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This film contains very strong language
and some scenes of a sexual nature.
I know we agreed to take some time off.
And I think that was a great idea.
It gave us both a chance to experiment, if you will,
and meet all sorts of new and interesting, different people.
You did quite a bit more experimenting than I did.
A lot more experimenting. You are like a scientist!
With beakers and... But, obviously, I'm cool with that. Like...
Cos the thing is, I think we're stronger as a result.
But here's the thing, Marnie, it's been two years.
And that's a lot of time off.
And I'm ready for some time on.
I miss you.
I miss us.
I got something for you.
What do you think?
It's depressing. I mean, it's really depressing.
It's horrible to watch you like this.
I think this is really pretty. How's it work?
What the hell is that?
I got it for Valentine's Day, right before she broke up with me.
Look, Stainer, I know you don't like her very much.
No. No. I hate her. In fact, the day that you broke up with her,
I marked that down in my calendar as a day of rejoicement.
I'm gonna celebrate it with a cake with her face on it.
But instead of eating it, we smash it. OK? You can do a lot better.
-You deserve a lot better, Kirk.
but I've seen what's out there and I don't think it gets any better.
When have you been out there? When have you left the apartment?
I went out on four different dates.
With three girls... and that guy.
I don't know what his intentions were, but it's fine.
We had a great conversation. He was just lookin' for a friend.
-Know what your problem is?
-You're a moodle.
-A man poodle.
-Girls, they want to take you out on a walk.
They want to feed you, they want to cuddle you. But, make no mistake,
no girl wants to do the moodle.
-No one'd ever fuck a moodle.
-I'm telling you,
if you want to get Marnie back, she has got to believe
that from the second she broke up with you,
your life has been a non-stop snatch parade.
Or you could just be who you are. Why can't that be good enough?
Why don't you put your fucking balls in here, dude?
-"Snatch parade. " Really, Kirk?
-Yeah, it's been pretty awesome.
I've been raw-doggin' some randoms.
Usually careful. Mostly careful, though.
Always using protection.
Double-baggin' it sometimes just to make sure there's
no seepage because...
...gonorrhea, herpes and stuff. I don't want that.
Wow. I am really happy that you are doing so well with the ladies.
But, truthfully, Marnie.
I really just want to give all that up and get back together with you.
Kirk? You know I'm with Ron now.
Raw-doggin' some randoms?
Wow, Kirky, sounds like you got some good stuff goin' on.
We're kind of in the middle of something right now.
Oh, you want to talk? No problem.
-I'll just be in the other room.
Ah, sorry. One more thing. Is there any salsa?
You know what? I'll find it myself. Good luck there, pirate.
Are you kidding me, Marnie?
That guy? That guy is an entrepreneur.
-Well, Ron owns a Pizza Hut.
-That's a business.
It's not even a real Pizza Hut! It's a Pizza Hut Express!
Working airport security with your dipshit friends
isn't getting you closer to being a pilot.
I... I got you somethin'.
Remember that time I made you the mix tape of all the Kate Bush songs
I thought applied to our relationship? This is cooler.
Happy Valentine's Day from two years ago.
Hi, honey. Everything OK?
-Oh, God, what is that?
I think it's an ashtray?
-No, it's for your earrings.
Kirk, please, don't cause a scene. Everyone's over.
Jesus, Mom, a little privacy here, please?
-It's OK, Mrs. Kettner.
Kirk. You know that I don't get along with my own parents,
and you've been really great about your family practically adopting me
since we broke up.
-I love you.
-Marnie, I love you, too.
Just... OK... Let me finish.
I love you like I love... TV.
-I love you like I love pizza.
-You still got it!
-Give it to him!
-What's up, little bro?
-Dylan! Leave your brother alone.
-Snap him like a wishbone.
-Sore spot? Just let it happen.
-Yeah! You ain't got shit, you pussy!
-I hate you!
Mom! Kirk said he hated me!
OK, let's move out! Movie night! I do not want to miss the previews.
-Here. I got the brews. Let's go!
-Comin' with us, pirate?
-It's Chris Tucker, dude.
Yeah, I think I'll pass.
"Do you see the words comin' outta my mouth?!"
Chris Tucker, right? Mom! I did the Chris Tucker for him.
-I'm just gonna leave this here.
He's the black guy from Rush Hour. >
-Let's go, go, go!
-You know, it's engraved on...
Boarding passes and IDs where I can see them, please!
- Hey. - Hey.
Boarding passes and IDs where I...
Oh, well, well, well. Thanks for comin' in, Kettner.
Sorry I'm late, Fuller.
-Yeah? You'd better have a good excuse.
You wanna take a second? Make somethin' up?
Oh, look at this.
Yeah, that's so good. That's great. That's perfect.
Listen, Mr Friedman, their quote is lower than ours.
So if fake flowers and cheap champagne is how you want to woo your clients,
then feel free to blow us out. I'm sure the event'll be fine.
Thank you, Mr Friedman. Tomorrow.
Have a nice flight.
Boarding passes and IDs where I can see... Hi!
New York, huh? Yeah. The Big... City.
Big Apple City. I get up there a lot, Cos I actually, I gig up there.
I play in a band.
-I'm the lead in a band.
Did you get the numbers with... For the new procedures regarding planes?
This is Randy.
-Well, everything checks out.
-Do you need a hand?
Smooth. Go put this back in the trash.
-It's a memo.
-Put it back in the trash!
-Boarding passes and IDs, please!
-Next! Oh, ma'am!
OK, let's go ahead and strip off that belt too, while we're at it, huh?
You have any piercings you want me to know about?
Anything at all?
All right, I'm really late for my flight.
Why don't you step on through, we'll see if you set off the machine.
No, no, no. Not so fast.
I'm gonna have to ask you to step over to the wanding area.
Fuller, why? Well, you never know. I mean...
You just waved the wand over your tie clip!
No, I did not. Yes, you did.
Well, I am keeping an eye on you.
Wow. They let guys like that work here?
Yes, they, they, they let that guy be my boss.
Thank you for pissing off your boss for me.
Oh, yeah, please, anytime.
-Molly! Your boarding pass.
-Oh, thanks... Kirk.
Flight six-three to JFK, you're cleared for taxiing on runway two-niner.
Cabin crew, lock doors and cross-check.
Dude! Cut it a little closer, why don't you?
I think I lost my iPhone. I left it in security.
Well, here, calm down. I'll call it.
- Hello? - Who's this?
I don't know. Might be the guy with the new iPhone. Who's this?
I don't know. Might be your worst fucking nightmare, you...
-Patty! Stop it!
Hello? Thank God you have my phone. My name is Molly McCleish.
I remember you well. What gate are you at? I'll run it over.
Know what? We're actually pushing back right now.
Excuse me. You're not supposed to be on your phone.
-It's bad for the plane.
-Oh, I'm sorry. Are you a plane doctor?
No? So shut the fuck up. Tell you what,
I'll just leave it at Lost and Found for you. How 'bout that?
Would you hold on to it for me? I'm coming back tomorrow.
I'm an event planner. I'm having this party at the Warhol Museum.
-We could meet there.
-Yes, of course.
I know where that is. It's actually
-on my way home from work.
-She's talking on her phone.
-Dude! Go shit in your hand.
I have to go.
Tonight's the night, Kirky.
No. I... Devon, tonight is just a night
where I return some lost property to a fellow human being.
Come on, man, you gotta be positive.
It's exciting! I mean, the night's full of possibilities.
-I can almost smell 'em.
-You know what this reminds me of?
The moment when Aladdin went to meet Princess Jasmine.
You're like a street urchin, and this is the palace!
OK, so then what does that make you?
I'm the Genie.
