got more laughs at the Gettysburg Address.

-Don't start with this.

-Everybody Loves Raymond is doing huge numbers in reruns.

-Comedy sells. Can we remember that?

-I don't want to get into this.

I don't care what you say, but say it with some humour. These crowds expect it.

You keep giving speech after speech, nothing's funny.

It will be when I'm back on the show after the hiatus.

-It's too dry.

-I came on the campaign to talk about issues.

There's no pop, zing. There's no oomph.

Remember the motto, "It's no joke?" It's no joke!

Tom, can't you do just two jokes of mine?

'You're a comedian who talks about politics.'

So when you talk about politics without the comedy,

it's like wanting to get laid and forgetting to bring along the woman.

You'll quickly discover something is missing.

I believe we should have politicians who represent us and not special-interest groups.

Whenever they want to distract you they use weapons of mass distraction.

They bring up a constitutional amendment to ban burning of the flag.

By spending even one moment in Congress talking about that,

you deny other things - education, the environment...

I'm here to talk tonight about political commercials.

That's where most of the money goes in any political campaign.

Politicians have to spend so much money just to buy TV time.

This is where the special-interest groups start.

When you have a political campaign that costs 200 million,

you owe someone something somewhere down the line.

That's why I refuse to run television commercials.

Just be entertaining. Look at it this way -

who would you rather have dinner with - Richard Pryor in his prime, or Kofi Annan, the head of the UN?

Tell me which dinner is going to be more interesting.

If there's no candles, Richard...

But I'd like to be with Kofi just to say, "Coffee, Kofi?"

"What?" "Coffee, Kofi? Kofi, coffee?"

# We live in a political world

# Love don't have any place

# We're living times where man commit crimes

# The crimes don't have a face... #

He's in the debate?!

He's in the debate!

-Tom Dobbs is going to be in the debate!

-What?!

They're going to let him participate in the debate!

Wow, have we struck gold or what?!

-Oh, my God!

-We'll have to start writing.

Yeah. We can write it, but is he going to do any of it?

-Hey, praise the Internet!

-16 million emails spoke loud and clear!

# ..It rots in a cell

# Misguided as hell, leaving no-one to pick up a trail... #

No!

The following is a quote from our debate advisory standards.

"All candidates who demonstrate seriousness of purpose

"and significant support going into the final 30 days of an election

"should be included in debates."

Yes!

Well, I fully agree with the debate committee's inclusion of Tom Dobbs.

He's by far the strongest of the independents

and I'm very much looking forward to the debate.

I'm more than confident of my decisions, my positions,

-and my strong relationship with the voting public.

-And my hair.

-Oh...

-The first thing you've got to do is say

you have unconfirmed information that the other candidates have had sex with farm animals.

It goes back to the Johnson thing!

-President Johnson...

-Oh, President Johnson.

..said he wanted to accuse his opponents of having sex with animals. OK?

One of his staff said, "How can you prove that?"

He said, "I can't, but I want to hear him deny it".

Seriousness of purpose.

The debate is going to be a night full of pomposity.

The air will be full of bullshit.

They'll be thanking everyone, do all those niceties.

They'll thank their wives, children, all have been supportive of their campaigns.

This is our night to shine. This is the opportunity of a lifetime.

It's like the comic who gets to play Carnegie Hall, but shows up and plays the violin.

It's not what they go to see!

How many analogies do you have left?

How many does it take to make my point?

-Woah!

-I didn't mean to yell.

You gotta cut loose. In this debate, get your show attitude in there.

Yeah, but may I reiterate?

They got me in because of my seriousness of purpose. That's why we're here.

Serious talk puts us to sleep.

You want to talk about a serious issue, nowadays people tune out.

-Wait a second.

-What?

-Do you think anybody remembers the issues when there's a debate?

When was the last time any human being, any American, watch the debate and went,

-"Oh, God! Did you hear what he said?"

-"I believe he talked about fiscal policy".

-"Oh, my God! My eyes are open and I can hear again!"

-Yeah, you're right.

All they remember is Nixon sweating like Elizabeth Taylor after a Mexican meal. That's not good.

I'm begging you, please. I'm like a man without water.

Please, an acerbic comment, would it kill you? Just for me.

More and more people are watching your show, Jon Stewart, Bill Maher for news. News from comedians.

-How crazy is that?

-Let's move on, OK?

Alison, Jenny, your thoughts.

I hope this doesn't sound silly, but the other two candidates are family men. OK?

And, Tom, with all due respect, how are you going to come off as family-friendly?

Well, I could hold my mother's ashes.

I know, we'd lose a certain amount of people there!

-But Chicago, the dead vote there.

-She's right.

As soon as the programme starts and we see the other candidates' wives in their little red suits...

I have to get married before the debate?

What do you mean? Campaign during the day, date at night.

It's like some weird reality show. Actually, it's not a bad idea.

Part West Wing, part Bachelor. Hey, that's not bad.

And here's our first contestant. Your name, please?

Yes, my name is Rachel Tensions.

Yes, indeed, dear. Contestant number two, your name? My name is Miss Sogyny.

Yes, I thought he was really hot.

But when I found out about his radical environmental policy, I went, "Mm-mm."

I like a dirty environment, if you know what I mean.

I want a man who's not afraid to go in the wetlands and drill.

Deep drill, you know?

Get down in the mud and take it home, Daddy. That's all.

It's a piece of shit idea that could work!

-Yeah, but you're running.

-I'm running?

You're running because the people wanted you to run.

Why do you think they wanted you to run?

To listen to you talk about issues?

Are you kidding me? I can barely listen to you talk about issues, OK?

-Have I not said this a hundred times?

-We're going to Chicago, I'm doing the same thing I've been doing.

That's how I got here. I want to keep doing it - I sense that'll work.

# Thrown like a star in my vast sleep

# I open my eyes to take a peep

# To find that I was by the sea

# Gazing with tranquillity... #

You gotta go to make-up, Tom. Make-up.

Menken.

# ..Then when the Hurdy Gurdy Man came singing songs of love

# Hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, gurdy he sang

# Hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, gurdy he sang... #

This is old hat for them, they get through these debates.

-It's like the circus.

-This is nuts.

When I was a kid, I was in the circus.

-No!

-Yes. I used to shave elephants.

You started in the tent, you're back in the tent.

I'm not kidding. They grow these big beards. In the wild...

they rub it on trees. In the circus you shave them with a blowtorch.

Fill one of those pump things with gasoline.

-You throw it all over their face.

-You going to have coffee?

