Tropic Thunder

This film contains very strong language and some violent scenes from the start.

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# I'm dripping off your Booty Sweat And busting a nut

# I'm Alpa Chino Got that pussy control #

Alpa Chino's Booty Sweat. Pop an ass open!

Booty Sweat and Bust-A-Nut bars available at concessions now.

-Temperatures have soared...

-In 2013,

when the Earth's rotation came to a halt...

..declared all of North America a disaster area.

I call on my fellow Americans...

..the world called on the one man who could make a difference.

When it happened again, the world called on him once more.

And no-one saw it coming...

three...more...times.

Now, the one man who made a difference five times before...

is about to make a difference... again.

Only this time, it's different.

Who left the fridge open?

Tugg Speedman.

Scorcher Six, Global Meltdown.

Here we go again.

Again?

MUSIC: "The Four Seasons" by Vivaldi

Will there be anything else?

Oh, yes, my dear man, more beans.

-FARTS

-Grannie, euw!

LAUGHS Oh, please!

This summer, America's favourite obese family is back.

-ALL FART

-Euw, gross!

-You're just mad cos I'm skinny.

-I'm not.

Jeff Portnoy, Jeff Portnoy,

Jeff Portnoy

and Jeff Portnoy are...

-ALL FART

-The Fatties, Fart Two.

-In some countries...

-FARTS

..it's considered a compliment.

Letting loose this summer.

In a time...

where to be different

was to be condemned...

..and to be condemned...

..was to die...

..one man chose to question his god.

SCREAMS

From Fox Searchlight...

MUSIC: "Sadeness (Part 1)" by Enigma

..five-time Academy Award winner Kirk Lazarus...

and MTV Movie Award Best Kiss winner Tobey Maguire.

Winner of the Beijing Film Festival's coveted

Crying Monkey award...

Satan's Alley.

I've been a bad, bad boy, Father.

RADIO CHATTER

Come on!

Come on, you damn heathens!

This is Boomer 17 in the Jeep.

I need fast movers on my Yankee. Throw something!

'Boomer this is Y - I got...'

Holy shit!

-Holy shit!

-Get some firepower, boy!

-Jesus Christ!

Listen, you cherry fuck! You call in that snake

and nape and get us some b-b-boom now! I'd do it myself

-but I'm kind of goddamn busy!

-OK.

SHOUTING/EXPLOSIONS

Lock and load!

-What the fuck?

-SCREAMS

SCREAMS

That's for Brooklyn, motherfucker!

-I think I can put it back in.

-We gotta get back to the bird.

INDISTINCT SHOUTING

Want some? Get some!

-Hey, I ain't seen Four Leaf.

-Don't count him out,

that bastard's got luck tattooed to his ass.

Get your Detroit jukebox Jheri curl ass in this chickenshit chop-chop!

-ASAFP!

-Four Leaf is still outside the perimeter!

-Miss me with that

cracker chump jive! We di di mau! We di di mau!

-Come on, get out! Get out!

-What am I looking at? What is this?

Let's go! Come on, elevate up!

Sarge! It's Four Leaf.

No!

Survive!

Cover me, you limp dick fuck-ups!

Peek-a-boo!

I see you!

Hold on, Four Leaf!

Watch my right.

Come on, Leaf!

-No!

-No!

Holy fuck!

SCREAMS

Oh, look at you, man.

Playing with grenades.

I'm cold, Linc.

I can't feel my legs.

Ain't nothing but a thang.

Hold my hands...

cos I got something to s...

I got something to say.

Oh, boy.

When we get back to the world,

I'm gonna finally teach you to juggle.

I ain't never been worth a nothing in this life.

But I want you to know something.

What, man?

You were my...

SOBS You're my brother.

SCREAMING

You're my brother. You're my... You're my...

-I'm sorry, can we cut?

-What's he saying?

-Can we cut?

No, no, we got the jets coming in, big explosions. Two minutes. Still rolling.

No, not still rolling.

-We're cutting.

-Get out.

-Hey, what's going on? My butt is hurting.

-This harness is riding up my crack.

-Damien, cut it.

-No! Still rolling.

-Are we cutting, sir?

-No!

-No, I'm not cutting.

-Damien, what's the deal? Are we gonna blow this

tree line or what? Tuk Tuk and Kim got the blue balls.

Gonna let them squirt if we're a go!

-Still rolling!

-Can he hear me? That's C4, dipshit, put that back.

I said a detonator. I need some dudes who speak American!

He's making a fucking sweater,

I'm trying to put Tiger Balm on this jungle's nuts.

Whassup, baby?

What the fuck is going on here?!

Everyone, please shut up. Jets are coming in. We have one chance.

On three, baby. One, two, breathe.

-Do me a favour. I don't want to do a countdown before I do the scene.

-No countdown?

-Can we just do it off action?

-Just...in your own time.

-Good.

-I'm not a rocket ship, OK.

-All right.

-And, action!

-Whatever floats your boat, baby. Fuck!

-Erika, get me a VitaminWater!

You know what it is, Damien? I'm sorry. Not to get into his thing,

but if I'm crying, should Osiris be crying, too?

-No, it's everyone cry - We cutting

-or we crying?

-No, we're crying!

-Just call it!

-Kirk, you can cry. Tugg, you can cry.

-Thanks(!)

-You see how agitated he is now?

-I know.

-Let's go to work.

-Rolling!

-Ridge is in sight, two miles out.

-Jets are about to crest this line.

200 pounds of shit your pants. I need to know if we're ready to go.

You're my... See, that's what I think it is, Damien.

I think it's the line.

-Yeah?

-I don't know if Four Leaf would say that.

-Were you crying when your hands blew up?

-No. Yeah, I mean, just that's what...

-Now we in re-writes?

-Where you going?

-Let's re-write it!

-Action Jackson can't cry.

-I'm ready to do the scene!

What scene? The scene is about emotionality.

Where is it? Time to flip the script! Need till Chinese New Year waiting for my man to cry.

Here they come!

-No!

-Stop tailgating me, you pasty teabag!

Can I make a pee-pee?

-The planes are inbound!

-Shit! Shit!

-Shit, shit, cocksucker, bollocks. Tropic tits!

-That's the signal!

-Go, go, go, go, go!

-Goddamn shit-picking cock!

It's beautiful!

Mother Nature just pissed her pantsuit!

-Sweet.

-Oh, mama!

Bungle in the jungle. More bad news from the Vietnamese set

of Tropic Thunder, where a 4 million explosion

charred the Asian location and the camera wasn't even rolling.

Financed by hot-headed mega-mogul Les Grossman,

the film is rumoured to be one month behind schedule just five days in.

The reason? Fingers are pointed at rookie director Damien Cockburn,

who, insiders say, can't control a star-studded cast,

including flatulent star of the Fatties franchise, Jeff Portnoy.

A lot of people are disrespecting me.

They say the movie's just about farts. It's about family, and...

-(BEEP!)

-..you! You can't do what I do.

Fresh from his most recent arrest for heroin, glue

and crack possession, Portnoy was almost uninsurable.

Also in is Booty Sweat hocking hip-hop hyphenate Alpa Chino.

I'm so excited, you know what I'm saying, about doing Tropic Thunder.

-Hey, drink Booty Sweat, baby.

-But the real heavyweight on the set

is five-time Academy Award winner Kirk Lazarus. The brilliant

Australian, known for his bad boy antics off-screen,

is famous for his total immersion into any role he portrays.

Being an actor is no different than being a construction worker, save

for the fact that my tools are the mechanisms that trigger emotion.

Lazarus underwent a controversial pigmentation alteration procedure

to play the platoon's African American sergeant, Lincoln Osiris.

-Yeah!

-Trying to hold his own on screen is action juggernaut

Tugg Speedman.

Once the highest grossing star in the world,

lately his Scorcher films have lost their heat.

Recently, Speedman opened up to Tyra.

You have no real family. You're on the wrong side of 40.

You're childless and alone. Somebody close to you said,

"One more flop and it's over."

Somebody said they were close to me?

Tough year for Tugg. Disappointing buddy comedy Chitlin' And The Dude

was followed by an ill-advised venture

into serious dramatic territory.

Simple Jack, the story of a mentally impaired farmhand

who can talk to animals, was a box office disaster

that many critics called, "One of the worst movies of all time."

I ain't got a g-g-good brain.

I think you've got a fine brain, Jack.

You m-m-m-m-m-make me happy.

But now the question is, can Speedman m-m-make audiences happy

-in what's being called the most expensive war movie never made?

-Rick Peck.

Wishing Tugg all the best on that one.

Rum-Tum-Tuggernauts, it's the Pecker. You got time for your agent?

-Rick?

-Hey, buddy, guess who I'm staring at right now.

-What?

I'm looking at your ugly mug on the back cover of Vanity Fair magazine,

holding a panda from Cutesville. It is insane, bro. You are a rock star.

-Hey, did you get the gift basket I sent?

-(From Rick.)

Yeah. Yeah. It's cool, man. Thanks.

All right, that is a real satellite phone, bro. Do not re-gift.

-Hey. You see that Access Hollywood piece?

-Yeah, I did. It was like pistol-whipping a blind kid.

I mean, I'm not gonna sugar coat it, Tugg. You are a huge star.

But, right now, you're like that kid on the playground,

the one who has lice that none of the other kids want to play with?

-What do you mean?

-We gotta shave your head and get you back on the monkey bars, right?

-What?

-How did the crying scene go?

-Horrible. Lazarus started crying.

-He starts drooling and dribbling, and it wasn't in the script...

-Stop there!

You gotta buck up here, Tuggboat. Who cares how much more talented

he may be than you? If he cries, you cry harder, man.

Didn't your dog have leukaemia when you were a kid? I mean, think of that. Boom! End of story.

-They hook up the TiVo yet?

-No.

-What?

They have digital cable, but, I mean, it's OK.

No, no, no. Come on, man. It's not OK.

It is not OK, Tugg!

And you don't need to explain to me why you need TiVo

or clean water, clean sheets, food, shelter.

I fought for that in your contract.

How's the adoption thing coming, buddy?

Not too great.

Well, at least you get to choose yours.

I'm stuck with mine.

Tell you what, get back to work, genius soldier.

The Pecker's on a TiVo mission for the Y O U.

-Work on those tears, my man.

-All right. Yeah.

-Say it for me one time. You m-m-m-make me happy.

-M-M-Make me happy.

-I love you, buddy.

-All right, bye.

Crisis meeting? What does that mean, exactly? I mean, are we in a crisis?

He's the head of the studio. He's reaching out.

We're 10,000 miles away. He wants a little face time.

You said that he called it a crisis meeting. So...

It's Les Grossman. He throws these words around. Crisis, explosion,

not rolling, fired.

-These are just words.

-Yeah! Yeah!

Keep a secret? Camera truck in London ploughed into Judi Dench.

-Trust me, he's got bigger problems.

-He may be able to see me,

-but I can't see him!

-Move! Move! Les!

-Get your ass out of my...

-Can he see us?

-I don't know why we don't have...

-Get him a Diet Coke.

Les! It's working! Yeah, whatever you're doing.

-Hello, Les!

-OK.

-We got you loud and clear, Les.

-I see you. I see you.

I see you. Which one of you fuckfaces is Damien Cockburn?

That's me, sir. It's good to finally meet you, get some face time.

And who here is the key grip? You?

You.

Hit that director in the face, really fucking hard.

Sorry, man.

Ow! Ow. Ow.

This is your fault, you limey fuck!

You shit the money-bed, my friend.

Hey, Les, I understand if you're angry,

but I am dealing with a bunch of prima donnas! Clowns!

-Tugg Speedman, he can't cry! Can't cry!

-You know how you handle actors? They whine about anything,

you pull down their pants and you spank their ass.

-You spank that ass, Les.

-What?

Spanking a child turns him into a little snot.

Fear...makes him a man.

I know a place where a man's worth is measured

in the ears hanging from his dog tags.

The real deep shit.

You wanna make this movie right?

That's where you take your pansy-ass actors.

Who is this guy?

-Les, that's Four Leaf.

-Sergeant Four Leaf Tayback. I wrote the book.

Oh. You're a great American.

This nation owes you a huge debt.

Now shut the fuck up and let me do my job! Cockburn?

-Yes?

-From now on, my fist is gonna be so far up your shit hole

that every time you have a thought, it's gonna have to tiptoe past

my wedding ring. Take control of your actors,

or I will shut you down. Diet Coke!

When the herd loses its way,

the shepherd must kill the bull that leads them astray.

Four Leaf?

Come on over. It's OK.

-Sit down.

-Yes.

-So, you don't like the hotel?

-Beds give me nightmares.

I'm guessing right about now you couldn't find a Dixie coonskin

with an Ohio hooker holding your prick and showing you the way.

What?

I put my story in your limp Brit hands

and you are not going to fail me.

You think I was just blowing my own bagpipe in that meeting?

You must put those boys in the shit.

-What? I don't understand.

-You wanna make your movie or not?

-Yes, I do.

All right, you get some of those little video type cameras.

We take them out and we put them in the trees in different angles.

Then you give me and that pyromaniac Cody

all the smoke bombs, charges, explosives, detonators you got.

Then we take those boys up there,

me and Cody, we could light up that fucking jungle,

so those lily-dick actors would be shitting their pants

and screaming for their mammies.

They'd be begging for a body bag if it means a ride home.

I could do it.

I could shoot the whole thing guerrilla style. Gritty, dirty.

Get them away from their helpers and arse-licking assistants.

-Put them in the real shit.

-Real shit.

-With real fear in their eyes!

-Real emotion! Yes, Four Leaf, yes!

-Yes!

-Yes!

-Yes!

-Yes!

Take them off the fucking grid!

You are no longer actors in a movie!

You are five men in a helicopter!

With three other men!

How long are we gonna be gone? Cos I left most of my, er, vitamins at the hotel.

-Save your breath, maggots!

-That's right, maggots!

Go, go, go! Get out of the chopper!

Move it, maggots! Move, grunts, move your ass!

Get out, you wriggly worms!

-It's up too high!

-Move, move, move!

-See you in hell!

-CACKLES

This is bullshit!

I gotta at least call my fucking assistant.

Fucking! Jesus! Dude!

You're sitting on a nest of hostile enemy VC.

Congratulations, Fats. You just got us all killed.

Anybody else care to give away our position to Charlie?

-Cellphones!

-What the hell, Damien?

Weren't no cellphones in '69, man. I'm head-to-toe legitimate.

Gentlemen, I've got good news and bad news.

The studio wants to shut us down. That's the bad news.

And the good news. If you wanna save this movie, you will become a unit.

Your objective is to head north to the D'ang Kwook River

and liberate the POW camp, at which point Four Leaf

will get himself captured, at which point you will rescue him,

at which point we will chopper you home!

Damn.

Four Leaf, since you're staff sergeant, here's the map,

the scene list. Think you can handle it?

We have rigged this entire valley of death with hidden cameras.

And I will be shooting as well, from unseen vantage points,

so that every glorious moment is captured on film.

-LAUGHS

-And believe me, gentlemen, it will be glorious.

If it looks real, chances are it probably is.

You wanted to be actors. You wanted to occupy the skin of another human being.

Well, get ready to occupy the skin of a terrified US Infantry grunt,

surrounded by death, crawling up Satan's bottom.

There'll be ambushes, enemy fire, your own little... personal slice of 'Nam.

This radio goes to the chopper and the chopper only.

The chopper is God, and I am Jesus Christ, his son.

You are my chosen disciples.

And no-one gets to go home till we get the shots.

Put on your war faces, gentlemen.

Now, let's go and make the greatest war movie ever!

Yeah! ALL CHEER

Oh.

Yeah!

SHOUTING

Not bad, Cockburn!

Not bad.

Wherever you are!

Wherever he is? Looks like he's all over the place.

Here we go.

Must be an old French mine.

Remnant from colonial Indo-China. This jungle must be full of them.

Hey! Don't you get it?

He's messing with our heads. That's what all that playing God stuff was about.

He's trying to get us to act good, save the movie.

He ain't playing God. He's being judged by Him.

That's our objective.

Complete the mission.

No offence, Kirk, I know you're the big fancy actor here,

but I've done more effects-driven event films than you. OK?

And I think I can spot...

a prop head when I see one.

Oh, Jesus.

It's corn syrup, guys. Corn syrup and latex.

Warm...

blood-flavoured corn syrup.

-Oh, God.

-Smoke and mirrors, guys. Welcome to the movie factory.

Oldest trick in the book.

He getting down now.

Oh, my God!

Whoa, look at me!

ENGLISH ACCENT: You're going to get the shots, and I'm going to make sure

because I'm the director. I'm from London.

I direct plays. Hey, Damien! We got our war faces on!

ROARS

Look, I'm Dave Beckham.

So, we gotta light these boys up today, huh?

Blow some sense into these young men.

Hey, I don't want to come off as weird or anything,

but I might be your biggest fan. Yeah.

Tropic Thunder. Kind of like my Catcher In The Rye.

Yeah, I've never been in the military, per se,

but I have lost an appendage in the line of duty.

Driving Miss Daisy, first studio gig.

Yeah. It's a pretty cool sidearm you got there.

-What is it?

-I don't know what it's called.

I just know the sound it makes...

when it takes a man's life.

OK. Damien, we're go for explosion. Ready to kick the tyres and light the fires on your say-so.

-CRACKLING

-Damien, we're go for explosion.

'Do you copy? I got an itchy trigger finger here, and I'm ready to blow some shit up.'

All right, you happy now? Can we do the scene?

Or do you need a formal invitation? Come on, let's go!

Here. OK. "Scene 12, exterior, jungle clearing, day, ambush."

"Four Leaf notices movement in the brush. A dozen guerrilla fighters can be seen in the tree line.

"A mine explodes." And you. "I got a bad feeling on this one."

-Yeah.

-No, that's your line.

-I got... Now?

-Yeah, but scared.

Like, scared.

-"I got a bad feeling on this one."

-Dude, wait, like how?

-"I got a bad feeling on this one."

-OK.

Action. Go, come on.

I got a bad feeling on this one there, Fats.

Our asses don't get fragged, first thing I'm doing

is paying my two bucks so I can watch Brooklyn bust his cherry

on a sweet little mama-san's dinky dau poontang.

Shit, Brooklyn be bagged and tagged before he get any cooch.

He die, he probably die a coochless motherfucker.

-Zip it, Motown.

-Man, I'm thirsty.

Might as well have some of this...

Booty Sweat I got back in Danang.

Yo, asshole! This motherfucker's dead!

Ain't no Criss Angel Mindfreak,

David Blaine trapdoor horseshit jumping off here!

Hey! You wanna get on the train here, or do you wanna ruin another take?

There ain't no goddamn takes, ain't no goddamn motion picture!

-You sure?

-Oh, yeah.

-Yeah?

-For certain, man.

Then why are you still in character?

I know, but I don't have to tell you.

-You don't know.

-I don't drop character till I done a DVD commentary.

GUNFIRE

-You happy now? We're out of position for the effects!

-Get down, fool!

Didn't anyone read the script? This is the ambush!

This feels pretty real!

Exactly! Let's use it.

SCREAMS

Oh, yeah.

BOTH SCREAM

-Eat lead!

-They're busting caps like a motherfucker down there.

-This is FUBAR. I say we juice them. What do you think?

-Juice 'em.

Fuck you, Charlie!

Big-ass titties!

BEEPING

Look at that, huh?

And cut!

That's the trailer right there.

-Yeah!

-What do we do now?

ALL CHEER

North. Man said to head north.

Did you see me shooting? I believed it.

D'ang Kwook River. I'm betting he's got more of these battles

and Viet Congs rigged for us along the way.

Sergeant Osiris, get your men. Load and lock.

Real, baby, I'm real.

Let's go! We got a lot of clicks to cover!

-Hump it up, gentlemen! Single formation.

-Don't dawdle now!

D-Rod, D-Rod, this is Puddingface. How are we coming on that hotplate?

CRACKLING

Something's up. I think we better drag ass back there.

Make sure Damien ain't forgot how to use his talkbox again.

Yeah, baby, come on. Just a little taste.

-What are you doing, Jeff?

-Fucking... Nothing, man!

-I'm eating jellybeans.

-Wow, I love jellybeans. Can I please...

No, you can't have any fucking jellybeans! They're mine.

Think you're the only one who gets sick without his jellybeans?

Boundaries, man. Fuck.

Hey. I didn't mean to show you up back there.

I feel like we really need to set the example for the other guys.

It's gonna be tough, but I think Damien's gonna get some great shit out of us.

-Just wish I had a director like this on Jack.

-On Jack. What? Jack?

-What you talking about?

-Simple Jack?

-Oh, yeah.

CHUCKLES

Simple Jack, yeah. You went all out on that one, huh?

Really swung for the fences, huh?

Thank you. Thanks. Yeah.

Yeah, it was an intense experience. You know, I just... I just did the work.

Watched a lot of retarded people. Spent time with them, observed them.

Watched all the retarded stuff they did.

Then again, I always found mere observation is a tad rudimentary.

Sometimes, we gotta dig deeper to mine the emotional pay dirt.

Thus, we can diagram the source of the pain and then live it, you know?

Yeah, yeah, live it. Yeah, exactly. You know, there were times...

when I was doing Jack that I actually felt retarded,

like really retarded.

-Damn.

-I had to sort of just free myself up

to believe that it was OK to be stupid or dumb.

-To be a moron.

-Yeah.

-To be moronical.

-Exactly, to be a moron.

-An imbecile.

-Yeah.

Like the dumbest motherfucker that ever lived.

-When I was playing the character.

-When you was.

-As Jack, definitely.

Jack, stupid-ass Jack.

By the end of the whole thing, I was like, "Wait a minute,

"I flushed so much out, how am I gonna jumpstart it up again?" It's just like...

-Yeah.

-Right?

-You was farting in bathtubs

-and laughing your ass off. Hm?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-I mean this was...crazy.

It's like working with mercury.

-It's high science, it's an art form. You an artist.

-Hm.

-That's what we do.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Hats off for going there,

especially knowing how the Academy is about that shit.

CLEARS THROAT About what?

You're serious? You don't know?

Everybody knows you never go full retard.

What do you mean?

Check it out. Dustin Hoffman, Rain Man, look retarded, act retarded,

not retarded.

Count toothpicks, cheat at cards. Autistic, sure. Not retarded.

Then you got Tom Hanks, Forrest Gump.

Slow, yes, retarded, maybe, braces on his legs. But he charmed Nixon

and won a Ping-Pong competition. That ain't retarded.

Peter Sellers, Being There. Infantile, yes. Retarded, no.

You went full retard, man.

Never go full retard.

You don't buy that? Ask Sean Penn, 2001, I Am Sam.

Remember? Went full retard? Went home empty-handed.

Oh, my God!

Holy shit!

Good job, turd. You killed the director.

That's impossible, man. I rigged the whole tree line and this is here.

-He must have missed his mark.

-Missed?

-This isn't me.

Let's bag and tag the bastard and get back to the hotel. You're in a world of hurt, dumbo!

We're in a world of hurt!

-This isn't just on me! We're together on this.

-Bullshit.

You're gonna run? What happened to "no man left behind"?

Just wait, just wait! Listen! Listen, OK?

-I don't wanna hear it.

-Let me be real with you.

I almost blinded Jamie Lee Curtis on Freaky Friday, OK?

-This shit will fucking ruin me!

-Get off me! You're pathetic.

-I'm not!

You are not going back!

-What the fuck?

-Now, wait a minute.

SIGHS

Agh! I fucking hate movies.

This is bullshit. I don't wanna be in this shitty movie.

MUSIC: "The Pusher" by Steppenwolf

Oh, no! That's my jellybeans! No!

-Kid, grab the bat!

-TALKS GIBBERISH

Please! Shit!

-Yo, man, I got a Bust-A-Nut.

-You go to hell! There he is.

Goddamn it! OK. Where'd he go?

You little piece of shit! I'm gonna fucking rip your wings off!

Sanducci. Hold up, man, keep it on the down-low.

-I don't really gotta piss. I'm trying to talk at you.

-I need bait.

-You went to boot camp, right? You can read a map?

-Yeah, I think so.

I know Speedman got everyone convinced we out here

making Planet of the Apes on YouTube or some shit, but I don't buy it.

You wanna step on a real landmine? You wanna die? Huh?

You wanna get shot by a real motherfucker? Keep looking ahead.

No, of course not.

If I can put that map in your hands, can I count on you?

-Uh, well, yeah, I guess you can.

-Dynamite. I'm out.

-CHUCKLES

-That smelled just like baloney for some reason.

Is anyone gonna fucking help me get this fucking thing?

Why are they even out in the daytime? I've had enough!

I'm gonna level with you, bro. I don't need to pee.

I need to talk to you.

LIQUID POURING

Lazarus...

is gonna torpedo the movie. He's out on a limb with this character

and I think he's getting cold feet.

-I need you on my side, Kyle.

-It's Kevin.

-Good.

Can I count on you?

If you want, I could give the map a look-see.

-I'll handle the map.

-OK.

-You stick with the programme,

we get this movie in the can, I think there could be a Teen Choice Award in it for you.

You have that potential.

They'll slime you, the whole deal.

Yeah, that's wicked.

BURBLES Good.

BIRD TWEETING

There it is! Yeah, now you're dead!

-GRUNTS

-You OD'd!

Hold up now, Jeff.

SCREAMS

Fucking hell!

PANTS

What the hell, Jeff? That's a bat, man!

I don't have any more jellybeans.

You land there!

Wow. Look at these ruins.

Where the hell are we?

-D'ang Kwook River.

-That so? How do you know that?

Only one way to find out, dude. Let's go.

Yeah. I'm not feeling so good right now.

Seriously, my skin hurts!

Enough from the peanut gallery! Into the water, ladies!

No, let me take a look at that map.

-Why are you obsessed with the map?

-We're tired of being trail donkeys!

Acting like you some one-man GPS!

Goddamn it! We lost! We fucking super lost, man!

Tell him. Tell him what time it is.

-I don't believe you people.

-Ha! What do you mean, "you people"?

-What do YOU mean, "you people"?

-I think what Tugg means is...

No, look at his eyes, man.

ALL SHOUT AT ONCE

I gotta get back to the hotel, for real!

MACHINE GUN FIRE

Chill! All right? Just chill it.

Now, let's go get those Viet Congs.

-Viet Cong!

-What?

-It's "Viet Cong." There's no "S".

It's already plural. You wouldn't say "Chineses".

All right, that's enough of this insubordination!

If the machine breaks down, we break down.

You know how in Rambo I, he was big but puffy and then Rambo II,

-he got all shredded up?

-Yeah.

-That's how you look now.

-Oh.

-Not Rambo I but II.

-Really?

-Yeah, when he was cut up.

-I'm not that... That's what I'm going for, but...

-You more shredded than a Julienne salad, man.

-Thanks.

-What's the secret, dude?

-It's a diet.

-Really?

Cos I'm trying to come up a little, but it's just... It's tough.

-Any tips?

-What?

-Any tips you got?

-There's the pineapple...

-Give me that goddamn map!

-Hey!

-Fuck you!

-Hey!

-All right, now! What it is, Sikorski, tell us where we really at.

-That's bullshit!

It's a chump move. We just getting a second opinion, doc.

-Oh, we're going the wrong way!

-Damn!

-Son of a bitch.

-God!

We were supposed to be doing this... and instead we did this.

Shit! Shit, shit, shit, shit, shitty shit, shit!

Think you can get us back to that drop zone, boy?

-JEFF YELLING/SQUEAKING

-This is not cool!

Maybe.

This is insane!

Are you really going to abandon this movie?

We're supposed to be a unit!

Suck my unit!

All right, fine.

I'll finish it by myself.

You go be all you can be, man.

Tugg, you have no idea where you're going!

Yes, I do! I'm going to, "Exterior, rain forest, dusk."

"Smash cut to Four Leaf, who treks alone through a frightening jungle."

Suck on that unit, Kirk!

Come on, men. Let's get home.

MUSIC: "Sympathy For The Devil" by The Rolling Stones

# Please allow me To introduce myself

# I'm a man of wealth and taste

# I've been around For a long, long year

# Stole many a man's soul and faith

# Pleased to meet you

# Hope you guess my name

# But what's puzzling you Is the nature of my game

# Oh, yeah... #

(Hello, Mr Mantis.)

You're beautiful.

MANTIS BUZZES Ooh!

If you recall that hullabaloo where Hollywood was split into schisms,

some studios backing Blu-ray Disc, others backing HD DVD.

People thought it would come down to pixel rate or refresh rate.

What it came down to was a combination of gamers and porn.

Whichever format porno backs is usually the one that becomes

the most successful. But, you know, Sony,

-every PlayStation 3 has a Blu-ray in it.

-You talking to me?

-I was talking to whoever was listening to me.

-Jesus Christ, man!

# ..Pleased to meet you Hope you guess my name

# Oh, yeah

# But what's confusing you Is just the nature of my game... #

Booty Sweat.

WHIMPERING

Oh, God! Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh! Oh-oh!

It's cold! Ugh! Ugh! It's freezing. I'm fucking cold!

-You want my flak jacket?

-What, are you insane? It's boiling!

It's like a sweat lodge out here!

Keep the volume down on that bitching, Flatch Adams.

I gotta take a fucking 12-pound shit!

-We making good time?

-We are, but there's no way we make it over that ridge before sundown.

-All right, we're gonna make camp, rest up!

-Oh, God.

Y'all might be in for a treat.

Back before the war broke out, I was a saucier in San Antone.

I bet I could collar up some of them greens.

Yeah, noodle some crawfish out the paddy, yo.

Ha! And maybe some crab apples for dessert, now, you hear?

-Hell, yeah! Ha!

-Hell, yeah! Ha!

That's how we all talk. We all talk like this, suh! Yes, suh-huh.

Yeah, hm-hm, get some crawfish and some ribs, ah-ha!

Yeah! You're Australian! Be Australian!

Excuse me, Kangaroo Jack.

I get excited about my foods, man.

THUNDER

BOTH GRUNT

ROARING, TUGG SCREAMS

TUGG SCREAMS CONTINUOUSLY

GRUNTS

Die!

N-o-o-o!

-Bah!

-GRUNTS

Dude, dude, what the hell is going on here? Where are we?

I have no idea.

I've never been outside the States.

Wait, are you fucking kidding me? Did you make this whole thing up?

-Were you even in the fucking service?

-Yes. Of course.

-Coast Guard.

-Coast Guard.

-Sanitation Department.

Oh, my God! You're a fucking garbage man!

Damn it. FL Tayback lies to me and the whole goddamn US Of A.

-I wrote the book as a tribute! I'm a patriot!

-You're the Milli Vanilli

of patriots. You lied about fighting the Vietnam War.

It's like punching the American flag in the face, goddamn it.

-God, and to think I believed in you!

-Writers lie all the time.

Can I be tied to another post? OK.

MOBILE PHONE RINGING

-Ha!

-'Rick?'

-Tugg.

I killed one, Rick.

-The thing I love most in the world.

-Vivica, get off the line now!

A hooker. All right, you killed a hooker.

Calm down. Here's what you're gonna do. Get your hands on some bleach,

-some hydrogen peroxide and a shitload of lime.

-No, a panda.

-'I killed a panda.'

-Amanda? Come on, dude.

-I mean, that's probably not even her real name.

-No, a panda!

-A panda?

-A sweet, cuddly,

-vicious little panda.

-Jesus Christ, Tugg! Man, don't scare me like that!

-It's beautiful here.

-You on the set?

-I am the set.

-All right, man. Hey, how's the TiVo working out?

Screw TiVo. I'm way beyond TiVo.

Last I checked, they hadn't hooked it up, though.

Hadn't hooked it up? No TiVo?

It doesn't matter any more.

I've moved on.

Where have you moved on to? Another agency?

CHOKES

Who's with you?

'You are still my client, Tugg Speedman!'

I am getting the TiVo! Jacket's on, I'm out the door!

'Tugg?'

Please don't fire me.

Ga-ga! Oh!

Oh, mama. Oh, I'm thirsty.

He doesn't look too good.

Must drink, so I can... throw something up!

No, don't drink that water! That water's like a Petri dish! Don't!

-Alpa, do you have any Booty Sweat?

-Yeah, get him chugging on

some of Alpa's ass water. It's a cure-all.

What you coming out in movies for? You need another revenue stream?

For your information, my revenue stream

currently generates 2,000,000 a year

-in contributions for my community.

-Hot damn.

And why am I in this movie? Maybe I knew I had to represent,

cos they had one good part for a black man

and they gave it to Crocodile Dundee.

Pump your brakes, kid. That man is a national treasure.

I just wanted to throw another shrimp on your barbie.

-That shit ain't funny.

-Hey, fellas! It's hot! We're tired! It stinks!

I'm just fucking with you!

-I'm sorry a dingo ate your baby.

-You know that's a true story?

Lady lost her kid. You about to cross some fucking lines.

-Relax and stuff.

-Fuck that!

-I'm sick of this koala-hugging nigger

telling me...

For 400 years...

that word has kept us down.

What the fuck?

Took a whole lot o' tryin' just to get up that hill.

Now we up with the big leagues.

Can not turn bad. Long as we live, it's you and me, baby.

That's the theme song for The Jeffersons. You really need help.

Just cos it's the theme song don't make it not true.

Know what? I'm gonna tell you what's true. I'm gonna tag you back.

-You better believe that, baby.

-Guys!

Hey, guys!

Jeff, stay away from that animal.

I'm gonna bite his hide.

I need... I need to wear his stomach skin like a unitard.

Ain't nobody doin' nothin' to no water body!

Not Mr Portnoy! You feelin' a little foolish,

don't wanna walk, put him up on that cloven-hoofed animal!

BELLOWS

We got ground to cover!

All right, PoW camp. Scene 67.

Bring it on, Cockburn!

My body may be shackled, but my mind wanders free.

Ah! Oh!

IMITATES HIM

Wait, wait, wait, let me do the line again.

My body may be shackled... but my mind wanders free.

-SPITS:

-Poo!

-Poo!

BOTH SPIT AND YELL

YELLING CONTINUES

Good, again. Again.

YELLS AND SPITS

Good, good. Now let's do the torture scene.

I see moss on both sides of that tree.

Well, maybe if I wasn't the only one acting...

Oh, God, it really hurts. I'm not joking. I'm nauseous.

I gotta puke! I don't wanna die like Hendrix!

RETCHES

-Are you OK, Jeff?

-I'm awesome(!)

Holy shit!

Everyone down, down!

Man, now I'm sure that that looks like the PoW camp in the script.

-Speedman was right?

-I don't think so.

Look at the cooking vats, the armed guards.

Looks like a heroin processing plant.

We were in that chopper for hours. I don't think we're in Vietnam now.

-Shit! We ain't in 'Nam?

-Most likely Myanmar or Laos.

-What the fuck is Laos?

-The golden triangle.

-World's hard-drug super highway.

-How'd you know that?

I was on a long trip, I read the in-flight magazine.

-Cut!

-Oh, Jesus!

What do you see? I'm blocked.

Damien, cut!

Hey, Damien, cut!

They got Speedman. And it doesn't look good.

Haaaaaaaaargh!

I'm Tran. You are a trespasser in my poppy fields!

You are DEA scum!

Were there some rewrites I missed?

YELLS IN AGONY

Oh! Ahh!

-Do you want to die?! Do you?!

-No!

P-P-P-Please!

Don't hurt m-me!

Say that again.

Please don't hurt me.

No, like you did before! Say it!

-Wha...?

-Say it!

P-P-P-Please d-d-don't h-hurt me!

SPEAKS MANDARIN

-What?

-You are Simple Jack!

-You saw Simple Jack?

-We loved the tale of this man Simple Jack.

CLICKS FINGERS

We have no luxuries here and Simple Jack is the only movie we possess.

Oh, that's good.

-It's VHS.

-We have watched it many, many times.

You should have got Oscar.

Oh, well, you know, it's...

-just to be nominated.

-You were nominated?

No, no, no, I wasn't nominated, I'm just saying to have been

nominated would have been nice. It's just very political. You have to...

-Shut up, now!

-OK.

So, are you going to...

let me go?

No! We hold you for ransom!

-Much more money now!

-(Shit.)

-He's in a meeting.

-Yes, I know! In about two seconds, with the pecker!

I'm gonna rip your fucking tits off! You wanna talk about trouble?

That's trouble. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What do you need, Peck?

More like what do you need, Les?

Glasses?

-What?

-So you can read the Tropic Thunder contract that guarantees

my client Tug Speedman some form of digital recorder on location?

Huh?

Look, I'm busy so why don't you get the hell out of here

before I snap your dick off and jam it in your ass? ..Not you, Helen.

But I will rip your tits off if you don't get me those theatres.

-PHONE RINGS

-Perfect.

Hey, Tugger nuts, I got you on speaker phone.

I'm here with Les Grossman and he's dying to tell you why he's wiped

his ass with the TiVo clause from your contract.

We are Flaming Dragon. Speedman is with us now.

'For 50 million, you will get him back.'

Who is this and how'd you get this phone?

We are Flaming Dragon! Simple Jack belong to us now!

Oh, he does, does he?

Let me tell you something, shit bird!

I've never even heard of your little agency.

-If you think you can poach my...

-50 million or you never see

-Simple Jack again! We kill him!

-Les Grossman, who is this?

This is Flaming Dragon!

OK, Flaming Dragon, fuck face.

First, take a big step back and literally FUCK YOUR OWN FACE!

I don't know what kind of power play bullshit you're trying to pull here

but Asia is my territory so whatever you're thinking, think again,

or I'll head down there and I will rain down a fucking fire storm upon

you, you'll have to call the United Nations to stop me destroying you.

I am talking scorched earth, motherfucker! I will massacre you!

I WILL FUCK YOU UP!

PHONE BEEPS

-Find out who that was.

-Yeah.

-Go!

-You wear these! More like Simple Jack teeth!

-Oh...

OK. Look, I know you're a big fan and that's great...

Uuugh!

-LAUGHTER

-You cheated!

-GROANS

-Now do movie!

The whole movie? I can't, I can't... I don't...

-You perform! You perform or die!

-All right! Oh...

Oh, Pa! Aaargh!

-More stupid!

-Ow! Oh, Pa, why g-g-girl make me feel bad?

You saw what I saw. Tugg Speedman is dead meat if we don't do something.

-We could get our asses back to the hotel!

-It ain't right!

What woulda happened in The Great Escape

if Steve McQueen and them dudes had turned tail and ran?

That's what that movie was about, they were escaping. They ran away.

The point is they did something.

What are we supposed to do, huh? Cos he's cleaning a gun with no bullets!

-Yeah, that's a plan(!)

-I'm like a little boy,

playin' with his dick when he's nervous.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

I got an idea.

-This may be a little crazy.

-Crazy's better than nothing.

Back in 98 I did a low-budget titty comedy for Skinamax.

Sex Camp. Remember it?

Anyway, me and the campers from the uncool camp

had to break into the rich girl camp.

So, what we did, we built a catapult out of logs and underwear

and they shot us over the wall and we parachuted down.

Look, guys, we already know the plan.

-You gotta be kidding. I'm out!

-We do it just like in the book.

Chapter 26 - The White Offensive.

The book of Tropic Thunder.

Yeah. You guys read the book?

Uh, the flap, the back flap. Some of the pictures.

-Well, it's OK, it's exactly the same as in the script.

-Cool.

You guys all read the script, right?

I don't read the script, the script reads me.

-What the hell does that even mean?

-What you getting at with the book?!

Script? Spit that shit out, man!

I... Oh... All right. The White Offensive.

Osirus and Phats go undercover as a diversion.

Motown and Brooklyn sneak in via the river.

Yeah, but those dudes was trained soldiers.

Yay! But we trained actors, motherfucker!

Time to man up.

I ain't gonna sugar-coat it.

-Some of us might not even make it back.

-Whaddya mean?

Like...not on the same flight?

Alpa and I's already wearing earth mama's natural night camo.

-Cool it, Benson!

-Sorry.

We gotta scam. Get a plan together.

We ain't back in 20, come lookin'.

'We are Flaming Dragon.'

Flaming Dragon are heroin manufacturers,

responsible for an eighth of the drug trade in Asia.

Huge profit margin.

Guys!

Will somebody please let me know what the game plan is?!

Peck, we have it handled! Please don't interrupt.

-It's under control.

-I got it.

-PHONE RINGS

-Les Grossman.

-'We not get money yet!'

Price now 100 million!

You pay now or tomorrow Simple Jack die!

Great. Let me get this down.

100 million.

Oh, wait! I got a better idea.

Instead of 100 million, how about I send you a hobo's dick cheese?

'Then you kill him, skin the fucking bastard.'

-Go to town, man. Go to town!

-No.

In the meantime and as usual, go fuck yourself.

-No.

-We don't negotiate with terrorists.

APPLAUSE

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Are you insane?!

-I think I coulda done that better.

-They're gonna kill him!

And...we'll weep for him... in the press,

set up a scholarship in his name.

Eventually, and I'm talking way, way down the road...

-we file an insurance claim.

-Before the end of the fiscal year.

Actually, the claim alone would net us more than we would lose.

You can't be serious.

Let's face it.

The kids aren't dressing up as Scorcher for Purim any more.

Speedman is a dying star.

A white dwarf heading for a black hole.

That's physics. It's inevitable.

We've been handed an incredible opportunity here, Peck.

The universe is talking to us right now.

You just gotta listen.

MUSIC: "Low" by T Pain

# Boots with the fur With the fur

# The whole club was looking at her

# She hit the floor Next thing you know... #

See, this is the good part, Pecker. This is where the job gets fun.

-Yeah.

-Ask and you shall receive.

All right, you play ball... we play ball.

I know you want the goodies.

Welcome to the goodie room.

You paying attention cos I'm talking...

G5 for Pecker. That's how you can roll.

-No more frequent-flyer bitch miles for my boy.

-Um-umm.

Oh, yeah! Player?

Player?

Meet the player.

-Swinging past your knees.

-Big dip, baby.

-Yeah.

MUSIC STOPS

Or you can grow a conscience in the next five minutes

and see where that takes you.

Let me get this straight.

You want me to let my client of 15 years, one of my best friends,

die in the jungle, alone, for some money and a G5?

Yes.

A G5 airplane?

Yes.

And lots of money.

Player.

-MUSIC RESUMES

-Yeah!

Smack it up, live it, rub it down, ho-oh!

# She hit the floor... #

My mom will take care of Jack a lot!

How many more sleeps before she wakes up again?

Sorry, Jack, she in heaven now!

Damn! I thought the movie was bad.

She sleep forever.

To the man's credit he's actually eased up on the retard throttle.

Now that's out of the balance, the audience can connect.

This is Theatre 101, but the guy's had a tough road

to become a naturalist, break down the aesthetic distance. And then...

Aaaargh!

Told ya I'd tag you back.

Can't tell you that I'm sorry

for any offence I might have caused.

-I just got caught up in...

-Being a dumbass?

-I guess so.

Why you still doing this Chicken George shit? I've no idea.

-Neither do I.

-It's beyond me.

-It's beyond me.

-You confused.

-I am a little confused.

-I know.

-But are we cool?

-Not really.

-Hey, man, how's it going?

-Good. Yourself?

If it's no big deal, I'm just gonna hang back here for the mission.

-Watch the stuff. Is that cool?

-Well, no.

We need you, Jeff. What are you talking about?

OK, look, man.

-I got something to tell you.

-OK.

You know those jelly beans I was eating?

Well, they weren't jelly beans. OK?

-They were drugs.

-Really?!

I get down there near the mother lode, I am done!

I'm bad, man! I'm gonna do all the heroin in the fuckin' world!

If you guys wanna make it through this thing,

-you gotta strap me to a tree.

-Oh!

-Really? Are you serious?

-Yeah, I'm serious. Literally a tree.

And no matter what, you can't fucking untie me until it is done,

until it is out of my system. I'll say, "Hey, man, I'm cool."

-"Untie me." Don't listen! Anything I fucking say is a lie!

-You got it!

Goodbye, Mama! Now you can have ice cream in heaven.

I'll see you tonight when I go to bed in my head movies.

But this head movie makes my eyes rain.

CRIES

APPLAUSE

Dang. Gilligan catching a kidney shot.

-Shh. They got him on the move!

-That's torture, man.

-OK. That's where they keeping him.

-I gotta get cracking on my costume.

-Are you good with a needle and thread?

-Hell, yeah.

Alpa Chino chinos sold more than five million pairs last spring.

-I sewed them patterns myself.

-Let's roll out.

# There's something happening here

# What it is ain't exactly clear CREAKING

# There's a man with a gun over there

# Telling me I got to beware

# I think it's time we stop, children What's that sound? #

It's a little twig man Oscar.

I'm going to call you Half Squat.

And you can call me... Papa.

# Paranoia strikes deep

# Into your life it will creep

# It starts when you're always afraid

# You step out of line The man come and take you away #

Wow, look at all those stars.

Really makes a guy feel pretty small.

This could be the last time we look at these stars.

Man, that's beauty.

Nights like tonight make a man wonder what it's all about.

Hey, you guys. Anybody got some bug spray?

-Don't ignore me!

-Stick it out, man. We're gonna get through this.

-Hey, Kirk?

-Yeah?

Are you still dating Jennifer Love Hewitt? Cos I think she's hot.

No, that was just some tabloid conjecture.

Hey, guys, I'm good. Ha, ha! I made it through. You can untie me now.

Funny, huh? The circus life 280 days a year on location.

It's hard to find a girl that can hang with that, you know?

-Not one worth keeping, no how.

-Hey, Radar? Evans?

-It's Kevin.

-Whatever the fuck. Come here.

I didn't tell you but Fatties Fart Three is coming down the pike

-and there's a role for you if you untie me.

-Tough it out.

-Your mother's a cankerous whore!

-Jesus, man.

Hey, man. Remember way back when

I said your mother was a cankerous whore?

-I'm sorry, man. I did not mean that. She's not.

-How about you, man?

-You got some minx waiting for you on the other side of tomorrow?

-Me?

I've barely even had a girlfriend and...

I was really hoping I'd get laid when this movie came out

-but that's not gonna happen.

-What about you, Masterblaster?

You got a certain someone in the States?

What, Alpa Chino? He's ten girls deep 24-7.

I'm talking about something special. Big difference. How about it?

Yeah.

Yeah, there is.

-Well? What's the skinny? Y'all been on a date or what?

-No. I mean...

I always wanted to, but I guess I just never had the courage to ask.

-It's... It's complicated.

-No! It's simple as pie, man.

Look her in the eyes, say, "Hey, baby, you and me's going on a date."

-That's the end of story. What's her name?

-Lance.

"Listen here, Lance..."

Lance? What the fuck did I just hear? Lance?

-Did you say Lance?

-No!

-That sounded like Lance.

-No, I said Nance.

-That's what I said.

-It sounded like Lance.

-I'm Alpa Chino, OK?

I love the pussy! Lay your ass back down and look at the stars.

When you wrote I Love Tha Pussy, was you thinking of dangling your dice

-on Lance's forehead?

-Hell, no! What? Come on.

-Man, everyone's gay once in a while.

-I'm not gay!

-This Hollywood.

-How about we get back to work?

-OK.

-This is ridiculous!

-Cool.

We got a big day tomorrow. Let's get focused.

Alpa, if you untie me, I will literally suck your dick right now.

I told you for the last time, I love the pussy!

I'll cradle the balls, stroke the shaft

work the pipe and swallow the gravy.

Get it over here, buddy. Let's do this.

What's the plan? Are you gonna talk Vietnamese to those dudes?

No. No. Mandarin Chinese. It's what they speaking down there.

-How the hell do you know Chinese?

-Land Of Silk And Money with Gong Li.

Second Globe, third Oscar. Prepped for that one by working in

a Beijing textile factory for eight months. That might be our ride.

-The straps are too tight!

-Shut your mouth and follow my lead.

SPEAKS MANDARIN

All right. That looks like it could be the munitions hut right there.

I'll try to find Speedman.

-MUFFLED SHOUTING:

-Get over here!

-What are you doing here?

-He has hands.

-He killed Damien.

-Bullshit!

-He blinded Jamie Lee Curtis.

-Almost!

-What are you talking about?

-Damien stepped on a old landmine.

-Oh, sweet. Thank God.

-We busting Speedman out.

-Speedman?

Oh, ow!

My boom boom's up here. I take it y'all are doing

the Wet Offensive from the book. I can give y'all a diversion.

I got enough shit to light the place up like it's the 4h of fucking July

Yes, your farm.

Where is your farm?!

Americans!

My farm?

Oh, shit.

Here's my motherfucking farm!

Oh, yeah!

-Whoo ha!

-YELLING

Yeah! Eat cock, baby!

Kwan-Lo!

I'm a lead farmer, motherfucker!

Yeah!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, keep your head down!

Keep your head down on the ground! Nobody move or I do the little guy!

That's right, we running this programme now, JP.

-Now show me where the drugs are.

-What the fuck?

-That ain't the plan!

-Don't judge me!

He's got a real serious problem.

Hey! Hey, you!

Take off your clothes! Take off your clothes!

-What do we do now?

-Stick with the plan. Find Speedman.

-Keep this clown posse down.

-Y'all heard the man.

Be suede! Don't move! Whoo! Fuck your do-rag. Fuck your do-rag.

-Door!

-One, two, three!

-Hyagh!

-I go high, you go low.

-OK.

Get down! Get down! Chow Yun-Fat, get the hell down!

If I see one more head pop up, it'll be bullet Whac-A-Mole.

-Come on, come on!

-Smoke grenade. Don't drop it now.

-Here.

-What's this?

-I don't know what it's called.

I just know the sound it makes when it lies.

Don't move, Matchbox, or I will shoot you.

I'm gonna put on this thing. Don't move.

-I can still see you.

-GRUNTS

Tugg!

Tugg?

Gotcha.

-Roll your shit up, man. We going home.

-Home?

But I'm doing five shows a day for a standing-room-only crowd.

-Don't you get it? I already am home.

-Uh-oh.

All right now, dude, you gotta get it...

-My son gave this to me.

-That's your stick buddy?

-His name is Twigman.

-Does he wanna come with us?

-GROANS:

-Hey!

Get the hell down!

What you doing? What you doing? Don't touch that gun. Don't do it!

Don't touch that gun! If you touch that gun...

Ah!

-Oh, shit, it's on!

-Over here!

ROARS

BOTH YELL

GUNFIRE

Shadow me, Pinocchio! Smoke!

Jeff, don't!

It doesn't matter what I do.

I'll always be a screw-up. No-one'll respect me.

That's not true. You're not a screw-up! You make people laugh.

-They only laugh at my farts.

-Jeff, we really need to go now!

This is all I deserve!

SPEAK MANDARIN

FARTS

LAUGHTER

ROARS

Laugh at that, you bastards!

Ha-ha! Oh, hilarious! Hilarious!

Let's move. We only have 16 hours before they wake up.

ALARM BLARES

The dinner bell's ringing. These assholes'll be crawling in here.

There. All right, you keep six right here.

Come on, let's go.

-What are you doing? Let's get out of here!

-He's on tilt status.

Same thing happened to me when I played Neil Armstrong in Moonshot.

They found me in an alley, trying to re-enter the Earth's atmosphere

in an old refrigerator box.

Give me the flame thrower. Start the chopper.

-No, fuck that! Just give me this.

-No time! I'll take care of this!