Smart People


Smart People

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Transcript


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This film contains strong language.

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Good morning. Because it's important we all get to know one another,

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I would like you to wear these.

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I've taken two other courses from you, this year,

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-and you still don't know what my name is, do you?

-I do.

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What is it?

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-Miss Chin -

-You just looked.

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SIGHS

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The Price of Postmodernism: Epistemology and the Literary Canon.

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I have never had to wait this long for a response from a publisher.

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-"He said it's unpublishable."

-He said that?

-"Yes."

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Leave a message... to call me.

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We may think him a curmudgeon and see his Key to All Mythologies

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as a monument to pedantry but she sees him as the embodiment of virtue.

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For next time, read Maud.

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All of it.

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LAUGHTER

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ALL LAUGH

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What are you doing?

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Um, there was a paper jam in the Xerox machine.

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-Aren't you happy to see your brother, Lawrence?

-Adopted brother.

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How's the, er, kitchen-knife sales?

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-Or was it aluminium siding? How's that going?

-Calling cards.

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It's, er, all kinds of great deals, domestic and foreign.

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We just added the tiny island nation of Haiti. It's a gold mine.

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I'm glad to see that you're doing meaningful work.

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Um, Lawrence, listen, I wanted to ask a favour

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-but it's -

-Not again, please.

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I loaned you 1200 the last time that you showed up, two years ago,

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and before that it was another 600.

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Whatever it is that you're asking... the answer is no.

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I love you.

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KNOCK AT DOOR

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Hey, I'm sorry to bother you, but do you have a moment

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-to discuss Casaubon? Do you -

-My office hours are over.

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The sign says they're till five.

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-OK, but my watch says it's -

-That is official university time.

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My watch, it gets information by satellite

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and it's... accurate to one millionth of a second.

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Take it up with maintenance. Their offices are behind the stadium.

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Of course, they close at five. Good luck to you.

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-Good evening.

-Hey, Dad.

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We need to discuss something.

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What is Gibraltar's? I've underlined over 300 worth of items

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-you charged there last month.

-It's an art book store.

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I'm taking art history and the books are expensive.

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-I didn't know you wrote poetry.

-Well, there's a lot you don't know.

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Shit!

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I need my car.

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MUSIC BLARES FROM HEADSET I need my car.

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I'm gonna need to see your receipt from campus security.

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Davidson will take care of it on Monday.

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I have an arrangement with him.

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I can't give you your car without a receipt.

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-I said Davidson will take care of it.

-You don't remember me.

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-I took your Victorian poetry class last spring.

-Yes.

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-You gave me a D.

-I remember.

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-Ben Onufrey.

-Ben... Onufrey.

-No receipt, no vehicle.

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I can see that you take your job very seriously,

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so how about that I offer you... 20 for your trouble?

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According to rule 17-B in the Carnegie Mellon University

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-Traffic Citation Manual -

-Listen, you little shit, I need my briefcase.

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-Now stop your babbling and let me in.

-The only way you'll get in there

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is if you pay the fine and bring me the receipt,

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at which point, this "little sh"...

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ATMOSPHERIC ALTERNATIVE-ROCK MUSIC

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Oh!

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Hey!

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GRUNTS

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Spend less time memorising parking manuals

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and more time being alert!

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SNORES

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-Mr Wetherhold, I need you to wake up.

-MUTTERS

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-Mr Wetherhold, I need you to wake up.

-I was just resting my eyes.

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-Have you suffered seizures before?

-Before what?

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Before tonight. You suffered a trauma-induced seizure earlier.

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-Do you know what day of the week it is?

-Yes.

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-Well?

-Well, what?

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You always this contentious or is it the result of the head trauma?

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I prefer language to be precise.

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Well, then, you should have said, "I prefer precise language,"

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not, "I prefer language to be precise."

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I'm thirsty. Would you...?

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You need to stay overnight for observation.

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I need to make a phone call.

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-He recognise you?

-No.

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-Well, you have aged.

-Shut up.

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He told me my language was imprecise.

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Was it? Imprecise?

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PHONE RINGS

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-Hello?

-"Hi, may I please speak with Mrs Wetherhold?"

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PHONE RINGS

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I'm sorry, I'm not interested.

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"May I please speak to Mrs Wetherhold?"

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She's been dead for many years.

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Whatever it is you're peddling, I'm not interested.

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"I'm calling about your father."

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"He's not home. Take us off your calling list."

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No, he's here in the ER. He's had an accident.

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-Is he OK?

-"He's fine."

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He suffered a concussion and a trauma-induced seizure.

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I'm sure your father would love to see you.

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You know, I'm taking the SAT tomorrow

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and it is ten o'clock right now,

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which means I have one more hour to practise before bed.

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Head injuries are often more severe than they initially appear.

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-And your point?

-Well, I would hate for you to regret

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not visiting your father in the hospital.

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I appreciate the tip, Dr Phil.

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-Little bitch.

-Bitch.

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-Tetanus shot.

-SIGHS

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What happened to my car? It was... in the impoundment lot.

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-I imagine it's still there.

-If anyone asks, I was mugged.

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-I'm not gonna lie for you. Roll over.

-Just be vague.

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-WINCES

-That's good.

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There you go. That was well done.

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LIFT BELL PINGS

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-How nice of you to come.

-So, what happened to your head?

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A big guy chased me. I climbed a fence.

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-It's all a blur.

-Great, so now, if I don't get the perfect score,

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at least I have someone to blame.

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Your adopted brother, Chuck, called.

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He left a bunch of messages but I heard his voice

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-and deleted them all.

-Yes, he showed up at the office today.

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Oh! It was so nice of you to come. I'm Doctor Hartigan.

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Call your brother. Tell him to get my car out of the impound lot

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-and to have it here at 9am sharp.

-Excuse me. No, you do that.

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Because of the seizure, you can't legally drive for six months.

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-I have to report it to the DMV.

-No, just don't report it.

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I'm not being your chauffeur for six months!

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These times are crucial. Young Republicans.

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-Model UN. National Honor Society.

-I will hire a driver on Monday.

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The insurance company will pay for it.

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If you need anything, have one of the nurses page me. OK?

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Now go home, get some sleep and you'll get that perfect SAT score.

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-That's what I've been trying to do.

-Mercurial.

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I learned that word in the fifth grade.

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-Fecundity.

-English is my first language.

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-Uxorious.

-That's appropriately obscure.

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-Mind you, I know it - overly fond of one's wife.

-That's my girl.

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I have a good one - eft.

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Let me ponder.

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Short in stature. Diminutive.

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No, sorry, eft is a young newt.

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They rarely put nouns on the SAT.

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-You knew that word, right?

-Of course. A young newt.

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I don't understand why you had to check out so early.

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-I only get one Saturday morning per week, you know.

-Cry me a river.

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Get off it, James.

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Why'd you try to jump the fence, anyway?

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-Where did you hear about the fence?

-Two people from school told me.

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Can you move to the passenger seat?

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-I doubt that sitting on the right makes you sick.

-If I vomit,

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we'll both look stupid.

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I remember when Mom used to drop me off at kindergarten.

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You sat in the passenger seat then.

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TV CHATTER

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What the hell are you doing here?

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-Watching a documentary on snow apes.

-Hey, man.

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-Hey, Jim.

-Good to see you, Chuck.

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-You look like you had another growth spurt.

-I don't think so.

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Not since I saw you last.

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I would like an explanation. Why are you here?

0:14:100:14:13

Vanessa said that you couldn't drive for six months,

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so I'm here to help.

0:14:160:14:18

He's pretty sure he's gonna move in and be your driver.

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I think I got the perfect score. There was one tricky math one -

0:14:210:14:25

Did it ever occur to you that I might not want you to drive me,

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let alone move in?

