Bedtime Stories

MAN, NARRATING: I'm going to tell you a story now.

But as any good storyteller knows,

one must first be sure the audience is prepared.

Is everybody comfortably seated?

Does anyone need to use the bathroom?

Oh. You, sir, in the back?

Well, hold it in.

CHUCKLES

You ready? Here we go.

'My name is Marty Bronson.

'I owned and operated the Sunny Vista Motel,

'which I established on the corner

'of Sunset and La CIENEGA Boulevards

'in Los Angeles, California,

'in the year 1974.

'The motel was my labour of love,

'and I ran it with the help of my children - Wendy...'

Wendy, the key, please, for Mr And Mrs Dixon.

Thank you.

'and Skeeter.' RINGS

May I help you with your bags, Mr And Mrs Dixon?

- Yes, please. - Why, thank you, young man.

GRUNTING

Do you want me to help?

No, I got it.

'To my boy Skeeter,

'the motel was a wonderland...' Way too hyper.

The galaxy's not big enough for the both of us.

'A magical place...'

CHATTERING AND LAUGHTER

'Full of new adventures for a six-year-old boy.'

Oh, Skeeter. Come here.

Ohh.

'Skeeter loved the old place

'as much as I did.

'And he always tried to come up with ways to make it even better.'

THUNDER SKEETER: I've got a lot

of ideas how to improve things around here.

You know, I was thinking we could put

an extra pair of socks in each room

because people always forget to pack enough socks

when they go on a trip. That's a good idea.

Now, time for bed. I'm meeting with Mr Nottingham.

Wait, Dad. I'm not even tired.

Well, how about a bedtime story?

Yay!

Now, once upon a time,

there was a little boy,

and that little boy's name was Skeeter...

'Well, I could tell a pretty fair tale

'when the muse was with me.

'And making my little boy smile,

'now, that was truly magical.

'Yeah, I was a pretty good dad and a pretty good host

'but, unfortunately,

'a pretty bad businessman.'

Can't you read the writing on the wall, Bronson?

This motel is sinking in red ink,

and I'm offering you the last lifeboat.

SIGHS

I don't know.

NOTTINGHAM: I've seen the books, Martin.

If you don't sell to me, you're going to go bankrupt.

Yes, well, I...

I'd always hoped this place would be a home for my children.

NOTTINGHAM: How about this?

If your boy works hard and shows some smarts when he grows up,

I'll let him run this place.

SIGHS: You promise?

Yes.

Now, sign the bloody papers.

NOTTINGHAM: That's my boy, Bronson.

Trust me. I'm going to turn this place

into the finest hotel in Los Angeles.

It's going to be uptight and out of sight.

'And just like that,

'our modest little Sunny Vista Motel

'metamorphosized into the mighty

'Sunny Vista Nottingham.

'And for the past 25 years,

'it has been lovingly maintained by my now grown-up son,

'Skeeter Bronson, the handyman.

'Yes, though Mr Nottingham's promise for Skeeter to run the place

'seems to have been forgotten...' Hiya, pop.

'My boy always works diligently with a hopeful heart,

'still waiting for his shot.'

Mrs Dixon? Is there a problem with her room?

Oh, it's nothing you should bother your tiny mind about, Bronson.

Mrs Dixon here has been taking the nip bottles of liquor

out of her mini-bar, and now she doesn't want to pay for it.

I never even touched that evil little refrigerator.

I don't drink alcohol.

Of course. Well, there's probably a mix-up.

- I saw who took it. - OK.

He had red hair and a beard.

He was wearing a green suit with brass buttons.

And he stands about ten inches tall.

So, we're talking about a leprechaun?

- There you go. - Oh.

I didn't know your brother was in town.

So, er, here's what I think we should do -

put all the missing bottles on my tab.

And next time you see any leprechauns, we'll tell Aspen.

She's half-troll. I think trolls eat leprechauns.

Am I right? SCOFFS

She would.

MARTY: Today, magic is in the air at the grand hotel,

and the winds of change are about to blow our story

in a strange new direction.

But what would you expect in a hotel founded by someone

who loved a good story as much as I?

Time is of the essence here, Skeeter.

Oh, yeah, I know. I just don't want

the big boss man to get electrocuted.

Of course.

You fixed it? Let me see here.

FEEDBACK: Yo, yo. Yo, yo.

Check, check. 1, 2. Come on. Yeah, yeah.

- Hear me in the back? Whoa, whoa. - Skeeter.

I say "Barry," you say "Nottingham."

Barry. ALL: Nottingham.

Barry. ALL: Nottingham.

# Barry had a Nottingham

# Nottingham, Nottingham

# Barry had a Nottingham

# Whose beard was white as snow. #

Ha ha ha! Come on, give it up for the big man.

APPLAUSE

All right. Got them warmed up for you, sir.

- It's good to see you again. - Germs.

- Germs? - Uh, Skeeter, Mr Nottingham

has developed a fear - er, not a fear, an awareness

of germs and how dangerous they can be

when not properly...feared. So...

Hey, you're probably doing the right thing. I didn't shower today.

So, yeah, let me get out of here.

SKEETER: Barry Nottingham, everybody.

He's brilliant, him. I love this guy.

NOTTINGHAM: Welcome.

As you know, I own 23 hotels from Berlin to Beijing.

But it's no secret that this one,

the Sunny Vista Nottingham, is my favourite.

However, this is a 20th-century hotel.

We need something for the 21st century.

And so, we have decided to close this hotel

and to build a brand-new Sunny Vista Mega Nottingham.

APPLAUSE

This will be the largest hotel on the West Coast...

I simply don't understand what all the fuss is about. It's just a big building.

Oh, no, no. This is like the future of the hotel business.

And a top-secret theme that will blow your mind.

LAUGHTER

Yes!

So, I'm proud to announce the new hotel's general manager.

He's been waiting on this for a long time.

