Lesbian Vampire Killers

This programme contains strong language

and some violent scenes.

(SLOW, MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)

(MAN NARRATING) Centuries ago, during the dawn of the red moon,

our peaceful hamlet was terrorised by a beast.

Born not of man, but spewed forth from the fieriest pits of Hades.

(GRUNTS)

With an evil fuelled by a hatred of men and a love of women.

Its name - Carmilla, the vampire queen.

No-one could defeat her, save one man.

A baron, away for decades fighting in the Crusades.

Upon his return, the baron found that Carmilla's desires

had ensnared his beautiful wife, Eva,

-and turned her into a lover of the vagine.

-No!

Consumed with vengeance, the baron pledged to destroy Carmilla

and flee the village.

He unearthed the sacred Books of Nekros,

where he discovered the only way of slaying this unholy harpy,

once and for all, was to forge a sacred sword,

a weapon blessed with an ancient Babylonian hex,...

-..and infused with his own blood.

-(GROANS)

Without fear, he confronted Carmilla.

(CARMILLA GRUNTS)

(SKIN SLASHING) (CARMILLA CRIES)

But before the baron could strike the fatal blow,...

-(GRUNTS)

-..Carmilla laid down a curse most vile.

As you strike me down, so you shall release evil within me

into your daughters and your daughters' daughters,

and they shall not rest until your bloodline's ended.

They will know your breed by these marks above your heart,

and when the life's blood of the last of your line

mixes with that of a virgin girl,

I shall rise again, more powerful than you will ever imagine.

And with that, he lopped her fucking head off.

Henceforth, every woman in our village,

upon her 18th birthday, is turned by the curse

and reborn a lesbian vampire.

Our only salvation is a prophecy that foretells of the day

when the last descendent of the baron's bloodline

shall return to this hamlet and vanquish Carmilla's curse for ever.

That time... has begun.

I'm not happy, Jimmy.

-Why? What did I do wrong?

-Things are different to how they used to be.

I just don't love you any more. No, I love you,

-I'm just not in love with you.

-(NEIGHBOURS GRUNTING)

-You know I'll always love you.

-But you say that every time you dump me.

I don't dump you, Jimmy. I just take time out

to re-evaluate the parameters of our relationship.

That's what makes us so strong together.

If we're that strong together, why are you dumping me again?

I'm not dumping you. I just think we're stronger together apart.

That doesn't even make grammatical sense, so -

Feel it with your heart and know what I'm saying is true.

-So... you are dumping me?

-No.

-(GRUNTING GETS LOUDER)

But, also in a sense, yes.

-(FEMALE NEIGHBOUR) Yes!

-Shit.

-I'm not happy, Fletch.

-I'm trying my best, Miss Rossi.

Yep, well, your best just isn't good enough.

-What more do you want me to do?

-I don't know,

-but this has to be the end of the line.

-What?

-What did I do wrong?

-You punched him in the face.

You know what I get like when people mess with my shit. He had it coming.

He was seven. You're a children's clown.

-Old enough to know not to go messing with my shit.

-You punched a child.

He was spraying me with my own seltzer bottle.

-What was I supposed to do?

-Not hit him.

Then he shouldn't be spraying my ball sac. It was only a tap.

-You gave him a bloody nose!

-Look! I look like I pissed myself!

Christ, Fletch. I don't know why you do these things.

I guess I just don't like kids.

I keep telling you, they're a prerequisite of the job.

I know. Slight problem.

-Maybe I could just be a clown for adults.

-You're fired.

-Do I get to keep the costume?

-No. Drop your costume at the front desk

-on the way out. Goodbye, Fletch.

-(SIGHS)

-Do I get this week's money?

-Goodbye, Fletch.

# I'm cryin' blood

# I'm cryin' tears from my eyes That I can't deny

# And I'm fallin' like a comet From the broken sky

# I'm cryin' blood

-# I'm cryin' blood

-# Oh, oh, oh

# I'm cryin' tears from my eyes That I can't deny

# And I'm fallin' like a comet From the broken sky

-# Oh, how you

-# Oh, how you need me

-# Desperately

-# Desperately need me

# Wish you could... #

-I've come up with a ten-point plan for getting her back.

-Like revenge?

No, getting her back, not "getting her back" getting her back.

Getting her back. Number one, take her on holiday.

Stop there. That's just fucking stupid.

-The two of us, on our own. We can talk.

-On your own?

Like Faliraki when she dumped you

and banged that water ski instructor with the highlights and necklace?

She didn't dump me. She told me she was just... confused.

She could figure out where to put his cock.

-That's my bird you're talking about.

-No. No, it isn't. Not any more.

Look, you need to get away from all this shit.

Let us have a wacky adventure, you and me.

I'm not gonna bum you, but I think you could use a distraction.

Say what you like, but you cannot deny I am incredibly distracting.

-Some might say annoying.

-And that... (SNIFFS)

-I don't know. Where do you suggest we go?

-(Ibiza.) (BLOWS)

-(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

-The sun, the sea, the sand,

clubs and fanny.

Lots and lots of fanny.

Loads and loads of fanny.

A gargantuan amount of vajay,

all wanting to shag you, Jimmy McLaren,

and if there's a few stragglers who fancy a go on me, then so be it.

-(RECORD SCRATCHING)

-I can't. I'm skint.

-What?

-I thought you had loads saved up?

-I lent it to Judy to buy a car.

Oh, my God! Why don't you just get "total twat" tattooed on your head?

Can't you see what that witch has done to our lives?

Relying on that money for my holiday. Our holiday, I mean.

-How much have you got?

-Um... (SIGHS)

Uh, well... Tricky, because I've sort of been sacked.

-You hit another girl?

-It was a boy. I don't want to talk about it.

So, what we're essentially saying is that neither of us

-can afford to go anywhere.

-Pretty much.

-Brilliant.

(INSTRUMENTAL POP MUSIC)

(KNOCKS DOOR)

Uh, hello. Wasn't expecting you.

