Smart People

This film contains strong language.

Good morning. Because it's important we all get to know one another,

I would like you to wear these.

I've taken two other courses from you, this year,

-and you still don't know what my name is, do you?

-I do.

What is it?

-Miss Chin -

-You just looked.

SIGHS

The Price of Postmodernism: Epistemology and the Literary Canon.

I have never had to wait this long for a response from a publisher.

-"He said it's unpublishable."

-He said that?

-"Yes."

Leave a message... to call me.

We may think him a curmudgeon and see his Key to All Mythologies

as a monument to pedantry but she sees him as the embodiment of virtue.

For next time, read Maud.

All of it.

LAUGHTER

ALL LAUGH

What are you doing?

Um, there was a paper jam in the Xerox machine.

-Aren't you happy to see your brother, Lawrence?

-Adopted brother.

How's the, er, kitchen-knife sales?

-Or was it aluminium siding? How's that going?

-Calling cards.

It's, er, all kinds of great deals, domestic and foreign.

We just added the tiny island nation of Haiti. It's a gold mine.

I'm glad to see that you're doing meaningful work.

Um, Lawrence, listen, I wanted to ask a favour

-but it's -

-Not again, please.

I loaned you 1200 the last time that you showed up, two years ago,

and before that it was another 600.

Whatever it is that you're asking... the answer is no.

I love you.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Hey, I'm sorry to bother you, but do you have a moment

-to discuss Casaubon? Do you -

-My office hours are over.

The sign says they're till five.

-OK, but my watch says it's -

-That is official university time.

My watch, it gets information by satellite

and it's... accurate to one millionth of a second.

Take it up with maintenance. Their offices are behind the stadium.

Of course, they close at five. Good luck to you.

-Good evening.

-Hey, Dad.

We need to discuss something.

What is Gibraltar's? I've underlined over 300 worth of items

-you charged there last month.

-It's an art book store.

I'm taking art history and the books are expensive.

-I didn't know you wrote poetry.

-Well, there's a lot you don't know.

Shit!

I need my car.

MUSIC BLARES FROM HEADSET I need my car.

I'm gonna need to see your receipt from campus security.

Davidson will take care of it on Monday.

I have an arrangement with him.

I can't give you your car without a receipt.

-I said Davidson will take care of it.

-You don't remember me.

-I took your Victorian poetry class last spring.

-Yes.

-You gave me a D.

-I remember.

-Ben Onufrey.

-Ben... Onufrey.

-No receipt, no vehicle.

I can see that you take your job very seriously,

so how about that I offer you... 20 for your trouble?

According to rule 17-B in the Carnegie Mellon University

-Traffic Citation Manual -

-Listen, you little shit, I need my briefcase.

-Now stop your babbling and let me in.

-The only way you'll get in there

is if you pay the fine and bring me the receipt,

at which point, this "little sh"...

ATMOSPHERIC ALTERNATIVE-ROCK MUSIC

Oh!

Hey!

GRUNTS

Spend less time memorising parking manuals

and more time being alert!

SNORES

-Mr Wetherhold, I need you to wake up.

-MUTTERS

-Mr Wetherhold, I need you to wake up.

-I was just resting my eyes.

-Have you suffered seizures before?

-Before what?

Before tonight. You suffered a trauma-induced seizure earlier.

-Do you know what day of the week it is?

-Yes.

-Well?

-Well, what?

You always this contentious or is it the result of the head trauma?

I prefer language to be precise.

Well, then, you should have said, "I prefer precise language,"

not, "I prefer language to be precise."

I'm thirsty. Would you...?

You need to stay overnight for observation.

I need to make a phone call.

-He recognise you?

-No.

-Well, you have aged.

-Shut up.

He told me my language was imprecise.

Was it? Imprecise?

PHONE RINGS

-Hello?

-"Hi, may I please speak with Mrs Wetherhold?"

PHONE RINGS

I'm sorry, I'm not interested.

"May I please speak to Mrs Wetherhold?"

She's been dead for many years.

Whatever it is you're peddling, I'm not interested.

"I'm calling about your father."

"He's not home. Take us off your calling list."

No, he's here in the ER. He's had an accident.

-Is he OK?

-"He's fine."

He suffered a concussion and a trauma-induced seizure.

I'm sure your father would love to see you.

You know, I'm taking the SAT tomorrow

and it is ten o'clock right now,

which means I have one more hour to practise before bed.

Head injuries are often more severe than they initially appear.

-And your point?

-Well, I would hate for you to regret

not visiting your father in the hospital.

I appreciate the tip, Dr Phil.

-Little bitch.

-Bitch.

-Tetanus shot.

-SIGHS

What happened to my car? It was... in the impoundment lot.

-I imagine it's still there.

-If anyone asks, I was mugged.

-I'm not gonna lie for you. Roll over.

-Just be vague.

-WINCES

-That's good.

There you go. That was well done.

LIFT BELL PINGS

-How nice of you to come.

-So, what happened to your head?

A big guy chased me. I climbed a fence.

-It's all a blur.

-Great, so now, if I don't get the perfect score,

at least I have someone to blame.

Your adopted brother, Chuck, called.

