Revenge of the Bridesmaids

Turn!

Geez, look at me! And I thought my yearbook photo sucked.

And that's me. Man, that dress does not look good on anybody!

Turn!

Turn? What if I don't want to turn?

Who's going to turn me? You? Why don't you turn this?

Something you should know - I have a little problem with authority.

-Turn!

-In second grade, I told our music teacher Mrs Florentine that if she wanted us to sing like birds,

she should get some freakin' birds!

I laughed so hard, I peed, then we had to sit facing the corner during recess.

BOTH: We've been friends ever since.

And that's Rachel.

-Turn!

-Sweet Rachel.

The only nice one of the bunch of us.

I feel so bad we dragged her into this, but we did it all for her. Really we did.

That was the idea anyway.

-Maybe I'd better explain.

-We're bridesmaids.

Not the good kind who love the bride like a sister

and want to make her wedding the most special day ever. No.

We're more like the avenging angels

who are going to give you what's coming to you type of bridesmaids.

You're coming in in the middle of things, so maybe I should back up a bit, say, 20 years?

So you can meet the fourth member of our little sisterhood.

'This is where she lived.

'Still lives. It's such an amazing house, it has its own name - Bellefontaine.

'Caitlyn McNabb lives here with her mother and occasional stepfather.

'Oh, and servants, of course. You need servants when your house has its own zip code.

Bellefontaine is French for "my house is so much nicer than your house will ever be"!

'It's a good thing Caitlyn was an only child. She didn't do sharing very well.

'She was much better at taking, but we didn't mind.

'We were just little girls blinded by the magic of Bellefontaine.

'Could you blame us? There were tea parties on the lawn with home-made biscuits.

'And a secret staircase.

'You got to it from inside of this huge wardrobe.

-'And it led all the way to the back yard.'

-Coast's clear. Come on!

-'We felt so lucky to be there.

'And when we didn't, Caitlyn would remind us how lucky we were to be there.'

Eight, nine, ten. Ready or not, here I come!

'So then we play our own little version of hide-and-seek.'

Rachel! Abigail! Parker!

'And we called it "I know a place where Caitlyn can't find us".

'It was a pretty spot under a cherry tree, but then Rachel would feel guilty and we'd go back.'

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess...

'And listen to Caitlyn talk about Caitlyn.

'And make up stories... about Caitlyn.'

..and lived happily ever after.

'Her house, her rules, her ego.'

Yoo-hoo, here I come!

Wait. What's that?

-I'm the groom.

-No, you're all bridesmaids.

-There has to be a groom.

-No, it's my wedding. Mom!

-Your dress looks really pretty.

-Well, duh, of course it does! Mother!

'There she is, like most normal nine-year-olds, wearing a wedding dress.

'Right now, we're playing her favourite game - wedding. And we're losing.'

-Aagh!

-Honeybell, what? What are these girls doing to you?

-They're not listening.

-It's a wedding, Caitlyn. There has to be a groom.

My! Don't you think a lot?

-Doesn't there?

-Yes, technically, dear, but it's not very important.

Here, let's use this chair.

Thank you, Abigail.

There, isn't he handsome? And from a wealthy family, I understand.

-What a lovely bride!

-Thank you, Mother.

Come on, let's get on with the wedding.

GIGGLING

'This was our life with Caitlyn, pretty much through high school.

'She called the shots and we played the parts. Why?

'It's a small town. You take what you can get

'and in Lambert, Louisiana, we got Miss Caitlyn McNabb.

'After college, my folks moved out west and Parker and I both headed for New York.

'I got a book published. It sold OK, you know, for a first novel.

'The second one is coming along. Slowly. Very slowly.

'Meanwhile, Parker went the acting route.

'She did a bunch of plays off Broadway.

'Well, off...off...OFF Broadway!

'I mean, she was good. But we always kept in touch with Rachel who never left Lambert.

'She was going out with this guy Tony she was crazy about.

'And that seemed to be enough for her from what I knew.

'I don't get back home much. Parker goes back a lot. She actually likes her parents.

'That's how we ended up in Lambert last week -

'her parents' 30th anniversary and she dragged me along.

'Parker's dad was taking her mom on a cruise she had always wanted,

'but first, the mandatory party where every living relative can ask us why we aren't married or famous.'

Parker does plays in New York all the time, don't you, dear?

Oh, well, I, um... I audition all the time.

'This is why I don't get back much.'

Sometimes I get call-backs, which is sort of like a chance to audition again.

She is constantly in plays and she is fabulous.

Well, she gets that from me.

You've got to lie, tell 'em what they want to hear.

How about you, Abby? Have you got another book coming out?

Yes, she does. She has a huge book coming out, but she is sworn to secrecy by her publisher.

-Oh...

-You know, Mom, I'm going to go check my voicemail.

-Oh, is it about an audition?

-Maybe.

-Good luck!

-Knock 'em dead!

Great being home, isn't it? Surrounded by familiar faces that will never understand you!

-Air, I need air.

-You're outside.

-Air without relatives.

Oh, oh! Is that Parker Wald I see

and Abigail, no, Abigail Scanlon?!

-Oh, my God, it's Caitlyn. Run for your life.

-I can't. I'm in heels.

Oh, my goodness, get over here!

It has just been for ever.

Mother, Mother!

You remember Parker and Abigail?

Yes.

-Hey, Rach!

-Rachel, hey!

-Did you change your email? I've been trying to get hold of you.

-Sorry.

Oh, my goodness! Y'all don't even know why I'm here.

These are my bridesmaids.

Yeah, I'm getting married!

-To a groom or a chair?

-Oh, you and your little quips!

The wedding is in ten days and I so wanted to invite y'all,

but Mother said she couldn't find your addresses anywhere.

-If you called Parker's parents... 30 years in the same house?

-Mm-hm.

-I'm sure they could have told you.

Oh, gosh! Of course. Mother!

Goodness me! You're right.

-Next time, huh?

-Let me introduce you to everyone.

Rachel, you know, and these are my other super bridesmaids - Bitsy, Ashlie and Ashley.

They're both really named "Ashley".

-I spell it "ie" and she spells it "ey".

-Some people get confused.

-But not us. Right, Ash?

-You got it, Ash.

-GIGGLING

-Oh, my God!

Oh, look at that ring! Picture!

Rachel, you're a bridesmaid. I so wish I could come to the wedding and meet Tony.

-He's going to be there, right?

-Uh...yes.

Oh, is that him?

I recognise him from your photo box. Nice, sister!

There's our gorgeous groom!

Oh, Tony Bear! We have been waiting for you!

All right, bridesmaids, groomsmen, let's get this lunch moving.

Stop! Someone has a game he wants to catch at three!