-I've finally done it!

-Done what?

Get the champers on ice. I'm all yours, honey.

-Oh, bloody hell.

-And I've left him for good this time,

-so you and me can have some fun.

-(ZIP OPENING)

-Uh...

-(GIGGLES)

-You've done what?

-Let's celebrate. Naughty boy! (LAUGHS)

-(FOOTSTEPS)

-Who the hell are you?

-Who the hell are you?

-I'm his girlfriend.

-Really?

-I'm his wife.

-(SCOFFS)

-(EXHALES) Right.

-(ZIP CLOSING)

-I...

(SCOFFS)

-Steve, get back here!

-In my defence, I never meant for you to find out.

(SLAPPING SOUND)

-I got a plan.

-Does it involve girls?

-It's cheap.

-Yeah. Does it involve girls?

Let's go hiking.

(LAUGHS)

That is one of the most depressingly shitty ideas for a holiday

I've ever heard in my life, ever.

-It's a great idea.

-You're a penis!

-(THUNDER RUMBLING)

-Wherever it lands on the map, we go there.

Leave it to the hands of fate. A proper adventure.

-What do you say?

-No.

-It'll be brilliant.

-It'll be shit.

Let the dart show us the way.

Alright, then. Fuck it. I'm only agreeing to this

cos I'm feeling for you right now, and because I'm...

..unbelievably shitfaced. Throw it like you mean it, McLaren!

(MYSTICAL MUSIC)

I never heard of it. How do you say it? Crag...

Cragwi... Cragwich?

It's spelled A-D-V-N-T-U-R-E, my friend.

Christ, you're a tit!

(INHALES / EXHALES)

-Get that. Country air. Nothing like it.

-(COW MOOING)

Smells like normal air with cow shit in it.

Exactly. Nothing like the pervading stench of faeces

to take your mind off your troubles.

-(BIRDS FLYING AWAY / CAWING)

-Have you brought anything besides beer?

(FLIES BUZZING)

You expecting a water bomb fight or something?

(ANIMAL GRUNTING)

(MOBILE PHONE RINGING - ALARM TONE)

-Hello?

-"(JUDY) Jimmy, it's me."

-Judy?

Yes! Look, Jimmy, I've been thinking,

and I realise I've made a terrible mistake.

I want to come back, Jimmy. I... love you.

-(CRACKLING)

-What?

-I love you!

-Hello?

-(JUDY SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

-(CLEARS THROAT)

-I can't hear... Hello?

-(BOTH MOUTH WORDS)

-Judy?

I'll drive to meet you. We can talk, the two of us.

We can work everything out. When I get there, you can wear my panties.

(CRACKLING / BEEPING)

(BIRDS CAWING)

-Why'd you do that?

-We are here to hike.

But... I can't fucking believe you just done that!

OK, maybe I did overreact a bit, and I'm sorry.

I'll, um, buy you another one. Jim...

Jim!

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(CHURCH BELLS TOLLING)

(PANTS) Hold up a minute.

(COUGHS / GROANS)

(BREAKS WIND / COUGHS)

Can't we take a little rest? I'm getting a stitch.

We've only been walking for... three minutes.

Yeah, but you're not walking. You're virtually running.

-It's like you're in a mood with me.

-I can't imagine why. Can you?

-You're getting a real attitude.

-Oh, fuck off.

-No, you fuck off!

I've dragged my arse to some leafy shithole I can't even pronounce,

for you, and look how ungrateful you're being.

Ungrateful? You stamped on my phone whilst Judy was trying to make up.

What? Like the last seven times?

You're a mental case, holding out for that serial dumper

to have you back for the... drum roll, please... eighth fucking time!

That's why we're here rather than somewhere it might be possible

to engage a single solitary woman in so much as a polite conversation!

-There might be girls.

-Will there balls.

-(DOOR SLAMMING)

(WOMEN LAUGHING)

(GLAM ROCK MUSIC)

# Woman You know you, woman

# You got to be a woman

# I've got the feeling of love

# When you're talking to me

# You see right through me I've got the feeling of love

# She's a woman, you know what I mean

# You better listen, listen to me

# She's gonna set you free

# Yeah, yeah

-(WOMEN LAUGHING)

-What are the chances?

-Come on, Jim. They came from there.

-Yeah. So?

"So"? Are you some kind of eunuch or something?

It's not bad enough she's robbed you of brains,

but testicles too. Sorry, I'm claiming your testicles back.

No, not... Not that I literally want your test...

That's just sick. Look. They're just the beginning.

These rural places are renowned for breeding the creme de la creme

of the finest female form. It's the fresh air, innit?

They go a bundle for city boys like you and me. Impressive we are, mate.

I guarantee this place will be wall to wall

with rosy-cheeked English maidens, like that lot, but even dirtier.

(OBJECTS CLATTERING)

(FOLK MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO) (SHEEP BLEATS)

-It's like some sort of medieval gay bar.

-Don't sweat it.

The womenfolk are all off braiding their hair

in some kind of naked fertility ceremony or something.

That village green will be full of heaving tits by sundown.

-These guys look weird.

-(Just relax.)

(They're just blokes, like you and I.)

(They like a beer, enjoy a scented candle.)

(They're my kind of people. I can relate.) Stick with me.

Good morrow. (WEST COUNTRY ACCENT) Two flagons of ale, please, sir.

There you go. Compliments of the house, lads.

(WEAKLY) Thank you.

(SHEEP BLEATS)

Keep it together, mate. Keep it together.

I'm just a bit worried I'm gonna get raped.

So, how many more, Tom? How many more?

Don't you be all high and mighty with me, vicar.

We have to stop this madness.

-Reckon that's his daughter?

-If it's not, that's one dirty vicar.

-We can't let more innocent people die!

-Then what? They'll come for us!

Oh. Aye, aye.

Don't you see they have us already? Our women are cursed,

and we are spineless fools who let it happen.

