Round Ireland with a Fridge

-Is that guy hitching with a fridge?

-Oh yes.

What an idiot.

And Bob? Where is Bob? Fantastic, Bob, you're looking great.

Really are, you're looking terrific. Got to hand it to him.

Still having sex at 64.

Trouble is he lives at 62.

LAUGHTER

I never used to believe in miracles.

I think what changes it for you

is when you see your first newborn baby.

Because what it is, it's the hands, the fantastic detail in the hands,

right the way down to the knuckle, the nail,

the quick in the nail, it's all there in perfect miniature.

And, as the man handed me this thing, I thought, "Now that is a miracle...

"because I'd ordered a pizza."

LAUGHTER

-OK, how many do you think I can do?

-AUDIENCE MEMBER: 20!

I can do 20 easy, here we go.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10,

11, 12, 13, 14,

15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20!

APPLAUSE

I mean who hitchhikes with a fridge? I mean honestly, Trevor!

LAUGHTER

Thanks, Tony. We never tire of hearing that story.

Now it's time on Teatime With Trevor for our team captain Tony to reveal all.

What's it to be, Tony? Flip or flop?

And remember, it's a brave man who flips.

-I'm going to flip.

-He's going to flip, folks.

-It's a pair of trousers.

I don't believe it! It is a pair of trousers! Ha ha!

Tony, darling, mwah mwah! Loved the show yesterday.

Boy, was that funny!

Trousers! Ha ha!

I genuinely laughed.

So, here we are. How's Jenny?

Well, we split up four months ago.

Ah, so you did. Shame, I liked her.

Now, some good news.

-It's in the cupboard.

-What?

-Cupboard.

-What are you talking about?

-Just a minute, Tony, I'm on the phone.

With the others. It's this new headset thingy.

I raise my arm like this when I'm on the phone so people know.

Now, some good news.

I reckon I can get you on the bill to do the Prince's Trust Royal Gala

Saturday week, live in front of royalty.

Stephen Kay has had to pull out,

and the producers will use you provided you do new material.

That won't be a problem, will it?

Hm, thought as much. Send in Dean Masterson.

-Who?

-Dean Masterson, brilliant comedy writer.

-Look, I can write my own routines.

-Can you? Can you really?

By Saturday week?

Tony!

You used to be able to write funny stuff, but now you're...

Well you need Dean Masterson.

Are you saying that I've lost it?

No, no, I'm saying it's hard work.

You need to go back to what you used to do.

Write about your ex-girlfriends, write about what you see in the park!

I'm just not sure you've got the desire any more.

-Sandra, you're wrong about me.

-Then prove me wrong.

No, not the cupboard by the window!

'Parks. Erm, the thing about being friends of parks...'

No.

'Parks, erm...

'I love parks. No, no.

'Last week I had my ex...

'No. Last week I had my front window smashed in.'

Last week I had my window smashed in by my ex-girlfriend,

who lives just a stone's throw away!

Parks are good.

I like the way they have friends of the parks.

A while ago, I made friends with Hyde Park.

The trouble is we've fallen out recently.

It can't stand the fact that I walk through St James's Park

and it thinks I'm seeing a recreation ground on the side!

Hi, mate. Good to see you. Come in.

So, tonight's the big night, eh?

-How are you feeling?

-Well, ready. I've done the work and I'm ready.

-How about you?

-Oh, not so good.

Daniel's running a bit of a temperature.

BABY STARTS CRYING Which means we won't be able to come and see the Royal Gala.

Well, why not?

Tony, I can't just leave him. Not like that, with a babysitter.

Can't you?

-Well, no.

-Well come by yourself, let Nicola look after him.

No, doesn't really work like that, mate, I'm afraid.

But we'll watch it on the telly later on. Anyway, I'd better take this on upstairs.

Mr Hawks, this is your two-minutes call.

'OK, Tony, stay focused.

'Enjoy yourself out there. Trust your material.'

KNOCK AT DOOR

Are you OK, darling? God, you look terrible.

Everyone is so excited!

This is what we've been waiting for. The new Tony! Mwah!

Your Royal Highness, my lords, ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome a stalwart of Teatime With Trevor, Mr Tony Hawks.

APPLAUSE

Come on, love. Tony's on!

Good evening.

Last week I had my front windows smashed in by my ex-girlfriend.

Er, parks! Parks are good!

I never used to believe in miracles. I think what changes it for you

is when you see your first newborn baby. What it is, it's the hands.

Fantastic detail in the hand, right the way down to the knuckle,

the nail, the quick in the nail. It's all there in perfect miniature.

And, as the man handed me this thing, I thought, "Now that is a miracle"

Because I'd ordered a pizza!

LAUGHTER

You know what's coming next, don't you?

AUDIENCE CHEERS

I did not bottle it. I made a calculated decision.

Live TV's the last place you'd try out new material.

Anyway, look guys, I'm really tired

and Daniel's bound to wake up in the night, so I'll leave you to it.

A good little artist, your daughter.

Perfect likeness, apart from the Afro hair.

Whoo! Fancy new fridge!

Are they finally paying you teachers more than the minimum wage at last?

By the way, did I ever tell you my Ireland fridge story?

Yes, you saw an old man hitching with a fridge the first time you went to Ireland.

You've told that story three times on Teatime With Trevor, it's a biennial.

Ah, so you do watch it then?

Well, Nicola's home during the day.

If it's on the telly, I'll sit down.

Look, I don't mind hearing the anecdote again, all right?

I never tire of it. Maybe tomorrow, yeah? Tonight I'd like to go to bed.

Whoa whoa whoa, you're not going anywhere, mate.

You and I are going to drink like we drank on the night I failed my finals.

No, I don't think we have enough Tesco cider!

-Oh no, mate, no. I'm strictly amateur these days. No.

-Relax!

We're perfectly capable of drinking and still behaving like responsible adults.

-You flinched.

-No, I didn't!

-You flinched.

-It's a blink, it's not the same as...

-Have a drink.

I'll take the drink but that was a blink, not a flinch.

That was definitely a flinch. My turn.

The thing is, if blinking...

OK, I flinched then.

Which is not the same as blinking.

-Well, it's good to have you back.

-Where have I been?

-Away.

You know, when you reached the pinnacle of your academic prowess

and failed your finals,

you were going to embark on an exciting, amazing journey.

