Youth in Revolt

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

(PANTING / GRUNTS)

(PAGE BEING TURNED)

(PANTING INCREASES / GRUNTS)

(VIGOROUS MOVEMENT)

(OBJECTS RATTLE)

(PANTING CEASES / RATTLING STOPS)

(DEEP SIGH)

'My name is Nick.

'My last name - which I loathe - is Twisp, which would be a nice name

'if I planned on becoming an evil nurse in a mental institution.

'I am a voracious reader of classic prose,

'an aspiring novelist,

'and feel the world would be a better place if every radio station

'played Sinatra's My One And Only Love hourly.

'Needless to say, I'm still a virgin.

'I live in Oakland with my charming mother.

-(THROWS DOWN PAN)

-Estelle...!

'Her latest boyfriend, Jerry, is a long-haul truck driver and a liar.

If a woman answered the phone, it was probably just the maid.

-'He's a real prize.

-(GRUNTS) Gonna bite you!

No.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

-Hi, Nick.

-Hi.

-Three more for you.

-Thanks, Mr Ferguson.

'Our neighbour Mr Ferguson likes to bring us mail from our mailbox.

'A former activist with a bleeding heart and too much time on his hands.

'He's always getting arrested for staging protests

'and harbouring illegal aliens in his basement.

'He's a good man, but very strange.

Oh, so, muy bueno, si.

'My dad is currently between jobs.

'He'd love not to have to work at all, but as he often reminds me -

he has crippling child-support payments.'

Dad, when can I get an allowance? I'm tired of not having a cellphone.

If you want an allowance, talk to your mom.

-'Lacey is Dad's girlfriend.'

-Baby, I cooked for you!

-Aw, you made me a snack...!

-Come here, you...!

'She's 25 and a budding cosmetologist.'

Does my baby like it?

'It's amazing and incredibly irritating to me

how much action everyone around me seems to be getting.

'With one exception.

My sister saw Millie holding hands with some college guy.

'My best friend Lefty's had a crush on Millie Filbert since third grade.

'Only Lefty is more miserable than I am.'

I've been taping my dick to my right leg at night with duct tape.

I think of Millie in her green summery dress

-and I get hard, so it pushes against the tape...

-I see.

-Counter-rotational tension on the shaft.

-Right.

-Nice.

'In case you haven't heard,

'Lefty's erect member takes a dramatic turn east midway up.'

-Or?

-You might wanna get it fixed before you ask Millie out.

Very true. What if I shove it up the wrong hole?

What if we go out and she doesn't like me?

We get to know each other and she hates me?

We get married and have a kid that's no good at anything, has no talents?

-(SIGHS)

-I wonder if it's worth it.

Either way, you probably wanna get your dick straightened out.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

-Is Jerry here?

-He just went out.

That hunk-of-shit Chevy he sold us made it 17 miles before it blew up.

-We found evidence of a banana in the transmission.

-So he owes us 900

I'm quite certain he spent that 900 on his new Lincoln.

Maybe you better come back and speak with him directly.

He seems pretty stubborn, you might need to get physical.

That can be arranged.

'After living in Oakland for 16 years

I've noticed it's filled with women who have zero interest in me.'

Hey, Karen.

-Nick.

-Oh, right.

Physics?

American History. Close.

What is that?

La Strada. It's a Fellini movie.

So random!

Yeah. They were all outta Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous, so I went for a random.

-(GUY BLOWS RASPBERRY)

-Ew, Chad! Fuck you.

-Fuck you, you love it.

Hey, does that movie come with tampons for your pussy?

You know, Chad, I'll be upset if it doesn't.

(KAREN LAUGHS WILDLY)

'In the movies, the good guy gets the girl.

'In real life, it's usually the prick.'

NICK! GET OUT HERE!

Nick!

Nick!

Nick, do you know anything about this?

Oh, yeah. Those sailors came by. They want their money back.

Apparently, there's some sort of banana in the transmission.

-You tell 'em I was coming back?

-Now, why would I do that?

-(SPITS)

Jerry, what are you gonna do?

-Go get the Lincoln washed.

-You're leaving?!

What happens when that sailor comes back?

'So to escape ill-tempered sailors we're going to Clear Lake

'to stay in a cabin owned by a friend of Jerry's.

'Since I have no life, I figure I have nothing to lose.'

We're goin' on vacation!

(FUN BOY 3 AND BANANARAMA: It Ain't What You Do)

# It ain't what you do It's the way that you do it

# It ain't what you do It's the way that you do it

# It ain't what you do It's the way that you do it

# And that's what gets results

# It ain't what you do It's the time that you do it

# It ain't what you do It's the time that you do it

# It ain't what you do It's the time that you do it

# And that's what gets results

# You can try hard

# Don't mean a thing

# Take it easy

# Then your jive will swing

# It ain't what you do It's the place that you do it

# It ain't what you do It's the place that you do it

# It ain't what you do It's the place that you do it

# And that's what gets results

# Do do do do do...

# I thought I was smart but I soon found out

# I didn't know what life was all about

# But then I learnt I must confess

# That life is like a game of chess

# It ain't what you do It's the way that you do it

# It ain't what you do It's the time that you do it

# It ain't what you do It's the place that you do it

# And that's what gets results

# You can try hard

# Don't mean a thing

# Take it easy

# Then your jive will swing... (SONG FADES)

Jerry...?!

I thought you said it was a cabin.

Come on, Estelle. It's real cute on the inside.

(FLY BUZZES)

(JERRY SLURPS)

(..slurp... slurp... slurp... slurp...)

(Burp!)

I say we let the kid do the dishes

and you and I retire to the master bedroom.

(Burp!)

(ZIPPER BEING LOWERED)

Mum, do you think it's puppy love thing with Jerry,

or can I look forward to having him around for years to come?

Nick, how many men would be interested in a woman who is 48,

has a kid, no money, and stretch marks?

