My Fake Fiancé

WOMAN: Not another wedding.

Sure, they can be lovely, but when you're a single girl and most of your friends are married,

let's just say going to weddings can be treacherous.

I know Courtney and Steve mean well, yet I'm always at the losers' table.

OK, OK, I'll behave.

Maybe for once the guy they put me next to will be decent.

Weddings - what a joke.

A beautiful ceremony, wasn't it?

I couldn't believe they used 'thou shalt obey' in the vows. Who does that?

Actually, I was, um- I was just making a little small talk.

Great (!) they sat me next to that guy.

What do you mean 'that guy'?

Well, I notice you're not wearing a ring and you're, what, mid-30s?

Uh, late-20s. To early... (quietly) early 30s.

Let me guess - you lease a really nice car you could never buy,

you never cry in movies and you only bang hot chicks.

-Have we met?

-No.

They're perfect for each other.

So, why don't you like weddings?

It's a silly fairy-tale - marrying the man of your dreams

and living happily ever after in a gingerbread house

-nestled in a field of cotton candy.

-Yummy.

-I mean, there's no such thing as soul mates.

-So you sleep around?

Sorry, I'm not your type.

I don't have a type. What makes you think I have a type?

You ever hear the phrase "the clothes make the man"?

-Maybe.

-Well, look at you.

-What?

You were invited to a formal wedding, but you obviously couldn't afford a tuxedo,

so you decided you'd get away with a dark suit and matching tie, only you don't own a dark suit,

just a navy-blue blazer, which judging by the lapels, is about 10 years old?

Not that you couldn't afford a new one, necessarily,

but because you also chose not to get it cleaned and pressed,

I'm guessing you're one of those people that just can't be bothered.

As long as it still fits right, why get a new one? Am I right?

Wow. Um, I...

Which would also explain the jeans and the stain on your shirt. May I?

-What are you...?

-Yeah, just like I thought - a clip-on.

And I bet you're going commando cos you don't like the boys to be tied up, right?

-Want me to show you?

-Yeah, hey, show the world. Flash.

You don't know me.

Hi. Can you do me a favour? Would you mind switching seats with me? I don't think she'll attack her own.

# Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

# Just getting started, and you know it's party time.

# Come on now # DJ, play a little something...

Beer, please. Do you know the score in the game?

Thanks.

Thank you. I really appreciate it.

-You're welcome, Steve.

-Congratulations, bud.

Thanks, man.

You have service?

May I?

-How do I know you won't call a 900 number?

-I won't.

Fine.

Hey, it's Vince. Is the monkey there?

-'Yeah.'

-Oh, how did I do today?

-'Not good.'

-WHISPERS:

-Damn it. What happened?

Yeah, I know the monkey's looking for me.

-Thank you.

-So, how much do you owe?

I don't know what you're talking about.

You don't realise how transparent you are. Either you owe money or you're being stalked by a monkey.

It's not A monkey. It's THE monkey.

So how much do you owe THE monkey?

Enough.

-Congratulations.

-Thank you.

How big a haul would you say they'll take in?

Have you seen the registry? I mean, who needs a 600 towel warmer?

People say gambling's throwing your money away.

Plus, when I tried to get them something, almost all the gifts had already been bought.

You should see the pile of gifts she got at the bridal shower.

I bet if you added up over the years, I've spent 20 grand in wedding gifts.

Yeah, yeah, at least.

I guess, in theory it's like a savings account.

We're supposed to get that money back one day when we get married.

We? Like I'd ever marry a guy like you.

Really (?) I was kind of hoping we'd grow old together (!)

Besides the hernia and the back spasms, I think that went very well.

-I owe you one. Moving is the biggest drag there is.

-So you still scared?

I have no margin for error. I put all my savings into the down payment. What if I get laid off?

Am I crazy for doing this?

Look, you've been saving for six years to buy your first place.

I mean, you'll be fine. As long as you don't buy food or gas or, God forbid, turn on a light.

Ugh. Well, my whole food thing is overrated.

I'll just really miss this place. Seven years, three boyfriends, four crash diets.

Ugh. That cabbage and cayenne-pepper thing almost killed me.

I'll just take one last look around.

All right, I'll use the little boys' room.

It's great that you're moving into Courtney and Steve's building.

Yeah, I wouldn't have found the apartment otherwise.

I meant that they'll be there to help us unload on the other end.

Don't you wish? They're still on their honeymoon.

ENGINE REVS

-I'll meet you outside.

-OK.

SHE SIGHS

-Uh, Jennifer?

-All right, I'll put it back.

Can I show you something?

What happened?

There's a slight possibility that I might have left the keys in the ignition.

You are no longer my gay boyfriend.

Be the coffee maker. Be the coffee maker.

The Monkey sends his regards.

Fellas, how sweet. You decided to stop by, huh? A phone call would have sufficed.

Listen, you've got something for him.

You have to tell the monkey I need some more time.

Fellas, come on. There's got to be a choice. There's always a choice, right?

Yeah, like we can leave you in here on the floor in a crumpled mess or out there on the tracks.

I'll let you decide.

Those are the only choices?

HE COUGHS

That's a bad cough, Vince. You might want to get that checked out.

-Now, we'll be back next week. Either you have the money by then or...?

-Yes.

It'll be monkey business?

I was just going to say break some bones, but that was way more clever.

You know, you're smarter than you look.

You guys are really a cliche, you know that?

-We are not.

-Are too.

-We are not.

-HE COUGHS

-Let's get out of here.

-Congratulations.

-Excuse me?

I couldn't help but notice. You know, there's an easier way to do that.

Everything is computerised these days, so just choose what you want,

aim the gun at the barcode and pull the trigger. It's a lot of fun.

# Oh, yeah Put on the pretty shoes... #

Wow. This is fun.

# Oh, yeah fairy-tales come true

# I feel like a princess girl

# All the stuff, having fun

# In the princess world princess world... #

Here you go.

You know what they say? It pays to get married.

-ANSWERPHONE:

-'Hey, it's Courtney. Leave me a message.'

Hey, Courtney. It's Jennifer. I hope you guys are having a great time on your honeymoon.

But, listen, um, there was a guy at the wedding. I think his name was Vince.

Well, we were talking and I just have some information for him,

so no big deal, but, you know, if you could call me back with his number, that'd be great. Thanks.

Ooh, the monkey guy.

Hi, is, uh... ? Is Monkey there?

-MAN:

-'It's THE Monkey.

-What?

-'You heard me.'

The Monkey? You're the kidding, right?

No, I'm not kidding.

-Oh. Sorry.

-Who is this?

