You Instead

'Hello, I'm Kim Cox, and this is Traffic Jam on ecolobby.org.

'Today we're coming to you from T in the Park,

'Scotland's biggest music festival,

'with an exclusive acoustic performance

'by US chart toppers The Make.

'Take it away, lads...'

-BOTH:

-One, two, three, four.

MUSIC: "You Instead"

# He got loved up on the seashore

# Kissing with a girl He'd never met before

# The food was sparse But the drink was plenty

# Jack was 16 And Jill had just turned 20

# Lying there on the midnight scent

# He said he'd give her the sky If she held his hand

-BOTH:

-# She counted every star In the sky and said

# I-I don't want that I want you instead

# I-I don't want that I want you instead

# If you don't rearrange us

# If you don't rearrange us

# If you don't rearrange us

# If you don't rearrange

# She got loved down on the seashore

# Kissing with a boy She never met before

# The food was sparse But the booze was plenty

# Jill was 16 And Jack had just turned 20

# Lying there on the midnight sand

# He said he'd give her the sky If she held his hand

# She counted every star In the sky and said

# I-I don't want that I want you instead

# I-I don't want that I want you instead

# I don't want that I want you instead

# I-I don't want that I want you instead

# II don't want that I want you instead

# I-I don't want that I want you instead... #

Oh, shit. Right.

OK.

The battery's gone flat now.

You told me you completely charged it up, you utter moron.

-Check out the wee car.

-Hey, do you need a push?

Guys?

-Is that The Make?

-Can you fuck off?

I said can you fuck off? We're rolling.

What'd she say? She's what?

She just gave me the finger.

She's saying something about rolling.

-Rolling over?

-Only one thing for it!

# We won't change... #

Are you rolling now?

-Whoa! Hey!

-Bit more.

Hey! Whoa!

Hey, guys!

-Hey, you, Mr Lady.

-Mr Lady?

Do you want a gigantic veiny lawsuit up your fucking ass?

What?

You almost killed my band. That is attempted murder.

It's unconventional, but, hey, I feel welcome.

Hey, man, you all right?

You and your slag blowhole could be going away for a long time.

-Hey, Bobby, we're fine.

-Do you understand me?

Our little eco brownie here has it all on tape.

-Can I get the tape, please?

-No.

-Just give me the tape!

-Bobby, breathe.

-So you guys are who?

-The Dirty Pinks.

The Dirty Pinks? Why didn't you just call yourselves The Vaginas?

That is nice, actually, because you are gonna get fucked.

-Whoa. Hey!

-What are you doing?

How about I re-tune this guitar on whoever doesn't piss off?

All right, what's this?

Oi. That was my granddad's. Take that off.

Sure, when you give me my guitar.

-OK.

-Smash it, go on.

-She's not gonna.

-Give me my jacket!

Give me the guitar. Put the fucking guitar down.

-Stop! Stop! Stop!

-Chill the fuck out!

Shame on you people!

If musicians can't get along, what hope we got?

What hope the planet got?

-Sir, excuse me.

-You know what we're gonna do?

Is he with you? We're gonna pray.

Everybody take hands.

Come on. Don't be bashful.

Lord, help me and these idiots

to use the gift you blessed us with

to come together.

Turn to your neighbour and say, "Man, I love you."

-Man, I love you.

-Yeah.

-Say I love you.

-She just tried to break my guitar.

-I'm not saying it to her.

-He's a tit.

-All right, all right, I got a trick.

-What you doing?

- I got a real good trick. - This guy's a wizard.

-What are you doing?

-Magic. Magic for musicians.

-Sir.

-Now what?

Can we get the key?

Together. This guy's good.

-He's joking, right?

-You got the keys?

-Let's go.

-Where's he going?

OK, he's not joking. No, no, no, no, no!

-Hey, Adam!

-Bobby!

-No!

-Stop that man!

Stop that buggy!

-Stop the buggy!

-Ow! Ow! Can you get it off?

-Stop that buggy!

-Come back!

Where did he go?

Ow!

Fuck's sake!

SINGER: Can you lot make some fucking noise?

HEAVY METAL PLAYS

CROWD CHEERS

-Where are they?

-Where have they gone?

-Where have they gone?

-They'll be in here.

Can't keep Tyko away from the hospitality.

Can I see your passes, please?

-All right.

-Ow! That really hurt.

-Come on.

-Thank you.

Can you be aware you are attached to me, unfortunately?

Can you just be nice? Yeah? No?

-No.

-Ignoring me, wicked.

I don't mind talking to myself.

-Beautiful. Cheryl? Is that with a Y?

-This is a major festival site.

-Oh, my God.

-Where have you been?

We are on in three hours, guys.

Excuse me. Hi. Is there an events assistant anywhere?

-I got you a beer.

-Thanks.

-Can I get a beer, please?

-Can you get me one?

That is the funniest thing I've seen all week.

Apart from the chicken lady, but she was mentally ill. You can't laugh.

Bolt cutters, anything. Give me the site manager's number.

-Will you stop laughing?

-Take it easy.

It's not that funny.

-I'll have to sit next to you.

-I guess you will.

-Yep.

-Lucky you.

So I'm Adam.

What's that? "I'm Monkey Girl. I'm in the world's worst band."

Ow! I am now.

As far as I can see, The Make only need their right hands.

Whereas you just need your fists, right?

Simmer down, boy band.

THEY HUM

What? I don't... What are you doing?

