Small Time Crooks

# Oh baby, what I couldn't do

# With plenty of money and you

# In spite of the worry That money brings

# Just a little filthy lucre

# Buys a lot of things

# And I could take you to places

# You'd like to go

# But outside of that

# I've no use for dough It's the root of all evil

# Of strife and upheaval But I'm certain, honey

# That life could be sunny With plenty of... #

May I help you?

I'm looking for a box of chocolates.

You know, something fancy if you have it.

Is it for a gift?

Yeah, yeah. I want something fancy, but not too rich,

because she tends to put on a little blubber, the wife,

around the thighs.

What about this one? It's really nice. It's kind of rich.

It's from Belgium.

From Belgium?

Very pretty, don't you think?

Yeah.

Frenchy, I'm home.

Who's that?

"Who's that?"? It's the Pope!

I always wanted to see your apartment.

For God's sakes, who comes home every night? Me!

I'm watching Princess Diana.

Not again. How many times are you gonna do that?

Look at those clothes.

I told you time and again, she got all that stuff discount.

You don't think those kings and queens buy retail? Here.

I got you some chocolates.

Chocolates?

You heard of chocolates? I got you chocolates.

How come?

What do you mean, "How come?"

These are from Belgium. They're hand-made by Belgiumites.

Tell it to the Marines. You're up to something.

You get caught hitting on a waitress?

In 25 years of marriage, have I ever hit on anybody but you?

I don't buy it, Ray. You got a scheme. You got a scheme.

Come on. Forget it. Get me dinner, they're not for you.

I got you nothing.

Just get me dinner. I want my dinner. I want it right now.

And hurry up.

Before you make dinner, I've got to talk to you about something.

What did I tell you? Here comes the commercial. >

Frenchy, I need our 6,000 bucks.

What? >

-I've gotta have our six Gs.

-That's our whole savings.

I know. Don't get dramatic about it.

Come on, six Gs - that's all we got.

I've got a brilliant idea. I'm gonna make us rich.

How are you gonna make us rich? Rob a bank?

How'd you know that? That's fantastic. How'd you guess?

What?

First shot out of the box, you got it.

Is that why Tommy Beale's coming over, and Denny?

What would you say if I told you

you were married to a very brilliant man?

I'd say I'd have to be a bigamist.

This is fool proof. Fool proof.

You told me you were finished with that life.

I've been finished with it, but look at me. I kick around

from stupid little job to job. Do you like the way we're living?

It beats your former residence.

You think I like spending our anniversary

staring at you through glass, talking over a phone?

Frenchy, you stood by me.

Granted, you stood by me.

Two years in the joint, I waited for you, and what did I get for it?

You know what you got, you got Belgian chocolates.

What's wrong with that?

I've got an idea. This is so incredible, but I need money.

We need seed money for this plan.

We need 18,000 bucks, so Denny's kicking in six

and Tommy's kicking in six and I gotta put in my six.

Where are those bums gonna get that kind of stake?

They're not bums. Maybe they didn't go to Harvard...

Harvard? They never completed kindergarten because they were drafted.

You're such a snob, Frenchy.

Denny's not stupid just because he drives a truck.

No, he's stupid because he has a low IQ. Come on, outta the way.

I'd like to just flatten you once.

Tommy's got street smarts.

He is street-smart. His brain's got pot holes.

You with the wisecracks. She's got the wisecracks.

She's got an answer for everything.

Forget it, I'm not spending our last few bucks.

I got my end. I told you I could match you.

< You've over-matched him. He can't get his end.

Frenchy, I've gotta have that money.

Yeah, for a heist, pass. Maybe if you needed a quadruple bypass.

-This is a brilliant thing. Tell her.

-Ray really is a genius.

Compared to you, this chair is a genius.

Seriously, this is a plan of a great mind.

This is precise, mathematical, advanced.

It's hard to believe that you're just a dishwasher.

Thank you. Frenchy, I don't get your agreeance

on this, when I count to three, there's gonna be trouble.

You can count to 53 and you won't get it.

I did a lot of nails for that money and it's all we've got.

That's what you wanna do your whole life, nails?

Take a hike, OK.

Frenchy, I'm counting... If I lose it, you're gone.

I'm quaking in my pantyhose!

DOOR BUZZER

You're embarrassing me in front of my friends.

Who said you could have one of my cookies?

I can't have a cookie? Did you get your share?

My share of what? Oh, yeah, I got it. I sold some stuff.

< What did you sell?

A rented car.

< He can't get his end.

I can get my end, what are you telling him?

She won't give it to him.

I guess the candy didn't work.

You said you'd have her eating out of your hand.

Will you shut up! For crying out loud!

All that's missing from this guy is a piece of velvet and a pet mouse.

Frenchy, give me the money.

I wouldn't invest our last six thou if you had a legit idea,

much less something that's gonna land the three of you jerks back in stir.

You said you call the shots around here.

Would you knock it off? Jesus...!

Frenchy, that money is mine.

It's mine, I earned it, and I'm saving it for an emergency.

-But I'm your husband, it's half...

-Take a hike.

Frenchy, I'm gonna get violent. I'm gonna get violent.

Please, with your hernia?

Fellas, I can't do it. It's over. Forget it. It's out.

You said you're the boss.

Would you stop telling me what I said?

Frenchy, it's over. Let the bank lay there. Let someone else do it.

I got to get some air. I'm going up on the roof.

Don't jump, you're too valuable as a dishwasher.

Knock it off.

Frenchy, can I have another cookie?

< No!

I want one.

All right.

Tell me your idea.

I told you my idea. You shot it down.

Are you gonna tell me or are you gonna have a tantrum?

For God's sakes, for some reason,

you're always shooting down my dreams.

Because you get the kind of dreams that people get after putting opium in their brownies.

Can I for one minute tell you about this bank?

You're not a bank robber, Ray.