Aw!

Excuse me for a moment.

- All right, y'all, let's go. - Oh, OK.

-Gregory dear...

-So good seeing y'all.

Close your mouths. Is Rachel an old friend of yours?

And I'm guessing you haven't talked to her in a while?

That's the Tony that Rachel went out with, although we can't officially acknowledge that ever happened.

You're Henry Kent. You used to have big ears and a slutty sister.

-I grew into my ears and I'll tell Carol you said "hi".

-Thank you.

-I don't remember you.

-Really? We only had Bio together twice and I asked you to prom.

-What?

-No, I'm just kidding. I was two years older and I spent most of high school tripping over my ears.

So you still live in Lambert?

-Yes, I still live in Lambert.

-Sorry, I didn't mean it like that.

-Yeah, you did.

-Yeah, you did. Let's find Rach.

-See you around.

-Bye.

-Cute!

-I know.

-Now, you two just have to stay for the wedding.

-We would love to, but I have this big audition.

-And I have to re-curl my weave.

-Listen to you!

Y'all know you want to come to this wedding and Mother and I would just adore to have you. Mother!

Have a safe trip back!

-Well, we would. Please think about it.

-OK.

-OK.

Just...let's go find Rachel.

-SOBBING

-Rach? Rachel!

-Rachel, honey, are you in there?

-It's OK. I'm doing fine.

-You have been dating Tony for ever. What happened?

-Yeah, why the hell didn't you call us?

-You'd have been mad and yelled at me.

-You're damn right!

-She stole him from you, didn't she?

-No, Caitlyn's a good friend.

-She asked me to be her bridesmaid.

-And why did you say yes?

-Because I was brought up well.

-Oh, what are you going to do?

I'll put on that ugly fuchsia dress and march in that bridal procession

and show the whole world that I'm completely and totally over Tony Penning.

Oh, my God! STARTS SOBBING

-That's an airtight plan(!)

-LAUGHTER

Holy smokes!

-What's wrong?

-Um...you know what?

Rachel just found out that she signed up for a phone plan that doesn't have texting.

Three years, no refund.

-You should have asked me.

-Yeah, Ashley knows all the phone plans.

I do, but Ashlie knows where to find the best frozen yogurt anywhere.

-So wait, let me get this straight. One of you guys fills in what the other one doesn't know?

-Mm-hm.

-That's pretty awesome.

-THEY GIGGLE

Can you believe Caitlyn?

-Poor Rachel.

-I know.

-It's crazy.

-Tell me about it.

Lou, I still need the big suitcase.

That's why I'm getting it.

-What could Tony possibly see in Caitlyn?

-Boobs. He's a guy.

-It's a business transaction.

-A business transaction?

-I really shouldn't say anything.

-Have some wine, Lou.

-Did you hear something down at the bank?

Daddy?

Well, three months ago, Olivia put Bellefontaine up for sale.

-What?

-Olivia ran through a third husband's money and was having trouble finding number four.

-Gold-digging is a young person's game.

-And Tony's family, loaded.

-A day after the engagement, Olivia took the place off the market.

-Lou!

Sex for money? I see traditional marriage is alive and well!

-Poor Rachel. We should tell her.

-Tell her a she-witch stole the love of her life? She knows that!

But it's wrong, it's evil. We can't just drop it like...

-PHONE RINGS

-It's my agent. I've got to take it.

Hello...? Oh, hey, Alice.

The audition, I almost forgot about it! When do they want to see me?

Oh. OK, I see.

Not even... OK.

Love you too.

Good news?

Not even a reading, nothing. The play was flawed. The female characters were underwritten.

-It wasn't even worth my time.

-You wanted it bad.

-So much.

-Here, babe, take this. I'll get more for me.

'How was I supposed to know, silly? A girl's not a mind-reader!'

-How could Rachel and Tony have mucked this up? They were perfect for each other.

-You never met him.

I'm highly intuitive. They were meant for each other and now Tony's marrying Caitlyn.

Rachel will have her heart broken for ever.

3,000 years of watching romantic comedies and it's just one big lie!

The couple stumbles around for two hours

and five minutes before the end, they realise they're meant to be together.

That is not how life works. Action movies have it right.

-You hate action movies.

-I hate them because they're right.

In action movies, a psychopath takes 25 sweet people hostage and he'll kill them all, then Bruce Willis...

-Or Denzel.

-Also good. Puts together an elite SWAT team of Navy SEALs and they do what has to be done.

They wipe out the henchmen, the psychopath dies a spectacular death and the sweet people go free.

That's what you need to make love work - a ruthless SWAT team with guns.

-Gavin hasn't called?

-No, he went to LA with his cute scene partner

that he swears he's not sleeping with. Ha!

-You should not date actors.

-Who else do I meet?

-You met that cute guy Henry and he liked you.

No, he did not like me.

OK, yeah, he did like me, but he is a trap. There's 300 of 'em in every home town.

A nice, regular guy, unpretentious.

You go out on one date and you wake up ten years later with six kids, a fat ass and ugly, pink sweatpants.

You like him! You really, really like him!

-I do, do not!

-What will you do when he calls?

Nice guys don't call me. Just selfish actors who screw their scene partners!

-What will we do about Rachel?

-I say get a SWAT team and break up Caitlyn and Tony.

-OK, no more wine for you.

No, I'm serious. That's what Will Smith, Matt Damon or any of those hot action guys would have done.

We sneak into the compound, we bust stuff the hell up!

What will we do? Disguise ourselves as German officers?

Exactly.

All right, what the hell are you talking about?

I'm saying we wear the uniform of the enemy - bridesmaids.

-She already has her bridesmaids.

-Two of them have a little accident.

If anyone deserves to be knocked down a couple of pegs, it's Caitlyn.

Rachel had one thing she loved in life and Caitlyn took it. Are you going to let her get away with that?

Do you really think we could take down Caitlyn and stop this wedding?

We can do anything because we are sophisticated babes from New York or as Miss Olivia would put it,

"You girls are just a little too thinky."

All right, I'm starting to like it.

-Caitlyn is going down.

-Yes!

-The thinky girls are back.

-Yes.

-To love.

-To Rachel.

-To the defeat of the Third Reich!

Hmm! Girls, you are so right. This is the best frozen yogurt in all of Lambert.

Told you.

Aren't you glad you called us?

So glad.

We owe you, Ashleys. We really owe them.

Yeah, but what can we give them that they don't have?

Hmm...

Well, how is it going up at the house?

Are you guys getting along with Olivia?

-It's OK.

-Yeah, not so bad.

Ashleys, come on. We're yogurt pals now. Share.

We can't do anything right. She's always on our case and she treats us like we're big dopes.

