Abbott and Costello Meet Captain Kidd

# For many moons we sailed beneath

# The Big and Little Dipper

# And if we're loaded to the teeth

# We owe it to the skipper

# We owe it to the skipper

# We owe it to the skipper

# Who scuttled ships from India to Madrid?

# Happy to have you meet

# Captain Kidd

# He who has taught us, taught us loud and clear

# Love to have you near

# Captain Kidd

# His sword is one effective trick

# Can decimate an army

# And then we'll feed 'em to the fish

# Sink or swim, sink or swim

# He stands you proud and he's pyramid

# Happy to have you meet

# Captain Kidd

# He weighs us down with bags of gold, he mops up all the silver

# But now his luck prefers to hold

# In what would be a one-man race

# Holding a girl is something he won't forbid

# No, sir, he never did

# Not if we first let her meet

# Captain Kidd. #

Land ahoy! Tortuga!

Women!

Women.

Women.

Women!

Pwrrrrr!

Women.

Women?

WHOOPING

Agghhh!

Agghh!

SCREAMING

If we don't get a little life around here soon, I'm going to have to close up the place.

HE HICCUPS

What were you doing in that barrel? Were you trying to get killed?

I can get killed around here without even trying.

SHE SCREAMS

If we're going to work our way back to America

stop being a hero to girls you meet.

Kind sirs?

What happened to your voice?

­ Oh, kind sirs?

You're talking high. I don't understand.

Please, take this.

"My darling, darling, I love you madly."

-That's my first love letter from a girl.

-It's not for you.

Please deliver it to Bruce Martingale, a singer at the tavern.

-We work at the tavern. Bruce is a friend of ours.

-We'll deliver it.

-Hey, we better get back.

-Come on.

# My dad was quick to give me

# Some fatherly advice

# Don't throw your life away away

# Or your hard-earned pay away

# Son, I warn you, stay away

# From the shoes and rice

# Girls are fun, why pick one?

# One to be your wife

# Great to be wild and free

# Me for a bachelor's life

# A bachelor's life

# A bachelor's life

# Oh, how I love a bachelor's life

# But marriage, of course,

# I greatly endorse

# If I can live a bachelor's life

The world is full of women.

Who marry, marry men.

Some girl will make you pie-eyed, sir.

You'll never know a dry eye, sir.

BOTH: If she answers aye-aye, sir.

# Life is over then

# Girls are fun, why pick one?

# One to be your wife

# Great to be wild and free

# Me for a bachelor's life

# A bachelor's life

# A bachelor's life

# Oh, how I love a bachelor's life

BRUCE: # That son of a gun

# Like father like son

# I want to live a bachelor's life

# If a fish can not be caught

# Then you made your line for naught

# And his flies are not to let any lad do what he hadn't got

# If we're doomed to love in vain, Then the course is very plain

# You'll have to let us cover ground

# Out on the bounding main

# A bachelor's life

# A bachelor's life

# I've known a lot of girls in my life

# In fact, there are three

# They're looking for me

# They're gunning for

# Gunning for, gunning for,

# A bachelor's life. #

APPLAUSE

Wait a minute. The front door is for gentlemen. The back door is for swine.

I'm no pig.

What about the rarebit for Captain Kidd? Where are my helpers?

Ah, they're no help.

-Get to work.

-He's as ugly as the guy who owns this place.

-That is the owner.

Serve Captain Kidd's rarebit as soon as it's ready.

-What a filthy-looking pan.

-I heard that.

-Oww!

-Take it easy. Take it easy.

It's an honour and a pleasure to wait on Captain Kidd.

Let's have no misunderstanding. I'm waiting on Captain Kidd.

-Oh, no.

-Oh, yes.

Why do you always take that kind of job? I'm a good waiter.

Do as I tell you. I'm waiting on Captain Kidd.

Oh!

-What happened to you?

-Captain Kidd didn't like the way I placed his knife.

Ohh!

-What happened to you?

-Captain Kidd threw a knife because I spilt a few drops of water.

Hey, what was real blood.