We all know how hard he works, how intelligent he is,

how much this hotel means to him.

Take a bow, Mr Kendall Duncan!

Take a bow, Kendall.

Boo!

HISSING

MAN: A beautiful speech, sir. A beautiful speech.

I'm so glad you could come.

Good to see you.

Don't touch me.

Well done, Daddy.

Oh, oh, hello there. Do you know my daughter, Violet?

- Only by reputation, sir. - Excuse me?

No, not that she has a reputation, just...I heard she's very hot.

Not hot as in hot. I meant warm-hearted.

And she likes to go out and have fun, festive times,

in bars, with a lot of different guys, and...

That's the old Violet Nottingham, my friend,

before she met me. Now it's up to me

to keep my little Pooky-bear out of the spotlight

and nightclubs and tabloids. Isn't that right, sir?

CHUCKLES Violet's off to her private tennis lesson

with Roger Federer.

Oh, all right. Good for you.

Bye, boys.

Got to say, er...

it's going to be hard for me to see the hotel

move locations like this.

Well, I do hope you'll feel able to come and work with us there.

Big as Kendall wants to make it,

well, there's going to be an awful lot of light bulbs to change.

SNICKERING You know, someone touched me.

- Is there any sanitiser? - There is, sir.

Come this way. I'll get you some.

Can't be too careful, Kendall.

All right. Everyone who's finished at the pottery table

needs to bring their artwork to the kiln.

Oh, and the man with the rescue donkey is leaving in five minutes,

so, if you haven't gotten a ride, hurry up.

Thank you, Principal Duva.

Oh, I'm not a principal at this party. I'm a mom.

Hey!

I notice no-one's eating the gluten-free wheatgrass cake.

Come on! Trust me! You've just got to get past the smell!

What? The clown died?

What's in that bag?

Oh, chocolate chip cookies.

Food!

Whoa! Slow it down. Slow it down.

Hey, sissy.

What, do you have to bring sugary, chemical-filled crud

to my house every time you visit?

What? Every time I visit?

You haven't invited me here in four years.

What are you talking about? It hasn't been four years.

Remember the Fourth of July barbecue when you punched my husband?

Yes, that was four years ago.

I wanted to give him a wedgie but his underwear had holes in it.

I knew he was going to be your ex-husband some day...

All right. Let's not start.

How are the kids handling the old divorce, anyways?

They're both kind of off right now. Bobbi's been really quiet.

Why don't you go say hi? I'm going to go pay the donkey guy.

Oh, is that what stinks in here?

No, it's the cake.

What did she make, donkey cake?

KIDS LAUGH I smell manure!

Hey, you guys. Remember me?

Uncle Skeeter.

Man, you got big. Haven't seen you in a while.

Happy birthday there, Bobbi.

I'm Patrick. She's Bobbi.

Oh. My bad.

Got you a little something.

Happy birthday, Bobbi. Heh.

Here you go. Picked it up at the hotel.

How's school going?

- Skeeter? - Yeah.

Getting called to the principal's office. Look at that.

Have fun with the gifts. And...

Yes, yes.

Shampoo?

And a soap?

Hanger and a towel.

Do not talk about school with them.

Why? What's going on with the school?

- They're closing it down. - No.

- I'm getting laid off. - You?

But you're like the classic school principal.

I mean, you're scary and bad with people,

and children are nervous around you.

That doesn't sound right, but I'm just saying,

what else could you do? Besides, maybe...

Cuban dictator? Or the bogeyman.

You could be the bogeyman.

- Anyway... - What? What?

I've got some interviews set up in Arizona,

which is kind of what I wanted to talk to you about.

Uh-oh.

I need you to watch the kids...for a week.

No! No, they don't even like me!

It's not going to be difficult, Skeeter.

My friend Jill is a teacher at my school.

She'll bring the kids in with her in the morning,

and she'll watch them till dinnertime.

All you gotta do is the night shift.

Why can't your stupid friend do that?

She's got night school. Skeeter...

my husband left me. I'm getting laid off.

I-I have to move. I need your help.

So, you need me. This is good.

I'll do it. But you got to say,

"Skeeter is the coolest. I am a nerd."

"Skeeter's the coolest, I'm a nerd?"

Yeah, you are! Whoo!

OK. Hey, you guys.

I'm going to hang out with you this week. All right? Uh,

maybe we can go...fishing.

Uh, I'd rather you didn't. Patrick's not a strong enough swimmer.

OK, we'll stay inside.

How about, er, we play some poker? I can teach you that.

Gambling? I don't think so.

OK, how about we just take walks in the park

and catalogue plant species?

Now you're talking.

I don't know anything about plants, except you try to make

cakes out of them!

He liked that one. I'm going to end with a big laugh, then.

Give me some.

Huh?

I wasn't going to hit you. I was just trying to do the fist thing.

You don't know the fist thing?

OK. I was just..

That's what...children do. Ay-ay-ay...

Oh, this your truck, chief?

Yes, it is, ma'am.

You realise you're taking up two parking spaces?

It's a big truck, ma'am.

It's not that big, sir. You could fit into one spot.

I had to park all the way down the block.

Oh. Well, next time, why don't you park in that box?

Plenty of room in there.

Anyway, here's the situation.

This is not really my truck.

This is the hotel I work for's truck.

So, if I get a scratch on it, they take it out of my salary.

So, two parking spaces provides me with what I call

"a cushion of protection."

Oh, wait. Hotel? Oh, wait. You're Wendy's brother.

- Yeah. - I'm Jill.

- Who's that? - I'm her friend,

the one who's helping take care of the kids next week.

I'm taking the day shift.

OK, June.

You plan on being this hostile the whole time?

Jill. My name is Jill.

And do you plan on keeping that haircut the rest of the time?

Oh, haven't you heard? Goofy is the new handsome.

ENGINE SPUTTERS AND BANGS

That sounds good for the environment(!)