-Because I need it to stay awake.

-Do you have any green tea?

How long have you been smoking?

Since I was seven.

Since you were seven?

My father was a big smoker.

While President Kellogg and Senator Mills have spent approximately

195 million apiece on the campaign for media advertising,

Tom Dobbs has not spent one cent.

He refuses to spend money on media, saying, "Candidates are not products".

Here's the very latest now. Dobbs is running at about 17% in the 13 states where he's on the ballot...

-You want a beer or soda?

-Soda, please.

'..compared to a network show, he's certainly been extremely influential in some smaller circles.

-'We've got some clips. Are they ready?'

-I TiVo all his shows.

'Here's some excerpts from his show.'

'Swedish carmaker Volvo has announced they are replacing air bags in their new Sedans with breast implants.

'The number of rear-end collisions has increased 95% in Sweden.

'A lot of guys just like to bump the car and see what happens.

'Also Pope Benedict has finally mechanised the Swiss Guard and said, "It's my choice.

"I do it for the Church and for the Fatherland".

'You know, it's strange I didn't mention this at the time when he was chosen Pope.

'I was always hoping in my own heart for a Brazilian Pope, Pope Raul.

'Just so you could have the nuns in the thong and the feathers.

'Gom-ben-gal, gom-ben-deng, gom...!

'I was thinking that would bring a lot of people back to the Church.'

-You've got really great skin.

-Thank you.

-A little bit of a tan.

-Thanks. I went to a tanning salon.

I wanted to look like a Kennedy, but I think they set it on George Hamilton.

-George Hamilton. Doesn't he have a grill?

-No, that's George Foreman.

You want to get married?

I need a wife before the debate. Interested?

Uh, I don't know, Mr Dobbs.

We could find a nice house on Pennsylvania Avenue, nothing too ostentatious.

-Little helicopter pad in the back, couple of thousand phone lines, staff of 60. Come on.

-Are you nervous?

Why else would I propose to a woman I never met before?

-But you have your own TV show.

-Yeah, but on the show I ask the questions.

You've got two minutes, Tom.

Here we go.

Good evening and welcome to this last presidential debate

between the major candidates for President of the United States.

The candidates are the Democratic nominee, President Kellogg, the Republican nominee,

Senator Mills, and for the first time included in tonight's debate, the independent, Tom Dobbs.

My name is Faith Daniels and I'll be the moderator for tonight's 90-minute debate...

Cute.

-Cleavage. Is that legal?

-Very cute.

The format has been agreed to by representatives of both the Republican and Democratic campaigns.

There is no subject matter that's restricted.

As always, each candidate will have up to two minutes to make a closing statement.

The order of those, as well as the formal questioning tonight, were decided in advance by drawing.

Gentlemen, again, good evening and welcome. Let's begin.

Mr Dobbs, how would you explain your decision to run for President of the United States?

I decided to run because I'm fed up with party politics.

I'm tired of the Republican Party and of the Democratic Party.

-Oh, a little edgy!

-There's no real difference. It's Mr Potato Candidate.

Basically, you have a thing here where, here's the operative word, party.

Behind closed doors, I think they just have a really good time. When you read the transcripts,

some of the things your Secretary of Defence says, there must be an open bar somewhere!

The bottom line is, they've lost track of what they're responsible for.

They're responsible to the people, not party loyalties and definitely not lobbyists.

-That's why I want to run for President.

-Not punchy enough.

I never thought I'd be saying this tonight, but you have one minute remaining on your time, Mr Dobbs.

Can I get a refund?

We will continue.

Senator Mills, I'd like to ask you the same question.

First of all, thank you, Faith. And thank all of you who are responsible for having us here this evening.

I'd also like to thank my wife and children, who have been

very supportive of my candidacy, very helpful.

This guy smiles so much it's starting to upset me.

I would like to thank all of those of you who made this possible.

And if I may reiterate some of the comments of Senator Mills,

with respect to family, children, wives and immediate family, and the enormously important role

that they play in our failure or success - and in my case, success -

my love to them, my love to all of you who...

-What?!

-He's talking about his wife and children.

-Why's he running on? Who cares?

Thank you so much.

And that's why I have been a very rigorous advocate of tough security measures.

President Kellogg and I think alike in this area.

I am in total agreement, without equivocation,

that security measures have got to remain tough.

APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Mr Dobbs, what would your position be on national security?

-Come on.

-Go on, Tom, go for it.

-I believe some of these measures are already tough.

If you've ever been through passport control, you stand in line with thousands of people, eventually

you get to an immigration officer, behind bullet-proof glass, who takes your passport.

He looks at your picture, looks back at you, says, "Why did you have your hair cut?"

"I don't know, I felt good about myself."

They have a video camera that takes a picture then compares it to your previous picture.

-They're very tough about that. They're very sceptical.

-He's got to make his move.

-More oomph.

Meanwhile, at the southern borders of our country, four million illegal aliens are crossing the border

with bedroom sets and night tables.

-Hit 'em again.

-We're trying to re-enter the country legally,

and they ask you tough questions like, "Where have you been? Why?" You start to doubt yourself.

"I forgot why I was there. I guess it was pleasure.

"It was a vacation. I'm sorry, I took a vacation! I don't know why!"

And then...

APPLAUSE

The next thing you know, they're patting down an 85-year-old lady in a walker.

Listen, if there's an 85-year-old lady in a walker and she's a terrorist,

basically, game's over, folks.

And when they start to put on that rubber glove and look at me, I'm going, "OK..."

"Maybe we should have dinner first before we do this."

I'm saying let's have real security, not just the illusion of security.

Whoa! Yeah.

-I fully support hydrogen cars.

-That's weird - you're backed by oil companies.

-You'll have your turn, Mr Dobbs.

-Sorry.

As I was saying, some of my colleagues

and I in the Senate have come up with an interesting strategy...

If you're in bed with oil companies, how can you talk about fuel efficiency?

-It's like being a kosher pig farmer.

-He's getting angry.

-This is not your talk show, Mr Dobbs.

-And you're not on your private plane, flying to the golf

-vacation you took with the three heads of the major oil corporations.

-Wow.

It's like something I never saw before.

..or did you fly in in that lovely helium plane?

-Mr Dobbs, you have to return to your podium!

-That's a blimp, I'm sorry.

No smoking in the hydrogen. Boom! Hindenburg!

-Mr Dobbs, please...

-Of course he's for hydrogen. It'll take 30 years to develop.

Meanwhile, we haven't got any more fuel efficiency.