You got a two-year mandatory vacation that proved that.

What I'm not is a stick-up man. That's all we proved.

When I hit that bank, we were inexperienced.

The whole group of us put on rubber masks.

There were all Ronald Reagan masks,

so it was confusing. I didn't know who was who.

You're lucky your lawyer knew the judge. >

Can I please tell you my idea?

I noticed a few weeks ago, a couple of doors down from

the bank, there's a pizza joint that folded, a little hole in the wall.

It's for rent, Frenchy.

Then it hits me. I'm no genius, believe me.

You don't have to sell me.

I figure we tunnel under.

We take the pizza joint, we tunnel under,

we come up under the vault of the bank.

I know the layout, cos I used to know a guard. I got diagrams.

We clean out the vault, we go to Florida.

Ray, we're poor, but we're happy.

We're not happy, no. You're always complaining.

Are you happy doing other people's cuticles?

Is that the way you want to spend your life?

My mother told me. She said, "Don't get involved

"with a guy from the rackets."

What's wrong with you? We had dreams.

I don't know what's gotten into you. Did we not have dreams?

When I first met you, yes, granted, I was in the rackets.

I was running numbers. You were an exotic dancer.

We fell in love. Your parents didn't approve.

I tried to go legit. I couldn't make a go of the pet cemetery.

What you want me to do? This pizza place is just waiting for us.

It's gonna look suspicious, a group of guys drilling in an empty store.

That's where you come in. You front the place.

What?

You front it. You make pizzas.

With what? I can't cook pizzas.

So you cook cookies. What's the difference?

Or you tell fortunes. You look like a gypsy.

Or make it a travel agency.

You work there and we'll tunnel under into the bank.

Oh, God.

Frenchy, come here. You see this?

See how beautiful this is?

It's not just New Jersey. When we first met,

there was a sunset just like this. Remember that?

Yeah. In New Jersey. But in Colombia, there was an earthquake.

Sorry, but the location was taken by someone else.

What?

They made a deal yesterday.

Told you, if you waited too long...

Who took the place?

You got the name?

Mrs Nettie Goldberg.

Oh, Jesus. For what?

I believe a flower shop.

A flower shop!

It's a little old lady.

Her husband died recently.

She wants to make the joint into a flower shop.

That don't make no difference. Somebody's still got to get to her.

Get to her and what?

Beg her, con her, trick her.

I know - I'm gonna go to her shop and threaten her.

No, you can't threaten her.

< Yeah, then we're dead. Don't do that.

I've got to figure a way to talk to her.

What are you gonna say if her husband just died? You need a plan.

I've gotta figure something. I'll charm her.

What are you gonna use for charm?

Will you knock it off? We're trying to be serious.

Some master plan. You don't even have the lease.

I'm gonna get the lease. That's what this is about.

You guys are gonna rob a bank and some little old lady has the joint first. What a hoot.

Very funny.

I'm gonna slam your head off.

Hey!

Jesus.

The bank isn't even next to the pizza joint.

I told you that before.

That's what's great about it.

Why?

Because there's nothing suspicious.

The only thing suspicious is your sanity.

And when did any of you guys dig a tunnel?

It's no big deal.

You really underestimate Ray's personality.

He's one of the most likeable dishwashers I've ever met.

Don't pay any attention to her.

We're gonna proceed.

Yeah?

I'm looking for Nettie Goldberg.

Who wants her?

I've got something for her. I want to make her

a big offer, big dough, big dough.

Come here.

I'm Nettie Goldberg.

I know you.

You're Benny from Cell Block 8.

Oh, God, Ray. Ray.

Ray, how are you?

You were looking at me like I'm a stranger.

I'm sorry, come on in.

This is a small world. You took the lease on an empty store? Yeah.

I'm gonna open up a flower shop.

What the hell are you gonna do with a flower shop?

Burn it down.

What do you mean, "burn it down"?

< Are you still burning stuff down for insurance?

I burn everything. That's how I sent two kids through college.

That's crazy. There's no money in that.

Benny, you've got to come in with us. >

Who's us?

What do you mean, "Who's us?" Why are you so suspicious?

You don't trust me?

Remember my nickname in the joint?

The Brain?

The Brain. That's what the guys used to call me.

Ray, that was sarcastic.

It wasn't sarcastic, that was real.

No, it was sarcastic.

There was nothing sarcastic about it.

Really, it was.

It was real. I was The Brain.

It was sarcastic.

It wasn't sarcastic.

Oh my God, oh my God.

It was sarcastic!

Fellas, this is Benny. He's in.

Benny. Looks like a cop to me.

How are you doing?

Good, nice to meet you.

You know you're working with a genius?

I told him that.

We're all smart, but he wears glasses.

What's good? Pine, right?

Oak.

Redwood is what the woodpeckers peck on. It's meant to be the strongest.

That makes good trees.

This looks good. This is good stuff.

Look how long it is. We could build a house with this.

Yeah, we're just building a tunnel.

Whoa, whoa.

Or like a house.

A house, yeah.

This is good stuff.

How much is that?

1,000 bucks.

1,000 bucks a box, Jesus. How many sticks in a box?

50. >

My God, this is robbery.

This is unbelievable.

What do we need all this dynamite for anyway?

What you mean, "What do we need the dynamite for?" Just keep care of it.

Could I have one of these and one of these?

OK.

One of these? One of these, OK. Do you want a bag?

No, that's OK.

I haven't got a bag. I could find...

I can't find a bag. You'll take them like this? OK.

It's gonna be a lot of work, but when it's over, we're gonna be all very well compensated.

Who's gonna work the drill?

What do you mean?

I don't know how to work a drill like that.

There's nothing to that.

Whoever is gonna work the drill, it's gonna make a lot of noise.

What do you think this is? This is why I get the big dough.

We wrap this blanket around it, it's fine.