I mean credit - you started it,

but somewhere along the line you got lost and now you're stuck.

You're pissed!

You're stuck.

You need to find something new, you know, extraordinary.

Like what?

Well... Well, there. You go on about it often enough.

The Ireland hitching fridge thing.

Hitchhike round Ireland with a fridge.

You what?

See, the old Tony, he could have done that.

But the new Tony, you, the new Tony, you couldn't do that.

-You're wrong about me, Kevin.

-In fact I'm willing to make a bet you couldn't.

In fact all right, I'll make a bet with you.

You could not hitchhike round Ireland with a fridge. That's the bet.

How much?

£100, please.

-What?

-You can pay up now. You owe it to Kevin anyway.

I don't owe Kevin £100.

Oh yes you do, unless you're actually going to go to Ireland,

buy a fridge, and spend a month hitching.

Let's face it, Tony, that's not going to happen, is it?

"I hereby bet Tony the sum of £100 that he cannot hitchhike

"around the circumference of Ireland with a fridge within one calendar month."

'Tony, what the hell's going on?

'You run away after the show,

'you don't answer the phone all day Sunday - this is madness!

'I got in this morning to seven messages

'from the Prince's Trust lot - I mean,'

what the hell were you doing out there?

I told you to use Dean Masterson - its breach of bloody contract,

darling, YOU said you'd do new material

and you did that Godawful thing with a golf club.

'You need to come over here today and personally apologise to them,'

otherwise I'M going to have to do it and I'm sorry,

but you know how bad I am at apologising.

I mean, what is it with you?

What exactly IS it you're looking for?

I'll tell you what I'm looking for.

-A fridge?

-Yes.

I'm looking for a fridge.

This is the R2B52.

A lot of people like the R2 range.

This is a free frost.

A compact and reliable little model, very popular as a second fridge.

Or over here we've got the stylish GSP 12D50.

It's a bit heavier than I thought it was going to be.

# Hallelujah, hallelujah! #

Is that the lightest one you sell?

Lightest? Why, are you going to be moving it around much?

You could say that, yes.

Excuse me, where do I get the bus to Cavan?

Go into the shopping centre, up to the first floor

and then go out the Bridge Street exit.

MUSIC

And I never get tired of hearing that terrific song by, er...

by...them. By HIM - by him.

So, it's time to go back to the Ulysses Mall now, with Roving Roisin.

Roisin, are you there?

Yes, Dylan, here I am, Roving Roisin in the Ulysses shopping mall

in the heart of beautiful Dublin and the place is, as ever - buzzing.

Stay tuned, because we're going to be chatting to some of our shoppers

who have formed a huge, excited crowd around us

and hearing about some of their favourite plumbing stories...

Excuse me? Where's the bus station?

..I believe you had an experience with your septic tank?

MICROPHONE FEEDBACK

..Roisin?

'Roisin, are you there? Hello?'

Ow!

'Hello?'

Seem to have a few gremlins over there at the Ulysses Mall. Um...

'Roisin, are you there?'

Sorry about that, Dylan. So...

Hello?

Hello, Ireland!

Is anybody there?

Shit! Shit!

Shit! SHIT!

HE SIGHS

THUNDER RUMBLES

Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!

As if you haven't got enough room in there!

Raining out.

You could say that, yeah.

I just did.

Does anyone actually work here?

Pat will be up in a minute.

He's down in the cellar...

stocktaking.

Be up soon, will he?

-Who?

-Well, the barman.

Pat? Ah, right enough.

Ah, Pat.

That's not Pat.

Pat's got red hair.

I thought that was Pat.

No. Pat's down in the cellar.

Stocktaking.

Stocktaking, yes but does he actually know I'm here?

Listen, the sooner you learn to relax, the better.

Things happen a bit...slower round here.

Yeah, well, no offence, but it's a bit too slow for me, right?

I'll get a drink from a shop later.

Ah, fsss.

BIRDSONG

Come on, Ireland.

Won't someone have faith in this fridge?

COW MOOS

I'm only going as far as Caraghrararagh.

And how far is Caraghrararagh?

You mean Cararaclough Naraghraragh?

Yes... Cara... There, yes. How far is that?

Caraghraclough Naraghraragh?

-About three miles.

-Three miles?

Well, throw your stuff in the back.

Yes, it's just sometimes it's best to try and find...

Throw them in. Throw them in!

But are there any main roads...?

Ah, jeez - throw the feckin' stuff in the feckin' back, will ya?

What you got there?

It's a fridge.

Jeez, you wouldn't want to be travelling too long with a fridge, now, would you?

So... Busy day ahead?

Just going to the cattle market up the road.

Are you going to buy a cow?

No! Just going to kill time.

Your dog's very clean.

What are you looking at?

Thanks.

Thanks for dropping me in the worst spot for hitching in the northern hemisphere.

Would you mind moving yourself there, fella? We want to park in that spot.

This is all your fault. If I'd picked a better looking fridge, we'd have got a lift by now.

Hello, there.

Am I doing something wrong? Do you want to park where my fridge is?

I KNEW it was a fridge! Listen, do you want a ride?

Are you sure?

Looks like rain, hop in.

I'm heading towards... Actually, I don't know where I'm heading.

I can take you as far as Cavan, I'm there to sell a few toiletries.

Anywhere's better than here.

Put your stuff in the back. My name's Brendan, by the way.

I'm Tony.

Maybe wipe those shoes, yeah, Tony?

Fridge!

I saw you about half an hour ago

when I was going the other way towards Kells, and I thought,

"what is that white thing he's hitching with?"

A fridge! A fridge!

What an item to be hitching with!

Yeah, I'm doing it to win a bet.

-You're kidding me!

-Nope. I made it when I was drunk.

Oh, God - the things we do when we're drunk.

If Mary and I hadn't have gotten drunk,

we'd never have gotten it together.

-Is she your wife?

-Someone else's.

It was fun while it lasted. But that's what counts, isn't it?

It's like you and your bet - you could have backed out of it,

but you didn't - you heard that little voice inside your head, telling you to do it.

That, my friend, is your intuition.

If I hadn't listened to that little voice inside my head,

I'd have never got into toiletries.

Isn't there a main road that will take us to Cavan?

There is.

And isn't that quicker?

Well, that depends on what way you look at it.