We're not exploring alternative fuels like methane. I know it's hard to hold a chicken over the gas tank.

-Or ethanol, which is basically fuel alcohol.

-Mr Dobbs...

If you get stopped by the police, say, "My car's been drinking, not me!"

Or maybe helium, because if you have a helium car...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

If you have a helium car and you get rear-ended. "Hey, something's wrong!"

Mr Dobbs, you have got to return to your podium.

-Can we get some order here?

-Some order?

You talk about responsibility - what about you?

Your Treasury Department lost 28 million! They can't account for it.

Please, return to your podium.

Tell me that you are not receiving major campaign finance contributions from oil companies.

-Boom!

-I don't take kindly to you calling me a liar, Mr Dobbs.

If this is a debate, you should answer questions honestly.

You should be accountable for who you are.

The voters should know what you represent.

If you represent special-interest groups, maybe we should be like NASCAR.

We'd be in the Senate with our suits on, and if you're backed by something,

it'd be little patches like they wear in NASCAR.

"Vioxx - the backaches end, the heart attacks begin."

Put the big one on the back. "Enron - we take your money and run."

Smack down!

It's all about accountability...

We have a format that we agreed upon, may I remind you...

For God's sakes. We got some real trouble here. Standby on three. Take three.

..and the airlines are...

Faith, can you hear me?

Can you get control of this, please? Get control of this!

We deal in weapons of mass distraction. They push your buttons.

He's talking about hydrogen fuel.

He wants an amendment to the Constitution on flag-burning.

It's an emotional issue! They talk about desecration of the flag.

But if you go online right now, you can buy flag underwear!

-Wow!

-You can see an old lady wearing a flag thong and go, "Grandma, don't tell me where Old Glory is!"

It's all about distractions!

-Mr Dobbs...

-No, no, Mr Kellogg. Mr Kellogg wants to pass an amendment against same-sex marriage!

-You're out of line...

-Anybody who's ever been married knows it's always the same sex!

-Mr Dobbs!

-They don't know what to do.

-What's up with that?

-Mr Dobbs, please...

-It's a distraction!

They point over here, they point over there. They want you not to know.

You don't need an amendment on burning the flag.

Make it out of asbestos - no-one will want to touch it!

Please do not make a mockery of this process. Return to your podium.

-It's been a mockery a long time before I came here, Faith.

-Mr Dobbs!

Now we got applause. This is wonderful(!)

We're out of control. We're absolutely out of control.

-You want 1 billion? You can buy a few books!

-Mr Dobbs!

'It's hard to say how voters will react to Tom Dobbs.'

Either he's a hot dog or the genuine article.

He did make some issues come home to people.

If he could follow through, he may have scored points tonight.

Good point. But this wasn't just funny in the abstract, it was very pointed and very to the point.

He was making political points through comedy, and I thought it was incredible entertainment.

How good the politics is, we'll have to wait and see.

It's going to be difficult to assess how the American public will respond

to the level of undisciplined behaviour Tom Dobbs exhibited.

I'm feeling good. Almost euphoric.

Jack. Excuse me. Can you go see Tom right away?

He thinks he screwed up.

Yeah, I'm euphoric, he thinks he screwed up!

Who gives a shit what talking heads think? Different is good.

When I first saw you, I liked you because you were different. New.

You talked too fast. Couldn't understand you half the time.

But you were fresh.

These politicians today look like they're borrowed from the wax museum.

They're already in their suits, waiting to be buried.

You wanna be like them? Waste of time. You wanna be different.

All bets are off.

You're a good candidate, Tom.

As loony as that seems. But...

What?

You could be...an even better one.

Are you all right?

-What's wrong?

-I'm just...a little short of breath.

Let's get you to the hospital.

It's his emphysema.

The doctors say he has a problem with the enlargement of his heart, but he's stable.

There seems to be a link between smoking and heart disease. Or am I just making that up?

This'll be the first time I'll be in front of an audience without him.

You do what you did tonight and things could get really interesting.

The old bastard's right. Look at that.

You gotta be different to make an impression. I'm shaking it up there.

Forget trying to be presidential.

You end up looking like them - another stiff in a suit.

I gotta play my game.

They thought I was wild in the debate?

Watch me the next two weeks.

I'm back.

How do you answer the allegations that you were arrested for smoking marijuana?

I was, yes. I did inhale, because I thought, "What the hell? It's lit, to my hand, I'll inhale it."

-You're not denying these charges?

-Not at all. I was 25, I was stoned. I was on everything but skates.

-Do you think it'll affect the campaign?

-Not really. You wanna know my history?

When I was a young boy, I used to look at pictures of naked ladies. Hence, my right hand is very strong.

I touched myself more than a third base coach. At 17 years old, I beat up a guy.

When I was 21, I went to a prostitute.

I was so bad she gave me a refund.

I once had a blind date that I left in the theatre. I felt so bad, I married her.

That's my ex-wife, who I am not on good terms with. I just farted a while back there.

If you find any other nonsense to talk about, I'll be glad to discuss it. Full disclosure.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's now time for the campaign.

It's gonna be a whole new ball game, so brace yourselves, people.

Are you tired of the Democratic Party?

Are you tired of the Republican Party?

Are you tired of a Congress that does nothing?

Are you tired...

of having twice as many lobbyists as they've ever had before?

Then I...I have an idea. Don't vote for the congressmen or senators.

-You don't have to vote. Know how we're gonna pick 'em?

-No!

The same way we pick a jury.

You'll get a more interesting cross-section than the folks you got right now. I guarantee it.

Do you want a better healthcare system?

You have an HMO that says, "We'll give you Viagra, but we won't pay for glasses."

You can have a hard-on, but you can't see where to put it.

-We're gonna change it, aren't we?

-Yeah!

-Yeah!

We're not just talking liberal or conservative. Big-time change.

Recently, a lot of the past administrations said

it's "unpatriotic" to question the government.

If it was unpatriotic to question the government, we'd still be English.

The Boston Tea Party wasn't people going, "Oh, hello."

It was a lot of guys going, "Here's your tea, right here!" I'm tired of the Democratic Party.

I'm tired of the Republican Party.

We're talking about freedom of speech.

It also comes down to freedom of religion.

Practising any religion you want, anytime, anywhere.

You could be Bewish - Jewish and Buddhist.

You wait for things to go on sale. That's OK. We're talking about freedom of religion.

Occasionally, religion crosses over. You have people saying,

"You must teach intelligent design." Look at the human body.

Intelligent? I find it more interesting.

