Never a Dull Moment

CROWD GROANS

'Next contestant, Chris Hayward.'

APPLAUSE

My word! Spectacular, isn't it?

'Coming out now, Slim Williams!'

CHEERING

It's pretty silly, wrestling with cows.

-They should wrestle men.

-Dangerous!

-What purpose can it possibly serve?

-That's how they get those pounded steaks!

-You don't say!

Ladies and gentlemen, before the next event,

I'd like to introduce the lady responsible for this benefit, Miss Kay Kingsley!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

For anyone who's been locked up in a dark closet for the last ten years,

Miss Kingsley's written many songs, some of the top Broadway musicals.

She's asked me to remind you that I collaborated with her, so I will.

I don't need reminding. She's everything any man could hope for as a partner or anything else.

While the collection boxes are being passed, Kay will sing one of our latest songs.

WHISTLING AND APPLAUSE

First, I want to thank all the cowboys who came over here

from Madison Square Gardens to put on this terrific show.

Let's give them a real big hand!

APPLAUSE

Next thing you know, these rodeos will be holding knitting contests!

# Once

# You find your guy

# You know the words to all the love songs are true

# And once you find your guy

# It wouldn't matter if the Earth split in two

# Those lonely days you dreaded

# Will vanish from your sight

# The future

# That will die

# Looks bright

# So once you find your guy

# The one and only who is right from the start

# Don't wait till it's too late

# But let him know that he is first in your heart... #

Man, there's a girl I could really go for.

-You could?! Let's go over! Maybe she's got a friend.

-Shhh!

# ..passing by

# Life starts

# The day you find

# Your guy. #

APPLAUSE

-I'm telling you, Orvie, there's a woman.

-Why don't you tell her?!

You mean... Nah! Sure would like to meet her though.

Don't sit perched there like a barn owl - go and introduce yourself!

-That's what I do.

-But she's a city woman.

I've done it with a city woman!

Ellie May, my second wife, right on the main street!

-Happiest three months of my life.

-This girl's no ranch woman.

Ranch woman, city woman - put them in a Mother Hubbard on the long end of a churn and they're all alike!

'..report to the steward.'

She looks stout and healthy.

She'd make you a fine wife and take mighty good care of your kids too.

-You want me to go on over there and tell her?

-No, I don't!

But Chris, you do need a wife!

Uh-ha!

'Will all bucking horse riders please report in.'

Howdy, ma'am.

Howdy! What can I do for you?

It's me that's doing the doing, miss. I got a deal for you.

-Really? What is it?

-I know a fella that thinks you're pretty salty.

Well! That's mighty sweet of him. Anybody I know?

No, but it's somebody you want to know.

Tell him thanks a million and I think he's salted too.

-You tethered?

-What?

Tethered! Hitched! Married!

-No.

-Good! He wants a woman and it's time you was looking for a man.

-Well...

-She sure is looking for a man partner!

Good! He ain't the kind of cow hand that cottons up any old girl.

You're the first one he's admired since he buried Martha.

-I'm very flattered.

-You ought to be!

He's a good catch and the best cow hand you'll ever see.

-Sure she wants to meet him - bring the critter on!

-Now...

-It's a deal!

'Next contestant, Chris Hayward!'

Turn him out of here!

CHEERING

That's him, ma'am!

-I wish he'd hold still so we can see his face.

-You will, when he lands.

'Next rider, Reg Pickett on Fireball!'

CROWD BOOS

-Put me down!

-Here he is - number seven.

-He's a natural.

-Nice ride.

-Thank you. Set me down, you knot-head!

-Why does the horse jump?

-You'd jump if you had a rope round your belly!

This is him. Miss Kingsley, meet Chris Hayward.

-Glad to know you.

-How about you girls joining us at Shortie's later?

Chris'll get in the hamburgers!

-They wouldn't like it.

-Shortie puts more in his sandwiches than anyone!

-That's wonderful but...

-Why don't you bring number seven up to ours - you'd be delighted,

wouldn't you, Kay?

That would be nice...sometime.

It's 54 Central Park West. Make it soon!

Maybe sooner than you think!

Oh!

-I'm awfully sorry, ma'am.

-It's all right.

DOG GROWLS

HE KNOCKS ON THE DOOR

DOG WHIMPERS

HE RATATAT-TATS ON THE DOOR

DOG BARKS EXCITEDLY

WEDDING MARCH PLAYS

-I just can't believe it.

-Me neither.

I feel the same way I did when I tamed my first steer.

My love, you do turn a neat comparison!

-I mean excited and proud and kind of hollow inside - you know?

-Sure.

I felt the same way when I tamed MY first steer.

You sure I didn't sell you a bill of goods?

Bet your life you didn't, number seven.

Didn't you say, "Get your hair in a braid, we're hitching." How can a girl argue?

Specially from a spectacular mug in a red shirt.

I hope it wasn't that rodeo stuff that took you in.

That was just to get money to build up the ranch.

I guess I forgot I was just a cow hand with a couple of kids to raise.

-Are you trying to talk me out of it?

-No! Just don't be disappointed.

I haven't been so far.

-The scenery's wonderful.

-That's a fact.

-And there's nothing wrong with the children?

-They're the finest pair of little fillies you've ever seen.

DOG WHIMPERS

Chris? Porgy.

-Again?

-Uh-huh.

Porgy's never seen this many trees before.

Might as well take a stretch myself.

What a girl wants most...

BARKING

..she wants to be necessary - not just to any guy, but the right guy!

He's got to need her to sew on his buttons and get him out of those Monday morning glooms.