It's further on this road, that's true, but I think it's quicker because...

..it's more beautiful.

Brendan, do you have any plasters with your stuff?

These shoes are killing me.

I've run out. Toiletries don't grow on toilet-trees, you know(!)

I'll see what I have that might work.

Oh! Here - wedge a couple of these in.

Panty pads?

Yeah, they give you total freedom.

Oh, yeah - for a limited period only.

About to cross the border.

I zip in and out of Northern Ireland two or three times on this run.

A lot easier than it used to be.

See that hotel there?

That was blown up in the worst of the Troubles.

My uncle was killed by that bomb.

Wrong place, wrong time.

Mind you, taught me a very valuable lesson.

You might be dead tomorrow, Tony, so make sure you're alive today.

Murray Mint?

THUNDER RUMBLES

Yeah, you should be fine here. Looks clean enough.

Spoken like a true toiletry salesman.

Actually, I'm staying up the road myself later,

so if you fancy a pint...

Thanks, but I think I'll get my head down as soon as I can.

Well, if you change your mind, it's Doyle's bar.

But if I don't see you, good luck on that crazy adventure of yours.

It's a good idea!

Wouldn't do it myself, mind, but...it's a good idea!

Would those shoes be muddy?

A bit, yes.

Then would you mind taking them off?

I spent an age hoovering.

And what's that?

It's a panty pad.

And is that a panty pad as well?

Yes.

Right.

Well, will you be needing the room for just one night?

Yes, just one night, thanks.

Is that a fridge you have there?

Yes.

Right.

I'll show you to your room.

FRIDGE BUMPS UP STAIRS

Can you actually see the screen from the pillow?

I wouldn't think so.

Well then, why have it there?

We needed a telly in each room to get the two stars.

And no having sex when I'm not looking.

Ow! Oh! Ah! Too hot!

Boiling!

Ah! Freezing!

HE SCREAMS

TV:: 'And this depression will spread across the whole of Ireland,

'bringing more rain and I'm afraid it's a gloomy outlook...'

TV OFF

Who booked a car for Dublin airport?

I did. I'm going home.

Well, he's outside for you.

RADIO ON

Oh, good - I'm glad I caught you.

Driver, this man is going nowhere -

this is a matter of grave national importance, you've got to get out.

What?

I've got the Dylan Daley show on the line.

Who's Dylan Daley?

Only the best DJ on All Ireland Radio, and he love loves

this kind of wacky shit you're doing.

I had this idea, right -

so I gave him a call, told him what you're up to and they loved it!

Dylan wants to have a chat with you!

When?

Now, as soon as this record's finished!

'So let me get this straight - your name is Tony, you're from England

-'and you're hitchhiking round Ireland to win a £100 bet?'

-That's right.

But the difference is, you're doing it with your fridge.

Correct.

Well, it sounds like a purposeless idea, but a damn fine one.

Here, Tony - this is exactly the kind of crazy stunt

that we at the Dylan Daley show like to keep track of,

so could you could phone us in a couple of days, let us know how you're getting on?

Well, I'll do my best, certainly.

That's grand.

Good luck to you, Tony - travel and weather after...

this.

Listen, Tony - will you stay on the line just a couple of seconds?

I want to just talk to my sidekick, Roisin,

she'll be back from the powder room any moment now.

Terrible weak bladder, that girl.

Roisin, I have found the most brilliant character -

he's hitchhiking round Ireland with his fridge.

-I saw him! I saw him, Dylan.

-When?

Remember the outside broadcast that went tits-up?

Well, it was thanks to that gobshite.

BRENDAN LAUGHS

There must be some mistake. I'm not a gobshite!

That's just, er...

Roisin's wicked sense of humour there, Tony -

you'll have to get used to that.

Hi, Tony! Hope you appreciated my little joke there.

'Now, we'd love to hear more'

about this fridge-hiking adventure of yours,

so it'll be time for me to rev up the old radio car

and come and find you. Where will you be on Friday?

Um, I'm not sure, exactly.

That doesn't matter, Tony -

I'm sure we'll find some way of getting hold of you.

Just like we did this morning. So be prepared!

That was brilliant! Well done!

Dylan Daley!

HONKS HORN

-Are you Tony?

-Yes!

Jason. I was just listening on the radio there - hilarious!

I was in stitches!

A fridge - you got yourself a lift, come on.

After I heard you on the radio, I was looking out for you both -

you and your fridge!

Can't wait to tell my mates that I got you!

Well done.

Fair play to you.

Hitching with a fridge! It's gas!

Yes it is, would you mind looking at the road again now?

CAR HORN BLARES

Ah, it's brilliant.

# A-I-R! #

'So, folks, keep an eye out for fridge man Tony Hawks,

'travelling round the country to try and win a bet.

'You might see him on the side of the road looking confused,

'or trying to get a lift.

'You might see him leaving a hostel or bed-and-breakfast.

'Apparently, he's wearing a suit, of all things.

'And of course, he's pulling a fridge behind him.

'You can't miss him, he's the biggest eejit in Ireland.'

Would you mind telling me what you have in your fridge?

Stuff, just... Stuff I couldn't fit in my bag, you know.

Shoes.

Shoes?

Nobody keeps shoes in a fridge.

I do.

Get away.

You can't keep shoes in a fridge.

Sierra Tango from 626, over.

'Sierra Tango receiving, have you asked him, Jimmy?'

Affirmative. I have asked him.

He keeps shoes in his fridge. Over.

'Shoes, is it? Maureen, it's shoes.'

'So call me, Dylan Daley, and let me know if you spot that mad fella,

'Tony Hawks - a square man, pulling a square fridge.

'I want to know, is he still wearing that suit?

'God, I hope not.

'Speaking of fridges, I had a call from a Dickie McCann from Ballyduff.

'He tells me that he made love to his wife on top of a freezer.

'They can never go to THAT supermarket again!'

How much was this bet for?

£100.

And how much was the fridge?

130.

Jeez, you're an idiot! What are you drinking?

And what's more, you can't leave the fridge down there

where she can't see what's going on. Lift her up on the barstool!

CHEERING

Sure it's nice to see it... out of context.

-Morning.

-Morning. I wonder if you could help me?

I'm a photographer, I'm trying to take a picture of this lane here.

Great lane.

Yeah. Would you mind... holding up this branch for me?

