My Year Without Sex

SONG: "The World's Got Everything In It" by Uncle Bill

This film contains some strong language

# Ooh

# Well, the world's got everything in it

# Ain't no reason to doubt it

# Since I found out about it

# I'm gonna make my point and shout it

# Well, the world's got everything in it

# Put it on your finger and spin it

# It's got trees and planes and asphalt chicanes

# It's got a game and you might win it...

WOMAN MOANING

HE GRUNTS

-What?

-Daddy's birthday!

-Happy birthday, Daddy!

-Happy...

-Ooh!

-Bugger!

# Yeah, the world's got everything in it...

Happy birthday!

# It's got news right up to the minute

# It's got truth and lies

# And the dumb and the wise

# It's got variety without limit #

MALE VOICE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER PHONE

I'm sorry. I don't actually speak Phone Plan.

-"Do you mind if I put you on hold?"

-Where's my shirt?

-That's fine.

-Can't find anything.

-All the time in the world.

# Ta-dah!

-What are you wearing?

-It's casual-clothes day, Mum.

Georgia gave it to me.

I didn't know what to wear.

-Oh, sweetheart...

-What?

-Don't speak with your mouth full.

-Good luck!

-You can't wear that.

-Why not?

You'll freeze!

There you go.

You're very beautiful, Kylie.

-Natalie.

-Oh!

BHP, 34.95, Resource Pacific 5.96

and Rio Tinto 103.98.

In the retail sector, Coles advanced to 15.49, Woolworths to 18.62...

Happy birthday!

Oh!

HE LAUGHS

-Ross gets chocolate!

-Yeah.

I can't believe you've got nits again.

I'm sorry.

Good one, Ruby!

It's nobody's fault.

It's your turn, Louis.

-ELECTRONIC SHOOTING NOISES

-What's that noise?

-Hello?

-Leave my ringtones alone!

-Hi, Dad.

She's just doing Louis' big tits.

-Big nits!

-I said big nits.

No, you didn't!

Agh! Oh!

Come on, boys. Let's go.

Firm wrist and hard fist.

Found this site on the internet of people having sex with animals.

-What?

-Next! Come on.

Snakes, dogs, a horse...

Cool!

Come on. Faster!

Pick it up!

-The footy's on!

-Paris Hilton's on. She's hot.

-It's not scary or anything.

-I'm not scared. The footy's on!

-Yes!

-No, no, no! Don't. They'll lose.

They're losers anyway, you gooby giant.

Oh, my God, I can't believe you guys only have one television.

All right. Settle down.

"Adult themes, medium-level violence,

nudity, occasional coarse language,

MA-15 plus."

Chloe's four. I don't think her mum, or your mum, or your mum,

-wants you watching this.

-Winona gave it to Blake.

MOBILE RINGS

-Your daughter wants to go home.

-Georgia?

Is she texting you from the lounge room?

-Can't believe she's 12 already.

-I can't believe she's ONLY 12.

-Every time I look at her I feel like I need to get implants.

-They're watching Jaws.

Oh, great. We'll have Ruby in our bed for a week.

We'll save on swimming lessons.

-DOG BARKING

-Kids? Come on. Hurry up.

Louis, Ruby! Quickly!

Quick sticks!

Hop in.

-Found them!

-HE JINGLES KEYS

That's it, honey.

They say boys do better in co-ed schools,

but girls do better in single-sex schools.

Well, I've sent my boys to private boys' school.

God knows why. Values, safety...

Guess you'd lock them in a small room if you could.

And...it makes no difference.

I see as many pregnancies and STDs from the private schools

as the local techs.

OK. One Pap test all done.

Thanks.

Anything else I can help you with today?

Jesus...

Sorry.

-SHE GASPS

-Oh!

SHE CHUCKLES

-PHONE RINGS

-Toilet breaks?

Why do they need all this ridiculous information?

What?

MCR. This is Rosie Singh.

Ross? Outside call.

Hello?

Natalie?

Do you know where you are?

Hospital.

That's right. You're... You're in intensive care.

Do you know how you got here?

My mum...

only had to look at my dad.

HE CHUCKLES

Oh, yes! She was so lucky.

The ambulance right there, the doctor right there.

And the surgeon who's best in the country for aneurysms was right here.

He was all scrubbed up for another operation that fell through.

I better go. Bye.

CHEERING FOOTBALL COMMENTARY

"Manson, dangerous spot!"

"Oh!"

"The margin is three points."

Kayla's mum took me to dancing class.

Dad was late picking me up.

Chloe pushed Kayla over when she said dancing's boring.

I'm going to Eve's party. It's very...

"I'd like to see it again."

"Did the skipper initiate the contact or did White?"

"Beyond the 30-minute mark of the last quarter,

with both teams playing for their seasons. Jeff White..."

Can I have my birthday there when I'm eight?

-It's OK. Come here.

-Please, please, please...

Here.

Mum's just sleeping.

CROWD CHEERING

Please!

CROWD ROARS

HE GROANS

-Hey!

-"Clark in the box."

Hey, she'll be fine.

We'll be fine.

There's always next season.

Where was I?

They're just as likely to decide to paint the whole place pink,

and the first thing we'll know about it's a bill for thousands.

Last time I missed one because her ladyship wanted a holiday.

Now we live on the Gold Coast. For Christ sakes, life's a holiday!

-DOOR CREAKS OPEN AND CLOSES

-Where was I?

Er, last time you missed a body corp meeting.

Jesus!

So?

Yeah. Nah, it's a train wreck, really.

I mean, even if Nat's OK,

the job's already gone.

She can't drive.