-Mmm.

-Did you wait on Captain Kidd too?

No black eyes? No bruises?

-No broken legs?

-No teeth.

-No, you don't.

-Eeee!

I don't know why I let you get away with it. Go ahead, wait on Captain Kidd.

I ordered you a rarebit, Captain Kidd.

How dare you disturb me when I'm alone with a woman!

-You are a woman, aren't you, my dear?

-Not to you.

You don't appeal to me.

That's the curse of being known as a rogue.

Nobody takes heed of the sweet side of my nature.

Why did you go south when we agreed it was my territory?

-I apologise. The matter is closed.

-Where is the gold and jewels from those galleons?

-They belong to me.

-You're welcome to them, my dear. Most welcome.

-Where are they?

-On Skull Island.

Ha, ha, ha!

Your island.

I'm going to sail to Skull Island on your ship.

-A delightful thought.

-But my ship will follow, ready to attack if I don't return.

A horrible thought. Would you like to see my secret map which shows where the treasure is?

I've already seen it.

Somebody should report to the authorities that there are pirates around here.

-Where's your apron?

-I beg your pardon?

-Where's your apron?

-Hold that.

Agh!

Wash your hands before you serve that to Captain Kidd.

Now, when you serve Captain Kidd,

don't drop silverware, don't spill water and be polite

and you may not get hurt.

Why don't you help me to serve?

If I help you to serve and something happens to me, who'll visit you in hospital?

I'm sorry. I'm always thinking of myself.

You serve and I can always visit you in hospital.

-You're good to me.

-Oh, that's all right.

It's all right. Don't worry about a thing.

There we are, my boy.

-Go right ahead.

-OK.

Be very careful.

Hey, Rocky. Give me a hand with the door.

See? You're thinking of yourself again.

-You see I've got my hands full.

-Sorry.

-Go ahead. Go ahead!

-Go ahead!

How long are they going to keep us waiting?

Waiter!

Where's the food?

Coming, sir. Captain Kidd, here's the food.

The food is delicious here.

-Here. Pour the wine.

-Aye aye, Captain.

What are you doing?

And hurry up.

Bring that cylinder back here.

-I hate fat men.

-You're fat.

I hate myself too.

-Is it good, sir?

-Just like Mother used to make.

It stinks!

Come back here.

-You eat some.

-I'm not hungry.

Eat it or I'll slit your throat.

-Go ahead!

-I'm not hungry.

Go on!

Maybe this will wash the taste away.

Stop swigging, swine.

Stop blowing bubbles.

What's wrong?

More wine.

Hold it.

Oww!

Go get the wine.

-How did Captain Kidd enjoy his rarebit?

-Oh, he's bubbling over.

Now he wants some wine.

Oh!

Are you stupid? A nincompoop?

Moronic? Idiotic?

Imbecilic?

What are you laughing at?

You went right on by me and didn't even know it.

Hey, Bruce! Look!

Waiter, give me another one.

I beg your pardon?

I said give me another one.

Is that all right with you, sir?

Give her all she wants.

How about me?

Why you!

I've seen some ugly faces but yours takes the cake.

Do you see that?

Hey, Rocky? What are you crying for?

Don't cry, pal. Captain Kidd didn't hurt me.

-No scars? No bruises?

-No.

-No.

-Is that a broken rib?

Oh, no. That's the girl's letter.

-The girl's letter?

-Why didn't you deliver it?

-I tried to give it to Bruce?

I'll make a copy. If I see him first, I'll give it to him.

Skull Island?

This is a treasure map.

T...t...t..

Treasure map. Let me see that.

That cheating Captain Kidd took out the letter and put in a dirty map.

Don't. This map is worth a fortune.

All we do is go to Skull Island and find the treasure.

-Who will find where they buried us?

-You've got something there.

First we'll hide the map.

-Hide the map first. Hide me second.

-Wait.

We disguise you as an important man.

Captain Kidd will take us to Skull Island.

And suppose he won't do that?

It's up to you to talk him into it.

And then you can do me a favour.

What?

