Under the Mud

This programme contains some strong language

Hiya, Mum.

Sorry I haven't been for ages.

There's been loads going on.

You are not going to believe this.

I've been staying at Paul's a lot.

I wasn't getting on with my dad and Sally said I could stay with them.

Things weren't exactly great there, either.

Little Olivia was growing fast,

but even back then, she was the most sensible one on the family.

Paul was still into his drawing but he was smoking way too much draw.

Little Karl was driving the family round the bends with his car obsession.

Paula was into some divvy called DJ Worm.

Just cos he played a few records in the clubs!

They always were a mad family.

But things really kicked off on that day -

The day of little Olivia's Holy Communion.

Mum! I only bought that last week!

First up best dressed.

-Giddy-up.

-You'll look like a bag of sausage rolls with that on.

-Not bad for early 30s.

-Nearly 30s, more like.

They've got a new dog.

You'll never guess what they called it.

Stop licking me, Bollocks!

A dog called Bollocks.

Mum, will you give it back? I haven't even worn it yet.

-Will you shut that bloody dog up?

-I mean it, Mum.

# I used to think I had it all worked out

I wish you'd all just...

# I used to think that I was down and out. #

Morning, Mum. How's the toenail?

I'm in absolute bloody agony!

Magic!

Oh yeah, remember Georgina?

Imaginary friend that Paula had when she was little.

Well, she never went away.

She does exist.

Well, in Paula's head, anyway.

So it was the big day.

As we were all happily tucking into our brekkie,

an old mate of Joe and Sal's had just finished his porridge.

But he was still hungry.

For revenge.

I might go totally blonde,

like platinum.

Worm'll be made up, he pure loves blondes.

MUSIC PLAYS

-Quick, turn it up, it's our favourite.

-Get Georgina to do it.

# One can have a dream, baby

# Two can make that dream so real

# One can talk about being in love

# Two can say how it really feels

# One can wish upon a star

# Two can make a wish come true... #

It's from Worm.

"Need to see you

"at The Kiss tonight."

Wonder what he wants.

You'll have to wait till after Olivia's party.

-But...

-But nothing.

-I'm going to do a bit on the camper.

-He better not be serious.

We'll be off on our hols in that camper van as soon as it's finished.

You won't get me in that rust box.

-Can I help?

-I told you before, it's not a toy.

-Hey, what do you call a fish with no eyes?

-Fsh...

These two aerials, you know, get married. The service was crap.

-But the reception was brilliant.

-Aah!

-Mum! Mum!

Aargh!

Ha!

Tell your father we haven't got time for his bargain-bin jokes today.

Tell your ma to put a smile on her arse.

Was only having a laugh!

This dress will be the talk of the neighbourhood

by the time I finish with it.

I'll look like a proper fairy princess?

You're going to outshine everyone.

What you doing, Mr P.

You'll just have to wait and see, lad.

Here's my other little precious.

Hey, you're all sweaty, Bollocks.

Sweaty Bollocks.

-You should be ready by now.

-I'm waiting for my dad to finish.

-What are you doing?

-Just trying to make the day extra special.

Aren't I, love?

Hold Bollocks.

Come on, let's get you ready for the grand unveiling.

KNOCK AT THE DOOR

Brought you some eggy bread.

Hold the tomato sauce.

Bless. Thanks, but I can't.

Not if I want to get into this.

Doesn't!

What do you think?

Yeah.

I don't look like a Wotsit.

Do you think I've got too much fake tan on?

Erm...

no?

You've got to eat, you're like a rake as it is.

You're messing, aren't you?

Feel all that eggy bread.

Any more and Worm'll pure go off me.

You're sound as you are.

It's bad enough having all them dubbers dancing round him wearing next to nothing.

-How about some toast instead, then?

-No way. I'm not having some stick insect steal him off me.

You'll faint if you don't eat anything.

Things are pure starting to get serious between me and Worm.

How about some orange juice, then?

Worm always plays this for me. It's our song.

I'll just do some orange juice, then.

-He'd better not ruin that dress.

-He won't.

-What's he up to?

-You know what he's like.

-Don't I?

Olivia will look beautiful whatever he does to it.

-You'd look lovely in a white dress.

-Not today, please.

The way you're going all the kids will be married before you are.

We won't be getting married.

-I know he can be a pain in the arse sometimes but deep down he thinks the world of you.

-Really?

You need to sort yourselves out.

I know you think marriage is a waste of time but making the commitment

might just be the thing that brings you closer together again.

-It could even bring the butterflies back.

-Paula!

Suddenly in bounced Kelly Curry, Paula's real mate.

She was hard enough to understand as it was, but when she was excited it was virtually impossible.

Upstairs.

Keep still, will you? Get off!

Are you OK, babe?

-Yeah.

-You do know, don't you?

-know what?

-You don't know, do you?

-Kelly, what are you on about?

-Orange juice.

Girl-talk!

Listen, babes, you're not going to like this.

Tiffany Pike told me Worm's going to be DJing a new club

in San Antonio, Ibiza.

I'm dead sorry, babe.