I can't take any more time off work. They're...

..restructuring, whatever that means.

I don't really know... HE SOBS

..what I'm going to do.

Mate...

It's OK to cry.

Are they offering packages?

If they are, you should take the money and leave.

Set up a consultancy. Hire yourself back to them at twice the rate.

You can claim your mortgage as a tax deduction,

your expenses - practically everything.

It was the best thing I ever did. Time's my own.

Yeah.

When you woke up, we were going to pretend ten years had gone by,

and Uncle Ross had married again, and he was bald.

And I had a baby when I was 15.

And Louis was gay.

-What?

-Blake, go and do something.

-What?

-Can we have something?

There's enough here.

-Yes!

-You take them.

-Whatever.

-I'm getting a coke.

-She only gave us ten dollars.

-Oh, my God!

-So, how does it happen?

Er, it's an artery that balloons and then bursts in your head.

But how?

Maybe born with it. Maybe the Pill.

-Smoking, stress...shitty luck...

-Stress.

-I did smoke.

-Yeah, but who didn't?

And took the Pill, but it'd be stress. It's an epidemic.

I wasn't stressed, was I?

I did yoga...

didn't I?

Yoga's hopeless. Might as well just lie on your bed.

You should do community singing.

You get your stress relief, your oxygen in your blood,

endorphins, pleasure, happiness...

Singing with lots of people stimulates a small organ in your ear. It's like an orgasm.

These things can make champagne go off,

-and cause more fatalities than sharks.

-Ross?

-You OK?

-Yeah.

It's just...sometimes people forget about the person

-who's been doing all the caring...

-DOOR CLICKING

-..and all the worrying.

-Hey!

Yes! It's good to have you back, buddy!

It's been tough being the most gorgeous guy here.

It's been tough because they didn't replace you, and banned overtime.

-How does that work?

-Dead air, or work for love.

50 percent of people with aneurysms die before they get to hospital.

15 percent of survivors never walk or talk again.

You should buy yourself a lottery ticket.

But it...won't happen again.

Consider it a yellow card.

Er, soccer.

-A warning, but you keep playing.

-Oh.

Anecdotally, most aneurysms rupture during heavy lifting,

suppressing sneezes, straining on the toilet,

and sex. Three out of four should be avoidable.

VIOLIN MUSIC

SHE PLAYS OFF-KEY

SHE CONTINUES TO PLAY

SHE SOBS

They're just so beautiful. I love you, Ross.

I love you, too.

-I love you, Ruby, my gorgeous girl.

-I love you, too, Mama.

And I love you, Louis, my beautiful boy.

Mum...

what's 37 plus 16 plus 16?

37 plus 16 plus 16 is...

Um...

69.

Hey, Mum? Can I take you to school for show-and-tell?

SHE LAUGHS

Maybe not.

SHE PLAYS SLOWLY

It's only me who can't have an orgasm.

We could still have sex.

-Isn't it too soon?

-I don't mean this minute.

I mean when I'm better.

You could be really boring and not get me excited.

You could go through analogue versus digital again.

THEY LAUGH

Very funny.

I can't believe I almost died.

I'm glad you didn't.

Did the kids think I was going to die?

No. No. I told them you'd be fine.

What if I wasn't?

You should've been honest.

But you are fine.

I can't imagine not being here.

What kind of next wife would you get?

I'm just thinking.

Would she be like a new me?

Or totally new?

-Tidy!

-HE CHUCKLES

Dear Ruby, happy birthday.

15!

I hope you're having a wonderful life.

Yes, you are too young to have sex, and don't drive with P-platers.

Don't do drugs.

Definitely...not....chroming,

petrol-sniffing, crystal meth...

Christ, sounds like a shopping list.

Probably a lovely, healthy, happy girl.

Eat with your mouth closed. Sit up straight,

and occasionally try and think about how the other person feels.

I love you.

I really...

..really, really love you.

OK. Big deep breath.

And... THEY EXHALE NOISILY

Good. Jaws.

THEY MAKE RHYTHMIC CHATTERING SOUND

Good. OK. Chewing.

Really big!

Last, through your lips.

THEY MAKE TRILLING AND SNORTING SOUNDS

All right. Count in on two.

One, two! # Row, row, row your boat

-# Gently down the stream

-# Row, row, row your boat

-# Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily

-# Gently down the stream

-# Life is but a dream

-# Row, row, row your boat #

THEY CONTINUE TO SING

Don't worry about it.

Natalie!

I thought it was you! I love your hair.

I can't believe how different you look!

Who did it?

-No-one.

-Oh, what do you mean?

Aren't you telling? Is it a secret special hairdresser?

It's a wig.

Oh!

It's brilliant. I love it. Why are you wearing a wig?

Is it alopecia from stress?

She had an operation on her brain.

Oh, I'm so sorry!

Margaret! Isn't it great to see some new faces?

It's just getting bigger and bigger.

Nicotine, anyone?

I'm giving up smoking. Tried everything -

hypnotherapy, acupuncture, knitting, not drinking,

-drinking more...

-Thanks for the class.

I feel fantastic. Such a great communal energy!

It was really wonderful.

Thanks.

Oh, my God! I didn't think there'd be people who actually need rehab.

Just a bit of stress relief!

"Functional systems. One, cognition,

which is the information-handling aspect of behaviour."

"Two, emotionality, which concerns feelings and motivation."

"And three, executive functions

which have to do with how behaviour is expressed."

-SHE CHUCKLES

-"Damage to the brain"...

I just thought I heard Ruby.

You're still beautiful to me.

Jesus! What are the poor people doing tonight?