I think you're selling yourself short, Mom.

What about the stretch-mark fetishist?

Oh, watch your smart mouth!

So you're gonna do the dishes, OK, hon?

Gerald and I will be in back, playing Scrabble.

Your robe's open.

(SWELL OF ORCHESTRAL STRINGS)

-So, are you and your family staying near here?

-We live down the block.

Oh, spitting distance. So to speak.

Hi, Stuck-up.

Hi.

Honey, this is Sheeni Saunders.

She stopped by to introduce herself. Isn't that neighbourly?

Yes. Yes.

She's on her way to the store, so I volunteered you to help with bags.

Sounds fun.

Your family's arrival excited considerable interest among the residents.

-Your father's beer cooler on...

-Oh, he's not my father.

Jerry's my mother's consort. He and I have no blood links of any kind.

Well, that seems to be worth something.

'Yesterday the most exciting thing in my life was the thought of Jerry

'being beaten senseless by three angry sailors.

'Now I'm spending time with a beautiful, interesting girl,

'and I have no idea how it happened.'

Here we are.

-Wow, a second floor.

-Yes.

Father bought it so we could look down on the world.

-What does your father do?

-He's a lawyer.

-Oh.

Wow, this is really nice.

-Where are your parents?

-They're at church.

Would you like a tour?

Sure.

Kitchen.

This is Mother's Farfisa organ.

-Father added this extension so he could fit these 64 pipes in.

-Wow.

Dining room.

Here's a family portrait.

And this is my room.

Didn't you just love Breathless?

Jean-Paul was completely gripping.

If you like French people, I suppose. Yeah.

I can see it.

I think my favourite film was Tokyo Story.

I just think Mizoguchi is a great director.

It's a great film.

But wasn't that by Ozu?

Who can say?

There's nothing quite as good as vinyl.

Yeah, it's very textural.

-Do you like Frank Sinatra?

-I do.

But my all-time favourite is Serge Gainsbourg.

-So you really like the French, don't you?

-I wanna live in France.

I wanna live all over the world.

I know there's so much more than this out there.

My parents are religious fanatics.

They're exhausting.

-Bye.

-Bye.

Hey, Sheeni?

Do you think you'd like to join me at the beach tomorrow after breakfast?

I'd love to.

-Yes?

-Hello, Mr Saunders. I'm Nick. I'm here to see Sheeni.

I understand you've invited her to the beach.

-That's right.

-Uh-huh.

Well, I trust, sir,

you are aware that you have entered into an oral contract

to perform in loco parentis - i.e. to ensure the safety and welfare

of the aforementioned minor female.

-Ready?

-Very ready.

-Bye, Father.

-Goodbye, Mr Saunders.

-(MEEKLY)

-Vaya con Dios.

Would you mind applying this to my exposed areas?

Sure.

Hm. You get turned on easily.

Don't stop, Nick. It's only natural.

Girls are fortunate in that it doesn't show.

For all the world knows, my vagina could be moist with desire as we speak.

Is it?

Should we do my front now?

OK.

I'm up for it.

Thank you.

What's your last name?

Dillinger?

Twisp.

'Sheeni Saunders.

'She's complicated, mischievous...

'and at this point I'd be willing to give up everything in my life to be with her.

Nick, you're very nice, but I should tell you, I have a boyfriend.

Oh, I see.

His name is Trent.

We've been together for a while, actually.

What's he like?

He's 17, 6ft 2in,

fluent in French,

plays the piano, is a champion swimmer,

and writes futurist, percussive poetry.

I'm not familiar with futurist, percussive poems.

I could recite one of Trent's, if you'd like.

Please do.

Ram dam 12

Sizzle mop

Crunch down

Safety net

Hot hot hot

Void

Well, that certainly sounds like a poem. Jeez, he sounds great.

Well, y'know, I also have a sweetheart for the moment, so...

Really? What's her name?

Her name is Martha Singwall. She's 16.

She's got toasted almond hair.

She's only just recently returned from Nice

where she's been conducting sociological research

on the assimilation problems of Italian immigrants, workers,

down there.

She's also a professional model. Specialises in lingerie.

She likes me quite a bit. She tells me that she loves my hair.

-She sounds wonderful.

-Yes. I think you'd like her, Sheeni.

Trent sounds great, too, aside from being...freakishly tall.

He certainly does seem to have a knack for

smashing ungraceful words together and...deeming it a poem.

Well, thanks for a lovely day, Nick.

Don't mention it.

'I think of this radiant girl being swept away

'by some handsome, pretentious poet and it crushes me.

'She could never like me.

'Unless I decided to radically change every detail of my personality

'I am going to die a virgin.'

(DOOR CHIME PLAYS HYMN)

Nick?

Sheeni, nice to see you. I was out walking and remembered you lived here

I'm sorry I got upset about Trent. It was immature of me.

I'm not normally like that.

He sounds great. I'd love to hear more of his neat poetry.

Say, do you wanna go to the beach? Or get breakfast?

Actually, I'm going on a hike.

I'd ask you to come, but you've no boots, provisions, maps or compass.

Fine. I do my hiking freeform.

Like John Muir I enter the wilderness with nothing more than my journal

and a child-like sense of wonder.

What the hell... This is a private journal!

Trent is not an "affected twit".

Sheeni, how would you like it if I read your journal?

Go ahead.

It's written in a shorthand of my own devising.

A necessity for a girl with Christian parents.

-What does this say?

-Wouldn't you like to know!

That last passage would be of particular interest to you.

I doubt that.

I have no interest in reading about Trent's beautiful shoulders.

I haven't made love with Trent, if that's what you wanna know.

I've only made love once and it was less than erotic.

But I hear it gets better with practise.

You're a virgin. I can tell.

Kiss me, you weenie.

-Sheeni, I think I love you.

-Of course, you do.