Listen, a guy named Vince called you the other day from my phone, and I really need to talk to him,

-but I don't have his number.

-'I'll give it to you.'

-Oh, that's great. Thanks.

-You're very THE kind.

-What are you, smart?

-OK, I won't do it again. I'm sorry.

I have to admit, I was a little surprised you called. I didn't think you liked me.

-I don't.

-Well, I don't like you either.

-Great. Lunch?

Did you put it on a credit card? Maybe the credit-card company insurance will pay for it.

I checked. The truck is covered, but not what was in it.

That's too bad. You know, I still don't see what all this has to do with me, though.

I was thinking about something you said at the wedding

about how the money we put into wedding gifts is like a savings account.

Well, I really need to make a withdrawal.

Really, really can't sleep another night on throw pillows. So what I was thinking was...

-I'm in.

-Well, I didn't even...

I'm in. I love it. It's perfect.

I'm in. We stage a fake wedding.

We invite everyone that we know. You register for the stuff you want to replace, I get to keep all the cash.

It's perfect. I'm in. How long do we have to stay married in order to keep the gifts?

So you think it's a good idea?

Ooh, you know what else? You could turn all the gifts into cash too.

Take the whole bundle down to the track,

double and triple our money, furnish your place like a palace.

Check, please.

Yeah, this won't work. Wedding's off.

Wow, talk about commitment issues. You're getting cold feet over our pretend wedding.

PHONE RINGS Hello?

You're kidding? Where?

That's great. I'll be right there. Have a nice life.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

What about the money? Your furniture? Our love?

Oh, be the coffee maker. Be the coffee maker.

So, you're thinking a DJ or a band?

Oh, here it is.

Invited guests have an obligation to send a gift whether they are attending or not.

Seriously? That is awesome.

So we need to invite everyone that we know.

In fact, we should invite everyone that we've ever met, especially the rich ones.

You know what? I spilled coffee once on Donald Trump.

Why don't we send a couple of invites over to Trump Tower, see what happens?

-Brilliant (!)

-Thank you.

Just so we're clear - we announce our engagement,

we send out invitations and then just before the wedding, we call it off.

I keep all the gifts for my apartment, and you keep all the cash to pay off your debt.

It's perfect. Plus, the girls love a guy who's been left at the altar,

so I will definitely be seeing some sympathy bow-chicka-wow-wow.

I just hope people will buy that I've actually lowered my standards this much.

Ha. What does it say in there about calling it off?

I need to know how long we need to keep this charade up. I really need to pay off the monkey.

Oh no. If the couple calls off their engagement prior to the wedding,

all gifts must be promptly returned.

So, wait a minute. What does that mean? That we have to actually go through with it?

Apparently so.

You and I are broke. We can't afford a wedding.

Yes, we can. We pretend we're planning a wedding,

but then as the date approaches, we get overwhelmed with the details and have to elope. It's perfect.

We get the gifts, but without the wedding.

That could work.

It will work. All we have to do is convince people that we're in love.

BOTH: Oh, God.

No, you know what? We can do this. We just have to make up a story about our whirlwind romance.

Yeah, like how I swept you off your feet with my dashing good looks.

Or something believable.

What? Like your effervescent charm?

No. Like we bonded over something we have in common.

Now, what do we have in common?

-Any ideas?

-Not a one.

Well, guess that's about it. I'm telling you this guy is a real pig.

I know. This is the first time I've ransacked a place and I left it cleaner than I found it.

What did we get, anyway?

Not much. A jar of pennies, a stack of vintage girlie magazines.

And we'll have to wait until he gets here.

-What is that?

-A dictionary. What's that thing he called us?

-What do you mean? Cliche?

-Yeah, cliche.

Cliche. Cliche.

C-l-e-e-s-h-a-y.

I can't find it.

Look, all I know is he better get here soon.

Cos if I miss Desperate Housewives, he'll be missing a finger.

Where is that boy?

DOORBELL

-'Hello?'

-Honey, I'm home.

Did you leave something here, like your pride?

-Just let me in.

-I'm in my pyjamas.

Ooh, how exciting (!)

Just let me in or I'm calling off the wedding.

No. No, no, no, no. That was not part of the deal. You cannot stay here.

-Do you remember the monkey?

-Yeah, who could forget?

Right now there are two gorillas outside my apartment waiting for me.

You want to become a widow before you ever get your shower gifts?

Have you ever heard of these things called friends? They come in really handy at times like this.

I have a lot of friends, thank you very much. I just owe them all money.

Oh, wow, you're living the dream (!)

It'll be one night. You won't even know I'm here.

Fine. One night.

What's with the gloves, Minnie Mouse?

They're moisturising gloves.

Right. It's probably a good idea at your age.

Honey, where are you going?

To see Jennifer. I told you. She called and asked for Vince's number.

It's 8am.

We have been in Fiji for two weeks. I'm sure she's dying to see him.

-This is no time to be selfish, sweetie.

-Uh, a little help?

How insensitive of me.

I completely forgot...

her housewarming gift. Thanks, honey.

DOORBELL

Jennifer?

DOORBELL

Jennifer, someone's at the door.

DOORBELL

(Jennifer?)

Je...

DOORBELL

-Hello?

-Hello.

Hello.

Vince, I can see you.

Let me in.

Hey, you're back from, um, your honeymoon, huh?

Just got back. And you're...

-..here.

-Yeah. Yeah.

So, uh, what's...? What's new?

Married.

What's new with you?

Oh, not much. I woke up yesterday and my stomach was a little upset.

Vince, you tell me about Jennifer.

-Her stomach's fine.

-Stop playing games.

I mean, it looks like you two really hit it off.

Yeah. Yeah, we did. She's great.

Great. She, you know, we realised we had... something in common.

See, I knew it! Jennifer!

-Is she here?

-No. She left.

Oh, she went to work?

Yes. Yes, she did. Work. That's where she went.

She's there working at work. At her job.

That's what she- you know. That's what she does.

That box looks awfully heavy. Can I take that from you?

Huh. You know, I would've thought that she would've moved her stuff in by now.

I know. It's a very long story, actually, one that I'm sure she'll love to tell you herself.

PHONE RINGS

Dammit. Um, I have to take this. Can you just give me one moment, please?

-Hello, Monkey?

-'Monkey here.'

Monkey? Oh, that is so sweet. Is that Jennifer? Let me talk to her.

No, no, no, no. This- this is my mom.

I call her monkey because of her... face.

It's personal. Can you just give me one moment, please?

-Yeah.

-Thank you. Thank you.

Hey, sorry. Yeah, no, I'm with someone.