Not making the same choices we do.

Isn't all that property and stock-market stuff about to crash?

What people believe is the reality.

You don't even have to believe it yourself.

If they believe it's going to crash, it crashes.

But then the really clever people start buying.

Survival of the fittest!

CORK POPPING

Cool. Now, are you allowed?

Oh, I don't know. As long as it doesn't make me sneeze,

-or constipated...

-SHE CHUCKLES

-..or give me an orgasm.

-It's very good champagne.

# Dashing through the snow

# In a one-horse open sleigh

# Over hills we go

# Laughing all the way

# Bells on Bobtail ring

# Making spirits bright

# What fun it is to ride and sing

# A sleighing song tonight

# Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells

# Jingle all the way

# Oh, what fun it is to ride

# In a one-horse open sleigh #

Ruby has been on a bus before, hasn't she, Mum?

-I have not!

-Yes, you have. Remember when we got the car serviced,

-and Dad couldn't find his keys?

-I wasn't born yet.

-Yes, you were!

Mum had you in that little carry thing.

-Can we not argue about it now?

-Thank you.

Ho, ho, ho!

-Grace said there was no Santa.

-Who brings all the presents, then?

-Her mum.

-As if!

Here, Mum. Like this. In there.

How does one man get around the whole world in one night?

Well, it's pretty hard for the Easter Bunny,

you know, to deliver all those eggs.

Or for the Tooth Fairy. Or for Jesus to walk on water.

Is that what he's famous for?

Er, yeah. And that he was born on Christmas Day.

Ho, ho, ho. Ho, ho, ho.

Hello, little girl.

Roboreptile? Wow!

-Mum, I want this for Christmas.

-You've already got one, haven't you?

But this is version four!

Grraah! Mum, can I have this for Christmas?

You'll just have to wait and see what Santa brings.

-We haven't got anything for Dad.

-Dad likes fruit.

-Aren't they plastic?

-Plastic?

Heather? We're ready for you now, if you'd like to come through.

Yes, thank you.

Why would you bring a dog in for a radio interview?

We all know that dogs are a man's, or indeed a woman's, best friend.

But did you know that a dog can actually make you live longer?

Heather Jones from the Lost Dogs' Home is here to tell us...

Maybe we could all leave, and hire ourselves back for more money.

They haven't hired anyone back from OB. They just get casuals in on the cheap.

Well, maybe we start our own business.

-What?

-HE LAUGHS

-Our own radio station!

-HE LAUGHS

Oh, Rosie, good score!

-Ah!

-Did you bring any alcohol?

-# Ta-dah!

-Wow!

CHILDREN CHATTERING

-Purple 37.

-Yep.

Blue 64.

Mum, look. It's us. Mum, look!

-Oh! Ruby, go up.

-No, no.

-Ruby...

-Blue 64?

WOMEN WHISPERING She deserves it.

APPLAUSE

HE LAUGHS

You can win up to 100,000 on each ticket.

-Well, yeah.

-Can we buy a pony?

How about a song to get you into the holiday spirit?

# Dashing through the snow

# In a one-horse open sleigh

# Over the fields we go #

We've never won anything before.

I won an Easter egg in the colouring competition.

Yeah, but that was skill, not luck.

You told me it was just bad luck when I didn't win!

That time I tried my hardest.

Oh, no!

What?

-Do we really have to wait for Dad?

-He won't be long.

RAUNCHY MUSIC MEN CHEERING AND WHISTLING

-MAN LAUGHING

-Girls!

Whoo! Whoo-hoo!

Yeah, get it off! Yeah, that's it, sweetheart!

I'll never get another job. I can't do anything else.

I always liked the idea of myself having a little mechanic's business.

Vintage cars, wearing overalls...

Yeah, I can just see you in overalls.

Maybe renting out boats to people in Narooma.

I caught a flathead there once.

There you go. Rent a boat off Ross and go fishing full-time.

Maybe.

MUSIC POUNDS

Who suggested this?

The sound quality is appalling.

-I want a swimming pool.

-I want a basketball hoop.

And a bike. Matt's dad bought him a Signature XRM.

-A what?

-A motorbike.

Why would anybody get something so risky?

-Two dollars!

-That makes it eight bucks.

Tickets cost ten. Wish we'd won that hamper, that second prize.

-It was fantastic.

-Yeah, Dad. You should've seen it.

There was, like, a million toys and lollies.

-I'm going to ask Santa for one. I can't wait.

-I can't wait!

-I can't wait more than you can't wait.

-What?

-You're such a knob.

-I'm not a knob!

Maybe we should go to church tonight -

so the kids understand what it's really about, give it some meaning.

Well, I for one would love to,

but I have to do my Christmas shopping tonight.

On Christmas Eve?

# Oh, come, let us adore him

# Oh, come, let us adore him

# Oh, come, let us adore him

# Christ, the Lord #

The reading today is from the Gospel of St Luke,

Chapter 2.

"And it came to pass in those days that there went out a decree

from Caesar Augustus that all the world should be taxed."

Thank you very much.

-Hi, Natalie!

-Hi!

-How are you?

Good! I didn't realise that you were a church person.

I... I'm new.

Katie goes to church every week, Mum!

-That's lovely. Ruby!

-THEY SHOUT

I got you!

So, is the, er, choir a church thing?

Yeah, sort of. It's my outreach thing.

Right.

Oof!

-RUBY CRIES

-Jeez...

I can't lift her. I'm not allowed.

Oh!

-She needs to go to the hospital.