Oh, we can't all have Priuses.

How do you know I drive a Prius?

Your whole aura reads Prius.

IMITATES BEAMING

Anyways, you're in my cushion of protection right now.

I want to back up, so if you could just zing-zang up there,

- that would be helpful. - Yeah.

By the way, you might want some Cinnabons. You're going to need it.

Food! KIDS SHOUTING

SKEETER: Give it back!

Somebody owes me six bucks!

So, why didn't you demand that he make you the big boss

of the new hotel? He promised your dad.

I wanted to. It just wasn't the right time.

So listen, let me tell you how it works.

The big man's giving the job to Kendall

because he's dating his daughter.

That's the way it works in the business world - keep it in the family.

He gets the girl, he gets the job, he gets everything.

And I get nothing.

CELLPHONE: Ring, ring, ring, ring

ring, ring, ring, ring.

Hello?

JILL: Where are you? Are you still there?

I'm still where? Who's this?

'Look, I've got to get to class. The kids are waiting for you, OK?'

Oh! Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm sorry.

I forgot. I'll be there in, like, 20 minutes.

PHONE BEEPS OFF

I'm going to baby-sit my nephew and niece tonight.

Oh, good. Got any advice for me?

Yes, I do, actually. Um, sometimes I baby-sit my cousins, right?

- Uh-huh. - And what I do is, I let them style me hair.

Like, put beads into it and braid it,

make me look all real sexy like Milli Vanilli,

stuff like that. You should try that.

Braid my hair? That's a good idea.

Can I have some French fries?

Of course you can. You're my best friend.

GASPS: Ah! Ah!

Actually, I really like ketchup on my face

because it's really rejuvenating for the skin.

So, who's the real victim? You are.

Mmm! Delicious.

Do you think these signs will help?

Well, miracles happen, you know?

You mean like Dad coming back?

Um...

DOOR CLOSES Dip, dip, dip, do!

LAUGHING Hey! Sorry I'm late.

So, um, their pyjamas are on their beds,

and I will be back, um, at 8:30 to pick them up, OK?

All right. Here is my cellphone number.

And call me if there's any emergencies.

Mmm. All right. Have fun at night school.

- Bye, guys. - Bye.

All packed up. I got my toothbrush and toothpaste.

Some clean underwear.

Maybe not that clean.

You guys want to watch TV?

We don't have a TV.

CELL PHONE RINGS Hello?

SKEETER: Emergency!

They don't have a TV.

Yeah. Wendy doesn't let them watch TV. You didn't know that?

I-I don't know a lot of things about these kids.

I wasn't allowed over here. Their old man didn't like me.

OK, listen, you don't need a TV. You can, um, play a game. You can do a puzzle.

I'm sure you can figure something out. OK?

Whoa, whoa, whoa! So, should I let them

braid my hair or something? Would they like that?

I don't think anyone should touch that hair.

Hey!

What do you say we go next door and toilet-paper your neighbour's trees?

No?

OK, bedtime!

THUNDER

OK, so you guys cool?

You have to read us a bedtime story.

Yeah, all right. You have any?

Whoo! What do you got here, anyways?

"Rainbow Alligator Saves the Wetlands"?

Mmm, no.

"The Organic Squirrel Gets a Bike Helmet"?

I'm not reading these communist books to you guys.

Don't you got any real stories?

Like what?

Like what?

Like cowboys or dragons or aliens or -

what the heck is on my head right now?

That's Bugsy, our guinea pig.

Why do you call him Bugsy?

Because of his eyes.

Let me see them.

Aah! SQUEAKING

Wow! Those eyes would be big on a cow.

SQUEAKING

Are those eyeballs or bowling balls?

Can't keep my eyes off of them.

Just get in there so I don't have to look at them any more.

Goodbye. Anyways, er,

you guys want me to, er, make up a story for you?

Like my old man used to do for me?

Maybe I could be good at this.

All right. Um...

here goes. Once upon a time,

in a magical, faraway kingdom...

there was a brave and noble knight,

strikingly handsome,

who lived in a grand castle

that weary travellers from near and far

would come and visit.

Now, this knight had been working his butt off for years.

You'd think he'd be a shoo-in to rule the castle, right?

PATRICK: Right. SKEETER: Wrong.

Actually, he wasn't even a knight at all.

NEIGHS

BRITISH ACCENT: Oh, no.

SKEETER, NARRATING: He was, in fact, just a lowly peasant.

And even though he was the son of the late, great Lord Marty...

Thank you.

..and knew everything there is to know about running a castle,

everyone just took him for granted.

His name was Mr Underappreciated.

What's "underdemeciated"?

Under de-what? Underdemeciated.

That's right. I forgot you were six.

His name was Sir...Fix-a-lot.

SKEETER, NARRATING: But alas, the kingdom where Sir Fix-a-lot lived

did not place much value on dedication or hard work, I guess,

because the superstar in all the land

was Sir Butt-kiss.

And he spent all his days kissing everybody's butt.

IMITATES KISSING

Boo! GIGGLES

And my lord, yes, of course I can get you

front row house seats to "The Lion King."

And Sir Fix-a-lot had a best friend, Friar Fred,

who was not right in the head.

She never! No!

Not our queen. I won't have that.

Were there any kids in the kingdom?

SKEETER, NARRATING: Yes, yes. Of course.

There were two young pages -

Mistress Stinky and Master Smelly.

Hey-oh. And don't forget...

Jillian! The queen of the fairies!

SKEETER, NARRATING: Queen of the fairies?

I mean, if she has to be there, let's just make her an angry raven.

CAWING

Parking spot!

PATRICK: She should be a mermaid teacher.

BOBBI: Yeah, the best mermaid teacher in the world.

Children, open your books to page 16.

Yes, Miss Mermaid.

Let's begin.

All right, she's a mermaid. Whatever you want.