I was wondering could I come over personally and talk to you about my plan?

Yes. Yes. I just got engaged.

No, no, that is the plan. I'm getting married.

You're engaged, Vince? I gotta go. I'll see you later.

No, but this plan'll work.

Excuse me. The white one goes in recycling.

Nice day for a walk.

-I thought you said walk.

-Come on, man,

you're getting married. You need the exercise.

Besides, it'll thin your face out for the pictures.

-Did wonders for me.

-You do look great.

Why, thank you, Vince.

Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

-Where are we going?

-The Monkey wants to see you.

-He didn't want to send a car?

-Monkey's gone green.

Hey, how do you spell 'cliche'?

What?

What? You got wax in your ears?

-How do you spell 'cliche'?

-C-l-i-c-h-e.

-Show me.

-Hey, this is, this is my dictionary.

-Told you.

No, it isn't. I bought it at a flea market.

"To Vince on the occasion of his high-school graduation. I am so proud of you. Love, Mom."

Coincidence.

Look, just consider it interest on the loan. Now show him.

Right here.

Cliche - a very predictable or un...

-Unoriginal.

-..unoriginal person or thing.

-You think I'm predictable?

-Yeah, I do.

What am I going to do now?

Punch me in the face.

-Wrong. I'm going to punch you in the shoulder.

-Ow!

Vince, now you'll need some ice on that.

You think I'm an idiot, don't you?

I'm just some dumb monkey that'll fall for this stupid scheme.

Look, I'll get your money, OK?

I've known you for the past, what, five years, Vince?

-Yeah.

-In all that time, I've never seen you have a steady girlfriend.

You're looser with your women than you are with your money.

This wedding is different than that. The wedding...

So excuse me if I just don't buy that you're ready for a life-long commitment,

which means you're either lying to your girl or you're lying to me.

Or maybe he's lying to both of us.

Jennifer, what...?

What are you doing here?

-I thought you were done with this, Vince.

-Done with what?

Done with gambling. You told me you'd never do it again, and here you are being held at gunpoint.

-I'm sorry. I'm Jennifer. I didn't get your name.

-I'm, uh...

It's Eugene.

BOTH: Eugene?

You can call me Monkey.

Oh, Mr Monkey. We spoke on the phone. You gave me Vince's number, remember?

-I do.

-You have a very nice phone voice.

-Thank you.

Now, how are we supposed to start a life together if I can't trust you?

-How much does he owe?

-15 grand plus interest.

So, what are we talking about? 8%? Compounding weekly, monthly?

-I'm not really sure. My accountant kind of handles all-

-It really doesn't matter.

What matters is I'm here, Vince, and I know about your debt and about your philandering past,

and I'm here to help, OK? But we have to be completely honest with each other.

No more...no more secrets.

-She's got a point, Vince.

-Hey, man, she does. Listen to her.

She's very supportive.

-OK

-That's all you've got to say?

No more secrets.

I will never lie to you again. I just wanted to give you that honeymoon in Italy.

Well, I guess our vacation will just have to turn into a stay-cation.

But, you know, Rome can't compare to our morning cuddles.

-Oh, I love to spoon, man.

-I love pillow talk.

Well, Mr Monkey, Eugene, I'll talk to you about Vince's debt right after the wedding.

I've got to get this guy out of here. He's meeting the parents tonight.

Vince, you want me to shoot you now, man?

Hey, don't make him any more nervous than he already is.

Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute.

I expect an invitation to the wedding, plus two guests.

-Actually, we were thinking about elope...

-Sure. Uh, fish or beef?

-BOTH: Beef.

-Fish for me.

I'm watching my girlish figure.

Oh, and you've got a month to get this done.

-A month?

-I'm not sure it can happen that soon.

Sometimes you have to book a year in advance just to reserve the space.

I'm sentimental, but I'm not stupid. One month. And under the circumstances,

the sweetness clause will be in effect.

-The sweetness clause?

-A technicality. Nothin' to concern-yourself with.

Now, Vince, give this lovely lady a kiss.

I mean, after all, she did save your life.

-Actually, we don't believe in public displays of affection.

-Yeah. It's tacky.

Yeah, it is. Very much against that.

Well, you'll have to kiss her in front of everyone you know. You might as well start practising.

Come on. She's your fiancee, not your cousin. Give her a kiss.

Yeah, that's what's up

That's more like it. You got yourself a good lady, Vince.

I don't know how you did it, but you did it. It'll be a shame if she was a widow before she got married.

You got one month. Not a day more.

Oh, and, Vince, good luck with the in-laws.

Tell them I said hi.

-Hey, Eugene, that was nice.

-Monkey.

-Yeah.

-Monkey.

What are you doing?

One month? Everyone'll think I'm pregnant.

I'm about to get killed by gangsters and that's what you're worried about?

Look, I take my reputation very seriously.

Trust me, the last thing anyone would call you is loose.

And what is that supposed to mean?

We have bigger fish to fry, OK? Like how we can afford the wedding.

Wait a minute, aren't the bride's parents supposed to pay?

No way. We are not asking my parents to pay for our fake wedding.

We'll just have to figure something else out. Besides, they're still freaking out that I'm engaged.

-How did they find out?

-Courtney told Lisa,

who told her mother, who told her podiatrist,

who told my Aunt Dolly, who told my mother.

What did they say?

I think her exact words were, "miracles do happen."

-CHUCKLES:

-They got you pegged.

Listen, my parents aren't the easiest people in the world to get along with,

so just try not to say anything that's going to tick them off or make them suspicious or...

let me do all the talking, OK? The less they know about you, the better.

I see. This really has nothing to do with your parents at all, does it? It has to do with me.

You don't think your parents will like me, do you?

-No, I know they won't like you. They'll think I'm crazy.

-Oh, please. I'm a catch.

Oh, please. You're like a 30-year-old man-child who has no friends,

no money in the bank and no apparent ambition. My parents will be so proud (!)

We'll see.

HORN TOOTS

Remember, no talking. You're my mute fiance.

Mom! Hey! There she is!

Oh, my goodness, I cannot believe this! Forget that. Give me a hug.

Wow! It is so good to meet you, really. I have heard so much about you, it's ridiculous.

-Oh my God, show me the ring. Show me the ring!

-Oh, the ring?

Actually, um, Mom, there is no ring.

-Oh, seriously. Come on, where's the ring?

-No, there is no ring.

Jennifer and I were talking about it,

and we decided to wait until we can afford to buy the type of ring that she deserves.

One as beautiful as her spirit, which I can tell she got from her mother.

-Enough.