-RUBY WAILS

SONG: "Soon I Will Be Done" by Emily Hayes

# The troubles of the world

# Oh, soon I will be done

# With the troubles of the world

# Oh, I long to be with God

# Soon I will be done...

"This call is being diverted. Please wait."

You really don't have to stay. We can get a taxi home.

It's OK. It's good.

I haven't got... Taxis might be hard to find.

Or full of vomit. It is Christmas. SHE CHUCKLES

Are you coming back to choir in the New Year?

I'm not sure what nights the kids have their stuff on next year.

I do violin, swimming and dancing, and I'm starting netball.

Violin?

God knows why. Don't know anyone who even listens to classical music.

God does know why.

Oh, God. Sorry. Oh...

MOBILE RINGS

Hey, Dad. We're at the hospital.

No, it's not Mum. It's Ruby. Yeah, she fell.

There's blood everywhere.

CAR APPROACHING

HE SIGHS IMPATIENTLY

Come on!

-I've got six stitches!

-Oh, dear!

-We came home with a priest.

-Priest?!

-Come on. Big day tomorrow.

Christmas Day!

Santa's coming! Santa's coming!

I'm sorry. I...

-Forgot to charge my phone.

-That's OK.

I know. It's too much. But how do you go back to giving them

a skipping rope and an orange

when all their friends are getting the new iPod

and the new Xbox? I just want them to be happy!

It's Christmas!

Oh, I've had it. Can you please stay up

until they've gone to sleep, put the sacks under the tree

-and do the carrots?

-Louis put the carrots out.

Someone has to eat them. Like a reindeer.

ANIMAL WHIMPERING

-Do you want your present now?

-No. I want to go to sleep.

And I don't want a present that means more work. If that's what I think it is, take it back.

SONG: "Glory To The World" by El Perro Del Mar

# Look at the clouds today

# Look at the clouds today

# They sure got funny shapes

# They sure got funny shapes

# Look at the clouds today

# Look at the clouds today

# They sure got funny shapes

# They sure got funny shapes

# Glory, glory, glory

# To the world

# Glory, glory, glory

# To the world

# Look at the flowers today

# Look at the flowers today

# They make a crazy place

# They make a crazy place...

Hi.

# They make a crazy place

# They make a crazy place

# Glory, glory, glory

# To the world #

Mum, can we get a boat?

So, who are we, then?

Are we more like the man in the gutter

-or the people with the boat?

-We're in the middle.

Would you say we were middle class, Ross?

-What?

-We're in the middle. But not in the middle of the middle.

I wish we were a bit more in the middle of the middle.

-Chicken nuggets!

-Mrs Leary says no chicken should have to die

-to be a nugget.

-Five dollars max each.

-A Happy Meal's five dollars.

-It won't be a real Happy Meal.

-You get a toy. That's a Happy Meal.

-No, it's not!

We're not at a McDonald's, you idiot! Mum!

SONG: "The World's Got Everything In It" by Uncle Bill

# Yeah, the world's got everything in it

# It's got news right up to the minute

# It's got truth and lies and the dumb and the wise

# It's got a hide but you can't skin it

# Yeah, the world's got everything in it

# It took a lightning bolt to begin it

# It's got a big back yard with the Marquis de Sade

# It's got variety without limit #

There. Go... Go left here.

Sorry.

SHE SIGHS

-Sorry.

-SHE CHUCKLES

It's the other way. Used to be able to read maps.

-Well, maybe you're just tired today.

-I'm not tired.

My whole brain's changed.

Have I changed?

-Have I changed, kids?

-Don't ask them that.

Oh, they're not listening. Nobody listens.

What? TYRES SQUEAL / CRASHING

-Oh! Are you all right?

-Are you OK?

What the fuck do you think you're doing?

Sorry. I thought I had right of way.

Sorry? You could've fucking killed me, you fucking stupid tourist, with your fucking theme parks!

Why don't you stay in your frigid little fucking suburbs?

Oh, fuck!

How can the suburbs be frigid AND fucking?

I think this lilo has a slow leak.

What are we going to do if we can't get the car fixed by Friday?

I hope they write it off. Can't even afford the excess.

I've got to get a job.

Oh, you're lucky you're working.

If we crashed our car we'd be up the creek.

They don't offer you jobs at 61. My dad lived until he was 88.

We worked, we paid taxes, so we'd get the pension when we were older.

And now it's just... It's superannuation and tax advice,

and you end up with the bloody same situation!

Financial advisors...

You know, there used to be no such thing as dog food?

They just used to eat scraps. It's a whole industry built on air.

I wish they wouldn't change the packaging. I forget which one I get.

-There's so many.

-Don't ask me.

I get a headache, I call an ambulance.

That won't happen again. Got nit stuff for the kids' baths?

Already!

I'd forget I'd bought it and get more next Christmas.

I'm forgetting a lot these days.

You're preaching to the choir, dear.

SONG: "Hands Up In The Air"

WOMEN SINGING IN HARMONY

# Swim this shallow bay

# And enjoy this sunny day

# The weather is changeable

# Around the world

# Ships go by

# My lovely beach

# I'm willing it to pass me by

-# Na-na-na-na-na

-# If you are sinking

-# Na-na-na-na-na

-# Hands up in the air

-# Na-na-na-na-na

-# If you are drowning

-# Na-na-na-na-na

-# Hands up in the air

# Na, na-na-na, na-na

# Hands up in the air #

You might be thinking it's too hot. It's too hard.

It's too early for a practice game.

But where would we be if they'd thought like that at Gallipoli?

What are your legs? Steel springs.

What are they going to do? Hurl me down that track!

The ANZACs didn't let their mates down, didn't let themselves down.