Anyways, back to the story.

One day, the king invited all his subjects to the castle.

I bring glad tidings.

For on this day, I have chosen a champion

who will run this castle

and be my closest advisor and bestest buddy.

My new champion is...

Sir Butt-kiss!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Poor Sir Fix-a-lot had been passed over.

So, Sir Fix-a-lot moved into a giant shoe,

got a bad case of athlete's face,

dove into a moat...

ah, what the heck. Aah!

And got eaten by crocodiles. SHOUTING

The end.

The end?!

That can't be the end.

- Why? Why not? - It's not happy.

There aren't happy endings in real life.

The sooner you guys know that, the better.

- It's not fair! - What? What's not fair?

I mean, shouldn't Sir Fix-a-lot at least get a shot to be champion?

A shot? Hmm...

if Sir Fix-a-lot is better than Sir Butt-kiss,

he should get a chance to prove it.

OK. Yeah, yeah, Bobbi, good.

BOBBI: What the king really said was...

on second thought,

there is another worthy man in my kingdom,

and it wouldn't be fair unless he got a shot, too.

Sir Fix-a-lot!

SKEETER, NARRATING: And then the crowd went nuts.

# Don't stop believin'... #

But Sir-fix-a-lot is as common as muck.

Boo!

SKEETER, NARRATING: And Friar Fred drop-kicked

a booing goblin.

Boo! Aah!

And the mermaid teacher did one of those

weird tail dolphin moves.

And Stinky and Smelly did the fastest Irish jig ever.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

LAUGHS: Yeah. Right on.

SKEETER, NARRATING: Prince Bugsy busted out some fancy moves.

SQUEAKING

And then...and then...

it started raining gumballs.

# Streetlights... #

Raining gumballs?

Why not? It's a bedtime story. Anything can happen.

Yeah, yeah. I guess in a story.

I just wish it was like that in real life. I really do.

BELL CHIMES

- What was that? - Bugsy.

CHITTERS

Oh. He rings that bell when he's hungry?

No, when he needs to go to sleep.

CHITTERS

GURGLING

YAWNS

OK. As you wish, your highness.

All right, you guys, have a good sleep.

You, too, er, weird eyes.

BUGSY CHITTERS IMITATES CHIRPING

SKEETER: Well, I don't have much to work with,

but I will make us a delicious breakfast

that I know you will enjoy.

Yes, some banana on the rice cake,

and then what do we call this? Wheat germ.

I was told germs are bad for you, but here goes.

I like it.

A rice cake-banana- wheat germ sandwich.

And what do we got?

This is terrible.

Doesn't your mother have taste buds?

What are we doing here? We got nothing to use in this house.

Hang on.

A little flavour.

It's good, because now we don't have to brush our teeth.

There you go. All right. At least we got a little mint going on.

You guys want one?

CELLPHONE: Ring, ring, ring, ring... Hang on.

Ring, ring, ring, ring SCREECHES

Hello!

Bronson? The television set in Mr Nottingham's room is broken,

and it needs to be fixed right away.

I have kind of a situation here. I'm watching my nephew and my niece.

Oh, I'm sorry. Are you having difficulty hearing me?

Mr Nottingham wants to watch television now.

I hear you. I speak trollinese, don't worry.

There's a leprechaun behind you.

SQUEALS

Gotcha. PHONE BEEPS OFF

INDISTINCT CHATTERING

Thanks a lot, gentlemen. OK.

- Wow. - It's pretty, huh?

- Whoa! - Listen, I got to go

fix my boss' television set,

but I need somebody to watch you two.

PAPARAZZO: Violet! Right here. Give a smile.

Hang on. Violet!

Skeeter Bronson, the handyman from the other day?

Oh, right. Yes.

Listen, er, I got some kids with me right now.

They're my nephew and niece. But I gotta go fix your father's TV.

Think you could watch them for a few minutes?

Huh? DINGS

Yeah, yeah, all right. I'm going.

GASPS

KNOCK ON DOOR NOTTINGHAM: Come in.

DOOR OPENS

SKEETER: Mr Nottingham, sir?

NOTTINGHAM: Uh, the telly won't turn on.

SKEETER: It won't? Well, let me just take a...

tallyho at it, OK? I'll just flip this light on.

No, no, no, no! Absolutely not!

I'm fighting a cold here.

I must stay in the dark whenever possible.

Do you realise germs can reproduce

80% per cent faster in bright light?

Oh, OK. Here we go, nice and dark again.

- The germs are confused. - Come towards me.

OK. It's got to be around here somewhere.

SKEETER SHOUTS CRASHING

NOTTINGHAM: Oh, for heaven's sake, man.

I'm so sorry, sir. I just... I can't see a thing.

- To your left, there. - Oh! There's the TV.

So how's the, er, new hotel coming, sir?

Oh, very well.

Still dealing with the city on building permits and whatnot.

Uh-huh.

I can't tell you the secret theme.

It's so good, we don't want anyone to steal it.

I hear you, sir.

OK, I'll tell you.

Come along, sit down. Please.

Great.

Ready?

Rock and roll.

Vintage vinyl. Music memorabilia in the lobby.

Oh, OK. Like, er,

- like the Hard Rock. - The what-what?

The Hard Rock hotel.

They've been using that theme for, like, years.

Get Kendall Duncan up here straight away, please.

Oh, what a perfect little powder puff.

SQUEAKS AND PURRS

VIOLET: Thank you.

So, Patrick, truth or dare?

Truth?

How old were you the first time you kissed a girl?

Patrick never kissed a girl.

Girls are bis-crusting.

Except for Trisha Sparks.

Ooh, is that a girl in your class,

you little Romeo?

JILL: Hey, guys.

Hi, Aunt Jill. Did you get the note we left you?

Yes, I did.

And, er, now we have to get you guys ready for school, OK?

- So, come on. - Hi.

Hi.