You have a waste-processing plant next to a recreation area.

They always attack environmentalists.

"You're a tree-hugger." I go, "No, I've done more than hug a tree."

"If you find the right naughty pine, you're gonna have a good night."

"Who's your woodsman? Who's your woodsman?"

I'm not just a tree-hugger, I'm an air-breather. I'm sorry.

It's bad enough with the squirrels going, "Please help me. I can't breathe today."

If you put enough chemicals in the water, you'll be fishing,

going, "You know, Bob, I love catching them two-headed bass."

"They're good eating once you get past the tumors."

I'm tired of the Democratic Party. Now I'm tired of the Republican Party.

That's why we're here. Because you want change! Yeah!

You wanna shake it up! You have to be eyes

wide open, ready to move on!

Arm in arm, hand in hand, everybody together, moving forward.

Because the future is now!

Oh, yeah! Yeah!

-Tom, you're the greatest!

-Thank you.

-Sure you don't want us to drive? It's eight hours back to Chicago.

No, I just want to be alone with my Barry White tapes.

Tom, the doctors say that Jack's pretty weak, so he could doze off before all the results are in.

What's new? He used to do that during my act.

Hey, pick up a couple of cartons of cigarettes for Menken.

-They're cheaper on the road.

-You're so thoughtful.

It's my middle name.

Compassion.

'The exit polls are very close.

'Kellogg and Mills are running about even, with Dobbs at around' 17% of the vote.

As you can see, President Kellogg is winning by a small margin over Senator Mills

in Rhode Island, Connecticut and Massachusetts.

But in all three states, the numbers are very close.

See these numbers? The computer glitch is happening the same way.

It looks as if Delaware now is going to President Kellogg by a very close margin.

-What do you mean, it's not computing right?

-It's not. Something's wrong.

'An unusual turn of events in Virginia.

'With now 87% of the vote in, comedian Tom Dobbs is leading.

'That will surprise more than a few of the experts.

'The Dobbs numbers have been increasing since the last debate.

'Most of the polls had him with 10-11%.

'So, if this vote holds true in Virginia, Dobbs is going to surprise a lot of people.'

Yeah!

Ding-dong! Ready for your pina colonic?

-What are you doing here?

-Thought I'd spend the evening with someone who gets on my nerves.

How about Virginia?

Virginia's OK, but Debbie...

Such a slut!

A little intensive care package here.

-Red wine.

-A good month.

-Yes.

OK. A little cheese and pate, always good after a heart attack.

Sit.

'Comedian Tom Dobbs has won New Jersey as well as Virginia,'

a blue and a red state, which indicates that his message cuts across political lines.

It's gonna be interesting.

You're not gonna win this election, but at least you didn't go gently into the good night.

From all the signs tonight, that Delacroy voting system has worked extremely well.

We're not hearing anything about long lines at the booths or other snafus.

It seems that this has straightened out some of those voting problems of the past.

-Excuse me.

-Hey, Eleanor.

-Have you looked at these numbers?

Yeah. Yeah.

I emailed you. I told you I thought there was something wrong with the system.

I was told the glitch was limited to my computer.

Yeah. What?

Are you calling me a liar?

No. All I'm saying is, these numbers, these results, this is what I mentioned to you in my email.

Why did you decide to test the system?

-I don't know.

-Why'd you need to run a test at such a high count?

I don't know.

-If you found a system error, how were we gonna fix it?

-I'm not sure.

Look into your soul and ask yourself this, why would you test the computer

at such limits with so few days left to fix a problem if you found one?

-I...was just double-checking.

-Do you want to destroy this company?

Because that's what you may do. You understand the ramifications.

Do you want to put over, employees out of work? Do ya?

But the election will be a fraud!

Here it is in the light of day, the people are voting, there is an election,

the democratic process is working. The only sour note?

They won't end up with the person that they voted for to be the President.

But we can celebrate the process.

The democratic process which we hold so dear will have worked.

Everybody's gonna be satisfied. Unless somebody discloses indiscriminately, willy-nilly.

It will appear democracy is in the shithouse, and by tomorrow Delacroy will be nonexistent.

-Now, was that your motive?

-No.

America votes, a leader is chosen.

But one thing could disturb this beatific vision.

-I... I just want to be truthful.

-Perception of legitimacy is more important than legitimacy itself.

That's the greater truth. Don't fuck with our democracy.

Don't undermine our way of life.

Every American believes their vote counts.

Now you wanna tell them that's not true?

But the results of the election will be wrong!

One candidate will win because of computer error.

-How do we know that?

-I'm telling you!

Based on what? Guessing. Listen, this is your project, Eleanor.

If you wanna tinker with it for a future election, it's not only your prerogative, I encourage you.

The Delacroy voting system is your baby. You're a perfectionist and you wanna make it more perfect,

but do it alone

and with an eye to the future,

because it is the future that interests us. Now is the past.

As I understand it...

there's no problem.

And?

And.

-I tell you, they seem to like this guy Dobbs.

-Oh, Danny, please!

So this is all part of the same computer error?

Yes.

I'm going home.

Well, I don't know if she's enrolled in the program, I'll tell you that.

-What does my legal counsel suggest, then?

-I'm gonna make a phone call.

There was some research done saying more and more people are getting their political news

from Leno, Letterman, Jon Stewart, Tom Dobbs and Bill Maher

more than from newspapers and actual news programs.

There you go. My thoughts exactly.

You're kidding me? Aw, come on!

It should be on the news any minute.

It looks like we're gonna take North Carolina!

What?! And Indiana? You're sure?

Oh, this is so insane.

Insanity, it's sweet insanity!

'And Indiana goes to Dobbs!

'It's just been confirmed that comedian Tom Dobbs has won Arizona.'

If I'm correct, comedian Tom Dobbs has won every state where he's been on the ballot.

Comedian Tom Dobbs wins the Sunshine State.

-So New York wants a comedian as President.

-Comedian Tom Dobbs.

Another big win for Dobbs. With 99% of the vote in, comedian Tom Dobbs has won Texas.

The funnyman has conquered the Lone Star State.

According to my calculations, comedian Tom Dobbs has got 146 electoral votes right now.

He's got 'em. There are five more states

to be counted where he's on the ballot, out of the 13 to be counted.

And it's possible, if he takes all five states, that could put Dobbs over the top of the 270 needed.

I believe I've got my figures correct, but it's a possibility.

Not a likely possibility, but it's a possibility.

This is the happiest night of my life.

And I can't stay awake.

Our exit polls have only in some cases proven accurate.