Can you believe that?

-This is how we can help them.

-You mean our secret Olivia tip?

You're right. Yeah, she always liked us.

-Really?

-You have to understand. Olivia is under a lot of pressure right now with the wedding.

-Uh-huh.

-Is she drinking?

-Yes, constantly.

-That's what happens.

-When she's drinking, tell her to slow down.

Like in front of everybody?

That's the only way it works.

What we used to do is count her drinks, then we'd let her know.

-She'd always thank us in the morning.

-We could do that.

-Yeah.

-Do it. You'll be golden.

-How's the frozen yogurt?

-It's really cold. If I eat it too fast, my brain freezes.

How can you tell?

-The trap is set.

-Their poor frozen brains never stood a chance.

You pick up a few skills in the big city, how the world works.

Oh, my God, they're towing my mom's car! No! Hey!

Hey, what are you doing?

-Where did that come from?

-It's been up there for about three years.

Well, we didn't know because we don't live here any more. We live in New York City.

Hey, Dougie.

-How's it goin'?

-Livin' the dream, Henry. How about you?

-I'm good. Can you give me a sec?

-There's your boy.

-OK.

-INAUDIBLE CONVERSATION

My mistake. It turns out you can park here if you're back in town for your parents' anniversary.

-So cute.

-OK.

-I mean...

So cute!

-Hey.

-Hi.

I think I lost something somewhere. I'm going to go...look for it in case I did.

I like your friend.

How did you do that?

I pulled a thorn out of his paw a few years back or I'm a cop and he owes me a favour.

You're a cop?!

Wow, that sounded awful. I'm... Let me try that again.

So you're in law enforcement? That sounds like very important work.

That wasn't much better either.

I like seeing you rattled. It's cute.

-So, listen, Parker...

-Look, I think you're really nice and I so appreciate what you just did.

-But it wouldn't be smart for us...

-Take it easy. Nobody's asking anybody out.

Just be sure you read all of our small town parking signs

and have yourself a safe trip back to the big city.

OK?

That's it?

My mother's great-grandfather built Bellefontaine with his own two hands.

Mr Woodward, it would be such an honour to have it grace the cover of your magazine.

I'm just writing the article. I can't guarantee you a cover.

There are no weight restrictions on the brides you feature.

That gown took all the lace in England that year.

That's the Governor's niece.

She has a lovely complexion. Hmm!

Hmm, did you know, Mr Woodward, that all the bridesmaids are living at Bellefontaine up until the wedding?

And staying at such a magnificent home, why, it's like living in a fairyland!

THEY GIGGLE

- Now you. - Oh, yes.

You know all the girls are staying right here at Bellefontaine up until the wedding?

- I said that part. - And, um...

- Snow globe. - Yes.

This home is so beautiful. It's like an idyllic scene in a snow globe.

Oh, that is so sweet of you to say!

-More sherry, anyone?

-Yes, precious, I believe I will.

Number three.

- Pardon? - That's your third glass of sherry.

It's her fourth. She had a little nip in the kitchen.

But I think that was Scotch.

-What are you doing?

-Helping.

You're under a lot of pressure and we don't want you to get hammered like Wednesday night.

-When you fell in the duck pond.

-And told the gardener your hedge needed trimming.

-So we'll be counting your drinks every day.

-And night when you really go to town.

How thoughtful of you(!)

CAITLYN LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

I think those girls gave us bad advice.

Boy, I think you're right.

Well, apparently, some of Caitlyn's old rivals were pulling some silly sorority stunt.

Thank you, Mr Woodward. I knew you'd understand.

So we'll see you and your photographer tomorrow morning.

Wonderful. OK. Bye now.

Oh, Momma, fantastic news! Abby and Parker have changed their plans.

Because of me, they're going to stay in town for the wedding. Isn't that just the best?

-Hmm.

-We'll sit in the back. We'll not make a peep.

-We don't need to be in the photos.

-It's not like we're bridesmaids or anything.

-Oh, gosh!

Light bulb! What if you were bridesmaids?

-No...

-It would...

-Yes!

-It would be a dream come true.

-Yeah.

-Caitlyn, may I have a word with you?

-They are not bridesmaid material.

-Mom, it's OK.

-Listen.

-It's my wedding and I want my bridesmaids.

-Momma has something to say.

-Yes.

Um...

Mother?

We would be honoured if you would...

Oh, for God's sakes! You're my new bridesmaids!

-No way?

-Yes!

THEY SHOUT EXCITEDLY

OK, here we are.

God, cherubs?!

There's something I've learned in life. You can never have too many cherubs.

All right, Sarge, we're behind enemy lines. What's next?

-Why are you asking me?

-You're the plotter.

Didn't Publishers Weekly call you inventive? "Abigail Scanlon is in full command of her narrative."

I will give you that one. All right, break up the couple, break up the wedding couple...

Oh, I got it! You sleep with the groom.

Yeah, we help our friend Rachel by ME sleeping with the love of her life(!)

Hey, I never said there wouldn't be any casualties.

Oh! You sleep with Caitlyn.

-Why do all of your plans have me sleeping with someone? Is this how you see me?

-A little bit.

If Tony is like most guys, me and Caitlyn in bed together will not be a deal-breaker. Where's Rachel?

-Probably in the "ha-ha, stole your boyfriend" room!

-No, she's in the Persimmon Room.

-How do you know?

It's here under "room assignments" in The Bridesmaids' News.

Of course. An in-home published newspaper about your very own wedding.

Guess who made the cover? Caitlyn! I think we're over-thinking this.

Let's just get Rachel and Tony back together.

We can fix her up a bit, boost her confidence and throw them in a room together.

They were cooking before. Turn up the flame, then I do not have to sleep with anyone.

Are you OK with that? Oh, behold, the Persimmon Room.

Rachel!

What are you guys doing here? How did you get in?

-We're the new bridesmaids.

-Really? Does Olivia know?

Yes, she does. Is there something wrong with your room, girls?

No, I just wanted to check out the Persimmon Room.

-It's clearly stated in the newsletter that lights out is 11pm.

-A curfew?

-Are you kidding me?

-By which she means "yes, ma'am".

Good night then, Rachel.

-Good night.

-Good night.

-So it's off to bed.

-Mm-hm.

I know why you're here. I know exactly what you are planning.

-You think being a bridesmaid is a little game. You're here to laugh at our expense.

-No.

-We take what we're doing here very seriously.

-Yeah, like, um... Like we're on a mission or something.

This wedding is in eight days.

I expect you to honour the sacred trust that Caitlyn has bestowed upon you.

We do understand each other, don't we?

-Yeah.

-Good. Well, I'm glad we've had this little talk.

Now you two girls get to bed.