-All mates. All volunteers.

-PLANE ENGINE ROARS

Ross? Never been assistant coach before, have you?

Imagine yourselves carrying your country's honour on your back.

Didn't we lose at Gallipoli?

# He's the number-one man in this community

# He's got credibility

# And folks all know his name

# Running round the clock... #

Oi! Umpire!

Run and tell Louis and Thommo,

neutralise the big kid from Altona.

-WHISTLE BLOWING Er...

-Team up on him.

Trip him. Sledge him!

They've got to learn!

Right. Er...

Just, er...

Just...do your best, all right?

Try hard.

Yep?

WHISTLE BLOWING

DOG GROWLS HAPPILY

HE SIGHS

-It's not going to fit.

-Just get rid of a couple.

I can't. There has to be 42. They're all the gods of the afterlife.

You have to confess to them to get into heaven. It's heaps cool.

42 confessions? Are there 42 sins?

Yeah.

Number 35.

"I have not fouled running water."

Number 32. "I have not multiplied my speech beyond what should be said."

The God of Babbling. Hah! I'd never get into heaven.

I feel like I haven't shut up for ten years.

I used to have this boyfriend.

He used to say I drove him nuts cos I never spoke.

Number eight. "I have not eaten my heart."

Now, as a group, you've got 15 minutes to decide

which five of these 20 people are going to get on board

the only airship to escape the end of the world.

Now, you don't know what we're looking for, so just be yourselves.

Over to you.

Well, Princess Di would have to go. She was so spiritual.

Spiritual? You've got the pope here!

Well, he's only spiritual for the Catholics.

Stephen Hawking, for sure. We need his brain.

-But who would look after him?

-Well, maybe Princess Di,

seeing she's so spiritual.

I like Clive Owen.

I can't believe they left Princess Di behind.

I can't believe they had to go in an airship.

"A lucky escape for this zebra."

The blonde one's the hottest.

-I hate fat chicks!

-GREG CHUCKLES

-So, where you going for this adults-only weekend?

-Just the Hyatt.

Revealing my new tattoo to Greg...

-very slowly.

-A tattoo?

You got to be on to it. I'm the same age that Mandy was

when Greg left her for me.

Oh, I don't think that he would...

I don't know. He's so distracted lately.

Just gets on top, pumps away...

-Then...

-SHE IMITATES SNORING

I like Daniel Cross best.

Or him. He's gorgeous.

Yeah. He's all right. He's just been injury-plagued this season.

DOOR CREAKS

-Why aren't you watching the DVD?

-Please! We're not in kindergarten.

-Keep the door open.

-Yeah, right!

Oh, my God! No offence. Just, you know...

I just feel like I'm missing out. How many times a week do you guys have sex?

-The, er, kids OK?

-Oh, they're watching High School...Something.

-CHILD SCREAMING

-It's horrible!

-Gross!

I didn't think it was scary!

-Oh, my God.

-Yuck!

-Is it dead?

Did we kill it?

-Let's have a funeral.

-Yes!

I want to be a nun when I grow up. It's cool what they get to wear.

-You have to be a virgin.

-You're such a runt!

-And you have to believe in God.

-Mum, do we believe in God?

Um...

It's up to everyone to decide for themselves as they grow up,

but it is nice to...believe in things.

-KNOCKING AT DOOR

-She's here.

-Oh, my God!

We thank the Lord for this happy family,

and the gifts they've been given, and pray they have strength and health.

We thank the Lord for the pleasure Puffybrains has given the children,

and pray that all God's creatures, great and small,

are given the same love and care the world over.

-Amen.

-Can we sing a song?

I think that's a good idea.

SINGING IN DISTANCE

# Bulldogs through and through

# Bulldogs bite

# And Bulldogs roar

# We give our very best

# But you can't beat the boys of the Bulldog breed

-# We're the team of the mighty west #

-Yes!

Yes! Whoo!

-Hey, Dad!

-Hi, Uncle Ross!

-Hey.

-Hi, Uncle Ross.

We had, er, a funeral for Puffybrains. The fish.

-And Margaret kindly...

-Margaret?

Margie Allen! Oh, you're Margie Allen!

-Local Talent.

-The band.

I didn't even recognise you. Oh, God!

I loved that song. Er, Sex...something.

-Sex...

-Sex Symbol. One-hit wonders.

You remember the '80s?

Ross is the only one.

He was the good boy behind the mixing desk.

You were great live. I remember this one gig at the Prince, and you...

It was great.

I can't believe Louis cared so much about that fish.

He barely looked at it when it was alive.

I can't believe your Margaret is Margie Allen.

Still, I guess she did have a pretty serious drug problem.

-What's that supposed to mean?

-Well, you know...

Most converts come from a pretty low base.

They can't wait to inflict their beliefs on everyone else.

Worse than ex-smokers.

She just believes what she believes.

Has she tried to convert you?

Has she? Eh? Praise the Lord!

No.

Well, I wouldn't let her baby-sit.

SONG: "Just A Little Bit Of Rain" by Mick Harvey

# If I should leave you now...

SPORTS COMMENTARY # Try to remember

# Good times

# Warm days in the sunshine

# And just a little bit of rain

# And if I look back

# Try to remember

# The good times... #

Why don't you just get on top and start,

so that we don't have time to get...thingy,

and we can worry about it being good once we've got the first time out of the way?

Gee, you make it sound so attractive!

Well, don't, then.

THEY CHUCKLE

-Where are the condoms? What...

-I don't know.

Why can't I ever find anything in this bloody house?

"For paying accounts, press 2."