Why am I so nervous? This is stupid. Let's get this over with, OK? Let's go.
Yeah. Let's go on a magic carpet ride.
No, I think it's good. We have to act positive.
-Hi! Congratulations, ladies.
-This party is so amazing.
-It is, right?
-Hey. Sorry I'm late.
-Nice, Katie. Real classy.
I had a major laundry disaster. This is the only dry bra that I have left.
-Do you want me to take it off?
-Just take a tray and circulate.
-Yeah, circulate. Know what that means?
Hey, excuse me. I'm looking for Molly McCleish?
-Are you here to arrest her?
What about you? You gonna search me?
No. No, I'm, I'm not TSA.
I can get you a mad discount on a flight, if you want, though.
Molly's my sister. She's... up there.
-Hey. This is Patty.
-Oh, this is my friend, Devon.
-Here's your phone.
-Oh, thank God.
You... Thank you. You saved my life.
Oh, please. It's no big deal at all. I think we're gonna get goin' now.
We're a bit overdressed for this.
-Oh, no! You guys look great.
You should stay and have a drink, right?
Know what? Excuse me one second.
Get a drink, but don't get it from my sister's tray.
What's up, freckles?
...your friend's hot.
What'd she just say?
-"I think your friend is hot."
Seriously, Kirky, do not josh me. All right? I need this.
Well, Devon, I would never josh you.
She said, "I think your friend is hot."
No, you... Devon, you're happily married.
You and I both know you'd never cheat on Karen.
Yeah, you're right. I don't need to.
Know why? Cos that girl thinks I'm hot.
Know what? Don't tell Karen about this.
I dropped 'em on the floor, but five second rule.
-Good. Thank you.
-It's OK, I'll wait.
-What the hell are you doing?
-I am so sorry, sir.
-I don't know.
-No, no, no, not Katie.
This is all my fault. I'm very, very sorry.
Can I see your invitation?
Can I see your invitation?
Probably not the best thing to say to the museum director.
True, but we should do cultural events like this more often.
Kirk! Oh, my God.
Patty told me what happened. What can I say? I'm so sorry.
My reputation in the arts community may be shot, but I think I'll get over it.
Know what? I'd like to make it up to you.
-Are you free tomorrow night?
-Yeah, yes. Yes.
We handle some of the Penguins events, we've got seats for the Islanders game.
-Do you like hockey?
-Do I like hockey? Yes, I do.
Great. There's two tickets. So, maybe, bring a friend.
Wow, thank you so much. That's amazing.
-And the tickets will be at will call.
Fare thee well, dear princess.
Until our magic carpets alight from Agrabah to the Cave of Wonders
for a night of romance... and hockey.
-I'm taking Stainer.
-Are you serious?
-No. no. No. That's...
She's not into me. There are very few things that I am absolutely certain of.
-This chick does not like me.
-Oh, don't be such a Laydown Larry.
I'm not being a... "Laydown Larry?"
It's just like me sayin' that I'll never go to the moon,
I'm all right with that, too.
You don't want to go to the moon? Bullshit.
No, I am saying that I never will go to the moon,
and that's fine because I never expected to.
You don't know that. Technology and stuff.
-You might go to the moon.
No. This girl is, like, fuckin' hot!
Yeah, but you said that shit about Marnie and, let's face it,
Marnie was kind of a skank.
Marnie. We were just talking about
Marnie, the name... And how it's unfortunate that it's not more common.
Fuck you, Stainer.
You didn't let me finish. More common for skanks.
Hey, Kirk, so are you gonna go to Branson with your folks next month?
-I don't think so.
-Cos they invited
me and Ron to come along, and we'd love to go,
but not if it's gonna be weird for you.
Tickets are non-refundable, and I love Branson, but it's totally up to you.
-Yeah, no, you should go. It's fun.
OK, so she's taking her new boyfriend to Branson with your parents.
I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
PUBLIC ADDRESS: Penguins are facing off against the Islanders.
What do you think are the keys to the game?
-I got the first one.
-Thank you very much.
I got a 20. Four beers, please.
-He seemed nice.
-That was all of my money.
-Oh, my God. She's here.
That chick, from the airport?
Didn't think she was gonna show. Hi!
-Hey. So you got the tickets OK?
-Oh, yeah. Thank you so much.
-Cool. Oh, you remember Patty.
Hi, there. Of course. I didn't think that you were coming.
-I just... This is amazing.
-His name is Stainer.
-Just a non-descript nickname.
Doesn't mean anything, you know. It's like Greg.
You look like someone I went to high school with.
-What high school? Maybe it was me.
-No, he's in a coma.
Who brought the good news bear? Somebody give her some fucking honey.
OK, should we just meet you up at the seats?
-Kirk, that Molly girl's insanely hot.
-Yeah, I know.
-So you know what's happening.
She's setting you up with the bitchy friend.
Perfect for you, Cos you like bitches.
Yeah, well, that's fine.
Patty's not a bitch, she's different.
Yeah, different in that she's a bitch and other people aren't.
-Shoot! Shoot! Shoot!
Will! Will! Pass it, pass it!
Come on, Averill, play the man, not the puck!
Yeah, come on, dick!
I'm sorry, the player that I was screaming at is a forward,
but for some reason he keeps hanging back at the blue line
-with the defensemen.
-You realise they're
hanging back cos they're trying to kill a power play.
That is exactly what's happening.
Damn it, Fox, keep your stick down!
-That felt good.
She knows a strange amount about hockey.
What... Scott Reese knows you?
Come on, Reese, pick it up! You suck today!
-What a save!
-Oh, my God, he caught that.
-Fuck you, man! Fuck you!
-He's such a freak!
-I'm gonna get some drinks.
-I'm gonna get some beers, guys.
I see what's goin' on. Yeah, I'll get some beers with you.
-You two stay here. You know, talk.
PA: Charlie Slaughter from Brookline.
Ye olde intermission.
Listen, while we have a minute here, Molly's always trying to set me up.
That's why she brought me along, but honestly I'm not interested, no offence.
No offence taken. I assume that I am probably not your type.
I was talking about Stainer.
What? What do you think, we're on, like, a double date or something?
-Yeah, but that'd mean that Molly...
Kirk, Molly's into you.
Yeah! It's effortless.
Listen, Kirk, I love you,
but there's no way on the planet that Molly is into you.
Why would she bring a friend and give you two tickets?
Well, Molly brought Patty for you, but Patty thought you were a moron.
OK, now I know you've gone crazy.
You're telling me the hottest chick I've met in my life wants you,
and the Hamburglar wasn't into me? Listen to yourself. Fuck you.
That's a pretty impressive catch, Kirky.
Right. The day that happens is the day that Jack sleeps with your wife.
-What, did that already happen?
-We weren't technically dating yet.
Are we gonna talk or are we gonna bowl?
All I'm saying is, this girl's too hot.
I mean, no judgment on Kirky, but the guy's just outgunned here.
- Yo, House Ball! - "House Ball?"
Yeah, I was up first.
-OK. OK. My bad.
-For fuck sake! Hey!
-What is it with you people?
-Hey, he can just wait his turn.
Oh, really? All this noise and shit,
and my best friend is such a distraction in your goddamn peripheral vision?
All right, take it easy. It's all good. Let him do his thing.
Well, fuckin' roll then.
-Bring it, Brunswick!
-I'm here. Let's do this, come on.
You feel strong, tough guy?
-You piece of shit!
-All right, come on.
-Don't! He's lucky.
-He's an asshole.
-> I'm really sorry.
OK, anyway... I love Kirky, but let's face it, the guy's a five.
Stainer, that's just dirty pool. He's at least a six.
A six? You go ahead and pump rainbows into his asshole,
-but I'm just being honest.