I just want to get some foliage across the top of the frame.

Oh, yeah - foreground interest.

Ah, you've done this before!

Yeah. Oh, I'm going to need it much higher than that.

Hang on - I've just the thing.

Yeah - lovely. Lovely.

Oh, no - it's no good - I'm going to need you about two foot that way.

Yeah... Lovely.

Keep going, keep going...

Perfect. Thanks a million, you can relax now.

I've got what I need.

Tony Hawks, looking like a complete arse.

What?

I'm Roving Roisin from the Dylan Daley show.

Oh! I get it. This is all a setup.

Where are the hidden cameras?

Yep - it's set up, all right. It's not for the show - this is revenge.

You and your stupid fridge, you completely messed up my broadcast.

In Dublin, in the Ulysses Mall.

But it's all right, because now we're even,

cos I've made you look like a complete arse as well.

You're weird.

So, how about an interview for Dylan, then?

Interview? I'm really not sure about that -

I do a lot of TV in England, I'm pretty well known,

and I want to take a rest from that kind of stuff.

-You're not in hiding then, no?

-In hiding?

I do my research, Tony.

That review from Maureen Mitchell for the Prince's Trust show...

Oh, she did not like that line about miracles and pizzas...

Yeah, well I don't read reviews, and I'm not in hiding.

If you're not in hiding,

then you won't mind doing a live interview. Great!

And here's the radio car.

So hop in -

we need to find higher ground just to get a better signal.

Don't worry, I'll make sure I keep you in the right direction,

so it'll keep you on track.

Hang on, hang on. Hold your horses.

I'm supposed to hitch the whole way.

If you drive me somewhere,

that will be contrary to the terms of the bet that I made with Kevin.

I don't want to cheat.

So I mustn't accept a lift from anyone I know.

Only strangers.

OK, Tony. Look...

How about if you took a lift from someone that you thought you

didn't know, but it turned out that you did know them, after all.

And... Something like that might happen further down

this road - there might be a place where in say, five minutes,

something like that might happen. OK, Tony?

HONKS HORN

US ACCENT: Hey, dude - are you looking for a ride?

Well, haul your buns on board!

Still feels like a cheat.

Oh, my God - will you get over this cheating business?

Don't be so uptight.

I swear to God, you English,

you're so up your own arses about this honour thing.

You're hitchhiking around Ireland with a feckin' fridge.

So tell me, what does this Kevin want? Blood?

No. £100.

He's not a vampire!

PHONE RINGS

Hi, Roisin here.

Oh, hi, mate.

Shit, really?

OK. Yeah, I'll be there.

Yep. Bye.

Breaking news - Minister of Health has just had a heart attack

and they need the car at the hospital,

-so I have to get it to them now.

-So?

I've got to get it back that way, so I'm going to have to drop you here.

"My dear Kevin..."

No. "Kevin, you arse, much to my surprise,

"I'm beginning to warm to my task.

"Hitchhiking, I'm finding, is a rather noble pursuit.

"You set your ego to one side, plop yourself by the side of the road

"and wait for someone to come along and help you.

"And you know what? People do. Cos they're quite nice."

"And they're intrigued as to what I keep in the fridge.

"Lots of people have asked me if I have any beers in it,

"to which I reply, if only there was an extension lead long enough

"to go all the way around Ireland.

"I'm eating some gourmet meals,

"getting some interesting holiday snaps...

"..and the Tony who you said was stuck?

"Well - I've left him behind a tree."

TV: 'Waves - sometimes, they come in twos.

'Sometimes, in threes.'

He's a great man at pulling the Guinness, is Francie.

Nice and slow.

That's fine with me.

I'm in no hurry.

'Waves broke...'

Change the channel there, Francie, will you? This is shite.

'And now, on Teatime With Trevor.'

Christ, that's shite as well.

'With Bob, our new team captain.'

Mind you, that fella is mucking around with the other eejit

who used to do it.

'It's a brave man who flips.'

This is indeed a special occasion.

We hereby name this fridge Saiorse, the Gaelic word for freedom,

after all, there is no fridge in the world more free than this one!

APPLAUSE

May God bless and keep this fridge on her travels around Ireland

with her friend, Tony. May the local people...

"You wouldn't believe it, Dylan - the fridge has been christened

"and blessed."

Tony, I don't know what you or your fridge are doing to bring

all this out of the Irish people, but all I can say is, keep it up,

and call us in a few days - I can't wait for the next update.

Bye.

Cheers.

He's mad.

"Dear Kevin, this is hell.

"Recently, I was set upon by some hideous, ageing art students

"who got hold of my jacket and turned me into a new superhero.

"And you, poor devil, are still just plain Kevin,

"but I am now officially Fridge Man."

"And just now, I'm enjoying the peace

"and tranquillity that a man with a wife and two kids

"can only dream of."

"And the fridge, well - it's now called Saiorse,

"and it's becoming a work of art."

"And I'm being pursued...

HORN HONKS

"..by this strange woman."

AUSSIE ACCENT: Hop in, sport - I'll take you where you want to go.

'You're tuned to the Daley Show with Dylan Daley, on AIR,

'and for an update on Tony Hawks, our Fridge Man,

'we have Seamus on the line. Seamus, I hear you've spotted him?'

'Too right, I did, Dylan.

'When I saw him, I nearly crashed my wife's Honda.'

Excellent hat.

You're really quite the master of accents.

Irish is your best one, though.

By some considerable margin.

You really want this interview, don't you?

No. It's Dylan that wants you.

Frankly, I could do without this hassle.

You know how to flatter a man.

Well, the people who've given you lifts, they're all phoning in -

you've become a popular item.

I can see it on my gravestone now -

"Here lies Tony Hawks - popular item."

CAR GRINDS

That doesn't sound good.

CAR GRINDS, THEN STALLS

That ISN'T good.

You've a problem with your transmission.

Not good in a radio car.

It'll take some sorting, too.

You'll be lucky to get it back before tomorrow evening.

So, where will you be staying tonight?

I'm sorted - I'll stay with friends. What are you going to do?

Oh, something will turn up.

It might not. There's some music festival in town this weekend,

everywhere will be booked up.

It'll be OK - I have faith.

Faith in what?

Ah, that's the only bit I'm not sure of.

Maybe it's as simple as having faith in the fridge.