You've got to know how to work a drill like that.

DRILL STARTS

Whoa, take it easy. Turn it off!

I can't hear you!

Would you guys shut up? What did you do, tear a wall down?

We ain't started yet.

What do you mean you, ain't started yet? What are you waiting for, the drilling season?

Do me a favour, go upstairs and bake, will ya?

I don't need any help.

< Have you got it?

< You'd better brace me.

OK, OK.

What are you doing?!

Get that thing. Get that thing!

What are you doing?! I'm getting outta here.

SHOUTING

Could we have half a dozen of the chocolate cinnamon?

We're closed. For Easter.

That was three months ago.

Greek Easter.

That was two months ago.

Chinese Easter. We're closed, OK.

I'd like a cookie for my daughter, please.

Honey, what kind do you want?

All right, all right.

Have a cookie, take a cookie.

Here you go.

How are you doing?

Oh, hi.

Are you still open?

Yeah, sure. Sure.

BANGING AND CRASHING

Give me two cherry cinnamon.

Cherry cinnamon, right.

New here, huh?

Just opened today, yeah.

What's all that noise in the back?

That's the cookie press.

It needs oil.

There's a slight leak.

This is the plumber.

I'm the plumber. There's a tiny leak. Excuse me.

What do I owe you?

No charge, no charge.

Thanks a lot. Take it easy.

I've got to get some sandbags.

The cookies are 85 cents.

Somebody get the sandbags.

Just relax, you're a perfect fit.

Where the hell are the sand bags?

Just relax.

OK, so we got off to a shaky start.

I'd say it was shaky.

There's gonna be glitches, no question. So what?

Tomorrow, bring a bathing suit.

I'm not discouraged, cos I don't get discouraged. >

There was a woman on before, she's got over 200 pairs of shoes.

You're gonna get yours, I promise you. You're gonna be fine.

This time in a month or two, we'll be in Miami. It'll be great.

A patron of the arts.

Don't that sound great?

Opening night at the opera.

I love you, Frenchy. I love you.

You know why? Cos you back me all the time.

Because you stand by me. You know when I first knew I loved you?

This was a long time ago.

I taught you how to open a safe by moving the tumblers and listening

to the tumblers. And you got it.

You're a very romantic man.

And I'm a very lucky woman, because not many wives get to see

their husbands battling a ruptured water main.

Crazy about you.

Crazy about you, darling.

Here, Benny.

Put it in the bag.

I'll give it to you.

He puts it in the bag.

Right, so it don't make no noise.

This is efficiency.

Hurry up.

What the hell are you guys... Why are you putting it in his shovel?

He puts it in the bag.

It's called efficiency.

Teamwork.

What are you doing?

Saves energy.

I'll take a chocolate chip. >

Yeah. Little girl, you were first. What do you want?

Chocolate fudge.

OK. You can only have two.

What are you stopping for?

I'm trying to figure this out.

I think, according to this, we're supposed to take a left turn.

That doesn't mean stop. Let's go.

What the hell are you doing?

What do you mean, "What am I doing?"

You got your hat on backwards.

Yeah, so?

What do you mean, "So?"

The flashlight goes in the front.

Yeah, but it looks cooler like this.

What are you, a jerk? What do you mean, "It looks cooler"?

It's a lot more stylish. Look at that.

You think so?

Yeah, turn it around. It's chic like this. Look at that.

That's cool.

You got a mirror?

I don't got a mirror. That looks good.

Look at yourself, that looks good. I'll show you when we get out.

Can you keep going, please?

All right, I'm trying to figure the map out.

One, two. OK, everybody, hold on.

That's 1.70. Thank you very much, thank you, thank you.

OK, yeah.

< What are you guys gonna do with your share?

How much is my share?

I figure it's got to be 2 million.

I'm counting the jewellery in there too.

Divided four ways, that's half a million bucks apiece.

What about Frenchy?

What about Frenchy, she's just a front.

But without Frenchy, we're dead.

We could get any broad to sell cookies.

I say she gets a share, but not a full share.

I'd go for that.

What if we each get a fourth and she gets a third?

Are you nuts? Then she'd be getting more than us.

How do you figure?

Where are you gonna get four fourths and a third? Can't you add?

I don't do fractions.

Let's not get greedy over here.

Remember that movie with Humphrey Bogart where they're digging

for gold in the mountains and they find the gold and all get rich?

Then this guy goes nuts and turns on his friends. Let's not let that happen here.

He's right. Then he gets killed by these Hispanics.

What is it? The Treasure Of...

Treasure Island.

Treasure Island, that's right! That was a good movie.

The best.

OK, folks, here's the deal.

I'm out of cookies, OK?

The next batch is gonna be another two minutes,

so that's the way the cookie crumbles. OK?

I've got one cookie left.

You know who's gonna eat this? You know who's gonna eat this? Me.

I've gotta put on help. >

Help?

I can't handle the volume. >

A second person, you want to put on?

I can't help it. The cookies are selling.

Gee, I never counted on that.

You've got to manage it somehow.

What about my cousin May. We can trust her.

May's a dodo. I'm gonna bring a dodo into a master plan? >

She's not a squealer.

She's not a squealer, but then we'll have to cut her in. >

The pot's getting smaller and smaller.

I can't cook and sell at the same time. It's a madhouse.

We'll get caught.

Wait a minute. You know what we could do.

We could hire May and not tell her what we're doing.

She'll never catch on.

We're making enough dough from the cookies to pay her.

Absolutely. We give her a small salary,

she'll never catch wise to anything.

If you think Denny and Tommy are slow, your cousin May is dumb

like a horse or a dog.

Maybe it's not such a great idea.

No, I think we could do it.

Where are we?

We're supposed to be here.

Excuse me. Where's the sugar? >

Frenchy wants more sugar.

May, stop bothering us. We're busy here.