He left a bunch of messages but I heard his voice

-and deleted them all.

-Yes, he showed up at the office today.

Oh! It was so nice of you to come. I'm Doctor Hartigan.

Call your brother. Tell him to get my car out of the impound lot

-and to have it here at 9am sharp.

-Excuse me. No, you do that.

Because of the seizure, you can't legally drive for six months.

-I have to report it to the DMV.

-No, just don't report it.

I'm not being your chauffeur for six months!

These times are crucial. Young Republicans.

-Model UN. National Honor Society.

-I will hire a driver on Monday.

The insurance company will pay for it.

If you need anything, have one of the nurses page me. OK?

Now go home, get some sleep and you'll get that perfect SAT score.

-That's what I've been trying to do.

-Mercurial.

I learned that word in the fifth grade.

-Fecundity.

-English is my first language.

-Uxorious.

-That's appropriately obscure.

-Mind you, I know it - overly fond of one's wife.

-That's my girl.

I have a good one - eft.

Let me ponder.

Short in stature. Diminutive.

No, sorry, eft is a young newt.

They rarely put nouns on the SAT.

-You knew that word, right?

-Of course. A young newt.

I don't understand why you had to check out so early.

-I only get one Saturday morning per week, you know.

-Cry me a river.

Get off it, James.

Why'd you try to jump the fence, anyway?

-Where did you hear about the fence?

-Two people from school told me.

Can you move to the passenger seat?

-I doubt that sitting on the right makes you sick.

-If I vomit,

we'll both look stupid.

I remember when Mom used to drop me off at kindergarten.

You sat in the passenger seat then.

TV CHATTER

What the hell are you doing here?

-Watching a documentary on snow apes.

-Hey, man.

-Hey, Jim.

-Good to see you, Chuck.

-You look like you had another growth spurt.

-I don't think so.

Not since I saw you last.

I would like an explanation. Why are you here?

Vanessa said that you couldn't drive for six months,

so I'm here to help.

He's pretty sure he's gonna move in and be your driver.

I think I got the perfect score. There was one tricky math one -

Did it ever occur to you that I might not want you to drive me,

let alone move in?

It did occur to me but... Vanessa spoke to the insurance company

and they're not going to pay for a chauffeur.

I wrote a letter of complaint and I wrote a request for an appeal,

so if I could get your signature, I will fax it.

I'm a little low on cash right now.

I can't really afford to get my own apartment,

so it's kind of a win-win situation.

No, it's not a win-win situation.

It might be if you were even vaguely reliable... but you're not.

-There's a spare room upstairs. There's linens and towels -

-Ssh!

Thank you, Jim.

Do you even have a valid driver's licence?

SNIFFS

I need a ride to campus.

-I will see you downstairs in five minutes.

-You got it.

GROANS / COUGHS

ENGINE REVS Oh!

Make a left.

We need someone with a national scholarly reputation

-and strong leadership experience.

-Well, thank you, Martin.

-I am honoured to serve in the position.

-You heard?

-CHUCKLES Word travels fast.

-Usually it's a pain in the butt

to find someone to chair the search committee.

I thought we were hiring from within the department.

Well, everyone else is so busy this semester,

delivering papers, publishing.

Have you read what they're publishing? Most of it's garbage.

-That's not very collegial.

-Neither is forcing me

to chair this search committee.

-I am busy, too.

-When was the last time you attended

-a department meeting?

-When was the last time

-there was anything worth discussing?

-I need you to do this.

Bon appetit, Martin.

Now that Roth has forced me to chair the committee, I can't very well

-nominate myself.

-You should've had that position eight years ago.

-That was a travesty if I ever saw one.

-You were nine at the time.

I will tell Roth that this injury is too much

and it precludes me from heading the committee.

Why do you wanna be head of the department?

You don't like the professors or any of your students.

There was a time when students were passionate about literature.

Today's students are only passionate about getting As.

Dick Cheney!

His daughter is a lesbian

and while her partner is considered to be "one of the family",

they never allowed her on stage during the campaign.

OK, well, the point is, in 2000, Cheney was the chair

of Bush's vice-presidential search committee.

You know, he nominated himself.

Nominating myself? It seems rather unethical.

It's the democratic process.

If it can work for the Vice President of America,

it can work for you.

I wanted to call you all together, one last time,

before we were into exams. We've received over 200 applications.

Fewer than ten of the applications merit serious consideration.

-Based on what criteria?

-The criteria

listed in the official university bylaws on faculty hires.

When we did this before, we spent a few sessions

devising a rubric for candidate evaluations,

one based on more humanistic ideals.

LOUD TEARING / CRUNCHING OF PAPER

A few applicants forgot to include copies

-of their student evaluations.

-I find the evaluations

that students write about me utterly useless.

It's mostly just speculation about my sexuality.

-Try not to blink.

-This is, er, rather uncomfortable.

OK. We're set, Mr Wetherhold.

How come my follow-up wasn't with Dr Hartigan?

Because she's the head of the ER, not a neurologist like myself.

You know, she's gonna kill me for saying this

but, um... she used to be a student of yours, years ago.

Oh, I've had lots of students.

I think she had a schoolgirl crush, in effect.

