It's a Wonderful Afterlife

MAN GROANS

SWISH OF KNIFE

POT BUBBLES

MAN GROANS AND PANTS

SIREN WAILS

Male found unconscious. BP 100 over 70. Sats 85%.

Can you beep the surgical registrar?

He may need an ultrasound.

I need him connected now. Pulse and blood pressure.

-Heart rate down to 100.

-Blood pressure rising.

SCREAMS

STOMACH GURGLES

MONITOR FLATLINES

'Police remain baffled by this latest victim.

'The third member of the Asian community found dead

'in an Indian food-related incident this week.

'The first victims were also murdered here in Southall,

'London's Little India.

'The curry killer appears to remain at large

'while the police have no idea who it is or when they may strike again.'

Murder number one, Indian couple.

Wife hit on the head with a rolling pin,

husband suffocated with chapati dough.

-LAUGHTER

-Shh. Naan of that, please(!)

We've classified this latest incident as murder

because forensics say the chilli content of the curry

was way off the human tolerance scale.

Everyone, this is Detective Sergeant Murthy.

He'll be assisting our team,

interviewing members of the local community and the like.

Let's get back to basics.

Murthy, what do you think is going on here?

I haven't been here long, but murders are rare.

Certainly never a serial killer.

We need some good community undercover work here.

You're an insider, Murthy. People will talk to you.

Whoever is committing these murders knows a thing or two about spices.

But, sir, everyone eats curry now.

Chicken tikka masala is the number one national dish,

everyone's a potential suspect.

Exactly. You're thinking laterally. That's why you're part of this team.

Sir, he's just currying favour. Currying.

See what I did with that, yeah?

MUSIC: "A-Team Theme" overlain with bhangra drums

Hello, Aunty.

-It's Raj.

-Googly.

-I heard you were a police officer.

-Googly!

Blimey, you've grown.

-Roopi?

-Mmm.

So have you.

-Sorry to hear about Uncle's passing.

-Thank you, beta.

It's been a year now since your uncle has gone.

I hope God will take me to him soon, too.

-Once my duty is done.

-Mum!

You're not sick, are you?

Since Dad died she thinks she's next in line.

Apparently I'm holding up her plans because I won't get hitched.

I know the feeling.

What are you doing in London?

I transferred to the Southall station.

I'm working with the murder investigation team

-on these recent murders.

-That couple that died,

their daughter ended up at our shelter more than a few times.

Shelter?

I work in a refuge centre,

protecting women from the so-called pillars of our community.

It's nice to see you both again. LOUD THROAT-CLEARING

I better get back to the station.

Come home some time for home-cooked food.

I will, Aunty.

-My God!

-He's grown into a handsome man.

Maybe I should talk to his parents. They always liked you as a girl.

-Don't start, Mum.

-Listen, beta. What is done is done.

That Tej was bad news.

But you have to move on. You're letting go so many chances.

Mum, you've got to stop all this wishy-washy fairy-tale nonsense.

Get real.

BOY: Who's home? Who's home? BOYS: Fat family. Fat family.

BOY: Fatty boom boom.

BOY: Who's home? BOYS: Fat family.

BOY: Fat family, fat family, fat family, fat family.

-PARROT:

-Fat family's home! Fat family's home!

-Fat family's home!

-Pappu, don't be a wanker.

Pappu, don't be a wanker!

SCREAMS

BOY: Got you!

BOYS LAUGH

SPEAKS PUNJABI

For God's sake, Jazz.

When are you going to grow up?

Mum's been through enough

without dealing with you and your gags.

Don't be a loser all your life.

If your father was alive, Jasminder would get a proper job.

Mum, I've got a proper job. I'm a DJ.

He's a DJ, innit?

And Roopi would be married and settled and I could go in peace.

-I'm sorry, Mum. I'm sorry.

-PHONE RINGS

It's all right, Mum.

Yah, man, this is Jazz. How can I help you?

-WOMAN: 'Is that Mrs Sethi's house?'

-Hello, Aunty.

-'Go get your mother.'

-Hello?

-'Mrs Sethi?'

Anji.

'I have a very good boy for your daughter.

-'My cousin's sister's son.'

-Yes, of course.

-'You bring Roopi.'

-She'll be there.

-'To the Guldana.'

-Thank you.

Mum. Please tell me you haven't dropped me in it again.

MYSTICAL INDIAN MUSIC

-WOMAN:

-Listen, what can we do now?

-It's the boy's decision, no?

-You told me she'd lost weight.

How can I help you find someone for her

when she's bigger than the boys I show you?

But looks aren't everything. And she's strong.

Not like those pencil-thin girls who could snap at any time.

You're the mother, it's your fault.

You should have controlled her eating from the start. But, no.

And now everywhere does threading.

There is no excuse for a moustache like that.

WOMAN SPEAKS PUNJABI

CAR HORN BLAST LOUD MUSIC

REVS ENGINE

TYRES SCREECH

It's all right. Come on, let's go home.

OK, who is she? How is she connected to the others?

-What have you found out?

-I've spoken to the neighbours.

She was a widow. Lived alone.

God-fearing, went to the Sikh temple all the time.

Murthy, you have described every bleeding old biddy in this town.

-Tell me something new.

-Sir, you got a minute?

METALLIC SQUEAKING

CLATTERING

SCREAMS

Mum. Are you OK?

SHE WHIMPERS

THUNDERCLAP

PAPPU SQUAWKS

Shh.

GASPS

THUNDERCLAP

PAPPU SCREECHES

Pappu, quiet! Mum, what's wrong?