If he was going surely you'd be the first to know.

That must be why he wants to see me tonight, to tell me.

He might ask me to go with him.

I'd know if he was going to finish with me.

Things are going really well between you, aren't they?

Yeah, course.

They are!

Did Tiffany say when he's going?

Tonight, straight after the set.

I don't care what my mum says, I've got to see him.

Ready for our little queen for the day?

ALL: Ooh!

Ah!

You ain't seen nothing yet.

Ah!

-Is that safe?

-Course it is.

-If she's wearing them things, I'm not going.

-She looks gorgeous.

Just like a little angel.

-This isn't about you. It's about our Olivia.

-It's about you, more like, showing off as usual.

-Paul, just go and get ready.

-No.

-Get up them stairs now.

-Stop it.

-Hands off me, no-mark.

-What did you say?

-Oh, stop it.

I've had enough of all of you.

You're right, it does look good on her.

-Whatever you're after, no.

-I've got to see Worm before he goes to work.

-No chance.

-It's really important.

-And so's your little sister's first Holy Communion.

Don't you understand? I love him.

-You're 17. Don't be throwing your life away on the first lad that comes along.

-What, like you did?

Well, we're not you and my dad.

You're coming to the party and that's the end of the matter.

Oh, thanks. And you can give me my dress back as well.

Everyone's got a sell-by date and hers is well past.

You look lovely. Can we go now?

-What's the point?

-Come on, everyone's waiting.

-Paula's right.

-What's all this about now?

I wouldn't expect you to understand.

Let's just go.

Everything will be all right after a few drinks.

Our problems will not be solved with a night out.

They're still going to be here when we get back.

-You all right, Mrs P?

-Yeah, I'm fine.

-You sure?

Yeah. How about you?

Me? I'm sound.

I could invite your dad along tonight if you like, you know.

I don't think he'd come.

Well, we'd understand if you didn't want to come to the service.

I wouldn't miss it for anything.

-It's not going to be easy for you going back to that church.

-I know.

At least this time it's for a happier occasion, eh?

Sense the nation's joy as Princess Olivia Potts

arrives with her royal entourage.

What a breathtaking beauty this girl is

as she steps from her ornate carriage.

-Lens cap, Dad.

-Eh?

All right. Let's get a few photos.

I want one of the whole family before we go in as well.

This is my best side.

-Just get inside, will you?

-How about one of the three of you?

-I can take it.

-Yeah.

-No, you're all right.

Take one now, lad, while she's got her back to the camera.

It's her best side.

Not you as well.

Mrs P's not her usual self.

She stopped being her usual self years ago.

-Hey, lad. What do you think you're doing?

-I was listening to that.

Never mind listening to it, making a show of me.

Sit down.

-Move over.

-Just sit down and shut up, you.

Paula, ask Georgina to move up for me.

She says she's squashed as it is.

-For God's sake. Joe?

-Stand behind my ma. I can't move up.

-Do as you're told.

-I'm sitting here with Karl.

What's wrong with you? Come here, lad, you'll have to sit on my knee.

She can't sit down. She's squashed.

-Body of Christ.

-Amen.

-Body of Christ.

-Amen.

-Body of Christ.

-Amen.

Body of Christ.

Amen.

-Body of Christ.

-Amen.

-Body of Christ.

-Amen.

Body of Christ. Jesus Christ.

Here y'are. Drop her off.

-What's its name?

-Bollocks.

-I was only asking.

If it isn't my old mate Joe.

Looking good, Sal.

-You're out.

-And I can't tell you how good it feels.

Can we go into the party, Dad?

You go in with your nan, love.

You've had another one, then.

Two more. Little lad as well.

-Must be happy.

-They are, yeah.

What you doing here?

-Just checking out one of my little investments.

-You own this place?

I needed something to come out to

and since you're celebrating,

-I might as well make it a free bar all night.

-There's no need.

-Behave.

We're not having a party at this club.

-We've got no choice.

-How can we with him hanging around?

You don't even seem bothered.

I just don't want to ruin Olivia's day.

Mr Boot. We weren't expecting you.

I bet you weren't.

Oh! Thanks ever so much.

-Isn't that lovely?

-Who is that?

-Davey Brooks.

-The famous One Dig.

Some people used to call him that before he got sent to prison.

-You just steer clear.

-Why?

-Hiya, love.

-Nan!

We could have laid on a proper welcome for you.

Never mind all that. I've come to check the books.

Shouldn't you be celebrating?

Now.

-In my office.

-In MY office.

As usual, all the gossips were made up.

Sally was going out with Davey until she binned him for Joe.

One Dig and Joe owned a garage.

But One Dig was always up to something, till he got caught out.

A dodgy cut and shunt job.

A whole family died in the crash.

What do you know about this One Dig fella?

Not much, but my mum and dad don't look too happy about him showing up.

Mum and Dad don't look happy, end of.

If you want to see 10 you'd better keep your slobber off me new danny.

I was only looking, mate.

It's the new four-wheel drive injection C, innit?

24-valve engine. You floored it yet?

I only got it this morning.

152 mph.

