Monty Python's Life of Brian


Monty Python's Life of Brian

Surreal comedy about a man named Brian who is mistakenly hailed as the Messiah by a trio of not-so-wise men and then is doggedly followed by a troop of admiring worshippers.


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Transcript


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Ahem.

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Aah!

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Who are you?

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We are three wise men.

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What?

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We are three wise men.

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Creeping around a cow shed at 2:00 in the morning?

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Doesn't sound very wise.

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We are astrologers.

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We have come from the East.

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Is this some kind of joke?

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We wish to praise the infant.

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To pay homage to him.

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Homage? You're all drunk. It's disgusting.

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Out! Out!

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Pestering me with tales about fortune-tellers!

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Come on, out!

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We must see him.

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Go praise someone else's brat!

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We were led by a star.

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Led by a bottle. Go out!

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We have brought presents.

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Out!

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Gold, frankincense, myrrh.

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Well, why didn't you say?

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He's over there.

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Sorry the place is a mess.

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Well, what is myrrh, anyway?

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It is a valuable balm.

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A bomb? You're giving him a bomb?

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It might bite him.

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What?

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That's a dangerous animal.

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No, it isn't.

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Yes, it is. It's great...

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No, no. It is an ointment.

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Well, there is an animal called a bomb.

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Or did I dream it?

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You're astrologers, are you?

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Well, what is he, then?

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What star sign is he?

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Uh...Capricorn.

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Mmm. Capricorn, eh? What are they like?

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He's the Son of God. Our Messiah.

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King of the Jews.

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That's Capricorn, is it?

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No, no. That's just him.

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Ah. Otherwise, there'd be a lot of them.

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What name are you calling him?

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Uh, Brian.

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We worship you, O Brian,

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who are Lord over us all.

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Praise unto you, Brian,

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and to the Lord Our Father.

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Amen.

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You do a lot of this?

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What?

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This praising.

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No, no.

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Well, if you're by again, pop in.

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Thanks for the gold and frankincense,

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but don't worry about the myrrh next time.

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Thank you. Goodbye.

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Well, weren't they nice?

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Out of their bloody minds, but still...

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look at that!

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Here! Here!

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That-that's mine.

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Hey, you gave me that!

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BABY CRIES

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Shut up!

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# Brian

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# The babe they called Brian

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# He grew

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# Grew, grew, and grew

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# Grew up to be

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# Grew up to be

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# A boy called Brian

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# A boy called Brian

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# He had arms

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# And legs

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# And hands

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# And feet

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# This boy

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# Whose name was Brian

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Aah!

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# And he grew

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# Grew, grew, and grew

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# Grew up to be

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# Yes, he grew up to be

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# A teenager called Brian

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# A teenager called Brian

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# And his face became spotty

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# Yes, his face became spotty

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# And his voice crept down low

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# And things started to grow

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# On young Brian and so

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# He was suddenly known

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# No girl named Brian

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# Not a girl named Brian

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# And he started to shave

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# And had one off the wrist

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# And watch to see birds

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# And go out and get pissed

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# A man called Brian

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# This man called Brian

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# The man they called Bria-a-an

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# This man called

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# Bria-aaa-aa-an #

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Aah!

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How blessed are those who know their need of God?

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How blessed are the sorrowful?

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They shall find consolation.

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How blessed are those of gentle spirit?

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They shall have the earth for their possession.

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How blessed are those who hunger

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and thirst

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to see right prevail?

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They shall be satisfied.

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How blessed are those whose hearts are pure?

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They shall see God.

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Speak up!

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Quiet, Mum.

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Well, I can't hear a thing.

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Let's go to a stoning.

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Sshh!

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You can go to a stoning any time.

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Come on, Brian.

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Will you be quiet?

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Don't pick your nose!

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Wasn't. I was scratching.

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You was picking it while talking to her.

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I wasn't.

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Give it a rest.

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Do you mind? I can't hear.

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Don't you "do you mind" me!

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I was talking to my husband!

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Talk elsewhere. I can't hear a bloody thing.

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Don't swear at my wife!

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I only said to shut up

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so we could hear, big nose.

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Don't call my husband big nose!

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Well, he's got a big nose.

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Quiet. What was that?

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I was too busy with big nose.

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I think it was, "blessed are the cheese-makers."

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What's so special about cheese-makers?

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It's not to be taken literally.

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It refers to any manufacturers of dairy products.

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See? We missed that, big nose.

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Say that again, I'll smash your bloody face!

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Keep listening.

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Might mention "blessed are the big noses."

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Lay off!

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Not so bad yourself, conk face.

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You two from nose city?

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One more time, mate.

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I'll take you to the fucking cleaners!

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Language!

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And don't pick your nose!

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I wasn't. I was going to thump him!

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Hear that? Blessed are the Greek.

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The Greek?

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Apparently, he's going to inherit the earth.

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Anyone catch his name?

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You won't thump anybody.

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I will if he calls me big nose again.

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Shut up, big nose.

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Oh! Right. I warned you.

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I really will slug you so hard!

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Oh, it's the meek!

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Blessed are the meek.

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I'm glad they're getting something,

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cos they have a hell of a time.

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I'm only telling the truth.

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You have got a very big nose.

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Yours will be 3 foot wide across your face!

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Shh!

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Who hit yours then, Goliath's big brother?

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Right. That's your last warning.

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Do pipe down.

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Oh!

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Silly bitch, getting away on me, are you?

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Oh, let's go to the stoning.

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All right.

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Well, "blessed" is just about everyone

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with a vested interest in the status quo.

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What Jesus blatantly fails to appreciate

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is it's the meek who are the problem.

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Yes. Absolutely, Reg.

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Yes. I see.

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Come on, Brian.

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They'll have stoned 'em before we get there.

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All right.

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Oh, I hate wearing these beards.

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Why can't women go to stonings, Mum?

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It's written, that's why!

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Psst! Beard, madam?

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I haven't got time for stonings.

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He's not well again.

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HEEHAW

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Stone, sir?

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No. They've got a lot lying on the ground.

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Not like these, sir.

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Feel the quality. That's craftsmanship, sir.

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All right. Two with points

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and a big flat one.

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Can I have one, Mum?

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Shh!

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Sorry. Dad.

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All right. Two points, two flats,

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and a packet of gravel.

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Should be good this afternoon.

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Local boy.

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Oh, good.

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Enjoy yourselves.

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Matthias, Son of Deuteronomy of Gath?

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Do I say yes?

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Yes.

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You have been found guilty

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by the elders of the town

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of uttering the name of Our Lord.

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And so as a BLASPHEMER...

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..you are to be stoned to death.

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I'd had a lovely supper.

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All I said to my wife was,

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"That piece of halibut

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was good enough for Jehovah."

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BLASPHEMY!

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He said it again!

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Did you hear him?

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Yes, we did!

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Really!

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Are any women here today?

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Very well.

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By virtue of the authority

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vested in me...

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Ow! Lay off! We haven't started yet!

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Come on, who threw that?

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Who threw that stone?

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She did! She did!

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She did! She did!

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DEEP VOICES: He did. He did.

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Sorry. I thought we'd started.

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Go to the back!

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Oh, dear.

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Always one, isn't there?

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Now, where were we?

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I don't think it ought to be blasphemy

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just saying Jehovah.

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He did it again!

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You're only making it worse for yourself!

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Making it worse? How could it be worse?

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Jehovah, Jehovah, Jehovah, Jehovah!

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I'm warning you, if you say Jehovah once more...

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Right. Who threw that?

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Who threw that?

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She did!

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She did! She did!

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Him, him, him, him!

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Was it you?

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Yes. Well, you did say Jehovah.

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Look. Will you stop that?

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Stop it!

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Now, look, no one is to stone anyone

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until I blow this whistle.

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Do you understand?

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Even, and I want to make this absolutely clear,

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even if they do say Jehovah.

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Good shot!

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APPLAUSE

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Have I got a big nose, Mum?

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Oh, stop thinking about sex.

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I wasn't.

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You're always on about it,

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morning, noon, and night.

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Will the girls like this?

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Will the girls like that?

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Is it too big? Is it too small?

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Alms for a leper.

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Alms for a leper.

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Alms for an ex-leper.

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Bloody donkey owners!

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All the same, aren't they?

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Never have any change.

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Oh, here's a touch.

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Spare a talent for an old ex-leper?

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Buzz off!

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Spare a talent for an ex-leper?

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That's more than he earns in a month.

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Half talent, then.

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Go away!

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Big nose, let's haggle.

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What?

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You open at 1 shekel,

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I start at 2,000,

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we close about 1,800.

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No.

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1,750?

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1,740?

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Will you leave him alone?

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2 shekels. Isn't this fun?

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He's not giving you any money, so piss off!

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All right, my final offer -

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a half shekel for an old ex-leper.

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Did you say EX-leper?

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16 years behind a veil and proud of it.

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What happened?

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Cured, sir.

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Cured?

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Yes, a bloody miracle, sir.

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Who cured you?

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Jesus did.

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I was hopping along, minding my own business.

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Up he comes, cures me!

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One minute I'm a leper with a trade,

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next minute my livelihood's gone.

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Not so much as a by-your-leave.

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Bloody do-gooder!

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Why don't you tell him

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you want to be a leper again?

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I was going to ask him

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if he'd make one leg a bit lame

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during the middle of the week.

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Something beggable, but not leprosy,

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which is a pain in the arse.

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Brian! Come and clean your room!

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There you are.

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Thank you, sir.

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Half a denarii? For me bloody life story?

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There's no pleasing some people.

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That's just what Jesus said, sir.

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Oh.

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Good afternoon.

0:15:360:15:38

Oh, uh, hello, officer. Uh...

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I'll be with you in a few moments, all right, dear?

0:15:400:15:44

What's he doing here?

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Don't start. Go clean your room.

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Bloody Romans.

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Now, look, Brian, if it wasn't for him,

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we wouldn't have all this.

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And don't you forget it.

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We don't owe the Romans anything, Mum.

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Oh, that's not entirely true, is it, Brian?

0:15:570:15:59

What do you mean?

0:15:590:16:00

Well, you know you were asking me about your...

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My nose?

0:16:030:16:04

Yes. Well, there's a reason

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it's like it is, Brian.

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What is it?

0:16:070:16:09

Well, I suppose I should've told you

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a long time ago, but...

0:16:110:16:12

What?

0:16:120:16:13

Well, Brian...

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your father isn't Mr Cohen.

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I never thought he was.

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Now, none of your cheek!

0:16:190:16:21

He was a Roman, Brian.

0:16:210:16:23

He was a centurion in the Roman army.

0:16:230:16:26

You mean, you were raped?

0:16:260:16:28

Well, at first, yes.

0:16:280:16:30

Who was it?

0:16:300:16:31

Naughtius Maximus his name was. Hmm.

0:16:310:16:34

Promised me the known world, he did.

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I was to be taken to Rome,

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house by the forum, slaves, asses' milk,

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as much gold as I could eat.

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After having his way with me, voom!

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Like a rat out of an aqueduct.

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The bastard!

0:16:490:16:50

So next time you go on about the bloody Romans,

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don't forget you're one of them.

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I'm not a Roman!

0:16:550:16:56

And I never will be!

0:16:560:16:58

I'm a kike, a yid, a hebe, a hooknose!

0:16:580:17:01

I'm kosher, Mum!

0:17:010:17:03

I'm a Red Sea pedestrian and proud of it!

0:17:030:17:06

Huh!

0:17:080:17:09

Sex, sex, sex, that's all they think about, eh?

0:17:090:17:13

Well, how are you, then, officer?

0:17:130:17:16

FANFARE

0:17:160:17:18

LIGHT APPLAUSE

0:17:230:17:26

Ladies and gentlemen

0:17:320:17:34

the next contest is between

0:17:340:17:38

Frank Goliath, the Macedonian baby crusher,

0:17:380:17:43

and Boris Fineberg.

0:17:430:17:47

Thank you, madam. >

0:17:460:17:48

Larks' tongues.

0:17:480:17:50

Wrens' livers.

0:17:500:17:51

Chaffinch brains.

0:17:510:17:53

Jaguars' earlobes.

0:17:530:17:55

Wolf nipple chips.

0:17:550:17:57

Get them while they're hot.

0:17:570:17:58

Dromedary pretzels, only half a denarii.

0:17:580:18:00

Tuscany-fried bat ears.

0:18:000:18:02

I do feel, Reg,

0:18:020:18:03

that any anti-imperialist group like ours

0:18:030:18:06

must reflect such a divergence of interest

0:18:060:18:08

within its power base.

0:18:080:18:09

Agree. Francis?

0:18:090:18:11

I think Judith's point of view is valid, Reg,

0:18:100:18:13

provided the movement never forgets

0:18:130:18:15

that it is the unalienable right of every man...

0:18:150:18:18

Or woman.

0:18:180:18:19

..to rid himself...

0:18:190:18:20

Or herself.

0:18:200:18:21

Agree. Thanks, brother. Or sister.

0:18:210:18:25

Where was I?

0:18:250:18:27

I think you finished.

0:18:270:18:28

Oh, right.

0:18:280:18:29

Furthermore,

0:18:290:18:30

it's the birthright of every man...

0:18:300:18:32

Or woman.

0:18:320:18:33

Shut up about women, Stan.

0:18:330:18:34

Women have a right to play a part

0:18:340:18:37

in our movement, Reg.

0:18:370:18:38

Why are you always on about women?

0:18:380:18:40

I want to be one.

0:18:400:18:42

What?

0:18:440:18:46

I want to be a woman.

0:18:460:18:48

From now on, I want you all to call me Loretta.

0:18:480:18:52

What?

0:18:520:18:53

It's my right as a man.

0:18:530:18:55

Well, why do you want to be Loretta, Stan?

0:18:550:18:59

I want to have babies.

0:18:590:19:01

You want to have babies?

0:19:010:19:04

It's every man's right to have babies.

0:19:040:19:06

But you can't have babies.

0:19:060:19:08

Don't you oppress me.

0:19:080:19:09

I'm not oppressing you, Stan.

0:19:090:19:11

You haven't got a womb.

0:19:110:19:12

Where's the fetus going to gestate?

0:19:120:19:14

You going to keep it in a box?

0:19:140:19:17

HE SNIFFLES

0:19:170:19:18

Here, I've got an idea.

0:19:190:19:21

Suppose you agree he can't actually have babies -

0:19:210:19:23

not having a womb - which is nobody's fault,

0:19:230:19:26

not even the Romans',

0:19:260:19:27

but that he can have the RIGHT to have babies.

0:19:270:19:30

Good idea, Judith.

0:19:300:19:32

We shall fight the oppressors

0:19:320:19:33

for your right to have babies, brother...sister.

0:19:330:19:36

What's the point?

0:19:360:19:38

What?

0:19:380:19:39

What's the point of fighting

0:19:390:19:40

for his right to have babies

0:19:400:19:42

when he can't have babies?

0:19:420:19:45

It is symbolic of our struggle against oppression.

0:19:440:19:48

Symbolic of his struggle against reality.

0:19:500:19:52

FANFARE

0:19:520:19:55

Get out there! Get out!

0:19:580:20:00

It's dangerous out there!

0:20:000:20:02

Aah! Oh!

0:20:020:20:03

Boo! Boo! What a load of rubbish!

0:20:190:20:23

Dogs' tongues.

0:20:230:20:25

Otters' noses.

0:20:250:20:26

Ocelot spleens.

0:20:260:20:27

Any nuts?

0:20:270:20:28

I haven't got any nuts.

0:20:280:20:30

I've got wrens' livers, badger spleens.

0:20:300:20:32

No, no, no.

0:20:320:20:33

Otters' noses?

0:20:330:20:34

I don't want Roman rubbish.

0:20:340:20:35

Why don't you sell proper food?

0:20:350:20:37

Proper food?

0:20:370:20:38

Yeah, not those rich imperialist tidbits.

0:20:380:20:41

I didn't ask to sell this stuff.

0:20:410:20:44

Bag of otters' noses then.

0:20:440:20:46

Make it two.

0:20:460:20:47

Two.

0:20:470:20:48

Thanks, Reg.

0:20:480:20:49

Are you the Judean People's Front?

0:20:490:20:51

Fuck off!

0:20:510:20:52

What?

0:20:520:20:53

Judean People's Front!

0:20:530:20:56

We're the People's Front Of Judea.

0:20:560:20:58

Judean People's Front!

0:20:580:21:00

Wankers!

0:21:000:21:02

Can I join your group?

0:21:030:21:06

Piss off!

0:21:060:21:07

I didn't want to sell this stuff.

0:21:070:21:09

I hate the Romans.

0:21:090:21:11

Shh! Shh!

0:21:110:21:13

Are you sure?

0:21:130:21:14

Oh, dead sure. I hate the Romans already.

0:21:140:21:17

Listen, if you wanted to join the PFJ,

0:21:170:21:21

you'd have to REALLY hate the Romans.

0:21:210:21:24

I do.

0:21:240:21:25

Oh, yeah? How much?

0:21:250:21:27

A lot.

0:21:270:21:29

Right. You're in.

0:21:300:21:32

Listen, the only people we hate

0:21:320:21:34

more than the Romans

0:21:340:21:36

are the fucking Judean People's Front.

0:21:360:21:38

Yeah! Yes!

0:21:370:21:39

And the Judean Popular People's Front.

0:21:380:21:41

Yes! Oh, yeah!

0:21:410:21:42

And the People's Front Of Judea.

0:21:420:21:45

What?

0:21:450:21:46

The People's Front Of Judea. Splitters!

0:21:450:21:47

We're the People's Front Of Judea!

0:21:470:21:50

Oh. I thought we were the Popular Front.

0:21:500:21:53

People's Front!

0:21:530:21:55

Whatever happened to the Popular Front?

0:21:550:21:58

He's over there.

0:21:580:21:59

Splitter! Splitter!

0:22:020:22:03

Oh...oh...

0:22:090:22:11

I think I'm about to have a cardiac arrest.

0:22:110:22:14

CROWD: Boo! Boo!

0:22:140:22:15

Absolutely dreadful.

0:22:150:22:18

CROWD CHEERS

0:22:180:22:20

Brother!

0:22:290:22:31

What's your name?

0:22:320:22:34

Brian. Brian Cohen.

0:22:340:22:36

We may have a little job for you, Brian.

0:22:360:22:40

What's this, then?

0:23:320:23:34

"Romanes eunt domus"?

0:23:340:23:36

"People called Romanes, they go the house?"

0:23:360:23:40

It-it says, "Romans go home."

0:23:390:23:41

No, it doesn't.

0:23:410:23:43

What's Latin for Roman?

0:23:430:23:45

Come on, come on.

0:23:450:23:46

Romanus?

0:23:460:23:47

Goes like?

0:23:470:23:48

Anus?

0:23:480:23:49

Formative plural of anus is?

0:23:490:23:51

Ani?

0:23:510:23:52

Romani.

0:23:520:23:53

Eunt? What is eunt?

0:23:540:23:56

Go.

0:23:560:23:57

Conjugate the verb "to go."

0:23:570:23:59

Ire, eo, is, ite, emus, itis, eunt.

0:23:590:24:02

So, eunt is?

0:24:020:24:03

Uh, uh... third person plural,

0:24:030:24:05

present indicative. "They go."

0:24:050:24:07

But "Romans go home" is an order,

0:24:070:24:09

so you must use the...

0:24:090:24:11

The imperative?

0:24:110:24:12

Which is?

0:24:120:24:13

Um...

0:24:130:24:14

Um, um, um... I... i...

0:24:140:24:16

How many Romans?

0:24:160:24:17

Plural, plural. Ite.

0:24:170:24:19

Ite.

0:24:190:24:20

Domus.

0:24:220:24:23

Nominative.

0:24:230:24:25

"Go home," this is motion towards, isn't it, boy?

0:24:250:24:28

Dative.

0:24:280:24:29

Aah! Oh! Not dative, not dative!

0:24:290:24:31

No! Uh, uh...

0:24:310:24:33

The accusative! Accusative!

0:24:320:24:34

Uh, domum, sir. Domum.

0:24:340:24:36

Except that domus takes the...

0:24:360:24:38

The locative!

0:24:380:24:39

Which is?

0:24:390:24:40

Domum!

0:24:400:24:41

Domum.

0:24:410:24:42

Um.

0:24:420:24:44

Understand?

0:24:440:24:45

Yes, sir.

0:24:450:24:46

Write that 100 times.

0:24:460:24:47

Yes, sir. Thank you. Hail caesar.

0:24:470:24:49

Hail Caesar. Finish it by sunrise,

0:24:490:24:51

or I'll cut your balls off.

0:24:510:24:53

Thank you, sir! Hail Caesar, sir!

0:24:530:24:55

Finished!

0:25:160:25:17

Right.

0:25:180:25:19

Now don't do it again.

0:25:190:25:22

Hey, bloody Romans!

0:25:450:25:46

We're getting in

0:26:200:26:21

through this underground heating system,

0:26:210:26:23

up through the main audience chamber here,

0:26:230:26:26

and Pilate's wife's bedroom is here.

0:26:260:26:28

Having grabbed his wife,

0:26:280:26:30

we inform Pilate that she's in our custody

0:26:300:26:33

and forthwith issue our demands.

0:26:330:26:34

Any questions?

0:26:340:26:35

What exactly are the demands?

0:26:350:26:37

We're giving Pilate two days

0:26:370:26:39

to dismantle the entire apparatus

0:26:390:26:40

of the Roman imperialist state.

0:26:400:26:41

Unless he agrees immediately,

0:26:410:26:43

we execute her.

0:26:430:26:44

Cut her head off?

0:26:440:26:45

Cut all her bits off,

0:26:450:26:47

send them back hourly.

0:26:470:26:48

Show them we won't be trifled with.

0:26:480:26:50

And, of course, we point out

0:26:500:26:52

that they bear full responsibility

0:26:520:26:54

when we chop her up

0:26:540:26:55

and that we shall not submit to blackmail!

0:26:550:26:58

No blackmail! No blackmail!

0:26:580:27:00

They bled us white, the bastards.

0:27:000:27:02

They've taken everything we had.

0:27:020:27:04

Not just from us -

0:27:040:27:05

from our fathers, and our fathers' fathers.

0:27:050:27:08

And from our fathers'

0:27:080:27:09

fathers' fathers.

0:27:090:27:10

Yeah.

0:27:100:27:11

And from our fathers'

0:27:110:27:12

fathers' fathers' fathers.

0:27:120:27:13

Don't labour the point.

0:27:130:27:14

And what have they ever given us in return?

0:27:140:27:17

The aqueduct?

0:27:190:27:21

What?

0:27:200:27:22

The aqueduct.

0:27:220:27:23

Oh...yeah, yeah. They did give us that.

0:27:230:27:25

That's true.

0:27:250:27:26

And the sanitation.

0:27:260:27:27

Oh, yeah.

0:27:270:27:28

The sanitation, Reg.

0:27:280:27:29

Remember what the city used to be like?

0:27:290:27:32

All right, I'll grant you

0:27:320:27:34

the aqueduct and the sanitation.

0:27:340:27:35

And the roads.

0:27:350:27:37

Well, obviously the roads.

0:27:370:27:38

The roads go without saying, don't they?

0:27:380:27:40

But apart from the sanitation,

0:27:400:27:42

the aqueduct, and the roads...

0:27:420:27:44

Irrigation? Medicine?

0:27:440:27:45

Education?

0:27:450:27:47

All right, fair enough...

0:27:470:27:48

And the wine.

0:27:480:27:49

Yes. Oh, yes.

0:27:490:27:51

Yeah, that's something we'd really miss if the Romans left.

0:27:510:27:54

Public baths.

0:27:540:27:55

It's safe to walk the streets

0:27:550:27:57

at night now, Reg.

0:27:570:27:58

They're the only ones who could keep order

0:27:580:28:00

in a place like this.

0:28:000:28:02

THEY LAUGH

0:28:020:28:03

All right, but apart

0:28:030:28:05

from the sanitation, the medicine,

0:28:050:28:06

education, wine, public order, irrigation,

0:28:060:28:08

roads, the fresh water system,

0:28:080:28:10

and public health,

0:28:100:28:11

what have the Romans ever done for us?

0:28:110:28:15

Brought peace.

0:28:150:28:17

Oh, peace.

0:28:160:28:18

Shut up!

0:28:180:28:19

POUNDING ON DOOR

0:28:190:28:21

KNOCK AT DOOR

0:28:270:28:29

I'm a poor man.

0:28:290:28:31

My stomach is poor,

0:28:310:28:32

my legs are old and bent.

0:28:320:28:34

It's all right, Matthias.

0:28:340:28:36

It's all clear.

0:28:360:28:38

Well, where's Reg?

0:28:450:28:47

Oh, Reg!

0:28:480:28:49

Reg!

0:28:490:28:50

It's Judith.

0:28:500:28:52

What went wrong?

0:28:520:28:53

The first blow has been struck!

0:28:530:28:56

Did he finish the slogan?

0:28:550:28:57

A hundred times!

0:28:570:28:59

In letters 10-foot high,

0:28:580:29:00

all the way around the palace.

0:29:000:29:03

Oh, great!

0:29:030:29:05

Great!

0:29:050:29:06

We need doers in our movement, Brian,

0:29:060:29:08

but before you join us, know this -

0:29:080:29:10

there's not one here

0:29:100:29:11

who would not gladly suffer death

0:29:110:29:13

to rid this country of the Romans forever.

0:29:130:29:15

< Uh, well, one.

0:29:150:29:17

Oh, yeah. There's one.

0:29:170:29:19

But otherwise, we're solid. Are you with us?

0:29:190:29:21

Yes!

0:29:210:29:22

From now on, you shall be called

0:29:220:29:25

Brian that is called Brian.

0:29:250:29:28

Tell him about the raid on Pilate's palace.

0:29:280:29:31

Right.

0:29:310:29:32

This is the plan...

0:29:320:29:33

'Now, this is the palace on Caesar's Square.

0:29:330:29:36

'Our commandos will approach

0:29:360:29:38

'from Fish Street at night

0:29:380:29:39

'and make our way

0:29:390:29:41

'to the north-western main drain.

0:29:410:29:43

'If questioned, we are sewage workers

0:29:430:29:45

'on our way to a conference.

0:29:450:29:47

'Reg, our glorious leader

0:29:470:29:49

'and founder of the PFJ,

0:29:490:29:51

'will be coordinating consultant

0:29:510:29:52

'at the drain head,

0:29:520:29:53

'though he himself will not be taking part

0:29:530:29:56

'in any terrorist action

0:29:560:29:57

'as he has a bad back.'

0:29:570:29:59

Aren't you coming along?

0:29:590:30:00

Solidarity, brother.

0:30:000:30:01

Oh, yes... solidarity, Reg.

0:30:010:30:03

'Once in the sewer,

0:30:030:30:05

'timing will be of the essence.

0:30:050:30:07

'There's a Roman feast later in the evening,

0:30:070:30:09

'so move fast,

0:30:090:30:10

'and don't wear your best sandals.

0:30:100:30:12

'Turning left here,

0:30:120:30:13

we enter the Caesar Augustus memorial sewer,

0:30:130:30:16

'and from there proceed directly to the hypocaust.

0:30:160:30:18

'This has just been retiled, so terrorists -

0:30:180:30:21

'careful with those weapons!

0:30:210:30:23

'We will now be directly beneath

0:30:230:30:25

'Pilate's audience chamber itself.

0:30:250:30:27

'This is the moment

0:30:270:30:28

'for Habbakuk to get out his prong.'

0:30:280:30:31

Shh!

0:31:270:31:29

< Shh!

0:31:290:31:30

Campaign For Free Galilee.

0:31:460:31:48

Oh, uh...

0:31:480:31:49

People's Front Of Judea.

0:31:490:31:51

Officials.

0:31:510:31:52

Oh.

0:31:520:31:53

What're you doing here?

0:31:530:31:55

Kidnap pilot's wife,

0:31:550:31:56

take her back, issue demands.

0:31:560:31:57

So are we. That's our plan.

0:31:570:32:00

We were here first.

0:32:000:32:01

What do you mean?

0:32:010:32:03

We thought of it first,

0:32:030:32:05

a couple of years ago.

0:32:050:32:06

THEY LAUGH

0:32:060:32:08

All your demands worked out?

0:32:080:32:10

Of course.

0:32:100:32:11

What are they?

0:32:110:32:12

I'm not telling you.

0:32:120:32:14

That's not the point.

0:32:140:32:15

We thought of it before you.

0:32:150:32:18

Did not.

0:32:180:32:19

We bloody did!

0:32:190:32:20

We've planned this for months.

0:32:200:32:22

Tough titty for you, fish face.

0:32:220:32:24

Ow!

0:32:240:32:25

Brothers, we should be struggling together.

0:32:270:32:29

We are.

0:32:290:32:30

Ohh!

0:32:300:32:32

We musn't fight each other.

0:32:320:32:33

We should be united against the common enemy.

0:32:330:32:36

The Judean People's Front!

0:32:360:32:39

No, no. The Romans.

0:32:390:32:40

Oh. Yeah. Uh-huh. Yes.

0:32:400:32:44

(Look out!)

0:32:430:32:45

All right, where were we?

0:32:510:32:52

You had a punch coming.

0:32:520:32:54

Oh, yeah.

0:32:540:32:55

Brothers!

0:33:170:33:18

WHACK!

0:33:360:33:37

Ohh!

0:33:460:33:48

WHIP CRACKS

0:33:480:33:49

Aah!

0:33:490:33:51

Ha ha ha!

0:34:100:34:11

HE SPITS

0:34:110:34:13

< You lucky bastard.

0:34:180:34:20

Who's that?

0:34:200:34:22

You lucky, lucky bastard.

0:34:220:34:25

Proper little jailer's pet, aren't we?

0:34:240:34:27

What do you mean?

0:34:270:34:28

You must have slipped him a few shekels.

0:34:280:34:31

Slipped him shekels? You saw him spit in my face.

0:34:310:34:34

What wouldn't I give to be spat at in the face?

0:34:340:34:38

I sometimes hang awake nights

0:34:380:34:40

dreaming of being spat at in the face.

0:34:400:34:43

It's not exactly friendly.

0:34:430:34:44

They have me in manacles.

0:34:440:34:46

Manacles! Ahh.

0:34:460:34:48

My idea of heaven

0:34:480:34:49

is to be put in manacles just for a few hours.

0:34:490:34:54

They must think the sun shines out of your arse, sonny.

0:34:540:34:58

I've had a hard time.

0:34:580:35:00

YOU'VE had a hard time?

0:35:000:35:01

I've been here five years.

0:35:010:35:03

They only hung me the right way up yesterday.

0:35:030:35:06

All right, all right.

0:35:060:35:08

They must think you're Lord God Almighty.

0:35:080:35:12

What will they do to me?

0:35:120:35:14

You'll get away with crucifixion.

0:35:140:35:16

Crucifixion!?

0:35:160:35:17

Yeah. First offence.

0:35:170:35:19

Get away with crucifixion(?) It's...

0:35:190:35:21

Best thing the Romans ever did for us.

0:35:210:35:24

If we didn't have crucifixion,

0:35:240:35:26

this country would be in a bloody mess.

0:35:260:35:28

Nail 'em up, I say.

0:35:280:35:30

Guard!

0:35:300:35:31

Nail some sense into 'em.

0:35:310:35:33

What do you want?

0:35:330:35:35

Move me to another cell. GUARD SPITS

0:35:350:35:36

Ha!

0:35:360:35:37

Aah.

0:35:370:35:38

Oh. Look at that.

0:35:380:35:40

Bloody favouritism.

0:35:400:35:42

Shut up, you.

0:35:420:35:43

Sorry.

0:35:430:35:44

Now, take my case.

0:35:460:35:48

I've hung here five years.

0:35:480:35:50

Every night they take me down for 20 minutes,

0:35:500:35:53

then hang me up again.

0:35:530:35:55

Very fair in view of what I done.

0:35:550:35:58

It's taught me to respect the Romans.

0:35:580:36:00

It's taught me you'll never get anywhere in this life

0:36:000:36:04

unless you're prepared to do a fair day's work

0:36:040:36:08

for a fair day's...

0:36:080:36:09

Shut up!

0:36:090:36:11

Pilate wants to see you.

0:36:130:36:15

Me? What's he want to see me for?

0:36:150:36:18

Wants to know how you want to be crucified?

0:36:180:36:21

Oh, ha ha ha ha!

0:36:210:36:23

Nice one, centurion. Like it, like it.

0:36:230:36:25

Shut up!

0:36:250:36:26

Right. Right.

0:36:260:36:28

Terrific race, the Romans.

0:36:290:36:31

Terrific.

0:36:310:36:33

This will make a nice living area.

0:36:420:36:45

MARCHING FEET

0:36:450:36:48

Hail Caesar.

0:36:500:36:51

Only one survivor, sir.

0:36:510:36:52

Ah!

0:36:520:36:53

HE LISPS: Thwow him down!

0:36:530:36:55

What's that?

0:36:550:36:56

Thwow him to the floor.

0:36:560:36:58

Ah.

0:36:580:36:59

Aah!

0:37:000:37:02

Hmm.

0:37:020:37:03

Now, what is your name...Jew?

0:37:030:37:06

Brian, sir.

0:37:060:37:08

Bwian, eh?

0:37:080:37:09

No. Brian.

0:37:090:37:10

Ow!

0:37:110:37:12

Ha ha.

0:37:120:37:13

The little wascal has spiwit.

0:37:130:37:16

Has what, sir?

0:37:160:37:17

Spiwit.

0:37:170:37:18

Yes. He did, sir.

0:37:180:37:20

No, no.

0:37:200:37:21

Spiwit, bwavado,

0:37:210:37:23

a touch of dewwing-do.

0:37:230:37:25

Oh. About 11:00, sir.

0:37:250:37:27

Tho...you dare to waid us.

0:37:300:37:33

To what, sir?

0:37:330:37:35

Stwike him, centuwion.

0:37:350:37:36

Vewy woughly.

0:37:360:37:37

Ow!

0:37:370:37:38

Oh, and thwow him to the floor, sir?

0:37:380:37:41

What?

0:37:410:37:42

Thwow him down again?

0:37:420:37:43

Oh, yes, please.

0:37:430:37:45

Ow!

0:37:460:37:47

Now...Jewish wapscallion...

0:37:470:37:51

I'm not Jewish. I'm a Roman.

0:37:510:37:53

A Woman?

0:37:530:37:54

No, no. Roman.

0:37:540:37:56

Ow!

0:37:560:37:57

Oh, your father was a Woman?

0:37:570:38:00

Who was he?

0:38:000:38:02

He was a centurion.

0:38:020:38:03

In the Jerusalem garrisons.

0:38:030:38:06

Weally?

0:38:060:38:07

What was his name?

0:38:070:38:09

Naughtius Maximus.

0:38:090:38:11

HE LAUGHS

0:38:110:38:13

Centuwion, do you have anyone of that name

0:38:140:38:17

in the gawwison?

0:38:170:38:19

Well, no, sir.

0:38:190:38:20

You sound vewy sure.

0:38:200:38:22

Have you checked?

0:38:220:38:24

Well, no, sir.

0:38:240:38:26

Um, I think it's a joke, sir.

0:38:260:38:28

Like Sillius Sodus or Biggus Dickus, sir.

0:38:280:38:32

GUARDS CHORTLE

0:38:320:38:33

What's so funny about Biggus Dickus?

0:38:330:38:37

Well, it's a joke name, sir.

0:38:370:38:40

I have a vewy gweat fwiend in wome

0:38:400:38:43

called Biggus Dickus.

0:38:430:38:45

GUARD CHORTLES

0:38:450:38:47

Silence!

0:38:470:38:48

What is all this insolence?

0:38:480:38:50

You will find yourself in gladiator school

0:38:500:38:52

vewy quickly

0:38:520:38:53

with wotten behavior like that.

0:38:530:38:55

Can I go now?

0:38:550:38:57

Ow!

0:38:570:38:58

Wait till Biggus Dickus hears this.

0:38:590:39:01

GUARD CHORTLES

0:39:010:39:02

Wight! Take him away.

0:39:020:39:05

Oh, sir, he...

0:39:050:39:07

I want him fighting wabid wild animals within a week.

0:39:070:39:10

Come on, you.

0:39:100:39:12

I'll not have my fwiends widiculed

0:39:130:39:16

by the common soldiewy.

0:39:160:39:19

Anybody else feel like a little

0:39:200:39:24

giggle

0:39:240:39:26

when I mention my fwiend

0:39:250:39:29

Biggus...

0:39:290:39:30

HE CHORTLES QUIETLY

0:39:300:39:32

..Dickus?

0:39:320:39:33

What about you?

0:39:370:39:39

Do you find it...

0:39:390:39:40

wisible...

0:39:400:39:42

..when I say the name...

0:39:440:39:47

Biggus...

0:39:470:39:48

HE SQUEAKS

0:39:480:39:50

..Dickus?

0:39:500:39:52

GUARDS CHORTLE

0:39:520:39:53

He has a wife, you know.

0:40:100:40:12

You know what she's called?

0:40:130:40:15

She's called...

0:40:180:40:21

Incontinentia.

0:40:210:40:22

Incontinentia Buttocks.

0:40:240:40:26

Shut up!

0:40:260:40:27

What is all this?

0:40:270:40:29

I've had enough of this wowdy behaviour.

0:40:290:40:32

Silence!

0:40:320:40:34

You call yourself centuwion guards?

0:40:340:40:36

Seize him!

0:40:360:40:37

Blow your noses and seize him.

0:40:370:40:40

Hmm?

0:40:510:40:53

Oh.

0:40:530:40:55

HE WHISTLES A TUNE

0:41:000:41:03

Aaaaaah!

0:41:150:41:17

THEY SPEAK ALIEN LANGUAGE

0:41:250:41:29

ALARM SOUNDS

0:41:290:41:33

Ooh, you lucky bastard.

0:42:310:42:34

And the prisons shall be huge and black,

0:42:500:42:53

and the aisles thereof

0:42:530:42:55

red with the blood of living creatures.

0:42:550:42:58

And the whore of Babylon

0:42:580:43:00

shall ride forth on a three-headed serpent,

0:43:000:43:04

and throughout the lands

0:43:040:43:05

there will be a great rubbing of parts.

0:43:050:43:09

The demon shall bear a nine-bladed sword.

0:43:080:43:13

Nine-bladed,

0:43:130:43:14

not two or five or seven,

0:43:140:43:16

but nine!

0:43:160:43:17

Which he will wield on all wretched sinners

0:43:170:43:20

just like you, sir, there.

0:43:200:43:22

And the horns shall be on the head...

0:43:220:43:25

...Hebediah and his servants.

0:43:250:43:26

There shall in that time

0:43:260:43:28

be rumours of things going astray.

0:43:280:43:31

Um, and there shall be a great confusion

0:43:310:43:34

as to where things really are,

0:43:340:43:36

and nobody will really know

0:43:360:43:38

where lieth those little things

0:43:380:43:40

with a sort of raffia-work base

0:43:400:43:43

that has an attachment.

0:43:430:43:44

At this time,

0:43:440:43:46

a friend shall lose his friend's hammer,

0:43:460:43:49

and the young shall not know where lieth

0:43:490:43:52

the things possessed by their fathers

0:43:520:43:55

that their fathers put there

0:43:540:43:56

only just the night before.

0:43:560:43:59

Yea, it is written in the Book of Cyril,

0:43:590:44:01

that in that time...

0:44:010:44:04

How much? Quick.

0:44:130:44:14

What?

0:44:140:44:15

It's for the wife.

0:44:150:44:17

Oh, uh...20 shekels.

0:44:170:44:18

Right.

0:44:180:44:19

There you are.

0:44:190:44:21

Wait a minute.

0:44:210:44:22

We're supposed to haggle.

0:44:220:44:24

No, no.

0:44:240:44:25

What do you mean?

0:44:250:44:26

I haven't got time.

0:44:260:44:28

Give it back then.

0:44:280:44:29

I just paid you.

0:44:290:44:30

Burt, this bloke won't haggle.

0:44:300:44:32

Won't haggle?

0:44:320:44:33

Do we have to?

0:44:330:44:34

I want 20 for that.

0:44:340:44:36

I gave you 20.

0:44:360:44:38

Are you saying that's not worth 20 shekels?

0:44:380:44:41

Feel the quality.

0:44:410:44:42

I'll give you 19.

0:44:420:44:43

Come on. Do it properly.

0:44:430:44:45

Haggle properly.

0:44:450:44:46

This isn't worth 19.

0:44:460:44:48

You said it's worth 20.

0:44:480:44:50

Come on. Haggle.

0:44:500:44:51

All right. I'll give you 10.

0:44:510:44:54

That's more like it.

0:44:530:44:55

10? You trying to insult me?

0:44:550:44:57

Me, with a poor dying grandmother?

0:44:570:44:59

All right. 11.

0:44:590:45:01

11? Did I hear you right?

0:45:010:45:03

This cost me 12.

0:45:030:45:05

Want to ruin me?

0:45:050:45:06

17?

0:45:060:45:07

No, no, no. 17.

0:45:070:45:09

18.

0:45:090:45:10

Go to 14 now.

0:45:100:45:11

14.

0:45:110:45:13

14? Are you joking?

0:45:130:45:14

That's what you said.

0:45:140:45:16

Tell me what to say.

0:45:160:45:18

Offer 14.

0:45:190:45:20

14.

0:45:200:45:21

He's offering me 14 for this.

0:45:210:45:23

15.

0:45:230:45:24

17. Not a penny less.

0:45:240:45:27

16. Done.

0:45:270:45:29

Nice to do business with you.

0:45:290:45:31

I'll throw in this.

0:45:310:45:32

I don't want it.

0:45:320:45:34

Burt.

0:45:340:45:35

All right. All right.

0:45:350:45:36

Where's the 16?

0:45:360:45:38

I just gave you 20.

0:45:380:45:40

I owe you 4.

0:45:400:45:41

I've got it somewhere.

0:45:410:45:42

4 for the gourd.

0:45:420:45:44

4? For this gourd?

0:45:440:45:46

It's worth 10 if it's worth a shekel.

0:45:460:45:49

You just gave it away.

0:45:490:45:51

But it's WORTH 10.

0:45:510:45:53

All right, all right.

0:45:530:45:54

No, no, no. It's not worth 10.

0:45:570:46:00

You're supposed to argue -

0:46:000:46:01

"10? You must be mad."

0:46:010:46:03

There's one born every minute.

0:46:050:46:07

Daniel.

0:46:080:46:10

Daniel.

0:46:100:46:11

Job.

0:46:110:46:12

Job.

0:46:120:46:13

Joshua.

0:46:130:46:14

Joshua.

0:46:140:46:15

Judges.

0:46:150:46:16

Judges.

0:46:160:46:17

And Brian.

0:46:170:46:18

And Brian.

0:46:180:46:19

And Brian.

0:46:190:46:20

I propose that all seven of these ex-brothers

0:46:200:46:23

be now entered in the minutes

0:46:230:46:25

as probationary martyrs to the cause.

0:46:250:46:27

I second that, Reg.

0:46:270:46:28

Thank you, Loretta.

0:46:280:46:30

On the nod.

0:46:300:46:31

Siblings, let us not be downhearted.

0:46:310:46:34

One total catastrophe like this

0:46:340:46:38

is just the beginning.

0:46:380:46:39

Their glorious deaths should unite us all...

0:46:390:46:43

Look out.

0:46:430:46:45

Hello?

0:46:550:46:56

Matthias?

0:46:570:46:58

Reg?

0:46:590:47:00

Go away.

0:47:000:47:01

Reg?

0:47:020:47:03

It's me - Brian.

0:47:030:47:05

Get off out of it.

0:47:050:47:06

Stan!

0:47:060:47:07

Piss off!

0:47:070:47:08

Yeah, piss off!

0:47:080:47:10

Bugger off!

0:47:100:47:11

POUNDING ON DOOR

0:47:110:47:12

Oh...

0:47:120:47:13

Shit!

0:47:130:47:14

Coming!

0:47:160:47:17

POUNDING CONTINUES

0:47:180:47:19

Yea, verily at that time,

0:47:220:47:23

it was written in the Book Of Obadiah -

0:47:230:47:26

"A man shall strike his donkey

0:47:260:47:28

and his nephew's donkey..."

0:47:270:47:30

My eyes are dim, I cannot see.

0:47:330:47:36

Are you Matthias?

0:47:360:47:38

Yes.

0:47:380:47:39

We have reason to believe

0:47:390:47:40

you're hiding Brian of Nazareth,

0:47:400:47:42

a member of the terrorist organisation,

0:47:420:47:44

the People's Front Of Judea.

0:47:440:47:45

Me? No.

0:47:450:47:46

I'm just a poor old man.

0:47:460:47:48

I've no time for lawbreakers.

0:47:480:47:50

My legs are grey, my ears are null,

0:47:500:47:52

my eyes are old and bent...

0:47:520:47:54

Quiet!

0:47:540:47:55

Silly person.

0:47:540:47:55

Guards, search the house!

0:47:550:47:57

You know the penalty laid down by Roman law

0:48:070:48:10

for harbouring a known criminal?

0:48:100:48:12

No.

0:48:120:48:13

Crucifixion.

0:48:130:48:14

Oh.

0:48:140:48:15

Nasty, eh?

0:48:170:48:18

Could be worse.

0:48:180:48:20

What do you mean, "could be worse"?

0:48:200:48:22

Well, it could be stabbed.

0:48:220:48:24

Stabbed? It takes a second!

0:48:240:48:26

Crucifixion lasts hours!

0:48:260:48:28

It's a slow, horrible death.

0:48:280:48:30

Well, at least it gets you

0:48:300:48:32

out in the open air.

0:48:320:48:34

You're weird.

0:48:340:48:36

Couldn't find anything, sir.

0:48:440:48:46

But don't worry,

0:48:470:48:48

you've not seen the last of us...

0:48:480:48:50

..weirdo.

0:48:500:48:51

Big nose!

0:48:510:48:52

Watch it.

0:48:520:48:53

Whew, that was lucky.

0:48:560:48:58

I'm sorry, Reg.

0:49:020:49:03

Oh, it's all right, siblings...he's sorry.

0:49:030:49:05

He's sorry he led the fifth legion

0:49:050:49:07

straight to our official headquarters.

0:49:070:49:09

That's all right then, Brian.

0:49:090:49:11

Sit down. Make yourself at home.

0:49:110:49:13

You klutz!

0:49:130:49:15

You stupid, bird-brained,

0:49:150:49:17

flat-headed...

0:49:170:49:18

POUNDING ON DOOR

0:49:180:49:21

POUNDING CONTINUES

0:49:250:49:26

My legs are old and bent,

0:49:260:49:28

my ears are grizzled. Yes?

0:49:280:49:30

There's one place we didn't look.

0:49:300:49:33

Guards!

0:49:330:49:34

I'm just a poor old man.

0:49:340:49:36

My sight is poor, my legs are poor,

0:49:360:49:38

and my nose is knackered.

0:49:380:49:39

Have you ever seen anyone crucified?

0:49:390:49:42

Crucifixion's a doddle.

0:49:420:49:43

Don't keep saying that.

0:49:440:49:46

Found this spoon, sir.

0:49:500:49:52

Well done, Sergeant.

0:49:530:49:54

We'll be back...oddball.

0:49:550:49:58

POUNDING ON DOOR

0:50:000:50:02

Open up.

0:50:020:50:03

You haven't given us time to hide.

0:50:030:50:06

Aaaaaah!

0:50:070:50:08

Whaaah!

0:50:080:50:09

And with that sword he shall strike you.

0:50:170:50:20

Those who do not repent shall burn fiercely.

0:50:210:50:25

Don't pass judgment on other people,

0:50:280:50:32

or you might get judged yourself.

0:50:320:50:34

What?

0:50:340:50:35

Don't pass judgment on other people,

0:50:350:50:37

or else you might get judged, too.

0:50:370:50:40

Who, me?

0:50:400:50:41

Yes.

0:50:410:50:42

Thank you.

0:50:420:50:43

Not just you. All of you.

0:50:430:50:45

That's a nice gourd.

0:50:450:50:47

How much for the gourd?

0:50:470:50:49

You can have it.

0:50:490:50:50

Have it?

0:50:500:50:51

Consider the lilies...

0:50:510:50:52

Don't you want to haggle?

0:50:520:50:54

..in the field.

0:50:540:50:55

What's wrong with it?

0:50:550:50:57

Consider the lilies?

0:50:570:50:58

Well, the birds, then.

0:50:580:51:00

What birds?

0:51:000:51:01

Any birds.

0:51:010:51:02

Why?

0:51:020:51:03

Have they got jobs?

0:51:030:51:04

Who?

0:51:040:51:05

The birds.

0:51:050:51:06

Have the birds got jobs?

0:51:060:51:08

What's the matter with him?

0:51:080:51:10

Says the birds are scrounging.

0:51:100:51:12

The point is the birds do all right.

0:51:120:51:15

Good luck to 'em.

0:51:150:51:16

They're very pretty.

0:51:160:51:17

You're much more important than they are,

0:51:170:51:20

so what are you worrying about?

0:51:200:51:23

There you are, see?

0:51:230:51:24

What have you got against birds?

0:51:240:51:27

I haven't got anything against birds.

0:51:270:51:29

Consider the lilies.

0:51:290:51:30

He's going after the flowers.

0:51:300:51:32

I'll give you 1 for it.

0:51:320:51:34

It's yours.

0:51:340:51:35

2 then.

0:51:350:51:36

There was this man.

0:51:360:51:38

He had two servants.

0:51:380:51:39

What were they called?

0:51:390:51:40

What were their names?

0:51:400:51:42

I don't know.

0:51:420:51:43

He gave them some talents.

0:51:430:51:45

You don't know?

0:51:450:51:46

He doesn't know what they were called.

0:51:460:51:49

Oh, Simon and Adrian!

0:51:490:51:50

Oh, you said you didn't know.

0:51:500:51:53

It really doesn't matter.

0:51:530:51:54

There were two servants.

0:51:540:51:56

He's making it up as he goes along.

0:51:550:51:58

Wait. Or were there three?

0:51:580:52:00

Oh, he's terrible.

0:52:000:52:02

Stewards.

0:52:020:52:04

Oh, get off!

0:52:040:52:06

Uh...

0:52:080:52:10

Now...now hear this.

0:52:110:52:13

Blessed are they

0:52:130:52:14

who convert their neighbour's oxen,

0:52:140:52:16

for they shall inhibit their girth.

0:52:160:52:19

Rubbish!

0:52:190:52:20

And to them only shall be given...

0:52:200:52:24

To them only...

0:52:240:52:26

shall...

0:52:260:52:28

be given...

0:52:280:52:30

What?

0:52:320:52:33

Hmm?

0:52:330:52:34

Shall be given what?

0:52:340:52:35

Oh, nothing.

0:52:350:52:36

What were you going to say?

0:52:360:52:39

You were going to say something.

0:52:390:52:41

Come on, tell us.

0:52:410:52:43

I'm finished.

0:52:430:52:44

Why won't he tell us?

0:52:440:52:46

He won't say.

0:52:460:52:47

It ain't a secret, is it?

0:52:470:52:50

Oh, tell us.

0:52:500:52:51

Leave me alone.

0:52:510:52:52

Is it the secret of eternal life?

0:52:520:52:55

If I knew, I wouldn't say either.

0:52:550:52:58

Just tell ME, please.

0:52:580:52:59

Tell us, master. We were here first.

0:52:590:53:02

We were here first.

0:53:020:53:04

Go away!

0:53:040:53:05

Tell us, master.

0:53:050:53:06

Is that his gourd?

0:53:060:53:08

Yeah, but it's under offer.

0:53:080:53:10

This is his gourd.

0:53:100:53:12

10!

0:53:120:53:13

It is his gourd.

0:53:130:53:15

We will carry it for you, master.

0:53:150:53:18

Master?

0:53:180:53:19

He's gone.

0:53:190:53:20

He's been taken up.

0:53:200:53:23

He's been taken up!

0:53:230:53:25

19!

0:53:250:53:27

No, there he is.

0:53:270:53:28

Look!

0:53:530:53:55

He has given us a sign.

0:53:550:53:57

He has given us...

0:53:570:53:59

his shoe!

0:53:590:54:00

His shoe is the sign.

0:53:590:54:01

Let us follow his example.

0:54:010:54:03

Let us, like him, hold up one shoe,

0:54:030:54:05

with the other upon our foot.

0:54:050:54:08

This is his sign that all who follow him

0:54:070:54:11

shall do likewise.

0:54:110:54:12

No. The shoe is a sign

0:54:120:54:14

that we must gather shoes.

0:54:140:54:16

Cast off the shoes.

0:54:160:54:18

Follow the gourd.

0:54:180:54:19

Let us gather shoes together.

0:54:190:54:21

No. It is a sign

0:54:210:54:23

we must think not of the things of the body,

0:54:230:54:26

but of the face and head.

0:54:260:54:29

Give me your shoe.

0:54:290:54:30

Get off.

0:54:300:54:31

Follow the gourd,

0:54:310:54:33

the holy gourd of Jerusalem.

0:54:330:54:35

Hold up the sandal.

0:54:350:54:36

It is a shoe.

0:54:360:54:38

It is a sandal.

0:54:380:54:39

No, it's not. It's a shoe.

0:54:390:54:42

Cast it away!

0:54:420:54:43

Put it on!

0:54:430:54:45

Take the shoes and follow him.

0:54:440:54:47

Come, all ye, to the gourd.

0:54:470:54:49

The shoe! The gourd!

0:54:490:54:51

The gourd! The shoe!

0:54:510:54:52

The shoe! The gourd!

0:54:520:54:55

Stop. Let us...

0:54:540:54:57

let us pray.

0:54:570:55:00

Yea, he cometh to us

0:55:000:55:02

like the sea to the grave...

0:55:020:55:05

Master!

0:55:260:55:28

Master!

0:55:280:55:30

Hey! Is there another way down?

0:55:500:55:54

Is there another path down to the river?

0:55:540:55:58

Please help me. I've got to get...

0:55:580:56:01

Oh, my foot! Oh.

0:56:040:56:06

Shh!

0:56:060:56:07

Oh, damn, damn, damn.

0:56:070:56:09

I'm sorry.

0:56:090:56:11

Oh, damn, damn, and blast it.

0:56:100:56:13

I'm sorry. Shh!

0:56:130:56:14

Don't you shh me.

0:56:140:56:15

18 years of total silence,

0:56:150:56:17

and you shh me.

0:56:170:56:19

I've kept my vow for 18 years.

0:56:190:56:22

Not a single articulate sound has passed my lips.

0:56:220:56:25

Could you be quiet for another five minutes?

0:56:250:56:28

It doesn't matter now.

0:56:280:56:29

I might as well enjoy myself.

0:56:290:56:31

The times I've wanted to shout and sing

0:56:310:56:34

and scream my name out.

0:56:330:56:35

Oh, I'm alive!

0:56:350:56:37

Shh!

0:56:370:56:38

# Hava nagilah

0:56:380:56:40

# Hava nagilah

0:56:400:56:41

# Hava nag... #

0:56:410:56:43

I'm alive! I'm alive!

0:56:440:56:46

Hello, birds. Hello, trees.

0:56:460:56:47

I'm alive!

0:56:470:56:50

I'm alive!

0:56:500:56:51

# Hava nagilah

0:56:510:56:53

# Hava na re nen... #

0:56:530:56:54

Master!

0:56:560:56:57

Master!

0:56:570:56:59

The master!

0:56:590:57:00

He is here.

0:57:000:57:02

His shoe!

0:57:020:57:03

Speak! Speak to us, master! Speak to us!

0:57:070:57:10

Go away!

0:57:100:57:12

A blessing!

0:57:120:57:13

A blessing!

0:57:130:57:15

How shall we go away, master?

0:57:150:57:17

Oh, just go away. Leave me alone.

0:57:170:57:19

Give us a sign.

0:57:190:57:21

He HAS given us a sign.

0:57:210:57:23

He's brought us to this place.

0:57:230:57:25

I didn't bring you here. You followed me.

0:57:250:57:28

It's still a good sign by any standard.

0:57:280:57:30

Your people have walked many miles to be with you.

0:57:300:57:34

They're weary and haven't eaten.

0:57:340:57:35

It's not my fault they haven't eaten.

0:57:350:57:38

There's no food in this high mountain.

0:57:380:57:40

What about those juniper bushes there?

0:57:400:57:42

Ah! A miracle!

0:57:430:57:45

A miracle!

0:57:450:57:47

He has made the bush fruitful by his word.

0:57:470:57:50

They've brought forth juniper berries.

0:57:500:57:52

Of course they have. They're juniper bushes!

0:57:520:57:55

What do you expect?

0:57:550:57:57

Show us another miracle.

0:57:570:57:59

Do not tempt him, shallow ones.

0:57:590:58:01

Is not the miracle of the juniper bushes enough?

0:58:010:58:05

I say, those are my juniper bushes.

0:58:050:58:07

They're a gift from God.

0:58:070:58:09

They're all I've bloody got to eat.

0:58:090:58:11

I say, get off those bushes! Go on!

0:58:110:58:14

Lord, I am affected by a bald patch.

0:58:150:58:20

I am healed!

0:58:200:58:21

The master has healed me!

0:58:210:58:23

I didn't touch him!

0:58:230:58:24

I was blind, and now I can see.

0:58:240:58:27

A miracle!

0:58:260:58:28

A miracle!

0:58:280:58:29

A miracle!

0:58:290:58:31

Tell them to stop it.

0:58:320:58:34

I've been silent for 18 years till he came along.

0:58:340:58:37

A miracle!

0:58:370:58:39

He is the Messiah!

0:58:390:58:41

He hurt my foot.

0:58:410:58:43

Hurt mine! Hurt mine!

0:58:420:58:46

Hail Messiah!

0:58:460:58:47

I'm not the Messiah.

0:58:470:58:49

I say you are, and I should know.

0:58:490:58:52

I've followed a few.

0:58:520:58:53

Hail Messiah!

0:58:530:58:55

I'm not the Messiah! Would you please listen?

0:58:550:58:57

I'm not the Messiah.

0:58:570:58:59

Do you understand? Honestly!

0:58:590:59:01

Only the true Messiah denies His divinity.

0:59:010:59:05

What?

0:59:050:59:06

What sort of chance does that give me?

0:59:060:59:09

All right. I AM the Messiah.

0:59:090:59:11

He is!

0:59:110:59:12

He is!

0:59:120:59:13

The Messiah!

0:59:130:59:14

Now fuck off!

0:59:140:59:17

How shall we fuck off, O Lord?

0:59:240:59:26

Just go away. Leave me alone.

0:59:260:59:28

You told them to eat my juniper berries.

0:59:280:59:31

You break my foot,

0:59:310:59:32

you break my vow of silence,

0:59:320:59:34

then you clean out my juniper bushes!

0:59:340:59:37

Lay off!

0:59:370:59:38

This is the Messiah, the chosen one!

0:59:370:59:40

No, he's not.

0:59:400:59:42

An unbeliever!

0:59:420:59:43

An unbeliever!

0:59:430:59:45

Persecute! Kill the heretic!

0:59:450:59:47

Leave him alone! Leave him alone!

0:59:510:59:55

Leave him alone.

0:59:560:59:58

Put him down.

0:59:580:59:59

Please!

0:59:591:00:01

Brian?

1:00:041:00:05

Judith?

1:00:051:00:07

Cock-a-doodle-doo!

1:00:121:00:13

Lord is with us! The chosen one has woken!

1:00:521:00:57

Brian!

1:00:591:01:00

Mother!

1:01:011:01:03

Brian!

1:01:031:01:04

Hang on, mother.

1:01:041:01:06

Shh.

1:01:051:01:07

Hello, mother.

1:01:091:01:10

Don't you "hello mother" me.

1:01:101:01:12

What are all those people doing out there?

1:01:121:01:14

Well...

1:01:141:01:15

What have you been up to, my lad?

1:01:151:01:18

They must have popped by for something.

1:01:181:01:20

Popped by?

1:01:201:01:21

Swarmed by, more like.

1:01:211:01:22

There's a multitude out there.

1:01:221:01:24

They started following me yesterday.

1:01:241:01:26

Well, they can stop following you right now.

1:01:261:01:30

Now stop following my son.

1:01:311:01:33

You ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

1:01:331:01:36

The Messiah! The Messiah!

1:01:361:01:37

The Messiah! The Messiah!

1:01:371:01:38

Show us the Messiah!

1:01:381:01:40

The who?

1:01:401:01:41

The Messiah! The Messiah!

1:01:411:01:43

There's no Messiah in here.

1:01:431:01:45

There's a mess, all right, but no Messiah.

1:01:451:01:47

Now go away!

1:01:471:01:49

Brian! Brian! Brian!

1:01:491:01:50

Right, my lad, what have you been up to?

1:01:501:01:53

Nothing, mum.

1:01:531:01:54

Out with it!

1:01:541:01:55

They think I'm the Messiah.

1:01:551:01:57

What have you been telling them?

1:01:571:01:59

You're only making it worse for yourself.

1:01:591:02:02

I can explain.

1:02:021:02:03

Let me explain, Mrs Cohen.

1:02:031:02:05

Your son is a born leader.

1:02:051:02:08

Those people follow him because they believe in him.

1:02:071:02:10

They believe he can give them hope,

1:02:101:02:13

hope of a new life, a new world,

1:02:131:02:15

a better future!

1:02:151:02:17

Who's that?

1:02:191:02:20

Oh! That's...

1:02:201:02:21

Judith, mum.

1:02:211:02:22

Judith...mother.

1:02:221:02:24

Aah!

1:02:251:02:26

Ooh...

1:02:271:02:29

< Messiah!

1:02:291:02:30

< Messiah!

1:02:301:02:32

Messiah!

1:02:321:02:33

Messiah!

1:02:331:02:34

Now, you listen here.

1:02:341:02:35

He's not the Messiah.

1:02:351:02:37

He's a very naughty boy.

1:02:371:02:39

Now go away.

1:02:391:02:41

Who are you? Who are you?

1:02:411:02:42

I'm his mother, that's who.

1:02:421:02:45

Behold, his mother!

1:02:451:02:47

Behold, his mother!

1:02:471:02:49

Hail to thee, mother of Brian!

1:02:491:02:52

Blessed art thou!

1:02:521:02:54

Hosanna!

1:02:541:02:56

All praise to thee, now and always.

1:02:561:03:00

Don't think you can get around me like that.

1:03:001:03:04

He's not coming out,

1:03:041:03:05

and that's my final word.

1:03:051:03:07

Now shove off!

1:03:081:03:09

No!

1:03:091:03:11

Did you hear what I said?

1:03:111:03:14

Yes!

1:03:141:03:15

Oh. I see.

1:03:151:03:17

It's like that, is it?

1:03:171:03:18

Yes!

1:03:181:03:19

Oh, all right, then.

1:03:191:03:21

You can see him for one minute,

1:03:211:03:23

but not one second more.

1:03:231:03:25

You understand?

1:03:251:03:26

Yes.

1:03:261:03:28

Promise?

1:03:271:03:28

Well, all right.

1:03:281:03:32

All right. Here he is then.

1:03:321:03:34

Come on, Brian. Talk to them.

1:03:341:03:36

Leave that Welsh tart alone.

1:03:361:03:38

I don't really want to.

1:03:381:03:41

Good morning.

1:03:471:03:48

A blessing! A blessing!

1:03:481:03:51

A blessing!

1:03:511:03:52

Please, please, please, listen.

1:03:521:03:56

I've got one or two things to say.

1:03:561:03:58

Tell us! Tell us both of them!

1:03:581:04:01

Look, you've got it all wrong.

1:04:011:04:03

You don't need to follow me.

1:04:031:04:06

You don't need to follow anybody!

1:04:061:04:09

You've got to think for yourselves.

1:04:091:04:12

You're all individuals.

1:04:121:04:14

Yes! We're all individuals!

1:04:141:04:17

You're all different.

1:04:171:04:20

Yes! We're all different! Yes! We're all different!

1:04:191:04:22

I'm not.

1:04:221:04:24

Shh.

1:04:241:04:25

You've all got to work it out for yourselves.

1:04:251:04:29

Yes! We've all got to work it out for ourselves!

1:04:291:04:33

Exactly.

1:04:331:04:35

Tell us more! Tell us more!

1:04:351:04:37

No! That's the point.

1:04:371:04:38

Don't let anyone tell you what to do.

1:04:381:04:41

Otherwise... Ow! No!

1:04:411:04:43

Sit down. That's enough.

1:04:431:04:45

Boo! That wasn't a minute! Boo! That wasn't a minute!

1:04:451:04:50

Oh, yes, it was.

1:04:501:04:52

Oh, no, it wasn't! Oh, no, it wasn't!

1:04:521:04:55

Now stop that,

1:04:551:04:56

and go away.

1:04:561:04:57

Excuse me.

1:04:571:04:58

Yes?

1:04:581:05:00

Are you a virgin?

1:05:001:05:01

I beg your pardon.

1:05:011:05:04

Well, if it's not a personal question,

1:05:041:05:07

are you a virgin?

1:05:071:05:08

"If it's not a personal question?"

1:05:081:05:11

How much more personal can you get?

1:05:111:05:13

Now piss off!

1:05:131:05:15

Must be. She is.

1:05:171:05:18

Yeah. Definitely.

1:05:181:05:20

Morning, Saviour.

1:05:241:05:26

Lay your hands on me, quick!

1:05:341:05:37

Now, don't jostle the chosen one, please!

1:05:371:05:40

Don't push that baby in the Saviour's face.

1:05:401:05:43

I say, I say,

1:05:431:05:45

could he just see my wife?

1:05:451:05:48

You'll have to wait, I'm afraid.

1:05:481:05:50

Very bad, we've got a luncheon appointment.

1:05:501:05:52

The lepers are queueing.

1:05:521:05:54

My brother-in-law is the ex-mayor of Gath!

1:05:541:05:57

Brian, can I introduce the gentleman

1:05:571:05:59

who's letting us have the mounts on Sunday?

1:05:591:06:02

Don't push!

1:06:021:06:03

Keep the noise down, please!

1:06:041:06:06

Those possessed by devils,

1:06:061:06:07

try and keep them under control, can you?

1:06:071:06:11

< Incurables, you'll just have to wait.

1:06:111:06:14

Women taken in sin,

1:06:141:06:15

line up against that wall, will you?

1:06:151:06:18

Brian?

1:06:191:06:20

Brian, you were fantastic!

1:06:201:06:23

You weren't so bad yourself.

1:06:231:06:25

No - what you said just now.

1:06:251:06:27

Quite extraordinary.

1:06:271:06:28

What? Was it?

1:06:281:06:29

We don't need any leaders.

1:06:291:06:31

Reg has been dominating us for too long.

1:06:311:06:34

Well, yes.

1:06:341:06:35

It needed saying,

1:06:351:06:36

and you said it, Brian.

1:06:361:06:37

You're very attractive.

1:06:371:06:39

It's OUR revolution.

1:06:391:06:40

We can all do it together.

1:06:401:06:42

I think...

1:06:421:06:43

We're all behind you, Brian.

1:06:431:06:44

The revolution is in your hands.

1:06:441:06:47

What?

1:06:461:06:47

No. That's not what I meant at all!

1:06:471:06:50

You're fucking nicked, me old beauty.

1:06:501:06:53

Right.

1:06:531:06:54

Stop it.

1:07:011:07:02

Bwian, you've given us a good wun for our money.

1:07:041:07:08

A what?

1:07:081:07:09

This time, I guawantee you'll not escape.

1:07:091:07:14

Guard,

1:07:141:07:16

do we have any cwucifixions today?

1:07:161:07:19

139, sir.

1:07:191:07:20

Special celebration - Passover, sir.

1:07:201:07:22

Wight. Now we have 140.

1:07:221:07:25

Nice wound number, eh, Biggus?

1:07:241:07:26

Hail Caesar.

1:07:291:07:30

Hail.

1:07:301:07:31

The crowd's getting a bit restless, sir.

1:07:311:07:33

Permission to disperse, please.

1:07:331:07:35

Disperse them?

1:07:351:07:36

But I haven't addwessed them yet.

1:07:361:07:38

Uh, I know, sir, but...

1:07:381:07:40

My addwess is a high point of Passover.

1:07:401:07:43

Biggus Dickus has come from Wome just to hear it.

1:07:431:07:45

Hail caesar.

1:07:451:07:46

Hail thaesar!

1:07:461:07:48

You're not...

1:07:481:07:49

Uh, you're not thinking of giving it a miss, sir?

1:07:511:07:54

Give it a miss?

1:07:541:07:56

They're just in a rather funny mood today, sir.

1:07:561:08:00

Weally, centuwion,

1:08:001:08:01

I'm surpwised a man like you

1:08:011:08:03

wattled by a wabble of wowdy webels.

1:08:031:08:05

A bit thundery, sir.

1:08:051:08:07

Lead him away.

1:08:071:08:08

I'm a Roman. I can prove it.

1:08:081:08:11

And cwucify him well.

1:08:111:08:14

Biggus.

1:08:141:08:15

I really wouldn't, sir.

1:08:171:08:18

Out of the way, centuwion.

1:08:181:08:19

Let me join you.

1:08:191:08:21

I may be of athithtance if there ith a thudden crithith.

1:08:211:08:24

Now, regarding attainment of world supremacy

1:08:261:08:28

within the next five years...

1:08:281:08:30

Francis, you've been working on this?

1:08:301:08:32

Thank you, Reg.

1:08:321:08:33

Siblings, I think five years is optimistic

1:08:331:08:36

unless we can smash the Roman Empire

1:08:361:08:38

within the next 12 months.

1:08:381:08:40

12 months.

1:08:401:08:41

And let's face it -

1:08:411:08:42

as empires go, this is the big one.

1:08:421:08:45

We got to get off our arses and stop talking about it.

1:08:451:08:49

Hear, hear.

1:08:491:08:50

I agree. It's action that counts,

1:08:501:08:52

and we need action now.

1:08:521:08:53

Hear, hear.

1:08:531:08:54

Right. We sit around all day, talking,

1:08:541:08:57

passing resolutions, making clever speeches,

1:08:571:08:59

it's not affecting one Roman soldier!

1:08:581:09:01

So let's stop gabbing on about.

1:09:011:09:04

It's completely pointless,

1:09:041:09:05

and it's getting us nowhere.

1:09:051:09:07

Agree. This is a complete waste of time.

1:09:071:09:09

They've arrested Brian!

1:09:101:09:12

What? What?

1:09:121:09:13

They've dragged him off.

1:09:131:09:14

They're going to crucify him!

1:09:141:09:16

Right. This calls for immediate discussion.

1:09:161:09:19

What?

1:09:191:09:20

Immediate.

1:09:201:09:21

New motion?

1:09:211:09:22

Completely new motion that, uh...

1:09:221:09:24

..that there be immediate action...

1:09:241:09:27

Once the vote's been taken...

1:09:271:09:28

Obviously once the vote's been taken. You can't...

1:09:281:09:31

Reg, they're doing it now! Please!

1:09:311:09:33

Right. In light of fresh information

1:09:331:09:36

from, uh, sibling Judith...

1:09:361:09:37

Not so fast, Reg.

1:09:371:09:39

Reg! For God's sake!

1:09:391:09:40

It's perfectly simple.

1:09:401:09:42

All you've got to do is go out that door now

1:09:421:09:45

and stop the Romans nailing him up!

1:09:451:09:48

It's happening, Reg!

1:09:481:09:49

Something's actually happening, Reg!

1:09:491:09:52

Can't you understand?

1:09:521:09:54

Ohh!

1:09:541:09:56

Yep. Hello.

1:09:591:10:00

A little ego trip from the feminists...

1:10:001:10:03

What?

1:10:031:10:04

Oh, sorry, Loretta.

1:10:041:10:05

Uh, read that back, would you?

1:10:051:10:08

Next.

1:10:201:10:22

Crucifixion?

1:10:221:10:23

Yes.

1:10:231:10:24

Good.

1:10:231:10:25

Out the door, line on the left, one cross each.

1:10:251:10:28

Next.

1:10:281:10:29

Crucifixion?

1:10:291:10:30

Good.

1:10:301:10:32

Out the door, line on the left, one cross each.

1:10:321:10:35

Next.

1:10:351:10:36

Crucifixion?

1:10:361:10:37

Uh, no. Freedom.

1:10:371:10:38

What?

1:10:381:10:39

Freedom for me.

1:10:391:10:40

They said I hadn't done anything, so I could go free.

1:10:401:10:46

Oh, that's jolly good.

1:10:461:10:47

Well, off you go.

1:10:471:10:48

I'm only joking. It's crucifixion really.

1:10:481:10:51

Oh, I see. Very good.

1:10:511:10:53

Well, out the door...

1:10:531:10:54

I know. One cross each, line on the left.

1:10:541:10:58

Crucifixion?

1:10:581:10:59

Yes.

1:10:591:11:00

Good.

1:11:001:11:01

FANFARE

1:11:011:11:05

People of Jewusalem...

1:11:141:11:17

Wome is your fwiend.

1:11:191:11:22

THEY LAUGH

1:11:221:11:24

To pwove our fwiendship,

1:11:261:11:28

it is customawy at this time

1:11:281:11:30

to welease a wongdoer from our pwison.

1:11:301:11:34

THEY LAUGH

1:11:341:11:35

GUARDS SNICKER

1:11:351:11:36

Whom would you have me welease?

1:11:391:11:43

Welease Woger!

1:11:431:11:44

Welease Woger!

1:11:461:11:47

Welease Woger!

1:11:471:11:48

THEY LAUGH

1:11:481:11:50

Vewy well.

1:11:521:11:53

I shall welease Woger!

1:11:531:11:57

Sir, we don't have a Roger, sir.

1:11:591:12:02

What?

1:12:021:12:03

We don't have anyone of that name, sir.

1:12:031:12:06

We have no Woger.

1:12:061:12:09

THEY GROAN

1:12:081:12:11

What about Woderick, then?

1:12:111:12:13

Welease Woderick!

1:12:131:12:15

Welease Woderick!

1:12:151:12:17

Centuwion,

1:12:171:12:19

why do they titter so?

1:12:191:12:22

Just some, uh... Jewish joke, sir.

1:12:221:12:26

Are they...

1:12:271:12:29

wagging me?

1:12:291:12:30

Oh, no, sir.

1:12:321:12:34

Vewy well.

1:12:351:12:37

I shall welease Woderick.

1:12:361:12:39

We don't have a Roderick either.

1:12:391:12:41

No Woger, no Woderick...

1:12:411:12:43

Sorry, sir.

1:12:431:12:45

Who is this Wo...

1:12:451:12:47

Who is this Woderick to whom you wefer?

1:12:471:12:49

He's a wobber!

1:12:491:12:51

And a wapist!

1:12:511:12:53

And a pickpocket!

1:12:551:12:57

Ah, shut up.

1:12:571:12:59

He sounds a notorious criminal.

1:13:001:13:02

We haven't got him, sir.

1:13:021:13:04

Is anyone in our pwisons at all?

1:13:041:13:07

Yes, we got a Samson, sir.

1:13:071:13:09

Samson the Sadducee strangler, sir.

1:13:091:13:11

Silas the Assyrian assassin.

1:13:111:13:13

Several seditious scribes from Caesarea.

1:13:131:13:17

Uh, 67...

1:13:171:13:18

Let me thpeak to them, Pontiuth.

1:13:181:13:21

Good idea, Biggus.

1:13:211:13:22

Thitithens,

1:13:221:13:24

we have thamthon the Thaduccee thtrangler,

1:13:241:13:27

thilas the Atthyrian athathin...

1:13:271:13:29

CROWD LAUGHS

1:13:291:13:30

Theveral theditious thcribes from Thaetharea...

1:13:301:13:33

Next.

1:13:331:13:34

Crucifixion?

1:13:351:13:36

Yes.

1:13:361:13:37

Good.

1:13:371:13:39

Out the door, line on the left, one cross each.

1:13:391:13:42

Excuse me. There's been a mistake.

1:13:421:13:43

Just a moment.

1:13:431:13:45

Jailer, how many have come through?

1:13:451:13:47

What?

1:13:471:13:49

Uh, how many have come through?

1:13:491:13:52

What?

1:13:521:13:53

Uh, y-y-you'll have to sp-

1:13:531:13:56

sp-sp-sp-speak up a bit. He's-he's-

1:13:561:14:01

he's d- he's d-

1:14:011:14:03

he's d-deaf as a p-p-post, sir.

1:14:031:14:06

Uh, how many have come through?

1:14:061:14:10

Oh, dear.

1:14:131:14:14

I make it ninety-f-, ninety-f-

1:14:141:14:18

ninety-f-

1:14:181:14:21

Ninety-six, sir.

1:14:211:14:22

Such a waste of human life, isn't it?

1:14:231:14:25

N-n-n-no, sir.

1:14:251:14:27

N-not with these b-

1:14:271:14:30

b-bastards, sir.

1:14:301:14:34

C-cr-c-

1:14:341:14:37

c-crucifixion's too good for them, sir.

1:14:371:14:39

I don't know about that.

1:14:391:14:41

It's very nasty.

1:14:411:14:42

It's not n-n-n-n-

1:14:421:14:46

n-n-not as n-nasty as something I just thought up, sir.

1:14:461:14:50

Now, crucifixion?

1:14:501:14:51

Is there someone I can speak to?

1:14:511:14:54

I know where to get it if you want it.

1:14:541:14:57

What?

1:14:571:14:58

Don't-don't worry about him.

1:14:581:15:00

He's d- he's d-

1:15:001:15:02

he's d-d-d- he's deaf and m-m-mad, sir.

1:15:011:15:05

Well, how did he get the job?

1:15:051:15:08

Bloody Pilate's pet, sir.

1:15:081:15:10

Hurry up. >

1:15:091:15:11

There's people waiting to be crucified out here.

1:15:111:15:14

Could I see a lawyer?

1:15:141:15:16

Do you have a lawyer?

1:15:161:15:18

No, but I'm Roman.

1:15:181:15:19

Retrial. We got plenty of time.

1:15:191:15:21

Shut up, you!

1:15:211:15:22

Bloody Romans. No sense of humour.

1:15:221:15:26

Sorry. Bit of a hurry.

1:15:261:15:28

Line on the left,

1:15:281:15:29

one cross each.

1:15:291:15:30

Now...

1:15:301:15:31

THEY LAUGH RIOTOUSLY

1:15:311:15:33

Was it thomething I thaid?

1:15:401:15:43

Silence!

1:15:431:15:45

This man commands a cwack legion.

1:15:481:15:51

He wanks as high as any in Wome.

1:15:561:15:58

Ahem.

1:16:021:16:03

Crucifixion party.

1:16:031:16:05

Morning.

1:16:061:16:08

Now, we will be on show as we go through town.

1:16:071:16:11

Don't let the side down.

1:16:111:16:13

Give it a good straight line

1:16:131:16:15

and a good steady pace.

1:16:151:16:17

Crosses over your left shoulders.

1:16:171:16:19

If you keep your backs hard against the cross,

1:16:191:16:22

you'll be there in no time.

1:16:221:16:25

All right, centurion.

1:16:251:16:26

Crucifixion party...

1:16:261:16:28

Wait for it.

1:16:281:16:30

Crucifixion party,

1:16:301:16:33

by the left,

1:16:331:16:35

forward!

1:16:341:16:36

You lucky bastards!

1:16:401:16:43

You lucky, jammy bastards!

1:16:441:16:47

Oh, oh.

1:16:531:16:54

Oh, oh, oh.

1:16:541:16:56

Let me shoulder your burden, brother.

1:16:561:16:58

Thank you.

1:16:581:16:59

Hey.

1:17:011:17:02

Hey, what do you think you're doing?

1:17:021:17:05

It's not my cross.

1:17:051:17:06

Shut up and get on with it!

1:17:061:17:09

He had you there, mate, didn't he?

1:17:101:17:12

That will teach you a lesson.

1:17:121:17:15

All wight.

1:17:141:17:17

I will give you one more chance.

1:17:171:17:20

This time I want to hear no Womans,

1:17:201:17:23

no Weginalds,

1:17:231:17:26

no Wudolf the Wed-Nosed Weindeers...

1:17:261:17:29

No Thpenther Tracys.

1:17:291:17:31

Or we shall release no one.

1:17:311:17:33

Release Brian!

1:17:331:17:34

That's a good one.

1:17:341:17:36

Yeah.

1:17:361:17:37

Release Brian!

1:17:361:17:38

Release Brian!

1:17:381:17:41

Vewy well.

1:17:411:17:42

That's it.

1:17:421:17:44

We HAVE got a Brian, sir.

1:17:441:17:46

What?

1:17:451:17:46

You just sent him for crucifixion.

1:17:461:17:48

Wait. Wait.

1:17:481:17:49

We do have a Bwian.

1:17:491:17:51

Go and retwieve him, stwaightaway.

1:17:511:17:53

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

1:17:531:17:54

Vewy well.

1:17:571:17:58

I shall

1:17:591:18:00

welease

1:18:001:18:01

Bwian!

1:18:011:18:02

Get a move on there.

1:18:051:18:07

Or what?

1:18:071:18:08

Or you'll be in trouble.

1:18:081:18:10

You mean I might have to give up

1:18:101:18:13

being crucified in the afternoons?

1:18:131:18:15

Shut up!

1:18:151:18:16

That would be a blow.

1:18:161:18:17

I wouldn't have nothing to do.

1:18:171:18:19

Thank you.

1:18:191:18:20

Are they gone?

1:18:231:18:24

We-we got lumps of it around the back.

1:18:261:18:30

What?

1:18:301:18:31

Oh, don't worry about him, sir.

1:18:311:18:33

He's ma...

1:18:331:18:34

He's m-m-m... He's m-ma...

1:18:341:18:36

He-he's m-m-m...

1:18:351:18:37

He's m-m-m... He's m-m-m...

1:18:371:18:39

He's mad, sir.

1:18:381:18:40

Are they gone?

1:18:401:18:41

Oh, daa...nnnn...

1:18:431:18:44

I...naa...

1:18:441:18:46

Nnuh...

1:18:461:18:47

Nnuh...

1:18:471:18:48

Nnuh...

1:18:481:18:49

Nnuh...nnuh...

1:18:491:18:51

Oh, come on.

1:18:511:18:52

Yes, sir.

1:18:521:18:54

Anyway, get on with the story.

1:18:541:18:56

I knew she never really liked him, so...

1:18:561:18:58

Right.

1:18:581:18:59

That's the motion to get on with it

1:18:591:19:02

passed with one abstention.

1:19:011:19:03

I propose we go without further ado.

1:19:031:19:05

Let's go.

1:19:051:19:06

Bloody Romans.

1:19:211:19:22

Watch it.

1:19:221:19:24

Still a few crosses left.

1:19:241:19:26

Up you go, big nose.

1:19:281:19:30

I'll get you for this, you bastard.

1:19:301:19:32

Oh, yeah.

1:19:321:19:33

Don't worry. I never forget a face.

1:19:331:19:35

No?

1:19:351:19:36

I warn you,

1:19:361:19:38

I'll punch you so hard you Roman git.

1:19:381:19:41

Shut up, you Jewish turd.

1:19:411:19:43

Who are you calling Jewish?

1:19:431:19:45

I'm not Jewish. I'm a Samaritan.

1:19:451:19:47

A Samaritan?

1:19:471:19:48

This is supposed to be a Jewish section.

1:19:471:19:50

It doesn't matter.

1:19:501:19:51

You're all going to die soon.

1:19:511:19:54

It certainly matters to us, Roman.

1:19:541:19:56

Doesn't it, darling?

1:19:561:19:57

Oh, rather.

1:19:571:19:58

Under the terms of the Roman occupancy,

1:19:581:20:01

we're entitled to crucifixion in a purely Jewish area.

1:20:011:20:03

Pharisees separate from Sadducees.

1:20:031:20:06

And Swedish separate from Welsh.

1:20:061:20:08

Yeah.

1:20:081:20:09

All right. All right.

1:20:091:20:11

We'll soon settle this.

1:20:111:20:13

Hands up,

1:20:131:20:14

all those who don't want to be crucified here.

1:20:141:20:17

THEY STRAIN AGAINST ROPES

1:20:171:20:19

Next!

1:20:191:20:20

Look, it's not my cross.

1:20:201:20:22

What?

1:20:221:20:23

It's not my cross.

1:20:231:20:25

I was holding it for someone.

1:20:251:20:27

Just lie down. I haven't got all day.

1:20:271:20:29

I hate to make a fuss...

1:20:291:20:31

There's 140 of you lot to get up.

1:20:311:20:33

Is he Jewish?

1:20:331:20:35

Will you be quiet?

1:20:351:20:36

We don't want any more Samaritans here.

1:20:361:20:38

Belt up!

1:20:381:20:39

Will you let me down if he comes back?

1:20:391:20:42

Yeah. Yeah. Next!

1:20:421:20:44

You don't have to do this.

1:20:441:20:46

You don't have to take orders.

1:20:461:20:48

I like orders.

1:20:481:20:49

See?

1:21:091:21:10

Not so bad once you're up.

1:21:101:21:13

You're being rescued then, are you?

1:21:131:21:15

It's a bit late for that, isn't it?

1:21:151:21:17

We got a couple of days up here.

1:21:171:21:20

Lots of people get rescued.

1:21:201:21:21

Oh?

1:21:211:21:22

My brother usually rescues me.

1:21:221:21:25

If he can keep off the tail 20 minutes.

1:21:251:21:28

Randy little bugger,

1:21:281:21:29

up and down like the Assyrian Empire.

1:21:291:21:32

Hello.

1:21:361:21:37

Your family arrived then?

1:21:371:21:38

Reg.

1:21:381:21:40

Hello, sibling Brian.

1:21:401:21:41

Thank God you've come, Reg.

1:21:411:21:43

I think I should point out first, Brian,

1:21:431:21:45

that we are not the rescue committee.

1:21:451:21:47

I've been asked to read

1:21:471:21:49

the following prepared statement

1:21:491:21:51

on behalf of the movement.

1:21:511:21:52

"We, the People's Front Of Judea -

1:21:521:21:54

"brackets, officials, end brackets -

1:21:541:21:56

"do hereby convey

1:21:561:21:57

"our sincere fraternal and sisterly greetings

1:21:571:21:59

"to you, Brian,

1:21:591:22:00

on this, the occasion of your martyrdom."

1:22:001:22:03

What?

1:22:031:22:04

"Your death will stand as a landmark

1:22:041:22:06

"in the continuing struggle to liberate the parentland

1:22:061:22:09

"from the Roman imperialist aggressors,

1:22:091:22:11

"excluding those concerned with drainage,

1:22:111:22:13

"medicine, roads, housing, education,

1:22:131:22:14

"viniculture,

1:22:141:22:15

"and any other Romans

1:22:151:22:17

"contributing to the welfare of Jews of both sexes

1:22:171:22:20

and hermaphrodites."

1:22:201:22:21

Signed on behalf of the PFJ, etcetera.

1:22:211:22:24

I'd like to add, on a personal note,

1:22:241:22:26

my admiration for what you are doing for us

1:22:261:22:29

at what must be for you a difficult time.

1:22:291:22:32

What are you going to d...

1:22:321:22:34

Goodbye, Brian.

1:22:341:22:35

And thanks.

1:22:351:22:36

Well done, Brian. Give it up, lad.

1:22:381:22:41

Terrific work, Brian.

1:22:411:22:42

Right.

1:22:481:22:49

And...

1:22:491:22:50

# For he's a jolly good fellow

1:22:501:22:52

# For he's a jolly good fellow

1:22:521:22:54

# For he's a jolly good fe-e-ll-o-ow

1:22:541:22:57

# And so say all of us

1:22:571:22:59

# And so say all of...

1:22:591:23:00

You bastards.

1:23:041:23:06

You bastards!

1:23:061:23:08

Where is Brian of Nazareth?

1:23:081:23:10

I have an order for his release. You stupid bastards!

1:23:101:23:14

Uh, I'm Brian of Nazareth.

1:23:141:23:16

What?

1:23:161:23:17

Yeah, I'm Brian of Nazareth.

1:23:171:23:18

Take him down.

1:23:181:23:20

I'M Brian of Nazareth!

1:23:201:23:21

I'm Brian.

1:23:211:23:22

I'm Brian!

1:23:221:23:24

No. No, I'm Brian.

1:23:241:23:26

I'm Brian.

1:23:261:23:27

I'm Brian. So is my wife.

1:23:271:23:29

I'm Brian.

1:23:291:23:30

I'm Brian. I'm Brian.

1:23:301:23:31

Take him away and release him.

1:23:311:23:33

No, I'm only joking. I'm not really Brian.

1:23:331:23:36

No, I'm not Brian.

1:23:361:23:38

I'm only pulling your leg.

1:23:381:23:40

It's a joke.

1:23:401:23:41

I'm not him.

1:23:411:23:43

I'm just having you on.

1:23:431:23:44

Put me back!

1:23:441:23:46

You bloody Romans can't take a joke!

1:23:461:23:48

The Judean People's Front!

1:23:571:23:59

The Judean People's Front!

1:24:001:24:02

Onward!

1:24:021:24:05

Run!

1:24:091:24:10

The Judean People's Front!

1:24:101:24:12

The Judean People's Front!

1:24:121:24:14

We are the Judean People's Front

1:24:211:24:24

crack suicide squad.

1:24:241:24:26

Suicide squad,

1:24:261:24:29

attack!

1:24:291:24:30

That showed them, huh?

1:24:381:24:40

You silly sods.

1:24:421:24:45

Brian!

1:24:451:24:46

Brian!

1:24:461:24:47

Brian!

1:24:471:24:49

Brian!

1:24:491:24:50

Judith.

1:24:501:24:51

Terrific. Great.

1:24:521:24:54

Reg has explained it to me,

1:24:541:24:56

and I think it's great what you're doing.

1:24:561:24:58

Thank you, Brian.

1:24:581:25:00

I'll...

1:25:001:25:01

I'll never forget you.

1:25:011:25:02

So there you are.

1:25:101:25:12

I might have known

1:25:121:25:13

it would end up like this.

1:25:131:25:15

Just think of all the love and affection

1:25:151:25:18

I've wasted on you.

1:25:181:25:19

If that's how you treat your poor mother

1:25:191:25:22

in the Autumn years of her life,

1:25:221:25:24

all I can say is go ahead.

1:25:241:25:26

Be crucified.

1:25:261:25:28

See if I care. I might have known.

1:25:281:25:30

Mum.

1:25:301:25:31

Mum!

1:25:321:25:33

I don't know what the world's coming to.

1:25:331:25:36

Cheer up, Brian.

1:25:421:25:43

You know what they say.

1:25:431:25:46

Some things in life are bad.

1:25:451:25:48

They can really make you mad.

1:25:481:25:51

Other things just make you swear and curse.

1:25:511:25:55

# When you're chewing on life's gristle

1:25:551:25:58

# Don't grumble

1:25:581:25:59

# Give a whistle

1:25:591:26:01

# And this'll

1:26:011:26:02

# Help things turn out for the best

1:26:021:26:05

# And

1:26:051:26:07

# Always look on

1:26:071:26:09

# The bright side of life

1:26:091:26:12

CHEERFUL WHISTLE

1:26:121:26:15

# Always look on

1:26:151:26:16

# The light side of life

1:26:161:26:19

# If life seems jolly rotten

1:26:221:26:24

# There's something you've forgotten

1:26:241:26:26

# And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing

1:26:261:26:30

# When you're feelin' in the dumps

1:26:301:26:32

# Don't be silly chumps

1:26:321:26:34

# Just purse your lips and whistle

1:26:341:26:35

# That's the thing

1:26:351:26:37

# And always look on

1:26:371:26:39

# The bright side of life #

1:26:391:26:42

ALL WHISTLE Come on.

1:26:421:26:44

# Always look on

1:26:451:26:47

# The right side of life

1:26:471:26:50

# For life is quite absurd

1:26:531:26:55

# And death's the final word

1:26:551:26:57

# You must always face the curtain

1:26:561:26:59

# With a bow

1:26:591:27:00

# Forget about your sin

1:27:001:27:02

# Give the audience a grin

1:27:021:27:04

# Enjoy it

1:27:041:27:05

# It's your last chance anyhow

1:27:051:27:08

# So always look on

1:27:081:27:10

# The bright side of death

1:27:101:27:13

# Just before you draw your terminal breath

1:27:161:27:21

# Life's a piece of shit

1:27:241:27:26

# When you look at it

1:27:261:27:28

# Life's a laugh, and death's a joke

1:27:271:27:30

# It's true

1:27:301:27:31

# You'll see it's all a show

1:27:311:27:33

# Keep 'em laughing as you go

1:27:331:27:35

# Just remember

1:27:351:27:36

# That the last laugh is on you

1:27:361:27:39

# And

1:27:381:27:39

# Always look on

1:27:391:27:41

# The bright side of life

1:27:411:27:44

# Always look on

1:27:471:27:49

# The right side of life #

1:27:491:27:52

Come on, Brian. Give up.

1:27:521:27:55

# Always look on

1:27:551:27:57

# The bright side of life

1:27:561:27:59

# Always look on

1:28:021:28:04

# The bright side of life #

1:28:041:28:06

Worse things happen at sea, you know.

1:28:061:28:09

# Always look on

1:28:101:28:12

# The bright side of life #

1:28:121:28:14

What have you got to lose?

1:28:141:28:16

You come from nothing. You're going back to nothing.

1:28:161:28:19

What have you lost? Nothing!

1:28:191:28:20

# ...the bright side of life #

1:28:201:28:22

Nothing will come from nothing.

1:28:221:28:24

Cheer up, you old bugger.

1:28:241:28:26

Come on, give us a grin.

1:28:261:28:28

There you are. See?

1:28:281:28:30

It's the end of the film.

1:28:301:28:31

Incidentally, this record's available in the foyer.

1:28:311:28:34

# ..the bright side of life #

1:28:341:28:37

Who do you think pays for all this rubbish?

1:28:371:28:41

# Always look on

1:28:401:28:42

# The bright side of life #

1:28:421:28:45

Bernie, I said,

1:28:451:28:46

they'll never make their money back.

1:28:461:28:48

# Always look on

1:28:481:28:50

# The bright side of life #

1:28:501:28:53

Surreal and controversial comedy about a man named Brian who is mistakenly hailed as the Messiah by a trio of not-so-wise men. Doomed to a life of public exposure, he is doggedly followed by a troop of admiring worshippers. At the time of the film's release, the glaring parallels with the life of Christ caused controversy on both sides of the Atlantic.


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