What are you looking at? What is it?

No, don't do it.

You're just missing Dad. I still wake up in a state, too.

Make you a hot cup of milk, hm?

It's all right.

THUNDERCLAP

BIRDSONG

SIGHS

SCREAMS

Why did you do it?

What were you thinking?

What is wrong with you?

MUFFLED

Morning, Mum.

Still looking a little pale.

Pale? She should see us.

How you feeling?

I'm OK.

I better get to work.

Sure you're OK?

Why worry about her? We're the ones who are dead.

The girl works too hard, that's why she's let her body go.

Fat mother, fat daughter.

What's wrong, Mum?

You're a million miles away.

I'm sorry, beta. You please go to work.

Take some stuffed parantas for lunch.

What? She already has a bottom like a buffalo.

Call me if you need anything.

I'm picking up Linda at the airport after work.

-That's why I did it.

-What?

You said my daughter's too fat for you.

And you said she's too ugly for your cousin's sister's son.

And you?

You said she's not good enough for your nephew Tej.

So you broke her engagement, made some mischief and broke her heart.

You all rejected her without even knowing her.

You can't be nice to her even in death.

She is all I can ask for in a daughter.

She's loving, dutiful, considerate.

And still no-one will have her.

She deserves to have a good husband and a good family.

And you all got what you deserve.

Deserve this? For trying to help you find a match for moto-joto?

You killed us for telling the truth. Surely an over-reaction, no?

But we rejected so many girls.

Better to break an engagement than have a bad match for ever.

MUFFLED

This isn't real. This can't be happening.

It's real to us.

POSTMAN: Morning.

Oi, post wallah, look.

Mr Postman, look at us.

DOG BARKS

Milo!

What's wrong? You look bothered.

Are your son and my Ari raising your blood pressure?

Is there something different about me today?

Did you dye your hair?

Where do Jewish people go after they die?

-Willesden.

-Huh?

The Jewish cemetery. It's lovely, all green and peaceful.

Milo!

No, I mean your spirit. Your soul.

Oh, that. Nothing. When you're dead you're dead.

That's sad. At least we have reincarnation.

You see, we have reincarnation.

-Everybody is reborn.

-What, everyone?

If you're good in this life,

you come back again next time as something good,

like a holy person.

But if you're bad then you come back as something bad, like a cockroach.

So if we're dead why are we still here?

Why haven't we been reincarnated?

I have no idea.

Maybe you all did very bad things in your life

so you're off the scale.

But what about the bad you've done? What's going to happen to you?

You know I'm a vegetarian. Why stab me with chicken tikka kebab?

Why not panir?

Listen, panji, I was not bad to your daughter.

Why did you kill me?

He was the one who said she was not suitable.

He pushed his sister to break off the engagement.

MUFFLED

Of course you did.

You said whoever marries her will never need a mattress.

MUFFLED

-LAUGHS

-Mattress!

ALL YELP

OK.

That's not right.

SINGS BADLY: # I'm losing my way

# And I'm trying to discover my sou-ou-ou-ou-oul... #

I mean maybe we should write a song about death.

No, no, I don't forget when it comes to my children.

That's my mum. She's got guests. That means she's cooking.

I've got the munchies.

You said that to me. You think I don't remember?

You think it doesn't hurt her mother?

It doesn't break her heart to hear such things.

Perhaps next time you'll think about her hurt and her pain.

AMERICAN TV VOICEOVER: 'From an early age, John Edward

'displayed remarkable psychic abilities.

'Predictions and premonitions he couldn't explain.

'At 15, a reading by a psychic changed his life.

'John was told what millions have witnessed.

'He can reunite people in the physical world

'with those who have crossed over.'

This guy's a scam artist. He can't help us. We need professional help.

'He's telling me to tell you

'about hiding in the back right-hand corner."

-'Would you go back there and hide?

-Yeah.'

It's very emotional when he contacts the dead relatives.

Especially a wife whose husband died young.

-Hi, Mum.

-Hi, Aunty.

Linda, beti.

-Namaste, Aunty.

-Oh, you've come. Come, come.

If her daughter had that body we wouldn't be in this problem.

MUFFLED

I'm totally transformed. I am no longer Linda.

-I am Gitali.

-Huh?

-It means "melodious one".

-It also means you've lost the plot.

You went to India and changed your name?

Aunty, I met a wonderful numerologist in Ritikesh.

He said "L" is very bad for my date of birth.

It's been the "L" in Linda that has been blocking me in love.

He said if I changed my name to begin with "G"

it would be very lucky for me. Hence Gitali.

She may be cracked, but what a figure.

-This is very strange.

-What is?

The room. It's vibrating.

It's just the bulb going.

It's haunted.

Don't be daft. This is Ealing.

-There are spirits present.

-Spirits? What are you on about?

You know I've always been psychic, right?

While I was at the ashram, my guru taught me how to harness my gift.

And now I can feel everything.

She has a gift.

She can sense us.

Ooh.

Well, let's see if she can sense this.

SINGS

It's very creepy.

It's like cheap cologne.

Ask her why we're still here.

-Why are these spirits here, Linda?

-It's Gitali.

I feel, Aunty, it's to do with the murders.

See, she will find you out.

What are you trying to say?

When someone is murdered their spirit is unleashed.

It's not easy for them to move on so they hang about.

ALL: For how long?

Sometimes their souls aren't ready for the next life.

I'm ready right now. MUFFLED

How much time before we rot away and disappear completely? Ask her.