-Where's your manager?

-Sorting it out.

Relax. He's taking care of business.

Thanks.

Sure. Hello again.

HE IMITATES A MONKEY

Bollocks, I'm gonna sort this out.

-I'm waiting for Bob.

-Get up!

-What the fuck are you doing?

-Come on, let's go.

I'm gonna sort this out. There's gotta be police.

-We have three hours, though.

-I don't trust his manager.

MUSIC: "Upside Down" by Paloma Faith

SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY MUSIC

BOTH: Eco Lobby.

-Harder.

-Harder! More!

-Ah!

-Shit.

Dynamite's not gonna send a wood chisel through that.

Here's what you need.

You get a big cold chisel,

drop a sledgehammer on it, you're sorted, man.

-Where do we get a cold chisel?

-Any blacksmith's.

-Moron!

-Hey, hey, hey.

-Can't hear you!

-Help us out.

Can you look for some bolt cutters? I'll be back in a bit. Thank you.

# That I'm no fool, fool, fool, fool

# I'm just upside down

# Ain't got no cares

# I ain't got no rules

# I think I like Living upside down... #

One, two, three...

ALL: Eco Lobby!

-We just need a set of bolt cutters.

-There's a camping shop.

No, look, this is hardened steel. We need an industrial-strength tool.

I think I've found one.

Oh, ho, ho.

-Really?

-A comedian.

Get your hands off me, man.

Go to Artist Liaisons, maybe then can help you.

What's wrong with you people?

Why would Artists Liaisons have bolt cutters?

Thank you, T in the Park!

CROWD CHEERS

SINGER: Are you having a good time?

-Harder.

-It's too big. I can't get it in.

Adam?

Don't tell me this is not what it looks like.

-What does it look like?

-Oh, no.

Like you're handcuffed to some girl.

Some crazy dude handcuffed us while we were praying.

-I don't know. It's fucked.

-He said he was single.

-What?

-Yeah, what?

Said he'd just split from some model that didn't get him.

Hi. I'm Morello.

You come with me, mister.

Uh... Ow, baby, wait.

Hello again. Yep.

-OK, get these off now.

-We're trying.

-Where's the key?

-If we had a key...

Let's use your catwalk-honed intellect to break free.

-Who is this?

-She is this total stranger.

She is incredibly awful.

-And promiscuous.

-Be...

-Baby, wait up.

-Ow!

Can you just walk like a normal person?

You don't have to be like this.

I want no part of this Malibu Barbie hellscape.

-That's it. I'm done.

-Come on.

-Ow!

-Ow! Damn, that hurt.

-You're gonna have to hold my hand.

All right, you know what? Baby, where are you gonna be?

Kasabian are about to play the main stage.

So why are you walking towards it?

-Are you holding hands?

-Babe, let go.

I will pay you £100 to watch Kasabian.

-What?

-I'm just trying to work it out.

Just call me when you're single.

Baby. All right, fine. I'll find you, all right?

-Nice girl.

-Nice work.

MUSIC: "Papillon" by Editors

-Hey, man.

-All right, mate?

-You get rid of that bloody gorgon?

-Hey, I'm right...

MAN CHUCKLES

-No luck with the bolt cutters?

-I thought you were looking.

-I'll sort you out first thing.

-We gotta solve this now.

-I'm busy.

-You've gotta have something.

-Hey, beautiful.

-Baby!

-She's got a gig to play.

Ow! Shit!

Jesus Christ.

It's Adam Elva you're handcuffed to.

Hi, man. I'm Mark. Good to meet you.

Hey, man. Nice to meet you.

-Excuse me. Hello!

-So, what happened?

-I'm sorry about this, man.

-For what?

What? Nothing. I don't know. What?

Yeah, that's right. Nothing happened.

You're trying to make me jealous because...?

Because. I don't know. Because I'm a dick. Sorry, man.

MARK CHUCKLES

Don't worry. We'll find a way out. Leave it with me.

We're gonna figure it out.

I have an appointment with my band.

-It's just a pair of handcuffs.

-I know. I know.

Relax. Relax.

THUNDER RUMBLES

Now, your motivation to sing along with this particular piece of music

is that we are all pirates with rabies!

MUSIC: "Gone In The Morning" by Newton Faulkner

That is right, ladies and gentlemen. Pirates with rabies.

-Could you do just one more, please?

-Eco Lobby.

And we are 60 feet from shore.

Now, on the shore are our arch nemeses,

the barbarian hordes.

And we are now 50 feet away from them.

50 feet from battle and almost certain death.

We are now 40 feet, 40 feet from battle and almost certain death.

We are now 30 feet from battle and almost certain death.

We are now 10 feet.

Nine feet!

Eight feet!

Six feet!

Five frickin; feet!

So let's dance some more.

Four, three! Before they're...

-ALL:

-# Gone in the morning

# I wanna know Why they're gone in the morning

# I wanna know Why they're gone in the morning

# I wanna know Why they're gone in the morning

# Before they're gone in the morning

# I wanna know Why they're gone in the morning... #

Kim, it's The Prodigy.

Just say the name, Eco Lobby, promoting our charity

and if you can just lunge towards lens.

-You just need...

-Yeah, just bang, like that.

-Right. I'm Tyko from The Make.

-No, she's gonna give it to me.

-OK, cool.

-You know how to lunge?

-Hey, Tyko!

Hey, Danny! All right, man.

-Do you know...?

-That's Danny. He died last year.

Anyway, I'm ready.

OK. On the count of three.

I'm gonna lunge towards you at the same time. So we did...

-When you're ready.

-I'll go "One, two, three."

-OK. One, two, three.

-I'm just doing this thing.

Hi, I'm Tyko from The Make. You're watching Eco Lobby. Check it.

Thank you. Great. Can you just hold that?

What is Eco Lobby?

You went on the website? I gave you the website address.

-Let's pretend I didn't.

-OK. I'll explain to you.

Do you know how much it costs to buy an American senator?

-I do not.

-Hundred thousand dollars, tops.

They'll vote for your tax cut, construction program.

Whatever you want. Look it up on the Internet.

For 5 million US dollars we could pass

a billion-dollar clean-energy program.

Wow, that's cool.

-Hi.

-We're in the middle of an interview.

-Quick question.

-Don't touch me. Don't touch me.

So you raise money to give to politicians?

It's what all the big businesses do, so why the bloody hell can't we?

Makes you sound simple.

-Really?

-Yes.

You nailed it today, man, but you always do.

Seriously, it was cool. The boys loved it.

-Oh, well, thanks.

-You happy?

-You happy with management?

-Yeah, I think so.

Because horrible manager, I heard.

Because any time.

My dad's been managing me for the last... Since the beginning, really.

-How is he? Is he cool?

-Yeah, no, he's very well.

-Keeps well. Cool.

-Yeah, no, he's very good.

Listen, I gotta shoot, but there's a card.

-Cool. Excellent.

-Tasteful Think it over.

-Thanks. Check you later.

-Take care.

Take care, Newton. Cool.

CHATTERING

Yeah, but that'd be weird.

There you are.

-Hey.

-How are you doing?

-Hey, man.

-I heard about this.

Brought the old ball and chain, what?

-Who you calling a ball, dick?

-Yeah, be nice to my orangutan.

-Adam.

-Stop it, Adam.

Yeah, stop it, Adam.

Lake, this is Mike, Morello's boyfriend.

-Mark.

-Mark. Big fan.

-MARK CHUCKLES

Is that a joke?

-No, no, no. You were my screensaver.

-HE CHUCKLES

Are you like a team of stalkers? Is this what you do?

Mainly I bank.

- So you're a banker, eh? - Yeah.

When did you first realise you were a banker?

So, Lake, how do you know each other?

We met at rehab.

Yeah, right. He's obviously slung one up her.

Morello.

Darling, I'm gonna leave you with these lovely people.

-See you later.

-OK.

Brilliant.

You can't be angry at me for that.

How many people are you gonna offend?

-Are you OK?

-I'm fine.

-What's the matter with you?

-Let's not fight.

-You know he was gonna be here?

-No. I ran into him.

I'm on in 45 minutes. There has to be a solution.

Why don't you put it on Facebook or something?

Twitter's so much better than Facebook.

Catwalk-honed.

-How many followers do you have?

-Ten thousand.

Three hundred thousand.

-Nine hundred thousand.

-You do not.

Isn't that the best way to ask a lot of people for help?

Well, not the best.

TECHNICIAN: Yeah, yeah. One, two. Yeah. Two, yeah.

Go on!

Go on!

Hello, everybody. I'm really sorry to barge in on you like this.

Someone bet me that a woman like me

could never become attached to a man with a tiny penis.

-Yeah!

-I was massively tricked.

Oh, look. It's Adam Elva from The Make.

Yeah, all right, all right. Very funny.

We got hitched together by some crazy dude backstage.

I'd love to return his beautiful cuffs. If anyone has any bolt cutters...

Bolt cutters!

-Get off me!

-All right, all right.

-Please.

-Easy, guys.

They were just leaving. Show's over.

Good luck, boys. Good luck.

-Oh, my God.

-How long have we got?

-15 minutes.

-What stage you say you're on?

That way. That way.

-Run.

-This is fun.

Keep him under control. Keep him under a blanket.

-Who's gonna do my solos?

-I'll cover you.

-Welcome to my side project.

-You're in The Vaginas.

-Where I've always wanted to be.

-Shut up. Hurry up.

So are all their songs about vagine?

ALL: # And I would walk 500 miles

# And I would walk 500 more

# Just to be the man Who walks a thousand miles

# To fall down at your door

# Da, da, da Da, da, da

# Da, da, da Da, da, da... #

Oh, my God. Have you seen Twitter? It's crazy.

You see?

You were right. You were right, OK?

-Whoa. Sorry, man.

-Look.

Oh, yeah? All right.

Excuse me. Can I get a photo with you?

-Yeah.

-You want me to take it?

-Guys.

-Wait up, wait up.

-Hurry up, hurry up.

-Come on.

-Can you hurry up?

-All right.

-Guys, can we just go, please?

-Hello!

Nice, Tyko. Got a cheap one in the background.

Guys, come on. I'm on, like, now.

Hey, Morello. Jay played me one of your songs. They're really good.

I saw one of your poses. It was transcendent.

Thanks.

-Do you have to be that rude?

-She's saying you're beautiful.

Lake, I'm sorry.

-You know what?

-I need to go back for five minutes.

-Why?

-Because I need a restroom.

-What? Go on the way.

-I said a restroom, not a portaloo.

-Don't be such a baby, man.

-Listen, Tintin, focus, OK?

We don't even want you on our stage.

But we have to play well or we're not getting invited back.