Not that I'm an old hand at such chores, but this is it, Chris. I couldn't be surer.

You won't need a pony, running like this on your own!

-You haven't heard a word I said!

-I didn't?

I don't know if you're just plain wacky and I'm just plain lucky...

Vice versa.

BARKING

DUCKS QUACK NOISILY

# I'm up in the morning before daylight

# Before I sleep, the moon shines bright

# Come a ti-yi-yippee yippee-aye yippee-aye

# Come a ti-yi-yippee yippee-aye yippee-aye... #

-Hey, see that barn over there?

-Yes.

Belongs to Todd Johnson. We're almost home.

-How far?

-Just a little way now.

Good.

-Hey, you're not going chicken, are you?

-Who, me? I can hardly wait.

ENGINE CLATTERS

What's the matter now?

-Do you hear that clanking?

-Isn't it the ducks?

No, ducks quack. It's a bearing.

-Oh. What do they do?

-They clank!

-I knew we should have brought Orvie.

-We'd have had such fun.

-He can fix anything!

Not only can, but did!

-Do you know how to drive a car?

-A car, yes.

Move over, boy.

-Chris!

-Yeah?

Do you think your kids will catch on that I'm as country-wise as a Park Avenue pigeon?

-Will they hate me for it?

-Don't let them scare you. They're good kids.

DUCKS QUACK FRANTICALLY

Set the brake till I close the gate.

Never mind - I'll get it!

Think you can handle it?

Think you're married to a helpless female? If I can't...

-Oh.

-Well?

You think you've got me, huh?

Very clever.

Wise guy!

MOOING

-So you got back, did you?

-Howdy, Mr Mears.

-We'd have been earlier but we broke down.

-Thought maybe you took up ranching in New York. What's that?

That's my wife! This is Mr Mears. He owns the place across the street.

-I didn't mean her.

-..Oh, I'm so relieved,

I can't tell you, Mr...Smears.

-Mears.

-I heard you.

I meant that there animal. What's it for?

-It's a dog!

-I figured that, but what's the fool thing for?

-Porgy, bite the nice man.

-Kay...

-What's your bull got that he hasn't got?

-That's one of the top bulls. Right, Mr Mears?

-Horns!

-Huh?

-That's what he's got that he ain't.

-Is that something to be proud of?

-I can see who's wearing the pants around here!

-You're pretty sharp...

-Mr Mears, did he make champion at the Barnsville Fair?

-No, he didn't.

-Got cheated. Darn judge gave it to Todd Johnson's bull again.

-Really?

-That's too bad, Mr Mears.

-..Dog!

Bull! ..I hope we don't see much of him.

-I hope we do! Be more careful how you talk to him.

-That old goat? Why?

-We can't take a bath without him.

-Now, just a minute!

-We depend on him for our water.

-Oh! Well, that's different.

Move over, Porgy.

This is it, Buckshot! We're home! What do you think, honey?

Why, Chris! It's lovely.

The way you underplayed it...well, I don't know what I expected.

-It'll look better when we get it fixed up.

-Why, I wouldn't change a thing!

Cougar Rock, here we come!

Where are you going?

-Isn't this it?

-No! No, it's over there.

Well, let's go!

Come on, Porgy.

-Well?

-Well, what?

Disappointed?

-Chris! You're going to live in it, aren't you?

-Sure!

Then it looks like a hunk of heaven to me!

What makes you think I've got a mind of my own any more anyway?

Someday, I'll build a layout as good as Mears'.

-Would you like a partner, partner?

-Would I!

MOOING

Hey! Come like that all the way from New York?

-Orvie!

-We broke down by Todd's place.

-I didn't mean that!

-I seen you smooching with the

-missus... Yes, Orvie, we got it!

-Come on, give me a hand!

-Sure.

Broke down? You should've took me with you.

-We needed another horse.

-You know I can't diet!

-Where are the kids?

-In school. How was the honeymoon?

-Orvie, will you get me this one?

-Hi, Albert.

How are things going?

-Fine.

-Meet the new missus. Albert helped out while I was gone.

-Hello.

-You won't be needing me any more.

-I've got a good hand now.

-Good luck.

PORGY WHIMPERS You'll need it!

DOGS BARK

THEY RUN OFF CRYING

-Well, what do you know?!

-Well, Porgy. See what they think of you around here?

-Boss!

-Hi, Poci!

-Ha-ha! How's the glamour girl?

-You look fine, boss.

-Woman good!

-You ain't fooling.

-What's that?

-That's a dog.

-Me know, but what for?

-Here we go again!

-Honey, this is Pocahontas Webfoot.

-How do you do?

-Call her Poci.

-You got the house cleaned up?

-Everything's spickum spankum.

-She's a character.

-Man, can she cook!

-I can't wait!

Hi! Hi! Hi, Daddy!

-Daddy!

-Hiya, sprouts!

Oh, hi, Daddy!

-Glad to see you!

-I'm glad to see you too!

-We saw you from Paddock Creek!

-We burned our breeches getting back!

-I didn't miss you any either!

-Looks like we girls see eye to eye.

-Oh.

-Daddy, is that her?

That's her - wicked stepmother just arrived on a broom!

Meet your ready-made family - Christina and Nancy -

-Tina and Nan.

-Hello.

Three females and not one gabby one!

-Look, a dog with muffs!

-They're cuffs. Porgy's a boy.

-Kay's a laugh a minute!

-I've brought you something from New York.

They'd love to see it and you can show Kay the house too. Run along.

Go ahead!

-This is the kitchen.

-We eat here.

-It's nice.

Down this way.