Perhaps voters are keeping their voting choices close to the vest.

Now, Senator Mills has very strong numbers, but not strong enough to beat President Kellogg.

In fact, the incumbent has beaten Senator Mills in every state

where they've been going one on one...

They are still confident of an election victory.

Tom Dobbs has been gaining momentum since the debate.

Now, right after the debate, there was a mixed reaction,

but what we've seen since then is that the public apparently sees him as a candidate for change.

He has been formidable, as we've seen in these numbers.

We are now going to go live back to Election Central, where Chris Matthews is standing by. Chris?

Hold on to your hats, folks.

Tom Dobbs...

Comedian Tom Dobbs is the next President of the United States.

At 1:23 East Coast time, comedian Tom Dobbs has been elected President of the United States.

The free world will now be led by a comedian.

Mr President? Donald Tilson, Secret Service. I'll be taking over.

You don't find this a little bit absurd?

Thanks for your honesty.

Always been a big fan of your work, sir.

Jack, you're the manager of the President of the United States.

Comedy Store to the White House.

We must look into computer fraud.

I mean, we've had problems in other states. Florida, Ohio, elsewhere.

where it's not only questions of malfunction, but also questions of legitimacy.

Are these computers hackable?

There isn't a paper trail.

It's not the way the Delacroy system is set up. Congress knew that.

Let's face it, the reality is a comedian was elected President of the United States.

Case closed, end of discussion.

Any thoughts as to the makeup of your cabinet?

I looked at the IKEA catalog and didn't see anything I liked, but

I'm hoping for a dark walnut with a nice veneer. That'd be lovely.

-What was your vice president's response?

-Shocked as the rest of us.

-"Guess I'll have to clear my calendar for the next four years."

-Can we get back to questions of the cabinet?

Certainly. It will be diverse and include Republicans and Democrats and people of no party affiliation.

I want diversity. I believe democracy is a collision of ideas.

I'm not of the school that if you're not for us you're against us.

That being said, if I had my druthers, I'd love an all-lesbian cabinet.

It'd be fun to think about what they're doing behind closed doors.

Thank you, everyone. We're on our way to Washington.

Wish us luck. It'll be an adventure, and you're all part of it.

-Hello?

-Hey, Ellie. Sorry, I didn't see you there.

Maybe if you paid more attention instead of daydreaming.

Sorry. Just give me a cappuccino, please.

Sure.

-Hey, Angus. Cappuccino.

-Can't you see he's busy getting mine now?

I was just giving him my order. It's not a big deal.

-It's really not a big deal.

-Well, apparently it is, cos this is taking forever. It's forever.

-Hold your horses.

-Hey, Angus, do you have any of those cookies I like?

-God, can you please just let me get my cappuccino?!

-OK.

Didn't realise you were such a bitch.

Anytime during this millennium would be terrific. Thanks.

-Cappuccino?

-Yes. Thanks.

Oh! Ow. Ow. Oh.

Shit.

Shit. Shit.

-Eleanor, let me give you a hand.

-I got it.

-Just let me take care of it for you.

-I got it. I got it!

-It's no...

-I got it!

I got it.

-OK.

-I got it.

I got it. I got it.

-Who stole my purse?

-Ellie.

Ellie, it's right here.

Did you empty out my purse?

Did you touch my things?

-No!

-You touched my things.

I can't believe you touched my things.

-Ellie, I didn't.

-You touched my things.

What is wrong with you?

He went through my things!

Dammit!

I made a mess.

I've made a mess.

I've made such a mess. I've made such a mess. But it's my mess!

It's my mess and I'll clean it up.

OK.

I'm gonna clean up my mess. It's my mess. It's my mess.

I'm gonna clean it up. It's my mess, my mess...

Ellie? Do you want me to get some help?

-My mess.

-Can someone call 911?

We have a deadline. In terms of appointments, there are roughly 7-8,000, slots to be filled,

1,500 of which will require Senate confirmation.

7-8,000? Do we know that many incompetent people?

-Well, in LA, maybe.

-Oh, and over 400 just for core White House staff.

We have to announce 14 cabinet secretary positions, or at least float some of your possible choices.

Just off the top of my head, I was thinking Bruce Springsteen as Secretary of State.

Joke.

Little one. Little joke. Sorry. I'm just a little nervous, guys.

I do care. Phew, hope this works.

Oh, it'll work.

I think.

Thank you. Sorry I'm late. My horse pulled up lame.

Thank you. Nice tie.

President-elect Tom Dobbs paid an impromptu visit to Congress and,

literally, brought down the House with laughter.

'As word spread quickly, more and more members of Congress

'left their offices to see Dobbs' costumed visit firsthand.'

That reception was extraordinary.

I will try and be brief, cos I know Tuesday's bingo day in Congress.

It should be duly noted, Chairman, that this not a scheduled visit, it is not on the docket for today,

it's not really official, so no rules have been violated, it's just our little secret.

Between you, me and the world media.

I also have some disturbing news.

I took a brief poll, and one third of Congressmen and women thought this was still the present fashion.

Other third thought I looked like former First Lady Barbara Bush.

I'm looking at the toxology report. It's overwhelming.

She's got Benzedrine, morphine, codeine, cocaine, GHB, Talwin...

Historians have written that our founding fathers were brilliant and

courageous men, but they sometimes made difficult decisions, sometimes had to pass unpopular legislation.

What will they think about us in some years from now?

What will they write about this Congress? Will they say that you're brave and brilliant?

Courageous?

Will your legacy be as extraordinary as theirs?

We have a lot to live up to.

I think we can do it.

I KNOW we can do it.

You can't just say it didn't happen.

When have you ever known me to ever take any kind of drugs?

I'm even afraid of NyQuil.

I got a promotion.

They're sending me to Ireland.

Oh, Danny.

-What?

-They're just trying to pay you off!

They just don't want you talking about the computer problems.

Gotta let people know the election's a fraud.

-Do you think anybody'll believe you?

-Sure. Why not?

-Maybe because you flipped out and you're in a hospital and you've been doing drugs?

-I don't do drugs.

-Cocaine.

-I don't do drugs. I don't do drugs. I don't!

Who believes you? Who's gonna believe you?

..Inner cities, infrastructure, environmental issues.

-That's what's before us.

-He will.

Talk to me, baby, talk to me.

'Drive 0.4 miles, then turn left.'

OK.

FBI. FBI.

FBI.

FBI.

FBI.

I am now the manager of the president-elect of the United States.

15% of the President's salary is nothing compared to what Dobbs normally makes on a yearly basis.