I just don't understand about the drilling.

I told you.

Business is good. We're expanding.

We're expanding a little restaurant and a teashop,

so people could eat the cookies and drink a little tea.

Where are they gonna drink the tea, in the tunnel?

I'd explain it, but you've got to understand engineering.

What's engineering?

May, do me a favour. Business is good. We're expanding.

That's all you've gotta know.

How can you expand? There's a nail shop next door?

-We made a deal. We offered them big money.

So you're expanding into the nail shop?

May, get your stuff. You want the sugar?

Take a hike. Get the sugar and go.

We'll call you.

This broad's big trouble.

You think it's safe having that strange broad around here?

Don't worry, she's harmless.

We made a wrong turn. I don't think we're still headed to the bank.

Please! Give me the map.

What are you talking about?

For God's sakes.

This is fine. I don't know what you're all in a dither about.

You're holding it upside down.

I am?

You were reading this map upside down all along?

Get off my back. Can I help it if they print these things like this?

OK, thank you very much.

I've got to get another plate of the cherry.

Can I help you? Who's next?

I'm coming right back.

Can I get two cherry cinnamon? How are you doing?

We're doing something right.

Sure, two cherry cinnamons.

You're new here?

Not really. This is my first day.

These are the greatest cookies I ever tasted.

Really? We're expanding.

No kidding.

There are some guys in the back

working right now. We've got to tunnel under the nail shop.

Really?

Did you try the pecan fudge?

We were just talking about what an instant success this place is.

I was telling him about the restaurant.

What restaurant?

The tea room. The guys in the back tunnelling

for the tea room under the nail shop.

What tea room? What are you talking about?

The tea room in the back.

May, come, come.

Coming through, coming through.

We're at the Sunset Bake Shop, where the lines wait patiently for what

some people are calling the most fabulous cookie treat in New York.

What the hell is going on here?

And you are the heart and soul of Sunset Cookies, Miss...

Frenchy Winkler.

My real name's Frances, but everybody calls me Frenchy.

As one stands here, one can inhale the aroma of hot chocolate,

cinnamon, fresh cherries and a dozen other mouth-watering taste treats.

Is it true customers wait on line for half-an-hour for a single cookie?

That you had to ration sales?

It happened once.

What are you making all the fuss about?

Where did you learn the rare secret of your baking?

I don't know. It's the only thing I can cook.

That and linguini with turkey meat balls.

Sir, how would you describe your cookie?

I don't know. It's baked with nutmeg or something.

I just know it's great.

I just wanna say that we're expanding and there are men in the back right now tunnelling...

May, May, get back!

I can't take this. We don't want this kind of attention.

Don't look at me, I didn't hire a publicity agent. They just showed up.

I know, but it's putting us in the toilet. I can't concentrate.

There's people up there demanding cookies every day.

Today, Denny got bit by a rat.

We had to give him rabies shots.

Who, the rat?

Very funny, you should be on TV.

I am! Open your eyes!

I don't like this.

Come on, you've been digging for weeks.

When are you gonna get somewhere? How much longer?

It's complicated. We keep getting lost.

The other day, I was deep in the tunnel, my hat went out.

That stupid coalminer's hat?

That's right. It's a life-saver, that hat, that bulb.

We'd have done better just with a cookie store.

We're making good dough.

Hey. Making good dough.

It's a cookie store, but we're making dough.

That's very... It's a cookie store and we're making dough.

I get it, I get it.

I knew we were going the wrong way. I knew it.

What the hell are we doing in a dress shop?

It's your fault, you got the map.

All right. At least it's a Sunday.

We can patch this up and get outta here.

How are we gonna patch it up?

We tile it and we get out.

Hello! I'm not a tiler.

We don't have any tiles.

Where do you get cement from in the middle of a dress shop?

Besides, Brain,

how are we gonna close the hole and tile it? We're inside the store.

How do we get out?

You tile it from... He's got a point.

You can't tile this from the other side.

No, you can't.

This is very discouraging, guys. I'm ready to pack this in.

Everybody freeze.

Hey, Ray, your wife's cousin talks too much.

Sorry to spoil your expansion plans, fellas.

Officer, listen to me.

We didn't do anything yet.

It's true, we were gonna rob the bank, but we screwed up everything.

Except for the cookie shop.

The cookie shop's doing great.

You like the cookies. Let us forget everything we were gonna do

and just concentrate on the cookie store.

Look, I'm not here trying to ruin anybody's life.

Then give us a break.

Think I could get a piece of the action.

Yeah, I'm not opposed to paying off the cops.

It's a standard business expense.

I don't want you to think of it as a pay-off.

I'm qualified to make what I believe is a major contribution to this whole enterprise.

My brother-in-law majored in business.

Let us hear this contribution.

One word.

Yeah, and that word is?

Franchise.

We got about 600 trucks and we're all over the country and Canada.

We make a lot of different cookies now. Whatever you want.

We got pistachio, pretzels.

We make chicken chip cookies, tuna mint.

Virtually overnight, the Winklers

and their associates have gone from a small, modest mom-and-pop cookie shop

to something approaching a baking empire.

This is where we package everything.

The cookies have a wonderful smell, a fresh smell.

That's all put on with a chemical spray.

We do that over here.

There's certainly no denying

that he's refreshingly down to earth for a corporate executive,

so offbeat that Sunset Farms has captured the imagination

of the public and the industry.

We wanted to find out what the competition thinks, so we went to

Paul Milton of American Cookies.

The bottom line is they make a great product.

You have what the public wants

and everything else takes care of itself.

This is your office?

This is where I operate.

Frenchy decorated this place.

You can tell.

She's got all her stuff here.

This is an antique.

It's Louis the... I dunno.

Louis XIV or Luis XV, you know.

I dunno how high the Louis go but it's a top Louis.

Frenchy stuck a TV in it, because she's got a creative...