Can't decide where to have my birthday party.

-We might not have one this year.

-What? Louis went to Laser Force,

and I haven't been to La La Land, Tickety Boo,

-the Fairy Cave...

-I'm sure you went to the Fairy Cave.

Not for MY birthday. That's when you get to sit on the fairy throne.

-Can I have a makeover party like Georgia had?

-No way!

-Just at home?

-You're turning eight, Ruby.

Hurry up. You haven't cleaned your teeth, Louis.

-I'm going to be late for work.

-You're not even dressed.

-Yes, I am.

-Has anyone seen my car keys?

We need to get some order around here.

I try, but people put stuff back in a new place every time.

-I can find things in my shed.

-Because nobody else goes near it.

We all have to have the same order.

You can't just have your own selfish-bastard order.

-Swear jar!

-All right. Don't get stressed.

If you don't want me stressed, you could do a bit more around here.

-I help out a lot.

-It's not about help.

It's about taking stuff on. Me giving you the shopping list

-is not the same as you doing the shopping.

-Dad?

Can I have a makeover party for my birthday?

-Georgia had one.

-Er...

-Yes. I don't see why not.

-Yes!

-"Thank you for holding."

-Your decision. Your job.

I was just... HE SIGHS

Just get yourself a party company.

Consider yourself lucky she's just turning eight.

We had to get security when Georgia turned 13.

You can claim that, though.

You know, in some countries...

they don't have a rich list.

They have a highest-taxpayer list.

Like... Why?

You know, for pride.

HE GRUNTS

Ooh, ooh, ooh!

SHE LAUGHS

Popcorn...

-Can I, um...help with anything?

-We're right, thanks.

SONG: "Venus" by Bananarama

Right! First up we have...Paris!

THEY CHEER AND SHOUT

Thank you, Paris. Next we have Graydon.

PARTY MUSIC CONTINUES

-Nice work, Graydon. Thank you.

-What a loser!

Now we have Nikki!

-Australia's next top model!

-Great work.

And now, last but not least,

the birthday girl herself - it's Ruby!

Do you want a go?

Here's Ruby! CHEERING

-Big round of applause for Ruby!

-Come on, Rube!

Fantastic stuff!

My tooth! I have to find it for the Tooth Fairy!

It's all right, Ruby. We'll find it. Look, it's here.

There we go. Now, you go put that in a...

Who cut it last time?

Er...no-one.

No-one didn't do a very good job, did they?

SHE SOBS

Shit!

SCREAMING

As you both know only too well, satiety,

the feeling that you've had enough to eat,

is affected by a huge list of factors -

how we're feeling psychologically, if we've grown up in a household

where not having two helpings is an insult to a parent's cooking,

whether we eat in front of the telly,

whether our brains have quirks in their appetite centres.

Maybe I should just jump before I'm pushed.

Tim's keen to start a business.

Con got a gig on the Sherbet reunion tour.

SHE GRUNTS Oh, I don't know what to do.

I don't know what to do either.

About us.

About...

I bought some condoms.

SHE SNEEZES

Oh!

SHE COUGHS AND SNIFFS

MURMUR OF CONVERSATION

Yes, I understand that, but...

-Easter egg!

-I understand that you're upset.

Customer relations. Can I get your account details, please?

-Egg?

-But, madam, I'm not in India! I'm in Australia.

-Yeah, yeah. I promise you.

-Take a bloody egg!

Hello? Hello?

HE SIGHS

She's the team leader. Be nice to her.

Sick leave is at her discretion.

Oh...

Oh!

SHE GASPS

SHE SNEEZES

I'm sorry. I had to sneeze.

I can't suppress them. I had an aneurysm.

I knew a guy who had one of those. He died.

Death...loneliness...

..fear...

..the anguish we can feel about a life

that hasn't turned out the way we thought it would.

The daily worries about the safety of our children,

the care of our aged, disabled and sick.

-Our feelings of hopelessness...

-Ssh! Girls! Stop it.

How can we live like this?

How can we have so little respect

for our wonderfully complex world?

Answer - we can't.

We need God.

God, who can take the burden from our shoulders.

Go in peace to love and serve the Lord.

-Amen.

-Amen.

Ruby, come play with us! Come on.

How do you do it?

You know...

This?

You...accept Jesus died for you.

Well, I can do that. It's not up to me to say why he died.

And that he's the son of God.

As a metaphor, like God creating the world in seven days, or...

do you actually have to...

believe that he...

I believe he did.

And Jesus died...and rose up?

And heaven? Like it's a...

place...

..where you and I could have a glass of wine?

THEY CHUCKLE

RAUNCHY MUSIC

-HE SWITCHES OFF

-Where's Friday Night Footy?

It's Good Friday.

-So?

-It's like Christmas.

Religious significance.

But...what if you're, like, Jewish or Muslim?

Why can't they have their footy?

HE SIGHS

Well...

"We'll be showing you a series of lap-dance moves

that will help to tone and strengthen your entire body,

especially your thighs, abs and butt."

"We'll be showing you moves that, at the end of the workout,

will form a fantastic, sexy routine, great for fitness or for fun."

METALLIC RATTLING

RATTLING STOPS

DRYER ROARS

WHINE OF DYING POWER SHE SIGHS

DOOR CREAKING

-RUBY CHATTERING In you go.

-Hey, Mum?

Victory! We got storage solutions.

Storage solutions!

CHILDREN CHATTERING DOG BARKING

Why is the power off?

Dryer blew up.

A punishment for using it when it wasn't raining.