You need your beauty sleep. Especially you, Abigail.

No, no, no. Hold it right there.

DOOR OPENS, CAITLYN SINGS CHEERILY

Rise and shine, sleepy heads! Extra, extra, read all about it!

Y'all have made the front page. Look, "old pals join bridal fun - Caitlyn tickled pink".

Breakfast is in half an hour on the east porch, then at eight o'clock, it is time to turn on the charm

because Wedding Belles Of The South magazine will be here for interviews and photos. Then at 11, get ready!

MIMICS DRUMROLL

Your first dress fitting! There's so much more after that. Y'all need to get moving. Let's go! Bye!

If she keeps this up, this is going to need an obituary page.

Well, being selected as Caitlyn's maid of honour is so completely the most important thing

that has ever happened in my entire...

..life!

I'm sorry. It's ever since we were freshmen rushes at Gamma Kappa...

..Caitlyn and I have been like sisters. More than sisters.

We're like two big halves of one big Siamese twin.

The funny thing is, she's happier than we are.

-Good morning, ladies.

-Hey!

-Oh, OK.

OK, girls! The better the interviews, the more likely we are to get the cover.

-I hope you're thinking of colourful anecdotes.

-That's what we're doing.

I tried a couple of jokes on the butler. Freakin' killed!

Oh, Abigail, you are just a regular old Dane Cook sometimes.

But seriously, when it's your turn to be interviewed, no frowny faces,

no sassy attitude and remember, you are the bridal support.

-And none of that other thing you do!

-You mean sarcasm?

-None of that.

-I could never be sarcastic with you.

-Thank you.

-Here we are, ladies.

Eggs Benedict with a rasher of Applewood smoked bacon for Miss Parker

and for Miss Abigail, spelt toast, dry, and soy bacon bits.

Did somebody eat it already?

I'll take care of this. Abigail, our bridesmaids' dresses aren't going to impress in the plus sizes

and with a little work, you could lose ten pounds this week.

-If you cut off my leg!

-It's not just diet. We're bringing in a personal trainer for you. And trust me.

She is a miracle worker.

-I need a miracle?

-You don't want to hear this, but this is the best Eggs Benedict I've ever had!

We've been best friends since kindergarten - Abigail, Parker and Caitlyn.

We used to play wedding right there on that lawn.

- And now it's a real wedding. - Yes, it is.

When you see Caitlyn and Tony together, bride and groom, how does that make you feel?

Um...

I'm so sorry.

What a sweet, dear friend she is!

-Rachel!

-Rach!

-Rachel!

Rach!

They used to run after each other like that when they were children. Such memories!

-Rach!

-Rachel! Rachel!

-SOBBING

-Rachel!

-Rachel!

-Slow down!

-Rachel!

-Rachel!

-Rach!

Rach!

How are those Eggs Benedict treating you right now, huh?

I figured they'd ask me about Caitlyn, but I did not think they would ask me about Tony.

-It's going to be OK. We're going to fix everything.

-Excuse me!

We're trying to have a conversation. Can you wrap it up?

Thank you. You're a prince.

-What do you mean, you'll fix everything?

-That's why the Ashleys are gone.

-You did that?

-Yes.

-We'll help you get Tony back, so spruce it on up, girl!

-He'll fall in love with you all over again.

-No, he can't.

-Yes, he can.

-They have to get married.

-Whose side are you on?

-It's a secret. I'm not supposed to tell anyone.

-Spill it.

-Caitlyn's pregnant.

What?

And it's Tony's.

So they have to get married.

That sweet little baby cannot grow up without a daddy.

It always felt weird with me and Tony's family.

They think anybody who isn't rich like them is a gold-digger, but that isn't me.

-We know, honey.

-They made me feel so uncomfortable.

Then one day, Tony made this joke about how I liked their big sail boat and I lost it.

I said, "If that's what you think I am, we should break up right now."

I didn't mean it. I was just upset and mad.

When I finally got the nerve to call and say I was sorry, somebody else had swooped in and grabbed him.

Let me guess - our lifelong friend Caitlyn.

-Yeah, she threw herself at him.

-Under him more likely!

-He only slept with her once, but that was enough.

-Mm-hm.

-Yeah, just like my mom always said.

-How do you know she was pregnant?

-She told me. She said she went to Dr Wallach. They did a test - baby.

So now they have to get married.

Tony's doing the right thing.

He always does the right thing.

Except playing that game of happy-slappy with Caitlyn!

Promise me you will not break up this wedding. Promise?

-Fine.

-All right, we promise.

You know what, that gold-digger is pregnant and it's a shotgun wedding?

This marriage gets more traditional all the time!

What are we going to do?

Caitlyn, if I'm going to stage this, we need the groom and his groomsmen.

Your mother never kept her husbands for very long,

but she knew how to get them to show up on time for all their rehearsals.

Thank you, Charlotte. SIREN WAILS

Got your groom, ma'am.

Sorry we're late. Four guys trying on tuxes, you can't pull them away.

Settle down. Now, first thing, we need to match our groomsmen with our bridesmaids for the processional.

We'll do this by height because this day is all about aesthetics.

OK...

Hi.

You had me at "hello".

Oh, um...

I didn't say "hello".

-Gary, in heels, she's going to be a lot taller.

-Yeah, Gary, he's right.

I think I'm the girl for you. Plus, I'm just dazzled by a guy that can rock plaid, so...

Hmm.

I'm kind of surprised to see you two here instead of Team Ashley.

They had to present a big paper at MIT and Caitlyn asked us to fill in.

You do know that I'm a detective for a living?

Then I'm not answering any more questions without a lawyer.

-Even if I invite you to dinner?

-I can't.

We're on lockdown here. No dinners out, no men upstairs.

Too bad. I'm just trying to get a little background on the woman I'm walking down the aisle with.

New York actress.

Gone next Monday.

BELL RINGS You two, let's go!

Plenty of time to hit on her when you're tanked at the reception.

Thank you.

Oh, dear. I don't know.

Livvy, the dress was made for one of those shapely Ashley girls you discarded.

This bony child has no rump at all. Where's your bottom, dear?

Charlotte, this girl is as good as we can get. We're just going to have to soldier on.

Pin, my dear, till your hands bleed.

Uh...hey!

Excuse me. I don't think this dress fits anybody.

-Oh, a woman built to bear children.

-Excuse me?

If only we could transplant some of your womanly abundance to the one built like a little boy.

A boy? Have you not seen these babies?

She's going to lose ten pounds by the wedding.

-Why don't you try to alter the dresses instead of the bridesmaids?

-Abigail, dear Abigail!

You'll be standing in front of hundreds of people next Saturday.

You don't want them recalling that hateful nickname they had for you. What was it again?