-This here's the parlour, ma'am.

-We don't use it much.

-Looks comfortable.

-We like it.

-That Poci's been eating breakfast in here again!

-You tell her to quit it!

I will, don't worry! This way, ma'am.

-CURTAIN DROPS Don't worry.

-It always happens.

It does?

-That's the bathroom.

-This is our room.

This is Daddy's room.

Why, it's very nice.

Oh! Goodness!

-We should have told you about that.

-Orvie's going to fix it.

I think he'd better fix it! My goodness!

That can be dangerous. Has that always been like that?

Here's your presents. I put them on top so I'd have them as soon as I got here.

Now, let's see. This is for you.

-Thank you, ma'am.

-And this is for you.

-Thank you, ma'am.

-Careful.

Aren't you going to open them?

Do you mind if we talk to you first, ma'am?

Do I mind? That's just what I've been wanting!

Sit down and fire away.

-There's some things we'd like to ask you.

-If you're taking Mommy's place.

Well, I'd appreciate any suggestions.

-Can you make coffee?

-Well, I think so!

-Mother always made Daddy a coffee in the morning.

-Think you can do it?

-I'll try.

-She made flapjacks on Sundays. Think you can?

Flapjacks? My speciality!

What else?

If he got out the wrong side of bed, she made him get out the right side.

-I'll make him get out the right side the first time.

-Sometimes that's a chore, ma'am.

Is there anything else?

About all I can think of.

-I don't.

-I do.

-Well, I don't!

-I do!

-I don't care what you say, I don't.

-I do.

-Wait a minute.

Maybe I could help you settle. What is it?

Well...I think you're prettier than Jean.

-Jean?

-Jean Morrow. She looks after us when Daddy's away.

-Oh.

I guess Daddy just likes you better.

-Oh!

-A watch! Just what I've been...

-Just what I've been wanting.

-Me too!

-Thank you, ma'am.

-Thanks a lot, ma'am.

-Girls?

If you tried real hard, might you find something else to call me?

Maybe.

-What time have you got, Nan?

-9.15.

-Me too!

-Daddy, these watches are wonderful. They both say the same time!

-They ought to!

-Gee, that's super.

-Yeah.

We were lucky to find someone like Kay, weren't we?

She's just what we need, isn't she?

Well...she's pretty and she seems nice.

-We only just met her.

-I think you'll find she's wonderful.

-I sure like my watch.

But you've only known her a week or so.

If you really want to know about something, you can find out a lot in a mighty short time.

You married her so quick - just like that!

-I fell in love like that.

-You went with Mother for three years.

It took three whole years to get up the gumption to ask her to marry me.

-How come you asked Kay so quick?

-I had a hand from Orvie.

-He always butts in on things.

Nan, listen to me, honey.

I know it's a lot to expect Kay to take Mother's place.

If you give her a chance, I think you'll become close. How 'bout it?

Oh, Daddy!

OK, kids. Come on, climb in the sack.

-There. Good night, pumpkins.

-Night, Daddy.

-Jeepers! They even tell the time in the dark.

-Mine does too!

What a day.

Kind of rough, huh?

What time do we get up around here?

You must be tired. Why don't you sleep in? Get up at six.

What time did you say?

-6.15.

-You!

THEY SHOUT AND BANG ON INSTRUMENTS

-You know, I've a hunch we're in for a chivaree.

-Chiva-what?

Get into something special, you're entertaining!

Oh, no!

THEY ALL SHOUT AT ONCE

Hey, Kay! Get out of the hay!

Ha-ha! I just said, "Hey, Kay, get out of the hay!"

Hi, Jean! Glad you joined the chivaree!

-Joined it? I organised it!

-You did? Come and meet her! Kay!

-Oh!

-Come out of there, honey. I want you to meet Jean Morrow.

-Jean, this is Kay.

-Glad to meet you, Jean.

-I'm so happy for you.

-How's this for picking them?

-Congratulations!

Here, you big lug. Take that and put it in the kitchen. Can I help you?

-I think I've got it on wrong.

-Dear!

-Such a pretty dress.

-It looks better if I get it on right!

Let's get the party started!

-Hey, I want to talk to you!

-Hiya Todd, how are you doing?

-Will you take that?

-Daddy! Can we stay up?

-Please?

-For a while!

-Yippee!

-My heart sure bleeds for the poor bride.

-Thank you!

Oh! Honey, this is Todd Johnson. He owns the bull that beat old Mears'!

-I do it every year.

-Bully for you!

Well, folks, here she is! Meet the bride.

THEY ALL TALK AT ONCE

-Gee, Chris! Want to cut in?

-No, later!

Out of the way, Todd!

-How am I doing, Daddy?

-Fine! Wait till I get rid of this.

-OK!

-I warn you, Jean, I'm going to lean on you for advice.

-You'll do OK.

You have the right insides. You have to to give up a career like yours.

-I just swapped it for something I wanted more.

-Good girl.

Good girl, yourself! You were a sweetheart to take care of the kids.

Did he tell you how he took care of our ranch while my Steve was ill?

No, he didn't, but then, he wouldn't.

No, he wouldn't.

-Hey, you two! Break it up in there!

-Coming!

-You asked for refreshments.

-Just to get rid of you!

-Never!

-Did she shake out any skeletons?

-Not a single bone, darn it!

-Hey, Kay, come here!

-Coming!

-Chris' wife is just as nice as she can be!

-But...

I've said it before but men are the biggest fools in creation.

-Jean would have made him a lovely wife.

-She's been a real help to him.

Poor Jean. Losing Steve and losing Chris, now.

