The Accidental Husband

'Reesa from Manhattan, you're on the air.'

-'I date a lot of guys.'

-'Uh-huh.'

-'I mean, a lot.

'I've had more blind dates than a Seeing Eye dog. You know why?'

-'I'm on tenterhooks. Shoot.'

-'I'm looking for the real thing,

'but I want to feel love, the kind where you're so delirious

'you can barely breathe or eat.'

'I'm waiting for a Prince Charming who will sweep me off my feet,

'slam me into a wall, and bang my...'

Let me stop you right there, Reesa.

First, I don't think love is supposed to deny you of your food

or oxygen supply. Love is supposed to nourish you.

'I'm just saying I want the fairy tale. I want the excitement,

-'the romance, you know?'

-Yeah, I do. This Prince Charming of yours

doesn't exist. He's probably good for a few nights in the sack,

then his charm will run thin, which is what charm does.

'I hear ya, but what I'm saying is that I want to be deeply

-'and passionately in love.'

-You want to be passionately in love?

I see. You know who's a bigger flake than your buddy Prince Charming?

His brother, Prince Passion. Reesa, if you are truly serious

about wanting to find real, lasting love in this town,

I'm going to have to dish out tough love to you.

-'Uh-oh.'

-This serial dating of yours is a waste of time.

You can't find something when you don't know what you're looking for.

You're playing the field, right? Hoping that somebody will want you,

when it's you who needs to figure out what it is you want.

Anybody can fall in love, but you deserve a man

with the emotional maturity to stay in love.

Don't settle for a boyfriend when you can demand a man friend.

-'I'm not really the demanding type.'

-Don't go there, Reesa.

Hear what she's doing, listeners?

'That is the sound of a woman who settles for second best.

'Why do we do that? I mean, deep down we know we deserve better,

'so why do we keep lowering our standards?'

I devote a chapter to this in my new book, Real Love,

which comes to stores on Wednesday. I've finally learned

that unless you demand real love for yourself,

you're going to get seriously hurt.

'How am I supposed to know if love is real?'

Spell it out for yourselves. R, is he responsible?

E, is he your equal?

-A, is he an adult?

-Are you blind?

And most of all, L, is he loving?

-That's a ridiculous call!

-Know anybody like that?

-'Not really.'

-Hold out for it, Reesa.

-You'll be so glad you did.

-'Oh, Dr Lloyd, you are such a lifesaver.

-'Thank you so much.'

-You're welcome. All right, next caller.

-Patrick! Come on!

-Where'd she go?

-Hopefully, to buy you a muzzle.

-Keep your mouth quiet next time.

-Move it, move it.

-If there is a next time.

-Come on.

-SHOW TUNE MUSIC

-Show tunes.

-MUSIC CHANGING

-Show tunes.

-More show tunes.

-I like show tunes!

-Obviously.

-It's sad.

-Oh, there's the Love Doctor.

-I hate that lady.

-My lady loves this.

-Mine, too.

-Your... Wh-Who?

-I mean my mother.

-What is that?

You're a beast.

Next caller. Sofia of Astoria, you're on the air.

-Hi. Hi, am I on?

-'Yeah. Yeah, here we are. Let's go.'

Well, I'm supposed to be getting married this weekend

-and I'm having second thoughts.

-'Second, third, fourth?'

-What do you mean?

-Have you thought about calling this off for a while?

-I took your online compatibility test and he scored a 12.

-'OK.'

That test helps predict long-term compatibility.

-'You're right to consider this...'

-Is this Sofia?

..very carefully. 43% of marriages end in divorce.

You don't want that. How long have you known this guy?

About five months, but he's a really good guy and all, and...

B-But five months?

Sofia, are you scared of being alone?

-I guess so, maybe, yeah.

-'You know what's scarier than being alone?

'You know what's worse? Being alone with the wrong guy

'for the rest of your life. You got it?'

Doesn't sound like an average case of jitters.

Wait, are you saying I should call off the wedding?

I'm running out of time, caller, but you know deep inside

what you need to do. Thank you for calling. Good luck.

Knock-knock.

-Who's there?

-This is your publisher speaking.

Mm, we don't want any.

-Hm.

-Read 'em and weep.

-Oh, really?

-There's only one way to find out.

No, no. I'm too nervous. You read it.

"The Doctor is in. The first book from local talk radio sensation

"Dr Emma Lloyd, Real Love establishes Lloyd

-"as the latest khoja of modern romance."

-The latest what?

-What did they call me?

-Khoja.

-I don't know what that means.

I don't even know how to spell it. K-H...

What kind of word is khoja? ..O...

-They're just showing off, really.

-OK.

For this popular magazine to review a self-help book

and pull out a word like...khoja,

from the Turkish "hoca". A, a title of respect for teacher. Hm.

-B, a wise man.

-Or woman.

Oh! Or C, a subsect of ancient Ismaili assassins.

-Hm. Lets go with A, for teacher, shall we?

-I don't know.

The assassin thing, I wouldn't throw that out.

-Hm. I love those people from New York Magazine.

-Geniuses.

-Should I write a thank-you note?

-Send a fruit basket.

Mm. I love fruit.

Yeah, well, that's why I'm marrying you, my Khoja.

-Hm.

-We're not done. We're not done with comments.

-Ah.

-OK.

-OK, let's see.

"Dr Lloyd's analysis of love's dos and don'ts is both insightful

-"and trenchant."

-Trenchant! What does that mean?

-Direct and incisive.

-Gimme a break.

-What? I saw it on Jeopardy.

-Why didn't they just say,

-"Read the book, ruin your life?"

-Read the sports page to us, huh?

"Physical gifts can offer such insightful observations

-"into the human heart is a thing of wonder."

-Whoa!

-Trouble, one o'clock.

-"She is chicken soup for the heart."

Hey! Hey, Sofia!

-Uh-oh.

-Sof!

-Here we go.

I'm reading about the lady that helped you plunge a knife

through my heart. Very trenchant stuff.

I can't talk now because I got to be someplace.

We'll give you a ride. Hey, fellas! Stop the truck!

Sof, come on. You haven't returned any of my calls.

-Well, I've been busy.

-Sofia, give the guy a break.

-Talk to him, Sof.

-I can't.

Oh, don't do that, Sof! Come out here! Sofia!

Please come out here so that we can talk.

No, no, no, not you, sir. You can put your hands down.

-Firemen. We don't arrest people.

-We'll hose you down.

Sof! I'm not going to go anywhere until you come out here.

I don't understand. You know, one minute we're gettin' married,

talkin' about names for our kids, and the next,

-because some fruitcake...

-She's a doctor.

-Of what, Sof?

Of what? Talk to me, here.

Patrick, it's over.