Talk me out of talking him into it.

Now a toast to our partnership, Captain Bonney.

Give me the map. I want to refresh my memory.

-"I love you madly..."

-WHAT?

"But I'm being torn away from those strong, affectionate arms..."

You stole the map again and replaced it with this mush.

When could I have done it?

That fat little waiter.

I will kill him slowly and unpleasantly. Unpleasantly for him, that is.

Waiter!

Captain Kidd, allow me to present Captain Puddin' Fathergill. A stout fellow.

Ah, my dear Fathergill.

Captain Kidd.

Captain Kidd, how do you do?

You are adorable, my darling.

-Captain Fathergill, I salute you.

-I salute you, too, Captain Kidd.

-Allow me.

-Thank you.

-I'll use this for small battles.

-Nobody will notice.

Captain Kidd, we have business with you.

Gentlemen, pray be seated.

Thank you. Thank you very much

So many campaigns. Where did you get this medal?

I got it for jumping off Westminster Bridge.

-And this medal?

-That one I got for jumping back.

-Most diverting.

-Really, yes.

Care for a sniff?

-I don't mind if I do. I'll take it with you.

-Very good.

You look different.

You do, too.

Where's that map?

Where's my letter?

I'll make a fair exchange, the map for the letter.

Captain Bonney, give him the letter.

The more I look at you, the less I understand this.

-Now give me the map.

-I hid it.

-You hid it?

I know what you would do with us guys if I gave you the map.

Why doesn't anyone trust me?

We'll make a deal. Take us to Skull Island and we'll split the treasure.

It's my treasure.

-It's my island.

-But we have the map.

You win, gentlemen. You sail on my ship tonight.

Morgan!

I wouldn't want anything to happen to you before we go.

Morgan, escort these gentlemen aboard.

I will see you aboard ship. Gentlemen, after you.

"Good night, sweet prince. Parting is such sweet sorrow."

Excuse me, Captain Kidd.

Captain Bonney, goodbye, my doll.

She's wonderful. Goodbye, Captain Kidd.

# We sail tonight

# Set sail tonight

# Tonight we sail

# Oh, what joy there'll be

# Shoving out to sea

# We were in great danger before

# Until we were safely on shore

# All hail tonight

# We sail tonight

# Tonight we sail

# Glad to leave the den of these highway men

# To land on these innocent sands

# Is taking your life in your hands

# A bloodthirsty lot is what we're known to be

# But you'll excuse us if we seem to scoff

# Ho, ho

# We're not really not, adept at piracy

# These vultures have picked up where we left off

# Oh, we're off to lift mast tonight

# At last tonight

# Tonight we sail

# And I'll give the turn

# If we don't return

Hey, Bruce!

# It's what we leave, too, all due respect

# Till we plunder and steal

# Tonight we sail

The men sound happy.

The carefree life of a sea rover is exaggerated in poetry and song.

If I had a son, I'd raise him to be a pickpocket or a highwayman to keep him on land.

Any son of yours would rise to great heights,

aided by the hangman's noose.

# Pirates on the sea, pirates on the shore

# People aren't safe anywhere any more

# When they slit your throat, no-one friendlier

# They politely say, "Here's your head, thank you, sir."

# Hurry, come along, we ship tonight

# We ship tonight

# Tonight we sail

# In the pleasant way, sailing ships we say

# But we were in port, too

# We can't afford to

# We'll lose our shirts if we can't get on board tonight

# Tonight we sail

# Tonight we sail. #

All on board. >

Make ready to sail!

# Tonight we sail

# Aaaaa-ail. #

All right, you scuts. Leave those wenches and get about your work.

-Am I glad to see you.

-Have you got the map?

-Yes, sir,

-Am I glad to see you.

-Aye aye, sir.

Morgan.

-Bring the other one aboard.

-Aye, Captain.

Men, make my guests comfortable.

-Take the map away from them.

-Aye aye, sir.

I told you this guy wouldn't give us a fair shake.

I don't want love letters from you.

-I want that map.