I know it's hard, vicar, what with your Rebecca turning 18 and all.

-18? Love it.

-Together we can stop this.

-(ROOSTER CROWING)

-You are either with me or against me.

-(FLETCH) What a tosser.

-Who is with me?

(COWS MOOING)

No, it can't be.

No, that's impossible.

-It can't be you. What is your name?

-Oi!

-Oi, this cost 25 quid, mate!

-That is enough, Father. Enough!

-Daddy!

Come, child.

-(DOOR CLOSING)

-Does he know you?

Have you been hanging out with vicars?

-Never seen him before in my life.

-Sorry about that, lads.

Here you go. No hard feelings, eh?

Sorry for the vicar. He's a strange sort.

If you lads want a bed for the night,

there be a cottage, the old Mircalla place,

-not two miles down the road.

-Oh, that's great, but how much is it?

-Cos we're a bit light on the old -

-Money.

-Oh, it don't cost nothing.

The doors are always open. Any weary traveller

can expect a nice, long rest.

-(SHEEP BLEATING)

-You, sir, are a scholar and a gent.

One thing I like more than free booze is a free bed.

Thank you very much. That's very kind.

Might be a bit of a tight squeeze, though.

I sent some beautiful young girls down there not too long ago.

(LIGHTNING CRACKLING)

(DISTANT POP MUSIC)

(ALL) # Mind if you take off All your clothes

# Come on, take 'em off

# I like you so much better When you're naked

# I like me so much better When you're naked

# I like you so much better When you're naked

(SINGING CONTINUES) (ENGINE SPLUTTERING)

# I like you so much... # (ENGINE SPLUTTERING)

-What's wrong with it?

-Come on, come on.

D-D-D-Don't break down on us now. Come on!

-(ENGINE DIES)

-Come on! What?

(ENGINE SPLUTTERING)

(GASPS) (IGNITION SPLUTTERING)

-Come on!

-That'll really help, Lotte(!)

-We're screwed!

-Ja.

Great. We're in the middle of nowhere, miles from anywhere.

Are you sure you put petrol in?

-Anke, for the fifth time, yes.

-Just checking.

Well, let us walk to the cottage. We must be close.

The landlord said it was only a few miles.

-Ja.

-We're closer to the inn.

-We should go back there and get help.

-(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Ja. Ja.

I'm only going back there with knives. Those men were freaky.

-I think we should stay with the van.

-Ja.

-(ENGINE SPLUTTERS)

-Oh.

(SCRAPING)

-Do you hear that?

-What is it?

-(RUMBLING)

-(GASPS)

-(There's something out there.)

-Stop scaring us, Lotte.

-Ja.

(CLATTERING / SCRAPING) Listen, listen!

(CLICKING) It's coming from the roof!

-(SQUEALS)

-It is probably just a branch.

-A branch?

-Ja, ja.

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

-(ALL LAUGH)

-I told you!

(BANGS GLASS) (ALL SCREAM)

-Evening, ladies.

-Sorry. Didn't mean to scare you.

Excuse us. Our van just broke down, and we were a little bit spooked.

-Seems OK now.

-Anyhow, hi, I-I-I'm Lotte.

This is Anke, Heidi and Trudi.

Hello, Lotte, Andy, Eric. (EXHALES) Hello, girls.

-Beer?

-Yeah!

-Oh, ja!

Ja, ja, ja!

-You're my type of girl.

-(FLETCH AND WOMEN LAUGHING)

Ah. The name's Fletch. (LAUGHS)

-What's your name?

-That's my man, Jimmy.

He recently had his heart broken by the woman he loves. It's tragic.

-(WOMEN) Oh!

-It's just tragic. Really is.

-Hello, Jimmy.

-Alright.

So, what are four lovely ladies like you doing here on a night like this?

We're on our way to the Mircalla cottage.

(SPLUTTERS)

There's an uncanny stroke of luck!

These girls are all going to the exact same cottage that we are.

(WOMEN SHRIEK)

-Yes! Yes!

-Yes! Yes!

Great. Great.

-Do you want to ride with us?

-Thanks. That's very nice of you.

-Oh, yeah!

-Take a seat.

-When in Rome. (CHUCKLES)

-Be careful. You know what happens.

-Relax. It's fine. (CHUCKLES)

-(ANKE) OK, let's go.

-(COUGHS)

(WOMEN LAUGH)

(WOMEN LAUGHING / CHEERING)

A couple of young fellows were in here not an hour ago.

Directed them towards the cottage not a couple of miles down the road.

-What? Just carry on down the road?

-Yeah. There you go, miss.

Carry straight on down and you can't fail to see it, so you can't.

-Now, she was a pretty one.

-They always are, Sidney.

Sirens. Cold, bewitching demons, every last one of them.

(SPITS)

Pint, Jack?

Wow.

-Wow. This place is amazing!

-Oh, I love it!

-Oh, cool!

-They got beers!

-Can we actually move here?

-(WOMEN) Yeah!

-Yes, let's move in!

(CHEERING FROM INSIDE)

(CHATTERING FROM INSIDE)

-# "Hot, Hot, Hot" - Arrow

-Let's party!

-We need Schnapps!

-Rack 'em up! Rack 'em up!

-(CHATTERING)

-Alright! Yes!

J-man? Bottoms up!

-(ALL) Bottoms up!

-Cocks in.

-Oh, yummy!

-(ALL CHEER) Let's dance!

(GRUNTS / SPLUTTERS)

# Feelin' hot, hot, hot

# Feelin' hot, hot, hot

This might be the best night of my entire fucking life!

Room for the Fletchmeister? Yes?

(ALL CHATTER / CHEER)

# Let me rum-bum-bum-bum

-# Let me rum-bum-bum-bum

-Ho-ho! I love hiking!

# Ole, ole, ole, ole

# Ole, ole, ole, ole

# Let me rum-bum-bum-bum

(WIND BLOWING)

-# Let me rum-bum-bum-bum

-Take your clothes off!