Flabigail!

Young people can be so cruel.

SHE SIGHS

Soup?

Are you frickin' kidding me?

I figured I'd find you down here.

They moved everything.

Everything!

This cabinet? This cabinet used to be full of cookies. Always.

Even the Little Debbie cakes with the pink wrapper. I could count on it.

Now she's starving me for 24 hours and what does she give me in my happy cabinet?

A frickin' can of tomato soup!

You know what?

Fine!

Hmm...

It's not that bad.

-I can buy you a round?

-No.

Flabigail...

-She really put the knife in on that one.

-Pull it right back out. She was just trying to get to you.

-One word and that sad 12-year-old girl was back.

-Now you're beautiful and a successful New York writer.

Who's hitting her head up against a wall because she has not one idea for her second novel. Nothing.

I'm blocked. I'm spent.

I am a has-been after one book!

-Cold spaghetti?

-Give it to me!

-Hmm...

-Mm-hm?

-Uh-uh.

Remember when we used to sneak down that secret passageway and make snacks for movie night?

Always the same snacks, right? It was s'mores and pink lemonade.

-And always the same movie.

-An Officer And A Gentleman!

For two years, that's the only movie Caitlyn would ever let us watch.

Oh, my God, that's it!

Caitlyn's not pregnant. Ready?

Officer And A Gentleman, Lisa Eilbacher pretended to be pregnant so that David Keith would marry her.

Caitlyn is Lisa Eilbacher. It's so obvious.

She went to Dr Wallach. She got a test.

I don't think she did. I think Caitlyn is lying.

-You might need a little proof.

-I'll get you some proof, Miss Sceptical No Butt!

We move at dawn. Let's get going. We need our sleep. Let's go. And I need my spaghetti.

Oh, yeah!

Oh!

Well, good morning, bridesmaids. What are you ladies up to?

-We were just going to go into town.

-Yeah, I need to run an errand.

-Miss Olivia doesn't like people doing their own thing.

-I need tampons.

Well, have a good day.

Bye!

Hi. How are you?

Come on.

Hi. We're here from, uh...

-Filex Cabinets.

-Uh-huh.

Yes, you obviously got the recall notice.

-The what?

-The recall notice, sweetheart. Don't you read the news?

A lot of our filing cabinets have been collapsing. The titanium brackets have too much alloy.

Yeah, way too much!

-These cabinets were purchased after 1970?

-I started here in June.

Then we need to check those, don't we?

-DOOR BUZZES

-OK.

-I'm going to pick a file at random.

-How about M?

-M, middle letter. Very wise.

-But...

-Oh, my God, those glasses are so cute!

-Thank you.

-They must have been really expensive.

-No, I bought them online - 20 dollars.

Get out of here!

Would it be OK if I tried them on?

Oh...

Thanks.

Oh, wow, they're so comfy! How do I look?

Blurry. I can't see a thing without my glasses!

Have you ever tried contacts

because, you know, your eyes are really pretty?

Oh, I did, but don't they hurt?

Beauty is pain, girlfriend!

Oh, she's pregnant!

That's just an expression that we use to mean that this cabinet is crazy full and it's about to go,

-so we need to get that report in right away.

-Absolutely.

-Here are your glasses.

-Thank you.

Stay clear of those.

THEY LAUGH

Lab report with urine test - McNabb, comma Caitlyn, bun in oven.

What about Officer And A Gentleman?

Just like every other romantic movie, OK? It let us down.

ALL: Hmm!

That was the orange ginger.

Bitsy, don't copy off me!

I wasn't!

Girls, do I have to separate you two?

This next one is red velvet. Very daring for a wedding.

-What do you think, honey?

-It's really good. I like it.

Men! Put food in their mouths and that's all they need.

Not all. At least not in my experience.

Which is no doubt extensive.

You like it? Sweetheart, that's what you said about the last three.

I like cake. All cake.

Cake and me, we just get along.

Tony Bear...

Participate! Come on, we need an opinion from the groom.

Look, Caitlyn, I'm doing what everybody wants here. It's just cake.

-Yes, you do like milk with your cake. Why don't you go get some milk, hmm?

-I think I will.

He's just getting some milk.

Well, if he's going to have milk, I think we should all have a sherry.

Hmm.

Oh! Uh...

Sorry. Bye.

Rach!

Don't go.

It's OK. We can be in the same room together.

No, I don't think we can.

Do you hate me that much?

Is that what you think?

I'm trying not to think any more.

Just doing what I have to do.

One stupid mistake and I'm going to be paying for it for the rest of my life.

I miss you.

So much.

And...

-I'm the one who messed this up. And I wish I could go back, but it's too late.

-Rachel...

I love you.

-I always will.

-I love you, too.

There's not much we can do about it, though.

It's just nice to know.

< Tony Bear! This carrot cake is to die for!

And then we both said we still love each other.

-I haven't been this happy in months. Isn't it wonderful?

-No, it's not wonderful.

It's the opposite of wonderful. He's marrying someone else. Caitlyn McNabb!

The great biotch of biotches!

Hey, Parker, there's some little kids playing outside. Go tell them they're all going to die some day.

What are we doing here? Seriously? We're miserable.

-We should crash the gate and go.

-No! If you all left, I'd be a mess.

We don't want that to happen, do we?

-Go wash your face.

-OK.

-We cannot leave her.

-We can't break up a wedding if we can't break up the couple!

Don't worry. I will find a way. Why? Because I am Abigail Scanlon, master of the narrativitah!

-I thought you were blocked and a has-been.

-Not yet. I will figure this out.

I'm sorry.

Let's see...

You got something for Tony, but nothing for me.

Come on!

Harder and higher!

Come on, no resting!

Hey, you. We need a ring bearer, not a clown. You're not to smile.

-This is not about you.

-Mom!

-You...

-Here!

Right now... Good!

Come back here!

-Let's go!

-All right!

-Time's a-wasting.

Well, I think we finally have an arrangement that works for everybody. Thank you.

Yes, you are a genius.

ALL SCREAM

Oh...

Was that something important?

Some candid pics of fun with my bridesmaids. The big pillow fight.

-I hate pillow fights.

-Oh, don't be a big puss!

Abigail...easy.

Ah...

Ouch!

Help!

We're having so much fun!

Ooh, we get a choice. At 8pm, scrapbooking in Caitlyn's room,

Sleepless In Seattle in the den or making popcorn balls.

-How about I jump out of the window?

-Parker, you ditched I Love The '80s karaoke two nights in a row.

-You can't sit in here and mope all night.

-Amazingly, I can.

Seriously, come on, get up. Don't leave Rachel suffering out there by herself.

-Fine, but I hate you.