-Ow. Dad!

-Hey!

-Wow, he is really spirited.

-Yeah.

Sweetie, is that the dress I gave you?

-Yeah, actually, it is.

-Oh, how strange.

You know, it just looks so different on the hanger.

It just goes to show you should always try things on, huh?

That's Jennifer's sister Bonnie's wedding, and that's her husband, Will.

And these - these are our grandbabies. There's Jonathan and Samantha.

They're so adorable I just want to grab those pictures and eat 'em.

-Oh, yeah.

-Perhaps we'll have some more grandkids soon.

-Hmm.

-Honey, should you be drinking?

-Mom, I told you I'm not pregnant.

It's crazy. I never knew that Jennifer had a sister.

BOTH: Oh.

Wait till you meet her. You'll love her. Everybody does.

She was voted most popular at Slosson County High School.

I have that yearbook here somewhere.

Hon, I'm sure Vince would rather see pictures of Jennifer from high school.

-Oh, we put those in the attic.

-Oh, that's right.

Here's one of my graduation day from Harvard.

Right. That was a proud day for all of us. Oh, well.

-Come on, son. Let's eat. You hungry?

-Uh, yeah.

-Got to be a long ride over here.

-Yeah, it is was.

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER

Thank you so much for having me.

Your home is absolutely gorgeous. I don't think I've ever seen a home so beautiful.

-Aw. That's so sweet.

-Did you pay somebody to decorate it?

-No, no.

-I know you paid somebody. This place looks like a magazine.

-A great dinner.

Amazing. You're one hell of a cook.

So, Vince, what do you do for a living?

That is a good question, Dad. What do you do for a living, Vince?

-You don't know?

-Well, I, yeah, I just love to hear him explain it.

I'm in investment management.

I analyse risk and reward and weigh them against each other to maximise gain.

Well, I have a little investment money set aside. Maybe you've got some inside advice for me, Vinnie?

-I've got a lot of ideas. How much have you got?

-Vince, what are you doing?

-Just trying to help out dad.

-What about your family?

We should have them over for dinner.

Better yet, why not have us all over to your new place? Oh, we're dying to see it.

-I don't have a family.

-Um, I'm so sorry.

-I grew up in a foster home.

-Oh, Vince. Why didn't you tell us?

Vince doesn't really like to talk about it.

Oh, it's OK, sweetheart. We're with family now. There were four other children that lived there too.

There was, um, Joe, Natalie, Blair and, of course, sweet little Tootie.

We were guided through the trials of adolescence

by the tender hand of Mrs Garrett. Well, we always call her Mrs G.

Now, well, you know, Mrs G always taught us to take the good...

..and then take the bad...

and then take them both.

There you have it.

-Wow, it's almost like a song.

-Yeah?

-It sounds like a wise woman.

-I can't wait to meet her. Does she live in the area?

-Who?

-Oh, my mother. Yes.

-Yeah.

She does. Right outside the city. In the complete opposite direction.

-Find out when it would be convenient for her.

-Mom, I haven't met her yet myself.

Who gets married without meeting the parents?

LAUGHTER

I guess we do.

Oh, listen, when, uh- when you meet Mrs G, you know, don't mention the whole foster home thing.

She gets extremely sensitive about it cos she always likes to think of me as her real son.

-Oh, that is so lovely.

-Our lips are sealed.

-Thanks.

-Sweetie, would you help me with the dessert?

-Ooh.

Sure, Mom.

See you in a minute, honey. Whoo!

FATHER CLEARS THROAT

I'll tell you, Dad, it's really great to get a sense of where Jennifer comes from.

Yeah. Is she pregnant? Tell me the truth.

-No, she isn't.

-Damn.

Why does that girl not hear her clock ticking?

Everybody else does. Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock.

Yeah, it's more like , "Bong! Bong! Bong!"

You got that right. High five.

Vince, you seem like a really decent guy,

and I've got to say, I haven't seen Jennifer this happy in a long time.

Really? She seems happy to you?

-Yeah, it's the happiest I've seen her in years.

-Wow.

-Hon, can you come in the kitchen?

-The potholder is in the bottom drawer.

Memory is the first thing to go, after the sex, of course.

-I can't find 'em.

-OK.

-Now, you two lovebirds try and keep your hands off each other.

-OK, Dad.

Ow. Why do you keep doing that?

Thanks to you, we have to have our parents over to my completely empty apartment for a meet-and-greet.

What happens when your mom shows up with your dad?

You're not going to have to worry about it, because my dad left my mom when I was a kid.

What? Let me guess, One Day At A Time?

Your sister was Valerie Bertinelli?

No, seriously, my dad left me when I was a kid.

He tried to get back in my life when I was a teenager,

but it didn't really go over so well, so, um, you know, we haven't really seen each other since.

Jennifer, we are paying for your wedding.

-Oh, no, no, no. I said we'd take care...

-Honey, let your mother speak.

-No, no, no. It's out of the question.

-Sweetie, be reasonable.

It's a mother's right to get to do this for her daughter. You cannot deny me this joy.

-No, I'm sorry, we can't accept your money.

-We can't? I think we can.

In fact, I think we should. How can we deny your mother and your father the joy?

-Oh.

-Fine.

-Now, there's just one catch.

-We spent your wedding funds.

-What?

-We landscaped the backyard. Doesn't it look great?

-Whoa, you spent my wedding fund?

-We thought we had more time.

-Don't you worry.

We'll just move some money around so we can throw you the wedding of your dreams.

-It'll be our gift to you.

-Mm-hm.

-Sounds great.

That's great. All right.

-I can't do this.

-This is too heavy?

No, I'm talking about my parents. I can't let them pay for our wedding.

You're giving them joy. Why would you want to hurt their feelings?

Please. They've been hurting my feelings for years. It's payback.

I'm sorry. I can't let them pay for our fake wedding.

-Did they pay for Bonnie's wedding?

-Of course.

-Was it nice?

It was OK if you're into that sort of thing - custom Vera Wang dresses, horse-drawn carriages,

a flock of doves released when they kissed.

My mom still cries when she talks about it.

See? They just want to share that same number with you.

You're good.

I'm just saying let them pay for the wedding.

Then when and if you meet Mr Right - it's a big if - you can elope.

Look, we are going to pay them back.

It's why we're having the wedding. We have no money,

I have a monkey on my back, and you have an empty apartment.

We're going to pay them back if it takes 10 years, OK? 50/50, remember? Giving gives you joy.

I didn't sign up for ten years.

Well, if you don't like the terms, go find another fake fiancee.

-Fine. We'll pay them back.

-Swear on it.