-Take your clothes off!

-# Feelin' hot, hot, hot

(ALL CHATTER / LAUGH) # Feelin' hot, hot, hot #

-Do you know of Carmilla?

-(GASPS)

-Uh, no. Is that who it is?

-Yes.

-Carmilla. She's why we're all here.

-Eh?

We're students of folklore and ancient superstition.

We're on a field trip. This village is home to the legend of Carmilla,

-the vampire queen.

-Vampire queen?

According to legend, she's much more than your average vampire queen.

Some say she's 2,000 years old.

-You believe in Dungeons And Dragons rubbish?

-We're very superstitious.

Cragwich is particularly fascinating to me.

The book of folklore tells the story of this village

and what Carmilla did to it and its daughters.

Even the bravest man shrinks in fear,

and the bravest woman quivers with desire at the mention of her name.

Carmilla, the vampire queen.

# "Saturday Night" - Whigfield

# Saturday

-# Saturday

-Hey! Jimmy Peon!

-# Saturday night

-Come on. Get a beer. Get involved.

It is your turn to go with the larger one.

-Too many beers. I need to make a piss.

-The bog's outside.

-What? It's... It's dark out there.

-Heidi!

-Are you afraid Carmilla will get you?

-Anke, don't be mean.

OK, OK, I'm sorry.

-Don't worry. I will go with her.

-(SHRIEKS) Stop it!

Watch this. # Here come the beers

-# Here come the beers, ja? #

-Ooh, ja!

He's a weird guy, Fletch, eh?

-Ja! (LAUGHS)

-She's pretending to bum me.

Oh, his heart's in the right place.

It's just a shame his brain's in his dick.

-Think his ying-yang is big as well?

-Ying-yang?

(DOOR CREAKING)

(SHIVERS)

-(BREAKS WIND / URINATES)

-# I like you so much better

# When you're naked #

(WIND HOWLING)

(SOFT HAWAIIAN MUSIC)

Alright, which one do you want, then?

Haven't thought about it.

Oh! You are such a fucking ponce, James.

Which one do you fancy? Which one do you like the most?

-Just answer the question.

-Alright, then. Lotte.

-She seems really nice and friendly.

-Mmm-hmm.

-And it's like she's got this pure spirit.

-Hmm.

She's just really sweet. She's got the prettiest eyes.

It's like looking into bottomless pools.

-And you?

-Trudi.

Massive tits, never speaks.

(SNIFFS)

(SNIFFS) Yeah, Trudi, you stink.

Ja. Ja.

-(SNIFFS) Oh, ja.

-(GIGGLES)

(DISTORTED WHISPERING)

Hurry up! (RUSTLING)

(WIND HOWLING)

(RUSTLING)

(WOMAN WHISPERING) Anke.

(WOMAN GROANING)

-(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

-Anke?

-(CLATTERING / THUDDING)

-Anke, stop it. It isn't funny!

-(VOICE WHISPERING) Heidi.

-(LIGHT FIZZLES OUT)

-(BANGS TORCH)

-Fuck!

-Anke, answer me now. It's not funny!

-(CLATTERING CONTINUES)

-(THUDDING)

-Anke!

(WHIMPERS)

(CLATTERING)

Anke?

(DOOR CREAKING)

Anke? Anke!

(ROARING)

-Why are they taking so long?

-She's probably just having a massive shit.

(MUSIC WINDS DOWN / STOPS)

(MOANS)

(ELECTRICAL SIZZLING) (DISTORTED WHISPERING)

(FOOTSTEPS THUDDING)

-(CONTINUES MOANING)

-(WOMAN WHISPERING) Tru-di.

-(GASPS)

-(WOMAN WHISPERING) Tru-di.

(FLOOR CREAKING)

(WIND HOWLING)

(FLOOR CREAKING)

(WIND HOWLING)

(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMS) (GLASS SMASHING)

(GASPS) Quickly!

-(TRUDI SCREAMING)

-Trudi!

-(OBJECTS SHATTERING)

-We've got to get in there!

-OK. Stand back.

Christ. That thing is rock-solid.

-I must have weakened it.

-Yeah, right.

-Look.

-Blood.

(WOMAN WHISPERING) Come.

-What was that?

-I don't know, but let's go find out.

-Is she serious?

-We have to do something, don't we?

This is all getting weird. Women missing, towels covered in blood.

-It's more of a light spotting.

-Oh, that's alright, then.

We heard her in here and now she's nowhere to be seen.

-That is very fucking weird.

-Agreed, but we have to find Trudi.

-You like Trudi, don't you?

-Not that much.

-That's just weak, man.

-For Christ's sake.

(ENGINE SPLUTTERING)

(ENGINE SPLUTTERING)

Oh, God! (GRUNTS)

(SIGHS) For God's sake!

I only got it seen to last week!

Oh, my... Oh, come on!

Shit! (SQUEALS)

(GROWLS IN FRUSTRATION / SIGHS)

(DIALS BEEPING)

-"Hi, you're through to Jimmy. Please leave a message."

-(SQUEALS)

You are so dead, Jimmy!

(WOMAN WHISPERING) Judy? Judy.

(ECHOES) Judy.

Anke!

Heidi?

Trudi?

-Anything?

-No.

Ah, well. Looks like she's gone.

Head back inside, eh? Cup of tea?

-Told you there was no-one out here.

-Trudi?

Probably just gone for a walk or... something.

Let's head inside. I've still got some beers.

-Oh, shit!

-(WOMAN BREATHING HEAVILY)

(WOMAN WHISPERING) Lotte.

-It's over there.

-I heard it too.

Look, I know something really wrong is happening here,

but is there any chance we can just ignore it?

(JIMMY) Fletch! Come on!

(WOMAN BREATHING HEAVILY)

(WOMAN BREATHING HEAVILY) (DISTORTED GROANING)

(GROANING)

It's impossible. It cannot be. Vampires.