-It disappeared. We better disappear too. Say goodbye.

Goodbye, Captain Kidd.

-Put them in irons.

-You can't do this to us.

The things I have to do to go down in history.

BELL RINGS

Make ready to sail.

Three of our crew is missing, Captain.

Take a press gang and shanghai replacements.

You. You too.

MORGAN: I'm looking for two men.

One is fat... The other has a moustache.

I've got to find them. You will. Look that way.

Bring him aboard.

-Here they are, Captain.

-Who has the map?

Captain, you may do with me as you wish,

but I will not tell you he has the map.

What do you think he is, a snitch?

Take him out and treat him as my guest.

Aye aye, Captain.

Do you have the map?

Hand it over.

KNUCKLES CRACK

Do you want to be a good pirate?

I do want to be a good, brave pirate.

Where is the bow of the boat?

-The front.

-Where's the stern?

-That's in the back.

-Where is port?

-In the wine closet.

See if the barometer has fallen.

It's still hanging on the wall.

Listen to this.

-Morgan, set the sail on the mizzenmast and haul in the half canopy.

-Aye aye, sir.

-Repeat that order.

-Aye aye, sir.

Morgan, you heard what the captain said.

Straighten out that mast and open up a can of peas.

You're sure you have the map?

Oh, yes, sir, Captain Kidd.

-Won't you sit down?

-Thank you.

Clumsy.

I told you he wouldn't give you a fair shake.

You should have marked the map.

-I put an X on it.

-Why didn't he get the letter?

-I put an X on the other cylinder.

I think I got my Xs crossed.

How's the great lover?

Who does she mean? Me?

Not if she's in the right mind.

Only a Romeo could inspire such a letter.

Could I make you forget this other woman?

Why don't you free him and find out?

Sometimes my men become foolish and tire of me before I tire of them.

-Then what happens?

-I make a lovely widow.

-Thank you. See you later.

-Why don't you free us and let's talk this thing over?

-Are you afraid of the captain?

-Who's afraid?

We give you the map, you set us free and Kidd is in your power.

There you are.

Hurry up.

These things hurt.

Thank you.

-CLUNK

-Ow! My foot.

-The map.

-The map. OK.

Here's the map.

Bruce! What are you doing here?

I was shanghaied last night.

Thank you, my dear. A disadvantage to being a pirate is the lack of associates you can trust.

You'll regret this.

Why didn't you say it was a love letter?

I'll stuff this down his throat and make him eat every word of it.

If I weren't a pirate, I'd cry.

Why did you give me this map?

The map. The map!

Bruce, he was supposed to deliver to you a love note from Lady Jane.

You gave the love note to Captain Bonney.

-Go and get it.

-Wait, you know she kills her husbands.

What will she do to a stranger?

-Go and get it.

-If a shark swims by, picking his teeth, you'll know what happened to me.

Go and get it.

If I catch this sneaking, snivelling cur I'll boil him in oil.

Excuse me, excuse me.

I'm looking for something.

-Captain Kidd!

-How did you get out of this?

-The... the... the...

-Shut up!

How did you get out of this?

I just slipped my hands out.

-They put them on in front of me.

-What fool put it on in front of you?

-It should be on your back.

-I don't know.

He should have put it on the back of you! I'll show you.

Look. It's very simple.

Like that.

-Not lock it.

-I beg your pardon?

I said lock it.

I think he's mad. I'll lock it.

OK, how's that one?

-That's it.

-How's that now?

-That's right.

-I can't move now.

-Now you can't get them out, huh?

Now you can't do a thing, you see?

Hey, you're really tied in there.

Now get the key and undo the lock.

Get the key. It's between my belt and my stomach and unlock them.

You mean you got to get the key to unlock them?

Get the key and unlock them, will you?

I was finding out how to do them. Can't you get the key?

-I can't get the key.

-Stick your hand in there and get the key.

I can't get the key. My hands are locked.

You can't get the key.

Well, this I'll take with me.

-And you can't get the key, huh?

-No.

You're locked into those shackles.

-I've told you about six times...