HE SIGHS

WOMEN SINGING # We're gonna keep on walking forward

# Keep on walking forward

# Keep on walking forward

# Never turning back

# Never turning back

# We're gonna keep on walking proudly

# Keep on walking proudly...

Shall I do the eggs for the kids?

They had eggs last night. There's leftover chicken in the fridge.

Easter eggs.

-Didn't really get any.

-What about the Easter bunny?

Surely they're old enough to cope without him.

Children their age work in mines.

# We're gonna keep on singing loudly

# Keep on singing loudly

# Keep on singing loudly

# Never turning back

# Never turning back

# We're gonna keep on loving boldly

# Keep on loving boldly

# Keep on loving boldly

# Never turning back #

Kids?

Come on. Hurry up.

Mum, my tooth's really wobbly.

Well, just keep wobbling it.

It's really loose.

-My head's itchy.

-Jesus...

DOG BARKING

THEY GROWL

BIG DOG SNARLS

Get it off! Get it off!

-Get it away!

-Help!

-Are you all right?

-No! I'm not all right!

-Is that your dog?

-No! I'm just trying to help!

-Sorry.

-I'll call the council.

-I'll give you a lift to the vet.

Is she going to be all right?

She's going to be fine.

Now, would you invest in a painting? A horse, perhaps, or a car?

-Where'd you get that?

-New contract caterers have taken over the canteen.

-Bite?

-Is it the church one?

The one that has a burger chain and runs the prisons?

I don't know. It's a hot dog. It comes with mustard and onion.

Tim, you know you're not supposed to be eating near the equipment anyway.

The dog was very big...

with one of those massive heads and jaws.

I rushed to protect my children.

Ho, ho.

-PHONE RINGS

-Customer relations.

I thought it was bigger than that.

-It looks cute.

-Is that the same dog?

I can't do it. I can't be responsible for putting a dog down.

-What if it attacks another puppy?

-What if it was on heat

and just got out that once? What if it's some family's pet?

-What if it attacked a baby?

-We can't kill something

-just in case it does something.

-They're going to kill it?

Well, that's what "putting down" means, Lou.

You don't have to reply.

Well, something happens if you do nothing.

-Tell the truth.

-But what truth?

Well, that Bubblehead's at the vet on a life support we can't afford.

Mum, you told me that Bubblehead would be all right.

Maybe you should've been honest.

My tooth came out.

HE MOANS

SONG: "Mr E's Beautiful Blues" by The Eels

# The smokestack spitting black soot into the sooty sky...

THEY CHEER

OK. We're in front.

We've only got a minute left. Ross? Tell them to maintain possession.

Backwards passes round the outside. Stall. No kicks for goal.

-Come on! Bring it on, Roosters!

-Boys! To me!

Listen! Maintain possession. Small passes.

Don't let them get their hands on it. And no shots for goal.

OK? THEY SHOUT

WHISTLE BLOWING

Let's go!

# The kids flip their lids

# When their ids hear that crazy sound...

Louis! No kicks for goal!

-Pass it back, Louis!

-Kick it backwards!

-Go on!

-THEY SHOUT

Louis! Louis, over here to me!

Good boy!

HORN BLARES Yes!

# Well, I don't know how you take in all the shit you see

# No, don't believe anyone

# And most of all don't believe me

# Goddamn right, it's a beautiful day

# Oh, goddamn right, it's a beautiful day #

They should just play the game. Doesn't matter who wins.

Just cos it doesn't matter to you.

-They worked really hard all season.

-It's the under 12s!

-Louis wanted to win.

-Louis wanted to play the game.

-Using tactics IS the game.

-It's not chess, Ross.

It's a bunch of kids running around a field with a ball, playing.

You're turning into Greg.

Into a man who looks after his family, spends time with his kids?

From three wives that he cheated on like he cheats on his tax.

-How long has it been?

-18 days.

Wow! It's like a record, even for the Tooth Fairy.

I don't think she'd going to come.

-She will.

-It's not like you were ever a blokey bloke.

You haven't fixed the dryer. You can't put this IKEA stuff together.

You burn everything on the barbecue. You're a crap driver,

and now it's all this blokey crap football crap

-instead of fair play!

-Fair play?!

-Yeah!

You know, ever since you started going to church -

What the fuck has church got to do with it?

Margaret sucked you in when you were vulnerable.

-Maybe I needed someone.

-Right. But not me.

Not the bloke who sat by your bed for ten days while you nearly died.

You did die! Did you even think for one second

what that was like for me?

-I was unconscious!

-Oh!

Right! So that means I wasn't really there.

She listens.

I spend my whole life listening, Nat. I do nothing but listen.

And what do you listen to, Ross? Background noise and...

-decibels and...

-SHE SOBS

..whether or not people can sing in tune!

SHE SOBS

Mess everywhere!

-Hi.

-Hi!

I hope you don't mind me... I... You look great!

Um, what do you think? Too much?

-Too much for...

-I've got a date.

-He's a little bit older than that.

-Does he know you're a priest?

Not yet. We've only met for coffee.

But I felt like there was really something...

I like Paul.

The name. It's the apostle. The Beatle.

-Come with me.

-On your date?

Please. Please come. We can say we just bumped into each other.

No. I'll just say I wanted him to meet one of my friends.

What kind of guy would arrange to meet here?

Well, not an epileptic.

I suppose they give heaps back to charity through taxes.

Robbing the poor to give to the poor.

Look, I really should go.

Please stay just till he comes.

We didn't try and cheat, did we, Dad?

No, Louis, we didn't.

There are your friends. Go. Have fun.

Meet you back here at nine.

Can we see that, Dad?

Er... Look, I think we might go visit Uncle Greg.