0:14:300:14:32

It did occur to me but... Vanessa spoke to the insurance company

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and they're not going to pay for a chauffeur.

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I wrote a letter of complaint and I wrote a request for an appeal,

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so if I could get your signature, I will fax it.

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I'm a little low on cash right now.

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I can't really afford to get my own apartment,

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so it's kind of a win-win situation.

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No, it's not a win-win situation.

0:14:590:15:01

It might be if you were even vaguely reliable... but you're not.

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-There's a spare room upstairs. There's linens and towels -

-Ssh!

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Thank you, Jim.

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Do you even have a valid driver's licence?

0:15:160:15:19

SNIFFS

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I need a ride to campus.

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-I will see you downstairs in five minutes.

-You got it.

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GROANS / COUGHS

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ENGINE REVS Oh!

0:15:430:15:45

Make a left.

0:16:060:16:09

We need someone with a national scholarly reputation

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-and strong leadership experience.

-Well, thank you, Martin.

0:16:150:16:18

-I am honoured to serve in the position.

-You heard?

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-CHUCKLES Word travels fast.

-Usually it's a pain in the butt

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to find someone to chair the search committee.

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I thought we were hiring from within the department.

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Well, everyone else is so busy this semester,

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delivering papers, publishing.

0:16:390:16:41

Have you read what they're publishing? Most of it's garbage.

0:16:410:16:45

-That's not very collegial.

-Neither is forcing me

0:16:450:16:48

to chair this search committee.

0:16:480:16:50

-I am busy, too.

-When was the last time you attended

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-a department meeting?

-When was the last time

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-there was anything worth discussing?

-I need you to do this.

0:16:560:16:59

Bon appetit, Martin.

0:16:590:17:02

Now that Roth has forced me to chair the committee, I can't very well

0:17:030:17:07

-nominate myself.

-You should've had that position eight years ago.

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-That was a travesty if I ever saw one.

-You were nine at the time.

0:17:110:17:14

I will tell Roth that this injury is too much

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and it precludes me from heading the committee.

0:17:170:17:20

Why do you wanna be head of the department?

0:17:200:17:22

You don't like the professors or any of your students.

0:17:220:17:25

There was a time when students were passionate about literature.

0:17:250:17:30

Today's students are only passionate about getting As.

0:17:300:17:33

Dick Cheney!

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His daughter is a lesbian

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and while her partner is considered to be "one of the family",

0:17:410:17:45

they never allowed her on stage during the campaign.

0:17:450:17:48

OK, well, the point is, in 2000, Cheney was the chair

0:17:480:17:51

of Bush's vice-presidential search committee.

0:17:510:17:54

You know, he nominated himself.

0:17:540:17:56

Nominating myself? It seems rather unethical.

0:17:560:18:01

It's the democratic process.

0:18:010:18:03

If it can work for the Vice President of America,

0:18:030:18:07

it can work for you.

0:18:070:18:09

I wanted to call you all together, one last time,

0:18:120:18:15

before we were into exams. We've received over 200 applications.

0:18:150:18:20

Fewer than ten of the applications merit serious consideration.

0:18:200:18:25

-Based on what criteria?

-The criteria

0:18:250:18:27

listed in the official university bylaws on faculty hires.

0:18:270:18:31

When we did this before, we spent a few sessions

0:18:310:18:33

devising a rubric for candidate evaluations,

0:18:330:18:37

one based on more humanistic ideals.

0:18:370:18:39

LOUD TEARING / CRUNCHING OF PAPER

0:18:390:18:41

A few applicants forgot to include copies

0:18:420:18:45

-of their student evaluations.

-I find the evaluations

0:18:450:18:48

that students write about me utterly useless.

0:18:480:18:51

It's mostly just speculation about my sexuality.

0:18:510:18:55

-Try not to blink.

-This is, er, rather uncomfortable.

0:18:580:19:02

OK. We're set, Mr Wetherhold.

0:19:020:19:04

How come my follow-up wasn't with Dr Hartigan?

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Because she's the head of the ER, not a neurologist like myself.

0:19:100:19:13

You know, she's gonna kill me for saying this

0:19:130:19:17

but, um... she used to be a student of yours, years ago.

0:19:170:19:20

Oh, I've had lots of students.

0:19:200:19:22

I think she had a schoolgirl crush, in effect.

0:19:220:19:26

Oh, she did, did she?

0:19:260:19:29

-Are we done?

-Yeah.

0:19:290:19:31

Pleasure(!)

0:19:320:19:34

-Yeah, still around.

-Here you go, miss.

-Hi.

0:19:360:19:40

How's your head? Did you see Dr Strouse yet?

0:19:420:19:45

Yes, everything is fine.

0:19:450:19:47

I, er, figured it out. You were my student.

0:19:510:19:55

Um, you must forgive me for not remembering the other night

0:19:570:20:01

when they brought me into the ER.

0:20:010:20:03

-Did you lose weight?

-No, not at all.

0:20:070:20:12

Same weight.

0:20:120:20:14

Night.

0:20:150:20:17

-What are you doing?

-Are these your mom's?

0:20:270:20:29

Don't get mayonnaise on them!

0:20:290:20:32

You should really make your bed. It sets the tone for the day.

0:20:400:20:43

How do you know what tone I wanted to set?

0:20:430:20:47

Don't you think it's kind of... weird

0:20:540:20:56

-to keep dead people's clothes lying around?

-Yes.

0:20:560:21:00

Dad's been saving them. It's really not a good thing for him.

0:21:000:21:05

If we donate them to Goodwill, we get a tax write-off...

0:21:050:21:09

..which is great.

0:21:100:21:13

You're a monster.

0:21:150:21:18

-May I give you a ride home?

-Er, no, thank you.

0:21:290:21:33

My adopted brother is supposed to... pick me up.

0:21:330:21:37

Are you sure? It's pretty cold.

0:21:370:21:40

-OK, thank you.

-Here...

0:21:480:21:52

POIGNANT SONG, FEMALE VOCALIST

0:21:590:22:01

-Don't forget the tax receipt.

-Right.

0:22:170:22:20

You know, you can sit up front if you want.

0:22:210:22:24

Oh, that's OK. I'm fine.

0:22:240:22:27

I get, er... nauseated

0:22:270:22:30

if I ride on the... right-hand side of the car.

0:22:300:22:33

Dr Strouse said I was fine

0:22:370:22:39

and I was wondering if you could call the DMV

0:22:390:22:42

and have them repeal my driving restriction.

0:22:420:22:45

That's not how it works.

0:22:450:22:47

-SIGHS

-So, er, what are you teaching this semester?

0:22:490:22:54

I'm teaching two sections on the Victorians.

0:22:540:22:58

-Do you like the Victorians?

-I used to.

0:22:580:23:01

-The Victorian novel, huh?

-Hmmm.

0:23:050:23:09

Wow, how many times can you read Bleak House?

0:23:090:23:12

You never tire of Bleak House.

0:23:120:23:14

-I can always find something new to say about it.

-Mm.

0:23:140:23:18

Don't you have anything better to do?

0:23:250:23:28

SIGHS

0:23:300:23:33

You need to relax.

0:23:410:23:43

No, you need to relax. I need to study.

0:23:430:23:46

-SNIFFS

-Great, I'm in an after-school special.

0:23:500:23:55

-Your dad used to smoke when he was in grad school.

-Oh, yeah?

0:23:550:23:59

He was too scared to buy it, so I would have to do it for him.

0:23:590:24:03

They called him Hookah Larry.

0:24:030:24:05

Look, your pathetic attempts to manipulate me,

0:24:050:24:09

they're never going to work.

0:24:090:24:11

SPEAKS SPANISH, ENTICINGLY, ABOUT MARIJUANA

0:24:130:24:17

CONTINUES SPEAKING SPANISH

0:24:190:24:21

Oh, Jesus.