I hope she don't go into a decline like Amy did when Frank ran off with that carnival girl.

# The man with the big felt hat

# The man with the big felt hat

# At 7am, he gets out of bed

# He's milked old Bess and watered old Red

# By 7.00pm, he's back in bed

# The man with the big felt hat

# The man with the big felt hat

# Oh, the man with the big felt hat

# Around the ranch he's kind of slow

# Looks like any other Joe

# But you want to see him at the rodeo

# The man with the big felt hat

-Who?

-# The man with the big felt hat #

-Who else?

-# The man with the big felt hat

# He always makes you proud

# Anywhere in any crowd

# From what I hear he rates...

# Best darn date in 48 states

# The man in the big felt hat

# Oh, the man with the big felt hat

# Your only competition here

# Is a cougar track that's fresh and clear

# He'll get that cat if it takes a year

-# The man in the big felt hat

-The man with the big felt hat. #

Make a big circle! Hit it, boys!

# All join hands, circle south

# Halfway round, turn right back

# Single file, Indian style

# Everybody break and swing

# Face the centre of the ring

# Clap your hands, clap your knees whoopsadaisy, if you please

# Swing your partner round and round

# Indian going down the track Swing them round and come right back... #

-Uh-oh!

-What's the matter?

-Look at the window.

-If it isn't old Smearsy! Why doesn't he come in?

-He wasn't invited. Probably come to complain.

-Are we keeping Redboy up?

-He's probably got him with him!

-Go and ask him in!

No! I'm having fun. Woohoo!

Him and his water! Let him stay there.

-What's all this talk about water?

-He doesn't let us have enough.

-Make him give you more.

-He won't, not at any price.

-He hates money?

-No, people.

-Ah.

# Clap your hands, clap your knees... #

I'm going out there.

Kay! Wait a minute!

Mr Mears! I didn't know you were out here.

-Evening.

-I needed a breath of air. How's Redboy?

-Hope he's all right with all this ruckus going on.

-Come and join in!

I didn't come to raise Ned, I came because the noise kept me awake.

-Why don't you come in and have a good time?

-I wasn't asked so I ain't going!

-I'm asking you!

-Todd Johnson's in there.

-He hasn't brought his bull. Stay close to me.

Hold it, everybody!

In the excitement, no-one invited Mr Mears, so I went and got him.

Glad you came over! Can I get you a drink?

-We're going to dance.

-I don't dance.

-Of course you do!

# I'll swing your girl you swing mine

# I'll swing my own any old time Oh, golly, ain't that fine

# Everybody make a ring

# Clap your hands, slap your knees

# Boomps-a-daisy if you please

# Swing that corner girl around... #

LAUGHTER

Make a fool of me, will you? I'll show you!

-I'm terribly sorry.

-Why did you make him dance?

-I was just trying to be helpful.

-That's all right, Buckshot.

He sure looked silly!

Come on with the music!

# The man with the big felt hat, oh

# The man with the big felt hat

# Engine going down the track

# Turn around and come right back

# Clap your hands, clap your knees

# Boomps-a-daisy, if you please. #

Some shindig, Buckshot!

-Only trouble is it broke up too early!

-Oh...! Ow...! Stop it!

# Oh, engine going down the track

# Turn around and come right back... #

BANG

-Ah!

-Will you look at that!

He's the one who ought to get an early start!

-What do you expect from a guy on his honeymoon?

-Going to lay there all day?

-Look what time it is!

-I forgot to set the alarm.

-Get your pants on!

-I tell you, I don't feel so good. Why don't...

-Oh, no!

-Morning, Kay.

-Hi, Kay. Swell party last night!

-We're going on a cougar hunt - I forgot to tell you.

-That's dandy!

-Have fun!

-We oughta be home before dark.

-Sure!

-Look out...!

-Oh, excuse me.

-It's all right.

-Move up a little.

-I will.

How you got this thing figured out?

-I reckon the canyon is our best bet.

-Henderson claims that's where he's lying up...

Darn it.

-How do you like it?

-Boys!

-Fix it, fellas.

Don't get up, Kay. We'll fix it in a jiffy.

-Ah!

-You know you oughta get this fixed.

-Or sleep on the floor.

-I'll speak to him about it.

-I saw his tracks - sure is a big one!

-Who?

Killed one of Jim's cows yesterday so he can't have moved out yet.

We gotta get him before he gets our stock. Ow!

Hi, Porg!

What's that?

Dog!

ALL: What's he for?

Porgy is an electrician. He fixes radios, fuses and wiring.

-He's a very handy dog to have around.

-An electrician?

-Yes.

Kay, you're a card!

A lifelong ambition!

Gee!

-Say, what kind of a mutt is that?

-A mutt?

Are you referring to Charlemaine Chaufleure de la Fontaine Lombria?

No kidding!

-OK, fellas, I'm all set.

-So long, Kay.

-So long. Nice seeing you.

An electrician!

-Goodbye.

-Bye.

-Go back to sleep.

-Oh, no, I'm getting up.

-It's early.

-I like to get up early.

-Hey!

-OK.

-Goodbye, honey.

-Goodbye. Happy hunting.

-Back soon as I can.

-OK!

Guess you're right, Tina. She is prettier than Jean and lots of fun.

-She smells awful good.

-They are beautiful watches.

But is she going to be handy round the ranch? That's what Daddy needs most.

Won't take long to find that out.

Yeah!

BOTH: Kay!

Oh!

-Did we wake you up?

-Me? Little old bright eyes?

-You've got chores to do.

-Chores?

-Yes, chores.

-Oh, chores!