-Come on, cut him some slack. Look.
Half a point 'cause he's a nice guy. Right?
And he's funny, so that's half a point each. That brings him to six.
But he drives a shitbox, deduct a point.
-Take a point off.
-What's wrong with my Neon?
I don't know. Except the people that make that car don't even like it.
-So we're back to a five.
Meanwhile, this Molly is a hard ten.
And that five point disparity, that is a "chazum."
Chasm. You can't jump more than two points.
Where do you get this shit?
Trust me, Kirk. I can't even get a ten.
-Oh, not even you, huh?
-I'm a six, OK?
Bullshit, you're a six! Then what am I?
-You're an eight.
-OK, fine, you're a six then.
But I get a one point bump Cos I'm in a band.
Stainer, you're in a Hall and Oates cover band!
-I'm pretty sure that's a deduction.
-Adult Education is a tribute band.
So that puts me back at a seven.
On a good day, the best I can bag is a nine.
-What about your crappy car?
I'm expected to have a shitty car.
Is there an artist's exemption for talkin' out your ass?
Yeah. It's called bein' a rock star, Jack.
Look it up in the dictionary. It's there. Next to "Fuck you!"
Guys, I think this system's ridiculous.
All right? If someone really loves you, then you are a ten.
My God. What, are... Are you Hannah Montana?
Because nothing you're saying right now is of any help to Kirk.
Hello? Hello! Hey, Molly.
I'm well, thank you. How are you?
First of all, thank you. Yeah, it was great. It was incredible.
Thank you so much. No...
Kirky, what'd she say?
I think she just asked me out.
Yeah! Way to go, Kirkers!
Hey, did she say anything, you know, about Wendy thinkin' I'm hot?
-Shoot. I wonder if she's on Facebook.
-Devon, you're on Facebook?
-Yeah. I got like 37 friends.
Moll, what about this for your date tonight?
Katie, that's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen.
Wait. You have a date with Kirk?
When do you want the bad date bail-out call?
I don't want it.
No, seriously, work emergency or aunt died?
-I'm not gonna need it.
What is your problem with Kirk?
I don't have a problem with Kirk. I have a problem with you dating Kirk.
You dated Cam and got hurt, so you pick a guy like Kirk because he's safe.
Yeah. Or maybe because he's just a nice guy.
He's great. I just...
You and I know he's not the kind of guy you usually end up with.
Yeah, I know.
Ah, goddamn it.
Way to go.
What happened to you? You look like shit. Besides that.
I got, like, 30 minutes of sleep last night.
What do I even say to Molly tonight?
Like, what, do I just talk about her ridiculous hotness for two hours?
I don't know. You were pretty smooth at the hockey game.
Thanks, man. Well, that's because I didn't think I stood a chance in hell,
but now that she's asked me out I don't get it. It boggles my mind.
Why would she ask me out?
-Are you dying?
You maybe have some rich benefactor in a top hat
who's trying to set you up before you die.
Like Great Expectations. Have you read that book?
-It's so weird!
No, Stainer, I'm not terminally ill. Thank you for your concern.
-Then that's a brain-teaser, isn't it?
-Tell me about it.
-You know, let's go this way.
-Who is that?
Nobody. Just some chick that I boned when I was drunk.
She's a total psycho. Let's go this way.
-It's quicker. Come on.
This place is tremendous.
It's... I'm just trying to think whether or not I've been here before.
Is this real silver? This is gorgeous stuff.
It has this lovely terrace area.
It's open. It's kind of like eating on the Today Show set.
-Are you nervous?
So you speak French?
No, barely. I probably just asked for directions to the beach.
That's amazing. Any other hidden talents I should know about?
-I'm a lawyer.
-You're a lawyer?
I know. I, well, I'm not real...
Oh, I'm sorry, one second. I... Ma'am? Ma'am, you... Yeah...
I'll be right back.
Excuse me. Ma'am! You forgot your sweater.
Oh, no, I don't work there.
I... It isn't...
-I'm just returning your sweater.
-Sure. Have a good night.
- Evening. - What's up?
-I'll see you guys there.
-I thought you were still in New York.
-Negative. I flew in this morning.
-Oh, this is Kirk.
-Oh, hey, buddy. Oh, thank you.
-Can I help you?
-Yeah, you bet.
I'll take an Armagnac. The lady'll have a dirty martini with three olives.
-Thanks. Her favourite.
-I think there's been a mistake.
-He's with me.
Honest mistake. Sorry. There you go.
Please. That's awkward.
-Cam, this is Kirk.
-It's great to meet you, sir.
Great to meet you, sir. Cam? Is that short for Cameron?
-Why would it be?
That's funny. Your friend is funny, Molly.
-Thank you so much.
-Am I gonna see you next week?
Patty and I are working at the air show and Cam's our liaison guy.
"Liaison guy." Ouch!
We were more than that, huh? You see, Molly and I used to date.
Well, I'm out. It was great to meet you, sir.
-See you, honey.
-All right. Bye.
Bye, Cam! He seems great. He seems really great.
-Should we order? OK.
So I was interning at the law firm. studying for the bar.
but I just kept thinking...
Is this what I really want to do with my life?
And then I volunteered to plan the holiday party, and I loved it.
And so I quit the firm, went into business with Patty.
Well, you found somethin' that you love. That's amazing!
Yeah. Yeah, it is amazing.
Anyway, I'm bored of me. What about you?
Pittsburgh born and bred.
I wanted to go to college, but my dad bought a swimming pool instead.
So my boy, Stainer, hooked me up with my job at TSA
and the rest is rock 'n' roll history.
So TSA today. Is there a tomorrow or...?
Oh, I don't know.
Some days I'll be at work and I'll look out the window
and I'll see all those planes takin' off, goin' places, and I think
I could really do that, you know.
And it wouldn't matter if it was jetliners or cargo planes or whatever.
I just would really love that feeling of freedom.
Yeah. I know what you mean.
So now you know my big secret.
-You should do that, Kirk.
-Well, thank you.
It was easy for you to say. You switch jobs at the drop of a hat.
No! No! Not at all!
My parents don't even know I quit the firm.
-Yeah, I know.
My dad's an old-fashioned guy.
He's all about security and steady pay cheques.
And I guess we have a problem with communication, and...
I would like that not to be the case.
And maybe, maybe, one day it won't be.
-Do you have to get that?
-No, you know what? It's fine.
This is Molly McCleish. I'm sorry I missed your call.
-Please leave a message...
Never been driven home by a waiter before.
-No. No, nobody usually is.
-I had a really nice time.
-Thank you. Me, too.
You're not thinking about Cam, are you?
No. "Cam who?" Is how I feel. No...
I've completely forgotten how good-looking he is,
and how beautifully moisturised his skin tones are.
Oh, my seat belt is screwed up.
Wait, wait. It goes in the goddamn correct...
She kissed you. She, with her actual mouth, kissed you?
-Yeah, yeah, man, I know.
-I'm so happy for you, Kirky.
I'm not. I'm really nervous.
I mean, it feels like the universe is outta tilt.
You know? One of us is gonna die.
What's the next step here? We gonna take this up a notch?
I'm referring to sexual relations, Devon.
She's comin' to lunch with my parents on Sunday.
What? Why? Why would you do that?
You can't do that, dude. You're jumping six steps!
Well, I... She asked me. I don't know. What was I supposed to say?
That takes care of that.
I mean, 20 minutes with your family and she'll file for a restraining order.
-Hey, did she say anything about Wendy?
You know, like, about me?
OK, move it. Move it, move it, move it, move it.
-That's what I'm talkin' about.
-That's what I'm talkin' about.
-Oh, hi, sweetie!
-Hi. I'm Kirk's mom.