Faith in a fridge.

-Oh, thanks a million.

-Well, it's a crap sausage roll.

You can't thank me a million.

That leaves you nowhere to go, gratitude wise.

More of a...thanks 82.

Thanks 86, at most.

Right, well thanks 86, then.

You're very welcome.

Given that you're a comedian,

I expected you to be funnier than you are.

Well, I'm saving you money.

I'm a professional comedian - if I'm funny, I have to invoice you.

So, are you married?

God, no. Please!

-Live-in boyfriend?

-Uh-uh.

-Boyfriend?

-No!

What is this, 20 feckin' questions?

And what about you?

Is this relationship with the fridge serious?

Is it a gay thing?

No, it is not a gay thing. I don't even know what sex it is.

I've been travelling on my own for a while, I haven't got that desperate.

No, I have no romantic attachments at present.

Is that why you're here?

What, you mean fleeing some broken romance?

Well, I just don't buy this bet thing, or running from bad reviews.

No, there's got to be more to it than that.

Like, you're "looking for yourself" or some spiritual shite like that.

See, there is a reason why I'm here.

The same reason you're here with me.

And that is?

Your radio car is shit.

I know, love. I know.

I know. I love you, too - OK, I have to go, bye bye.

Well...

All the hotels are full up.

What did I tell you? Right - come on.

We're going to have to figure out what to do with you, but first...

What's that?

It's a duck egg.

How much is it?

What do you want a duck egg for?

I don't know - I just like the look of it. How much is it?

Don't be so silly.

You don't want a duck egg.

I do. I want to buy this duck egg.

-No, you don't.

-I do.

Now come on - what would you want with a duck egg?

Well, I liked the look of it.

Never mind about duck eggs.

You should be trying to find a hotel.

Something will turn up.

Yeah? You couldn't even buy an egg when you wanted to.

Yeah, well I worked out what happened there.

He was a wise man - he knew I didn't really want a duck egg,

so he didn't want to sell it to me.

He's there to give people what they want, not what they don't want.

And what is it that you want?

I want to hitchhike round Ireland with a fridge.

Why? I mean, really - cut the bullshit.

Once there was an old man who wanted to get his fridge home.

So he put it down by the side of the road, stuck his thumb out

and had faith that someone would come along and help.

You too can have faith in the fridge.

Come on!

Just come on!

No, you're right - I don't want your duck egg.

But if you could stay anywhere round here, where would you stay?

Let me think.

Well, there's always Anne-Marie's.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh my God, it's you!

They told us to look out for you on the radio.

Will you be needing a room?

I was fully booked and someone just cancelled on me.

It's on the house, of course.

Yeah, OK - now I do have faith in the fridge.

And this must be Saiorse!

We heard all about the christening and the blessing.

Bring her in - I'll show you to your room.

Ready.

What are you doing?

Coming for a drink, like we said. Hear that bloke sing.

Where's Saiorse?

In my room.

It's a Friday night. You can't leave her on her own.

Go on.

Serious?

The eagle has landed.

Well, if it isn't the man with the fridge!

Have youse heard about this fella?

What are you drinking?

Give him that pint there.

Cheers.

Cheers!

That's yours as well, I'm afraid.

I'd just like to congratulate you.

-What for?

-Well, take a look around.

Everybody is having a great laugh about you and your fridge -

you may not know it, but you're spreading joy.

You don't think I'm a bit mad, then?

Maybe you're sane and everybody else is mad.

Here's your wallet.

Little party trick of mine. Sort of close-up magic.

Yeah, it's more close-up theft, isn't it?

What are you having, Roisin?

Honest to God, Bingo, I actually have to go.

My friends were expecting me hours ago.

Stay! Stay, Roisin, we could do some...Irish dancing - look.

Jesus!

Michael Flatfoot! No, I think that's proof I have to go.

-Night.

-Night, Tony - see you tomorrow.

-Will you?

-Well, I will if you want me to.

Yeah, I want you to.

I'll call by your digs. Listen - don't drink too much...

Well, you already have, so don't drink too much more.

S'Bingo! There - him. Bingo.

Winning the West of Ireland surfing Championships.

Surfing, see!

Now he's the kind of landlord you want in your local pub.

Put it away, Michael.

You can surf round here? I've always wanted to try surfing.

Yeah? I could get you a suit and you could give it a go in the morning.

You're going to have to take the fridge with you.

Oh no, you can't go surfing by yourself

and not give the fridge a go.

I mean, that wouldn't be fair, would it?

I think Michael has a point.

If you surf, the fridge surfs.

Could you get that up on the board?

-I suppose so.

-There you are, then.

-Right!

Fellow drinkers of this grand public house - attention, please!

Tomorrow morning, Bingo

and our good friend Tony

will go surfing -

with the fridge.

Ah, thanks.

HE SNORES

KNOCK AT THE DOOR

Uh.

KNOCKING

< Tony.

Uh!

Jesus Christ.

It smells like a...

brewer's mop in here.

Look at the state of you.

Mm.

Come on. Come on - shake a leg.

Bingo is expecting you at the beach in ten minutes.

You're going surfing, remember?

Well, you and Saiorse - she's downstairs.

She's all ready - she can't wait.

No, no, no, no - that was just the drink talking.

Yeah, it was -

but now you're going to have the best hangover cure known to man -

it's called the Atlantic.

Oh, my God, would you look at this!

Before you make any remarks, can I just say that dignity is overrated.

I think you look grand.

No, he doesn't!

Hang on.

What is the plan, exactly?

Well, I think we should wade in, balance the fridge on board,

wait till the right breaker, and then, er...

Ride her in on a decent wave.

Right. Well, good luck with that, then.

-All right, Tony?

-Yes.

OK - spin her around.

OK. To me, yes?

Careful, Tony. Careful.

You know what, Peter? They are mad.

Not so, Roisin - they're sane.

It's the rest of us who are mad.

Yes!

It appears to be a fridge.

Oh, a fridge, is it?

Will I put that in the report?

Not if you want that promotion.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Where is that sound coming from?

Is that yours, Tony?

No. It's Roisin's.

Hello, Roisin's mum.

It's Tony, a friend.

No, she's not far away.

Yeah, I'll give her the message.

Important. Yep.

OK, bye.

"Kevin, you wouldn't believe it,

"but the fridge is now a very competent surfer.

"It was such an uplifting scene, a crowd gathered on the beach..."

Am I disturbing you?

No, I was just thinking.

About what?

You know - stuff.

Big stuff or little stuff?

What do you mean?

Well, big stuff like why is there so much conflict in the world,

or little stuff like, I wonder who's taller - Madonna or Princess Anne?

Big-ish.

Care to share?

Not really. No, not just yet.

So this turned out to be quite some journey.

Have you given any thought to how you might like to end it all?

End it all? I wasn't thinking of suicide just yet.

No, no - end the journey.

You could end it with a march or something.

A march?

Yeah - Dylan and I were thinking of a kind of triumphal entry -

nothing too grand - Caesar enters Rome, that kind of thing.

"Tony enters Dublin."

We could get people to turn up

with a domestic appliance of their choice.

Consider it done - I'll square it with Dylan.

How does a one-hour homecoming special sound,

live from the Ulysses shopping mall?

Sounds brilliant.

Thanks for everything.

It's nice to be appreciated. At last.

Well, to use your own words, thanks a million.

Are you planning on kissing me?

I think it's a bit early.

I don't normally stay up much later than this.

-It's good for me.

-There's a lot you don't know about me.

I thought it'd be fun finding out.

Well, you won't be getting any fun here - or at least

until you buy me a meal that's worth 40 euro.

Well, I think that's in the bag.

Tony! Tony, wake up!

-Why didn't you tell me to ring my mum?

-Oh, shit. Sorry, I forgot.

You forgot? You had other things on your mind!

She said it was important, didn't she?

Yeah. Well, maybe give her a call now.

I already have. She was calling to tell me that my son was taken to hospital.

Son - yes, my son!

Kind of important. Though obviously not to you.

OK, well... Bye.

-Is he OK?

-Oh yeah -

he just fell down some stairs, the silly monkey.

-How old is he?

-Niall is seven.

Seven? Wow.

Well, I was young, things happen.

Look, Roisin - I'm really sorry about the business with the phone.

I'm sorry, I kind of turned on you there.

You're a good man, Tony.

Right. Well, I have to get back to Dublin now, so...

Just give us a call.

Will do and... Drive carefully in that thing.

By the way, thanks for the most surreal weekend of my life.

See you, Roisin.

Safe home, now.

Grand girl, eh?

Came right out of the blue.

Her having a kid, and all.

Puts some fellas off, that kind of baggage.

'Well, folks, Roving Roisin's been called back to Dublin

'on a special assignment and don't forget, at Finnegan's,

'the master butcher, all this week is their Festival of offal.

'If you can find cheaper offal in Dublin, then you're OFFALLY lucky.

Well, from your letters,

it sounds like you've been having a great time.

Yeah, we've been following your progress.

It all sounds bloody hilarious

and a triumphal entry on the 24th, eh? Brilliant.

-Just get your money ready.

-Yeah, yeah. Course, the kids haven't eaten for a fortnight,

but your money's put by.

That's what I like to hear.

Listen, Kev - I've got to go, I'm checking out.

-I'll call you in a couple of days.

-All right, mate - see ya.

Cheers, mate.

I don't feckin' believe it.

I've been listening to this fella for a month.

-What do you mean?

-I've been listening to him on Dylan Daley.

-Been travelling round Ireland with a fridge.

-What?

That thing there.

His fridge. His fridge! This is the fella with the fridge.

This is the fella off the radio.

The fella with the fridge.

-What the feck do you mean?

-I told ya - he's travelling round the country with his fridge.

Why a fridge?

So, Tony... Are you a bachelor, then?

I am, yes.

You're not married to your fridge, then?

No, I'm not married to my fridge.

Ah...

You'll be fine, then.

Fine to do what?

To enter the bachelor festival.

Not sure I like the sound of an "enter the bachelor" festival.

Guy called Butch runs the hostel.

Tell him Brian and Joel sent you. He'll find you a bed.

Everywhere else will be full -

bank holiday weekend, full of gobshites from Dublin.

-Don't forget the bachelor festival.

-Yeah, what am I actually meant to do?

Just do a bit of a turn. Try and impress the ladies.

Do well and you might get to cheat on your fridge!

Look, I've told you before - the fridge and I are not together.

Oh, don't be so sensitive.

DOORBELL RINGS

Could squeeze an extra bed in, I suppose.

There's only six of them in here, good lads.

Won't be in till the early hours, they'll be so pissed, they'll fall right asleep.

Yeah, and start snoring and farting.

There is that.

-Who's that?

-Karen.

-Is she your girlfriend?

-Nah.

Girlfriend left a couple of months after we opened.

Couldn't take the pressure.

She did take the dog, though - which was a drag.

I liked that dog.

Nothing left of her but that dog house.

A shrine to our failed relationship.

Would you like to meet her?

Well...

You're welcome to have a pop!

He's a bit of a celebrity.

Actually, you do look familiar.

It's that eejit I was telling you about who's bringing a fridge around Ireland.

-Oh.

-I'm putting him in with the Dublin boys.

-Oh, yuck-oh.

-Yeah, you know, Butch... I really don't think I can face that.

I tell you, there's no other bed left in the place,

unless you want to sleep with me, and I fart worse than they do.

Hold on... There is someone else I can sleep.

Ta-da!

Leave it out! You can't sleep in there.

It's just for one night. What's wrong with it?

It's perfect - it's waterproof, secluded location.

I'd lay money you wouldn't sleep in there.

I bet you 20 cents I do sleep in that dog house tonight.

Well, that seems to be settled, then. I'll get the mattress.

I'll get some blankets.

Karen? Are you doing anything later?

It's just I'm doing a bit of a turn at the bachelor festival.

You're brave. I always think that performing

is like sticking your head in the jaws of a crocodile.

It's easier than people think. I'm sure they'll be a nice crowd.

Off! Off! Off! Off! Off!

CHEERING

BOOING

WHISTLING

LAUGHTER

CHEERING

You all right there, fridge fella?

I'd just do about five minutes if I were you.

Sure you're going to use the guitar?

I think it's best. I thought I might do this...

# If I had a dollar... #

Seriously, the beer is on promotion, they've been drinking since noon.

Some of those fellows haven't had a shag since the millennium, you know?

This isn't some arts centre in Surrey.

Performing is all about risk.

Sticking your head in the jaws of a crocodile.

You can stick it up its arse for all the good it'll do you out there.

Why don't you just do that thing you did at the plastics awards last December?

You were there?

I...was the DJ.

BOOING

Patrick Quinlan. Give it up for Patrick Quinlan.

Maybe he'll give it up, huh?

Well, anyway, now - bachelors and spinsters of this parish,

we have a special treat for you - he's a late entry, he's been travelling all round Ireland

with his fridge, probably because nobody else wanted to...

Look, anyway - he's been on the Dylan Daley show and everything,

but we have him here tonight, so will you please welcome on stage,

the one and please God, the only - the fridge fella!

LONE CHEER

Good evening..

Um... I'm going to play a song.

CHEERING

'OK, Roisin, I understand you're on the trail of our fridge man, Tony.

'That's right - we know where he is,

'and we're gonna surprise him any minute.

'This is live radio at its best, folks.

'Just about to ring the doorbell at the hostel where he's staying.'

DOORBELL RINGS

I'm told by Butch, the hostel owner, that Tony actually chose to spend

the night in a doghouse - he really is more crazy than we thought.

The guy is a mentalist, Roisin, but we always knew that, eh?

I'm approaching the doghouse, Dylan.

Any second now I'm going to surprise him.

Good morning, Tony, you're live on air...

-Ah!

-Jesus Christ!

What is it? Roisin, are you all right?

No, I'm...

You bastard!

-What?

-No, not you!

-You!

-Roisin...

-Right... Dylan - back to you in the studio

for some music, or travel, or something.

Right. Yes. OK.

Great. Um... Let's have...

This. OK, just played that - anyone?

What is that? That doesn't help me. OK.

Look, Roisin, it's not what you think.

Well, I suppose it depends what you think.

Come to think of it, it probably is. But the point is...

-You slut.

-Who's she calling a slut?

-Well, me, I think.

-Who is this, anyway?

It's Roving Roisin from the Dylan Daley show.

-Have we been on the radio?

-No, she's just got here. You have just got here, haven't you?

Of course I have.

As if the nation wants to hear a couple of dogs rutting in a kennel.

I am not a dog.

-Then why are you sleeping in a doghouse?

-Watch it! Where do you get off, lady?

Hold on - you two are an item, aren't you?

You're joking me?!

You misunderstand, Karen.

Yes, you are. I can see the way you're looking at each other.

I'm out of here.

Hold on a minute, I'm being cast as the villain of the piece.

What's the meaning of turning up with a radio car

and disturbing a man while he's trying to sleep?

Sleep?! I doubt there was much sleeping going on in there.

Faith in the fridge - you're a fraud, Tony.

Using your fridge to get attention.

Fridge Man. More like dirty old man!

What right have you got to be annoyed? We're not dating!

-Oh, we know why that is.

-What are you talking about?

Come off it, Tony, your face fell the moment you heard I had a son.

You're one of those men who can't stand a woman with baggage.

One that's actually lived a life before she met you.

Well, do you know what? That's fine.

Because I'm not interested in you - and you - well,

you're certainly not interested in me.

So you can carry on and you can do whatever it is

you do do in a doghouse with some Aussie tart.

Oi! Kiwi tart - get your facts right.

You're a user, Tony.

You used your fridge to get this girl

and now you're using our show to revive your flagging career.

Oh, oh - so that's how I'd revive a flagging career, isn't it?

Of course - go on Irish radio!

Can I remind you that it's you that's following me?

I'm doing as I'm told.

Well, you won't need to any more, because I don't think I want anything more to do with your show.

Good!

-Think you might be in the doghouse.

-Will you just piss off!

"Dear Kevin, I have decided to draw a halt to the dreadful media

"attention I've been getting, with all its neurotic roving reporters.

"After all, that wasn't what I came here for, was it?

"And just because I've stopped the radio stuff,

"that doesn't mean I'm on my own -

"it's just as much fun as it ever was, it's just one non-stop party.

"Not far to go now - victory will soon be mine.

"And by the way, well done for staying with Nicola

"for so long - how do you do that?"

All Ireland Radio?

Hello? Can you put you through to Roisin Mulvaney,

Dylan Daley show? Thanks.

Oh, don't go on about it.

I did phone, I just bottled it, that's all.

Well, you do it, then.

Geez - there you are.

I've been looking all over the place for you.

Hi. Can I get an urgent message to Dylan Daley?

Tell him Peter called and everything is OK - I've got your man.

I'll have him at the start on time, no problem.

Yes. He'll know.

Tell him to call me back. Thanks, bye.

What was all that about? And what are you doing all the way down here?

Dylan Daley's got half of Ireland out looking for you.

He wants to cover your triumphant arrival in Dublin -

-later this morning.

-I won't be in Dublin later this morning.

-You are now.

-Hang on.

-You have to go. Dylan Daley's got a huge crowd of people

waiting to meet you. I'll drop you at the start

and you lead a procession of people through the streets and end up

in the Ulysses mall where there's a big celebration.

What makes you think I want to go?

One, the fridge journey is creating a lot of joy,

and there isn't a lot of that about.

Two, Roisin's name will be mud at AIR if you don't turn up,

and three, I nicked your passport then, when I hugged you.

If you don't do it, you'll have to stay in Ireland

and live with me in a one-bedroom cottage, without central heating.

So...

This is coercion.

That's a very harsh word.

I prefer to call it, what's the term? Kidnapping.

-Hang on, you can't kidnap me.

-Oh, I think I can.

No, you can't. If you kidnap me, I'll lose the bet.

Being kidnapped is not the same as hitchhiking.

I should know the difference by now.

Fair point. Didn't think of that.

What can we do about it?

MEXICAN ACCENT: Eh, Gringo - do you want a lift in my motorcar?

'We've finally located the Fridge Man. He's got his final lift

'and he's on his way to Dublin.

'Now, we've got a huge ceremony planned at the Ulysses centre,

'where excited crowds are already gathering,

'with well-wishers also congregating at the Meeting House Square -

'the starting point for Tony's triumphal march through the city.

'Don't forget to take a domestic appliance of your choice.'

This traffic is shite. You're never going to make it.

-Unless you get out and make a run for it.

-What?

Look...

Meeting House Square is just right across the river.

