Dinner for Schmucks

This film contains some strong language

MUSIC: "The Fool On The Hill" by The Beatles

Poor Jacobson.

He took his stapler? How pitiful is that?

Still, you got to hand it to him... He went for it.

That was his big mistake.

Always stay in the middle of the pack.

It's the frontrunners who fall off the cliff.

At least Jacobson made it up on the seventh floor.

It smells like cabbage on this floor!

That's the smell of dead dreams.

I go to the clubs at night and people are like,

"Hey, who's wearing the coleslaw?"

Do you know how hard it is to get laid when you smell like coleslaw?

Not hard, but still.

He had a pretty sweet office.

I wonder who's going to get it?

You wonder who's going to get his office?

Jesus, Josh, why don't you show a little class?

The guy just got fired.

-I'm going to get that office.

-You'd better, Tim.

You need that job. With that car you're driving and that apartment?

You're overextended.

These opportunities don't come along all the time.

Right now, the window's open and if you hesitate, bam!

You're going to be my assistant. Assistant to an assistant.

You can't go lower. It's a shitty job, Tim.

Do you think Julie's going to marry you then?

SHE CHUCKLES

Don't mess this up.

-Good pep talk.

-All right. Go, team!

The whole reason we bought the plant was to shut the factory,

shed the workforce and sell the equipment.

But now, it's all contaminated with low-level radiation.

Nobody wants to touch it.

Americans are so uptight about radiation.

They are. But the Russians are a little less particular

about this sort of thing.

I like it. Get two bids. Drive up the price.

-OK?

-That makes sense.

-On a different note, you'll notice

that our colleague, Doug Jacobson, has been relieved of his duties.

Mr Jacobson led us right to the edge, playing around in the currency markets.

As a consequence, tomorrow morning, I want ten ideas

to make up for his mistakes.

-What are you doing?

-I have an idea.

An analyst...

has an idea. OK, then.

-GROANING

-Nice knowing you, buddy.

Sixth floor, stepping up. Nice!

CHUCKLING

-Whoa!

-It's all right. It's dead.

It's manufactured by Mueller Armaments, from Zurich, Switzerland.

It's a company that made a fortune during World War I.

Now they're sitting on a bunch of bombs

that even the worst armies in the world don't want.

All right, so we cannibalise the company.

Who's going to buy the pieces?

Oh, no, we're not going to strip this one down.

Wow. Novelty lamps. Great idea.

We could literally make hundreds of dollars. Hundreds.

Who cares about lamps?

Martin Mueller does.

When Martin isn't busy running his family's business into the ground,

he's either yachting or buying art for his castle.

The business is going under, but his personal fortune is vast.

Nearly half a billion.

I heard he was in town, so I sent a prototype over to his hotel.

He loved the lamps.

He wants to sit down.

The lamps are really just a way to get our foot in the door.

We're going to lose money on them.

But we'll make millions managing his personal portfolio.

Mueller keeps his business. We've got a brand-new client.

-Everybody wins.

-Everybody wins. That's a new one.

Caldwell, you want to lake the lead on this?

-Absolutely.

-I'll ride shotgun.

-Actually, I was hoping I could take the lead.

-Oh...

Uh, let me think...No.

INDISTINCT CHATTER

You should've quit while you were ahead, buddy.

You know what they say, tallest tree gets chopped down first.

-That went well.

-Mr Conrad?

Have you got a second?

Come in!

You can just set your bombs by the door.

You put on quite a show in there. Sit down.

Oh, that looks good on him, right?

Yep. Better than it did on Jacobson. You're going to need a nicer watch.

Nicer watch, nicer suit.

Hey, to the ballsiest guy on the sixth floor, huh?

Not going to be on the sixth floor for long.

Does that mean this is my new office?

Not yet. No, I want to get to know you a little better.

I host a dinner once a month.

-Next one's on Saturday.

-Great, OK.

And it's top-secret. You can't tell anyone.

What are we talking about here? Orgy?

Is it a human sacrifice of some kind?

We're...collectors.

I'll let the guys fill you in.

Some people collect vintage automobiles.

Some people collect fine wines. Fender collects people.

-People?

-Yeah.

Each of us finds a remarkable person

and invites them to dinner at Fender's.

We call it the Dinner For Winners.

Here's the guy that I invited last year.

There you go. Look at that.

The guy designed that suit. Real-life Iron Man.

-He took first prize.

-He's an idiot.

You got it.

You invite idiots to dinner and make fun of them?

Mm-hmm.

That's...messed up.

-I know, right?

-It's completely messed up.

At the end of the night, Fender picks the best one, gives him a trophy

and we release him out in the wild, none the wiser.

Yeah. No harm, no foul. Hey, you're going to do great.

Just have a little subtlety when you pick your guy.

Fender's a connoisseur.

Yeah. Hey, and no mimes. It's a cliche.

Jacobson brought a mime.

Exactly. And you don't see his shit here any more, do you?

THEY MOUTH

-Hey.

-Hey!

Congratulations.

So how did it go? What happened today?

Oh, I'll tell you later. Look at this crowd!

I know, it's amazing. We actually sold every painting.

That's incredible! Oh, my God!

Except that I did another one of my name-fiasco thingies.

Oh, God, what happened?

The director of the San Francisco MoMA is here.

His name is Steve Doche.

And I thought that it was pronounced "douche".

God. It's like the Ron Fuchs episode all over again.

It actually kind of loosened things up.

And, uh, he's giving Kieran a solo show, and he wants me to curate it.

Oh, my God!

You know, that is so like you! You call a guy a douche

and get your first museum show out of it.

You're amazing. I love you so much.

You're stunning and you're smart and you're just awful with pronunciation.

-Hey!

-I'm not Fuching around here.

Marry me.

I love you.

I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

But remember when you asked me before,

and I said this is a big step,

maybe we should just wait a little bit?

Yeah?

-That was two days ago.

-I know. I know.

I just need a little bit of time.

All right. I'll ask you in two hours.

Let's go.

Wow, it's packed.

So, where's the artiste?

I always try and create some tension in my work.

Once a reviewer said of a certain piece of mine,

they said, "I think that's disgusting."

I said, "Good! I want it to disgust you."

Sometimes I'll be working on a piece and I'll think, "No, this is bullshit."

So I will literally rub bull excrement on the piece as a meta...metaphor.

Excuse me. I'm so sorry.

Julie.

-Ah, la voila - la reine de la soiree!

-Ah, tu es trop mignon!

Kieran, you remember Tim?

-The stockbroker.

-No. No.

I, uh, I work for a private equity firm

that specialises in distressed assets.

So kind of a stockbroker.

Almost nothing like a stockbroker.

Do you mind if I just call you stockbroker?

That's the way I remember people. You're stockbroker Tim.

Hey, so what do you think?

Oh! Really...tremendous work.

They're so big. And you're in all of them.

Come with me, Tim.

-Enjoy.

-Mm-hmm.

I have a little ranch...I say little. It's absolutely massive

if you actually measure it... outside of town,

where I go to disappear, get away from this bullshit.

One of my zebras was in labour. It was a messy business.

The foal was in breech. At about the 22nd hour,

I just said, "Stuff it."

And I just thrust my hand in, turned the little guy around.

-Wow.

-Do you have any idea what it's like,

Tim, to be up to your elbow... in a zebra's vagina?

And feel life? New life, fresh life.

No, I don't.

You should try it, Tim. It's magical.

Yeah, I'm OK.

She let me keep the afterbirth to create this piece.

Oh, wow, that's disgusting. I don't think I get it, Kieran.

Poppycock. You've been stockbroking too long, Tim.

Oh, wow.

What does it make you think of?

I guess it kind of makes me, um...

think of your penis.

Then you get it.

Julie gets it.

Hi, I need you to talk to a buyer. This way.

See you in a bit.

JULIE LAUGHS

Do you know what it's like

to have your entire head inside its anus?

Julie? Poppycock.

OK, so you're just completely immune to his animal magnetism?

He looks good in a pair of hooves. What can I say?

So, you going to tell me what happened today?

I think I might've gotten that promotion.

Really? Oh, my God, that's amazing.

-Well...

-When? When do you start?

All right, well, it's not official yet. It's not official.

-There's this dinner.

-Good. When is it?

-It's, uh, Saturday.

-OK. We can do that.

No, it's not really a girlfriend-type thing.

It's really the guys from the office.

-And we have to bring a person.

-What do you mean, "a person?"

A...person with a skill or a talent of some kind.

Are you talking about strippers, here? cos I'm not...

Oh, no, no. Nothing like that. No.

We have to, uh, bring an idiot to dinner to make fun of them.

-OK, that is messed up.

-I know,

-I know.

-So you told them you're not going.

Oh, yeah. No, absolutely.

Tell Fender that I can't make the dinner.

Tell him that my back thing is acting up

and I have to stay in bed for a few days.

Why don't I just tell him you're having your period?

'Tim, I can't stay on this floor any more.'

These people are pathetic!

Happy Birthday, Carol.

'Why can't you just suck it up,'

make fun of some idiots and stop thinking about yourself for once?

Susana, I know this is painful for you,

but sometimes in life you have to do the right thing.

Just lie. It's not that hard. I'm texting a lie right now!

Oh!

HORN HONKS

Jesus Christ!

Are you OK?

Yeah, I'm OK.

-Is that a Porsche?

-Yeah.

Oh, wow. I have been hit by a Datsun before.

-Never a Porsche.

-Oh, man...

-Barry Speck.

-Tim Conrad.

Are you sure you're OK? I didn't see you. What were you doing?

Oh, well, I saw this little guy in the street and was trying to save him.

-Uh, I think it's dead.

-Yes, that's why he couldn't run away.

A couple more seconds, you would've squished him.

Nice pelt, though.

-Ready?

-PHONE CAMERA CLICKS

Uh, I hope those aren't for your lawyer.

No. I would rather not have lawyers get involved.

All right, I get it.

You said you were fine, but...

what would it take to keep the lawyers out?

Five.

-Oh.

-Five dollars.

I don't... What do you mean?

-Ten dollars.

-Seriously, what? Come on.

How much do you want?

-100 dollars.

-I don't want anything.

-500 dollars.

-I don't...it's OK.

-All right...

-As long as you're OK, then...

10,000!

OK, I'll take 10,000 dollars.

I don't have 10,000.

You know what? Don't worry about it.

-Really?

-Yeah.

As long as you're OK.

-Oh, you're a good person.

-Nah, it's all right.

-Oh...

-Get out of the road!

-You are. You're a good person.

-Thank you.

No, you are. You're a really nice person.

All right, well, as long as you're OK,

-that's OK.

-Thanks. Thank you.

Yeah. You take care.

I won't forget this.

-Oh, you dropped your...

-Oh, yeah. That's my latest series.

I know. Mouseterpieces. Get it?

-That's the Mona Lisa.

-That's the Mouse-a-Lisa.

-Mouse-a-Lisa...

-There they are.

Found her on the 405. From here down, she was a mess,

but the head - perfect.

Oh, that's Cubism, Not as easy as it looks.

Well, it doesn't look easy.

I like her. I love the tail.

GASPING

-Check that out. You like them?

-I'm speechless.

Mm. So is he.

Cos he's screaming.

I was stopping by the store today to get some pelt wax and spine wire.

You know, wanted to fill the guys in on what I've been up to.

Oh, hey, you know what? I have some in the flesh. Want to see 'em?

Where did they...? Oh! Come here!

Come here!

Hold on, hold on, hold on. Don't look!

OK.

-All right.

-Can I look?

Hold on, hold on, hold on...

Go ahead.

Wow. Incredible.

Does that guy look sort of familiar?

I'll give you a hint. He wrote the Bible.

-Is it Jesus?

-Yes!

-You know your stuff!

-Amazing.

Yeah. Well, it's a hobby. I like to think that...

I'm sort of giving them a second chance, you know?

In the words of John Lennon,

"You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not."

"The only one."

The only what?

No, that's the lyric.

"You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one."

Oh... OK, Tim.

You know, Barry, this was a very strange way to meet,

but I think everything happens for a reason.

Whoa, whoa. Did you make that up?

-Yeah.

-Wow.

"Everything happens for a reason." I like that.

Thanks. Anyway, tomorrow night, I'm having dinner with some friends.

Are you? That's incredible. Congratulations.

I was wondering, would you like to join us?

-You shitting me?

-No.

Say that your girlfriend thinks meat is murder,

and she convinces you to become a vegetarian.

Then one day, you're grilling up a veggie burger, when all of a sudden,

a chicken comes up, plucks itself, covers itself in barbecue sauce

and flings itself on the grill.

That's God sending a message, right?

Yeah, that chicken wants to die.

No. God wants us to move to the seventh floor.

And he sent his only son to tell me.

Come with me, my children, to the seventh floor.

HE MIMICS CHORAL SINGING

Tim! I'd like you to meet Mr and Mrs Mueller.

Of course! What a pleasure it is to meet you.

-THICK ACCENT:

-Mr Conrad! You sent the lamp to my hotel.

-That's...yeah!

-I wished to meet you in person.

Yes, Tim was really helpful when we came up with the idea for the lamps.

And we'd been discussing personal investment as well.

That's a conversation I'm very much looking forward to getting back to.

-Well, I'm glad we could do this.

-Yeah.

Congratulations on your new Matisse.

-It's beautiful.

-Oh!

My wife is a true collector. It was quite a bidding war.

Well, to the victor go the spoils.

You know my family crest. Our motto continues to inspire.

-Ad Victorem Spolias.

-Fantastic.

-Well, shall we?

-Ah.

Join us.

So you follow the art world, Mr Conrad?

I try to. My girlfriend runs the Cronin Gallery downtown.

I would love to meet her. We must have brunch tomorrow.

They can speak about beauty. We can speak about business.

Sounds perfect.

I'll have my assistant make the arrangements.

Auf Wiedersehen.

OK, what the hell just happened? This guy's supposed to be my client.

-You're still just an analyst...

-No, no, this is better.

I didn't know it was going to be a double date.

Tim's the only one here who isn't divorced or dating a hooker.

Wh...?

This guy wants to invest 100 million,

don't mess it up. We need this.

Well, the sixth floor steps up.

-Excuse me.

-Yeah.

Hey, rooting for you, buddy.

Good luck.

My girlfriend's not a hooker.

She tried to give me a BJ.

If she didn't ask for money, then she's not a hooker, is she?

She asked me for money. It wasn't that expensive, either.

I still had a ton of singles left over from your sister's birthday party.

Hey, is Cinnamon a family name?

-Oh, hey, honey.

-Hey!

Glad you're still here. Look, don't make plans tomorrow morning.

Why?

How'd you like to have brunch with a fascinating Swiss couple?

-OK.

-She's an art collector

and he's got a lot of money.

-I need you. This is huge.

-Oh, it's huge?

-Mmm.

-Really huge.

-What's this?

-Huh?

What is this?

Oh, uh, that's a...

it's a mouse dressed like Jesus.

Mm-hmm.

This guy that I ran into today, he makes them.

He's amazing. He's some kind of artisan.

Really? Are you doing that dinner?

No.

What? Hey, come on.

No, not when you're lying to me.

-Julie, Fender invited me.

-So?

Fender, as in Fender Financial?

The you I know would have just said no.

The me that you know did say no.

But the me you don't know had to say yes.

-The you I don't know?

-Yes.

Look, there's you and the me that you know.

And we love each other and we have a wonderful life.

But then there's the me that you don't know.

The me you don't know has to do things sometimes so that you

and the me that you know can live in this nice apartment,

and eat at nice restaurants and go to Cabo for Christmas.

-He takes care of us.

-You know what?

There should not be any you I don't know.

But there is. You might not like him.

I don't like him. I hate him! But we need him.

-It's like the CIA.

-The CIA?

Mm-hmm. The CIA does some pretty funky, nasty stuff in the shadows,

but I, for one, am glad they're there.

The CIA doesn't invite people to dinner

-to make fun of them.

-No. The CIA kills people.

And I'm getting raked over the coals because of a little dinner.

Can I just ask you something?

Is there any you I don't know who isn't completely full of shit?

I'd love to talk to him right now.

Julie, come on. Julie!

SHE SCOFFS AND MUTTERS

Julie!

Julie, where are you going?

I...I have to go meet Kieran and talk about San Francisco.

Julie, please come out of the elevator.

All right? I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'll call him and tell him that the dinner's off.

-I want to believe you.

-You can believe me.

I'll never see that guy in my life.

I promise.

Oh, my... Let's talk later.

-In a few hours.

-What?

I think we need to cool off.

-Gosh, I hate when that happens.

-We'll talk in a bit, OK?

Just give ourselves a moment... Ah!

I feel like I'm in The Shining.