-Meet you in the barn.

-OK.

-It's late! Almost five o'clock!

Five... Oh! And I had to give them watches!

-Hey, Kay?

-What?

-We won't ever finish unless you throw more hay than that!

SHE SCREAMS

Gosh, Kay! We didn't mean for you to bring it down!

I like short cuts.

Oh-oh!

Oh!

COWS MOO

-Put your leg right up there.

-Grab hold up there.

-I know.

-That's it.

-One, two, three... Go!

-Oh!

-Swing the other leg over.

-That's it.

Oh... Whoa!

Now we'll show you how to bring in the cows. Come on!

Don't go too fast...

You girls go on ahead. I'll follow.

Ooh!

COWS MOO

Hey, Kay! Wait a minute! Wait for us, Kay!

Whoa...! Whoa...!

-Don't go so fast!

-We can't keep up!

Oh...! Oh...!

-Pull back!

-Whoa...!

-Hang to the left, Kay!

-No, turn it to the right!

Don't you know how to jump fences?

I made it, didn't I? It's that fool horse that doesn't know how! Ooh!

-Oh, no!

-Stink them plenty good!

You...!

You...! Give me that!

Get out that dress!

-You no like 'em?

-No, I no like it!

-Get out of it in a hurry too!

-All right.

-You get out of my room.

-Me go.

Get your things and get out of this house too!

-Wait a minute... You take off my slippers!

-Don't fit anyway!

-Don't you ever come back!

-All right. Me go!

-Don't you ever come back!

Oh!

What are you so happy about?

-Kay?

-Can we come in?

Oh, yes, darlings!

Come in, darlings.

-Here.

-It's for you.

-Wh...

-It belonged to our real mother. She was awful brave too.

Take it!

-I can't.

-Why not?

-Don't you like it?

Oh, my lambs!

It's beautiful but I can't take it - not for being brave.

I was scared every minute and you know it.

-Sure we do.

-Daddy says when you're scared to do something and you do it anyway,

-then that's really brave.

-Yeah, take it.

-We want you to.

May I say, fellow club members,

this is the proudest moment of my life.

Kay!

Oh! Ooh! My back!

-It's...

-Buckshot, where are you? Still in bed?

-That cougar is bigger than a young heifer.

-Let's see!

-On the porch.

I brought the boys home for supper.

Couldn't I meet them with my clothes ON?

-Tell Poci to get cooking. We're hungry enough to eat that cougar with her fur on!

-OK. Oh, but...

Poci's... Oh...!

-Shot him right there.

-Daddy, he isn't such a big one!

-Is that so?

-He was tough - it took two shots to get him.

-Two shots!

-You're slipping!

-You kids get your chores done?

-Not exactly.

-Well, you better get at it.

Chris!

Oh!

Oh...! Oh, Chris!

Oh!

What's the matter, Buckshot?

Why are you crying, baby?

-I can't...

-You can't what?

I can't cook a cougar!

You can't...

-It's not funny.

-Can't you cook a cougar?

-I don't think it's funny.

It's not nice for you to laugh.

I've got to have someone to help.

You wouldn't want us to murder each other!

Next time you catch a cook bathing in your perfume, don't fire her!

Servants aren't scarce. There just aren't any!

Julia Craddock may know of someone, Kay!

Where is Julia? She must be ill not to get to the phone.

I had to baste my chicken.

-There's a fella used to cook for...

-Kay wouldn't have him! He's been in jail!

I heard a girl in Barnesville wanted to hire out but she just had an operation.

She did? Tell me all about it. Was it bad?

You should've seen the stones.

You don't say!

'What doctor did she have?'

Come on! Put some beef into it!

How can I when Kay cooks nothing but lumpy farina?

-She'll learn.

-In the meantime, I'll starve.

-The ice cream puss!

-What does he want?

-That ice cream sure melted fast on his hot neck.

-Yeah.

Howdy, Mr Mears! I was just saying that ice cream sure melted fast... What?

-Want to sell your place, Hayward?

-What gave you that idea?

-Oh, just thinking!

-You might as well quit thinking. It's not for sale.

-Maybe?

-No maybe.

Maybe!

-Hm!

-You can say that again, partner!

Come on. Let's take it round the corner. Here, you staple it.

Wait till I get it stretched!

SCREAMS

Come on!

-The stove's on fire.

-It's just that damper again.

It closes up by itself every once in a while.

-Just give it a couple of whacks.

-Oh.

-It's drawing better already.

Help! Help!

Now what's the matter?

What are you doing there?

Chris...!

-It's easy! Just like playing golf - head down and eye on the bucket.

-Yes.

COW MOOS

Sorry, Daisy. I forgot to get a manicure.

She's empty. You can let go now.

-Gosh...

-You're a veteran.

Yeah, but of which war?

Here.

-What was my timing on that bucket?

-Well, you filled it.

-Thanks to you.

Oh, Jean, there's so much to learn.

-Bronco busting, butchering and water divining...

-Wait a minute!

Well, am I a rancher's wife or not? Chris needs a fair hand -

-not some wife who's going to sit by the fireside...

-Chris needs YOU.

Every time I get bogged down, you come along with a well-timed remark.

-Chris was a fool not to marry you.

-A guy has to be in love with a gal.

Ah, why haven't you put poison in my soup?

Don't think I wasn't tempted till I'd known you about five minutes.

Let's see you cut out your horse. Nice big loop...! Open!

Take it easy!

HORSES WHINNY

Good girl! Right on the nose!

Hey!

What happened?

-You forgot one small detail - to let go of the rope!

-Oh, no!

Pot roast.

