Monty Python's Life of Brian

Line	From	To
Ahem.	0:01:29	0:01:30
Aah!	0:01:30	0:01:31
Who are you?	0:01:32	0:01:34
We are three wise men.	0:01:34	0:01:35
What?	0:01:35	0:01:36
We are three wise men.	0:01:36	0:01:38
Creeping around a cow shed at 2:00 in the morning?	0:01:38	0:01:42
Doesn't sound very wise.	0:01:41	0:01:43
We are astrologers.	0:01:43	0:01:45
We have come from the East.	0:01:45	0:01:47
Is this some kind of joke?	0:01:47	0:01:50
We wish to praise the infant.	0:01:50	0:01:52
To pay homage to him.	0:01:52	0:01:54
Homage? You're all drunk. It's disgusting.	0:01:53	0:01:56
Out! Out!	0:01:56	0:01:58
Pestering me with tales about fortune-tellers!	0:01:58	0:02:01
Come on, out!	0:02:01	0:02:02
We must see him.	0:02:02	0:02:03
Go praise someone else's brat!	0:02:03	0:02:05
We were led by a star.	0:02:05	0:02:07
Led by a bottle. Go out!	0:02:07	0:02:09
We have brought presents.	0:02:09	0:02:10
Out!	0:02:10	0:02:11
Gold, frankincense, myrrh.	0:02:11	0:02:12
Well, why didn't you say?	0:02:12	0:02:14
He's over there.	0:02:14	0:02:16
Sorry the place is a mess.	0:02:16	0:02:18
Well, what is myrrh, anyway?	0:02:19	0:02:21
It is a valuable balm.	0:02:21	0:02:23
A bomb? You're giving him a bomb?	0:02:23	0:02:25
It might bite him.	0:02:25	0:02:27
What?	0:02:27	0:02:28
That's a dangerous animal.	0:02:28	0:02:29
No, it isn't.	0:02:29	0:02:31
Yes, it is. It's great...	0:02:31	0:02:33
No, no. It is an ointment.	0:02:33	0:02:35
Well, there is an animal called a bomb.	0:02:35	0:02:37
Or did I dream it?	0:02:37	0:02:39
You're astrologers, are you?	0:02:39	0:02:41
Well, what is he, then?	0:02:40	0:02:42
What star sign is he?	0:02:42	0:02:44
Uh...Capricorn.	0:02:44	0:02:47
Mmm. Capricorn, eh? What are they like?	0:02:47	0:02:50
He's the Son of God. Our Messiah.	0:02:50	0:02:52
King of the Jews.	0:02:52	0:02:53
That's Capricorn, is it?	0:02:53	0:02:55
No, no. That's just him.	0:02:55	0:02:57
Ah. Otherwise, there'd be a lot of them.	0:02:57	0:03:00
What name are you calling him?	0:03:00	0:03:02
Uh, Brian.	0:03:02	0:03:03
We worship you, O Brian,	0:03:03	0:03:06
who are Lord over us all.	0:03:06	0:03:08
Praise unto you, Brian,	0:03:08	0:03:10
and to the Lord Our Father.	0:03:10	0:03:12
Amen.	0:03:12	0:03:13
You do a lot of this?	0:03:13	0:03:15
What?	0:03:15	0:03:16
This praising.	0:03:15	0:03:16
No, no.	0:03:16	0:03:17
Well, if you're by again, pop in.	0:03:17	0:03:20
Thanks for the gold and frankincense,	0:03:20	0:03:23
but don't worry about the myrrh next time.	0:03:23	0:03:26
Thank you. Goodbye.	0:03:26	0:03:28
Well, weren't they nice?	0:03:30	0:03:32
Out of their bloody minds, but still...	0:03:32	0:03:35
look at that!	0:03:35	0:03:37
Here! Here!	0:03:37	0:03:38
That-that's mine.	0:03:38	0:03:39
Hey, you gave me that!	0:03:39	0:03:42
BABY CRIES	0:03:53	0:03:54
Shut up!	0:03:54	0:03:56
# Brian	0:04:04	0:04:05
# The babe they called Brian	0:04:06	0:04:09
# He grew	0:04:11	0:04:12
# Grew, grew, and grew	0:04:13	0:04:17
# Grew up to be	0:04:17	0:04:20
# Grew up to be	0:04:20	0:04:23
# A boy called Brian	0:04:23	0:04:26
# A boy called Brian	0:04:26	0:04:29
# He had arms	0:04:30	0:04:32
# And legs	0:04:32	0:04:34
# And hands	0:04:34	0:04:36
# And feet	0:04:36	0:04:37
# This boy	0:04:37	0:04:39
# Whose name was Brian	0:04:40	0:04:42
Aah!	0:04:42	0:04:44
# And he grew	0:04:44	0:04:47
# Grew, grew, and grew	0:04:47	0:04:50
# Grew up to be	0:04:50	0:04:53
# Yes, he grew up to be	0:04:53	0:04:57
# A teenager called Brian	0:04:57	0:05:00
# A teenager called Brian	0:05:00	0:05:04
# And his face became spotty	0:05:04	0:05:07
# Yes, his face became spotty	0:05:07	0:05:10
# And his voice crept down low	0:05:10	0:05:14
# And things started to grow	0:05:14	0:05:17
# On young Brian and so	0:05:17	0:05:21
# He was suddenly known	0:05:21	0:05:24
# No girl named Brian	0:05:24	0:05:28
# Not a girl named Brian	0:05:28	0:05:31
# And he started to shave	0:05:38	0:05:41
# And had one off the wrist	0:05:41	0:05:44
# And watch to see birds	0:05:45	0:05:48
# And go out and get pissed	0:05:48	0:05:51
# A man called Brian	0:05:51	0:05:54
# This man called Brian	0:05:54	0:05:57
# The man they called Bria-a-an	0:05:57	0:06:05
# This man called	0:06:05	0:06:09
# Bria-aaa-aa-an #	0:06:09	0:06:18
Aah!	0:06:18	0:06:19
How blessed are those who know their need of God?	0:06:57	0:07:02
How blessed are the sorrowful?	0:07:01	0:07:04
They shall find consolation.	0:07:04	0:07:06
How blessed are those of gentle spirit?	0:07:09	0:07:12
They shall have the earth for their possession.	0:07:13	0:07:17
How blessed are those who hunger	0:07:16	0:07:19
and thirst	0:07:19	0:07:21
to see right prevail?	0:07:21	0:07:23
They shall be satisfied.	0:07:23	0:07:25
How blessed are those whose hearts are pure?	0:07:27	0:07:31
They shall see God.	0:07:31	0:07:33
Speak up!	0:07:33	0:07:35
Quiet, Mum.	0:07:35	0:07:36
Well, I can't hear a thing.	0:07:36	0:07:39
Let's go to a stoning.	0:07:39	0:07:41
Sshh!	0:07:41	0:07:42
You can go to a stoning any time.	0:07:42	0:07:44
Come on, Brian.	0:07:44	0:07:46
Will you be quiet?	0:07:46	0:07:47
Don't pick your nose!	0:07:48	0:07:50
Wasn't. I was scratching.	0:07:50	0:07:52
You was picking it while talking to her.	0:07:52	0:07:55
I wasn't.	0:07:55	0:07:56
Give it a rest.	0:07:56	0:07:57
Do you mind? I can't hear.	0:07:57	0:08:00
Don't you "do you mind" me!	0:08:00	0:08:02
I was talking to my husband!	0:08:02	0:08:04
Talk elsewhere. I can't hear a bloody thing.	0:08:04	0:08:06
Don't swear at my wife!	0:08:06	0:08:08
I only said to shut up	0:08:08	0:08:10
so we could hear, big nose.	0:08:10	0:08:12
Don't call my husband big nose!	0:08:12	0:08:14
Well, he's got a big nose.	0:08:14	0:08:16
Quiet. What was that?	0:08:16	0:08:18
I was too busy with big nose.	0:08:18	0:08:20
I think it was, "blessed are the cheese-makers."	0:08:20	0:08:23
What's so special about cheese-makers?	0:08:23	0:08:26
It's not to be taken literally.	0:08:26	0:08:28
It refers to any manufacturers of dairy products.	0:08:27	0:08:31
See? We missed that, big nose.	0:08:31	0:08:33
Say that again, I'll smash your bloody face!	0:08:33	0:08:36
Keep listening.	0:08:36	0:08:37
Might mention "blessed are the big noses."	0:08:37	0:08:40
Lay off!	0:08:40	0:08:41
Not so bad yourself, conk face.	0:08:41	0:08:43
You two from nose city?	0:08:43	0:08:45
One more time, mate.	0:08:45	0:08:46
I'll take you to the fucking cleaners!	0:08:46	0:08:49
Language!	0:08:49	0:08:50
And don't pick your nose!	0:08:50	0:08:52
I wasn't. I was going to thump him!	0:08:52	0:08:55
Hear that? Blessed are the Greek.	0:08:55	0:08:57
The Greek?	0:08:57	0:08:58
Apparently, he's going to inherit the earth.	0:08:58	0:09:00
Anyone catch his name?	0:09:00	0:09:02
You won't thump anybody.	0:09:02	0:09:03
I will if he calls me big nose again.	0:09:03	0:09:06
Shut up, big nose.	0:09:06	0:09:07
Oh! Right. I warned you.	0:09:07	0:09:08
I really will slug you so hard!	0:09:08	0:09:11
Oh, it's the meek!	0:09:11	0:09:12
Blessed are the meek.	0:09:12	0:09:14
I'm glad they're getting something,	0:09:14	0:09:15
cos they have a hell of a time.	0:09:15	0:09:18
I'm only telling the truth.	0:09:18	0:09:19
You have got a very big nose.	0:09:19	0:09:22
Yours will be 3 foot wide across your face!	0:09:22	0:09:26
Shh!	0:09:26	0:09:27
Who hit yours then, Goliath's big brother?	0:09:27	0:09:30
Right. That's your last warning.	0:09:30	0:09:32
Do pipe down.	0:09:31	0:09:33
Oh!	0:09:33	0:09:34
Silly bitch, getting away on me, are you?	0:09:35	0:09:38
Oh, let's go to the stoning.	0:09:41	0:09:43
All right.	0:09:43	0:09:45
Well, "blessed" is just about everyone	0:09:46	0:09:49
with a vested interest in the status quo.	0:09:49	0:09:52
What Jesus blatantly fails to appreciate	0:09:52	0:09:54
is it's the meek who are the problem.	0:09:54	0:09:57
Yes. Absolutely, Reg.	0:09:57	0:09:59
Yes. I see.	0:09:59	0:10:00
Come on, Brian.	0:10:01	0:10:03
They'll have stoned 'em before we get there.	0:10:02	0:10:05
All right.	0:10:05	0:10:06
Oh, I hate wearing these beards.	0:10:15	0:10:18
Why can't women go to stonings, Mum?	0:10:18	0:10:20
It's written, that's why!	0:10:20	0:10:21
Psst! Beard, madam?	0:10:21	0:10:24
I haven't got time for stonings.	0:10:24	0:10:26
He's not well again.	0:10:26	0:10:28
HEEHAW	0:10:28	0:10:29
Stone, sir?	0:10:29	0:10:30
No. They've got a lot lying on the ground.	0:10:30	0:10:34
Not like these, sir.	0:10:34	0:10:35
Feel the quality. That's craftsmanship, sir.	0:10:35	0:10:38
All right. Two with points	0:10:38	0:10:40
and a big flat one.	0:10:40	0:10:42
Can I have one, Mum?	0:10:42	0:10:44
Shh!	0:10:44	0:10:45
Sorry. Dad.	0:10:45	0:10:46
All right. Two points, two flats,	0:10:46	0:10:48
and a packet of gravel.	0:10:48	0:10:50
Should be good this afternoon.	0:10:50	0:10:52
Local boy.	0:10:52	0:10:53
Oh, good.	0:10:53	0:10:54
Enjoy yourselves.	0:10:54	0:10:55
Matthias, Son of Deuteronomy of Gath?	0:11:13	0:11:15
Do I say yes?	0:11:15	0:11:17
Yes.	0:11:17	0:11:18
You have been found guilty	0:11:18	0:11:20
by the elders of the town	0:11:20	0:11:21
of uttering the name of Our Lord.	0:11:21	0:11:24
And so as a BLASPHEMER...	0:11:24	0:11:27
..you are to be stoned to death.	0:11:28	0:11:31
I'd had a lovely supper.	0:11:32	0:11:34
All I said to my wife was,	0:11:34	0:11:36
"That piece of halibut	0:11:36	0:11:37
was good enough for Jehovah."	0:11:37	0:11:39
BLASPHEMY!	0:11:39	0:11:41
He said it again!	0:11:41	0:11:43
Did you hear him?	0:11:43	0:11:44
Yes, we did!	0:11:44	0:11:46
Really!	0:11:46	0:11:47
Are any women here today?	0:11:51	0:11:53
Very well.	0:11:59	0:12:00
By virtue of the authority	0:12:00	0:12:02
vested in me...	0:12:02	0:12:04
Ow! Lay off! We haven't started yet!	0:12:04	0:12:07
Come on, who threw that?	0:12:06	0:12:08
Who threw that stone?	0:12:10	0:12:11
She did! She did!	0:12:11	0:12:13
She did! She did!	0:12:13	0:12:14
DEEP VOICES: He did. He did.	0:12:14	0:12:17
Sorry. I thought we'd started.	0:12:17	0:12:19
Go to the back!	0:12:19	0:12:21
Oh, dear.	0:12:21	0:12:22
Always one, isn't there?	0:12:22	0:12:24
Now, where were we?	0:12:24	0:12:26
I don't think it ought to be blasphemy	0:12:26	0:12:28
just saying Jehovah.	0:12:28	0:12:29
He did it again!	0:12:29	0:12:31
You're only making it worse for yourself!	0:12:31	0:12:34
Making it worse? How could it be worse?	0:12:34	0:12:36
Jehovah, Jehovah, Jehovah, Jehovah!	0:12:36	0:12:38
I'm warning you, if you say Jehovah once more...	0:12:38	0:12:42