Oh. Hey. You're, um...

Uh-huh. Here's your fat mouse.

It's a guinea pig, but...

and you, young man...

I want to hear all about this little Trisha Sparks

next time I see you.

Heh.

Trisha Sparks is two years older than you.

She's hot.

I'm very disappointed in you, Kendall.

We almost made an apocalyptic mistake.

This rock and roll idea of yours is old hat.

Well, sir, I had every intention

of putting our own spin on it.

Do you know what, Skeeter?

I'm starting to get a fuzzy recollection

of something I said to your father.

In fact, I am going to give you a shot.

If you can come up with a better theme than Kendall does,

I'll let you run the new place instead.

KENDALL LAUGHS: Oh, sir.

Don't you think this is perhaps a little too much of a cruel joke

to be playing on somebody as... well, the maintenance guy?

- No, I don't. - No.

Mr Bronson has been working for this company for 25 years.

I'm beginning to think I may have seriously underdemeciated him.

KENDALL: I'm sorry.

"Underdemeciated"?

Precisely.

You can both present your ideas

at my birthday party this weekend.

Thank you, Kendall. That is all.

Mr Bronson, the television, if you would.

Oh, and do watch out for the germ vaporiser.

CRASH SHOUTS

MUSIC: "Rock Me Amadeus" by Falco

SKEETER: The best day of my life!

# Amadeus, Amadeus

# Amadeus, ow! Amadeus

# Amadeus, Amadeus... Yeah, yeah, yeah!

# Amadeus, Amadeus

# Amadeus...

# You got to rock me, Amadeus

# Amadeus, Amadeus... # ENGINE REVS

TURNS RADIO OFF

Whoa. I like your car, pal.

Hey, thanks, champ. You know what they say -

you want to be the best, you got to drive the best.

Hey, uh - not to get personal, but what's a sweet ride like that cost?

Actually, it's surprisingly affordable.

- Yeah? - If you saved every pay cheque for the reat of your life

and then multiplied it by ten, you could probably buy my muffler!

Ha ha ha!

Ah-ooga! TYRES SCREECHING

Oh, you want to drag race, do you?

SPUTTERS AND BACKFIRES

You win! Good job.

What?

This is spooky.

MAN: You've got to be kidding me! Look at this.

Look, I'm losing all my candy.

How can you not see a 50-foot trailer? Come on.

So, you have to compete for your job with Skeeter Bronson.

- You'll annihilate him. - Oh, I know.

It's just a little degrading, that's all.

TELEPHONES RINGING

Thanks for being there.

Oh, I'll be there as long as there's a there to be at.

GROWLS

BARKS

CLEARS THROAT

Oh, hello, children.

We're looking for Skeeter Bronson.

GROANS Oh, Mr Bronson.

Yes, you'll find him in room 109.

- OK. - Please, this way.

BUGSY CHITTERING

Oh, my God! Did you see that thing?

Those eyes. They were-they were staring

into my very soul.

- Hey, uncle Skeeter! - Hey! Hey!

Just who I wanted to see.

Hey, chief, here's Bugsy. Got him.

And why do they have to stay here again?

Because I'm on call tonight, Jennifer.

It's Jill, actually, Scooter.

It is? OK, yeah...

you did not just do that.

I did. Watch. I'm going to do it again.

So, guys, anything weird happen to you today?

I had a substitute teacher with an eye patch.

Uh, that's a little weird. But I'm talking like big-time weird.

Maybe coincidence weird, er, as in...

gumball weird?

We're not allowed to chew gum.

Of course you're not.

You guys want to go to sleep?

It's only 5:30.

And we haven't had dinner.

Hmm. OK.

Room service!

MICKEY: So, you've never been skateboarding?

You've never played video games?

Mom says they rot your brain.

That's not true. I've been playing video games my whole life,

and look at me.

Yeah, maybe she's got a point.

You - you've never eaten bacon?

What's bacon?

Bacon is the juicy, fatty part of the pig right adjacent to the rear.

But delicious and tasty, not how I just made it sound.

And this is the first hamburger you've ever eaten?

What's the verdict? What do you think?

Life-changing.

- Mom's going to kill us. - No, she isn't.

First of all, she's never going to find out about this.

And second of all,

she used to eat plenty of hamburgers

when we were growing up in this very room!

BOTH: She did?

Looks like...Bugsy's eaten a lot of burgers in the last ten minutes.

Wow!

He keeps going like that, we could make bacon out of Bugsy.

BUGSY SQUEAKS

He's kidding, Bugsy. Take it easy.

LAUGHTER

OK. Let's get you carnivores to bed.

I got a-a new story I want to lay on you.

What do you think of cowboys and Indians?

Oh, yes, tonight's the night!

I just like cowboys and Indians cos of the conflict.

OK. Once upon a time in the old west,

before room service was even invented,

there was a farm hand named Jeremiah skeets.

He was looking to get ahead in the world

but was having a problem with his current mode of transportation.

(Whinnies like a sputtering engine)

BACKFIRES

JEREMIAH: Uh, that was my horse. That wasn't me, everybody.

Heh heh.

SKEETER, NARRATING: Someone once told Jeremiah

that if he wanted to be the best,

he'd have to ride the best.

You mind showing me your finest horse?

DRUMS PLAYING

DISTANT CHANTING

My ancestors believe horse spirit

come down from mountain during time of fire,

wind.

Many brave warrior walk trail of moon bear...

OK, yeah, look. I just want to see

your finest horse, not a whole thing there.

Sorry. I can do it. All right.

Screaming rooster, bring out Ferrari!

Ferrari.

NEIGHS JEREMIAH: Whoo!

Oh, my.

Oh, my, oh, my! Look at that.

(Neighs like a racing engine)

Whoa!

I would get automatic respect

riding such a beautiful animal,

but I'm afraid that's just a bit

out of my price range.