Fish, soup...

Once you find your guy!

Who would have thought four months around here would do that to you?

Or me either?

DOG BARKS

What do you want?

What do you want?

No...

Nobody can say there's a caste system on this ranch anyway.

I hope you can support them.

Oh, my biscuits!

What did I do wrong?

This book can't be right!

Oh...! Oh...!

Oh, my wash!

Dandy!

What a place! Dust and dirt and heat!

Oh!

Oh, no, you don't!

Ooh!

No!

BANGING

Close the door!

-Jed...!

-Yes!

-Give me a hand!

Here, help me... Oh, grab that window!

-Can't you even say hello?

-Don't tell me you got blown here from New York?

-That's right now grab this one.

-I hope the roof is nailed on tight.

-Ow!

-Oh... Oh, I'm sorry.

Baby, you look like a bad review come to life.

Oh... Oh, Jed!

Oh, I am glad to see you.

Well! The guy who thought he'd get scalped if he travelled west of Times Square!

-All is forgiven?

-That's what you think!

-Don't tell me you came here to get a laugh?

-I came to take you back.

-What?

-To take you back. How soon can you pack?

-Hey!

-Don't get me wrong. We were in business together too.

-I remember.

That guy I teamed up with didn't work out. The score stinks!

-None of that Kay Kingsley sparkle!

-Mm.

-The show will die on its feet.

Oh, Jed! Ha-ha! You're confusing me with some other chick!

Mrs Chris Hayward! I already have a job.

What a job!

-And what does it pay you?

-Ooh!

-Nothing you can see.

-Don't they use money here?

-With what you'd make in this new show, you could buy cattle with gold rings in their noses.

-Who wants...?

Water...

What was that? Water?

-It could buy us a place with plenty of water.

-You haven't got water?

Not enough for what we're planning.

I could buy us a place running over with it.

A few weeks work in New York and they could be guzzling champagne.

-I'd only take a few weeks?

-Might be able to knock it off in less.

Yeah.

I think Chris would understand. He wouldn't worry.

New York's out my system.

-Daddy!

-Daddy!

-Haven't got time to talk, kids. Bring that iron.

-What'll we do?

-Better get back and watch them.

Well, think it over, Kay. I'll be at the Juniper Junction Hotel.

You wait right here. You have to help me tell Chris.

No, you don't need me! You can handle it much better by yourself.

-OK. I'll telephone as soon as I've broken the news.

-Now you're being practical.

-It's better than it was.

-Bye!

-Goodbye.

New York...

I don't think Chris would object.

He could get that Mears off his neck.

-Gee, Kay, we don't want to go to bed.

-We want to see Daddy.

You can see him in the morning. You both look tired and Daddy might be late.

You know how it is when the boys get together on male enterprises.

Work, they call it.

Get undressed. Hurry up. I'll come back and kiss you good night.

Shoot!

Aw, gee!

TOY PIANO TINGS

Chris... Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm all right. I'm just tired, that's all.

Chris, you're hurt!

No, I just butchered a beef.

Thanks.

-And I thought you were having fun!

-Fun?

Sort of a private rodeo.

Darling, you ARE tired.

Terribly tired.

-You look such a mess!

-Yeah. I guess I am.

But it never used to get you like this in New York - all the riding.

The silk shirts, the prize money and the folks cheering!

That was the cream, baby. Today was the bread and butter.

-Continuous performance and no rest between shows.

-Oh, darling.

Don't look so big-eyed. I'm just plain tired.

Any rancher worth their salt gets this way once in a while.

-Get cleaned up.

-Just let me sit here a minute.

Get a nice hot bath and some food and you'll be good as new.

Hurry up.

You know something, Buckshot?

The house used to be dark when I'd get home.

On nights like this, I'd fall into bed with my clothes on, belly empty.

But now... Well, you're really something.

I'm living now.

Boy, I'm really living.

RINGING

Give me the hotel.

-Did Kay tell this Jed fellow...?

-She didn't say she wouldn't.

You'll ask Kay not to go, won't you?

She won't if you say not to.

Well, sprouts, that's kind of up to Kay to decide for herself.

We've got enough to answer for already.

You see, it's like we caught a lark

and tried to make a barn swallow out of it.

But I don't want Kay to go, Daddy.

-What'll we do without her?

-My guess is you'd never wash your ears!

If you think I'm going to give you a break like that, you're crazy.

Kay...

Oh, Chris...

Don't do that to me again, baby.

Hello! Hello!

Is this still you - that Jed person?

Kay gave you her answer.

So I'm saying to you, just scat!

-The idea!

-Some tar and feathers!

Ride out of town!

My man would help but his back's hurting again.

It is?

'It's like that rheumatism I had...'

COWS MOO

You'll do, cowboy!

You're pretty great yourself!

-I'm going to town.

-Get me underwear. The size is...

-Oh, I know the size.

Chris!

-What's up?

-We're in trouble. Fern Springs is as dry as a bone.

-Dry?

-There ain't any!

-That can't be!

-That's what I said but you'll get the surprise of your life!

Ain't enough to whet a jay bird's whistle.

If Mears doesn't give me more, I'm finished. He's going to listen.

Take your shooting iron. Men hear better when you plug their ear with a 45.

He said, "You'll do, cowboy!"

Coming from him, that can only mean at last he thinks I'm a fair hand!

-Thanks to you!

-How I learned to be a ranch woman in six easy lessons.

You mean 60 not-so-easy lessons!

And 60 bottles of liniment!

Oh-oh! Laughing boy!

Thank you, Mrs Jones.

-Howdy, Mr Mears! What can I do for you?

-Haulage.

-Mm-hm, haulage.

-How's Redboy?

-He's been fidgety like that time he ran off to the hills.

-Might be diet. This elixir...

-I'm getting Doc Hendy. I'll take this.

The Doc's good...

BANGING AND SHOUTING

Hello, partner!

Agh!

Hi, old hammer! What's cooking home on the range?

-Are they your brats?

-Ain't they something?

-They've been like that for days!

-It's like they were born to the big open spaces.

-Maybe you can give us information, partner.

-Get it from somebody else.

-Who's paying for this damage?

-These fellas are as friendly as a bobcat!

Will 100 take care of it?

-What do you want?

-We're aiming for Payton Briggs' place.

-The Dude ranch!

-Well, it's 14 miles east...

Payton Briggs...

..then it's about a look and a half straight ahead.

Clear as a prairie dog's eye!

Jean, don't let Mears get away.

I'll be right back.

Well, so long, old-timer!

Come on, cow hands! Time to hit the trail!

KIDS SHOOTING DROWNS SPEECH

Mr Mears! I couldn't help hearing how fidgety Redboy's been.

I had the same trouble with one of my best milkers.

-I put sulphur molasses...

-I'll try it sometime.

It's important you get the right mixture - it's two parts molasses...

-Oh, Jean!

-Kay!

-I'm glad I found you. Hello, Mr Mears.

-What do you think?

-What?

-Those Dudes want to buy our ranch!

-No!

-They're friends of Payton Briggs!

-Will you sell?

It's as big as it can be and it's what they want!

-Now hold on, Mrs Hayward! I offered to buy your place!

-I know you did.

But Dudes pay awfully good money. Really, much more than it's worth!

-You wouldn't sell to them?

-What can we do if we can't get more water?

They're the nicest people - not old stick-in-the-muds like us.

They'll whoop it up from dusk to dawn - you'll start living!

-I ain't going to have them Dudes out there!

-Then you'll have to take your choice!

It's Dudes for you or water for us!

All right! Water!

They'll be disappointed... All right!

-You heard him?

-Yes.

-I want to talk to you!

-Chris...

-Stay out of this. Now, I'm telling you!

-I need water and I aim to get it!

-Not till Friday!

-This is between us.

It's not about personal... What did you say?

I said it won't be till Friday. I'll bring the papers over to you, then.

-You mean we get the water?

-Starting Friday! I know when I'm licked.

Well... That's the way to handle that character!

-Wasn't Chris wonderful?

-Sure.

-I didn't think it would be that easy!

-Do you mind if I ride home with Chris?

-No.

-I can hardly wait to tell the cows!

-See you later, Jean.

-Bye!

-I don't get it! All I said was, "Mears, I want to talk to you!"

-I know.

-I told you to stay out.

-You did.

-Did I hurt your feelings?

-No!

The chips were down... I still don't see why he gave in so easily!

Well, you had him backed against the wall! You were so dynamic!

Yeah!

Well, it's still ours, Buckshot! We came close to giving it all up!

-What?

-Fern Spring dried up on us - our main source of water.

Chris! I didn't know that!

What if I hadn't sp...

-What if he hadn't given in?

-We couldn't get by on what he gives us now.

I don't know what we'd have done - Cougar Ranch might not be the best in the world,

but when you've built a place from scratch, you get a feeling about it.

I've always kind of felt it was alive.

Not just dirt and rock and scrub - like someone who hasn't had a break.

I sound like a real estate salesman.

You sold me, mister!

Anyway, we're on our way now!

If we get the water we need, we'll buy cattle till these barns bulge.

-We'll own half the state! Well, a quarter.

-And we'll buy bulls...

We'll buy bulls that'll out-bull Mears' bull.

-Bride of the cattle king!

-How about declaring a royal holiday?

-Let's go deer hunting with the boys.

-Sure. But I promised the kids...

Oh, I saw Poci. She wants to come back.

-She...

-Of course, if you don't want her...

-Oh, Chris!

Tell her she can wear what she wants and perfume...

-I'll run her a tub full of perfume.

-Perfume nothing!

You can fill it up with water now. You've never been on a hunting trip.

-You'll have fun even if you don't know about shotguns.

-My aim's good.

Pretty good. Mine too.

Chris!

What time do we have to get up to start after these deer, dear?

-We get up around four.

-Oh.

Well...

I don't know about the rest of you but I think I'll just hit the sack.

-Good night, Kay.

-Good night.

Yeah... Four o'clock does come kind of early.

"Be back. Have breakfast ready for the gang."

What a dirty trick!

"How would you like to go on a hunting trip?"

"Never camped out overnight, have you, Buckshot?

"You'll just love it!"

They brought me along to cook their breakfast!

"We'll have a royal holiday!"

OK, boys...

I'll give you a royal breakfast!

First we'll have some coffee.

Boil the water...

A lot of coffee...

Egg shells...

For your back teeth...

GROWL

GROWL

Chris!

It's a cougar! That's what it is - a cougar!

What'll I do?

GROWL

Oh, Chris!

-What's the matter, Buckshot?

-I got him!

-You got what?

-He was hiding. I snuck...

-Give me that!

-I...

-What you talking about?

A cougar! A cougar tried to kill me! I shot him! He's in the bushes.

-This I gotta see!

-You thought I didn't know about guns!

He's right over here.

-I can't look.

-What did he do? Just walk in the camp...

-Kay!

-Is he still alive?

Redboy!

-No soap?

-No soap. No water rights. No nothing.

From him, that is - from us, Cougar Rock Ranch to heal his aching heart.