0:24:210:24:24

CONTINUES SPEAKING SPANISH

0:24:250:24:27

LAUGHS OK... shut up and give it to me.

0:24:300:24:33

If this gives me brain damage... I will kill you.

0:24:350:24:40

Lupita is crying over Pedro,

0:24:420:24:45

who is being abused by Manuel.

0:24:450:24:48

She's gonna leave Manuel, you know, he's such a machismo,

0:24:480:24:52

and, er... she's gonna move in with Diego.

0:24:520:24:56

-He's really handsome and built.

-CHUCKLES

0:24:560:25:00

If your Spanish were better, you would see all of that.

0:25:000:25:03

-Thank you for driving me.

-Oh, you're welcome.

0:25:130:25:17

This is your house, right?

0:25:210:25:23

Yes.

0:25:250:25:27

Shit. Wait!

0:25:370:25:39

Wait! Wait! Er...

0:25:390:25:41

CHUCKLES I forgot this.

0:25:430:25:47

Er, would you like to have

0:25:520:25:55

a face-to-face... conversation sometime?

0:25:550:25:59

Er, we could finish our discussion of Victorian literature.

0:25:590:26:03

We weren't really having a conversation

0:26:030:26:05

about Victorian literature.

0:26:050:26:08

I suppose I'd have to drive.

0:26:090:26:12

I hadn't thought of that.

0:26:130:26:15

How about Friday night at 7:30 for a face-to-face conversation?

0:26:190:26:23

That would work.

0:26:230:26:25

OK, bye.

0:26:260:26:29

FRONT DOOR CLICKS SHUT

0:26:380:26:40

SNIFFS

0:26:400:26:42

Smell something burning?

0:26:420:26:44

Maybe, er... cannabis?

0:26:460:26:49

Are you mad?

0:26:500:26:52

I waited outside the, er, medical centre for, er, aeons.

0:26:520:26:56

Where were you?

0:26:570:27:00

Helping Vanessa with her Spanish.

0:27:000:27:02

Lost track of time, sorry.

0:27:030:27:06

Where'd you get that?

0:27:170:27:19

-The closet.

-I told him Wellesley was a women's college.

0:27:210:27:25

-That's Caroline's sweatshirt.

-That, too. I told him that, too.

0:27:250:27:29

I told him... it was Mom's sweatshirt.

0:27:290:27:32

Take it off, please. Did it ever occur to you

0:27:330:27:38

that I might be saving that sweatshirt? Hm?

0:27:380:27:42

Please don't rip it. SIGHS

0:27:420:27:45

(I think he may have smelled the pot.)

0:27:530:27:56

"I told him Wellesley was a women's college"?

0:27:560:28:00

God, what a narc!

0:28:000:28:03

SIGHS

0:28:030:28:05

# "Flow" - Nuno Bettencourt

0:28:130:28:15

You know, we didn't just donate her clothes on a whim,

0:28:270:28:31

we did it for your psychological wellbeing.

0:28:310:28:34

Will you wait in the car?

0:28:340:28:37

Let's see, "Professor Wetherhold is a conceited dickhead,"

0:28:440:28:48

"An asshole," "Unfair..." Oh, here's one!

0:28:480:28:51

-What does it say?

-"Professor Wetherhold is knowledgeable

0:28:510:28:55

but he doesn't impart that knowledge to his students."

0:28:550:28:58

"He barked information and then complained

0:28:580:29:00

when our papers did not measure up to his bizarre standards."

0:29:000:29:03

I'll dig deeper.

0:29:030:29:06

Hey, can we go to the mall tonight instead of this afternoon?

0:29:080:29:12

-There's, like, three games I wanna watch.

-I can't go tonight.

0:29:120:29:16

-Why's that?

-I'm busy.

0:29:160:29:19

Yeah, busy with what? I gotta go to the mall.

0:29:190:29:22

-I have an appointment.

-Really?

-Yes.

-With who?

0:29:220:29:27

-With none of your business.

-An appointment with whom?

0:29:270:29:30

-None of your business.

-I just want to know! God!

0:29:300:29:35

Dr Hartigan.

0:29:350:29:37

-I knew it.

-Good work. You spend 50 on dinner,

0:29:390:29:44

that's grounds for intercourse with "none of your business".

0:29:440:29:48

Dad, if there are any romantic inklings, you're simply not ready.

0:29:480:29:51

I mean, the sociosexual mores have really shifted.

0:29:510:29:55

-And, look, let's not forget the stigma attached to widowers.

-SIGHS

0:29:550:29:59

Widowers. At some point, the statute of limitations

0:29:590:30:02

-has gotta run out on that.

-We're not talking about this any more.

0:30:020:30:06

Don't freak out and sabotage it

0:30:080:30:11

-like you always do.

-I don't always freak out and sabotage it.

0:30:110:30:15

This hospital is littered with men you've left in your wake.

0:30:150:30:18

And with men you've left in your wake.

0:30:180:30:21

-What are you doing?

-"Nothing."

0:30:210:30:23

Nothing. I'm just reading something. I'll call you back, OK?

0:30:230:30:27

POIGNANT SONG, FEMALE VOCALIST

0:30:270:30:29

-Hi.

-Hi, there.

-How are you?

0:30:490:30:52

-What are you doing here?

-Excuse me?

0:30:540:30:58

He's kind of a fragile guy.

0:31:020:31:05

-You know, he's not ready for this.

-He's fragile?

0:31:050:31:08

-What do you mean?

-You know what? It's quite predatory, actually.

0:31:080:31:13

Have you forgotten about the Hippocratic oath you took,

0:31:140:31:18

about not fucking your patients?

0:31:180:31:21

-Your father's no longer my patient.

-Oh.

0:31:210:31:24

We respond to literary texts

0:31:400:31:42

using precisely the same fundamental interpretive categories

0:31:420:31:45

as authors and poets use to create them,

0:31:450:31:48

so there's no need to posit any kind of unstable ontology

0:31:480:31:52

or ruptured consciousness. Are you following me?

0:31:520:31:55

-Yeah, I -

-Any coffee? Desserts?

0:31:550:31:57

-Yeah...

-It's too late for coffee. I'll tell you what.

0:31:570:32:01

One piece of chocolate cake and two... forks, two plates.

0:32:010:32:05

-So no-one...

-Thank you.

0:32:060:32:08

..has ever looked at this process of cultural criticism through the -

0:32:080:32:12

45 minutes.

0:32:120:32:14

Excuse me?

0:32:140:32:16

45 minutes. That's how long it's been since I've uttered a word.

0:32:160:32:21

I mean, do you even know where I'm from?

0:32:220:32:25

Where I live? Anything about my family? What kind of day did I have?

0:32:250:32:30

Well, if you actually did wanna know,

0:32:300:32:33

um, I was having a great day until about, um, 30 minutes ago

0:32:330:32:36

when I realised you weren't gonna shut up. In fact,

0:32:360:32:40

you... actually gave me a C in your course.

0:32:400:32:44

You said my paper was sophomoric. I was a freshman.

0:32:440:32:49

That's not what sophomoric means.

0:32:490:32:51

I know. I know that. The other night when I drove you home,

0:32:510:32:56

I thought I saw a different side of you

0:32:560:33:00

but now I'm back to thinking you're the same pompous windbag

0:33:000:33:03

who made me switch my major

0:33:030:33:06

-from English to Biology.

-Well, certainly an established physician

0:33:060:33:09

is not harbouring resentment for a grade she received

0:33:090:33:12

-more than ten years ago.

-This was a mistake.

0:33:120:33:15

Your daughter was right.

0:33:150:33:17

Thank you. It's probably better if you get a cab home.

0:33:190:33:22

I take it, by your presence here at 8:45, you did not get laid.