-Vampires?

-Vampires?

(WHISPERING) Lesbian vampires.

Nice one.

-(ROARS)

-Whoa! (YELLS)

Agh! Fucking hell, she's strong.

-Jimmy!

-(ROARS)

-Shit.

Jimmy!

(LIQUID SLOSHING) (SPLUTTERS) Uh?

-(BREATHES HEAVILY)

-(GRUNTS)

-She's not so strong now.

-(BOTH GRUNT)

(GRUNTS)

(LIQUID GURGLING)

(GRUNTS)

Ah! Rank!

(GROANS) (LIQUID GURGLING)

(BREAKS WIND)

-(LIQUID GURGLING)

-Is that it?

No explosion or...

..turning into burning ash or... nothing, no?

-(BUBBLING)

-Frankly, I'm a bit disappointed.

I'm just glad she's dead. I can hold out for the fucking fireworks.

The legends,... they're true.

This is madness. What's become of my friends?

-(WOMAN SOFTLY SHOUTING) Lotte.

-Oh, crap.

-(Join us.)

-Ja.

-I think they want you to say something.

-Never.

(ALL SNARL)

-Don't think they wanted you to say that.

-Fuck this! Run, you bell-ends!

(VAMPIRES SNARLING)

Come on, you silly fuckers!

-(SNARLS)

-(BOTH GASP)

-(Now you will join us.)

-(GRUNTS)

-(LIQUID SLOSHING)

-Hmm.

-Get in.

-(VAMPIRES LAUGHING)

Oh, my God! Did you see that? That might be the coolest thing I've done

in my entire fucking life. Brrrrap!

I've always been good at cricket. Maybe it's my guns.

-Fletch, please shut up.

-Sorry, I'm just nervous. This is fucked up!

Where did they go?

(WOMAN WHISPERING) Before sunrise, you will all belong to us.

Shit, shit, shit, shit. What are we going to do?

-We're going to die horribly.

-For Christ's sake. You're not helping.

-Calm down. Have a beer.

-We need to get out of here!

-Come up with a plan then, Einstein.

-Hold on. The van.

The van. Good plan. Great plan.

-Genius.

-(CLATTERING)

-I don't even want to know.

-What are we going to do now?

-(LOTTE GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS) Stakes. Lots of sharp stakes.

Arm ourselves with anything that we can plunge

straight through their hell-whore hearts.

Again, great idea. Like it. Plunging sharp objects.

Hell-whore hearts. Let's fucking have it!

(POUNDING)

(LOTTE GASPS)

(CD STARTS PLAYING) (POUNDING CONTINUES)

(CD SKIPPING)

-(JUDY) Jimmy!

-Judy?

What? Don't open the fucking door! Jesus!

-Judy, get in, quick.

-Oh, my God!

-What the hell is going on?

-What are you doing here?

-Something was chasing me.

-Vampires.

-What?

-Yep. Lesbian vampires.

-How ridiculous.

No, just another of God's cruel tricks to get on my tits.

Even dead women would sooner sleep with each other than get with me,

but eating me alive? Oh, no, that's fine.

-Lesbian vampires?

-Next time he'll have me bummed

-by a big gay werewolf, I swear.

-Come on, we need to lie down.

-Who's that?

-Oh, it's Jimmy's ex.

She keeps breaking up with him, getting him back,

breaking up with him, getting him back, you know?

-I hate her.

-Me too.

Man, this pisses me off.

I've been saving myself for the right man,

someone I can really have feelings for.

-I finally meet him, and...

-What, you like Jimmy?

-Yes, I do,

but between her and the vampires, I'll probably die a virgin tonight.

(CHUCKLES)

Y-Y-Y-Y-You're a virgin?

-Um, yeah.

-(EXHALES)

(WIND WHISTLING)

(LOUD WHISPERING)

Oh, for God's sake, girl, cover yourself up!

Daddy, I'm not a child any more.

-Don't try me, girl.

-(GRUNTS)

Jimmy,...

..I know you have every right to hate me,

but I just want you to know

that I'm so happy you let me through the door.

I-I don't hate you. Well, not completely.

I just don't know what I keep doing that you don't like.

It's not you, Jimmy, it's me.

I'm glad you realise that, because if this is gonna work,

-you're gonna have to change.

-Oh, I've changed.

But how... How do I know that?

How can I trust you? You're gonna have to show me you're different.

Oh, I'm different.

-(SNARLS)

-(GASPS / PANTS)

Give me one...

..last... kiss.

-Ya!

-(GASPS)

Huh?

-(SNARLS)

-(YELPS)

(GRUNTS)

(SNARLS)

-Ah!

-(GRUNTS)

(SNARLS)

(GRUNTS)

(CAN-CAN MUSIC)

-(GURGLING)

-(SNARLS)

(SQUELCHING)

-(YELLS)

-(SCREAMS)

(YELLS / PANTS)

(PANTS)

Probably best you remember her the way she was, mate.

-A complete fucking bitch.

-(SQUELCHING)

-Aah.

(EXHALES)

Mate, thanks for saving my life.

Hey, you know me, fella. I got your back.

Always have, always will.

-Right, got 'em.

-What are you doing?

-What do you think?

-Lotte was gonna -

-You know what they say about extreme situations

bringing people together, and this, as I keep pointing out,

-is an extreme fucking situation.

-Bit seedy, innit?

Look, she's worried she'll die a virgin, and frankly,

I'll take any opportunity I can get.

Emotional vulnerability, fear of death,

-vampire attacks, I don't give a shit.

-(FOOTSTEPS)

Hi.

How you doing?

-What happened?

-Oh, God. Um...

(CLEARS THROAT) As I suspected,...

-..Judy was a vampire.

-We killed her.

Fantastic.

-Oh, man, I'm going for a piss.

-What, outside?

Do I look like a twat?

(DRAMATIC MUSIC) (BOTH GASP)

-(GASPS)

-Oh, God! Oh, God!