-PHONE RINGS

-Henry Kent.

-You look cute. Answer it.

Yes?

Yeah, hi. It's Henry Kent.

-Small-town police detective.

-Oh, hi.

-Very casual. Nice.

-I know that it's a long shot and it's tough getting out...

-Dinner? Yes, absolutely.

-Well, great.

-How about Crawdads in 20 minutes? It's still there?

-It was this morning.

See you there.

# I have a date, I have a date I have a date... #

Fine. But I hate you back.

Do that move again.

Yay! Abigail's here!

-Yay!

-Yay!

# But I have a date! #

If you hadn't called me, right now I'd be pasting baby pictures of Caitlyn.

-They're pretty hardcore, huh?

-We wear matching pyjamas.

-Ooh.

I'm still a little curious as to why you stuck around town.

-You quickly ruled out interest in me.

-We're worried about Rachel. She's not over Tony.

It's sort of a sensitive area for a friend of the groom.

Sorry. Want to change the subject?

Nah, I know why they're really getting married.

-Secretly pregnant bride. What a cliche.

-What?!

-She's pregnant?

-Oh, no. Please don't tell anyone I told you that.

It's OK, cos I'm joking. Everybody knows.

I'm serious. The bus boy knows.

-Javier, who's pregnant?

-Miss Caitlyn.

All right. Well, I... I told you about Rachel. So what's Tony's story?

Tony's a stand-up guy. He's doing what he has to do.

-But is he happy about it?

-Um, let's see...

No.

When he found out she was pregnant, he put his first through a wall. But he realised this is Louisiana.

It's 1870. And the options are get married or get married now.

-So he's biting his lip and taking his punishment.

-One big misery-fest.

Yeah. In fact, I'd probably have to say that meeting you is the only good thing to come from it.

Henry, I leave for New York the day after the wedding and I don't sleep with a guy for three weeks and...

-Parker?

-Yeah?

-It's just dinner.

Although if I happen to find myself in New York in exactly three weeks...

Hey! How was the date with the cop? Did he frisk you? Did he find anything?

-It was awful.

-I'm sorry, sweetheart.

-No, he's great.

Possibly better than great. And he likes me. Oh, God.

-Why not stick around and see what happens?

-I live in New York City. My career is there.

I didn't tell you, but my agent dumped me yesterday in an email which she signed "love".

So I'm going home to nothing and leaving this adorable guy here.

Olivia has me so carb-starved if you spot a Kaiser roll, I'd eat it in three bites.

Which of us is more pathetic?

-We were scrapbooking last night and I got all these paper cuts.

-We have a winner.

What a super morning it is! I just saw a red bird outside.

You know, Bitsy, I hope we all stay in touch when this week is over.

-Girls, breakfast is on the patio.

-Is Caitlyn out there?

No, our bride is not at all well.

I thought I heard her throwing up.

-These things happen.

-Morning sickness(!)

-Yeah.

Or somebody was up late last night doing mucho mucho tequila shots.

-Pregnant girls don't do tequila shots.

-Unless they're not pregnant.

Bitsy, you need to tell us the truth.

-Uh-uh.

-It'll be much easier on you if you just talk.

-Anything yet?

-No.

Not gonna happen.

Oh, what is this?

Oooh.

-Those are mine! Where did you get those?

-From your room. Cashmere?

-I think so.

-And not a spot on it.

-Shame if anything happens to it.

-Don't you dare!

-Mm!

-What have you got there, Abigail?

-Just a few things that can spill.

Like...marinara sauce.

Club soda gets it right out.

-Soy sauce.

-White vinegar and peroxide!

Ah, well, look what I have here.

Fruit preserves. And I think that's... Yeah. That's blueberry.

You wouldn't...!

-She's not pregnant! She never was! Please don't hurt my sweaters!

-What about the pregnancy test?

That was my sister's urine. Muffy married an Irish Catholic guy. She's always pregnant.

Caitlyn asked me to get a cup of her pee, so I did.

Please don't tell her I blabbed. Gamma Kappa Nus forever.

It's OK, Bitsy.

-It's over.

-Can I go now?

-Sure.

I can't believe it. Caitlyn lied about being pregnant to trick Tony into marrying her?

That bi... That b...

-Say it.

-It'll make you feel good.

-I can't. THAT BITCH!

VOICE ECHOES

-Careful, sweetheart! Don't hurt yourself!

-Sorry.

-This changes everything.

-We've got to tell Tony.

-Yeah, we have to.

When?

How about right now?

-He's here. We'll distract Caitlyn and you go tell Tony.

-I don't think I can.

-After what she did to you?!

Yeah, you're right. I'll tell him. I have to.

OK.

Here goes. I'm taking my life back.

Wish me luck!

Bye! Have fun!

Be careful. Don't you do anything I wouldn't do.

Oh, isn't that cute? They're going on a canoe trip.

Male bonding. Three days in the woods. No laptops, no cellphones.

-No strippers, thank you very much.

-When will they be back?

-Right before the wedding.

All he has to do is shave and put on a tux. Men are not very complicated.

I got it! Why don't we find out what river they're on,

rent a canoe and some maps and stuff and just hunt 'em down?

Excellent. A plan that utilises our vast wilderness skillset.

-What have you got?

-A headache. And I'm hungry, too.

-Careful now!

-Is that Caitlyn's dress?

-I was at the fitting. It's an absolutely beautiful gown.

-Do you realise what we're trying to do here?

-You're right. I...

-It's not your fault.

-We have to bring this wedding to its knees

-and it's not going to be pretty.

-We might need an actual plan.

MUFFLED SCREAM

No-o-o-o! No!

No, no, no, no, no! Mother!

NO-O-O-O-O!

-It's wrong! It's all wrong!

-Caitlyn, honey! What's all wrong? What's the matter?

-Calm down.

-I will not! Those idiots, they ruined it. Look!

-What am I looking at?

My mother is blind! Look - it's summer pearl.

And what colour did I specify?

Burnished eggshell!

It's true. I was there. It was lovely.

Are you kidding me?

-It's ruined. The wedding is ruined.

-Oh, honey belle, we've got time. We can fix it.

I'll get on the phone to Jean Louis.

Oh, well. You better. You promised me.

Every detail of this wedding has to be exactly right.

I am only marrying this guy because of all the money you went through.

I don't mind a loveless marriage, but I will not tolerate anything less than a perfect wedding.

-If it is not the wedding I want, I am not walking down your aisle. Period.

-It'll be perfect.

It'll be perfectly perfect.

Man, she'll be ashamed if anything happened in the next couple of days that make this less than perfect.

Ooh, I just got chills.

Yes, is this the florist in charge of the McNabb wedding?

-Who am I?