-Hi. I'm Molly.
-To meet you.
Hi. I'm Molly. Nice to meet you, too.
-Where's your restroom?
-Right through there.
-Thanks. I'm gonna use the restroom.
-Through there? OK.
-Yeah, through there.
-Oh, we don't flush number ones.
Nothing! Jesus Christ, Dad! That's...
-She's a guest.
-Thought we'd make one exception?
-We got very delicate plumbing.
-Honey. She's really cute!
-All that hair!
-You wanna watch the Jap show?
I was explicitly told that you wouldn't be here today.
I thought you were hangin' drywall or somethin'.
Leroy fired him again.
Whatever. Like that dick never came to work with a buzz on.
I brought a girl with me, so I am begging you,
from the bottom of my heart, please don't be a jerk,
-and I'll do anything you want.
-Slap Shot Regatta.
How long was I down there for? What's my time? What's my time?
-Nope. Only 58 seconds.
- Hey, there, pirate! - So, Ron, you're here.
-That means that...
Who wants it? Who wants it? Who wants it? I'll show it!
-I'll show it!
Oh, yeah! Stop it, guys.
Hi, there. Everybody, this is Molly.
Molly, this is everybody.
That's my brother, Dylan, his fiancee, Debbie
and my... Marnie and Ron.
-This is when you say, "Hi, Molly.
-Who are you?
- Why is she here? - She came with me.
-You hit her car or something?
-Jesus. No, but thank you for asking.
-You his social worker?
-Shit, are we being evicted?
-You a hooker?
-Or a prostitute, I mean?
-Oh, my God.
Kirk and I were having dinner and he said he was
getting together with his family. It's been a while since I had
a family dinner, so I hope you don't mind.
-I just invited myself along.
-Well, come on in for a dip, girl!
-I don't have a bathing suit.
-Wear your underwear.
-Like a bikini. Covers the good shit.
-Yeah, underwear is fine.
It's like what they did in the old days.
Underwear would be fine...
..if I were wearing any.
-Lunch is ready! >
-My mom makes awesome meatloaf.
-Sure you want another one, Dad?
What are you, my sponsor? Hit me!
Ron, honey, I never complimented you on your...
...on your sweater vest. It's something!
Here you go.
Dylan, I think if you just apologised to Leroy,
-he'll take you back.
-No, screw him.
He's got a foolproof moneymaker on the way.
You're gonna want to pay attention.
I know how to make any car into a convertible in 15 minutes.
-Yeah. You know why?
-Two words: Global warming.
Actually, Dylan, according to The Day After Tomorrow.
the film, the Earth actually gets colder.
What's, what's up... with you? Are you...? These days?
What? Want me to help you with the gar...?
Fuck it. You seriously not wearing any underwear?
-We're all thinkin' it.
If you want to plan an exit strategy or leave right now, I won't be offended.
-No, I'm not going anywhere.
-What do you do?
-I'm an event planner.
That's a business to get into. That's usin' your head.
-Thank you, Dylan.
-No, wait for it.
Book a band, blow up balloons, people pay out the ass for that, don't they?
-Yeah, they do.
I'm not wearing any underwear.
Hey, Molly. Molly. Check it out. So Deb and I are gettin' hitched.
How much cash do you pocket for a wedding?
Any of this striking you as inappropriate?
We're making conversation. Don't get your panties in a wad.
-No, it's fine.
A lot of factors affect the cost.
Check it out. We got about 100 peeps coming.
We're doin' a NASCAR theme in Vegas.
I'm gonna get this kick-ass dress made outta actual chequered flags,
like real tight, then Dylan's gonna be in a wicked orange tux
with a Home Depot logo on the back. What's up, right? Right?
You've never seen anything like that?
-Should be extensive.
-What's the damage on that?
My base fee is 15,000. So 100 people...
I mean, I'd ballpark that somewhere around 50 grand.
That's a lot of 15 minute convertibles, Dylan?
Wait, so you make a pretty comfortable living?
You got your head on right. And you don't do underwear.
What the hell are you doin' with numbnuts?
-No, hey, whoa, fair question.
-That's a fair question?
-Molly, I am so sorry.
-It's fine. You know, I mean...
Well, I don't... I don't really know.
No, he makes me laugh. He doesn't try and impress me.
And I can just be me around him.
-Oh, that's sweet.
-She's a keeper.
Kirk makes you laugh? You a comedian? I didn't know.
Tell us a joke there, Sinbad.
I totally understand what you're talking about.
The curse of being an attractive woman.
I mean, men are always putting us on a pedestal,
expecting us to be something that we're not.
-Come on, Marnie, get real.
-OK. You know, Molly,
we are taking a big family trip out to Branson on the 31st,
-and I think you two should come.
-I think you're wrong.
-Gotta come to Branson.
-I don't think that's a good idea.
-You should come!
-We don't have room.
-They've got shows.
-Kenny Rogers' got his own theatre.
We'll get a ticket. I'll get you a ticket.
-Branson's a big place!
-Shut up, Ron.
-Can we go?
-It's your call.
-OK. Well, I'll see what I can do.
-Hey, hot dog!
All right, relax.
Molly, I think there's something you should know.
Kirk and I used to be lovers.
If you stay with him long enough he'll give you one of these.
-Thank you, Dylan.
That's mine. It's for my earrings.
Kirk, you look really good.
Thank you. You look really... Thank you so much.
-It was fantastic meeting you!
-Oh, you, too.
You're so special and God, I just...
-Branson, think about it.
-She's really great. Later, pirate.
-Yeah. Bye, pirate.
< Maybe you could wrap those potatoes.
Come on. You're a guest here. You really don't have to do that.
Oh, I don't mind.
Ready? You and me, downstairs, Slap Shot Regatta.
Man, we're not children anymore. Do we really have to do this?
-Kirk, go play with your brother.
-We need some girl time.
-Yeah, you promised.
-So pad up, chickenshit!
-Yeah, I'll see you down there.
Come on. Let's do this!
-Let's focus it up.
-That was lucky.
-He never saw it, he stopped it.
Come on, Dylan, give it to him.
You think you're Mr Hot Shit now with your new chick?
What? No. Maybe I'm just a bit lucky tonight. I...
-What are you?
-You're not better than me.
Take a look. All these trophies say Dylan Kettner.
-First place. First place. MVP.
-I don't think I'm better than you.
I never said that. And maybe Molly's a little better looking than I am.
A little? Are you shitting me?
OK, I think we can all agree that Debbie here is one wicked hot box.
This chick of yours makes her look like a pig.
-What? You're an asshole! What?!
This girlfriend of yours is already startin' shit!
Did you see that, Mom?!
One second! Butterfly!
-I want to have another baby!
-No, that's OK, sweetheart.
OK, boys, it's a tie.
There are no ties in hockey, as there are no ties in life.
-Last shot. Winner takes all. Go!
OK, come on, you can do it. He's got nothing.
He's got less than nothing. Own it. You can do it.
Come on, Dylan! Get in the zone! You're still my MVP, baby!
Kirk's just a skinny little loser!
-Man, I gotta sit down.
You want to do this? Let's do it.
-There's always a next time.
This floor's all slippery! And these shoes are fucked for this!
-Dylan, hey! Sportsmanship.
-You guys take a time out
from bein' assholes!
-I'll get us some wine.
-This place is gorgeous!
This kind of reminds me of my place, except for my place is a total shithole.
This is awesome. How long have you lived...
-My God! What the fuck is that?!
-Oh, that's Captain Pickles.
I'm watching him while my folks are on vacation.
What is he? A dog or a fuckin' horse?
Wha... Me or the dog?
You. He doesn't like people standing.
He feels threatened by it. He gets all, you know, angsty.