Oh, she did, did she?

-Are we done?

-Yeah.

Pleasure(!)

-Yeah, still around.

-Here you go, miss.

-Hi.

How's your head? Did you see Dr Strouse yet?

Yes, everything is fine.

I, er, figured it out. You were my student.

Um, you must forgive me for not remembering the other night

when they brought me into the ER.

-Did you lose weight?

-No, not at all.

Same weight.

Night.

-What are you doing?

-Are these your mom's?

Don't get mayonnaise on them!

You should really make your bed. It sets the tone for the day.

How do you know what tone I wanted to set?

Don't you think it's kind of... weird

-to keep dead people's clothes lying around?

-Yes.

Dad's been saving them. It's really not a good thing for him.

If we donate them to Goodwill, we get a tax write-off...

..which is great.

You're a monster.

-May I give you a ride home?

-Er, no, thank you.

My adopted brother is supposed to... pick me up.

Are you sure? It's pretty cold.

-OK, thank you.

-Here...

POIGNANT SONG, FEMALE VOCALIST

-Don't forget the tax receipt.

-Right.

You know, you can sit up front if you want.

Oh, that's OK. I'm fine.

I get, er... nauseated

if I ride on the... right-hand side of the car.

Dr Strouse said I was fine

and I was wondering if you could call the DMV

and have them repeal my driving restriction.

That's not how it works.

-SIGHS

-So, er, what are you teaching this semester?

I'm teaching two sections on the Victorians.

-Do you like the Victorians?

-I used to.

-The Victorian novel, huh?

-Hmmm.

Wow, how many times can you read Bleak House?

You never tire of Bleak House.

-I can always find something new to say about it.

-Mm.

Don't you have anything better to do?

SIGHS

You need to relax.

No, you need to relax. I need to study.

-SNIFFS

-Great, I'm in an after-school special.

-Your dad used to smoke when he was in grad school.

-Oh, yeah?

He was too scared to buy it, so I would have to do it for him.

They called him Hookah Larry.

Look, your pathetic attempts to manipulate me,

they're never going to work.

SPEAKS SPANISH, ENTICINGLY, ABOUT MARIJUANA

CONTINUES SPEAKING SPANISH

Oh, Jesus.

CONTINUES SPEAKING SPANISH

LAUGHS OK... shut up and give it to me.

If this gives me brain damage... I will kill you.

Lupita is crying over Pedro,

who is being abused by Manuel.

She's gonna leave Manuel, you know, he's such a machismo,

and, er... she's gonna move in with Diego.

-He's really handsome and built.

-CHUCKLES

If your Spanish were better, you would see all of that.

-Thank you for driving me.

-Oh, you're welcome.

This is your house, right?

Yes.

Shit. Wait!

Wait! Wait! Er...

CHUCKLES I forgot this.

Er, would you like to have

a face-to-face... conversation sometime?

Er, we could finish our discussion of Victorian literature.

We weren't really having a conversation

about Victorian literature.

I suppose I'd have to drive.

I hadn't thought of that.

How about Friday night at 7:30 for a face-to-face conversation?

That would work.

OK, bye.

FRONT DOOR CLICKS SHUT

SNIFFS

Smell something burning?

Maybe, er... cannabis?

Are you mad?

I waited outside the, er, medical centre for, er, aeons.

Where were you?

Helping Vanessa with her Spanish.

Lost track of time, sorry.

Where'd you get that?

-The closet.

-I told him Wellesley was a women's college.

-That's Caroline's sweatshirt.

-That, too. I told him that, too.

I told him... it was Mom's sweatshirt.

Take it off, please. Did it ever occur to you

that I might be saving that sweatshirt? Hm?

Please don't rip it. SIGHS

(I think he may have smelled the pot.)

"I told him Wellesley was a women's college"?

God, what a narc!

SIGHS

# "Flow" - Nuno Bettencourt

You know, we didn't just donate her clothes on a whim,

we did it for your psychological wellbeing.

Will you wait in the car?

Let's see, "Professor Wetherhold is a conceited dickhead,"

"An asshole," "Unfair..." Oh, here's one!

-What does it say?

-"Professor Wetherhold is knowledgeable

but he doesn't impart that knowledge to his students."

"He barked information and then complained

when our papers did not measure up to his bizarre standards."

I'll dig deeper.

Hey, can we go to the mall tonight instead of this afternoon?

-There's, like, three games I wanna watch.

-I can't go tonight.

-Why's that?

-I'm busy.

Yeah, busy with what? I gotta go to the mall.

-I have an appointment.

-Really?

-Yes.

-With who?

-With none of your business.

-An appointment with whom?

-None of your business.

-I just want to know! God!

Dr Hartigan.

-I knew it.

-Good work. You spend 50 on dinner,

that's grounds for intercourse with "none of your business".

Dad, if there are any romantic inklings, you're simply not ready.

I mean, the sociosexual mores have really shifted.

-And, look, let's not forget the stigma attached to widowers.

-SIGHS

Widowers. At some point, the statute of limitations

-has gotta run out on that.

-We're not talking about this any more.

Don't freak out and sabotage it

-like you always do.

-I don't always freak out and sabotage it.