Tell you what, white bread. TEETH CLICK

I'll give you Ferrari...

(HIGH-PITCHED) ..for free!

Boo-yah! The end. I love it.

Brilliant story. He got it for free. I love that. I love that.

A guy getting a free horse?

That's not a good story.

Where's the arc?

There's no arc. I've not learnt anything!

You've got a moral obligation to them. What they going to walk away from that with?

We were doing an after-school special.

Why can't he do something a real gentleman would do,

like save a damsel in distress?

Not a bad idea, munchkin.

OK. So, er, let's continue.

BOBBI: Jeremiah was out for a ride when...

GUNSHOT HORSE NEIGHS

WOMAN: Oh, please, don't!

MAN: Give us that jewellery.

You want my pearls? Help! Please!

Hyah! Hyah!

Hyah! Whoo! NEIGHS

My necklace?

Here, take it!

What else you got?

Help! Help!

JEREMIAH: Leave the lady alone!

NEIGHS

Care for a lift, ma'am?

Yeah. Oh!

Nice horse.

Oh, what, this old thing?

Now, any of you gentlemen want to give the nice lady her stuff back?

MEN GRUMBLING Not a chance, huh?

Cos I beg to differ! MEN SHOUTING

My hero.

SKEETER, NARRATING: So, Jeremiah spirited miss Davenport away to safety,

when she says...

Shall we go drink some champagne in a nearby hot tub?

SQUEALS AND GIGGLES

Hot tub? Mmm.

Uh, yeah. No.

I was saying that because I wanted to see

if you two were paying attention.

SKEETER, NARRATING: What happened was,

Jeremiah dropped Miss Davenport off

in the nearest town, safe and sound.

However can I thank you, sir?

Ah, no thanks necessary, ma'am.

But I do insist on expressing my gratitude in some manner.

Fair enough. I'll take...

100 million.

CASH REGISTER DINGS The end.

Let's hope it works.

Very well written. Brilliantly constructed. I loved it.

Jeremiah wouldn't take money for doing a good deed.

Uh, I know Jeremiah a lot better than you guys.

And believe me, he'd be all over that. He loves money.

Mmm! I don't want that.

Go back. Rewrite. Rewrite.

Gentlemen don't get paid.

Will you just... Who's telling the story here?

It should really end more like this.

Well, I must give you some token of my appreciation.

Oh, no. Perhaps...

a kiss?

Touchdown.

PATRICK: Then an angry dwarf kicks him.

Uhh!

Ow!

What the heck did you do that for?

Because I'm angry!

LAUGHTER Go! Let's go!

WOMAN: All right! Yeah!

I didn't do nothin' to you!

The end.

You know what? Laugh as much as you want.

I'll take a Ferrari and a kiss any day of the week.

I'd just like to kiss a Ferrari.

GIGGLING All right. Good night.

Good night, uncle Skeeter.

Good night, home slice.

Thanks for the stories.

Hey, you came up with all the good parts, Bobbi.

Good night, y'all.

You too, Bugsy.

BUGSY SQUEAKS

Them braids look fantastic. They've taken years off you.

Hey, you mind sleeping over tonight?

I'm going to duck out of here for a few hours.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

By the way, I am legally obliged to tell you I suffer from sleep panic disorder.

OK. what's sleep panic disorder?

Belive me, you don't want to know.

What am I thinking?

Why would anyone give me a free Ferrari?

I must be losing my mind.

Much power of the horse underneath that hood.

DRUMS PLAYING

DISTANT CHANTING

Hello.

Are you the guy I'm supposed to see?

I'm here, aren't I?

So...

am I about to get a cherry-red Ferrari?

I don't see why not.

For...

(HIGH-PITCHED) Free?

Sounds good to...

(HIGH-PITCHED) Me!

SQUEALS: Yeah.

What do I do now? Eat a gumball or something?

Yes.

Fell out of the sky, right?

Yeah. Shh.

Oh! Shh.

I won't tell nobody.

Now, close your eyes and count to three.

OK. Then it's all going to happen.

No. Yeah.

One, two... Yeah.

three.

Ferrari!

Hey! My wallet!

Not any more!

HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING

PAPARAZZI SHOUTING

Excuse me.

Hi, boys.

OK, thank you.

Thanks, guys.

Sorry. I'm just trying to find my car.

(Eric Carmen performing "all by myself")

Good thing my wallet only had 3.00 in it.

And my Derek Jeter baseball card!

ALL SHOUTING Guys, guys, stop, please.

Guys, you've had enough, now. Thank you.

Stop!

ENGINE REVVING

TYRES SCREECHING

ALL SHOUTING Come on, man!

Care for a lift, ma'am?

Skeeter? Skeeter Bronson?

Yes, ma'am.

Now, what do you say you boys give the pretty lady back

the pictures you took of her?

ALL GRUMBLING No way, man.

Sure about that, now? Because I beg to differ.

BANGS

Guy's got a gun! Let's get out of here!

I'm just happy they didn't make me use this thing.

DRILL WHIRRS

My hero. Really?

That was brilliant, Skeeter.

(STAMMERS) I don't know what happened.

Something kind of just took over me. It felt good, though.

It felt real good. Yeah?

How am I ever going to thank you?

Hmm.

No thanks is necessary, ma'am?

Oh, am I in the presence of a gentleman?

At your service, ma'am.

Well, I must show my appreciation in some form.

Uhh! Ow!

Consider yourself big people-bashed, sucker.

I knew you were going to show up.

Get in the gremlin, Jimmy, before Sasquatch calls the cops.

Yeah, cos that's how we do what we do. Right?

That's what you get, buddy.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Let's go! Yeah!

Pull me in! Let's get out of here! Pull me in!

LAUGHTER Big people stink!

OK, well, you don't see that every day.

Indeed.

And on that strange note, I bid you good night.

Yes, yes. CAR ALARM CHIRPS

Oh! Oh!

