Sydney White

MUSIC: "New Day's Dawning" by Saturn Missiles

For Syd.

Syd!

Yo, sign Syd's card!

It's for Syd.

Hey, Syd!

Got a little something for you.

What's this?

Just a little something.

Aw...!

-Guys...

-From all of us.

Is it a Stanley 22oz anti-vibe framing hammer?

No.

Better than that. It's actually something you could use at college.

Come on.

SHE GASPS

I love it. Thanks, you guys.

Just don't spend ALL your time on it.

I know you've the scholarship to keep up with,

-but promise us all you'll raise hell sometimes!

-ALL: Yeah!

-Don't worry, Dad. I'll smile for my mug shot.

-Hm.

I'm gonna miss everybody.

Stu? Be careful with the nail gun.

Big Ron...!

Hold me, please.

Oh, all right!

-Good hug!

-Back to work.

OK...you're crushing me. Ow. My collarbone.

-SYDNEY:

-Know how people joke about being raised by wolves?

Well, I was raised by construction workers.

What have you got?

Peanut butter. It's so good.

-MAN WOLF WHISTLES MAN:

-Hey, mamacita!

WOLF WHISTLES

WOLF WHISTLES

Yeah!

'I was only nine when my mom died,

which means my formative years were left up to my dad.'

'Being a plumber did give him a certain unique perspective.'

Now, these up here are your, um...

your fallipian...

That's not right. Uh...

Fallopian. These are your...

Let's just call them your lady-tubes. All right?

Every month, you...

..lay an egg.

Like a chicken.

'My dad always did his best.'

Understand?

'But sometimes, a girl just needs her mom.'

Sydney! Time to get a move on, sweetheart!

Wow.

If your mom was here, she'd know exactly what to say.

She'd be so excited you're going to her school, gonna join her sorority.

-I'm not in yet, Dad.

-Girl, you're gonna fit into that place like a...

overflow tube in a pressure tank.

Come on, Dad. We said no mushy stuff.

Right! No mushy stuff.

BUS STARTS UP

Come here.

I love you, Dad.

(Mom) "Dear Sydney,

"I love you so much.

"I'm so sorry I'm not there to see you off to college.

"But since I can't be, I've put some of my favorite memories in this box.

"Live every moment, Sydney.

"Grab every opportunity.

"And have fun in everything you do.

"The friends you meet in college will be your friends for life.

"Perhaps you'll fill this box with your own memories to pass on to your daughter someday.

"And know that though I can't be there with you now,

I'm always right by your side every step of the way."

Still the fairest of them all.

-Well, hello there!

-Oh, hi! I didn't know anyone was in here.

Oh, that's OK. People sometimes don't see me. I'm Dinky.

-Oh, no, you're not...!

-No, silly, that's my name.

Oh, Dinky? That's your real name?

Of course not! My real name's Demetria Rosemead.

Dinky, it is. Hi, I'm Sydney White.

Sydney White? The other Kappa legacy?

Daughter of Paul White and Deborah Lee, Kappa pledge class 1980?

Yeah.

I'm sorry, I feel bad I didn't order your background check.

I'm the other Kappa legacy!

Oh, my gosh! This is so exciting!

I should've known they would've roomed us together for rush.

Don't get too comfortable. We're gonna move to the Kappa house!

Ah! We're gonna be sisters! (SQUEALS).

Yay. We're jumping now.

I've been waiting to become a Kappa since I can remember. All the women in my family were Kappas.

Look. My momma gave me her when I was five.

-She even has a little pledge pin.

-She sure does.

Does she come with a mini Kappa dream house?

Oh... Oh, I wish!

Now, what were you thinking about wearing to the first rush party?

Let me... Let me just show you what I was thinking.

-OK.

-Now, those...

Those are my top five.

Wow. I don't even have a top one.

-I might have a skirt in here somewhere.

-Oh, no...!

Did you have a luggage mishap?

-No.

-Well, what about in that bag?

Oh. Oh, this bag... Oh, wait until you see this!

My comic book collection.

Oh. My.

Pretty cool, huh?

Yeah. Uh... You know what?

Why don't you just wear something of mine to the first rush party?

Oh, OK. Yeah. That might be best.

You know, this is gonna be fun.

I've never really had a lot of girlfriends before.

Not just girlfriends.

Sisters!

DINKY SQUEAL SYDNEY TRIES TO SQUEAL

BRASS BAND PLAYS

MUSIC FALLS INTO DISCORD

I'd like to welcome Tyler Prince,

president of Beta Omega Rho fraternity.

Hey, everyone.

I've asked Tyler to come today to talk about a very special project.

So, the plan is...

We have a golden opportunity right on Greek Row.

-GIRL:

-The Vortex? Where all those freaks live?

THAT'S the golden opportunity?

No.

This is.

THE OTHERS GASP

The Witchburn-Prince Greek Life Center will soon break ground.

Tyler's parents and my parents have already donated the funds.

We just need to deal with the current...tenants.

I've been assured by the administration that it's a priority for the university for this year.

SOME CLAPPING

OK, so text me.

This is silly. When are you gonna stop all this and come back to me?

-You dumped me.

-It was middle school, what did I know?

I thought I was gonna marry a Backstreet Boy.

You still could.

-I gotta go pick up the keg.

-Yeah, well, I gotta go, too.

-I wish we had the same size feet.

-Oh, it's OK.

Isn't the whole point of this sisterhood thing that they like you for who you are?

Um... Sure.

-MALE:

-Ooh, nice!

Hellooo!

Welcome to SAU.

HE SNIGGERS

Hello...!

Nice.

Three's company.

Whoa!

Oh, hang on.

Vortex freak show starring puppet boy.

Oh, this is an official dork alert, man.

We got... We got Dork Skywalker.

-HE CHUCKLES

-Oohhh...!

Target acquired.

Incoming moose missile!

Hey. You OK?

I... I... I... ?

WHIMPERS

-You better keep this.

-You clearly need the practice!

(boy) Whoa, dude!

Come on, Dinks.

You do realise you just showed up the school's tight-end?

Hm. Hope he's second string.