-Caitlyn.

-Be Caitlyn.

-Well, this is Miss Caitlyn McNabb, bride to be.

I'd like to make a few changes...

-I would never order lilies. Ever since I was six years old...

-They make her eyes water.

I get awful hives all over my body. Mother! I need my ointment!

A white tent is just so blah. I wondered if you had anything a little bit more playful.

-Yes! Something a little bit more playful.

-A bouncy castle is not what I dreamed about.

Where is my white tent?

We'll find it, baby.

Pop the damn thing, Blutman! Pop it!

Are you the woman in charge of the ice sculptures in my Caitlyn's wedding?

Mother!

What is it now?

What, honey belle? Is there some little something they got wrong?

- That's not so little. - It's supposed to be Baby Cupid.

-Not some aroused satyr!

-Guests could hang their umbrellas.

-That's the biggest one I've ever seen.

-I can't do this any more.

Honey belle, breathe. It'll be OK.

Breathe. Momma is gonna take care of it. OK?

Breathe. Momma is gonna take care of it.

Oh, my. Don't you girls look just lovely? Even you, Abigail.

-Oh, Miss Olivia. If you had wings, you'd be an angel.

-Mm.

-Or a nasty-ass dragon.

-I heard that.

-Mm.

Everything's coming along nicely, dear. I've seen the new cherubs and they're sweet as pie.

And the flowers! The flowers. Roses and roses, as far as the eye can see.

What about the cake? The one that says, "Mazel tov, Bernie and Agnes,

"on 50 fabulous years"?

-Just a bad memory.

-I'm not feeling happy, Mother.

A bride should be happy the day before her wedding.

More shoulders. Relax, darling.

Mother has everything under control.

Everything.

LAUGHTER

Go, go, go, go, go!

I just heard them talking. Caitlyn is so completely frazzled!

She's going to go over the edge!

-Who wants the honours?

-Me, please!

Come on, Rachel! Come on!

-Let's go, Rachel! Who stole your man, Rachel?

-Take that, you slimebag man stealer!

SQUEALING WITH DELIGHT

ALL: Whoo!

You see, Caitlyn. As I suspected, your dear old friends have been behind all of it.

Detective, we can hand this over to you now. Theft, destruction of property, malicious mischief.

- Do you need more? - No, that's plenty.

Oh, and by the way,

that dress was just a decoy.

The real one is safely locked away.

OK, I got to read you your rights.

Wait.

Wait.

And you call yourselves... bridesmaids.

You're a disgrace to the name.

And not worthy of the dresses you wear.

And after everything I did for you.

Turn.

So we all thought you groom's men were on this big canoe trip.

I couldn't get off work. I wish I was there, though.

Next!

Hey, how you doing? Can I get more of a flattering light?

Thank you so much(!)

Turn.

-Don't judge us. You don't know the whole story.

-Stop talking until you get a lawyer.

-We had to do something.

-Stop.

Please.

Hey, Parker! Let's take a picture together.

-You know, Miss Wald, you're fully entitled to an attorney.

-I know.

But I'm not arguing with you. We did all these things.

-Plus a few more things.

-You really want to wait for an attorney.

-It was the right thing to do!

Henry, you're listening, right?

I can tell that you're there.

Close.

What choice did we have? Caitlyn's not pregnant. She lied.

How about that? And why? Because Miss Olivia ran out of money.

She doesn't want to lose her big house and ten closets of clothes. Caitlyn doesn't even love Tony.

We heard her say it.

But Rachel...

Rachel does love Tony.

And he loves her and you know that. And this sham of a wedding is going to happen tomorrow

if somebody doesn't stop it.

Come on, Henry.

This is about love.

Don't you care about love?

Oh, boy...

I kind of thought you did.

I kind of thought...

that's the guy you are.

Oh... Do you know how much I've been thinking about you the past three days?

I'm so glad this glass is here because...I would never have the nerve to tell you how I feel.

Over the past couple of days,

I've been thinking to myself, what if I didn't go back to New York?

What if I stuck around here for a while? What would life be like with a guy like Henry?

Well, not a guy like Henry.

Henry.

Oh, God...

Um, Detective,

I'm thinking this one's yours.

I kind of heard everything you just said. You're very...

-..persuasive.

-And we can prove everything, Henry.

-No, not about that. What you said about...

me and you.

-I'm crossing so many professional lines here.

-You're a good person.

-I need to be a good cop.

-You believe what I said, right?

-About me and you or the other one?

I was kind of hoping both.

Where are we, Henry?

-How did you do it?

-Hm?

-How did you get Henry to spring us?

-Hm, I know.

-No, I did not!

-But you would have.

-It didn't come to that.

-You so would have!

-When did you two hook up?

-We didn't. Yet. It's complicated.

-Your man's not marrying someone else!

OK, bridesmaids, we've been thinking small. Girlie pranks are over. No guts, no glory.

-This is war.

-True that! Got any mustard?

Tomorrow we go in for the kill. We eliminate the most essential part of this wedding.

-The bride.

-I guess we have to. There's a lot of good places to bury the body. They'll never find it.

-Uh, Rach, kill is just an expression.

-Oh, of course.

Look at the shy one. All giddy and ready for blood. Adorable.

-If we don't kill her, she'll just come back.

-Not if we do this right.

-Don't worry. She's going down!

Who's in?

Let's do this!

CLASSICAL MUSIC

These are the three women. They may yet try something else. We cannot be too cautious.

-Are your men armed, sir?

-This is Louisiana, ma'am. Of course we are.

Good. Don't be afraid to use them.

Ah, Reverend...

MUSIC: "Bad To The Bone"

You ready, Miss Olivia?

Out of my way, faker girls.

-Oh, Caitlyn, you look so gorgeous in this dress.

-Oh, I know.

-Where's the veil?

-Oh, um, it's around. Somewhere.

"It's around. Somewhere"?

Bitsy, do you know why I asked you to be my maid of honour?

I have no idea.

Find it. Find it!

I look good.

-Why are you two loitering about?

-Miss Olivia?

-What are you looking at?

Am I the first person to fall asleep in a tanning bay? I think not! Look out for those three awful girls!

-Now move.

-Yes, ma'am.

Ma'am.

-So why do you think acting is so hard?

-Try getting paid for it.

-Hush, you!

Now or never.

Now!

Hey, honey belle. Ready for your big day?

Oh!

Mo...

I can't hear what you're saying.

Aaaargh!

Aaaah!

Bitsy! Help me!

Wait a minute! Better hurry. Olivia's due up here any second.

I know this isn't very Gamma Kappa of me, but I hate your guts!

- Are you going to kill her? - No. They said no.

-Are you going to help?

-I'm in heels.