What has to happen for them to move on?

Some believe that souls of the murdered

can only be reincarnated

once the murderer is dead.

Oh, God help us.

I need a large G and T.

And so do you.

Can you not feel that?

So...

do you want to hear my big news?

Apart from your brain transplant with an Indian shaman?

Stop being so closed off.

Listen, do you remember before I went I had a feeling

that I'd find my guy on this trip?

Oh, my God.

You haven't gone and fallen for a native, have you, Linda?

It's Gitali. When I was at the ashram,

I started having these strong feelings for this one guy.

My guru said that I should follow my feelings because guess what?

Enlighten me.

My guru thinks I've been married to him for five past lives.

My numerologist gave me his initials before I'd even met him.

-What?!

-GIGGLES HELPLESSLY

-Just saying.

-Oh, sorry.

It's all right.

OK. What's his name, then?

Devinderpal Singh Chandioke.

Mercy!

He's not from some backwater remote hillside village, is he?

Actually, he's from Gerrards Cross.

DOORBELL RINGS

-Googly.

-Namaste, Aunty.

-Come in.

-Thank you.

-I hope I haven't come at a bad time.

-Nonsense. You're always welcome.

-Here you are.

-Thank you.

Don't really know many people in London yet.

-This is your home. Come, sit.

-Thank you.

-Your necklace is caught, Aunty.

-Thank you, beta.

It was a gift from my husband on our wedding day.

So, what about you, then?

Erm... Nothing.

Can't handle it right now.

Come on, you've got to get yourself back out there.

I know. It's only been six months.

Tej is your past.

And "T" and "R", hopeless together. Wish I'd known that then.

So who is good for "R"?

"D". Or "R" itself.

"D" for desperate. And "R" for really desperate.

Stop it. Be positive.

And do you think I'd do my own love chart and not yours?

-Oh, it's good to have you back.

-It's good to be back.

-He's very handsome.

-Too handsome.

He's way out of moto's league.

Nice and tall.

But a little...dark, no?

Must be from south.

They have very bad table manners.

Anything wrong, Aunty?

No, I just remembered that I forgot to get the green chillies.

You must stay for dinner. I hope you're hungry.

Hi, Mum.

Look who's here.

-Hey, Googs.

-Hey.

This is my old mate Linda.

Pleasure to meet you.

Please, call me Raj. No-one has called me Googly for years.

Ah, Raj.

Oh.

I'm Gitali. It's my rebirth name.

Hello, it's only me.

Here it is, love. Eggless cake you like so much.

You shouldn't have. Thank you so much.

Meet our family friend Raj from Kent. He's a police officer.

Very good. We need a lot of protection around here.

You have no idea.

So, Raj, are you here...

He is so gorgeous.

Oh, I know.

And?

His family stayed with us when they first came to England.

I used to go blackberry picking with him along the canal

when we were kids.

I've seen him in his underpants.

So you're halfway there.

Are you joking?

He could have anyone he wants.

He likes you.

I can sense it.

And he's an "R".

So, this latest woman with the kebab skewer, she was my age.

Why would anyone want to murder an old lady like that?

We can't figure it out.

You're no closer to finding the killer?

Investigating all avenues.

Have you ever come across this latest victim, Manjit Kaur?

No.

I've been interviewing her family today. It's sad.

She was estranged from her kids.

All the victims have dirty laundry,

which makes finding a motive more complicated.

What kind of dirty laundry?

The third victim was a serial bigamist.

He had two wives back home in India that he abandoned.

You don't know my wives, you'd have run away, too.

And he was trying to get married to a third here.

-Bastard.

-Shameless.

-The third couple made their daughter marry a man who became abusive.

-What?

He used to hit her.

When she came to me for help

they blamed her and made her go back to him to save face.

It's what I told you real pillars of the community(!)

The only link seems to be

the killer clearly has cooking skills and knows their spices.

Oh, I'm getting a feeling.

I'm getting a strong feeling...

..about the murderer.

What?

Linda's psychic.

Psychic or psycho?

She's just learning,

but her guru thinks she's got a big career ahead of her.

I'm sensing that the murderer is full of rage and anger.

CURRY MAN: That's a no-brainer(!)

If they know so much about cooking, do they think it's a man or a woman?

All my feelings are non gender-specific.

LAUGHS

MYSTICAL INDIAN MUSIC STARTS UP

Oh, sorry. That's my phone.

I'll just get that. Sorry.

She's just got back from six weeks in India.

Ah, that explains it.

All right, love.

I'm making Ari brisket for dinner. Night night.

You have to see these old photos I found of us.

How long can you keep this up?

That was too close. You can't carry on like this.

And neither can we. There's only one solution.

You have to kill yourself.

'Yes, you're right, it is a baffling case.

'I'm joined by some members of the Asian community in Southall.

'When is it going to end?

'You tell me. I don't know what the police are doing.

'I think they should get their act together and comfort the public.'

SWITCHES TV OFF

What's your team playing at?

We've got four bodies, no leads,

-no suspects, nothing.

-Forensics are working overtime

and Murthy has interviewed the whole town.

I've got the local paper calling us a bunch of useless wallies.

Community groups on my case. There's got to be a simple motive.

Honour killings.

Arranged marriage gone sour.

Family feud.

Get me a suspect!

-We have one, sir.

-What?

Roopi Sethi.

-She has connections to each victim.

-Roopi? That's impossible.

I ran a background check on that shelter she works in.

She was brought in once about an attempted murder case

where the wife stabbed the husband and legged it.