This hospital is littered with men you've left in your wake.

And with men you've left in your wake.

-What are you doing?

-"Nothing."

Nothing. I'm just reading something. I'll call you back, OK?

POIGNANT SONG, FEMALE VOCALIST

-Hi.

-Hi, there.

-How are you?

-What are you doing here?

-Excuse me?

He's kind of a fragile guy.

-You know, he's not ready for this.

-He's fragile?

-What do you mean?

-You know what? It's quite predatory, actually.

Have you forgotten about the Hippocratic oath you took,

about not fucking your patients?

-Your father's no longer my patient.

-Oh.

We respond to literary texts

using precisely the same fundamental interpretive categories

as authors and poets use to create them,

so there's no need to posit any kind of unstable ontology

or ruptured consciousness. Are you following me?

-Yeah, I -

-Any coffee? Desserts?

-Yeah...

-It's too late for coffee. I'll tell you what.

One piece of chocolate cake and two... forks, two plates.

-So no-one...

-Thank you.

..has ever looked at this process of cultural criticism through the -

45 minutes.

Excuse me?

45 minutes. That's how long it's been since I've uttered a word.

I mean, do you even know where I'm from?

Where I live? Anything about my family? What kind of day did I have?

Well, if you actually did wanna know,

um, I was having a great day until about, um, 30 minutes ago

when I realised you weren't gonna shut up. In fact,

you... actually gave me a C in your course.

You said my paper was sophomoric. I was a freshman.

That's not what sophomoric means.

I know. I know that. The other night when I drove you home,

I thought I saw a different side of you

but now I'm back to thinking you're the same pompous windbag

who made me switch my major

-from English to Biology.

-Well, certainly an established physician

is not harbouring resentment for a grade she received

-more than ten years ago.

-This was a mistake.

Your daughter was right.

Thank you. It's probably better if you get a cab home.

I take it, by your presence here at 8:45, you did not get laid.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Come in, unless it's Chuck.

-I'm back.

-Thank God.

This is a good-sized room.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure you've been in here before.

Do you think I'm self-absorbed?

Well, I think self-absorption's underrated.

I think everyone needs some compassion,

some... capacity for sympathy, empathy.

Right?

Dad, Theresa Sternbridge practically runs a soup kitchen

and she's always seen posing in photos with crack babies

and dying, old, crusty ladies. And do you know why?

She scored in the... 45th percentile on her SAT.

People like you and me don't need to compensate.

I'm glad you're home early. That physician wasn't good for you.

Too young and... kind of uncultured,

like oh so many in the medical profession.

Oh, I thought of the perfect new title for your book!

Right?

-Good night.

-Bonsoir.

# "Flow" - Nuno Bettencourt

# Where is the narrator in my life?

# Maybe he doesn't know

# Where I've fled

# Running through the city in my head

# I shed

# regret

# I shed

# regret #

SHRIEKS EXCITEDLY

What are you doing here?

-That gurney was sterile.

-I re-read your... essay

and, er... at first I considered giving it a higher grade

but then I decided that the... the C should stick.

Do you honestly think I care about a grade I received in college?

I admit that the paper, as you originally wrote,

"lacks a clear focus and rambles like a bad folk song"

but I read it again the other day and its thesis is quite good.

I should've been more diplomatic and less pompous as your professor

-and as your dinner date.

-True.

-I'm out of practice.

-What, usually you're better

-at masking your pomposity?

-Could... could we give this,

um... face-to-face conversation one more try?

Um... I haven't been on a date in a while.

I'd have to drive again, I suppose.

Merry Christmas!

CRANKS ENGINE

Fuck!

It was clever of you to reserve the same table.

Well, I wanted to, er, make sure that I had an authentic second chance.

Would you like to start with some wine?

Um, well, I'm on call tonight, so I can't drink.

-You're on call?

-Yeah.

-So this date may end at any moment?

-Well, if I'm paged, yes.

-I can come back.

-No, no, it's OK. I will have the lobster,

-the house salad and house dressing on the side, please.

-Sir?

Oh, yes, the clock is ticking. I'm going to have the cod

and... house salad, house dressing on the side.

I'm sorry I called you an arrogant windbag the other night.

-You called me a pompous windbag.

-LAUGHS

So have you heard from any of the publishers about your book?

Um, did you... ever tell me where you're from?

-Well, how long ago did you send it?

-A few weeks ago.

-Oh.

What did your parents do?

-What are you doing?

-What do you mean?

-I'm asking you about the book.

-Yes, and I'm not taking the bait, am I?

Come on, I'm interested in the book.

It's... been rejected by a few publishers.

Actually, it's been rejected by everyone, so...

Rejection is tough.

It can scar you for life. But you can rewrite it.

-You can, you know, send it out again, can't you?

-SIGHS

It's about time!

"Stem cell research: the wrong choice."

That's some real riveting shit. You Young Republicans

-really know how to party. Bet you guys are fun(!)

-I have fun.

You're at a Hitler Youth Rally the first night of Christmas break.

-My fun is a little more cerebral than yours.

-Come on.

When was the last time you did something bad? Or subversive?

Like a normal teenager.

-Do you know what you're doing?