All right,

so that's how I'm getting it.

Getting what? This is just...

I shouldn't. I-I couldn't.

You know what? I can. I'm going to take it.

Heh. What are you talking about?

I'm talking about a very generous girl

who wants to give her rescuer a cherry-red Ferrari..

(HIGH-PITCHED) For free!

HE LAUGHS This is sick!

Well, er, good luck with that.

I'm just going to go. What do you mean?

Oh-do you have another one of these at your house?

Am I supposed to follow you or something?

So seriously, no Ferrari? No.

ENGINE REVVING

Where's the 100 million, at least?!

Boo!

TV: Hey, hey, hey! Get your own campaign vehicle.

KNOCK ON DOOR Yeah.

Hi. BOTH: hey, Aunt Jill.

Hey, guys. How did last night go?

Well, an angry dwarf kicked me in the leg,

and I didn't get a free Ferrari, so there you go.

Oh. How sad.

He's talking about our bedtime story.

Oh.

Uncle Skeeter said Jeremiah would get

a new horse and a kiss, but I said the dwarf would kick him.

You said it.

Maybe that's how it works.

The kids control the stories.

CHIMES RING And there are the wind chimes.

You know what that means.

What what means?

Huh?

Nothing. Don't worry about it.

I won't.

OK, guys. Um, what is Bugsy doing?

PANTING

Working off the hamburgers he ate last night.

Yes, I gave Bugsy some hamburgers,

but I gave the children that wheat germ stuff

because that's what they love.

I guess it's, er, Bugsy watching the TV then, too?

Yeah, I flipped that on and, look, he's glued to it.

GIGGLING

Aah! I'm innocent!

What was that? Uh...

that was the sleep panic disorder, I believe.

Why don't we, er, get out of here before the next attack?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Come on. Give your uncle a kiss.

I'm a relative. I deserve it. Right there.

Oh, that felt nice.

Mwah. Uh, and how about

one more for the road? No.

Come on, baby!

Don't worry, we'll be back tonight, Uncle Skeeter.

Yeah, no, I'm not worried.

You're coming back because we got a big story tonight!

About some hotel theme ideas! Yeah!

Maybe we won't come back.

What?! Skeeter?

Sir butt-kiss. Sir...Kendall.

I understand that you feel a need

to prepare for our little...showdown.

Yeah. Well... But that does not excuse you

from maintenance responsibilities.

Oh, no. Now, the lights are out in the spa.

The south service elevator is running slow. Check.

Let me try that cheesecake.

Oh, another thing.

I heard about your big hero act with my girlfriend last night.

Oh, this paparazzi was... I know what it is

you're trying to do, and it's not going to work.

You're going to have to find another way to cosy up to the old man,

because I'm here to tell you...

Violet Nottingham is not going to date a gum-scraping handyman.

Hey, Kendall.

Two things. First off, you got something right there.

Yeah, now, use your hands.

That's disturbing to see.

Good. Secondly, when I get the job at the new hotel,

I was actually considering keeping you on,

so watch your tone with me.

Your brief little trip to the land of make-believe

is just about over, my friend. OK?

We all know that your failed father ran this hotel into the ground,

and thankfully, you, my friend, will not get the chance

to make the same mistake all over again.

May want to pick that up.

HE SIGHS

CELL PHONE RINGS

Yeah, it's Duncan. ASPEN: 'Lover, hello.'

I'm looking for the new hotel site.

'I gave you the address, macho bunny.'

The address you gave me is no good. There's, like, a school here.

'Oh, what school?' Webster elementary school.

'Oh, then you're in the right place.'

Is that so?

'This school is being shut down.' Uh-huh.

'The old man pulled a few strings down at the board of education.'

Really? 'We start demolition immediately.'

That is very exciting news.

'Oh, Pinky.' GROWLS AND BARKS

LINE RINGS SKEETER: 'Hello!'

Skeeter? Hey, it's Wendy.

'Hey, sissy.' Hey. How's it going?

Are the kids OK? Oh, yeah.

'We're having a blast. That was impressive, Bobbi,

'but your Uncle Skeeter can jump over the couch the long way.'

Skeeter, can I talk to them?

'Actually, no. I'm taking them camping.'

No? 'Have fun in Arizona. Bye!'

Camping? No, Skeeter, they could get poison ivy!

SKEETER: Let's go. Quietly. PATRICK: where are we going?

We're going someplace special, you fools.

BUGSY: Whoo-hoo! Now, march. March.

March. March.

I don't know, but it's been said

Bugsy's eyes pop out of his head.

March. March. March... KIDS GIGGLING

BUGSY: Whoo-hoo! March. Let's go.

KIDS: Whoa! Going to have ourselves a little camp-out.

Cool! Check it out.

JILL: You guys, look what he's done!

Isn't this cool? See? See how nice I am?

Yeah. Whoa. OK, you guys,

just be careful around the fire.

Hey, Jill. Shh. Don't want everyone to hear we're here.

ALL CHATTERING

PATRICK: I heard about marshmallows,

saw them in magazines.

I never imagined they would be this good.

Yeah. Well, let's just hope

your mother doesn't find out I gave you any.

I won't tell her. I'm not talking about you.

She's the weak link.

I think I can let this one slide.

Ah! The mermaid's being cool. Look at that.

BOTH GIGGLING The what?

The nothing. Ha ha ha!

You know, when we were younger

and your mom and I were out on the roof,

my dad would always tell us to look at the stars

and see if you could make something out of them.

All right, like, er...

right over there. Right over there. Look, look.

To me, that looks like a camel.

You see the humps? Huh? The tongue hanging out?

Oh, yeah. I see that.

Hey, look over there! It's a pyramid.

Yeah! Hey, good one, Patrick.

Hey, look, right next to the moon, right, right beside it.

It looks exactly like Bugsy.