I'm sorry. OK? It's over.

I got to go.

Show's over, folks! Let's keep it movin'! What are ya lookin' at?

-WOMAN:

-'I met someone I like but my friends tell me he's wrong for me.'

-What do your friends say?

-'We have nothing in common, it's just sex.'

I'm just running away from many more appropriate men who pursue me

-because I'm...

-Afraid of the real thing?

-So they say.

-There's Patrick!

-Oh, Patrick!

ALL TALK AT ONCE Patrick...

Quiet! Leave the man alone. Can you not see that his heart is broken?

How can he eat when the woman that he loved abandoned him forever,

virtually without explanation and may be, at this very moment,

cuckolding him with some other man?

HE CHUCKLES

-Good night, everybody.

-Cuckolding? What does that mean?

ALL CHATTER

-Hey.

-I'll be right with you.

I'm giving Ann Coulter's frequent flyer miles to Michael Moore.

This hacking's out of hand.

-You can get in serious trouble.

-Too late. Bon voyage, Mr Moore.

You see that clipping on the Love Doctor's wedding plans?

-Who in their right mind is going to marry her?

-Whoever we want.

-What do you mean?

-Check this out.

-Who's that?

-That's her.

-The Love Doctor?

-I got it off her birth certificate.

-Oh, I don't know about this, Ajay.

-What are you talking about?

All you ever do is walk around muttering about

giving her a piece of your mind or fixing her wagon.

For one, I've never said, "fix her wagon."

If you've moved on, that's different,

-and I'm happy you finally put this behind you.

-Wait, whoa.

Sh-Sh... Maybe me telling her how I feel

and holding her accountable would be,

you know, important for my growth or whatever. What do you think?

What am I, your yogi? I thought you just wanted a little payback.

-Let's do it.

-Nice.

-COMPUTER BEEPS

-Oh, no, now you're married.

-I'm married.

-I'm what?

-Already married.

-According to who?

"According to whom." The state of New York.

-That's impossible.

-I have never been married.

You must have the wrong Emma Lloyd.

-Emmaline Willing Lloyd?

-HE LAUGHS

-Your real name is Emmaline?

-There's a lot of things

-you don't know about her.

-How do we fix this?

Annulment forms. Fill them out,

-have them notarised, bring them back.

-I can't believe I didn't know.

-Your husband needs to sign them, too.

-Fiance.

-Husband.

-I don't have a husband.

-Then who is

-Patrick Thomas Sullivan of Astoria, New York?

-Who is he?

-(I don't know.)

-He's your husband.

-His address is right there.

-Astoria?

-Queens.

I know a lawyer who can sort this quietly.

-I'm sure that won't be necessary.

-It will. I've got a book to launch.

-Yours, I might add.

-You don't think I was married?

-No, it's not that,

-it's just the timing of this could not be worse.

-I know.

I'm in the middle of recalling 70,000 copies of a moving memoir

by a new author we've trumpeted as the next Maya Angelou

who turns out to have plagiarised guess who? Maya Angelou.

-I forgot about that.

-I didn't, and the headline

"Love Doctor A Polygamist" just flashed before my eyes.

-Hold these.

-And on top of everything is the Bollenbecker takeover.

They haven't announced which publishers they're keeping,

so one author who can't seem to help herself from being married,

-and Abdington Books could be history.

-I understand completely.

Trust me, I'll take care of it. Everything will be fine.

Oh, no, darling. Naughty choccy.

-You don't need this.

-You're right. Moment of weakness.

-Go get 'em.

-Taxi!

Bye, sweetie.

EMMA: Hello?

Hello?

Hello? Excuse me?

You're not Patrick Sullivan, are you?

-You are? No.

-May I help you?

-I hope so. Is this 2301, 33rd Street?

-Yes,

-it is.

-I'm looking for someone who lives here

-by the unlikely name of Patrick Sullivan.

-Patrick.

BOTH SPEAK FOREIGN LANGUAGE

Keep going, tall lady! Keep going!

Excuse me?

Excuse me, sir?

Officer?

-Hello!

-Hey.

-Hey, I'm sorry, I...

-No, no, no! It's fine.

Um, can you tell me how I can find Patrick Sullivan?

-We couldn't get that lady out.

-She weighed 500 pounds!

-She knocked you with her skillet.

-Frying pan.

-Patrick?

-Yeah. Ah!

-You won't believe this but that home-wrecking lady

-from the radio just walked in.

-I believe you.

-Can I help you?

-I'm looking for Patrick Sullivan.

-I was told at the fire station he might be here.

-Right over there.

-Just looked over.

-What are you havin'?

-Um, whatever he's having.

-I'll bring it right over.

-It's walkin' right this way.

-It's takin' its coat off.

-How do you do?

It just looked at me again. It's comin' over here.

It's comin' right for me. What does it want?

Patrick Sullivan? You're not an easy man to find.

-I'm Emma Lloyd.

-It thinks I'm you. Help me out here, huh?

Hey, I, er... I dropped my chalk. I'm Patrick Sullivan.

-This is my opponent, Larry Berlson.

-Oh! Mr Sullivan, Mr Berlson.

-How do you do? I'm here for the oddest reason.

-We all are.

-Here you are.

-Is this mine?

-Mind if I interrupt your game?

-Knock yourself out.

-I didn't mean...

-You don't play?

-I can...

Then you're stripes. Down the hatch.

-No, Mr Sullivan. I'm here to...

-You don't drink?

You don't play pool? Perhaps I can get you a herbal tea?

LAUGHTER

Nine in the corner.

-We need another round over here.

-Mr Sullivan?

Something unfortunate has happened and it could make a mess of my life.

-Sorry to hear that.

-It's certainly not your fault.

-It's still your shot.

-Um, all right.

Well, how can I explain? You see, um, er, I'm about to be married.

-ALL: Aw!

-That's too bad! Congratulations on the other thing.

-Hey, we got a bride in our midst.

-ALL CHEER AND APPLAUD

-Another round.

-That won't be necessary.

-It's necessary.

I feel a toast coming on. Wait a second,

-I know you.

-Excuse me?

-Yeah, yeah.

Real Love with Dr Emma Lloyd, that lady I hear on the radio.

Yes, of course. You found me out.

-Have you ever been on television?

-No, but I have a book coming out.

-I love television.

-My girlfriend never misses your show.

-Oh, well, has it been helpful in your relationship?

-Oh, you have no idea.

-It's completely changed our lives!

-Oh, really? That is so nice to hear.

-Here you go.

-To the bride and ever-changing life!

-To the bride!

ALL: To the bride!

Hm. Mr Sullivan, as I was saying, you see, I'm about to be married.

Hey, be careful. 43% of marriages end in divorce.