-CRACKLING

-Jesus!

I bet you never cheated or stole anything. Or jaywalked.

Well, I've smoked pot with my, er, perverted uncle.

OK, that was because I coerced you.

You didn't do that of your own volition.

-You're in jeopardy of becoming a 17-year-old robot.

-OK, shut up,

cos you really don't know me.

I actually got accepted to Stanford two weeks ago.

Really? But Carnegie Mellon is free for you

and Stanford's, I don't know, 600, 700 a year.

40 grand, actually.

Well, your father is gonna kill you

but, for the time being, I'm filled with pride.

Come on, little mermaid, let's go celebrate.

ALL CHATTER

Think older, you'll appear older.

I want you to grab that table. I'm gonna get a pitcher of beer.

# "Rush You" - The Baby Animals

Keep your eye out, there's a guy over there

-that used to be a woman.

-Out on the town with Grandpa?

-Fuck off.

-Those seem like nice girls(!)

That's disgusting.

That is disgusting.

-You must miss your wife.

-Mm.

-Sorry, I shouldn't be so direct.

-If... my wife, Caroline,

were here right now, she would be telling me to stop pitying myself.

She was, um, a lovely, funny, intelligent woman

and she'd want you to know it,

but she'd also advise me not to talk about my dead wife

on a date with a... beautiful woman.

And she'd be wondering

when I was going to get around to... kissing you.

# "Rush You" - The Baby Animals

What is it like...

-..bein' stupid?

-What's it like sitting alone at lunch every day?

It sucks.

-Come with me.

-GIGGLES

I'm, er... not used to condoms

-but I thought it... went OK.

-CHUCKLES

Very nice.

-Yeah.

-Cos... I just don't wanna blow it with you.

Do you have any plans for Christmas?

-Will you excuse me for a minute?

-Mm.

Cos my daughter, Vanessa, makes quite a spread.

SIGHS

# "Stitch" - The Baby Animals

I was just paged.

I haven't been up this late in years.

-(SLURS) Linsey hates me, you know?

-Mm-hm.

Brooke hates me. Everybody hates me.

Well, if you tell people they're stupid,

they'll usually hate you.

And I wasn't, like,

completely congenial when you first... came.

-Yeah, you're right.

-But you like me now.

I like you now. Oh!

Vanessa...

..come on!

You're adopted.

It's not like it's... biblical.

You just wanna fuck that trashy waitress.

That's none of your business.

-You're drunk and you're 17 and you're my niece.

-MUMBLES

Great idea, giving you beer.

Come on.

-Hey, you!

-Are you drunk?

-Did you get her drunk?

-No.

-She seems drunk.

-She's drunk.

-How was your date?

-You're a giant toddler.

Mom and Dad did you absolutely no favours

allowing you to become the immature scam artist that you are.

POIGNANT SONG, FEMALE VOCALIST

Oh, Vanessa, did anyone call me today?

Um... Oh, yeah, yeah! Yeah, a telemarketer.

It was a man. You're acting very desperate.

-I got it.

-SIGHS

Will you stop avoiding me? I was drunk.

I'm not avoiding you,

I just... need some time alone, please.

Thank you.

Er, hi, Janet. Sorry to leave you yet another message

but I realised that you may not have my phone number

and that's why you haven't called me back.

"My number is 412-155..."

CONTINUES TALKING

SIGHS

Didn't you prove that you can't hold your alcohol?

I'm having one glass, moron.

And I chose this Beaujolais specifically to go with the ham.

Neither of you is old enough to be drinking.

Dude...

-Let's get drunk.

-I need something to wash down this rubber ham.

Actually, I downloaded the recipe from the Internet.

I translated it from Old French.

It dates all the way back to Louis XIV and he was the one

that actually decided dishes should be served in courses

because before that it was served as this big pile of food and -

Maybe you messed up the translation and that's why it tastes burnt.

-If you'd like, I could jam that up your ass for you.

-That's enough.

Enough.

-Well, this is... cheerful(!)

-Shut up.

-DOORBELL CHIMES

-Who... would think

to interrupt this perfect Christmas dinner?

-Hi.

-Hi.

-You're the doctor girlfriend, right?

-You're the adopted brother, right?

Well, you don't appear to be boring.

Well, you've just met me. For all you know, I'm boring.

You've presented yourself here uninvited and unannounced

for Christmas dinner. That is not boring.

-And the cake?

-CHUCKLES

-Lexotonin? That's an antidepressant.

-I stole it from the break room.

-Am I interrupting anything?

-No, welcome.

We could use a little antivenom in the snake pit.

-Thank you very much. Move along, thank you.

-Hi.

-Hi. Merry Christmas.

-Merry Christmas.

BOTH CHATTER

The woman brought a cake.

Hello.

-Vanessa!

-I'm getting the physician a plate!

Thank you.

My, what a generous portion.

-Enjoy.

-Vanessa is the perfect little housewife. I mean, daughter.

If by perfect you mean not retarded/suffering from

insurmountable credit-card debt, then, yes, I am indeed perfect.

Would you two please stop bickering?

These children haven't been properly parented in years,

that's why I was brought in, to ensure they don't kill each other.

-Merry Christmas.

-LAUGHS

Please.

"So much depends upon a red wheelbarrow"...

William Carlos Williams.

-He was a physician.

-Yes, I know that.

Many considered him to be an imagist but he was more of a modernist,

eschewing the poetic traditions of Europe

in favour of celebrating everyday circumstances.

But I digress and, er...

I like suburban Pittsburgh for Christmas.

Yes, it's really glamorous.

You're in the... Paris of Western Pennsylvania.

I'm really glad that you stopped by.

I just saw Dad and the physician kissing. I am going to puke.

Why does physical affection bother you so much?

It doesn't, actually.

-You're not the only one who deserves to have fun.

-What's your point?

-I saw you both at Gibraltar's. Drunk.

-I saw you, too.

I saw you, too, man. Bravo!

I am proud that we whittled it down to these three so quickly.

-I have another candidate in mind.

-Who?

-Me.

-Can you apply? You're... you're the chair of the committee.

Yes, I am permitted to apply.

It's well within Carnegie Mellon's ethical codes of conduct.

It's... part of the democratic process.

Ticktock.

BOTH CHATTER

When I come back, you better have a word on that board.

PHONE RINGS

Vanessa, this phone is for emergencies only.

I didn't want to call you at her apartment, I just...

Are you coming home for dinner? Because Chuck's gone

-and I'm the only one here.

-I'm eating here tonight.

Well, that's just... fantastic.

What am I supposed to do with the beef stroganoff I made

and the garlic whipped potatoes?

(I'm going to be home in a few hours. Could you save me a little bit?)

"Just a plate..."

PHONE RINGS

This is Lawrence Wetherhold.

-Um, who is this?

-"This is Deb Rosenblatt from the Penguin Group."

"Mr Bloomberg liked your manuscript and would like to meet you."

Well... it is a very interesting concept, isn't it?

STAPLE GUN CLICKS

Yeah, I always wondered who littered the world with those.

-Where have you been? I haven't seen you all week.

-I've been busy.

I don't want you to feel uncomfortable around me, OK?

I completely respect your homosexuality

and I will refrain from any further untoward advances.

Truth be told, I've started dating someone. Someone my own age.

What's his name?

-STAPLE GUN CLICKS

-Her name...

..is none of your business.

I will be staying at HER apartment a couple of nights a week.

So, does she know you're gay?

I don't think that you and I should be hanging out as much.

Well, that's just... it's idiotic.

I mean, who am I supposed to hang out with?

I just think that we both need to... you know, get a life.

My life begins when I set foot in California next fall.

-The cab was 9.

-Well, I'll pay you back.

Well...

-..they're publishing my book.

-What?!

-Who the fuck's gonna read that?

-Bloomberg. I knew it.

I so knew it! Well, when are we gonna meet with them?

Er, you have school, so I'm... I'm taking Janet

and... flying to New York on... Monday.

You have school.

SIGHS

So, I sort of met somebody. I was kind of hoping

you could float me some greenbacks to get my own apartment.

SIGHS You know, more and more, I'm getting used to you.

I need you here,

so... no.

There was a twinkle of humanity in there.

# Gonna tell you all a story

# About a girl who's just informed me

# That all she needs to love me

# Is a quiet peaceful day

# She don't need no shiny diamonds

# Or a fancy car to drive in

# She just needs me there beside her

# On a quiet peaceful day

# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah... #

It's almost ten. I need to leave.

Good luck. Knock 'em dead.

Does this suit make me look too eager?

How can a suit make anyone look too eager?

-Wish me luck.

-I just did. Go already.

You're starting to make me nervous. Goodbye.

CHUCKLES

At first, I thought it was the driest piece of shit ever...

-What?

-..till I got to the third section, where I noticed

a certain marketable tone -

the surly, smarter-than-thou asshole tone.

People love to hate books like this. NPR will attack the book

-and you'll be defending yourself on Charlie Rose.

-That's...

-..not the point of the book.

-I understand your hesitancy

but when was the last time a senior editor edited, actually edited?

We spent the entire staff meeting last week talking about it.

The marketing guys and two junior editors loved it. It's like

the book itself is a fucking bully.

You Can't Read.

You Can't Read.

Brilliant!

Shit.

-SWITCHES TV OFF Hey.

-Hi.

Well, how'd it go?

Great. They loved me over there.

It's going to be a very important book.

Well, you seem happy. Wait, wait, wait.

-Don't open that yet. What did he say about the book?

-Well,

they've edited it, er, significantly but it's much better.

It's intelligent but very contrary, powerful and inflammatory.

It's...

Well, how much did they edit it?

Well, Penguin has, er... they've edited thousands of books

and there comes a time when you have to let the experts be experts.

-And are you honestly OK with the changes?

-Well, er,

Bloomberg wants to, er... take us out to dinner.

But I thought you and I were going out for a quiet dinner tonight.

They wanna take us out. It's... You know, he's my editor.

And I'm your, um...

I don't know. What am I to you?

Well, for lack of a better term, you're my girlfriend.

No, what am I to you? Not just a term.

You're, um... everything

that a... girlfriend is.

You can't answer, can you?

-Hmmm.