Or your hormones certainly do.

-Sheeni!

-Yes, Mother. I'm just here with Nick.

Let's see this young heathen.

-Hello, Mrs Saunders. Nice to meet you.

-I doubt that very much.

-See you tomorrow, Nick.

-OK. Goodbye, Sheeni. Goodbye, Mrs Saunders.

-Look into your soul, young man. Before it's too late.

-I will.

'Jerry found a trailer he wants to buy and insisted we check it out.

'I told Sheeni I would write a book about her.

'She said it was a terrible idea.

Jerry, all the closets are full of mouse doodies.

-I might take 950.

-Nine hundred.

-9-10.

-We're in business.

(SHEENI SQUEALS WITH DELIGHT)

Oh, come here. Come here, come here...!

Aw...!

-Nicky, look, isn't he cute?

-He's adorable.

How much?

Ten dollars.

All I have is a Subway card with four stickers.

Sold!

Thank you, Nicky.

-I think I'm going to name him Albert

-Mm-hm.

-After Albert Camus.

-Oh.

'That night was my first indisputable make-out session with a girl.

'After grappling in the warm darkness with Sheeni,

I found a note in my back pocket.

'I thought she had been caressing my ass.

"Dear Nick. Please excuse me for reading your journal.

"I have found that people who can resist temptation

"invariably lead depressingly stunted lives.

"Naturally, I was charmed by what you wrote about me.

"Your contemplation of suicide and your invention of Martha

"cannot help but evoke a strong emotional response in my breast.

"We are both young. Let's just live, and what happens will happen.

"Yours affectionately, Sheeni."

(DOOR OPENS)

I have to leave today.

Jerry threw his back out last night in bed with my mother,

so he has to be reunited with his painkillers back in Oakland.

We're leaving in an hour.

So this'll be goodbye.

-Goodbye.

-You don't have to act so brave, Sheeni.

-I wouldn't judge you if you started to cry.

-No, Nicky.

It's Albert. He snuck out of my room last night.

When I woke up, he had shredded the family Bible.

My parents took it as a sign of evil.

-Now I have to find someone who'll take him.

-Well, I'll take him.

-You will?

-Sure!

I'll have to hide him from my mother, she can't stand dogs,

but it's a risk I'm willing to take.

He's our love child.

Sheeni, I can't stand the thought of you falling in love with some

egotistical poet while I'm gone.

I've had a great time with you.

It was a really lovely summer fling.

But I can't put my whole life on hold.

You don't even live here.

We could run away together. Escape our families.

Live like outlaws together.

No offence, Nicky, but it's not exactly in your constitution.

What if my dad could get a job here in Ukiah and I come live with him?

My mother depends on the child-support money

but maybe I could get kicked out.

That's a lot of what-ifs.

Do you think you could help me find some job opportunities for my dad?

-It's possible.

-We can do this, Sheeni. This can happen.

Well, look at you taking control of the situation.

I'll do whatever I have to do.

I've never had anything in my life that I wanted to fight for so much.

Then we'll have to figure out a way for you to be kicked out.

You have to be bad, Nicky.

Be very, very bad.

'I've a tall mountain to climb with many treacherous glaciers to cross.

'But finally I have an entry visa to the paradise beyond.'

I won't let him outta my sight.

Where's the Nova?

See that, babe? They took it back.

Sailors are all talk, all the time.

-(Jerry...!)

-Shit on a goddamn dick!

I have spent 15 years trying to get this house to look perfect!

Oh, God! Nick, get a pan! It's dripping on my new shag!

I'll get a pan.

You should've given that man his money back.

Holy shit. There's still water in the windshield thing.

But how'd they even get it in here?

Looks like they took it apart piece by piece, then reassembled it.

It would take an army of mechanics to do that!

(SIGHS) Or a Navy.

Or a Navy, baby.

(ASHLEE SIMPSON MUSIC BLARES NEARBY)

(ALBERT) Woof!

I told my parents about my sister going all the way with Carlo.

Now she's playing that damn Ashlee Simpson album over and over.

-My life is a living hell, Nick. It is a living hell.

-Damn.

I have something to cheer you up, my friend. His name is Albert.

I don't know why you have a dog. You hate dogs.

This is more than a dog.

This is my only tangible link to the love of my life.

You met a girl?

She isn't just a girl, Lefty.

She's a comely angel,

sent to teach me about all that is good in the world.

Is she prettier than Millie Filbert?

Lefty, after seeing Sheeni you would look at Millie

and you would see no more than a slatternly wench

trying to muddy your perception of what a pretty girl should be.

How do I know you're not making this girl up?

Oh, wow.

Your life has really changed since I last saw you, Nick.

How are things going with Millie?

Oh, um, I got this book - Lovemaking For Advanced Gourmets.

I'm lookin' up some tips so I can really blow her mind.

For instance, one in here...

You're supposed to stick your pinkie inside of a girl's bumhole.

-Liar.

-Read it and weep. I have it marked right there.

I think Sheeni might find this pinkie technique less than romantic.

Lefty, could I borrow this?

-Might be some things I should know.

-Yeah, it's fine.

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello?

'Hi, Nicky.'

Have you any misdeeds to report?

'I'm working on it.'

-'Nicky...'

-You sound concerned.

'If you don't take the initiative,'

how will you feel when I marry Francois?

-Who's Francois?

-My future French husband.

-Huh.

-'Well, I mean, I can't wait for you forever.'

Nick, how is my darling Albert?

'Albert is great.'

We've been going on these bonding jogs twice daily, which he loves.

I've been enjoying them too. Getting me into great physical shape.

'That's wonderful, darling.'

'My one and only love needs me to be bad.

'To overcome the inhibitions that compel me to be law-abiding

#polite to my elders and excessively nice,

'I have decided to create a supplementary persona

'named Francois Dillinger.

'Bold,

'contemptuous of authority

'and irresistible to women.