The coast is clear.

OLIVIA: I swear, Charlotte, half these people don't know how to dress!

-Come upstairs.

-In here!

Ma'am. Miss Olivia.

Come on! Come on. The coast is clear.

That's a filthy and evil rug. I won't have it in my house today!

Move along. Thank you.

-Good luck. Anything else you need?

-Can you drive stick?

-Hold on, cowgirls!

-Whoa!

-Sorry!

-Y'all are so not my friends any more.

-We still like you. We brought you iced tea and passion fruit.

-Drink some.

-Why?

-Cos it's really good. See?

-No.

-Drink the tea, Caitlyn!

-No thank you, Parker.

-They did a really great job with your hair.

-I wish I could have hair like you.

-Do you want some?

-No!

-You wouldn't dare.

-How much?

-Just a little bit more.

-There?

-A little bit more.

-Yeah, perfect.

-OK!

-I'll drink the damn tea!

-Drink it.

-I won't!

-Ah!

Bottoms up.

This is more fun than Rush Week.

-Hi, we're here for a pregnancy test.

-What?!

-Yes, that's right.

We have an appointment. McNabb. Four o'clock. We're early. Don't mind her. She's a little nervous.

-I don't... Uh, yeah. Room 7. That way.

-Thank you.

Somebody call my momma! Momma! I'm not supposed to be here! Momma!

Doctor will be with you shortly.

'Honey belle?'

-What is it?

-My carpet.

Caitlyn? Where is my carpet?

Caitlyn?

Pee in the cup, Caitlyn.

-Never.

-Pee in the cup.

-Jamais. That's French.

-Caitlyn, you are full of tea up to your eyeballs.

-You've got to go sooner or later.

-I have the McNabb bladder and I know what you're up to.

-What are we up to?

-You think that... I'm not even going to say what you think.

-We have all day.

-Mm.

Stop now!

Your first mistake, Officer, was releasing them.

They snuck back in and stole my daughter. You've got to find them!

-Bitsy's gone as well.

-This is a disaster. Those rotten girls are out to ruin everything.

After I practically raised them! I should have smothered them.

Hello, darling. You look lovely.

Niagara Falls. All of the great, wondrous, enormous flowing bodies of water.

Whoosh. Listen to that sound, Caitlyn. Like a gurgling stream.

Building, becoming stronger.

-Feeding into a mighty waterfall.

-Not gonna work!

-SIRENS Oh, my God! Police.

-Crap!

Oh, well, well, ladies. It looks as if the cavalry has arrived.

There are police cars all over the parking lot. Is this about you?

-Yes. I am being held captive.

-No, she's not.

-Well, I...

-Here's what's gonna happen. You're gonna pee and you're gonna test it!

Caitlyn, I will call that reporter from Wedding Belles and I will tell him exactly

how you got that A+ from Mr Peterson in Physics.

Oh, honey. Five minutes well spent.

'This is the police department! We have the building surrounded. Release the bride and come out!'

-What the heck is going on?

-We did everything right. It should have worked.

I'm so sorry, Rachel.

Y'all are pathetic. You thought you could trick me? Make me fill your little cup?

The police are going to lock y'all up while Tony and I take a nice long walk down the aisle.

Me and him and all his family's money.

-You don't love him.

-Love! Marriage is an arrangement.

I arranged for Tony to believe I was pregnant.

-How can you live with yourself?

-In a big house. With Tony. And servants. And no diapers to change.

So Caitlyn wins. You all lose.

Like it's always been. Like it always will be.

Wow.

That was wonderful.

Better than I expected.

-Can I cut now?

-Sure.

-'That's it. We're coming in!

-'There is a lot of us!'

-Relax, Henry. We cut.

-How did we do?

-We did great.

Good job, everybody.

MUSIC: "The Wedding March"

Wasn't that wonderful? It just gets better every time.

Play it again, boys. Play it again.

SIRENS

Oh! Oh!

Upsy-daisy!

We're all here now. Everything's fine. # La-da-da-da! # Play it!

Nice tux.

Will you show him the tape or should we?

Ah...Tony...

I have something to tell you.

And, um...

And it's horrible to say.

But, em...

These wicked, wicked girls are about to show you a tape filled with lies.

The made me drink something and I said outrageous things, but you mustn't believe them. No.

Let's just get married and run off to one of your many homes right now.

-Tony Bear...

-Funny thing about those homes.

As of yesterday, we don't have them any more.

-What? Of course you do.

-Dad's company was holding some phony stock certificates.

The SEC just shut him down. The family fortune's gone.

So I guess we'll just have to raise this little baby on a budget.

-And I can do what I've always wanted to do and teach high school.

-Oh, God.

-There might be some lean years...

-Lean years?

No, see,

-I can't marry lean years.

-What about the baby?

Oh, God! There is no baby! Grow up!

I need a drink! Huh!

So...we're not getting married?

Funny. Does this look like the body of a teacher's wife to you?

-What are you looking at?

-Oh...oh...!

-I guess we won't be needing this.

-No.

-Oh, Tony...

-I'm so sorry about what happened to your family.

-How about you?

Could you spend your life with a schoolteacher?

No big wedding, nothing glamorous. Just...you and me.

I couldn't imagine anything more wonderful.

What are you doing?!

Would you marry me, Rachel?

Oh, so much! Of course!

Oh, my God.

-Sweetheart...

-Yes?

-I have some bad news.

-I kinda lied.

-Oh.

Nobody lost any money. I just said that to see how she'd take it.

-You mean you're still rich?

-Are you still interested?

Nobody's perfect.

Of course!

OK, OK, OK. We could be your bridesmaids.

We have a LOT of experience.

-It looks like you might have to stick around town a little while.

-You'd like that, wouldn't you?

Yeah.

'Three months later we had our second outing as bridesmaids and this was a lot more fun

'because we were actually rooting for the couple.

'You never saw anybody happier than Rachel.

'Hey, we're all pretty happy these days. Parker went back to New York and landed an incredible job.'

-Freeze, scumbag!

-Cut!

Sheets for tomorrow...

'She got a major part in a big action movie. She came back from Lambert a new person.

'A totally transformed, take charge babe. And she nailed the first audition she got.

'Aw, look at our little Parker.

'Oh, and the best part? They let her hire her own consultant.'

Nice gun action. I had my hands up.

'Henry takes the State detective exam next week. They're so cute together.

'And you probably heard about my news.

'This whole Caitlyn plot with the wedding and scheming was so completely ludicrous

'I figured there had to be a book here, so I banged it out. Third week on the fiction best seller list.

'Look for me at a bookstore near you.'

Where did all the ideas come from? Right here. It just flows out of me constantly.

Can't stop it.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd