Sliding Doors

This film contains some strong language.

MUSIC: "Have Fun, Go Mad" by Blair

# Aw, aw

# All aboard that funk boat that I'm about to start sailing now

# All you riggers and all you body shakers

# Everybody's in the funky blow-out

# You know I set sail

# From just around the corner from the Portobello Road

# Downtown, W10 in my place,

# Baby, baby, do what you done

# Till I got bottles of beer and a deck or two

# On the melt till the morning comes and I said

# Have fun, go mad

# Do what I say

# Have fun, go mad

# Have fun, go mad

Come on!

# Have fun, livin' in the city

# Have fun, go mad

# Do what I say

# Have fun, go mad

# Have fun, go mad

# Said come on

# Have fun, livin' in the city

# Ha-ha-ha!

# Have fun, go mad

I like it!

# Have fun, go mad

# Have fun, go mad

# Have fun, livin' in the city

# Have fun, go mad

# Do what I say

# Have fun, go mad

-# Do what I do

-# Have fun, go mad

# Have fun... #

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

Shit, shit. Shit, shit.

Oh, shit!

"Hello, Helen, I'd almost forgotten you work here."

Sorry, but I swear I was up all night

toying with ideas for the fashion show

and I've really hit on something. You see...

What?

I took four bottles of vodka on Friday for my birthday.

I was having a party, so I borrowed some.

I bought some more to replace it.

No use to me when I had nothing to offer the executives.

Could have told them you'd run out. It's popular stuff.

Bullshit, bullshit. We're in PR. That's what we do, isn't it?

But you didn't do that, did you, Paul?

No.

So, I'm out, am I?

Well, this is just perfect.

You've wanted me out for ages, now you've done it. Very well done.

For theft. Pretty foolproof.

OK, I'll go. I'll go!

With all this testosterone, best I go before I start growing a penis.

Oh!

Told you - lesbian.

I really didn't think it'd be so easy to crack, did you?

Oops.

Thank you.

MAN HUMS

'District Line information.

'Due to a derailment, trains will be extensively delayed.'

'Please find other means of transport.'

CAR HORN BLARES

Aaaargh!

Are you all right, love? Oh, it's a bit of a nasty cut.

Might need stitches. Come on.

# She's dragged me to her floor

# Just like she had before

# And I can't take it no more... #

Oh-ho. Ah, Beatles' lyrics, eh?

Elastic Thrombosis. They're guilty of lyric poaching.

They're Beatles' lyrics, aren't they?

I don't know. Sorry.

Everyone is born knowing Beatles' lyrics instinctively.

They're passed into the foetus subconsciously.

In fact, they should be called The Foetles.

Not a fan, clearly.

It's funny the way nobody talks on tubes.

I rarely catch the tube myself, or lifts.

Confined spaces, everybody shuts down. Why?

Perhaps we think everyone else on the tube is a psychopath,

so we close down and pretend to read.

You've got a tea stain...

I don't think you're a psychopath, I just want to read.

I understand. I apologise.

I'm in a little bit of a good mood today, so I've just...

Sorry.

Have we met before? No, no, honestly. You...you seem familiar.

I don't think so.

Yes. You were in the lift. You dropped your earring,

I picked it up.

Oh, yes, you did. Thank you.

Pleasure. Do you work there?

I did, but I've just been fired. OK?

Oh, no, that's, that's horrible. I'm sorry.

It's OK. I thank you for your concern,

I'm glad you're in a good mood, I thank you for picking up my earring,

but I just want to read my book.

I get off at this stop.

I'm only telling you in case you get off at this stop, too,

and you think I'm following you.

I mean... You know.

I really didn't mean any offence. Please forgive me.

I'm really not a nutcase. I apologise.

Excuse me.

Um, I'm sorry. I'm sure you're not a psycho or anything,

it's just that I'm not... I'm not that good at, um...

you know, um...

Constructing sentences?

SHE SIGHS Anyway...

I'm James.

Helen.

MUSIC: "Bennie And The Jets" by Elton John

I never figured out why we didn't make it.

You went back to America. I couldn't afford the bus fares.

I came back though.

Turn my back for three lousy years

and you callously ditch me for another woman.

Mm, I know, I suppose I'm just naturally impetuous.

I live with someone. A man. I live with a man.

I have people I consider soul mates who don't confide in me this much.

What would he say if he knew you were with a complete stranger?

Hm, big deal.

It was nice to meet you. Sorry about your job.

Being a Gemini can have its down sides.

Remember what Monty Python say.

What? "Always look on the bright side of life?"

No. "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition".

MUSIC: "Bennie And The Jets" by Elton John

GERRY GROANS >

Oh! Oh, yeah! Yes! >

-HE GRUNTS

-Yeah! Yeah!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh, fu-u-u-u-u-u-u-uck!!

Yeah!

-SHE PANTS

-What?

SHE SIGHS

I didn't think you liked Elton John.

I...I do, I do sometimes.

MUSIC OFF

You really shouldn't stop like that.

Set a woman back three days doing a thing like that.

Who is she?

She's Lydia.

Well, I've had a dreadful day.

I got sacked. And so did you, it would seem.

Cup of tea?

That'd be nice.

You bastard! You bastard!

You useless shagging bastard!

I come home and catch you up to your nuts in Lady Shagging Godiva!

I am working all hours to support you while you are

supposedly writing your first novel.

How long? Huh?

Do you love her? No, don't tell me, I'm not interested.

No, do tell me, I AM interested.

I'm only asking because I need to know exactly how big a mug I am.

Look, er... Look...

DOOR SLAMS

MUSIC: "Honky Cat" by Elton John

Hello?!

Helen?! Is that you?!

No, it's your bit of stuff.

Wednesday, shag day, remember?

Have you just got up, you lazy git?

Er, no. Er, well, I...

I didn't sleep that well last night and er, er...

when you left, I kind of, I went into a really...

a really, really deep, deep, deep, deep sleep and...

I think I might be coming down with...

Anyway, er, what are you doing home at this time of...?

Oh, my God! What happened to you?

It depends. Which story do you want first?

What?

Well, I got mugged and...

What are you doing?

I can't stand Elton John.

You know that.

Well, anyway, listen, tell me what happened?

What happened to your head?

Well, I got mugged and sacked.

It wasn't an actual mugging, only an attempted mugging

according to the police...

-Whoa, whoa!

-..because they didn't...

Wait a sec. Come here. Now sit down.

Just sit here, OK?

Now, you're in shock, darling, OK?

You've had a little bit of a shock. OK?

Now just relax. Er, er...

Do you want a brandy?

It's four in the afternoon.

Of course it is. Sorry.

Gerry!

Are you OK?

Me? I'm fine. Um, I'm fine.

Anyway, anyway...

Tell, tell me what happened.

I couldn't help thinking if I had just caught that train,

it would never have happened. I'd have been home ages ago.

You don't want to go wondering

about things like that. "If only this" and "what if that."

I mean...

It's done now.

Come on.

Follow.

Splash. I'm going to take you out

and get you alarmingly out of your head on Grolsch and then...

Dry. Thank you.

And then... follow, follow, follow, follow.

And when you've sung all your favourite Barbara Streisand songs

and got us slung out of the pub...

Yep, put this on.

I'm going to let you have intimate knowledge of a lamb passanda

with a double tarka dahl,

which you can then puke up all over the pristine doorstep

of Herr and Frau Goebbels next door, and I'll help you.

Oh. I love you, Gerry.

She's not here!

Anna, you're Helen's best friend. Where else would she be?

Come in and search the place.

She's not here. What have you done?

It can't be that nice if she's walked out on you.

Look, I'm sorry. If she comes here,

just let me know or get her to ring me

or something. That's all I ask.

Like you say, I'm Helen's best friend.

If she comes here, I'll do what SHE asks.

MUSIC: "Amateur" by Aimee Mann

# I'll have this meagre defence

# I was hoping

# But you're an amateur

# I was hoping

# That you'd know better

# But I've been wrong... #

She's got a point. You can't stand Elton John.

That's not the issue! What do I do?!

You told me you couldn't hack it juggling Helen and Lydia

and you wish you hadn't got involved with her again.

I know.

You weren't cut out for infidelity.

I know.

But you couldn't end it with Lydia.

I know all this.

And I told you something.

Something ungoverned by you would happen

to bring the situation to a head.

I know!

And...something has.

It's not funny, actually.

No, I'm sorry, old man, I beg to differ.

It is funny. It's very, very funny.

You're not rushing about frantically trying to find her.

I went to Anna's. She wasn't there.

You're a one-man SAS crack unit!

You want my opinion?

Will I like it?

Of course not. It'll be based on reality.

# Call me fool

# What's it to you?

# Then we'll go out walking by the moon... #

You don't advertise a new restaurant. It's very uncool.

It's word of mouth. People talk.

How do these people who talk know where you are

so that they can talk about you? I just want it to work. Helen.

Hello! James, rather annoying chatty bloke on the tube?

Oh, yes, hi.

You look all stressed up with nowhere to go.

It's only a job. You'll get another one.

It's something else, isn't it?

Sometimes it helps to just say whatever it is out loud.

It also helps if people mind their own business and leave you alone.

After I left you earlier,

I went home and found my boyfriend...

In bed with another woman. Shit, I'm sorry.

I mean, what an idiot.

It's OK, you weren't to know.

No, not me. Your boyfriend, he's an idiot.

Sorry, it's not my place.

It's OK.

If it makes you feel any better, you see that bloke?

He owns a personalised set of crocodile skin luggage

and his favourite TV programme is Baywatch.

So there's always someone sadder than you.

Do you love him?

No. I could never love a Baywatch fan.

You did a joke in the midst of your emotional state. That's positive.

You decide you want company, we're over here. OK?

I'm really sorry, Helen.

Two of your most disgustingly large Grolsches, please,

and a large Jack Daniels with ice

and I'll have the same.

You're behind.

Fifteen?

# I was lost, I was found

# I'd been tossed to the ground... #

Gerry came looking for you. Is it what I think?

Depends. Is what you think that I walked in on him

shagging Lydia in my bed and I walked out?

Pretty much.

Then, yes.

HELEN CHUCKLES

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Hold up, hold up. Yeah?

'This morning was sensational.'

I ca... Sorry, I can't hear you.

'Gerry.'

I can't hear you. Didn't know it was on.

Ready, steady, go!

Who's that?

My friend.

Come on, let's get you home, you drunken eejit.

OK, whoa!

-And again.

-Whooooooo!

Can I give you a lift anywhere?

Er, yeah, that would be great, thank you.

Hands up if you drank too much, eh?

Hey! I'm not as drunk as thinkle peep I am.

Put a wick in her mouth and she'd burn for a fortnight.

Nine Menlove Avenue. Thanks a lot.

Chicken with some rice, one more little Indian.

No. I'll be sick.

We're on schedule for that, but we've gotta move location first.

He didn't fancy me. He offered us a lift. He was just being concerned.

Mm-hm. If he was being that concerned about me,

I wouldn't be helping YOU into bed right now.

Am I in bed?

Yes, you're staying with me for a while. Don't worry, you'll be fine.

Just fine.

There we go. There we go.

'Are you some peculiar, thus far undefined

'breed of dickhead?

'You have two head problems.'

One, that was close.

Very close.

Put in layman's terms, she nearly caught you.

And two...

and this is far more worrying than the first one.

You're talking to yourself in the mirror again.

Really bad sign.

Bigger sip, bigger sip, bigger sip.

Don't throw up all over me.

There are no PR jobs.

I'm going to need some part-time work, Gerry.

What you need is a change of image.

That goes back and then...

it sort of comes like a slant.

# It's a change in atmosphere

# And I've seen the signs, I know

# That it's right for me to go

# I'm on my way

# So when you think of yesterday

# Remember all

# The things we said

# And through the course of history

# I hope you'll still remember me

# And there can be no other way

# There's nothing left for us to say

# I've got to see it through alone

# I've got to do this on my own... #

For you, sir.

Hey, gorgeous. What do you do when you're not serving mad cow burgers?

I get up at 7.30am, make and deliver sandwiches

before I come here at six and finish at midnight. If I've got energy left,

I give my boyfriend a blow job.

Would you like mayonnaise?

You don't mean that.

I do. Really.

So, you were together two-and-a-half years

and you've been here like suicide on a stick for a week.

Nine days, Anna.

For nine days, but bollocks to him?

Yes! Why hasn't he even called to see if I'm OK,

to admit he's a twat? "Hi, Helen, it's Gerry. I'm a twat.

"Please come home, I love you."

Bollocks to him. I'm over him.

Oh, you're over him.

Yes. Totally and completely over him.

No, you're not.

-I am.

-You're not.

Anna, I'm over him!

How do you know I'm not?

Well, two things, really.

You're still counting how long you've been apart in days

and probably hours and minutes.

And you're still reading his horoscope in the hope that

he's going to get wiped out in a napalming incident.

Smart arse.

What is he?

A wanker.

Oh, Aries.

Aries. Aries.

Well, just shows how much I know.

"With Mars in the ascendancy,

"you will get wiped out in a napalming incident."

This guy's very good.

DOORBELL RINGS

You go. No, I will.

No, you. I'm not in. I'm out.

You don't know where or who with, especially who with.

Quickly, go on!

I am not answering the door like this.

Anna, please! It won't be him anyway.

So there's no big deal, is there?

Bollocks to him, bollocks to him, bollocks to him.

Bollocks to him, bollocks to him, bollocks to him, bollocks to him.

Come on, you don't drink your fatty drinks,

you'll never get quality cellulite.

Haircut suits you, by the way.

No, it does. It does, no gag.

Never make a joke about women's hair, clothes or menstrual cycles.

James, maybe I shouldn't be here.

I'm sorry, I'm not being fair.

Under normal circumstances, et cetera,

you're really nice and funny.

My friend Anna thinks you're cute.

Wait. Your friend Anna thinks I'm cute?

Your friend Anna thinks I'm cute?!

-Shit, I just blew... Wait...

-HE SIGHS

£2.85. £2.85 on the wrong girl!

Helen, sometimes we are plonked into people's lives

when they need to be cheered up and reassured. For some reason,

it's your job. We don't know why.

In your case, it's MY job.

But I'll be honest, the fact that I find you moderately attractive

makes it easier on my part. I have no desire

to overstep the mark. Seriously.

Do you prefer diamonds or sapphires? Sorry!

Moderately attractive?

Ah-ha! I knew you were listening.

Lose the sad eyes, the droopy mouth, I could get you an upgrade.

So, what are you doing two weeks on Saturday?

Probably killing myself.

Excellent! What time does it finish? Do you like boats?

We haven't done that for two months.

Don't be daft.

Two months, almost to the day.

Almost to the day? Listen to you, what are we, a survey?

How did one of my Waterford crystal brandy glasses

get into the laundry basket?

To the where?

The laundry basket.

I don't know. I answer questions on '70s pop music.

Last week when I got the sack and I came back...am I going mad?

But there was a bottle of brandy and two glasses on the dressing table.

I don't know, I couldn't say.

Well, there were, I'm sure.

Hang on, wait a minute. No, I could say.

There was a bottle and ONE glass because...

No, I'm certain there were two glasses.

Helen, I'm not...sure

I like where this is going.

I couldn't sleep, so I got up to get a drink to knock myself out.

It was still there in the afternoon when you got home.

You had also that day taken a blow to the, the, the head.

We'd just had a party.

Maybe one of your mad friends like Anna threw it there.

Jesus!

Let's spoil the moment properly.

What are you trying to say? Am I shagging a brandy drinker?

Ease up, will you? For Christ's sake, I'm only asking.

Oh, no, women never ask. They don't ask, they insinuate.

And you are insinuating, not very subtly, may I add,

that I am...!

Thanks.

No, no, no, thank you. Thanks. I mean...

HE BABBLES

I mean, thank you, thank you.

I mean, you know, this is...

the right time to address our relationship.

I mean, it's, it's, it's perfect.

Perfect moment.

Gerry, I asked a simple question.

There's no need to become Woody Allen.

Thanks, James, I'm sorry if you had a lousy time.

Drinking two chocolate milkshakes represents social splendour.

It's one of the perks of being shallow.

Take care, Helen. You'll be fine.

Thank you very much.

It's amazing how you can learn to despise

inanimate objects like tin openers that don't open tins,

egg mayonnaise and skipjack tuna. Are you going out?

I'm off to the library. I have some stuff to read up on.

OK.

I won't be more than a couple of hours.

Would you rather I didn't go?

No, no, of course not. Go.

OK, bye.

Lydia, what are you talking about? She followed me.

I said I was going to the library so I've come to the library!

Of course I can't come now.

What if she's still lurking or waiting round the corner?

Lydia, I don't know why she followed me! I'm not a sleuth!

Please don't get hysterical.

Don't get hysterical. Look, I'm sorry.

I've booked our hotel in Dorset. Are we still going?

Is she going to follow us there? Do you want to end this?

Yes. I, I, I mean no. I don't want to...

Of course we're still going. Don't...don't...

Don't, don't, don't, don't what?!

I don't know. Look...we're going to Dorset, OK?

'We're going to have a great time.'

I'll...talk to you tomorrow.

Right. That's the lot.

You don't live there any more.

Thanks for going again, Anna.

Any evidence of HER?

Nothing that stood out.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

'It's James. Is Helen there?'

Helen.

It's James.

Hello?

Yes, tonight. The tonight that comes after today.

(He wants to go out tonight.)

(Go.)

Please come. It'll be a laugh.

Um... OK.

Great. See ya.

OK?

Yeah. She doesn't want to leave here.

I know.

She's really frail. Want me to postpone my trip?

I can do it later in the year.

It's only a couple of weeks. Go.

It's not that important.

It is important. I want you to go.

OK.

It'll be hard to leave this place.

But you've still got the London flat.

You'll be nearer the hospital and you can get better crack in town.

Hey, you know what the Monty Python boys say.

"Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition."

Exactly!

Sorry, let me just...

Lydia's becoming more demanding, and you feel bad

cos Helen's working night and day to earn money.

You've asked Helen to come on a trip with you,

knowing she couldn't go

to cover up the fact that you're really taking Lydia.

Despite the fact that Lydia gave you an out

which you didn't take, you're having a moral dilemma.

Gerry, you are a morality-free zone.

If I had no morals, would I discuss it?

Whose idea was this trip?

Yours or Lydia's?

You want to get out of this Lydia thing. I foresee problems.

I bet you're talking to yourself in the mirror again.

Very bad sign.

You've no compassion. None!

Why do I bother confiding in you?

I'm your mate. I'm here to help you.

I'm here to help you.

# Bam-bam-bam! #

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.

Our chief weapon is surprise. Fear and surprise!

Our two chief weapons are surprise and fear!

Our three main weapons are fear, surprise and a ruthless efficiency!

I'll come in again.

Here we go.

Oh, wow!

Pass me your plate.

ALL CHAT HAPPILY

I am deadly serious.

Just set up my own PR company?

Why not? You've got the experience,

the know-how, the contacts.

Want to spend all your life working for other people?

What's the worst that could happen?

I could fail miserably and look like a complete tosser?

Exactly, so what is there to worry about?

THEY CHUCKLE

I had a really nice time, James.

Did you? Shit, sorry, that's against the rules.

Yes, it is. Bear that in mind in future.

I'm getting over a major break-up.

Yeah, sorry. Won't happen again.

Goodnight, Helen.

Hey, everything happens for the best.

You'll never know if you don't try.

Wear something warm on Saturday. It can get cold on the river.

Take care.

# Is that you?

# Looks like you've changed your ways again... #

So, what other ideas has James run by you?

Anna, don't do desperate mother acting with me. He's a friend.

OK? Friend.

I'm not remotely interested in him romantically.

-You're not?

-No.

So how come last night was the first night

you didn't ask if anyone had called the second you walked in?

# What I know now

# It's not always a happy ending

# Yeah, but hey!

# Here comes that rainy day again

# Hey, look at me

# I don't feel like cryin'

# No

# I don't feel like cryin'

# No, I don't feel like it

# And hey, look at me... #

'You're sorry?'

You're sorry that four of the staff here

have had food poisoning after eating your sandwiches?

They all had the same sandwiches and the same symptoms at the same time.

Are you trained in the catering trade?

No, actually, I work in PR.

You're not doing a good PR job this morning, are you?

I've convinced my colleagues not to take the matter further THIS time.

Now, I have five people's work to do.

'Sorry?'

Helen delivers sandwiches to your office?

Yes, and today I had reason to summon her.

Well, I made up a reason, to be brutally honest.

She's quite pretty in a British, horsey way.

What are you playing at? Have you gone raving mad?

She's not bloody stupid!

Ooh, I wouldn't say that.

I wanted to see what the woman you ditched me for is like.

Now, now, now, now, wait a sec!

I did not ditch you... You went back to America.

I wanted to see

what this girl you have no intention of leaving,

despite the pre-orgasmic suggestion that you are,

has that is so unleavable.

And I have to say that I ended our brief meeting at a loss.

Don't talk like this. It sounds ugly. I've told you

I cannot leave Helen for...for...

Y-y-y-you know.

For me?

Is that what you're trying to say?

You can't leave her for me?

You haven't said you wanted that.

Gerry, I'm a woman.

We don't say what we want.

But we become pissed off if we don't get it.

That's what makes us so fascinating.

And not a little bit scary.

PHONE RINGS

-Hello?

-Ah, Gerald Flannigan, at last.

This is your kindly Uncle Russell here.

DOOR SLAMS >

Wherever you were tonight,

you weren't with me. Helen called,

looking for you.

-OK.

-Yeah, all right.

Thanks, mate. Bye.

Oh, thank God! I was so worried. Where have you been?

I went to Anna's. I needed to see a friendly face.

I've had a horrible day.

I met Cruella De Vil's less nice sister this morning.

-She completely deflated me.

-I know.

How do you know?

Oh, no, I mean, I can tell.

Jeez, you look terrible.

Where were you earlier? I needed to talk to you.

Well, I had some stuff to read up on,

so I went to the library.

God, you're always at the library.

I'm sick of waiting on tables. I know when you finish the book

we'll be millionaires, but...

when are you going to finish it?

I'm going to finish it very soon.

Very soon.

Helen...there's something I want to tell you.

Er, NEED to tell you.

Um, it's a little bit to do with the...

brandy glass and a little bit to do with that woman

you met today,

only please let me finish before you say anything.

OK?

Helen?

Bollocks.

Come on, James!

Come on!

Pull! Pull!

Come on! Come on!

# I've got an aching in my bones

# I've been exposed

# To what I want to see

# The fuse is burning somewhere

# It's drenched in need

# It's where I've longed to be... #

Weird. I knew there'd be a boat race going by

with purple and white shirts.

Sorry?

Why hasn't he asked you to go with him to Dorset?

He has. I've got to work.

Anyway, it'll be good for him to get away. We need a bit of space.

Anna, can I ask you a daft question?

Did you drop a glass in the laundry basket at our party?

Sounds like a ridiculous thing to do.

It was almost certainly me. You OK?

Just going quietly mad.

Thank God for that. I was worried.

Faster!!

Faster!!

Yay!!

-# And to my left

-# And to my left

-# And to my right

-# And to my right

-# And with my left

-# And with my left

-# And with my right

-# And with my right

-# And with the heed

-# And with the heed

HE CHUCKLES

# Father Abraham, heed, had seven sons, heed, heed

# Seven sons had Father Abraham, heed... #

Are you sure it's just writer's block?

I mean, you seem so distant.

I'm here, Gerry, if you need to talk to me about anything.

Hey, that's Helen in there.

# Seven sons had Father Abraham, heed! #

And she's got blonde hair.

There's load of them having some sponsored epileptic fit.

Lydia.

Maybe it isn't writer's block at all, Gerry.

Maybe it's Helen block.

I don't want to hear about Helen.

I don't care about Helen.

The trouble is, YOU do.

Quite clearly.

I just thought of a great finish for your book!

The end!

SINGING CONTINUES NOISILY

CHEERING

Yes, you are! He's opening his restaurant in six days

and he's completely disorganised.

My old company had wars getting Pierre Claude's restaurant open.

YOU did Pierre Claude?

Mm-hm.

He's my hero. You did his launch?

I heard that was a really classy do.

People went on about it.

I mean, six days is...

Could I come and take a look?

I can't promise anything stupendous.

Sure, yeah, yeah, no problem.

You're kidding! Come down.

Pierre Claude? Oh, wow!

You're very thoughtful, James.

You give out an incredible amount.

You're the same. You encouraged me today.

I saw you jumping up and down like a mad thing.

Spurred me on.

I love this bridge.

My great grandfather helped build it.

I often come and stand on it when I want to, um...

Build a bridge?

I'm sorry.

Oh, God, James, don't.

Ohhhh, I'm sorry.

-No, I...

-I-I-I-I...

I know this is an ideal sort of kissing moment.

You know, night, moon, boat, water lapping.

You know, it's perfect

and I'm not not feeling that it would be nice...

..but I don't really know anything about you

and I'm still on the rebound. Oh, God, I hate that word, but I am.

Ah, who isn't? Everyone is.

I'm on a rebound myself in a way.

So, who are you on the rebound from?

A girl called Pamela.

My whole life pivots around her and I breaking up.

And when was that?

1973. We were eight.

I bloody loved that woman.

No warning, just left me for somebody else.

Who?

Gary Glitter.

The cow.

Gary Glitter! For crying out loud!

All my friends were being left for Donny Osmond or David Cassidy.

I could've come to terms with that, given time.

But Gary, she wanted to touch him there. Yeah!

You know?

I went to pieces, as you can imagine,

and there was no Junior Prozac to see me through so...

So, I...er, I, um...

I kissed you.

Yeah, yeah, I spotted that too.

-You weren't going to do that.

-Um...

Would you mind just putting that

down to a momentary lapse of, um, concentration?

Is that what it was?

No. Yes. I don't...

Help.

I don't want to be a confusion in your life. I don't, truly.

But something's happened to me since I've met you

that I wasn't expecting and...

and I don't really...

Well, I wasn't expecting...

Repetition of "expecting," I must buy a thesaurus. Anyway, I...

INAUDIBLE

CAR HORN BLARES

You did remember to take a full page ad in Adulterers Weekly(!)

Lydia, get in the car!

How many years have you been going to paint that stain off?

TYRES SCREECH

MUSIC: "Use The Force" by Jamiroquai

# Ooh, I must believe

# I can do anything

# I can heal everyone

# I must believe

# I am the wind, yeah

# I am the sea, whoa-whoa

# I am the wind, I am the sea, I am the sun

# I can be anyone

# Oh, this world is mine

# This world is mine

# For all of time

# For all of time

# I can turn into stone, call any place my home

# I can do anything

# I know I'm going to get myself together, yeah, get myself

# Yeah

# Use the force... #

INDISTINCT DIALOGUE

What do you mean, you want to see me? Jesus Christ!

Wha...?

How did you get in?

One of the waiters is a friend of Russell's.

He got me a ticket. It's a great do.

Your company's really taken off.

Gerry, you can't just turn up like this.

This is a really important night for me.

Yes, I can, Helen.

It's the most important just-turn-up I've ever done.

Oh, God! We, we can't talk in here.

We've been through too much just to drop this.

Haven't we? Surely?

Helen. Please, look at me.

I'm sorry.

Really sorry.

You're too good not to fight for.

Oh, God, Gerry, don't talk about fights. I...

Good-looking bloke. Are you seeing him?

I'm sorry,

it's not my place to ask.

Is that him?

-Guess so.

-Does she know about Claudia?

No.

I really like her, Clive.

I'm confused. I feel a bit lost suddenly.

Gerry, I really have to go back inside.

Will you come and see me?

There's so much more I want to say.

I miss you.

Will you come and see me?

Please, Helen.

I'll go.

Thanks for listening.

I'm really proud of you.

# I am the wind, yeah

# I am the sea, whoa-whoa

# I am the wind, I am the sea

# I am the sun

# I can be anyone... #

MUSIC BECOMES DISTORTED

Are you OK?

You OK?

Yes, just a bit dizzy.

Too much champagne.

MUSIC: "Miracle" by Olive

# That makes it a love thing

# Straight to the face

# One-way love will be a miracle

# Touching the place

# That makes it a love thing

# Straight to the face... #

It's official - I love you.

Thank you. You're a genius. I'm ecstatic.

Have you...have you seen James?

Yeah. Yeah, he had to go. Early start. He apologised.

PHONE RINGS

Business trip. Newcastle or something. I didn't want to pry.

His secretary wasn't very forthcoming.

Do you believe he's away

-or do you think he's avoiding you?

-Don't know.

-Did you leave a message?

-No.

Maybe you should have.

Did he see Gerry kiss you?

I don't know.

He might be hoping you've called.

Does he have a mobile?

Anna, ease up, will you? Bloody hell!

They have less questions on Jeopardy.

I was nervous. I wanted to get off the phone.

It's such a piddly thing. Hardly worth him getting uptight.

Oh, Gerry called, by the way.

Terrific. That's just gre...

Two months ago, I want Gerry to come round, James comes round.

Now I want James to call, Gerry calls.

'It was the weirdest dream. You were there

'and you had a funny mask

'over your face.'

You had something that you needed to tell me but you couldn't say it.

That does it, I'm taking away

your class one drugs for a week.

Anyway, um...

there's something else

I wanted to tell you.

I fainted at work the other night.

Sweetheart, are you OK?

Yes, but... I don't normally faint, so, I, um...

-Ohh!

-GLASS SMASHES

What was that?

The people next door are engaged in some bizarre sexual ritual.

I may pop in later and introduce myself.

What were you saying?

LYDIA GROANS LOUDLY

I don't normally faint, so I was little...curious.

Ow! Oh! Oh!

Oh!

I stubbed my foot on the side of the bath!

Ohh!

God, it sounds horrific.

I know. Sh!

Anyway...

There's the landlady. She keeps coming up with sandwiches.

I'll phone you back when World War XII has stopped for tea. Bye.

So I did a test and it turns out that I'm pregnant.

I just thought you might like to know.

-Ohh!

-Have you gone completely insane?

-What are you trying to do?!

-What do you mean?

I think I've broke my toe.

Lydia, I'm on the pissing phone to Helen!

For goodness sake!

She doesn't know you're here. She thinks I'm on a research trip.

Alone. Remember?

I remember. Don't worry, I remember. It's pretty hard to forget.

So, what are you trying to do?! Coming in here,

screeching the place down when I'm on the phone!

Don't you know, Gerry?

Don't you know what I am trying to do?!

I am trying

to be your girlfriend, Gerry!

I am trying to win you back! It's fairly simple!

I am standing on the platform

at Limbo Central with my heart and soul

packed in my suitcase, waiting for the Gerry-fucking-Express

to tell me that my ticket is still valid, that I may reboard the train.

Only the station announcer

keeps coming on and telling me that my train is delayed as the driver

has suffered a major panic attack

in Indecision City! "We suggest you take the bus!"

That's what I am trying to do, you cripple!

Except...

it's quite clear

that that is never going to happen...

is it?

No reply.

Perfect.

So, I'm not waiting any more, Gerry.

I am cashing my ticket in.

I am taking that bus.

Oh, God! I'll tell all my friends,

"Never go back."

Look at me. I must be crazy.

Don't phone me for a while. Aw!

Oh!

No! Don't phone me at all! Ever!

It's over!!

Again!!

I've done it, Russell.

I've bloody done it!

Congratulations. Done what?

I've finished it.

Oh, the book! Oh, that's great.

Not the book, not the book. I'm never going to finish that. The affair!

The sordid affair with Lydia.

I've blown her out in Dorset.

I was decisive, but fair. I've just got back.

Oh, God, I feel like I've got out of jail.

No more deceit, no more lying. It was such a mistake.

Never go back. But it's over.

Whoo!

I can't tell you it's such a good feeling.

Well, I'm very pleased. How does Lydia feel about it?

Well, she's not jumping through hoops,

but it's the best thing by far.

By far and away the best thing.

She knows that. She will do when...

Well, she was upset. I mean, a bit fraught, you know.

Obviously. Oh, God, oh, God!

I feel good. Gotta go home.

I want to be home before Helen gets in.

You never buy me flowers when you're meant to.

So, yes, I'm suspicious.

What else have you been doing that you're not meant to?

Let me get this straight

cos this is just brilliant. I buy you flowers on a whim,

in a fit of,

of, of, of, um, of romance, but...

You couldn't even think of the word.

But instead of being grateful,

instead of being romanced, you're convinced that I'm ensconced

in some decrepit, tacky, underhand, clandestine affair.

In a nutshell.

Gerry?!

Are you back?

I missed you, so I came home early.

God!

What are they?

Well, they're flowers. For you.

Do you not like them?

That image of her sitting on top of you.

Oh, God, I really don't know why I agreed to come.

Please stop, I don't want you to touch me.

I'm sorry. Don't go.

Please try and put her out of your mind.

She's out of mine.

It's finished. Over.

I made a mistake. Such a big, big mistake

and I'm sorry. I'm truly,

truly sorry.

This new bloke James that you're seeing, does he not make mistakes?

How do you know his name?

A mate of Russell's works at the restaurant. They're mutual friends.

It's not important.

I don't want to talk about James or anyone else. I have to go.

Oh, bye the way, I've, er...

I've stopped writing the book.

Helen...the truth is...

I can't write without you.

I can't do anything without you.

I want you to come back to me, Helen.

We were so good together.

Remember how good we are together.

PHONE RINGS

Sorry. Just wait.

-Yep?

-I'm late. Four days. I'm never late.

Russell, look, hi, mate, can I ring you back in a few minutes?

Yeah. OK, OK. Thanks, mate. Cheers. Bye.

That was Russell.

I'm, I'm dying for the loo.

'Telephone number 0171 4443184.

'To return the call, press three.'

PHONE RINGS

Why are you pretending I'm Russell? What's going on?

Gerry, answer me. Who's there?

It's Helen, actually. We met once.

I interrupted you faking your orgasm.

Sorry I can't be more specific.

You know what I was thinking?

You're not going, are you?

You wanker.

You sad, sad wanker.

I'm such a mug! The useless, no-good, shagging,

horrible, despicable, lying,

two-faced, pissing, shagging...

You said shagging.

..wanker!

You know the worst bit?

All I could think about was James.

I felt like I was being unfaithful to James just by being there.

That sounds like the best bit. And you were.

He didn't call, did he?

That's nearly a week.

I think I've blown it. I've blown it, haven't I?

I blame British Telecom. One number if you want to know who called,

another one if you don't want them to know you called, itemised bills.

They are condemning the average red-blooded man

to a life of terminal monogamy.

What are they after, the Nobel Peace Prize?

Lydia might be pregnant.

Oh, no more, please! I can't take it!

This is terrific stuff. Being with you

makes the wait for the next episode of Seinfeld easier to bear.

I didn't reckon on things turning out this way.

Everything's a cock-up. What's going on?

To use boxing parlance, if I may, it's quite simple.

You've just lost.

Are you sure? You've been a bit...

I don't know, a bit distant since I've got back.

I know.

Well, there are a couple of things. Which one first?

I don't mind.

Well, the small thing

is that I've got an interview for a job. A proper one.

International company opening up in London.

Chairwoman called and said she'd heard a lot about me.

Invited me to her apartment for a serious chat.

Jesus Christ!

What?

Jesus Christ, I mean, that's not a small thing, that's huge.

I mean it's, it's, it's brilliant.

I mean, it's the best.

Is the blind buggered again?

No, er, no...

Well...

Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine, darling. My sweetheart, that's tremendous.

-I'm thrilled.

-PHONE RINGS

Hello?

I really need to talk to you.

Hi, Russ, how are you?

Come by my apartment tomorrow night at eight.

It's important.

Oh, really, mate? No, what a drag.

Yeah, sure. Sure, sure. Yeah.

Yeah, I'll help ya. Yep, yep. Cheers, mate. Cheers, bye.

Russell's family's descending.

He wants me to go round tomorrow evening

and help him clear out, er, his spare room.

Right, OK, so...

-HE EXHALES

-Right.

Sorry, what was the other thing you wanted to tell me?

Doesn't matter. It's not important.

-PHONE RINGS

-Hammerton Enterprises.

Rachael, I'm going out to the shops. Can I get you anything?

No, thanks.

You OK?

Yes. Yes!

Yes, I'm fine.

I just...you know, go to the shops.

Just... I'll be...um...

-Sorry.

-Sorry.

Hello.

Hi.

-How are you?

-How are you?

-I'm fine.

-I'm fine. How are you?

Sorry, you're great.

Business lunch?

Just a chat. My office is just round the corner.

I know. Um...

I thought you were away

on business.

Yeah, I was. I got back last night

as a matter of...

Helen, look, please don't think that I...

It's OK, I haven't thought. I mean, I-I-I-I....

I didn't think that or not.

Don't think that I have not called you.

I haven't not called you.

I mean, I don't mean I haven't...

not called you cos that's a double negative...

When did you call?

Er, well I, didn't, but I,

I didn't not call you

in the way that you might think I didn't call you.

HE SIGHS HEAVILY

I wanted to call you.

I did dial-all- but-the-last-number thing

and then not... Ridiculous behaviour.

Totally.

I thought you still had to deal with your other...

Gerry?

I don't know, is that...? Yeah.

I thought it was best if I allowed you...

Gerry is why you haven't called me.

After Clive's party, I didn't want to presume that we...

You think I just go to bed with all successful oarsmen I come across?

Sorry. Nervous humour.

Well, I hoped not.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Sorry, excuse me.

Hello?

Oh, I see. I'll, um...

I'll come straight away. OK, thanks.

My mum had to go into hospital for tests.

The results are through. I should go.

Do you want me to come with you?

Yeah, that's really nice of you.

Er, well, maybe, um...

She's quite frail and I don't know...

It's OK.

But thanks.

We're having dinner at Clive's tonight

if you're not doing anything.

You want to come along?

Well, some other time.

I'd love to, if that's OK.

Yeah, yeah!

Of course. Crikey, it's, it's very OK. Yeah.

At the risk of sounding old fashioned, I'll pick you up at 8.

Is that a WILL pick me up or a haven't, not, didn't, might?

Don't worry about your mum. She'll be OK.

Remember Monty Python.

Well, I'll see you later.

-Bye.

-Bye.

-Hiya.

-How are you?

Yeah, just...you know...

Is Gerry excited about being a daddy?

I haven't told him yet.

Never seems to be the right moment somehow.

Come on, let's celebrate with a proper drink.

Bloody marvellous idea.

I really shouldn't in my condition, but I'm really going to.

What have you got?

Um...brandy.

Ooh, no. Yuck! Makes me vomit.

# Coming up for air

# Rising to a

# Very new

# Somewhere

# Coming up for air

# I'm the last breath around

# I'm the last breath around... #

Half day?

James?

Since last night?

Sorry.

You can't tell from one. They can be inaccurate.

I bought three packets. Two in a packet, that's six.

You can tell from six.

What are you going to do?

Is James Hammerton in?

I'm afraid not.

Do you know when he's due back?

I'm not sure. He's gone to visit his mother in hospital with his wife.

What?

Can I take a name and number? Get him to call you?

Um...no, thank you.

There's something I want you to know.

Anna doesn't drink brandy. It makes her vomit.

Those glasses were not used at the party.

They only come out for special dinners.

Am I meant to immediately get the reference here?

Are you having an affair?

Just tell me yes or no.

No. I'm not.

Helen...look into my eyes.

I am not having an affair.

I'm not.

I shouldn't have brought this up now. I have to go to my interview.

We'll talk later.

Are you going to be here when I get back?

Yes, of course.

Helen! Listen...

Good luck, OK?

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Hi, Anna. Is Helen there?

You've got a damn nerve phoning here!

What?

Anna, just open the door! I don't know what's going on!

I'll tell you then. She saw you, James.

At the hospital with your wife. What is it with you bloody men?!

-Let me see her.

-She's not here.

Where is she?

I don't know!

Oh, shit, shit, bollocks!

Oh, God! You idiot!!

Clive! You seen Helen?

No. Why?

Helen!

Helen!

Helen! Helen, you've made a mistake! I am such an idiot!

Look at me. Listen to me, please!

No, YOU listen! I never want to see you again!

I have been through enough for one year!

I stupidly believed here was a man who was different

from men, but it is clear I made a mistake!

Now, please, do me a favour and go away!

I am married, but I am separated!

Walk away if you want, but take this with you.

The woman you saw was a woman I married three years ago!

We separated six months ago and soon we'll be divorced!

Nothing aggressive. I didn't tell you before because...

I don't know why, I...

I have wanted to tell you so many times and...

now you've found out another way. I wish I had told you.

My mother is ill in hospital

and Claudia agreed to keep up the pretence that we were OK for my mum.

As a favour.

She's a very decent woman.

Do you have a mum, Helen?

Ten minutes, Lydia. And don't ever turn up at my window again like that.

It's over. You said it yourself.

I know. Sorry, I wasn't thinking.

I just want to show you something.

Oh, Helen...

let's make sure we're together for the right reason.

And right now there is just confusion

and it can be erased in a split second.

-KNOCK ON DOOR

-Get that, would you?

Of course, if you don't want to keep it, darling...

Who is it? Oh, hello again. You're right on time.

Is this the truth, James?

Permission to engage the enemy, sir.

I can't take the interview now.

I'm discussing whether or not I'm going to keep your boyfriend's baby.

James...there's something I have to tell you.

I'm so sorry you had to hear it this way.

I should just phone Anna and tell her I'm OK.

Helen...

I love you.

Please wait!

-Let me go!

-Helen!

Helen!

TYRES SCREECH

James, are you her husband?

Er, I will be.

We're, we're getting married.

If I could have a quick word.

Helen has suffered major internal injuries, James.

Helen has lost her baby, Gerry.

I'm afraid she's lost her baby. You did know she was pregnant?

Did you know she was pregnant?

She will be OK though, won't she?

She is going to wake up, isn't she?