-Why did you have to marry such a dope?

-Forget it. We'll make out.

-I've wrecked everything.

-This isn't the only ranch. So we lose it!

I'll do the rodeo circuit and we'll get another place - a better one.

-I'll see Tom Ridley and enter the round-up next month.

-Oh, Chris!

-Why don't you cuss me out or give me a poke in the nose?

-Don't worry.

Anybody can have a hunting accident.

Chris...

-When Jed was here, he said...

-I know.

-Thanks for letting me think I was a big shot!

-What?

With Mears, it came out that we were going to sell the place to Dudes.

-I was only trying...

-I know. But like you said, I sure was dynamic.

I'm sorry.

-I won't let that old buzzard pick your bones.

-How you going to stop him?

By going to New York to do that show.

Get this through your head, Kay.

-Ranching is my business. Keep out of it.

-Keep out?

-You wouldn't have let me fool Mears but we got the water rights!

-Yeah!

-Till you shot Redboy.

-So you are holding it against me!

-"Anyone can have an accident," he says.

-I don't hold it against you.

-Of course, you could have looked.

-Oh, fine! Now it begins to come out.

-Well... I meant...

-Don't shout.

-I'm not shouting.

-I'm trying...

-It's nothing money can't fix so why can't I pay?

-No!

-You're so stubborn! Why can't you be practical?

-Look who's talking!

-I'll go to New York and I'll buy...

-You won't buy me anything.

Am I supposed to go around the rest of my life in sackcloth and ashes?

I'll go and nobody's going to stop me!

You're trying to pick a fight.

Trying? This IS a fight! Our first and last.

-If that's the way you feel, go and stay there!

-I will!

All right!

Congratulations! You're sliding out just when things are getting tough!

RINGING

Hello...! Oh, hello, Kay! How are you?

What...? ..Oh, yeah, but...

Why?

-Do you think that's the thing to do?

-It's the thing I'm going to do... TODAY!

-Hi, Daddy!

-I had an excellent day!

Good.

-What's the matter?

-You look mad.

-Like when the coyote raided the chickens.

-Who are you mad at?

-Daddy?

-You're going to find out so I may as well tell you -

-Kay's leaving.

-Leaving?

-For where?

-Back to New York.

-She'll come back?

-I don't know.

-Did something happen?

-Things just didn't work out as we planned.

-Did she want to leave?

-And what are you going to do without her, Daddy?

I'm going to Tom Ridley's.

-Are you going rodeo riding again?

-Yeah.

-But Daddy!

-Golly! Maybe he doesn't love Kay any more.

-Said he fell in love with her like that.

Maybe he fell out of love like that too!

-Hello, angels.

-Oh, Kay, you can't leave! We love you.

-You belong here.

No, I don't. That's just it. I'm, what you call, out of my element!

What does that mean?

-It's kind of like a fish out of water.

-Did Daddy call you that?

-No.

I want you both to try and understand.

Sometimes things that seem terrible turn out to be best for everybody.

Like medicine - bad tasting medicine.

-I don't mind taking medicine, Kay. Even bad tasting medicine.

-Me neither.

Hi, Kay.

Hi, Orvie.

-What's it about?

-I'm leaving.

-Chris told me to take you to the station.

But I ain't going to do no such thing.

-I want you to put my bags in the car.

-Now, Kay, listen to me!

You're acting like my second wife, Mary-Bell... I mean Ellie-May!

She pulled the same stunt. Each time we had a hassle, she got to packing.

She pulled it just once too often and I let her go!

I ain't seen hide nor hair of her since.

-That's what'll happen to you. Get out of them duds...

-This is ready.

-So is that one...

-Kay, you're not...

-I'm in a hurry!

-Ooh...!

All right!

A man never saw someone as....

DOG BARKING

Get in, boy! Get in! Come on!

Get in! Up!

DOG WHINES

Let's go.

I guess I ain't no better a matchmaker than I was a husband.

I'd say it's a photo finish!

SHE HUMS

# La, la, la, la, la... #

Jed, listen to this.

Jed! Listen to this.

# Funny what a tune can do to you

# Underneath the western sky

# When your love's a buckaroo

Buckaroo!

# Sings a sage brush... #

Buckaroos again! You wake me for that?

It's supposed to be a sophisticated musical reeking of Manhattan!

-Broadway, Harlem...

-I suppose that's new stuff!

-It's your stuff, Kay!

They don't want western skies over Wyoming - they want stormy weather over Staten Island!

Where is that something that could sell a million copies?

I don't know, Jed. Maybe I left it somewhere.

I hear nothing but howling coyotes and jingling spurs!

I hear them in my sleep...

-JINGLING I think I hear them now.

-I do too.

DOG WHINES It's even getting Porgy!

Jed, we aren't hearing things.

Kay! Kay!

What are you doing? Put me down!

-I toted him to you once before but this is the last time.

-Put me down.

Hello, Buckshot.

If he can't come here himself, maybe you better take him out again.

Wait a minute! Speak your piece!

Kay, I... Put me down first!

Kay... I'm sorry I was so stubborn about everything...

-She's gotta come back.

-You're no good without her.

-That's a fact.

I can't keep my mind on anything.

-He's been bucked off from Pendleton to Madison Square Gardens!

-That's right!

That's why I'm limping.

-I've been having the same trouble with my music. Oh, Chris!

-Whoopee!

-You've got to finish that score!

-Would you like a punch in the nose?

Oh, Chris...

Orv! Do you think you can tote all of us?

Just stay bunched up and let's go!

Porgy, you'll have to walk!