0:33:350:33:39

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Come in, unless it's Chuck.

0:33:410:33:45

-I'm back.

-Thank God.

0:33:460:33:49

This is a good-sized room.

0:33:530:33:56

Yeah, I'm pretty sure you've been in here before.

0:33:560:33:59

Do you think I'm self-absorbed?

0:34:020:34:05

Well, I think self-absorption's underrated.

0:34:060:34:09

I think everyone needs some compassion,

0:34:100:34:14

some... capacity for sympathy, empathy.

0:34:140:34:18

Right?

0:34:180:34:20

Dad, Theresa Sternbridge practically runs a soup kitchen

0:34:200:34:24

and she's always seen posing in photos with crack babies

0:34:240:34:29

and dying, old, crusty ladies. And do you know why?

0:34:290:34:34

She scored in the... 45th percentile on her SAT.

0:34:350:34:40

People like you and me don't need to compensate.

0:34:420:34:47

I'm glad you're home early. That physician wasn't good for you.

0:34:470:34:50

Too young and... kind of uncultured,

0:34:500:34:53

like oh so many in the medical profession.

0:34:530:34:57

Oh, I thought of the perfect new title for your book!

0:34:580:35:01

Right?

0:35:080:35:10

-Good night.

-Bonsoir.

0:35:100:35:13

# "Flow" - Nuno Bettencourt

0:35:150:35:18

# Where is the narrator in my life?

0:35:190:35:24

# Maybe he doesn't know

0:35:240:35:27

# Where I've fled

0:35:270:35:30

# Running through the city in my head

0:35:300:35:34

# I shed

0:35:360:35:38

# regret

0:35:380:35:42

# I shed

0:36:070:36:10

# regret #

0:36:100:36:15

SHRIEKS EXCITEDLY

0:36:330:36:36

What are you doing here?

0:36:480:36:50

-That gurney was sterile.

-I re-read your... essay

0:36:500:36:56

and, er... at first I considered giving it a higher grade

0:36:560:36:59

but then I decided that the... the C should stick.

0:36:590:37:03

Do you honestly think I care about a grade I received in college?

0:37:050:37:09

I admit that the paper, as you originally wrote,

0:37:090:37:12

"lacks a clear focus and rambles like a bad folk song"

0:37:120:37:15

but I read it again the other day and its thesis is quite good.

0:37:150:37:19

I should've been more diplomatic and less pompous as your professor

0:37:220:37:27

-and as your dinner date.

-True.

0:37:270:37:31

-I'm out of practice.

-What, usually you're better

0:37:320:37:35

-at masking your pomposity?

-Could... could we give this,

0:37:350:37:40

um... face-to-face conversation one more try?

0:37:400:37:44

Um... I haven't been on a date in a while.

0:37:440:37:50

I'd have to drive again, I suppose.

0:37:540:37:57

Merry Christmas!

0:38:100:38:12

CRANKS ENGINE

0:38:310:38:33

Fuck!

0:38:410:38:43

It was clever of you to reserve the same table.

0:38:430:38:46

Well, I wanted to, er, make sure that I had an authentic second chance.

0:38:460:38:51

Would you like to start with some wine?

0:38:540:38:57

Um, well, I'm on call tonight, so I can't drink.

0:38:570:39:00

-You're on call?

-Yeah.

0:39:000:39:03

-So this date may end at any moment?

-Well, if I'm paged, yes.

0:39:030:39:08

-I can come back.

-No, no, it's OK. I will have the lobster,

0:39:080:39:13

-the house salad and house dressing on the side, please.

-Sir?

0:39:130:39:16

Oh, yes, the clock is ticking. I'm going to have the cod

0:39:160:39:20

and... house salad, house dressing on the side.

0:39:200:39:25

I'm sorry I called you an arrogant windbag the other night.

0:39:340:39:38

-You called me a pompous windbag.

-LAUGHS

0:39:380:39:41

So have you heard from any of the publishers about your book?

0:39:410:39:46

Um, did you... ever tell me where you're from?

0:39:460:39:50

-Well, how long ago did you send it?

-A few weeks ago.

-Oh.

0:39:500:39:53

What did your parents do?

0:39:530:39:56

-What are you doing?

-What do you mean?

0:39:560:39:58

-I'm asking you about the book.

-Yes, and I'm not taking the bait, am I?

0:39:580:40:03

Come on, I'm interested in the book.

0:40:040:40:06

It's... been rejected by a few publishers.

0:40:090:40:14

Actually, it's been rejected by everyone, so...

0:40:160:40:19

Rejection is tough.

0:40:190:40:22

It can scar you for life. But you can rewrite it.

0:40:240:40:27

-You can, you know, send it out again, can't you?

-SIGHS

0:40:270:40:32

It's about time!

0:40:400:40:43

"Stem cell research: the wrong choice."

0:40:460:40:49

That's some real riveting shit. You Young Republicans

0:40:490:40:52

-really know how to party. Bet you guys are fun(!)

-I have fun.

0:40:520:40:57

You're at a Hitler Youth Rally the first night of Christmas break.

0:40:570:41:00

-My fun is a little more cerebral than yours.

-Come on.

0:41:000:41:04

When was the last time you did something bad? Or subversive?

0:41:040:41:08

Like a normal teenager.

0:41:080:41:10

-Do you know what you're doing?

-CRACKLING

-Jesus!

0:41:100:41:13

I bet you never cheated or stole anything. Or jaywalked.

0:41:130:41:18

Well, I've smoked pot with my, er, perverted uncle.

0:41:180:41:21

OK, that was because I coerced you.

0:41:210:41:24

You didn't do that of your own volition.

0:41:240:41:26

-You're in jeopardy of becoming a 17-year-old robot.

-OK, shut up,

0:41:260:41:31

cos you really don't know me.

0:41:310:41:33

I actually got accepted to Stanford two weeks ago.

0:41:330:41:37

Really? But Carnegie Mellon is free for you

0:41:390:41:43

and Stanford's, I don't know, 600, 700 a year.

0:41:430:41:46

40 grand, actually.

0:41:460:41:49

Well, your father is gonna kill you

0:41:510:41:54

but, for the time being, I'm filled with pride.

0:41:540:41:59

Come on, little mermaid, let's go celebrate.

0:42:000:42:03

ALL CHATTER

0:42:120:42:14

Think older, you'll appear older.

0:42:140:42:17

I want you to grab that table. I'm gonna get a pitcher of beer.

0:42:170:42:21

# "Rush You" - The Baby Animals

0:42:210:42:24

Keep your eye out, there's a guy over there

0:42:340:42:36

-that used to be a woman.

-Out on the town with Grandpa?

0:42:360:42:40

-Fuck off.

-Those seem like nice girls(!)

0:42:400:42:43

That's disgusting.

0:42:540:42:56

That is disgusting.

0:42:570:42:59

-You must miss your wife.

-Mm.

0:43:020:43:06

-Sorry, I shouldn't be so direct.

-If... my wife, Caroline,

0:43:070:43:11

were here right now, she would be telling me to stop pitying myself.

0:43:110:43:15

She was, um, a lovely, funny, intelligent woman

0:43:160:43:20

and she'd want you to know it,

0:43:200:43:22

but she'd also advise me not to talk about my dead wife

0:43:220:43:27

on a date with a... beautiful woman.

0:43:270:43:31

And she'd be wondering

0:43:350:43:38

when I was going to get around to... kissing you.

0:43:380:43:42

# "Rush You" - The Baby Animals

0:43:450:43:47

What is it like...

0:44:100:44:13

-..bein' stupid?

-What's it like sitting alone at lunch every day?

0:44:140:44:17

It sucks.

0:44:170:44:20

-Come with me.

-GIGGLES

0:44:210:44:24

I'm, er... not used to condoms

0:44:400:44:44

-but I thought it... went OK.