That's right. It's all about picking the right partner.

So true. It's so true. In order to do that, my fiance, Richard, and I

-need a licence from New York...

-Richard from Dispatch?

So, on an otherwise lovely morning, we go down to city hall...

-To Emma and Richie!

-ALL: Emma and Richie!

-Richard! And I don't want any more.

-Hey, you're right.

You don't want Richie to see you hammered before your wedding.

-Tony! Give me that herbal tea over here.

-Herbal tea coming up!

One for me, please. ALL EXCLAIM

Very funny, Mr Sullivan. Very funny.

-I'll have you know I don't get drunk.

-You don't?

No. My father taught me a good trick to hold one's liquor.

You simply recite the Presidents' names in order.

-Out loud?

-Forwards or backwards?

-Watch and learn, gentlemen.

To Washington, Adams, Jefferson, Madison and Monroe.

Carter! ALL: Carter!

Reagan! ALL: Reagan!

Bush! ALL: Bush!

Do you think maybe we should pour you into a cab?

-Maybe your fiance's worried.

-Oh, that's right!

-That is exactly what I came to talk to you about.

-OK.

-Yes, Mr Sullivan, it seems we're married.

-Come again?

We...are married!

-I thought you were marrying Richie.

-Exactly!

-I'm over here.

-Right!

Uh, yes, it seems that we... I mean, we are victims of a glitch

in some computer, somewhere, somehow,

-I don't know, has married us.

-A glitch?

-Mm-hm. I'll say a big one.

-Oh, boy.

So, um, if, um, you'd just be...

so kind as to sign these papers, I'd... Agh!

Agh! Ow! ALL GROAN

LAUGHTER

Washington, Madison, Adamson...

-Are you a fireman?

-Indeed, I am.

-I always liked you guys.

SHE SIGHS

The lights are out now.

HE GRUNTS

HE PANTS

-BANG

-Sorry about that.

HE GRUNTS

HE SIGHS

(Ooh! Ouch!)

MOBILE RINGS

RINGING STOPS

EMMA GROANS

MUSIC: "Yaro Yarodi" by AR Rahman

Oh, no.

SHE GASPS

Oh!

Hello? (Oh, no!)

Oh, no! Oh, no!

SHE GASPS

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh... Oh!

Oh, my God.

SHE SCREAMS

SHE GASPS

Oh!

Excuse me.

-Good morning, Dr Lloyd.

-Oh, good morning.

-Wait!

-Someone had a rough night.

-Oh, yeah.

Excuse me.

-Oh, my.

-I need the emergency outfit.

-What?

-The emergency outfit! The outfit I keep for emergencies.

Richard called six and a half times. The last time, he hung up.

-Is he worried about Bollenbecker?

-Can you get him?

-On the phone?

-Why do you do that?

-It's fun.

-The outfit?

-Not here.

-I had a date.

-Oh!

-Did you know we're not remotely the same size?

-Richard, aspirin, coffee!

-Oh, and your father...

-Now!

-Please hold. Richard, line one!

-PHONE RINGS

Richard, sweetheart. I am so sorry I didn't call.

-'I've been worried sick.'

-I was in Queens

so I thought I'd stay at my father's and go over wedding stuff.

And he brought you in this morning with your mum's dress.

He brought me back in with my mum's wedding dress.

-Your father's here.

-She knows that.

-'What about Sullivan?'

-(It's beautiful.)

-'Emma?'

-Yes! I found Sullivan.

-Coffee, Wilder?

-I'd love some.

-Aspirin.

-I've got the papers.

-'You have them?'

-No, not on me.

-MOBILE RINGS

-Coffee filters?

-I don't work here.

-I know they have to be notarised. (Can you get that?)

-Sure.

I have everything under control. You have enough on your plate.

-Don't...

-Emma, your husband would like a few words with you.

-Who?

-Who?

-Patrick Sullivan?

-'You don't even have them on you?'

-Sweetheart, can you, um, can you hold, please?

-'Emma...'

-Not a word.

-'Hello? Hey, you there? Hello?'

-Agh! Mr Sullivan?

-'Hey.'

-Let me get to the point.

-I left some very important documents in your...

-Richard! Phone!

Uh, can you just hold on one teeny, tiny second? Don't go away.

Richard, sweetheart,

-I am so sorry to keep you holding.

-'What's going on?'

-I'll explain

-at the cake tasting. But you promised.

-'I'll meet you tonight.'

All right. OK. PHONE RINGS

-Husband! Cell!

-Oh! Mr Sullivan?

-Dr Lloyd's office.

-Mr Sullivan!

-Wilder here.

-Mr Sullivan? Hello?

-It's your father on two.

-Got to run, darling!

Going to wait for your coffee?

-Nobody's got that kind of time.

-What are you smirking about, Wilder?

I'm just glad to see you're having fun.

Does it look like I'm having fun? Wait.

You drove all the way in just to bring mum's dress?

Actually, I was hoping to lure you over to Bemelmans

-for a banana split like the old days.

-Bemelmans has been closed

-for ten years.

-Ah, well, my timing's always been a little off.

-MOBILE RINGS

-Don't keep your husbands waiting.

-It's not what you think.

-Yeah, I know.

Mr Sullivan? Thank you so much for calling back.

-Excuse me?

-What do you want?

-Car's downstairs. You're late.

-Mr Sullivan.

-'Yes.'

-Yes, about last night.

-What exactly happened?

-'Well, you do one hell of a Riverdance.'

-Uh-huh.

-'It was quite a night.'

-That doesn't sound like me.

-'And that wasn't the good part.'

-What do you mean?

-'I'm here.'

You're where? Hey, I'm losing you. Hello?

Can you hear me now? Look, forget last night.

What I want is a large stack of papers I need you to sign.

-I got 'em right here.

-You do! Thanks. You made my day.

-Coffee?

-Thank you.

-I know a notary not far from here.

-Right now?

-This appointment took me three months to get.

-Sounds important.

-It's a cake tasting.

-Like I said, important.

It's the wedding cake and she's Marilyn Hirschfield,

a respected cake maker. These appointments are hard - I love cake!

-Wh-What are you doing?

-Scoot over.

-Hey!

-This cake is fantastic!

-Ssh! Please, please. Be quiet.

-Hey,

-can I get another slice, please?

-You've tried the butter cream, sir.

-It's my fiancee. She's on the fence about the butter cream.

-I am not.

-Do you have any milk?

-Sure.

-After this, we go to the notary?

-Yeah, absolutely. How much is this?

-It's free, sir.

-It's free!

-Here you are, sir.

-Here's my milk.

-Would you like a sip?

-No, thank you. I'm not six.

I need a spoon. Don't worry about it.

-I got this.

-Here, we have our dark Belgian chocolate

-with vanilla mousse torte.

-Thank you.

-It's awesome.

Oh, my God! Do you know if you mix these two together,

it tastes like a Ring Ding! You got to try this.

No, no, no, that's fine. I'm not your baby and...

-No, no, no, no, no!

-Ah!

-No!

-Ah!

-Mmm?

-Ah?

-Mm. It's yummy.

-It's super-duper.

-Mm-hm.

-Um, may I, um...have just one more glass of milk, please?

-Attagirl!

-Milk for my bride. In fact, milks all around.

-Milks all around.

-Hey, where you ladies from?

-Germany.

-Wow!

You must like cake. You got to try this and mix these two together.

Can we get some Ring Ding things for the gals over here, please?

Darling, everyone is being attended to.

Baby, I got this covered. Don't you worry about it.

-Quite a handful you got there.

-That he is.

Impulsive, unpredictable. You never know what he's going to do next.

-Full of surprises.

-But that's the fun of it, isn't it?

-Of course it is.

-It is, trust me.

-Here you go, ladies.

-He reminds me of my husband when we first met.

Everybody thought we were a total mismatch, but we had so much fun.

-And we still do 25 years later.

-Hey! What are you ladies talkin' about

-over here?

-Talking about the men in our lives.

-Ah, boys.

Oh, stop. Never mind. How did you two meet?

Oh, honey, y-you tell the story. You tell it a lot better than I do.

No, no, no, no, no. No, you tell it. You're the good, er, teller of it.

-Please?

-All right, all right, sure.

-You ladies heard of pro wrestling?

-Stop! Kidder!

Oh, he's such a kidder. Kidder. It was a, um, er...

-a blind date.

-Oh?

-Yeah, yeah, we were fixed up.

Yes! Fixed up, but not with each other.

It was two separate blind dates in the same bar.

-Both goin' terribly.

-Horribly! Think about those people who set us up.

-Susie and Allen.

-Susie and Allen.

-What did they know?

-I don't know.

-Anyway, I guess he noticed me.

-Well, I mean, come on, look at her.

-A guy would have to be blind.

-Noticed me suffering on my bad date

and then the band started playing this song and it was my favourite,

and suddenly he was next to me and he asked me to dance, and...I said yes.

-What was the song?

-Song?

-Mm-hm?

-Oh, yeah, the song. Oh.

# Over night scenes

# Dinner and wine

# Saturday girls

# I was never in love

# Never had the time

-Honey, Every Woman In The World.

-Every Woman In The World.

# Laughing myself to sleep

# Waking up lonely

# I needed someone to hold me Oh, oh, oh

ALL: # Girl, you're every woman

# In the world to me

# You're my fantasy

# You're my reality... #

That's it! Uh, that's the song.

That was off the top of my head. We've known each other two hours

-and we already got a song.

-We don't have a song.

How long is this going to take?

Emma Lloyd, Deepak Manaam Chaturvedi.

-Mr Manaam Chatur...

-Deep. Deep.

-Mr Deep.

-I recognise you.

The passed-out lady Patrick carries around.

Yes, that would be me.

-I brought you a little something.

-Oh, how very thoughtful.

Do we have to do this right now?

-Delicious. It's not unlike a Ring Ding.

-What did I tell you?

I'm sure you'd love a glass of milk with that

but I have to get changed for my book party, so if you don't mind...

-Don't rush me. I'm a notary public. I took a test.

-OK, I'm sorry.

-Um, how long do you think this will take?

-Let's just review, hm?

Signatures...check.

Dates...check.

-All you need is my seal and you'll be on your way in ten minutes.

-Oh!

Uh, an hour.

A year. It'll take as long as it takes. Who can say?

Is there anything you can do to hurry? I can pay extra.

-Trying to bribe a public official?

-Oh, this is ridiculous. I'm late!

I'm late and I'll send a messenger in the morning.

-That will be more than enough time.

-I could bring it by the office.

-No.

I will send a messenger. Thank you, Mr Sullivan, for your cooperation.

Well, thank you for thanking me, Mrs Sullivan.

-A year?

-Patrick, I'm out. Out. You had your fun but this is too far.

You should be ashamed. A nice lady like that?

I wanted to give her a taste of her own medicine,

and then I... I don't know, I...

-She's starting to grow on me.

-No. Look, no growing, OK?

No growing on anyone by anyone, no knees weakened, no shines taken to,

none of it. Not on my watch.

Now, go. You and Ajay have caused enough trouble.

Out!

-Dr Lloyd! This way, please!

-Over here, please!

-Dr Lloyd?

-Dr Lloyd? This camera, please.

-Smile, please.

Oh, beautiful, thank you.

-Hi.

-Eye contact, please?

-Sign this.

-This way, please.

-And where's Richard?

-Right over there.

-Thanks.

-Hi!

-Not too shabby, huh?

-No, it's wonderful. I can't believe it.

-Sign these.

-OK.

-I have so much to tell you.

-Did you get the papers?

-Um, they're at the notary.

-Excellent. Karl Bollenbecker's here.

-Make that out to him.

-Oh?

-He wasn't coming,

-then his office said he was. Good or bad?

-How could it be bad?

-He hasn't even met you.

-You look stunning.

-Thanks.

-What happened to your head?

-Oh, bird accident.

A pigeon flew into me. I'll go take care of it.

-Emma? You remember Dr Benton?

-Yes, hi. Nice to see you. Hi, Judy.

No sooner do we leave you than, bang, I see your picture on a bus.

-Oh! From the cake tasting!

-I felt so foolish,

-I went and bought your book immediately.

-Oh, that's unnecessary.

Later, I was reading your very sensible observation

-and your clinical judgments...

-Are they good things?

I'm sure some people find them useful, but I was surprised

that a helpless romantic can give practical advice.

-Me? Helpless?

-Oh, yes, you. Hopelessly helpless.

But let me finish. So my husband, Karl,

returns to the home and on top of his paper

there is an invitation to this very party. Isn't it amazing?

When you say Karl, do you mean Karl... BOTH: Bollenbecker.

-SHE GASPS

-It's a small world, isn't it?

Yes! Teeny! Like a marble.

-Or a gumball.

-I had to drag Karl by the ear to come here.

-Well, it is a girlie book.

-Oh, it's not that. Karl can be very girly.

He doesn't like to socialise with someone

-whose company he intends to liquidate.

-Liquidate?

-Who, Richard?

-Yes, but we can fix that.

After this party, you and Richard will join us for dinner.

-If Karl sees the man I saw, Abdington Books will be safe.

-Oh.

Well, that is unbelievably kind of you,

but you see, Richard and I made plans, so we're supposed to...

The only thing you're supposed to do is to bring your fiance to dinner.