Right. Who threw that?	0:12:42	0:12:44
Who threw that?	0:12:46	0:12:47
She did!	0:12:47	0:12:48
She did! She did!	0:12:48	0:12:50
Him, him, him, him!	0:12:50	0:12:52
Was it you?	0:12:52	0:12:54
Yes. Well, you did say Jehovah.	0:12:54	0:12:56
Look. Will you stop that?	0:13:01	0:13:03
Stop it!	0:13:03	0:13:04
Now, look, no one is to stone anyone	0:13:04	0:13:08
until I blow this whistle.	0:13:08	0:13:10
Do you understand?	0:13:10	0:13:12
Even, and I want to make this absolutely clear,	0:13:12	0:13:15
even if they do say Jehovah.	0:13:15	0:13:17
Good shot!	0:13:23	0:13:25
APPLAUSE	0:13:25	0:13:27
Have I got a big nose, Mum?	0:13:35	0:13:38
Oh, stop thinking about sex.	0:13:38	0:13:39
I wasn't.	0:13:39	0:13:40
You're always on about it,	0:13:40	0:13:42
morning, noon, and night.	0:13:41	0:13:43
Will the girls like this?	0:13:43	0:13:44
Will the girls like that?	0:13:44	0:13:46
Is it too big? Is it too small?	0:13:46	0:13:49
Alms for a leper.	0:13:51	0:13:52
Alms for a leper.	0:13:52	0:13:54
Alms for an ex-leper.	0:13:54	0:13:56
Bloody donkey owners!	0:13:56	0:13:57
All the same, aren't they?	0:13:57	0:13:59
Never have any change.	0:13:59	0:14:00
Oh, here's a touch.	0:14:00	0:14:02
Spare a talent for an old ex-leper?	0:14:02	0:14:04
Buzz off!	0:14:04	0:14:05
Spare a talent for an ex-leper?	0:14:05	0:14:07
That's more than he earns in a month.	0:14:07	0:14:10
Half talent, then.	0:14:10	0:14:11
Go away!	0:14:11	0:14:12
Big nose, let's haggle.	0:14:12	0:14:14
What?	0:14:14	0:14:15
You open at 1 shekel,	0:14:15	0:14:16
I start at 2,000,	0:14:16	0:14:17
we close about 1,800.	0:14:17	0:14:19
No.	0:14:19	0:14:20
1,750?	0:14:19	0:14:20
1,740?	0:14:20	0:14:21
Will you leave him alone?	0:14:21	0:14:23
2 shekels. Isn't this fun?	0:14:23	0:14:25
He's not giving you any money, so piss off!	0:14:25	0:14:28
All right, my final offer -	0:14:31	0:14:32
a half shekel for an old ex-leper.	0:14:32	0:14:35
Did you say EX-leper?	0:14:35	0:14:36
16 years behind a veil and proud of it.	0:14:36	0:14:39
What happened?	0:14:39	0:14:40
Cured, sir.	0:14:40	0:14:41
Cured?	0:14:41	0:14:42
Yes, a bloody miracle, sir.	0:14:42	0:14:44
Who cured you?	0:14:44	0:14:45
Jesus did.	0:14:45	0:14:46
I was hopping along, minding my own business.	0:14:46	0:14:49
Up he comes, cures me!	0:14:49	0:14:51
One minute I'm a leper with a trade,	0:14:51	0:14:53
next minute my livelihood's gone.	0:14:53	0:14:55
Not so much as a by-your-leave.	0:14:55	0:14:57
Bloody do-gooder!	0:14:57	0:14:58
Why don't you tell him	0:14:58	0:15:00
you want to be a leper again?	0:15:00	0:15:02
I was going to ask him	0:15:02	0:15:04
if he'd make one leg a bit lame	0:15:04	0:15:06
during the middle of the week.	0:15:06	0:15:08
Something beggable, but not leprosy,	0:15:08	0:15:10
which is a pain in the arse.	0:15:10	0:15:12
Brian! Come and clean your room!	0:15:12	0:15:14
There you are.	0:15:14	0:15:16
Thank you, sir.	0:15:16	0:15:17
Half a denarii? For me bloody life story?	0:15:17	0:15:20
There's no pleasing some people.	0:15:20	0:15:22
That's just what Jesus said, sir.	0:15:22	0:15:25
Oh.	0:15:35	0:15:36
Good afternoon.	0:15:36	0:15:38
Oh, uh, hello, officer. Uh...	0:15:38	0:15:40
I'll be with you in a few moments, all right, dear?	0:15:40	0:15:44
What's he doing here?	0:15:44	0:15:46
Don't start. Go clean your room.	0:15:46	0:15:48
Bloody Romans.	0:15:48	0:15:49
Now, look, Brian, if it wasn't for him,	0:15:49	0:15:51
we wouldn't have all this.	0:15:51	0:15:53
And don't you forget it.	0:15:53	0:15:54
We don't owe the Romans anything, Mum.	0:15:54	0:15:57
Oh, that's not entirely true, is it, Brian?	0:15:57	0:15:59
What do you mean?	0:15:59	0:16:00
Well, you know you were asking me about your...	0:16:00	0:16:03
My nose?	0:16:03	0:16:04
Yes. Well, there's a reason	0:16:04	0:16:06
it's like it is, Brian.	0:16:06	0:16:07
What is it?	0:16:07	0:16:09
Well, I suppose I should've told you	0:16:09	0:16:11
a long time ago, but...	0:16:11	0:16:12
What?	0:16:12	0:16:13
Well, Brian...	0:16:13	0:16:15
your father isn't Mr Cohen.	0:16:15	0:16:17
I never thought he was.	0:16:17	0:16:19
Now, none of your cheek!	0:16:19	0:16:21
He was a Roman, Brian.	0:16:21	0:16:23
He was a centurion in the Roman army.	0:16:23	0:16:26
You mean, you were raped?	0:16:26	0:16:28
Well, at first, yes.	0:16:28	0:16:30
Who was it?	0:16:30	0:16:31
Naughtius Maximus his name was. Hmm.	0:16:31	0:16:34
Promised me the known world, he did.	0:16:34	0:16:37
I was to be taken to Rome,	0:16:37	0:16:39
house by the forum, slaves, asses' milk,	0:16:39	0:16:42
as much gold as I could eat.	0:16:42	0:16:44
After having his way with me, voom!	0:16:44	0:16:47
Like a rat out of an aqueduct.	0:16:47	0:16:49
The bastard!	0:16:49	0:16:50
So next time you go on about the bloody Romans,	0:16:50	0:16:53
don't forget you're one of them.	0:16:53	0:16:55
I'm not a Roman!	0:16:55	0:16:56
And I never will be!	0:16:56	0:16:58
I'm a kike, a yid, a hebe, a hooknose!	0:16:58	0:17:01
I'm kosher, Mum!	0:17:01	0:17:03
I'm a Red Sea pedestrian and proud of it!	0:17:03	0:17:06
Huh!	0:17:08	0:17:09
Sex, sex, sex, that's all they think about, eh?	0:17:09	0:17:13
Well, how are you, then, officer?	0:17:13	0:17:16
FANFARE	0:17:16	0:17:18
LIGHT APPLAUSE	0:17:23	0:17:26
Ladies and gentlemen	0:17:32	0:17:34
the next contest is between	0:17:34	0:17:38
Frank Goliath, the Macedonian baby crusher,	0:17:38	0:17:43
and Boris Fineberg.	0:17:43	0:17:47
Thank you, madam. >	0:17:46	0:17:48
Larks' tongues.	0:17:48	0:17:50
Wrens' livers.	0:17:50	0:17:51
Chaffinch brains.	0:17:51	0:17:53
Jaguars' earlobes.	0:17:53	0:17:55
Wolf nipple chips.	0:17:55	0:17:57
Get them while they're hot.	0:17:57	0:17:58
Dromedary pretzels, only half a denarii.	0:17:58	0:18:00
Tuscany-fried bat ears.	0:18:00	0:18:02
I do feel, Reg,	0:18:02	0:18:03
that any anti-imperialist group like ours	0:18:03	0:18:06
must reflect such a divergence of interest	0:18:06	0:18:08
within its power base.	0:18:08	0:18:09
Agree. Francis?	0:18:09	0:18:11
I think Judith's point of view is valid, Reg,	0:18:10	0:18:13
provided the movement never forgets	0:18:13	0:18:15
that it is the unalienable right of every man...	0:18:15	0:18:18
Or woman.	0:18:18	0:18:19
..to rid himself...	0:18:19	0:18:20
Or herself.	0:18:20	0:18:21
Agree. Thanks, brother. Or sister.	0:18:21	0:18:25
Where was I?	0:18:25	0:18:27
I think you finished.	0:18:27	0:18:28
Oh, right.	0:18:28	0:18:29
Furthermore,	0:18:29	0:18:30
it's the birthright of every man...	0:18:30	0:18:32
Or woman.	0:18:32	0:18:33
Shut up about women, Stan.	0:18:33	0:18:34
Women have a right to play a part	0:18:34	0:18:37
in our movement, Reg.	0:18:37	0:18:38
Why are you always on about women?	0:18:38	0:18:40
I want to be one.	0:18:40	0:18:42
What?	0:18:44	0:18:46
I want to be a woman.	0:18:46	0:18:48
From now on, I want you all to call me Loretta.	0:18:48	0:18:52
What?	0:18:52	0:18:53
It's my right as a man.	0:18:53	0:18:55
Well, why do you want to be Loretta, Stan?	0:18:55	0:18:59
I want to have babies.	0:18:59	0:19:01
You want to have babies?	0:19:01	0:19:04
It's every man's right to have babies.	0:19:04	0:19:06
But you can't have babies.	0:19:06	0:19:08
Don't you oppress me.	0:19:08	0:19:09
I'm not oppressing you, Stan.	0:19:09	0:19:11
You haven't got a womb.	0:19:11	0:19:12
Where's the fetus going to gestate?	0:19:12	0:19:14
You going to keep it in a box?	0:19:14	0:19:17
HE SNIFFLES	0:19:17	0:19:18
Here, I've got an idea.	0:19:19	0:19:21
Suppose you agree he can't actually have babies -	0:19:21	0:19:23
not having a womb - which is nobody's fault,	0:19:23	0:19:26
not even the Romans',	0:19:26	0:19:27
but that he can have the RIGHT to have babies.	0:19:27	0:19:30
Good idea, Judith.	0:19:30	0:19:32
We shall fight the oppressors	0:19:32	0:19:33
for your right to have babies, brother...sister.	0:19:33	0:19:36
What's the point?	0:19:36	0:19:38
What?	0:19:38	0:19:39
What's the point of fighting	0:19:39	0:19:40
for his right to have babies	0:19:40	0:19:42
when he can't have babies?	0:19:42	0:19:45
It is symbolic of our struggle against oppression.	0:19:44	0:19:48
Symbolic of his struggle against reality.	0:19:50	0:19:52
FANFARE	0:19:52	0:19:55
Get out there! Get out!	0:19:58	0:20:00
It's dangerous out there!	0:20:00	0:20:02
Aah! Oh!	0:20:02	0:20:03
Boo! Boo! What a load of rubbish!	0:20:19	0:20:23
Dogs' tongues.	0:20:23	0:20:25
Otters' noses.	0:20:25	0:20:26
Ocelot spleens.	0:20:26	0:20:27
Any nuts?	0:20:27	0:20:28
I haven't got any nuts.	0:20:28	0:20:30
I've got wrens' livers, badger spleens.	0:20:30	0:20:32
No, no, no.	0:20:32	0:20:33
Otters' noses?	0:20:33	0:20:34
I don't want Roman rubbish.	0:20:34	0:20:35
Why don't you sell proper food?	0:20:35	0:20:37
Proper food?	0:20:37	0:20:38
Yeah, not those rich imperialist tidbits.	0:20:38	0:20:41
I didn't ask to sell this stuff.	0:20:41	0:20:44
Bag of otters' noses then.	0:20:44	0:20:46
Make it two.	0:20:46	0:20:47
Two.	0:20:47	0:20:48
Thanks, Reg.	0:20:48	0:20:49
Are you the Judean People's Front?	0:20:49	0:20:51
Fuck off!	0:20:51	0:20:52
What?	0:20:52	0:20:53
Judean People's Front!	0:20:53	0:20:56
We're the People's Front Of Judea.	0:20:56	0:20:58
Judean People's Front!	0:20:58	0:21:00
Wankers!	0:21:00	0:21:02
Can I join your group?	0:21:03	0:21:06
Piss off!	0:21:06	0:21:07
I didn't want to sell this stuff.	0:21:07	0:21:09
I hate the Romans.	0:21:09	0:21:11
Shh! Shh!	0:21:11	0:21:13
Are you sure?	0:21:13	0:21:14
Oh, dead sure. I hate the Romans already.	0:21:14	0:21:17
Listen, if you wanted to join the PFJ,	0:21:17	0:21:21
you'd have to REALLY hate the Romans.	0:21:21	0:21:24
I do.	0:21:24	0:21:25
Oh, yeah? How much?	0:21:25	0:21:27
A lot.	0:21:27	0:21:29
Right. You're in.	0:21:30	0:21:32
Listen, the only people we hate	0:21:32	0:21:34
more than the Romans	0:21:34	0:21:36
are the fucking Judean People's Front.	0:21:36	0:21:38
Yeah! Yes!	0:21:37	0:21:39
And the Judean Popular People's Front.	0:21:38	0:21:41
Yes! Oh, yeah!	0:21:41	0:21:42
And the People's Front Of Judea.	0:21:42	0:21:45
What?	0:21:45	0:21:46
The People's Front Of Judea. Splitters!	0:21:45	0:21:47
We're the People's Front Of Judea!	0:21:47	0:21:50
Oh. I thought we were the Popular Front.	0:21:50	0:21:53
People's Front!	0:21:53	0:21:55
Whatever happened to the Popular Front?	0:21:55	0:21:58
He's over there.	0:21:58	0:21:59
Splitter! Splitter!	0:22:02	0:22:03
Oh...oh...	0:22:09	0:22:11
I think I'm about to have a cardiac arrest.	0:22:11	0:22:14
CROWD: Boo! Boo!	0:22:14	0:22:15
Absolutely dreadful.	0:22:15	0:22:18
CROWD CHEERS	0:22:18	0:22:20
Brother!	0:22:29	0:22:31
What's your name?	0:22:32	0:22:34
Brian. Brian Cohen.	0:22:34	0:22:36
We may have a little job for you, Brian.	0:22:36	0:22:40
What's this, then?	0:23:32	0:23:34
"Romanes eunt domus"?	0:23:34	0:23:36
"People called Romanes, they go the house?"	0:23:36	0:23:40
It-it says, "Romans go home."	0:23:39	0:23:41
No, it doesn't.	0:23:41	0:23:43
What's Latin for Roman?	0:23:43	0:23:45
Come on, come on.	0:23:45	0:23:46
Romanus?	0:23:46	0:23:47
Goes like?	0:23:47	0:23:48
Anus?	0:23:48	0:23:49
Formative plural of anus is?	0:23:49	0:23:51
Ani?	0:23:51	0:23:52
Romani.	0:23:52	0:23:53
Eunt? What is eunt?	0:23:54	0:23:56
Go.	0:23:56	0:23:57
Conjugate the verb "to go."	0:23:57	0:23:59
Ire, eo, is, ite, emus, itis, eunt.	0:23:59	0:24:02
So, eunt is?	0:24:02	0:24:03
Uh, uh... third person plural,	0:24:03	0:24:05
present indicative. "They go."	0:24:05	0:24:07
But "Romans go home" is an order,	0:24:07	0:24:09
so you must use the...	0:24:09	0:24:11
The imperative?	0:24:11	0:24:12
Which is?	0:24:12	0:24:13
Um...	0:24:13	0:24:14
Um, um, um... I... i...	0:24:14	0:24:16
How many Romans?	0:24:16	0:24:17
Plural, plural. Ite.	0:24:17	0:24:19
Ite.	0:24:19	0:24:20
Domus.	0:24:22	0:24:23
Nominative.	0:24:23	0:24:25
"Go home," this is motion towards, isn't it, boy?	0:24:25	0:24:28
Dative.	0:24:28	0:24:29
Aah! Oh! Not dative, not dative!	0:24:29	0:24:31
No! Uh, uh...	0:24:31	0:24:33
The accusative! Accusative!	0:24:32	0:24:34
Uh, domum, sir. Domum.	0:24:34	0:24:36
Except that domus takes the...	0:24:36	0:24:38
The locative!	0:24:38	0:24:39
Which is?	0:24:39	0:24:40
Domum!	0:24:40	0:24:41
Domum.	0:24:41	0:24:42
Um.	0:24:42	0:24:44
Understand?	0:24:44	0:24:45
Yes, sir.	0:24:45	0:24:46
Write that 100 times.	0:24:46	0:24:47
Yes, sir. Thank you. Hail caesar.	0:24:47	0:24:49
Hail Caesar. Finish it by sunrise,	0:24:49	0:24:51
or I'll cut your balls off.	0:24:51	0:24:53
Thank you, sir! Hail Caesar, sir!	0:24:53	0:24:55
Finished!	0:25:16	0:25:17
Right.	0:25:18	0:25:19
Now don't do it again.	0:25:19	0:25:22
Hey, bloody Romans!	0:25:45	0:25:46
We're getting in	0:26:20	0:26:21
through this underground heating system,	0:26:21	0:26:23
up through the main audience chamber here,	0:26:23	0:26:26
and Pilate's wife's bedroom is here.	0:26:26	0:26:28
Having grabbed his wife,	0:26:28	0:26:30
we inform Pilate that she's in our custody	0:26:30	0:26:33
and forthwith issue our demands.	0:26:33	0:26:34
Any questions?	0:26:34	0:26:35
What exactly are the demands?	0:26:35	0:26:37
We're giving Pilate two days	0:26:37	0:26:39
to dismantle the entire apparatus	0:26:39	0:26:40
of the Roman imperialist state.	0:26:40	0:26:41
Unless he agrees immediately,	0:26:41	0:26:43
we execute her.	0:26:43	0:26:44
Cut her head off?	0:26:44	0:26:45
Cut all her bits off,	0:26:45	0:26:47
send them back hourly.	0:26:47	0:26:48
Show them we won't be trifled with.	0:26:48	0:26:50
And, of course, we point out	0:26:50	0:26:52
that they bear full responsibility	0:26:52	0:26:54
when we chop her up	0:26:54	0:26:55
and that we shall not submit to blackmail!	0:26:55	0:26:58
No blackmail! No blackmail!	0:26:58	0:27:00
They bled us white, the bastards.	0:27:00	0:27:02
They've taken everything we had.	0:27:02	0:27:04
Not just from us -	0:27:04	0:27:05
from our fathers, and our fathers' fathers.	0:27:05	0:27:08
And from our fathers'	0:27:08	0:27:09
fathers' fathers.	0:27:09	0:27:10
Yeah.	0:27:10	0:27:11
And from our fathers'	0:27:11	0:27:12
fathers' fathers' fathers.	0:27:12	0:27:13
Don't labour the point.	0:27:13	0:27:14
And what have they ever given us in return?	0:27:14	0:27:17
The aqueduct?	0:27:19	0:27:21
What?	0:27:20	0:27:22
The aqueduct.	0:27:22	0:27:23
Oh...yeah, yeah. They did give us that.	0:27:23	0:27:25
That's true.	0:27:25	0:27:26
And the sanitation.	0:27:26	0:27:27
Oh, yeah.	0:27:27	0:27:28
The sanitation, Reg.	0:27:28	0:27:29
Remember what the city used to be like?	0:27:29	0:27:32
All right, I'll grant you	0:27:32	0:27:34
the aqueduct and the sanitation.	0:27:34	0:27:35
And the roads.	0:27:35	0:27:37
Well, obviously the roads.	0:27:37	0:27:38
The roads go without saying, don't they?	0:27:38	0:27:40
But apart from the sanitation,	0:27:40	0:27:42
the aqueduct, and the roads...	0:27:42	0:27:44
Irrigation? Medicine?	0:27:44	0:27:45
Education?	0:27:45	0:27:47
All right, fair enough...	0:27:47	0:27:48
And the wine.	0:27:48	0:27:49
Yes. Oh, yes.	0:27:49	0:27:51
Yeah, that's something we'd really miss if the Romans left.	0:27:51	0:27:54
Public baths.	0:27:54	0:27:55
It's safe to walk the streets	0:27:55	0:27:57
at night now, Reg.	0:27:57	0:27:58
They're the only ones who could keep order	0:27:58	0:28:00
in a place like this.	0:28:00	0:28:02
THEY LAUGH	0:28:02	0:28:03
All right, but apart	0:28:03	0:28:05
from the sanitation, the medicine,	0:28:05	0:28:06
education, wine, public order, irrigation,	0:28:06	0:28:08
roads, the fresh water system,	0:28:08	0:28:10
and public health,	0:28:10	0:28:11
what have the Romans ever done for us?	0:28:11	0:28:15
Brought peace.	0:28:15	0:28:17
Oh, peace.	0:28:16	0:28:18
Shut up!	0:28:18	0:28:19
POUNDING ON DOOR	0:28:19	0:28:21
KNOCK AT DOOR	0:28:27	0:28:29
I'm a poor man.	0:28:29	0:28:31
My stomach is poor,	0:28:31	0:28:32
my legs are old and bent.	0:28:32	0:28:34
It's all right, Matthias.	0:28:34	0:28:36
It's all clear.	0:28:36	0:28:38
Well, where's Reg?	0:28:45	0:28:47
Oh, Reg!	0:28:48	0:28:49
Reg!	0:28:49	0:28:50
It's Judith.	0:28:50	0:28:52
What went wrong?	0:28:52	0:28:53
The first blow has been struck!	0:28:53	0:28:56
Did he finish the slogan?	0:28:55	0:28:57
A hundred times!	0:28:57	0:28:59
In letters 10-foot high,	0:28:58	0:29:00
all the way around the palace.	0:29:00	0:29:03
Oh, great!	0:29:03	0:29:05
Great!	0:29:05	0:29:06
We need doers in our movement, Brian,	0:29:06	0:29:08
but before you join us, know this -	0:29:08	0:29:10
there's not one here	0:29:10	0:29:11
who would not gladly suffer death	0:29:11	0:29:13
to rid this country of the Romans forever.	0:29:13	0:29:15
< Uh, well, one.	0:29:15	0:29:17
Oh, yeah. There's one.	0:29:17	0:29:19
But otherwise, we're solid. Are you with us?	0:29:19	0:29:21
Yes!	0:29:21	0:29:22
From now on, you shall be called	0:29:22	0:29:25
Brian that is called Brian.	0:29:25	0:29:28
Tell him about the raid on Pilate's palace.	0:29:28	0:29:31
Right.	0:29:31	0:29:32
This is the plan...	0:29:32	0:29:33
'Now, this is the palace on Caesar's Square.	0:29:33	0:29:36
'Our commandos will approach	0:29:36	0:29:38
'from Fish Street at night	0:29:38	0:29:39
'and make our way	0:29:39	0:29:41
'to the north-western main drain.	0:29:41	0:29:43
'If questioned, we are sewage workers	0:29:43	0:29:45
'on our way to a conference.	0:29:45	0:29:47
'Reg, our glorious leader	0:29:47	0:29:49
'and founder of the PFJ,	0:29:49	0:29:51
'will be coordinating consultant	0:29:51	0:29:52
'at the drain head,	0:29:52	0:29:53
'though he himself will not be taking part	0:29:53	0:29:56
'in any terrorist action	0:29:56	0:29:57
'as he has a bad back.'	0:29:57	0:29:59
Aren't you coming along?	0:29:59	0:30:00
Solidarity, brother.	0:30:00	0:30:01
Oh, yes... solidarity, Reg.	0:30:01	0:30:03
'Once in the sewer,	0:30:03	0:30:05
'timing will be of the essence.	0:30:05	0:30:07
'There's a Roman feast later in the evening,	0:30:07	0:30:09
'so move fast,	0:30:09	0:30:10
'and don't wear your best sandals.	0:30:10	0:30:12
'Turning left here,	0:30:12	0:30:13
we enter the Caesar Augustus memorial sewer,	0:30:13	0:30:16
'and from there proceed directly to the hypocaust.	0:30:16	0:30:18
'This has just been retiled, so terrorists -	0:30:18	0:30:21
'careful with those weapons!	0:30:21	0:30:23
'We will now be directly beneath	0:30:23	0:30:25
'Pilate's audience chamber itself.	0:30:25	0:30:27
'This is the moment	0:30:27	0:30:28
'for Habbakuk to get out his prong.'	0:30:28	0:30:31
Shh!	0:31:27	0:31:29
< Shh!	0:31:29	0:31:30
Campaign For Free Galilee.	0:31:46	0:31:48
Oh, uh...	0:31:48	0:31:49
People's Front Of Judea.	0:31:49	0:31:51
Officials.	0:31:51	0:31:52
Oh.	0:31:52	0:31:53
What're you doing here?	0:31:53	0:31:55
Kidnap pilot's wife,	0:31:55	0:31:56
take her back, issue demands.	0:31:56	0:31:57
So are we. That's our plan.	0:31:57	0:32:00
We were here first.	0:32:00	0:32:01
What do you mean?	0:32:01	0:32:03
We thought of it first,	0:32:03	0:32:05
a couple of years ago.	0:32:05	0:32:06
THEY LAUGH	0:32:06	0:32:08
All your demands worked out?	0:32:08	0:32:10
Of course.	0:32:10	0:32:11
What are they?	0:32:11	0:32:12
I'm not telling you.	0:32:12	0:32:14
That's not the point.	0:32:14	0:32:15
We thought of it before you.	0:32:15	0:32:18
Did not.	0:32:18	0:32:19
We bloody did!	0:32:19	0:32:20
We've planned this for months.	0:32:20	0:32:22
Tough titty for you, fish face.	0:32:22	0:32:24
Ow!	0:32:24	0:32:25
Brothers, we should be struggling together.	0:32:27	0:32:29
We are.	0:32:29	0:32:30
Ohh!	0:32:30	0:32:32
We musn't fight each other.	0:32:32	0:32:33
We should be united against the common enemy.	0:32:33	0:32:36
The Judean People's Front!	0:32:36	0:32:39
No, no. The Romans.	0:32:39	0:32:40
Oh. Yeah. Uh-huh. Yes.	0:32:40	0:32:44
(Look out!)	0:32:43	0:32:45
All right, where were we?	0:32:51	0:32:52
You had a punch coming.	0:32:52	0:32:54
Oh, yeah.	0:32:54	0:32:55
Brothers!	0:33:17	0:33:18
WHACK!	0:33:36	0:33:37
Ohh!	0:33:46	0:33:48
WHIP CRACKS	0:33:48	0:33:49
Aah!	0:33:49	0:33:51
Ha ha ha!	0:34:10	0:34:11
HE SPITS	0:34:11	0:34:13
< You lucky bastard.	0:34:18	0:34:20
Who's that?	0:34:20	0:34:22
You lucky, lucky bastard.	0:34:22	0:34:25
Proper little jailer's pet, aren't we?	0:34:24	0:34:27
What do you mean?	0:34:27	0:34:28
You must have slipped him a few shekels.	0:34:28	0:34:31
Slipped him shekels? You saw him spit in my face.	0:34:31	0:34:34
What wouldn't I give to be spat at in the face?	0:34:34	0:34:38
I sometimes hang awake nights	0:34:38	0:34:40
dreaming of being spat at in the face.	0:34:40	0:34:43
It's not exactly friendly.	0:34:43	0:34:44
They have me in manacles.	0:34:44	0:34:46
Manacles! Ahh.	0:34:46	0:34:48
My idea of heaven	0:34:48	0:34:49
is to be put in manacles just for a few hours.	0:34:49	0:34:54
They must think the sun shines out of your arse, sonny.	0:34:54	0:34:58
I've had a hard time.	0:34:58	0:35:00
YOU'VE had a hard time?	0:35:00	0:35:01
I've been here five years.	0:35:01	0:35:03