She's a creative decorator.

Very original. How much are you worth?

Plenty, plenty.

How much? Just between you and me.

A lot, a lot.

We're worth a lot of dough. Whatever you see is antiques.

This thing here, this is from...

I don't remember exactly. I think it's the renaissance

or Magna Carta or something. That's where it's from.

Why did you decide to go into baking so late in life?

Frenchy, we found out, can make cookies.

The Frenchy they're talking about, reigning culinary genius of Sunset,

is Frances Fox, who happens to be the wife of the CEO.

< You made cookies your whole life

< and everybody told you how delicious they were?

I thought they were BSing me.

Really?

Somebody gives you something they cooked,

you always say you enjoyed it even if it makes you throw up afterwards.

So, you know.

In a day and age where everyone seems to have public relations handlers,

it's hard to imagine a corporate brain trust that is more

direct and less image-conscious than the group at Sunset Farms.

Each person we met seemed more

eccentric than the last, like Tommy Walker, the chairman of the board.

Frenchy makes the best cookies in the world.

We're very proud of her cookies.

< What are your duties as chairman of the board?

The board meets once or twice a week and we think up important issues like that.

< Issues?

Facts, problems, things like that. Normal stuff.

What kind of problems does an overnight success like Sunset Farms face?

What kind of problems? Last week, the toilet

on the fourth floor wouldn't flush.

It flushed, but the water kept coming to the top.

So the board voted on getting a plumber.

One of the architects of Sunset Farms' unorthodox marketing strategy

is the head of advertising, Denny Doyle.

He's a former truck driver.

Was it you who came up with the idea to advertise

the baked goods in Playboy, Penthouse and Hustler magazine.

If a guy is staring at a naked piece of tail, and he sees the breasts

and legs, he's gonna start to salivate.

It's human nature. If he's salivating, he turns

the page and comes across a picture of our pistachio cream cookies,

he thinks maybe that's why he's drooling. Understand?

It's psychology. It's science.

It's like Pablo's Theory.

With the dog, when he feeds him.

Pablo?

Pablo, with the dogs.

Then there's ex-police officer Ken de Loach, vice-president in charge

of distribution. And Benjamin Borkowski,

vice-president in charge of plant safety.

The first thing I did was make sure the building was fireproof.

Lest they be accused of being a mostly male club, May Sloane is in

charge of public relations and physical therapy.

< I understand public relations, but physical therapy?

All the chocolate chips are put in the cookies by hand

and that's really hard on the back and leg muscles.

I do deep massage.

She's also a vice-president.

There you have it, a brief glimpse

into a corporate culture that has industry leaders

and management analysts all over the country scratching their heads,

trying to figure out what Sunset Farms might try next.

But it may be as simple as what Paul Milton,

the Winklers' chief competitor, said.

You've got something the American public wants,

everything else falls into place.

Or as we in television might say, there's no accounting for the public's taste.

OK, keep coming through with the stuff.

It's better the way I had it.

Darling, could you put the doll there by the ceramic zebra.

< Mrs Winkler? You wanted to check the menu.

Right. Stevens, could you bring that piece downstairs

that Mr Winkler hates and try to get it next to the fireplace.

I want a lot of nuts and crudites.

What did we say for openers? Oh, yes, snails.

Escargots, yes. Then the potato and truffle salad?

Yes, truffles by all means, but I hate those thin pieces.

When you shave it, go, go, lay it on big time.

Truffles are always shaved really finely.

Naturally, I didn't mean to suggest anything over done.

Then we have the poached sea bass in filo.

And spinach souffle and salad and dessert.

And finger bowls.

There's nothing being served that requires finger bowls.

But have them - you can never predict whose fingers will need a washing.

Did you rearrange this place again?

All right, hold your water. >

Don't tell me to hold my water. Every night it's like I'm walking into a strange house.

What is this thing? Did I tell you to get rid of this?

It's a harp. You've got no flair.

Don't tell me I've got no flair. Nobody plays the harp.

Who plays it? What's it doing in the middle of the living room?

I like the visual sweep.

I don't know what's gotten into your head.

You're so hoity-toity.

They're my cookies pays for this, so turn it off.

What's for dinner? Don't tell me it's gonna be little sparrows

on a bed of lettuce again,

because I don't care if I never had anything on a bed of lettuce again.

They're pheasants and you ate them last week.

And I got BBs in my mouth.

I almost choked on a BB.

Can I get a cheeseburger? Is that possible?

Are you forgetting? It's the dinner party tonight.

Great. Just when I got a lot on my mind.

Your mind don't hold a lot. Get dressed

and don't forget it's tuxedos.

I'm hungry. I don't want to get dressed now.

You want a snail?

Are you nuts? I'm gonna have a snail?

Come on, you eat steamers.

A snail leaves a little trail of scum in the yard when it walks.

Not in France they don't.

What happened to turkey meatballs and spaghetti? That's what I like.

Have a potato and truffle thing, that'll hold you till the company comes.

I don't want truffles. Truffles got no flavour.

They're subtle. Only pigs can find them.

You're thinking of pearls. They come in oysters, that's what that is.

Take a hike.

You're such an ignoramus. It's what I love about you.

Pearls come in oysters.

Ray, Ray, Ray! Please, don't spoil my big night.

What's so big about tonight?

There's a lot of important people coming from the arts

and I wanna get on some of those boards.

-We donate. You'll be on the boards.

-But I wanna be a patron.

You wanna be a socialite.

Is that so terrible? >

When we talked about making it, we were gonna hit it big,

move to Florida, swim, eat stone crabs.

We can get a place in Palm Beach.

Palm Beach is ritzy.

I want to go to Miami and be at the dog track every day.

I just know I wanna be as far away

from Frenchy Fox the topless wonder as I can be.

You were beautiful as Frenchy Fox.

Remember, Night Train, you'd give it a little of this, a little of that.

Those days are over.

Our accountants want us to expand.

We're gonna be twice as big next year.

What good is being twice as big if I can't get a cheeseburger?

Ray, please, be charming tonight.

I've seen you when you wanna turn on the charm. You sparkle.

All right.

I gotta go.

MUSIC: "VOICES OF SPRING" by Johann Strauss II

Good evening. Good evening, welcome to our humble little abode.4

I'm Charles Bailey. This is my wife, Emily.

How are you doing?

David Burnett.

Hello. How are you doing?

Can I get you drinks?

Just some Evian. Unless you have Perrier.

We've got anything you want. Whatever you want, you can have.

I usually take just tap water, cos the fluoride

keeps your teeth from rotting. Otherwise they'll drop right out.

Hey, look at this.

Hello. So glad you could attend our humble abode.

We just got back, didn't want to miss the new Traviata.

Have you seen it?

No, not yet.

Nor have I. Exactly what is it?

Why are we standing around in the hall?

Please let's retire to the living room.

I gather you're a big fan of the ballet.

Her, are you kidding?

I used to be a dancer, but please call me French...uh, Frances. Frances Fox-Winkler.

The Foxes from Saratoga?

I don't know, I never checked my pedigree.

Can we change the music please?

Why?

I feel like I should be wearing a wig.

You will be in a couple of years.

Did you do the place yourself?

Yes. They say I have a flair for decorating. This rug lights up.

It lights?

It's made of fibre optics.

I'll turn it on later.

Stevens, what's with the snails?

DOORBELL RINGS

Why don't I get the door and you show them

your collection of leather pigs.

Right, go.

Do you play the harp, Frances?

No, it's a visual, honey.

The sweep kills me.

Finally. Girls, come on.

Hey, how're you doing? Come on in.

Right there.

Honey, toots, in there.

Shake it, they're in the other room.

Scott Steinway.

What?

Scott Steinway.

I'm Anthony Gwynn.

No kidding? Tony Gwynn?

You're the outfielder with the Padres.

Our goal is to raise 2 million by April, then the company can tour

the West Coast and include the new opera,

which has gotten such good notices.

Count me in. I love serious music.

Ray, on the other hand, opera freaks him.

Have you tried your finger bowl?

A guy says to him, "What do you do for a living?"

He says, "I'm a mumbak."

"What's a mumbak?"

He says, "I stand behind a truck and say mumbak, mumbak."

He stands behind the truck and goes, "Mumbak, mumbak."

I think it's too fast for her.

Mumbak. He says, "Mumbak".

I do think they overpaid for the Picasso.

For me, it was unusually mediocre.

I agree.

Excuse me, I have to go find my wife.

I saw a beautiful painting of fruit at the Met or the Whitney.

It might have been the Holocaust.

Are you affiliated with any...

I'm a private dealer.

Oh. We have one or two paintings, but I haven't really gotten around

to building a collection yet.

What are you interested in?

Rembrandt, Picasso, Michelangelo.

You know, the boys.

I think I might be out of Michelangelos at the moment,

but I did recently come into possession

of an incredible Damon Dexter that someone's trying to sell. Is he...

I don't think I'm aware of him.

No, well, he's new.

I have to say, your wine is absolutely delicious. Really.

It was chosen by the same chef who did the finger bowls.

Have you rinsed?

David used to be part owner of a vineyard, so he's a tough audience.

Did you study art at school?

No, I didn't. I often think I should have done.

I studied literature.

Then, inevitably, wound up as a stockbroker.

Then I dropped out, went to Japan, became a Buddhist, blah, blah, blah.

Then I did teach art at Amherst for a bit. Then the vineyard.

What a life, and you're still so young.

Don't let the face fool you, somewhere in a closet,

there's a portrait of me ageing.

In the closet?

Why would it be in the...

Oh, how droll.

Did you hear about the Polish car pool?

Every day, they'd meet at work.

I can't believe this room.

It takes bad taste to new heights.

This is excruciating. >

Can you believe the two of them? I can't keep a straight face. >

And what she's done with this apartment, >

the sheer flawless vulgarity. >

She must have been frightened by a leopard. >

Don't knock it. I think they plan on being very generous, >

and for that, we must be thankful. >

Really? And what about the harp? >

Not to mention the way she wears her clothes. >

The definition of bad taste. >

I never saw so much jewellery.

It makes me sad that I don't have to steal any more. Really.

What's the matter, honey, you've been quiet all night?

What's bothering you?

What's bothering me is that we've got no class.

Speak for yourself, I was very charming tonight.

I was killing them with the jokes.

I got a little drunk from the wine, so I went to sit down in the bar.

Some of them were in there talking about us.

You should have heard 'em. And they were right.

Stop it. We got more dough than all of them put together.

It ain't dough. It's knowing the finer things.

Like what? Like opera?

Like food, wine, painting and books.

Stop! I'm unimpressed.

All my life I've been ignorant. I could never afford to learn anything.

There was always some emergency.

And I was a good student before I had a...

I was a lousy student and I always hated school. I don't care about it.

If I could find my school principal today, now that I've got some dough,

I'd put a contract out on her.

Class is something you can't fake and you can't buy.

I got more class in my little finger than they all got combined.

No, we came into a couple of bucks, but we're phoneys.

We're trying to act like big shots.

Not me.

Well, me. But it's over.

The time has come to use our dough to amount to something.

Like what?

To change our lives.

I'm too busy to change my life.

Doing what? Playing pinball?

I don't wanna wear a tux any more.

I don't like it. I wanna go to Florida and swim.

I wanna be the real thing and you'd better wise up, because if I grow

and you stay as stupid as you are, we're gonna have big problems, Ray.

So, smarten you up. Is that what you said?

Yeah. You said you were a teacher.

You know art, opera, books, wine.

We wanna learn it all, don't we?

I'm incredibly flattered that you'd think I was capable of...

Turning two slugs like us into classy items?

No homework. I never did homework when I was young, I'm not doing

anything that's got homework to it.

Naturally, we would make it very worth your while, David.

No, it's absolutely not about money. It's just that

I've never been asked to do anything quite like this.

I'm not sure I'd know where to start.

I know I got to get a better vocabulary.

Have you ever thought about enrolling in college?

College? I didn't to go to high school.

What the hell am I gonna go to college for?

That takes four years. We want a private crash course.

Lessons in life.

Am I crazy? She's nuts. She's nuts.

Tell her she's nuts.

I'm gonna learn about life suddenly?

I must say, I think Ray has a point.

He could probably teach me a lot more about life

than I could ever teach you.

What the hell's he gonna teach?

I can figure the point spread.

I know how to count cards at a blackjack table.

-Would you close your bazoo?

-I can count four jacks.

-Would you close your bazoo?!

< I don't want to be discouraging,

< because what you're proposing is pretty admirable.

Yes.

I would like to learn how to spell Connecticut. Don't ask me why.

I never knew how to spell Connecticut.

Fair enough, great. You could teach him that, right?

< Yeah.

I heard you telling somebody this is a very slow period in the art market

and we would take very good care of you.

Like I say, I absolutely don't want to discourage you.

I suppose I just have to think about it a bit.

If I could envisage a plan, some kind of starting point.

We could start by building our art collection.

That way, you'd make a few bucks and we can learn something.

But no museums. I'm not going to museums.

The pictures spook me out.

Those virgins.

(LAUGHS)

What are you laughing at?

I'm sorry.

Work on the laugh, Frenchy.

You can see the difference between this Tintoretto and the earlier

Byzantine painting we looked at.

What would you say is the most significant difference?

I would say the frame's bigger here.

Yeah, it is bigger, but there's also a difference

in the paintings themselves.

It's a really important difference, cos it characterises

the great technical leap

from the ancient into the modern world.

You remember how all those saints had very flat faces

and the background was on the same plane as the foreground?

Perspective.

Right, perspective.

Let me show you another very good example of that.

"The frame on this one is bigger"?

Boy, you are a dummy.

Don't give me "perspective".

Take a hike, will you? Take a hike.

28.

-Four.

-Levoxyl.

-51.

U-ni-ty.

87. 19.

MOANING

-Four.

-Red-du-tem-puh.

SCREECHING

I'm hungry. Can we get outta here?

You're always hungry. Why don't you try and learn something?

There's nothing to learn.

Listen, interesting fact. This is where Henry James lived.

Who?

The band leader, stupid.

The man who married Betty Grable.

Yes, yes.

No, no, you're thinking of Harry James, the trumpeter.

I'm talking about Henry James, the author.

-This is where he lived and worked.

-Where'd he eat? I'm hungry.

I don't care where he lived. I wanna know where he ate.

The H-eiress, right?

The H is silent.

Oh, did he write that too?

Frenchy, I'm still sick.

I'm weak, I'm weak, I can't go.

You're gonna miss a very interesting great books discussion.

I know, it kills me.

It just kills me, but I can't.

I'll see you when you come back.

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Nice to see you.

Ray's got a cold.

I bet 500.

500?

I see your five and raise you 500.

I'm outta here.

I see your five and a thou.

What do you think of the book?

I thought it was very romantic.

He loved her, but their backgrounds were so different.

Right.

So you thought it was doomed from the start?

I guess, cos he wound up dead, but I think that

two people from different backgrounds can make it

if the juice is there.

Right. Sorry, juice is...?

You know, hots.

Right.

Wine, would you like some wine?

I brought over a bottle of Chateau Margaux.

That's brilliant, because we can compare that to my Clos de la Roche,

and you can see the difference between a Bordeaux and a Burgundy.

I've got two other Burgundies of the same vintage

that I thought it might be fun for us to try.

I see your five and raise a thou.

I'll see it and raise you 1, 000 more.

And 1,000.

And 1,000.

OK, call.

Read them and weep, a pair of threes.

Oh. I thought you were bluffing.

What do you wanna play now?

What about Indian poker?

Seven cards, you hold your cards over your head,

nobody sees their hand. We bet on each other's hands.

High, low, maybe some wild cards. All the reds.

Sit down, May.

How about Old Maid?

What the hell does that mean?

Shall we play Old Maid?

Try this one.

OK.

Nice nose.

The bouquet is very special.

No, I mean you've got a nice nose.

Me?

Yeah.

I don't know how to describe it. It's like a...

It's just any old nose.

Aquiline.

Talking of which, how is your vocabulary coming on?

Very good. I'm almost through all the A words in the dictionary.

Right.

I'm not 100% convinced that memorising the dictionary

is the best way to improve your vocabulary.

I can't believe you found a buyer for the Damon Dexter so fast,

and such a good price. It'll really take a bite out of our debts.

Oliver, it's dawning on me

that the opportunity has arisen for me to become quite obscenely rich.

How serious are they about building an art collection?

It's not that. That would be peanuts.

What, then?

I think that she might be falling for me.

Frenchy Winkler?

How much do you think she's worth?

Her husband, you mean?

No, it's all in her name.

She's the cookie mogul.

What are you saying?

I suppose I'm saying that

people grow and marriages sadly break up and women remarry.

Fortunes, they change hands.

What is this?

It's a Damon Dexter.

A discovery of David's.

I say it's depressing.

Knock it off. You wouldn't know a masterpiece if it bit you in the ass.

I refuse to look at this.

What is that supposed to mean?

It means as long as this is on our wall, I don't look at that wall.

You're a headcase.

-I'll bet David made a big profit on this.

-Hey, Whose cookies pay the rent?

I think he's making a fool out of you.

Stevens, tell me what time it is, cos I no longer look at this wall.

11am, sir.

Thank you very much.

David, what's this?

That's a citrine necklace.

-Do you know about citrines?

-No.

They're not one of the precious stones, but the lustre's always

been considered very special and unique.

And that? Look!

Ah. Well, if we're talking about lustre, this is something very special,

and I would imagine very expensive.

It's a cigarette case encrusted with diamonds that belonged to the Duke of Windsor.

I know the Duke of Windsor.

He also married beneath his station, right?

He did. Like our friend Henry Higgins.

The Duke and Duchess. Such a romantic story.

I saw it on television.

-Uh-huh?

-Uh-huh.

Ray. Ray!

What are you doing here?

I'm having Chinese food.

That's what they serve in a Chinese restaurant.

Do you want some company?

Who?

What do you mean, "Who?" Who's talking to you? Me.

But where's Frenchy?

Frenchy's at a concert - some piano concert with a guy.

Oh.

Well, they have take-out here, but I don't think they'll deliver to a concert.

Don't worry about it, May, Frenchy'll eat.

MUSIC: "Prelude in B minor opus 32, No.10" by Rachmaninov

Dinner was so great, May.

All the MSG and the grease, what a treat.

I'm so sick of Continental food every night.

Frenchy eats frogs' legs!

They're supposed to taste like chicken.

Rabbit.

Rabbit tastes like frogs' legs?

No...Forget it, forget it.

Are you happy being rich?

It's OK. I got a lot of charge accounts

and I got a really, really nice apartment and a maid.

I'm still a little lonely though.

Yeah? How come?

That guy I was seeing left me because he was

so embarrassed about being poor and he hated that I paid for everything.

Then I stopped paying.

Actually, that's when he left me.

I can understand you.

Do you enjoy being rich?

I hate it.

You're kidding?!

No, I hate it. I hate the life.

It's causing me to lose Frenchy.

What do you mean?

I mean she's outgrowing me.

She's like a different person now.

I think she's developing a crush on that teacher, David.

Yeah, well, he's very good-looking

and really bright and charming and very elegant.

OK, May, I got the picture.

You really know how to make a guy feel good.

When you're right, you're right.

Thank you.

What did you think of her playing?

I thought the whole evening was apocalyptic.

Apocalyptic, really?

Totally. I really was agog.

Me, too. She's fabulous.

She's fabulous. I have to asseverate she deserves accolades.

Frances, you've been memorising the dictionary, haven't you?

Yeah, I got the As. Next week, the Bs.

How do I look?

I have to say that that dress is just gorgeous on you.

See, your influence. Low-key, right?

That's a very flattering thing to say.

Ray thinks it's Dullsville.

David?

Wasn't the choice of the Rachmaninov inspired?

Yeah, we loved it.

At first, I thought it might incur my animadversion, but

soon I realised it was apposite.

I think I see drinks at last.

Good to see you, David.

Nice meeting you.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

I love your friends.

They're so bright and cultured and refined. It's another world.

It's a world I know you'd love to belong to.

This looks a lot more civilised.

Beautiful.

Let's take a seat.

Anything we get, Cody's in for his full share.

That's how it is.

You know why I respect Cody Jarrett?

Why?

Because he loves his mother.

I understand that, May.

Even though he's a vicious, cold-blooded psychopathic killer

and she encourages him, it's sweet.

It has a sweetness, because I wish I had a mother like that.

Yeah. More Pepsi?

Yeah, please.

This is the best part.

I love this part.

Yeah.

Will you pass me the Cracker Jack?

What are you looking at?

I happened to be noticing you.

I was looking at you a couple of times tonight.

For the first time, I had the thought that,

in a very, very strange way,

you've got a sweet face.

It's offbeat, in a kind of bizarre...

I don't know how to explain it exactly, but it's right up there.

What do you mean?

I mean it as a compliment.

I'm trying to say a nice thing.

You being a relative of Frenchy, I never before classified you

as a human-type female. So...

I was married.

I know. It was a long time ago, right?

It was a really tragic story, cos my husband, Otto,

was dyslexic and the only thing he could spell correctly was his name.

Oh. That's a...

There's no doubt about it, the Burgundy really goes to my head.

What do you want to talk to me about?

I've, um...

I've got a little present for you.

For me?

Here.

Oh, pretty!

I love leather books.

Oh, Pygmalion. I love that story.

There's a little inscription there.

To my favourite Eliza, from your Professor Higgins, love David.

Gee, I got a confession to make.

What?

I got you a present too.

Oh, no, you didn't have to do that.

It's in appreciation of all the stuff you've been doing for me,

cos I know it's a hard job.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

Frenchy...

Frances!

Frances, this is... It must have cost you a fortune!

What good's having dough unless you spend it?

But this is so extravagant.

I'm embarrassed.

I'm not suggesting you take up smoking, but I figured,

if it's good enough for the Duke of Windsor, right?

I'm really overwhelmed.

My little pathetic Bernard Shaw

is so insignificant in comparison to this.

But I just...

I just wanted you to know how unbelievably proud I am of you.

David, this is not insignificant.

Maybe I'm talking out of turn here, but...

you've developed so much.

I feel that you belong in a world of society and high culture now.

It's frustrating, because you should continue growing.

You should be branching out, travelling.

Paris and Rome and the great opera houses and museums.

You should be in a position to cultivate the right kind of friends.

Anyway, I...

It's hard, because Ray's not like that.

He likes to watch TV in his underwear, sucking a Bud.

Yeah. I don't know what to say.

I can't comment on that.

Can I be frank, David?

M-hm.

Sometimes, I think I've outgrown him.

Pretty late.

Yeah, you too, what did you do?

You know, I worked late, and then

May and me had some Chinese food.

What did you talk about over dinner, cartoons?

What are you, kidding?

We went up to her apartment. We watched White Heat on television.

Until 3am?