Let's find Richard. Karl is waiting.

Oh! Oh, oh, my husband hates you, but you saved our marriage.

-Do you mind?

-Not at all. Um, who shall I make it out to?

-To...

Richard!

Um... Thank you.

-Oh, hey, hey. I brought your papers.

-Richard! Sweetheart.

Please go with me on this, OK?

-Do you remember Greta Bollenbecker?

-It's the cake lady!

-It's a small world.

-So small. Constantly shrinking.

-It must be the global warming.

-I want to introduce you to my husband.

Her husband, Karl Bollenbecker, has just acquired your publishing house

and he's thinking of dumping you, Richard, and it.

-Wait, I own a publishing house?

-Yes, and you're my fiance,

-so please just focus, concentrate. Got it?

-This is him.

-You must be the cake dunker.

-You got me.

-That's my Richard!

-Casual Fridays?

-Uh, I actually just came from soccer practice.

-You play football?

-Well, I'm no Lucas Podolski.

Podolski! Well, nothing could beat Podolski! I own his team -

-a genius.

-You own the Bayern Munchen club?

Why don't you use Klose on defence? He's been underutilised.

-That's what I told that stupid coach.

-Klinsmann?

-Got to go.

-On this we agree.

-Excuse me.

-My name's... Ow! Jesus, Emma!

-What? Hand noogies!

We give each other hand noogies. This is my brother, Carl.

-Your name is Carl as well? This is a small world!

-Yes, teeny!

Like a gimlet. Yes, my tiny, teeny little brother, but not small.

No. Big. Older, but not by much.

-Carl, who I love so very, very much.

-How's it goin', bro?

-Wine?

-I'm sorry, I'm suddenly very thirsty.

-Carl? Carl?

-(Carl.)

-Carl?

This is Karl Bollenbecker and I'm Greta, his wife,

and we're so charmed by your sister.

And her outspoken fiance who seems to find fault

-with every player in the Bundesliga.

-But not Podolski.

-But never Podolski!

-THEY LAUGH

So, you sound English, but your sister...

-Incredible, isn't it? Can I borrow Emma?

-But we both had... I'm sorry.

SHE SCREAMS BOTH: A hand noogie!

-Who is that man pretending to be me?

-I can explain.

-He's wearing sweatpants.

-It's Sullivan! You're stress-eating.

-I'm not. Go on.

-I wasn't at my father's, I was with Sullivan.

Not "with him" with him but in his apartment, drunk.

That sounds worse. I assure you, I was fully clothed.

Beyond that, I'm not certain, except he showed up

with papers when I had to go to the tasting, which you refused to go to

-because you're busy.

-Get back to the Bollenbeckers!

-Fine.

So, at the cake tasting, there was this sweet lady,

and she thought Sullivan was my fiance and I couldn't disappoint her,

but this lady wasn't sweet at all. She was Mrs Bollenbecker,

-which I didn't know.

-You certainly know now!

-Yes, I do.

Had I known, I wouldn't have let the whole thing continue, but it did,

and everyone was taken with him, especially Mrs Bollenbecker

-when he sang.

-He's a singer?

-No, no, no. He's a fireman.

-Darling, are you sure you want that?

-Yes. Yes, I am.

-What is he doing here?

-He came to bring me the notarised papers

but then there was Mrs Bollenbecker. I'm Emma Lloyd and so he's my fiance.

-And I am tiny brother Carl.

-Oh, Richard, I'm terribly sorry,

but, er... Oh, look! Mini cupcakes.

Look, I only got about half of what you're saying

but this can be cleaned up easily, so before you harpoon

what is left of my reputation, I am going to go in there...

-No, no, no, you can't! They're going to exterminate you.

-What?

Not you, Abdington Books. No, terminate! No, liquidate!

That's it. Yes, chop it up in little pieces, everything must go!

-That's why Karl wasn't coming.

-But he did come!

Because Mrs B made him come. She made him come so he could meet you. Look.

I think he's really starting to like you.

Oh, all right, I... Let me think now.

He owns so many entities, I can buy a year before our paths cross,

so we just have to get through this. A few more minutes?

And a dinner. Tonight. It was Mrs B's idea, so Karl could get to know you.

-He's gone.

-Karl?

-No, Sullivan.

-He's gone.

-But the dinner!

-Well, get him there!

Oh, er...

-Is Sullivan even in here?

-I don't see how he'd fit.

Not now, Marcy.

-Find the lioness within.

-Now, you've read my book?

Mr Sullivan, Emma Lloyd here. Here's the deal.

My entire career and my marriage to Richard, probably, are at stake here.

Frankly, I need you. I really need you...tonight.

ALL LAUGH, SPEAK GERMAN

MOBILE RINGS

-Hello?

-'Say "Yes" if he's there, "Oh, my God" if he's not.'

-Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

-'Don't overdo it.'

-You got hit by a cab?

-'Good, nice touch.'

What hospital are you in? I'll be right there. He was hit by a cab!

-Who was hit by a cab?

-'Who's that?'

-'Is that Sullivan?'

-Oh! So it was only your foot?

-And you're fine. Promise?

-'Is that Sullivan?'

-Oh!

Carl, he got... A cab ran over his foot. Heh.

-Yeah.

-Carl can't catch a break.

-Drink lots of cocoa. Bye-bye, darling!

I was beginning to think a man who would leave his fiancee unattended

for so long might not be as charming as I imagined.

But no matter. Please, join us for dessert.

Karl, I know how important this dinner is to my future

with the Bollenbecker Group, but I've got this family thing

and where I come from, family comes first,

so I'm just here to invite you to a party.

Could be a lot of fun.

-To family! Above all else!

-To family!

LAUGHS

PEOPLE CHEERING, UPBEAT INDIAN MUSIC

You look beautiful.

-Nice crowd for your upanayanam, man.

-I'm back.

-What's with all the white people?

-Party crashers.

-Even that one?

-No, that one's with me.

-Welcome, Emma.

Get up there.

CHEERING AND SHOUTING

SOFT MUSIC, MAN SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE

MAN CONTINUES TO SING

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Oh, I love my husband but he snores at night,

-and it only gets worse.

-My husband

snores all the time. I just tight slap. Tight slap.

-You look really cute.

-ALL CHATTER

Check your mehndi for hidden messages, ladies.

It's part of tradition. When marriages were arranged,

the groom would search his bride's body to find his initials.

Ah! That's naughty!

SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE, LIVELY INDIAN MUSIC

CROWD JOINS IN SINGING

-Deep in the house!

-CHEERING

SINGS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE

BOTH SING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE

CROWD JOIN IN SINGING

BOLLYWOOD MUSIC

-Did I happen to say "thank you"?

-You did, and you're welcome.

You're not the person I thought you were, Patrick.

Likewise, Dr Lloyd.

I can't. I have to go.

Wilder? It's me. Can you come get me?

MUSIC: "The Limit To Your Love" by Feist

-Hey.

-Hey. Got any beer?

-You did good tonight.

-Thanks.

# ..give us a little sun

# Hm

# There's a limit to your love #

You gotta tell her, man. Girls are way into honesty.

All right. Goodnight, you two.

Oh. Honestly, Wilder,

what am I doing? Running around Queens in the middle of the night,

crashing Indian bar mitzvahs two weeks before my wedding

-with a man who's technically my husband.

-Beats me, Em.

-Would you like another one?

-Mm, yeah.

-I used extra eggs.

-Thank you, Daddy.

-Hm-hm.

-I wish Mom were here.

-Yeah, me too.

She'd know exactly what to tell you, wouldn't she?

-You're doing all right, actually.

-Hm.

-You still make a mean breakfast.

I will second that. And amazing smoothies. Is there time for one?

-Um, no. Uh, Lauren, this is Emma.

-Emma!

-Oh, my God.

-Hi.

-My mom loves you.

I'd listen to your show but I don't have a radio.

-Which reminds me, is there a mall here or a Best Buy?

-Oh!

There's a Toys "R" Us. Maybe they'll have something for her.

-Nice to meet you. Wilder, it's been real.

-Um, excuse us a minute.

-Is there something wrong with you?

-No, no, nothing.

I'm just late and I have to go meet Richard, so...

-Don't jump to conclusions, all right?

-No.

Thanks for breakfast, Father. Sorry I can't stick around for the smoothie.

-MOBILE BEEPING

-You don't know everything there is to know.

-No,

like some things never get old, and, um... My car is here.

Look, this time, you're really wrong, Emma. You are.

-Goodbye, Wilder.

-Bye, sweetheart.

Daddy loves you nonetheless.

The golf tee white is stylish, but, um, I just... It's been done

and it's not as common as the picket fence white, which is safe,

but I feel it's a bit boring.

The Navajo white is bolder but it's sort of in-your-face white.

-I don't know, um... They all look the same to me.

-Hm.

-In what way?

-In that they're all white.

Yes, but different. I mean, wildly different.

Are you not going to ask me about last night?

I assumed it went well. Bollenbecker Group just renewed my contract

another five years thanks to you. Now, all we need to do

is file those papers and we'll put this behind us.

Um, well...

..I don't have the papers.

-What's going on, Em?

-I don't know. He had them at the book signing

and between the dinner and the upanayanam,

Indian bar mitzvah - don't ask - I misplaced them.

-I had them in my hands!

-Don't worry about it.

-It's so unlike me.

It's all right. I'm going to take care of everything from now on.

A white lie is still a lie. It may be a subtler shade

of truth, but anyone can see it painted on the wall.

-"So I should tell him the truth?"

-A cream-coloured, ivory-hued,

matte-finished half-truth will erode the foundation of your relationship.

-"I-I know you're getting married soon, right?"

-Yep, that's right.

"Your fiance must be a lucky man to know he has you to keep him honest."

We're both very lucky.

Brother Carl. Didn't know you played.

It's Richard. Richard Braxton, as you well know.

Patrick Sullivan, as you well know. Hell, we're practically family.

You behaved like a real gentleman over a rather odd period.

-Emma tells me you did me a good turn and I appreciate that.

-It was fun.

Now I have to play the spoilsport and ask for those papers

-so we can go our separate ways.

-I'll bring them by the office.

-No, that's not going to happen.

-Why's that?

We have a life which doesn't include you and I want to keep it that way.

So, I'm asking you, man to man, not to see her, call her, text her.

I'm not much of a texter.

Somebody in your circle seems to have a gift for technology.

-What do you mean?

-The more I look into this glitch, as Emma calls it,

the less accidental it seems. You might be technologically challenged,

but can you think of anyone close to you who could have pulled this off?

Not off the top of my head, no.

I intend to find out who did this.

MUSIC: "Ever Fallen in Love" by Nouvelle Vague

# You spurn my natural emotions

# It makes me feel like dirt

# And I'm hurt

# If I start a commotion

# I run the risk of losing you

# And that's worse #

FEMALE CALLER TALKING Something wrong with him.

MANY FEMALE VOICES TALKING AT ONCE

I know you've been there. We've all been there.

MIXED VOICES CONTINUE

Since you're a grown woman, let's call it an infatuation.

You're dreaming! Wake up, girl. Do you share the vision of the future?

Is he dependable? Smart, successful, beautiful women cannot live

on kisses alone. You may think the chemistry has commonality

with friendship. Take a look at the compatibility quizzes in my book,

-chapter seven. You'll find it illuminating.

-"Thank you, Doctor."

Thank you, caller. Hi, you're on the air.

-PATRICK:

-I'm reading your book, too. You call this a self-help book

-or does that term offend?

-Uh, not in the least.

-Who does it help, exactly?

-Well, it...

LAUGHS

See, the thing is, I, um... I haven't gotten

-to the helpful part yet.

-Perhaps you're a slow reader.

No, it doesn't tell you how to find somebody to love

or how you get somebody to love you back.

All it does is tell you what's wrong with the person you're in love with

and that, to me, well, that's not very helpful.

Perhaps you are wrong for the person you think you are right for, caller!

-What do you know about me that would make you say that?

-I don't know you.

-You bet you don't.

-I don't but since you called, here's some advice.

Maybe instead of blaming others for your problems, look at yourself.

-I'm looking right at my problem.

-Well, stop fogging up the mirror.

-LAUGHS

-Nice.

-Did you just hang up on a caller?

-No, I did not hang up on a caller.

EMMA ON RADIO: "Hello? Hello? Uh, hello?"

"I think we've been disconnected."

It must be those cell phones, those nasty cell phones.

Well, thanks to my caller for calling and I will be seeing you tomorrow

for the next Real Love with Dr Emma Lloyd.

GROANS

Are you crazy? How dare you come to my place of work

-and make prank calls!

-I thought this thing is so full of crap

-that maybe I ought to call in!

-I see you actually bought my book.

-No, I stole it from your party.

-Stole it. That makes sense.

-And I took your compatibility quiz.

-Really? How did you do?

Well, my lifestyle is wholly unsuitable to any freak

-who would buy a book like this.

-Surprise. Those tests don't lie.

New York City Fire Department. Official business.

Please exit the elevator. Come on, ladies. Sir, thank you.

-What are you doing?

-Unsuitable?

Is that really what you think of me?

I don't think of you.

You want to see unsuitable?

-ALARM BLARING

-Security, what's the story with the elevator?

Holy Moly! My wife loves her show.

-Delivery.

-I can't even get a guy to hold a door for me.

-Step back, please.

-Can you fix the focus on that?

-Zoom in a little bit.

-There you go.

I've had enough of this. Excuse me, Sir? Doctor? Doctor?

I'm going to have to ask you to please stop. Stop what you're doing,

come down to the lobby immediately. Stop it.

"Stop it now, please."

BOTH PANT

LAUGHING AND PANTING

Ooh. CHUCKLES

-Sorry about that.

-Which part, exactly?

-The kissing you thing.

-We just got caught up.

-Carried away.

Lost our heads.

I'm getting married.

Yeah.

You love him? I only ask this because...

..being that I'm your husband and you're my wife, I have this...

I have this vested interest in seeing you happy.

I want to be happy. Don't you?

What is happiness, anyway?

I don't know. You tell me. You wrote the book.

I guess I don't know.

-Patrick...

-It was nice being married to you.

You, too.

-Thanks.

-Goodbye, Emma.

Oh! Oh!

SOFT EASY LISTENING MUSIC

FOOTSTEPS

I'm sorry I'm late. I know, I'm always so prompt.

Relax. When I arrived, I told them to bring the drinks in ten minutes.

-How's that for timing?

-Oh, what a day. You have no idea.

Actually, I kind of do.

-I heard your show today. That was Sullivan, I take it?

-Yes.

The good news is I got the papers.

Everything but page 127, and I'm sure it's in there somewhere.

-We'll never see him again.

-So, why don't you look happy?

I am. CUTLERY CLATTERING

Well, I've got something that might cheer you up.

Harry Winston finished our rings. Want to have a look?

-Wow!

-See, the circle of eternity came out great, don't you think?

-No. They did mine wrong.

-What are you talking about? It's perfect.

It says "Do I, do I, do I," not "I do, I do, I do."

Em, you're under a tremendous amount of stress at the moment.

It's not stress, Richard. I just don't know. I...

-I'm really confused.

-Well, I'm not confused, Em.

I know exactly what I want. I think you and I are the perfect team.

Never doubted it for a moment.

But I am not going to talk you into marrying me,

so take a few days and figure out what it is you want. In fact,

-why don't we begin that right now?

-Richard...

-FEMALE CALLER:

-"We had a really nice time. Good conversation."

"He was sweet and funny but there was something missing."

-"There was no..."

-Spark?

-"Exactly!"

Yeah, let me tell you something about sparks.

Sparks cause fires and fires will burn your house down,

so keep searching for good ol' Sparky, you're sure to get burned.

'Trust me on that, OK?'

MAN SHOUTING, WOMAN LAUGHING

Oh, I'm so hungry!

Wilder! Your girlfriend's wearing my robe!

Actually, his girlfriend's daughter is wearing your robe.

-Hello, Emma.

-Aren't you my...?

WHISTLING So, um, why the big secret?

I wanted to tell you but your father thought you wouldn't hire me

-as the caterer if you knew we were dating.

-Is that what you call it?

That or this is an elaborate ruse of yours to get out of paying my bill.

-You have been worth every penny.

-There you go again,

-always saying the perfect thing.

-You've been together almost a year.

-Why didn't you tell me?

-You've met so many women over the years,

I thought I'd hold off until we were sure of each other.

-And are we?

-Well, I am.

-I can't even keep track of all the things I've misunderstood.

-Hm.

Sorry.

Dad? I know I never asked you,

but, um, what do you think of Richard? Do you like him?

Well, sure, honey. What's not to like? He's perfect, isn't he?

-Is that a compliment?

-You don't need compliments from me.

I've never told you how to live or who to date.

That's always been in your department, right?

So, what if I'm, er, losing my footing in my department

and I'm asking for a second opinion?

Well, I think Richard is a...

..a good, safe bet, you know? He's the kind of guy

that you've always gravitated toward and advised other women to pursue,

isn't he? Probably the type of fellow that my brand of fatherhood

-pushed you into.

-LAUGHS

Look, honey, I mean, I've made some big mistakes in my life,

real whoppers, but if I hadn't, I wouldn't have been able to recognise

the real thing when it came along. You don't have to be

so right all the time. It's OK to make a couple of mistakes.

-Hello, tall lady!

-Oh, Emma!

Emma, you're drenched. Come, darling.

-Move! she has to eat something.

-Quiet!

Can't you see that she's not here to eat or watch telly or chit-chat?

She's come for the man she loves.

Here you are with your "come, come," your "sit, sit" and your "eat, eat".

You're standing in the course of true love! Stand aside, I say!

Through the beads, up the stairs, two flights.

What?

Yeah, it's raining. I figured you'd have a day off.

Come in.

Oh, here. Let me, er...

Let me get you some dry clothes.

-Patrick?

-Yeah.

I think I called off my wedding.

Emma, I... I need to tell you something.

-What?

-It can wait.

MOANS

FOOD SIZZLING Oh.

-How's it going in there, babe?

-Great!

-We're having toast!

-I'll be out in a minute.

OK. PATRICK WHISTLING

PATRICK HUMMING

# You're my fantasy

# You're my reality

HUMS

-# Every woman in the world... #

-What is this?

And this? And this? Are you some sick stalker?!

No, Emma, it's not what you think. Emma!

-Emma! wait!

-I can't believe this. I saw the invitation.

-So, you're married?

-No! No, I'm not married!

-Liar.

-Stay away from me!

-Emma! Emma, I can explain.

Yeah? What, that this was no accident? There was no glitch?

No, you. You are the glitch. You Googled me, invaded my life,

invaded my privacy, ruined my relationship.

I almost called off my wedding for you!

I trusted you! I had sex with you.

You're just some sort of con man, scam artist, deranged fan?

-You know what? Don't flatter yourself.

-I... What have I done?

Richard warned me about you. I warn people about men like you every day!

-I'm worse than my own callers.

-Stop. Emma! Stop!

Thank you. Can I show you something? Please?

Do you know her?

-No, I don't.

-Yeah, you don't. Come here.

That's Sofia, as in "You're cordially invited to the marriage

"of Patrick Thomas Sullivan and Sofia Idelia Maria Chechagua."

She's Dominican. We met on the job. She almost blew up a building

polishing her nails. I carried her down 15 flights of stairs

and sat next to her hospital bed until she woke up.

-What does this have to do with me?

-She was a big fan of your show,

listened to it every day. In fact, one day, she called in.

-You probably don't remember.

-No, I don't.

-You told her "Call off the wedding."

-Patrick...

-Someone you don't know

and can't remember, and you changed her life and mine forever.

I guess I wanted to educate you about that.

About what it's like to have your life ripped out from under you.

I wanted to knock you down a peg.

-You did.

-Emma, I -

-Goodbye, Patrick.

-Emma!

Emma?

SOFT MUSIC

It's beautiful.

I was just thinking how... How it's too big for me without you here.

Are you here?

If you'll have me.

Do you mean you still want to get married?

LAUGHS I do.

I do. I do.

MUSIC: "I Feel It All" by Feist

EMMA: As many of you have heard, I'm getting married.

People keep asking me if I'm nervous. Well, I'm not.

My eyes are open and what I see is not the man of my dreams,

but the man of my reality.

He's who he says he is, there where he's supposed to be.

If you want to close your eyes and jump in,

try the high-diving board at the YMCA.

'There's a generation of men and women roaming New York City

'in search of the holy grail dream partner,

'but until we learn the difference between romantic love and real love,

'we're just searching in vain for something that doesn't even exist.'

Here we are. Till next time. # Oh, I'll be the one

# Who'll break my heart

# I'll be the one

# To hold the gun

# I know more than I knew before

# I know more than I knew before

# I didn't rest, I didn't stop

# Did we fight or did we talk?

# Oh, I'll be the one who'll break... #

Ask yourself serious questions. Couples shouldn't have to hide.

Play with fire, get burned. Is he responsible? Dependable?

Don't trust what you lust. Does he give you a stable universe?

Love has to be earned, not yearned. Stop obsessing about this

old girlfriend of his. Got it? All right. Next caller.

It's a hard decision. Am I right? Well, caller...

Trust me on that. Next caller. Based on what? What? Trust me on that.

OK, well... Um... I don't know. What do you want from me?

-"Real Love is just a theory."

-A theory, yes,

but based on ten years of study of sociological, psychosexual,

statistical analysis of men and women and their relationships, OK?

"But what if you're wrong? Hello? You still there?"

# I'll end it though you started it

# The truth lied

# But now I want to know

# And lies divide

# Oh, yeah, it got to me again

# And lies divide #

Take that one. Trust me, she needs to take that one.

"15 minutes after the hour and you're listening to Real Love

"with me, Dr Emma Lloyd."

"Uh... Yeah, we got time for one more caller. We've got - "

Patrick of Astoria.

-Patrick of Astoria.

-Oh, really?

I thought for a second you weren't going to put me through.

Thousands are listening. Let's not waste their time. How can I help?

OK, there's... There's this girl that I'm...

That I'm falling for.

That I have fallen for.

"And, er, well, the trick is she's getting married tomorrow,

"and if that's what she really wants, then I'm happy for her."

That's very generous of you, Patrick from Astoria.

There's one other thing that... that she doesn't know.

-We're almost out of time, Patrick.

-The thing I didn't tell her is...

-"The thing she doesn't know..."

-Come on.

..is that I love her.

You know, I, er... I look at her and I see... I see my whole life,

and I just thought she should know that.

I'm afraid that's all the time we have, caller.

-ALL GROAN:

-What the...?

This is Dr Emma Lloyd

-and you're listening to Real Love.

-Where's she going?

-(Get in there.)

-OK.

Let's see, we got, um... Chuck on line four

is looking for his soul mate and Maria on line two

just got dumped. So, Chuck?

-"Yeah?"

-Say what's up to Maria.

-"How you doin', Maria?"

Well? Do you really like it?

Perfect. You're perfect. It's an interesting segue.

-Did you listen to the show last night?

-Yes.

-He loves me.

-I know.

-The entire area knows.

-The car's here.

-What am I going to do?

-Well, first thing, we should fire her.

-I heard that!

Sister at the keyhole, just what you always wanted, huh?

-I did, didn't I?

-Instead you got you and me.

-We didn't do too badly, did we?

-We were a disaster.

-CHUCKLES

-Yeah, we were. Hm.

But I see a comeback in the making.

-Yeah?

-GLASSES CLINK

-BELLS TOLL

-For a guy who's waited this long to marry my daughter,

he sure is cutting it close, don't you think?

-Do you know how I know I love you?

-How?

Because nothing in the world would make me drag you to the altar again.

-We don't want to press our luck!

-BOTH LAUGH

I should see how Emma's doing. Let me know if he gets here.

GENTLE CLASSICAL MUSIC

-Just take it off, Marcy.

-Oh!

-It's crooked.

-Let me try.

Oh, so, this goes like this.

And this...goes here.

Here comes the bride.

I can't do this. KNOCKING

DOOR OPENING

Excuse me, ladies, could I have a moment?

-Richard -

-Wow. Look at you.

Seems kind of silly, though, huh? Me in this dress, veil,

bridesmaids. It's like some sort of play or something.

No, you don't look silly.

Well, you look extremely not silly and handsome yourself.

I'm sorry I'm late. I had to go back to the city and get something.

You forgot to file them?

You should know by now, I'm not really the forgetful type.

No, no, you're not.

Since you gave me these, I've been putting off filing them

for some reason.

Why do you think that is?

I love you, Em. I'm clever enough to know when I've lost.

I should have asked you to marry me a long time ago.

Well, maybe we just missed our moment.

If you marry me today, you'll always be looking over your shoulder.

You'll never be completely happy.

-You need to be happy, Em.

-I can't stand it.

Oh, Richard. SOBS

It'll be all right.

-I'll be all right.

-SIGHS

-As soon as we can get past that angry mob out there.

-Oh, yeah, them.

I'll handle this.

-Really?

-No, not really.

In fact, this time you should worry. I have no plan.

Come on, help me up. Give me that candle.

Would you wait until I've left the room? I might need this suit again.

Richard?

SCREAMING, WATER SPRINKLING

SIREN WAILING

SHOUTING

WATER SPRINKLING

-SIREN BLARES

-"This is Great Neck dispatch."

"A fire alarm and sprinkler activation at Saint Paul's church."

Great Neck? It's not even in our district.

Listen, I know it's out of your district, but here's the thing.

You guys have sort of been requested.

SIREN WAILING

-WATER SPRINKLING

-Everybody stay calm.

SIREN WAILING

CHATTERING

How you doin'?

I had to talk to you!

You know, you could have just called.

So, what's up?

This.

'When I was a kid, I used to have a hard time believing

'in happy endings. The heroine always seemed to ride off into the sunset

'with what I thought was the wrong guy.'

One day, my dad found me crying. I was watching Lady And The Tramp

and he asked me what was wrong. I said, "Dad, those two dogs

"don't stand a chance. They're wrong for each other.

"They have nothing in common. The movie's going to end,

"they're going to break up and be heartbroken forever."

He pulled me in close and he said to me, "Em,

"sometimes when you're really in love you don't sweat the small stuff."

"So, are you saying we should run away together?"

Are you insane? You're old enough to be his mother.