-Who are you yelling at!

I'll slug you on the head. Trying to act tough.

Treasure is what you're after. You thought I was the stupid one.

-Uhh, you!

-Doh, doh, doh, doh.

Morgan!

Bruce, here's the letter.

-Give me this here.

-What are you so happy about?

-You know Captain Kidd? I got him shackled.

-Oh, stop.

How did you get in this predicament?

None of your business. Unlock them.

-Get about your duties.

-Aye.

I'll take care of him.

-Come on.

-I want to see this.

He's so tied up, he'll never get free.

Come on, Rocky.

-I got him. I got him.

-Wait a minute.

Go on, take a poke at him. Go on.

-He's not too bad. Take a poke at him.

-Are you sure he's shackled?

Go on, Rocky. He's got it coming.

Go on! I got him shackled.

-What are you scared about, Rocky?

-No!

Come on, Rocky. Up a....

Erm...

Rocky? Rocky?

HE LAUGHS

Hey! Did you see Rocky run?

Yeah. You put him in clamps and...

HE WHIMPERS

Ship, ho! Aft the port stern.

Morgan!

A dispatch ship. A prize worth taking.

-And this one is all mine.

-Stingy.

All hands on deck. Man the guns.

All hands on deck! Man your guns!

All hands on deck.

She's levelling her guns. She wants a fight.

Good. I was afraid she'd surrender without a fight like you did to that man.

-Fire!

-Fire!

Fire.

Fire!

What about these two?

If they want to live, they'll have to fight.

Aye aye. You heard what the captain said.

Let's hide.

Fire!

Reload.

Coward! Where's Puddin'?

He's hiding around here some place.

CANNONBALL WHISTLES DOWN

There he is.

If you help him win, he may spare your lives.

-She's got something there.

-We couldn't be any worse off.

Wait. Take this into battle with you.

Woo-hoo!

Hurry up. Come on.

That's it. Powder it down.

OK, light it away!

Light it!

OK.

Watch out now.

Hey, there's something wrong. Maybe the powder's wet.

-Powder's wet?

-It must be. What are you doing?

-I want to see the powder.

-How is it? Let me see.

-It looks awful dry to me.

-No wonder. Look yourself. Put another ball in.

Eeeeh!

Wait a minute! What did you do that for?

The cannon was on fire.

Reload!

< Reload.

Atchoo!

HE MUMBLES

Fire!

Prepare to board her!

Prepare to board her!

-Ooh! Ooh!

-Take it easy. What are you doing?

Put that away.

Have some of this to calm your nerves.

Hey!

CLANG

CLANG

I hope the papers get it right. They haven't been kind.

Put them below!

Bruce!

Stand by the cowardly Englishmen.

Cast off the prize ship before she blows up.

Cast off!

All hands below the sail!

Hard to starboard!

She appeals to me.

Do you think I should appeal to her?

If I'm any judge of womanhood, she'll slap your face.

You underestimate my charms. A wager, Captain Bonney.

Ahem. Captain Kidd welcomes you as his personal captive.

Aow!

Still want to wager, Captain?

-Lady Jane!

-Lady Jane!

-Lady Jane!

-Do you know her?

-She wrote the letter.

With hundreds of ships on the seas, you go and pick that one and bring her to him.

-Escort her to my quarters.

-Aye aye, captain.

Wait a minute! Captain Kidd! Captain Kidd!

If I give you the map, would you let Lady Jane, Rocky and me

to use a boat to go to England or America? You can come.

Not until I get my treasure.

Produce the map and I'll grant your request.

If you get the map, is it a deal? It is.

-Right, I'll give you the map. Here's the map.

-There's the boat.

LAUGHTER

Lady Jane. I've brought you something to eat.

-I'm not hungry.

-Oh, you must eat.

Don't starve yourself. It's unhealthy.

-Why is Bruce here?

-He was shanghaied.

-Why doesn't he talk to me?

-He don't dare.

If Captain Kidd saw him talk to you, he'd...

-Please eat, Lady Jane.

-I'm not hungry. Just put it someplace.