Hey, angsty, that's... No, hey, I come in peace.
I don't want to move too fast.
I... No, sure, no problem. No problem.
No, don't get me wrong. I mean, once I trust a person
I can experiment and get pretty generous.
Yeah, yeah, no, me, too. Me, too.
I... I'm... I love, love, to experiment,
and I get really generous. I can be very, very generous.
I am quite the charitable lover.
I got... Can we stop for two secs?
DOORBELL CHIMES >
-Honey, you there?
"Dad?!" What the...? Oh, dear God!
Are you in?
-Told you we should call ahead.
We decided to come back early.
Thought we'd come by, take the Captain off your hands.
Hope we aren't interrupting.
-Who's your little friend?
-Well, this is Kirk.
-Gerald McCleish. It's a pleasure.
I don't... God, where are my manners?
You guys must be exhausted from your travels. Please, hey, have a seat.
Put your... Put your feet up. Really get into a groove.
-That's kind of you.
-I think I have that same sweater.
Uh, no. Oh, Lord.
Oh, no, Captain Pickles. No. No, Captain.
Thank you for having me. This has been a lovely evening.
Devon, I'll give you 50 dollars just to curse once.
-75. Just say "fuck."
-I won't, I won't say it out loud.
-I'll write it.
-That doesn't count!
-You're gonna what?
-I'll write it down.
That doesn't count! You have to say it out loud.
-Why doesn't it count?
-Say "shit." I'll give you a 100.
My shift doesn't start for another half hour,
but I was so excited, so I came early.
Yeah, and it was weird. He said he was really excited and so he came early.
Yeah. That ever happened to you?
You're so excited about something that you come early.
Jesus Christ, you're Fort Knox over here. Thank you very much.
I didn't mean to tell 'em, Kirky. I'm sorry.
Come on, he couldn't help it. It just, you know, slipped out.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Thank you very much. And go fuck yourselves.
Kirk, can I talk to you for a second?
-There are no secrets here, Marnie.
I think I made a little mistake, and I see a change in you,
and I really like it, so let's get back together!
Just to try it out. You know?
That's really interesting.
No, I don't think so.
But you broke up with Molly.
-She cornered me.
Look, Marnie, I moved on like you kept telling me to.
You're here because some other girl has shown interest.
That's not it! Look, Kirk, I'm really worried about you with her.
She seems like kind of a bitch.
So I'm just saying that if you want to get back together,
-like you begged me before...
...I am even willing to consider breaking up with Ron.
-What? You're still with Ron.
Yeah. I'm not gonna risk being all alone just cos
Kirk doesn't know what's good for him.
Look, Kirky. Deep down you know it is never gonna work out with you and Molly.
And I just can't stand to see you get hurt.
So if that makes me the bad guy... so be it.
Did you just come in your pants again?
You can tell us. We're your friends. Did you?
Hey, why would you tell her I broke up with Molly?
Cos I thought you had.
-No. We're just in a sticky wicket.
-A "sticky wicket?"
Yeah, a rough patch. Rough pumpkins.
-How many times have you called her?
How many times have you really called her?
-It's done, man. Tao of Love.
-That's what I call it.
The Tao of Love. You being with Molly defies, like, forces of nature.
-It's over, man.
-No. It's not over.
Frankly, I'm kinda sick of you guys pretending
like you know where I'm comin' from. None of you know what I'm goin' through.
-Tina Jordan does.
-Who the hell is Tina Jordan?
-She was my Molly.
-You never mentioned her.
I didn't want to jinx it. But she was perfect.
Anyway, two months into it, bam, she dumps me.
I shoulda seen it coming, too, cos she was a ten. Like a hard ten.
And I was a six, possibly a seven. Either way, I couldn't cover the spread.
The universe spoke. And I was depressed for months.
That's what that was? You said you had mono.
-Yeah. Mono of the heart.
-Oh, my God. How's your vagina?
Shut up, Jack!
Dude, forget Stainer. All right? I think you could get her back.
Why don't you look Kirk in the eyes
and tell him you believe he's gonna end up with Molly.
-Just tell him that.
Kirky, I truly believe that...
I mean, I think anything's possible.
-"Anything is possible?!"
Like, there's a million examples of guys like Kirky
-endin' up with beautiful women.
-Lyle Lovett and Julia Roberts.
Richie Sambora and Heather Locklear. Then he went on to Denise Richards.
Yeah. All recording artists. Normal rules don't apply to those guys.
Kirk, as soon as you record an album and it goes platinum,
you can push your meat into any human being you want.
OK, OK. OK. King Kong and Naomi Watts.
Never consummated. Totally platonic relationship.
Stephen Hawking and his lady nurse.
He's the master of space and time!
He knows about black holes and shit.
What about the President of France
and that girl that went out with Mick Jagger?
He knows about wine. And has a French accent.
Can probably French kiss like a motherfucker!
-Oh, OK, OK...
-Wait a second. The Beast.
-The Beast! From Beauty and the Beast?
Beast won Beauty's love, and he wasn't rich and he wasn't a recording artist.
-Though he did have an amazing voice.
-OK, Devon, that's a cartoon.
But, yes, that's one. One out of a million.
You know what, Stainer? All it takes is one.
Man, you... You guys just sit here and talk about relationships,
but the truth is, I'm the only one here that's married.
I'm tired of you guys bustin' my nuggets cos I've only been with one girl.
It's cos she was the right girl! That's why I married her!
So, Kirky, let me tell you, If Molly's the right girl,
that's all that matters. You just... You stand up.
You stand up, you get in front of her. You get right in her grill and you say,
"Hey, I am Kirk Kettner
"and I am right here, standin' in front of you...
"..right here. Here I am. "
-Somethin' like that.
-The power of love.
Thank you. I was in debate, junior/senior year.
I don't know if you guys remember that.
Look at that.
Oh, there she is.
Listen to me, dude. Gotta go, loud and proud, gotta tell her,
-"Hey, I jizzed in my shorts" you know?
No! "That's what I do. OK? It's how I roll. Deal with it."
You know, I know I don't know...
I don't know much about this, but that can't be good advice, I'm sorry.
-Yeah, I'm not gonna do that.
-You have nothing to be embarrassed of.
If anything, you paid her a compliment. Right?
Here goes nothin'.
Oh, shit, Molly. Six o'clock.
-Did you get my messages?
-Yeah, yeah, I got them, Kirk.
What the hell happened the other night?
You act like a freak with Captain Pickles,
you won't shake my father's hand when we had a whole conversation
about how he was old-fashioned!
Yeah, I know. I know. I'm sorry.
I spent a whole day with your entire family,
and you can't even spend 30 seconds with mine.
-I mean, that's a pretty big red flag.
-It is not a red flag, Molly.
Oh, Kirk, I can't do this here.
-I'm working, and...
I ejaculated in my pants.
We were getting sort of hot and nasty, you know...
It's not every day that I have a super-hot girl
grinding on top of me, and I got a little too excited and,
before I know it, your parents are in the room and I'm there
with just a big friggin' oyster in my shorts.
Right. Sorry. Sorry.
I mean, I'll say this for him. He's honest.
So thanks for the advice. That went horribly.
Enjoy the air show, boys. I'm going to go...
No guy in his right mind would ever make that up.
You should probably go talk to him.
-Just wait one second.
And... here she comes.
She told him a joke or somethin'. Something's funny.
They're ki... They're gonna ki... They're kissing! Yes!
-You're like Yoda.
-Yeah, I know.
Like Sex Yoda. "The Force is strong with you, Jack."
Trust the system. It takes care of itself.
-Ah, that went well.
She sure is somethin', isn't she?
-It's Kirk, right?