Well, go on with you!

Go, ya eejit, go!

'I just heard that the Fridge Man is here in Dublin.

'Yes, dear friends, he has come amongst us.

'Watch out for him

'and give him a cheer as he proceeds majestically towards the starting

'point for his triumphal procession through the streets with Saiorse.

'All police leave has been cancelled

'as whole areas of the city fall silent.

'Those not hurrying towards the centre are at home,

'glued to their radios for this special AIR broadcast.

'Our hand-picked team have been preparing for this broadcast

'for several hours and all the technical resources of AIR

'have been marshalled for one of the most ambitious outside broadcasts

'ever staged - can you imagine the scenes of hysterical excitement?

'Any second now,

'Tony will walk out into Meeting House Square

'to join the assembled throng.

'In association with Finnegans, the master butcher.

'They'll be pleased to meet you, with meat to please you.'

Ahem. Er...

Is, er...that a fridge?

It is.

-Are you Jim?

-Tony.

Oh, I have to meet a Jim somebody. They said something about a fridge.

Who did?

All Ireland Radio.

Hi, Tony. Jim here. AIR, the Dylan Daley show?

Got my domestic appliance! You must be Mr O'Malley.

Great - we've got to go, we've got 20 minutes to get to

the Ulysses mall before Dylan goes off air. Come on!

Hold on - there's no-one here!

Don't worry about that. There'll be a big crowd waiting

at the other end, OK? It'll be grand.

Ah, he's just describing it now, as we speak - listen to that.

'He came across the pond, a young man and his fridge,

'searching for meaning and purpose in their lives.'

Now, how are you at running with that fridge?

Excuse me, excuse me. Thank you.

And now, we take you live to James Conroy,

who is on the ground with the man himself - Jimmy?

You won't believe it, Dylan -

people are come out in their thousands to meet the Fridge Man.

It's a fine sight. They're carrying all manner of domestic appliances.

As we march leisurely through the streets of Dublin.

That's all for now, Dylan, we'll catch you later...

That's the beauty of radio.

So now, with this huge parade making its way majestically down Connor Street...

we go over to Roving Roisin at the Ulysses Shopping Mall.

Roisin?

Good morning to you, Dylan.

We have a huge crowd awaiting the arrival of Tony.

This is his destination. His final port of call.

People have travelled from all over Ireland to be here

and the atmosphere is one of high expectation.

A feeling of calm before the storm. There's tension in the air.

Go on, go!

We're all desperate to see Tony.

And we're all desperate to hear you seeing Tony. Where is he?

Here he is...running towards us.

I only wish I could be there with you guys.

-Hi.

-Hi. You made it then.

-Look, I've been thinking.

There's some things I want to say.

There's some things I'd like to say to you, too. But I can't say them on air and we are on air. Now.

Come on.

In these, the last few minutes of his epic journey, what thoughts

must be swirling around the fevered brain of fridge man, Tony Hawks.

As Confucius said, a march of 1,000 miles begins with a single step.

Fair play to Confucius but he probably didn't have his fridge with him.

He might have, but I don't think so.

Tony Hawks has taken a domestic appliance

on an odyssey to rival that of Homer.

He accepted a fridge-based bet.

A frigi-dare if you will.

And he rose to the challenge taking

the white good into uncharted territories.

And so, ladies and gentlemen, the fridge man has arrived

and it's down to Roving Roisin to take us through

the final stages of this historic day.

Let's have a big cheer for the fridge man.

APPLAUSE

Roisin, love, can you get Tony to say a few words, there, please?

APPLAUSE

Well I've realised over the past month of trundling my fridge

round Ireland that it's the first time I've ever really been

responsible for something or someone else.

I've scolded and confided in Saiorse.

I've eaten, slept, I'd even surfed with Saiorse

and all the time you good people have entered into the spirit.

You seem to accept the fact that in a way we're all pulling

something along behind us.

We've all got baggage.

But you know what, you don't need to worry about the baggage.

Because it's the baggage handler that counts.

Thank you very much for that, Tony. Wise words from a complete twit.

Now, let's not forget this whole absurd trip began as a drunken bet and Roisin,

-I believe you have someone there ready to make good on that bet?

-Indeed we do, Dylan.

All the way from London, it's Tony's best friend, Kevin.

APPLAUSE

Oh, uh, Tony, I didn't think that you could do this.

But I'm very pleased to say that you are a man who no longer needs

golf clubs, miracles, babies or pizza

because you have won yourself £100.

That's great, Kevin, thanks. Now tell us, what happens next?

Oh, right, well, obviously, a celebratory drink is in order

then it's straight back to the airport. I booked a seat for the fridge, first class of course.

At the cost of?

£100.

One thing remains.

To bestow upon you the fridge magnet mayoral chain of office.

Tony, Ireland now pronounces you its honorary fridge man.

APPLAUSE

RECORD PLAYS

Well, I've certainly got to hand it to you guys.

Talk about Irish blarney?

20 people turn up and you make it sound like the Pope's in town.

Very naughty but very funny, too.

You know, not so long ago you said it was too early.

It's much later now.

Yeah, well it's still not the right moment.

Nonsense. I've got a glass of champagne.

You've got a glass of champagne. Saiorse's got a glass of champagne.

That's not Saiorse any more.

This is a fridge. Yeah?

Look, Tony, the adventure, it's over, OK?

It might come as a surprise but some people are actually back in the real world now.

-Look, you don't understand.

-What?

This whole journey won't have meant anything if I'm not able to take

what I've learned along the way and translate it into the real world.

Just because it's over doesn't mean I have to lose faith in the fridge.

Yeah? Well people who have faith, they believe in miracles.

They tend to be really disappointed when they expect the whole world

and they end up with, as you said, in your act, pizza.

Look, Tony, what you said on air, it was, it was really lovely.

But, no matter how much you like the baggage handler,

there is also the matter of the baggage.

In my case, it's my seven-year-old son,

and I just don't think you could handle that.

Bye, Tony.

Bye.

-Mr Hawks?

-Yeah.

That's where you live, is it? On an island?

-That you have to row to and from?

-Yeah, it is now. Cool, isn't it?

Cold more like.

By the way, don't take the motorway.

-It'll take a lot longer if we don't.

-Take the river road, more beautiful.

I think it's quicker.

-Who shall I make it out to?