# Speak to me of the tall pine

# Where the wild flowers dwell

# Speak to me of the tall pine

# And I'll answer you well

# On my beloved countryside

# There I met my love

# My love was fair

# Fair as leaves on the bended bow

# There are skies up above

# As we walked along shaded lanes

# Wasn't he mine?

# He said he would, with his two hands

# Build a house made of pine

# Speak to me

# Of the tall pine

# And the memories start

# Speak to me of the tall pine

# And I'll speak with my heart

# A house to grace the countryside

# Proud of where it stands

# Beyond the door will be chairs and a table, too

HE MOUTHS # That I'll make with my hands

# One thing you'll make I'll cherish most

# Make your love mine

# And in the cradle baby sleeps

# Cradle made out of pine

# Speak to me of the tall pine

# Where the wild flowers dwell

# Speak to me of the tall pine

# And I'll answer you well. #

You know, when I first met you,

I wanted to kill you.

But now I want to kiss you.

PLOP

Oliver, where are you going?

Captain Bonney's quarters.

Captain Kidd's on deck. Let's go into his quarters to get the map.

I'd rather go in her quarters.

-We're going to his quarters.

-He don't appeal to me.

-Come on.

The map's around here somewhere. Look around.

Don't make any noise.

How can you get so wet in a dry room?

-A rough sea, I think.

-What do mean a rough sea?

Where were you?

I had to open the window.

Are you kidding?

Over here?

That's no rough sea out there. What's the matter with you?

Look for the map! Come on! Stop this nonsense!

Pwoo! Pwoo!

Pwoo!

Pwoo! Pwoo! Pwoo!

What are you pwooing about? Did you find it?

Why don't you dry yourself off? What are you doing?

I opened the window and aaaaah!

Stop it. Come here. Come here.

LOU MUMBLES ANGRILY

Is that what you mean out there? What's wrong out there? Come here!

Come here! What's wrong with that water?

Get up and take a look. Anything wrong?

Stop it. Now, look for the map.

Come on. It's around here some place. Maybe it's in a panel.

Aaaah!

Come on. Never mind your shouting.

-Oooh!

-Quiet!

Maybe some kind of a panel. That's it.

HE CAN'T GET THE WORDS OUT

Rocky... Rocky!

-Huh?

-I've got the map, map, map!

-What's that?

-The map.

-It's the map. That's it.

We'll work fast before anyone comes.

Study the map carefully. You have to eat it.

Eat it, but keep it in here. Remember everything you eat.

Remember everything I eat? I've got a photocell mind.

Atta boy. Now, you're doing it.

-Have you got a little salt?

-Eat it before anyone comes.

-After I eat it, can I put a moustache on him?

-Anything you want.

-I'll meet you on deck.

-HE HICCUPS

Must be a rock on the island.

Ha-ha. Pretty good.

I could have sworn I drew a moustache.

-You didn't.

-I didn't?

-No.

-Oh.

I forgot something.

Ah. I enjoyed that.

It's stuffy in here.

-LOU HICCUPS

-Something you ate?

Ha-ha-ha.

Ah! That's better.

-Pwoo!

-Ha-ha-ha.

Get wet?

Ha-ha-ha!

Ha-ha-ha!

Skull Island!

Off the port stern!

# Lift the sail

# Getting rid of your tale

# I came from Liverpool, by the way, aye-eh, we go

# With all of the grub that's in the hold

# The grub that they serve is two months old

# To make matters worse they serve it cold

# Away, aye-eh, aye-oh

# From the belles of Amsterdam and the darlings of Bordeaux

# Had beautiful girls for company, but after a month or so at sea

# The ugliest ones look good to me

# Away, aye-eh, aye-oh

# I live by the ocean with my many airs

# He's got a lot, you know

# And let's all remember that I drank my cares

# Away, aye-eh, aye-oh

# Away, aye-eh, aye-oh. #

The last boat in tows to the shore!

-It isn't Gibraltar, but it's home.

-You've done well.

-You'll be as safe here...