'Francois is just the type of aggressive sociopath

'who can wage and win, a war of nerves.'

-(ESTELLE SCREAMS)

-NO!

Are...you sure?

Better give your mother a hug, son.

'Turns out Jerry had a heart attack in a Dallas bar and took it badly.

'He died.'

When will the body arrive?

I'm afraid it's already been shipped, ma'am.

To his wife.

His wife?! (SOBS)

Yes, ma'am. His wife.

It's also my duty to inform you she wishes to claim the Lincoln,

which he registered to this address.

(SOBS)

It's OK... It's gonna be OK.

There, there...!

You're OK.

Those are my records! What are you doing?

You won't get this girl by listening to records and jerking off.

That wasn't my entire plan.

What is your plan, shithead?

Slouching around while Trent boy has her on his lap?

I don't need you right now. I need to think.

Well, I'm not leaving till you sink your filthy dick in this tomato.

Not until you get what you want.

It's time to rebel, Nick.

It's time to be bad.

It's not a good day for it. Mom's had devastating news.

That's perfect.

She's vulnerable.

She's fragile.

Now, what does she value more than anything?

She values her things.

'With the guidance of Francois I quickly transformed myself

'into a textbook juvenile delinquent.

'Sheeni has also held up her end of the bargain

'by finding Dad work at a trade magazine called Progressive Plywood.

'She pretended to be a head-hunter and pitched him the job.

'She said it took some convincing on her part.'

-Sounds cool, but I dunno much about wood.

-That's not what I heard.

'To my chagrin, the magazine is owned by Trent Preston's father.'

-Lemme go first, this is heavy.

-'Sheeni said she'd no option.'

Nice house.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, thanks. That's it, over there.

Oh, Nicky.

Morning, everyone.

Isn't it nice of Officer Westcott to drop by so early and have breakfast with us?

Oh. Sure was. That was nice.

Oh, your father called. He got a job in Ukiah.

Wow, that's good for him. Good.

Do you think it might be a good idea if I move in with him and Lacey for a bit?

Nick, you know as well as I do that won't work.

I depend on that child-support money to eat.

Shouldn't you depend on child-support money to support your child?

Hey...! Be nice to your mom, kid. She's grievin'.

-(IN SHOWER)

-When do I take this conditioner off?

Leave it on three minutes.

(LAUGHTER / SQUEALS)

Shit. Those fuckers are taking a shower together.

How repulsive.

-OW! OW! OW! OW!

-Shit! Shit!

-Turn it off!

-Fuck!

What was all that racket last night?

Nicky, I'm sorry if we disturbed you.

You know, this is my home too.

Suddenly some stranger is staying over and I'm not even consulted.

What's with you, kid? Just mind your own damn business.

You mind your business. He's my son.

Nicky, you're right.

I should've said Officer Westcott would be spending the evening.

I'm sorry.

I thought there were laws in the city against illicit cohabitation.

Or are they just another policeman's joke?

Kid, you're asking for trouble. Just don't. Just don't.

Or what are you gonna do?

Shoot me with your gun?

All right... Lance! OK, OK, OK...

You just SHUT your mouth, right now. Right now.

Thanks for breakfast. (CLATTER)

Where are you going?

(OPENS CAR DOOR)

(LIQUID SLOSHES)

What are those for?

You and I are gonna find a nice quiet parking lot

and set this baby on fire.

I thought we were gonna wreck it.

Use your head.

No sense getting killed for a girl.

(SLOSHING LIQUID)

(TYRES SCREECH / TOOTING)

Sure you know what you're doing?!

Relax, kid. I wrote the book.

OK, pull over, pull over!

We have to pull over.

Pull over. Now.

OK.

We need to consider our actions and what the consequences will be.

Listen, asshole.

You've made the decisions for 16 years, and look at you.

I'm here to rescue you from yourself.

So be quiet, and let me blow some shit up.

OK, one request, as this is my life.

Can we keep it to the minimum amount of destruction possible?

Yeah. Perfect. OK.

Absolute minimum. That's good.

I like that.

(TOOTING)

Oh.

(SCREAMING)

(TV) '..no deaths or major injuries were reported,

'although some fire-fighters...'

Hi, guys. How was dinner?

Just keep your lips sewn, fucker!

You stole your mother's car and trailer and set a 5 million fire?!

I won't stand for such allegations!

Nicky, they have a description of the arsonist.

"White teenage male, approximately 5'9", 135lb, dirty blond hair,

seen pulling a trailer with God's Perfect Asshole painted on it.

That could be anyone.

My only son is going to prison - what am I gonna do?!

No, no, no, no, no...!

Shhh...! It's gonna be OK.

You know what? I'll tell you what.

I'll just say that Nick reported the car stolen before the fire.

-It'll get him off the hook. OK?

-(ESTELLE SIGHS)

But I could take some serious, serious heat for this.

Oh, Lance, you are so wonderful.

-What can I ever do to repay you?

-I'll think of something...!

Oh, but, you know what, baby?

I don't think he should be here when the detectives come around. Right?

So, um, the best thing to do is to send him away for a while.

Let him go make his father's life miserable for a change!

-But I like it here.

-You're goin', buster!

-'Hello?'

-Your son just burned down Berkeley. Come and get the brat!

-'Estelle?'

-Start packing your bags.

Oh, no, no...!

Aren't you going to punish him?

I'd say he deserves a good hiding.

He's just too much for me any more. Can you do it, hon?

Yeah, I could help you out.

'I stepped away for a few minutes.

'Francois volunteered to take the thrashing.

'A painful sacrifice for the woman I love.'

You through, big man?

'So off we go to beautiful Ukiah.

'Where soon I'll be in the warm embrace

'of the mother of my future, gifted children.'

-Hello?

-'Sheeni, it's Nick.'

-'Hi, darling. Where are you?'