She's also been up for assault against some poor sod trying

to keep his marriage together. She's radical, probably a lesbian.

What?

Manjit Kaur met Roopi at the Sikh temple the day she died.

Roopi.

Hello.

-Sorry to disturb you at work, Roopi.

-We've got some questions for you.

Manjit Kaur, the latest murder victim.

-Are you sure you didn't know her?

-No, I didn't.

Why does her phone say she called you the day before she met you?

And she met you the day she died.

We know she went to the temple at 1,700 hours.

Oh, my God, it's her.

I met her at the temple for the first time.

I didn't know her name.

What business did she have with you at the temple?

She was...

..looking at girls for her sister's nephew.

So, she rejected you. Are you desperate to get married?

Why? You asking?

Oh, nice. Like your kebabs, do you?

You're also acquainted with Mr and Mrs Chopra.

I never met them. I knew their daughter.

The same daughter you helped run away from her husband?

What is this? Googs, what's going on?

What about this poor geezer? Did you bust his balls and all?

What?

I only met him once. At a wedding.

He was a rude, sexist pig. You know he's a bigamist too, right?

-How do you know that?

-I told her.

Sharing information with potential suspects, Googs?

-Suspect?! I barely know these people.

-You didn't like them.

-Doesn't mean I killed them.

-Then why did someone?

I've no idea. That's your job to find out.

Were you not once engaged to the Chopras' nephew, Tej Chopra?

You got dumped, didn't you?

-You? A murder suspect?

-'It was awful.

'I didn't know that woman at the temple was the last victim.

'How did you know her?'

-This is really freaking me out.

-'Listen to me.'

She was someone I met there once.

Now calm down and get back to work. It'll all be over soon.

-This is terrible. It's all my fault.

-True.

They're going to send Roopi to jail.

I... I have to confess.

-What? No, you can't do that.

-I have to.

I can't let Roopi go to jail for me.

But if you go to jail then we all go to jail.

And we'll never be reincarnated.

She's right.

You have to kill yourself.

You leave a note confessing to the murders and then Roopi will be safe.

Just one more.

Don't make it dry.

MUFFLED

LINDA: Hello? Aunty?

-Oh, come on...!

-You home?

Roopi, what are you doing home?

Couldn't work after that police business.

She called me dead upset so I brought her home.

-Are you feeling better now, Roops?

-Yeah. Sort of.

Well, let's take your mind off it.

I've got some good news.

Good news?

I wanted you both to know first.

I soon will be Mrs Devinderpal Singh Chandioke.

BOTH: What?

-I'm engaged to an Indian.

-How?

A yoga retreat in the Himalayas.

What? Just like that?

Are you nuts? You just met him.

Roopi, why didn't you go with Linda to India?

-She begged you to go with her.

-Mum!

With all due respect, I am not going to India to find a husband.

That's no loss for India.

I can't wait for you both to meet my Dev.

I'm sorry, panji. SHE SOBS

Your daughter will find someone, too.

You shouldn't be surprised her friend found someone first.

I mean she's so slim...

Even her English friend can find an Indian husband.

Roopi will find a good man, panji.

Maybe she'll have to be a little less choosy.

I hope that she marries well,

but you have to eat some ladoo so we can finish this.

I'm so sorry to all of you.

I wish I could take it all back.

But...

I can't do it.

What?

I can't kill myself until...

..I see my daughter married, too.

No, no, no, no way, no deal. That may never happen.

MUFFLED

They just said she'll find a husband.

They said that to make you feel better.

Who will marry that moto? Think of the grocery bills.

I don't want my daughter to be all alone.

SHE SOBS

We had such a blissful time together in India.

As soon as we met up here, I knew it was meant to be.

-I haven't even met him.

-You will.

MRS GOLDMAN: Hello? Don't mind me.

Picking up my cake tin from yesterday.

You can't change your mind. It's not fair on all of us.

But if I go she will have no father or mother.

Her younger brother can't help get her married.

You should have thought of that before you put air con in me.

Be quiet, she said sorry. Can't you understand?

No mother wants to die without seeing her daughter married.

LOUD SQUELCHES

Eurgh!

I don't think we can wait

for someone that desperate to come along.

-MUFFLED

-You two shut up!

Only a mother can know what another mother feels.

-We should help her.

-That's right.

I'm sorry, Linda.

I'm really happy for you.

It's just that...

this week would have been my wedding

had it all worked out with Tej.

And now you'll be having the big Indian wedding

that my mother always dreamed of for me.

And I'll never find another man who'll love me.

Shh.

Don't be crazy, Roops.

Of course you will.

I was fine about it.

But when that police guy brought him up, it brought it all back.

He was right.

I was dumped.

I didn't do anything wrong.

That's just it.

You didn't do anything wrong.

He just turned out to be a spineless git

who let his family dictate who he should marry.

No, let's face it.

I wasn't good enough.

And they thought he could do better.

And my poor mum still keeps trying to get me hooked up,

even though people don't want to go near me because I'm tainted goods.

Shh. No, it's not true.

GASPS What?

I made five ladoos. There are only four.

-Roopi, did you eat something?

-No, Mum.

Oh, Mum, Mrs Goldman came by to pick something up.

KEBAB WOMAN: And the note. Throw the note away.

PANICKED CHATTER

-Oh.

-What?

ALL GASP

Oh, no.

SIREN WAILS

I don't believe it. I just don't believe it.

A third granny killed in her home.

And this one isn't even Indian.

What the hell is going on here, Smythe?

We're analysing the Indian sweet.