So if you could lower yourself to the level of the public,

that would be great.

All right. I can do that. Let's go. Come on.

-Really?

-Sophie, it's me. How you doing?

-I cannot control him.

-Watch and learn, Tyko.

Yeah, don't worry about the price.

-God. Here we go.

-They're really not that bad.

-OK, keep me posted.

-Oh, I think they are.

All right.

Oh, this is nice.

Ugh. Get off.

Sure you don't wanna come in?

SINGER: Look after each other, you hear me?

-Have you started yet?

-I'm going as fast as I can.

Keep your fucking panties on.

Ow! Ow!

You... Fuck.

Aw, did you piss on yourself?

What the fuck are you doing, man?

Ready? Yeah? Wicked. Can we go to this gig now, please?

MUSIC: "Give It A Go" by the Dirty Pinks

# After trial and error

# From the first half fever Till the cold goodbye

# I've broken a few hearts They ripped mine

# Then I say never, never, never again Only one night stands for me

# Then another one comes along I give in so easily

# And I say no, no, no Gonna give it a go, go, go

# I want to know, know, know How good it feels

# To lie in someone's arms And hear them say baby... #

CROWD CHEERING

Thank you! Thank you very much.

So you might have noticed a little change to our usual lineup.

Morello's developed a nasty growth on her right hand.

-FAN:

-Adam and Morello, you sexy beast!

-Yeah.

Ready, ladies?

One, two, three, four!

Come on!

# Ahh

-CROWD SING ALONG:

-# Ahhh... #

Hello? Bobby, yeah. Have you got the key?

-OK, Bobby, see you later.

-OK, let's get it over here.

# Shame on you for trying To take me down a peg or two

# Ohh

# Taken the blame for a fairytale Of forbidden fruit

# Ooh

# Describe me a position But I don't wanna play

# Realise I should be pretty And have nothing to say

# I will not stay put and obey... #

Hey!

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Get off!

# Dirty Pink covers all manner of sins

# The jilted brides that blush on cue

# That's just something A girl like me wouldn't do

# I will not wait for you

# Sometimes I feel I've got to

# Run away I've got to get away

# From the pain you drive Into the heart of me

# The love we share Seems to go nowhere

# And I've lost my light

# For I toss and turn I can't sleep at night

# Once I ran to you Come on!

# Now I run from you

BOTH: # This tainted love you've given

# I give you all a boy could give you

# Take my tears And that's not nearly all

# Tainted love Ohh

# Tainted love

-# Sometimes I feel I've got to

-Dirty Pink covers all manner of sins

-# Get away I've got to

-# Hey

# Sugar and filth Isn't all that I have been

# The pain you drive Into the heart of me

-# The jilted brides that blush on cue

-Seems to go nowhere

-# And I've lost my light

-I will not wait for you

# Can't sleep at night

BOTH: # Once I ran to you

-# Now I run from you

-Ahh

# This tainted love you've given I give you all a boy could give you

# Take my tears And that's not nearly all. #

CHEERING

I can't believe you did that!

Hey, baby. You all right?

Sweetheart, that was incredible. It was great.

TYKO: Hey, Adam.

-Guys, I've just had good news.

-Delivery from Bobby.

I have got what are now the world's most expensive bolt cutters

being taxied in from Edinburgh. They'll be here in a couple of hours.

-Oh, thank the Lord.

-Oh, baby!

-And that's why he's my man.

-Yes, it is.

ALL: Slainte!

All right.

GROANING AND COUGHING

-What the fuck was that?

-Beer and gin.

-Why?!

-I like it.

-That's disgusting.

-There's the crazy guy.

The guy. TYKO: What guy?

-The handcuff guy.

-Where, where, where?

He's there by that food stall.

Hey! Ha-ha-ha.

Do that shit!

-Let's go, let's go!

-Where?

-I don't know. Wait.

-Why are you being so slow?

-OK, OK.

-Guys...

Where? He's gone off somewhere. Shit.

You religious pervert!

-You class nutter!

-Where'd he go?

-Where's he gone?

-I don't know. I can't see him.

-Cross man!

-MARK:

-We'll never find him.

There's 100,000 people here.

Listen, it's OK. The taxi's coming in a couple of hours. Let's chill.

There could be a worse way to spend a night, right?

Exactly. Let's have a good time.

Let's just go and get a drink. Let's have some fun, right?

See, it's not bad, is it?

-It's all right.

-Who wants another one?

# I start to come undone... #

-Come on.

-Ow!

# Sometimes I feel that It's all too much to take

# I look in the mirror But don't recognise... #

Hey. I know you.

-No.

-You're Adam.

-Sorry.

-I know you!

# It cuts like a knife... #

What should we do now?

# Things will turn out right

# So show me the light

# And tell me that Things will turn out right

# Remember the night

# How we would hold each other tight

# So show me the light... #

Shall we go on that?

# Soon it will be snowing

# The sky at night is dark

# The stars they all start glowing

# So show me the light

# Tell me that Things will turn out right

# It cuts like a knife

# When you say things... #

Can I have your biggest sausage?

-Oh, my God. That's disgusting.

-You gonna eat that? Now?

-Ew.

-Ew.

Let's go watch some bands play.

TYKO: Come on! KIRSTY: Yeah!

MUSIC: "Colours" by Calvin Harris

Animal!

-Animal beginning with E.

-Beginning with E.

-Emu.

-All right.

Drink while you think.

Body part. Start with a U.

-Umbilical cord.

-Umbilical cord.

Animal beginning with E.

Edward.

That's the name of the animal.

THEY LAUGH

He happens to be a lemur, but his name is Edward.

Edward.

CELL PHONE CHIMES

-I love this game.

-You win for that.

Right, that's the taxi arriving with the bolt cutters.

-Body part beginning with R.

-OK, see you all in a minute. R...

Hi there. Have you got a package there?

There you are. This is yours.

What?

-Are you kidding me?

-Just delivering a package. Sorry.

I've gotta cut my girlfriend off a rock star, not prune the bloody roses!

Fuck.

# People, get ready People, unite... #

Hey, we'll have to try again in the morning, all right?

-What'd you say?

-They sent the wrong thing.

DJ: One thing's for sure, let's have a fucking great time right here.

T in the Park! Come on!

# People, get ready People, unite

# Yes

# People People

# People People... #

Yeah!

Whoo!

Whoo!

Guys, I'm so knackered.

That's it. I'm done. I've been up since three this morning.

This is going to be weird.

What, four in a bed?

No, that's fine. I just... I never had a guy there before.

SHE CHUCKLES

MUSIC PLAYING IN DISTANCE

TYKO: I'm serious, they're classic movies, right?

I got the whole back catalog remastered on Blu-ray.

No way. Really?

Have you ever seen Dumbo on mushrooms?

I have not done that. We should do that.

We should, right? We got a plasma screen on the tour bus, so...

Nice. How big is that? How many inches are we talking here?

-Does that matter to you?

-No.

A little, maybe.

I am not sleeping in a tent.

It's a yurt.

Well, I am, and I'm sleeping with your boyfriend.

I'm not sleeping with yours.

Adam, it's been five days.

What, you just wanna go for it?

I got some strong sleeping pills if you guys want any.

There will be no sex, ever.

Mark, must be a real blow, man. No monkey sex.

MORELLO CHUCKLES

What is monkey sex?

We'll call ourselves The Sidekicks, right?

Let's be The Sidekicks.

It's a beautiful thing we're gonna do.

It's a very beautiful thing. Yeah.

-Hey...

-Yes. I mean, you're...

You get it, right?

Yeah. I'm gonna come back in one minute.

OK. OK.

All right.

MUSIC PLAYING IN DISTANCE

I thought you said we were staying on a yacht.

-I said yurt.

-Yurt. Yurt. Yurt.

You're gonna love this.

Oh, yes.

-Ready?

-OK.

-Ta-da!

-A bed!

See? It's not like a tent. It is like a...yurt.

I'm getting out of these wellies immediately.

It's not as bad as I thought.

Oh, no, don't put those there.

-Watch the...

-MORELLO LAUGHS

-Ah!

-Whoa.

Hello.

-This is... Oh, all right.

-Let me take your jacket.

God, how do I get this off? Here.

Ow, ow, ow.

Oh, wait. We need to get...

-OK.

-This fucking...

-Move over, sweetie.

-Come here, baby.

This is not really what I had in mind for the evening.

Never mind.

-I'm falling out of the bed.

-Please move up a bit.

-We can't move up.

-Adam, move over a bit.

-That better be your hand, baby.

-It is my hand.

Do you get...animals in here?

MUSIC: "Freaky Freaky Raving" by Found

# Side by side

# I'll just imagine

# The times we'd be having

# There's no room for napping

# Or anything

# Freaky freaky raving... #

So you know what monkey-facing is but you don't know what pirating is?

-SHE CLEARS THROAT

-Whoa.

HE CHUCKLES

Tyko, hey, wait up. Where are you going, man?

Exploring.

Do not make it a big night.

We have a gig tomorrow, right? Remember Coachella?

Relax. They liked it.

Tyko, if you did that in Texas, it would have been illegal, OK?

-OK, whatever.

-Tyko, this is Scotland.

Look at what you're wearing.

They will fucking deep-fry you out there.

Now, why don't we just have a couple of drinks,

and go for quick look around, huh?

-OK, we'll make it a quiet one.

-That's my boy.

# Who's gonna give me a ride To the aftershow... #

-Ah! Number two!

-OK.

-Three, two, one.

-Three, two, one.

WOMAN SQUEALS

Hello!

Hi. Yeah, it's me.

Sign me, sign me, sign me!

All right. You're enthusiastic, aren't you?

-What's your name?

-Jenny.

-Jenny with a Y?

-Yes. Oh, my God!

All right. I'm gonna sign the last part backwards,

so you can read it in the mirror.

-All right!

-All right.

-There we go.

-Thank you!

Hey, I'm the manager. You want me to sign the other one?

No, no, no. Ugh.

I've got warm hands.

You can't do that. People don't like it.

Oh, come on.

-Let's get another drink, huh?

-Yeah. You get them.

I'll stay and suck up the fans.

Who wants their titty signed? Come on.

I'm ready.

Let's get out of here.

ADAM MOANS

-WHISPERING:

-Adam.

-Adam.

-WHISPERING:

-What?

I need the loo.

You could pee in a bottle or something.

I could pee on your face.

OK. Yeah.

Let's not do that.

OK.

BOTH CHUCKLE

Go on. After you.

Shh. Shh.

BOTH LAUGH

Shut up.

Right. I've gotta just do myself up at the bottom.

I've got, like, this really annoying body. It's like...

That I've got to do up underneath like a babygrow.

-Why would I wanna know that?

-Pretty weird.

Like a toddler.

All right.

OK. First of all.

I always forget to wash my hands, actually.

I don't need that much. Go away.

Get your hands under there now.

Yes.

-Put them on there.

-Put them on?

Put your hands on there.

No, it's that way. It's that way.

We just came from that way, definitely.

I'm kind of really awake now. You snore, by the way.

-I what?

-Snore.

-I snore?

-You snore.

You sound like a kind of... like a chainsaw on speed.

-I do not snore.

-Yeah, you do.

-SHE SNORTS

Like little, like, baby snores. Almost like you've got something stuck.

You know who snores really bad? You know who snores really bad?

Who?

L to the A to the K to the E.

-What?

-Lake.

Really? I snore pretty bad as well.

Go on. Here you are.

SHE CHUCKLES

Mark speaks in his "spleep".

-He speaks in his "spleep"?

-He sleeps...

-Speaks in his sleep?

-Speaks in his sleep.

-He kind of...

-SHE MUMBLES GIBBERISH

He wants to give orders in the morning. Muh-muh-muh! Coffee!

I've still got that song in my head.

# I've got to run away I've got to... ½

You weren't as shit as I thought you'd be.

Shut up.

-Come on, baby. It was a joke.

-You've seen me in the flesh.

-At least finish your drink.

-You haven't seen me play.

You've gotta come tomorrow night for that.

-Hey, Bobby.

-I'm cool.

-Are you OK?

-Yeah.

We're kind of trying to have a moment.

What the fuck?

I'm sorry. That's Bobby. He's our manager.

Fucking here till Sunday. Try the veal.

I can't leave him on his own.

# Have twenty "one mores" Oh, it does not relent

# The good times are killing me... #

What do you wanna do now?

-I wanna go on somewhere else.

-What's your name? I'm Bobby.

Now you're talking my language.

I don't wanna stay here.

OK. What do you have in mind?

-I saw you.

-Shh.

What? I'm being quiet.

Where have you been?!

MORELLO LAUGHS

-Uh, little trip to the restroom.

-Together?

-Well...

-Incredible.

While you leave me alone with this pervert?

-What?

-Come on, Lake.

-Don't "Lake" me.

-Why not? It's your name.

Baby, the trick is to shut out her voice.

I know, she has a voice like the Elephant Man's face.

-Why don't you shut up?

-Why don't you shut up?

-Why are you such a bitch?

-Because I'm worth it.

I've seen your pores. You're not.

-Ooh.

-Honey.

I've always wondered if models made fun of ordinary-person looks.

You are not an ordinary person. Ordinary purple... People...

LAUGHING

-What? Shut up.

-Sorry. I can't.

-Shut up.

-I'm trying.

Lake, what are you doing? Lake.

MORELLO LAUGHING

Don't... Wait. Baby.

-Morello. Morello.

-It's over, Adam.

Lake, come on.

MUSIC PLAYING IN DISTANCE

Baby, come back, all right? We're just...

Lake.

Wait up. Lake!

Lake, hey, wait up.

Where'd she go?

HE SIGHS

Shit.

That was all my fault. I'm really sorry.

ELECTRO PLAYS

Hey, Bobby, we're gonna move on.

Yeah, I know, I fucking love this tune.

We should be dancing naked on a beach, right?

Hey. My jacket.

We got a friend.

I could fuck the hole in a dolphin's head.

MUSIC PLAYING IN DISTANCE

-Hey.

-All right, Mark.

You know, working in music,

being in a band, you develop these...

..these telepathic connections, you know?

For that reason alone, I think it's the best way to spend your life.

You know? For that connection.

That's... That's wealth.

I'm really sorry about Lake.

No. No, no. She was...

We were...

-No connection.

-I'm sorry.

Nothing compared to what I have with your girlfriend.

Am I lying? I mean...

You barely know her, man.

I've known her 10 hours and I have a better connection.

Of course, she'll say otherwise.

That's because you're the fall-back.

-What?

-Gotta have a fall-back, right?

Don't listen to him.

Anyway, I need a drink, so let's go find a bar.

Just ignore him. Come on.

-Mark?

-I'm not doing this again, Morello.

It's not happening again.

It's not happening again.

-You'd better go with him.

-Mark.

Go.

MUSIC: "Mapped By What Surrounded Them" by the Twilight Sad

# And these walls

# And these walls are filled with blame

# And these walls

# And these walls Are filled with blame

# And she's sitting In the primrose garden

# And she's playing with her toys

# Just another child-like ghost

# The trees and animals cry... #

# My hole, I'll get my hole... #

You got any hobbies?

No.

# I'll get my hole... #

TYKO AND WOMAN MOAN IN TENT

# It's a choo-choo train... #

That's great. Yeah.

Oh, my God.

I charged it up again, so I can do it all tonight.

And then we can redo the sessions.

Hello.

-Hi.

-Do you wanna join us?

Sure.

-You're Kim, right?

-Yeah. Hi. Kim Cox from Eco Lobby.

-You're Mark.

-Mark. That's it, yeah.

Morello's other half. This is Lucie.

-Hi.

-She's just off to the toilet.

Yeah, Morello's other half. Yeah, well.

Sorry. Excuse me.

Well, I don't think I am, actually, any more.

-Do you wanna sit down?

-Thanks. Thanks.

PEOPLE NEARBY CHATTER

I need a hug.

MUSIC: "The Black Sun" by Jo Mango

# I fell in love

# With a starling

# He died in my mother's arms

# Was buried and exhumed

# And now all I think of is

# Wings beating... #

TYKO: I'll just see where Bobby's gone.

Where's Bobby? Bobby?

Yeah! Whoo!

Hi, ladies.

Come here. Come here.

We can't keep apart. We cannot keep apart.

Come on. Come on.

# Between my fingers

# And the thumb

# I looked in his thousandth eye

# And saw... #

Can I just see you without your glasses?

Yeah.

Wow.

Yeah!

# Your bones... #

-MACHINE:

-What a wimp.

-Fuck you!

LAUGHTER

# I heard you singing

# With tiny lungs

Go away. Leave us alone. Go.

You all right?

# I've seen you grown massive

# My tiny one

# And I feel now your yearning

# For the black sun

# Oh, I feel that you're yearning... #

I'm really short-sighted.

# For the black sun... #

SHE CHUCKLES

It's OK.

# So I told him how I loved

# Your bones

# When we pulled them one by one

# Out the stone. #

You all right, pal? Hey, you all right?

I suggest you come back to the campsite.

Here, stand up, my man.

You're all right, ain't you?

Oh, for fuck's sake.

BOBBY MUMBLES

PIANO ACCORDION PLAYS MELANCHOLY TUNE

SWITCHES TO UPBEAT TUNE

-Yeah, that's my song.

-Mm-hm.

-How do you do that?

-Four chords.

OK, it's my turn.

Can I borrow your guitar?

You guys seem to get on pretty well.

Yeah, that's what womanisers do.

-I'm not a womaniser.

-You are.

Play, play, play.

SHE HUMS NOTE

# I just wanna womanise you, baby

# I'll spread your thighs for you, baby

Mmm.

# Then say my goodbyes to you, baby

# Oh, don't be so shy, little lady

# Maybe, maybe tonight Will be your lucky night, baby

# It will be if you play your cards right

# I'm such a womaniser, baby #

# A womaniser... #

SHE LAUGHS

# I'm gonna leave you, baby

# No, you're not

# She can't go anywhere I can't get out

# I think I'm gonna scream and shout

-# Cos I'm a womaniser, baby

-Womaniser, baby

-# Womanise all night long

-All night long... #

BIRDS CAW

MORELLO AND ADAM SCREECH

MUSIC: "No Cigarette" by Withered Hand

# Think me and you Could maybe use a lost weekend

# I've been losing all my friends

# I wave another empty bottle... #

Oh, God.

# Like I'm hitting it hard But it's just pretend... #

Bobby?

-Tyko?

-Bobby, is that you?

Tyko?

Bobby! Oh, Bobby. BOBBY LAUGHS

# I went and got lost

# Always the back end Of this pantomime horse

# All we seem to do these days Is wave our arms and yell

# Other people are hell... #

No! Ahh!

# It's getting to me

INDISTINCT CONVERSATION

# Maestro, a drum roll please This is the golden age. #

PEOPLE SHOUT IN DISTANCE

Where are you gonna go?

I don't know.

I'm getting into the safety position.

This is the safety position. Such...

THEY GRUNT

MORELLO SOBS

Are you crying? Are you crying? What's wrong?

What's wrong?

What's it all...

The band I've spent six years trying to build up,

it's a fucking joke.

I've just been dumped and womanised.

And now I'm in the mud, people!

It's all right.

And there's those people in there.

It's all right.

You smile like a girl.

You're incredibly beautiful.

MUSIC: "If I Don't Belong" by Strike The Colours

SHOWER RUNNING

# Be the one that I love

# And I will see your frown In the furrows of the mud

# Make me weak at the knees

# And I will see your eyes In the bark of the trees

-Maybe.

-Maybe.

-Possibly.

-Maybe.

# Lay my head on the ground

# There won't be a sound As the dawn comes down

# And the leaking clouds

# Will fill up the streams That'll drown you out

# If I don't belong... #

Let's go.

Right.

# Lay my bones underneath the trees

# And let the wind have my body

# Commit each hair On my head to the sea. #

I'm sorry about your granddad's jacket.

Now we fought in it too.

Yeah.

SHE SIGHS

MUSIC PLAYING IN DISTANCE

Pass?

Pass, please.

Whoa. Hey, do you know who I am?

-Cool. Hey.

-I'm the man...

Hey, I'm the manager of The Make.

Tyko! Shit!

Fuck you, you fucking shit blister!

-Fuck! Tyko!

-Do you know this guy?

I've never seen him before in my life.

Hey, Tyko! Get this fucked-up fool off me!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey.

-He's trying to fuck me.

-Hey, man. Excuse me?

I was joking. It doesn't seem so funny now.

You asswipe! I got my fucking meds in there!

Bobby. Hang tight, Bobby. I'll get you in here. Don't move.

You do not have a fucking job in the morning, sir.

All right.

We got coffee, black.

We got juices, orange, exotic, brown.

Like vitamin C.

And something called Irn-Bru, but I think that's a beer.

Just mix them together

-and pour them over my head.

-Oh, look.

-Hey there, AWOL.

-Hey, man.

-Can you keep it down to a whisper?

-You OK?

-It's just been a little heavy.

-Have you seen my girls?

I've been looking all over for you two.

I want my handcuffs back.

-What?

-Hey, I got other people to cuff.

-Where is the key?

-I gave the key to this young man.

-What?

-I gave it to Tyko.

-Right, and I gave it to...

-Uh-uh.

-Tyko?

-My own...pocket.

You knew about this?

-So this was a joke to you?

-No, it wasn't a joke.

-It wasn't a joke.

-I don't care.

Can whoever has the key take these fucking things off me?

Nobody's gonna save the planet but you folks, you know that?

You cram 100,000 people together,

no music, what do you get? A riot.

You give them music, we all in this together.

-TYKO: OK, you're free.

-Please, let me explain.

Please. Please, don't.

Music turns a mob into a movement.

Wait, Morello!

BOBBY GROANS

That guy is loud.

MUSIC: "Candy" by Paolo Nutini

# Well, I'm some stain there On your bed sheet

# You're my diamond in the rough

# Darling I'll bathe your skin

# I'll even wash your clothes

# Just give me some candy Before I go

CROWD CHEERING

# Oh, darling, I'll kiss your eyes

# And lay you down on your rug

# Just give me some candy

# After my hug

SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY MUSIC

# I know that there are writings On the wall... #

Gotta talk to her.

Do you wanna eat?

No. No.

You are knotted.

# Before I go

# Darling, I'll kiss your eyes

# Lay down on your rug

# Just give me some candy

# After my hug

# Oh, and I'll... #

The video sequence, that finishes there, OK?

-So if you just change the order.

-Yeah, yeah.

CHEERING

This is such a beautiful thing, guys.

How are you? You want me to sign right here?

Be patient. We'll get you all.

CROWD: # I want you I want you instead, I want you... #

-Hello.

-Hi.

-How are you?

-I'm all right. How are you?

Oh, my God. Thank you!

-Hi. How you doing? All right?

-All right, yeah.

-What's your name, man?

-What's your name?

-Bryan.

-Bryan. With a Y?

Come on! All right! Yeah!

-Hi.

-Hey, pretty.

Hey, man. How are you?

That feels amazing. So many hands on my body.

I like it. Oh, my God, this is happening.

Will you let me down?

Beautiful.

-Thank you, guys.

-Fuck this, man.

CROWD: # You let me feel real... #

Can we get out of here?

Love you. I'll wave.

CHEERING

Hey.

I came to say good luck.

You got yourself a soft landing.

You wanted me to wait to get pushed?

For her?

It seemed to me like you barely even needed the handcuffs.

Have a good show.

Shall we do this, man?

Yeah.

BOTH SCREAM

MUSIC: "You Instead" by The Make

# She got loved up On the seashore

# Kissing with a girl He'd never met before

# The food was sparse But the drink was plenty

# Jack was 16 And Jill had just turned 20

# Lying there on the midnight sand

# He said he'd give her the sky If she held his hand

# She counted every star in the sky

# And said I-I don't want that I want you instead

# I want you instead

# I want you instead I want you... #

"YOU INSTEAD" PLAYS IN DISTANCE

He did look good in my jacket, didn't he?

Morello, it's not too late.

Just another imposter.

# I want you instead

CROWD CHEERING

# I want you instead

# I want you I want you instead

# Make me feel real

# Real Real

# You make me feel real

# Real Real

# Real

# She got loved up on the seashore

# You make me feel real

# Kissing with a girl He'd never met before... #

Whoo!

I think we need to go away after this.

-Yes.

-Go away together for a week.

-No boys, no men.

-No boys.

Just music.

CROWD CHEERING

Morello.

Morello!

I don't know if you heard about what's been happening, but...

You know what? I think I need your help.

Can you help me out?

CHEERING

Yeah? You are beautiful.

OK, can we all shout for Morello, please?

ALL: Morello! Morello! Morello!

Morello! Morello! Morello!

Morello! Morello!

Morello! Morello...

You gotta be louder than that.

Morello! Morello! Morello!

-I'm for music.

-CHUCKLING

Uh...

CROWD: Morello! Morello! Morello!

CHANTING CONTINUES

Oh, my God.

I don't... I'm just gonna... I'm just gonna check it out.

ALL: Morello! Morello! Morello!

Morello! Morello!

I don't know if she's out there, but, Morello, this is for you.

If you can hear me,

you make me feel more real than any girl I've ever met.

I screwed up your set yesterday. Why don't you come screw mine up?

Go on.

MUSIC: "Dark Energy" by The Make

# Closer we get Temperatures rise

# The look on your face The fear in your eyes

# Tonight you're mine You're mine, you're mine

# Tonight you're mine You're mine, you're mine

# Tonight you're mine You're mine, you're mine

Morello coming through.

# Tonight you're mine You're mine, you're mine

# I feel your light shining on me

# Whenever you're around me

# I'm feeling so alive #

CHEERING

# I feel your light shining on me

# Whenever you're around me I'm feeling so alive

# Tonight you're mine You're mine, you're mine

# Tonight you're mine You're mine, you're mine...

Hey, hey!

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Morello!

Morello's on-stage!

BOTH: # I feel your light shining on me

# Whenever you're around me I'm feeling so alive #

# I feel your light shining on me

# Whenever you're around me I'm feeling so alive... #

CHEERING

Oh, that's beautiful.

All right, you're making me lonely now. Is there anyone for me?

MUSIC: "Tainted Love" by Gloria Jones

# Sometimes I feel I've got to

# Run away, I've got to Get away from the pain

# You drive into the heart of me

# The love we share Seems to go nowhere

# And I've lost my light