Oh, God! Oh, gosh! Oh, God! Oh, God!

Why aren't they coming in? Judy walked in.

No, they have to be invited in. You invited Judy in.

-Oh.

-(DRAMATIC MUSIC STOPS)

-So, all we have to do is sit tight till morning?

-Hmm.

It's not like I'm gonna say, "Hey, lesbian vampires,

come into my cottage", is it? Oh, shit.

Under full-on lesbian vampire attack?

-Still got it, fella.

-(URINATES)

Look, I was being ironic.

Guys?

(HISSES)

(WHISPERING) McLaren.

-She knows my name.

-That's not a good sign.

(SNIFFS) She is pure.

-(SCREAMS)

-Fletch!

When in Rome...

(RATTLING / SKIN SLAPPING)

(VOICES WHISPERING)

-(DOOR BANGING) Get away from him!

-Fuck off!

(ZIP CLOSING)

(GRUNTS)

(VAMPIRE SNARLS)

(GASPS FOR BREATH)

(GROWLS)

-(SCREECHES)

-Fuck.

-(SNARLS)

-Nice. (YELLS)

-Get her into the shower!

-(YELLS)

-Quick! Quick!

-(SCREAMS)

-Quick! Turn it on!

(YELLS)

-Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name.

-(SCREAMS)

Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth as it is...

-Give us this day... Push her back! She must stay underwater.

-(SCREAMS)

Push her back! Push her back under!

-(SCREAMS)

-Oh, God!

-Keep her under! Don't let her go!

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

-Fuck off!

-As we forgive those who trespass against us...

-(SCREAMS)

-Fuck off!

-Keep going.

Fucking hell! Kumbaya!

For Thine is the kingdom. Jesus compels you!

Oh, God, I love Jesus! I love you, Jesus.

-And the glory for ever.

-# All things bright and beautiful #

-For ever and ever.

-(SCREAMS)

-Amen.

-Ugh!

-What the fuck?

-We need to go quickly.

-Your friends have already been taken.

-Ah, shite.

-There's no time to waste. Let's go!

-Hang on.

-How did you know this was happening?

-You were all sent as sacrifices.

It's an age-old deal. The villagers supply a stream of fresh blood.

In return, they get to keep their cowardly hides.

So, we were just a light buffet for a bunch of hot dykes?

To my shame, yes. Your friend's arrival in our hamlet

is no coincidence. It's divine intervention

-fulfilling a primordial prophecy.

-Balls!

Does he bear a birthmark? Five red scratches around here?

-Yeah.

-His bloodline is the key

to the resurrection of the purest evil known to mankind,

-Carmilla, the vampire queen.

-Eh?

And the only thing that can lift this village

from a centuries-old curse that turns every woman

on her 18th birthday into a vampire.

My daughter, Rebecca, becomes 18 within hours.

Right. Look, I know you mean well, I really do,

and I love the vibe, the hat. You look amazing,

but I've seen a lot of weird shit,

and even under these circumstances, this is a stretch.

Jimmy's not the Messiah! He can barely wipe his own arse.

I understand your confusion. Let's be on our way!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Daddy-o. Go where?

-Back to the village. There's no time to waste.

-Fuck that noise.

-I'm sorry?

-I'm not going back out there.

I've nearly been eaten three times by the hottest women I've ever met.

-Starting to become a bind.

-But it's not too late to save your friends,

this village, the entire world!

Well, best of luck with it. Hope you get on alright. In a bit.

Are you fucking with me?

-Are you allowed to swear?

-Shut up.

Are you telling me you'd let eternal darkness

sweep over this planet and leave your friends to die? Your friends?

I only really know Jimmy. I just met the girl tonight, so...

OK,... stay here and die.

(SIGHS)

-What's with all the scratches?

-The cruciform. It drives the beasts away.

-It looks shit.

-Just get in.

-(ENGINE STARTING)

-OK, scratch-master. Where the fuck are we going?

The tomb of your friend's great ancestor.

(MYSTICAL MUSIC)

Fletch!

(VOICE ECHOING) Sisters.

A moment that has infested our dreams and our desires

for what seems like an eternity

is finally upon us.

(SNIFFS)

(MOANING)

For this night, the last of the McLaren clan shall fall,...

..and our queen shall rise again.

-Carmilla?

-The vampire queen?

-(GRUNTS)

-Hmm-hmm?

-Sorry. Carry on.

So, his blood mixed with my virgin blood brings her back?

You know a lot, pretty one.

I've heard of Carmilla, but never have I heard of you.

-Obviously you're not evil enough to even make the history books.

-(GASPS)

Well,...

(SNIFFS) ..soon she will know of you.

And with her resurrection, this land will be ensnared for ever

in the dawn of the red moon.

(MOUTHS) McLaren.

-These are your final moments on Earth.

-Oh. Mmm.

(VAMPIRES MOANING)

The final resting place of Baron Wolfgang McLaren III.

Jimmy's the reason I ended up in this shithole?

He is our salvation and our only hope.

The prophecy foretold of this, when the last of the McLaren clan returns.

With his blood and that of a virgin, Carmilla shall rise.

Concealed in this tomb is the weapon that can slay the beast for ever.

-The sword of Daeldo.

-And what's that, then?

Daeldo, the god of lust, said to be Carmilla's arch demonic foe

in the underworld of Hades. A hideous multi-tentacled beast.

The only brave enough to have tried to penetrate Carmilla's depths,

and paid for it with his life.

Let me get this straight. Your plan is,

wait for this bitch to be resurrected,

stake her with the sword thus rescuing my mate,

curing your daughter, ending the curse and saving the planet.

Exactly. So, are you with me?

Not really. I ain't got much fucking choice, have I?

(BELL TOLLS) (GASPS) Here, you do this.

-I need to check on my Rebecca.

-What? Now I've got to unearth a corpse?

-Concealed within this tomb is...

-Yeah, yeah. Save me the monologues.