I swear.

Oh, my God.

-Ooh, it's time for Sports Centre.

-I'm so looking forward to our divorce.

KNOCK ON DOOR Yeah?

-Hey.

-What are you doing up?

I couldn't sleep, so I made myself a little snack. Thought my business partner might like some.

-Is that tiramisu?

-Yeah. My mom's an amazing cook.

Taught me everything I know.

Well, night.

Thanks.

-'Fox puts it up on the left-hand side of the back board.'

-Yes!

Jen, I can't get over your new place.

I love what you've done with it.

-Thanks, Dad. I was going for the sweaty-locker-room feel.

-You nailed it.

Don't worry. We'll go register at Not Just Sofas. All of this will go.

-So, what are you ladies talking about over here?

-Just making plans.

-Oh. Wow. What is that number right there?

-Uh, that is the price per head.

Is that the price for a real human head?

Because if not, it's way too expensive.

Weddings aren't cheap, Vince. Don't worry. Al and I have got it covered.

Honey, remember our mantra - less food, more seats.

Listen to that boy. He makes good sense.

-Sweetie? We're throwing a wedding, not a tailgate party.

-We lucked out, Vince.

The country club had a cancellation for April 25th.

Can you imagine? Less than a month before the wedding? Poor soul.

Oh, well, I guess one girl's heartbreak is another girl's special day, hmm?

So, your first counselling session with Reverend Jim - it's Tuesday night.

Counselling session?

You just go in and chat with the Reverend about your relationship

and the hopes and fears you have about marriage.

Oh, a lot of touchy-feely mumbo-jumbo if you ask me.

What will we talk about?

Mom, remember I told you Vince is not very religious.

Do you think maybe Reverend Jim would make an exception?

He will not perform the ceremony unless you go through counselling.

Just say, "yes, dear". It's two of the most important words to a successful marriage.

Yes, dear.

Honey, have you thought about colours? Cos I'm thinking teal, huh?

It's one of those few colours that doesn't wash you out.

DOORBELL RINGS

There she is.

Hi, Mom.

Look at you. Give me a hug.

Oh, you're just so huggable.

I'm sorry, honey. I would've been here sooner, but I got lost.

I always get lost in a full moon. So, introduce me.

-Hi.

-Uh, everybody, this is my mother, Catherine.

Mom, these are Jennifer's parents. This is Val.

Oh, it is so good to meet you.

Oh... You smell wonderful. Like saffron.

-Thank you.

-And that is Al.

Al.

Oh.

So, can we call you Mrs G?

-Uh, actually, I don't...

-Well, you can call me whatever moves you.

And you must be Jennifer.

Oh! Oh.

I am sure that you hear this all the time,

but you have the most beautiful aura.

Actually, that's a first.

Well, it's true. It's purple and orange and swirls of magenta.

I can tell that you are a very passionate lover. Good work, son.

Oh, let me see the two of you together. Click.

Now I have an announcement to make.

I'm sure that Vince has told you a little bit about our family.

He did. I hope someday we get to meet that Tootie.

-Who?

-Mom, you and I should talk about this in private.

It's OK, honey. These people are family now.

As you know, Vince's father abandoned us

to pursue his dream of selfish isolation.

You've got to have goals.

Luckily, my son is an Aries with a Saturn rising, so he perseveres.

But a few days ago, out of the blue, his father called.

It seems that he's having regrets about some of the decisions that he made.

And when I told him about Vince's wedding, he offered to pay for half of it.

-Well, that's fantastic.

-No. We can't let him pay.

We can't? I think we can. I think we should. I mean, how can we deny him that joy?

I'm not letting him pay.

See? Now this is the perfect thing to talk about with Reverend Jim.

Who's Tootie?

CHURCH BELLS CHIME

OK, well, that wasn't so bad. Can I just say one more thing?

Sure. Express yourself.

He refuses to go see his dad.

You know, it's clear he has abandonment issues,

but I just feel that rather than avoiding them, he should confront them head-on.

It would really help with his personal growth.

She's the one who's still desperately searching for approval from her parents,

so I really wish she would leave my personal growth out of this.

Vince, don't you see why Jennifer is concerned with your relationship with your father?

Yeah, because she wants him to pay for half of the wedding.

I'm sure that Jennifer is more concerned with how you bring these feelings

into your role as father to your own children. Isn't that right, Jennifer?

No, I want his father to pay for half.

Oh, I see.

You with me?

HE MOUTHS

It doesn't take Dr Phil to see that your father is somehow the root of your gambling problem.

Gambling problem?

I do not have a gambling problem.

Oh, come on. I would say owing 15,000 to a bookie named The monkey

who's gonna have you killed unless you pay him - I would say that's a pretty big problem.

Vince, you owe 15,000 to a bookie?

Named The Monkey.

Who's gonna have him killed if he doesn't pay - I got that part. Is it true?

No. It is not true. I do not owe 15,000.

What?

It's 20,000. Ah, didn't see that one coming now, did you?

No, I didn't. You owe another 5,000?

No, not exactly. Remember what The Monkey was talking to us about at the zoo? The sweetness clause?

It's like a service charge.

For those special occasions when The Monkey shows just how sweet of a guy he can be.

Jennifer, tell Vince how this makes you feel.

I feel like I cannot wait for this to be over so I never have to see you again.

Don't expect a Christmas card from me either, sweetie.

I'm not even sure you know how to write.

OK. I think we're done here.

Yeah.

Hold on. I'm confused. Are we calling the wedding off?

BOTH: No way.

Oh, good. You're home.

Mom, those keys are for emergencies only.

This is an emergency.

The wedding is off.

BOTH: What?

Your father played golf this morning with Reverend Jim.

He told me about your little gambling problem.

I don't have a gambling problem.

I'm sorry, son. I'm not letting my daughter marry an addicted gambler.

I thought it was supposed to be confidential.

Oh, Reverend Jim is a terrible gossip. Thank God we're not catholic.

That man could never handle confessions.

Vince, we feel for your predicament. We think you're a good guy,

but we've got to look out for Jennifer. She hasn't always made the best choices when it comes to men.

Excuse me?

Remember Bobby Sherwood, the gum-in-hair incident?

Uh, that was junior high.

Just saying it's a pattern.

I'm sorry. We can't support this wedding.

I see.

Mom, Dad, I'm ashamed of you. Marriage isn't only for the good times.

Mom, did you leave Dad when he had that awful toenail fungus?

No.

Dad, did you leave mom when she gave herself that bad home perm and was bald for a year?

No.

And I'm not leaving Vince in his time of need, either.

Thanks.