Tyler Prince. Beta president.

Sydney White. No title.

Sorry. This is Dinky.

But we're gonna be late to our first rush party, so if you'll excuse us.

Oh, um, maybe he could help us find our way.

We're going to Kappa. Mm-hm.

All right, ladies. Let me be your Greek guide.

Each house has a reputation.

There's the Gamma Phis.

-They're, uh... perky.

-ALL SQUEAL

Very perky. Lots of cheerleaders.

And here's Pi Beta Omega.

Those girls can out-party any fraternity on campus.

What was the first house? The one with the Junior Tiger Guide?

-Uh, that would be the Vortex.

-A weird name for a fraternity.

It's not a fraternity.

It started off as overflow student housing.

Now it's just kinda there.

Here's our stop. Kappa Phi Nu.

-Well, thank you for the tour, Tyler.

-Yeah, th...

Sydney, you know what? I'm gonna meet you inside.

(Why?)

DINKY GIGGLES

The illegally blondes. You? Really?

Yeah. I... Is it the shoes?

-CHUCKLING:

-No! I love the shoes.

The Kappas are just a little...intense.

Oh, well, it was actually my mother's house.

Ah. Legacy. Is she all over you about rushing?

No. She...died nine years ago.

-I'm sorry.

-It's OK.

Kappas could use a girl like you.

I should know, they're our sister sorority.

So we'll be like brother and sister!

Not in, you know, the related, familial way,

but, you know, more in the fraternal, sororal...

Sororital? Is that a word?

Sorry. I tend to overtalk when I'm nervous.

It's a disease, one without a cure. So stop me any time. Please.

-You're nervous?

-Oh. No!

No, it's not you. Tyler, was it?

No, it's because of the whole rush, you know?

The very term is an amper-upper. It amps up the old nerves.

I have to go.

EXCITED CHATTER

OK, ladies. Listen up.

The doors are about to open. Our objective is?

ALL: Target cute pledges.

Exactly. And what do we want to avoid?

ALL: Fat losers.

Now, now. We all remember the code.

When I ask you to show a girl to the "koi pond," ditch her.

We also have two legacies coming today -

Dinky Hodgekiss and Sydney White.

When you meet them, find me immediately.

OK, girls. Are we ready?

ALL CHANT: Here comes a Kappa, queen of the Row.

She's hot, she's cool, she ain't no ho.

She's got style, she's got class,

and from behind a kickin'...

Kappa! Kappa! Kappa!

Kappa! Kappa! Kappa! Kappa!

Excuse me, Amy. Don't you remember?

You've been reassigned. Kitchen duty. Go on.

That's what happens when you gain 27lb of break-up weight over summer.

ALL: Kappa! Kappa! Kappa! Kappa!

DINKY JOINS IN: Kappa! Kappa! Kappa!

Hey.

Kappa! Kappa! Kappa!

CHANTING CONTINUES

Hey!

We've been dating for two years. I love him so much!

And next week, he's gonna pin me.

Pin you to what?

-GIRL: Hi, there.

-Oh, hi.

I'm Katy and this is Christy.

I'm Sydney White.

You're one of our legacies. Rachel's gonna be so excited!

Rachel, we'd like you to meet someone.

Oh...

Hi.

Girls, why don't you show this one the koi pond?

Ooh! I love koi ponds.

Great. Off you go.

This...is Sydney White.

(Three words - Leg-a-cy?)

Sydney, so pleased to meet you.

I'm so excited. My mom had a great experience here.

Katy, have you offered our guest a drink from the refreshment table?

-I'm actually not that thirst...

-No, no. Katy.

The refreshment table?

We have a situation. That girl is not Kappa material.

Really? I don't see anything wrong with her.

Christy, you know you're not as perceptive as I am.

She wouldn't know her Gucci from her Pucci.

AND I saw her throwing herself all over Tyler before she came in the house.

It was embarrassing.

Trust me, we do not want a Kappa who behaves that way.

See what I mean?

But we have to give her a bid. She's a legacy.

Her mom gets her the bid,

but she has to survive pledging all on her own.

Omigosh. I saw him outside, and he is definitely the hottest guy on campus.

Who's the hottest guy on campus?

Tyler Prince, the Beta president.

Oh, you know, I know that guy. He was really nice.

He showed me around Greek Row.

-Off limits. He's Rachel's boyfriend.

-Oh.

Yeah, they're off now, but they'll soon be on again.

All part of Rachel's 20-year plan.

He'll be a top litigator, she'll be a senator.

-It's so romantic.

-Yeah, it does sound romantic.

There is nothing more romantic than a 20-year plan. Am I right, ladies?

SYDNEY LAUGHS

So, Sydney, where does your dad work?

-Oh, he works mostly on construction sites.

-Oh.

My uncle's made a mint building malls. Your dad's a developer too?

Yeah. Something like that.

Night, girls. Get your beauty rest.

Now that you're Kappa pledges, it's a requirement.

# Lay you down, dear sweet pledge

# Lay your head on the pillow

# May you have lovely dreams

# Just as lovely as you are

Shh...!

-SYDNEY:

-Has anyone found the koi pond?

AIRHORN BLASTS

It's 12:01! Welcome to hell, skanks!

Over the next week, we'll be conducting what I like to call

pledge enlightenment.

We're not allowed to call it hazing. Not after what happened to Suzie.

We will find out which of you Prada princesses has what it takes to be a Kappa,

and which of you don't.

This is your first pledge task - the date dash.

You have until 12:15 to find a date and meet me at the State Street Diner.

No changing clothes, no makeup, no brushing your hair or teeth!

You have 15 minutes! Let's go!

Go! Go!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

(girl) Come on!

-Dinky! Dinky! What do we do?

-Oh, you just grab a guy.

Excuse me, sugar. Can I borrow you for a date dash?

-Hurry up, girl! Come on.

-OK...

Come on!

-Ah-choo!

-Hello? Hello?!

-BOY:

-Uh... Oh, uh, sorry.

I'm sorry. Uh...

Hi. Uh... I'm sorry I startled you. Can you...? Can you help me?

-Ah-choo!