This is a monetary sacrifice I am willing to make since

I am now the first show business manager ever to handle a president.

# The way you wear your hat

# The way you sip your tea

# In memory of all that... #

Oh, I wish I could walk.

Oh, man.

Happy birthday, Mr Menken.

Eleanor Green, FBI.

Hi. Eleanor Green, FBI.

Everything all right?

Oh, just fine. Just fine.

I'm just here just making sure everything's...secured.

I probably shouldn't have introduced myself. I'm sorry, that was...out of place.

No, you have to.

Anyway, happy birthday again.

Again? Did another year just pass?

I taught Tom everything he knows about comedy.

-Except how to be funny.

-I can see that.

A put-down from the FBI.

No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it.

Please. It's all right. He's only annoying when he's happy.

It's an old Irish tradition.

-You want to dance?

-I don't dance.

They didn't teach you to dance at the FBI?

J Edgar Hoover was a wonderful dancer. Fat, but light on his feet.

Could we just talk and not move?

Sure.

PIANO MUSIC STARTS

So, what do you do when you're not pretending to be an FBI agent?

-It's that apparent?

-Yeah.

You're not concerned?

-Me crashing the party?

-Please.

I've played in clubs for years.

Had to deal with drunks, hecklers, and angry waitresses, one of which is my ex-wife.

I have an eye for that kind of thing and you wouldn't be on my dangerous list.

Good. That's good.

Yeah. Besides, Secret Service already flagged you and I said you were OK.

-Too fast?

-No, I'm fine.

No, I'm...

So, what do you really do?

Um... Well, I did work for

Delacroy Voting Systems.

But they had cutbacks.

-I... Laid off.

-Laid off?

I thought they were making the big bucks. That's weird.

Well, it was a small cutback, actually.

It was a very small cutback, actually. Just me.

Oh, so would "fired" be more appropriate than "cutback"?

Well, if you want to be picky...

-Oh, picky.

-..with words, then yes, then I guess fired...

Fired would be it.

May I ask why?

-Oh, none of my business.

-It is.

Look, you're having such a good time. I don't want to spoil it.

You have to do the birthday toast now.

OK, I'll be right there. Yeah.

-Listen. We're staffing up right now and...

-Staffing up?

-Yeah.

Tom.

-Oh, staffing up? No, that's not what I meant.

-OK.

That's not why I'm here.

This is my personal cell.

And, you know, if you need anything, you call. OK?

Yes, indeed!

To Jack Menken, a man who once said: "If Mama Cass had shared a sandwich

with Karen Carpenter, they both would be alive today."

I... I'm sorry.

This is a man who's so sensitive, someone once asked, "What do you think of gay marriage?"

and he said, "I think gays have a right to be just as miserable as the rest of us."

To Jack Menken, an incredible human being.

-A great manager.

-A great manager.

-Made you a star.

-Mm-hm.

-Made you the President, and by doing so has put me out of work.

-God bless him. God bless Jack Menken!

# Well, my heart knows me better than I know myself

# so I'm going to let it do all the talking

# (woo-hoo-oo, woo-hoo)

# I came across a place in the middle o' nowhere

# With a big black horse and a cherry tree

# (woo-hoo-oo, woo-hoo)

# Big black horse and a cherry tree

# I can't quite get there cos my heart's forsaken me

# Yeah yeah yeah, big black horse and a cherry tree

# I can't quite get there cos my heart's forsaken me. #

PHONE RINGS

-'Danny, hi.'

-'Hey. Where the hell are you?'

'Are you alone? This is your cellphone, right?'

'Yeah, why? What's going on?'

'Paranoid, I guess. I got a chance to meet him.

'Dobbs.'

'You didn't tell him, did you?'

-'I mean...'

-No, but he should know, don't you think?

Let it go. Just put it behind you. Nothing good can possibly come from revealing what happened.

Is anyone figuring out what happened with the system? I'm curious.

I don't know. You know, it's not the sort of thing that I'd hear about.

They'd be going through the private channels for that sort of thing.

You know how that goes.

Ellie?

Good night, Danny.

James Hemming's office.

-'Yes, is Mr. Hemmings in? This is Tom Dobbs.'

-Just a minute.

Mm-hm?

It's a Tom Dobbs.

Is that the Tom Dobbs, President-Elect Dobbs?

Well, did you ask?

No. I was too embarrassed to.

All right.

James Hemmings.

James. Tom Dobbs, president-elect.

Uh... Yes, sir. Yes, of course.

I know this is a little out of the ordinary, but did you have an employee named Eleanor Green?

Uh, yeah. Um... Is something wrong?

I need some information. Strictly confidential, just between you and me.

Yeah, well... I mean, well, you know, where do I begin?

-I know that she was fired by Delacroy.

-Mm.

Uh, look, I'm a little confused.

Is she... Is she applying for a job with you?

-No.

-Did you meet with her personally?

Yes. That's how I knew that she was a Delacroy employee and she was fired by your company.

Yeah. Yeah. Did she add to that?

-Add what?

-Did she mention that she had a bad drug problem?

She had a breakdown here. She had to be hospitalized.

No, she didn't mention that.

That's why I'm surprised she's there. She should be in drug rehab.

That's weird. She doesn't seem like the type.

-Do you know how I might reach her?

-Do you know how I might reach her?

-I guess we both have a problem in that area.

-Yeah.

Yeah. Look, if I hear anything I'll contact you.

Delacroy Systems has completed a deal with the European Common Market

which will invest in their computer voting system.

With this announcement, Delacroy stock has jumped 37% on the Big Board.

Come on! S.

-Yeah, there are two of them.

-All right.

'Yeah, two Ns. That'll get you on the board with 1800.'

'L?'

'Yeah, there are two of them.'

-'Got almost 3,000 in that kitty.'

-'I'd like to buy a vowel. I'd like to buy an I.'

'Well, there are two Is.

-'It'd be a good time to find a letter or two.'

-'M.'

'Or three. Yes.'

Double Gs before double Ls.

Double Bs before double Gs.

Yes! Yes!

Double Gs before double Ls. Double Bs before double Gs.

It's alphabetical.

It's alphabetical.

OK. You mean to tell me that we didn't shut down her access when we let her go?

Evidently not.

-That's smart.

-Her ID's showing up in the access log.

She's been in the mainframe, poking around the code depository.

-Do we know where she is?

-Not yet, but we will.

-'What's the matter?'

-You know what's the matter. I'm unhappy.

You're unhappy about what?