Besides, the catering deposit is non-refundable.

It is?

Won't get a dime back.

Can they do that?

BOTH: Yes.

And on top of all that,

Vince has agreed to go to Gamblers Anonymous.

Oh!

What?

You can beat this, son.

EMOTIONALLY: I am so proud of you.

Hi, I'm, uh, Vince, and, uh, I'm a gambler.

ALL: Hi, Vince.

Still me?

Well, um, what can I say? Um...

You got to know when to hold 'em.

Know...when to fold 'em.

Thank you.

APPLAUSE

That felt good.

Crazy, huh?

Yeah. You've known this guy, what, a month? You sure you're not preggo?

I mean, I'm sure we can find something with an empire waist.

No, I'm not preggo.

When am I going to meet this Vince? Wait a minute, why haven't I met Vince? Has the family met him?

Everyone but Bonnie. Courtney, what do you think of this one?

Sorry, what?

What do you think?

This one's my favourite.

BOTH LAUGH

Hi, my name is Ben, and I'm a gambling addict.

ALL: Hi, Ben.

What's up?

Horses were my thing. I spent more time at the track than I did with my family.

Ugh, I hear you.

And at my lowest point, I was over 300,000 in debt.

Thanks to these meetings, I've been able to control my addictions,

and I haven't placed a bet in over five years.

APPLAUSE

Way to go.

In fact, I just took my company public.

Who would've ever thought I would be a multimillionaire? I mean, thanks.

Very good.

Ben shows us what is possible when we work the programme.

I had a feeling you two would hit it off.

Really? Why?

Because I know you, and I know how important loyalty is to you.

And Steve told me that out of all his friends,

Vince is the one guy that he could always count on 24-7.

How is he with his mother? That says a lot about how he'd be with you.

Well, he's wonderful with her.

And you said that he gets along with your parents?

Strangely, yes.

Well, then he must really love you.

Forget the parents. How is he at the horizontal hokey-pokey?

You guys.

Yeah, David, so rude.

But can we talk about his body?

Seriously, he has ab muscles I didn't know existed.

Oh, my God, you're blushing.

No, I'm not.

Yes, you are. I'm not sure I've ever even seen you blush before.

Aw.

Cute.

Ben, hey.

Hey.

Vince. Hi. I spoke a little earlier.

I remember.

Yeah. Um, listen, your story saved my life tonight, and, uh, I was just wondering...

If I'd be your sponsor? Sure. Absolutely.

Actually, if you'd come to my wedding.

But we just met.

I know. I know.

It's just that you've been such a wealth...of inspiration to me, Ben.

If you could write down your name and address, I would love to send you an invitation.

Sure. Um...

Paper.

Pen.

Sure, appreciate it.

Thank you.

That's great.

Here you go.

Thank you. Thanks.

Thank you.

See you soon.

You got it.

OK.

I'm sorry, I couldn't help but overhearing. You're not really getting married, are you?

Why do you ask?

It's just that you don't seem like the marrying type.

A lot of people keep saying that. Well, I guess I am the type, because, yes, I am getting married.

Too bad.

But not for several weeks.

I know we're not supposed to gamble any more.

That's my understanding too.

That doesn't rule out all risky behaviour, does it?

What did you have in mind?

Buy a girl a drink?

Maybe just one.

# The perfect fit

# Just how you like it

# Ooh, it's up to you

# You know it's right, yeah

# The perfect fit

# You've got it

# Mm

# It's up to you

# How it makes you feel feel inside

# Yeah, yeah

# Search high and low for just the right match

# Yeah

# Only you really know what you need to have

# Ooh

# The perfect fit. #

That bad?

You look amazing.

Where was that one when I was looking?

# The perfect fit

# Just know it's right

# Yeah, the perfect fit. #

So, she's a real spitfire, I'll tell you that. She does not make it easy.

Well, relationships never are.

There is something kind of cool about her, something that just, I don't know, sneaks up on you.

That's great. Well, this is my stop.

Be careful getting off.

That'll be up to you.

Well, Mr Gambling Man, of the marrying type, just how much risk are you willing to take?

LIFT BELL DINGS

Hey.

Hey there, Bridezilla.

What are you doing?

I made us a lasagne so that we can celebrate.

Celebrate?

Yeah, we got our first official wedding gifts today.

You are now the proud owner of a cupcake carrier and a cheque for 100 bucks.

Awesome.

Oh, hey, um, sorry about last night.

Last night?

I should've called and let you know I wasn't going to come home.

Oh, did you not come back? I didn't notice.

Oh. OK, well, good.

And we're just fake fiances, Vince, remember? It's not like we're really in love.

I got it.

At some point we're going to have to talk about our vows.

Don't we just repeat what the reverend says?

Ugh, church vows are so cold and impersonal.

Yeah, I'd hate for our fake vows at our fake wedding to not be from the heart.

All of my family are friends are gonna be there.

If the vows are gonna be fake, I'd still like for them to be impressive.

Can't you just read a poem or something?

You know what? Never mind. I'll write your vows for you. You don't have to worry about it.

What about your vows?

What do you mean?

You get to write exactly what you want me to say. What about what you're going to say to me?

I thought I'd just read a poem or something.

No, I don't think so. You know what? I'm gonna write your vows.

Fine.

Can I get a piece of paper?

Got an extra pen?

What is that?

It's a pen.

OK.

DOG BARKS IN THE DISTANCE

What do you have so far?

"Jennifer, I don't know how loving a person could be until I met you."

HE LAUGHS

What?

I just sound like such a loser.

You are a loser.

I don't think I could read that with a straight face.

Well, I don't know if you can even read, period.

You know what? Enjoy the lasagne. I've lost my appetite.

Maybe you left it where you were last night.

So now I'm supposed to check with you, my fake fiance.

No, because that would be considerate, something you know nothing about.

Well, for your information, I walked someone home last night, and then I slept at my mom's.

Why? I have no idea.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Oh, my God. OK, I'll be right there.

What happened?

My sister's in the hospital. She had a car accident.

-GIRL:

-Jennifer!

Hey, guys.

Hey.

Where are Grandma and Grandpa?

Inside with Mom and Dad.

They won't let us see Mommy.

They didn't want Samantha to get scared. I have to stay with her.

You guys are gonna be OK out here by yourselves for a little while?

Yep. I'm in charge.

OK, I'll be right back, OK?

Who's he?

Some guy.

Bonnie? I'm sorry, hon. I'm so sorry.

Look, I know our relationship has been rocky.

What can I say?

Here's what I can say.

You're my little sister, so I didn't expect you to get married first. But you did,

and I had to deal with that.