Ow!

You are welcome.

Oh, God. My back, my back, my back.

Is it your back?

What the hell are you doing here?

Well, I went to the address you gave me.

Nobody was there.

Are we having this dinner or not?

Ow... OK, just...slow.

Shh...

All right.

HE EXHALES

-What are you doing?

-I'm applying heat.

Barry, please stop doing that.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa!

-I'm going to fix your back.

-Barry, stop!

-I am a trained taxidermist.

-And I am alive.

-Wow. You are tight.

-Oh, God!

-OK...

CRACKING NOISES Aaargh!

Wow, look at that face!

-Stop it!

-OK, all right.

I hope this doesn't mess up dinner.

We're not having dinner tonight.

-It's tomorrow.

-I don't think so, Tim.

Barry, I made the plans.

I know when it is.

-I'm pretty sure it's tonight.

-It's not tonight.

OK. All right. I guess one of us got confused.

KEYPAD BEEPING

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Great. She left her phone here.

You know what they say, everything happens for a reason.

-You said that.

-You know what, Barry?

I am really, really looking forward to our dinner tomorrow night.

But right now, I'd appreciate it if you just left.

And the reason is...?

Because I got in a fight with my girlfriend,

and because I'd like to be here alone when she comes back, OK?

What if she doesn't come back?

She's coming back.

Hey, we are going to get through this together.

I think I know someone who might make you feel better.

Remember this guy from the street? This is you.

Barry, that was a dead mouse in the road

a couple of hours ago. Please get it away from my face.

It's like looking in a mirror, isn't it?

You feel better?

-It's amazing.

-Are you cheered up?

Barry, I have a back brace in my bedroom.

If you could just help me get off this couch...

-Sure.

-I want to do this

very slowly and carefully.

-Mm-hmm.

-On the count of...

three! HE SCREAMS

-All you.

-All right.

Now, I... If I could just...

You can do it. You got it!

Oh, yeah!

Yeah, Tim!

-You got this! I'll help!

-No, no, no! I have it.

-All right.

-I'm good.

Tim, you look good!

COMPUTER BEEPS

What are you doing?

-What are you doing?

-Computer.

Oh, my God! You gave her my address?!

She's very concerned about you.

Barry, this woman is a nightmare.

She's been stalking me for three years!

I slept with her one night, biggest mistake of my life.

It was before I even met Julie.

-Why did you do that?

-Because it was New Year's

and I was drunk and she was wearing these fishnet stockings.

You want me to tell her not to come?

Go. Go.

Come to dinner tomorrow and that's it. Let's go. Move!

Come on! Go, go!

Oh, my God, what have you done?

I'm going to make it up to you.

HE GASPS

OK!

OK!

Oh, well, well, well.

If it isn't Little Miss Panty Bottom.

-I'm sorry, who are you?

-I am a friend of Tim's.

-Yeah, I don't know you.

-Oh, you don't?

So you know everything about Tim?

You are the world's greatest expert on all things Tim?

Did Tim invite you to a dinner tomorrow night?

According to him, it is tomorrow night, yes.

Right. You want my advice?

-Don't go.

-OK, may I give you some advice, too?

Do not wear fishnets on New Year's Eve.

It's too cold. When the wind blows, you gotta go with the hose.

You know what? I really need to...

Now, Darla, Darla, come on...

-Darla?

-Yes. He told me all about you.

Really? What did Tim tell you about me?

-QUIETLY:

-Told me about the sex.

The sex?

The dirty, dirty sex.

But he lives with a woman named Julie

and if she comes home and finds you, that, that...

You can imagine how she would feel.

Yeah, I imagine she'd be pretty pissed off.

I gotta nip this in the bud. You gotta move along.

You tell your friend, Tim, he can, uh...

You tell him he can kiss my ass.

Oh, don't have to. We have a picture.

KNOCKS AT DOOR

Problem solved. I intercepted your stalker in the hallway.

-Darla showed up?

-Mm-hmm.

-And you got her to leave?

-Oh, I don't think

you're ever going to see her again.

Wow! Who is that?

Kieran Vollard. He's an artist.

Very attractive man. He can fit a whole octopus in his mouth.

Sort of an animal magnetism about him.

That's what Julie says.

"For Julie. Thanks for everything. Kieran."

Everything?

Yeah, she curated his show.

Hmm... Bet that's not all she curated.

I don't know what that means, Barry.

Well, I don't know what curated means.

Where is she?

Working.

Probably with Kieran.

Where? In his bed?

I seriously doubt they're working in his bed.

Well, if they're not working, why are they in his bed?

Oh, Tim, you need to call Kieran's house and see if she's there.

I'm not doing that.

It's the only way you're going to know for sure.

-I'm not calling.

-I'm telling you...

No, I'm not going to call Kieran and say I don't know where Julie is.

-Do it. Do it.

-No. No.

-All right, I will.

-What reason could you possibly have

-for calling him?

-I want to make a movie about his life.

I want to make a documentary. I gain his confidence

and then he starts feeling more relaxed about talking to me.

He's really opening up to me.

We're talking about his sex life and then...

Julie's name pops up and we've got it on tape!

Yeah. He's been curated!

Well, that sounds like a bulletproof plan.

What's his number?

-1-1-1...1-1...

-Hold on.

OK. Go.

-1-1-1...

-Mm-hmm. Got that.

-..1-1...

-Mm-hmm.

-..1-1.

-OK.

RAPID BEEPING

He must've changed his number. I'm just getting a weird sound.

Uh... Oh, well. We tried.

There he is. Kieran Vollard. I got him.

Don't! Don't! BEEPING

-I'm serious. Don't call him.

-It's ringing.

Hang up the phone.

Hang up the phone!

I'm going to do an accent.

Don't do an accent. Hang up the phone.

'Hello?'

-BAD BRITISH ACCENT:

-Hello! How are you?

This is Nigel!

I'm a documentary film-maker

-from London, England.

-Hang up!

May I speak to Kieran Vollard, please?

'This is Kieran.'

Ah, Kieran.

I want to make a documentary about your life.

WOMAN GIGGLES

'Start the water, I'll be right in.

'Yeah, I could do an interview.'

Smashing! Champagne wishes and caviar dreams!

I will have my man-servant contact you with the details.

That sounded like Julie's laugh.

She might've been there!

-I'm going over there.

-No, Tim!

-Ow!

-You can't drive in this condition.

GRINDING NOISES Clutch!

Oh, God, use the clu...

You can't just shift. You need to use the clutch, Barry.

Oh, God.

OK, hold on. I'll get it.

No, no, no, no...

OK. I got it.

Oh...

She's gotta be in there.

Just need to get her attention.

HOOTS AND RATTLES KEYS

-Those were my car keys, weren't they?

-Uh-huh.

TIM GROANS

TIM MOANS Oh, God.

Here we go. Let's do this thing.

Barry! Barry, just...

Just get the keys and come back!

PHONE RINGS Barry!

HE MOUTHS

PHONE RINGS

I am inside the apartment.

I know. I want you out of the apartment.

Get the keys and let's get out of here!

Oh, Tim, I wish you could see this place! it's amazing!

I thought you had a great apartment...this...

this, my friend... Oh, my God!

He's friends with Morgan Freeman.

Please get the hell out of there.

He's coming!

KIERAN PLAYS BONGOS

HE GRUNTS

-Cat got the Tim mouse!

-Forget about the mouse! Come on!

Get the keys and get out of there!

Forget the mouse! HE BABBLES NONSENSE SOUNDS

CAT MEOWS

HE MIMICS MEOWING

-MEOWING VOICE:

-Thank you.

Hey, he's OK.

Hide! Hide!

Kieran, I'm ready.

J'arrive, ma cherie.

Barry!

Barry.

HE GASPS

Julie's here.

HE GROANS

-KIERAN:

-Oh, yes...

JUNGLE NOISES

Sounds like they're having intercourse.

JUNGLE BIRDS CAW

Oh, fantastic.

WOMAN MIMICS BIRD CAW

CAMERA CLICKS

I'm having trouble describing what I'm looking at.

Fly, fly...

Yes! Primordial...

Hello.

-Who are you?

-Um...

Monique, Christina, this is Tim.

He's a stockbroker, or something like that.

-Tim, can I help you?

-No, no, no. Sorry, I...

-BAD BRITISH ACCENT:

-I'm Nigel Nigel!

-I'm here doing a documentary!

-You can stop that now, Barry.

My name's not Barry! So, what have you done with Julie?

Tim...has Julie left you?

Oh, Tim. I was always very attracted to Julie and I still am.

You must be broken. She's a wonderful creature.

Stop...

I have to say, though, Tim, I'm not surprised.

Really?

There's not a lot of monogamy in the animal kingdom.

Not many animals mate for life. Penguins do.

I've spent a lot of time with penguins, and they're really cool.

And maybe you're a penguin, Tim, but Julie's not a penguin.

She's a lioness. Don't try to mate a lioness with a penguin.

Ever. Have you ever seen a mammal and a bird mate?

I've never even heard of that.

Is that right? You going to try and tame her?

Cos I don't think you're her type.

Maybe. But I have something.

Something that women respond to.

That's true. Julie and I have been saying that.

-Tim doesn't get it.

-He's right.

Listen to your friend.

Am I going to make love with Christina and Monique tonight?

Hell, yes! Guilty. You caught me out. Yeah.

But only because it's part of my process.

Your "process?"

There are two things in this world.

Wonderful, visceral, sexy sex...

and death.

Horrible, boring death.

Now, I'm going to go off and have some sex with these girls.

Before I die.

-Go ahead.

-If you guys want to join, that's cool.

But don't look at me in the eye. It puts me off.

-What?

-OK, you're not into it. That's cool.

Good to see ya, Tim. Thanks for visiting. Great to meet you.

I want to grow a beard.

I know you're set on a documentary, but hear me out...

Charlize Theron plays Julie. Kieran plays himself.

I don't know. It is something to think about.

Three, two, one...

CRACK! Ow!

-Oh, my God.

-Mm-hmm.

Oh, my God! How did you do that?

A human back and a rodent back are eerily similar.

-Thank you.

-You're welcome.

Now, go.

-What about dinner?

-It's tomorrow, Barry.

Tomorrow.

That's interesting.

You say you're over Darla and yet you have a picture of her in your apartment.

How does Julie feel about that?

That is Julie.

Hmm?

Barry, is that the woman you talked to in the hallway?

Hmm...

-HE MUTTERS

-Well...

She has the same face.

DOORBELL RINGS

I'll get the door.

Where's Tim?

-Oh, God.

-Well, well.

You blew it with Julie.

Just like you blew it with me.

Poor little Timmy.

-HE MOUTHS

-You missed your chance.

And you'll never have me again.

-Let's go.

-Oh! You're hurting me.

-I'm not. Oh, stop it.

-Please, stop hurting me.

-I'm not even touching you.

-Why do we keep doing this?

Huh? You know, some day, I'm really going to leave you.

Ugh...

All right, go, go! Get out of my house, right now!

Ow! Ah! Ow!

-You're very cruel, Tim.

-Oh!

-Hello.

-Who's your friend?

Barry, his name's Barry.

Want to watch while I screw Barry's brains out?

I can honestly say no to that one.

Oh, really?

So, do you guys want to get pizza?

Want to lick cheese off my naked body?

-PHONE RINGING

-Oh, I'm sure Tim has plates.

-Hello? JULIE:

-'Hey, who's Darla?

'I just met your friend earlier.

'He told me some pretty interesting things

-'about this woman.'

-What did he say?

'Oh, I don't know. He spoke about...'

Oh, wow, you're like a friendly dog.

-'..talked about sex...'

-What?

What exactly did he say?

'Can you just tell me? Are you cheating on me?

'It's not a difficult question to answer!

-'Hello? Are you cheating on me?'

-She put it in her pants.

'Tim! I don't know why it's so hard for you to answer..'

Julie! You're crazy to think that I'm cheating on you!

That's insane! Where are you? Where are you?

-Julie!

-Oh, I think I hung up.

You have no right! Ow!

No right? Huh? Barry, we're going to be a while.

-You're a crazy person.

-All right, I'll be here.

Hey, Tim? Tim?

-Tim?

-Oh, God...

Tim? Timmy Tim?

What do you say? Should we drive him crazy, huh?

OK!

I'm a naughty little schoolgirl!

You look a little old to be a schoolgirl.

I need to be punished!

Hey, Naomi, how you doing? It's Tim.

I'm wondering if you've heard from Julie.

Don't you want to be my schoolteacher?

I'm really not qualified. I work for the IRS.

-No, no, no...

-Not tonight.

-No, all the time. I work...

-OK, OK.

You work for the IRS and I have been very...

very bad.

Have you heard from Julie, by any chance?

-No?

-I need to be spanked! Now!

Well, that's really not the way it works.

You probably just have to pay the difference, plus interest.

OK, I...

-I need you to spank me real hard.

-I'm looking for Julie.

Spank me hard, Barry!

-Barry!

-Uh, no, no. That's the TV.

Ow!

Ow!

Oh, yeah! Oh, Barry!

Ooh, yeah! Oh, Barry!

Oh, Barry!

If she gets in touch with you, please tell her to call me.

It's an emergency.

You're like some crazy animal all over...

I want to be a penguin!

-I like to eat penguins.

-Hope you don't catch me.

Penguins are very slow.

Except I'm Turbo Penguin!

Come here. Come on.

-I'm going to catch you.

-You can't get me.

Did you hurt your knee?

Barry, that's funny, You are a bad little penguin.

Don't get me!

Come here!

Oh!

-Ooh...

-BARRY LAUGHS

Oh! Ooh...

-You're going to die.

-No, I'm not.

HE MIMICS PENGUIN QUACK

GLASS SHATTERS Oh, God.

-God!

-Uh-oh.

Barry?

Tim? Call me! OK?

This was so much fun! I love you!

For ever!

-And ever...

-DOOR CLOSES

Barry!

Barry.

Works every time.

If you are attacked, you should always play dead.

People don't want to punch something that's dead.

-It's instinctual.

-She's gone?

Yes, she is.

-Oh, my God.

-Yeah, we had a little bit of a ruckus.

Oh, my God!

-MESSAGE ALERT BEEPS

-That your phone?

Julie's.

Kieran.

Hey, listen, when you get up there,

let the horse into the pasture.

She loves to run around in the grass.

Grab a bottle of wine, make yourself a fire,

stay as long as you want. This is going to be good for you.

-She's going to his ranch.

-Oh, my God.

-That's code.

-What?

It's code, Tim. You should watch Law & Order.

Horse is heroin.

Grass...marijuana.

The horse likes to run around on the grass.

The heroin likes to run around on the marijuana.

Wine. Alcohol.

Like beer. Or wine.

Oh, man, they are planning one hell of a party.

It's going to be wild up there.

I think that you need to get out of my house in the next...30 seconds,

before I beat you to death with the chair that you're sitting in.

-What?

-You have to go. I want you to go.

Who's going to help you with Julie?

Who's going to help me with Julie? You didn't really just say that, did you?

Because of you, Julie thinks I'm having an affair

and she's on her way to Kieran's ranch! Whatever you do,

-don't help me with Julie!

-Whoa! Whoa!

We should go there and we should explain the whole mix-up.

I don't know where it is. It's unlisted! He goes there to disappear!

Please, please, I'm begging you! Go, leave, go!

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Tim.

Wait. Tim, Tim!

I work at the Canoga Processing Centre.

It's only the second-largest IRS processing centre on the West Coast.

And you're telling me this now because...?

If Kieran has a ranch, we can find the address from his tax return.

And if he's up there sleeping with Julie, that's not business-related.

He can't deduct that.

You can get me his tax returns?

No.

But I know somebody who can.

There it is. The mother ship.

-It looks deserted.

-No, no, no.

He's in there. My boss never sleeps.

Be careful around this guy.

-He can tell what you're thinking.

-What are you talking about?

Don't look him in the eye. Don't think any embarrassing thoughts.

Just keep your mind blank.

Therman? I'd like you to meet a friend of mine, Tim Conrad.

Uh... Hi.

I could use some help and Barry says you're just the man for the job.

Have a seat.

I did an audit on a Steven Conrad two years ago.

Any relation?

-Where does he live?

-Bayside State Prison.

-He's doing seven years.

-Oh.

Are you hiding something, Mr Conrad?

What is it that you do for a living?

Don't ask. He makes money.

Nobody knows where it comes from, though.

Shall we take a look at his return, Barry?

Mm.

Guys, I think we're getting a little off track here.

-I'm in a bit of a rush.

-That's him.

Gu... Bar... Guys, I don't have much time, so...

Mr Conrad...

..men lie to me a thousand times a day.

And my job...is to find the truth.

-Right, Barry?

-Mm.

I've studied the human mind.

I've learned how to read it and ultimately control it.

This is fascinating, I can't wait to read it.

It's 14.99 on my website,

-OK.

-Plus shipping and handling.

Even if I buy it here?

It's shipped from somewhere else, isn't it?

And I've been handling it.

Uh, could you just tell Therman why we're here?

We are looking for an address of a non-deductible vacation property.

You're looking for someone or some thing.

That's exactly right. Tim is looking for his girlfriend.

She ran off with an artist. They are probably sleeping together.

-Oh, God...

-Your girlfriend has left you.

-Tim, he can see right through you.

-You also just told him that.

Are you still sceptical, Mr Conrad?

Watch this. Barry...

What is he doing?

He's making me do something. What is he making me do?

You're not doing anything, Barry.

That's right, Barry. You're not doing anything.

I'm not doing anything.

I'm paralysed. Oh, God.

God can't hear you, Barry.

-Tim?

-Tim can't hear you, Barry.

-No, actually, I can hear him.

-Oh! My body's a prison.

Oh! This is so painful.

I can't move, Tim.

Tim, help me. Help me, Tim.

All right, you know what, Barry? Just move. You can do it. Just move.

HE GRUNTS

I release you.

Wow. OK, I will never take movement for granted ever again.

Well, I was wrong. Apparently, his brain really is your puppet.

I need an address.

-Can you help me, please?

-Perhaps. For a price.

-How much?

-I just need to hear Barry say,

"You can eat my pudding."

Uh-uh. No.

Barry, I can make you say it.

But with your own free will, say, "You can eat my pudding."

I'm not going to say it.

Barry, I'm going to eat it, anyway!

But I want you to say, "You can eat my pudding!"

Barry, I will give you a thousand dollars if you say it, right now.

A thousand dollars?

Barry, your friend is a high roller.

-You are hiding something.

-Wait a minute. No, wait...

Um, uh... Can we just stick to the issue at hand?

Oh...you almost had me.

But you cannot declare offshore investment losses

against future capital gains. Any child knows that.

I'll have to ask my accountant about that.

WHEEZING LAUGHTER

Uh...

WHEEZING LAUGHTER CONTINUES

LAUGHTER STOPS ABRUPTLY

Mr Conrad...

you, my friend, are being audited.

No, no, no. No, no.

Call the 800 number.

I release you.

Hey, Tim?

I guess you just have to remember what the wise man once said...

.."Everything happens for a reason."

-You know who said that?

-Shut up, Barry.

-You did. You're the wise man.

-Don't talk.

Don't say a word. Don't move your lips.

Oh, my God. It's Martha.

It's my ex-wife.

MARTHA GIGGLES

There's my magic man.

SHE GIGGLES

-Look at you.

-Get in the car, Pudding.

-OK.

ENGINE STARTS, MARTHA GIGGLES

I used to call her Pudding.

Look, why don't we just each go home, we'll get some sleep,

and I'll see you tomorrow at the dinner.

OK. Oh...

I think I left my bus pass at your apartment.

-I'll drive you home.

-OK.

Oh! I left my keys at your apartment, too.

That's OK. You know what? I'll just sleep here. I have a cubicle.

-I can pull two chairs together.

-It's all right.

-Get in the car.

-I can fashion them into a bed.

They... Well, they sort of roll apart in the middle, so...

-Barry, Barry...

-..you sag.

-You can stay with me.

-Don't worry about me.

-I insist.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-I won't cramp your style?

-It's already cramped.

-OK.

Wow.

-What are you doing?

-You're going to propose to her?

I have, a few times.

-Why do you carry this around?

-In case she changes her mind.

-Please don't go through my pockets.

-OK.

Hey, Tim?

The first night alone is always the hardest.

I can sleep in there with you if you want.

No, thank you.

Hey, just don't think about the fact you can't sleep.

Because then you're sunk. Then you just start thinking, "Wow, what's going on?"

Your mind starts reeling.

"Where's Julie? Oh, she's with Kieran."

"Is he a better lover than I am? Yes, he is."

Don't think about that.

Get those thoughts out of your head.

-Why are you putting on aftershave?

-Oh, force of habit.

When I was married, I used to stay up late working on my mice,

and Martha hated the smell of formaldehyde.

You can smell them both, Barry.

Two layers of bad smell.

That's exactly what Martha used to say.

Goodnight.

-WHISPERS:

-Tim?

-Tim?

-What, Barry?

I can't sleep. I'm too excited about dinner.

-Oh, God!

-What are you going to wear?

Should I rent a tux? Or is that too formal?

Here's the thing -

It's always better to be overdressed than under dressed, right?

BARRY LAUGHS

Thanks, Tim! That's great!

-YELLS:

-Oh, he ate it! He's eating paper!

No...

LOUD LAUGHTER CONTINUES

CLOCK TICKS LOUDLY

I'll be back in a few hours.

Don't play with the stove.

Don't do anything with electricity.

Do you understand?

Sometimes I think you think I'm an idiot.

Just stay in the chair. Promise me.

I will. I will stay in the chair. Why is this brunch so important?

Because the future of my career depends on it.

It's a very important potential client.

I can help.

You want to help me? Stay in the chair.

OK.

I'll pick you up for dinner. All right?

-You going to stay in that chair?

-Yes.

That's it.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

'You got everything you need for brunch?'

-Uh-huh.

-OK, you got me working Saturday,

so I'm billing you overtime for this.

You're going to Madison Restaurant, 10am.

Don't be late. They're Swiss.

'And make sure Julie's there.

-'They're dying to meet her.'

-OK, Julie'll be there.

Tim?

Tim!

Tim?

Tim? Tim!

Tim!

Hi, Tim? We switched phones.

I need to talk to you. Julie has to go to that brunch! OK.

Oh!

Hi, Tim, me again. I just realised you can't get my messages.

My password is P-A-S-S-W-O-R-D.

OK.

Oh, God!

You can't get that message, either! Why am I...?!

-This way, sir.

-Thank you.

We feared that some disaster had befallen you.

-I'm so sorry I'm late.

-And where is...?

Julie sends her regrets. She dropped a box on her foot

and broke a distal phalange.

Please wish her a swift recovery.

I had hoped for another woman to lend some poetry.

I understood from my husband

I would not have to suffer another business conversation.

What was it Baudelaire said?

"Misunderstanding makes the world go round."

I see we will have poetry after all.

It is rare to find an American businessman with a sense of culture.

Mm.

RINGTONE PLAYS: "Escape" by Rupert Holmes

Tim! It's me again! Barry! Disregard all previous messages!

I figured it out! Help is on the way! Bye!

Obviously, many of the strategies are complex.

-I imagine you have several questions.

-I am a simple man, Mr Conrad.

My father left me with very little, except for all of his money.

The world is full of people who want to separate me from it.

Why should I trust you with 100 million?

A very fair question.

Now, you're obviously very civilised people.

But unfortunately, the world of finance is a brutal place.

The good hunters win. The bad hunters lose.

I am a very good hunter.

You are refreshingly honest, Mr Conrad.

I try to be. I hope we can do business together.

A call for you, sir.

I'm so sorry. Excuse me. Hello?

'I got your back, Tim. Can you hear me?'

-Hello?

-'Hello!'

-Hello? Hello? Hello?

-Hello. Hello.

Hello. My name is Tim's brother, Barry, and this is Julie.

Tim, look. I brought Julie.

Hi, my love. Oh, I have missed you so.

Um, you...

You know... Your phalange. You shouldn't be here.

Nonsense, She is the picture of health.

Please, sit. Sit. Sit.

Thank you.

-Birgit Mueller.

-Such a pleasure.

-Martin Mueller, delighted.

-Such a pleasure.

And I am Barry. Delightful.

I am so pleased you could join us. I always say you do not know a man

until you meet his partner in love.

I couldn't agree more. I would love to go over some of these main points.

-YELLS:

-Where are you from?!

-We are from Switzerland.

-We're going to focus on business.

-Switzerland! I love Switzerland.

It is one of my favourite countries.

I love your army knives, with the toothpicks.

And your cheese. Does the cheese come out of the cow with the holes?

Our countries are not enemies. They are friends.

-We are friends.

-You have been to Switzerland?

No, but I have a friend who drives a Volvo.

And I speak a little of your language.

HE SPEAKS GIBBERISH

That's my brother. Always joking.

Oh! It's a jokey joke, ja?

Uh, you know, we should, uh, continue this conversation back in my office.

But I have not received my salmon.

Or my green salad.

So...

do you and Julie have wedding bells in your future?

That's kind of a sore topic. He keeps asking her, but she keeps saying no.

Ask me again.

No, it's not the right time.

If a woman asks you to propose, it is the right time.

Really, I can't.

-Why not?

-Do it. Do it!

-I don't have a ring.

-Yeah, you do.

-No, I don't.

-Yeah, you do, it's in your pocket.

-Come on, you know you have it.

-Barry...

-Told ya.

-Ah.

You are a hunter, Mr Conrad.

There is nothing more honourable than for a man

to join himself to his lady love.

Join yourself to her, in the name of love.

-MIMICS ACCENT:

-Join yourself in the name of love.

You must kneel, Mr Conrad. She is a princess.

Thank you.

GLASS RINGS

Something's happening!

-Julie...

-Call me Darla.

-Oh, I don't want to call you Darla.

-Julie's just a nickname.

-I want it to be real.

-Look into her eyes.

Look, look.

There is your home. There is your future.

I love you, Tim.

Do it, do it, do it.

Do it...!

-Julie.

-Darla.

Darla. Will you marry me?

-Yes. Yes!

-Yay.

APPLAUSE We did it.

-Julie.

-But I thought this was Julie.

-Nope. I'm Julie.

-They are both Julie.

Julie and Julie.

Susana thought you were going to lose your promotion

if I didn't show up today.

Look at you. You had a... replacement all lined up.

-DARLA:

-Yeah.

-No, no, no.

-This is a huge misunderstanding.

-Let me explain.

This is Darla. She's a naughty schoolgirl who cheats on her taxes.

I didn't know whether you were going to come today,

so I brought Darla to keep things running smoothly.

Very important potential client.

That clears that up. Yeah. Thank you.

Darling, you're embarrassing yourself. It's over.

She's really quite a catch, Tim. Congratulations.

-No! Julie...

-Nice to have met you.

-He's very crafty.

-Julie! Julie!

I'm so sorry. I hope we can continue this at a later date,

-but, actually, I love her. DARLA:

-Wait, Tim?

-Julie!

-Tim?

Julie! Julie, look...

Wait, wait. I know that looked awkward, but you've got to trust me.

-Trust you?

-Yes. I trust you.

I know you spent the night at Kieran's ranch. I know nothing happened.

Right?

I didn't go to Kieran's ranch last night.

-I'm going now.

-No! Don't go! Don't go!

Tim, I have to go. It's my job.

We're going to San Francisco this weekend to set up for the show.

He wants me to be part of his artistic process.

His artistic process... That means sex, Julie.

He told me last night when I broke into his house!

-You broke into his house?

-Hmm?

My God. I guess there really is a you I don't know.

It's too bad. I was so in love with the other one.