-Oh, God. Hi, Cam.
Excellent to see you again, sir.
Listen, Kirk. Can I talk to you for a second?
Yeah, I guess so. See ya.
Listen, Kirk. I understand that fellas, such as yourself,
have uniquely candid relationships with the women that they befriend,
-am I right?
-Fellas such as myself?
Don't get me wrong. I have no problem with your lifestyle.
What two or more grown men do in the privacy of their own home,
hell, it's of no concern to me.
I don't know what Molly's told you about me, all right?
If she said anything bad, let's face it, I probably deserve it.
-Actually, Cam, we haven't...
-God is my witness, I'll get her back.
Can I count on you to put in a good word for me, Elton John?
-Yeah, whatever gets this over with.
-You're the man, Kirk. Bring it in.
-Yeah, yeah, you got it.
-Oh! You feel that tolerance?
Man, you gays smell good. That's good.
This is awesome! Does anybody have a camera?
Wait a minute, dude. Does that, does that say...?
Yep, I think it does.
-Jesus, man. Goddamn it.
-Did you guys get a picture?
By the way, Kirk, you can do better than these guys.
I mean, this one is kinda cute, but the other two... Oof!
Show some pride, pal.
'Foot Long, you are cleared for takeoff on runway two-zero.
'Roger that, tower. Turn and burn.'
Honestly, I'd have sex with that guy.
Yeah, I would.
TAL BACHMAN: # Cos she's so high!
# High above me, she's so lovely
# She's so high!
# Like Cleopatra Joan of Arc or Aphrodite... #
# She's so high, high above me
# I know where I belong and nothing's gonna happen, yeah, yeah
# Yeah, yeah!
# Cos she's so high!
# High above me, she's so lovely
# She's so high!
-# High above me...
So how's your sister doin'?
She turns 21 next week and she's, I don't know,
she still has no sense of direction.
You know? She's coming over for dinner,
and I really want to give her advice,
but I don't know what to say to her, you know?
So what do you... You don't know what to say to her?
She's only 20. She's not 30. And she's not you.
You know? When I was 20, I did not have my act together, man.
I mean, look at this kid now.
I'm in TSA. I am livin' the dream.
You're right. Maybe I am being too hard on her.
And, I'm sorry, but she's comin' over for dinner?
She's turning 21! You gotta throw her a party.
I mean, that's what you do for a living, right? You throw parties?
I can't believe I never thought of that.
-That's a really good idea.
Ten dates and you can't seal the deal? What's wrong with you?
Listen to me. Things with Molly are good, right? They're back on track.
You have gotta recover from your little oopsie-daisy,
little early-bird special. Gotta get back in that ring.
It's just terrifying, frankly,
the idea of me naked
-in front of her... also naked.
-But what's to be terrified of?
Because you've done your prep work, right?
Yeah... I think she likes me.
-She really likes you.
That's cute. Yeah, good. But it's not at all what I'm talking about.
A girl like Molly, hot as shit, manicured from fuckin' head to toe.
-What the hell are you talking about?
-Listen, I'm talkin' about this, all right?
-I'm talkin' about this.
-And I'm talkin' about this.
-UNZIPS HIS FLY Oh, jeez!
-No, no, no!
-This is fine. Cos this is clean. It's organised.
It's kind of Japanese-looking, to be honest.
Whatever you do, don't look directly at it.
I'll bet you Cam's balls look like this.
It's like a baby. It's just smooth. It's a look that says,
"Hey, you can put your mouth here."
-He is... He just moved.
-It's just a thought.
Just tryin' to help, that's all.
All right, Stainer, let's get outta here.
-Yeah, I'm hungry. I gotta go eat.
-Hey, Kirky. Prep work.
You hear me? Out.
Here goes nothin'.
Shoot! Kirky! Kirky!
We shoulda done a hot towel.
You know, like those old-timey barbershops?
-Helps raise the hairs.
-I don't like this!
Kirk, if you want to abort the mission, that's completely cool.
I don't... I can't really abort the mission right now.
I've shaved approximately one-third of my balls.
I'll look pretty fuckin' stupid if I stop now!
Did you shave one ball and then the other ball,
-or are you workin' top to bottom?
-Shut up, shut up!
You shut up. I mean, seriously, just shave it like your face!
I can't do it like my face!
My face doesn't have two testicles sticking out of it!
If it did, I would grow a pretty thick goddamn beard.
-Do you need a hand?
ELECTRIC RAZOR WHINES
There we go.
So how is this not gay?
I think there's nothing gay about it. The fact that
you're lettin' a straight married man shave your testicles...
I think that makes you one of the most macho guys alive.
There is some logic in that.
Thank you. You know what? Can you pick that up?
Can you pick 'em up for me?
There it is.
That's a lot. OK, drop 'em.
Ow, ow, ow! Ow, ow!
Take a look!
What do you think?
It looks fucking huge!
# My friends wonder why I call you all the time
# What can I say? Yeah, yeah
# Well, I don't feel the need to give such secrets away
# Well, you think maybe I need help
# Though I know I'm right, all right
# I'm just better off
# Not listening to friends' advice
# When they insist on knowing my bliss
# La, la-la! La, la-la!
# I tell them this
# When they want to know what the reason is
# I only smile when I lie Then I tell them why
-# Because your kiss
-Your kiss is on my list
-# Because your kiss
-Your kiss I can't resist
# Because your kiss is on my list
# Of the best things in life
# Because your kiss... #
All right, everybody, give it up one more time for Adult Education!
Awesome stuff. They're going to play some more Hall and Oates for us,
and maybe some other old favourites from some other artists? No?
-You're kidding me.
-Nope. Just...more Hall and Oates.
Everybody, let's raise a glass to Patty and Molly for throwing,
by far, the coolest party I've ever personally been invited to.
Great job, girls. Let's hear it for Patty and Molly!
And now, to the gorgeous birthday girl, Katie McCleish.
You're 21 years old now.
What else can I say? Let life come to you.
-Happy birthday, Katie!
All right, guys, enjoy the party.
-Can you hold this for me?
Better with my jacket off. Just ditch that somewhere.
What? What am I supposed to do with this?
OK, now we're gonna take it down. A lot.
You're totally gonna jump his bones tonight, aren't you?
I don't know. Maybe.
-# We can solve any problem... #
I think it's time for you to dance with me.
-# Why do we lose so many tears? #
Hey, Devon! Wendy, remember?
No. No, I don't. I... Aw, shoot.
I think this is the first time we're meeting. Ever!
-This is my wife, Karen.
BOTH: Nice to meet you. THEY LAUGH
HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
-OK, I'm gonna...
# Every time you go away... #
# You take a piece of me with you... #
-Oh, there's my parents!
Hey! Hey, let's go meet them.
She's with that fuckin' asshole.
-You remember Kirk.
-Yeah, how could we forget? Yeah.
-Oh, this time we...?
Mr and Mrs McCleish, from the bottom of my heart, I am so sorry.
The last time we met wasn't exactly
the world's greatest first impression.
-No, it certainly was not.
-I promise you that I will grow on you.
-I hear this party was all your idea.
-No, no. This is all Molly's.
Hey, what line of work are you in, son?
It's kind of a long story. I grew up with my...
-Kirk's in aviation.
Oh, Molly likes the flyboys. Just like your mother.
I flew choppers back in Nam, Saigon. Evacuation, April, '75...
He's been pushing Molly to take flying lessons.
-After she passes the bar.
Hey, now here's a pilot! How are ya?!
-You son of a bitch!
-Boy, good to see you!
Good to see you. Lucille, don't you look lovely.
I didn't think you were gonna be here.
You bet. You know, Ger and Lucille invited me.
- What a pleasant surprise! - Target acquired.