This is another link that points to the neighbours.

They were close to her. Why would they kill her?

Leave that to me, Murthy. I need you to focus on the Sethi daughter,

-since you seem to be well in there.

-What?

Murthy here has a special relationship

with one of my suspects, Chief.

Good.

Let's use that. You're going undercover.

Looks like you've got yourself a girlfriend to take care of.

RABBI PRAYING

SHOVELS DIGGING

Who are you people?

-Call this funeral attire?

-It's a long story.

Ladies and gentlemen, please return to the prayer hall

for the conclusion of the service.

-All right, man?

-I wish you long life.

-These folks can't see me, can they?

-No.

-Then what am I?

-A spirit.

-I'm a spirit.

-MILO WHIMPERS

And Milo, too? How did we die?

Ask Mrs Sethi.

I thought they couldn't hear me.

-Only she can.

-Why's that?

Better ask her yourself. Story's getting longer.

Poor Ari. Who'll look after my son now?

I will.

-You really can hear me.

-Yes.

I'm sorry.

For what?

You ate a poisoned ladoo I made.

I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to kill you.

-But she meant to kill all of us.

-ALL AGREE

-She killed all of you?

-ALL: Mm-hm.

And me?

And Milo, too?

My goodness.

What's got into you, love?

You know how hard I've tried to find a suitable match for Roopi?

No mother could have done more than you.

They were all horrible to her.

And I couldn't take it any more.

But you shouldn't be here.

You were always so nice to Roopi.

Well, I always said your cooking was so good

it was going to kill me one day.

The poisoned ladoo was for me.

I was supposed to eat it and die so they could all be reincarnated.

Oh, that's right. You said when we die we'll be reincarnated.

Maybe Abe and I will come back

as birds flying through the sky together.

We always wanted to travel but he died a month after he retired.

No-one is flying anywhere until she's dead.

And she won't kill herself until her jumbo daughter is married.

Is this true, love?

I just need to know that Roopi is happily married.

-And Jazz?

-He's a boy, it's different.

He's happy with his music. But his sister's not happy.

I don't want her to live this life alone.

Once she has someone then I can move on with all of you.

Wait a minute. This is wonderful.

This is our chance to do a good deed. Roopi is a lovely girl.

If we can help her,

it'll help us come back as something better in our next life.

I'm sure we've all done things we're not proud of.

She's done us a favour. She's given us another chance.

I still don't see why we have to help her when she killed us.

I for one can't bear to see Roopi cry like that again.

Trust me, you need good deeds fast.

You want to come back new and improved, don't you?

Maybe you'll come back and have one happy marriage for life.

OK, OK, if finding moto a husband is the only way we get out of here

then I'm in.

Mazel tov.

BHANGRA MUSIC

# Oh baby

# Don't break my heart

# Don't break my heart Cos I've been waiting

# You're listening Don't break my heart

# Oh baby

# Don't break my heart

# Don't break my heart Cos I've been waiting

# For a long, long time

# Baby girl

# Baby girl

# Baby

# You're listening Don't break my heart

# If you want to look you want to know them... #

OK, try to find out what kind of man she likes.

Don't beat about the bush, just ask her.

Use guilt. You're her mother, it's your right.

Beti, I'm just saying if you were wanting to get married...

Mum!

If we're going to go on walks together it's a marriage-free zone.

Ask me about work.

Where I want to travel.

Who I'm voting for.

Anything except for marriage all the time.

Of course I'd like to meet someone.

-I'm not as beautiful as Linda.

-And that's why we're doomed.

You know, there's nothing wrong with being single.

A lot of women are happy that way their whole lives.

HORRIFIED GASPS

MUFFLED SOUNDS

GASPS

Now we are truly in purgatory.

Chupa. Mrs Sethi, you're worse than my wife.

It is your duty to find her a husband now.

We should go to a marriage bureau, it's the fastest way.

That didn't do much for our daughter.

I'm not going to interfere. I have told her.

Mum, who are you talking to?

I'm sorry, beti.

I'm listening to you.

Mum, I don't mean to have a go at you.

I just don't understand why you can't let this marriage thing go.

You've got to stop. You'll make yourself crazy.

There is only one reason I did what I did.

-Hmm?

-I mean do what I do.

Roopi.

I want you to know the same happiness I shared with your father.

The way he looked after me.

Then how he we both felt when I held you in my arms for the first time.

And then your brother.

I don't want you to miss out on this joy.

You'll grow another heart with every child.

And there isn't anything you wouldn't do for them.

Mum, if you really want to know,

there's nothing I want more than to have a baby.

I dream about it all the time.

But my fear is that I'll never meet that right person

and I'll end up settling for someone.

Because if I don't...

I may never meet anyone who'll want me.

Chup...

don't even think like that.

That is why you should let us help you.

-Us?

-I mean me.

I know a few clubs where there are always men looking for women.

Not the sort of men we should be looking for.

What about trying this shaddi.com?

No. Too many people on the internet

lying about their age and their profession. It's unsafe.

But I've heard of something that might work.

Hello, I'm Jagjit.

-Hi. Roopi.

-KEBAB WOMAN: He's panga.

-Beggars can't be choosers.

-SPIRITS: Next.

MAN LAUGHS SPIRITS: Next.

What year did you say you were born?

Why ask trick questions? No-one's good enough for her.

KEBAB WOMAN: He's older than you.

Next.

-RAPS:

-Yo, honey girl, sweet sugar dumpling.

Not bad, very modern.

Got speed daters to my left, speed daters to my right.