What do you think I'm unhappy about?

-You agreed to play the turkey.

-I never agreed.

-It's not a big deal.

All you do is cluck.

First of all, we don't cluck, we gobble, OK?

And if it's not such a big deal, why don't you be the turkey?

-You want me to be the turkey?

-Yeah.

-You want me to be the turkey?

-Yeah.

PHONE RINGS

-'Tom here.'

-Hi.

-'Eleanor, is that you?'

-Yes.

'How do you turn the music down?

'We're having a little post-Thanksgiving outing.'

'Can I pick you up?'

An outing?

No, I had something I had to tell you.

'Good, good. Give me an address.'

Eleanor! We're going paintballing.

I brought you some camouflage and thermals because it's going to be cold up there.

-Follow me, men.

-What?

-Cold.

I can't believe it.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.

Are you all right?

-I'm out.

-Thank God.

I'm out of ammo!

The president-elect's just been shot. He's dead.

Let's go round them up.

What a pleasant way to spend the day, huh? Killing your friends.

That's all the exercise I'm ever going to need.

-Did that hurt?

-Yeah. Yeah.

-I'm sorry.

Hey.

Tom, could I talk to you for a minute?

Sure. We have to walk away from those who have listening devices.

Do they have listening devices?

No, they can't hear you. Well, they hear each other, but not us.

OK. Um...

Because I haven't been...

I haven't been forthright with you about certain things.

Maybe "forthright"... God.

Forthright isn't the word I'm looking for.

Maybe I haven't disclosed enough, and that really isn't easy for me, especially now that I know you...

I mean, OK, I don't know you.

I mean, I know you... No, I know you because you're Tom Dobbs, I know you, but I don't really know you...

You got a lot of set-up here.

You don't need that much. It's too much of a lead-in.

Just the punch line.

You're going to be President of the United States.

Yeah.

Maybe that's not so bad.

I hope.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

I worked at Delacroy and I worked so hard, and I cared.

I cared so much, and I am so full of guilt.

I can make this a lot easier for you.

What do you mean? How?

Well, I called Hemmings at Delacroy.

-What?

-Yeah. Well, you know, I wanted to find you.

I remember you said you worked at Delacroy.

I wanted to see you.

-You did?

-Mm-hm.

-You wanted to see me.

-Yeah.

Wow!

-God. That's good.

-Well, good.

-Well, good, not so good...

-No, it's good.

Well, he told me about your drug problem and...

Oh, no. No, no, no. I don't have a drug problem.

-It's all right...

-Tom, I do not have a drug problem.

It doesn't bother me.

I hate to interrupt, but the Secret Service wants you outta here by dark.

By the way, drug dealers have this place booked until dawn.

I didn't tell him. He's just making a joke.

We'll talk about it later, honestly.

-It's OK.

-There's no drug problem.

-That's all I need to know...

-There's a lot to discuss here.

Yeah. I think...

This just doesn't look clear to me. What do you think?

-Another 30 minutes?

-Yeah, maybe.

-The wing is...

-Whoa, whoa, wait a minute.

We may have a problem here.

I like it crispy.

-I like a nice crunchy skin.

-I know, Menken. I know you do.

-Just want to make myself heard.

-Uh-huh. You've been heard.

I'm a producer. I've produced a lot of turkeys.

-I know what I'm talking about.

-Yes, you have.

Look at this old C-SPAN.

Congress is in session and no-one's there.

Harkin's speaking about an amendment to a budget bill. Place is empty.

How do you get people in their seats? It's crazy.

-These people have things to do.

-Like?

Like, hello, they've got lobbyists to deal with.

They've got trips the lobbyists have sent them on.

They've got to go do TV shows to explain to people what they're not doing while they're not there.

This makes golf look like porn.

Shouldn't you be giving that up?

Did you know there were once ads that said four out of five doctors recommend this brand or that brand?

Come on. You're kidding me.

Doctors used to recommend cigarettes?

Said they were good for you.

There was one slogan before my time.

"Not a cough in the carload."

It's a little too late now.

I'm sorry.

You like our Tom Dobbs, do you?

Unfortunately, I do.

I see that.

-I have to talk to you in private.

-Now?

-Yes.

-OK.

You've got a great group.

Ellie, whatever your problem is...

What? You can fix my problem?

Is this

the president-elect speaking or just Tom Dobbs the comedian?

-Just Tom Dobbs.

-Good.

Because Tom Dobbs is not the elected President of the United States.

There. I've said it. Kill me.

It's true.

There was a problem with the computer voting system. I tried to warn them.

It's that error that's made you the next President of the United States.

I didn't win?

-Not even close.

-Why are you telling me this? What do you want me to do?

I don't know. I had to say it. I've been living with this. I just had to tell you.

-Do you want to go public with this?

-I can't.

I could, but nobody would believe me. Not any more.

But somebody has to know. Somebody.

At least you. I mean, I don't know.

Look, I don't know.

Maybe it is best that you're the next President of the United States, even if they didn't vote for you.

Out of curiosity, did you vote for me?

No. I don't vote.

To be honest with you, I don't vote.

Politicians will say anything in the world to get elected.

Maybe I'm too jaded. Honestly, I didn't even think you had a chance.

I know it's ironic I'm talking like I'm concerned. I don't even vote.

I'm going to talk this over with Menken.

-Come on, I want you with me. Come with me.

-No, I can't!

-Why not?

-Tom, I can't!

-Why?

I had to tell you. You do with it what you want.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Something wrong?

You guys have a fight?

She knows a lot about computers.

More than you ever want to know, really.

Should I be impressed?

It's kind of improbable, me winning the election.

Well, Mark Twain once wrote, "The only difference between

reality and fiction is that fiction needs to be credible."

We are, my friend, in uncharted waters.

-She just told me I didn't win the election.

-Whoops.

Computer malfunction.

She knows this? For sure?

Yeah.

She tried to warn the Delacroy Company and they hid it.

-Bad for business.

-You don't believe her, do you?

I do. It's true.

I always thought the TV Nielsen ratings were full of shit, but this?

It's hard to believe that many people watched JAG.

I never met anybody who'd say, "Hey, did you see JAG last night?"

-Don't believe her so quickly, Tom.

-She knows what she's talking about.

That's debatable.

So...what's she going do?

-Nothing. She left it up to me.

-Leaving it to you.

Well, Delacroy's not going to say anything, and she's not going to say anything, so...there's no problem.

No problem?

-We move on.

-Oh, like nothing happened?

-Something like that.