-Cam... How's it going?
Have you seen Katie? Let's go see Katie.
-OK. I'm... See you down there.
-Good to see you again, kid.
Nice to see you...sir. I'll see you down there.
Mind if I join you?
So Molly just explained all about you two,
and I gotta admit I feel like a jackass.
Don't worry about it, man...
It's all good. I thought you were gay, too.
-Just joking. I'm just joking.
-You are funny.
-All right, then...
Take good care of her. She's a special girl.
-Yeah, she's perfect.
-Oh, yeah, about that...
Don't really call her that. She doesn't like it.
And, besides, she's not exactly perfect anyway, right?
What do you mean?
All right, listen.
Don't let it creep you out, OK?
I mean, the first time I saw her little defect...
Woof! I'll admit it gave me the willies.
But it might not bother you. Who knows?
All right? And even if it does, just try to be cool, you know,
and you'll get used to it, all right? Good luck.
No, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Please, this is... This is very important.
-Birth defect? What is it?
-I can't tell you that, man.
That's somethin' you're gonna have to figure out for yourself.
-OK, your turn.
I haven't really been hittin' the gym as much as I should lately.
-What, what? What?
It's been a while and I'm not very experienced sex-wise.
-Kirk, please. Your balls are shaved.
-Oh, I know. I know.
It's kind of a new thing I'm trying out. It's a bad idea. It's...
I feel like I'm 11.
What if I show you something I'm self-conscious about?
-Oh, that would be amazing.
-Promise me you won't laugh.
-No, I, I... I promise.
What am I looking at?
-That's your big defect?
-Webbed toes is not a defect!
Yeah, no shit webbed toes is not a defect!
I was expecting some kind of pulsating growth
or a cluster of lumps...
..or like a little dick that, I don't know, talked.
All you got is it's inconvenient for you to wear flip-flops?
Who told you I have a defect? Cam?
Well, yeah. And as far as I can tell,
that's the only thing separating you from perfect.
You think I'm too perfect? So you were hoping
there was something wrong with me so you could be with me.
Look at the evidence, Molly.
I'm unattractive, I'm out of shape, I'm uncoordinated,
I've never been to Europe, I'm not a college graduate, I drive a Neon...
-I like your Neon.
-Oh, God, come on, Molly, look at me.
I'm a five. This is a five. Hard five.
You can't jump more than two points.
It's the Tao of Love. Everybody knows that.
Even if you were a nine, and I was in a band,
-but no, you're a hard ten.
-What are you talking about?
Do you even know how hot you are? No, you probably think
that everybody gets free shit everywhere they go,
and everybody's happy and nice to each other in shiny, happy Hot Town,
with you and all your hot friends and ex-boyfriends,
but I hate to break it to you, it's not the same for the rest of us.
OK, Kirk. You clearly have some major self-esteem issues.
You lied about me to your parents right in front of me!
-No, I didn't!
-"Kirk's in aviation?"
That's like saying the guy who shovels elephant shit at the circus
is in show business. No, he's just the elephant shit guy.
That's me. I'm that guy.
I'm never gonna be a pilot. And I am happy with that.
And I'm fine with that, too.
And I was fine with you up until about three minutes ago.
That's... I'm so glad that you were "fine" with me.
You know what? Maybe you're right. Maybe you are a five.
You know why? No self-esteem, deduct a point.
Every time someone walks into a room
you compare yourself to them, deduct a point.
You're a smart and talented guy who's afraid to do anything with it,
deduct a point. How are we doing?
Hoping that I have a defect that you can work with?
Deduct whatever's left.
I'm outta here. Webbed fucking feet. Are you kidding me?
-Hey, do me a favour.
-Tell Foot Long I said hi.
-He's my ex-boyfriend, Kirk. Ex!
-Know why we broke up?
-Because you guys couldn't decide
-which one of you was hotter?
-No. Because he behaved
exactly like you're behaving right now. He couldn't handle it.
He thought I was perfect, he had me on a pedestal
that I couldn't possibly live up to!
Oh, and one other little thing? He cheated on me.
After that I said to myself, "I won't date guys like that anymore."
Wait... "Guys like that?" So, what, you're just...
-You were gonna date guys like me?
-Is that what you wanna hear?
-That I asked you out cos you're safe?
That I thought that a guy who looks like you wouldn't hurt me?
Is that what you want to hear, Kirk? Are you happy now?
Yeah, I'm ecstatic.
-# And I know now
# Who I am
# Yeah, yeah, yeah
# There's a place I go when I'm alone... #
-# Hold it close, won't let this go
# Dream catch me, yeah... #
-# Dream catch me when I fall
# Or else I won't come back at all. #
'Six-Delta-Bravo, flight cleared to land. Runway two-two.'
-# Because your kiss, your kiss is on my lips...
-List. It's list.
-No, it's not. It's lips.
-"Your kiss is on my lips." Why'd it be list?
-It's on my list of the best things in life.
Oh, hey, Kirk. Where have you been? Here. Tune it.
So you're all "Branson bound", huh?
Yeah. They were Marnie's idea.
OK, Kirky, let's go.
-OK, I'll see you guys later.
The Branson flight's not for another 45 minutes.
I could just meet you down at the gate.
WOMAN: Everybody together? Got everything?
Wow, so you're really back with Marnie.
Hand it over, dumb-ass. No liquids over 3.4 ounces.
Good call. Hey, pirate, can you spot me a 20?
I want to get one of those scented neck pillows.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, of course.
-Here you go.
-Yeah, you got it.
Are you kidding me?
This might seem crazy, but he and I actually have a lot in common, so...
You don't have anything in common with any of those people, man.
Look at me. You OK?
Do you think I really want to be Branson bound?
The whole time you told me I wasn't good enough, you were right.
So this is my life. I gotta go.
Marnie's waiting for me.
-See ya, guys.
-See you later, Kirky.
Goddamn it. Tina Jordan.
That's a large Coke, a fry and some ketchup...
-Mary J Blige!
Tina, I need to know, right now, why it didn't work out with us.
-I have customers.
-This is important, OK?
This is important. I was good to you, right? I mean, I was sensitive.
Remember when you got the flu? I didn't party at all that weekend.
Remember? Remember the leg massages?
Remember when I used to run my hand down your back? Like that?
Remember when I nursed that baby bird to health?
Little Timothy? He died.
Christ on a corndog. Tammy, can you cover for me?
Whatever, Wendell. Can I help the next person in line, please?
I really liked you, but all that stuff about
I'm a ten and you're only a six?
But you were all up in my beeswax checking to see if I'd dump you.
But you did dump me!
Why don't you just admit I was never good enough for you?
Wendell, you were plenty good enough for me.
You were just never good enough for you.
I'm gonna need some gravy fries when I get back.
Would you put your seat forward, please?
-Tom fuckin' Wopat, bro. Told you.
-Kirky, look at David Archuleta.
-Can I help you?
-TSA. Excuse me. >
-You have no authority.
-You better believe I do.
All right, everybody, listen up! TSA! I apologise.
This guy's drunk as fuck. He shit his pants. It's very embarrassing.
We have to get him off. I'll have to have you come with me.
-Jesus Christ. What are you doin'?
-I was wrong about you and Molly.
We gotta fix it. Just act drunk. ..Thank you. TSA. Come on.
Believe it or not, this has nothin' to do with you.
-It's not about me.
I'm gonna have to ask you to exit the aircraft.
I'm gonna have to ask you to exit my personal space.
-Fuck off! Sorry, that's yours.
You're gonna get arrested by the Department of Homeland Security.
They're gonna send you to Guantanamo Bay.
Yeah. I like Cuba. I like mojitos.
You don't wanna go to Branson with A-holes!