Don't you worry about me, I'll speed date you all night.

SPIRITS: Next.

BLOWS WHISTLE

Hi.

I can see a great future for us.

-Should've gone to Specsavers.

-SPIRITS: Next.

Hi.

I am...Dilraj.

Poor little chap.

SPIRITS: Next!

Hi.

What are you doing here, Googs?

I guess we all have to bite the bullet and try to please our folks.

It doesn't matter how proud they are I'm a police officer,

they keep asking the same question.

This isn't any more surreal than the last time we met.

I am sorry for coming to your refuge like that.

I do hope that young woman you were helping is OK now.

She's getting there. Thanks.

But your partner is a right tosser.

He's not actually my partner.

Unfortunately, I didn't get to pick him.

It was arranged.

She's found a match.

Googly.

He's perfect. It's fate bringing them together.

He's a little dark, though. And he's not a Sikh, he's a Hindu.

-That is close enough.

-He's breathing, he'll do.

You put yourself through this nightmare

-and you still haven't found anyone.

-I did.

-I cheated. I knew her before.

-Huh?

Will you have dinner with me?

MUSIC: "Wonderful Life" by Black

He's funny.

# Here I go

# Out to sea again

# The sunshine fills my hair

# And dreams hang in the air

# Gulls in the sky And in my blue eyes

# You know it feels unfair

# There's magic everywhere

# Look at me standing

# Here on my own again

# Up straight in the sunshine

# No need to run

# And hide

# It's a wonderful, wonderful life

# No need to laugh

# And cry

# It's a wonderful wonderful life... #

SAXOPHONE SOLO

She shouldn't drink in front of him. Very bad.

She certainly shouldn't eat, it'd scare anyone.

# ..I need a friend

# Oh, I need a friend

# To make me happy

# Not so alone

# Look at me here

# Here on my own again

# Up straight in the sunshine

# No need to run

# And hide

# It's a wonderful, wonderful Life

# No need to laugh and cry... #

-Hi, Roopi.

-MUSIC CUTS OUT

Hi. Tej.

Roopi, this is... This is Karishma.

-And how do you two know each other?

-We used to work together.

Sorry I'm late, darling.

This is Tej. And...

MUSIC RESUMES

# ..No need to run

# And hide

# It's a wonderful, wonderful life

# No need to laugh

# And cry It's a wonderful, wonderful... #

Good evening. # ..Wonderful life. #

Damn, she got lucky.

-Sorry?

-Nothing.

I'm telling you, sir, it's not Roopi Sethi.

-How can you be sure?

-I spent weeks with her.

There's no way she's the murderer. No motive, no evidence, nothing.

You can't rule her out just because you fancy her, Murthy.

Forensics found a small hair in the sweet Mrs Goldman was eating.

We need a DNA sample from Roopi now. Can I have a word, Chief?

-MURTHY: Namaste, Aunty. MRS SETHI:

-Namaste.

We're not going to be late. I've got three new cases at work tomorrow.

-You all enjoy. Have a nice time.

-Thank you.

I've left my phone.

-KEBAB WOMAN: That top is too low. CURRY MAN:

-She's looking damn hot.

-LINDA:

-I could murder a pizza.

KEBAB WOMAN: Why does she have to show everything?

-MRS GOLDMAN:

-She looks nice.

I am totally serious.

I can read foreheads.

Does it work...

if you've had botox?

Does my forehead look big in this?

-SNIGGERS

-OK.

Tense.

You both are not very good at being straight.

Are you saying Googly's a bent copper?

It's Raj, Roops, Raj.

I'm not saying he's bent, but I am seeing something.

What?

What can you see?

Are you hiding something from us?

Well, yeah, we can't go revealing all to you women.

Where's the romance in that?

OK. I admit it.

I have had botox.

Wine?

So, Dev, your families seem to have hit it off well.

Actually, it was perfect.

We're all looking forward to the engagement party.

Dev's parents are putting up a huge marquee in the garden.

And we've set a date for the wedding.

Spring wedding.

We've discussed a spring wedding. We love...

Dev, honey. Remember what our charts recommend?

Wedding day. 14th March, 11:45am GMT.

The charts also say I should give up meat and shave my head

so our marriage will be auspicious, but that's a lot to ask, darling.

I need to use the ladies'.

-ROOPI:

-Ahem!

Excuse me.

(Why are you pushing so hard, Linda?)

I've asked you a thousand times. Please stop calling me Linda.

I'm Gitali. My luck won't work if you don't use the "G".

But you're forcing it.

What happened to the carefree ballsy girl I used to know?

-He's my destiny.

-Linda...

Look, I'm not going to be stuck as Assistant Head of Human Resources

at Ealing Town Hall for the rest of my life.

He just needs a little bit of prodding.

-DEV:

-Waiter.

The Barolo. This no good.

You miss two episodes and it has all changed.

-The brothers look different.

-She killed the brother.

-MRS SETHI:

-'I think his wife is in on it.

'But nobody else.'

Wife? Don't say we've missed one.

Get back out there, see if she's still on her own.

DRAMATIC MUSIC ON TV

It's so sad.

You watch this for fun?!

I know who did it.

-MRS SETHI:

-'"I know who did it.'

She's on her own watching telly. I can see her from the window.

If she's on her own, who's she talking to?

She's a nutter.

Talks to herself all the time.

Oh, my God.

ALL SCREAM

LAUGHS UPROARIOUSLY

What are you doing?

-I'm DJ-ing this private party.

-Why don't you get a proper job?

When are you going to get some responsibility?

You're sounding like a broken record.

Can I count on you to look after your sister when I'm gone?

Why are you talking like that, Mum?

What are you worried about? You're as strong as an ox.

If I die tomorrow, will you look after your sister?

You're scaring me now, Mum.

I'm going to be late tonight, so if you need anything call my mobile.

-Come sit down.

-THUNDERCLAPS

MURTHY: It's like a monsoon. Roops, seriously, wait.

LAUGHTER AND SQUEALING

Hey, Mum.

So wet.

SCREAMS

-LINDA:

-Aunty.

Your aura has got so dark.

I feel five spirits around you. I'm going to remove them.

SMYTHE: Five murders, five spirits. I knew it. There's a connection.

I'm going to do a spiritual cleansing.

Dev, move the table. Move it.

-Don't do this, Linda.

-It's OK.

What's a cleansing?

-She's going to remove us.

-Do you think she'll help us move on?

-Could be, could be.

-Yes.

KEBAB WOMAN: God, forgive my mistakes.

I became bitter because my mother-in-law was the same to me.

Please, bring me back as a cat that never has to lift a finger.

This is it, we are leaving.

ROLLING PIN WOMAN: Wait, don't leave without me.

Please, God, give me good sperm in the next life

so my wife won't leave again.

LINDA CHANTS

RUMBLING YELLING

-MRS GOLDMAN:

-There's a good boy.

Stop it. You're upsetting Mum.

-I am sorry.

-Why are you sorry, Mum?

Why haven't the DNA results come back from the lab yet?

You can't rush forensics.

-See ya, Guv.

-Ta-ra.

I only got that evidence to prove Roopi isn't the murderer.

We need to start looking at other suspects.

What do you think we've been doing? 500 interviews and not a bean.

My arse is on the line and so's yours.

We know the murderer cooks, Roopi hates cooking.

She won't even make chapatis.

She sees it as a symbol of women's oppression.

And the rest of the family?

Brother's a waster. He's harmless, no motive.

-What about the mother?

-You are joking?

Women like Aunty couldn't hurt a fly.

We can't stop investigating this family.

They knew all the victims. We've got nothing else.

Keep seeing Roopi.

Go to that engagement party.

Wear a wire. She's bound to let something slip.

I'm bringing the mother in.

So...

-..we've been watching you, Mrs Sethi.

-Why would you be watching me, sir?

It's odd that your family happens to know all the murder victims.

Say you didn't know all of them.

I didn't know all of them, sir.

Where were you on Friday, February 6th?

The night Mr and Mrs Chopra were killed.

Stay calm. My sister Rita Juj was having a party in Stanmore.

Say you were there.

I was in Stanmore at a party given by Ritu Juj.

What about Wednesday February 18th? The night Manjit Kaur was murdered.

KEBAB WOMAN: You were out shopping at B&Q.

I was shopping at B&Q off the Hayes bypass.

On Wednesday they give ten% discount to seniors.

What did you buy?

NAAN MAN: Say nothing, or they will check receipts.

Go on.

What did you buy?

-MRS GOLDMAN:

-Say you were looking for a clothes dryer.

£19.99, steel finish, but they were out of stock.

Nothing.

I was looking for a clothes dryer, steel finish.

But they were out of stock.

-CURRY MAN:

-OK, but they won't be fooled for ever.

Murthy has to marry Roopi or we have to find another plan.

And fast.

BHANGRA MUSIC

RHYTHMIC CLAPPING

Oi, garcon.

Thank you.

You sure this is cool, bruv?

This is what they do in the villages

when they want the families to laugh with each other.

-Ganja pakoras.

-Wee pakora.

Don't mind if I do. Thank you very much.

You're welcome, sexy.

-Another one?

-Go on then. Might as well.

Engagement day.

APPLAUSE AND DRUMMING

LINDA SCREAMS

Oh, my God, she's freaking out.

What's happened?

-She saw us.

-Eh?

-CURRY MAN:

-She sensed my energy.

-I've still got it.

-Could she see us?

-Can you not see that?

-The drummers?

Look.

I'm going to go and get Mum.

-Mrs Sethi?

-Where's she gone?

-Jazz, have you seen Mum?

-No.

-Why's Linda freaking out?

-Probably one of my ganja pakoras.

-You didn't! Did you?

-Yeah.

You idiot. Googs is here. He's a cop, you know.

Throw the rest away.

Ooh, sorry.

Dev, come on.

Chillax, Aunty. It's all good vibes.

It was my stupid brother's fault. He made bhang pakoras.

Ganja?

Let's get you some air.

Did you see the look on Aunty's face?

Have a seat, come here.

It's all right, don't worry.

Oh, no. Do you feel sick?

Yeah.

-But it's not the pakoras.

-What?

I think I'm making a terrible mistake.

Here, today, with all of this.

Jeez. You're just realising this now?

I've been thinking it for weeks.

-I hoped it was just nerves.

-It probably is.

The ganja's not helping.

Gitali is not my soulmate.

I think you are.

Dev, what are you doing?

I don't know. I'm sorry.

-It just felt so right.

-Why did you agree to marry Linda?

Typical bullshit. I was worried I was getting past it.

Pressure from my folks. I really did like her at first in India.

But she's changed.

I feel more connected to you just in these last few weeks.

KEBAB WOMAN: Yes!

Here's our plan B. She has two husband options now.

Oh my God, Dev. You're a "D".

-Linda was right.

-Don't start on that.

Just be real.

Look at the two of us.

We always get on.

You make me laugh.

We're both Punjabis.

It's the perfect match.

-You really feel that?

-Yeah.

My folks, they really like her.

Even like the fact that she's English.

-Because she's beautiful.

-And I'm not.

Yeah. No!

I mean I don't care... what you look like.

OK, forget that husband option.

Why say all this now?

You think I'm going to throw myself at some guy

who's going to break my best friend's heart?

INDISTINCT RECORDING PLAYS

'You think I'm going to throw myself at some guy

'who's going to break my best friend's heart?'

What is happening?

Googs.

What are you doing?

My iPhone's acting up. It turned itself on.

Why are you recording my conversation?

There goes the other husband option.

No, I wasn't. I had to make a phone call.

Are you still investigating me?

Roopi, let me explain.

You are. You're here undercover. Bugging my conversations.

And I thought we were actually having a nice time together.

How stupid am I?

-I was having a nice time.

-Stop it.

I really thought my luck had changed.

I thought I'd been through all the humiliation I possibly could.

You've taken it to an all-time low.

Thank you...

for reminding me that the only way someone like you

would ever go out with me is if he was forced to.

Roopi, wait. I don't want to marry Linda, I want to marry YOU!

EVERYONE GASPS

MUSIC DIES OUT

ROOM FALLS SILENT

-YELLS:

-No!

It's not true.

No!

So is this why you didn't want to set a wedding date?

Gitali, please.

Numerologist. Our charts, our foreheads, it's all just rubbish.

Maybe we make our own fate.

I'm sorry.

-No, ma'am, please.

-Linda. What are you doing?

No. He's not worth it.

Don't do this. Just hand it back to me. Linda.

Gitali.

Maybe we could sit down.

Have a drink, talk about this, huh?

No, Gitali.

Give... Give me the bowl.

Give me the bowl, Gitali.

Give me the bowl. Give me this.

EVERYONE EXCLAIMS

REVERBERATING SCREAM

DEEP RUMBLING

THUNDERCLAPS SCREAMING

Stop, Linda!

CORKS POPPING

ELECTRICAL PULSING

SPIRITS SCREAM

-DEV:

-No, Gitali.

SPIRITS SIGH AND GROAN

-LINDA:

-ROOPI!

It's OK.

He's not the one for you.

He's not good enough for my best mate Linda.

Gitali.

It's Linda.

I'm Linda.

-Yeah.

-I'm Linda.

-Linda.

MAN: Has she stopped?

-Feel a bit better now.

-Mm.

I could really do with a bath, actually.

It's a real mess in here, innit?

So, you got your cover blown.

-That's... That's genius.

-Please don't take me off the team.

Too late. Smythe's already done it. I need answers.

You let your feelings get in the way.

I'm going after Roopi now, like we should have done from the start.

Why don't we have the DNA results? They'd prove Roopi's innocence.

We've had them for days, they're negative.

What?

Don't go over there, Murthy.

Because the DNA didn't match doesn't mean she's not the murderer.

-You'll compromise our case.

-You should have told me.

I couldn't trust you.

You put her before the investigation.

He loves her. He's come back for her.

Googly?

Namaste, Aunty. I have to talk to Roopi.

Well done.

-Yes, come in. She's inside.

-Thank you.

Let them work it out.

-CURRY MAN:

-What's he up to?

Don't let him get in the way.

-KEBAB WOMAN: What's he doing, huh?

-Mr Nasty.

-I don't trust him.

-He's up to something.

What's he looking for?

He's going in the back.

ROLLING PIN WOMAN: Come quickly.

What are you doing?

This is my house. What are you doing here?

I'm stopping Murthy making the biggest mistake of his life.

-He keeps trying to protect her.

-He's proposing to her.

Ah, good.

-I can't let him marry a murderer.

-She's not a murderer.

-Now...!

-Please.

-Now, now, Mrs Sethi.

-Please let them be.

-Don't make me harm you.

-Calm down.

SPIRITS GASP

My God.

It's you.

Put down the shears.

-I don't want to harm you.

-Put down the shears.

Please.

HE GROANS

Look at that.

MILO BARKS

What happened? Where's Googly?

He asked me to marry him.

That is wonderful.

So why are you looking upset?

Because I said no.

-Why?

-Mum!

He was spying on me. He wanted to arrest me.

Tell her it was the other one that was after her.

He was trying to protect her.

-He was only trying to protect you.

-Why would you think that?

Because...his boss told me.

What?

When did you speak to his boss?

-They...took me for questioning.

-What?

-Why, Mum?

-Keep going, panji, keep going.

-Murthy loves her.

-Anyone can see that.

Help her see the truth.

Roopi.

Sometimes things don't always make sense.

But deep inside you know what's right and what's wrong.

Trust me, beti. Googly is the one for you.

Don't let him go or you will always regret it.

Googs!

TYRES SCREECH

Mazel tov.

-JAZZ:

-Mum!

-JAZZ:

-Mum!

-See, even fat people can find love.

-Of course.

-Why not?

-Why not?

-What's all the noise about?

-Your sister is getting married.

No way.

Come and see what's happening outside.

Cool, one minute. Stay there.

What's this?

I earned it DJ-ing. I've been saving it for Roopi's wedding.

Oh, my puta.

What are you crying for, Mum?

She's finally getting married.

MUSIC AND CHEERING

She looks beautiful.

Well, this whole thing is ridiculous.

I can't think of a worse motive in criminal history.

PEOPLE GASP CHATTER

Call a doctor!

MONITOR BEEPS