-..as in a prison.

Would you excuse me?

-Morgan, open the sacks!

-Aye aye, captain.

Ha-ha.

Oh!

I'll never learn.

-Stay close by her and see that she doesn't escape.

-Aye aye, sir.

Boy, I'm glad we lost Captain Kidd.

-Ah!

-You'll come with us.

Lead me to that treasure before that stupid brain of yours forgets.

Come on!

That's our tree.

Three paces south.

-One, two, three.

-Get off my foot.

I'm sorry, captain. Five paces west.

-One...

-KIDD WHISTLES

One, two, three, four, five.

-Dig!

-Dig!

-Dig!

-Thank you very much.

-You're welcome.

-Dig!

-Yes, sir.

I win.

Dig! ..And you dig, too.

LOU GRUNTS

This dirt is heavy.

-Heavy?

-Yeah.

What's wrong with it?

Come on, will you, please?

LOU GRUNTS

I think I hit the treasure.

-You hit it.

-It's heavy.

-Let me see.

It's the same thing. What's the matter with you? Come on. Dig. Dig.

Hey!

I've got it. I've got it!

Come on. Give me a hand. Give me hand to lift it up.

Hold on. Wait a minute. One, two, three!

Hello, Captain Kidd.

-LOU WHEEZES

-Dig.

Come on.

Wait a minute. What are you doing?

-Shovelling the dirt.

-Don't throw it into that hole.

I'm digging it. Get over there.

Get over there and throw your dirt in the opposite direction.

What are you doing?

-Making a hole.

-Don't throw it into my hole.

-What are you getting mad for?

-I'm going to relax.

You go ahead and dig.

Atchoo!

Don't you try to run away,

or I can make it miserable for you.

How miserable can you make it?

That's more like it.

CLUNK CLUNK

"Alas poor Yorick,

"I knew him well."

"A fellow of infinite..."

That's the wrong play. Dig!

CLUNK

Is that your head or the treasure?

It couldn't be his head. This has got something in it.

-How am I going to look wearing diamonds?

-Bring it up.

< Take it across the island to headquarters. Get a move on.

Hey! Hey, you're getting us all dirty.

Aren't they nice, helping us to fill this hole?

A man could live all his life in luxury on these.

So could a woman. When do we sail?

I'm going to double-cross you. It's traditional.

-Am I to be shot or hanged?

-I'll let you know. I haven't made up my mind. Morgan!

-Drop those. Shut that up.

-Aye aye.

-Take it away!

-You heard what the captain said!

-We ought to get out and help 'em.

-They won't let us out.

We were digging our own graves. Who put us into this?

Puddin', Puddin',

Come on out. Argh!

Give me your hand and I'll help you out of there.

Argh!

Aaaargh.

Rocky!

Come on.

Give me your hand.

Come on. Come on. Come on, Rocky.

Atta boy.

Puddin'?

-Where's Puddin'?

-There he is.

Puddin'! What are you doing in there? Come on. Get out of there.

Come on.

Atta boy.

Got you.

Hey, Rocky.

Come on, Rocky, give me your hand. Atta boy.

Thanks, Captain Bonney.

Captain Kidd has double-crossed us.

-He'll kill us tonight.

-How can we escape?

-Steal a boat. Lady Jane and Bruce can keep them occupied.

-Aye aye.

OK.

Give me that. The wench and I will entertain you, captain.

Mm-hm.

Have her dance, too. Aye aye, sir.

Hey, you!

Get over here and help entertain the men. >

Hold her there.

# I'm north of nowhere

# South of someday

# Lost when you are away

# From me

# Oh, my love, will I find you there?

# North of nowhere

# South of someday, too...

Bravo.

-Shh.

-Sorry.

That's all right.

Argh!

Here we are, Captain Kidd.

-And here I am.

-CLUNK

-Good work.

-Where do we go from here?

-Nowhere. We've got to save Lady Jane and Bruce.

-Come on.

-Wait.

# Lost when you are away

# From me

# I would know the harbour

# Of your arms

# Left upon a lonely sea

# I look to stars above me

# Stars to guide me

# On the long voyage home

# To you

# Oh, my love, will I find you there?

# North of nowhere

# South of someday, too. #

CHEERING

How about the dance now?

Enough of that!

Leave that wench alone. She is my prize.

I do not wish her exhausted.

Avast, you crow bait! I shall hang by the arms,

your arms.

Come to me, you're adorable.

Tonight's the night.

It's only me.

When I kiss you, swoon.

PLOP

Hey, you're overdoing it.

Sing, you fools,

while I woo this wench.

# Hoist your jug

# Down your drink

# Fill your mug

# To the drink... #

-Come on, Lady Jane.

-At last you done something right. Let's go.

-Where's Captain Bonney?

-Here I am, Puddin'.

What happened to Kidd? Who did that?

I did. All I did was take this shovel and I went...bang.

Got him on the head. He's been lying like this since.

I'll signal the ship. They should be here. Come on.

Wait. I'll go with Captain Bonney. You watch Kidd.

Wait. Why do you always give me tough jobs?

All right, you watch Kidd

-and I'll go with Captain Bonney.

-That's better.

PIRATES SING DRUNKENLY

Captain Bonney needs help. Man your guns.

Aye aye, sir. Man your guns.

CAPTAIN KIDD SOBS

-Have you got a hanky?

-Yes. Here you are Captain Kidd.

Thank you very much.

-I feel better now.

-Are you all right now?

I'm all right now. Just a bit.

-How do you feel?

-Much better.

-You really do?

-Yeah, really.

-Good.

CLANG

Fire when ready!

Fire!

Fire!

Captain Kidd, we're being attacked!

We're being attacked. Man the boat!

-Aye aye.

-Avast!

-LOU SHOUTS INCOMPREHENSIBLY

-That goes for you, too.

-What's wrong with your voice?

-Oh-oh.

I've been around the little fat fellow so much, I talk like him.

You talk too much like him. What happened to Captain Kidd?

-Someone hit him with a shovel.

-Who?

-Me.

Ooh!

-One more broadside and Captain Kidd will have no crew.

-Good.

Hold your fire!

They're done for.

Hold your fire.

My men have beaten them. Let's get the treasure before Kidd catches us.

Bruce and I will carry the chest.

-You get the boat ready. Come on.

-Boat.

There's Captain Kidd.

He's trying to escape. Load and fire and don't miss.

Aye aye, sir. Load and fire!

Fire!

Hey!

Don't shoot! I'm on your side!

Hup-up! Hup-up!

Oh!

Fire!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah

Cease firing. They're waving a white flag.

It must be wrapped around a barrel.

What are you doing? Get up on your feet. I... Oh-oh.

Ha-ha-ha. I must have scared him.

I've got him for you, Captain.

-Put him on!

-You, shut up! Ah!

You take care of him. No, you take care of him.

This is driving me crazy. He went that way.

-Which way'd he go, Captain?

-That way.

That way. ..Argh!

Ha-ha-ha!

Eee!

Urgh!

HE WHISTLES SAILOR'S HORNPIPE

Kidd's crew have gone to Davy Jones's locker. Your men are landing.

I have a first mate. Could you use a second mate?

-Did I overhear you say you want to be on our side?

-Aye aye, Captain.

Aye aye, sir. Aye aye. Morgan, you and Rocky to take this treasure to Captain Bonney's ship.

-Yes, sir.

-Captain. Pah.

Take it away.

Bruce, you and Lady Jane, keep your eye on them.

Aye aye, sir. How about me?

You keep your eye on me.

Oh, Puddin'.

Call me by my last name. Head.

Puddin' Head.

# For many moons we'll sail beneath

# The Big and Little Dipper

# And if we're loaded to the teeth

# We owe it to the skipper

# Once again we're off to sea

# To the only home we know

Help, Morgan!

# The world where a man harpoons a whale

# Away, aye-eh, aye-oh. #

Subtitles by Philip Macdonald and Patrick McDonnell for BBC Subtitling - 2001

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