If you tell a joke and it stinks but you put a laugh track over it, the joke still stinks.

I'm President, but not really.

This is where we are.

You want to throw it away or go for it?

I never told you which gigs to take, I only advised, but to me, this decision is a slam dunk.

Yeah.

PHONE RINGS

-Tom?

-Eleanor, tomorrow at 11 o'clock I'm going to have a press conference

and tell the American people that I'm not the legitimate President of the United States.

I'm so sorry.

I'll call you tomorrow, OK?

Danny, I told him.

Why did you tell him?

I had to. And now I hate myself.

-Does he believe you?

-He's calling a press conference at 11 o'clock tomorrow morning.

-He's going to make the whole thing known.

-Oh, shit. Look what you did.

I wish I hadn't told him.

I mean, I know I did the right thing. I know I did the right thing.

It was the right thing to do. And yet,

and yet... maybe I've done the wrong thing, and how can that possibly be?

I mean, did I do the right thing or did I do the wrong thing?

I know it's the right thing to do, and then why do I feel like this?

We've got to pre-empt his press conference.

And very early tomorrow morning.

-Press conference set up?

-Uh, yeah. What the hell's going on?

OK.

Jack? Jack?

Got a reporter, says Delacroy's going to make a major announcement.

Some big story, something to do with Eleanor Green.

This is what we got going on today.

They're called the Witches of November with a storm pushing in from the Great Lakes.

That's going to spread in one to three inches of snow across the DC area.

I don't think there's any more than that, not a lot of moisture here.

It's a pretty closed-up system, and it's going to move up quickly...

DRAMATIC MUSIC

We interrupt this broadcast to bring you this breaking news.

We have some dirty laundry that needs to be addressed.

Recently Delacroy had to dismiss an employee, Eleanor Green,

who was suffering severe psychological problems.

We made an effort to get her medical help, and subsequently discovered

that she was heavily involved in the use of barbiturates and cocaine.

We would have kept this information private, but additional facts concerning

Miss Green have come to light.

We have evidence that Miss Green manipulated the prototype of our computer voting system.

-Tom here.

-Turn on the television.

-What channel?

-Any channel.

Her motives aren't quite clear to us, apart from the fact that she seemed obsessed with Tom Dobbs,

to the degree that she actually tried to corrupt the computer system to get him elected.

We also know that the President-Elect has been seen

in her presence recently, but let me make this very clear, we're not

-suggesting any impropriety on behalf of the President-Elect, apart from he knows this woman.

-Pull over.

We're a family at Delacroy.

We have an extensive healthcare programme.

Lots of people have psychological problems, mental problems, health problems of one kind or another.

It's not something you should sweep under the rug, you gotta talk about it. We believe that strongly,

and we make our best effort to find out about it as soon as possible and give help.

The good news is, all the computer voting systems installed in polling

stations throughout the US remained secure.

Therefore, there were no irregularities in the election and our safeguards

proved to be impenetrable.

And that's all the information that we have at this time.

I'll take any questions now, if you got them. Yes?

Take a look at this. Take a look at this.

Perfect, just perfect.

She's a piece of work, huh?

Flipped out in the company cafeteria, on all sorts of drugs.

Clearly a mental case. Hospital said she had more pills in her than a pharmacy.

I believe her.

She didn't seem that crazy to me.

You're in love with her. She could tell you Gandhi ate hot dogs and you'd believe her.

Take a look at this.

If what she says is true, I'm really not the President-Elect.

"If" is becoming a very large word.

Did you forget the first time we met her, she said she was working for the FBI?

She said she knew about the computer fraud, but takes three weeks to tell you.

"By the way, you're not the President. Happy Thanksgiving".

If she's not psychotic she's a stalker, and if she's not a stalker, she's a CIA operative.

-Or maybe, just maybe, she's a succubus.

-What's that?

A succubus is some sort of a demon that sucks the life out of healthy men.

I was once a healthy man.

What are you talking about? Please, please stop.

Don't get off-track.

Can I get change for this, please?

My dollar won't work in your machine.

You're that Miss Green from the television.

I wasn't sure, because you always pay cash.

Did your uncle get ahold of you?

-What?

-Your uncle.

He was trying to call your room. He said he couldn't get through.

By the way, that machine doesn't work.

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir. I'm in her hotel now.

I think she may have figured out the glitch.

Bring it back, bring her back.

-I want constant updates.

-Yes, sir.

When I find her, I know what to do.

Boy, if she's figured out this computer glitch and goes with that to the press, we're royally screwed.

Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

Mr President, we have that luncheon speech followed by a White House meet and greet.

-What do I do?

-Go be presidential.

Will your speech today give us any insight into the Eleanor Green situation?

Jack, I've been trying to call her but I can't reach her.

You have a busy schedule. Keep your head in that. Period.

Uh huh. That's terrific.

Saturday Night Live wants you, weekend update, what do you think?

-Did I hear "Saturday Night Live"?

-Yeah.

-Do it.

-Why?

-Because it's a great opportunity.

Say how you were blinded by love, you didn't know she was secretly popping pills.

It isn't like you were in some side street getting head like, uh, Hugh whatshisname.

You're so sensitive. OK.

-I'll do it.

-Yep, he'll do it.

I'll call you later for details.

It's hard to believe it's been a year since we've

gathered together, but nonetheless we are very pleased to have a most honoured guest with us.

I wrote down some lines for you.

They're fantastic, if I must say so.

I even threw in an old Hitler joke.

-How's that supposed to work?

-You'll see.

Tom Dobbs!

Knock 'em dead.

Thank you very much.

I guess we should get this over with at the beginning, because

you've all heard there's a little bit of a rumour going around right now.

So I'll share the big scoop with you.

because Oprah was booked.

I'm not even President of the United States yet, and I'm involved in a scandal with a woman.

I did not have sex with that woman.

I wanted to.

I'm single.

And, uh, you've elected a man as President who is probably

the unluckiest man in the world in that area.

In high school, most of my dates were with myself.

I would take myself out for dinner, bring myself home, put on music that I liked,

have my way with myself and then go,

"Should I drive myself home now?"

Pretty much the bottom line. I guess If I was in Italy I might get lucky.

They elected an Italian porn star to their senate.

Which is wonderful. There's no sex scandal there, just great posters and incredible downloads.

I think that's the bottom line. In a democracy, we can have a certain sense of humour about ourselves.

We have to. You're allowed to make fun of those in power.

But even in the face of tyranny, there is comedy.

These two old Jews were sent to kill Hitler. They waited in an alleyway.