-OK.

-Thanks.

-Sure.

-Ah-choo!

-Oh.

-Sorry. Thanks.

What are you doing in a...bush?

I dunno what happened. I was walking home and this crazed pack of girls came toward me.

So I dove for cover.

Yeah, vision not impaired. Sense of balance restored.

Feeling in fingers and toes. No visible...

Wait! You're a guy, right?

Yeah...

-What are you doing now?

-I'm waiting for an antihistamine to take effect.

-I need you to be my date.

-Your date?

Yeah. Let's go.

Oh, um, you better watch out, when I get excited, I tend to throw up.

-Just tell me when to duck.

-OK.

-Let's go!

-Oh, um, hey... I...

What's good? Wonderful.

You just made it.

-SYDNEY:

-How's the BLT?

Mm!

Oh, my God. Look at her with that pie.

It's a SO-rority, not a HO-rority.

So, tell me about the Vortex.

What's it like?

Uh...

I guess you'd call it a, uh... haven

for people who don't have anywhere else to go.

Some of us didn't get along with our roommates, some of us made others feel uncomfortable.

Some of us wet the bed.

Some of us wet the hallway.

Uh, all of us are outsiders.

Yeah, I know what that's like.

Uh, are you serious? You're a Kappa pledge.

By definition, very much an insider.

Would all the Kappa pledges join me over here for a moment?

-I guess I'll be right back.

-Yes.

OK, girls. It's time for your next pledge task.

The date-dash ditch.

This year's unsuitable date belongs to...

Sydney.

Sorry, you're gonna have to ditch him.

Ah-choo!

But my guy's really nice. And I dragged him all the way down here.

And he has a sinus infection and his athlete's foot is flaring up.

And he has glaucoma. He thinks. I cannot just ditch him.

I don't make the rules, Sydney.

If being a Kappa is important to you, then this is the price you pay.

-Hey, "date".

-Hey.

I ordered you another cup of coffee.

Oh.

I need you to meet me in the girls' bathroom.

-Another pledge ritual.

-Oh.

Oh. Oh. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

-OK.

-I'll meet you there.

DOOR FOOTSTEPS

Sydney?

BOTH SCREAM

-Pervert!

-Ow!

Looks like you get stuck with the check.

We live in a country that's considered to be the ultimate model of government.

By the people, for the people, and of the people.

But most Americans would be surprised to find how afraid the Founding Fathers were

of what a direct democracy could do to the country.

Can anyone tell me why?

SNORING

SNORING The young man snoring there, perhaps?

STUDENTS CHUCKLE

The Founding Fathers were afraid that direct democracy

would do to America what it did to Rome.

Alexander Hamilton even advocated a monarchy.

Exactly.

We are trained to think the more power the people have, the better.

Can any of you tell me some reasons why this isn't necessarily true?

Ah, Terrence. Still here after eight years.

What do you say we give someone else a chance to respond this time, huh?

Um... Ms Witchburn?

Most Americans don't educate themselves about the issues.

There are some valid arguments for keeping things a little bit more... elite.

You could even argue a case for certain types of oligarchy.

Interesting.

Let's hear from someone else. How about... you?

-Ms...?

-White.

Ms White.

Any thoughts?

Um...

I guess I think that's...

underestimating the masses a bit.

Not to mention overestimating the elites.

Apartheid was an oligarchy, and no one wants that again.

Excellent.

Alicia, what year was Kappa Phi Nu founded?

1902. Very good.

Mm!

-Want some breakfast?

-Yeah.

Help yourself.

Breakfast is good.

Ugh!

It's called moisturiser. Try some.

Next.

Ugh. Your pores are enormous.

They have a thing called whitening toothpaste. Next.

Dinky. Kappa founder Kitty Cooper's hometown?

Little Rock!

DINKY GIGGLES

Lose the big hair. This isn't Dallas.

Bye.

Eyebrows... meet tweezers.

Tweezers, meet your worst nightmare.

SOCIABLE CHATTER

Next. Next. Next.

OK, future sisters. Get your lazy asses up.

You're gonna clean the bathroom.

GROANS

-At the Beta fraternity house.

-LOUDER GROANS

Sydney, the Kappa Phi Nu colours?

-Green and white.

-Wrong. Emerald and pearl.

Sorry. I'm still learning how to speak priss.

ALL GASP

SCREAMING

You know what? Don't change a thing.

You just keep walking around looking just like that.

-You again.

-Oh.

-Morning.

-Hi.

Sorry you had to do that. Some of the girls look a little traumatised.

Yeah. It's OK. I, uh... I spend a lot of time in bathrooms.

No, no. I don't mean like that, I just mean that, um...

I don't go to the bathroom a lot, l...

Well, sometimes I do. Kinda depends on what I eat.

Just to be clear, I spend a normal amount of time in the bathroom.

-Sydney. It's time to get back to the house.

-OK.

Don't ask(!) We had to take her.

I think she's cool.

And cute.

Just admit they're cooler.

You don't know what the hell you're talking about.

There is no way that a pirate is cooler than a ninja.

Ninja's live like monks. Pirates get booty. End of discussion.

Hi. I'm returning these and I've a couple of poli-sci's on reserve.

I'm impressed. I don't get a lot of pledges in here studying.

Well, they probably don't have scholarships to maintain.

You and your drunken, whoring pirates represent the lowest common denominator in society!

CHUCKLES All right.

I think we can all agree that a pirate-ninja would be the coolest thing EVER.

Hi.

Oh, hi.

Hellohhh...!

I wanted to apologise for what I did to you in the bathroom.

-What did she do to you in the bathroom?

-What did she do?!

It was a stupid pledge prank and I'm really, really sorry.

Hey, it wasn't exactly surprising behaviour for a Kappa.

Come on. Uh... Let's go.

Excuse me.

If it makes you feel any better, they threw baloney at us while we sang Celine Dion songs!

LAUGHTER

Girls, it's been a long journey, but you're almost done.

Tomorrow night is our Presents Dance where you'll be introduced as official Kappa sisters.

It's tradition for the current sisters to pass down their Presents gowns to the new pledges.

-After all, we're all size two.

-POLITE GIGGLING

Except you, Amy.

As president, I will draw the first name.

This lucky girl is getting one of Milan's finest.

Sydney White.

Yay!

Come, Sydney.

COUGHS

COMPUTER BEEPS

Hey, Christy, why don't you check your standing?

I'm sure you've cracked the top 20 by now.

Uh, what's that?

Just the school's Hot or Not ranking on MySpace.

-It's just some dumb list.

-Huh. That does sound dumb.

Really dumb. I bet lame people just spend all day voting for themselves.

No, we don't. We're only allowed to vote once a day. Right, Rachel?

Hey, Rach, you're still number one.

Am l? How cute.

It's been that way for forever. You know how people are.

They just stick with the status quo. That's why new people never make it on.

Oh, my God! Sydney's on it - number 213.

-I am?

-Let me see that.

I thought you said new people never make it on the list.

Well, like you said, it's just some dumb list.

But aren't we just so lucky to have you as a pledge?

And I think you're gonna look just gorgeous in...

Perfect. Totally you. Practically screams number 213.

RINGTONE

Hey, Tyler!

Oh, you're so bad!

I have to take this.

-RACHEL:

-Jenny Robinson.

-APPLAUSE

Dinky Hodgekiss.

Alicia Fairchild.

Bunchie Hathaway.

And finally, Sydney White.

I present to you this fall's Kappa Phi Nu pledge class.

You look...incredible.

-Thank you.

-Dance?

SOFT-ROCK MUSIC

Who are you, Sydney White?

You throw a football like Matt Leinart,

fearlessly conquer fraternity bathrooms,

and clean up nice, to boot.

Well, I'm more of a Peyton Manning. Leinart's a lefty.

-Marry me.

-SYDNEY LAUGHS

So, uh, they go all-out for these shindigs, huh?

It's a weird word - "shindig."

You eat? Because there are some hors d'oeuvres over there.

You know, I tried to eat a plastic flower once. Kinda hurt.

I'm rambling again, aren't l?

I'm starting to think I make you nervous.

LAUGHS

No...!

Congratulations. You are now a Kappa sister.

Congratulations. You are now a Kappa sister.

Congratulations. You are now a Kappa sister.

Congratulations. You are now a Kappa sister.

Congratulations. You are now a Kappa sister.

You are now a Kappa sister. You are now a Kappa sister.

-ECHOING:

-Kappa sister... sister... sister...

Congratulations. You are now a Kappa sister.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid we have a bit of a situation.

Every so often, it is the unfortunate duty of the president to act as judge and jury.

Sydney White has exhibited inappropriate Kappa behaviour.

GASPS AND MURMURS

-Is this a pledge prank?

-It certainly is not.

You are guilty of the following infractions:

you brought an unsuitable date to the date dash,

cheated during a pledge quiz,

revealed a secret pledge ritual to the entire library,

and, finally, lied about your background.

We all know your dad is actually a plumber.

As Kappa president, according to statute 25A of the sorority charter,

I hereby dismiss Sydney White from the Kappa pledge class.

I don't know what your mother got away with when she was here,

but you will NEVER be a Kappa.

You know what? Thank you!

Because if this is what sisterhood's all about, then I don't want any part of it.

I want that dress back.

-Take it!

-GASPS

LOUD THUNDERCLAPS

I will see your Cobra Commander,

and I will raise you a mint. Unopened.

Power of the Force, Return of the Jedi, Luke Skywalker in...

..battle poncho.

Wow.

We fold.

Which is better?

Three A's or two of the cards with the ladies on them?

-You dope.

-What?

If you have both, it's a full house.

How is it you always win at cards,

but you can't make it from Junior Tiger Guide to Tiger Guide?

It's one badge, OK? It's one badge.

Knots are hard.

Does anyone know another word for "douchebaggery"?

I don't want to use it a third time.

Gurkin, no one reads your whiny blog anyway.

Peoplespunisher.com is not about being read, it's about being written.

ELECTRIC CRACKLING

Good morning, Embele.

SPEAKS AFRICAN LANGUAGE

Where do you think he goes?

HEAVY RAINFALL

Outside, a lady waits. She wears jean pants and looks very sad.

There's a girl outside? Yesss!

Am I looking good? Yes.

Oh! It's the bathroom babe!

I'm gonna go work the Spanky magic.

SOBS

Ahem!

Sorry. You probably don't want me sitting out here.

And I understand. Especially you.

And you were right about the whole Kappa thing.

I'll go.

Did they really make you sing Celine Dion?

Yeah.

Do you need a place to stay?

Guys, this is Sydney.

Uh, she needs a place to stay.

She gave up her dorm room to pledge Kappa.

Sydney, these are the guys.

Gurkin.

Terrence.

George.

Jeremy.

-Don't forget me.

-Oh, of course. Skoozer.

Jeremy's shy. He had several therapists as a kid.

One of them recommended a puppet. He never stopped using it.

-You'll get used to Skoozer.

-Yeah, it's OK.

As long as he doesn't hump my bunny slippers.

No promises!

SYDNEY LAUGHS SKOOZER BARKS

SMALL BANG

Uh... That's Embelackpo Akimbatunde. We just call him Embele.

He's from Nigeria and hasn't adjusted to the time change.

His days and nights are actually reversed.

Jet lag, huh? When did he get here?

Three years ago.

Thank you.

Of course! I have to invert the ratio.

Come on, Bilbo.

-And what exactly is he doing?

-We have no idea.

Welcome to the Vortex.

COUGHS

-Sydney?

-Oh, hi. Come in.

Hi. Uh...

I'm sorry. I know it can be a little spooky up here at night, so I brought you this.

That night light has gotten me through some pretty tough times.

Oh. Thanks, that's really sweet.

-Hey, is that Dark Fury number four?

-Yeah.

-The one with the first appearance

-(BOTH) ..of The Emerald Mask.

-GEEKY LAUGH

-You may be more Vortex than Kappa after all.

So, uh, are you all set? Do you need anything?

A hypoallergenic pillow? Humidifier? Dehumidifier? Ionizer?

-Nope. I think I'm all good on the medical-supply front.

-You sure?

There's a lot of dust. I've actually got loads of allergy medicine.

You? Allergies? I never would've guessed.

Just the usual - dairy, wheat, peanuts,

bee stings, cats, Wow, that's a lotta...

..shellfish, pollen, wood...

A few others.

But it's getting late. You're probably tired.

-Well, yeah. Public humiliation can be pretty tiring.

-Yeah, I know.

Oh, um, I don't know if you need any sort of special...

lady products, or...

No, no. I'm good. Thanks, though.

Thanks for everything, Lenny.

Heeey...! SPANKY GUFFAWS

I dunno if you, uh, need to do anything...

Spanky, go.

Sorry about that. Um... Lemme know if he bothers you.

Spanky's kind of... Well, he LIKES girls, but he doesn't KNOW many.

But he keeps himself happy.

You may find this hard to believe, but, um, most of the guys here

don't have a lot of experience with girls.

MUSIC: "Also Sprach Zarathustra" by Richard Strauss

Dudes... that thing has touched boobs.

Of course! The sturdy, breathable fabric

-is designed to maintain mammary elasticity.

-Shut up, Terrence!

You're RUINING the moment for me!

CALLING TONE

-"Hello."

-Oh, hey, Dad. Did I wake you?

What? Are you kidding? How was the big dance?

That's actually why I was calling.

"Well, come on. I've been waiting up to hear. Tell me all about it."

It was great. Yeah, it's all very exciting.

Sydney, I'm sure your mom's right there taking it all in with you.

I know.

That's what I keep thinking.

-"Good night, sweetie."

-Night, Dad.

Oh!

Um... this place is a deathtrap.

How about some repairs?

Sydney, don't start.

You know why we can't get any damn repairs?

I'll tell you why. Campus-wide, systematic, Greek oppression.

Read peoplespunisher.com if you wanna know more. I did a series on it.

I don't know what needing repairs has to do with the Greek system.

-It isn't even Greek.

-Precisely! That's the problem.

Rachel Witchburn and the Greeks run the student council.

The student council dictates all budget appropriations.

Over the past 14 semesters, 87.3% of all campus-event funding

has been devoted to the Greek system.

Are you kidding me?

I don't kid.

-GURGLING

-Ooh. Won't be long now.

Why is everyone on this campus willing to let Rachel Witchburn run their lives?

Cos she... she's kind of...

scary.

Hey, Rachel!

Check it out. The diet's working. I lost 5 pounds.

I think your ass found it.

-TYLER:

-Hey!

Hey!

Sydney.

Sydney.

Hi. Listen, about last night...

Last night? Hm, wait, lemme think... Oh, yeah!

When your girlfriend humiliated me.

-Good times.

-Trust me - Rachel's not my girlfriend.

And not everyone in Greek Row is like her.

-Give me a chance to prove that to you.

-GIRL:

-Run for student council!

I'm actually kinda busy... juggling seven guys at the moment, so...

-Whoah...!

-I gotta go.

-Hey, can I have a sign-up sheet?

-Yeah.

Actually, can I have seven?

Don't worry, ladies.

We won't have to deal with the public once the Vortex is torn down

and my Greek Center's built.

-CELLPHONE BEEPS

-Oh. Is it four o'clock already?

Loser, loser,

Kappa, Kappa,

Kappa, lose...

What?!

This isn't happening!

Wow. I guess her little striptease act got some attention.

-HYPERVENTILATES

-Rachel? Rachel.

Use your soothing words.

Prada... Gucci...

Chanel...

Sydney, Sydney, SYDNEY! Augh!

Hey, guys!

There you go.

I've found a way for you to get the Vortex repaired.

We're signing you up to run for student council, all seven of you.

ALL LAUGH.

Very funny, Sydney. Next you'll tell us Admiral Adama's a Cylon.

I have no idea what you just said. But I'm serious.

You'll all run on a ticket and take over the entire student council.

No non-Greek has won a student-council office since 1992.

And look where that's gotten us.

-Ow.

-Yes, George, ow.

We've taken enough of their abuse.

I'll be your campaign manager and I'll be with you every step of the way.

I am in.

Good. Who else is with me? Come on, guys.

Do you really wanna spend the rest of college locked up in this crap hole, disenfranchised and powerless?

OK.

No! George, no.

-You don't wanna be powerless.

-No.

Please don't give up.

Did the Avengers give up when the Black Knight sprayed New York with that foam?

-No.

-No.

With the help of a criminal glue specialist, they freed everyone.

-I'm your criminal glue specialist!

-Yeah!

-Now, who's running for president?

-Not it.

-Not it.

-Not it.

Ootee.

Oh. I never win at that game.

Terrence it is. Let's get started!

MUSIC: "Revolution" by The Veronicas.

So...?

Hm.

Mm-hm.

Mm. Nice.

I did it!

Hey, Terrence.

Bye, Terrence.

This is the GYM.

A lot of people hang out here.

Work off some of those doughnuts and maybe even talk to a few people.

I... I don't know.

Come on. It's a Saturday afternoon. What else would you be doing?

Oh, we always do play fantasy video games and then re-enact them.

Are you not entertained?

Mm, tempting. But I think we're gonna stick with this.

Oh, I-I can't do it. My arms ache.

I may have muscular dystrophy.

Muscular dystrophy is a birth defect.

Lenny, they're 2lb.

Each!

You got it? STRANGE GRUNT

-What?

-I said...

Damn, Embele! You're going to town. Where'd you get all that energy?

I just awaken an hour ago.

LAUGHS

-It's OK...!

-It fell on my foot.

(TV) "Rachel Witchburn has led the student council

to great heights over the past two years."

"In addition to repaving Greek Row,

Rachel beautified Greek Row's grounds

and expanded parking privileges for Greek Row."

"Re-elect Rachel Witchburn. Vision. Leadership. Progress."

"I'm Rachel Witchburn and I approved this message."

Can you believe that? Who would fall for that?

PERSON CLAPS

George. No.

No.

Prada... Gucci...

Chanel... Armani.

SCREAMS

-HIP-HOP MUSIC

-Freedom for the people!

Freedom to the 7th Power!

-Come one, come all.

-Get down, Freedom to the 7th Power.

Come on and learn about Freedom to the 7th Power?

-Oh, yeah, check us out.

-This is the spot!

-Freedom!

-MUSIC STOPS

-I don't think we're making much of an impression.

-Yeah. I was worried.

A-ha. Free drinks! Free drinks over here!

Freedom to the 7th Power! Free drinks!

Serve and socialise.

Who wants a burger?

-Hi.

-Hi.

Uh, I just wanted to apologise for what happened.

I really am sorry.

It's OK.

So, how's life as a Kappa?

-Oh, you know, it's... it's good.

-Hey, is one of these...?

-Yes, Lenny.

-The greenish one is your gluten-free soy patty.

-Excellent!

Do you have any extra of those?

-Are you allergic to gluten too?

-Oh, all my life.

And it is so hard to find a decent gluten-free soy patty.

Well, today's your lucky day because these are sensational.

-Lenny, this is my friend Dinky.

-Oh, it's so nice to meet you.

-Dinky. Right? Nice to meet you, Dinky.

-Um, Dinky...

..we're over there.

-Hi, Sydney. It's nice you found some people you fit in with.

-Isn't it!

If only there were a place where a superficial, materialistic bitch

could fit in. Oh, wait, there is.

Whatever. It's so cute making your little friends run for student council.

It is cute. And it'll be even cuter when we win.

Just so you know, non-Greeks never win.

Just like new people never make it on your "Hot or Not" list, right?

Let me give you one tip, Sydney.

I'm the last person you wanna mess with.

No. You're the first.

Come on, let's go.

It was nice seeing you, Sydney. You too, Lenny.

LENNY STUTTERS

You realise she was flirting with you?

-Yeah.

-No...!

-Who's gonna win today?

-ALL: Sharks gonna win today!

-Who, who, who?

-Sharks, sharks, sharks!

CHEERING

Who's gonna win today?

Well, when the temperature drops below 60 and there's a headwind,

the forces on the ball create an unfavourable magnitude and direction.

The resulting spatial vector leads to an increase in the Sharks fumble ratio.

I anticipate a double-digit loss.

That dude's a freak.

I dunno about you, but I gotta change my bet.

-Wait, I think we graduated with that dude.

-Huh?

The election's coming up and we could use your vote.

LENNY SHRIEKS Hey, dudes! Throw the Frisbee back!

Go on. Someone pick it up and throw it on back.

Over here!

Ow!

Heads up!

TYLER HUMS SONG

MAN HUMS: "When I See You Smile"

(Dude, I think you have the wrong desk.)

HE JOINS IN

(Yeah. You definitely have the wrong desk.)

HUMMING CONTINUES

# When I see you smile

# I can face the world

# You know, I can do anything

# When I see you smile

# I see a ray of light

# Oh, oh

# I see it shining right through the rain

# When I see you smile

# Baby, when I see you smile at me

# Ooh... #

-(Tyler, have you lost your mind?)

-No, but I will keep singing unless you agree to go out with me.

-Just one date.

-(No.)

# ..When I see you smile... #

OK!

Pick me up at seven.

And it's not a date.

Done. But dinner's served at five.

Nice work, Beta freshmen. Dismissed.

So, what do you guys think? This is what I wore to my college interview

so I thought it would be, you know, a nice first-date outfit.

No, it's terrible. You look like Barbara Walters.

-And you said this wasn't a date.

-It is not a date.

We're just friends and, you know, I don't like him like that.

Only a little. You know, occasionally. When his shirt's off.

-I have no idea.

-Huh! That's how it always starts.

You never plan these things. First you're friends.

-Then you're all, "Hi! Are you here to fix the copier?"

-Argh! You are no help.

Why are you so nervous? You must have been on plenty of dates before.

I don't know if you have figured this out, but I'm not exactly the prom-queen type.

-Yeah, but you're pretty, Sydney.

-Thanks, George.

-But I've had about as much dating experience as you guys.

-Whoa! Speak for yourself.

THEY GROAN

-LENNY:

-I see what you mean.

-You need something sexy.

-But warm.

-Purple's pretty.

-My mom used to wear mauve.

-What about fuchsia?

-No! That looks like it itches.

-Let me see.

-Don't push.

Three-quarters of first dates end in disappointment

for one or both parties, studies show.

-I hope you beat the odds.

-Me, too.

HE SNEEZES

If you try any funny stuff, I will unleash the power of the internet on you.

-I will register you as a sex offender in all 50 states and Canada.

-Wow.

-Yeah!

And I'll kick your ass.

Hi. >

You look...

-Thanks.

-What was that all about? That's nothing. You should see the plumbing.

LOUD BANG

-What was that?

-That's just Terrence. You get used to it. Let's go.

Bye, guys.

-"Bye, Sydney."

-All 50 states, pal.

MUSIC: "Beautiful Soul" by Jesse McCartney

So, your idea of a date is to convert me?

Now it's a date, huh?

Hey, guys.

You serve meals to the homeless? I had no idea.

He had no choice.

Not unless he had some other plan to get that infraction off his permanent record.

Me and the Betas, we got in some trouble.

Let's just say a few campus ordinances were violated.

-A few?

-And you're working your hours off here?

Nice to see you recruiting my best students, Tyler. Sydney, happy to have you here.

Happy to be here.

So, do my hours tonight count towards working off Tyler's dirty deeds?

Actually, he fulfilled his requirement last year. We just can't seem to get rid of him.

MUSIC: "Stolen" by Dashboard Confessional

Watch your step. We're almost there.

Wow.

This is beautiful.

If you look over there, you can almost see Greek Row.

-Which is probably the last thing you want to see.

-Yeah.

It's just... growing up without my mom,

I was hoping that becoming a Kappa would help me connect with her.

Sydney, you don't need Kappa.

I know. I feel close to her just being at the school.

You know, I found her name carved into my study carrel.

No way.

Hey, is this where you bring all your first non-dates?

Luring the babes with this whole do-gooder thing?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Sorority girls can't get enough of it.

"Tyler, this place doesn't even have a maitre d'."

"Tyler, these plates are plastic. Touching them hurts my hands."

-You're the first girl I've met I thought would appreciate this place.

-Well, I do,

even if there was no bathroom attendant.

-I had to turn the faucet myself.

-HE LAUGHS

TYLER: Here we are.

All right. Well...

Thank you.

I had a great time.

You're trying not to over-talk right now, aren't you?

Whoa-a!

I'm OK. My spleen broke my fall.

- Hi, guys. - Hey.

- Sydney. What a surprise. - Um, we were just watching the...

TV: Touchdown!

The game?

Mm-hm.

- Yeah, who's playing? - Um, the...

St Louis Gorillas.

You guys were spying on me. And just for that,

I'm not going to tell you about my date.

- Oh, come on, Sydney. - Nope.

Good night, boys.

Oh, man.

I should probably see a doctor.

Hey, sexy.

Rachel, what the hell are you doing here?

Besides reading your boring emails, nothing.

Tell me what you were doing out...with her.

You know what, Rachel? I like Sydney. Deal with it.

I don't care if you like her or not.

All I care about is our Greek Life Centre.

Sydney and her band of goobers are screwing with our plans.

It's not like they have a shot at winning the election.

Maybe we should just leave them alone.

I mean, that dump is obviously really important to them.

I don't know why anyone would want to live there.

That firetrap should be condemned.

Look, we can find another location. Now, get outta here already.

One date and you're ready to blow the whole deal?

It was a hell of a date.

'Normally I'd be reporting that Rachel Witchburn...'

Guys, look!

'..once again has a lock on the student council presidency.

'But now there's a new player on the scene -

'Terrence Lubinecki and his Freedom To The 7th Power party.

'Do they have a shot? Can they even make a dent? Stay tuned.'

THEY LAUGH AND CHEER You're a good-looking guy.

Check it out. Maybe I'll actually vote this year.

Yeah, cool.

- Hey, which of these should I wear? - I don't care.

- But I have a date. - I don't care.

Come to my room and help me get dressed!

What is wrong with you?

Rachel, you can't come in here. I just farted.

Ew, Katy. You're disgusting.

SLOW MOTION ROAR: No!

RACHEL SCREAMS

Get off me, you freaks!

No! Rach...

What?!

No...

NO!

Rachel, do you want to try your soothing words?

I don't need my soothing words. It's all become very clear to me.

Sydney White must die a social death

and take her seven dorks with her.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Great. Here comes Prince Charming.

Guys, please. Just give him a chance.

GUN COCKS That means you, Gurkin.

Put the paintball gun away.

Hi. Come on in.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

- Are you ready? - Actually, I have a better idea.

We all hang here at the Vortex and order pizza.

ALL: What?

THEY WHIMPER Sounds good to me.

Hey, is that Medal Of Honor?

GURKIN: No, it's not Medal of Honor.

Medal of Honor is for wusses.

It's Gurkin of Honor. I made it.

It pays tribute to Medal of Honor, God of War, Halo and Viva Pinata.

I'm pretty good at all those games. You mind if I give it a shot?

OK. THEY CACKLE

Shh!

GUNFIRE AND ROARING

Oh!

Eat lead, sucker!

Gurkin, damn, he just kicked your ass. Nice.

I have to say, I'm impressed.

None of these freaks have come close to winning Gurkin Of Honor.

- We Betas play video games, too. - You do?

Yeah. What did you think we do?

Just have sex with girls all the time.

I hate to break it to you, Spanky, but we're really just regular guys.

Aw. He's like a kid who just found out there's no Santa Claus.

What?!

I mean, hypothetically, you know, if there weren't a Santa Claus,

which, of course, there is.

You guys should come hang out sometime. Bring Gurkin of Honor.

Actually, we're having a party tomorrow night. You guys want to come?

MUSIC: "Breakin' Dishes" by Rihanna

You made it. Uh, the bar's over there

and the DJ's taking requests.

Do you think he has the Dr. Who theme song?

I'm thinking not.

That's OK. I brought my own.

As for you, the dance floor is this way.

CHANTING: ..25, 26,

27, 28,

29, 30,

31, 32...

THEY CHEER

All right, all right, who's next? Anybody think they can beat that?

Yes, I do.

HE SNORTS He thinks...

The dork thinks he can beat it. All right, good luck, buddy.

Whatever you say, man. Come on.

Argh! No, no.

No, no.

CROWD GASPS

Start counting.

THEY CHANT: One, two,

three, four,

five, six, seven, eight...

I hope the guys are OK.

I haven't heard any girlish screams, so I'm thinking we're good.

Sure looks like it.

..149, 150, 151,

152, 153,

154, 155...

THEY CHEER

That was badass!

That was awesome.

- Lenny. - Ah...

Hey.

Oh, wow, I love your new hairstyle.

I... I, um... Yeah. Uh...

Dinky, Rachel needs you right away.

- Oh, but I just... - It's an emergency.

Oh, no, OK. Bye.

How come you haven't come out to party before? You guys are so cool.

Really?

Oh, yeah. We've been watching you. Where have you studs been hiding?

The building at the end of the road.

It's called the Vortex cos it sucks in losers.

That's sexy.

Well, boys, there's seven of us and seven of you.

What's that sound like to you?

14?

Sounds like a party to me.

You know, there's a hot tub out back.

Through that door there's a study that leads right to it.

- You can leave your clothes there. - But we...

We don't have any swimming trunks.

Neither do we.

MUSIC: "Oh, Boy" by Boomish

We'll meet you back there.

Oh, boy.

SPANKY: Girls? Where are you?

Where's the hot tub?

Marco!

CROWD GASPS

WOMAN: They're naked!

Oh, no.

LAUGHTER AND JEERING

It must be cold out there.

- Oh, no. - Thanks for putting on a show.

This is low, even for you, Rachel.

Aw, Sydney, so nice of you to care about them.

Since you're the mastermind behind

their adorable little student council campaign,

let me be the first to break the news.