-CHUCKLES

0:44:440:44:48

Very nice.

0:44:480:44:51

-Yeah.

-Cos... I just don't wanna blow it with you.

0:44:510:44:57

Do you have any plans for Christmas?

0:45:020:45:05

-Will you excuse me for a minute?

-Mm.

0:45:100:45:14

Cos my daughter, Vanessa, makes quite a spread.

0:45:170:45:21

SIGHS

0:45:230:45:25

# "Stitch" - The Baby Animals

0:45:310:45:34

I was just paged.

0:45:460:45:49

I haven't been up this late in years.

0:45:530:45:57

-(SLURS) Linsey hates me, you know?

-Mm-hm.

0:46:450:46:48

Brooke hates me. Everybody hates me.

0:46:480:46:51

Well, if you tell people they're stupid,

0:46:510:46:54

they'll usually hate you.

0:46:540:46:57

And I wasn't, like,

0:46:570:47:00

completely congenial when you first... came.

0:47:000:47:05

-Yeah, you're right.

-But you like me now.

0:47:120:47:17

I like you now. Oh!

0:47:170:47:19

Vanessa...

0:47:200:47:22

..come on!

0:47:230:47:26

You're adopted.

0:47:260:47:28

It's not like it's... biblical.

0:47:280:47:31

You just wanna fuck that trashy waitress.

0:47:320:47:35

That's none of your business.

0:47:350:47:37

-You're drunk and you're 17 and you're my niece.

-MUMBLES

0:47:370:47:42

Great idea, giving you beer.

0:47:420:47:46

Come on.

0:47:530:47:55

-Hey, you!

-Are you drunk?

0:47:570:48:01

-Did you get her drunk?

-No.

-She seems drunk.

-She's drunk.

0:48:040:48:09

-How was your date?

-You're a giant toddler.

0:48:120:48:17

Mom and Dad did you absolutely no favours

0:48:190:48:22

allowing you to become the immature scam artist that you are.

0:48:220:48:26

POIGNANT SONG, FEMALE VOCALIST

0:48:300:48:32

Oh, Vanessa, did anyone call me today?

0:49:080:49:12

Um... Oh, yeah, yeah! Yeah, a telemarketer.

0:49:120:49:17

It was a man. You're acting very desperate.

0:49:170:49:21

-I got it.

-SIGHS

0:49:270:49:31

Will you stop avoiding me? I was drunk.

0:49:310:49:35

I'm not avoiding you,

0:49:360:49:38

I just... need some time alone, please.

0:49:380:49:42

Thank you.

0:49:510:49:53

Er, hi, Janet. Sorry to leave you yet another message

0:50:250:50:28

but I realised that you may not have my phone number

0:50:280:50:31

and that's why you haven't called me back.

0:50:310:50:34

"My number is 412-155..."

0:50:340:50:38

CONTINUES TALKING

0:50:380:50:40

SIGHS

0:50:430:50:46

Didn't you prove that you can't hold your alcohol?

0:50:480:50:52

I'm having one glass, moron.

0:50:520:50:54

And I chose this Beaujolais specifically to go with the ham.

0:50:550:50:59

Neither of you is old enough to be drinking.

0:51:090:51:15

Dude...

0:51:160:51:18

-Let's get drunk.

-I need something to wash down this rubber ham.

0:51:180:51:23

Actually, I downloaded the recipe from the Internet.

0:51:230:51:27

I translated it from Old French.

0:51:270:51:29

It dates all the way back to Louis XIV and he was the one

0:51:290:51:33

that actually decided dishes should be served in courses

0:51:330:51:36

because before that it was served as this big pile of food and -

0:51:360:51:40

Maybe you messed up the translation and that's why it tastes burnt.

0:51:400:51:44

-If you'd like, I could jam that up your ass for you.

-That's enough.

0:51:440:51:48

Enough.

0:51:480:51:51

-Well, this is... cheerful(!)

-Shut up.

0:51:530:51:56

-DOORBELL CHIMES

-Who... would think

0:51:560:51:59

to interrupt this perfect Christmas dinner?

0:51:590:52:03

-Hi.

-Hi.

0:52:130:52:16

-You're the doctor girlfriend, right?

-You're the adopted brother, right?

0:52:160:52:20

Well, you don't appear to be boring.

0:52:210:52:23

Well, you've just met me. For all you know, I'm boring.

0:52:230:52:27

You've presented yourself here uninvited and unannounced

0:52:270:52:30

for Christmas dinner. That is not boring.

0:52:300:52:33

-And the cake?

-CHUCKLES

0:52:330:52:35

-Lexotonin? That's an antidepressant.

-I stole it from the break room.

0:52:350:52:40

-Am I interrupting anything?

-No, welcome.

0:52:410:52:44

We could use a little antivenom in the snake pit.

0:52:440:52:47

-Thank you very much. Move along, thank you.

-Hi.

0:52:470:52:51

-Hi. Merry Christmas.

-Merry Christmas.

0:52:510:52:54

BOTH CHATTER

0:53:000:53:02

The woman brought a cake.

0:53:060:53:09

Hello.

0:53:100:53:12

-Vanessa!

-I'm getting the physician a plate!

0:53:140:53:18

Thank you.

0:53:180:53:20

My, what a generous portion.

0:53:410:53:44

-Enjoy.

-Vanessa is the perfect little housewife. I mean, daughter.

0:53:440:53:48

If by perfect you mean not retarded/suffering from

0:53:480:53:52

insurmountable credit-card debt, then, yes, I am indeed perfect.

0:53:520:53:56

Would you two please stop bickering?

0:53:560:53:59

These children haven't been properly parented in years,

0:53:590:54:02

that's why I was brought in, to ensure they don't kill each other.

0:54:020:54:06

-Merry Christmas.

-LAUGHS

0:54:070:54:10

Please.

0:54:130:54:16

"So much depends upon a red wheelbarrow"...

0:54:180:54:21

William Carlos Williams.

0:54:210:54:24

-He was a physician.

-Yes, I know that.

0:54:240:54:28

Many considered him to be an imagist but he was more of a modernist,

0:54:280:54:32

eschewing the poetic traditions of Europe

0:54:320:54:35

in favour of celebrating everyday circumstances.

0:54:350:54:38

But I digress and, er...

0:54:390:54:42

I like suburban Pittsburgh for Christmas.

0:54:430:54:47

Yes, it's really glamorous.

0:54:470:54:49

You're in the... Paris of Western Pennsylvania.

0:54:490:54:55

I'm really glad that you stopped by.

0:54:570:55:00

I just saw Dad and the physician kissing. I am going to puke.

0:55:100:55:15

Why does physical affection bother you so much?

0:55:150:55:18

It doesn't, actually.

0:55:180:55:20

-You're not the only one who deserves to have fun.

-What's your point?

0:55:200:55:25

-I saw you both at Gibraltar's. Drunk.

-I saw you, too.

0:55:250:55:28

I saw you, too, man. Bravo!

0:55:280:55:31

I am proud that we whittled it down to these three so quickly.

0:55:400:55:45

-I have another candidate in mind.

-Who?

0:55:450:55:49

-Me.

-Can you apply? You're... you're the chair of the committee.

0:55:500:55:55

Yes, I am permitted to apply.

0:55:550:55:58

It's well within Carnegie Mellon's ethical codes of conduct.

0:55:580:56:02

It's... part of the democratic process.

0:56:020:56:05

Ticktock.

0:56:070:56:09

BOTH CHATTER

0:56:110:56:14

When I come back, you better have a word on that board.

0:56:200:56:24

PHONE RINGS

0:56:250:56:27

Vanessa, this phone is for emergencies only.

0:56:280:56:32

I didn't want to call you at her apartment, I just...