-Er... SPLUTTERS

Please, would you just get ready for dinner?

No, I actually don't feel that well.

I couldn't go out tonight, anyways. You should go.

I'm gonna be fine.

You'd think their parents would control them.

They've probably been on a plane for hours.

They should run around. Your book's not published yet,

you don't have to act like a complete misanthrope.

What is with you? You're like a different person.

No, I'm the same person, I've just noticed a few things.

I can't win. Call me a grouch, I just think that it's wrong

to let kids run around an airport unsupervised.

When you have children, you'll understand.

This isn't about unsupervised kids at an airport and you know it.

Excuse me. Sorry.

You don't seem interested in anything other than your book

or becoming head of the department. Why don't you ask?

OK.

What the hell's your problem?

I don't wanna talk about it right now.

I have it.

You don't seem... very happy.

I'm not happy, not even close.

# "You Still Need Me" - The Baby Animals

So, oh, I put some flowers on Mom's grave.

Like, just a dozen or so pink and white roses.

You kinda owe me 64.

SIGHS The 17th. I'm sorry.

No, it's... You know, it's not like Mom knew you weren't there.

Besides, I'm a big girl. I can... handle it.

How are you?

Maybe this weekend you and I could go ice skating like we used to.

Dad, you just got a huge book deal

and the head of the department is yours for the taking

and everything's kind of perfect for you,

so don't screw everything up, OK?

You know, I read in Cosmopolitan that it takes

about half the time you date someone to get over them.

And, what, you've dated Janet for just a few months?

-You read Cosmopolitan?

-I glance at it.

Like, at the supermarket, if the line's particularly long.

You know that physician?

She's just a rebound relationship, that's all.

A rebound from what?

From Mom.

Lawrence, congratulations on your book deal.

-Thank you.

-And James' poem being accepted by The New Yorker.

With his book, it may seem like bringing the other candidates

to campus is a waste of time but, um, we have to.

-What about his recommendation letter?

-Lawrence,

-tell us about your book.

-It's an examination of critical theory

from the standpoint that every school of criticism has failed us. I...

SIGHS

SIGHS It's...

Penguin Group seems to like it.

-MOANS

-KNOCK AT DOOR

Shit!

Er... I heard about The New Yorker.

Why didn't you tell me about the poem? I... I need to read it.

You need to read it? Now that I sold a poem to The New Yorker,

-I'm suddenly worthy of your attention?

-What's wrong with

a father wanting to hear about his son's success?

What are those doing here?

-He left those here last night.

-Are you working for him?

-No.

He left it here last night. He left his sweater, too. Hold on.

I thought that Chuck was staying at his girlfriend's.

He doesn't have a girlfriend.

He stays here a few nights every week to get away from you guys.

You have no idea what's going on, do you?

How's your head? Douchebag.

So, dinner will be ready at eight, if you're around.

Those jeans look really great.

And... they're really snug in all the right areas.

Don't say things like that to me.

-Why? I'm just...

-Just don't.

'So what is the lotus?'

Homer calls it a "honey-sweet fruit"

but for Tennyson it's not just a drug, is it?

It symbolises a desire for rest and death.

-What does it inspire in them?

-They're tired, they can't take it any more.

The lotus is about the possibility of oblivion.

What your CliffsNotes may not have mentioned is that

the eating of the lotus occasions a song.

-I didn't use CliffsNotes.

-You used SparkNotes. I read them, too.

-Where did their singing lead them?

-Singing lets them

imagine their way out of their misery.

'Since they can't go home, they sing of home

as the place where all the suffering is.'

The song becomes the doleful music of the miserable world

they no longer occupy, then... they just sit around

listening to it, drinking nectar and stuff.

Hey, Lawrence, got a minute? Can I read you something?

"In all my years of schooling, I've never encountered a professor

as deeply passionate about his subject as Professor Wetherhold was

back when I took his Victorian-novel course as a freshman."

"He helped us become strong, close readers and critical writers,

skills I've brought to my study of medicine. Janet Hartigan, MD."

Professor Wetherhold, I have a simple question.

Why do you wanna be head of the English department?

I've been thinking about that quite a bit lately.

How do you plan on rectifying

the systematic subjugation of women in this institution?

Oh, Julia, I haven't even vaguely considered that, nor do I plan to.

SIGHS You know what? None of you like me

and I don't blame you. I would make a lousy head of the department.

What this department needs is someone who likes to manage people,

who can make small talk and that's... I can't do that.

That's not me. I... I can't do it.

Sorry I wasted your time.

I'll just... stick to teaching for now.

-SHOUTING

-SIGHS

So, where's your girlfriend?

-Been hiding out here?

-Bye!

-See you, Chelsea.

-Can we talk?

Everyone in my life is going crazy.

You're the one that's crazy. And socially retarded.

You're the middle-aged man who was just hosting a college beer bash.

You know, Vanessa's becoming an android.

A scary clone, no friends,

too scared to be anything else. Just like you.

And you constantly take her for granted.

I do not take her for granted. I am continually impressed by her.

Did you know she was going to Stanford?

Early acceptance, last November.

-Why didn't she tell me?

-Why does she have to?

Why don't you ask?

-You drove the hot doctor out of your life.

-She left me.

Er, she can't handle my success. We're just not compatible.

You have the IQ of a dumb-ass ant.

-SIGHS

-But you know what? Maybe it's not gonna be so bad.

Vanessa's going away in the fall.

It'll just be the two of us, the Wetherhold bachelors -

middle-aged, can't get along with women, should be gay.

What are you doing here?

If you've come to tell me I can't go to Stanford, forget it.

I don't care if it's free,

I'm not going to the same school as James.

He sold a poem to The New Yorker.

-Even cretins win the lottery sometimes.

-SIGHS

I, er... won't be head of the department.

-I pulled myself out of the search.

-Insane!

-What are you trying to do to me?

-Just relax.

My book, that dumbed-down, gimmicky travesty of scholarship,

will pay for Stanford.

Satisfied?

What's going on between you and Chuck?

Nothing.

It's just... miscommunication.

A simple case of... middle-aged loser

trying to seduce his MUCH younger, bound-for-success niece.

I don't think you're very happy, Vanessa.

Well, you're not happy...

..and you're my role model.

KNOCK AT DOOR

You know what? I've had a monumentally shitty day.

You hate me. I get it. End of discussion.

I don't hate you.

You know what? I don't really get it. I don't get

that you spend the first few months trying to win me over,

which you do, and then make up some fake... girlfriend

and completely ditch me.

Well, that's not entirely

the whole story... is it?

Not really, I guess.

You know, when I moved in, I thought you were smart and funny.

I'm sorry that you misunderstood that.

But I'll... let you get back to that.

What are you gonna do?

Hmmm. Go in my room, do 1,000 push-ups.

Wow.

What are you gonna do with your life?

-Just, you know, sell phonecards or...?

-Right.

-Um... it is pretty good money...

-Sure.

..but I know what you mean. CHUCKLES Um...

You know, I, er, I like my life.

Yeah... we're, like, friends, I guess, right?

Yeah... we're friends.

Can you make me something to eat, friend?

Order pizza, with the works.

Wake up! I need to run a few errands before school.

-GROANS SLEEPILY

-Wake up.

# "If Only" - Nuno Bettencourt

Hello.

Hold on, I want... I want that.

-May I have a tax receipt?

-There you go.

Hah! Thanks, bro. It was starting to get a little cold out here.

You sat on the right side and you didn't throw up. Good work.

Pull over, up here.

Now, remember, four words - I'm sorry. I love you.

-That's five words.

-This is no time to count words, Professor.

Hey!

Don't forget, "I'm sorry! I love you!"

-What'd he say?

-I love you, too, man!

Hey, where you goin'!

-May I sit down?

-Sure.

-How are you?

-I'm good.

-How are you?

-I'm -

-How's the book coming?

Thank you for this.

I didn't write it. You should check with Vanessa,

she does good work, though the signature's not even close.

I...

-This is humiliating. I'll see you.

-No, wait. Wait, wait.

-Just wait.

-SIGHS

Listen, um...

..I haven't had any, um, grand epiphany

or made any sweeping changes in my personality

over the past... few weeks. I know I'm a miserable asshole

but, er... I do have some hope for myself.

Lawrence, I'm pregnant.

And, according to my calculations,

this pregnancy is the result of the first time.

-Well, why didn't you tell me?

-Because you were being such an ass.

You were not exactly a wellspring of emotional information.

Why would you have a baby with me?

Because you don't know how to properly use a condom.

Message received.

You're intelligent, right?

And you're not... you're not unattractive.

I mean, it's not like it's a total genetic crap-shoot.

SIGHS Though you do have some deficits.

But you came here today.

We can figure this out.

SIGHS We're smart people.

I'm sorry. I love you.

-It's not up to you. It's not up to me.

-SIGHS

-Sorry.

-Er, Chuck, you stay, please.

It's just that you have options

and you should be aware of all of them.

Well, you have options, too, Vanessa.

You can either continue to be miserable or you can just stop

being angry at everyone and accept the way things are.

Allow yourself to live.

You sound like a stupid motivational speaker.

You're not listening to me. You're not.

I am not cleaning any dirty diapers.

'Morning.'

Matthew Arnold, one of the writers we'll be studying this semester,

wrote that, "Culture is the pursuit of our total perfection,

the best which has been thought and said in the world."

Now, my name is Lawrence Wetherhold.

You may call me Professor Wetherhold or Dr Wetherhold

but you may not call me, "Hey, you," or, "Yo, Teach," or, "Dude,"

because none of these terms of address could possibly be the prelude

to intelligent comment or question. Let's get to know one another.

Um... Joseph Anderson.

Joseph, where you from?

# "Pursuit of Happiness" - Nuno Bettencourt

# So you got to go but you don't know where

# All that you know is you can't stay here

# What's left to do but wish you the best?

# In your pursuit

# of happiness

# You say it's not me, it's just you

# But I'm the only one

# In the room

# Asking myself why you have left

# In your pursuit

# of happiness

# In your pursuit

# of happiness. #

# "Stitch" - The Baby Animals

# Baby, won't you help me

# be my best?

# Help me find a way back

# to our nest

# And dreams... #

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