DOOR BANGING

-Hi.

-Hi!

-What are you buying?

-Auntie Winona thinks we need a new kitchen.

I've no idea why. This one's practically brand new.

A, it's a carbon-neutral nightmare,

B, Adrian can never clean it properly,

and C, I obviously don't get enough sex.

Don't you ever marry an older man, Ruby.

You go for someone who's young and hot,

and who's prepared to lick honey off your toes.

Can't fight with Winona.

All our unencumbered stuff - the house, the blue-chips -

they're in her name. All the high-risk stuff,

the margin lending - that's in my name.

Everything's geared against everything else.

It's so complex. I don't know whether we're winning or losing most of the time.

Capitalism! It's exhausting.

I don't know what God wants for me.

Why does he give me these feelings and...

then not answer my prayers?

I still want to...

..share my life with someone,

as well as God.

I've been trying to pray.

I'm sorry. I just...

can't believe in something having control.

I've tried. Believe me, it would've been so much easier

than "why am I here, what's it all for, who's steering the boat".

Me believing in God is...

-..like you believing in Santa Claus.

-I do believe in Santa Claus.

SHE LAUGHS

Seriously, do you believe I will go to hell if I don't believe in God?

It's not me.

It's what it says in the Bible.

That's what God says.

One more drink?

Have a go!

-Or aren't priests allowed?

-No! It's not...

Well, it's trying to get something for nothing.

Someone has to lose for you to win, so it's not loving your neighbour.

-Isn't faith a gamble?

-No. It's faith.

Go on! I dare you.

See if God punishes us.

Go on! One little push.

There we go!

Oh!

Ooh!

CLATTERING OF COINS CONTINUES

MACHINE MAKES WHINNYING AND "YEE-HAH" SOUNDS

Hey.

Hello.

Having a good night?

I'm just waiting for my friends. They're still in the movie.

Didn't you like it?

What's it about?

Mostly boys kissing girls.

You prefer boys?

-To what?

-To girls.

-Depends.

-On what?

On what you're doing.

Girls aren't as good at football.

Except for Stacey. She's fantastic.

I guess I meant... you know, sexy things.

I don't know.

I... I'm waiting till puberty till I decide.

-How old are you?

-12.

-Oh.

You're a big boy for 12.

So, who do you barrack for?

'Pies.

And he's gone! Holding the ball!

What?

Come on.

Why didn't you like the movie?

It was supposed to be funny.

-You should've rung me.

-I don't have a phone.

Can I get one?

Maybe.

Look, I should've encouraged you to take that shot at goal.

I might've missed.

They might've got the ball, and they might've won.

We won.

Yeah.

Yeah.

SONG: "You Sexy Thing" by Hot Chocolate

Yeah! Oh!

Whoo!

# I believe in miracles

# Where you from

# You sexy thing, you sexy thing, you?

# I believe in miracles

# Where you from

# You sexy thing? #

COINS JINGLE

COINS RATTLE ON FLOOR

SHE GROANS

Mr Burton? You can come through now.

I'm scared I've used up all my luck winning that stupid money.

Can't change anything.

-It is 25,000.

-It'll barely dent the mortgage.

-We've got 38 nit combs.

-HE CHUCKLES

What's Margaret doing with her share?

She gave hers to missionaries in South America.

Well, maybe we should give ours away.

You know, to the...poor kids in Africa.

I don't want to give it to Africa. There are people far richer

having facials, and we've got a big fat mortgage.

And I'd still go to hell.

Because I don't believe in God.

I have no faith.

No belief.

Nothing.

-Neither do I.

-Well, maybe you don't need anything.

No, it's not that. It's just that...

It's just that God isn't my explanation for stuff.

Nerve-racking, isn't it?

I just hope I fit in the machine.

HE LAUGHS

-Well, that's all you can do, isn't it?

-Yeah.

Hope.

Guess what!

I... I was just upstairs.

Guess who they've made redundant!

Me.

Howard!

And guess who they asked to take over his job as supervisor!

Me!

CROWD CHEERING

COMMENTARY

Dad!

-Hey! How are you? You had a good day?

-Yeah.

-How are you, Chloe?

-Good!

Bloody traffic! Can I use your phone?

Oh, mate, are you OK?

We did it.

We're in the final.

I wasn't even wearing my lucky beanie, or my socks.

THEY CHEER

-PHONE RINGS

-Oh, God!

Hello! I'm sorry. I lost my phone. I'm just picking up the kids now.

-Are you still at the doctor's?

-Do you want to hear the good news or the good news?

He said that, apart from my emotional retardation,

everything is fine!

I wouldn't call it emotional retardation.

No? What would you call it?

-"Gifted?"

-You are.

Emotionally gifted.

Shall I pick you up?

Um... No, no, no. I'm on the bus. I'll see you when I get home.

OK?

-"Bye."

-Bye. Love you.

-"Love you t-"...

HE CHUCKLES

For an event champagne, you can pay thousands.

The best one we've got here is the Jacquesson, which is 330.

Whoo!

Is it three times better than that one?

No. They go up by smaller and smaller degrees,

and sometimes not at all, but, um... it's the emotion you're buying.

-The declaration.

-Um...

I'll...take that one.

30. Nice.

DOOR CREAKS

-SHE HUMS

-Whoa!

-SHE LAUGHS

-Bugger! There goes my surprise!

Sorry.

THEY LAUGH

-Happy early birthday.

-Mmm!

And...

..I got you a cow in Sri Lanka,

so you'd have two.

SHE LAUGHS

-Where are the kids?

-They're at Greg's.