-He call us A-holes?
-Look at them. That one's pregnant.
-That guy's got hair in the front.
Sweetheart, remember the baby.
-I'm doin' this for the baby.
-Don't be a hero!
-How's this work? Seat belt person!
-Stop. We have a...
They are my family. And I'm with Marnie now.
Marnie is an evil bitch. All due respect.
Kirk! Hit him!
-At least say something.
OK. I was right about Molly. She's a ten, OK? A hard ten.
-I was wrong about you. You're a ten.
-You can't settle for a three.
-Arguably a two.
-Come on, let's go.
You're the best guy I know. I won't let you end up with her.
-You're a ten!
-Listen! You're a ten!
You're a ten! Kirk, don't do it!
I'm not going! I'm not going!
-OK, this is not good.
-All right, I'm going.
'Last call for flight four-four-three.'
-'Last call for flight four-four-three.'
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
-Who is this?
-Stainer. Don't hang up.
-How the fuck did you get my number?
-TSA. Moving on...
-No. no. no. Let's not move on.
This better not be where you ask me out,
because you confused my hatred for you for some kind of flirtation.
-'I thought I made myself clear.'
-No, no, no, you were clear. We're good.
-Cos I genuinely hate you also.
Cool. And we're back to talking.
All right. So, Kirk is leaving on a plane with another girl.
Now, I tried to get him off, but they threw me off the plane!
Stainer, your screw-up is not my problem.
No, we both screwed up. We told them that it wasn't gonna work.
They believed us. So now, unfortunately, I need your help.
'Hello? Patty? Goddamn it. You fucking hung up on me!'
-OK, I'll see what I can do.
'I have a ground X-ray one radio check. Taxi to one-two.
'EastWest four-three. You're cleared for taxi to runway two-seven.'
So, we are seeing the Dave Coulier tomorrow night,
and on Saturday we're gonna see both of the Elvis tributes,
-and then on S...
-No, no, no. Stainer was right.
'Flight attendants, prepare for departure.'
-Stainer was right.
-What are you doing? Kirk!
Yeah, I'm not going to Branson with you people.
You are my family and I love you,
but really, with the exception of Mom,
you're all a bunch of bloodsucking vampires
who never support anything I do.
I'm going to go find Molly and show her that I am good enough.
So fuck you, Debbie.
Fuck you, Dylan. Fuck you, Dad.
Fuck you...businessman. I'm sorry.
And, most of all, fuck you, Marnie.
You never deserved me in the first place, you evil little dwarf.
So fuck you all! Yep.
Sir. You need to take your seat. We're pushing back.
Don't know if you heard my speech, but I need to get off this plane.
Well, if I reopen that cabin door, that's a 25,000 fine for you.
What do you want to do?
Is there another seat I could take?
We're full. Now, take your seat and buckle up.
'Cabin crew, lock doors and cross-check.'
Gonna be a long flight, eh, pirate?
What's going on? What's the emergency?
-Molly, how are you doing?
No, I'm actually asking you. How are you doing?
-You have photo ID, right?
-Where are we going?
-Just buckle up!
'We should be on our way shortly, so just sit back, relax and...'
'The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading...'
You're gonna tell me what's going on?
In ten minutes, Kirk is leaving on a plane for Branson
-with a horrible, horrible girl.
-Yes. Let's go.
If Kirk's getting back together with Marnie, I'm not going!
In fourth grade, I peed in my pants.
On several occasions. Everybody started calling me Stainer.
Know how I made it through those dark days?
But also Kirk. You see, he told me to own that name.
Call myself Stainer, so that nobody could hurt me.
-What's your point?
-Kirk's the best guy I know.
But he's like... He's like a spider.
You know? He's more afraid of you than you are of him.
And he also, he has long legs and...
Look. If you want him, you gotta go get him.
-We're moving. Where is the package?
OK, we couldn't get him off the plane, so we've gotta get you on.
Oh, thank you, Stainer!
This is so exciting. Yes!
Oh, shit. Follow me.
-Boarding passes and IDs out.
-Let's keep it moving!
Whoa, whoa! What the hell are you doing?
Putting her on a plane, that's what.
Well, unless she has a first class ticket, back of the line.
Fuller, you have a choice. You can step aside or you can fight me.
If that's how you want to go, I warn you, I will go dark side.
OK? I will rip out your hair, I'll bite your chin off,
and I will stab you in the eyes with confiscated scissors.
Cos I am an insane motherfucker!
You know that from the break room! What's it gonna be?!
'Please check your seat belts. We're preparing for departure.'
They've gone. We missed it.
No, no, no. No. No, this is not...
This is supposed to happen. This isn't how this works.
-Yeah? Talk to Jack.
-Stop the plane.
Dude, done and done.
Yeah, that's how we roll.
Oh, come here, beautiful. Time to go to work.
'Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Captain.
'We got some kinda light on up here. Some kind of mechanical problem.
'Anyway, we're gonna have to deplane.'
Oh, man! What's "deplane" mean?
Come on, Jack. Come on.
Come on, Jack!
-That's it! Yeah. Let's go, let's go.
Look, Kirk, I do not know what's gotten into you,
but I just want to say I forgive you and we are going to go to Branson,
and we are going to enjoy it!
OK, you got something off your chest, and that is fine.
And it's over now. We are gonna pretend that it never happened.
Why are you walking so fast?
Kirk! We're solid, baby!
We're... Oh, that is it.
That is it! Motherfucker!
Excuse me. Sorry.
-Sorry. Excuse me. I'm sorry.
-I will catch you, Kirk!
-I will catch you!
-I'm faster than you!
-I will catch you if it's the last thing that I do...
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
-Who is it?
-It's Kirk. Kirk, where are you?
Stainer, you were right, buddy.
I just got off the plane. I'm gonna go find Molly.
That's great, except we're right here. I'm with Molly.
'We came to find you. We're at the gate! Turn around. We're here.'
All right, I'm comin' to you. Comin' to you!
Excuse me! Sorry, sorry! Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Hey, wait! Cart, wait!
-Oh, my God!
I think we should see other people!
Oh, Jesus, Mary and Joseph.
-What are you doin' here?
-It was Patty and Stainer's idea.
I just knew that I had to come find you.
-Kirk, shut up. Let me speak.
That's a good idea.
You are out of shape.
-Yeah, I know. Not what I thought you were gonna say.
You're not a college graduate, you've never been to Europe,
and your car really is a shitbox.
-You were right.
I did ask you out, because I thought you'd be safe
and I wouldn't get hurt. And, yes, I lied to my parents,
because I was worried what they'd think.
But I'm here to tell you that
I don't care if you want to be a pilot,
a TSA agent or shovel elephant shit at the circus.
Because I missed you.
And I just want us to be together.
-Are you really having to think about this?
-Shut up, Patty.
-You shut up!
I don't remember what the specific question was, but...
I missed you.
Guys, this is...
It's a tale as old as time, you know? Song as old as rhyme.
Think she's still not wearin' underwear?
-Just stop it.
-I heard you.
Seriously, tell me where we're going!
-Why won't you tell me?
You won't show me the tickets. I'm gonna find out.
-Just trust me, OK?
-Oh, you're so annoying!
Ah, thar she blows!
OK, that is not nearly big enough.
What the hell are you doing?
I've been taking a few lessons lately.
-That's what you've been up to?
I should ask you, did you pack your bags yourself?
-Yes, I did.
-All right, good.
Everything seems to be in order. You ever been to San Francisco?
-Good, cos we're going to Cleveland.
'Pittsburgh tower, November-five-four-five-Charlie-Papa
'requesting takeoff clearance on runway two-niner.'
'Five-Charlie-Papa, you are cleared for takeoff.'