This is officially the worst holiday ever.

(GRUNTS)

(BELL CONTINUES TOLLING)

(HEARTBEAT THUMPING)

-So there's a red moon, right?

-Forget about the red moon, Jimmy.

-She said the last McLaren will fall.

-Yeah, I kind of missed that bit.

Oh. Well,...

-..that'll be me, then. Oh, bollocks.

-Shut up. I'm thinking.

What can you be thinking about at a time like this?

-How we are going to escape.

-Fantastic. Any ideas?

-No, have you?

-Not a fucking sausage.

-Come on, think!

I'm too busy shitting myself to come up with a daring escape plan.

-(BRANCHES CREAKING)

-(PANTS)

(ROMANTIC MUSIC)

-You're cute.

-What?

It's our first argument.

-Vic, we're doomed. That ain't opening.

-Move.

(HISSING / GROANING)

In my defence, I only tried that side, so...

(FLETCH GRUNTING)

-You go down there, my boy.

-Excuse me?

-There's no time to waste. Hurry up.

-Well, you go down, then.

Oh, my... Un... Unbelievable. It's not my daughter.

-Can you see the sword?

-Give me a minute! Please!

It's my first time in a tomb... grave... stone.

-(LAUGHS)

-What? What is it?

Oh, it's nothing. (LAUGHS)

-What's so funny in there?

-(LAUGHS UNCONTROLLABLY)

It's got a big metal cock for a handle.

Grow up! The handle draws on the power of the demon Daeldo,

rendering this blade alone capable of destroying her once and for all.

-What? How?

-It just does, OK?

Right. We're gonna go there and we're gonna die, right?

All because you insist some sword with a metal cock on the end

-can save the world?

-You're a disgrace.

-At least I can see the funny side.

-Let's get on with the job.

I'll load up on weapons. You cover the baron up.

Will you just admit it does look like a cock?

-(GRUNTS)

-Jimmy, can I tell you something?

-Have you come up with a plan?

-No, I'm still thinking.

I think we're running out of time.

I just wanted to say that had we met under different circumstances,

-I would have liked to have gotten to know you.

-Really?

-Yes.

In fact, even though we've just spent a few hours together,

I feel like I've known you for ever.

-Really?

-Yes. I thought you might have picked up on my signals.

Signals? What signals? What did I miss?

Jimmy, I love you.

-Well, that's just fucking great.

-I didn't mean to upset you.

-On the brink of death, you say that?

-I can't die without letting you know

you're the first man I could share myself with completely.

-Oh, for Christ's sake.

-I would've given you everything.

My mind, soul and body.

-And body. Hmm.

-And now that will never be.

-It is time. (HISSES)

-Oh, God!

(ALL SNARL)

-That's my penis.

-Get off him, you bitch! He's mine!

(EXHALES HEAVILY)

Wow. (SNIFFS)

What?

What did you just say?

You called me a what? I'm a fat piece of what?

(MIMICS FIGHT NOISES)

No-one messes with Fletchmeister's cock sword. (MIMICS LIGHTSABER)

Oh, hello! Um...

I wasn't doing, um...

..Star Wars... No.

(MIMICS CHEWBACCA) Chewie. I wasn't...

What are you doing out? You probably shouldn't be out here.

I know.

So, it's your birthday?

Today.

It's just gone midnight.

All...

..grown...

..up.

-So you're 18?

-Uh-huh.

-But Daddy wouldn't approve anyway.

-Oh!

-(SNARLS)

(SWORD THRUSTS)

-Daddy!

-(SPLASHING)

-(VICAR)

-Fletch!

-Ready?

-Yep.

We have little time. My Rebecca will soon be taken.

Yep.

(MOANING / HISSING)

You have his eyes.

I used to love those eyes.

Until I learned how pathetic men are.

-(WINCES)

-(WOMEN GASP)

Mmm! Exquisite.

I will bleed you slowly

and let Carmilla feed upon your flesh

while it is still warm in your veins.

# Amazing...

# Grace

# How sweet... Look, the moon bleeds.

The resurrection has begun.

Here. Holy water.

It's like a fucking hand grenade of acid to them.

-You said "fucking" again.

-So?

-It's weird.

-Get over it.

There's no need to panic, my friend.

I'm well-versed in the knowledge of killing vampires.

Yeah, so's everyone.

Stakes, garlic, beheading, holy water, sunlight...

-There's not a fucker alive who doesn't know that shit.

-Really?

It's in books, films, telly. It's pretty common knowledge.

Were you expecting many sexual encounters, my friend?

Water bomb fight. So..

..where's this resurrection likely to be happening?

In there. The crypt of Carmilla.

I knew you were gonna say that!

Never gonna be somewhere un-scary-sounding,

-like the garden or scullery?

-"Scullery" is quite scary.

-Eh?

"Scullery" has got the word "skull" in it.

As opposed to the crypt, which has got undead corpses in it.

Remember this - they can die fast or they can die slow,

but they have to die.

-Can't we do this in the morning?

-It may be too late.

It will be too late for Rebecca.

No, I'm good.

Well, this is it.

Good luck, Fletch. Let's try to come back alive.

Vic... (SNIFFS)

If I don't make it out of this,

there's one thing I want you to know...

I blame you entirely.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

-(WOMEN COO)

-So this is how your bloodline ends -

crying like a baby!

Begging for your life!

-Please...

-Jimmy...

Pull yourself together. Don't give her the satisfaction.

No. You'll give me my satisfaction.

Lotte, just so you know, before she turns you,

I found you really attractive, pre-vampirism.

-You did?

-(HISSES)

(VAMPIRES GROAN)

-We have an escape plan.

-What?

-Fletch will save us.

-Fletch? He's fucking useless.

-We're dead meat.

-Oi! You cheeky prick!

-Fletch!

-(WOMEN SNARL)

Although, to be fair, if I could've avoided being here, I would've.

(ALL GASP)

-(GROANS)

-Damn.