-'I'm here. I'm in Ukiah.'

'I'm living with my dad. My mother kicked me out.'

How did you do it?

I stole my mother's car and burned down half of Berkeley.

'She HAD to send me away.'

-'Nicky, that's incredible.'

-'I did it for you, Sheeni.'

I did it so we could be together.

I bet you didn't think I had it in me, did you?

That is so romantic, Nicky. I don't know what to say.

It'll be like we planned. You, me and Albert - we'll all be together.

Hello, Mr Saunders. Is Sheeni available, please?

She most certainly is not.

We know about what you did in Berkeley, young man.

You are lucky I don't strangle you right here in Christ's eyes.

You're the devil and that's a hell-beast.

You're lucky we don't call the police to arrest you right now.

-You're not gonna let me see Sheeni?

-Sheeni's leaving. We're sending her away.

-What?

-To boarding school. Where she'll be safe!

She's had a lot of bad influences here, you being the worst.

But I'm in love with Sheeni. I can't live without her.

-Live or die - we have no preference.

-Stay out of our family life.

'Later Sheeni called to say she'd turned disaster into an opportunity.

'She convinced her parents to send her to a French prep school

'200 miles away in Santa Cruz.

'She says she's wanted to go to it since she was a little girl,

'and that going there will improve her chances of a school in Paris.

'Things are bad.'

How can I eat with this dog staring at me?

-He likes you, George.

-Well, the feeling's not mutual.

Nick, since you won't be getting an allowance,

-you better think about getting a part-time job.

-OK.

There's an opening at my office.

-Typing and filing after school.

-Isn't that what that boy Trent does?

Trent went away to some French- speaking prep school in Santa Cruz?

-(ENGLISH ACCENT)

-Hello.

-You're new here, right?

-Yeah.

-I'm Vijay Joshi. Nice to meet you.

Nick Twisp. Pleasure to meet you.

-So, have you made many friends in Ukiah yet, Nick?

-Not really.

I moved here for my girlfriend,

-now she's at a French school in Santa Cruz.

-Sheeni Saunders?

-Yeah. Did you know her?

-We were locker neighbours.

So you are her new fellow?

Yeah.

I'm surprised.

Why's that?

It's just that to replace the magnificent Trent Preston

one expects at least a minor deity.

Anyhow, it's good to know us shorter fellows still appeal to the ladies.

Right. I believe I'm of average height for my age, Vijay.

Do tell Sheeni I say hello.

How fortunate to attend L'Ecole des Arts. I've always wanted to go.

-Do you speak French?

-Yes, fluently.

She says English is forbidden on campus.

Even if you are haemorrhaging from an accidental limb amputation.

Her roommate from New York, Taggarty has already slept with 17 guys,

and hopes to make 50 before college. I really must meet this girl.

-Keep going.

-Trent has taken up windsurfing

and become target number one among all the girls in her class.

She's trying not to be jealous

but sometimes has twinges of distress.

She says Trent's presence on campus came as a shock to her

and that it is merely a coincidence they transferred to the same school.

Yeah. Somehow I can't feature that.

Trent has expressed an interest in mending the relationship

and getting on like adults. I think, all in all, she's happy

and will grow in this rich intellectual environment.

-I don't like the sound of this.

-No.

-Her roommate sounds like a bad influence.

-Certainly uninhibited.

I wonder if she likes intelligent boys.

That Trent Preston will mindfuck her into thinking she's too good for me.

And, then, probably fuck her in more literal ways.

I've gotta go there and find out what's going on.

-Perhaps I could accompany you and meet this magnificent Taggarty.

-OK.

-How will we get there?

-We could use my grandmother's car.

Will she let us have it?

She's currently on life-support, permission is not a salient issue.

Vijay, that's great!

(JACQUES DUTRONC: Les Cactus)

Excuse me. Do you guys know a Sheeni Saunders?

Very helpful.

Excuse me, do you know Sheeni Saunders?

(SPEAKS FRENCH) Are you fucking kidding me?!

-Do you see her?

-Afraid not.

-Do you guys know a Sheeni Saunders?

-Quoi?

-Sheeni Saunders?

-Do you speak English?

-Non.

-Do you speak English?

-Je ne comprends pas du tout.

-You don't speak English? Liar.

Bullshit. Speak English to me. Nobody speaks English?

This is America. (PUPIL SPEAKS FRENCH) You fucking kidding me?!

Nick?!

Sheeni.

-Albert!

-(Woof! Woof!)

Hello...!

Hi.

-(SHEENI)

-I can't believe you came all this way. And with Albert.

I had to see you, Sheeni.

-I can't stop thinking about you.

-That's sweet.

-And Albert won't stop talking about you.

-Aw...!

(SPEAKS FRENCH)

You two boys shouldn't sleep in your car tonight. It might not be safe.

-We could sneak you in after lights-out.

-Sounds great.

-I'm in.

There's your competition.

(DOOR OPENS)

(MATCH BEING STRUCK)

You think that Trent fellow would sleep on the floor?

-Hey.

-Hey.

I'm sorry, sweetie. Not with other people in the room.

OK.

-Good night.

-'Night.

(RETCHING)

(TOILET FLUSHES)

Who are you?

I'm Sheeni's friend Nick. I'm sorry to have disturbed you.

It's OK. You don't have to go.

So are you Sheeni's boyfriend or something?

Yeah.

-And you're spending the night?

-Mm-hm.

-Where's Taggarty?

-She's sleeping.

-A friend and I are camping out on the floor.

-I get it.

-A slumber party.

-(WEAKLY) Yeah...

I'm Bernice.

Bernice Lynch. Not that you asked.

Bernice Lynch, that's a very pretty name.

I think that my friend Trent Preston might have mentioned you.

Yeah, Bernice Lynch... But he said you were frumpy and unpresentable.

But now I've met you, I see Trent is a lying bastard.

Maybe I should stop being his friend

if he goes round calling you trashy-looking. Who would do that?

But he's been very touchy since he started doing steroids.

-Trent does steroids?

-He does a LOT of steroids.

Says it's to ensure he becomes the best windsurfer.

He figures since he can't write poetry and has to plagiarise...

You mean...all his poetry is stolen?

Course! It's all classic Bobby Frost. Every word.

Trent and Sheeni can go to hell.

(RHYTHMIC CREAKING)

(DOOR HINGES CREAK)

(RHYTHMIC CREAKING CONTINUES)

-Hey.

-Hi.

Hey, it's a bit cold on the floor.

-Is it?

-Yeah. Do you think maybe I could cuddle next to you?

The whole night?

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess that'd be OK.

Or we could do more than just cuddle.

Nick...!

Ooh, I love when you say my name.

Now why don't you pull down these blankets

-and show what you're hiding?

-Is that what you want me to do?

Say yes.

That is exactly what I want you to do.

And then I wanna tickle your belly button.

From the inside.

Nick, you're being so BAD...!

Not half as bad as the nasty things I wanna do right now with my tongue.

I'll wrap your legs around my head and wear you like the crown you are.

(VIGOROUS CREAKING ABOVE) If that's OK with you.

-My God, what's gotten into you?

-I dunno, but let's go with it.

Qu'est-ce qui se passe ici? OH!

Petit cochon! Petit cochon!

(ALL SHOUT IN FRENCH)

-Nous allons partir maintenant, madame.

-Viens ici! Viens ici!

(ALL SHOUT IN FRENCH EXCEPT NICK, ALBERT BARKS)

Nick!

Nick! You have to take Albert!

(SHOUTING CONTINUES)

C'est pas fini! C'est pas fini!

Attends!

Revenez!

(ENGINE STARTS)

Je n'oublierai pas ton visage!

God, we were so close. Fuck!

How was it, Vijay?

It was magnificent.

I fear it could be terribly addicting.

This night has ignited in me a lust of disturbing insatiability!

Yeah, well, congratulations.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. (THUMPS DASHBOARD)

Fuck. Fuck.

(ENGINE IS NOT RUNNING) Fuck.

Fuck, man... Fuck.

Fuck.

(RINGING TONE)

-(MAN)

-'Hello?'

Mr Ferguson, it's Nick.

'Oh, Nick boy. How are you, son?'

Not so good, Mr Ferguson.

I'm attempting to smuggle a young illegal immigrant

who's fleeing political oppression on the subcontinent to Ukiah,

but we've become stranded and face not reaching the sanctuary at all.

'Oh, dear. The poor lad.'

Yeah, it's breaking my heart. He's got the saddest look on his face.

Those poor girls.

They'll likely notify their parents, perhaps even expel them.

Expel them?

Oh, my God, you're right.

They'll be expelled.

Sheeni, will have to come back to Ukiah.

Bernice, you sweet angel of the lavatory!

(CAR APPROACHES) Come on.

Mr Ferguson.

Good heavens! You boys must be freezing!

And this must be the little soldier.

Welcome!

What's happened to your clothes, son?

-(SUBCONTINENTAL ACCENT)

-INS took them.

Damn them!

When I was arriving by the customs, sir. It was so terrible.

They told me I was even lucky to keep my knickers.

Well, that nightmare is over.

And why don't you have any clothes on, Nick?

Solidarity.

-Thanks for getting us, Mr Ferguson.

-Ahh..!

-So this safe house is in Ukiah?

-That's right.

-And you're certain they'll take care of him?

-Oh, yeah.

They'll treat him as if he were their own.

'After we dropped Vijay off, I asked Mr Ferguson to spend the night.

'It'd be a chance for Dad to reciprocate

'for all the nights he spent on Mr Ferguson's couch

'before he and Mom finally tossed in the towel.

'Mr Ferguson agreed not to tell Dad about the refugee.

'He understands you may have to lie for a greater cause.'

(MUFFLED SHOUTING WITHIN)

-..SEXIST DRUNK!

-Hey, honey, it doesn't bother me

if YOU wanna sleep alone.

Does it bother you being a boring, selfish lover?

Hey, I ran into Mr Ferguson downtown. OK if he spends the night?

What the hell are you doing in your underwear?

Hi, Nick.

Want a hit?

Sorry, do I know you?

-(INHALES DEEPLY)

-I'm Paul.

Sheeni's older brother.

Come on in.

-How'd you know it was me, Paul?

-We met.

No, we haven't.

In a previous life.

Oh.

Nice fire.

Did Sheeni tell you that was me?

She didn't have to.

Why? Was I an arsonist in a previous life?

No.

But Sheeni was.

That's very good.

So, I spoke with Taggarty on the phone this morning.

She's requested a wallet-sized photograph for her wall.

-Did they get expelled?

-No.

Taggarty was able to convince the matron it was all innocent.

Innocent? Are you kidding me?!

I could've cut the sexual intercourse in that room with a knife!

'Francois feels a man can only take so much,

'before dignity demands he rise up against an absurd, unjust universe.

'I'm going to need a partner in crime.

'Dear Bernice, it was nice meeting you this weekend in the bathroom.

'I hope your stomach has settled.

'I know you informed the matron of our presence

'but I want you to know I hold no grudge.

'You were upset from hearing what Trent has been saying about you,

'and probably weren't yourself.

'I think Trent needs to be taught a lesson for calling you a fat cow

'and an ugly whore.

'I suggest you take revenge by getting Sheeni kicked out of school.

'Everyone knows it would crush Trent if she were sent away.

'How to get her kicked out of school, you may ask?

'I have included a number of sleeping pills with this note.

'Introduce one into her breakfast beverage each morning.

'She may be intelligent and beautiful but she won't pass her courses

'if she is falling asleep in class.

'Since meeting you, I realise my interest in Sheeni

'was merely an adolescent infatuation.

'You seem like a much more genuine person.

'By the way, do you suppose there is any truth to the rumours

'that Trent lost his virginity to his first cousin?

'Maybe you could ask around and see if anyone else heard that.

'Be strong, Bernice. Take courage.

'Affectionately yours, Nick Twisp.'

(HELPLESS GIGGLING)

Hi, folks.

Hi, Nick.

I didn't realise you two knew each other.

We met the other day and got to talking

and realised we both knew you. Isn't life funny? Paul, don't you think?

-(PAUL)

-Only slightly.

We saved you some mushrooms, Nick. It's gonna change your life.

They're pretty powerful, so only take two.

Have fun.

(EMITS LONG SINGLE NOTE)

(LITTLE WINGS) # In your eye

# In your eye I will spy

# In your head

# In your ear, I will whisper

# Whisper

# I will not be your prisoner

# I will not be your prisoner

# In your eye

# In your sky

# In your ear

# In your head

# I will dream in...

# Love...

# Love... #

(MUSIC SUDDENLY DIES AWAY)

(SINGLE NOTE ON HORN CONTINUES)

Lacey!

What in fuck are you people doing?!

Nick, what the fuck is going on?

OK, George. Just calm down now.

-Who the...?

-Calm down before the neighbours call the sheriff.

OK, Lacey, c'mon.

-OK, you all right? You can get up.

-Get your hands off me, you fuck!

-Easy, George.

-Fuck!

Fuck!

I apologise.

Bye, guys.

Bye, Nicky.

Hey, Nick, y'know, Sheeni's coming home for Thanksgiving dinner.

You should be there.

But, Paul, your parents despise me.

Dinner's at two. Hope you like turkey.

I love it.

(PHONE RINGS)

-Hello?

-'Nick.'

-Hi, Mom. What's up?

-'Hi, honey. How are you?'

-Fine, Mom.

-Lance and I are through.

-'Oh.'

He was being very rude to me.

At my age, I don't have to stand for that.

That's good to hear, Mom.

Maybe you should try and be single for a while.

Romances don't seem to be your calling in life.

Nicky, when Lance stormed out he said he was through covering for you

'The police know you set that fire, and he told them where you are.'

Nicky, they're coming to arrest you.

OK, Mom. Thanks for calling. Happy Thanksgiving.

You're still going over there?! We need to get out town.

What about Sheeni?

Think. Is this bitch worth going to jail for?

-Oh, hi, Nick.

-Hi, Paul.

-Right on time. Come on in.

-I brought maple bars for dessert.

-Fantastic.

-They're really good.

-They smell good.

Hello.

-Happy Thanksgiving, Nicky.

-Oh, hey, Lacey.

-I brought some maple bars.

-Thank you! I'll set them out.

Mr and Mrs Saunders, you remember Nick, don't you?

Hi.

-Paul served them an appetiser earlier.

-Stuffed mushrooms.

Oh.

Hey.

-Nick.

-Sheeni.

What's wrong? What's wrong?

What?

I was expelled.

What? Why?

For falling asleep in class.

For my grades.

I'm stuck back here with my parents in this horrible trailer.

My brother's lost his mind. He's drugged everyone.

-Let's get out of here.

-What?

Let's run away together.

The police are after me. They know that I started the fire.

But we could be outlaws together, just like we planned.

-I have to think.

-<

-Sheeni! Dinner's ready!

Everything's really delicious.

Paul prepared the entire meal.

He just loves all the traditional Thanksgiving foods.

I hope it's the first of many such occasions for myself.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

-I'll get it.

-(MOTHER, WEAKLY)

-Is someone here?

-Trent!

-Happy Thanksgiving, sweetie.

-What are you doing here?

-Can I come in?

-Of course.

Hello, everyone.

Trent, this is Lacey, Paul's friend.

-Yes, we've met before at my father's office.

-Yes!

-You're looking wonderful, Lacey!

-Thank you!

-Happy Thanksgiving!

-You too.

-It's great to see you.

-And this is Nick.

Hello, Nick.

Hello, Trent.

-Have a seat, Trent.

-I'm sorry, Sheeni, but I can't.

In fact, I have a bit of bad news.

-What is it?

-I searched the room of Bernice Lynch from top to bottom.

Did you obtain proper authorisation from the school officials?

No, Nick. I acted on my own initiative.

I was curious as to why a girl as sweet as Bernice

would colour me in such an unflattering light.

In Bernice's closet, I found...this letter.

(PLAYS DRAMATIC CHORD CHANGE)

In the letter, the writer expresses a strong affection for Bernice...

and instructs her in a programme of sedating Sheeni

with drugs that he himself supplied.

Nicky, you didn't. You could've killed me!

-Oh, Nicky...!

-Bad break, Nick.

-Who died?

-No one yet, Mrs Saunders.

-Arrest him!

-I can't arrest him.

But I have called the Santa Cruz police and they're on their way.

Well, I'll be leaving.

Please continue without me.

Nick.

I would advise you to stay here, and face the consequences like a man.

Well, thank you for that unsolicited counsel, Trent.

And please do drop dead.

Goodbye, Sheeni.

(MRS SAUNDERS PLAYS OMINOUS CHORDS)

(SIRENS APPROACHING)

(FRUIT BATS) # Baby, remember on the bus

# And my hand was on your knee

# When you love somebody It's hard to think about anything

# But to breathe

# Baby, I am the cub who is washed out in the flood

# When you love somebody and bite your tongue

# All you get is a mouthful of blood

# OK...

# When you love somebody

# It's hard to think about anything but to breathe

Dad! Dad, help me. We need to get outta here!

-We need to leave.

-Nick, where've you been? The cops are looking for you.

-They found my illegal satellite dish...

-Dad! We need to go.

-I need you to put me up in a motel. Or something.

-Are you fucking crazy?

-Do you expect me to let you get away with all this?

-I'm calling the cops.

Dad, are you gonna send your only son to prison?!

Hey, I don't need a lecture from a fucking arsonist!

At least gimme the car so I can get outta here.

If you think I'd give you my car you got another think coming!

-Dad!

-You're not a little kid any more!

-You gotta face the music, Nick.

-Dad...

(RATTLE OF KEYS)

Nick!

Open this door! Nick! I'm warning you, don't you do this!

Nick!

Open this door! You open this...

Nick, get back here!

You stop this car right now, I'm warning you! YOU'RE IN TROUBLE!

We're stopping to admire the scenery?

I don't want to leave without Sheeni.

Cut the shit.

Maybe I can live as a woman. Change my name to Carlotta.

Just start the fucking car.

I can't leave with her hating me.

I have to go back and tell her that everything I did was for her.

Let me paint you a little picture.

You go back, they bust you, you go to jail.

Sheeni goes on with her life. Fuck Sheeni.

(LOCKING BEEPS)

All right. I'm gonna help you get back to your lady.

But you better get laid this time.

Cos if you go to jail a virgin, I won't be sticking around.

Now give me 25 cents, Carlotta.

-Officer Lance Westcott, please.

-'One moment.'

'Officer Westcott.'

Hey, asshole. It's me.

'Nick...! You little shit! You know you're going to jail, right?'

I'm calling to make it easy.

Hazel Park - one hour. Round up your doughnut-dipping friends,

I'm turning myself in. Fuck you.

Holy shit, you've lost your mind.

Wait.

(TOOTS HORN)

(HORN BLASTS HEARD IN DISTANCE)

(NEWS ON TV)

(TV) 'Repeating our top story - In Oakland a police source identified

'Nicholas Twisp as a suspect in last September's massive fire

'in downtown Berkeley.

'We have an exclusive interview with one of Twisp's former classmates.

'I just hope that society isn't too severe in judging Nicholas.

'So often my generation is portrayed as a juvenile and wasteful group.

'He needs help. And he's better off in the hands of the authorities.

'Twisp is 5'9", 135lb,

'with brown eyes, dirty-blond hair and a pale complexion.'

'He was last seen in the vicinity of Ukiah.'

-(DOOR CHIMES)

-Who's that?

(GIRL-ISH VOICE) Hello, Mrs Saunders. I'm Carlotta.

-Sheeni's friend from school.

-Oh. Hello there.

I've come to memorise hymns with Sheeni for this Sunday's services.

-Sheeni's coming to church?!

-That's my understanding, yeah.

-Oh, well, please... do come in!

-Thank you. Thank you.

Sheeni? Your friend Carlotta's here!

Phil, this is Carlotta. She says Sheeni's coming to church on Sunday.

-Well, nice to meet you, young lady.

-Nice to meet you, Mr Saunders.

Hello, Sheeni.

Hello, Carlotta.

May I come up?

You got me expelled.

I'm sorry, Sheeni.

Do you realise what life is like for me here? Do you have any idea?

Sheeni, I've been alone my whole life.

I do know what it's like.

I'd burn down Berkeley for you.

I destroyed both of my parents' cars.

I've lied and manipulated and had you sedated.

I did all that so that...we wouldn't have to be alone any more.

You're him, aren't you?

I'm him?

You're my Francois.

You're the one I've been looking for.

Sheeni, I want what you want.

I wanna live all over the world and have adventures.

But I'm not Francois.

I'm the guy who saw you and fell in love with you

and would do anything for you.

That's who I am.

I don't wanna give you this, but I don't have anything else to discard.

Oh, thank you very much and here's your change.

Always shop at Tesco.

It's a wonder that humankind has constructed any kind of civilization

with this monumental distraction at hand.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Trent!

-What are you doing here?

-I brought the police.

I wasn't fooled for a second when I saw that ugly girl at your door.

-You were lurking outside my house?

-Of course.

Protecting you.

Trent, you're a very nice person

but I just don't have those feelings for you.

-You're going to jail.

-Trent, I don't wanna hurt you,

so if you and your adorable sweater would step away from...

Come here you little shit! You son of a bitch!

Get off of me!

This is the arsonist!

All right.

Just relax. It's over.

I might be away for a long time, darling.

You're 16. You're going to juvenile detention.

-You'll be out in three months.

-So you'll wait for me?

Where the hell else am I gonna go?

# JO STAFFORD: My Romance

'Well, I'm headed for a stint in juvenile detention.

'I am at least comforted by the fact that I'm not going in a virgin.

'And at lunch, when hardened offenders gather to swap tales of teenage rebellion,

'I bet they'll find mine hard to top.

'Sheeni says she'll wait for me,

'and that when I'm released, we'll finally be together and free.

'And I believe her.

'I can feel in my heart that Sheeni is in love with me.

'Not with some fantasy lover in a French romantic novel,

'but with me, Nick Twisp.

'It's funny... After all that,

'Nick Twisp was enough.'

(BEULAH) # I know he knocks you off your feet

# You're so bitter, you think he's sweet

# Well, he's wrong for you I swear

# Did you forget to read the script?

# There was never a role for him

# It was always you and me

# Just me

# Popular mechanics for broken hearts

# Could help me now

# I know you never felt romance

# And we always lack suspense

# I can edit those parts out

# I never made you feel complete

# I would fall down beneath your feet

# I would never bring you down so down

# Popular mechanics for broken hearts could help me now

# Just because he loves you too

# He would never take a bullet for you

# Don't believe a word he says

# He would never cut his heart out for you

# I heard he wrote you a song But so what

# Some guy wrote 69

# And one just ain't enough

# And there is no sense in you tryin'

# I know Cos I been trying all the time

# To find

# Something that would make you mine

# But all I'll ever find, my love

# Are cliches that don't rhyme...#

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