It's the ultimate four-wheel dream machine.

Never mind all that. Just do one, you little toe rag.

I think that belongs to me, Davey.

Didn't know he was your lad, Joe.

-Stay there.

-It's brand-new.

You know the score. I'll give him a go on it some time, if you want.

-He's a pain in the arse over cars as it is.

-Takes after you, then.

It's just a job these days.

I'd have thought you'd have your own set-up by now.

No, I work from my house.

I bet Sally's not happy with that, engine parts all over the place.

What are you really doing here, Davey?

Look, I don't hold any grudges.

As far as I'm concerned you did what you had to.

But if I'd lied for you, you could have got off for it.

That's history now.

Scotch and a pint of lager, please.

It's a free bar.

I'll pay for my own drinks.

I'm not allowed to take any money, Mr Brooks said.

Take it as a tip.

Come and have a drink with me, girl.

-Champagne, ladies?

-Go on.

And one for Georgina.

I remember you two when you were in nappies.

Our Paul still is.

So what do you do with yourself?

-I'm on a dance course.

-Good for you.

I just want to earn some cash.

-Oh, yeah? Doing what?

-Anything.

I might have something for you, leave it with me.

-Laughing.

-No sweat.

It's a free bar, you know, mate.

-What?

-It's a free bar, you know, mate.

-I know, yeah.

I can cover for you, if you want?

No, I'd better not.

It's no sweat.

I'm like one of the family, anyway.

No-one will mind.

Do you know what you're doing?

Do you know what you're doing?

Oh, yeah.

I'll just get a quick half.

Over a barrier and just smack him.

Hey, you. Ah, here he is. It's good to see you again, lad.

You've put some beef on, haven't you?

-No need to go on my account.

-They've all for a message, Dot.

Get us a pint of milk for the morning, lads.

It's not that sort of message, Dot.

I remember when you and my Joe used to go to the shops for me.

Like two peas in a pod, you were.

Happy days.

You and Joe were always fighting over her, even back then.

It's a long time ago now.

Things change.

Do they?

-Any requests?

-Yeah, sort of.

My mum always listens to you, doesn't she?

Suppose so.

Can you have a word with her? Persuade her to let me go see Worm.

It's Olivia's party.

-Go on. For me.

-Is he really worth all this chasing after?

Yeah, he is.

Does he, you know, feel the same about you?

-I really thought you'd understand, Sean.

-I do.

-Then help me.

Look, let's just say he asks you to go to Ibiza with him.

What happens if things don't work out? You'd be stuck over there on your own.

-Sean!

-I'm just saying.

Maybe he's not right for you.

Got a cauldron on the go over there, have you?

When shall we three meet again?

-Do you have to?

-Hasn't anyone got a sense of humour anymore?

I wouldn't be laughing if I was her.

You've gone out of your way to wind her up today.

Oh, eh, man.

I know you don't mean any of it but all you do is upset her.

You've got to start using more of this and less of that otherwise you're going to lose her.

I've tried losing her loads of times. She always finds her way back.

You can hide behind your lousy jokes all you like but I know what's going on inside.

-You're making me thirsty.

-And getting drunk won't help, either.

I can't believe Magic won't have a word for you.

I'll talk to her myself.

-Why wouldn't he?

-Just forget it.

No, he doesn't, he's just a mate.

-Who? What?

-Nothing.

You've always hated Worm.

You always blank him.

You're just pure jealous. You are!

I've seen the way you look down your nose at him.

Are you calling me a liar? What are you looking at?

You. You're talking to yourself.

-Mind your own business.

-Argh! What are

you doing? Look what you've done to my clothes, you stupid bitch.

-What am I supposed to do now?

-Hey, hey.

She's off her head.

That was your fault.

-It was!

-They're always like this.

You made a proper show of us there.

OK, folks. Now, before the buffet opens,

a certain somebody would like to say a few words.

Little Olivia's proud father, Joe Potts.

Thank you all for coming.

I think you'll all agree that my little girl looks amazing.

How about a big round of applause for that amazing dress?

All right, you can cut the flash. Them batteries aren't cheap.

It's great to see all the old faces here tonight.

Even some of our distant relations have put an appearance in.

Don't see them for years and suddenly all the vol-au-vents are gone.

Hey, you know who you are.

I never forget a face. Though in Sally's case, I've tried and tried.

Hey, I bought her a lovely chair for Christmas.

The miserable cow still hasn't plugged it in.

Oh, no, seriously, though.

Me and Sally, we'd been happy for years.

Until we met.

Sally, we're all pulling your leg.

You know I love you to bits.

Though in bits would be better.

Have a great night.

-Funny, eh?

-Do you have to?

-Oh, lighten up, you miserable cow.

-I'm only miserable because of you.

Poor old Sally.

I can't take it anymore.

Go through with the rest of the night for Olivia's sake.

After that, it's over.

-Promises, promises.

-I mean it.

This time I want you out, Joe.

-If you want to leave, then fine.

-I'll take the kids to our Rita's.

Who said you're taking my kids, anyway?

The kids'll want to be with me.