-I told you he was fucking useless.

-(LAUGHS)

-Damn, damn!

-You ever fired that thing before?

-First time.

-Watch and weep.

So!

You clam-lappers fancy a piece of me then, do you?

(ALL SNARL)

-Come on, then!

-Kill them.

(ALL SNARL)

Oh, fuck!

Oh, Vic! Wait up. Fuck this.

Your friend's blood has already been drawn. The resurrection has begun.

-We gotta get out!

-We can't. Darkness is upon us. Your friends, Rebecca...

-I can probably live with that.

-..and the entire fucking world...!

You know how to put a guilt trip on, don't you, you fucker?

-(WOMEN SNARL)

-Right.

Let's do this.

-It'll be OK.

-How can this be OK?

All I wanted to do was enjoy life.

Hike, get some fresh air, a few pints.

But no. Nothing's as simple as that, is it?

And now we're gonna end up dead.

Well, I'm gonna end up dead. You'll be a lesbian.

And I've not even made love to a man.

-(GROANS)

-(BUBBLING / WHIRRING)

The crypt is through here.

Fletch! Spiritus Sancti.

(WHIRRING)

-Fletch!

-(VAMPIRES SNARL)

Spiritus sancti.

-Hurry up!

-(LOTTE) Jimmy?

Back, you spawn of Satan!

-Fletch?

-Alright, mate. How you been?

-Up and down.

(GROWLING)

-There's only one solution now.

-The big cock sword.

-What?

-Long story.

-Hand me the sword of Daeldo.

-Haven't you got it?

I thought you had it.

You said all we've got to do is wait for this bitch to rise, stab her,

-and you forgot the sword?

-Get it. I'll keep 'em off.

-Tell Rebecca I love her!

-About Rebecca...

-Run, you fool!

-Alright!

Jesus!

(ALL MOAN SENSUOUSLY)

(CHORAL SINGING)

(TRIBAL MUSIC)

Whores of fucking Hades.

(GROWLS) Annihilate him.

(ALL SNARL)

Prepare for fucking death!

(YELLS)

Come on, you silly fuckers!

-Lotte!

-It's playtime, darling.

Mmm! You are a feisty one.

I like it.

-It won't budge.

-I have to help her.

-It's not gonna work.

What is it with you and doors?

Let's ram it.

Mmm! You taste divine.

-Keys.

-Vicar's got 'em.

-What?

-Know how to hotwire a hearse?

-Yeah!

-Brilliant. Let's go.

-Of course I don't, you idiot.

-Shit.

First I'm going to torture you, then I'm going to turn you.

-You'll be my plaything.

-Never!

That's it, then.

The problem with you, James, you're a pessimist.

You might wanna grab weapons. We could be in for a ruck.

(GRUNTS)

Argh!

Come on!

-That sword's got a cock for a handle.

-It's funny, innit?

It's the only thing that'll destroy that psycho bitch.

-It's very powerful and very ancient.

-And sort of gay.

So get your own fucking sword!

(WHISPERING VOICES)

(HEART BEATS)

I knew you would not resist me forever.

(EXCLAIMS)

Sorry, you're not my type.

-Whoo-hoo!

-(WOMAN) Lotte...

(SNARLING)

Bollocks.

Fletch.

(GROWLS)

(GROANS)

(SWORD PULSES / VIBRATES)

(HISSES) McLaren!

-Jimmy!

-Throw it like you mean it, McLaren!

Un-fucking-believable!

(GASPS)

(PULSATING)

(COCK CROWS)

Is somebody taking the piss?

The sword of Daeldo is a mighty weapon indeed.

Looks like the vic was right.

Everyone seems to know what's going on bar me!

It's all cock swords and scary stuff and history and that. Tell ya later.

-Tell me now!

-I will.

-When?

-Mate, do you want to calm down?

I've had a bit of a busy night. I'll tell you in a minute.

-(GROANING)

-Whoa.

No, look. Sunlight. The curse has lifted.

-So they're not vampires any more?

-No.

Cool. Are they still lesbians?

For fuck's sake!

Er...

Unbelievable. Save the day, not even a kiss.

Do you know what? Actually, forget it.

Forget it. Forget it. Let it go. Let it go, Fletch.

You're the bigger man.

(ENGINE SPLUTTERS)

Whoa!

That's some mighty fine hotwiring skills you got there, lady.

Thanks. Right. Now what?

Don't know. Go home?

Go home?

They've taken my friends, they very nearly took our lives,

and we never even dreamed they existed!

How can we just go home to our beds? (ROUSING MUSIC)

-What's she talking about?

-Uh...

This village is free,

but more creatures like Carmilla lurk in the dark corners of the world.

No-one would believe us. We are the only people who know the truth.

We must go out there and fight this menace.

Are you suggesting we become... lesbian vampire killers?

If that's what it takes, ja.

I ain't got anything else on in particular at the moment, so I'm in.

-Jim?

-I-I don't know.

Oh, come on. It's in your blood, your destiny, all that shit!

-Huh?

-I'll tell you later.

-Come on. You might as well.

-Join us.

Lesbian vampire killers, it is. Let's ride.

-(LAUGHS TRIUMPHANTLY)

-Whoo-hoo!

(HOWLS)

# "Under The Moon Of Love" - Showaddywaddy

# Let's go for a little walk

# Under the moon above

# Let's sit down and talk

# Under the moon of love

-# I wanna tell ya

-# Wanna tell ya

-# That I love ya

-# That I love ya

# And I want you to be my girl

# Little darling, let's walk, let's talk

-# Under the moon of love

-# The moon of love

-# You are looking so lovely

-# Ah-ha-ha-ha

# Under the moon of love

# Your eyes shine so brightly

# Under the moon of love

-# I wanna go

-# I wanna go

-# All the time

-# All the time

# You'll be my love tonight

# Little darling, let's walk, let's talk

-# Under the moon of love

-# The moon of love. #

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