And then Jonathan and Samantha came along, and you guys were like the picture-perfect family.

And Mom and Dad wanted to spend all their time with you guys, and I just... I felt like an outsider.

And I admit I was jealous. I'm still jealous.

But if you could just pull through,

I promise I'll put all that behind me.

In fact, I was thinking you'd make a pretty good maid of honour.

All you had to do was ask.

RECORD TRACK WHIRRS DOWN

Feel better.

Mom said you were hit by a truck.

Mom!

Those weren't the exact words I used.

No, I was getting some of the kids' stuff out of the attic to give to Goodwill,

and I accidentally stepped on a TOY TRUCK near the stairs.

Thank God you're OK.

So, I guess you heard all that, huh?

Yeah.

I love you.

I love you too.

Come here. Give me a hug.

BOTH SNIFF

Hope you guys aren't the type of kids who are used to the adults letting you win all the time.

It's not gonna be that way tonight. Oh, no, tonight this game is on. It's on like a night light.

Let's go.

ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

# We're gonna rock it not gonna stop it

# Yeah, yeah. #

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

# Go, go. #

Get rid of this guy! Whoo-hoo-hoo! Whoo!

Parade around your leader!

LAUGHTER

# Yeah, yeah

# Go, go, go

# Yeah, yeah. #

He's angry. He's angry.

# Go, go. #

He's turning into a monster.

OK. Now visiting hours are over. Your dad's gonna stay here tonight,

so you kids get to come home with us.

Come on.

Unless you guys want to come back to our place with us tonight.

BOTH: Yeah!

Whoo! That's what I thought!

HE MOUTHS

OK, good job. Good game.

So, uh, I guess I'll just sleep in here tonight.

Hey, Vince, how's your stamina?

Never had any complaints.

And how's your lung capacity?

Fantastic.

Great. Then you'll have no problem blowing up the bed.

Good night.

MONKEYS CHATTER

SEGWAYS WHIR

What's up, boss?

What have you got for me?

From the pizza man.

Bam.

Not bad.

Oh!

What is this?

He only came up with half the cash.

So we took half his finger.

What else?

We paid Vince a visit like you asked.

And?

They went with the hydrangeas for the centrepieces.

And wisteria for the bouquet.

Nosegay or cascade?

I forgot to ask.

Well, go and find out.

Pay attention to detail, Truck.

-MOCKING:

-Pay attention to detail, Truck.

GAME WHIRS

Come on. You take this one. I've got to tell you something, kid. You're pretty good at this thing.

I know.

Hey, no more video games. It's time for bed.

Oh, come on. Just one more game, Aunt Jen?

Yeah, I'm really behind here.

I said yes one game ago. Now get in that bed- well, chair, little man.

All right. Let's do it.

Get in there.

All right, night, buddy.

Aren't you going to tuck me in?

You... Yeah. Uh, sure.

Why not? Um, but be warned, this will be my first official tucking, all right?

There you go. Night-night.

Uncle Vince?

Yeah?

Are we going home soon?

Oh, you didn't hear? Your mother called earlier,

and she said that you guys get to stay with us forever.

No! I want to go home!

Hey! Calm down. Inside voice.

What? What happened?

Um, I think I broke him.

Jonathan, tell Aunt Jen what's wrong?

Uncle Vince said Mommy left us here forever.

It was a joke.

Uncle Vince was just trying to be funny.

But he's not funny.

Yeah, tell me about it.

Hey, do you have any favourite night-time stories?

Hmm. um, Peter Pan.

Oh, really? I don't think I know that one. Can you...? Can you tell it to me?

OK, well, it's about this kid named Peter Pan.

Oh, I like it already.

And also there's this girl, Wendy, and this fairy, Tinker Bell,

and this pirate that has a hook instead of a hand.

Oh, really? What else?

Well, Peter Pan takes Wendy and her brothers off to Neverland, and they go on an adventure...

HE BLOWS

I'm sorry you've had to sleep on that air mattress this whole time.

That's all right. It's fine.

Well, you haven't complained once. It's almost like you're a real adult.

That's the worst thing that anyone has ever told me.

Good night, Vince.

Night, Jennifer.

BED SQUEAKS

LEAK HISSES

I think you've sprung a leak.

It's a slow leak. I'll be fine.

HISSING CONTINUES

I guess you could sleep up here.

Wouldn't that be weird?

Just stay on top of the covers.

Night.

Wait. What are we doing?

Have you never done this before?

Shut up.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Who is it?

I don't feel so good.

What's the matter, sweetie?

I have a tummy...

SHE VOMITS

You feel better now?

Come on. Uncle Vince will clean you up, all right?

I want Aunt Jennifer to do it.

You do? Oh, come here. Let Aunt Jen take care of you.

I knew I should've worn my slippers.

SQUELCHING

Uncle Vince?

Uncle Vince?

Yeah, buddy?

Where's Samantha?

Um, she's sleeping with your Aunt Jennifer. She's not feeling too good.

It's been a, uh, a very interesting night, little man.

What happened?

One day I'll tell you all about it, all right? Maybe when you're in college.

I'm not going to college. Neither is Samantha.

Why not?

I heard Grandpa say they're gonna use our college fund to pay for your wedding.

They said that?

Night.

PEOPLE CHATTER, SIREN WAILS

Dad.

Hey.

Vince? How the hell did you know where to find me?

It's where Mom always came when she needed to find you, usually with me in tow.

And you remember that?

Not much else to remember, Dad.

Well, it's good to see you too.

Can I buy you a beer or...

No. I just came here to take care of business.

Oh, come on. Stick around awhile, place a couple of bets.

I'm giving it up. It was a nasty habit. I'm gonna be breaking the cycle, I think.

So you're just here for the money?

I don't know what I'm here for. Maybe this was a mistake.

Vince.

Look, I know that life was tough for you, and I'm sorry about that.

I realise I'm never gonna be father of the year.

I would've settled for just a father.

I hit it pretty big at the track last year. It's the big payoff I've always been waiting for.

But after the excitement wore off, I realised I don't have anybody to celebrate with.

Guess that's what happens when this place is your home, Dad.

I'm trying to make amends, son. I'd like a second chance. I know that I don't deserve one.

You don't.

All right. All right.

I'm proud of you, Vince.

Falling in love, getting married,

creating a family, it's...

Hell, I envy you.

I gambled away the love of my life

and my relationship with you.

That is my biggest regret.

I'll find another way to get the money.

Vince, come on.

Please. Please.

Let me do this much, all right?

The wedding's next Saturday 2pm at Peat St Christian.