You'll still have your precious Bollocks to keep you company.

SOBS

How's it going, Joe?

Thought you'd quit.

So did I.

My da' gave up for a year,

but he started smoking again the day after my ma's funeral.

I just came home one day.

He's sat on the couch, smoking ciggie after ciggie, knocking them down with a bottle of Scotch.

Can I have a Coke, please, mate?

How is your da' these days?

Same as always really. Bladdered.

Sorry, lad, I didn't...

Don't worry about it.

He's happier now. He's at our now, his mates at Tanya's.

He couldn't drink when she was alive.

That's all he ever does.

He must really miss her.

More than he realises.

Oh, God, doesn't she look gorgeous?

Image of your mother when she was little. Here y'are, precious.

Go and get yourself some sweeties.

-You get some as well.

-Ta.

-How much?

-Nearly 30 each.

Come on, are we done yet?

-It's legalised mugging.

-Auntie Lynn.

You should be up enjoying yourself. Come and dance with your old nan.

That's it, time to go.

You and me, girl. Let's show them.

Hang on, I'll take my shoes off.

They're killing me.

You can't get off.

-Your mum will flip.

-Then try and get her to see how important this is.

It's not worth it.

What do you know?

Look, he's going to Ibiza tonight.

That's why he left is so late to tell you because he's taking the piss.

-See you later.

-Look, I'm sorry, I just

think you deserve better. That's all.

-Yeah, right, whatever.

-You don't need him.

-There's loads of good lads out there for you.

-Like who?

Well, me.

As if!

He's proper messing, isn't he?

Yeah, shut up, Kelly.

No way. Magic's on your case.

Let's head off before...

-Where do you think you're going?

-Nowhere.

You can forget about going to see that lad.

I want you to take the kids home. They're making right nuisances of themselves.

-Paul can take them.

-I'm asking you.

You can go to your club when I get back. I just want to thank everyone.

But it will be too late by then.

I'm not arguing with you. I'm telling you.

-Mum!

-Home, now, or you won't be going to the club at all.

Skinning up?

-It's doing my head in down there.

-Tell me about it.

Seen my dad's stand-up routine?

Think I've got to live with that every day.

Seeing as you're taking a percentage of what's mine,

I'm going to take a percentage of what's yours.

If one of my employees is a bit light-fingered,

he's going to end up a few fingers light.

Jesus.

Wouldn't want to get on the wrong side of him.

At least he's made something of himself.

I wish my old fella could be more like that.

You're messing, aren't you?

Making a fella pay for robbing off him.

Look, at least One Dig's respected around here, unlike soft shite in there.

Everyone thinks he's a beaut.

I'm not getting undressed in front of you, you perv.

-Go to bed!

-Karl, do as you're told or I'll tell my dad.

Do as you're told or I'll tell my dad.

Turn that off.

Argh!

Paula? What happened?

Shall I call an ambulance?

I'm all right.

There's no way.

What?

Can't be.

Pregnant?

-That's what she said.

-How does she know?

She just does.

What's Worm going to say?

I don't know.

You'd better tell him, and quick.

I'd earn enough working for One Dig.

I could get my own flat.

What, so you're going to be a gangster now, are you?

No. I'd just do enough to get out of our house.

No wonder we're all off it with a ma and da like them two.

Look at our Paula. She can't be herself, so she invented Georgina.

So what? She's doing no harm, is she?

But it's mad, though, the whole thing is. The sooner they're out of my face, the better.

Just shut the fuck up, will you?

You've got everything. A mum and dad that love you, that care about you.

You don't know how lucky you are.

I was 14 and my mum died.

14, man!

My dad took the easy way out and left me to deal with all the shit.

I had to look after myself.

Who was it that threw me a lifeline, eh?

Those knobheads down there that you're slagging off.

The family that you hate so much are my family, too.

The nearest thing I've got to one.

I seen your mum this morning.

She's still upset.

I've never seen her like that before.

Her and your dad are on the verge of splitting up.

You're not even bothered.

All you care about is yourself.

Shh. Down, down.

Good boy. Shh, there's a good boy.

Good boy.

Go back to sleep.

-I can't. I'm hungry.

-Get back to bed and I'll bring you something.

Can I have some golden nuggets?

Only if you get back to bed.

-Where are you going?

-Nowhere.

-I'm coming with you.

-You can't.

I'll tell our Paula.

All right, but be quiet.

-Golden nuggets.

-Olivia!

Paul, I need you to come back to ours and look after the kids.

-It's an emergency.

-All right, well can you ask him to hurry up?

Ta.

Taxi's on its way.

-Are you sure you should be drinking?

-No, you boob, it's to put my sample in.

We'll have to go to an all-night chemist on the way to pick up pregnancy test and things.

I just want to be certain.

So you're going to carry a bottle of wee in the cab? I'm sitting in the front.

-Hold that.

-Eee! No!

-I haven't even done anything in it yet.

-I know, but you're going to.

-What do you think of Worm? What will he if you are?

-He wouldn't.

He's not like that.

He'd cancel Ibiza if I really wanted him to. But I don't.