They only hung me the right way up yesterday.	0:35:03	0:35:06
All right, all right.	0:35:06	0:35:08
They must think you're Lord God Almighty.	0:35:08	0:35:12
What will they do to me?	0:35:12	0:35:14
You'll get away with crucifixion.	0:35:14	0:35:16
Crucifixion!?	0:35:16	0:35:17
Yeah. First offence.	0:35:17	0:35:19
Get away with crucifixion(?) It's...	0:35:19	0:35:21
Best thing the Romans ever did for us.	0:35:21	0:35:24
If we didn't have crucifixion,	0:35:24	0:35:26
this country would be in a bloody mess.	0:35:26	0:35:28
Nail 'em up, I say.	0:35:28	0:35:30
Guard!	0:35:30	0:35:31
Nail some sense into 'em.	0:35:31	0:35:33
What do you want?	0:35:33	0:35:35
Move me to another cell. GUARD SPITS	0:35:35	0:35:36
Ha!	0:35:36	0:35:37
Aah.	0:35:37	0:35:38
Oh. Look at that.	0:35:38	0:35:40
Bloody favouritism.	0:35:40	0:35:42
Shut up, you.	0:35:42	0:35:43
Sorry.	0:35:43	0:35:44
Now, take my case.	0:35:46	0:35:48
I've hung here five years.	0:35:48	0:35:50
Every night they take me down for 20 minutes,	0:35:50	0:35:53
then hang me up again.	0:35:53	0:35:55
Very fair in view of what I done.	0:35:55	0:35:58
It's taught me to respect the Romans.	0:35:58	0:36:00
It's taught me you'll never get anywhere in this life	0:36:00	0:36:04
unless you're prepared to do a fair day's work	0:36:04	0:36:08
for a fair day's...	0:36:08	0:36:09
Shut up!	0:36:09	0:36:11
Pilate wants to see you.	0:36:13	0:36:15
Me? What's he want to see me for?	0:36:15	0:36:18
Wants to know how you want to be crucified?	0:36:18	0:36:21
Oh, ha ha ha ha!	0:36:21	0:36:23
Nice one, centurion. Like it, like it.	0:36:23	0:36:25
Shut up!	0:36:25	0:36:26
Right. Right.	0:36:26	0:36:28
Terrific race, the Romans.	0:36:29	0:36:31
Terrific.	0:36:31	0:36:33
This will make a nice living area.	0:36:42	0:36:45
MARCHING FEET	0:36:45	0:36:48
Hail Caesar.	0:36:50	0:36:51
Only one survivor, sir.	0:36:51	0:36:52
Ah!	0:36:52	0:36:53
HE LISPS: Thwow him down!	0:36:53	0:36:55
What's that?	0:36:55	0:36:56
Thwow him to the floor.	0:36:56	0:36:58
Ah.	0:36:58	0:36:59
Aah!	0:37:00	0:37:02
Hmm.	0:37:02	0:37:03
Now, what is your name...Jew?	0:37:03	0:37:06
Brian, sir.	0:37:06	0:37:08
Bwian, eh?	0:37:08	0:37:09
No. Brian.	0:37:09	0:37:10
Ow!	0:37:11	0:37:12
Ha ha.	0:37:12	0:37:13
The little wascal has spiwit.	0:37:13	0:37:16
Has what, sir?	0:37:16	0:37:17
Spiwit.	0:37:17	0:37:18
Yes. He did, sir.	0:37:18	0:37:20
No, no.	0:37:20	0:37:21
Spiwit, bwavado,	0:37:21	0:37:23
a touch of dewwing-do.	0:37:23	0:37:25
Oh. About 11:00, sir.	0:37:25	0:37:27
Tho...you dare to waid us.	0:37:30	0:37:33
To what, sir?	0:37:33	0:37:35
Stwike him, centuwion.	0:37:35	0:37:36
Vewy woughly.	0:37:36	0:37:37
Ow!	0:37:37	0:37:38
Oh, and thwow him to the floor, sir?	0:37:38	0:37:41
What?	0:37:41	0:37:42
Thwow him down again?	0:37:42	0:37:43
Oh, yes, please.	0:37:43	0:37:45
Ow!	0:37:46	0:37:47
Now...Jewish wapscallion...	0:37:47	0:37:51
I'm not Jewish. I'm a Roman.	0:37:51	0:37:53
A Woman?	0:37:53	0:37:54
No, no. Roman.	0:37:54	0:37:56
Ow!	0:37:56	0:37:57
Oh, your father was a Woman?	0:37:57	0:38:00
Who was he?	0:38:00	0:38:02
He was a centurion.	0:38:02	0:38:03
In the Jerusalem garrisons.	0:38:03	0:38:06
Weally?	0:38:06	0:38:07
What was his name?	0:38:07	0:38:09
Naughtius Maximus.	0:38:09	0:38:11
HE LAUGHS	0:38:11	0:38:13
Centuwion, do you have anyone of that name	0:38:14	0:38:17
in the gawwison?	0:38:17	0:38:19
Well, no, sir.	0:38:19	0:38:20
You sound vewy sure.	0:38:20	0:38:22
Have you checked?	0:38:22	0:38:24
Well, no, sir.	0:38:24	0:38:26
Um, I think it's a joke, sir.	0:38:26	0:38:28
Like Sillius Sodus or Biggus Dickus, sir.	0:38:28	0:38:32
GUARDS CHORTLE	0:38:32	0:38:33
What's so funny about Biggus Dickus?	0:38:33	0:38:37
Well, it's a joke name, sir.	0:38:37	0:38:40
I have a vewy gweat fwiend in wome	0:38:40	0:38:43
called Biggus Dickus.	0:38:43	0:38:45
GUARD CHORTLES	0:38:45	0:38:47
Silence!	0:38:47	0:38:48
What is all this insolence?	0:38:48	0:38:50
You will find yourself in gladiator school	0:38:50	0:38:52
vewy quickly	0:38:52	0:38:53
with wotten behavior like that.	0:38:53	0:38:55
Can I go now?	0:38:55	0:38:57
Ow!	0:38:57	0:38:58
Wait till Biggus Dickus hears this.	0:38:59	0:39:01
GUARD CHORTLES	0:39:01	0:39:02
Wight! Take him away.	0:39:02	0:39:05
Oh, sir, he...	0:39:05	0:39:07
I want him fighting wabid wild animals within a week.	0:39:07	0:39:10
Come on, you.	0:39:10	0:39:12
I'll not have my fwiends widiculed	0:39:13	0:39:16
by the common soldiewy.	0:39:16	0:39:19
Anybody else feel like a little	0:39:20	0:39:24
giggle	0:39:24	0:39:26
when I mention my fwiend	0:39:25	0:39:29
Biggus...	0:39:29	0:39:30
HE CHORTLES QUIETLY	0:39:30	0:39:32
..Dickus?	0:39:32	0:39:33
What about you?	0:39:37	0:39:39
Do you find it...	0:39:39	0:39:40
wisible...	0:39:40	0:39:42
..when I say the name...	0:39:44	0:39:47
Biggus...	0:39:47	0:39:48
HE SQUEAKS	0:39:48	0:39:50
..Dickus?	0:39:50	0:39:52
GUARDS CHORTLE	0:39:52	0:39:53
He has a wife, you know.	0:40:10	0:40:12
You know what she's called?	0:40:13	0:40:15
She's called...	0:40:18	0:40:21
Incontinentia.	0:40:21	0:40:22
Incontinentia Buttocks.	0:40:24	0:40:26
Shut up!	0:40:26	0:40:27
What is all this?	0:40:27	0:40:29
I've had enough of this wowdy behaviour.	0:40:29	0:40:32
Silence!	0:40:32	0:40:34
You call yourself centuwion guards?	0:40:34	0:40:36
Seize him!	0:40:36	0:40:37
Blow your noses and seize him.	0:40:37	0:40:40
Hmm?	0:40:51	0:40:53
Oh.	0:40:53	0:40:55
HE WHISTLES A TUNE	0:41:00	0:41:03
Aaaaaah!	0:41:15	0:41:17
THEY SPEAK ALIEN LANGUAGE	0:41:25	0:41:29
ALARM SOUNDS	0:41:29	0:41:33
Ooh, you lucky bastard.	0:42:31	0:42:34
And the prisons shall be huge and black,	0:42:50	0:42:53
and the aisles thereof	0:42:53	0:42:55
red with the blood of living creatures.	0:42:55	0:42:58
And the whore of Babylon	0:42:58	0:43:00
shall ride forth on a three-headed serpent,	0:43:00	0:43:04
and throughout the lands	0:43:04	0:43:05
there will be a great rubbing of parts.	0:43:05	0:43:09
The demon shall bear a nine-bladed sword.	0:43:08	0:43:13
Nine-bladed,	0:43:13	0:43:14
not two or five or seven,	0:43:14	0:43:16
but nine!	0:43:16	0:43:17
Which he will wield on all wretched sinners	0:43:17	0:43:20
just like you, sir, there.	0:43:20	0:43:22
And the horns shall be on the head...	0:43:22	0:43:25
...Hebediah and his servants.	0:43:25	0:43:26
There shall in that time	0:43:26	0:43:28
be rumours of things going astray.	0:43:28	0:43:31
Um, and there shall be a great confusion	0:43:31	0:43:34
as to where things really are,	0:43:34	0:43:36
and nobody will really know	0:43:36	0:43:38
where lieth those little things	0:43:38	0:43:40
with a sort of raffia-work base	0:43:40	0:43:43
that has an attachment.	0:43:43	0:43:44
At this time,	0:43:44	0:43:46
a friend shall lose his friend's hammer,	0:43:46	0:43:49
and the young shall not know where lieth	0:43:49	0:43:52
the things possessed by their fathers	0:43:52	0:43:55
that their fathers put there	0:43:54	0:43:56
only just the night before.	0:43:56	0:43:59
Yea, it is written in the Book of Cyril,	0:43:59	0:44:01
that in that time...	0:44:01	0:44:04
How much? Quick.	0:44:13	0:44:14
What?	0:44:14	0:44:15
It's for the wife.	0:44:15	0:44:17
Oh, uh...20 shekels.	0:44:17	0:44:18
Right.	0:44:18	0:44:19
There you are.	0:44:19	0:44:21
Wait a minute.	0:44:21	0:44:22
We're supposed to haggle.	0:44:22	0:44:24
No, no.	0:44:24	0:44:25
What do you mean?	0:44:25	0:44:26
I haven't got time.	0:44:26	0:44:28
Give it back then.	0:44:28	0:44:29
I just paid you.	0:44:29	0:44:30
Burt, this bloke won't haggle.	0:44:30	0:44:32
Won't haggle?	0:44:32	0:44:33
Do we have to?	0:44:33	0:44:34
I want 20 for that.	0:44:34	0:44:36
I gave you 20.	0:44:36	0:44:38
Are you saying that's not worth 20 shekels?	0:44:38	0:44:41
Feel the quality.	0:44:41	0:44:42
I'll give you 19.	0:44:42	0:44:43
Come on. Do it properly.	0:44:43	0:44:45
Haggle properly.	0:44:45	0:44:46
This isn't worth 19.	0:44:46	0:44:48
You said it's worth 20.	0:44:48	0:44:50
Come on. Haggle.	0:44:50	0:44:51
All right. I'll give you 10.	0:44:51	0:44:54
That's more like it.	0:44:53	0:44:55
10? You trying to insult me?	0:44:55	0:44:57
Me, with a poor dying grandmother?	0:44:57	0:44:59
All right. 11.	0:44:59	0:45:01
11? Did I hear you right?	0:45:01	0:45:03
This cost me 12.	0:45:03	0:45:05
Want to ruin me?	0:45:05	0:45:06
17?	0:45:06	0:45:07
No, no, no. 17.	0:45:07	0:45:09
18.	0:45:09	0:45:10
Go to 14 now.	0:45:10	0:45:11
14.	0:45:11	0:45:13
14? Are you joking?	0:45:13	0:45:14
That's what you said.	0:45:14	0:45:16
Tell me what to say.	0:45:16	0:45:18
Offer 14.	0:45:19	0:45:20
14.	0:45:20	0:45:21
He's offering me 14 for this.	0:45:21	0:45:23
15.	0:45:23	0:45:24
17. Not a penny less.	0:45:24	0:45:27
16. Done.	0:45:27	0:45:29
Nice to do business with you.	0:45:29	0:45:31
I'll throw in this.	0:45:31	0:45:32
I don't want it.	0:45:32	0:45:34
Burt.	0:45:34	0:45:35
All right. All right.	0:45:35	0:45:36
Where's the 16?	0:45:36	0:45:38
I just gave you 20.	0:45:38	0:45:40
I owe you 4.	0:45:40	0:45:41
I've got it somewhere.	0:45:41	0:45:42
4 for the gourd.	0:45:42	0:45:44
4? For this gourd?	0:45:44	0:45:46
It's worth 10 if it's worth a shekel.	0:45:46	0:45:49
You just gave it away.	0:45:49	0:45:51
But it's WORTH 10.	0:45:51	0:45:53
All right, all right.	0:45:53	0:45:54
No, no, no. It's not worth 10.	0:45:57	0:46:00
You're supposed to argue -	0:46:00	0:46:01
"10? You must be mad."	0:46:01	0:46:03
There's one born every minute.	0:46:05	0:46:07
Daniel.	0:46:08	0:46:10
Daniel.	0:46:10	0:46:11
Job.	0:46:11	0:46:12
Job.	0:46:12	0:46:13
Joshua.	0:46:13	0:46:14
Joshua.	0:46:14	0:46:15
Judges.	0:46:15	0:46:16
Judges.	0:46:16	0:46:17
And Brian.	0:46:17	0:46:18
And Brian.	0:46:18	0:46:19
And Brian.	0:46:19	0:46:20
I propose that all seven of these ex-brothers	0:46:20	0:46:23
be now entered in the minutes	0:46:23	0:46:25
as probationary martyrs to the cause.	0:46:25	0:46:27
I second that, Reg.	0:46:27	0:46:28
Thank you, Loretta.	0:46:28	0:46:30
On the nod.	0:46:30	0:46:31
Siblings, let us not be downhearted.	0:46:31	0:46:34
One total catastrophe like this	0:46:34	0:46:38
is just the beginning.	0:46:38	0:46:39
Their glorious deaths should unite us all...	0:46:39	0:46:43
Look out.	0:46:43	0:46:45
Hello?	0:46:55	0:46:56
Matthias?	0:46:57	0:46:58
Reg?	0:46:59	0:47:00
Go away.	0:47:00	0:47:01
Reg?	0:47:02	0:47:03
It's me - Brian.	0:47:03	0:47:05
Get off out of it.	0:47:05	0:47:06
Stan!	0:47:06	0:47:07
Piss off!	0:47:07	0:47:08
Yeah, piss off!	0:47:08	0:47:10
Bugger off!	0:47:10	0:47:11
POUNDING ON DOOR	0:47:11	0:47:12
Oh...	0:47:12	0:47:13
Shit!	0:47:13	0:47:14
Coming!	0:47:16	0:47:17
POUNDING CONTINUES	0:47:18	0:47:19
Yea, verily at that time,	0:47:22	0:47:23
it was written in the Book Of Obadiah -	0:47:23	0:47:26
"A man shall strike his donkey	0:47:26	0:47:28
and his nephew's donkey..."	0:47:27	0:47:30
My eyes are dim, I cannot see.	0:47:33	0:47:36
Are you Matthias?	0:47:36	0:47:38
Yes.	0:47:38	0:47:39
We have reason to believe	0:47:39	0:47:40
you're hiding Brian of Nazareth,	0:47:40	0:47:42
a member of the terrorist organisation,	0:47:42	0:47:44
the People's Front Of Judea.	0:47:44	0:47:45
Me? No.	0:47:45	0:47:46
I'm just a poor old man.	0:47:46	0:47:48
I've no time for lawbreakers.	0:47:48	0:47:50
My legs are grey, my ears are null,	0:47:50	0:47:52
my eyes are old and bent...	0:47:52	0:47:54
Quiet!	0:47:54	0:47:55
Silly person.	0:47:54	0:47:55
Guards, search the house!	0:47:55	0:47:57
You know the penalty laid down by Roman law	0:48:07	0:48:10
for harbouring a known criminal?	0:48:10	0:48:12
No.	0:48:12	0:48:13
Crucifixion.	0:48:13	0:48:14
Oh.	0:48:14	0:48:15
Nasty, eh?	0:48:17	0:48:18
Could be worse.	0:48:18	0:48:20
What do you mean, "could be worse"?	0:48:20	0:48:22
Well, it could be stabbed.	0:48:22	0:48:24
Stabbed? It takes a second!	0:48:24	0:48:26
Crucifixion lasts hours!	0:48:26	0:48:28
It's a slow, horrible death.	0:48:28	0:48:30
Well, at least it gets you	0:48:30	0:48:32
out in the open air.	0:48:32	0:48:34
You're weird.	0:48:34	0:48:36
Couldn't find anything, sir.	0:48:44	0:48:46
But don't worry,	0:48:47	0:48:48
you've not seen the last of us...	0:48:48	0:48:50
..weirdo.	0:48:50	0:48:51
Big nose!	0:48:51	0:48:52
Watch it.	0:48:52	0:48:53
Whew, that was lucky.	0:48:56	0:48:58
I'm sorry, Reg.	0:49:02	0:49:03
Oh, it's all right, siblings...he's sorry.	0:49:03	0:49:05
He's sorry he led the fifth legion	0:49:05	0:49:07
straight to our official headquarters.	0:49:07	0:49:09
That's all right then, Brian.	0:49:09	0:49:11
Sit down. Make yourself at home.	0:49:11	0:49:13
You klutz!	0:49:13	0:49:15
You stupid, bird-brained,	0:49:15	0:49:17
flat-headed...	0:49:17	0:49:18
POUNDING ON DOOR	0:49:18	0:49:21
POUNDING CONTINUES	0:49:25	0:49:26
My legs are old and bent,	0:49:26	0:49:28
my ears are grizzled. Yes?	0:49:28	0:49:30
There's one place we didn't look.	0:49:30	0:49:33
Guards!	0:49:33	0:49:34
I'm just a poor old man.	0:49:34	0:49:36
My sight is poor, my legs are poor,	0:49:36	0:49:38
and my nose is knackered.	0:49:38	0:49:39
Have you ever seen anyone crucified?	0:49:39	0:49:42
Crucifixion's a doddle.	0:49:42	0:49:43
Don't keep saying that.	0:49:44	0:49:46
Found this spoon, sir.	0:49:50	0:49:52
Well done, Sergeant.	0:49:53	0:49:54
We'll be back...oddball.	0:49:55	0:49:58
POUNDING ON DOOR	0:50:00	0:50:02
Open up.	0:50:02	0:50:03
You haven't given us time to hide.	0:50:03	0:50:06
Aaaaaah!	0:50:07	0:50:08
Whaaah!	0:50:08	0:50:09
And with that sword he shall strike you.	0:50:17	0:50:20
Those who do not repent shall burn fiercely.	0:50:21	0:50:25
Don't pass judgment on other people,	0:50:28	0:50:32
or you might get judged yourself.	0:50:32	0:50:34
What?	0:50:34	0:50:35
Don't pass judgment on other people,	0:50:35	0:50:37
or else you might get judged, too.	0:50:37	0:50:40
Who, me?	0:50:40	0:50:41
Yes.	0:50:41	0:50:42
Thank you.	0:50:42	0:50:43
Not just you. All of you.	0:50:43	0:50:45
That's a nice gourd.	0:50:45	0:50:47
How much for the gourd?	0:50:47	0:50:49
You can have it.	0:50:49	0:50:50
Have it?	0:50:50	0:50:51
Consider the lilies...	0:50:51	0:50:52
Don't you want to haggle?	0:50:52	0:50:54
..in the field.	0:50:54	0:50:55
What's wrong with it?	0:50:55	0:50:57
Consider the lilies?	0:50:57	0:50:58
Well, the birds, then.	0:50:58	0:51:00
What birds?	0:51:00	0:51:01
Any birds.	0:51:01	0:51:02
Why?	0:51:02	0:51:03
Have they got jobs?	0:51:03	0:51:04
Who?	0:51:04	0:51:05
The birds.	0:51:05	0:51:06
Have the birds got jobs?	0:51:06	0:51:08
What's the matter with him?	0:51:08	0:51:10
Says the birds are scrounging.	0:51:10	0:51:12
The point is the birds do all right.	0:51:12	0:51:15
Good luck to 'em.	0:51:15	0:51:16
They're very pretty.	0:51:16	0:51:17
You're much more important than they are,	0:51:17	0:51:20
so what are you worrying about?	0:51:20	0:51:23
There you are, see?	0:51:23	0:51:24
What have you got against birds?	0:51:24	0:51:27
I haven't got anything against birds.	0:51:27	0:51:29
Consider the lilies.	0:51:29	0:51:30
He's going after the flowers.	0:51:30	0:51:32
I'll give you 1 for it.	0:51:32	0:51:34
It's yours.	0:51:34	0:51:35
2 then.	0:51:35	0:51:36
There was this man.	0:51:36	0:51:38
He had two servants.	0:51:38	0:51:39
What were they called?	0:51:39	0:51:40
What were their names?	0:51:40	0:51:42
I don't know.	0:51:42	0:51:43
He gave them some talents.	0:51:43	0:51:45
You don't know?	0:51:45	0:51:46
He doesn't know what they were called.	0:51:46	0:51:49
Oh, Simon and Adrian!	0:51:49	0:51:50
Oh, you said you didn't know.	0:51:50	0:51:53
It really doesn't matter.	0:51:53	0:51:54
There were two servants.	0:51:54	0:51:56
He's making it up as he goes along.	0:51:55	0:51:58
Wait. Or were there three?	0:51:58	0:52:00
Oh, he's terrible.	0:52:00	0:52:02
Stewards.	0:52:02	0:52:04
Oh, get off!	0:52:04	0:52:06
Uh...	0:52:08	0:52:10
Now...now hear this.	0:52:11	0:52:13
Blessed are they	0:52:13	0:52:14
who convert their neighbour's oxen,	0:52:14	0:52:16
for they shall inhibit their girth.	0:52:16	0:52:19
Rubbish!	0:52:19	0:52:20
And to them only shall be given...	0:52:20	0:52:24
To them only...	0:52:24	0:52:26
shall...	0:52:26	0:52:28
be given...	0:52:28	0:52:30
What?	0:52:32	0:52:33
Hmm?	0:52:33	0:52:34
Shall be given what?	0:52:34	0:52:35
Oh, nothing.	0:52:35	0:52:36
What were you going to say?	0:52:36	0:52:39
You were going to say something.	0:52:39	0:52:41
Come on, tell us.	0:52:41	0:52:43
I'm finished.	0:52:43	0:52:44
Why won't he tell us?	0:52:44	0:52:46
He won't say.	0:52:46	0:52:47
It ain't a secret, is it?	0:52:47	0:52:50
Oh, tell us.	0:52:50	0:52:51
Leave me alone.	0:52:51	0:52:52
Is it the secret of eternal life?	0:52:52	0:52:55
If I knew, I wouldn't say either.	0:52:55	0:52:58
Just tell ME, please.	0:52:58	0:52:59
Tell us, master. We were here first.	0:52:59	0:53:02
We were here first.	0:53:02	0:53:04
Go away!	0:53:04	0:53:05
Tell us, master.	0:53:05	0:53:06
Is that his gourd?	0:53:06	0:53:08
Yeah, but it's under offer.	0:53:08	0:53:10
This is his gourd.	0:53:10	0:53:12
10!	0:53:12	0:53:13
It is his gourd.	0:53:13	0:53:15
We will carry it for you, master.	0:53:15	0:53:18
Master?	0:53:18	0:53:19
He's gone.	0:53:19	0:53:20
He's been taken up.	0:53:20	0:53:23
He's been taken up!	0:53:23	0:53:25
19!	0:53:25	0:53:27
No, there he is.	0:53:27	0:53:28
Look!	0:53:53	0:53:55
He has given us a sign.	0:53:55	0:53:57
He has given us...	0:53:57	0:53:59
his shoe!	0:53:59	0:54:00
His shoe is the sign.	0:53:59	0:54:01
Let us follow his example.	0:54:01	0:54:03
Let us, like him, hold up one shoe,	0:54:03	0:54:05
with the other upon our foot.	0:54:05	0:54:08
This is his sign that all who follow him	0:54:07	0:54:11
shall do likewise.	0:54:11	0:54:12
No. The shoe is a sign	0:54:12	0:54:14
that we must gather shoes.	0:54:14	0:54:16
Cast off the shoes.	0:54:16	0:54:18
Follow the gourd.	0:54:18	0:54:19
Let us gather shoes together.	0:54:19	0:54:21
No. It is a sign	0:54:21	0:54:23
we must think not of the things of the body,	0:54:23	0:54:26
but of the face and head.	0:54:26	0:54:29
Give me your shoe.	0:54:29	0:54:30
Get off.	0:54:30	0:54:31
Follow the gourd,	0:54:31	0:54:33
the holy gourd of Jerusalem.	0:54:33	0:54:35
Hold up the sandal.	0:54:35	0:54:36
It is a shoe.	0:54:36	0:54:38
It is a sandal.	0:54:38	0:54:39
No, it's not. It's a shoe.	0:54:39	0:54:42
Cast it away!	0:54:42	0:54:43
Put it on!	0:54:43	0:54:45
Take the shoes and follow him.	0:54:44	0:54:47
Come, all ye, to the gourd.	0:54:47	0:54:49
The shoe! The gourd!	0:54:49	0:54:51
The gourd! The shoe!	0:54:51	0:54:52
The shoe! The gourd!	0:54:52	0:54:55
Stop. Let us...	0:54:54	0:54:57
let us pray.	0:54:57	0:55:00
Yea, he cometh to us	0:55:00	0:55:02
like the sea to the grave...	0:55:02	0:55:05
Master!	0:55:26	0:55:28
Master!	0:55:28	0:55:30
Hey! Is there another way down?	0:55:50	0:55:54
Is there another path down to the river?	0:55:54	0:55:58
Please help me. I've got to get...	0:55:58	0:56:01
Oh, my foot! Oh.	0:56:04	0:56:06
Shh!	0:56:06	0:56:07
Oh, damn, damn, damn.	0:56:07	0:56:09
I'm sorry.	0:56:09	0:56:11
Oh, damn, damn, and blast it.	0:56:10	0:56:13
I'm sorry. Shh!	0:56:13	0:56:14
Don't you shh me.	0:56:14	0:56:15
18 years of total silence,	0:56:15	0:56:17
and you shh me.	0:56:17	0:56:19
I've kept my vow for 18 years.	0:56:19	0:56:22
Not a single articulate sound has passed my lips.	0:56:22	0:56:25
Could you be quiet for another five minutes?	0:56:25	0:56:28
It doesn't matter now.	0:56:28	0:56:29
I might as well enjoy myself.	0:56:29	0:56:31
The times I've wanted to shout and sing	0:56:31	0:56:34
and scream my name out.	0:56:33	0:56:35
Oh, I'm alive!	0:56:35	0:56:37
Shh!	0:56:37	0:56:38
# Hava nagilah	0:56:38	0:56:40
# Hava nagilah	0:56:40	0:56:41
# Hava nag... #	0:56:41	0:56:43
I'm alive! I'm alive!	0:56:44	0:56:46
Hello, birds. Hello, trees.	0:56:46	0:56:47
I'm alive!	0:56:47	0:56:50
I'm alive!	0:56:50	0:56:51
# Hava nagilah	0:56:51	0:56:53
# Hava na re nen... #	0:56:53	0:56:54
Master!	0:56:56	0:56:57
Master!	0:56:57	0:56:59
The master!	0:56:59	0:57:00
He is here.	0:57:00	0:57:02
His shoe!	0:57:02	0:57:03
Speak! Speak to us, master! Speak to us!	0:57:07	0:57:10
Go away!	0:57:10	0:57:12
A blessing!	0:57:12	0:57:13
A blessing!	0:57:13	0:57:15
How shall we go away, master?	0:57:15	0:57:17
Oh, just go away. Leave me alone.	0:57:17	0:57:19
Give us a sign.	0:57:19	0:57:21
He HAS given us a sign.	0:57:21	0:57:23
He's brought us to this place.	0:57:23	0:57:25
I didn't bring you here. You followed me.	0:57:25	0:57:28
It's still a good sign by any standard.	0:57:28	0:57:30
Your people have walked many miles to be with you.	0:57:30	0:57:34
They're weary and haven't eaten.	0:57:34	0:57:35
It's not my fault they haven't eaten.	0:57:35	0:57:38
There's no food in this high mountain.	0:57:38	0:57:40
What about those juniper bushes there?	0:57:40	0:57:42
Ah! A miracle!	0:57:43	0:57:45
A miracle!	0:57:45	0:57:47
He has made the bush fruitful by his word.	0:57:47	0:57:50
They've brought forth juniper berries.	0:57:50	0:57:52
Of course they have. They're juniper bushes!	0:57:52	0:57:55
What do you expect?	0:57:55	0:57:57
Show us another miracle.	0:57:57	0:57:59
Do not tempt him, shallow ones.	0:57:59	0:58:01
Is not the miracle of the juniper bushes enough?	0:58:01	0:58:05
I say, those are my juniper bushes.	0:58:05	0:58:07
They're a gift from God.	0:58:07	0:58:09
They're all I've bloody got to eat.	0:58:09	0:58:11
I say, get off those bushes! Go on!	0:58:11	0:58:14
Lord, I am affected by a bald patch.	0:58:15	0:58:20
I am healed!	0:58:20	0:58:21
The master has healed me!	0:58:21	0:58:23
I didn't touch him!	0:58:23	0:58:24
I was blind, and now I can see.	0:58:24	0:58:27
A miracle!	0:58:26	0:58:28
A miracle!	0:58:28	0:58:29
A miracle!	0:58:29	0:58:31
Tell them to stop it.	0:58:32	0:58:34
I've been silent for 18 years till he came along.	0:58:34	0:58:37
A miracle!	0:58:37	0:58:39
He is the Messiah!	0:58:39	0:58:41
He hurt my foot.	0:58:41	0:58:43
Hurt mine! Hurt mine!	0:58:42	0:58:46
Hail Messiah!	0:58:46	0:58:47
I'm not the Messiah.	0:58:47	0:58:49
I say you are, and I should know.	0:58:49	0:58:52
I've followed a few.	0:58:52	0:58:53
Hail Messiah!	0:58:53	0:58:55
I'm not the Messiah! Would you please listen?	0:58:55	0:58:57
I'm not the Messiah.	0:58:57	0:58:59
Do you understand? Honestly!	0:58:59	0:59:01
Only the true Messiah denies His divinity.	0:59:01	0:59:05
What?	0:59:05	0:59:06
What sort of chance does that give me?	0:59:06	0:59:09
All right. I AM the Messiah.	0:59:09	0:59:11
He is!	0:59:11	0:59:12
He is!	0:59:12	0:59:13
The Messiah!	0:59:13	0:59:14
Now fuck off!	0:59:14	0:59:17
How shall we fuck off, O Lord?	0:59:24	0:59:26
Just go away. Leave me alone.	0:59:26	0:59:28
You told them to eat my juniper berries.	0:59:28	0:59:31
You break my foot,	0:59:31	0:59:32
you break my vow of silence,	0:59:32	0:59:34
then you clean out my juniper bushes!	0:59:34	0:59:37
Lay off!	0:59:37	0:59:38
This is the Messiah, the chosen one!	0:59:37	0:59:40
No, he's not.	0:59:40	0:59:42
An unbeliever!	0:59:42	0:59:43
An unbeliever!	0:59:43	0:59:45
Persecute! Kill the heretic!	0:59:45	0:59:47
Leave him alone! Leave him alone!	0:59:51	0:59:55
Leave him alone.	0:59:56	0:59:58
Put him down.	0:59:58	0:59:59
Please!	0:59:59	1:00:01
Brian?	1:00:04	1:00:05
Judith?	1:00:05	1:00:07
Cock-a-doodle-doo!	1:00:12	1:00:13
Lord is with us! The chosen one has woken!	1:00:52	1:00:57
Brian!	1:00:59	1:01:00
Mother!	1:01:01	1:01:03
Brian!	1:01:03	1:01:04
Hang on, mother.	1:01:04	1:01:06
Shh.	1:01:05	1:01:07
Hello, mother.	1:01:09	1:01:10
Don't you "hello mother" me.	1:01:10	1:01:12
What are all those people doing out there?	1:01:12	1:01:14
Well...	1:01:14	1:01:15
What have you been up to, my lad?	1:01:15	1:01:18
They must have popped by for something.	1:01:18	1:01:20
Popped by?	1:01:20	1:01:21
Swarmed by, more like.	1:01:21	1:01:22
There's a multitude out there.	1:01:22	1:01:24
They started following me yesterday.	1:01:24	1:01:26
Well, they can stop following you right now.	1:01:26	1:01:30
Now stop following my son.	1:01:31	1:01:33
You ought to be ashamed of yourselves.	1:01:33	1:01:36
The Messiah! The Messiah!	1:01:36	1:01:37
The Messiah! The Messiah!	1:01:37	1:01:38
Show us the Messiah!	1:01:38	1:01:40
The who?	1:01:40	1:01:41
The Messiah! The Messiah!	1:01:41	1:01:43
There's no Messiah in here.	1:01:43	1:01:45
There's a mess, all right, but no Messiah.	1:01:45	1:01:47
Now go away!	1:01:47	1:01:49
Brian! Brian! Brian!	1:01:49	1:01:50
Right, my lad, what have you been up to?	1:01:50	1:01:53
Nothing, mum.	1:01:53	1:01:54
Out with it!	1:01:54	1:01:55
They think I'm the Messiah.	1:01:55	1:01:57
What have you been telling them?	1:01:57	1:01:59
You're only making it worse for yourself.	1:01:59	1:02:02
I can explain.	1:02:02	1:02:03
Let me explain, Mrs Cohen.	1:02:03	1:02:05
Your son is a born leader.	1:02:05	1:02:08
Those people follow him because they believe in him.	1:02:07	1:02:10
They believe he can give them hope,	1:02:10	1:02:13
hope of a new life, a new world,	1:02:13	1:02:15
a better future!	1:02:15	1:02:17
Who's that?	1:02:19	1:02:20
Oh! That's...	1:02:20	1:02:21
Judith, mum.	1:02:21	1:02:22
Judith...mother.	1:02:22	1:02:24
Aah!	1:02:25	1:02:26
Ooh...	1:02:27	1:02:29
< Messiah!	1:02:29	1:02:30
< Messiah!	1:02:30	1:02:32
Messiah!	1:02:32	1:02:33
Messiah!	1:02:33	1:02:34
Now, you listen here.	1:02:34	1:02:35
He's not the Messiah.	1:02:35	1:02:37
He's a very naughty boy.	1:02:37	1:02:39
Now go away.	1:02:39	1:02:41
Who are you? Who are you?	1:02:41	1:02:42
I'm his mother, that's who.	1:02:42	1:02:45
Behold, his mother!	1:02:45	1:02:47
Behold, his mother!	1:02:47	1:02:49
Hail to thee, mother of Brian!	1:02:49	1:02:52
Blessed art thou!	1:02:52	1:02:54
Hosanna!	1:02:54	1:02:56
All praise to thee, now and always.	1:02:56	1:03:00
Don't think you can get around me like that.	1:03:00	1:03:04
He's not coming out,	1:03:04	1:03:05
and that's my final word.	1:03:05	1:03:07
Now shove off!	1:03:08	1:03:09
No!	1:03:09	1:03:11
Did you hear what I said?	1:03:11	1:03:14
Yes!	1:03:14	1:03:15
Oh. I see.	1:03:15	1:03:17
It's like that, is it?	1:03:17	1:03:18
Yes!	1:03:18	1:03:19
Oh, all right, then.	1:03:19	1:03:21
You can see him for one minute,	1:03:21	1:03:23
but not one second more.	1:03:23	1:03:25
You understand?	1:03:25	1:03:26
Yes.	1:03:26	1:03:28
Promise?	1:03:27	1:03:28
Well, all right.	1:03:28	1:03:32
All right. Here he is then.	1:03:32	1:03:34
Come on, Brian. Talk to them.	1:03:34	1:03:36
Leave that Welsh tart alone.	1:03:36	1:03:38
I don't really want to.	1:03:38	1:03:41
Good morning.	1:03:47	1:03:48
A blessing! A blessing!	1:03:48	1:03:51
A blessing!	1:03:51	1:03:52
Please, please, please, listen.	1:03:52	1:03:56
I've got one or two things to say.	1:03:56	1:03:58
Tell us! Tell us both of them!	1:03:58	1:04:01
Look, you've got it all wrong.	1:04:01	1:04:03
You don't need to follow me.	1:04:03	1:04:06
You don't need to follow anybody!	1:04:06	1:04:09
You've got to think for yourselves.	1:04:09	1:04:12
You're all individuals.	1:04:12	1:04:14
Yes! We're all individuals!	1:04:14	1:04:17
You're all different.	1:04:17	1:04:20
Yes! We're all different! Yes! We're all different!	1:04:19	1:04:22
I'm not.	1:04:22	1:04:24
Shh.	1:04:24	1:04:25
You've all got to work it out for yourselves.	1:04:25	1:04:29
Yes! We've all got to work it out for ourselves!	1:04:29	1:04:33
Exactly.	1:04:33	1:04:35
Tell us more! Tell us more!	1:04:35	1:04:37
No! That's the point.	1:04:37	1:04:38
Don't let anyone tell you what to do.	1:04:38	1:04:41
Otherwise... Ow! No!	1:04:41	1:04:43
Sit down. That's enough.	1:04:43	1:04:45
Boo! That wasn't a minute! Boo! That wasn't a minute!	1:04:45	1:04:50
Oh, yes, it was.	1:04:50	1:04:52
Oh, no, it wasn't! Oh, no, it wasn't!	1:04:52	1:04:55
Now stop that,	1:04:55	1:04:56
and go away.	1:04:56	1:04:57
Excuse me.	1:04:57	1:04:58
Yes?	1:04:58	1:05:00
Are you a virgin?	1:05:00	1:05:01
I beg your pardon.	1:05:01	1:05:04
Well, if it's not a personal question,	1:05:04	1:05:07
are you a virgin?	1:05:07	1:05:08
"If it's not a personal question?"	1:05:08	1:05:11
How much more personal can you get?	1:05:11	1:05:13
Now piss off!	1:05:13	1:05:15
Must be. She is.	1:05:17	1:05:18
Yeah. Definitely.	1:05:18	1:05:20
Morning, Saviour.	1:05:24	1:05:26
Lay your hands on me, quick!	1:05:34	1:05:37
Now, don't jostle the chosen one, please!	1:05:37	1:05:40
Don't push that baby in the Saviour's face.	1:05:40	1:05:43
I say, I say,	1:05:43	1:05:45
could he just see my wife?	1:05:45	1:05:48
You'll have to wait, I'm afraid.	1:05:48	1:05:50
Very bad, we've got a luncheon appointment.	1:05:50	1:05:52
The lepers are queueing.	1:05:52	1:05:54
My brother-in-law is the ex-mayor of Gath!	1:05:54	1:05:57
Brian, can I introduce the gentleman	1:05:57	1:05:59
who's letting us have the mounts on Sunday?	1:05:59	1:06:02
Don't push!	1:06:02	1:06:03
Keep the noise down, please!	1:06:04	1:06:06
Those possessed by devils,	1:06:06	1:06:07
try and keep them under control, can you?	1:06:07	1:06:11
< Incurables, you'll just have to wait.	1:06:11	1:06:14
Women taken in sin,	1:06:14	1:06:15
line up against that wall, will you?	1:06:15	1:06:18
Brian?	1:06:19	1:06:20
Brian, you were fantastic!	1:06:20	1:06:23
You weren't so bad yourself.	1:06:23	1:06:25
No - what you said just now.	1:06:25	1:06:27
Quite extraordinary.	1:06:27	1:06:28
What? Was it?	1:06:28	1:06:29
We don't need any leaders.	1:06:29	1:06:31
Reg has been dominating us for too long.	1:06:31	1:06:34
Well, yes.	1:06:34	1:06:35
It needed saying,	1:06:35	1:06:36
and you said it, Brian.	1:06:36	1:06:37
You're very attractive.	1:06:37	1:06:39
It's OUR revolution.	1:06:39	1:06:40
We can all do it together.	1:06:40	1:06:42
I think...	1:06:42	1:06:43
We're all behind you, Brian.	1:06:43	1:06:44
The revolution is in your hands.	1:06:44	1:06:47
What?	1:06:46	1:06:47
No. That's not what I meant at all!	1:06:47	1:06:50
You're fucking nicked, me old beauty.	1:06:50	1:06:53
Right.	1:06:53	1:06:54
Stop it.	1:07:01	1:07:02
Bwian, you've given us a good wun for our money.	1:07:04	1:07:08
A what?	1:07:08	1:07:09
This time, I guawantee you'll not escape.	1:07:09	1:07:14
Guard,	1:07:14	1:07:16
do we have any cwucifixions today?	1:07:16	1:07:19
139, sir.	1:07:19	1:07:20
Special celebration - Passover, sir.	1:07:20	1:07:22
Wight. Now we have 140.	1:07:22	1:07:25
Nice wound number, eh, Biggus?	1:07:24	1:07:26
Hail Caesar.	1:07:29	1:07:30
Hail.	1:07:30	1:07:31
The crowd's getting a bit restless, sir.	1:07:31	1:07:33
Permission to disperse, please.	1:07:33	1:07:35
Disperse them?	1:07:35	1:07:36
But I haven't addwessed them yet.	1:07:36	1:07:38
Uh, I know, sir, but...	1:07:38	1:07:40
My addwess is a high point of Passover.	1:07:40	1:07:43
Biggus Dickus has come from Wome just to hear it.	1:07:43	1:07:45
Hail caesar.	1:07:45	1:07:46
Hail thaesar!	1:07:46	1:07:48
You're not...	1:07:48	1:07:49
Uh, you're not thinking of giving it a miss, sir?	1:07:51	1:07:54
Give it a miss?	1:07:54	1:07:56
They're just in a rather funny mood today, sir.	1:07:56	1:08:00
Weally, centuwion,	1:08:00	1:08:01
I'm surpwised a man like you	1:08:01	1:08:03
wattled by a wabble of wowdy webels.	1:08:03	1:08:05
A bit thundery, sir.	1:08:05	1:08:07
Lead him away.	1:08:07	1:08:08
I'm a Roman. I can prove it.	1:08:08	1:08:11
And cwucify him well.	1:08:11	1:08:14
Biggus.	1:08:14	1:08:15
I really wouldn't, sir.	1:08:17	1:08:18
Out of the way, centuwion.	1:08:18	1:08:19
Let me join you.	1:08:19	1:08:21
I may be of athithtance if there ith a thudden crithith.	1:08:21	1:08:24
Now, regarding attainment of world supremacy	1:08:26	1:08:28
within the next five years...	1:08:28	1:08:30
Francis, you've been working on this?	1:08:30	1:08:32
Thank you, Reg.	1:08:32	1:08:33
Siblings, I think five years is optimistic	1:08:33	1:08:36
unless we can smash the Roman Empire	1:08:36	1:08:38
within the next 12 months.	1:08:38	1:08:40
12 months.	1:08:40	1:08:41
And let's face it -	1:08:41	1:08:42
as empires go, this is the big one.	1:08:42	1:08:45
We got to get off our arses and stop talking about it.	1:08:45	1:08:49
Hear, hear.	1:08:49	1:08:50
I agree. It's action that counts,	1:08:50	1:08:52
and we need action now.	1:08:52	1:08:53
Hear, hear.	1:08:53	1:08:54
Right. We sit around all day, talking,	1:08:54	1:08:57
passing resolutions, making clever speeches,	1:08:57	1:08:59
it's not affecting one Roman soldier!	1:08:58	1:09:01
So let's stop gabbing on about.	1:09:01	1:09:04
It's completely pointless,	1:09:04	1:09:05
and it's getting us nowhere.	1:09:05	1:09:07
Agree. This is a complete waste of time.	1:09:07	1:09:09
They've arrested Brian!	1:09:10	1:09:12
What? What?	1:09:12	1:09:13
They've dragged him off.	1:09:13	1:09:14
They're going to crucify him!	1:09:14	1:09:16
Right. This calls for immediate discussion.	1:09:16	1:09:19
What?	1:09:19	1:09:20
Immediate.	1:09:20	1:09:21
New motion?	1:09:21	1:09:22
Completely new motion that, uh...	1:09:22	1:09:24
..that there be immediate action...	1:09:24	1:09:27
Once the vote's been taken...	1:09:27	1:09:28
Obviously once the vote's been taken. You can't...	1:09:28	1:09:31
Reg, they're doing it now! Please!	1:09:31	1:09:33
Right. In light of fresh information	1:09:33	1:09:36
from, uh, sibling Judith...	1:09:36	1:09:37
Not so fast, Reg.	1:09:37	1:09:39
Reg! For God's sake!	1:09:39	1:09:40
It's perfectly simple.	1:09:40	1:09:42
All you've got to do is go out that door now	1:09:42	1:09:45
and stop the Romans nailing him up!	1:09:45	1:09:48
It's happening, Reg!	1:09:48	1:09:49
Something's actually happening, Reg!	1:09:49	1:09:52
Can't you understand?	1:09:52	1:09:54
Ohh!	1:09:54	1:09:56
Yep. Hello.	1:09:59	1:10:00
A little ego trip from the feminists...	1:10:00	1:10:03
What?	1:10:03	1:10:04
Oh, sorry, Loretta.	1:10:04	1:10:05
Uh, read that back, would you?	1:10:05	1:10:08
Next.	1:10:20	1:10:22
Crucifixion?	1:10:22	1:10:23
Yes.	1:10:23	1:10:24
Good.	1:10:23	1:10:25
Out the door, line on the left, one cross each.	1:10:25	1:10:28
Next.	1:10:28	1:10:29
Crucifixion?	1:10:29	1:10:30
Good.	1:10:30	1:10:32
Out the door, line on the left, one cross each.	1:10:32	1:10:35
Next.	1:10:35	1:10:36
Crucifixion?	1:10:36	1:10:37
Uh, no. Freedom.	1:10:37	1:10:38
What?	1:10:38	1:10:39
Freedom for me.	1:10:39	1:10:40
They said I hadn't done anything, so I could go free.	1:10:40	1:10:46
Oh, that's jolly good.	1:10:46	1:10:47
Well, off you go.	1:10:47	1:10:48
I'm only joking. It's crucifixion really.	1:10:48	1:10:51
Oh, I see. Very good.	1:10:51	1:10:53
Well, out the door...	1:10:53	1:10:54
I know. One cross each, line on the left.	1:10:54	1:10:58
Crucifixion?	1:10:58	1:10:59
Yes.	1:10:59	1:11:00
Good.	1:11:00	1:11:01
FANFARE	1:11:01	1:11:05
People of Jewusalem...	1:11:14	1:11:17
Wome is your fwiend.	1:11:19	1:11:22
THEY LAUGH	1:11:22	1:11:24
To pwove our fwiendship,	1:11:26	1:11:28
it is customawy at this time	1:11:28	1:11:30
to welease a wongdoer from our pwison.	1:11:30	1:11:34
THEY LAUGH	1:11:34	1:11:35
GUARDS SNICKER	1:11:35	1:11:36
Whom would you have me welease?	1:11:39	1:11:43
Welease Woger!	1:11:43	1:11:44
Welease Woger!	1:11:46	1:11:47
Welease Woger!	1:11:47	1:11:48
THEY LAUGH	1:11:48	1:11:50
Vewy well.	1:11:52	1:11:53
I shall welease Woger!	1:11:53	1:11:57
Sir, we don't have a Roger, sir.	1:11:59	1:12:02
What?	1:12:02	1:12:03
We don't have anyone of that name, sir.	1:12:03	1:12:06
We have no Woger.	1:12:06	1:12:09
THEY GROAN	1:12:08	1:12:11
What about Woderick, then?	1:12:11	1:12:13
Welease Woderick!	1:12:13	1:12:15
Welease Woderick!	1:12:15	1:12:17
Centuwion,	1:12:17	1:12:19
why do they titter so?	1:12:19	1:12:22
Just some, uh... Jewish joke, sir.	1:12:22	1:12:26
Are they...	1:12:27	1:12:29
wagging me?	1:12:29	1:12:30
Oh, no, sir.	1:12:32	1:12:34
Vewy well.	1:12:35	1:12:37
I shall welease Woderick.	1:12:36	1:12:39
We don't have a Roderick either.	1:12:39	1:12:41
No Woger, no Woderick...	1:12:41	1:12:43
Sorry, sir.	1:12:43	1:12:45
Who is this Wo...	1:12:45	1:12:47
Who is this Woderick to whom you wefer?	1:12:47	1:12:49
He's a wobber!	1:12:49	1:12:51
And a wapist!	1:12:51	1:12:53
And a pickpocket!	1:12:55	1:12:57
Ah, shut up.	1:12:57	1:12:59
He sounds a notorious criminal.	1:13:00	1:13:02
We haven't got him, sir.	1:13:02	1:13:04
Is anyone in our pwisons at all?	1:13:04	1:13:07
Yes, we got a Samson, sir.	1:13:07	1:13:09
Samson the Sadducee strangler, sir.	1:13:09	1:13:11
Silas the Assyrian assassin.	1:13:11	1:13:13
Several seditious scribes from Caesarea.	1:13:13	1:13:17
Uh, 67...	1:13:17	1:13:18
Let me thpeak to them, Pontiuth.	1:13:18	1:13:21
Good idea, Biggus.	1:13:21	1:13:22
Thitithens,	1:13:22	1:13:24
we have thamthon the Thaduccee thtrangler,	1:13:24	1:13:27
thilas the Atthyrian athathin...	1:13:27	1:13:29
CROWD LAUGHS	1:13:29	1:13:30
Theveral theditious thcribes from Thaetharea...	1:13:30	1:13:33
Next.	1:13:33	1:13:34
Crucifixion?	1:13:35	1:13:36
Yes.	1:13:36	1:13:37
Good.	1:13:37	1:13:39
Out the door, line on the left, one cross each.	1:13:39	1:13:42
Excuse me. There's been a mistake.	1:13:42	1:13:43
Just a moment.	1:13:43	1:13:45
Jailer, how many have come through?	1:13:45	1:13:47
What?	1:13:47	1:13:49
Uh, how many have come through?	1:13:49	1:13:52
What?	1:13:52	1:13:53
Uh, y-y-you'll have to sp-	1:13:53	1:13:56
sp-sp-sp-speak up a bit. He's-he's-	1:13:56	1:14:01
he's d- he's d-	1:14:01	1:14:03
he's d-deaf as a p-p-post, sir.	1:14:03	1:14:06
Uh, how many have come through?	1:14:06	1:14:10
Oh, dear.	1:14:13	1:14:14
I make it ninety-f-, ninety-f-	1:14:14	1:14:18
ninety-f-	1:14:18	1:14:21
Ninety-six, sir.	1:14:21	1:14:22
Such a waste of human life, isn't it?	1:14:23	1:14:25
N-n-n-no, sir.	1:14:25	1:14:27
N-not with these b-	1:14:27	1:14:30
b-bastards, sir.	1:14:30	1:14:34
C-cr-c-	1:14:34	1:14:37
c-crucifixion's too good for them, sir.	1:14:37	1:14:39
I don't know about that.	1:14:39	1:14:41
It's very nasty.	1:14:41	1:14:42
It's not n-n-n-n-	1:14:42	1:14:46
n-n-not as n-nasty as something I just thought up, sir.	1:14:46	1:14:50
Now, crucifixion?	1:14:50	1:14:51
Is there someone I can speak to?	1:14:51	1:14:54
I know where to get it if you want it.	1:14:54	1:14:57
What?	1:14:57	1:14:58
Don't-don't worry about him.	1:14:58	1:15:00
He's d- he's d-	1:15:00	1:15:02
he's d-d-d- he's deaf and m-m-mad, sir.	1:15:01	1:15:05
Well, how did he get the job?	1:15:05	1:15:08
Bloody Pilate's pet, sir.	1:15:08	1:15:10
Hurry up. >	1:15:09	1:15:11
There's people waiting to be crucified out here.	1:15:11	1:15:14
Could I see a lawyer?	1:15:14	1:15:16
Do you have a lawyer?	1:15:16	1:15:18
No, but I'm Roman.	1:15:18	1:15:19
Retrial. We got plenty of time.	1:15:19	1:15:21
Shut up, you!	1:15:21	1:15:22
Bloody Romans. No sense of humour.	1:15:22	1:15:26
Sorry. Bit of a hurry.	1:15:26	1:15:28
Line on the left,	1:15:28	1:15:29
one cross each.	1:15:29	1:15:30
Now...	1:15:30	1:15:31
THEY LAUGH RIOTOUSLY	1:15:31	1:15:33
Was it thomething I thaid?	1:15:40	1:15:43
Silence!	1:15:43	1:15:45
This man commands a cwack legion.	1:15:48	1:15:51
He wanks as high as any in Wome.	1:15:56	1:15:58
Ahem.	1:16:02	1:16:03
Crucifixion party.	1:16:03	1:16:05
Morning.	1:16:06	1:16:08
Now, we will be on show as we go through town.	1:16:07	1:16:11
Don't let the side down.	1:16:11	1:16:13
Give it a good straight line	1:16:13	1:16:15
and a good steady pace.	1:16:15	1:16:17
Crosses over your left shoulders.	1:16:17	1:16:19
If you keep your backs hard against the cross,	1:16:19	1:16:22
you'll be there in no time.	1:16:22	1:16:25
All right, centurion.	1:16:25	1:16:26
Crucifixion party...	1:16:26	1:16:28
Wait for it.	1:16:28	1:16:30
Crucifixion party,	1:16:30	1:16:33
by the left,	1:16:33	1:16:35
forward!	1:16:34	1:16:36
You lucky bastards!	1:16:40	1:16:43
You lucky, jammy bastards!	1:16:44	1:16:47
Oh, oh.	1:16:53	1:16:54
Oh, oh, oh.	1:16:54	1:16:56
Let me shoulder your burden, brother.	1:16:56	1:16:58
Thank you.	1:16:58	1:16:59
Hey.	1:17:01	1:17:02
Hey, what do you think you're doing?	1:17:02	1:17:05
It's not my cross.	1:17:05	1:17:06
Shut up and get on with it!	1:17:06	1:17:09
He had you there, mate, didn't he?	1:17:10	1:17:12
That will teach you a lesson.	1:17:12	1:17:15
All wight.	1:17:14	1:17:17
I will give you one more chance.	1:17:17	1:17:20
This time I want to hear no Womans,	1:17:20	1:17:23
no Weginalds,	1:17:23	1:17:26
no Wudolf the Wed-Nosed Weindeers...	1:17:26	1:17:29
No Thpenther Tracys.	1:17:29	1:17:31
Or we shall release no one.	1:17:31	1:17:33
Release Brian!	1:17:33	1:17:34
That's a good one.	1:17:34	1:17:36
Yeah.	1:17:36	1:17:37
Release Brian!	1:17:36	1:17:38
Release Brian!	1:17:38	1:17:41
Vewy well.	1:17:41	1:17:42
That's it.	1:17:42	1:17:44
We HAVE got a Brian, sir.	1:17:44	1:17:46
What?	1:17:45	1:17:46
You just sent him for crucifixion.	1:17:46	1:17:48
Wait. Wait.	1:17:48	1:17:49
We do have a Bwian.	1:17:49	1:17:51
Go and retwieve him, stwaightaway.	1:17:51	1:17:53
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.	1:17:53	1:17:54
Vewy well.	1:17:57	1:17:58
I shall	1:17:59	1:18:00
welease	1:18:00	1:18:01
Bwian!	1:18:01	1:18:02
Get a move on there.	1:18:05	1:18:07
Or what?	1:18:07	1:18:08
Or you'll be in trouble.	1:18:08	1:18:10
You mean I might have to give up	1:18:10	1:18:13
being crucified in the afternoons?	1:18:13	1:18:15
Shut up!	1:18:15	1:18:16
That would be a blow.	1:18:16	1:18:17
I wouldn't have nothing to do.	1:18:17	1:18:19
Thank you.	1:18:19	1:18:20
Are they gone?	1:18:23	1:18:24
We-we got lumps of it around the back.	1:18:26	1:18:30
What?	1:18:30	1:18:31
Oh, don't worry about him, sir.	1:18:31	1:18:33
He's ma...	1:18:33	1:18:34
He's m-m-m... He's m-ma...	1:18:34	1:18:36
He-he's m-m-m...	1:18:35	1:18:37
He's m-m-m... He's m-m-m...	1:18:37	1:18:39
He's mad, sir.	1:18:38	1:18:40
Are they gone?	1:18:40	1:18:41
Oh, daa...nnnn...	1:18:43	1:18:44
I...naa...	1:18:44	1:18:46
Nnuh...	1:18:46	1:18:47
Nnuh...	1:18:47	1:18:48
Nnuh...	1:18:48	1:18:49
Nnuh...nnuh...	1:18:49	1:18:51
Oh, come on.	1:18:51	1:18:52
Yes, sir.	1:18:52	1:18:54
Anyway, get on with the story.	1:18:54	1:18:56
I knew she never really liked him, so...	1:18:56	1:18:58
Right.	1:18:58	1:18:59
That's the motion to get on with it	1:18:59	1:19:02
passed with one abstention.	1:19:01	1:19:03
I propose we go without further ado.	1:19:03	1:19:05
Let's go.	1:19:05	1:19:06
Bloody Romans.	1:19:21	1:19:22
Watch it.	1:19:22	1:19:24
Still a few crosses left.	1:19:24	1:19:26
Up you go, big nose.	1:19:28	1:19:30
I'll get you for this, you bastard.	1:19:30	1:19:32
Oh, yeah.	1:19:32	1:19:33
Don't worry. I never forget a face.	1:19:33	1:19:35
No?	1:19:35	1:19:36
I warn you,	1:19:36	1:19:38
I'll punch you so hard you Roman git.	1:19:38	1:19:41
Shut up, you Jewish turd.	1:19:41	1:19:43
Who are you calling Jewish?	1:19:43	1:19:45
I'm not Jewish. I'm a Samaritan.	1:19:45	1:19:47
A Samaritan?	1:19:47	1:19:48
This is supposed to be a Jewish section.	1:19:47	1:19:50
It doesn't matter.	1:19:50	1:19:51
You're all going to die soon.	1:19:51	1:19:54
It certainly matters to us, Roman.	1:19:54	1:19:56
Doesn't it, darling?	1:19:56	1:19:57
Oh, rather.	1:19:57	1:19:58
Under the terms of the Roman occupancy,	1:19:58	1:20:01
we're entitled to crucifixion in a purely Jewish area.	1:20:01	1:20:03
Pharisees separate from Sadducees.	1:20:03	1:20:06
And Swedish separate from Welsh.	1:20:06	1:20:08
Yeah.	1:20:08	1:20:09
All right. All right.	1:20:09	1:20:11
We'll soon settle this.	1:20:11	1:20:13
Hands up,	1:20:13	1:20:14
all those who don't want to be crucified here.	1:20:14	1:20:17
THEY STRAIN AGAINST ROPES	1:20:17	1:20:19
Next!	1:20:19	1:20:20
Look, it's not my cross.	1:20:20	1:20:22
What?	1:20:22	1:20:23
It's not my cross.	1:20:23	1:20:25
I was holding it for someone.	1:20:25	1:20:27
Just lie down. I haven't got all day.	1:20:27	1:20:29
I hate to make a fuss...	1:20:29	1:20:31
There's 140 of you lot to get up.	1:20:31	1:20:33
Is he Jewish?	1:20:33	1:20:35
Will you be quiet?	1:20:35	1:20:36
We don't want any more Samaritans here.	1:20:36	1:20:38
Belt up!	1:20:38	1:20:39
Will you let me down if he comes back?	1:20:39	1:20:42
Yeah. Yeah. Next!	1:20:42	1:20:44
You don't have to do this.	1:20:44	1:20:46
You don't have to take orders.	1:20:46	1:20:48
I like orders.	1:20:48	1:20:49
See?	1:21:09	1:21:10
Not so bad once you're up.	1:21:10	1:21:13
You're being rescued then, are you?	1:21:13	1:21:15
It's a bit late for that, isn't it?	1:21:15	1:21:17
We got a couple of days up here.	1:21:17	1:21:20
Lots of people get rescued.	1:21:20	1:21:21
Oh?	1:21:21	1:21:22
My brother usually rescues me.	1:21:22	1:21:25
If he can keep off the tail 20 minutes.	1:21:25	1:21:28
Randy little bugger,	1:21:28	1:21:29
up and down like the Assyrian Empire.	1:21:29	1:21:32
Hello.	1:21:36	1:21:37
Your family arrived then?	1:21:37	1:21:38
Reg.	1:21:38	1:21:40
Hello, sibling Brian.	1:21:40	1:21:41
Thank God you've come, Reg.	1:21:41	1:21:43
I think I should point out first, Brian,	1:21:43	1:21:45
that we are not the rescue committee.	1:21:45	1:21:47
I've been asked to read	1:21:47	1:21:49
the following prepared statement	1:21:49	1:21:51
on behalf of the movement.	1:21:51	1:21:52
"We, the People's Front Of Judea -	1:21:52	1:21:54
"brackets, officials, end brackets -	1:21:54	1:21:56
"do hereby convey	1:21:56	1:21:57
"our sincere fraternal and sisterly greetings	1:21:57	1:21:59
"to you, Brian,	1:21:59	1:22:00
on this, the occasion of your martyrdom."	1:22:00	1:22:03
What?	1:22:03	1:22:04
"Your death will stand as a landmark	1:22:04	1:22:06
"in the continuing struggle to liberate the parentland	1:22:06	1:22:09
"from the Roman imperialist aggressors,	1:22:09	1:22:11
"excluding those concerned with drainage,	1:22:11	1:22:13
"medicine, roads, housing, education,	1:22:13	1:22:14
"viniculture,	1:22:14	1:22:15
"and any other Romans	1:22:15	1:22:17
"contributing to the welfare of Jews of both sexes	1:22:17	1:22:20
and hermaphrodites."	1:22:20	1:22:21
Signed on behalf of the PFJ, etcetera.	1:22:21	1:22:24
I'd like to add, on a personal note,	1:22:24	1:22:26
my admiration for what you are doing for us	1:22:26	1:22:29
at what must be for you a difficult time.	1:22:29	1:22:32
What are you going to d...	1:22:32	1:22:34
Goodbye, Brian.	1:22:34	1:22:35
And thanks.	1:22:35	1:22:36
Well done, Brian. Give it up, lad.	1:22:38	1:22:41
Terrific work, Brian.	1:22:41	1:22:42
Right.	1:22:48	1:22:49
And...	1:22:49	1:22:50
# For he's a jolly good fellow	1:22:50	1:22:52
# For he's a jolly good fellow	1:22:52	1:22:54
# For he's a jolly good fe-e-ll-o-ow	1:22:54	1:22:57
# And so say all of us	1:22:57	1:22:59
# And so say all of...	1:22:59	1:23:00
You bastards.	1:23:04	1:23:06
You bastards!	1:23:06	1:23:08
Where is Brian of Nazareth?	1:23:08	1:23:10
I have an order for his release. You stupid bastards!	1:23:10	1:23:14
Uh, I'm Brian of Nazareth.	1:23:14	1:23:16
What?	1:23:16	1:23:17
Yeah, I'm Brian of Nazareth.	1:23:17	1:23:18
Take him down.	1:23:18	1:23:20
I'M Brian of Nazareth!	1:23:20	1:23:21
I'm Brian.	1:23:21	1:23:22
I'm Brian!	1:23:22	1:23:24
No. No, I'm Brian.	1:23:24	1:23:26
I'm Brian.	1:23:26	1:23:27
I'm Brian. So is my wife.	1:23:27	1:23:29
I'm Brian.	1:23:29	1:23:30
I'm Brian. I'm Brian.	1:23:30	1:23:31
Take him away and release him.	1:23:31	1:23:33
No, I'm only joking. I'm not really Brian.	1:23:33	1:23:36
No, I'm not Brian.	1:23:36	1:23:38
I'm only pulling your leg.	1:23:38	1:23:40
It's a joke.	1:23:40	1:23:41
I'm not him.	1:23:41	1:23:43
I'm just having you on.	1:23:43	1:23:44
Put me back!	1:23:44	1:23:46
You bloody Romans can't take a joke!	1:23:46	1:23:48
The Judean People's Front!	1:23:57	1:23:59
The Judean People's Front!	1:24:00	1:24:02
Onward!	1:24:02	1:24:05
Run!	1:24:09	1:24:10
The Judean People's Front!	1:24:10	1:24:12
The Judean People's Front!	1:24:12	1:24:14
We are the Judean People's Front	1:24:21	1:24:24
crack suicide squad.	1:24:24	1:24:26
Suicide squad,	1:24:26	1:24:29
attack!	1:24:29	1:24:30
That showed them, huh?	1:24:38	1:24:40
You silly sods.	1:24:42	1:24:45
Brian!	1:24:45	1:24:46
Brian!	1:24:46	1:24:47
Brian!	1:24:47	1:24:49
Brian!	1:24:49	1:24:50
Judith.	1:24:50	1:24:51
Terrific. Great.	1:24:52	1:24:54
Reg has explained it to me,	1:24:54	1:24:56
and I think it's great what you're doing.	1:24:56	1:24:58
Thank you, Brian.	1:24:58	1:25:00
I'll...	1:25:00	1:25:01
I'll never forget you.	1:25:01	1:25:02
So there you are.	1:25:10	1:25:12
I might have known	1:25:12	1:25:13
it would end up like this.	1:25:13	1:25:15
Just think of all the love and affection	1:25:15	1:25:18
I've wasted on you.	1:25:18	1:25:19
If that's how you treat your poor mother	1:25:19	1:25:22
in the Autumn years of her life,	1:25:22	1:25:24
all I can say is go ahead.	1:25:24	1:25:26
Be crucified.	1:25:26	1:25:28
See if I care. I might have known.	1:25:28	1:25:30
Mum.	1:25:30	1:25:31
Mum!	1:25:32	1:25:33
I don't know what the world's coming to.	1:25:33	1:25:36
Cheer up, Brian.	1:25:42	1:25:43
You know what they say.	1:25:43	1:25:46
Some things in life are bad.	1:25:45	1:25:48
They can really make you mad.	1:25:48	1:25:51
Other things just make you swear and curse.	1:25:51	1:25:55
# When you're chewing on life's gristle	1:25:55	1:25:58
# Don't grumble	1:25:58	1:25:59
# Give a whistle	1:25:59	1:26:01
# And this'll	1:26:01	1:26:02
# Help things turn out for the best	1:26:02	1:26:05
# And	1:26:05	1:26:07
# Always look on	1:26:07	1:26:09
# The bright side of life	1:26:09	1:26:12
CHEERFUL WHISTLE	1:26:12	1:26:15
# Always look on	1:26:15	1:26:16
# The light side of life	1:26:16	1:26:19
# If life seems jolly rotten	1:26:22	1:26:24
# There's something you've forgotten	1:26:24	1:26:26
# And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing	1:26:26	1:26:30
# When you're feelin' in the dumps	1:26:30	1:26:32
# Don't be silly chumps	1:26:32	1:26:34
# Just purse your lips and whistle	1:26:34	1:26:35
# That's the thing	1:26:35	1:26:37
# And always look on	1:26:37	1:26:39
# The bright side of life #	1:26:39	1:26:42
ALL WHISTLE Come on.	1:26:42	1:26:44
# Always look on	1:26:45	1:26:47
# The right side of life	1:26:47	1:26:50
# For life is quite absurd	1:26:53	1:26:55
# And death's the final word	1:26:55	1:26:57
# You must always face the curtain	1:26:56	1:26:59
# With a bow	1:26:59	1:27:00
# Forget about your sin	1:27:00	1:27:02
# Give the audience a grin	1:27:02	1:27:04
# Enjoy it	1:27:04	1:27:05
# It's your last chance anyhow	1:27:05	1:27:08
# So always look on	1:27:08	1:27:10
# The bright side of death	1:27:10	1:27:13
# Just before you draw your terminal breath	1:27:16	1:27:21
# Life's a piece of shit	1:27:24	1:27:26
# When you look at it	1:27:26	1:27:28
# Life's a laugh, and death's a joke	1:27:27	1:27:30
# It's true	1:27:30	1:27:31
# You'll see it's all a show	1:27:31	1:27:33
# Keep 'em laughing as you go	1:27:33	1:27:35
# Just remember	1:27:35	1:27:36
# That the last laugh is on you	1:27:36	1:27:39
# And	1:27:38	1:27:39
# Always look on	1:27:39	1:27:41
# The bright side of life	1:27:41	1:27:44
# Always look on	1:27:47	1:27:49
# The right side of life #	1:27:49	1:27:52
Come on, Brian. Give up.	1:27:52	1:27:55
# Always look on	1:27:55	1:27:57
# The bright side of life	1:27:56	1:27:59
# Always look on	1:28:02	1:28:04
# The bright side of life #	1:28:04	1:28:06
Worse things happen at sea, you know.	1:28:06	1:28:09
# Always look on	1:28:10	1:28:12
# The bright side of life #	1:28:12	1:28:14
What have you got to lose?	1:28:14	1:28:16
You come from nothing. You're going back to nothing.	1:28:16	1:28:19
What have you lost? Nothing!	1:28:19	1:28:20
# ...the bright side of life #	1:28:20	1:28:22
Nothing will come from nothing.	1:28:22	1:28:24
Cheer up, you old bugger.	1:28:24	1:28:26
Come on, give us a grin.	1:28:26	1:28:28
There you are. See?	1:28:28	1:28:30
It's the end of the film.	1:28:30	1:28:31
Incidentally, this record's available in the foyer.	1:28:31	1:28:34
# ..the bright side of life #	1:28:34	1:28:37
Who do you think pays for all this rubbish?	1:28:37	1:28:41
# Always look on	1:28:40	1:28:42
# The bright side of life #	1:28:42	1:28:45
Bernie, I said,	1:28:45	1:28:46
they'll never make their money back.	1:28:46	1:28:48
# Always look on	1:28:48	1:28:50
# The bright side of life #	1:28:50	1:28:53

Monty Python's Life of Brian

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