0:56:320:56:35

Are you coming home for dinner? Because Chuck's gone

0:56:350:56:38

-and I'm the only one here.

-I'm eating here tonight.

0:56:380:56:42

Well, that's just... fantastic.

0:56:420:56:44

What am I supposed to do with the beef stroganoff I made

0:56:440:56:48

and the garlic whipped potatoes?

0:56:480:56:50

(I'm going to be home in a few hours. Could you save me a little bit?)

0:56:510:56:56

"Just a plate..."

0:56:560:56:59

PHONE RINGS

0:57:010:57:04

This is Lawrence Wetherhold.

0:57:050:57:07

-Um, who is this?

-"This is Deb Rosenblatt from the Penguin Group."

0:57:070:57:11

"Mr Bloomberg liked your manuscript and would like to meet you."

0:57:110:57:15

Well... it is a very interesting concept, isn't it?

0:57:150:57:19

STAPLE GUN CLICKS

0:57:200:57:23

Yeah, I always wondered who littered the world with those.

0:57:240:57:28

-Where have you been? I haven't seen you all week.

-I've been busy.

0:57:280:57:32

I don't want you to feel uncomfortable around me, OK?

0:57:320:57:35

I completely respect your homosexuality

0:57:350:57:38

and I will refrain from any further untoward advances.

0:57:380:57:42

Truth be told, I've started dating someone. Someone my own age.

0:57:420:57:47

What's his name?

0:57:470:57:50

-STAPLE GUN CLICKS

-Her name...

0:57:500:57:53

..is none of your business.

0:57:540:57:56

I will be staying at HER apartment a couple of nights a week.

0:57:560:58:00

So, does she know you're gay?

0:58:000:58:03

I don't think that you and I should be hanging out as much.

0:58:040:58:08

Well, that's just... it's idiotic.

0:58:080:58:11

I mean, who am I supposed to hang out with?

0:58:110:58:14

I just think that we both need to... you know, get a life.

0:58:140:58:18

My life begins when I set foot in California next fall.

0:58:180:58:23

-The cab was 9.

-Well, I'll pay you back.

0:58:250:58:29

Well...

0:58:300:58:32

-..they're publishing my book.

-What?!

0:58:330:58:35

-Who the fuck's gonna read that?

-Bloomberg. I knew it.

0:58:350:58:39

I so knew it! Well, when are we gonna meet with them?

0:58:390:58:43

Er, you have school, so I'm... I'm taking Janet

0:58:430:58:49

and... flying to New York on... Monday.

0:58:490:58:52

You have school.

0:58:560:58:58

SIGHS

0:59:010:59:04

So, I sort of met somebody. I was kind of hoping

0:59:060:59:10

you could float me some greenbacks to get my own apartment.

0:59:100:59:13

SIGHS You know, more and more, I'm getting used to you.

0:59:130:59:18

I need you here,

0:59:190:59:22

so... no.

0:59:220:59:24

There was a twinkle of humanity in there.

0:59:280:59:32

# Gonna tell you all a story

0:59:330:59:37

# About a girl who's just informed me

0:59:370:59:39

# That all she needs to love me

0:59:390:59:41

# Is a quiet peaceful day

0:59:410:59:44

# She don't need no shiny diamonds

0:59:440:59:47

# Or a fancy car to drive in

0:59:470:59:49

# She just needs me there beside her

0:59:490:59:53

# On a quiet peaceful day

0:59:530:59:56

# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah... #

0:59:560:59:59

It's almost ten. I need to leave.

1:00:011:00:05

Good luck. Knock 'em dead.

1:00:071:00:09

Does this suit make me look too eager?

1:00:111:00:14

How can a suit make anyone look too eager?

1:00:141:00:18

-Wish me luck.

-I just did. Go already.

1:00:211:00:25

You're starting to make me nervous. Goodbye.

1:00:251:00:29

CHUCKLES

1:00:291:00:32

At first, I thought it was the driest piece of shit ever...

1:00:371:00:40

-What?

-..till I got to the third section, where I noticed

1:00:401:00:43

a certain marketable tone -

1:00:431:00:45

the surly, smarter-than-thou asshole tone.

1:00:451:00:48

People love to hate books like this. NPR will attack the book

1:00:481:00:52

-and you'll be defending yourself on Charlie Rose.

-That's...

1:00:521:00:56

-..not the point of the book.

-I understand your hesitancy

1:00:581:01:01

but when was the last time a senior editor edited, actually edited?

1:01:011:01:05

We spent the entire staff meeting last week talking about it.

1:01:061:01:10

The marketing guys and two junior editors loved it. It's like

1:01:101:01:13

the book itself is a fucking bully.

1:01:131:01:16

You Can't Read.

1:01:171:01:19

You Can't Read.

1:01:211:01:23

Brilliant!

1:01:231:01:25

Shit.

1:01:571:01:59

-SWITCHES TV OFF Hey.

-Hi.

1:02:121:02:15

Well, how'd it go?

1:02:161:02:18

Great. They loved me over there.

1:02:191:02:22

It's going to be a very important book.

1:02:221:02:25

Well, you seem happy. Wait, wait, wait.

1:02:251:02:29

-Don't open that yet. What did he say about the book?

-Well,

1:02:291:02:32

they've edited it, er, significantly but it's much better.

1:02:321:02:37

It's intelligent but very contrary, powerful and inflammatory.

1:02:371:02:41

It's...

1:02:411:02:43

Well, how much did they edit it?

1:02:431:02:46

Well, Penguin has, er... they've edited thousands of books

1:02:461:02:51

and there comes a time when you have to let the experts be experts.

1:02:511:02:55

-And are you honestly OK with the changes?

-Well, er,

1:02:551:02:59

Bloomberg wants to, er... take us out to dinner.

1:02:591:03:03

But I thought you and I were going out for a quiet dinner tonight.

1:03:031:03:06

They wanna take us out. It's... You know, he's my editor.

1:03:061:03:11

And I'm your, um...

1:03:121:03:14

I don't know. What am I to you?

1:03:151:03:17

Well, for lack of a better term, you're my girlfriend.

1:03:191:03:22

No, what am I to you? Not just a term.

1:03:221:03:26

You're, um... everything

1:03:261:03:29

that a... girlfriend is.

1:03:291:03:33

You can't answer, can you?

1:03:341:03:36

-Hmmm.

-Er... SPLUTTERS

1:03:371:03:41

Please, would you just get ready for dinner?

1:03:411:03:44

No, I actually don't feel that well.

1:03:441:03:46

I couldn't go out tonight, anyways. You should go.

1:03:461:03:51

I'm gonna be fine.

1:03:511:03:53

You'd think their parents would control them.

1:03:581:04:01

They've probably been on a plane for hours.

1:04:011:04:04

They should run around. Your book's not published yet,

1:04:041:04:07

you don't have to act like a complete misanthrope.

1:04:071:04:10

What is with you? You're like a different person.

1:04:131:04:17

No, I'm the same person, I've just noticed a few things.

1:04:171:04:20

I can't win. Call me a grouch, I just think that it's wrong

1:04:201:04:25

to let kids run around an airport unsupervised.

1:04:251:04:28

When you have children, you'll understand.

1:04:281:04:31

This isn't about unsupervised kids at an airport and you know it.

1:04:311:04:35

Excuse me. Sorry.

1:04:351:04:37

You don't seem interested in anything other than your book

1:04:441:04:47

or becoming head of the department. Why don't you ask?

1:04:471:04:51

OK.

1:04:521:04:54

What the hell's your problem?

1:04:541:04:56

I don't wanna talk about it right now.

1:04:561:04:59

I have it.

1:05:021:05:05

You don't seem... very happy.

1:05:081:05:12

I'm not happy, not even close.

1:05:121:05:15

# "You Still Need Me" - The Baby Animals

1:05:161:05:20

So, oh, I put some flowers on Mom's grave.

1:05:481:05:50

Like, just a dozen or so pink and white roses.

1:05:501:05:54

You kinda owe me 64.

1:05:551:05:58

SIGHS The 17th. I'm sorry.

1:05:581:06:02

No, it's... You know, it's not like Mom knew you weren't there.

1:06:021:06:07

Besides, I'm a big girl. I can... handle it.

1:06:071:06:10

How are you?

1:06:121:06:14

Maybe this weekend you and I could go ice skating like we used to.

1:06:161:06:21

Dad, you just got a huge book deal

1:06:231:06:26

and the head of the department is yours for the taking

1:06:261:06:29

and everything's kind of perfect for you,

1:06:291:06:31

so don't screw everything up, OK?

1:06:311:06:34

You know, I read in Cosmopolitan that it takes

1:06:351:06:39

about half the time you date someone to get over them.

1:06:391:06:42

And, what, you've dated Janet for just a few months?

1:06:421:06:46

-You read Cosmopolitan?

-I glance at it.

1:06:461:06:50

Like, at the supermarket, if the line's particularly long.

1:06:501:06:54

You know that physician?

1:06:561:06:58

She's just a rebound relationship, that's all.

1:06:591:07:03

A rebound from what?

1:07:031:07:06

From Mom.

1:07:061:07:08

Lawrence, congratulations on your book deal.

1:07:251:07:29

-Thank you.

-And James' poem being accepted by The New Yorker.

1:07:291:07:33

With his book, it may seem like bringing the other candidates

1:07:331:07:37

to campus is a waste of time but, um, we have to.

1:07:371:07:40

-What about his recommendation letter?

-Lawrence,

1:07:401:07:44

-tell us about your book.

-It's an examination of critical theory

1:07:441:07:48

from the standpoint that every school of criticism has failed us. I...

1:07:481:07:52

SIGHS

1:07:521:07:53

SIGHS It's...

1:07:531:07:56

Penguin Group seems to like it.

1:07:571:08:00

-MOANS

-KNOCK AT DOOR

1:08:011:08:04

Shit!

1:08:041:08:06

Er... I heard about The New Yorker.

1:08:131:08:16

Why didn't you tell me about the poem? I... I need to read it.

1:08:161:08:21

You need to read it? Now that I sold a poem to The New Yorker,

1:08:211:08:24

-I'm suddenly worthy of your attention?

-What's wrong with

1:08:241:08:27

a father wanting to hear about his son's success?

1:08:271:08:31

What are those doing here?

1:08:321:08:35

-He left those here last night.

-Are you working for him?

-No.

1:08:361:08:39

He left it here last night. He left his sweater, too. Hold on.

1:08:391:08:43

I thought that Chuck was staying at his girlfriend's.

1:08:451:08:48

He doesn't have a girlfriend.

1:08:481:08:51

He stays here a few nights every week to get away from you guys.

1:08:511:08:54

You have no idea what's going on, do you?

1:08:581:09:01

How's your head? Douchebag.

1:09:071:09:10

So, dinner will be ready at eight, if you're around.

1:09:171:09:21

Those jeans look really great.

1:09:221:09:24

And... they're really snug in all the right areas.

1:09:241:09:28

Don't say things like that to me.

1:09:291:09:32

-Why? I'm just...

-Just don't.

1:09:321:09:35

'So what is the lotus?'

1:09:421:09:45

Homer calls it a "honey-sweet fruit"

1:09:451:09:48

but for Tennyson it's not just a drug, is it?

1:09:481:09:51

It symbolises a desire for rest and death.

1:09:511:09:54

-What does it inspire in them?

-They're tired, they can't take it any more.

1:09:541:09:58

The lotus is about the possibility of oblivion.

1:09:581:10:01

What your CliffsNotes may not have mentioned is that

1:10:011:10:04

the eating of the lotus occasions a song.

1:10:041:10:07

-I didn't use CliffsNotes.

-You used SparkNotes. I read them, too.

1:10:071:10:11

-Where did their singing lead them?

-Singing lets them

1:10:111:10:14

imagine their way out of their misery.

1:10:141:10:17

'Since they can't go home, they sing of home

1:10:191:10:22

as the place where all the suffering is.'

1:10:221:10:26

The song becomes the doleful music of the miserable world

1:10:281:10:31

they no longer occupy, then... they just sit around

1:10:311:10:36

listening to it, drinking nectar and stuff.

1:10:361:10:40

Hey, Lawrence, got a minute? Can I read you something?

1:10:571:11:01

"In all my years of schooling, I've never encountered a professor

1:11:011:11:05

as deeply passionate about his subject as Professor Wetherhold was

1:11:051:11:08

back when I took his Victorian-novel course as a freshman."

1:11:081:11:11

"He helped us become strong, close readers and critical writers,

1:11:111:11:15

skills I've brought to my study of medicine. Janet Hartigan, MD."

1:11:151:11:19

Professor Wetherhold, I have a simple question.

1:11:261:11:31

Why do you wanna be head of the English department?

1:11:311:11:35

I've been thinking about that quite a bit lately.

1:11:361:11:39

How do you plan on rectifying

1:11:391:11:41

the systematic subjugation of women in this institution?

1:11:411:11:44

Oh, Julia, I haven't even vaguely considered that, nor do I plan to.

1:11:441:11:49

SIGHS You know what? None of you like me

1:11:491:11:53

and I don't blame you. I would make a lousy head of the department.

1:11:531:11:56

What this department needs is someone who likes to manage people,

1:11:561:12:00

who can make small talk and that's... I can't do that.

1:12:001:12:05

That's not me. I... I can't do it.

1:12:051:12:08

Sorry I wasted your time.

1:12:111:12:13

I'll just... stick to teaching for now.

1:12:171:12:22

-SHOUTING

-SIGHS

1:12:221:12:25

So, where's your girlfriend?

1:12:261:12:29

-Been hiding out here?

-Bye!

1:12:291:12:32

-See you, Chelsea.

-Can we talk?

1:12:321:12:34

Everyone in my life is going crazy.

1:12:371:12:41

You're the one that's crazy. And socially retarded.

1:12:411:12:45

You're the middle-aged man who was just hosting a college beer bash.

1:12:451:12:49

You know, Vanessa's becoming an android.

1:12:521:12:57

A scary clone, no friends,

1:12:571:13:01

too scared to be anything else. Just like you.

1:13:011:13:04

And you constantly take her for granted.

1:13:071:13:09

I do not take her for granted. I am continually impressed by her.

1:13:091:13:13

Did you know she was going to Stanford?

1:13:131:13:17

Early acceptance, last November.

1:13:171:13:19

-Why didn't she tell me?

-Why does she have to?

1:13:201:13:24

Why don't you ask?

1:13:251:13:28

-You drove the hot doctor out of your life.

-She left me.

1:13:301:13:35

Er, she can't handle my success. We're just not compatible.

1:13:351:13:39

You have the IQ of a dumb-ass ant.

1:13:391:13:42

-SIGHS

-But you know what? Maybe it's not gonna be so bad.

1:13:451:13:49

Vanessa's going away in the fall.

1:13:491:13:52

It'll just be the two of us, the Wetherhold bachelors -

1:13:521:13:56

middle-aged, can't get along with women, should be gay.

1:13:561:14:01

What are you doing here?

1:14:141:14:16

If you've come to tell me I can't go to Stanford, forget it.

1:14:161:14:19

I don't care if it's free,

1:14:191:14:21

I'm not going to the same school as James.

1:14:211:14:24

He sold a poem to The New Yorker.

1:14:241:14:26

-Even cretins win the lottery sometimes.

-SIGHS

1:14:261:14:30

I, er... won't be head of the department.

1:14:351:14:40

-I pulled myself out of the search.

-Insane!

1:14:401:14:44

-What are you trying to do to me?

-Just relax.

1:14:441:14:47

My book, that dumbed-down, gimmicky travesty of scholarship,

1:14:471:14:51

will pay for Stanford.

1:14:511:14:54

Satisfied?

1:14:551:14:57

What's going on between you and Chuck?

1:15:041:15:07

Nothing.

1:15:081:15:10

It's just... miscommunication.

1:15:121:15:16

A simple case of... middle-aged loser

1:15:161:15:19

trying to seduce his MUCH younger, bound-for-success niece.

1:15:191:15:24

I don't think you're very happy, Vanessa.

1:15:261:15:30

Well, you're not happy...

1:15:301:15:32

..and you're my role model.

1:15:351:15:37

KNOCK AT DOOR

1:15:481:15:51

You know what? I've had a monumentally shitty day.

1:15:521:15:55

You hate me. I get it. End of discussion.

1:15:551:15:58

I don't hate you.

1:16:041:16:06

You know what? I don't really get it. I don't get

1:16:081:16:12

that you spend the first few months trying to win me over,

1:16:121:16:15

which you do, and then make up some fake... girlfriend

1:16:151:16:20

and completely ditch me.

1:16:201:16:22

Well, that's not entirely

1:16:221:16:26

the whole story... is it?

1:16:261:16:29

Not really, I guess.

1:16:331:16:36

You know, when I moved in, I thought you were smart and funny.

1:16:411:16:46

I'm sorry that you misunderstood that.

1:16:461:16:49

But I'll... let you get back to that.

1:16:551:16:58

What are you gonna do?

1:16:581:17:00

Hmmm. Go in my room, do 1,000 push-ups.

1:17:021:17:07

Wow.

1:17:071:17:09

What are you gonna do with your life?

1:17:091:17:12

-Just, you know, sell phonecards or...?

-Right.

1:17:121:17:16

-Um... it is pretty good money...

-Sure.

1:17:161:17:19

..but I know what you mean. CHUCKLES Um...

1:17:191:17:23

You know, I, er, I like my life.

1:17:241:17:27

Yeah... we're, like, friends, I guess, right?

1:17:311:17:35

Yeah... we're friends.

1:17:381:17:41

Can you make me something to eat, friend?

1:17:591:18:02

Order pizza, with the works.

1:18:021:18:04

Wake up! I need to run a few errands before school.

1:18:201:18:25

-GROANS SLEEPILY

-Wake up.

1:18:251:18:29

# "If Only" - Nuno Bettencourt

1:18:301:18:33

Hello.

1:18:441:18:46

Hold on, I want... I want that.

1:18:561:18:59

-May I have a tax receipt?

-There you go.

1:19:021:19:06

Hah! Thanks, bro. It was starting to get a little cold out here.

1:19:181:19:22

You sat on the right side and you didn't throw up. Good work.

1:19:321:19:37

Pull over, up here.

1:19:371:19:39

Now, remember, four words - I'm sorry. I love you.

1:19:391:19:44

-That's five words.

-This is no time to count words, Professor.

1:19:441:19:48

Hey!

1:19:511:19:53

Don't forget, "I'm sorry! I love you!"

1:19:551:20:00

-What'd he say?

-I love you, too, man!

1:20:031:20:07

Hey, where you goin'!

1:20:081:20:10

-May I sit down?

-Sure.

1:20:181:20:21

-How are you?

-I'm good.

1:20:211:20:23

-How are you?

-I'm -

-How's the book coming?

1:20:231:20:26

Thank you for this.

1:20:261:20:29

I didn't write it. You should check with Vanessa,

1:20:331:20:36

she does good work, though the signature's not even close.

1:20:361:20:40

I...

1:20:411:20:43

-This is humiliating. I'll see you.

-No, wait. Wait, wait.

1:20:461:20:50

-Just wait.

-SIGHS

1:20:511:20:54

Listen, um...

1:20:541:20:57

..I haven't had any, um, grand epiphany

1:20:581:21:01

or made any sweeping changes in my personality

1:21:011:21:05

over the past... few weeks. I know I'm a miserable asshole

1:21:051:21:10

but, er... I do have some hope for myself.

1:21:101:21:15

Lawrence, I'm pregnant.

1:21:181:21:20

And, according to my calculations,

1:21:221:21:25

this pregnancy is the result of the first time.

1:21:251:21:29

-Well, why didn't you tell me?

-Because you were being such an ass.

1:21:351:21:40

You were not exactly a wellspring of emotional information.

1:21:411:21:45

Why would you have a baby with me?

1:21:491:21:52

Because you don't know how to properly use a condom.

1:21:521:21:56

Message received.

1:21:581:22:01

You're intelligent, right?

1:22:131:22:16

And you're not... you're not unattractive.

1:22:161:22:21

I mean, it's not like it's a total genetic crap-shoot.

1:22:241:22:28

SIGHS Though you do have some deficits.

1:22:291:22:33

But you came here today.

1:22:371:22:39

We can figure this out.

1:22:421:22:45

SIGHS We're smart people.

1:22:461:22:48

I'm sorry. I love you.

1:22:561:22:58

-It's not up to you. It's not up to me.

-SIGHS

1:23:051:23:11

-Sorry.

-Er, Chuck, you stay, please.

1:23:151:23:20

It's just that you have options

1:23:201:23:22

and you should be aware of all of them.

1:23:221:23:26

Well, you have options, too, Vanessa.

1:23:261:23:29

You can either continue to be miserable or you can just stop

1:23:291:23:33

being angry at everyone and accept the way things are.

1:23:331:23:37

Allow yourself to live.

1:23:371:23:40

You sound like a stupid motivational speaker.

1:23:421:23:45

You're not listening to me. You're not.

1:23:491:23:54

I am not cleaning any dirty diapers.

1:24:041:24:06

'Morning.'

1:24:281:24:30

Matthew Arnold, one of the writers we'll be studying this semester,

1:24:301:24:34

wrote that, "Culture is the pursuit of our total perfection,

1:24:341:24:38

the best which has been thought and said in the world."

1:24:381:24:43

Now, my name is Lawrence Wetherhold.

1:24:441:24:46

You may call me Professor Wetherhold or Dr Wetherhold

1:24:461:24:50

but you may not call me, "Hey, you," or, "Yo, Teach," or, "Dude,"

1:24:501:24:55

because none of these terms of address could possibly be the prelude

1:24:551:24:59

to intelligent comment or question. Let's get to know one another.

1:24:591:25:03

Um... Joseph Anderson.

1:25:031:25:05

Joseph, where you from?

1:25:051:25:09

# "Pursuit of Happiness" - Nuno Bettencourt

1:25:131:25:17

# So you got to go but you don't know where

1:25:271:25:30

# All that you know is you can't stay here

1:25:301:25:35

# What's left to do but wish you the best?

1:25:351:25:39

# In your pursuit

1:25:391:25:41

# of happiness

1:25:411:25:43

# You say it's not me, it's just you

1:25:431:25:47

# But I'm the only one

1:25:471:25:50

# In the room

1:25:501:25:52

# Asking myself why you have left

1:25:521:25:55

# In your pursuit

1:25:551:25:58

# of happiness

1:25:581:26:01

# In your pursuit

1:26:011:26:02

# of happiness. #

1:26:021:26:05

# "Stitch" - The Baby Animals

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# Baby, won't you help me

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# be my best?

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# Help me find a way back

1:26:321:26:36

# to our nest

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# And dreams... #

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Subtitles by IMS

1:26:571:26:59

Lawrence Wetherhold is an English teacher who mourns his dead wife and ignores his teenage daughter Vanessa. His life is turned round by two people: Chuck, his adopted brother, and Janet, a doctor who used to be his student. A shambolic romance ensues.


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