He might think it's good news. He might even want a baby.

I think some fellas look dead cute with the babies hanging around in those carrying things.

He'll love our baby.

-Tell her to shut up.

-Shut it, Georgina. What did she say?

She's slagging Worm off.

You are just jealous.

Have you done it yet? The car will be here soon.

I can't.

Turn a tap on, that might help.

My mum will kill me if she finds out I've left the kids on their own.

I'd be more worried about her finding out

-you're pregnant, if I were you.

-Oh, thanks.

WATER RUNNING

Eee!

Maybe you should stay here.

There's no way I'm letting you deal with this on your own.

I mean, you and Georgina, your Paula will be there any minute, and besides, the kids are well away.

Evening, ladies. Where to tonight?

No, wait, don't tell me, I'm seeing a nightclub.

Something passionate.

-Kiss.

-Charlie, you take us there all the time.

Yes, but how was I to know you were going there tonight?

-We need to stop off at the all-night chemist on the way as quick as possible, please.

-Don't worry.

As quick as possible is something I can definitely do.

Eh, eh, eh, you better not be drinking that in my cab, you'll get it all over the seats.

Don't worry, we won't.

Glad to hear it, cos because people take the piss when they're in my cab sometimes.

Are you going back to the party?

No. I'm going for a drive.

-In that new car?

-Oh yeah.

Do I look like a proper fairy princess?

Just eat your nuggets.

Ready?

So how much did it is set you back, then?

A good few collection pieces worth, Father.

It's the ultimate four-wheel dream machine.

I must've left the keys in the office.

You've got to take me for a spin in it.

I won't be a minute, Father.

Don't forget like, the good shepherd appeal.

Don't do that.

I'm used to clearing up after these people.

-Get one of the girls to do it.

-I don't mind, honestly.

-Oh way then.

-Leave them.

-No, I don't mind.

The more right turns you make, the more likely your journey will end unhappily.

Get lost, Chill.

Hey, I'm telling you, all these right turns, I'm sensing that you haven't had the best of days.

Chill, we're not in the mood for your stupid predictions. They're always wrong anyway.

Hey, hey, I had this girl with me this morning right and I said to her, I can see money coming her way.

She looked shocked.

She was only going down the post office to buy a scratchcard.

I was spot on.

What, she won?

No, but she picked up her pension while she was there.

Come on, Chill. You said as quick as possible.

Don't worry. Quick as possible is something I can definitely do.

A dwarf's arse. Ha!

Some things never change.

He's certainly enjoying himself.

He always does.

What about you?

Look, I'd better go and talk to people. Thanks for your help.

A dwarf's arse!

Mirrors. Check.

Fuel, oil, water? Check.

-Seatbelt?

-Princesses don't wear seatbelts.

They do when I'm driving.

And don't drop any cereal on them seats.

-All set?

-Isn't this naughty?

We're just borrowing it to check out its performance.

Let's see if this beast lives up to its hype.

Wait.

-I'm getting a vision.

-Not now, Chill.

-No, no, this is a strong one.

-We're in a rush.

I'm seeing true love.

And a stairway, no,

steps leading to a plane.

Is someone getting on a plane?

Who is it? Where are they going?

Is it Ibiza?

No, no, the vibe's gone.

You can't just leave me like that.

What can I do? It's a mystical gift, it's not help line.

You don't think...

No.

You OK?

Yes. Sound.

Look, about before...

My dad used to always bring me here.

To meet Mum from work.

She used to always get me chicken soup from the machine, the terminal.

Now every time I smell chicken soup, it reminds me of her.

I don't suppose you can reminisce on the good times, can you?

You and your shit childhood.

-Look, I'm dead sorry.

-It's not just about before, Paul.

You're always doing it.

I mean, I'm your best mate, but it even starts to do my head in.

I know, I can't help it , it's just seeing my dad wasting his time

in a camper van in the back garden and me ma always having a go at him.

It makes me think, is that all life's got to offer me?

What about your art and all that?

An artist in Garston?

If you keep thinking like that, you're going to get nowhere, aren't you?

You could ask for other people's help.

Like good old Joe and Sal?

Well, yeah. Why not?

They got all the shit at the moment.

-They always have.

-It's serious this time.

I don't want them to split up.

Yes, yes. Here we go, here we go.

Here we go!

Right, here goes.

Stand in front of me, I don't want anyone to see.

Sure you know what to do?

Well, I haven't got time to fart about, I'll just have

-to stick the thingy in the bottle.

-Is this supposed to be fresh wee?

It's still warm. What did you want, steam?

-Watch me shoes!

-How long have I got to wait?

One minute.

Can I put this away now?

No, I might need to do another test.

I just want to be sure.

Blue's positive, pink's negative.

Blue for a boy, pink for a girl. What do you want?

Kelly?!

I suppose a little boy would be nice.

I'm not saying I want a kid.

Come on.

I'll end up all fat and full of stretchies.

No, you won't.

No more nights in The Kiss for me.

I'll have to stay in all the time.

How can I study dance with a bump?

Pregnancy-testing kit?

You shouldn't have wasted your money, I could've told you.