SKEETER: Oh, my God! ALL LAUGHING

Don't worry, Bugsy. Your eyes are still bigger.

CHITTERS

JILL AND PATRICK LAUGH

Uncle Skeeter?

Yes, good-looking.

Do you think my father will come back?

Um, well, that's a tough one.

He must be going through some...

mental malfunction

to not want to be with you two guys

every second of the day.

But, er...

I do know this.

You're always going to have your mother.

You're always going to have this girl to hang out with.

And me, I ain't ever going anywhere.

OK? I'm like the stink on your feet. I'll always be around.

OK. You guys made me late. I hope you're happy.

Well, thank you. CHUCKLING

Have fun at night school.

See you tomorrow.

All right, we got rid of her, so let's get to business.

Put the s'mores down. Story time.

All right, guys.

Tonight's story is going to be extra special.

It's called...

The Great Hotel Idea Story.

Yeah!

What? Boring.

Come on, guys, I really need you to do this.

It's going to help my life a lot. Please?

All right. You know what? We still got one more night.

Let's have a fun story tonight.

How about some Evel Knievel stuff?

Racing, jumping, flying...

or maybe something like romantic?

(Imitates kissing and whistling)

I have a good idea.

Let's combine the action and the romance

and make a romaction story.

BOTH: Yeah. Let us begin.

The greatest of all the heroes in ancient Greece

was, of course, Skeetacus.

He was truly amazing

yet totally underrated

and had been ignored for years.

Finally, Skeetacus had his chance

to show his skills in the grand arena.

Hyah! Hyah!

SKEETER, NARRATING: If he could impress the daughter of the emperor,

he knew he would one day rule the land.

HORSES NEIGH CROWD CHEERING

Skeetacus, Skeetacus! Go on, Skeetacus!

That's pretty fancy chariot work.

For a peasant.

I see London, I see France I see my golden underpants.

Whoo!

CROWD: Oh!

Oh, what is he doing?

KIDS: Whoa!

HORSES NEIGHING

SKEETACUS: Bring on the elephants!

TRUMPETING

Whoa. Ooh.

Uh...

SKEETER, NARRATING: You know how Hercules

supposedly founded the Olympics?

TRUMPETING

CHITTERS

Well, Skeetacus invented the X Games.

He's never going to make it!

SHOUTING CROWD GASPING

CROWD CHEERING Now, that's first class.

Hey!

Bravo! Wow.

Can you dig it?

CROWD: Skeetacus!

How we doing so far, huh?

This is the best story yet.

Can we get to the romance now?

Well, Shorty, you tell me.

Does skeetacus get the girl he was after?

BOBBI: In these stories,

the hero always gets the fairest maiden in the land.

Yes! Yes! You said it.

OK, so it's going to happen!

Uh, right. So, what? They're thirsty?

They go off for drinks or something?

A little wine and cheese action? Yes?

BOBBI: Yeah, they can go to an old tavern.

And guess who's there?

Led Zeppelin.

Say Led Zeppelin, please.

No. All the girls

that were mean to Skeetacus growing up.

What are you talking about?

Nobody was ever mean to Skeetacus growing up.

He was like the coolest guy in school.

That's not what Mom said.

All right, everybody was mean to Skeetacus.

He had problems.

All right, tell your story.

Oh, my God.

BOBBI: They see he's now with the fairest maiden

in all the land,

and they are really jealous.

PATRICK: So jealous that they don't even know what to do.

They just start nervously doing "the hokey pokey."

# Put your right hand in

# You put your right hand out

# You put your right hand in and you shake it all about. #

OK.

'So then, Skeetacus takes his date out to the beach.

'All of a sudden, a big hairy guy washes up onshore,

'passed out.

SKEETER: Why a hairy guy? I don't get it.

'Just cos.

'He had something stuck in his throat,

'and he wasn't breathing.'

GRUNTS COUGHS

Thanks.

He's OK.

And then it starts pouring,

so they run into a magical cave.

Caves are nice.

And Abe Lincoln's there.

Abe Lincoln?

What, is this a joke to you?

What the heck's the matter with you?

Oh. Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to yell.

I just-the Abe Lincoln thing,

that's-that's- that's a good idea.

It's just that, er...

does Skeetacus get a kiss?

Don't you think he should?

It's been a long time for him.

His lips are very dry from not using them.

Bugsy, you with me?

GROANS

We'll see.

VIOLET: Hello?

Mmm. Hey, is this the fairest maiden in the land?

Mr Skeeter Bronson, is that you?

'Yes, it is.

'Sorry about that Ferrari confusion the other night.'

But I'm here at the beach right now,

and I had a hunch you might be here, too.

What do you say we get a little lunchsky?

'That sounds so delightful.'

But I can't.

I'm afraid I'm on my way to Vegas for the day.

Vegas? Er, no-one talked about Vegas.

Don't tell Kendall, he thinks I'm in the library.

But, er, princess,

I really thought we were going to hang out today.

Oh, well. I will see you at Daddy's birthday party.

'Bye, Skeeter.'

Hmm.

So our date's going to be tomorrow?

All right, I can live with that.

JILL: Hey! Look out! Look out!

Aah! Aah!

GROANS

Are you OK? Oh, my...

Hey! I'm so sorry!

What is it about the cushion of protection

you don't like?

Aren't you supposed to be in school?

I'm supposed to be looking for a job right now,

but for some reason I felt like coming to the beach today.

Huh.

Hey, um, are you hungry?

Yes, I'm always hungry when I'm in pain.

LAUGHS Good. Because I'm buying.

Yes, I'll let you buy me lunch,

cos somebody stole my wallet,

so how was I going to pay anyways?

Of course you got your wallet stolen.

I don't know what that means.

You. It's always something with you.

Huh? What?

Hey, you're wearing my hat.

You going to wear that all day?

I ain't wearing nobody's hat.

I'm wearing your hat! Oh!

I'll take it back. Thanks.