Terrence has been disqualified from running for president.

What are you talking about?

Terrence Lubinecki is not a student at Southern Atlantic.

He graduated six years ago.

I had to stay. There was just so much more learning to do.

Terrence, maybe you should put on some clothes.

OK.

Rachel, why don't you get the hell outta here?

Ooh, I love it when you get rough.

And, Ty, thanks for playing your part so well.

That's the other good news.

The Witchburn-Prince Greek Life Centre is now a reality.

Witchburn-Prince? What the hell...?

You didn't tell her? I thought you guys were so close.

It's a little joint project of ours

and the only thing standing in our way was the Vortex.

So, like you suggested, Tyler,

I went ahead and had it condemned.

Now you can eat with the homeless every night.

You had something to do with this?

No. I mean, I said the place was a dump, but I didn't...

Witchburn-Prince, huh? So you wanted to tear down the Vortex.

Yeah, I did, but... I don't want to hear it.

- Sydney! - No.

Don't grovel, Tyler.

You're above it.

Things are looking grim, brothers.

I am so sorry about this, you guys.

You should've just left us alone.

We were fine until you came along and made us your guinea pigs.

You guys... It's so important for us to stand up to the Greeks

and show them that they can't trample all over us.

Well, it's also important for us to have a place to live.

PHONE RINGS

- 'Hello?' - Dad?

LAUGHING: 'Got you. You've reached Royal Plumbing at the White House.

'No, not that one. This is Paul and Sydney's. Leave a message.'

BEEP Hi, Dad. I was just calling to say...I miss you.

And that's it. Um...

Everything's great here. Really great.

I love you.

It was that message last night.

I could tell something wasn't right. I could hear it in your voice.

So I got in the van and I drove all through the night.

I was a little surprised to find you weren't at the Kappa house, though.

I wanted to tell you so many times but...

I kept thinking about Mom and I felt like I'd failed her.

And you always sounded so proud of me on the phone.

Sweetheart, following in your mother's footsteps is not about reliving her life.

It's about being the same kind of person she was.

Hey.

Your mom was much more than just a Kappa.

She was a woman who always fought for what she believed in, and so are you.

Nothing could make me prouder than that.

Not even when I installed that water filtration system in under an hour?

That was pretty great.

BOTH LAUGH

HE SIGHS

KNOCK AT DOOR

But it says, "Do not disturb."

KNOCKING CONTINUES

Up and at 'em, guys!

It's time to make some plans.

I know you're still pissed at me, but come on. Are you gonna wallow here in this fleabag motel

because some prissy girly-girl who probably doesn't know who Gandalf is screwed us over?

You're right. I bet she doesn't know who Gandalf is.

ALL LAUGH

-We're still mad at you, though.

-That's OK. I want you to be mad.

I want you to get fired up so we can win this election,

because the Freedom to the 7th Power party will prevail.

-Yeah!

-With our new candidate for president.

Me. I'm gonna run against Rachel.

And we're gonna take her down.

MUSIC: "Stand Up" by Melee

"I'm Sydney White and I'm running for student council president..."

"I'm Sydney White and I'm running for student council president on the Freedom to the 7th Power ticket."

Your papers count for three quarters of your final grade and no late papers will be accepted.

As you're writing these papers, I want you to think about the mechanics of modern campaigning.

"You may be wondering why you should even care. Why bother voting?"

"The Greeks win every year and it's one more way they run the school."

There's a whole lot of talk today about the need to cater to your base,

but there's something to be said for thinking outside of that box.

(Sydney) Freedom to the 7th Power!

-Whoo-hoo!

-Freedom to the 7th Power!

(MAN) Good job.

(HE GROANS)

"The fact is that 80% of the student body at Southern Atlantic is not Greek. 80%!"

Take the Kennedy campaign in 1960. He was inherently an outsider,

a Catholic had never been elected as president, who reached out to other outsiders.

(STUDENTS CHANT IN HEBREW)

-L'chaim.

-(ALL) L'chaim.

"(Sydney) To those students I say, it's time for you to be heard."

(Carlton) Minorities, women, the poor,

the disenfranchised won that election for John Kennedy.

"Naked Pain." An epic poem in 12 parts.

"It's time for you to be heard, and we are here to listen."

(CHEERING)

(CHANTING IN HEBREW)

It's a lesson worth remembering.

Whoo-hoo!

(CHEERING)

(Rachel) Here you go. Don't vote for Sydney White.

Let's keep it Greek, all right? Does this look like your next president?

Vote Rachel Witchburn.

Hi, ho.

Bye, ho.

Don't vote for Sydney White. Vote Rachel Witchburn. Rachel Witchburn.

No way. You read Peoples Punisher too?

I write it.

Oh, my God! It's the most genius thing ever.

Did you know that the Brew House has a spoken-word night devoted to that blog?

-Really?

-Yeah.

And I know this is really embarrassing,

but I swore that if I ever met the Peoples Punisher guy,

well, I'd hook up with him.

Dammit!

Need some help?

Oh. Hi.

Listen, I'm really...

Is that a Stanley 22 ounce AntiVibe framing hammer?

-Yes, it is.

-Can I touch it?

You can have it.

I saw you guys with the signs. I thought I could help.

And I'm really sorry about what happened the other night.

I had nothing to do with what Rachel pulled.

Yeah, I was involved in the Greek Center, but Rachel twisted everything around.

Yeah, I know what that's like.

You're gonna do great at the debate tomorrow.

(HEAVY ROCK MUSIC)

I thought we might do a little business.

Huh.

-I thought you finished Carlton's paper last week.

-I did.

I wanted to add some of the ideas from our campaign.

You really are a dork.

What just happened?! Make it come back.

She just opened it.

Voila! One poisoned Apple.

(GROANS)

(COMPUTER VOICE) "Self-destruct."

(Lenny) Oh, my God!

Oh,... no!

All right, pay up.

Yes!

She's gone catatonic.

It's no use. Even I can't fix this.

My paper, due tomorrow.

The debate, tomorrow.

The guy definitely knew what he was doing.

(Terrence) What about...? Ow!

I can't let her win like this.