Shut up, Chill.

It's changing colour.

Oh, God.

Satisfied now?

There's that weirdo, Paula Potts.

She talks to herself.

Did you see that?

What?

Like a flying angel.

Honest.

Yeah, all right.

Who did you get that merch off?

Tomo.

We've got to keep well in with him, then.

Let's get back to ours, I fancy a bowl of curries.

Sound.

Have you got any peanut butter?

No.

Got some chicken soup, though.

Ah!

Move on the side, kids.

I told you, we should've dumped the Escort, you can't even get it too bloody start.

Got no chance anyway, we can't take a pull in this shit bin.

Stop flapping, will you? We'll be lucky if we can get away from these lights.

Listen, we'll just have to get another on five-finger discount.

Cop a load of this.

-That's what we need.

-They've never robbed that.

He must of, look, he's only a bloody baby. Hey, mate!

That your motor?

-What's it to you?

-Did you nick it?

I'm no scumbag joyrider.

Anyway, only dickheads rob cars.

And mind that.

Come on, come on!

Come on, come on. Come on, we need that motor.

Just put your foot down, go faster.

I've tried it. It can't go faster.

What are you doing?

Banging that won't make it go faster. Move the car, mate.

Who's farted? Who's farted?

-Do I look all right?

-You look gorgeous, babe, don't worry.

Don't worry? What if he...

There's no time to worry.

Want me to come in with you?

No. I need to do this alone.

That means you, too.

# Never, ever be alone

# Never, ever be alone... #

Big deal! You were right, what do you want, a medal?

You're so sarcastic. You can be such a bitch sometimes,

Georgina. You call yourself a mate?

-I hate you.

-Let's just do it.

Go on. Tell me how stupid I've been.

I am.

Stupid and pathetic for thinking someone like Worm would want

to be with a divvy like me. I don't want your pity.

I don't want anything from you.

-Go on, get out.

-What are you doing?

OK, love.

I tell you what, he's fast for a little prick, isn't he?

What was he saying about you? He's slowing down!

Get out off the road, it's an emergency.

Me and him and the kids. Just...

I didn't order that.

I did.

I don't really drink champagne, you know?

Well, you should.

Only the best.

I haven't seen you talking to Joe yet, is everything OK?

Yes, it's just a lot of people to get round.

You shouldn't have to be laying on all these free drinks, it is going to cost you a fortune.

I can afford it.

Besides, spending it on you is money well spent.

To the future.

For God's sakes, don't give me no shit. Just go!

See, told you they'd be all right. You worry too much.

His breathing sounds a bit funny.

Maybe he's having a dream.

About driving some fast car.

I know he's a pain but he can be all right, really, I suppose.

Good night, mate.

Urgh! Bollocks!

See if he's with Olivia.

Oh, Karl, this isn't funny. Come on, where are you?

Olivia isn't in her bed, either.

Second gear - are you fucking stupid?

All right, all right, I haven't passed me test yet, knobhead.

Hey, Nigel Mansell, drive car.

They must have gone back to the party.

If they had, my mum would be straight back round to kill me.

They might not have arrived yet. Maybe we'd better go now.

We turn up and they aren't there, that'll make things even worse.

All right?

-What's up?

-Everything.

Is your Karl and Olivia. We were only gone for a bit.

-They must have sneaked out.

-What, you left them on their own?

I left loads of messages on your phone telling you to come back and mind them. Why didn't you turn it on?

Don't start blaming me.

They'll be all right. They can't have gone far.

-I saw that goblin thing in the car before.

-What are you on?

Almost like a little angel.

Olivia?

Could have been.

What would she be doing in a car?

-Karl.

-It was like a big, black four-wheel drive.

-Looked brand-new.

-Oh, my God.

# If you really need me Just reach out and touch me

# Come on, sugar, let me know... #

I pushed you over the wall, and who's the one who ended up getting bitten?

You shouldn't even have been there in the first place.

-That was all your idea.

-I've still got the teeth marks in me arse.

When I was in jail it was only the memories that kept me going.

-Where did it all go wrong, eh?

-Speak for yourself.

You're not telling me that you're happy.

-Yeah.

-I've known the you too long.

We were good together, Sal.

Well, things change.

-Can't we go somewhere quieter?

-Can you give us a hand, love?

It's a bit hard to manoeuvre in those toilets. Somebody could have an accident.

Let's lose them in here.

Where's he going? Turn right, turn right!

We've got him now!

-We've lost him.

-No, you fucking lost him!

Where the fuck's he gone now?

It's a four-wheel drive, you can't miss it.

Give us a ring if you see anything.

I should have checked on them properly.

I know what they're like.

-Stop blaming yourself.

-It's my fault.

If I hadn't been running around after Worm,

-Karl and Olivia would be safe in bed.

-What happened at the club?

I saw him with some girl.

They were all over each other.

Maybe it's for the best.

How can it be? I love him.

You'll get over him. I know you will.

-Who'd want me?

-Especially with Worm's baby!

You what?

Does he know?

Well, then, you've got to tell him.

What's the use?

Georgina was right.

He isn't interested.

He never was.

But you can't just let him go without telling him.

It's too late. He'll be getting ready to leave for Ibiza.

All right, nice one, fella.

No-one's seen him. The word's out, anyway.

Going to have to start looking ourselves, you know.

-Let me know if you hear anything.

-Where are you going?

I'm going to go back to the airport, check there. Don't worry,

everything is going to be fine.

You stay here in case they come back, OK?

Can you keep an eye out for Georgina?

-We had a row before.

-OK.

Paul. Thanks.

-Disappeared.

-He hasn't disappeared, mate. He's not Magic, is he?

Can't see him.

I can't bloody see him.

The fuck?

Look, look, look.

There he is, there. Go! Go! Go!

Hold on tight, kids.

He doesn't mean it, you know, the way he talks, the way he behaves.

He just likes to show off a bit.

-His dad was exactly the same.

-How did you put up with it?

You just do. After all, that's part of what attracted me to him in the first place.

It's all right when you're 16, but after 20-odd years, Dot, it wears a bit thin.

-You should never stop laughing together.

-We have.

OK, folks, it's about time we heard from the mush who's been laying on the ale all night.

Let's give a big hand, ladies and gentlemen, for good old Davey Brooks!

APPLAUSE

I think you'll all agree it's been a sound day,

and glad to see all the old faces again, and a few new ones as well.

Give us a song, Davey!

You're joking, aren't you? If I start singing, I'll empty this gaff.

Then again, drive all you away from a free bar?

Anyway, yous have been warned.

Here goes.

That's the one.

# There goes my first love

# With the guy I used to call my friend

# There goes love I thought would never end

# And I can't forget her

# My heart is breaking

# When I see her holding hands with him

# Can't help thinking of what might have been

# She's still my first love

# My first love is still around

# She never left this part of town

# Now I see most every day But she won't look my way... #

I'm just going to use the phone and make sure the kids are all right.

# There goes love I thought would never end

# And I can't forget her... #

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Oh, hiya, Mum. No, everything's fine.

Yeah, fine. Both asleep.

What time do you think you'll be in?

There's no need to rush. I'm not going out any more.

You just enjoy your night.

Honestly, everything's fine.

See you later.

Do you think she realised something's up?

-Wait until I get my hands on our Karl.

-Don't say that!

I hope Georgina's all right.

I shouldn't have left her like that.

She can look after herself.

I can't just sit here and wait.

What if One Dig goes looking for his car?

What if he catches up with them? Call Chill.

He won't be able to tell us where they are.

Yeah, but at least then we can be looking for them, too.

-But what if they come back?

-Great, then they'll be safe.

But I won't be if my mum and dad get back and they're not here.

Had a bit of an accident?

It's them taps. They need looking at.

It's your head that needs looking at, treating Sally like shit. She deserves better.

Someone like you?

-Unless you want to get nicked again.

-You brought all that on yourself.

You were me best mate!

You could have got me off with it, you could have given me an alibi!

-I've had to live with it all these years!

-You!

You're nothing but a joke.

I really need to talk to you. Alone.

I'm sorry, I can't.

Please. In my office. No-one will disturb us.

Worm!

Sorry, mate, I'm late for me flight.

Crowds of kids wouldn't let me go.

No, I'm not a fan. I'm a friend of Paula Potts.

-Never heard of her.

-Yeah, you have.

Listen, I don't know her and I don't know you, so get out me face.

-She's pregnant, you know.

-So what?

Do I look like a family planning adviser or something?

-It's your baby, knobhead!

-Do one, crank.

I'm not going anywhere until you agree to talk to Paula.

I'm going to Ibiza, mate.

Sorry about that. Some of these fans are nuts.

Still no ring after all these years?

Don't need a ring to prove you love each other.

So he's never asked you, then?

Just never got round to it.

I'd have done it properly.

-What do you mean?

-A big white wedding first, then the kids.

That's it, we've got him now!

Look, they can't go anywhere now.

-They're going to get us!

-Don't worry, I've got it sorted.

He's going nowhere. He's going nowhere.

Where's he gone?

Don't move.

I've got an idea.

HE MOANS

Should be there for at least six months with all the work I've got lined up. What are you doing?!

You can't just get off like this. She's really into you.

Give me passport back, I've warned you!

No! You've got to face up to your responsibilities.

You should be made up.

Paula Potts... Hang on, I do know her. She talks to herself.

If you took the time to get to know her properly, you'd realise what she's really like.

-She's not just a bimbo.

-Kevin!

If she's that special, why don't you have her?

She doesn't want me. She wants you!

Cheers, mate. That headcase needs locking up.

She's having your baby!

At least talk to her! Dickhead.

-It's obvious you and Joe have got problems.

-You're imagining things.

Like your Paula.

If you stick with Joe, things are just going to get worse.

I can...help change your lives.

-I can't listen to this.

-Please, at least hear me out.

We had a connection, a bond.

-That ended a long time ago!

-It might have done for you.

But I thought about us every day since you chose Joe over me.

-Davey!

-I loved you so much. I thought we'd always be together.

This is the fella who beats people up for a laugh.

This is the real me. You know it.

You're the only one that does.

I bought you this when we were together.

-Why did you have to wash it?

-I want to leave it exactly as I found it.

Anyway, you can't have a beauty like this all dirty.

Paul? Any luck?

Us, neither. This is hopeless.

We can't put it off anymore, we're going to have to tell me mum.

OK. We'll pick you up on the way round.

-Stop! There she is.

-Where?

Georgina, I'm sorry!

Please just get in.

Me toe.

# Another boy was out tonight... #

-Do you swear you've not been with this Paula?

-Do you really think I'd do something like that?

That lad seemed to think you had.

He was off his cake, too.

Maybe I'm the one who's mad.

For trusting you.

Why don't you believe me?

# Golden boy, you're breaking all the golden rules

# And I can't let that go. #

-Come on!

-Get me down!

Get him off! He's really scared of heights!

Help me! Help me!

Stop!

I'm going to be sick.

I'll be sick on you!

What's all this, then, about your bloody idea?

# One and one and one is three

# Her and you and you and me

# We're like the royal family... #

Wah!

Get me down! Get me down!

Somebody help, please! Agh!

Call the bizzies, he's kidnapped me!

Bloody hell!

You can't just turn up out of the blue and hit me with all this, you know?

Does Joe want you as much as this?

Has he ever wanted you this much?

I've wanted this for so long.

Karl? Olivia?

Me car!

Front car park.

Stop! Stop!

-What are you doing, why are you doing this to me?

-Magic?

Where?

Steps.

Stop!

Olivia!

Help!

-Look out for the wall.

-No!

Jesus!

Didn't see that coming.

Come on.

What you done?

I couldn't help it, could I? He come out of nowhere. You better sort things, you.

What's going on?

You were too weak to talk.

Me hand.

How can I mix now?

You're pathetic. You are a wimp.

God knows how many other girls you've had behind my back.

Go on, do one.

You're all nothing! I'm telling me mum.

Thought you were Georgina, then.

Maybe I was.

Look at the state of your car.

As long as you're all right, everything's OK.

Stay away from my family.

All of them.

It's too late, Joe.

I've made Sal an offer, something you've never given her.

-What's that, then?

-Commitment. What do you say, Sal?

We can all be in my place in Marbella by this time next week,

-away from him and his shitty life.

-Dad?

He's nothing but a loser.

You don't love him.

So what, you're loaded? You're still a no-mark.

Have some respect, eh?

-It's OK, it's OK, lad.

-Leave him.

Your nan hits harder than that.

You only want Sally because she's mine to get back at me.

I can't understand why you'd want to stay with him.

You only get one chance. You've got to live life to the full.

You soppy knobhead.

-You really think Sally would fall for all that?

-Shut your mouth.

What are you going to do? Kill me?

Like you killed that family, those kids, the mum and dad?

-I never killed anyone.

-I warned you what would happen.

I told you someone would get hurt, but big Davey Brooks always knew best, didn't he?

All these years I felt bad about not giving you an alibi.

I shut everyone out, especially Sally.

There were times I felt like I was the one in prison.

Aye, yeah. My mate was inside, I didn't deserve to be happy.

Well, now I know I did do the right thing.

Yeah, yeah, Sally does deserve better than me, but not you.

You're just as pathetic as I am, except you don't know it.

-Leave him, Davey!

-No, you leave him!

For good!

She already is. But the truth is I don't want her to go anywhere, ever.

I'd be lost without Sally.

I'd be lost if I never heard that annoying tune she hums when she does the dishes.

I, I'd be lost without the lippies and the bronzing balls everywhere.

The snoring that keeps me awake half the night.

The way she pulls her knickers out of her bum when she thinks no-one's looking.

I love the way she plucks her eyebrows and leaves them on the mirror.

The way she always manages to burn the frigging lasagne.

I don't think I could ever use a razor that didn't have her leg hairs all over it.

And most of all...

..I love the way her nose crinkles when she laughs.

If she gave me another chance...

..I'd make sure she laughed all the time.

You've just made the second biggest mistake of your life.

OK, boss? Boss?

That's why he's called One Dig.

Sorry.

Ask your dad if he'll marry me.

Tell your mum, too right.

Paula, about before with, with Worm,

I didn't mean, you know, for the steps and...

Kidnapping Worm was the stupidest thing you could've done.

I know, but I just wanted you to be happy, that's all.

Georgina did say it was the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.

She did?

Thanks.

She's gone off.

Oh, OK.

Come here, you divvy.

Ah, you're messing, aren't you?

# Take two Now it's calling out to you

# You know what you must do... #

Me and Paula are dead happy.

The baby's nearly two months old now. Called Georgina, she's lovely.

I'll bring her to see you.

See you later.

I'm going to be late.

You don't have to worry about me any more, Mum.

I've got a little family of me own now.

# Now you're waiting there for me

# For everyone to see

# So clear, the light of day

# Four, four So you've heard it all before... #

Bollocks!

# The return of rock and roll

# The return of rock and roll... #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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