A Running Jump

And imagine you're putting on a very tight pair of jeans,

squeeze yourself in, rotating your thighs and suck up your butt cheeks.

We want to end up with bums somewhere at the base of our spines,

not halfway down the back of our legs.

Imagine there's an orange in between your butt cheeks

and you're squeezing it. Squeeze it, squeeze it.

Come on, I want to smell that juice.

That's it, and zipping up the front, zipping up your core, zip it up,

we don't want to see any muffin tops, let's tuck in all those flabby bits

and zipping it up, up, up, ribs down, shoulders back and down,

necks long and shoot the energy out the top of your heads.

And preparing for your hundreds. Knees-up.

Chin to chest, shoulders up, arms down by your side, in for five

and out for five, pumping all the time.

And in, 2, 3, 4, 5.

And pump, 2, 3, 4, 5.

And in, 2, 3, 4, 5. And pump, 2, 3, 4, 5.

Tummies in, 2, 3, 4, 5. And pump, 2, 3, 4, 5.

Zip it up, 3, 4, 5.

And pump, 2, 3, 4, 5.

Shoulders up, 2, 3, 4, 5. And pump, 2, 3, 4, 5.

Strong arms, 2, 3, 4, 5, and pump, 2, 3, 4, 5.

Breathe, 2, 3, 4, 5, and pump, 2, 3, 4, 5.

Last one, 2, 3, 4, 5. And pump, 2, 3, 4, 5.

Hug your knees into your chests. Nice job, ladies.

-Cor, dear, it ain't half been windy, has it, eh?

-It has.

Rain. Look at this city.

Bloody mess. Bins knocked over and rubbish in the gutters.

Paper blowing here, blowing there, blowing everywhere.

Cold Blow Lane, that's where we used to play.

The day they moved us to Zampa Road, I cried.

-Did you?

-Yeah, I don't mind admitting it.

We all cried. Grown men wept.

Yeah, you can laugh. They've had gales north of the border.

Oh, talking of Scotland. Millwall's a Scottish team.

That's why we play in blue and white. You didn't know that.

But Millwall's not a Scottish team.

-It is, it is.

-But it's not.

It is. Years ago, these Scotsmen come down from Dundee to make jam

for the sailing ships. HMS Whatsisname.

-Are you going the quickest way?

-I am going the quickest way, madam.

But I can't help this traffic, can I?

Millwall Rovers, they started as a London team.

They've been up and down the divisions like a yo-yo.

16 managers in 27 seasons.

We fear no foe where e'er we go!

-Is the Punto ready?

-Yeah. Since last week.

-Give us the keys.

-If you give us the money.

I've got a geezer to buy it. He sorts me out,

-I'll give you the money.

-Suppose that goes pear-shaped?

-It won't. It's a cert.

-Nothing's a cert with you, Perry.

What are you talking about? It's a business fundamental.

Fluidity of finance, fluidity of stock.

The fundamental of business in this garage,

people bring their cars in, I repair them, they pay their money and drive away again.

-But they're punters. I'm a businessman!

-You're not. You're a tosser.

That's nice(!) That's customer service for you(!) I'll take my business elsewhere.

-And while you're at it, take your cars with you.

-I will do, if you give me the keys!

I'll give you the keys when you give me the cash. I'm tired of them cluttering my garage.

If they're not gone by next week, I'll take them to the breakers. Now do one.

You're a dinosaur, Derek!

Now what? What are you doing here? What are you driving me mad for?

Lend us £500. I've got a guy to buy the Punto, but Derek's playing up again.

-Look at you. You're like a kid. You've got to sort yourself out.

-It's only 500 quid!

-Oh, is that all(!) I'm not a bank. I'm running a business.

-I've got to get the motor.

I'm sick to death of bailing you out.

-Oh, go on!

-No. Off you go.

-Please.

-Can I get on now? Thank you.

-Deb, it's only five...

Anyone in?

TV PLAYS: FOOTBALL COMMENTARY

PHONE RINGS

Hello, Mick speaking.

Yes, we are. 1,500 quid.

It's a white Mercedes, estate,

1990 reg, automatic, 157,000 on the clock,

1,500 quid.

Well, it's a Merc, darling, it's got full service history. PHONE RINGS

It'll run forever, it's built like a tank...

Bitch.

Coosey-boy! Have you?

No, not this week. Listen, with the tickets,

take them to Jamie down the caff, he'll give you the money.

Tell him I'll see him right when I get to the grand. Sweet?

Down the caff, round the back.

No, I don't want any cool boy shirts. All right, laters.

-Yeah, I've got to work on my tan.

-Me too.

-It's all right for you. So, where's hot, then?

-Caribbean?

Oh, yeah, just jump on a bus...

Yeah, all right. What about the Mediterranean?

Yeah, there's Majorca.

-Ayia Napa.

-Ibiza.

-Oh, my God, yeah!

-PHONE RINGS

-You all right, Dad?

Jody, are you home?

-No, I'm out. Why?

-'Where are you?'

-What do you want?

I've a geezer coming round.

I'm going home in a bit anyway. I've got to go to work.

-PHONE RINGS

-Don't worry, I'll see you in a minute.

Hello, Doug speaking.

Yeah, hello, mate.

SHE BLOWS THE WHISTLE

Excuse me!

You're not allowed to bomb into the water.

It's dangerous, all right?

COUGHING

Hello.

We spoke yesterday on the phone. I'm Gary.

Yeah?

About the Fiat?

Oh, the Punto, yeah.

It's 2.30.

Are you Mick?

No, no, he'll be back in a minute. Come in.

Here, up here.

-Upstairs?

-Yep.

I've just been reading about Lester Piggott.

Oh, yeah?

He was very little, you know. Mind you, they all are, ain't they?

Who's that, then?

Anybody watching us over there?

-Sorry?

-Have a look.

Uh...

No.

Nosy sods. All right, sit down.

There's a woman round here makes a very nice cakes.

-Oh, that's nice.

-What do you think of that, then, eh?

50 inch.

-I could get you one of them.

-Really?

Yeah, get you anything you want. Here, trainers.

-Good quality...

-HE COUGHS

-Are you all right?

-Yes, thank you. Sit down.

Jeans, jigsaw puzzles, you name it, I can get it for you.

-You only have to say the word.

-Is he going to be long?

Who?

Oh. No!

No, no, he's just, he's out giving your car a wax.

Have you got a motor?

Yeah. Well, no. It died on me, unfortunately.

-What was it?

-Oh, it was only a Peugeot.

Well, yeah.

-Have you come far, then?

-Not that far. I live...

Got a job?

Yeah. I'm a care assistant.

What, uh, mentally handicapped?

-Old people's home.

-Walter Winterbottom.

What does that name mean to you?

He was the England manager before Sir Alf Ramsey in 1966.

World Cup.

He deployed the 4-2-1-2-1 system, the diamond formation.

But Alf preferred 4-3-3, the triangle,

or 4-4-2. Ah, but you see, he had the great Bobby Moore to...

Here!

How many goals did Bobby Moore score for England?

Two.

Tell you what, come 2012,

you won't prise me out of my chair when the Olympics are on.

I'll sit there with me lagers and me Chinese takeaway

and I'll watch it all day, every day. I'll be glued to the box.

My cab can go in retirement for a couple of weeks and I don't care.

Here you go! 2012.

Or what's going to be left of it.

What?

Well, you might as well enjoy it while you can.

What do you mean?

-Well, you know.

-What?

End of days.

Nothing wrong with me, I'm fit as a fiddle.

No, no, no. No, I didn't...

2012.

Great Cycle.

What, the milk race, you mean?

No. The Mayan calendar?

Nah, don't know what you're talking about.

Right. This is interesting, right?

The Mayans invented a calendar, right?

Now, this is thousands of years ago in "Mejico".

Sorry, Mexico.

They believed in cycles, right? Now, each cycle lasts 5,125 years

and at the end of each cycle

is a major change. I mean, a massive geological shift.

Now, we...

we are in the final stages of the fifth cycle

and they predicted, the Mayans, that at the end of the fifth cycle,

the Earth and the Sun would come into direct alignment...

..with the Great Rift.

The Great Rift is the dead centre of the Milky Way.

Now this is scientifically proven, this will happen,

and this cataclysmic event will take place on the 21st December 2012,

just before Christmas.

It's mind-blowing.

Who knows what'll happen?

Millwall's a Scottish team.

There's something you didn't know, eh?

You see, years ago, these lads come down from Dundee

to make jam for the sailing ships,

SS Whatshername.

A lot of people thought Alf Ramsay was of Roman extraction,

but he always denied it. Funny, that.

Is he going to be much longer?

No, no, no. He won't be long. Only be a minute.

Hi, Dad! Are you here?

Is that you, Hayley?

No, it's me. Has the geezer been here?

Yeah.

All right? Where's Dad?

He's on his way.

He phoned me. Give us a lift to work!

-No!

-Go on, I'm running late.

-All right, then. Hurry up.

-Oh, thanks!

I'll put the meter on.

Nijinsky.

Where do you think he was born?

What?

He's the only racehorse I know come from Canada.

Do you like the flat or the jumps?

Here! Who won the Derby in 1953?

I don't know.

Pinza.

Yeah, I like the flat and all, but the greatest jumper of all

was Red Rum. Three times he won the National, three times!

They buried him at the finishing post.

Big lump in the ground. Horse-shaped.

-Have you seen me necklace?

-No.

I'm not usually such a mess!

-Hello, babe.

-All right, Dad.

Sorry to keep you waiting. Terrible traffic. I'm Doug.

Hello, Dad, you here again? Let's do some business.

Want a cup of tea? Coffee? It's Roger, innit?

-Step this way, I'll sort you out.

-It's Gary, actually.

Let me get my keys. You'll love this. Get me paperwork.

Hold onto your money, it's all outside. Follow me.

Now, do yourself a favour, Roger. If you're going to buy a car,

it's a lot of money, so you want to make an educated choice.

Choose wrong, you're in trouble. Choose right, you're in clover,

and I'm your man. Now, you've got three cars here.

You got your town car, lovely metropolitan blue,

-goes great over speed bumps.

-No, no...

You got your country car. Seat in the back for the dogs, roof rack.

-And for the beach, your four by two.

-Four by four!

-Yeah, all right, Dad.

So that's your choice. That's the car for you,

it's got your name on it, it's a lovely car.

-Ladies love it. You'll have Dorises hanging at the window.

-Listen...

Do yourself a favour, sit in here

and experience state-of-the-art Japanese technology. Live a little.

Get in. It's like Tokyo on a Saturday night.

-You can almost smell the geisha girls.

-No, listen...

-Dad, what are you doing?

-What?

I'm trying to earn a living. Give us five minutes. Why don't you go home?

This car, if I had a showroom with all the overheads,

that'd be three grand. I'd do it for 1,200

but I can do it for you for 1,100 and I'll tell you why, Rog.

-Gary.

-What?

It's Gary.

Yeah, whatever...Gary. Now, I'm going to be honest with you, Gaz.

-I sold the Punto.

-I don't believe...

You know I told you to come today as I had a geezer coming tomorrow?

He came yesterday with his daughter

and she was wetting her knickers over the motor. She loved it,

but he didn't have the dosh. Tragic. This morning, first thing,

I'm eating my bacon sandwich and they knock at the door.

In five minutes, she standing there, weren't she, on my mother's life.

She's crying her eyes out, she wants the car

and the old man's pleading with me,

"Please, she hasn't slept all night, do me a deal."

I said, "I can't. I've a reliable customer called Gary coming

-"and he'll give me 750 quid for it."

-Yeah, which I've got in my bag!

Now, I may be a businessman, Gary, but I've a heart of gold, haven't I?

-Heart of gold, yeah.

-My old man is always telling me,

"Remember, you're running a business."

I always told him.

But I said no, didn't I, Dad? I'm a father first.

I've got daughters, I know how he feels.

-Yeah, but...

-So I'm sorry, but I sold your Punto.

But if I look in your eyes, I can tell you'd have done the same

because you and me, we're two of a kind, ain't we? We're peas in a pod.

Am I right?

-Not really.

-There you go. Now,

this Merc has got full service history, it's built like a tank

and it'll run forever. I can do it for you for 1,500 quid.

I can't afford that!

-How much you got?

-750.

Let me tell you something about life. You get what you pay for.

-If you stretch it a bit further....

-I can't stretch any further!

-I've got the perfect car for you.

-Oh, this is nice.

-That's not his.

Dad, make us a cup of tea, will you? Do us a favour.

Yeah, this is a lovely car. I sold it yesterday. Two lesbians,

they're picking it up Thursday. Now, this is a family car.

-Are you a family man?

-No.

But you're generous, aren't you? You give everyone a lift.

People are always in and out of your car, am I right?

See? I know. This car, I'd do it for 1,200 quid,

-I can do it for you for a grand.

-See, the Fiat was only 750.

Fair point. I've got the perfect car for you.

It's within your price range and only five minutes away.

You got five minutes? Good. Your quest for perfection is over.

You'll remember this day for the rest of your life,

and you'll be coming back to me for years. They always do.

Go on, hop in, we'll be there in a jiffy.

-I don't do this for everyone.

-Where's he going to go?

In you get.

HE COUGHS

ENGINE SPUTTERS

Grandad, come on! Hurry up! I'm late!

Come on.

-All right, he keep your hair on.

-We haven't got all day.

ENGINE CONTINUES SPUTTERING

Oi!

I've just got to get the keys and paperwork. Won't be a minute!

-No, I don't want any...

-Look, it's my daughter Hayley. Ain't she gorgeous?

Hayley, do me a favour, keep him sweet for a minute.

Do you want a cup of tea?

No!

Hiya.

Hello.

You buying a car from my dad, then?

Yeah. Well...

He's taking you on his magical mystery tour?

-What do you mean?

-Oh, nothing.

-I've just seen your double.

-Have you been drinking?

I've got it, Gal. Come on, hop in.

Ain't got all day. Time's money.

See you, treacle.

When are you going to pass your driving test, then?

It's not my fault they keep failing me, is it?

-How many times have you taken it now?

-It don't matter, does it?

-Four, innit?

-Only three, actually.

Hayley got hers first time, didn't she?

Hayley this, Hayley that! I'm not my sister!

HE COUGHS

Oh, don't go dying on me! I'm running late!

Thanks. See you later!

There you go, Gary. Japanese Car Of The Year 1998,

in pristine condition and within your price range. What do you think?

It's cheaper than the Fiat, that's one thing.

Let me tell you about that, it's deceptive.

It is cheaper, but on the other hand, it isn't cheaper.

-What's that supposed to mean?

-Well, supply and demand.

See, when we put a car like this on a lay-by or in a safari park

or outside the zoo or primary school, we start a bidding war.

ONO - "Or nearest offer" means below or above the starting price.

Another bloke offers 500 quid and that's top whack, he gets the car,

but, come here, if another bloke offers 800, that's where it goes,

and funnily enough, I've got this geezer coming at 4.30

all the way from Barrow-in-Furness with his fiancee

and he wants to give me 800.

-Wait, no, listen.

-Don't worry, I'll see you right.

You can have it for 750 because I let you down with the Punto.

-Honestly...

-Know what? I am going to shut up and let the car do the talking.

-No, no.

-Why not shimmy into the cockpit and take a test flight? Go on, get in.

Look at that technology. You could drive this with chopsticks,

it's like Hiroshima on a Saturday night. Away you go.

-How'd you like it?

-Steering's a bit stiff.

No, the steering isn't stiff, Gary, all due respect. You're a bit stiff.

-What do you mean, I'm a bit stiff?

-You and the car, it's like a marriage. This is your first date.

It's only got 20,000 miles on the clock.

You'd think it was going backwards.

This car's had one previous owner. An old girl, bless her.

Her husband's had a colostomy bag

and she's been driving to the hospital to get it changed.

He's only gone and died on her. Emphysema, God rest his soul.

She's so cut up, she can't even drive any more.

She asked me to sell it. You gotta do your best, ain't you?

You got to help. She could be your mother or my mother.

-You love your old mum, don't you?

-Yeah, course.

-She'd love this car, she'd want to drive it herself.

-She's lost her licence.

Bastards.

Well, they gave her a bus pass, anyway.

No, it's automatic, Gary!

I'm not used to it, I've never driven an automatic.

You don't drive an automatic, mate,

you let the car drive you and you never go back to a manual.

-You got a girlfriend?

-Not really.

You soon will have in a car like this.

Those geezers in flash cars, birds don't trust them.

They think they've got something to hide. They see this,

they'll think, there's a man who's straight down the line.

How's it feel?

Looks good. Suits you.

See, this is a thinking man's car.

-What d'you reckon?

-I don't know...

Make your mind up, I can't hang about.

He wants to drive it to Budapest soon,

he's got to meet her mum and dad, they're acrobats.

-I don't think it's worth 750.

-What d'ya reckon it's worth?

-Seven?

-How much?!

-All right, 720.

-He's gonna give me 800!

-740 then.

-745, deal?

-Do you have a fiver?

-Nah, I don't carry cash.

You give me your name and address, I'll send in the post.

That's 10.

That's 20.

That's 30.

That's a £20 note, so that's 50.

-Hayley?!

-I'm in here.

Do us a favour, babe, give us a lift down the garage.

-When?

-Now. You got five minutes?

-I've just made tea!

-I've got to pick up a motor!

-Dad!

-Help me out, I've had a nightmare.

-Your whole life's a nightmare.

-Oh, go on.

I've been up since 5:30am.

Sorry. On the way back, I'll get you a Chinese.

I've got a chicken and avocado salad.

-All right, we'll pick up a video.

-I don't want a video.

I'll get you a new pair of trainers. Designer.

-I tell you what, I'll run you a nice hot bath.

-What? You've never run me a bath!

-All right, I'll give you 20 quid.

-Don't be daft.

-Come on, help your old man out.

I'm not hanging about though.

I swear, the car is ready and waiting.

-My keys are upstairs.

-Love you!

-Yeah(!)

Hi, darling.

-All right, Mum?

-Where you off to?

-She's giving me a lift.

-I can see that. Where you going?

-Down the garage.

-Oh, you got the money then?

-Yeah, no thanks to you.

-What, you sold a motor?

-Course.

-Oh, good.

-Come on, Hayley, let's go.

-What you driving us all mad for? She's got her own life to lead.

-It's all right, Mum.

-You're driving yourself mad.

-No, you're driving me mad.

I love you too.

Nutcase!

-All right, darling, see you.

-Yep. See you later.

Oi! Smiler!

Here y'are.

Just a little bit down.

-There?

-Ahh! That's it, go on.

Ahh-ah-ahhhh!

All right, girls?

THEY ROAR WITH LAUGHTER

What's that on your head?!

My new hat!

Where'd you get it from?

A shop. Do you like it?

-Makes you look like a lobster.

-I thought I'd treat myself.

Oh, that's nice, he thought he'd treat himself.

Yeah. I played a blinder. I could have sold the Titanic for scrap.

Oh, he really deserves a little treat, doesn't he?

We don't, but he does. How much was it?

-Mind your own business.

-It is my business.

What d'you need a hat for? You've never worn one in your life.

-So?

-You're ridiculous.

-I like it, it suits him.

-It's a waste of money.

-Hayley, make us a cup of tea, babe.

Go make your own cup of tea.

-Stick a broom up my arse, I'll sweep the floor!

-You know your problem?

You got no sense of adventure.

When you gonna start paying me back my money?

Hold on, darling, just got to make a call.

Perry!

CHEERING

-All right, all right, you're doing all right.

-You're a crap shot!

Come on, higher.

Yes!

You idiot!

Jody?

Yeah?

Which shoes do you think I should wear?

The studs, they're nice.

Don't you think the black ones go better with this outfit?

No, wear the studs, they look better on your feet.

No, I'm gonna wear these ones.

If you're wearing those, I'm wearing these.

-You won't be taller than me.

-Come on, babe, I got to do one.

Hang on, I just got out the bath.

-Hurry up, I can't hold it much longer.

-Well, clench your buttocks.

-Is that what you're wearing?

-Yeah.

You look like Jane of the jungle in that.

-SHE MIMICS JUNGLE CRIES

-Deb, I'm touching cloth.

Go on then, enjoy yourself.

Oh, don't! You'll make me laugh.

Ooh, you look nice, darling.

Thanks! You nearly ready?

Give us a sec!

State of it.

HUBBUB OF CONVERSATION

Was the team mad, then?

I wasn't happy!

That's pretty bad.

No, but...

So what, you got two own goals and you sacked it?

And you're the best player?!

I don't think so.

You're forgetting I scored three goals in front of my own team.

-But you scored two goals for the other team!

-This guy has a shot, right,

and I save it, and it hits your shins

and goes in the net, that's not your fault.

Why didn't you get out the way?

Exactly!

I didn't have time to. It's not like it rifled back out.

It was going slowly, like, whoa...

THEY ALL LAUGH

Will you wake me up if I fall asleep?

I can't wake you up if I'm asleep, can I?

Take that thing off your head.

I'll take it off when you turn out the light.

I'm not turning off the light till I take my rollers out.

-Take 'em out then.

-Can't, my nails are wet.

It's got 30,000 miles on the clock.

Hmm?

I'll let you have it for nothing. Goal!

Straight in the back of the net.

HE SNORES GENTLY

And inhale...

deep into your cat.

Give me a meow...

from your throat.

From your blue chakra.

And reverse...

..into your cow.

And give me a moooooo from your perineum.

From your red chakra.

Miaow!

OTHER WOMEN JOIN IN

Mooooo...

OTHER WOMEN JOIN IN

HE HUMS

HE WHISTLES JAUNTILY

MECHANICAL CRUNCHING

CRASHING

Subtitles by Red Bee Media