Say goodbye to your aunt Jen-Jen and don't forget to say thank you.

But where's Uncle Vince?

Hey! Where do you think I am, buddy?

Hey! Oh! What the heck, man?

You were going to leave without saying goodbye after all we've been through? Come on.

It's from my father.

Are you OK?

I will be.

Sorry, kid. Looks like you're going to be going to college after all.

Come on. Let's go.

I'm gonna miss him.

Don't worry. He's not going anywhere.

The kids have only been gone a few hours, and I miss them already.

I know.

This thing's still got a leak in it.

Listen, about what happened last night...

Or didn't happen last night.

It's probably for the best.

Yeah.

I mean, things could get complicated.

I'm a simple guy.

That was a softball. No comeback there?

Good night, Vince.

Well, I don't think I'm going to risk the air mattress again tonight, so I'll probably, uh, just...

Night.

See you at the rehearsal dinner.

GLASS CLINKS

Um, my parents and I couldn't be happier that we have all of you here

to celebrate Vince and Jennifer's wedding tomorrow.

It's probably safe to say that many of us never thought that Jennifer would ever get married.

But she has found this wonderful man who's so funny, giving and warm.

And he obviously adores her.

I've seen the way that Vince looks at Jennifer when she's not looking, and I can see what he must see.

I look forward to tomorrow...

..to seeing my beautiful sister as happy as I was on my wedding day.

But more importantly, I look forward to being a part of the life that Jennifer and Vince make together.

To Vince and Jennifer, may you live happily ever...

Jen-Jen?

Um...

Nerves.

SHE INHALES DEEPLY

Hey.

I can't go through with it. I can't deceive all my family and friends. I'm sorry. I just can't.

We have to.

I'm calling it off.

No, you're not. Here.

How can you go through with this?

You can't do this to me, Jennifer.

I could've taken that money my father gave me and paid off my debt, but I didn't do it.

Why didn't you?

I don't know. Because...

because I just didn't.

Look, I can't... I can't stand up there tomorrow and marry a man who doesn't love me.

Now you tell me.

It's great timing.

Sorry. You'll have to pay your debt some other way.

If I thought of a way to get the money, you think I would've gone through this?

I'm sorry it's been so terrible.

SHE SIGHS

Why don't you go back in there, Jennifer, all right?

Tell your parents that all that money they just spent was for nothing.

Can you do that?

That's what I thought.

The wedding is on.

Unless you want The Monkey to kill me so you can keep my television.

After the wedding, I never want to see you again. Thank God I didn't sleep with you.

Oh, you would've loved it.

Not as much as you would have.

Mm-hm.

CHURCH BELLS RING

How do you tie these things, Steve?

Why didn't you just get the clip-on?

I don't know. Maybe I'm getting married, man.

Are you decent?

Yeah.

Wow, you look...dashing.

Thanks. Is she OK? She's still going to go through with this, right?

Of course she is.

She's a little uptight, but that's just the nervous jitters.

But she did ask me to give you this, and she said that you should have something for her,

and if you don't, I'm supposed to wait here until you do. (I think it's a code.)

OK.

It's really sweet, you know, exchanging love letters right before the ceremony.

There you go.

SHE LAUGHS

Yay, brother!

Yay. Hey.

Oh, um... yeah, you know what? We're almost ready to go, so you might want to tie that tie.

OK.

Just think of it as a shoelace for your neck.

STRINGS MUSIC PLAYS

Hey.

Hey. I'm a friend of Vic's. We met last week.

Vince.

Right, Vince.

STRINGS MUSIC PLAYS

OK. OK.

MUSIC: "Bridal Chorus" by Richard Wagner

Wait. Close the doors.

Honey, it's time.

I don't think I can do this.

Of course you can.

No. Vince and I...

Jennifer, listen to me. Your mother and I always doubted you'd even get married...

I know, Dad. Thanks (!)

..because we never thought you'd meet anybody worthy of all you had to offer.

I couldn't be prouder of the woman you've become.

And I'm really sorry I haven't always told you that.

Dad, I just need to tell you...

Sweetheart.

I know you're scared.

And as hard as it's gonna be for me to give you away, I know you're gonna be in good hands.

Vince loves you.

OK?

MUSIC: "Bridal Chorus" by Richard Wagner

Wow.

I know.

LAUGHTER

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to join this man and this woman in the sacred bonds of holy matrimony.

I have had the chance to spend time with Jennifer and Vince,

and their unusually strong feelings for one another are, well, quite apparent.

I've done this job long enough to know when a couple is getting married for the wrong reasons.

Some they're in love with an idealised version of the person they are marrying.

Others feel that they are simply too old to be single any more.

And some... Well, some just want all the gifts.

LAUGHTER

That's ridiculous.

But what they don't realise is that marriage is a journey.

A wonderful, exciting and, at times, excruciating journey.

Am I right?

CROWD MURMURS IN AGREEMENT

But Jennifer and Vince,

they see each other for who they really are.

There are no rose-coloured glasses on these two, not at all.

They are standing here today committing to each other, knowing full well what they're getting into.

The couple has elected to recite their own vows.

Vince?

Yeah.

The vows.

Oh, right.

Jennifer, I didn't know how loving a person could be until I met you.

HE CHUCKLES

I can't. I just cannot do this.

CROWD MURMURS

I've got to speak from the heart here.

Uh-uh.

Jennifer, you are the most frustrating person I have ever met.

You are opinionated and stubborn,

and at times, really, really, really bossy.

CROWD MURMURS

And that is why I've fallen in love with you.

I didn't plan on it, believe me. It just happened. And along the way, I...

..noticed your generosity,

your kindness, your great sense of humour

and just your basic sense of decency.

You're an amazing woman, Jennifer.

And I will be proud to call you my wife.

Jennifer, it's your turn now.

Read your vows.

It was my grandmother's.

We're not quite to the rings yet.

What do you say?

You know, I pride myself on being able to read people.

When I met you, Vince, I thought you were sloppy and lazy and a ladies' man. And I was right.

In fact, that was all I could see.

But every day that I've spent with you I have found little things that I love about you,

like the way you light up when your mom walks in a room or the way you make my niece and nephew laugh.

And ever since then, I just... I don't know, I just love all those little things about you.

I love you, Vince.

Is that a yes?

Yes. Yes.

Yes.

CROWD MURMURS, LAUGHS

Yes!

Guys, the kissing comes later too. We're still at the vows.

Oh, um, Vince, do you take Jennifer to be your lawful wedded wife?

Jennifer, do you take Vince to be your lawful wedded husband?

Um, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may do that.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE